Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

James wasn’t sure how he got away from the island. The island on which he should have died. On which he’d been willing to die. To save the only two people he loved. To save them from the danger he’d become. 

It hadn’t been Madeleine’s voice which had saved him. After he’d woken up in a hospital back in London, his thoughts were foggy and confused. He remembered bits and pieces of the events. How he’d gotten Madeleine and Mathilde away from the island with Nomi’s help. How he’d been poisoned. How he’d come to the conclusion that it was best for everyone if he just stayed there and died. He couldn’t live with the poison in his body. Not being able to touch Madeleine and their daughter would kill him anyway. Just that it wouldn’t be a quick death.

The memories of the words that had made him leave the island in the end came back days later, when James slowly but surely was recovering from his several injuries. 

“You can’t just stay there and die! I won’t let you!” An angry voice had screamed in his ear, replacing Madeleine’s soft words. “You have to get off that island, James. Right NOW!” James. Not 007. Not Bond. He was certain that Q had never called him by his first name before. 

“There’s no use in that, Q. It’s over.” He’d said the words with a finality that would surely have convinced anyone else. 

But not their Quartermaster. “You selfish bastard! It’s not over! You can’t leave us alone. I won’t let you leave me! Not now. Maybe not ever. Now move your ass and get away from there!” 

He wasn’t sure what made him leave in the end. Maybe it was Q’s insistent voice. He was used to listening to him, after all. 

Or maybe it was Q’s little slip. I won’t let you leave me, he’d said.

It would take James a long time to come to the realization about what made him fight for his life in the end. 

After the events on Safin’s island, Q was on edge. It wasn’t so much the international crisis the incident had caused. M dealt with the politicians and as soon as they showed their proofs that there had indeed been danger on a global basis, all the fuss died down rather quickly. It also wasn’t the fact that he’d been flying to said island when, in fact, he was scared of that. He could deal with some nausea. 

No, what bothered Q most was the secret agent recovering in the medical bay of the MI6 headquarter. The Double-Oh who’d been gravely wounded while trying to get back his family. Who’d been poisoned and could never get close to his loved ones again. The man who had been willing to stay behind and die rather than continue his life. 

But James Bond hadn’t died. 

In the end, he’d left the island. Because of Q. Despite having connected Bond to Madeleine, Q hadn’t stopped listening to their conversation. He knew that it was wrong and he should give them privacy, but ever since the Double-Oh stepped on that island, he’d felt uneasy. As if something bad was going to happen. He’d been right about that and the moment James told him that he’d been poisoned, cold fear gripped Q’s heart. 

He could only listen to them saying goodbye for so long. Before he really knew what he was doing, he’d taken over the communication again and started screaming at Bond. Q wasn’t even sure what he’d said, he just knew that he had to get that stubborn man away from that island. James Bond wouldn’t die. Not on Q’s watch. 

No one was more surprised than him when Bond obeyed and began to drag himself to a waiting boat. It had been a close call, but 007 made it. He’d escaped from the explosions just in time. However, he’d lost consciousness in the process and it took several paramedics to make sure that he wouldn’t die on their way back to England. 

Organizing the transport and making sure that no one who’d touched Bond so far would get close to Madeleine and Mathilde was a challenge Q welcomed. Because it meant that he didn’t have to think of why exactly he’d saved James Bond’s life for now. 

Far too soon, though, everything was done. The politicians and the media had their explanations. Madeleine and Mathilde were on their way to a safe place somewhere far away from London. It wasn’t easy for Madeleine to leave once she knew that James had survived, but the poison in his system convinced her in the end. She would have stayed with him, but there was no way she was going to risk their daughter’s life. It could happen far too easily that she got close to Bond otherwise. 

The only thing left to do was to wait for 007 to wake up. He didn’t have a place to stay in London anymore and Q had offered to take him in at his house. There was an empty guest room, after all. He wasn’t sure how James would react to that suggestion, but the doctors were very clear when they said that he couldn’t stay on his own for now, even if they found him a new flat. It would take time until he was fully recovered from his injuries and surely, the aftermath of the poisoning would weigh heavily on him. When the doctor had said that he should best stay with a friend, Q, Eve and M had exchanged a look. “He can stay with me.” Q said evenly, hoping that he wasn’t making a big mistake. 

Now, a few days later, he was sitting on a hard plastic chair in medical, waiting for James Bond to wake up. The doctors said that it would be the case soon and Q didn’t want him to be alone for that. They all expected that Bond would lose it in some way and secretly, Q agreed with that. 

He’d been thinking of everything for days now and all his thoughts circled around one question. What would James do now that he’d lost everything? 

Not everything, Q told himself. He still has you. And Moneypenny. Even M and Tanner. He’s not alone. But would that be enough? 

He could never touch his daughter and the woman he loved again. He couldn’t even be near them since it endangered their lives. Everyone James just touched was a danger to Madeleine and Mathilde as well, since that’s how it was passed on from one person to another. 

Q understood how hard such a thing must be. If he even imagined never being able to touch –

“Q?” A quiet voice ripped him out of his thoughts and brought him back to reality. Hard plastic chair. White walls. White floors. White bedsheets. And a man in the bed next to him, looking tired and confused. James’ blue eyes were still a little glassy, most probably from all the pain meds and being asleep for so long. There was the shadow of a beard on his face and his hair looked disheveled. He was also clenching and unclenching his fists slowly, as if he was nervous. 

“You’re in London, at MI6.” Q said quietly and wondered why the familiar 007 wouldn’t fall from his lips. “What’s the last thing you remember?” 

“Where are Madeleine and Mathilde?” James’ confusion vanished rapidly and was replaced by a stern determination. “The island –“ 

“They are fine.” Q interrupted him mildly, knowing that it would do no good for Bond to get agitated now. The doctors had ordered to keep him as calm as possible. “And quite unharmed. You, on the other hand, weren’t as lucky.” 

He saw the moment James realized that his family wasn’t close by. Why Q was sitting at his bedside instead, waiting for him to wake up. There was horror on his face, quickly followed by sadness and despair. “They’re not in the city, are they?” 

Q sighed. There was no use in hiding anything. Not from James Bond. “No. We thought it would be safest for them to leave once it was clear that you were going to wake up again.” 

“Because I’m a risk to them.” James muttered, face paler than moments before. “Who did already touch me, Q?” 

“You don’t need to worry about that. The situation is under control. There were different doctors treating you and your family. The people who helped them to leave didn’t have any contact to you.” Since Q had decided to stay with James, he’d only seen Madeleine and Mathilde once after his return to London. It had been the moment they got in the car and Tanner drove them off to the airport. Madeleine had looked at Q before the door closed. “Promise me to take care of him.” She’d said it as if she knew that he would offer James a place to stay. As if she knew that, deep down, the secret agent meant something to him. 

It was something Q hadn’t even admitted to himself. But somehow, Madeleine Swann had sensed it. 

James cleared his throat and Q handed him a glass of water. The other man took it without hesitation and drank. Q noticed that James made sure not to touch his skin, but decided not to comment on that for now. “Where are they?” 

“On their way to get their belongings.” Q explained. “What happens after that hasn’t been decided yet. We have offered Ms. Swann several possibilities for them to stay in the future. She can choose whatever she thinks fits best for her and Mathilde.” 

James swallowed. “Will you tell me where they are, once a decision has been made?” 

There had been a discussion about this before. If it was wise to tell Bond where his family was. The risk that he would leave to see them was high. Madeleine would be smart enough not to get close to him, but Mathilde… “I’m sure we’ll figure everything out once the time comes. But now you should focus on your recovery, James.” 

James’ eyes narrowed slightly at Q’s words, but he didn’t get a chance to comment on the vague statement. In this moment, the door to the room opened and a doctor came in, followed by a nurse. “Ah, 007, I see that you’re finally awake. How are you feeling?” 

“As if I’d been stabbed.” James muttered. “And poisoned.” 

The smile on the doctor’s face – his name was Jeremy – remained, but Q noticed that he hesitated for half a second. He was sure that James saw it as well. “Well, let’s have a look at your injuries, shall we? If everything looks good, you can leave in two or three days. But then you’ll still need lots of rest. Luckily, we found a place for you to stay where that’s possible.” 

James turned to Q at this. “Where will I be staying? Our Quartermaster hasn’t mentioned that so far.” 

Inwardly, Q sighed. Maybe he should have let James stay with M. Or Tanner. It would have been easier than this. “With me. You might remember my guest room?” 

He knew that at some point, the anger would kick in. Frustration. Maybe even desperation. But for now, James Bond looked relatively calm, considering the whole situation. “At least the bed is comfortable there.” 

Jeremy cleared his throat, interrupting the uncomfortable situation. Q shot him a grateful look and excused himself, saying that he still had some work to do and would visit James again later. 

To everyone’s surprise, James Bond took in the news that his family had left and he’d be staying with Q for the near future with surprising calmness. Q thought that it was on the edge to indifference, but he decided not to think of that too much. In fact, he tried not to think of the secret agent too much in general. The events on that island had ruined Bond’s life. And Q had played a role in that. He often lay awake at night and wondered if James hated him for saving his life. 

Instead of letting those thoughts consume him, Q focused on work. And there was lots of work to do. With James back as 007, they needed to find a new place for Nomi at MI6. Then it still needed to be checked whether Safin’s doings had any other negative influence. For example, they needed to know if any of his poison had already found its way into the world. A nearly impossible task, considering that all the data stored on the island had been destroyed as well. But Q loved a good challenge, so he worked on that as much as possible in his free time. 

However, his responsibilities didn’t end there. The other Double-Oh’s were also busy on missions. They needed equipment or brought it back. After his absence, as short as it might have been, Q wanted to make sure that they didn’t feel neglected in any way and took his time to check on all of them personally. 

He even guided 004 on a mission, though that was more of a burden than anything else. A few years back, he might have laughed if someone had told him that there was a Double-Oh who was even more complicated and stubborn than James Bond. Now, however, it was Q’s reality and every time he had to deal with 004 – his real name was Ian – he had to count to ten inwardly before speaking, just so he wouldn’t say something he’d regret later. 

On first glance, 004 looked completely nice. Tall, muscular, with blond hair and brown eyes. He wore his suits like a second skin and if he wanted, he could be very charming. Both women and men fell for his charm easily, which didn’t do the already far too confident man any good. Many people even compared him to James Bond, but Q thought that those two men couldn’t be any more different from each other. 

While Bond was confident and could also be stubborn at times, he still treated everyone with respect. He didn’t like to follow rules, but when it came to people, he still behaved. Nearly like a gentleman, though Q was sure that it wasn’t a fitting way to describe 007. 004, on the other hand, was only nice to the people he liked or from whom he wanted something. Which included Q. Though he wasn’t sure yet if the Double-Oh simply wanted to get the best equipment for missions from him or if there was a deeper motivation. 

As Moneypenny would say, 004 wanted to get in Q’s pants. He only scoffed at that and refused to believe it. After all, he was Quartermaster at MI6 and needed to remain professional with the agents. 

Only that he was about to cross that line with James Bond, since Q was letting him live with him. But that was something else entirely. Because, as unbelievable as it may seem, Q always had a soft spot for the older man. He let James Bond get through with things for which he would have reported other agents immediately. He didn’t even scold him too much for not bringing back his equipment. Or sinking a certain car in a river in Italy. 

All of that could have counted as work only, though. If there wasn’t the fact that Q had screamed at James Bond to get away from that island and save his life. But not because they would have lost an agent otherwise. Or because James needed to be there for his family. No, Q had screamed at him for personal reasons only. There had been times before when they’d thought that James Bond had vanished or died. It had always weighed heavily on Q, though it was difficult to understand why. But as he listened to Bond admitting that he was poisoned and wouldn’t get away from that island, the feeling had become unbearable. 

One realization had hit Q then. He couldn’t live in a world without James Bond in it. 

He only realized that his thoughts had drifted back to the older man when he heard footsteps interrupting the constant clattering of keyboards at Q Branch. He checked 004’s status on his screen. The man was somewhere in Brazil, on his way to the next bigger city. Deciding that he would be fine without someone watching, Q turned his attention to the newcomer instead. 

Eve smiled when their eyes met. For anyone else, it would have looked completely at ease. But since Q knew his best friend so well, he noticed the stiffness in her shoulders and the way her smile looked a little too forced. “I brought you something to eat.” She said and placed a bag from his favourite bakery in front of him. “Figured that you’d forget to eat with everything that’s going on at the moment.” Moneypenny didn’t try to hide her concern this time.

Q smiled back at her. For the first time in weeks, it was an honest one. “Thank you. I don’t know what I would do without you, Eve.” 

“So how is it going?” She nodded at his laptop in general. 

He understood what she meant. “Does M want an update on everything that’s going on?” 

“This time, I’m asking as a friend, Q.” Eve explained simply. “I heard that Bond will be released this afternoon.” 

“Yes, once I’m done here, we’ll leave together.” Q cleared his throat, all his worries suddenly crashing down on him again. He decided that it was time to change the subject. “004 is an idiot, by the way. He complained for nearly an hour that I couldn’t get him a faster way of transportation in the jungle of Brazil than an old truck.” 

Eve didn’t smile at that. “Did you talk to him about it? That he’s going to live with you?” 

This time, he didn’t hold back his sigh. “I was there when the doctor informed him about all his injuries. He didn’t look impressed when Jeremy told him to take it easy for a while. Then I set a few boundaries for us living together, like not vanishing in the middle of the night, no drinking in my house, all of that. He just took it in like it all didn’t matter. But he asked about Madeleine and Mathilde again. We can’t hide their whereabouts from him forever. I’m sure as soon as he’s fully recovered, he’ll leave to see them again.” 

“He knows better than to run off to them.” Eve threw in softly. “And I’m sure he’ll get better, Q. It all happened so fast, it must be a lot to take in.” Even if he’d never talked to her about Bond, his best friend somehow knew that he was important to Q. Sometimes, he wondered if women could simply sense those things, considering that he hadn’t been aware of all his complicated feelings towards the Double-Oh himself until recently. 

“Well, let’s just hope that things won’t end in disaster. After all, we know what Bond’s like. Especially when he’s sad.” It wasn’t a secret how the man coped with loss. He’d heard stories about it after the death of Vesper Lynd. Then he’d seen it himself after the events with M. 

Eve’s lips twitched. “I’m sure you can deal with him. And if not, you just need to call. I’ll be there when you need me.” 

