Archive of Our Own ^beta

One moment he was standing in the banquet hall of Castle Redmont, admiring the beautiful winter feast laid out, and the next, he was trapped under the ice in Skandia. Drowning, suffocating. Looking up through the glassy surface at the grey sky, seeing Evanlyn beat on the ice from the other side. Seeing her mouth move. Knowing she was screaming. And he was screaming too. Feeling the water rush into his lungs and the endless, crushing cold. 

And then he was back again, and Halt was shaking him.

"Where'd you go, Will?" his eyes were uncharacteristically fearful and huge.

Will couldn't speak for a moment, just trying to breathe.

"Will?"

"Will!" Another voice yelled out. It was Horace. Will didn't look up. He was too busy staring at his feet. Specifically his shoes. His dripping wet, ice-cold shoes.

"Will, snap out of it!" Halt shook him hard enough to rattle something loose in his brain, and now he looked up. All the festivity had stopped, and everyone was staring at him. His jaw hung open, and his eyes darted around. What were they all staring at? Hadn't they learned staring was rude?

He shook Halt off and ran for the safety of outside. He was too deep in the castle to make it far before Halt caught up.

"Will, talk to me." He grabbed his wrist, and Will swung around.

"There's nothing to talk about!" He snapped

"I think there is." Halt's voice was even, steady. The fear had left his eyes, replaced with grief.

Ha.  

Will wanted to laugh. Of course, Halt felt grief. But what did he know? He didn't know what they'd gone through in Skandia. He didn't understand. Halt's eyes softened, and he moved in front, still holding his wrists, so Will would have to barge past him if he wanted to leave.

"Well, I can't exactly go back in there now. I've made a fool of myself, haven't I?" Will snapped.

"Of course, you can." Halt soothed, "No one blames you."

"Blames me?" Will recoiled." Halt. In what world would they blame me?"

He'd only spent every minute of his time back in Araluen blaming himself and assuming everyone was doing the same, but he wasn't about to let Halt in on that. The last thing he needed was for Halt to realise how messed up he was. And everyone kept saying over and over, 'We don't blame you.' But, of course, they did. He could have been stronger, faster. He could have resisted the warm weed. He could have been something worth being proud of, and what had he been instead? A coward. Led by fear. Found shivering and huddled beneath a tree while the Princess of Araluen fought for her life.

He yanked his arm out of Halt's grip and marched away. 

This time, Halt didn't follow him.

The outside air was nowhere near as soothing as he'd hoped, but he sat out there anyway, high up in a tree so no one could follow him. No one but another ranger, of course.

"Whatcha doin'?" 

Will swore and looked around. At first, even with all his training, he could see nothing. Then, a movement to his right, so very faint it could have just been the wind. He swung around and came face to face with Gilan.

"Hey, Will!" Gilan grinned at him.

Will scowled at him and wiggled further along his branch to put as much distance between them as possible. Usually, he loved Gilan's visits, but tonight he just wanted to be alone.

Gilan closed the space between them, never dropping his smile. 

"Having a nice night?" Gilan asked.

There was no way he was that oblivious. And even if he was. He could not miss the ice in Will's voice when he responded.

"Obviously," he growled.

Gilan smiled wider, "You want to know who you sound like?"

"No."

"You sound just like Halt!"

"Cool."

And then Gilan went on chatting about all manner of random things, asking all kinds of questions, never once put off by Will's monosyllabic answers. Eventually, the fear and tension drained out of Will, and now he was just cold and uncomfortable sitting up in that tree. He hadn't been wearing his cloak for the Winter feast and felt naked and exposed without it. Then Gilan scooched even closer and wrapped his cloak around them. It was comforting and warm, but Will wasn't about to admit that.

"Gilan, this branch will break if you sit that close to me." He sighed.

"So let's maybe get out of the tree?"

"Why were you in the tree to start with?"

"Why were you?"

Will sighed again, rubbed his hands across his face, but didn't answer. The branch made an uncomfortable creaking noise as the wind blew. Gilan tapped him lightly on the shoulder.

"Let's get down. I don't fancy breaking my neck."

"Fine."

They lay on the cold grass at the foot of the tree, looking up at the canopy of stars.

"You know, Will…" Gilan started.

Here it comes. Here comes the 'don't blame yourself,' the 'we love you', the 'were only trying to help-'

"You're gonna make a great ranger."

Oh.

"Why?" he asked before he could stop himself.

"You learn from your mistakes."

Ah yes. Mistakes. He'd made so many in such a short time it was hard to keep track of. Funny how Gilan thought that counted as somehow learning. 

"I should never have made those mistakes." he pulled at the grass.

"Everyone does."

"Halt doesn't."

And Gilan laughed. He sat up so he could use his whole body to laugh. Tears were streaming down his face.

"Ah. I remember being you." He said finally, wiping his eyes. "Halt is just as human as the rest of us. Shocking as it may seem. He's made plenty. I have a great story just for this."

Inside the castle, Halt was pacing. He'd debated going after Will a hundred times and decided against it every time. Will was recovering. He needed space, not to be smothered. But… Halt spun around and started pacing back up the hallway, Will was also hurting. He needed support. He needed love and to be shown he was still valued and valuable, even after everything he'd been through. Halt didn't even know the half of it, only the vague snippets Will and Evanlyn had told him. And they had been very vague snippets. He knew something terrible had happened but didn't know what. But based on the condition Will had been in when they found him, Emaciated, trembling, unable to hold down food or water, screaming in his sleep, Halt wasn't even sure he wanted to know, lest he start a war with Skandia over their treatment of the boy. He turned and began pacing the other way. 

But maybe what Will needed was to talk about it? Maybe letting other people in would finally help. Ease the burden of guilt, or sorrow, whatever he was carrying. Halt only wanted to help. He just had no idea where to start. When someone is bleeding, you stitch them up. When they're suffering on the inside? He didn't know…

"And that's the story of Halt adopting seventeen cats." Gilan finished, and Will howled with laughter.

"I don't believe you, not in the slightest!"

"It's true! You ask him!"

"I will!"

Ah, it felt good to laugh. It felt good to just smile. Somehow he felt a bit more whole, even if it was only temporary. Will closed his eyes and laid back on the grass at the foot of the tree. He knew he'd have to go in at some point. Face what had happened. Apologise to Halt. And Horace. And the Baron. And everyone else. He'd have to go back to being a ranger. One who controlled his emotions a bit better.

But for now, it felt good just to laugh with a friend. 

The festivities were over long before Will and Gilan returned to the castle hall, but they figured they could at least help with the cleanup, given they were absent for the entire thing. Halt was waiting for them in a dark corner, looking broody. 

"Will." he merely nodded, "Gilan."

Gilan nearly laughed. Halt looked so out of his depth holding party decorations. But then he looked at Will, and all the humour stole out of him. Will looked desolate again. Instinctively he reached for the younger man, but Will brushed his hand away. 

"I'd like to apologise, Halt," he said it like he was talking to a stranger and Halt visibly flinched.

"No need," Halt said gently.

"Where can we get started to help?" Will continued in the same, icily formal tone.

Halt sighed, and Gilan sighed too. He'd thought they'd made some progress.