Archive of Our Own ^beta

Mal watched the festivities from above with what could only be described as detachment. They were all dancing below the highest tower she’d found, loud music still audible from the window she was sitting in even through the glass. The sounds and lights felt dull to her. She could barely hear the echoes of laughter even though she knew they were there. All she could see were the painful images her mother had put in her head during the last stand-off they’d had. The last interaction they’d had.

Her mother had always done this. When Mal didn’t comply, she would always stare into her eyes and show her in detail what punishment she would get if she didn’t do as she was told. Mal had never been able to fight back, but she had managed over time to look unbothered when she lost, as if the afterimages of her being shoved in a small, dark closet alone for hours weren’t still present. Today, she did the same thing, laughing and partying with her friends and feeling genuinely happy that everything was fine. No one had been hurt. Her friends were having fun. Ben was smiling. All was well.

The moment they’d turned their backs to get food, feet hurting and heads spinning from dancing, Mal had left. She just needed a moment to collect herself, to breathe, to think, to… Thinking didn’t help all that much. All she could see was her mother, so angry at her, ready to kill her…

She sighed, her breath shuddering at the memory. Part of her still wondered if she’d made the right choice. She felt awful for wondering.

“Nice view you’ve got there.”

Mal turned her head to see Ben standing in the room’s entrance, smile still present on his face. Mal mirrored him, letting out a small laugh while rolling her eyes.

“Didn’t mean to make you go up all these stairs,” she grinned as he got closer and sat next to her. He wasn’t wearing his crown anymore. She was pretty sure that he’d ditched it the moment the party started.

“Eh, I’m used to it,” he shrugged. A flash of light from below bounced off of his face, making his hazel eyes shine. He had such pretty eyes. For a moment she almost forgot her mother’s, green, draconian and so angry. Was that what she looked like as well?

“How’d you find me?”

“I asked the others. Apparently you have a tendency to climb up high places,” he chuckled. It sounded fond.

“Damn, I’m so predictable,” she sighed dramatically. “I’m really off my game these days.”

They both laughed, something small and nice and so calm. A quiet before the storm.

“Mal, can I ask you something?” She nodded, sobering up the same way his voice did. “The love potion… I’m guessing I didn’t get your reasons for it right, did I?”

Mal kept herself calm as she nodded again, knowing that this conversation would happen. She didn’t know what would happen next, but… hopefully Ben would only send her back to the Isle and not her friends.

“Mother sent us here so that we would steal the wand for her and break the barrier,” she said with a steady voice. “For that, we had to get close to it. Your coronation was our best bet, so I made a love potion so you would fall in love with me and let me sit in the front row where I could get it. Obviously, things went a little differently.” The only thing Ben did was take a deep breath. “It wasn’t their fault,” she added quickly. “I came up with the plan, Evie, Jay and Carlos had nothing to do with it. I mean, they did, but they didn’t have a choice, I told them what to do.”

They were happy here, she couldn’t take that away from them.

“It’s okay,” Ben said softly as he put his hand on hers. “From what little I saw of your mother, I can see why you thought you had no choice.”

She let out a shaky breath, relieved that he wasn’t angry, that he wasn’t going to send them back. She didn’t know about her, but at least her friends were safe.

“I’m pretty sure she would have killed us if I hadn’t… you know, forced her to turn into a lizard.”

It was such a small lizard, fitting perfectly in her hand. So small…

“Yeah, I can see that… The broken ceiling in the cathedral definitely made that clear,” he said while squeezing her hand comfortingly. “I know I probably don’t have to make this clear anymore, but I need you to know that, while what you did was understandable, that doesn’t mean you should have spelled me. I don’t mean to sound like I’m talking to a child, but drugging people is wrong.”

“I’m sorry,” she replied while lowering her head. Gods, look at her. When did she ever lower her fucking head? “I know that was wrong, I knew it at the time, I just… it was the only solution I could think of.” She looked up into his eyes, stare unwavering. “I’m sorry I did that to you. Even if it didn’t last as long as I thought it would, I’m still so sorry. I swear I won’t do it again.”