“You’re the best, Eve.” 

She smiled. “You could say that more often. And now stop looking like that and rather tell me all about 004’s latest mishaps.” He really loved this woman with all his heart. 

The car ride to Q’s house wasn’t as awkward as he’d feared. Most probably, that was due to Tanner’s presence in the car. Since Q normally took the Tube to work, the other man had offered to drive him and James back to his house. It wasn’t as if Q couldn’t drive a car. He loved working on those and occasionally, he also liked to drive for some time when the streets were empty. But he’d accepted Tanner’s offer without hesitation because it meant that it would spare him the surely uncomfortable car ride with just the two of them. 

Things with James were about to get uncomfortable, Q was sure of that. Ever since he stopped by in medical to meet him after work that afternoon, the secret agent had been silent. Not his usual silence during which he kept watching everything closely. No, this was a silence that spoke of indifference and sadness. It was a look that didn’t suit James Bond very well. Unfortunately, Q feared that he would see much more of that look in the future. 

After Tanner said goodbye and Q carried James’ bag inside, the silence began to make Q uneasy. “So here we are.” He said as he made his way over to the kitchen. “It’s not like you haven’t been here before, so I’m sure you still know where everything is.” After all, James’ short stay at his place hadn’t been long ago. Only weeks, though it felt as if the whole world had changed in such a short time. “The guest room upstairs is ready for you, if you already want to retire. I’ll just get something to eat and then I need to get some more work done.” Most probably, 004 wasn’t happy about Q’s long absence. One of his employees was keeping an eye on the situation in Brazil and would alert Q if he needed to take immediate action. So far, however, it remained silent and he wasn’t too sad about it. 

James kept watching Q with an unreadable expression on his face. “You look tired.” It was such a simple statement, but it made Q stare at the other man in surprise. 

He ran a hand through his hair. “Well, I… Yes, these past few days have kept me busy. But it’s nothing I’m not used to.” 

For a moment, it looked as if James was going to reply. Maybe he would scold him for being so careless with his health. It was something the Double-Oh had said before, back when he was still working at MI6. It had been an absent-minded statement James uttered while he was inspecting his new equipment. Q hadn’t even been sure if the secret agent was aware of saying the words. However, Q hadn’t forgotten about it. 

This time, though, James remained silent and simply shrugged. “Good night, Q.” And without another word, he grabbed his bag and vanished up the stairs. 

Q stared after him for a long time. Then he decided that he didn’t need something to eat and reached for his laptop instead. 

Despite being ordered by the doctors to stay home and keep an eye on James while he was working, Q managed it only for two days. Two days during which he either didn’t see James or the Double-Oh was glaring at Q as if the mere thought of having someone watching over him was unbearable. That the older man refused to get close to him and seemed to avoid touch at all costs didn’t make it easier. Q’s house wasn’t small by any means, but it wasn’t that big either. Especially the kitchen, which was also the place where they met most of the time. 

So after two days spent mostly in silence if Q wasn’t just talking to someone over the phone, he found himself back at Q Branch. Luckily, it didn’t earn him too many surprised glances. Only R raised her eyebrows, but she didn’t comment on him being back sooner than expected. 

Unfortunately, the quiet only lasted until midday. Then Moneypenny walked into Q Branch, a frown on her face. “I assume staying with him didn’t end well?” She asked after unceremoniously dragging Q outside for lunch. 

“You have no idea.” Q muttered, taking off his glasses to rub his eyes. “It’s like being in the same house as a ghost. Or a phantom. He rarely shows up and if he does, he doesn’t speak. Or he’s snapping at me not to get too close. He doesn’t eat and I’m not even sure if he sleeps.” 

Eve looked concerned. “Maybe the doctors –“ 

“We won’t get him back to medical.” Q interrupted her. “If we try that, he’ll completely lose it.” It wasn’t an assumption. After studying Bond for the past days, he just knew it would be like that. 

“So what are we going to do then?” She said we as if letting Q deal with the desperate secret agent all on his own wasn’t an option. 

Q shrugged. He hated when there was a problem he couldn’t solve. “I tried to talk to him, but he just shuts down. Maybe waiting would be the best course of action. I don’t think anyone could force James Bond to talk if he doesn’t want to.” 

“There’s one person who could.” Eve sounded hesitant. 

“M gave orders that he shouldn’t talk to her. The risk that she lets their location slip is too high. And Bond –“ 

Eve placed a hand on his arm. “I only want him to stop terrorizing you, Q.” 

He let out a dry laugh. “He’s not doing anything, Eve. That’s the problem. I could deal with some shouting and maybe him smashing a few things. Those are human reactions. Something which would be normal in such a situation. But it’s like he just… stopped when he left that island.” He sighed deeply. “I made him leave. Maybe this is all my fault.” 

“Alright, stop it. You didn’t make him do anything, Q. You might have made him realize that he shouldn’t throw away his life like that, but in the end, Bond saved himself. He made the decision to leave. If he can’t deal with it now, it’s his own fault.” 

Q couldn’t help it. He flinched at the last words. “I’ll consider talking to M.” He said hastily to avoid any more questions. “Where are we going, by the way? To that nice Indian restaurant around the corner? Or do you prefer Italian?” 

The way Eve’s eyes narrowed told him that this discussion wasn’t over yet, but she just nodded slowly. “Indian sounds fine.” 

The week dragged on and before Q truly realized it, the weekend was there. Which meant that he found himself working from home again, despite insisting that he could also stay the weekend at MI6 and deal with emergencies. However, R had only narrowed her eyes at him. “You need sleep, Q. Go home and get some rest, otherwise you’ll do more harm than anything else. If you want to do some work, you can guide 004 on his mission, he’s been asking for you for days now.” 

So Q found himself sitting in front of his laptop on Saturday afternoon and glared at the screen, even though the Double-Oh couldn’t see it. “No, 004, you can’t go that way! It’s a dead end. The car is waiting for you two blocks to the south. If you run fast enough, you should reach it without problems.” 

“I know the way, Q!” The other man hissed. “I’ve been in Mexico City more than once. It’s not a dead end.” 

“That was before they decided to build this big –“ He didn’t get farther than that. There was the sound of a car honking and he heard 004 curse. Then there was another noise that sounded suspiciously like gunshots. “004, how is the situation?” 

“I’m being shot at. But otherwise fine, Q, thanks for asking.” 

“I told you not to take that way!” He argued and began to look at the traffic cameras. “Don’t run into that dead end! Turn right now. Do you see the sign with the flowers? There’s a small alleyway. To the left. And you should run a little faster, they’re closing up fast. One of them has a bicycle and before you ask, no, I don’t know where that came from. Just two more turns before you reach the car. I’m already in the system for the traffic lights, so it’ll be easy to lose them once you’re on your way.” 

He heard 004 gasp. “Easier said than done, Q.” 

“Oh come on, you’ll make it!” He muttered and watched how the secret agent kept running through the streets. Once he was inside the car, Q began to work on the traffic lights. 

He only allowed himself to relax twenty minutes later, when 004 had reached a safe house. “Stay there until it gets dark before you leave. You’ve already attracted enough attention for one day.” 

When 004 chuckled, Q had to hold back an annoyed groan. Sometimes, he wondered if all the Double-Oh’s had lost their minds. They just didn’t react to danger like normal people. “There isn’t such a thing as enough attention, Q.” 

Q sighed. “If there’s an emergency, you can connect with R. I’ll see you back in London, 004.” Without waiting for a reply, he closed his laptop and leaned back, completely exhausted. Maybe R had been right about the sleep, after all. 

“You should have let him run into that dead end.” A voice suddenly said, making Q flinch in surprise. He whirled around, only to find James leaning against the wall, hands buried in the pockets of his trousers. “It would do him good.” 

“Christ, James, you can’t sneak up on me like that!” Q complained, ignoring James’ comment. 

James held up his hands. “I’ve been here for some time now, you just didn’t notice it.” He frowned at Q then, as if he noticed the state he was in for the first time. “You look horrible, Q.” 

He let out a short laugh and ran a hand through his messy hair. “Well, working with you Double-Oh’s does that to me.” 

“Did you even sleep in the past days?” 

Q held back a groan. “Since you don’t look much better, we’ll not have this discussion.” He stood up then and made his way over to the kitchen counter. Maybe there was something eatable to find.

To his surprise, the cupboards were full. As was the fridge. He looked over his shoulder at James then. “You went grocery shopping?” 

James nodded. “We were running out of food.” 

“You… you went to the store?” Q repeated, not able to picture it. James Bond, buying food. 

“Is there something wrong with that?” James asked back, frowning. 

Q shook his head. “No. Absolutely not. You just took me by surprise.” Again, he thought but didn’t say it out loud. 

“There should be some lasagna left, you can heat that up.” 

This time, he didn’t even pretend not to stare at the older man. “You cooked? I mean, you can cook?” 

James shrugged. “It’s one way to pass the time. Help yourself.” 

And without another word, he turned around and headed back towards the stairs. It took Q a moment to get over his surprise and find his voice again. “What about you?” 

“I’m not hungry.” Then James was gone and all Q could do was to look in the refrigerator. He was right, there was lasagna. More than enough for one person. 

Not knowing what else to do, Q turned on the microwave and kept thinking about this encounter. It was the most James had talked to him in days. He didn’t want to be optimistic and take it as a sign that the Double-Oh was slowly recovering. Maybe it was just this one time. Most probably, he’d just been curious about 004’s mission. It wasn’t a secret that the two men hated each other. 

Deciding that it must be that, he tried not to think of it any longer. Instead, he focused on the food, realizing that James Bond could indeed cook very well. 

On Sunday afternoon, Q was sitting on the couch, a book in hand. He’d slept like the dead for more than ten hours and when he finally woke up, he’d felt better than in weeks. Knowing that 004 was safely on his way back to the UK and without anything else to do, Q decided to spend a lazy day at home. It had been ages since he’d done that. 

He didn’t see James until he wandered into the living room late that afternoon. Q wasn’t even sure if the Double-Oh had breakfast. He didn’t see him ever since waking up. 

When James noticed Q sitting on the couch, he hesitated for a brief moment, but continued his way towards the kitchen to make a cup of tea. “Do you also want something?” James asked to Q’s surprise.

“Tea would be nice, thank you.” Q answered hesitantly and put the book down on his lap to watch the other man. James was wearing jeans and a simple dark blue pullover. It was still strange to see him without a suit, but slowly, Q got used to that look. It made James look more relaxed. Not as unapproachable as usual. 

Which was a lie, he had to remind himself. The other man still refused to get close to Q. But somehow, Q had the feeling that James wasn’t ready for that discussion yet. After all, they were living together for less than a week now. He needed to give James more time to be able to deal with everything. His several injuries were healing slowly, but that was only physical. A body could heal with time, but no one could say how the Double-Oh would take in everything else that had happened. If he could deal with losing the ones he loved again. 

“What are you reading?” James’ voice ripped him out of his thoughts and he shrugged. 

“Nothing special. Just some fantasy tale I like to read once in a while.” 

James came over with two cups of tea and placed them on the table in front of the couch. Then he eyed the book on Q’s lap. It wasn’t in the best state, there were some creases in the pages and the cover had faded in colour over time. “I wouldn’t call Tolkien’s stories just some fantasy tale.” 

“I didn’t know that you read much in your free time.” He said and raised his eyebrows at the older man. To his surprise, James also sat down on the couch. As far away from Q as possible, but it was better than him leaving the room again. Or deciding to sit at the kitchen table. 

“There hasn’t been much free time in years.” James nodded. “But recently, I could do it a little more often.” 

Q knew what was coming now. James was going to say that it would change again since he’d decided to come back to MI6. He interrupted him quickly before the conversation could turn in that direction. The past weeks had been exhausting in too many ways, he wanted to enjoy this peaceful day some more. Which also meant that he didn’t want to have a fight with James Bond. Or to see the other man running away from him again. “So what do you like to read?” 

James’ lips twitched. “Would you be terribly disappointed if I said that I don’t like books about spies?” 

He tried to look shocked. “But there are so many good ones out there! Just think of Tinker Taylor Soldier Spy or –“

“Alright, you can stop right there. That book isn’t even good. There are far too many unrealistic situations.” 

“Which means that you read it!” Q exclaimed with a grin. “Didn’t you say that you don’t like such books?” 

James scoffed. “Just because I said that I didn’t like them, it doesn’t mean that I didn’t try to read such things. Of course just to understand what all the fuss is about.”

The discussion kept going then and for some time, Q simply enjoyed talking to the other man. From the way James relaxed over time and even smiled twice, Q thought that he felt the same. They kept talking for hours and when it got late, James decided to cook them dinner. Q watched him doing it and was fascinated by the ease with which the older man moved through the kitchen. 

Maybe, he thought, there was hope that James would get better with time. 

However, it would still be a long way until then. 

During the next days, Q was busy at work again. 004 had returned safely and decided that it would be a good idea to complain for half an hour about how the job in Brazil had been a total disaster. In the end, it was 008 who saved Q from talking to him much longer, since the other secret agent also wanted to bring back his equipment. Which was also complete and in one piece, a rare occasion these days. 

To his complete surprise, 008 frowned at him after they were done. “How is Bond? I heard that he survived that mess on the island.” 

Q kept his face neutral. “He is recovering and will hopefully be back in the field soon.” 

008 nodded, apparently content with that answer. “Say hi to him from me, will you?” And without another word, the Double-Oh left. Q sighed inwardly. He’d thought that it was a secret that James was staying with him for now, but it seemed like he’d been wrong about that. Somehow, the Double-Oh’s always knew everything.

After lunch, he had a meeting with M and this time, it didn’t surprise him at all that he also asked about James’ well-being. Q kept his explanation as short and neutral as possible. “I think he’ll ask about them again soon.” He said in the end, this time not able to hold back a sigh. “We can’t keep their location from him forever.” 

“It’s for their own safety.” M replied simply. “Ms. Swann even requested it. If someone tells him, it has to be her. Only she can make that decision for them.” 

“Did they decide on a place to stay yet?” Q wanted to know, curious about it all himself. 

M nodded. “A small village in the south of France. Apparently, she’s been there before and liked the place.” 

Q wasn’t sure if it was good or bad that the place wasn’t too far away from London. From the look on M’s face, he knew that the other man wasn’t sure about it as well. 

Of course the quiet from Sunday afternoon didn’t last. Over the next days, Q rarely saw James and if he did, they didn’t exchange many words. Mostly because Q was tired, but on Friday, he realized that it was also because James got lost in his own mind again. 

