Chapter Text
Chris found himself in the middle of his repetitive daily routine—heading to Hannah and Beth’s graves. He’d bought flowers. Pink roses for Hannah, her favorite color. And white for Beth. They were bundled into one, the pink and the white complementing one another.
As Chris made his way along the sidewalk he noticed the exceptionally cold air. It was already that time of the year wasn’t it? It would be a whole year since Josh was gone.
Chris held onto the roses tightly, pushing the thought away. Then the wind started to kick up. ‘Fuck, it’s cold.’ He thought. Per usual, Chris was layered in warm jackets and coats but that cold breeze was still a slap to the face.
Finally, Chris had made it to the cemetery. His eyes scanned for Hannah and Beth’s stones and once he’d laid eyes on them, nothing could take back what he’d just seen. Who he had just seen.
It was Josh. Josh. He was standing there hovering over their graves with this detached gaze. He hadn’t even heard Chris coming. ‘God, is that really him?’ The blond couldn’t believe his eyes.
He stood there a moment studying the other man, who lacked a proper coat or jacket. Josh looked to be exceptionally thinner than before. His face looked tired and he shook slightly. Probably because of the cold. He still had that natural beautiful tan though, and Chris could see the length of his lashes from here. For how long could the blond keep staring? He’d hoped forever. There wouldn’t ever be enough time to take in the sight of the one he’d missed for so long.
The flowers slipped from his hands. It was the sound of the roses hitting the ground that alerted Josh. The brunette immediately tensed, turning at what made the noise. And there were those green eyes that Chris adored so much.
”Josh.” Was all he could muster. The two just stared at each other. The brunette wore this pained expression that made his heart ache. Josh opened his mouth as if he were going to speak but he ultimately failed to say anything at all, his gaze falling to the ground.
The blond couldn’t take the distance anymore and rushed over to him taking the shorter man into a desperate embrace. It was tight as hell and Josh swore he’d lost his breath for a moment. The brunette slowly brought his arms up and then wrapped them around Chris’s back with just as much desperation, if not more.
The blond was surprised by how much the brunette was clawing at his back, “Josh..”, again, it was all he could manage. The name felt so foreign on his tongue. He’d missed saying it. He’d missed him.
Chris felt his eyes burning, tears threatening to spill. ‘Shit, if Josh sees me crying he’ll totally think I’m pathetic and—‘ , there was an abrupt sob that broke the silence, but it wasn’t Chris who was crying. The blond watched as Josh shook in his arms, a sad whine escaping from him, “J-Josh?” Chris’s voice wavered.
Josh never cried. Never. But here he was, sobbing in Chris’s arms. And man, did it scare the hell out of the blond.
”I’m s-sorry. So sorry.” The brunette cried.
Chris only held him tighter, “It’s okay.” Closer.
”N-no it’s not, you didn’t de-deserve that. Any of it. Y-you can’t just s-say ‘it’s okay.’” Josh’s remorse was clear as day, his tears wetting the pale skin of Chris’s neck, where the shorter man had his face buried. It made the blond feel sick to his stomach, hearing Josh like this.
”Okay, then.. how about an, ‘I forgive you.’” Chris’s tone was slightly playful, blinking away the wetness in his eyes.
”H-how can you..?” Josh’s voice was muffled. How could he? The brunette had put Chris through hell. He made him think that he killed his best friend since the third grade. And it was even more confusing when Mike made it a point to add that Chris wasn’t even involved in the prank that killed Hannah and Beth.
Still, Chris felt guilt for it, even if he hadn’t been apart of it. And what point was there in trying to rationalize any of what Josh did when he was so clearly anything but at the time. He was unwell. And all Chris knew was that he should’ve seen it sooner.
“Let me see you, man.” Chris took him by the shoulders, separating the two for a moment. Blue eyes scanned Josh, worry engrained in them. Josh hated to see it.
His face was stained with tears, prominent dark circles were under those endearing green eyes, and he’d clearly lost a significant amount of weight. The grip he had on his shoulders and the lack of fat on Josh’s face told him so.
”You look like shit.” Chris teased. The brunette quickly wiped his tears away.
”So do you.” His tone lacked its usual playfulness. The blond frowned.
”Fuck, man.. when did you get out?” Josh’s gaze was strictly on the blond, the pain in his expression stubborn.
”Left the loony-bin a week ago.” A half-smile crept its way onto his face, though he was anything but happy. Relieved would be a better word. Seeing Chris again? Chris forgiving him? He was glad but it also made him feel like shit.
The blond shook his head, “Don’t.. call it that.” He cringed at Josh’s poor wording.
”What? That’s what it is.” The brunette mumbled.
