Chapter Text
It was a well good, March 25th aboard the Red Dwarf. Rimmer giving his full attention to the skutters on how to properly stocktake, noting everything on his favourite clipboard with his second favourite pen. Cat was sat at his sewing machine, a pure smear of light as he assembled the best garments deep space had ever known, precision and accuracy to highlight the perfect angles of his mighty fine ass. Kryten was on his second load of laundry while also simultaneously listening to the latest cooking programme he had found. Something about nuclear fusion! He was unsure which countries were being fused but it sounded mighty good. Kochanski was busy in her room, sat at her desk staring at her computer, attempting (once again) to pen her first book. A smutty romance novel set in the romantic and magical regency era. It was 100 words and well rubbish. Then finally Lister, awake before 10:00, which was a divine miracle, but that’s what happens when a man gets to see his kids. It was Mother’s Day after all.
Attempting to wrap all the gifts he’s collected since Christmas, he pulled the roll of wrapping. A few new video games, clothes, and even a guitar that they’d salvaged. He piled it all together. Using all the momentum he could, he threw the wrapping around it, bunching it all together until it was all covered. Parts sticking out where the paper had ripped. Still he powered on. Finding the end of the duct tape and pulling it taut. Starting at one end of the present and simply wrapping in the opposite direction of the paper until it stopped coming apart beneath him. When it was good enough, he bit the excess off.
He wanted an early start. The boys were nothing like him and Deb. They were real smart. Passing highschool at 6. Not easy. Collecting his things he quickly makes his way to the lower decks to where the dimension hopper was stored. Taking the stairs two at a time, just as Rimmer appeared. Scowling as ever.
“Listy, what’s got you in such a giddy mood?” Quickly eyeing his watch “my god! it’s before noon. Who are you and what have you done to him?” He driveled.
“It’s Mother’s Day Rimmer, Im gone see my kids yeah?” Rimmers face tightened in confusion.
“Hang on, you mean you’re going to visit the twins? Since when?” Lister rolled his eyes.
“Since they were born man! Where’d you think I go ev’ry holiday?”
“To be frankly honest, I hadn’t noticed,”
“Well I’ve got an appointment, so-“ he pushed by Rimmer, continuing down into storage.
Opening the box labeled ‘Lister’s important stuff!’ Revealed all his momentos over the years. He paused, scanning the contents for the machine, it was hard to miss it was just a big red button. A modified Holly Hopper. It took you to the one parallel dimension and only if you were holding it.
“Rimmer!” He called, the man scuttled in. “‘Ave you been touching my stuff?” Rimmer sounded scandalized at just the though. Hand to chest, mouth open. He walked closer.
“I’m offeneded that you would even-“ taking a peer into the box. “-Oh well I might have,” anger flared in his chest.
“Where’d you put it?” He growled, hands clenched with a hairpin trigger.
“Put what exactly?” Rimmer glanced him up and down, carefully marking each word.
“The dimension hopper, I know it was in here. I used it at Christmas,”
“Ooh… that…” he swallowed hard. “I needed the batteries and… took it apart…”
“I’m gonna smeggin-“ Lister didn’t need to finish for Rimmer to get the point. His fist colliding against his hard light, sending him tumbling back.
“Listen Listy…” he placated, eyes dashing around. “Behind you!” He pointed and then ran, full speed. Lister watched him scramble off. The anger hurting far too much to pursue. His hands aching. Trembling. Just hold it together. He whispered to himself.
“Hols?” His voice cracked. “Is there anyway to get to the parallel universe? Quickly?”
“Alright man?” Holly’s face flashing up on the nearest screen. He didn’t seem particularly interested in the answer. “Well what about the dimension hopper? That’s pretty quick?” Lister’s body tensed at the mention. He would kill Rimmer.
“Smeg head took it apart,”
“Oh well there’s always the other one,” lister perked up.
“Other one?”
“Yeah, in the medibay. I made another one. Because I can,”
“Aww Hols you’re brilliant man,”
“Cheers,”
He raced back up the stairs. Sweat starting to build, he’d need deodorant at this rate. He’d already put some on for the occasion. What was the world coming to? Taking the elevator up, the door opened. Kochanski was in the hallway pacing.