The doctors wanted to see him once more to have a look at his injuries. Q told him to come to Q Branch afterwards so they could drive home together. Which they did, only that James didn’t speak much more than ten words the entire time. 

When the door fell shut behind them, Q couldn’t stand it any longer. He turned to James and hoped that he didn’t look too concerned. “Are you alright? You’ve been so quiet, James.” 

“I’m fine.” James replied shortly, one foot already on the stairs. “Just tired. I’ll go to sleep. There should be soup in the kitchen, if you’re hungry.” 

Without thinking about it, Q reached out to place a hand on James’ shoulder. He was still wearing his suit, so there were lots of layers between Q’s hand and James’ skin. However, the other man nearly jumped back from him, making Q freeze. “Don’t touch me!” James hissed, his face pale. 

“James…” Q began, but the older man shook his head. 

“Don’t do this, Q. I don’t want you to.” Without waiting for a reply, he stormed upstairs, leaving Q behind in the hallway, feeling lost. 

Late that night, Q was still sitting in the kitchen in front of his laptop, trying to work. He knew that he wouldn’t find rest after the encounter with James, so he didn’t even try. 

He didn’t look away from the screen when he heard footsteps on the stairs. “You don’t need to worry about skin-to-skin contact with me.” Q said into the silence. “It already happened, back when you were brought to the hospital. I know what it means and there’s no way that I would risk their lives.” 

His words were followed by more silence. Then, very slowly, the footsteps receded back up the stairs. 

Knowing that he wasn’t up for another weekend in the house alone with James Bond, Q asked Eve to have breakfast with him on Saturday. She was delighted by his question and breakfast was followed by shopping together. Meaning that Moneypenny tried on lots of dresses and Q offered his opinion. They’d done this before and surprisingly, it was fun. 

“How’s this one?” She asked and drew the curtain to reveal herself in a long, red dress. It was elegant and emphasized her curves in all the right places. Perfect for dinner or galas. 

Q shook his head. “You’d never be able to move properly in that thing. And red looks intimidating on you.” 

“Intimidating, hm?” Instead of being offended, Eve grinned at him. “You rarely make me such compliments, Q.” She turned around quickly, just to look back over her shoulder and grimace. “You’re right, I could never run in this.” Since she wasn’t a field agent anymore, the chances that such things might be necessary were low, but Q knew his best friend well enough by now to know that she wasn’t taking any chances. ’Better safe than sorry.’ That was one of her mottos. 

“Try on the black one. I bet you’ll be stunning in it.” 

He heard her laugh behind the curtain. “So red is making me look scary, but you think black will be great?” 

He shrugged, even if she couldn’t see it. “I know you like dark colours.” 

“Speaking of intimidating, how’s Bond?” She asked suddenly and for a moment, Q was glad that she couldn’t see his face. 

“Brooding.” He replied, trying to sound neutral. “Last week has been better, but ever since, things went downhill again.” 

“You know that you can’t expect him to get better every day. He lost his family.” He heard the shuffling of fabric, followed by a quiet curse. 

“Of course I know what he’s been through and that it won’t get better any time soon.” He hesitated. “I just wish he’d trust me.” In short words, he summarized how James had reacted when Q tried to touch him. 

“So you told him about it. How did he react?” More noises behind the curtain, this time sounding like a zipper. “Q, could you please give me a hand? This dress is trying to kill me.” 

He couldn’t hold back the quiet chuckle at this. “It would be a pleasure.” He stepped inside the changing room and found Eve’s back turned to him. He carefully helped her to close the dress. “You’ll never be able to get inside this all by yourself.” 

Eve beamed at him. “But I’m sure you would always stop by to help me.” She turned to eye herself in the mirror. “You were right, by the way. Black is better than red.” 

“By far.” Q smiled. This dress wasn’t as tight and suited her much better. “I like this one.” 

“Me too. I think I’ll take it.” 

This time, he was the one to grin. “Provided that I’ll help you to get out of it again.” 

She pouted. “Q, you’re my best friend. You can’t just let me stay like this.” 

“Maybe you want to look at yourself once more?” While she turned around in front of the mirror again, he ran a hand through his hair. “We didn’t talk about it. I mean James. When I told him that we already touched, he went upstairs without a word.” 

“It must be a lot for him.” She said thoughtfully. “Knowing that you touched him, meaning that you carry it within you. And everyone who has contact with you too.” 

“Which means nearly all of MI6, soon enough.” He agreed quietly and undid the zipper before stepping out of the changing room again. 

“His family will be safe, though.” It wasn’t a question, but it nearly sounded like one. 

Q nodded, only to remember that she couldn’t see him once more. “We took all possible measures and no one except for three people knows where to find them.” 

“M, Tanner and you.” She summarized. 

“I don’t know the exact location.” 

The curtain opened to reveal Eve in her normal clothes again. She was carrying the black dress in one hand and the red one in the other. Q carefully took the red one from her to bring it back to where it belonged. But before he could do so much as take three steps, a young lady working at the shop was already there and took it from him with a smile. She then studied Eve and her smile widened when Q’s friend pressed the black dress against herself protectively. “I’ll take this one.” Eve said, as if it wasn’t completely obvious by now. 

“It doesn’t matter, by the way.” She continued quietly once they were on their own again. “I think a country would be enough for him to find them.” 

“Not if I have any say in this.” He threw in. “We promised Madeleine to keep their whereabouts from him. He should hear it from her or not at all.” 

Eve frowned, looking a little worried. “He won’t accept your excuses forever. There will be a time when he’ll demand answers.” 

Q nodded slowly. “But luckily, it’s not now.” Or at least he hoped so. Because somehow, he had the feeling that James wouldn’t be so patient and wait forever. At the latest, he would ask questions once he was completely healed, Q just knew that. The doctors said that it would still take a while, but the older man was tough. Maybe Q should already think of what to say once the time was there and James did indeed ask questions. 

By the time Q returned home, it was already late in the afternoon. The cats greeted him at the door, as they usually did. What was new, however, was to see James sitting on the couch, a book in hand. One of Q’s books, to be exact. Even from the distance, the cover was familiar. 

“Why doesn’t it surprise me to find you with one of my books?” He asked while he took off his coat. He felt a little anxious while he waited for James’ answer, not sure if it was a good or a bad day. 

But then Bond looked up and smiled slightly. “You’re already reading part three, so I thought it wouldn’t bother you.” 

“It doesn’t.” He replied earnestly and made his way to the kitchen to make some tea. “So I assume you had a good day so far?” 

The answer came immediately. “Relaxing. And where were you? Not at work, I suppose, or you wouldn’t be back by now.” 

“Shopping with Eve.” It was strange how normal all this felt. James sitting on the couch with a book, asking about Q’s day while he was making tea. He only realized that he’d poured two cups when he noticed James’ surprised expression. “She needed a new dress for a date and who’s better than to give tips than her best friend?” However, he was smiling while he said it. 

James put the book aside and took the cup Q offered him without complaints. As usual, their skin didn’t touch, but Q had the feeling that James didn’t pull away as quickly as the last times they’d been close. “For a long time, I didn’t realize how close you two are.” 

He shrugged. “At first, we weren’t. I think we were both rather wary, but it changed as soon as we got to know each other better.” 

“And now you’re inseparable.” It wasn’t a question. And there was something else in James’ voice, something he couldn’t quite place. Maybe envy? 

“She’s my closest friend. It’s good that I can be honest with her about the job.” 

James’ blue eyes seemed to bore into him. “It’s hard to find people who get it.” He didn’t have to specify what it meant. 

He nodded, not sure if he should change the subject to James’ own life. To his friends. He was close to Alec Trevelyan, also known as 006, Q knew that. And of course there were Madeleine and Mathilde. But next to that? Did James Bond have many friends? Instead of talking, Q took a sip of his tea and they sat in silence for some time. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. Rather companionable. 

“Q, I need to apologize.” James said suddenly, ripping him out of his thoughts which had again drifted to the events on the island. 

Looking up in surprise, he unconsciously tightened his grip on the teacup. “What do you mean?” 

“I shouldn’t have yelled at you yesterday. That was unfair.” He wondered how difficult it had been for him to get out those words. From what he knew, James never apologized. To no one. This could as well be a first. 

Q shook his head. “No, I get it. I should have asked first. It’s only logical that you’d react like this, knowing everything that happened.” 

James sighed deeply, suddenly looking incredibly tired. “It’s not easy for me.” He said quietly. “What happened… I can’t risk them.” 

“I know you can’t.” He replied softly. “I promise that I’d never do anything that could put their lives at risk. We’re all aware of the situation.” 

“Thank you, Q.” James whispered after a long moment of silence. Then, as if nothing had happened, the Double-Oh suddenly stood up, took Q’s empty cup from him and headed towards the kitchen, probably to wash up. If the short moment their fingers brushed had been intentional, James never mentioned it. Neither did Q ask. 

Chapter Text

“This is a bad idea.” Q repeated for the fifth time. 

Eve looked at him with wide eyes. “Oh come on, Q. It will be good for you. Both of you.” 

Weeks had passed and by now, James’ physical injuries were healing well. It was only a matter of time until he would ask about his family again, they all knew it. His behaviour towards Q had its ups and downs. Some days, James was relaxed and they could talk about books and other things for hours. On other days, however, he was quiet and refused any social interactions at all. 

With him healing so well, it was also just a matter of time until he could return to MI6 to work again. Maybe he’d even move out of Q’s house and get a flat on his own. The thought bothered Q more than he wanted to admit. Because over the past weeks, he’d gotten used to James’ presence. Q enjoyed their conversations on good days and he’d even managed to make James smile a few times by now. It always felt like a small victory. He was worried that living alone wouldn’t do the secret agent any good. 

And James Bond preferred to be alone, that much was obvious. While having meals together with Q, if he was at home and not at work, had become a routine for them and they often drank tea together in the afternoons, James didn’t search the company of others. His best friend, Alec Trevelyan, had offered to meet him once, but when Q delivered the message, James had just shrugged. Tanner had also stopped by at his place two times, but after short and polite conversations with James, he’d left again. 

Now Eve was the one demanding to see the other man, having listened to all of Q’s stories in silence so far and without offering to come over herself. 

Q looked at her for a long moment. Then he gave in with a sigh. “If he wants you to leave, it would be wise to follow his wishes.” 

She beamed at him. “I knew you’d say yes! You can’t be alone with him all the time. He also needs to see other people.” 

“He didn’t want to see Alec.” Q pointed out. 

“Because he’s insufferable most of the time.” Eve replied without hesitation. “While I’m always good company.” 

“The best.” Q agreed when she looked at him expectantly. “Alright, you can come over on Saturday.” 

James didn’t look thrilled that Moneypenny was coming over, but he also didn’t say anything against it when Q asked if he preferred not to have her around. So on Saturday afternoon, he opened the door to let her inside. They found James in the kitchen, making tea. “I never thought that I would see this.” Eve said with a smile. “James Bond in a kitchen. So wonders do still happen.” 

James didn’t look up from his work. “Despite what everyone thinks, I’m fully capable of doing simple tasks in the household, Moneypenny.” His tone was playful and Q was glad that today seemed to be one of the good ones. 

He went into the kitchen to help James with the tea. “I’m sure James is a better cook than you are, Eve.” He said over his shoulder. 

“As if that was difficult.” Eve muttered and made herself comfortable in one of the armchairs. “I would enjoy it immensely to have someone cooking for me.”

“What happened to that boyfriend of yours?” James asked as he followed Q into the living room with the tea. 

Eve shrugged. “We went our separate ways.” It had been over a year ago, but she didn’t mention it. “At the moment, I’m quite happy on my own. But Q here has tried dating lately.” 

At this, he glared at her. “It was nothing serious.” He threw in quickly, remembering the date he had to cancel when Eve and James suddenly stood on his doorstep weeks ago. He’d never called the guy back, too busy with other things. Too busy worrying about James, to be exact. 

James looked at him with a mixture of curiosity and something else on his face. Q always prided himself with being good at reading other people, but he didn’t have the slightest idea what it was he saw in James’ expression now. “You never saw someone since I moved in.” 

“As I said, it was nothing.” He repeated simply and reached for one of the biscuits. “He was nice, but it didn’t work out. End of the story.” Maybe it would be better for them to change the subject. After all, it could far too easily remind James of Madeleine and Mathilde. 

Eve seemed to think the same. “So tell me, James, how are you doing? Did Q manage to drive you crazy yet?” 

James shook his head. “I’ve grown rather fond of his company.” 

“He spends more time with my books than with me.” Q threw in with a smile. 

“Because you’re rarely around.” James replied immediately. “Only the cats and they are definitely not good company.” 

Q grinned at Eve. “They don’t like James very much.” They’d stayed with a neighbour for the first days after James’ arrival, but soon, Q couldn’t stand it anymore and brought them back home. 

“They hate me.” James clarified. 

Eve pretended to look surprised. “I can’t imagine why!” 

Q scoffed. “Oh come on, you don’t like them as well! Don’t pretend otherwise.” He’d tried to be angry at her for not liking his cats. However, the silence had only lasted a day. 

She looked at him innocently. “Where are they, by the way?” 

“Upstairs. They’re usually avoiding it when I’m around.” James explained. 

And on and on the conversation went. Over time, Q started to relax. Maybe it wouldn’t end in disaster, after all. He was also very glad that again, James didn’t ask about Madeleine and Mathilde a single time. 

“He seems to be doing better.” Eve said as he walked her to the car. 

Q shrugged. “It was a good day.” He said simply. “Sometimes, he’s also staring at the wall for hours. Or looking at maps, as if he could figure out where they are now.” 

“When did the doctors said he’s ready to work again?” 

The question made him sigh. “Maybe two weeks? I just hope M knows what we’ll tell him until then.” 

Eve placed a hand on his arm. “I’m sure it will all work out, Q.” 

After saying goodbye to her, he went back inside. Only to find James in the kitchen. “I was about to cook dinner.” He said when he noticed Q’s questioning glance. 

Q decided that he would think of the future another day. Instead, he made his way over to where James was rummaging through the fridge. “Can I don anything to help?” 

This time, James was the one to look surprised. But then he nodded and handed Q some vegetables. “You can chop these.” 

He nodded. “I can do that.” 