”Josh—“
”They got me on new meds.” He hugged himself awkwardly, the cold nipping at his skin. The blond eyeing the way Josh shook at the cold breeze.
He unzipped one of his jackets, ”New meds? How are they?” Chris asked as he took off one of his jackets and draped it around the brunette. Josh stared up at him with those big sad eyes in disbelief, “Come on man, you’re totally freezing your ass off.” Josh hesitated before sliding his arms into the sleeves of the jacket.
”Thanks, Chris.” He fidgeted with the zipper of the jacket. It was always ‘Cochise’, not ‘Chris.’ Hearing Josh say his actual name felt weird. He wasn’t sure if it meant that they were closer or more distant, and he was too afraid to ask.
”I know I’ve never.. really talked about it but I… I have depression. Even before what happened to..”, he paused unable to finish.
Then Chris realized it. Well, not exactly in that moment. It had actually been a while ago.
While on the mountain, before Sam was kidnapped by the ‘psycho’, she’d found medical records. Josh’s medical records.
She’d told Chris about them a week after everything had happened. How Josh had been diagnosed with depression, due to an incident that occurred when he was just eleven.
It was something that Chris had never been told about. He’d wondered if Hannah and Beth had ever known of Josh’s troubles.
That wasn’t all Sam found though. Once Hannah and Beth went missing, Josh had attempted to kill himself by overdosing on the medication he was on for his depression.
When Sam had told him, the guilt Chris felt was overwhelming.
When they were kids, all those days Josh had skipped school. The rather frequent doctor visits. They weren’t physical examinations. Those doctor notes had been from a psychiatrist, not a physician.
And after Hannah and Beth’s disappearances, Chris hadn’t visited Josh as much as he’d meant to. He was grieving and didn’t want to lean on Josh, of course. But now with what he knew? The thought that he almost would’ve had to grieve Josh at the same time was horrifying. Oh, how he’d wished he’d just been by Josh’s side more. Even if the brunette claimed he wanted to be alone. He should’ve just been there.
“But apparently I’ve also got schizophrenia… haha..!” He shrugged awkwardly, pulling the blond from the depths of his mind.
Chris felt his heart sink, ”Holy shit, Josh..”, he felt like such a crappy friend, because how could he not know? That’s how he thought anyway.
”Don’t look at me like that.” Josh mumbled. It was already hard for him to be vulnerable, and to make Chris feel guilty on top of it? That was the last thing he wanted. “You couldn’t have known.” He added.
”I should’ve.” Chris retorted.
”I don’t think you have an M.D., man. It wasn’t.. I’m not your responsibility.” The brunette crossed his arms. “Never wanted to be… it’s one of the reasons I never told you anything.”
He sighed noticing how closed off Josh now looked. He wanted to ask why Josh hadn’t confided in him. Hadn’t told him anything, even with how long they’d been friends. But he knew now wasn’t the time. ”I’m sorry.” Green eyes pierced through blue ones.
”Don’t apologize, Chris. Seriously, I really don’t… that’s not why I’m telling you this.” Josh tried to get his point across. The blond only nodded in full understanding. The brunette sounded pretty articulate and at least that made Chris feel at ease.
There was an awkward silence before Josh continued, “The doctors.. uh… they said that the meds that I was on weren’t helping with the schizophrenia at all.. and that I was going through this thing called psychosis… uhm.. because I got off of them out of no where… and with the depression and schizophrenia combined it uh—.. it made me see all this shit that wasn’t real and… I.. I mean I totally went batshit crazy, huh?” Josh laughed sadly, looking away from the taller man.
”Don't say that.” He placed a hand on his shoulder, “Please… you’re not—“
”Not crazy?” Josh finished for him staring directly at him. The blond took his hand from the shorter man’s shoulders, figuring it wouldn’t do him any good.
Chris bent down and picked up the roses he’d dropped, standing up right. His gaze shifted from the roses to Josh. “Brought these for Hannah and Beth.” He walked past Josh whose eyes followed the blond as he went, “I’m surprised you actually visit. I thought these were just ‘a couple of stones.’” Chris placed the roses down between the girls grave stones.
Josh made his way next to Chris. “I didn’t know where else to go.” The blond looked over, “to y’know.. mourn them.” He watched as Josh’s eyes watered and the blond instantly regretted making the jab.
‘Sorry.’ Chris shook his head, ‘He wouldn’t like that.’ So, he tried something else, “They’d be proud of you. I know Beth would.” He mentioned. Josh laughed at that.
”They’d be proud that their big brother pulled a prank that almost got their friends killed?” Josh joked. What Chris said seemed ridiculous to him.
”They’d be proud that their big brother is getting better.” The blond tried. Josh looked up at Chris who smiled that sweet smile of his. “Hannah would’ve written you the sweetest letter while you were in the hospital and Beth would’ve visited you like everyday. And they’d.. they would… I just.. I would’ve if I could’ve.. seen you, you know?” He paused again, “I’m proud of you.”
