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The Justice League, Mic’d Up.  

[Posted 1.5 hours ago]

We at the Daily Planet have been allowed to use a sample of recordings from Justice League communicators to show what heroes really talk about when they fight. 

[Clip One: opening shot, a battle in downtown Metropolis against a swarm of insect-like aliens. Heroes include Superman, Batman, Flash, and Green Lantern]

Superman: (annoyed) I’m just saying, it’s always Metropolis. No other city gets invaded this much.

Flash: Well, they certainly won’t go after Gotham.

Batman: (proud) They know better. Gotham shoots on sight. 

Flash: Even aliens are scared of that hellhole.

Batman: (annoyed grunt).

Flash: Affectionate! That was an affectionate nickname!

Green Lantern: Isn’t there a literal portal to Hell in Gotham? I’m almost certain Constantine mentioned that once. 

Batman: Funny how you remember a single comment he made years ago and yet you still haven’t turned in the paperwork I’ve reminded you to do several times this week. 

Superman: Batman, lay off GL. Lantern, please get that paperwork in ASAP. 

Green Lantern: It’s not my fault I was in space for so long. 

Batman: You’ve been back on Earth long enough to fill out a ten page report. Flash, herd them south.

Flash: Got it!

Green Lantern: It’s ten pages?!

Batman: You haven’t even looked at it, have you?

Superman: (tired) Do I need to make y’all do more team building exercises? 

Green Lantern: We’re good. We’re good. No need to go there, Supes. 

Batman: (agreeing grunt). 

Superman: Thank you. Was that so hard? 

Flash: Aw, I was looking forward to seeing it. 

*****

[Part of the comment section for Clip One]

MetroPolish: You know until they talked about it, I never thought about heroes doing paperwork. I guess it makes sense? 

IceOfTheJust: lol Superman sounds like a dad annoyed at two arguing children. 

WonderWomansThighs: What kind of team building exercises does Superman make the JL do if that’s the reaction? 

UrsulaSeQuin: Probably the really boring or embarrassing ones

SirNameMaamName: I bet its a t-shit for two

[Read 15+ comments in this thread]

L(ex)L(uther)Bean: It really is always Metropolis that gets invaded. It’s happened like twice this year and it’s only March. 

RedRobinYuh: Gotham isn’t that ba— (looks out the window where three different villains are fist fighting in the street because they were here first, get your own spot) Never mind. 

MacGyWhore: Notice how Batman didn’t answer about the portal to hell? Is it real? Is it closed? Is it still open? I need to know!

*****

[Clip Two: opening scene, a battle along the coast against humanoid octopuses. Heroes include Captain Marvel, Aquaman, and Wonder Woman.] 

Captain Marvel: And that’s why Darth Vader is so much better of a villain than Kylo Ren.  

Wonder Woman: I must admit, you make a very good argument. I still haven’t seen the prequels so I didn’t know half of that. 

Aquaman: (slightly distorted from being underwater) The prequels get a biased rap. They’re fun. Very meme-able. 

Captain Marvel: Oh no! Did I spoil them for you?

Wonder Woman: No, no. I know the basic plot, just not the details. [Beep] told me about it. He called it a Grecian tragedy since the viewers already know that Anakin will become Darth Vader, trapped by destiny. It hit a bit too close for me to watch them.  

Captain Marvel: (distorted by crackling lightning, dead serious) I can always fight destiny if you want me to. Apollo owes me a few favors for making me clean up some of his messes. 

Aquaman: I can’t tell you how happy I am that I don’t work in with gods. Seems like a hassle, really. But I’d fight Poseidon for you. Not sure how I’d win, but I think it’d be fun to find out. 

Wonder Woman: Thank you. It’s not necessary now, however. 

Captain Marvel: (still serious) Alright, but if you ever change your mind, you know where to find me. 

Wonder Woman: I will. So what was this about a cartoon series?

Captain Marvel: (cheerfully) Clone Wars or Rebels? I can’t remember which one I talked about already. 

Aquaman: Clone Wars rocks. 

Captain Marvel: They’re both really good!

*****

[Part of the comment section for Clip Two]

PawcettKitty: I always forget how powerful Cap is until he makes a casual remark about gods like they’re just some annoying distant family member. 

WonderWomansThighs: oof for Wonder Woman that she can’t watch the cinematic masterpiece that is the Star Wars prequels but at least her friends have her back. 

OhIHer: Things I expected to hear heroes discussing during a fight, tactics. Things heroes are apparently actually discussing during a fight, Star Wars. 