After dinner, which was delicious as usual, they made themselves comfortable on the couch. Normally, they would both read something or Q would do some more work, but this time, James walked over to the TV. “There’s this new action movie which was in the cinema a few months ago. I bet it’s ridiculous.” 

He understood the hidden question. “Then let’s find out. Though I have to warn you. I can be horrible while analyzing such movies.” 

James grinned. “Who says that I’m not even worse?” 

Eve’s visit was followed by a few more good days. Days in which Q enjoyed having James around. He even managed to make him smile or laugh more, which always felt like a big accomplishment at that time. In all the time that Q had known him, James Bond had rarely smiled and never laughed. That he now allowed Q to see him like that felt like a big step forward. 

But as it always was with steps forward, there were also those in the other direction. 

A week after Eve’s visit, James was cleared to work again. His injuries had healed. He could go on missions again. 

To Q’s surprise, James didn’t seem to be thrilled by this. Neither was he. Because he’d gotten used to having the other man around. To find James sitting in the living room when he came home from work. Or to sit on the couch with him and watch stupid action movies (yes, they’d done that more than once). He liked James Bond and Q was sad to know that this time with him would end. 

Even if this time had also been a farce. James hadn’t stayed with Q because he wanted to. No, he’d only been with him since he had nowhere else to go. Because his loved ones, his family, was in danger because of him. Q wondered if James had at least enjoyed staying with him a little bit, but he didn’t dare to ask. Most probably, it was better if he didn’t know about James’ feelings. Q’s own had only gotten more complicated in the past weeks. 

On James’ first day back at work, a dark and rainy Monday morning, Q followed him to M’s office silently. They’d all assumed that demanding to know about his family would be the first thing he did and it seemed like they were right. 

M didn’t look impressed when James all but stormed into his office, a stern look in his blue eyes. “Where are they?” 

“Good morning to you too, 007.” M said slowly, his eyes wandering to Q for half a second. He only made a helpless gesture, indicating that he couldn’t stop the other man from doing this. 

“I’m in no mood for pleasantries. Where’s my family, M?” James asked again, some of his impatience showing. 

M only sighed. “Do you think it would make a difference if you knew about their whereabouts, Bond? You can’t go and see them anyway. Isn’t it enough to know that they are somewhere safe?” 

“You know it isn’t.” James muttered and Q thought that he could hear pain in his voice. “I have a right to know where they are.” 

“Unfortunately, that isn’t completely true.” M’s voice was still quiet. Soft. “If anyone tells you about the whereabouts of Miss Swann and your daughter, it should be herself. This is a request she made before her departure.” 

Q couldn’t see James’ face from his position behind the other man, but he imagined that he frowned at this. “Why wouldn’t she want you to tell me?” 

M didn’t take his eyes off the Double-Oh. “Maybe to stop you from making a rash decision and just storming off to see them. After all, it’s not only her life that’s at stake but also that of your daughter.” 

“I would never do anything that could risk Mathilde’s life.” There was suppressed anger in James’ voice. Q thought it wasn’t because of Madeleine’s decision, though. Rather because he had to admit that M was right about this. 

“Let me suggest something. We will inform Miss Swann about your full recovery and offer to set up a call. Then she can make the decision whether she wants you to know about their current location or not.” It was as far as they could go, they’d all agreed on that. They couldn’t break Madeleine’s trust and tell James about their new home. It was all up to her. 

After a long moment, James nodded shortly. “Sounds acceptable.” 

M nodded as well. “Then I would suggest you go to medical for one last check, Bond. After that, you’ll receive information on your next mission.” 

With another short nod of the head, James made his way towards the door. But M stopped him. “Oh and Bond? If you need to find a place on your own, just let Tanner know. He can set everything up.” 

James didn’t turn around again, but he froze with his back to them. Q also held his breath, wondering what was going on in the other man’s mind. If he was glad about this offer to move out of Q’s house. 

James’ next words surprised him more than anything. “Thank you for the offer, but I think I’ll stay with Q.” Without waiting for a reaction, he left the office, the door closing behind him with a quiet thud. 

Q kept wondering about James’ reply for the rest of the day. He’d refused the offer to get a place on his own again and wanted to stay with him instead. Did he enjoy staying with Q? Or did it just have practical reasons, meaning not having to do everything in the household on his own? There was also another thought that kept bothering him. Maybe James didn’t want to move into another flat because he didn’t plan to stay in London for much longer. 

Luckily, he got distracted when 004 walked into Q Branch shortly after midday. For once, Q gave the Double-Oh a small smile. “004, here to get your equipment, I guess.” 

The other man nodded. If it were not for the eyes, he would really look similar to Bond. Q tried not to think of that any longer. “It’s good to see you, Q. I hope you’re doing well?” 

“Splendid.” Q replied shortly and moved to a small suitcase that was already waiting on his desk. “Since your mission will take you to colder places, I have forgone the gun which only fires on fingerprint. That should enable you to wear gloves without restrictions. However, you should also make sure that no one gets it from you. Otherwise, you might be shot at with your own weapon. Which would be unfortunate, since I modified this one a little. It’s lighter and has a bigger range than other guns this size.” 

004 eyed the gun curiously, but at Q’s warning look, he made no move to take it. He didn’t like others playing with dangerous things in Q Branch. Especially not guns. “This one here is a tracker.” Q continued, pointing at a small device. “If you need immediate extraction, just activate it and someone will be there as soon as possible. Then we have the decoding algorithm on this stick, it should work, but if not, either R or I will be on the line to help.” 

“I always enjoy having your voice in my ear, Q.” 004 crooned, his attention shifting away from the equipment and to Q. 

He ignored the other man’s gaze. “The last thing here might look like a box filled with peppermints, but I would advise against trying one of those.” 

004 eyed the small plastic bottle warily. “Are they toxic?” 

“Not deadly, but they should put anyone who eats one of those to sleep within minutes.” Testing them had been interesting. Some of the recruits still refused to take any kind of food from Q. 

“Practical.” 004 muttered, sounding impressed. “Might make infiltrating that building much easier.” 

“That’s the idea.” Q agreed with a smile. “Any questions, 004?” 

The other man looked at him for a long second. “Not about the mission. But maybe we could have dinner together once I’m back in London? There’s this fancy place in Kensington you might like.” 

Q stared at the other man. A conversation with Moneypenny came back to his mind, where she had insisted that the Double-Oh wanted something from him. Most probably to get in his pants. So far, he’d refused to believe it. But maybe his best friend had been more observant than Q, after all. “I don’t think that this is a good idea, 004.” Q replied evenly, using the other man’s title in hope that he would come to his senses. 

Unfortunately, he didn’t. “If this is about the job, I’m sure that it won’t be a problem. We’re both professionals, after all.” 

“And technically speaking, I’m also your superior.” Q threw in. 

004 wasn’t done trying. “It’s just dinner. A nice evening together. No strings attached.” 

“004 -“ Q began again, but he was interrupted by someone clearing his throat close by. Someone who had obviously sneaked up on them during this uncomfortable conversation. 

He turned only to find James leaning against his desk, a strange expression on his face. “I think that our Quartermaster isn’t interested in your advances, Ian.” 

“And I think that Q can speak for himself.” 004’s voice was colder now. 

“As I said, I don’t think that it’s a good idea.” Q repeated. 

“Thinking that this isn’t a good idea and refusing are two different things.” 

Q had to hold back a sigh. Why did those Double-Oh’s always have to be so difficult? “To me, it sounded like a no.” James threw in unhelpfully. 

Now Q did sigh. “We’ll speak of this once you return from your mission, 004. You should leave now, otherwise you might miss your plane.”

Hoping that the dismissal would be understood, he turned completely to James now, only to find the other man still watching him with this strange expression on his face. “I assume you’re here because of your next mission, 007?” 

James nodded, also ignoring 004 who was collecting his equipment. “M said you can tell me about the details.” 

“Let’s go to my office.” Q said and led James to the separate room where he worked when he didn’t want to be interrupted. 

“Does he always flirt with you like this?” James asked as soon as the door was closed behind them. 

“004?” Q asked as he sat down at his desk, the secret agent taking place opposite from him. “This was the first time he openly asked me out. But I’m sure Moneypenny can tell you more, she has this theory that he wants to get me into bed for quite some time now.” 

James quirked an eyebrow. “Is that so?” His voice was still very even and for once, Q couldn’t interpret what the other man was thinking. 

“Since I’m not interested in him, it shouldn’t turn into a problem.” He replied with a shrug. “He’ll be gone for a few weeks now, so I have time to figure out how to tell him.” Not feeling comfortable with the conversation, he opened his laptop and searched for the data about James’ mission. “So Spain it is this time.” 

James looked like he wanted to say something more, but then he just nodded, letting Q give him the details about the person he had to find in Barcelona. 

Since James would only leave for Spain at the end of the week, he and Q drove home together after work that day. Q was already waiting for more questions about James’ family. Or complaints that he didn’t get to see them yet. However, once the door was closed behind them, James headed for the kitchen. “How does pizza sound to you?” 

“Perfect. I’m starving.” Q replied, placing his bag on the table in the living room and checking if anything needed immediate action. Luckily, it didn’t. 004 was on a plane and didn’t manage to make it crash yet. Q counted that as a small victory. 

“That’s because you didn’t have a break today.” James threw in from where he was working in the kitchen. 

Q glared at him. “I went to the bakery with Eve.” 

“That trip took you fifteen minutes in total.”

“But it was a break.” He pointed out. 

James rolled his eyes. “You’re unbelievable.” 

“As if you’re any better.” Q muttered quietly. James’ soft laughter at this made him smile. Things would escalate, he was sure of that. The Double-Oh would ask about his family again. But it seemed like it wouldn’t be today. And Q was fine with it. 

James’ mission was over after only two days. Q had argued before that this task would be far too easy for him, but M had insisted that Bond should start with something simple after being so severely injured. Since Q could agree with that, he’d stopped discussing it in the end. 

He regretted that decision the moment James strode into Q Branch after his mission, a determined expression on his face. “My equipment.” He said, placing the gun on the table without bothering to say hello. 

Q only looked at him with raised eyebrows, unimpressed. He hoped that the secret agent couldn’t sense his uneasiness. Because in the past days, they hadn’t been able to reach Madeleine Swann so far. Which also meant that they didn’t have an answer for James yet. “Hello to you too.” 

Something like guilt flashed over James’ features, there and gone before Q could really process the emotion. “Q.” He said in that very special way of his, bowing his head slightly. “The trip to Spain was quite uneventful, I have to admit.” 

“I’m sure that was the idea.” He said, eyeing the gun. “You brought it back in one piece.” 

“I didn’t even need it.” James said simply. 

Q nodded. “That’s good. Did you already report back to M?” 

“He’s in a meeting, so I came here first. Moneypenny will let me know when I can see him.” He saw it then, the hope shimmering in James’ eyes. He hated that this feeling might be crushed soon. 

“It might take a while, though.” Q threw in. “From what I’ve heard, he’s meeting with someone from MI5.” 

James didn’t look impressed. Instead, he only leaned against Q’s desk. “Since I enjoy the current company, I think I’ll just wait here with you.” 

“This might get uncomfortable soon.” Q warned him. “I’m expecting a call from 004. He’s stuck somewhere in Greenland.” 

“What is he doing in Greenland, of all places?” 

Q shrugged. “If you believe it or not, he wasn’t supposed to end up there at all.” 

This time, the other man looked intrigued. “That’s a story I’d like to hear.” 

Having nothing better to do and wanting to keep James’ good mood for now, Q told him. 

James met with M in the afternoon. Q couldn’t join them since 004 kept him occupied. When he finally managed to make his way upstairs, one look at Eve’s face told him everything he needed to know. “I assume he already left?” He asked quietly. 

She nodded. “It was scary. He wasn’t angry or hurt. He just… blanked. As if it all meant nothing to him.” 

Q swallowed, having feared something like this. “We’re still trying to reach Madeleine?” 

“Yes and if it doesn’t work within the next two days, we’ll send someone to see what’s going on.” 

“I could also try.” He offered. “I’m sure I can find out something.” 

Moneypenny shook her head. “We should let her make the decision if and when she wants to talk to us. And you’re already doing enough, Q.” 

He scoffed. “I’m not doing anything useful when it comes to this.” 

“I think without you, James would be feeling far worse.” She threw in softly. “It’s good that he has you.” 

“For as long as it lasts.” He replied simply. “I’m sure he’ll be gone as soon as he hears from them.” He hoped that she didn’t notice the bitterness in his voice. Unfortunately, her narrowed eyes told him that she did. “I should head home. See if he’s already destroyed parts of the house.” 

He made his way to the door again. Her voice stopped him only for a short moment. “Call me if things are about to escalate. I’ll be there as soon as possible.” 

He felt incredibly grateful for having such a good friend. “Thank you, Eve.” He left without turning around. 

The house was still there when Q arrived. In fact, it was dark. So dark that he started to wonder whether James was even there or if he’d went to a pub to get drunk. Once he was inside, however, he saw a figure sitting on the couch. 

Q switched on the light. “One should assume that after weeks of living here, you know where to find the light switch.” He tried to joke, not sure which was the right strategy to deal with this version of James Bond. 

To his relief, the other man turned to him and his lips twitched. His eyes were still dull, but it was better than nothing. “You’re not in a completely bad mood. So I assume 004 didn’t manage to destroy half of Greenland?” 

“Barely.” Q replied and made his way to the kitchen, placing his bag on the table. “But he’s still there, so there’s a chance that something might happen until his flight back tomorrow.” 

“So you’re on duty tonight?” James asked, nodding towards the laptop Q had placed on the table. 

He shook his head. “Only if there’s an emergency. For now, someone else is dealing with him.” 

“Great. Then I think we should go out and have dinner somewhere else.” It was the first time James suggested such a thing and it made Q stare at him with wide eyes. “Unless you want to stay here, of course.” The secret agent added quickly. 

“No, going out is fine.” He said hastily. “You just caught me by surprise. We’ve never done that before.” 

James shrugged. “I could use a change of scenery for once.” 

He hesitated for a few moments. “If this is about your conversation with M today –“ 

“Let’s not talk about it.” James interrupted him quickly and for half a second, Q saw pain in his eyes. “I just want to forget about all that for a while.” 

“And I can make you forget?” He asked, raising his eyebrows. 

“Sometimes, it feels like you’re the only one who can make me feel anything at all.” Without waiting to see his reaction, James made his way towards the stairs. “Give me five minutes to get changed, then we can be on our way.” 

