Chapter Text
I awoke the next morning, still lying on the beach; for a moment I couldn't remember where I was, and I didn't remember falling asleep. My muscles felt sluggish and I was sore all over, though the soft sands were surprisingly comfortable and my head was propped against something warm.
Right… beach. Some details returned to me in a blur. Rodyle's ranch… we had won, though it had been a tough victory. But it was over. We were past it, and a lot of people had lived that originally would've died. That alone was proof that I really did have the power to change things…
After a moment I registered that I was still wearing Lloyd's coat, and a blanket had been considerately draped over me. I no longer felt unbearably cold, and I could wiggle my fingers and toes again. At least I wasn't going to die. Not today, at least.
"Oh, awesome, you're awake. I was wondering when I'd get to feel my arm again." Zelos' voice cut in, drawing my thoughts to a screeching halt.
My brows drew together. Then I turned my head to see the Chosen's face mere inches from my own; he was smirking. Slowly I realized that the warm thing my head was propped on was in fact his bicep. Sucking in a startled breath, I shot into a sitting position and my head spun.
"Whoa, take it easy! Gotta say, I don't think I've ever seen a woman react like that after waking up next to me. Ouch."
"How—wh-why—?" Oh god. Oh god. Face turning red.
"You're the one who fell asleep like that. You finally stopped shivering, so I didn't want to wake you up." He winked. "We can spoon next time if you want. Might be cozier."
"Oh my god, I hate you," I said, covering my face with my hands. Spooning? Before I could stop it, my traitorous brain conjured up the image and my stomach fluttered.
"Please. You can't fool me, my little spitfire!" He was laughing. "I seem to recall you saying we weren't friends once upon a time. Oh yeah, remember how I kissed you?"
I peeked at him through my fingers, horrified. I had been kind of hoping that incident would be forgotten if I never brought it up again, but of course he'd be keeping it on the back burner for moments like this.
"No. You just got demoted to not-friend again," I mumbled through my hands.
"Aw, c'mon! It was just a little peck on the lips! Besides, it's not like I stole your first kiss or anything."
My fingers snapped shut again and I squeezed my eyes closed, wishing I could bury my head in the sand until he went away. Jesus. This was too much first thing in the morning.
There was a heavy silence as Zelos put the pieces together.
"…What? No. Really?"
"Stop talking."
"You're serious? This—this is not cool! Hey, come here."
I lowered my hands a bit to give him an incredulous stare. "Huh?"
He was leaning forward, looking resolute. "Come here, spitfire. I can't let your first kiss be that. I mean—that wasn't even a real kiss! Let me make it up to you."
"…Make it up to me?"
A slow smile, his eyes half-lidded. "Sure. Give me a do-over."
Okay, that's it. I huffed at him, pushing myself to my feet, but my heart was pounding so much I had to wonder if he could hear it.
He stared at me from his spot on the ground, his face falling. "But hunny!"
"I am not letting you kiss me just to stroke your sad male ego," I growled.
"Hey, that's not what this is about! It's about stroking your ego—among other things," he couldn't resist adding.
Now I turned on my heel, groaning. For some reason his flirting had been getting to me more and more lately, almost like I was reverting back to my crazed hormonal state from day one. It wasn't fair.
"Leaving now," I announced.
"All right, fine! I'll just have to catch you by surprise again. My perfect hunny will get the perfect smooch!"
"Maybe I'll go make out with Yuan just to spite you."
"What? Hunnyyyy!"
I was already marching away from him, heading directly for one of the smoldering fires where some of the others were gathered. Thankfully Zelos made no effort to pursue; he had had his fill for now. My face felt too hot; dammit, I needed to talk to someone else for a while until I calmed down.
The only people up right now other than Zelos and I were Colette, Yuan and the Professor. They were gathered around one fire, away from the sleeping figures of the others. I walked up to Colette, who smiled at me in greeting, and plopped down next to her.
"Good morning!" she chirped.
"Morning," I sighed.
Raine paused to smile my way before resuming writing in a notebook. Meanwhile Yuan was sitting on the other side of the coals, holding an open book in one hand. It was lowered; he was staring at me, one eyebrow raised.
"Um…" Colette was still smiling, but there was a hesitant edge to it. I looked over at her.