Josh felt his lips part in utter disbelief. How could Chris still talk good about him? Even after all this time, how could he smile at Josh like that? The brunette felt his eyes burn and his lips quivered, upsetting himself all the more. He didn’t want to cry. Not in front of Chris. Not again.
The blond noticed his pained expression and panicked, “Josh? Shit—! I didn’t mean to make you upset!” He placed his hands on his shoulders, leaning in a bit to get a good look at his friend.
”Stop it.. just… stop!” Josh’s breathing stuttered, “I’m not.. I don’t want you to feel like you have to forgive me or l-like you have to deal with me.” Josh voiced his thoughts, finally. The blond, taken aback, shook his head confused.
‘Deal with you? Fuck..’, Chris’s brows were knitted together in frustration, “What? Josh, that’s not what’s happening at all.” Josh had never opened up to anyone, not really. Not even Chris. The most vulnerable he’d ever been was with Sam, but with Chris? How could he?
After everything, Sam told Chris some of the things Josh used to tell her and it hurt. It hurt because the brunette didn’t feel like he could talk to Chris. Confide in him. But that just wasn’t it.
Out of everyone—everyone—he didn’t want Chris to see him like this. To think he was crazy or unstable. He couldn’t.
Chris knew of Josh’s mental health problems, but not once did he ever hear the brunette express how it actually felt. What he was actually going through.
It hurt to know that Josh didn’t feel like he could open up to Chris about what he was feeling. But to know why? To think that it was because Josh thought himself to be something that had to be ‘dealt with.’ Like a burden? It made Chris feel like a total failure of a friend, as if he didn’t already feel that way before.
“It’s okay, Chris.”
”N-no, no it’s not. Josh, you’re not something that I feel like I have to deal with, and it kind of sucks that you even think that of me. I thought we were close, man. Don’t you know me at all?” Chris’s voice was full of hurt and Josh’s eyebrows furrowed.
He opened his mouth to speak but Chris kept going, “And you know what? I do! I do forgive you for everything. All of the fucked up shit you did that night, but one thing I will never forgive is the fact that you thought I’d choose anyone over you!” Chris rose his voice, which was something he never did. “Fuck man, did you think I didn’t give a shit about you? I just.. I don’t get it.”
The saw prank. He made Chris think he killed him. Josh, with a clear mind now, knew just how fucked up that prank was. “I’m sorry.. my mind was…”, Josh paused realizing something, “wait.” Green eyes landed on baby blues.
”Yeah, Josh. I chose to save you.” Chris admitted, “And then the fucking saw went towards you anyway, and I—! Fuck!” He brought a hand to his head in distress, looking away from the brunette.
”You chose me?” He shook his head in utter disbelief and confusion, “But why?”
“I..”, Chris took a deep breath, “Ash, man.. she’s great and I thought that I loved her. I really thought… but then you.. I realized I couldn’t… I didn’t want to live without you.” He managed. It was silent. Overwhelmingly silent. And Josh’s expression—it was unreadable. So, he kept going.
”You made me think I killed you. And then—!” He laughed in disbelief, “and then I actually almost did get you killed!” Chris shouted, looking at Josh, tears in his eyes. He calmed down, “Then, we got back… we got back to the shed and I thought you were fucking dead and nothing mattered.”
Chris watched as tears fell from those sad, sad green eyes but he didn’t stop, he couldn’t, “Even when I got told they found you alive. I.. I couldn’t function because they wouldn’t let me see you. I’ve done nothing this whole time! I haven’t gone to college, haven’t hung out with Ashley, or anyone mind you! I couldn’t even—! I can’t.. I just… the past year has been hell for me.” He squeezed his eyes shut, tears spilling over.
“Without you there’s nothing. So, I’m not ‘dealing’ with you, Josh. I fucking need you. I mean, you’ve been my best friend since the third grade, man!” His voice was stern.
The brunette just stood there, tears falling from his eyes, mouth agape. Chris took a deep breath before he came close taking Josh into his arms, locking him in his embrace. “And I don’t care if you don’t need me because you’re stuck with me. I don’t care what you say.” Chris’s voice broke into a sob, holding the back of the shorter man’s head close.
”I n-need you.” Josh admitted, voice full of desperation. His voice was quiet but Chris heard him, “I need you, C-Chris.” He repeated, his voice shaking as he held onto the blond. Josh’s legs gave out on him, his emotions overwhelming, but Chris didn’t hesitate to catch his weight. They didn’t part, the hug seeming to last forever.
If Chris knew one thing, it was that he’d never let Josh go ever again.