When he returned, Q was still standing where James had left him, for once speechless. 

“So you went out for dinner.” Eve concluded the following day. “For the first time since he moved in.” 

Q nodded. “It took me by surprise. Actually, I was about to suggest to order some food instead of cooking ourselves. I’m sure he just wanted to see something else for a while. He basically said so.” He didn’t tell his best friends about James’ words. Somehow, that felt far too personal. He wasn’t even sure if James had meant to share that information with him. 

“Maybe it’s a good sign.” She said. “When he left yesterday, I already feared the worst. That he behaved normal around you might mean that he’s healing.” 

“He might be many things, but I don’t think that he’s been dealing with the consequences of what happened on that island.” Q threw in quietly, voicing what had been on his mind for some time now. “It’s rather like he pretends that it never happened.” 

Eve looked thoughtful. “Did you ever talk about it? What happened?” 

He shook his head. “I know that the therapist at MI6 tried to do so. But I never got to know about the results. It’s a topic we never mentioned at home.” At home, as if James was also living there with him. As if he wasn’t just a guest in Q’s life. One that would vanish again as soon as things got better. 

“Maybe you should talk.” She said. “It might make things easier for the both of you.” Q stared at her in surprise and she rolled her eyes. “Oh come on, Q. Do you think I’m blind? I know that this is also weighing heavily on you. You like James and want him to be better.” 

He sighed. “Of course I like him. Otherwise, I would have never offered that he could stay with me.” He didn’t want James to leave again. That was the real problem. 

Eve was looking at him through narrowed eyes for so long that Q already started to feel uncomfortable. Then suddenly, her expression turned to surprise. “You’re –“ 

He never got to know what she wanted to say. In this moment, his phone was ringing. It was M. “We’ve reached her.” He said as soon as Q accepted the call. “Madeleine doesn’t want to talk to him.”

When Q returned to his house that evening, the lights were out again. He knew that James was there, though. Tanner had driven him home, not wanting to let James go alone in this state. He’d shouted when he heard the news. Smashed a vase in M’s office. Even thrown his own phone across the room. It had taken lots of patience and good words to make the secret agent calm down enough that they could lead him to the garage, where Tanner was waiting with a car. 

As he switched on the lights this time, Q was afraid of what he might find. At first glance, it all looked just as it did the day before. At least until Q saw the empty bottles on the table. It seemed as if James had decided to get drunk, after all. He just wasn’t sure where he got it from. Ever since he moved in, Q had banished all alcohol from the house. 

Taking a deep breath, he made his way to the table and began to unpack his things. 004 had taken a detour and was now in Stockholm. He was close to his target and might need immediate attention in the course of the night. Early in the afternoon, Q had told R that she should take the night off and he would deal with it. Now he regretted that decision. Dealing with an upset James and 004 was far too much for one night. 

Not feeling very hungry, he decided that tea and biscuits would do for the night. James was still sitting on the couch, a bottle in hand and staring into nothing. Q decided to let him be for now, not sure how the other man would react to him saying anything about what happened. 

He was so lost in thoughts that he only realized he’d made two cups of tea when they were already standing in front of him. He only debated about pouring one into the sink for a short moment. Then he headed over to the living room with both of them. “Here, I thought you might like some tea.” 

For a long moment, James stared at the cup he’d placed on the table. Then he took it with shaking hands, letting go of the bottle. Q forced himself not to grimace when he noticed that it was really strong liquor. He counted the bottles again and was surprised that James could even hold the teacup without spilling its contents. 

They drank their tea in silence for some time. In the end, it was James who spoke first. “They don’t want to see me, Q.”

“I’ve heard about it.” He replied quietly. “I’m sorry, James. But she can still change her mind. Maybe it’s just too soon.” 

The older man shook his head. “I’m a danger to them. She’ll never let me see Mathilde again.” 

“You don’t know that.” 

“Everyone I love leaves me in the end.” His voice sounded bitter. “But this time, it’s even worse. Knowing that I can never touch them again.” 

Q had tried to find a solution to it. He’d analyzed it in his free time whenever he got the chance. But it seemed like there really wasn’t a cure. “But you can still see them.” He threw in. 

James scoffed. “If she lets me. Most probably, she won’t. After all, I left her first.” He’d heard the story about that, but so far, James had never spoken of it himself. How he’d believed that Madeleine had betrayed him. How he’d pushed her away because of Spectre’s lies. 

When James wanted to reach for the bottle again, Q stopped him. James stared at Q’s hand on his darkly for a long moment. Then he leaned back with a sigh. “I think you had enough to drink for one night.” Q said softly and took both the teacups and the alcohol to the kitchen. Quiet footsteps told him that James was following on unsteady feet. So maybe the alcohol did affect him, after all.

“Maybe I should have died on that island.” The words were spoken with such quiet resignation that Q dropped the teacups in surprise. In the silence surrounding them, the shattering porcelain made them both flinch. 

“Don’t say such things.” Q whispered. 

James shrugged. “But it’s true. I should have died.”

Q took in the man in front of him. With his wrinkled suit, the bloodshot eyes and ruffled hair, he looked very tired. Weary in a way he’d never seen James Bond before. “Doesn’t your life mean anything to you anymore, James?” 

“No. Yes. I don’t know.” The Double-Oh looked conflicted for a long moment. Q’s heart broke at the sight.

“I’m sure everything will be alright again.” He said evenly. “I know everything feels like there’s no hope. Like you lost everything. But you didn’t. Your family is alive. They’re still here.”

James shook his head slowly. “You don’t know how I feel.” He muttered. “No one knows. Everyone always says such things. That it will be alright. That I’ll be fine. No one died on that island, so where’s the problem, Bond? You can still see your family, that’s better than nothing, isn’t it? It’s not enough. It never will be.” The longer he talked, the angrier he started to look. Q had anticipated an outburst from the moment he’d stepped into the room. So here it was. However, unlike in his thoughts, it was far more terrifying to see James Bond lose control right in front of you. 

“James, please calm down. Take a deep breath, it will all be fine.” The moment the words left Q’s mouth, he knew it had been the wrong thing to say. 

“Fine? Fine?! You don’t understand anything! You don’t know what it’s like to lose everything!” James shouted and took a step towards Q. 

He’d never before been afraid of the Double-Oh’s. He knew what they were capable of. In a way, everyone working at MI6 was dangerous. Q was used to such things and he refused to let it intimidate him. 

In this moment, however, he couldn’t help himself. With James Bond stepping towards him, fists clenched and eyes wild, Q flinched back, trying to bring some distance between them. Just that he was leaning against the counter and there was nowhere to go. 

He already expected the man in front of him to shake him. Maybe even hit him. 

But again, James Bond surprised Q. Because as soon as he saw his reaction, all the anger seemed to leave him at once. “Q…” James said, his voice suddenly sounding quiet. Unsure of himself. 

“Just drop it, Bond.” Q muttered and moved past James. He didn’t feel any satisfaction when the older man took a step back. He looked like Q had hit him. He didn’t call James by his last name since he first moved in. They were past those formalities by now. 

Or at least that’s what Q thought. 

James didn’t stop him when Q grabbed his laptop, made his way upstairs and locked himself in his bedroom. 

Chapter Text

He didn’t call Eve. In fact, Q kept sitting in his bedroom for a long time, listening to any sounds James might make. The cats were with him, probably having fled the moment James returned and started drinking. Just that he didn’t hear anything. The house was completely quiet, nearly as if James wasn’t there at all. But he also didn’t hear the front door, which meant that he was still somewhere downstairs. 

When he got the message that 004 needed assistance at two in the morning, Q took it as a welcome distraction. He wouldn’t sleep anyway, afraid that the image of a furious James would haunt him in his dreams. 

He’d never before been afraid of a Double-Oh and he certainly wouldn’t start now. Not when it came to James Bond, a man who always had a special place in Q’s heart. 

The rest of the night was spent in discussions and arguments with 004. When Q finally left his bedroom, it was nearly seven in the morning. He was afraid of what he’d find, but he also wouldn’t start hiding in his own house. 

What he saw when he entered the living room made him swallow in surprise. No traces of shards on the floor where the teacups had broken. No empty bottles of liquor. No secret agent asleep on the couch or working in the kitchen. However, the table was made and Q’s favourite food was waiting for him, together with a steaming cup of tea. Wherever James was now, he must have heard Q move upstairs and had prepared this breakfast then. 

It was an apology. One that Q wasn’t sure he’d get. 

He knew better than to call out for James. If he wanted to face Q, he would be there. But it seemed like he didn’t. So Q remained silent as well, enjoyed his food and got ready for work then. 

When there was still no sign of James, he hesitated before he left. “I’ll see you later.” He said into the silence surrounding him and didn’t just mean the cats. He hoped that James would understand.

“You look horrible.” Eve said when they made their way to a restaurant close by for lunch. 

Q shrugged. “004 kept me awake most of the night.” 

“Of course it was just 004 bothering you.” She didn’t try to hide her skepticism at his answer. “Not a certain other Double-Oh, I suppose?” 

“He got drunk last night.” He replied simply. “Shouted a lot. Mostly about hating himself and the unfairness of life. Nothing I couldn’t deal with.” 

He hoped that she didn’t see how much James’ behaviour had hurt him. Especially his words about dying. Q wasn’t sure if he could live in a world without James Bond. He’d known that the moment James stepped on that island. He also knew it now. Maybe it was even worse after those weeks together, because he got to know the other man better. Before, Q had admired the man and he might have had a little crush on him. It was nothing compared to his hopeless feelings now. 

Eve’s expression softened. Of course she could see that he wasn’t feeling well. She was one of the few people who could always see right through his masks. “You should have called.” 

“As I said, 004 kept me busy.”

“Q…” 

“No, Moneypenny, not now.” He interrupted her quickly. “We can talk about it, but later. Right now, I just want some peace.” 

She looked at him for a long moment and nodded slowly. “Fine, but the next time he starts shouting, you either call or kick his ass.” 

He nodded. “I can do that.” 

He didn’t see James for the rest of the day and Q was fine with that. He was busy enough without 007 stopping by at Q Branch. 004 was finally on his way back to London, so Q didn’t have to deal with him. He hoped that R would be on duty when the other man brought back his equipment, or at least what was left of it. Apparently, the gloves they’d also supplied him with had been set on fire at some point. 006 stopped by to get some equipment and for a while, Q could forget about the previous night. 

That was until he went home late that evening. There was light in the living room and he entered the house to find James sitting on the couch, book in hand. Or at least he had been sitting there until Q came in. Then, the other man slowly sat up, face pale. “Good evening, Q.” 

“James.” He replied slowly, surprised by this formal greeting. His first name fell from Q’s lips easily. “I assume you’re feeling better again?” James’ eyes were clear and he couldn’t see any other traces of alcohol somewhere. And was that food waiting in the kitchen? 

James slowly stood up and walked towards where Q still hesitated in the doorway. Unlike last night, he didn’t feel threatened when the other man came closer. “Q, I need to apologize for my behaviour yesterday. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” 

So here it was already, that conversation. “There are lots of things you shouldn’t have done.” He nodded in agreement. “Shouting is only one of them.” 

“I scared you.” James’ face was grave. “I’m sorry for that.” 

Suddenly, Q realized that this was why James moved so slowly. Why he was this hesitant. He thought that Q was still scared of him! “I’m not scared of you.” He said firmly and this time, he took a step towards the other man. “You took me by surprise, nothing else.” James’ expression told him that he didn’t believe it, at least not completely. “What bothered me more is how you talked about yourself. Like your life means nothing. I won’t tolerate that, James. There are people here who want you around. Who need you around. You can’t just give up like this.” 

“Q…” James began, obviously unsure what to say. 

“Your life didn’t end on that island. You’re still here. So make the most of it.” Without waiting for a reply, he headed towards the kitchen, greeting the cats on his way. They rarely came out when James was around, so probably he’d bribed them in some way. “Thank you for breakfast, by the way. It was delicious.” 

The sound of quiet footsteps told him that James followed more slowly. “It was meant as an apology. I wasn’t sure if you wanted to see me this morning.” 

“After shouting at 004 half of the night, it would have surely been much more pleasant.” 

James’ lips twitched. “How does dinner sound to you?” 

“You haven’t eaten yet?” For the first time, he noticed that the table was set for two. 

“I wanted to wait for you. If you want to have me around, that is. Otherwise, I’ll just eat somewhere else.” 

Q looked at the man in front of him for a long moment. It was obvious that James meant his apology. He still looked haunted by Madeleine’s refusal to even talk to him, but that was to be expected. At least he didn’t take out his anger on others anymore. 

He nodded slowly. “I’d like that. If you stop apologizing. As I said, I understand that all this is hard for you.” 

“I shouldn’t have yelled at you anyway.” James muttered, but then he let the subject go. 

During dinner, Q wondered whether he had forgiven James too quickly. If he was a fool for wanting this man around so much. But then James would smile or chuckle at something Q said and he thought that maybe it was worth it. 

After that, they fell back into what had become their routine over the past weeks. Of course with slight changes since James was also working again, but things were nearly back to normal. Long conversations over dinner or occasionally lunch, when James had the time to accompany him. Watching movies together and analyzing how unrealistic all of it was. Just sitting together on the couch and reading. 

Q knew that it wouldn’t last, but he was determined to enjoy the time anyway. 

James also stopped by at Q Branch even more often than before, spending most of his time outside of missions there. Q enjoyed his presence and since the Double-Oh didn’t bother any of his employees, he let James stay as long as he wanted. That he brought food or tea from time to time was an additional advantage. As was keeping 004 away. There wasn’t a chance for 004 to continue their awkward conversation about a dinner date yet, but not for lack of trying. In fact, James always seemed to be around when the other agent showed up and wanted to talk to Q. Or James steered Q away only minutes before the other man showed up, leaving 004 to deal with R instead. 

Q never knew how James did it, but he was grateful for the help. Because he couldn’t figure out another answer as ’no’ for 004 and he doubted that the man would take it in without another discussion. Something Q didn’t want at work. Or ever, when it came to 004. 

007 also left on a few shorter missions during the next weeks and Q always tried to be the one to guide him. One time, it didn’t work due to a meeting with M, but on two other missions, Q was the voice in James’ ear. 

“You need to turn right now.” Q said quietly, his eyes wandering over the several images from different traffic cameras in front of him. James was being chased by three other vehicles and the occupants were armed. “Then left at the third turn. Second. Now left. I’m working on the traffic lights, so hopefully you can lose them at the next one.” 

