Chapter Text
lucky.yao CREATED THE GROUP CHAT 'help me with my crush pls'
lucky.yao ADDED 4 MEMBERS
lucky.yao LOCKED THE CHAT
bai ruoyao: ok so
bai ruoyao: since my crush’s identity is now apparently of public domain
bai ruoyao: you guys are morally obligated to help me
tang mo: is this what they mean when they say that curiosity killed the cat?
bai ruoyao: wdym tang tang!!!!!
bai ruoyao: I know you can't wait to help me🥺🥺🥺🥺
tang mo: your own mother wouldn't help you
bai ruoyao: leave taylor swift out of this
bai ruoyao: now back to the main topic
bai ruoyao: do you think that ning ning likes ruan wangshu?
mu huixue: are you actually brain-dead?
|mu huixue: are you actually brain-dead?
tang mo: yes he is
tang mo: did you only realize that just now?
bai ruoyao: why :(((((((
mu huixue: if he liked ruan wangshu, ruan wangshu wouldn't know who he liked right?
mu huixue: or anyway he wouldn't write it in a group chat
bai ruoyao: no listen I did think about that
bai ruoyao: but I thought like
bai ruoyao: what if they're actually already together and ning zheng wants to keep it a secret
bai ruoyao: and ruan wangshu is like teasing/flirting with him by pretending he has a crush on someone when they're actually dating?
fu wenduo: wow
fu wenduo: not even I am that delusional
tang mo: I would like to dissent
fu wenduo: shush that's only because you're too cute
tang mo: .
bai ruoyao: gross.
mu huixue: it's so weird to see tang mo gay panic
mu huixue: he's usually so collected
tang mo: mind your own business
tang mo: anyway
tang mo: we all agree that ning zheng likes bai ruoyao back right?
bai ruoyao: ❓❓❓
fu wenduo: yes
mu huixue: obviously
luo fengcheng: yeah
bai ruoyao: eeeeeh
bai ruoyao: aw you guys flatter me~🤗
bai ruoyao: but like he hates me
tang mo: every sane person in the world hates you
mu huixue: I don’t think he hates hates you
bai ruoyao: nono I know for sure that he hates me
fu wenduo: ?
bai ruoyao: you guys wouldn’t understand it
bai ruoyao:
tang mo: why should he hate you more than the normal amount?
bai ruoyao: I might have mistakenly discovered one of his secrets
bai ruoyao: and I might have less mistakenly used it to make him do anything I say
bai ruoyao:
tang mo: bai ruoyao.
mu huixue: that happened before or after you got a crush for him exactly?
bai ruoyao: after
bai ruoyao:
fu wenduo: why would you even do that.
bai ruoyao: BUUUUUUUUUT I WANTED TO GET CLOSER TO HIM AND HE KEPT REFUSING ME
mu huixue: maybe get the hint
luo fengcheng: didn’t we agree that ning zheng likes him back?
mu huixue: with this new information, even I am not sure anymore
tang mo: wait
tang mo: is it the twin sister thing?
bai ruoyao: sorry tang tang
bai ruoyao: even if it’s you, I can’t say it :((
fu wenduo: I’m positively impressed.
tang mo: yeah
tang mo: I wasn’t expecting such a noble attitude from you
tang mo: good job, bai ruoyao.
bai ruoyao: thanks dads <3
tang mo: aaaand you made me regret that message immediately
tang mo: that’s a talent here
bai ruoyao: thank you eheheh
bai ruoyao: OMG
bai ruoyao: I WAS AT THE BAR AND I JUST SAW NING NING
bai ruoyao: I’M GONNA GO BOTHER HIM BYE
tang mo: sigh…
mu huixue: you really are like his father
tang mo: not you too
tang mo: if my son turned out to be like bai ruoyao, I’d leave him and my husband altogether
fu wenduo: ?????????????????????’