IceOfTheJust: can’t tell if you’re trying to insult them or not

OhIHer: They should be focusing on saving lives, not on opinions about media.

[Read 10+ comments in this thread]

BlueMarvel4eva: I’m glad Captain Marvel has class. Of course Darth Vader is better than Kyle Ron. 

Reylo<3: Kyle Ron??!! Your so childish to misspell his name!!

BlueMarvel4eva: You’re*

[Read 50+ comments in this thread]

*****

[Clip Three: opening scene, a battle in the middle of wide open farmland against killer robots. Heroes include Green Arrow, Superman, Green Lantern, Cyborg, and Flash.] 

Green Lantern: I’m so sorry!

Green Arrow: You dropped me fifty feet!

Green Lantern: Supes caught you! You’re fine!

Green Arrow: He wouldn’t have had to catch me if you didn’t drop me. 

Green Lantern: I’m sorry. I… forgot about gravity. 

Green Arrow: How do you forget about gravity?

Green Lantern: I haven’t been planetside in months! There’s no gravity in deep space!

Flash: (concerned) Arrow, you good? 

Green Arrow: Yeah, Superman knows how to catch people gently.

Superman: Thank you.

Green Arrow: (talking over him) But I nearly had a heart attack because my best friend let go of me in the middle of the sky. Me, a superhero who, I can’t stress this enough, cannot fly. 

Green Lantern: I said I’m sorry! 

Cyborg: If you guys are done with the drama, I’ve finished uploading a virus to their motherboard. 

Superman: (over muffled explosions) Thank you, Cyborg. It’s working perfectly. 

Green Arrow: (offended) Drama? He nearly killed me!

Cyborg: (exasperated) You’re a hero. You nearly die every day. 

Green Lantern: (offended) It was an accident. Don’t make it sound like I tried to murder you. Because if I did, it wouldn’t be try. 

Superman: Alright, let’s stop it right there. No bragging about how good we’d be as villains. We’ve gone over this way too many times. 

Flash: Imagine Batman as a villain. 

[Overlapping groans]

*****

[Part of the comment section for Clip Three]

IceOfTheJust: uhh not sure where to start on this one. GL, dude, you just forgot about gravity??? Glad GA is ok. Superman still sound like a dad lol. Also I really did NOT need the image of an evil Batman but now I can’t stop thinking about it.

T3chBr0sk1: Cyborg just does not care about Arrow’s near death experience lmao. 

WonderWomansThighs: Now I kinda want to see a full JL convo about how ‘good’ of a villain they’d be. Batman as a villain is obviously terrifying but I think Aquaman would actually be the scariest. Oceans make up so much of Earth after all. 

SufferingSurfer: Preach, girl (gender neutral)! I’ve always said Aquaman is a lot more powerful than people think. 

MeadhrosWifey: Personally, I think GL would be terrifying as villain since he’s so unpredictable and can make basically anything.

[Read 25+ comments in this thread]

MetroPolish: Of course Superman can catch people gently, he’s had so much practice with cats in trees. If he can do that without squishing a cat, he can catch human beings without a problem. 

RetroGaydar: I’m cracking up at the thought of Green Lantern just dropping his coffee bc he forgot about gravity, like that one astronaut’s interview.

*****

[Clip Four: opening shot, a battle on the edge of Gotham’s docks against demons. Heroes include Batman, John Constantine, Captain Marvel, and Zatanna.]

Constantine: I’m just saying, luv, it’s bloody freezing and you’re wearing fishnets. You can’t be comfortable. 

Zatanna: I have warming charms. 

Constantine: (thoughtful) I should put warming charms on my coat. 

Captain Marvel: I can do it if you want?

Constantine: Nah, mate, you’d set it on fire. 

Batman: That would be a good thing. That thing is a biohazard. Have you ever cleaned it?

Constantine: It’s not my fault that laundromats can’t get the bloodstains out. 

Captain Marvel: Have you tried washing it by hand? It takes longer but it’s effective. 

Zatanna: Do it with cold water and baking powder or if you don’t have baking powder, salt. That takes bloodstains out nicely without bleaching the fabric. 

Constantine: Thanks, luv. 

Zatanna: (tense) Batman, they figured out you can’t do magic. Be ready to be bait.

[Deafening clap of thunder]

Constantine: Bloody warn someone before you throw around that much divine magic! Ugh, I’m gonna [beep]-ing spew. 

Batman: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I agree with Constantine. Please warn me before you throw a bolt of lightning directly at my face. 