“Mornin’” he greeted. She seemed distracted for a moment before realising it was Lister.
“Dave? What one earth are you doing awake?” She asked. Her hair was frazzled with an almost rabid look about her.
“Mother’s Day, I’ve gotta see my kids. Are you alright Kris? You look tense,” she seemed a little lost.
“I’m bloody stuck you see, Katherine and Lord Benlington are at this ball you see and - hang on.” She paused. “Kids? What do you mean kids?” For a moment he must’ve blanched. The whole thing must’ve slipped his mind. Seriously had no one noticed him disappearing all day on important holidays?
“Oh well. I’ve got em. In anotha dimension. Jim and Bexley. They’re six but they look ‘bout twenty something now,” she stood there for a moment.
“Oh Dave that’s amazing? Who’s the mother?” She asked, a bright grin replacing her morose look.
“Me, their dad is Deb. She also technically me I guess,”
“Stranger things have happened I guess,”
“I’m the one that had em…”
“Stranger things may have happened… possibly,”
“Well I’ve gotta get moving. I don’t want to be late and after about 24 hours in their universe my body goes wild,” Lister motioned towards the medibay.
“Can I come? I’m sorry if I’m interrupting anything but, I cannot stand to look at anymore words on a screen!”
“It’s 10am Kris! How long ‘ave you been at it?”
“Since 10! That’s besides the point. I would love to meet my nephews,”
“Your nephews are they?”
“Of course! I was banging alternate you who is basically your brother! And im also your mother. So boom,”
“Alright alright alright! Fine by me. Plus Arlene’s gonna be there and those two are disgustingly happy now,”
Together they entered the medbay only to be greeted by a horrible sight. Rimmer. He was sitting there being waited on by Kryten.
“Are you sure nothing is broken!” He whined pathetically high pitched.
“You are a hologram sir. There is nothing to break,”
“But Kryten my nose hurts!”
“That tends to be the result of getting punched in the face-“ by then Kryten had noticed the new arrivals. “Oh hello Mister Lister and miss Kochanski! I was just assisting Mister Rimmer here with his supposed injury. He tells me you punched him in the face,”
“Of course I did. He was being a smeghole,”
“Fantastic job sir!” Kryten smiled, leaning over to give an exaggerated wink at Lister.
“Oi! I can see and hear you,”
“And what a wonderful miracle that is,”
“Kryts, ‘ave you seen a parallel dimension hopper machine. Just looks like a big red button?” Lister interrupted. Kryten paused for a moment. Thinking really hard. You could tell because he did his ‘thinking really hard’ pose and commented that he was doing it.
“Like this one sir?” He walked over to a draw, shuffling around in there until he pulled it out.
“Yes! Perfect! Kris and I are gonna visit Jim and Bex. We’ll be back later,” a horrifically sad expression spread across Krytens face.
“You’re going to visit the twins with miss kochanski and you didn’t invite me?” His bottom lip quivered.
“Hey man! She asked to come. You’re welcome to as well,” the mechanoid perked up.
“Oh really sir?!”
“Course. I’m sure they’d love to see you again!”
“Hello? Sick and and injured here. You can’t just take the only medical professional here,” Rimmer complained.
“Sure I can. I’d be happy to leave you sick and dying,” Rimmer huffed.
“Well can I at least come?” Listers arms crossed.
“After what you pulled? You’re lucky I only hit you once and Holly had a spare,”
“Ugh! Sorry alright! Now let me come,” he said not sounding in the least bit guilty.
“Fine Rimmah!”
“YAAAOOOOW!!!” cat cried, dancing through the doorway. Covered in his newest suit creation.
“Oh smeggin’ hell,” Lister muttered.
“Check MEOWt,” he danced through the gathering, twirling his jacket as it glimmered in the fluorescent medical lighting.
“Yeah it’s nice Cat. We’re going to see Jim and Bex in the parallel dimension. You comin or what?” Lister sighed. Might as well offer.
“To the dog dimension?” He scoffed. “What am I? Milo and he’s Otis? No sir-e!”
“Alright then, we’re off,” Kryten passed the machine.