"What is it?"
She leaned in, lowering her voice to a whisper. "Did Zelos really kiss you?"
My back went ramrod straight. Angelic hearing. "You heard that whole conversation, didn't you."
"Unfortunately," Yuan replied, lowering his gaze to the book once more.
"I'm sorry…" Colette's cheeks turned faintly pink.
The Professor had paused, looking up to shoot us a confused glance. "…Did I miss something?"
"Right." I stood up again, sufficiently mortified, and migrated over to the other fire.
There were many sleeping bodies scattered throughout the area, but I quickly located Lloyd and flopped down next to him, shrugging off his jacket and dropping it on his head. He shifted, reaching up to pull the article off his face with a quiet groan. I smiled before turning my attention to the hot coals, trying not to think.
Of course, not thinking was impossible. I wasn't so much embarrassed that Yuan had heard my bullshit declaration of intent to make out with him (okay, pretty embarrassed, but it was kind of hilarious at the same time); it was more the conversation itself.
Maybe it was because the right person had never come along, or maybe it was because I had been spirited away before my adult life really had a chance to start… but a lot of my firsts had never happened. First kiss, first date, first boyfriend… logically I knew it was all stupid stuff that didn't matter, but at the same time it was still a sore spot for me. I had never really been picked on in high school, had been quiet enough to be left alone, but I had heard enough to know about the underlying social stigma that existed around people who weren't experienced. Zelos' incredulous reaction had stung a little, though I was grateful he hadn't dwelled on it for long.
It was ridiculous. The things I had seen and done at this point in my life were worth far more than any of that, but years among my judgmental peers had conditioned me to think in a way that I knew was irrational. I tended to avoid the topic of men and romance solely because when people found out, it became an embarrassingly big deal. What, really? Never? You've never kissed a guy, not even once? And then, inevitably, people would censor themselves around me, treat me like I was naïve and innocent—a child.
I sighed, picking up a stick to poke at the coals. The fact that I was even thinking about this right now irritated me. It was like I had never left high school. So Zelos knew I was completely new to intimacy—so what? He wasn't the type of guy to think anything less of me for it, or to go around telling everyone. What did it matter?
My perfect hunny will get the perfect smooch!
Another sigh, this one more of a huff. Now I was outright stabbing the coals.
Right. That's all I was to him, anyway. Another hunny. Just another floozy, who—
…Wait. No, that couldn't be true, right? Why did I feel so bitter and self-conscious? It was just Zelos… we had gotten along almost from day one. Considering the amount of shit we had been through, there was no way he thought of me as one of his groupies, the girls who were attracted to his looks and fame and nothing more.
I looked up, silently picking out the spot by the water where the redhead was sitting. He hadn't moved from his spot; right now he was stretched out on the sand, staring up at the slowly brightening sky.
For a moment my mind flashed back to the battle yesterday. I remembered how he had been slammed against the glass, how for that split second I had been completely frozen with fear. Then I thought of how oddly quiet he had been after I had barely survived, and felt an immense rush of guilt coupled with a strange warmth. Zelos always shut down like that when he was upset. Maybe my apology should've been a little more sincere…
I thought of the sheer relief I had felt the day we made up. Zelos' birthday, how he had briefly dropped the façade. The day he had come to help us bury the dead in Ozette. How he had rescued me from the Renegade base. How he had been my rock ever since I told him the truth about everything. How I couldn't imagine going back to being completely alone again, couldn't imagine not having him around.
My hand froze, and I dropped my makeshift fire poker. For a moment it felt like my heart had leapt into my throat. I swallowed, face turning even redder.
Oh.
"Oh, crap," I whispered, gaze still fixed on him.
It's not a crush.
The heavy thought continued to echo through my mind and suddenly everything made sense, and I couldn't believe how dense and in denial I had been, too scared to place any sort of emotional investment in someone I thought of as unattainable.
Not a crush… not a crush… not a crush…
Am I…
… Am I in love with him?
Feeling my stomach drop like it was loaded with a ton of cinder blocks, I picked up the stick once more and began to fidget, slowly snapping it into smaller pieces.
