Chapter Text
DEAN'S POV.
It had been nearly 3 months since Sam and Dean had defeated Chuck and saved the world. 3 months since Jack became God and went to heaven, to maintain order in the universe. 3 months since they had lost their best friend, Castiel. Well, 3 months, 4 days, 10 hours, and 24 minutes, not that Dean was keeping track.
After everything that happened, after losing Cass, Dean tried to focus only on hunting. 'Saving people, hunting things, the family business' you know that line. He and Sam both tried to continue on with our lives, despite everyone they had lost.
However, it wasn't nearly as easy for Dean as it seemed to be for Sam. A fellow hunter, Eileen Leahy, A.K.A. Sam's girlfriend, had recently started staying at the bunker, occasionally helping them with cases. Sam and Eileen we're starting to build a real relationship. Dean would sometimes walk in on them making out. He didn't want to feel bitter about it, he wanted to be happy for Sam, that he had finally found someone to share his life with. Someone to love. And yet, seeing Sam have so much just reminded Dean of everything he had lost. Everything he could have had.
Dean was sitting in his room watching videos on his laptop. Not porn. He couldn't stand to watch that too much anymore. Then suddenly, he was greeted by a friendly, and furry face. The face of his shaggy dog, Miracle.
"Hey, boy." He greets Miracle, petting him on his head. Dean shuts his laptop and puts it to the side so Miracle could come over to his lap. "Yeah, you're a good boy, aren't you?" He says as he scratches the dog's ears. Miracle rested his head on Dean's lap, looking up at him with soulful eyes, almost like he could see the real sorrow that was in Dean's heart, despite the bravery he had tried to paint over it.
Dean realized he had cooped himself up in the bunker for too long. After giving Miracle one last scratch on the chin, Dean gets up and starts to put on some clean clothes so he can go out to a bar and maybe meet someone.
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SAM'S POV.
Sam was in the bunkers' kitchen, cooking a lasagna dinner with Eileen. He was wondering, or rather hoping, that Dean would come out soon and eat with them. After Cass's death, Dean had hardly left his room. The only times he ever came out was to go get beer, or go out on a hunt. He hardly ever ate, even his own favorite foods. Sam would occasionally bring stuff to his room if he thought he needed something.
Sam knew about what happened to Cass, or at least part of it. He remembered what Dean had told him and Jack about when they were trapped in the dungeon, and Billie was coming to kill them, and how Cass summoned The Empty and it took both him and Billie away. Sam knew he didn't have the full story, but he didn't press it any further, because he could tell it was too much for Dean to deal with. He figured that if he gave Dean enough space that maybe, just maybe, he would eventually come out and tell Sam what happened.
Sam knew that Dean was in pain. They had lost loved ones before. They had lost Cass before, but this.... this was different. Now they knew that his death was potentially permanent. Being in The Empty forever. Knowing that they probably would never see him again, not even when they went to heaven. It hurt Sam deeply, but Dean.... Dean was beyond broken.
As he stood in front of the oven, watching the lasagna cook, Sam heard footsteps coming from down the hall. He turned around and noticed Dean standing in the doorway, wearing fresh clean clothes and looking like he had recently shaved. Eileen who was sitting at the table noticed Sam turned around and she turned with him to look at Dean as well.
"Hi Dean." She greeted him with a friendly smile.
Dean somewhat smiles back at her as he answers. "Hey Eileen. Sammy."
"Hey." Sam answers, feeling hopeful. "Uh, We just made lasagna. I mean, it's still cooking, but it should be done in about 8 minutes. You want some?"
"Tempting, but I'm heading out. Why don't you save me a piece?" Dean says.
Before Dean can turn away and leave, Sam takes a step forward. "Whoa, Dean, wait a minute. Where are you going?"
"I figured I'd go hit a bar, see if I can get lucky. You guys enjoy your Samleen time." He says with a weak smile.
Aside from the weird combination he had given his and Eileen's names, Sam couldn't help but notice Dean's very nonchalant attitude. It was like he was trying to sound better than he actually was. Sam knew it was a facade, he knew Dean was still trying to cover up his pain. He'd already done plenty of that with alcohol, now he was just trying to add women to the mix.
Before Sam could say anything else, Dean made his way down the hall towards the staircase and out the bunker door.
"Hey." Eileen calls out to Sam, clearly noticing the look of despair in his eyes. "At least he's leaving the bunker for something other than a hunt. That's progress."
Sam wished he could indulge in her optimism, but he couldn't. "I don't know," he says half-heartedly. "Feels more like a 'one step forward-three steps back' kind of deal. I don't know what to do for him anymore, Eileen."
Eileen stands up and comes over to Sam and comfortingly places her hands on his shoulders. "You're already doing everything you can, Sam. You're being the best brother he could ever ask for."
Sam wasn't sure he believed that. "I just wish I could do more, you know? I just wish-- I wish he would talk to me."
"He will, when he's ready."
"It's been 3 months, Eileen." Sam felt so hopeless, so powerless. He wanted to help Dean so badly, and he didn't know how.
Eileen wraps her arms around the back of Sam's neck, pulling him close to her. "Hey. Don't give up, okay? You of all people know how closed off Dean can be. If there's anyone he'll open up to, it's you. And knowing you, I know you'll be there for him when he's ready."
Sam couldn't help but muster up a small smile at how much faith Eileen had in him. Even though he didn't have much confidence in himself, it was comforting to know that she did. He bends down to give her a small peck on the lips. "I love you." He says, still smiling.
She kisses him back and then backs away to say, "Love you, too."
