Archive of Our Own ^beta

Five months.

It feels like both a lifetime ago and hardly any time at all since Taichi's left Tokyo, but he's keeping busy with all the schoolwork and the part time job he's picked up to help pay for his rent. His university is hard, but he's no stranger to hard work and even harder expectations, so he manages fine on his own. He doesn't tell his mother whether he gets the top mark or whether he's second or even third best in class — he only tells her that he has good grades and is learning lots, and for once, she seems satisfied with that.

It's another reason why he's grateful for the distance he put between himself and Tokyo, even if it does grate against his heart at times.

It's normally on his walk home from campus that his mind begins to wander, and almost always inevitably turns to the real reason he left Tokyo. What is she doing, how are her classes going, how's karuta practice, tell everyone at the Shiranami society hi for me, Chihaya—

They're friends now, but still not quite as close as they once were. He doesn't think they'll ever be that close again. The lingering sting of her quiet rejection still haunts him, and it's only when he's absorbed in his schoolwork and job that he can blissfully escape the constant reminder in the back of his mind saying she doesn't love you, time to move on.

Besides, Arata's in Tokyo now, filling the empty space Taichi left behind. She'll be fine without him.

The walk between his apartment and the university campus is nearly the same distance between his home and Mizusawa High School, and some days he can trick his mind into thinking that it's the same path, that nothing has changed, that Chihaya is only few steps behind him, lost in her own thoughts as she replays the karuta matches from club practice in her head... 

He decides to take a shortcut through a nearby park to change his surroundings (and hopefully his thoughts) when a short, incessant buzzing comes from the back pocket of his jeans.

He stops in his tracks and pulls out his phone, and his brows furrow in confusion, because—

Why is Arata calling me?

They talk on occasion, but it's mainly through text or email. For a split second he wonders if something terrible has happened, if he's hurt or if Chihaya is in trouble, and he answers with a quick swipe of his thumb.

"Hey, what's up?" he says. It's a casual greeting, but his thumping heart betrays the underlying anxiety he feels.

"Hey, Taichi! How's it goin'?" Arata's voice is even and calm. "Just wanted to check up on ya. It's been a while since we talked."

The longer Arata speaks, the less anxious Taichi becomes. His shoulders relax and the knot of nerves in his stomach loosens.

"You know. Just busy with school," Taichi replies, settling himself on a bench and dropping his backpack by his feet. "I didn't think med school would be this much work right off the bat, but they're really throwing everything at us this term."

"That's what you get for goin' to such a fancy university so far away," Arata replies with a chuckle, and Taichi can perfectly imagine the teasing glint in his eyes as he says it. "Listen, think you can find time in that busy schedule of yours to do me a favor?"

Taichi straightens up. So Arata did have a reason for calling out of the blue.

"Depends on the favor," he eventually replies. He leans forward and braces his elbows on his knees. He tries to predict what it will be, and he's almost certain it has to be karuta related. Maybe he wants to practice with me, he thinks, or maybe there's a tournament coming up near Kyoto and he needs a place to crash for the night.

But then Arata says, "I need you to come back to Tokyo," and Taichi is stumped.

"...what?"

"Not permanently. Just for a visit, but preferably soon." Arata's answer doesn't ease his confusion.

"Why? What's going on in Tokyo?"

Arata then sighs. "It's Chihaya," he says, and immediately the panic returns.

Taichi grips his phone, pressing the speaker so hard into his ear the skin begins to throb. "Is she okay? What's wrong?"

Arata must hear the hitch in his voice, because he starts to quickly reassure him. "Nothing's wrong! She's healthy and all, but...she misses you. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. That's why you need to come and visit."

Taichi blinks, torn between a state of utter confusion and delight. "She misses me?" he repeats, unable to form any other thoughts.

"Yeah. She talks about you all the time. It's gettin' kinda annoying, actually." Arata chuckles ruefully. "But it's the times she's not talkin' about you that get me worried. She gets so...sullen. It's like she's missin' her spark."

Taichi doesn't know what to make of this information. Chihaya texts him once in a while, and in the few times they've talked on the phone since he left she always sounds like her normal, karuta-brained self. Surely she shouldn't be missing him that much, especially now that she has Arata by her side.

Taichi frowns and rubs at his forehead. "Why are you telling me all of this?"

"What do you mean?"

He lets out a frustrated sigh. "Shouldn't you be the one trying to cheer her up? You're just a ten minute train ride away. I'm two hours away. You have the advantage now. You should be using it."

"I'm just trying to make her happy, Taichi. And you make her happy."

It's all a little too ironic for Taichi. He doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. " Arata . All she ever used to talk about was you. You're the one that makes her happy." He remembers the jealousy he used to feel in High School, every time she said Arata's name with that soft, reverent look in her eyes. He hasn't felt that in a while, but the familiar pain of being left behind, of being only second best now resurrects as strong as ever. "You're the one that she wants. It's been that way since we were kids."

Arata is silent for a long moment. "Are you sure?" he asks.