That couldn't be it. There was no doubt that I loved him, but being in love? I was definitely in something. Infatuated, maybe. God, what was wrong with me? Now that I was letting myself think about it, I couldn't take it back. Fuck. It just kept getting worse. Why did I have to have feelings for him? It'd be so much easier to be best friends—he could still hurt me, but at least then I wouldn't have to get my heart broken.
…It made sense. That was why our conversation had bothered me on a deeper level… flirting was just a game to him. But to me, the thought of kissing him… it was so…
"Hey, Brit?"
I jumped, taking in a sharp breath. Somewhere during my train of thought, Lloyd had stirred and sat up. He was watching me, running a hand through his messy hair.
"Uh—y-yeah?" My voice sounded choked.
"What'd Zelos do this time?" The teen straightened, rubbing his eyes.
"What do you mean?" I squeaked.
Lloyd's brow furrowed. "You've been staring at him with this furious look on your face for the past few minutes, and your face is all red…" A beat. "And you keep snapping that twig—it's kind of scaring me."
I felt even more blood rush to my face. Heaving yet another sigh, I threw the remains of the stick into the coals, where they began to slowly catch.
"…It's nothing. Boys are dumb," I finally said.
"Yeah, well girls are confusing," he grumbled, pulling his coat back on. "Like, you just said it's nothing, even though it's obviously not nothing. 'Cause if it wasn't, you wouldn't be acting all weird."
I pulled my legs in and wrapped my arms around them, resting my chin on my knees. "I don't really wanna talk about it."
For a moment he paused and frowned skeptically at me; then he seemed to take stock of my beet red face once more, and shrugged. "… Okay."
"Thanks," I said quietly, relieved.
I shifted my body a bit so I wouldn't be facing where the redhead was sitting in the distance; then I mentally boxed up all of my embarrassing personal thoughts, and shoved that box into a dusty attic somewhere in my brain. I'd save that box for a rainy day, one of those days where I wanted to be alone and watch Lifetime dramas and cry while eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's.
"So, are you… feeling all right?"
The shift in subject was nice, and I felt myself relax.
"Yeah," I replied. "I feel normal again, anyway."
"…Good." A pregnant pause. "… I wanna be mad at you, you know. For—for whatever you did yesterday."
"Whatever I did?" I repeated slowly, wearing a troubled frown.
"Yeah," Lloyd sighed, fiddling with his gloves. "It's just, it still doesn't feel right to me. If you hadn't been there… Botta didn't know how to stop the flooding, and he still told us to go on ahead. They would've sacrificed themselves, wouldn't they? And Yuan coming all the way here, it's just—it's just weird. It'd make more sense if he knew about the dragons beforehand, but…"
He made a frustrated noise, running a hand through his hair. "I thought about all the stuff that would've happened if you hadn't been there, and it's kinda like… kinda like you knew, and that's why you insisted on coming along. It makes no sense, but you knew a lot of stuff before too…"
I was chewing on my lower lip, fidgeting now. Lloyd's deductive skills improved by the day—I had been keeping him on his toes, apparently.
"Look, Lloyd…" I sighed. "I won't say you're completely off base, but still… we did make a deal that I'd spill the beans later. Tower of Mana, remember?"
He raised his eyebrows, looking taken aback. "Tower of Mana?"
I realized my mistake and grimaced. "Ugh. The last pact, I mean. That's… well, whatever, I guess you know now. I suck at this."
Now that I was being honest with both Kratos and Zelos, I had grown a little less diligent. It was getting harder and harder to switch back to being on guard after talking to either of them, and I realized now that I was starting to slip up more often because of it.
"How would you—?" The teen cut himself off, frowned, and shook his head. "You do know things! Look, just because sometimes you might know what's coming doesn't mean you can go off and take it all on by yourself! Sometimes I think if you knew Yggdrasill's weakness you'd just try to take him out when no one was looking."
I rubbed the back of my neck, thinking of Mithos. "I probably would."
"Stupid," Lloyd huffed. "I dunno what's going on, but you have to talk to me next time, okay? I trust you, but if you had died yesterday, I never would've forgiven myself. And that's—that's not fair."
The edge in his voice cut deep, and I felt immensely guilty. He was appealing to me, begging me not to act on my own again—but could I really make that promise? Weren't there some things that I just couldn't tell him, not without ruining everything?