“I really don’t know what I would be doing without you, Q.” James said and he heard the faint sound of gunshots. 

“I’ll stop the traffic as soon as you reach the next crossing. Turn left two times then. You should be close to the river. Get rid of the car, there should be a few small boats. Steal one of them. But don’t stay inside for too long, there’s a car rental only five minutes downstream on the other shore. I’ll make sure that a car is already waiting for you.” 

Q’s hands were already flying over the keyboard while he talked and James kept driving. “You’re brilliant, Q.” He could hear the smile in James’ voice. “Maybe we should go out and have dinner again once I’m back in London. The last time was nice.” 

“You’re seriously thinking about dinner while being chased and shot at?” Q asked incredulously, but he also couldn’t stop fondness from leaking into his voice. He hoped that James didn’t notice it under the current circumstances. 

“It’s just a normal Thursday.” James threw in. 

Q held back a sigh. “Fine, we will have dinner together if you turn left at the next traffic light. 500 meters. 400. Keep driving, 007. I’ll stop the traffic right after you. Remember, left two times. Then get a boat.” 

James did exactly as Q said and he felt a pang of relief when the Double-Oh was on his way to the extraction point without any more followers. 

The peace was over after three weeks. Weeks in which Q secretly hoped that things might stay like this. That nothing ever had to change.

But it did with a message from M. A message that said that Madeleine Swann was ready to talk to James, after all. 

They were at Q Branch when the message arrived, so Q could see James’ reaction. How his eyes lit up at this and he smiled. It was a smile full of hope. Of happiness. And relief. So much relief. 

Q smiled back at him, hoping that it looked convincing. He didn’t follow James to M’s office. Madeleine had requested to talk to him in private, so it would be of no use anyway. Either James would tell him about the conversation later or he wouldn’t. Q wasn’t sure which option he preferred. 

After James had left to talk to his family, Q tried to busy himself with work. There were a few programs he needed to write. A code he had to decipher. He could also repair a laptop 002 had brought back from her last mission in pieces. And were there any Double-Oh’s on dangerous missions he could check on? 

He knew that it all wouldn’t distract him for long, but it was worth a try. 

Only that it turned out he wouldn’t need the distraction, after all. Because 004 walked into Q Branch about fifteen minutes after James left, a determined expression on his face. Q knew what this conversation would be about the moment he saw the other man. 

“004, is there something you need?” Q asked before the Double-Oh could open his mouth and start talking.

“It’s good to see you, Q.” 004 said with a smile. “The last times I stopped by, you weren’t around.” 

He sent another silent thanks to James. “I’ve been busy with work.” He replied simply. 

004 didn’t believe this lie for a second. “With Bond. He’s been around a lot in the past weeks. Ever since he nearly died.” 

“I think what he is doing is none of your concern, 004.” His voice sounded colder than intended, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. 

“Luckily, he isn’t around now.” 004 continued as if he didn’t hear Q’s words at all. “I’ve heard that he’s in touch with his family again. Probably off to see them soon. Good for him.” It was obvious that it didn’t matter to him what exactly made James Bond leave. 004 was happy as long as the other man wasn’t around. “So back to the question I asked you. Dinner. You and me. Maybe this weekend? I’m off to another mission on Monday, so there would be time.” 

004 was standing in front of Q’s desk casually, the perfect image of innocence. If he wasn’t leaning forward slightly and his eyes shone with the intensity of a hunter, this could have been a totally normal conversation between a Double-Oh and the Quartermaster. 

“This is a really nice offer, 004, but I have to decline.” Q replied as calmly as possible. “As I already mentioned, this is not a good idea.” 

“If this is about the chain of command again –“ 004 began, but Q interrupted him quickly. 

“And I’m not interested. I feel flattered, but maybe you should find someone else instead.” 

004 didn’t look happy. “If this is about Bond –“ 

“James Bond has a family, as you surely know since you mentioned them only minutes ago.” Q threw in. “This is only about you and me. It wouldn’t work, Ian.” The last words were spoken softly.

For a long moment, the other man simply looked at him. Q already expected him to argue or try to convince him again, but to his surprise, 004 simply sighed. “Fine, it was worth a try. I’m sorry for pushing you, Q. But really, for someone so smart, you can also be blind. Nothing between you and Bond? No one would ever believe that…” He kept muttering to himself while he left Q Branch, leaving Q to stare after him. 

He wondered what the other man had seen between James and him. Because one thing was for sure. No matter what Q felt for the older man, James could never return his feelings. Not in a million years.

James was already home when Q returned from work. He sat on the couch, a book in hand. He looked up as Q made his way to the kitchen. Clear eyes, a small smile on his lips. Apparently, the conversation with Madeleine went well. 

“There’s still some food left in the oven in case you’re hungry.” James said, still watching Q closely. 

He nodded in thanks, surprised to see that James had indeed taken the time to cook once more.  He would have expected that James was already on his way to France or at least packing his things. “So how did the conversation go?” Q asked, knowing that they would have to talk about this at some point. Even if he was sure that the news would crush him. 

“We talked for some time.” James explained, walking over to the kitchen table and sitting down opposite from him. “She has found a school for Mathilde and it seems like she already made some friends. Madeleine also considered working again, but after what happened, she’d rather stay at home for a little while longer.” 

“Not a surprise, really.” Q threw in, trying to analyze the situation calmly. Methodically. As if he was dealing with news at work. “I’m sure it will take a while for her to have trust in people again.” 

James nodded. “She’s seeing a therapist. That seems to help.” 

“That’s good.” Q agreed. They fell silent and for a while, the only sounds in the room were Q eating and James sipping his tea from time to time. 

In the end, it was Q who couldn’t stand the silence anymore. “Will you go to see them?” 

Emotions flashed over James’ face, faster than Q could take them in. However, one lingered in the end. Disappointment. “She didn’t tell me where they are yet.” The Double-Oh admitted. “She wants to make Mathilde aware of the situation first. So that nothing happens when I go to them.” 

“That sounds reasonable.” Q said hesitantly, not sure how James would react. 

The older man sighed. “I know that it is the best course of action. But it kills me that I can’t see them, Q.” 

“You will.” He threw in softly, hoping that his smile looked reassuring and not like a pained grimace. “You just need some more patience, James.” 

James looked at him for a long moment and Q already wondered if some of his feelings were showing on his face. But then he just nodded. “Thank you, Q.” 

“Maybe it’s time for you to start dating again.” Moneypenny said a few days later as she and Q were sitting together in his living room. James was on another mission and wouldn’t be back for at least a day. He had used this opportunity and invited his best friend over. Normally, they did this on a regular basis, but James staying with Q had changed a few things. “You need some time away from all this.” She didn’t need to explain what this was. He’d just told her about all his complicated feelings for the Double-Oh, not able to keep it to himself any longer. The knowledge that James would be gone soon made him sick. Moneypenny hadn’t been surprised at all. Of course she’d known about Q’s feelings for some time now. 

“I’m not sure if I want to date anyone at the moment, Eve.” He muttered with a sigh. 

She stared at him. “Your last date was crashed when James returned. That was months ago. You can’t just stop seeing other people for a man who will leave soon to go back to his family.” 

He tried not to flinch at this. “You let it sound like I chose any of this, but I didn’t. Do you think I wanted to fall in love with James Bond?” 

Eve’s expression softened. “I’m sorry, Q. I know how difficult all this must be for you. But it could help you to get over him.” 

Did he really want to get over James Bond? Q knew that it was all hopeless anyway. The man could never return his feelings. So theoretically, there was no use in waiting for him. But why was all this so hard, then? 

“First, I would need to meet someone who would be willing to date me.” With his working hours, it was never easy and most relationships he had ended after only a few months. “And I don’t mean 004.” He’d also told her about that encounter, though he’d left out the comment about him and James. He was still trying to figure out what 004 meant himself. Had he maybe noticed how Q looked at the older man? Or had it just been a comment to annoy him? He didn’t believe that, though. 

“We can go out next weekend, if you like.” She offered without hesitation. “Dance a little bit. Have a drink. Who knows what else might happen.” 

Even though Q wasn’t sure if this was a good idea, he nodded. “If I don’t have to watch over one of the Double-Oh’s, we can do that.” 

Eve beamed at him. “I'm sure it will be great!” 

James returned the following day while Q was still busy at work. Most others at Q Branch had already left and only those on night shift were still there. He knew that he should go home soon, but the code he was working on had kept him on edge so far. It was rare that there was something he couldn’t decipher straight away and he hated it. Normally, Q would welcome the challenge, but at the moment, he didn’t have the patience. Too many things were happening in his life. 

He took it as a welcome distraction when James’ quiet footsteps echoed through the nearly empty room. By now, Q would recognize the sound anywhere. When he looked up, he found that James was already watching him, a small smile on his lips. 

“You’re back early, 007.” Q noted, using his formal Quartermaster’s voice. 

James’ smile grew wider. “Q.” He said in that special way of his. It was both a greeting and an acknowledgement. “I was able to catch an earlier flight and thought I’d stop by to see if you’re still here.” I knew you wouldn’t be at home and working instead, so I came here to make you leave, was the unspoken meaning behind those words. 

Q gestured at his laptop. “There is this code that’s keeping me busy.” He explained and ran a hand through his hair. “I’ve been at it for hours now.” 

“I’m sure you can solve it.” James replied with faith in his voice. “If you had enough sleep, which doesn’t seem to be the case right now.” 

Q fought the urge to agree with the other man. Yes, he was feeling a little tired, but he could surely continue to work for a few more hours. 

The choice was taken from him when James reached out and closed his laptop with a quiet thud. “Let’s leave and get something to eat. And then you should sleep, Q.” Did he imagine it or was there a hint of concern in James’ voice? 

He glanced at his closed laptop for a long moment. Then Q gave in with a sigh. “Fine, but I will choose where we’ll eat.” 

James grinned. “Then lead the way, Quartermaster.” 

A little over a week after his conversation with Madeleine, James approached Q as he was working from home one evening. He had been busy doing research for 006’s current mission the whole day, wanting the Double-Oh to be able to complete his task without complications. Actually, one of his employees had been assigned to do the research, but it had included getting sensitive information and Q was the only one able to hack into those servers. 

He didn’t look up from his screen as James sat down opposite from him, too focused on the task at hand. Alec would need a little more input on the organization he should sneak in as well, so that’s what Q focused on next. 

After a while, however, the feeling that he was being watched got stronger and he glanced towards the man sitting opposite from him. James was staring at him with an unreadable expression on his face. “Is something the matter?” Q asked, suddenly feeling uneasy. 

James shook his head. “I spoke to Madeleine today.” So this was what it was about. His family had contacted him once more. Q reached out for his teacup on the table, grabbing it with both hands. He had the feeling that he would need something to hold on to for this conversation. The way James’ eyes followed his movement told him that the Double-Oh noticed this as well. 

“That’s great.” Q said, hoping to sound cheerful. Unfortunately, James frowned, telling him that he wasn’t successful. “So they’re ready to see you?” 

A nod. “I’ll leave in the morning. They’re in France. But I’m sure you already knew that.” There was no reproach in those words. 

“Not the exact location, but the region, yes.” Q explained. “I thought it was better if I didn’t know the name of the town.” 

“In case I made you tell me.” James guessed and again, a strange expression appeared on his face. By now, Q had stopped counting the times that happened. He’d always believed that he was good at reading James Bond, but he’d been wrong about that. 

“In case I let it slip accidentally.” Q corrected him firmly. He knew that James would have never forced the location out of him. “How long will you be gone?” He forced his voice to remain steady. “Or are you leaving us for real this time?” Are you leaving me, he wanted to say, but the words wouldn’t come out. 

James shrugged. “I don’t know. I would love to stay with them, but things aren’t that easy.” 

It made sense. Living with two people whom you couldn’t touch would be a real challenge, especially with a child. No matter how often they warned her, there might be a time when Mathilde wouldn’t be cautious anymore. “It’s understandable that you don’t want to endanger your family.” 

“Maybe I’ll find a place close by, so that I can see them from time to time.” James muttered, more to himself. “I can’t just give them up.” 

“No one asked you to.” Q threw in, even if the words felt like acid in his mouth. “But wouldn’t it be difficult? Being with them without physical contact?” 

The sigh coming out of James’ mouth spoke from a deep exhaustion. “I’ve been thinking about that for months. What it means for us.” He was silent for a long moment. “I’m still not sure if it had been better had I stayed on that island.” 

This time, it was Q’s turn to stare at him. His thoughts wandered back to another night, with James declaring that he should have died. That it would have been easier. “You made the decision to leave in the end. You saved your life.” He reminded him. 

James shook his head. “I was willing to die there, Q. I’m not sure why I left anyway.” 

Disappointment hit him at those words. Deep inside, Q had hoped that he’d been the one who convinced James to leave in the end. But most probably, his survival instincts had simply kicked in. “But you did.” He said quietly. “There’s no use in talking about the past now. You’re here. That’s all that matters.” 

“Sometimes, I wish that I weren’t.” 

These words hit Q even harder. He tried not to flinch, but the tea spilling onto the table betrayed him. He made no attempt to clean up the mess. Again, James’ eyes followed his movements, but the frown on his face was replaced by another emotion Q could identify. Sadness. 

“I thought you were getting better.” Q admitted quietly, refusing to look at James any longer. “Did these past months mean nothing to you, James? Was it really all so horrible?” 

“You know that it wasn’t, Q.” James said quietly, regret in his voice. At his own words, maybe? “But this isn’t the life I want. I miss my family. Imagine you could never touch your loved ones again.” 

He sighed. “I did think about it, after I decided to let you move in with me.” Q admitted. “I knew that it would be a nightmare for you. I thought that there might be other things worth living for, if enough time passed. It seems like I was wrong.” He stood up then to grab a towel. The spilled tea was far too close to his laptop for his liking. 

“Q…” James said hesitantly, but he shook his head. 

“You should go and see them. Discuss things with Madeleine. I’m sure you’ll find a solution together.” Even to him, his voice sounded cold. Emotionless. Tired. “If you decide to come back to London, I’m sure Tanner’s offer to help you find a place on your own still stands. There’s no use in you staying here any longer, James. Not when it means nothing anyway.” 

“I never said that!” James argued, his mouth already opening to say more. 