"I know Chihaya pretty well. I think I know her feelings better than even she does." He doesn't know what's wrong with him. He was the one to declare himself and Arata as rivals, and yet here he sits, trying to convince his rival to swoop in and claim the heart of the girl they both love.

Maybe he really is a masochist.

"I don't think you do."

Arata's tone gives him pause. His words are sure, if not a little sad. Taichi straightens from his hunched over position, fixing his gaze on the bright red tree right across from him.

As red as the Tatsuta river , he thinks faintly, and finds that nearly everything reminds him of Chihaya.

He really is a hopeless romantic, too.

"What do you mean by that?" Taichi finally replies wearily. He wants the conversation to be over already, so he doesn't have to keep thinking of Chihaya and everything he's losing by not being by her side.

"Because Chihaya doesn't want me," Arata explains in that same despondent tone. "I....I asked her out again. Right at the end of summer. Since she never really rejected me the first time, I thought maybe I still had a chance..."

He has Taichi's rapt attention now. Surely he doesn't mean…

"She turned me down again, for real this time. She said lots of stuff about how the lines between her devotion to karuta and her admiration of me got blurred, but that she's sorted it all out now and well...she wants to just stay friends."

Taichi can't believe what he's hearing. He's almost upset on Arata's behalf, because what does Chihaya mean she doesn't have feelings for him, after pining after him for almost six years?

But then Arata's words echo in his head, and he wonders if Chihaya really has grown in his absence, or at least enough to recognize and interpret her own emotions.

A small flare of hope ignites in his chest, before he quickly tries to tamper it down.

"I'm...sorry," he tells his friend, and he means it genuinely, because he knows firsthand how much it hurts to be rejected by the person you love. "You deserve to be happy too."

There's a moment of silence, and then Arata's laughter fills his ears. "Are you really tryin' to comfort me Taichi? I thought you'd be over the moon to hear this. It's why I've put off telling you about it for months."

"Well, it doesn't really feel right to cheer or anything," Taichi protests, his cheeks growing warm at Arata's teasing. "Besides, just because she turned you down doesn't mean I have a shot. I've already been down this path, and she told me the same thing — she just wants to be friends."

"But that was back then , Taichi." Taichi can imagine Arata pinching the bridge of his nose in exasperation. "It took you leaving for her to figure out how she truly feels about you." 

“That doesn’t make sense—” Taichi starts to protest, but Arata cuts him off. 

“You’ve been by her side for most of your lives, Taichi. The reason she never saw you was because you were always there . It’s like—like,” he pauses, trying to search for the right words. “It’s like breathing. You don’t ever have to think about the oxygen in the air, or tell your lungs to expand — they just do. You were Chihaya’s air, and now that you’re gone she’s finally realizing how much she depended on you. How much she needs you to survive.” He pauses again, then adds, “How much she loved you.” 

Taichi runs a hand down the side of his face, his heart thumping painfully in his chest. "And…and she told you all of this?" he counters. It's almost cruel of Arata to try and give him this false hope. "She explicitly told you she has feelings for me?"

Arata doesn't answer right away. "Not exactly. I overheard her talking to one of her friends—Kanade, I think? And she said something about how she was afraid she was too late, and had missed her chance now that ‘he’ was gone.”

Taichi can hardly breathe. Could Chihaya really have been talking about him ?

“Besides,” Arata continues, “you know how Chihaya is. She wears her heart on her sleeve. Everyone around her can see what she feels, even if she's still figurin' it out for herself. You just have to trust me on this, Taichi."

Taichi wants to. He wants to believe him so much that his whole body aches with longing, but part of him says he's never that lucky — he doesn't deserve to be happy so easily. He's always denied his own wants in favor of doing what others desire. Most of his life has been spent fulfilling his mother's demands, then his peers, then ultimately Chihaya's.

But if he is truly what she wants, could he really deny her such a thing? Especially when it falls perfectly into line with his own wishes?

"And what if you're wrong?" he finally asks.

"I'm not," Arata replies, and it's the confidence in which he speaks that finally convinces Taichi that maybe— maybe it is true. Arata is a person who knows what he wants and has confidence in his own abilities, which is something Taichi has always admired about his friend before. And if Arata's certain—so certain that he's willing to sacrifice his chance with Chihaya in the process—the least Taichi can do is believe him.

Besides, wouldn't I be a coward if I refused?

"Alright," he finds himself saying, resigned yet tentatively optimistic. "I can't make it back this weekend, but maybe the following Saturday? I should be able to visit Tokyo for at least a day."

"That's perfect. She's gonna be so happy, Taichi. I promise it'll be worth it."

Even without Arata's promise, Taichi knows the trip will be worth it just to see Chihaya’s face again.

He doesn't remember what he says after that, but Arata hangs up with the promise to talk soon, and then Taichi's all alone with his thoughts, his gaze fixed loosely on the falling red leaves of the maple tree across from him. Eventually he stands, grabbing his backpack by his feet and slinging it over his shoulder as he continues his journey home.

He's never been very lucky, not when it comes to fulfilling his own wants and wishes. But maybe just this once…

The corners of his lips tip up into a small, hopeful smile.

Maybe luck is on his side at last.