For a moment my mind rested on Kratos. I swallowed, clenching my fists. If Lloyd thought this was bad, how was he going to react when he found out I had been working with the seraph all this time? How would he react when he found out I had known Kratos was his father from day one?
"I'm sorry, Lloyd," I said quietly. "For what it's worth, the plan was never to sacrifice myself to save the Renegades. I had instructions from Yuan—I really thought what I was doing was going to work. And it did, we just… had some technical difficulties."
"Would they have died?" Lloyd asked, not looking at me.
"Yes. Probably," I added quickly, wishing I had sounded less sure.
"Dammit…" Now he heaved a sigh. "Fine, I won't ask any more. We've just got a couple seals left; try not to do anything crazy until then, okay?"
"Deal," I replied, offering a weak, hopeful smile.
He managed a smile in return and I relaxed. Good… we were good for now.
"So, then…" Lloyd perked up a bit. "Which pact do you think we'll make next?"
"Noooooo."
"Saying that over and over isn't going to make it better!"
"Nooooooooo."
"Gimme a break, you're worse than Lloyd."
"Hey, shut it, Genis!"
"I don't even have the energy to protest right now," I groaned.
"Interesting. You certainly have enough energy to complain."
"No one asked you, Yuan! Why are you even still here?!"
"Thunder—"
"I mean, I'm so happy you're here, Yuan! Yuan's the best! Yay, Yuan!"
"Good. You're learning."
I crossed my arms, hunched my sunburned shoulders and gave the seraph a dirty look. He had his blue hair tied back more tightly than usual in defense against the hot desert winds, and his cloak worked perfectly as protection against the sun—he was clearly very used to the elements here.
Needless to say, we had chosen Efreet for our next pact. This was mainly due to the fact that we were going to pop by Iselia afterward; while Lloyd was visiting Dirk, Colette could go down to the village and visit her father and grandmother. They couldn't not return to their loved ones after all this time, but it was still clear all of the Iselians in the group had mixed feelings about this after everything that had happened. I had a feeling we'd be staying at Dirk's the whole time.
While Botta and a few others went back inside the Remote Island ranch to drain some of the flooded passages and access the Mana Cannon controls, Yuan had called for some Renegade reinforcements to help return the surviving prisoners to shore, where they could then head to nearby Palmacosta to request aid.
Frankly, the gesture impressed the hell out of me and I found myself having much more respect for the Renegades. Meanwhile, the rest of us decided to head to the Triet Desert—and since Yuan was headed back to his base, he had chosen to act as our escort of sorts. It was weird to actually be traveling with him.
Unfortunately, due to Triet's frequent sandstorms and the hard-to-spot location of the Triet ruins, we hadn't been able to land the Rheairds right in front of our destination. That was why we were making the several mile trek over to the seal; thankfully Yuan knew the desert like the back of his hand, so he was our guide for the time being.
He was being relatively civil to us. I couldn't get used to it.
"How do people even live in Sylvarant?!" Next to me, Zelos groaned. His shoulders were also quite sunburned, and his hair had seen better days. I privately felt victorious that there were some days when even Zelos could be a hot mess.
Genis rolled his eyes. "It's not all like this! It's just because we're in the desert—and it's not that bad. Last time we were here for weeks!"
"Ugh, don't remind me," Lloyd piped up, pushing sweaty bangs out of his eyes. "Speaking of which, that's when we first met Yuan. You should've seen the awesome escape I pulled from the Renegade base!"
"You destroyed a piece of very expensive equipment and came gallivanting straight into my office," Yuan interjected dryly. "You're lucky your friends came for you, or I would've had you washing the floors for weeks."
"Lloyd Irving, indentured servant," I said with a grin, and the teen shoved me.
Another half hour passed before we could see the outline of the ruins in the distance; thankfully it didn't turn out to be a mirage. Between sorting things out this morning, traveling all the way here by Rheaird, and walking the rest of the way to our destination, we had already used up most of the day. The sun was beginning to set and the temperature was plummeting.
Though the rest of the desert was cooling off quickly, the area around the ruins was still quite warm. The entrance to the ruins themselves was letting off a good amount of heat; while I was a bit grateful for it now, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about how hot it would actually be inside. Wasn't there lava down there? Was that safe? Didn't we need one of those red tunics from the Legend of Zelda?