But then, Q’s laptop beeped loudly. Not the sound of an incoming call, but an emergency signal. A Double-Oh was in mortal danger. In an instant, Q was sitting again, reaching for his headphones. He felt a pang of relief to see that it wasn’t 006, but then the realization kicked in that it was 005 who was currently somewhere in central Africa. And who got injured the previous day. 

“005, what is it?” Q asked calmly, his eyes scanning the agent’s vitals. And the location. He held back a curse. “It’s Q on the line, in case you’re wondering.” 

“Q.” 005’s voice echoed in his ears. “It’s so good that you’re here. I might have a problem.” 

“Not a problem.” He kept his voice calm. Reassuring. “We can fix it together. So now tell me exactly what happened.” 

While he talked 005 through the mission, doing everything he could to make sure that the Double-Oh made it back home safely, Q felt James’ eyes on him. Watching him. Listening to his words. He didn’t look at the other man, too focused on his laptop, but he was sure that James sat there for hours, simply staring at him. And occasionally bringing him a steaming cup of tea or some biscuits.

It was thoughtful, considering their previous conversation. 

Somehow, it also felt like goodbye. 

Because when 005 was finally safe and Q was ready to fall into bed, James was gone. 

Chapter Text

Twenty-four hours after leaving London, James was sitting in a small café in a town in the south of France opposite from Madeleine Swann. They’d decided that it would be best to meet without Mathilde being there first to discuss the situation again. James had agreed to Madeleine’s suggestion, knowing that it also wouldn’t be easy for him to refrain from touching them. 

So now he was sitting there, holding a cup of coffee tightly in both hands. It was a gesture he’d seen Q doing several times over the past months. Until now, James had never understood the need to have something to hold on to. But he had to keep his hands busy. Otherwise, he would do something stupid. Like reaching out to touch her smooth skin. He’d done it dozens of times in the past. An innocent gesture. But not anymore. Not with her or their daughter. Or anyone else in this small town, he’d realized quickly. Because everyone he touched would be a risk to them as well. In such a small place, it was inevitable that the people would touch over time. Was it in a place like this, on other workplaces or the children at school. 

As he thought of Q, James felt a pang of regret. He’d just left the previous night while Q was still busy with 005. The situation hadn’t sounded good, but James had faith that Q would keep the other Double-Oh safe and make sure that he came home. For some time, he’d just sat there and watched the other man work. It was always fascinating to see Q focus on a task, completely lost in his own world. James had brought him tea and some biscuits, knowing that the younger man often forgot about those things while he was working. 

In the end, however, James knew that he couldn’t stay forever. He had to see his family. So he’d left at some point without saying goodbye. 

The guilt he felt at that made his stomach twist. 

“James, are you even listening to me?” Madeleine’s voice ripped him out of his thoughts. She’d just been explaining about the friends Mathilde had already made when thoughts of the Quartermaster had distracted him. 

He nodded. “I’m sorry, I just got distracted for a moment.” He made a vague gesture at her hands on the table. He hated how Madeleine leaned back at this. “So what about the son of the baker in town?” 

She didn’t look convinced at his explanation, but kept talking anyway. James asked lots of questions, both about how Mathilde was doing and Madeleine’s thoughts about the whole situation. She also explained again why she’d been so hesitant to talk to him at first. 

“I can’t risk her.” She said simply, a mixture of emotions on her face. Sadness, regret, longing. “That’s why I didn’t call during your recovery. I thought that it was for the best.” 

“But now we’re here.” James threw in softly. 

Her smile looked shaky. “Now we’re here.” She agreed. “I think Mathilde understands that she needs to give you space. Will you come over to our place tomorrow?” 

James smiled. “I’d love that.” 

Seeing his daughter again both felt like a blessing and torture. 

Mathilde was wonderful. James had never expected to have a daughter one day, so he counted her existence alone as a small miracle. She had his eyes and her mother’s smile. And she was smart for her age. He knew that she would achieve something great one day. 

It was also horrible because he couldn’t hold her in his arms. They always had to keep their distance from each other. No matter how much he wanted it, he would never be able to touch her. To place a hand on her shoulder or take her hand. To wipe away strands of hair from her face. 

He kept telling himself that this was enough. Simply being able to see and talk to them. It was more than he could have ever hoped for. 

He kept visiting them regularly for a few days and James enjoyed the time with them. He was happy. He had his family back. It was all he’d ever wanted. He could talk to Mathilde and watch her play for hours. Once, James even played ball with her in their small garden. Such activities were safe because there was no physical contact. But as soon as they stepped inside and she asked if he could continue playing with her, he gently refused. The risk was too high then. 

On the fourth day, he first asked himself if this was what his future would look like. Being with two people, but never able to touch them. Always having to be on guard, even though those two were the ones he trusted most. Never able to fully relax. 

The doubts kept getting stronger as the days passed. Soon, he’d been staying in that small village for a week. 

A week in which he didn’t have any contact with MI6. Most probably, they’d decided to let him be with his family for a while before asking whether he’d return to London. He was glad about it, though something started bothering him the more days passed. 

He hadn’t heard a single thing from Q ever since he left the house that night. Actually, he’d planned to apologize for what he’d said. There had been so much hurt on Q’s face when James said that he should have died, it still made his heart ache to think of it. However, he hadn’t called the younger man, too afraid that Q might judge him, after all. 

It wasn’t as if James hadn’t seen the disappointment on Q’s face when he’d announced his departure. In fact, the Quartermaster had always looked a little unhappy when their conversation turned in the direction of his family. At the time, James hadn’t thought of it that much. He’d believed that Q’s feelings were due to his compassion for James’ situation. Now he wasn’t so sure anymore, though. Maybe Q didn’t want him to leave because he simply liked having James around. 

A week after his arrival in France, Madeline asked James to go on a walk together one evening. It was nothing unusual, but the look on her face made him pause. It was a look he’d seen on her face before, back when they’d still been in London. Something was wrong. 

“Mathilde is wonderful.” He said while they walked on the beach. So far, Madeleine hadn’t spoken and James didn’t like the silence. It had never bothered him with her before. 

“She is.” Madeleine agreed with a small smile. “She’s learning fast, I bet soon she’ll be smarter than all of us together.” 

He chuckled quietly. “That wouldn’t surprise me.” Though she’d surely never be as smart as Q, he added in his thoughts. There were few people who could say that about themselves. 

“James…” Madeleine hesitated. “It’s great that you’re here. And I enjoyed our time together very much. But I don’t think that it can stay like this.” 

He glanced at her, having already suspected that the conversation would be about this. “You mean with me stopping by from time to time?” He spent his nights in a small hotel close by, too afraid to be with them at night when they all had their guards down.

“I mean all of this. Us. Always keeping our distance. You won’t even get too close to the others in town.” Her expression was sad. 

“For your safety.” He threw in softly. “I can’t risk you.” 

Madeleine sighed. “I know that. And I understand. But others don’t. Mathilde doesn’t understand it. It will be years until she can fully comprehend why our situation is this difficult.” Again, this hesitation. “I don’t want her to grow up like this. Afraid of touching others.” 

James couldn’t say that he was completely surprised by this. He’d noticed the way Madeleine looked at him sometimes, when she thought that he didn’t pay attention. Or how closely she always watched him with Mathilde. His heart broke at her words anyway. “What do you mean, Madeleine?” 

“I think we both know that this wouldn’t be forever.” She said quietly, her voice barely audible over the sound of the waves and the wind. There was so much sadness in her eyes and James had to fight the urge to reach out and pull her into his arms. He could never do that again.

He swallowed. “You don’t want me to stay here.” 

“It’s making you unhappy as well.” She threw in. “Don’t act like it doesn’t. I can see it, James.” 

James shook his head. “I want to be with you two, Madeleine. You’re my family.” 

“Of course we are. But it doesn’t change anything.” She smiled sadly. “And don’t pretend that you’re not thinking of London from time to time.” 

“I didn’t hear a single thing from there ever since I came here.” He argued. 

She didn’t look convinced. “Hearing from them and missing them are two different things. You never told me how Q is, by the way. After all, you’ve been living with him these past months.” They’d told her about the arrangement before her departure from London. However, James wasn’t sure why she mentioned it now. 

He frowned at her. “I’ve been staying with him, yes. But why should that be of any importance now? I left without saying goodbye. Most probably, he’s happy that I’m gone.” Q’s words came back to his mind. If you decide to come back to London, I’m sure Tanner’s offer to help you find a place on your own still stands. There’s no use in you staying here any longer, James. Not when it means nothing anyway. It meant something. More than he could ever explain to the younger man. During those first weeks, Q’s presence had been all that kept him sane. He had been James’ lifeline. And he still was, in a way. 

It was true, James had thought about the Quartermaster often in those past days. But only now did he realize that he missed him. 

“I’m sure he won’t be happy about that at all.” Madeleine argued. “He likes you, James.” 

“We’re friends.” He replied with a nod. 

Madeleine looked at him thoughtfully and shook her head, a mixture of sadness and longing in her eyes. “You’re in love with him.” 

James stared at her in surprise. “Q?” 

She nodded. “I’ve been wondering about it before, but ever since your arrival last week, it’s obvious. You might have been glad to see us, but you’re not happy, James.”

“I’m not in love with Q.” James threw in, but his heart started to race at the words. At what they might mean. 

He’d enjoyed all this time with Q very much. He liked their endless discussions about bad action movies or books they both read. He wanted to see the Quartermaster happy, no matter if he needed to make breakfast or kick 004’s ass to make it happen. He hated it when other men got too close to him or started flirting, like the one time he’d caught 004 doing just that. When Q was upset, he got angry at whoever caused it, even if it was himself. He thought that he was brilliant and smart and wonderful. He could stare into those green eyes forever and still discover something new about them. He loved the way Q’s hair was curly in the morning, before he’d taken care of it and smoothed it back. Or late in the evening when he sat in front of a laptop, a concentrated expression on his face. 

But did all that mean that he was in love with Q? 

“From the look on your face, I know that you were just lying.” Madeleine said slowly. Just like Q, she had always been too smart for her own good. “I want you to be happy, James. It’s something we can’t do anymore. At least not completely. There will always be this distance between us. And I know that you also don’t want things to stay like this forever.” 

“But Madeleine, I love you.” He felt like he’d lost control of the situation. All those months, he’d only had one goal. Returning to his family. Now that he finally had them back, Madeleine told him that he was in love with someone else. 

Her smile was sad. “I never doubted that. But I think you love him more. Or why else would you have kept track of him, even back when we were seeing the world together?” 

He’d never told her about it. That he’d tried to find out as much about Q’s life as possible. It had always been on the back of his mind, no matter where he went. It was like James needed Q to be safe, or else he couldn’t relax. 

But had that been love? Or simply caring for a friend? 

“I can’t just leave you two.” He tried again, wanting her to understand that he’d always choose them first. They were his family, after all. 

“Just like we can’t have you around all the time.” She argued. “Mathilde is still young. There will be a moment in which she forgets all caution, no matter how much we warn her about it.” 

“Then I’ll just be careful enough for the both of us.” 

Madeleine shook her head. “You don’t need to hold on any longer, James. It’s okay, you can be with him. I know it’s what you want, even if you might try to convince yourself otherwise.” 

James felt tears begin to form in his eyes. “I would never betray you with anyone else.” 

“You won’t be. I’m setting you free, James.” She was also crying, but made no attempt to wipe away the tears. “You two could be happy together, I’m sure of it.”

“I don’t want anyone else. I want you, Madeleine. You and Mathilde.” He blinked furiously, refusing to let the tears fall. 

“I think after the events on that island, we always knew that a future together wouldn’t be possible anymore.” She turned away from him, looking at the ocean. “You can stay for a few more days. Think over it. You can either believe my words or you don’t. But I think in the end, you should go back to London, James.” Then she started to walk back towards the house. 

James, on the other hand, sank onto his knees in the sand, feeling more lost than ever before. 

He sat on the beach for hours, trying to process Madeleine’s words. 

At first, James thought that she’d lost her mind. In love with Q? How should that even be possible? He’d never been attracted to men before. He’d always liked women. In his age, things didn’t simply change. He had to admit that he always found Q quite cute, with his sharp green eyes and the dark curls, but that’s it. Just an observation, nothing else. And of course he liked the Quartermaster. James always had a weakness for the smart ones. 

Maybe Madeleine had just been looking for a way out. However, he doubted that she would lie to him. Not about something like this. And she was always very observant. It was one of the things James liked most about her. 

Could there be something true about her words, then? 

He tried to think of every interaction he ever had with Q, back from their first meeting at the National Gallery until James left him the previous week. He’d been skeptical about the new Quartermaster at first, but that feeling quickly changed. While James had expected Q to be inexperienced or make mistakes, he had proven him wrong in a matter of weeks. Q was perfect for the job. Intelligent, efficient and he was able to deal with the Double-Oh’s himself. Which wasn’t as easy as it sounded. James could tell from experience that the Double-Oh agents could be very difficult at times. 

He had soon considered Q not only a coworker (and technically a superior), but also a friend. After all, he’d helped him with the whole Spectre disaster without asking questions. In fact, Q had always supported him, no matter how many stupid decisions James made or how much of his equipment he brought back in pieces. 

Madeleine had been right. He had kept track of Q, even when he wasn’t at MI6 anymore. Leaving the other man out of sight for too long made him feel uncomfortable. They lived in a dangerous world and Q had one of the most risky positions at MI6. If someone ever wanted information, he was their first target next to M himself. Even now, after only a week, James started to feel uneasy and wondered how the other man was doing. And that had nothing to do with the guilt he felt for leaving without saying goodbye. 

Ever since he’d moved in with Q, James’ feelings had changed again. Q wasn’t just a friend anymore, but something else he couldn’t really describe. He stood by James, no matter how terribly he acted. He tried to make the situation better, even if he didn’t have to. That he’d even offered to let James stay with him was more than anyone could expect. After all, it hadn’t just been a few nights in his guest room. James’ stay had been far longer. It must have changed Q’s whole routine to have him there. However, he’d never complained. 

He thought of all those long nights on the couch, either reading books or watching movies. How he’d tried to teach Q how to cook. Their dinners together, which had been surprisingly fun. Watching Q work for hours, either sitting close by or out of the shadows. All the times he’d visited Q Branch ever since he started to work again. How he’d always known that Q would work too much and take too little care of himself. He’d dragged the other man home more than once. 

But weren’t those all things friends did? 

