Chapter Text
It was horrifically painful; the longing looks each other caught themselves sharing, moments where there was nothing but them, simple touches that felt too intimate for menial tasks. Though both took great pleasure in their shared days, yet it hurt to be so close to the unreachable.
Arthur looked forward to waking each morning, each new way Merlin would wake him up - no matter how gentle or rough he was.
Merlin looked forward to the late hours in the evening, Arthur would mutter about the day's countless wrong doings, they would sit by the fire and set the world to rights.
Together they went through their days, summer became autumn, autumn became winter, winter became spring, and it would all come full circle once more. Merlin was always there with Arthur, never too far away. During training he would stand to the side with the squires and make commentary as the knights sparred, in the halls he would be beside Arthur as they exchanged constant banter, at the King’s desk he would hang over Arthur’s shoulder and make small points. And during council meetings Merlin would go around the table, filling goblets with water, muttering jokes to Gwaine and giving his own opinion to Arthur in passing.
In council meetings, he would never stand behind Arthur, it would be too boring, every now and then they would look at each other, a twinkle in their eyes as if to say ‘ are you hearing this rubbish? ’
Merlin would finish the rounds for drinks and jokes, choosing to stand in front of a pillar between the alcoves of the room, he would try to stand straight, hands behind his back and look forward but his eyes would drift. There really was something special about this position, because the near evening sunlight would fall down from the windows high above, it would cast a golden glow over the table and its people. It made Arthur shine, and Merlin took all of his pleasure in watching his King argue with stuck-up lords and fight for his people. His hair became pure sunlight, his features reminded Arthur of a book the King had shown Merlin months ago - it was of statues and art from the southern east, on the main continent - Arthur looked like one of those perfect statues in this light. His eyes struck down those who would dare try to stand up, but not when they fell on Merlin.
It was his mistake, to look at Arthur with those thoughts.
Arthur sat back in his chair, listening to the lords and advisors argue, his lips pressed tightly together, Merlin could tell he was grinding his teeth in irritation. The King then moved forward and rested his head in his palm, his fingers curling over his mouth and chin. His rings reflected the light, casting silver squiggles over the walls. His eyes scanned over the Lords, Ladies, his numerous Advisors and the knights, he swept over the servants and guards around the room before settling on Merlin.
The harsh anger that had settled in his eyes instantly melted away once he looked at Merlin.
Just like always, Merlin knew what Arthur was thinking, his lip curled slightly, his eyes narrowed by a bit in a smile, a look Merlin knew as; I’ll share my wine if you get me out of-
Merlin’s breath hitched as Arthur’s widened slightly, the knowing that flooded the King’s face made his heart stutter. Taking a shaking breath, Merlin looked away, Arthur was never meant to look at him like that . He was never meant to mirror Merlin’s expression. He could feel Arthur’s gaze flooding his senses, the unspoken feeling Merlin could feel from those eyes. He tried to steady his breathing, his eyes fluttered close as his lips parted in an attempt to breathe more.
He saw… he knew .
It was a fool's death to look back at Arthur, then let Merlin be the jester to get himself killed.
His King sat up a little straighter, he was ignoring everyone to look at Merlin, his brows were pulled in a small frown, his eyes told Merlin that it wasn’t in anger but instead surprise. It seemed after spending many years trying to scare or shock the man from alcoves and hiding behind trees, all it took was to look at Arthur with adoration and devotion, desire and worship.
“My lord?” Someone interrupted, forcing Arthur to look away. Air swelled his lungs in Arthur's absence.
“Pardon, repeat that again.” Arthur shifted in chair, giving his attention back to his council people.
Merlin dared not look at Arthur for the rest of the meeting, but he frequently felt Arthur looking at him.
Either they were near the end of the meeting, or it had been cut short, for chairs scraped against the floor and were quickly muffled by the echoing of feet traipsing out the room. Merlin took his chance and bolted, he didn’t leave with the lords, knights and advisors, choosing the servants exit for once and running like his life was on the line. For it really was.
“Merlin!” Arthur pointlessly called after him, Merlin did what he always does, he ignored Arthur and ran from the council room before he had any more second thoughts. “Merlin! Please! Wait!”
Merlin spun on his heel, Arthur had followed him.
“What, Arthur?” He snarled defensively, their faces were centimetres apart, he could feel the king's breath on his chin.
“Don’t you dare use that tone with me,” Arthur’s gaze was predatory, taking a step forward and pushing Merlin back. “Not when I just saw you look at me like that.”
His back hit up against the wall, sunlight shone through the tiny window on the opposite wall, it cast a golden halo around Arthur. Fuck.
The King had trapped him by placing his hands on either side of Merlin’s waist, their chests crashing against each other as their breathing grew far too heavy far too fast.
“I know you aren’t cruel, sire,” Merlin gasped out, trying to look anywhere except Arthur, but he surrounded the warlock, swarming his vision and senses. It was intoxicating. “So please, fire me, banish me, or switch me out for a competent manservant. Just please stop this and let me go.”
