Chapter Text
September 27th (Friday)
Trucy was getting some last minute practice in before we headed to her show. We’d just finished dinner, so I was washing the dishes in the corner of the room, by the kitchen. I heard a crash behind me and looked round to find Trucy lying on the floor in a tangled mess of props. I left my position to help her out, but she’d managed to get herself out by the time I got over there.
“Trucy?”
She looked up at me, silent.
“Is something bugging you? You’re not on your usual form today.”
“D-do you always leave at night?”
“Well, I do night shifts, so…”
“So you’re not there?”
She was clasping her hands, frightened. I began to feel a bit bad about it. But what was I meant to do? It’s not like I could leave her alone during the day, and I needed a job.
“Sorry, Trucy. I’ll do my best to be home from now on.”
“I was really scared something bad had happened to you.”
“Trucy, please. I’m an adult. I can take care of myself.”
“But you’re always so sick!”
“Sick?”
“You know, when you start shaking, or you don’t like eating, or you need to sleep more. You get sick so easily, Daddy!”
I felt my brow furrow. Of course a kid wouldn’t understand my current ‘situation’. Still, I didn’t like that she thought I was ill so frequently.
“I’ll get better soon, Trucy. I promise.”
“Daddy! You can’t just throw around promises! They mean something, you know!”
Somehow, she knew I didn’t believe a word of what I’d just said. Yet again, she was staring as if she could see right into my soul.
“What if things get worse, Daddy? Something really bad could happen to you!”
“Trucy, seriously. Don’t worry about this. I’ll find a way, I promise. I mean it.”
“There we go!” She put her hands on her hips triumphantly. “You sound a lot more certain now.”
“And you seem a lot calmer. Want to try rehearsing again now?”
“Yeah! I can do this!”
Sure enough, Trucy was able to perform the trick flawlessly at her show. She was beaming, and I couldn’t help but smile too. She was always learning more impressive, and therefore more difficult, tricks. It was heartwarming to see her skills improve so steadily. All that practice was paying off.
A thought was circling my head as I made my way to the club later that night. I was letting Trucy down. I had promised her I’d always be there for her, and by doing this, I was breaking that promise. The heavy weight of guilt slowed my feet as they dragged across the pavement. My center of gravity changed when I sat down at the piano, but the weight stayed the same.
I’d been in a lot of difficult situations before. I’d take a chance on some zany idea with a minute chance of working. Sure, it was risky, but I’ve always thought it better to try everything than just resign yourself to fate. But now, for the first time ever, I was truly lost. I couldn’t see a way out. No amount of breaking the problem down or flipping the situation on its head resulted in any thoughts surfacing.
Despite my lack of ideas, my head was far from empty. Dull chatter and monochromatic static clouded my mind. ‘This is it,’ I thought. ‘I’m done for.’ If I could only find a path, a singular way forward, then I’d begin to walk it. But I wasn’t standing at a crossroads. I was lost in the woods in the dead of night, the frosty air biting at my skin. I’d lost sight of the town a while back, and now even the country roads had faded, leaving me with no direction whatsoever.
I heard a noise. Something behind me. I turned around, frightened for whatever creature would be here at this time of night, and then I remembered. I was at the club. The frosty air in the woods was nothing more than ice on the piano grazing my fingers.
A customer called for the first round of the night. The first of many that were to challenge me today. Once I started, this dilemma of mine sat in the back of my mind. It knew I couldn’t focus on it while working. But it loomed, waiting patiently for when it could take center stage of my attention all over again. It was only a matter of time. And so, the clock began to count down. Every tick, a reminder that I couldn’t avoid this forever.