They stare at each other for a good few seconds, love and compassion reflecting in each other's eyes. After a few seconds more, Eileen clears her throat and speaks. "So, has the timer gone off yet. You know I can't tell, right?" She says as she casually points to her own ears.
Sam couldn't help but give a small chuckle at her making a deaf joke about herself. "No, not yet."
"Well, let me know when it does." She says as she makes her way to the doorway, headed for the library. Sam figures to probably do research. "I don't want to come back to find you eating all my lasagna."
A look of playful shock instantly spreads across Sam's face. "Oh, so it's 'your' lasagna? Funny, I thought we were gonna share."
Eileen too gets a playful look on her face. "That's just what I wanted you to think, so that I didn't have to do all the work." She says, all the while grinning as she leaves the room.
Sam couldn't deny the big smile that stretched across his face. He felt so lucky to have a girl like Eileen in his life. Someone to share with, laugh with, fall in love with. He almost forgot how much he missed all that. Sure, he did have his brother for the majority of his life, and that was comforting. But he also missed having someone he could truly be close to. Intimate with, not just physically, but emotionally. Spiritually. Ever since he lost Jessica all those years ago, Sam wasn't sure he would ever find a love like that again. But he did. And the one thing he hoped for the most was that maybe Dean would find someone like that, too. Sam knew that Dean deserved that. He deserved his happy ending.
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DEAN'S POV.
Dean drove to a bar just outside of Lebanon. Just in case his overbearing little brother came looking for him, he didn't want Sam to find him so easily. He knew that Sam was worried about him. But it started to get annoying after a little while. Dean was a big boy, he could handle himself. It's not like he's never dealt with grief before. Or loss. Or..... heartbreak.
Dean shook his head, trying to shake off all the stuff he didn't want to think about. He didn't want to think about what he had lost. He just wanted to get drunk, meet a hot chick, and have a fun night. He eventually finds the bar he was headed to. He had been there a few times before. As he once described it to Jack, it was low on class, but high on hook-up potential. He parks the Impala just outside the front doors. Gets out and walks in, headed straight for the counter.
Dean sits at the bar before a good 10 minutes, drinking his favorite whiskey. He looks around, contemplating the potential hookups in the room. There were some good looking women there. Beautiful, young, and a variety of hair colors. Blondes, brunettes, redheads. But none of them really stood out to him.
Then suddenly, he felt a gentle tapping on his shoulder. He turns around to see a woman, possibly early to mid 30s, standing before him. She had dark, almost black wavy hair, and stunning bright blue eyes. She also wore a tan colored pants suit and an indigo blue button-up shirt. There was something about this girl that reminded Dean of someone he knew, but he couldn't quite place it.
"Hello." She greets him with an awkward smile. "I hope I'm not intruding."
"No, no, uh,.... that's okay." Dean answers, feeling a little awkward himself.
The woman turns and points to a table where three other young-ish women were sitting. "You see my friends over there?" She asked. "Well, they noticed me staring at you. I told them that I thought you were kinda cute, so they dared me to come over here and talk to you."
Dean felt fairly flattered by that. And yet there was something about this girl that unsettled him. He didn't see her as a threat, there was just something about the way she looked that unsettled him, reminded him of someone else, but why couldn't he place it? He tried to shove it aside and raised his hand up to politely shake her hand.
"Well, it's nice to meet you." He smiles at her. "I'm Dean."
She reaches her hand up to shake his. "Cassandra." She smiles back as she introduces herself. "But all my friends call me 'Cass'."
That right there caused Dean to freeze in place. In that instant, he felt like his heart shattered into a million pieces. Dean finally realized why she looked so familiar, she was basically the girl version of Castiel! His Cass!
This lady was beautiful, kind, and probably very do-able, and yet, the idea of letting anything happen with her made Dean's stomach turn inside out. He couldn't stop his mind from going back to that day in the dungeon, hearing Cass's words play over and over again in his head like a broken record.
'I love you.'
'I love you.'
'I love you.'
Dean's head swam with different emotions. Anger, frustration, guilt, grief, sadness, all the things he had desperately tried to push away from his mind for so long after losing Cass. And finally, he heard his own voice echo in his head, saying something he didn't think he could say.
'I.....I love you, too.'
He suddenly felt Cassandra's hand on his shoulder. "Hey, are you okay?" She asked, looking genuinely concerned. Dean realized he probably had sat in place for a good 30 seconds if not longer.
Dean's stomach twisted as he stood up and stepped back away from the bar. "Look, um, Ca-- Cassandra." He starts, purposely avoiding using her nickname, because it was just too painful. "I'm sure you're a really nice girl, and I'm flattered that you like me, but... I just can't..... I recently lost someone. Someone very important to me. Someone that I didn't realize how much I cared for..... 'til I lost him." Dean's voice chokes and his eyes begin to water as he desperately tries to explain. "I just can't-- I'm sorry." Dean makes his way towards the front doors of the bar, getting out of there as fast as he could.
Before he exits, Dean looks back at her to notice that her concern on her face didn't wane, and her head slightly tilted in confusion. Another painful and not-so-subtle reminder of the one he had lost. Dean gets out of there, seemingly not fast enough.
Dean climbs into the driver's side of the Impala, getting ready to head for home. As he turns on the engine, the radio that was already switched on starts playing a Rascal Flatts song.
'What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away'
Dean could be no longer deny the tears that longed to flow down his face. As the song played, he felt his heart break even further.
'And never knowin'
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do'
Filled with utter frustration, Dean angrily shuts off the radio, not bearing to hear another lyric. He fiercely wipes the tears off his face as best he can, but more tears just flow out non-stop. Dean puts the car into gear, and nearly burns rubber as he pulls out of the parking lot and heads back to the bunker.