Chapter Text
Entry 1. October 26th
I'm Saiki Kusuo, a 16 year old boy with psychic powers. I've had them ever since I was born.
I've always struggled because of them. I never get a moment of peace without other people's thoughts bombarding me in my every waking moment, I'll never get to feel achievement, I'll never get the joy of a surprise party, and so on. I have other powers too, and they all suck. I hate having them.
When I was younger my older brother, Kusuke, made me limiters.. they keep my powers mostly under control. I love them.
I looked at myself in the mirror again this morning. I always do. I look tired, more so than usual. I've been sleeping more often than not lately but it's not working. Nothing is.
I keep looking at my bed, or rather under it. My parents have stopped searching my room for dirty magazines, as far as I can tell they finally realized I'm just not interested in that kind of stuff. Part of me wishes they didn't stop. Not because I liked their rummaging, but for another reason.
The last day they searched my room was the day Kusuke approached me. It was about three weeks ago from this moment, give or take a few days. Kusuke stopped by for an unexpected visit and when he looked at me it felt like he didn't recognize me for a second.
I'm not sure what he was thinking, but he was weirdly nice to me for the rest of the day before disappearing for a few hours when everyone else was asleep. The morning after I heard a soft patter in my room and immediately opened my eyes.
"Kusuke." I spoke "Why are you in my room?"
"..I have something for you." He said to me, almost as though he felt guilty. At the time I didn't know why but now I do.
"You look different nowadays, tired." He admitted before pausing to consider his next words. "Too tired."
I was too out of it for whatever he was up to, so I uttered an annoyed "Let me sleep then."
"No, I made you something. Think of it as a.. second option." He almost sounded remorseful, but I could tell even then that it was a facade.
"If I ask what it is will you leave me alone?"
"Yes."
I heaved a sigh before starting, "Well, what is it?"
"Think of it as a.. parting gift" He said, almost smiling. He chose those words deliberately, he wanted to see if he could push me to the conclusion before he revealed it himself.
Instead of responding I simply stared at him, piercing through his facetious tone with my eyes. I knew what he meant.
He let out a sigh, as though he actually cared about the implications of his "gift". As if he cared about me. He set down a small bottle of pills on my dresser. Unlabeled, unwanted, ill-intended pills. I knew what he meant.
He started talking, but the words didn't reach me. They flowed around me like water, surrounding my senses until I couldn't hold my breath any longer.
I knew what he meant.
He found a way to kill me, painlessly he said. He told me that only I could make the decision to use them, and not to feel any pressure. I didn't care, I couldn't understand anything at that time. I immediately told him to get out and I locked the door. I don't think I talked to anyone that day.
The morning after I stuffed the pills under my bed and swore I'd never use them. I swore that I wasn't going to let Kusuke win at his twisted mind ganes.
I still swear it, every morning when my gaze falls on my bed I remind myself not to fall for it. I remind myself that I don't need them, but I'm so tired now.
I'm just so tired. Good night.