Captain Marvel: (sheepish) Sorry. They were just mobbed up so nicely. 

*****

[Part of the comments section for Clip Four]

WonderWomansThighs: @MacGyWhore I think we just got the answer about the Gotham Hell Portal. 

MacGyWhore: But was this fight before or after the first clip?? I need to know so badly. 

RedRobinYuh: I think it’s before. In the first clip Batman clearly says ‘years ago’

[Read 10+ comments in this thread]

JoiseyBoi: Who the f*** is John Constantine????

MothMaam: I’m glad you asked. I didn’t want to admit it and look stupid but I have no clue who he is either. 

IceOfTheJust: He’s a part of the magical branch of the league. British, loves to swear, fights demons. That’s basically all you need to know. 

[Read 5+ comments in this thread]

CultInTheMouse: Okay was anyone going to tell me that Zatanna Zatara worked with Batman or was I supposed to find that out on the Daily Planet’s website myself. 

PawcettKitty: Once again, Cap shows us how powerful he is by evaporating a dozen demons with one lightning blast. 

UrsulaSeQuin: Every woman knows the power of baking soda and cold water against bloodstains. 

*****

[Clip Five: opening scene, a battle in downtown Central against elves (the North Pole kind, not Tolkien). Heroes include Flash, Green Lantern, and Green Arrow with a bonus of Captain Cold.]

Green Arrow: (gleeful) How do you like the taste of charcoal now, you little shits?

Flash: Why do you even have a charcoal filled boxing glove arrow? 

Captain Cold: (noticeably worse quality audio) I agree. How could you have possibly seen this coming?

Green Arrow: It’s a very long story.

Green Lantern: I still can’t believe it’s December. I thought it was August until five minutes ago. 

Flash: You should be glad that you missed Halloween. Scarecrow tried to branch out of Gotham. 

Green Lantern: I would’ve preferred that. I got stuck on diplomat babysitting duty for seven glurbils. 

Green Arrow: What the f*** is a glurbil? 

Green Lantern: Twelve rotations of Phos Four, which is, what, about an Earth week? I think. I dunno, apparently I’m bad at guesstimating time. It’s definitely their equivalent of a week.

Captain Cold: Wining and dining and lazing about is so much more my kind of good time than being fear gassed. 

Flash: (fond) You would just be there to steal the most valuable item they had. 

Captain Cold: (smug) Of course. 

Green Lantern: They argued for an entire glurbil about taxing different types of glue. I’d rather get fear gassed. 

Green Arrow: I don’t think Scarecrow will ever gas you again after you humiliated him. 

Green Lantern: (laughing) Oh yeah! That was hilarious. But I really did expect the gas to be stronger. It barely did anything. 

Captain Cold: (dead serious) Flash, I’m very glad you are my hero instead of Green Lantern. He’s insane. 

Flash: (fond) That’s part of his charm. 

*****

[Part of the comments section for Clip Five]

WonderWomansThighs: You know as this compilation goes on I’m getting for concerned for GL. Forgot about gravity, fear gas barely worked against him, no idea what month it is. Does space make you go insane like deep sea submariners? 

RedRobinYuh: Hey, can someone please tell me there’s proof that fear gas doesn’t work on GL?

IceOfTheJust: I can’t find the link rn but there’s a clip on YT of GL going, “That’s it? That’s some weak a** shit. I’m not even hallucinating the heat death of the universe.” (or something like that) straight to Scarecrow’s face. 

MetroPolish: Scarecrow literally cried about it on live tv while Batman handed him over to GCPD. It was an unparalleled media experience (from someone who watched it live while absolutely sh*t faced drunk)

[Read 20+ comments in this thread]

MizardWister: Very surprised that the Daily Planet used a clip of heroes working with a known supervillain. Is Flash curropt? He and Captain Cold seemed suspiciously close. 

IceOfTheJust: seriously dude? Have you lived under a rock for the past few years? It’s well known that Captain Cold is incredibly territorial and will help Flash to chase out anyone that isn’t a Central villain. 

JollyGollyGay: First of all, it’s spelled corrupt. Secondly, Flash and Captain Cold have stated multiple times (x, x, x) that they respect each other very highly and are friends outside of masks, like two people from rival hockey teams who regularly beat the sh*t out of each other on ice but go out for pint afterwards. 

[Read 10+ comments in this thread]

Yodaller: I’d sell my liver for the full story of why Green Arrow has a charcoal filled boxing glove arrow.