Chapter Text
“Please try the berries, my liege,” the old man urged the troubled blonde man who was slumped over the rustic table and not seeming to be paying attention to the food that had just been placed before him. "I believe that you will like them if only you would try them."
It was the usual dialogue between these two people who had known each other for so long. The older guy was trying to tempt the younger one into eating, but the younger one just wasn't all that interested in the food spread before him. Yes, the younger one was seated there as if he had come to eat. But truth be told, he was simply there because that was part of his daily routine when he was in residence, and he knew that this was part of his ritual and nothing more.
The seated guy seemed to have the weight of the world squarely on his shoulders and in a way, he did. For this was Thor, son of the mighty Odin and destined from birth to inherit the royal throne of Asgard. But not only had the royal throne been destroyed recently by Surtur, but the whole kingdom of Asgard as well, leaving Thor and the surviving Asgardians homeless. Hopefully, they had found sanctuary at last here on Midgard, but there was so much sadness in their suffering hearts that time would only tell if these peoples would ever feel contented and happy anywhere again. And one of the ones suffering the most was their god Thor.
“The local Norwegians call them lingonberries," the older man explained as tried to keep Thor's wandering attention on the plate of steaming food instead of gazing forlornly out the curtainless window toward the restless ocean raging beyond the coastal bluffs. "And they really are quite tasty to the palate.”
Thor looked up and gave the old man a gentle smile that verged on the sadness that he felt deep in his grieving heart. "I have your guarantee on that?"
"Most assuredly!" Old Hans crowed, happy that he had Thor's attention at last. "They really are a national delicacy! I taste-tested them myself and found them to be quite delicious! They sit lightly on the tongue and are a melody in the stomach!"
Thor's smile deepened with warmth for the old man. Old Hans was a huge favorite of Thor's who had known the old retainer since he had been a youth and Old Hans had presided in the dining room.
"Then I know that I will most assuredly like them myself," Thor confirmed.
Thor glanced at the deep red berry preserves shimmering on his plate next to the local white fish that no doubt had been caught that morning in the nearby bay. Thor was probably more interested in the cooked tubers beside the fish and preserves however, because the starchy vegetable reminded him of familiar family meals back in Asgard where they had always seemed to be part of a meal’s offering.
Thor really had no appetite for any of his dinner this day, not even the fresh greens that had to have been wrestled just that morning also from the unforgiving northern soil and harvested brutally away from the surrounding tough shore grasses. He appreciated the efforts that must have been exerted for his benefit, but Thor wanted nothing to do with what he supposed were tempting morsels gathered and prepared by a kitchen staff intent on piquing his jaded appetite. He just hadn't been that interested in food in a long time, and his body was beginning to suffer from his lack of appropriate nourishment to sustain it. But he doggedly tried to eat something on a daily basis simply to keep up his strength and not to fall ill.
And Thor just wasn't in the mood to eat now even though that he should. He yearned to push away from the table and return to his lonely vigil high on a bluff overlooking a brutal northern sea. But for Old Hans sake, Thor dipped his spoon into the preserves and spread the shimmering ruby gel on a crust of some bread which he then made a show of eating.
Sometimes Thor would halfway enjoy food when Volstagg was in residence in the palace. It always seemed easier to eat when a crowd was around because there would be talking and other distractions to divert Thor's attention away from his sorrows and regrets. Food almost seemed to disappear into Thor's mouth at those times, and he almost allowed himself to be contented by the company of his friends, the Warriors Three.
But Volstagg was not here at the moment, and neither was Hogun or Fandral. Even the ladies of Thor's extended family, Sif and Valkyrie, were absent. And Thor was missing the presence of all of them. But they had their own lives, he realized. And they probably did not enjoy watching a morose Thor destroying himself by wishing himself dead so he could rejoin his birth family. Goodness only knew that his friends tried to help him. But he had to respond in like manner. He had to offer something of himself in return. But he just couldn't seem to do that. So now he was alone.
“Hmm. You are right, Hans. These lingonberries really are quite tasty,” he lied. For as far as his taste buds were concerned, the berries might as well have been cold ashes from the hearth, for that was all that food meant to Thot anymore. He took no pleasure in eating and refused to think of a time when he had. For memories of those times, of any kind, only brought him burning sorrow now.