TANG TANG I LOVE YOU
ruan wangshu: tell me why I was walking through the dormitory and I saw luo fengcheng murdering li wen
tang mo: WHAT
tang mo: @the_real_scientist @carboy
luo fengcheng: what?
luo fengcheng: ooh
fu wenduo: ???
luo fengcheng: we were just experimenting
luo fengcheng: he’s not dead
luo fengcheng: @carboy
li wen: hey everyoneeee
li wen: I’m okay, sorry if I scared you!!
li wen: we were experimenting
jack: without me?☹️☹️
luo fengcheng: you need to study for the make-up tests.
jack: 😔
jack: but they’re so hard…
bai ruoyao: you know what else is hard
tang mo: breathing the same air as you
bai ruoyao: you love me
tang mo: you’re delusional
black tower JOINED THE CHAT
bai ruoyao: ?
tang mo: who tf is this?
black tower CHANGED 10+ NICKNAMES
black tower LEFT THE CHAT
drowned their first (and last) pet fish: who was that?
once faked being blind to skip a long line at the supermarket: what the fuck is wrong with your name?
once faked being blind to skip a long line at the supermarket: huh…
used to be the god of a cult in middle school: you did WHAT
used to be the god of a cult in middle school: …
used to be the god of a cult in middle school: oops
once faked being blind to skip a long line at the supermarket: I don’t think oops is the right word for that…
threw a book at a little girl’s face: what is wrong with all of you
used to be the god of a cult in middle school: BRO YOU CANNOT BE TALKING WITH THAT NAME
threw a book at a little girl’s face: .
threw a book at a little girl’s face: listen I had my reasons okay?
once faked being blind to skip a long line at the supermarket: what reason could you possibly give to make you look better?
threw a book at a little girl’s face: …
threw a book at a little girl’s face: she was crying inside a library
used to be the god of a cult in middle school: you’re not okay in the head
killed their first (and last) pet cactus: I’m scared…
once faked being blind to skip a long line at the supermarket: .
once faked being blind to skip a long line at the supermarket: it’s us who should be scared of you
threw a book at a little girl’s face: how do you even kill a cactus
used to be the god of a cult in middle school: no cuz literally
used to be the god of a cult in middle school: all you have to do is forget abt it and then water it when you remember it exists
once faked being blind to skip a long line at the supermarket: if the fish and the cactus ppl are not tang mo and fu wenduo idk what to believe anymore
drowned their first (and last) pet fish: I’m neither of them
killed their first (and last) pet cactus: yeah same
is banned from ao3: wait
is banned from ao3: 1st lol yeah I am banned from ao3
is banned from ao3: 2nd this is fun! we should try guess each other’s identities
once faked being blind to skip a long line at the supermarket: to the cult’s god guy, you’re bai ruoyao
used to be the god of a cult in middle school: say that again if you want me to kill you
used to be the god of a cult in middle school: YOU’re bai ruoyao
once faked being blind to skip a long line at the supermarket: nah, nice guess tho
threw a book at a little girl’s face: literally anyone here could be bai ruoyao he’s probably done all of these things and much more
once liked 20 homophobic comments thinking that they were supportive comments: hey guys, what’s happening?
once liked 20 homophobic comments thinking that they were supportive comments: .
once liked 20 homophobic comments thinking that they were supportive comments: I swore that I would bring this to my grave.
used to be the god of a cult in middle school: HELLO? TWENTY???
once faked being blind to skip a long line at the supermarket: in their defense some of those homophobic bitches be a lil too fruity lately
used to be the god of a cult in middle school: SURE BUT TWENTY???
is banned from ao3: how tf can a person mess up that badly
threw a book at a little girl’s face: YOU cannot talk about messing up badly.
used to be the god of a cult in middle school: what did you even do to get banned from ao3…
is banned from ao3: secret :p
is banned from italy because of tax evasion: dude the piss kink tag has 4622 works you have to kill someone to get banned from that site
is banned from italy because of tax evasion: oh fuck this was supposed to be a secret wtf
once faked being blind to skip a long line at the supermarket: TAX EVASION??