“Wait wait wait wait!” Cat cried, everyone turned to look. “You’re all going! Who will I show off my looks to? I’m coming wait up,” he glided over, grabbing onto Lister as everyone huddled around. Touching something of one another.
“Alright, here we g-“
**
“-o” Everyone found themselves in an identical medibay but the tingling feeling like static in the brain was certainly new.
“Hilly?” Lister called. Hilly appeared on the screen, her familiar blonde bob and red lipstick adorned.
“Alright Dave,” she said “what are you doing in here? You’re not usually here. Or have this many,”
“Long story, where’s the boys?”
“In storage room B waiting.”
“Thanks Hils,” he gives a scathing look to Rimmer, who to his credit couldn’t look him in the eye.
“Alright,”
The group travelled together with little fuss, getting into the elevator for the ride down.
“How’s it going?” The elevator asks.
“…We’re good. How are you?” Kryten replies after a beat of silence.
“Yeah it’s alright,” the lift lapses into uncomfortable silence.
Stepping off they all followed the stairs down to Storage Room B. Appearing in the door, they noticed the whole group patiently waiting around.
“Hi guys, sorry I’m late,” Lister chuckled, everyone’s heads turned. Jim and Bexley were near identical to their mother. Round boyish faces, dark hair and big dark eyes. Then again they also looked like their dad, what with both of them being the same person. Seeing Lister walk in they lost it, throwing themselves into a sprint to collide with him as fast as they could. The force sent them all skipping backwards as the boys clinged on to him for dear life.
“‘Appy Mother’s Day!” They cheered.
“Alright alright alright, todays about celebrating me, not sendin’ me to an early grave,” in the chaos Dave looked up to see Deb and Arlene having a laugh to themselves. It wasn’t just the boys that had grown up. It was crazy what had happened to them. Proper parents. Deb even wore shirts without stains, and showered at some point in the week. Arlene no longer in her rigid maintenance uniform but ‘respectable’ slacks and a button up.
“Ah! Dave I see you brought some strays,” Arlene chuffed. Deb gave her a jab with her elbow.
“Ignore ‘er, she’s upset because our crew don’t like her,”
“Oh it’s alright. These guys don’t like our Rimmer eitha,” Lister replied, wrapping his boys under his arms. They all moved towards each other. Dave making proper introductions to Kris who’s face was between shock and violent delight. Kryten had visited once before, seemingly the only one to have noticed Listers disappearance for the holidays. Kris’s eyes politely flicking between the four Listers in the room, face only lightly cringing at the greater implications.
“This ‘ere is Jim,” he gave the boy with the liberty spikes a nudge. ‘This one’s Bex,” Bexley was scarily similar to his mother, dread mullet and all.
“I got you boys gifts,”
Rimmer stared at the boys while Lister fiddled with the present he’d wrapped. It was mind boggling. His heart dropped watching them light up. Even worse, as Lister grinned watching them open it.
“Woah! Mum this is sick as!” Jim grabbed the guitar, giving it the most out of tune strum. Pure screeching in the brain. Deb couldn’t have looked prouder. Everyone else turned a sickly shade of green. Even Kryten.
“We got you somethin’ as well,” Bex grinned, pulling a hand held device from his pocket. It was fairly scrapped together, pocket lint and sand crusted in the corners. It had a power button and a little screen.
“Ayy, what’s this then?” He pressed the on button. The screen turned to static.
“This,” Jim pulled out an identical one from his pocket, lint and all. It vibrated in his hand. Turning it on the screen lit up, showing the view of each other. “Is a video caller, it works across dimensions! Now we can call anytime,” Lister could hardly believe it. Staring down at the device at his kids staring at him.
“Now we can say hi anytime!”
“The boys are real smart don't ya know, Hilly was awfully no help with it all,” Deb boasted much to the computer’s complaint.
“Yes, with the right amount of discipline and schooling these boys have become great young men,” Arlene preened. Jim and Bex rolled their eyes.
“Hils, let Krytie know we’ve got a surprise 4 more joining us,” Deb grinned.
•
Everyone gathered in the Peacock. One of Red Dwarf’s many dining establishments. Everything was a garish blue, or at least that’s what it seemed. Sparkling blue dining cloths. Blue plates and cutlery. Sometimes there was an emerald green to break it up in the decor. It was about as nice as the Red Dwarf could get.