As Regal made a cooking fire and we set up camp, Yuan had a quick word with Raine and then sat down with us. My thoughts still wanted to wander towards tomorrow, but I could see there was something he wanted to talk about, so I pushed everything aside and looked up attentively. Whatever it was, I didn't like it, because he wasn't even supposed to be with us right now.
Saving Botta had been a much bigger deviation than saving Corrine. I wasn't sure how big of an impact it was going to make, but seeing Yuan acting differently already was sort of troubling. Still, though… he had been acting weird even before. I needed to ask him about our conversation over the communicator, but I wasn't sure when that opportunity was going to arise.
"What would you like to speak to us about, Yuan?" Raine asked when everyone was settled, focusing her calculating gaze on him.
"As we've gained control of the Remote Island ranch, our Dimensional Transfer system should be online again within the next twelve hours. After you finish up here you'll be free to go between the worlds when you wish," Yuan explained. "However, I have to insist that you exercise extreme caution from here on out."
"Haven't we been doing that already?" Lloyd piped up, earning a glare.
"Your actions have been reckless at best," the seraph said. "Just because you have the devil's luck doesn't mean it's likely to last."
"We've been doing our best in dire circumstances," the Professor cut in coolly. "We haven't always had the Renegades on our side."
The Renegade leader made eye contact with her for a moment; I was reminded suddenly of the days she would butt heads with Kratos in exactly the same fashion. His eyes narrowed, but he didn't argue her point.
"Regardless," he continued, "the circumstances have changed. In taking out Rodyle, we have unfortunately also removed a distracting thorn from Cruxis' side. The Renegades will be under close scrutiny from here on; I've also received some troubling intel concerning your Mizuho traitor."
Sheena's back went ramrod straight. "What? Kuchinawa?"
"Cruxis has always had control of Tethe'allan royalty and the clergy through use of the church," Yuan said. "The Pope employs Kuchinawa; Cruxis employs the Pope. As we draw closer to making the final pact, Yggdrasill will make every effort to stop us. I've suspected for a while that killing Sheena would be his first objective."
"And—and Kuchinawa already wants to kill me," the ninja said, staring down at her hands.
"A rogue assassin with a personal agenda is a very dangerous weapon," the seraph cautioned. "And we cannot afford to lose our summoner. Consider your movements carefully."
The seraph straightened a bit, looking around at the rest of us. "Additionally, I'm going to be stepping away from the Renegades for the time being; my presence at this point would be a risk that would restrict our movements. Botta will be filling the role of leader in my absence."
"You're leaving?" Colette's eyes widened. "But what will you do? Where will you go?"
"Explaining my every action to you would defeat the purpose of operating in secret," Yuan shot back, but I saw his lips twitch very slightly at the girl's innocent concern. "I'll likely return to Cruxis for some time—but I will be in contact periodically. Continue as you were before."
What? What?
My mind worked furiously. Why was this…? Botta's death would've prevented this. Was it a good thing or a bad thing? If only Yuan wasn't so damn hard to figure out sometimes!
"All right. Do what you must, then," Raine said, frowning a bit.
"Wait. Don't you know anything else about Kuchinawa's whereabouts?" Sheena asked.
Yuan shook his head. "Other than that he is likely still in Tethe'alla, no. If Cruxis has a hand in things, he will gain access to a Rheaird before long."
Perched on the ninja's shoulder, Corrine growled. "I'll protect Sheena!"
"We will too, Corrine," Lloyd assured him. "Are you sure you'll be okay, Yuan?"
"Your concern is wasted, Lloyd," the Renegade said, though I thought I saw a flash of amusement in his eyes. "I'm more than capable of taking care of myself."
"But you'll at least have some dinner before you go, right?" Colette asked, smiling.
Yuan quirked an eyebrow, staring at her. "Why—"
"C'mon, man!" Zelos clapped him on the shoulder. "Look at that cute smile! Can you really say no? My little angel is irresistible!"
"If you keep yelling like that, you'll just scare him off," I snorted, grabbing the redhead by the back of his coat and yanking him away before he got his ass handed to him.