Ben stared back at her, and for a moment it felt as if he could read her soul. Then again, it often felt like his eyes could just see through her, breaking through the walls she’d built to see what was behind. It was terrifying, but also not. It was weird. Everything was weird.

“I’m glad to hear it,” he smiled warmly. She didn’t understand how he could do that, just forgive and forget so easily. If she’d been in his shoes, she would have made her life a living hell. That’s why he was a good guy, she supposed. His smile dimmed as he looked to the side, looking more vulnerable. “And… since my earlier hypothesis for you spelling me was wrong, I just…” His fingers moved to the ring he gave her, the one he put on her finger as he told her that he’d never pretended to like her with such honesty that it just… Who said things like that? In public? Gods, she’d almost cried in that carriage. How pathetic. “I want to know if you actually like me or not, if you actually want us to be together.”

She stared at him as he looked at her with such uncertainty. Did she want to be with him? What kind of question was that? She should be the one asking him after all she’d done, she should be the one begging him to give her a second chance. Not that she would, the fear of him frowning at her and telling her that no, of course not, why would he ever was to high for her to actually try. Was that what he was waiting for? For her to say yes only for him to sneer at her and hurt her like she’d hurt him? It would only be fair.

That didn’t sound like Ben, but it was what she knew, what she’d been raised to predict. She didn’t know if that was of much use here. It was scary, not knowing what to do, what to know.

“You don’t have to say yes,” he added at her silence. “Either way, you won’t get punished. I’m pretty sure you learnt your lesson back there.”

She nodded, her mother’s eyes now back in her mind, the punishments waiting for her, the… She’d made the right choice, right? That’s what everyone had said as they’d smiled and congratulated her, and yet… the only thing she could think of was how terrible of a daughter she was.

Ben’s hand moved to her forearm, his thumb drawing small circles onto her skin. “I’m proud of you,” he said, voice so soft and honest that it hurt. “Whatever happens next, I need you to know that I’m so proud of you. All of you. You four have been through a lot, but what you did today shows that none of you are truly evil.”

Mal took a deep breath and smiled at him, trying to keep it steady, but it didn’t last. There was something climbing up her throat, and no matter how many times she swallowed it back down, it kept fighting her.

“Hey,” he said while holding onto both of her arms. “It’s okay, you’re okay.” She nodded and tried to compose herself. Damn it, she’d never cried before, and yet since yesterday it was as if her eyes only knew how to do that. “Mal, talk to me. You can’t keep it all inside, not forever.” She lowered her head, a gesture so humiliating that anger almost broke through her tears. “Do you want me to go get your friends instead? I don’t want to push you, but talking will help, no matter who it’s with.”

She took a deep breath and looked up, hoping that the tears appearing in her eyes would back off. “Did you see her size?” she asked with a rough voice. Fuck, she needed to get herself together already. “Fairy Godmother said she shrunk to the size of the love in her heart. That’s why she was so… so iddi-bitty,” she quoted with a small laugh before looking down at her hands. “She’s so small… I can’t help but wonder if part of her size is thanks to me, but… but I know it’s not. She doesn’t love me… she never did… All she loved was power and… and then I wonder if… if I’d been better, a better daughter, she wouldn’t have been so small…”

“Mal, it’s not your fault she’s like that.” His hands moved to cup her face and gently lift her eyes to his. “You weren’t a bad daughter, she was a bad mother.”

“But what if you’re wrong?” she said, pulling her face from his hands, from the touch she didn’t deserve. “You don’t know me, I was an asshole on the Isle, I still am! We were just on our best behaviour so that we could succeed in committing a coup against you!”

He didn’t get mad at that, just kept up his gentle expression instead of pushing back like he should. Why wasn’t he angry? Why did he keep being nice? Why had he tried coming up with excuses for her drugging him? Why? Even after all of this, even after she’d told her mother that kindness wasn’t weak, that love was a strength, she still didn’t understand how he wasn’t wavering. Did she have to insult him for it to happen? Did she have to hurt him more? She didn’t want to do that, but his reactions were so alien to her.