Old Hans looked apologetic. “It never will replace the berries we had at home, though, will they?” As if reminding himself that he needed to be as positive for his young master as well as for himself, Old Hans straightened his shoulders. “But they are quite good, and we are lucky to have found such fine foodstuffs in this new land where we have been fortunate enough to find ourselves.”
“Yes, we are lucky indeed. This place, this New Asgard in Norway, will be a new homeland for us, and we will grow to be very contented here.” And Thor realized that he and Old Hans were both lying through their teeth about their circumstances. But they were only doing it in a sincere attempt to encourage the other person that life was still worth living in this new world where they were doggedly putting down new roots in the hopes that someday this place would feel like home to them.
“It isn’t the same, though, is it?” Thor admitted. “No matter how we try, it still feels foreign here.” He had muttered it honestly with just a little bit of bitterness reflecting in his voice. He knew that he spoke for both of them.
“No, my liege, it does not,” Old Hans admitted also and looked bone-tired and older. “For all that we ever knew is gone forever and will never be seen by us again.”
Thor nodded solemnly. The old man spoke the truth as Thor saw it, too.
Old Hans continued. “I had expected in time to lie forever beside my Sophie in the palace graveyard back in Asgard. But that is not to be anymore. The body of my beautiful wife is lost to me forever as is her final resting place. And so, I will spend eternity without her by my side as she had been by my side in life.” Then he remembered himself and squared his shoulders again. “But I am one of the lucky ones. I have my son and his family who survived the destruction of Asgard, and now they reside nearby. I see them every day if I so wish. I still have family to comfort me.”
Thor felt a deep pang and cringed inwardly. He did not want Old Hans to realize how deeply his words of reassurance about himself had cut into Thor’s already wounded heart. For Thor felt keenly all that Old Hans was saying about loss of kin and for a very good reason. For Thor himself was the last of his family left alive, and that fact tortured Thor on a daily basis and made him feel empty inside and incomplete. A man needs family to anchor him. He might not see them for ages, but he always needs to know that they are somewhere waiting for him to find them again.
“Yes, Hans, you have been blessed,” Thor managed to say with a sad smile for the old family retailer and butler. Then he tried to eat some of the food that had been provided for him probably at great cost and effort by the kitchen staff and Old Hans who had more than likely directed the gathering and preparing of it. And Thor vowed to make more than just a show at eating. If he could not remain living for himself, maybe he could for the people around him who still needed him to be present and in this new world with them.
But, oh, it was going to be so difficult to make himself stay alive when he ached so much to join his family and sleep with them in sweet oblivion forevermore. Sometimes Death is not the lesser evil when someone wishes to surrender to its comforting embrace in order to feel alive again.
They were a ragtag group, these sturdy settlers of New Asgard. For they were the remnants of a society and of a world lost in a wanton battle between their gods who were themselves fulfilling a prophesy written as of old. It had been the destiny of these peoples to lose their world in this epic struggle between beings mightier than ordinary souls, but it did not make it any easier to accept this loss as they had turned their backs and had sailed away from the destruction of the only homeland that most of them had ever known.
But these people were not to be deterred in their own struggle to survive. They had gone forward from the destruction of Asgard and prayed for the best. For there was nothing behind them but chaos and fire. So, forward they had gone with trusting hearts and hopeful minds for the dawn of a better tomorrow.
Where they met up with a tyrant named Thanos on his own quest to claim the Infinity Stones so that he could continue on his agenda of cleansing the universe of excess beings, from sea slugs to mankind, and thereby streamlining population numbers so that there would be plenty of food and the good life for those who had not been eliminated by the general annihilation.
It was a good plan in theory but not in practice because it took the heart out of all of its survivors by robbing them of those whom they had loved. Taking half of the population of all species in the universe caused suffering on gigantic levels. Rare was the family that was not decimated and left in agony. Survivors were shaken to their very cores and did not want to even try coping or even living anymore. Their spirits had been destroyed along with the cleansing that was supposed to help what remained so much.
Even the very gods were affected by Thanos’s wave of terror. For hadn’t mighty Thor lost his best friend Heimdall to Thanos after Heimdall had sacrificed himself so that the Hulk could be taken out of harm’s way via the Bifrost. And hadn’t Thor lost his own brother to Thanos as he had tortured Loki unnecessarily simply to make Thor suffer and then had killed Loki in front of Thor when Thor was powerless to help Loki.
And the effect on Thor had been complete. For watching the cruel deaths in such a short span of time of two people who had meant so much to him had left with sorrow and grief in his heart and emptiness in his soul.