His eyes focused down on a crack in the floor, anything but Arthur, his face, his chest, his arms. Anywhere but the King.
The bastard leaned in close, his breath hot on Merlin’s neck. “Why would I do that?”
“Because it’s improper.” Merlin said, using one of the many excuses he has concocted over the years.
Arthur was still, he made no motion to leave, but also none to continue. “Is that… the only reason?”
“Of course not.” Tears welled up in the corners of his eyes, he wanted to push away and come back tomorrow as if this exchange had never happened, he wanted to give in to all his desires and let Arthur take everything. “You are the King and I am a peasant.”
“Guinevere was a peasant and I made her a lady, no one cared when she and Lancelot started to court.” Arthur murmured, his breath finally measured but heavy.
“Lancelot is a knight, you are the King.” His arms were pressed against the wall, he was too close to reaching for Arthur’s arms. Arthur’s head was hovering above his shoulder beside his head, he was too close to leaning his head on the King’s. “I have a clear hatred for nobility, and would cause a scene every other day.”
“I have Gwaine as a knight.”
“I’m from Ecetir, you’re from Camelot, the paperwork would be a nightmare.” Curses, his excuses are poorly going down the gutter.
“Half of my knights are from other kingdoms.” Arthur obviously pointed out.
“I’m- I’m-”
Arthur pulled his head back, trying to meet Merlin’s eyes.
“Have I read you wrong? Am I pressuring you?” He could picture Arthur perfectly, his brows pinched upwards in hurt and confusion, his lips slightly parted between words, his eyes shining with adoration and innocence. “Do you not want me in the way I want you?”
“I do, that is the issue.” Merlin shook his head, tears blurred his vision as he looked to the other side of Arthur. “If I were to accept you, it would just end up with us both hurt.”
“Then how do I make it not hurt? Please Merlin, make me understand.” Arthur begged, his voice broke at the end, as if he were close to tears.
Turning his head and closing his eyes tightly, Merlin faced Arthur, his hands left the wall shakily and spread themselves over the King’s chest. He leant his weight against Arthur, not shoving him away, just a slight push to slip out and away.
He was still in arms reach, when he opened his eyes he saw how the dusty air of the servants corridor warped around his King, how the evening sun endowed him like a god.
“I can’t be with you in any other way, that isn’t what we already are.” It was on the tip of his tongue, all it would need is a breath of air and the will to do so.
He’s already come this far, why stop now?
“I can’t be with you because I hate most royals, I would never live up to any expectations set, I would disgrace the kingdom more than I already have,” It just fell from his lips. “You are the King, Arthur, I’m a peasant servant from Ealdor, it’s your duty to the kingdom to have heirs, something I will never be able to give to you. I have no knowledge of battle or etiquette, I don’t even give good advice! But that isn’t even the worst of it.”
Merlin made the mistake of looking at Arthur. His expression was broken beyond comprehension, something shattered inside of Merlin.
“What’s… what’s the worst?” Merlin had seen Arthur cry only a few times before in the seven year they spent together. It was in that moment, seeing tears come from the King, that he knew he couldn’t go back.
Giving up, Merlin’s shoulders dropped. “I lie to you, everyday. I don’t want to lie, but I have to, so that I get to see you, and Gaius and our friends each day. So that I can survive.”
“I- I don’t understand.” Arthur shook his head.
“Arthur.” Merlin sighed, he was tired, exhausted even. “You do, you do understand. If you don’t then you really are the idiot I claim you to be.”
“No. No, Merlin, please, no.” Arthur begged for the second time.
“I lie to you, everyday, so that I can protect you.” Merlin continued. “I risk my life each night to save yours, I risk my life each day by waking up and breathing. And I do it for you, I don’t care about the law, if being born with-”
“Don’t say it!”
“If being born with magic means I die, then so be it! I don’t care, because getting to see you everyday is worth it.” He felt like he could finally breathe, after living in a castle that had suffocated him for so long, Merlin could finally breathe.
“I have magic, Arthur, and I use it for you.” A deer in the line of crossfire, that is what he is at this moment. “That’s why we can’t be together, because you have to kill me now, and it breaks me to hurt you because I really… really do… hopelessly… terrifyingly… love you.” He breathed out. “I love you Arthur, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop.”
They mirrored each other, just like always. Tears flowed freely down their faces as they finally refused to not look away. Seconds felt like hours as they passed between the two, neither made a move to go away or go closer.
“I- I need to think.” Arthur finally said in a distracted voice. “Please, go.”
Merlin closed his eyes so as to not cry any more, he nodded. “Yes, my lord.” He bowed for the first time to Arthur, not mocking or teasing, but as a loyal servant doing the bidding of their master. He turned around and desperately tried to not run on the spot.
His steps were measured and steady until he was six corridors and two stairwells from Art- His Majesty. It was far enough, Merlin decreed, he can let go now. Pressing himself into the farthest corner, behind a dusty tapestry, Merlin finally cried. He sobbed and choked and gasped.
It didn’t stop the pain of it.