It was scary, not knowing what to expect. She’d known what to expect before, back on the Isle, back with her mother, but now… she felt completely lost.

“Good parents don’t try to kill their kids,” he said, gentle but firm, like what he was saying was a fact. Was it that obvious? Was she just stupid for not knowing? “Good parents don’t threaten their kids and send them in a new place just to try and take over the world.” He took her hands and held them tightly. “Good parents want their kids to be happy. Did she make you happy?”

“Well… she was strict, but you know… she had her good moments.”

“And did those good moments outweigh the bad?”

They had to, right? It wasn’t all bad, there had been times where her smiles had been genuine, where she looked like she was proud of Mal, like she was happy to have her as a daughter. But were those times more prominent than the sneers, the punishments, the threats, the shouting, the glaring, the clear indications of failure?

Even now, even though she knew that her mother didn’t love her, that she’d never loved her, she couldn’t help but try to come up with excuses. She just had high expectations, it was Mal’s fault for not reaching them. She had to be in the right, Mother was always right, it was Mal’s fault for not listening and thinking she knew better and being so ungrateful and an idiot and whiny and not worth her time and-

Ben wrapped his arms around her tightly, and it was only then that she noticed the tears rolling down her cheeks. She was crying, like a weakling. Her mother would hate that too. She would also hate the way Mal leaned on Ben, the way her arms awkwardly held him back, the way sobs violently crawled up her throat, the way she tightened her grip on his vest, the was his reassuring words helped even though she just kept crying. Weak. She was so weak. No wonder her mother didn’t love her.

She didn’t know how long they stayed like this, how long she buried her face in his shoulder, ruining his probably very expensive vest covered in embroidery with her tears and snot. He’d looked beautiful earlier today, when she’d seen him in his coronation outfit for the first time. He’d said that she looked gorgeous, that with her by his side, no one would even look at him. She disagreed on that point. Who would be able to take their eyes off of him when he looked like the sun itself had created him?

Eventually, she calmed down. Still, she stayed in his arms, hiding her face which was turning red from the sheer humiliation she felt for breaking down like that. And yet, a part of her felt a little more calm, like a weight had been lifted from her chest ever so slightly. She kept thinking that she had to get out of his arms at some point, but his embrace was so comfortable, so safe.

Still, this had to end eventually, and she had a feeling that Ben wouldn’t do it, so she slowly pushed herself away from him and tried not to mourn his touch. She didn’t deserve it anyway. The only thing he still held of hers was her hand, his thumb placed in the middle of her palm, the pressure reassuring. Again, part of her still wondered why he kept doing this. After everything, it still didn’t fully make sense why he was so kind to her.

“Sorry about that,” she rasped with an awkward chuckle. “Ruined your fancy vest.”

“That’s okay,” he replied softly. “My wardrobe’s been through worse.”

Always so gentle, always so kind, so understanding, so patient. How? How could someone be like that?

She took a deep breath and recomposed herself. “Anyway, to answer your question that you asked before that, I guess… I guess not. I guess she was a bad mother. I guess there really was nothing I could’ve done to make her love me. But then my head says that I didn’t do enough and… I’ll get it… eventually… I’m sorry, that made no sense-”

“No no, it did make sense. Even if you know there was nothing you could’ve done, part of you still thinks the opposite. That’s what happens when you spend years thinking one thing only to realise that it was wrong. It’ll just take time.”

“I wish I could just remember it once and for all and be done with it.”

“You don’t need to rush, Mal,” he smiled softly. “You’ve got time.”

She let out a shuddering sigh. “I guess I do.”

The music still played outside, lights still shining, people still laughing. Both of their silence was comfortable as they watched the outside world, the crossed glass protecting them from anything bad that could happen. Right now, in this moment, it felt as if she was fully safe, as if she could never get hurt. She hadn’t felt that way a lot.