But Thor tried to muster forth for his people who still desperately needed him now. But his fragmented heart and darkened soul weren’t in the effort much. How could these parts of him be settled and contented when they had been shattered almost beyond repair by Heimdall and Loki’s deaths?
Yes, Thor was broken by grief and numb beyond what mere words could describe, and he stumbled around a lot in his fog of pain as he searched for something that just couldn’t be his anymore. But he could still be there for his people who desperately needed a symbol to sustain them. And so that was what Thor became, or as much as he was able. And it gave him a purpose again.
And if he seemed to spend a lot of his time sitting on a high bluff overlooking the northern sea while he waited for someone to appear who never would again, the New Asgardians paid it no mind.
And if he seemed preoccupied by his mourning for his lost brother it was because everything felt so utterly hopeless inside him.
Maybe Thor would learn to ease his pain somewhat in time, but now it was fresh and caustic and cutting into his very core. But every surviving Asgardian had pain of his own to bear. That is what happens when a people have been as decimated as thoroughly as the New Asgardians had been.
If Thor had only known of the shock that he would undergo that day, he might have been paying a little bit more attention to what he had been doing beforehand so that he would remember every detail when he recalled the momentous event back from memory later on. As it was, the day had been rather mundane up to that point and not particularly different from most of the others that he lived through now when he wasn’t out hunting for food or on some expeditionary campaign. In fact, things were a little quiet in New Asgard, but that was all right since the remnants of the Asgardian population that had managed to escape the destruction of Asgard by Surtur and Hela had much work to do to establish new homes in Norway on Midgard. And there was much work to be done for all, even for the person who had handed over the job of ruling the place to Valkyrie. Thor wanted simply to be one of the new colonists, and so he was. But the people never forgot that Thor was a god, even if Thor himself did not want to remember it.
As the weeks passed, Thor had gradually melted into the heartbeat of the colony. He enjoyed the physical work and threw himself into the heavy labor with a zeal that impressed and inspired his fellow refugees. What the Asgardians did not realize was that Thor welcomed the strenuous labors as a way to take his mind off his great heartache and inner sorrow. For he was the last one left of his family, and that is always a difficult situation to endure. For Odin, Frigga, and Loki were all gone now. Likewise, many of Thor's friends had been killed by Thanos, including Heimdall who had been like a brother to him. It seemed as if no one remained who had once been held dear by him (although there were, truth be told), and his heart ached with that bitter reality. And so, he welcomed the physical work as though he was trying to put Hercules to shame for all of his mighty feats when in actuality it was simply Thor's need to take his mind off the overwhelming sorrow that consumed him. He wasn't in competition with anyone, and that was a relief if only he would ever realize it.
But no one can work forever. Fatigue eventually catches up with the most determined laborer, and he must set his tools aside for a while. Even gods must rest and regroup. Even someone like mighty Thor had to take some time off and just vegetate to give his body time to rest. And it wasn't so bad to be idle, he was pleasantly surprised to find. He simply had to have the reassurance that there was some work somewhere awaiting him that needed to be done in the near future. Perhaps that was the answer. Being needed by someone, ANYONE, would help to fill the hopeless void inside him. For it was a dark and bottomless pit there, and he did not like exploring it very much. But explore it, he had. For many days and for many months. He knew its terrors and its loneliness and the unrest that it could stir within him. And he knew he could never be without it. For it was him and his life now.
If only Loki hadn't sacrificed himself for Thor! But then Loki would be the grieving brother left behind to mourn for Thor, for Thanos most assuredly would have killed Thor simply because he could do so. And so, if there was a silver lining to the way that it had all worked out, then Thor had saved Loki from suffering all of this pain. For he knew that Loki would have grieved for him. Despite Loki's sometime cavalier way of acting around him, Thor just knew that on some primitive, basic level that Loki loved him with an all-consuming passion. Just as Thor loved Loki. With an all-consuming passion. For that is the way of brothers and for those who love big.
But one thing bothered Thor almost as much as the overwhelming loneliness. He had never told Loki how basic and how deeply his love for him had gone. Had Loki ever guessed it? Had that suave, debonair man of the world ever realized that the plodding, often stupid-acting guy could have deeper thoughts than those involving drinking, womanizing, and conducting warfare? Had Loki ever known just how much he had been loved by Thor? Had Loki ever guessed how much Thor needed to know that Loki existed somewhere in the universe-- preferably in his life?