threw a book at a little girl’s face: so for now we’ve got
threw a book at a little girl’s face: 2 accidental pet murderers, an ex cult leader, a tax evader, a potential serial killer, an idiot, and a generally bad person
once faked being blind to skip a long line at the supermarket: wait which one am I
once faked being blind to skip a long line at the supermarket: oooh nvm I got it
once faked being blind to skip a long line at the supermarket: YOU THREW A BOOK AT LITTLE GIRL’S FACE
threw a book at a little girl’s face: SHE WAS BEING ANNOYING OKAY?
once liked 20 homophobic comments thinking that they were supportive comments: ooooh I think know who you are
threw a book at a little girl’s face: I definitely know who you are
threw a book at a little girl’s face: keep quiet, I want to win.
once liked 20 homophobic comments thinking that they were supportive comments: ok…
cries every night because they miss their mom: hey everyone!
cries every night because they miss their mom: huh? my name?
threw a book at a little girl’s face: oh this is easy hi jack
cries every night because they miss their mom: who are you?
cries every night because they miss their mom: how do you know about this?
once faked being blind to skip a long line at the supermarket: literally everyone knows about it
once faked being blind to skip a long line at the supermarket: we can hear you even from the girl’s dormitory
once faked being blind to skip a long line at the supermarket: …
once faked being blind to skip a long line at the supermarket: fuck.
threw a book at a little girl’s face: mu huixue.
once faked being blind to skip a long line at the supermarket: sigh
once liked 20 homophobic comments thinking that they were supportive comments: I just lost all my respect for you, mu huixue
is banned from ao3: I just gained a lot of respect for you!!
once faked being blind to skip a long line at the supermarket: listen it was like
once faked being blind to skip a long line at the supermarket: a very long line
threw a book at a little girl’s face: this is kinda pathetic…
once faked being blind to skip a long line at the supermarket: YOU THREW A BOOK AT A LITTLE GIRL’S FACE
threw a book at a little girl’s face: moving on…
threw a book at a little girl’s face: I suggest that everyone who has been discovered change their name back so it’s easier to guess the others
jackjack CHANGED THEIR NAME
kms CHANGED THEIR NAME
jack: so everyone hears me crying every night?
is banned from ao3: yes dude you’re literally so loud you have no idea
has started COVID-19: leave him alone.
has started COVID-19: okay wtf this is confidential information
threw a book at a little girl’s face: amazing, now we’ve also got patient zero
threw a book at a little girl’s face: could this group chat get any weirder
has eaten human meat: hey everyone, what’s happening?
has eaten human meat: human meat???
threw a book at a little girl’s face: I’ll just stop talking for a while I think…
is banned from ao3: you unknowingly ate human meat?
has eaten human meat: HUMAN MEAT????
has eaten human meat: WHEN DID I ATE IT?
mu huixue: how the fuck did that black tower person know things we aren’t even aware of ourselves??
has eaten human meat: HOW THE FUCK DID I EAT HUMAN MEAT??????
threw a book at a little girl’s face: oh wait
threw a book at a little girl’s face: li wen?
has eaten human meat: yes it’s me…
is banned from ao3: LMAO most normal rich person event
kms CHANGED A NAME
li wen: human meat…
drowned their first (and last) pet fish: come on, maybe the black tower guy is lying
li wen: mhh
threw a book at a little girl’s face: wait
threw a book at a little girl’s face: pet fish person, are you chen shanshan?
drowned their first (and last) pet fish: !!
drowned their first (and last) pet fish: yes!
drowned their first (and last) pet fish: how did you know?
threw a book at a little girl’s face: you’re the only one who would sincerely comfort that idiot
drowned their first (and last) pet fish: ahahahah…
shanchenshan CHANGED THEIR NAME
chen shanshan: in any case, I held a funeral for the fish…
mu huixue: of course you did
used to be the god of a cult in middle school: by the way I’m pretty sure I know who the COVID guy is
has started COVID-19: with that nickname, I genuinely have no idea who you could be
threw a book at a little girl’s face: I also know who covid-19 is
threw a book at a little girl’s face: luo fengcheng, right?
has started COVID-19: yeah…
the_real_scientist CHANGED THEIR NAME
luo fengcheng: how did you know, though?
threw a book at a little girl’s face: you literally only came online to defend jack, sooo
used to be the god of a cult in middle school: yup same thoughts
jack: awwww I love you luo fengcheng!!!