“As for your first question,” she added, breaking the silence and catching Ben’s attention once more, “I guess I do.” His eyes widened, but he said nothing. “You know, as long as you still want to be together, which you don’t have to, I would completely under-”

“I want that too,” he smiled. Gods, he had such a lovely smile. It made her feel warm inside, made her heart flutter. “And this time, I want to know you. Fully.”

He wanted to know her… Fuck, if she didn’t do something soon, she was going to cry again.

Instead, she chuckled and manoeuvred his hand so that she held it instead. Without breaking eye contact, she pressed a kiss on his knuckles and watched as his cheeks flushed adorably.

“Well, first thing you should know about me is that I’m not a prude.”

Before he had the time to process her words, she pounced and struck, taking his face in her hands to kiss his lips. Gods, the number of times she’d imagined doing that, only restrained by the fact that she’d though that he was spelled. But now she could. She could kiss him and hold him and tease him and… Oh, she could do so much. The amount of choice was dizzying.

Ben’s lips were warm against hers, a little chapped and so lovely to feel. One of his hands moved to her shoulder, with the other cupping the side of her face. He leaned forward as his fingers ran through her hair, humming as she did the same with his. When they broke the kiss, he had this giddy smile playing on his lips while looking at her like she was the best thing in the world. Gods, he was so adorable.

“I never said you were a prude,” he said after a few seconds of breathing.

“Uh, you highly implied it,” she grinned, tucking her hair behind her ear innocently while grabbing his waist and pulling him closer. A small yelp came from his throat as his cheeks somehow became redder.

Ben scoffed. “First of all, no I didn’t. Second of all, you held me at arm’s length half of the time we were together, so you can’t fault me for slightly implying that you may not like physical affection! Either way, I would have been happy to be with you.”

She snorted. “Well you’re gonna have to get used getting more physical affection,” she smirked while leaning close to his face. His eyes grew big, making her unable to look away. He was gorgeous.

“You’re gorgeous,” he whispered before placing a small peck on her lips, then her cheek, then her forehead, before quickly wrapping his arms around her and hugging her tightly.

Mal gasped while looking up at him. “You sly little shit, you trapped me!”

He laughed while holding her closer. “Yes, you have fallen for my devious scheme! Truly, the roles have been reversed.”

She laughed as well, hugging him back as best she could, which was probably not that well. She needed more practice for that. Then she calmed down and leaned in more, never wanting to let go. But she had to, eventually. She to go, to leave, to go about her life and think and wonder and fear but… with him, maybe not knowing what to expect wouldn’t be so scary. With her friends, she would get through this. They all would.

Speaking of friends.

“Not that I’m not proud of your first extremely evil act of treachery, but Jay, Evie and Carlos are probably wondering where we are,” she said while getting up and pulling him by his sleeve. “Plus, this party’s for you, oh crowned prince,” she added with a curtsey.

He snorted. “Are you sure you want to go back? We can stay here a little longer if you want.”

“What, you wanna get more physical affection from me?” she said innocently while opening one of the buttons on his vest.

“No, I’m good!” he said while taking a step back and looking red like a tomato.

“And I’m the prude, huh?” she laughed and patted his shoulder. “Although you should really take that vest off, I can see my snot.”

“Gross.”

“You’re gross!”

“Uh, you are!” he retorted while taking his vest off. “Putting snot all over my perfectly fine vest. How dare you.”

“Fine, next time you need to cry, you can put as much snot as you want on my vests.”

“You don’t wear vests.”

“You can put it wherever you want as long as it’s not on my jackets.”

“Trust me, I don’t wanna know what hellish torture you’ve got planned for whoever messes with those.”

“They’re works of art, I put a lot of time into them! Do you think making sure neon paint stays neon is easy?”

“Don’t know anything about paint, so no.”

“Well first off, you gotta but a base layer because otherwise you’ll barely see the colour, then-”

As the walked away and down the stares, as she kept talking and he kept listening, as the music and chatter got louder, as the lights got brighter, Mal felt like things would be okay. As they both joined her friends, happy and excited for the future they would have in Auradon, she felt like she had less to worry about.

Things would still be scary, but she wasn’t alone.