Everyone was huddled around the table, enough to make Jesus at the last supper look roomy. Then again that’s what happens when you only sit one one side of a table. Lister sat at the head. Jim and Bexley to either side while the table went somewhat, Rimmer and Kris, Kryten and Cat, Krytie and Dog, and Arlene and Kris (another parallel and alternate dimension but this time a man. Not confusing whatsoever). Deb sat at the foot.
The food was a mix between Krytie’s home cooking and last minute panic preparing service food. Luckily she’d had the foresight to prepare enough vindaloo for a small country so there were no complaints from a quarter of the table.
“So mum, what crazy new things happened this time around?” Jim practically begged, half leaning over the table. He was always the more excited one. Louder and bolder than Bexley. Not that Bexley was quiet but it’s hard to compete with an atom bomb for a brother.
“Well, hmm let me think,” Lister leaned back, he was teasing. He’d written down anything interesting that happened to keep the memory fresh for this moment. “Ah! I know,” he clapped his hands together and Jim and Bex leaned in. Ears perked.
“We came across this derelict right? And when we were scrapping it we found this machine. Now this thing is shiny, and you know your uncle Cat when something is shiny,” At his name Cat tuned into the conversation from across the table.
“Hey! You better not be telling what I think you’re telling!” He hissed.
“He licks it,” Bex giggled to himself. Listers eyebrows waggled conspicuously.
“Yea, so he licks it. Just as I’m reading what it does and-“ a wicked grin escapes his face before he can reach the reveal. “It’s an internal bowel relaxer,” Lister crows with laughter, a hoarse bite as he keels over unable to control it. Jim and Bex cover their mouth, trying to conceal their amusement. Cat jumps up, face of indignation. The others faces growing bright red at the strain to hold their own laughter in. Everyone’s conversation halts. Staring them down in confusion. The two mechanoids share a look from across the table, shrug and then burst into accompanying raucous laughter.
“Sorry Cat!” Lister placates not one bit guilty about it.
“Way to rub it in monkey brain!” He humpfed, snatching his plate and striding off.
“Cat! I said I was sorry!” The door shut. Arlene and Rimmer were doing identical tuttige, but neither making a move to see if the feline was alright. “Alright!” Lister relented, standing up. “I’ll check on the Cat,”
He gave both Jim and Bex a head scruff goodbye before heading to find the Cat. He could feel the annoyance tingle in his head. It was Mother’s Day. He was supposed to be spending time with his kids but now he was on Goose chase to make up to someone who wasn’t even invited. He sighed, following the smell of cologne and a powerful aura of hairspray down the corridors.
“Cat?” He called out once he’d turned too many corners. Unsure if he was even going the right way anymore. Finally, he stopped. The door to the viewing deck was open. He grinned, jogging through to see a figure.
“Cat!” He called.
“Yuck! So I was smelling you. When did you change your smell?” He gagged, waving his hand in front of his nose to waft the scent.
“What do you mean? I smell exactly the same I did ten minutes ago,” Lister said, giving his pits a quick sniff to be sure. Cat didn’t seem satisfied. Breathing in deeply.
“Then what is that awful smell!? You smell like the inside of a simulant bathroom,” Lister froze, goosebumps breaking out across his body in panic.
“Are you sure you can smell stimulant?” He asked, swallowing hard.
“Uhh! Yeah!”
Lister scrambled to the edge of the viewing deck. Pressing against the railing to look out into the expanse of space. Scanning the haze of stars and galaxies. He looked. Each flicker and movement to see if anything caught his eye. He breathed in. A blink of movement. Coming towards them. His breath choked.
“Hilly!” Lister yelled. Her unamused face appearing on a small screen next to them.
“What Dave?”
“We have simulant death ships approaching. Go to red alert!” He barked, hands shaking unable to take his eye off the movements.
“Ohh, is that what those little dots were. Alright, don’t worry I’m on it now okay?” Lister nodded. The whole room lit up in red. Alarm blaring.
“Oh boy,” Cat howled appearing by Listers side, staring out at the ships. “Maybe they haven’t noticed us!”
“We’re the only thing for miles in this direction,”
“Ooh boy,”