luo fengcheng: mmh…
luo fengcheng: love you too…
mu huixue: get this disgusting homosexual shit out my chat
killed their first (and last) pet cactus: I think you should chill down with the homophobia…
killed their first (and last) pet cactus: bisexuality won’t protect you forever
fought with a bear because they were drunk: mu huixue is bisexual?
used to be the god of a cult in middle school: now who tf is this bro
fought with a bear because they were drunk: oh
fought with a bear because they were drunk: sorry, I haven’t talked before
fought with a bear because they were drunk: I just installed a new translator
threw a book at a little girl’s face: andrei?
fought with a bear because they were drunk: yes it’s me
the_real_scientist CHANGED A NAME
mu huixue: you fought with a bear??
andrei: I thought he was a very hairy man.
andrei: you like boys too?
mu huixue: sometimes
mu huixue: if they’re strong
andrei: how strong?
mu huixue: mmmh
mu huixue: strong enough to fight against a bear?
andrei: !!!!
is banned from ao3: get this disgusting heterosexual shit out my chat
once liked 20 homophobic comments thinking that they were supportive comments: of course the ao3 guy hates straight ppl
is banned from ao3: ofc the person who likes homophobic comments hates the ao3 user
once liked 20 homophobic comments thinking that they were supportive comments: listen.
once liked 20 homophobic comments thinking that they were supportive comments: they weren’t using any tone indicator and their comments were unnecessarily complicated.
once liked 20 homophobic comments thinking that they were supportive comments: and it was also very late at night.
is banned from ao3: sure sure keep telling yourself that
threw a book at a little girl’s face: shut up bai ruoyao
is banned from ao3: GASP
is banned from ao3: HOW DID U KNOW IT WAS ME!!!
threw a book at a little girl’s face: I knew since you used the “:p” emoji
threw a book at a little girl’s face: I just wanted to see how much you would ridicule yourself
is banned from ao3: awwww :(
lucky.yao HAS CHANGED THEIR NAME
bai ruoyao: sigh, I was having fun
used to be the god of a cult in middle school: hey book guy you’re good!
used to be the god of a cult in middle school: you’ve guessed everyone for now!
threw a book at a little girl’s face: thank you.
threw a book at a little girl’s face: although I can’t understand who you are…
threw a book at a little girl’s face: I think the tax evader is grecia
is banned from italy because of tax evasion: 🤫🤫🤫
Ilovemoney CHANGED THEIR NAME
grecia: don’t tell anyone
grecia: I can’t risk the fbi arresting me again
killed their first (and last) pet cactus: I wanna get out of this chat…
threw a book at a little girl’s face: me too fu wensheng, me too…
kms CHANGED A NAME
fu wensheng: awww I was found out
used to be the god of a cult in middle school: wait, now I know who the book dude is…
threw a book at a little girl’s face: going by exclusion, I also know who you are, ruan wangshu
used to be the god of a cult in middle school: FUCK
used to be the god of a cult in middle school: I HAD ALMOST UNMASKED YOU
bossss CHANGED THEIR NAME
once liked 20 homophobic comments thinking that they were supportive comments: so can I have the honor?
threw a book at a little girl’s face: of course fu wenduo <3
once liked 20 homophobic comments thinking that they were supportive comments: thank you tang mo <3
South CHANGED THEIR NAME
North CHANGED THEIR NAME
mu huixue: eugh eugh homosexuals
ruan wangshu: speaking of homosexuals…
ruan wangshu: where’s ning zheng?
bai ruoyao: wait you’re right!
bai ruoyao: I’m curious about his embarrassing secret!
bai ruoyao: @ give_me_apples
cried when a boy hugged him: what?
cried when a boy hugged him: …
ruan wangshu: …
tang mo: …
fu wenduo: …
mu huixue: …
chen shanshan: …
luo fengcheng: …
jack: …
fu wensheng: …
li wen: …
andrei: …
grecia: …
bai ruoyao: oh lol yeah I remember that!
cried when a boy hugged him: I’m going to kill myself.