"Sorry about him, he doesn't have an off button," Sheena said, rolling her eyes.
"Could be you just haven't looked hard enough," Zelos shot back without skipping a beat. He winked.
"Either way," Regal cut in slyly, "I did make too much, and it would be a pity to throw some away…"
"Fine." The seraph settled in and was handed a bowl of soup, much to Colette's delight. Though everything about the man's demeanor screamed we are not friends, stop it, she continued to watch him with a happy smile.
I had to hide my own grin. Yuan was a prickly bastard, but god, I adored Colette for trying.
"Hey—you're leaving already?"
The man stood up, abandoning the ancient stone column he had been leaning against. This area of the ruins was closest to the desert; the others were all sleeping nearer to the entrance that led underground.
"Yes," Yuan replied. "I've stayed long enough as it is."
I frowned, crossing my arms as the cold night air gave me a chill. It was hard to tell whether it was a good or bad thing that he was going off on his own… but that was just how things were happening, so there was probably no point in dwelling on it.
Yuan had offered to take the first watch; I was here taking over for him. Ever since Kratos had left and we had been traveling through relatively monster-free Tethe'alla, we had slacked off a bit on keeping up a night watch; we hadn't had to camp out nearly as often anyway. Things were a lot different back in Sylvarant. We had been attacked by monsters multiple times just traveling the few miles through the desert to get here.
"Well, safe travels, then," I said, settling in the spot he'd previously occupied. "Um… but there's something I wanted to talk to you about."
"Not here," he said, meeting my gaze. My heart leapt into my throat; he knew exactly what I was referring to. "It'll have to wait."
"But…" I couldn't think of a sufficient protest. I knew the risk was people might overhear, but dammit, I wanted to know!
"I'm not going to thank you for what you did," he said, turning to stare out at the starry horizon. "And you should understand precisely why. Tread lightly from now on."
I bristled. "You'd rather I—"
"No," he cut me off. "But actions like yours might just create more problems than they solve. I won't say I'm entirely dissatisfied with how things turned out, but it may not be like this next time."
"…Maybe," I admitted, deflating. Hearing him voice my own doubts was discouraging.
Yuan reached into a pocket of his cloak, pulling something out and throwing it at my feet. My eyes widened; the communicator?! It was snapped in half, a mess of bent metal and broken wires.
"You're playing a dangerous game," the seraph said, turning to leave. "Stop, or you're liable to get burned."
He disappeared into the desert night, and I sat there staring at the broken device for a long time.
The next day was an utter slog. My night watch carried on until about five in the morning when Regal woke up, but I had worked myself up so much overthinking things all night that I couldn't catch any shuteye even when I tried.
Instead I just did my best to focus on the good things, like how nice it would be when we weren't in this fucking desert. It hadn't even been a full twenty-four hours yet and we all looked like hell. As I sat to eat breakfast (the oatmeal practically cooked itself as soon as it touched water), sweat continuously dripped down my face.
We didn't talk much as we broke camp, instead electing to get it over with and head down into the ruins. Raine was the only one who could muster any enthusiasm for the place—well, Regal was humoring her pretty well, but the guy was half naked and at least 50% less affected by the heat than we were. By all rights he should've baked like a fucking lobster with those clothes, but instead he had just gotten a really nice tan.
"What's so funny?" Lloyd shot me a dubious look when he heard me burst out into giggles.
"Regal's tan lines," I replied.
"Oh, hunny, I did not need that mental image to start off the day," Zelos groaned somewhere behind me. The endless heat and discomfort was beginning to turn him into an irritable princess.
That train of thought caused my giggles to come back in full force, and I had to lean against Lloyd for support. God, I was overheated and sleep deprived and everything was hilarious.
"You gonna be okay?" the teen asked, giving me a skeptical look.
"Let's just go kick Efreet's ass," I said, straightening once more.
No thinking about Yuan or Kuchinawa or Cruxis or Kratos or even—even Zelos, god, Zelos. In a way my immense discomfort and exhaustion was kind of nice. All I had to do was put one foot in front of the other, and at one point maybe I'd drown in a pool of my own sweat. That was fine. Everything was fine.
We continued on into the depths of the ruins, one step closer to making our next pact. After today, only two more would remain…