You’ve been jealous of 004, a quiet voice inside his head whispered. He wanted to ask Q out and it made you furious. It was true, though he didn’t even understand his own feelings at that time. Back then, he’d only known that he would never let Q go out with that man. He had a reputation, after all. But on the other hand, so did James himself. 

He’d also refused the offer to get a place on his own. He’d wanted to stay with Q. As simple as that. The idea of his own flat had sounded surprisingly empty. Lonely. No one had ever asked him why he’d made the decision to stay with the Quartermaster, but James knew that Q had been wondering. After that, he’d often regarded James with curiosity. 

Even now did James miss the other man. Their easy conversations and how Q would always smile widely at him. Most of the time, James couldn’t help himself and smiled back automatically. Because one thing was for sure. Without Q, he wouldn’t have survived those last months. 

In fact, he wouldn’t be there at all without Q. Suddenly, James remembered something with surprising clarity. An island far away. The pain from where he’d been stabbed together with the dizziness that came with blood loss. The agony from knowing that he’d been poisoned. The certainty that he was going to die. The knowledge that it was better if he died. 

And a voice shouting at him. 

You selfish bastard! It’s not over! You can’t leave us alone. I won’t let you leave me! Not now. Maybe not ever. Now move your ass and get away from there!

I won’t let you leave me, Q had shouted. Not leave us. Me. Like James’ survival was important for him. Like he needed James to stay alive, as ridiculous as that thought might be. 

Or not so ridiculous, after all. Images of Q’s expression in certain situations flooded James’ mind. How anxious he’d looked every time James talked to Madeleine. The pain on his face when James mentioned that he’d rather be dead. The relief on his face when James came back after a mission uninjured. The emptiness in his eyes when he mentioned that James should rather look for a place on his own. 

He jumped to his feet, suddenly realizing that it was already dark. The sky was filled with stars. 

Q had saved James’ life. He’d left the island because of the Quartermaster. Because some part of James had known that he couldn’t leave him alone. That he needed him too.

“I’m in love with Q.” James whispered to himself. 

Then he began to run back to his hotel. 

Despite wanting to return to London as fast as possible, James visited Madeleine and Mathilde again the next morning. It was Mathilde who opened the door. As she saw him, she called for her mother, running through the house with merry steps. James watched her with a smile, sometimes still wondering how such a cheerful little girl could be his daughter. 

He found Madeleine in the garden with her laptop. “I’m looking for jobs.” She said as James approached. “The time to stay at home is over.” 

“I’m sure you’ll find something to your liking.” He replied with a nod. 

She looked at him for a long moment. “You’re leaving.” It wasn’t a question. Her voice was very even when she said it, but he could hear a hint of regret. 

“It’s for the better.” James said. “I’m sure the others are already wondering when I’ll be back.” 

“So you’re going back to Q?” 

James sighed deeply. “I’ve been thinking about what you said yesterday. It seems like I’ve been blind all this time. I always considered him as one of my closest friends.” 

Madeleine smiled sadly. “I knew it the moment he somehow convinced you to leave that island.” She admitted quietly. 

This made him stare at her. “How do you know about that?” 

Her expression turned to bemused. “The contact to you suddenly broke up. I already wondered whether the line of communication simply wasn’t working anymore with the missiles, but then I saw Q’s face when they came to collect us. He looked like he was about to die himself. And not just because he’s afraid of flying.” 

“How do you know – Nevermind.” James shook his head, amazed by her observations. “I didn’t even know what made me leave until last night.” 

“That’s because you didn’t want to see it.” She said simply. “When will you be gone?” 

He glanced at his watch. “I need to be on my way to the airport in half an hour.” 

Madeleine didn’t look surprised. “So this is goodbye.” 

“At least for now.” He agreed. “I would like to come back and visit, if you want me to.” 

“I’m sure Mathilde would like that.” She agreed with a nod. “And I will also be glad to see you again.”

“I’ll miss you.” He said the words quietly. “And I can never thank you enough for what you did.” 

This seemed to take her by surprise. “What did I ever do for you, James?” 

“Back when we first met, you saved me. Gave my life a meaning. And yesterday, you did it again.” 

She looked at him for a long moment. “If I could, I would give you a hug now.” 

He smiled. “Likewise.” 

“I don’t mind.” She said suddenly. “That you’ll be with him. I want you to be happy, James.” 

“Just like I want you to find someone who can make you happy as well, Madeleine.” The words didn’t hurt as much as expected. “And we’ll see about Q. Most probably, he doesn’t even want me anymore after everything that happened.” 

This made her laugh. “As if he could ever not want you, James. If something’s the matter, just call me. I’m always there to talk. And of course you can call to check on Mathilde.” 

“I should say goodbye to her as well.” He said. After letting him inside, the girl had vanished in her room again. 

“Then let’s go.” Madeleine stood up and together, they made their way upstairs. 

James didn’t announce that he was on his way back to London. He didn’t feel this nervous in a long time and wasn’t prepared for anyone to ask many questions. He didn’t want to tell anyone about his and Madeleine’s decision to part ways yet. He needed to talk to Q first. 

It wasn’t that late in the afternoon and James already feared that Q might not be home yet. He could of course go and see him at Q Branch, but somehow, he had the feeling that they should better have this conversation in private. 

When he saw light shining through one of the windows, James felt a glimmer of hope. Q seemed to be home, after all. 

Before he could let his doubts win and leave again, he rang the doorbell. 

The door way opened minutes later by a confused looking Q. “James?” He asked, sounding startled. “What are you doing here?” 

James took a moment to simply look at the man in front of him. It seemed as if Q had recently returned from work. He was still wearing jeans and a dark red shirt. His hair was disheveled and his glasses were a little askew on his nose. He also had dark rings under his eyes and looked pale. It had only been a little over a week since James left, but he had the feeling that the younger man was thinner than before. 

“Q. Can I come in?” He asked back, hating how insecure he sounded. 

“I… Yes, of course. But why are you here?” Q stepped aside, letting James enter the house. The front door closed behind them with a quiet thud. “I thought you were with your family.” 

He nodded. “I was. But now I’m here again.” He ran a hand through his hair, suddenly feeling a little lost. Where could he start this conversation?

Q seemed to sense his problem. He gestured for James to follow him and began to prepare tea in the kitchen. “Maybe you should start at the beginning.” He suggested, eyes wandering to James as often as he wasn’t focusing on the task at hand. There was a mixture of emotions on Q’s face, but one was more prominent than the others. Caution. James supposed that he deserved it after everything he did. 

“I need to apologize, Q.” He said as soon as they were both sitting on the couch. “For all the things I said right before I left. And for leaving without saying goodbye first.” 

The Quartermaster stared at him as if he’d seen a ghost. “You came back here to apologize? But James, there’s nothing to apologize for. I understand how difficult the whole situation must have been for you, so –” He couldn’t believe it. After everything James had said, Q was ready to forgive him that easily? 

“That’s not true.” He argued, shaking his head. “Please don’t blame it all on what happened on that island. I was unfair to you, Q. I acted as if all this time with you meant nothing to me. As if I didn’t care. But I care. I enjoyed living here with you.” 

“James…” Q was clearly overwhelmed by this conversation. For once, he was at a loss for words. 

So James would do the talking this time. “I had a long conversation with Madeleine. About how the future would look like. It was great to be with her and Mathilde again. You should see Mathilde, Q, she’s amazing. However, it was also exhausting for all of us. Not being able to touch them is one thing when you hear it in theory, but really doing it? After a week, we were all on edge.” He breathed in deeply. “Madeleine and I agreed that it would be best to go our separate ways.” 

Q was still staring at him. “You… you decided… But you wanted to go back to them so badly.” His voice was quiet, barely more than a whisper. 

“I did.” He agreed. “I think part of me will always love her. And Mathilde is my daughter, so I’m sure that I’ll go back to see them regularly. But I couldn’t stay there. It wasn’t just them. There’s a whole town and someone there might always have physical contact with Madeleine or Mathilde.” 

Q nodded slowly, understanding in his eyes. “So you separated to keep them safe.” 

When James shook his head, the confused frown on Q’s face deepened. “It’s not just that. I might have realized something about myself.” 

“James, you’re not making any sense.” Q said. The younger man was looking more overwhelmed than anything. James knew that his visit must have taken him by surprise and he really wasn’t that good with words. At least not when it came to his own feelings.

“I’m getting there.” He replied with a smile, though he knew that he was looking nervous. Most probably, Q thought that he’d lost his mind for real this time. “When I first came to live here, I was in a bad place. You know that better than anyone else. I’d nearly lost my life and I’d lost my family. I thought that there was nothing left for me to keep living. But I realized that I was wrong about it.” 

He reached out to touch Q’s hands hesitantly, not sure whether the movement was welcome. However, Q made no attempt to pull away. They both stared at their hands for a long moment. James had never before appreciated the feeling of physical contact until the previous week. 

“I started to enjoy my time here with you, Q. Our long conversations about books or bad action movies. The endless discussions about everything that came to our minds. Even just sitting here and watching you work.” He swallowed. “It’s you who’s been keeping me sane those past months, Q.” James said, taking the younger man’s face in his hands. “You saved my life on that island, reminding me that there’s a reason to live. A reason to go on, or at least try to do so. It’s been you all along, Q. I was just too stupid to realize it.” 

“What made you change your mind?” Q asked quietly, his green eyes wide. 

“I missed you terribly once I left. And maybe Madeleine told me that I’m being stupid.” 

It seemed to be the last thing the genius expected. His eyebrows rose in shock. “Madeleine told you to come back to me?” 

James nodded. “She might have known about my feelings all along, even if I didn’t realize it.” 

“So you…” 

“I love you, Q.” James said quietly. “I know that I’m not easy to be with. It might also put you in terrible danger. But it’s true. I’ve been in love with you for some time now.” 

Tears were running down Q’s cheeks and James wiped them away gently. “I love you too, James.” The Quartermaster whispered. “For a long, long time.” 

James stared at him. “You never said anything.” Of course he’d already started to suspect that Q might have feelings for him, but he’d never expected to hear it from him so soon. 

“I never thought that there was the slightest chance you could return my feelings. First you were grieving Vesper. Then M. And when you met Madeleine…” He shook his head. “I knew I could never compete with that.” 

“You could.” James threw in softly. “Even when I was with Madeleine, I kept checking on you, wanting to make sure that you’re safe. I always blamed it on our friendship, but maybe I already knew back then that you’re important to me.” 

The quiet sob escaping Q’s lips at that made James lean forward and capture his lips in a kiss. Q’s lips were surprisingly soft and he inhaled sharply as their lips touched, making James pull back instinctively. But Q followed his movements, sealing their lips together once more. 

“I’m dreaming, ain’t I?” Q asked quietly as they drew back. There were still tears running down his cheeks. “This can’t possibly be happening. You left. I thought you’d never come back again.” 

James pulled Q closer. “I’m sorry that I made you feel this way, Q. I’m here. I came back to you. And I’ll stay, if you want me to.” 

The smile on Q’s lips was the most beautiful thing James had ever seen. “You know that this is a dangerous offer, James. I might never let you go again.” 

James smiled back at him. “I’m counting on that.” 

This time, it was Q who leaned in to kiss him again. James knew that there were lots of things they had to talk about. He would also need to apologize many more times and earn back Q’s trust after everything that happened. But for now, they were both happy to be together again. 

Q worked from home that Friday. Since they didn’t announce James’ presence back in London yet, they had the whole weekend to themselves. Now that they’d talked about everything, James wondered how he couldn’t have known about his feelings before. Because he obviously felt attracted to the younger man. He was also surprised that he didn’t notice the way Q looked at him yet. Either he hadn’t been paying enough attention or the Quartermaster had been hiding his feelings very well. 

Then Monday was there and before James knew it, he was walking the hallways of MI6 again. M looked surprised to see him back, but he informed him about his next mission without hesitation. On his way to Q Branch, he raised his eyebrows at a grinning Moneypenny. “I met Q on my way upstairs.” She explained. “I’m happy for you. But if you ever hurt him, I’ll kill you slowly, James. Understood?” 

He grinned back at her. “It’s good to see you too, Moneypenny.” 

To his surprise, he met another person on his way downstairs. He’d just pressed the button in the elevator when 004 slipped inside right before the doors closed. “So you’re back, after all.” He said. 

“Did you wish that I wouldn’t return?” James asked quietly. 

“One can always hope.” 004 replied. He was silent for a moment. “I’m glad you’re back, though. Q has missed you terribly. I always knew that you had a thing for him and that the feeling’s mutual. It’s good you finally came to your senses.” 

It was James’ turn to stare at the other man in surprise. But 004 wasn’t done yet. “If you hurt him, I’ll make sure you’ll suffer a long and painful death.” 

“You’re not the first person to say that to me today.” James muttered. “I have no intention to hurt him.” 

“That’s good.” The elevator opened again to reveal the main hallway of MI6. “I’ll see you around, Bond.” Then the other man was gone, leaving James alone for the rest of the ride to Q Branch. 

He was still pondering about that conversation when he noticed that Q was already waiting for him, a wide smile on his lips. “Ah, 007! Welcome back at work!” He greeted him as if they didn’t just arrive together an hour ago. There was a mischievous gleam in Q’s eyes. 

“Q.” James greeted him back, bowing his head slightly. They’d agreed to keep their relationship secret at work for now. But when he thought of the conversation with 004 again, James wasn’t sure if they’d be so successful with that. 

“Did you come to get information on your next mission?” The Quartermaster asked. 

James nodded. “But first, I think I should tell you about an interesting encounter with 004.” 

That night, they were lying in bed together, James’ arms wrapped around Q’s waist. “I can’t believe that 004 knew.” Q muttered, still surprised by James’ story. “That Eve knew wasn’t a surprise, that woman notices everything. Even Madeleine makes sense. But 004?” 

James chuckled. “He’s been more observant than we gave him credit for.” He let his lips wander over Q’s cheek. “I’m glad that he’s staying away from you now, though.” 

Q turned his head so their lips were touching. “Me too.” He whispered between kisses. “I love you, James.” 

He smiled against Q’s lips. “I love you too, Q.” 

The road up until this moment had been long and filled with lots of pain, but James knew that it had been worth it. He had been given a choice back on that island. Either he could die or he could decide to keep living. Dying was easy. It was living that was the scary thing. He’d chosen the difficult option back then. The option that, in the end, led him to Q. To the love of his life. Q’s voice had saved him and he knew that he would keep saving him, day by day.