Chapter Text
August 30th, 1985
Dear dumb, stupid diary.
The school counsellor is making me use this. She says it will “help work through my emotions” but I think that is utter bull.
Billy died. We fought a monster, and he had a “heroic redemption” and sacrificed himself for El to live. He shouldn’t of died. It should’ve been me. I should’ve died. I should die. There’s still time for that.
Neil left. He blames me for Billy’s death, and slapped me. If Hopper was still here I’d maybe be able to get him arrested for assault, or something. But he’s not. So all I could do is just let it happen, He left mum with barely any money, so we won’t be able to stay at the house for very much longer.
El’s moved away. I can’t say why nor where she is incase the government finds this or something… but her moving away has made everything so much bloody worse. She’s living with the byers now. She’s officially Jane Hopper-Byers.
Lucas has realised I’m slipping away. “It’s like you’re a ghost,” he said. I told him I’m not. But I know he’s right. I am like a ghost. I’m distancing myself from the party quite a bit. I’m sure they all know somethings wrong, but they haven’t really made an effort yet. Besides Lucas of course.
I wanted to feel something other then guilt, so I grabbed a lighter and burnt my arm. It’s only a small spot sort of close to my shoulder, so it can be hid by a shirt. I’ll just never wear a singlet ever again. It’s bad, I know. But it felt good to feel something, anything.
This is a short entry, I’m sorry. I’ll try and be better