Thor doubted it.
And the knowledge of that fact hurt Thor in every fiber of his being.
So, Thor did what others had done before him and what others would continue to do long after the lone surviving Norse god was finally asleep at last with the other heroes in Valhalla. He intensified his devotion to his labors. He threw himself into building a new homeland for his people. And in doing so, in doing something for the future of those who would come after him, he found a little bit of peace for himself. And if the tears continued to fall inside him, he tried to keep them to himself. But the others around him could tell of his pain. For his eyes never smiled, even if his lips managed to do that sometimes. But he ate, and he slept, and he did other things that a man must do to be considered to be alive in this world, and the days managed somehow to run their allotted course out for him.
And if he hated to retire to his bedchamber when it was time to sleep at night, it was because he had no one to share it with. And he could not think of anyone that he wanted to share it with. So, if he needed to relieve himself of built-up sexual tension, he would do it himself (although that method was sternly frowned upon) or he visited some comely maiden for a few moments to achieve the same release. But nothing along those lines meant anything to him. It was simply a response to a problem, and nothing more.
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Chapter Text
And so, life continued on in this way for Thor. If not joyously, at least life continued. The sun came up, the sun came down, and once again men and gods plodded through another uneventful day. And sometimes that, the small victories, the everyday familiarly of sameness could be enough to make him feel halfway contented with this new life of his.
And it was enough. But, oh, he missed Loki! And that fact would snap as harshly and as unexpectedly as a rubber band on an unsuspecting bare arm. Thor's grief was as sharp and as raw as when Thanos had killed Loki right in front of him. And having to witness that and not being able to prevent Loki's death plagued Thor to his very core now. There was so much sorrow of missed opportunities with Loki that he would never have an opportunity to atone for them now that Loki was gone.
But somehow, Thor wanted to believe with every fiber of his being that the story between them was not over yet. Loki had even said as much, hadn't he, a few scant moments before Thanos had snuffed out Loki's life. "I assure you, brother, the sun will shine on us again." That was the small shred of hope that Thor clung to, for Loki had been dead before and had eventually returned. So, Thor hoped that somehow that miracle would happen again. He just wanted it to happen sooner instead of later. But so far it hadn't. And each day that passed with no sign of Loki's reappearance made it that much harder for Thor to make an effort to survive.
Because hope can run out for even an optimist, and Thor figured that he had passed that spot a long time ago. He was simply running on instinct now and barely doing that. Intellectually, he knew that Loki was gone and would never return. And that knowledge dragged him down as surely as if he had a cannonball chained to his neck. But still, but still... but still!
So he spent time sitting on a bluff overlooking the sea at New Asgard and staring out at the waters being churned to and fro by a restless ocean. Someday, he may want to see the faraway lands that touched upon these wandering oceans. But not now. Not today. Maybe not ever.
For he was stuck, stuck in yesterday. The yesterday when Loki had died. It was just as raw and as horrible and as tragic as the moment it had happened.
Hopefully, Loki would return to him someday. It was all that Thor had now. It wasn't much, but at least it was something to hold onto during all of the empty days that he lived through now. He lived them like a man in a trance, because he could not expose himself too much for the pain awaiting him. The only thing that helped was the glimmer of hope that remained for him.
But deep in his heart, Thor knew that he probably waited in vain for someone who probably would never return to him. For Loki was truly and forever lost to him forever, just as Loki had always been lost to himself.
But still Thor waited... and scorned himself for waiting. But waited, he did.
For that is what the heart must do when it otherwise has nothing else but sorrow awaiting it.
That morning, he had surprised himself and Old Hans by enjoying a hearty breakfast for the first time in a long time. Perhaps Thor was at last coming out of his funk that had saddened him ever since Loki's death. But it was probably closer to the truth that Thor was reassured by being surrounded by the comfortable staff of old retainers who had managed somehow to escape the destruction of Asgard when a lot of younger people had not been so lucky. And Thor was very thankful for the presence of these old servants. They gave him a stability and reminded him that not everything from his old homeland had been destroyed. Perhaps they finally represented "home" to him when there was scarcely anything else around New Asgard that did.
These were people whom Thor had known since his childhood. He appreciated that they took extra pains to make certain that he felt included in something familiar. They sought out tempting morsels of food to stimulate his jaded appetite dulled by pain and grieving. They kept him company and included him in their simple home lives that they had now. All of these special acts endeared them to him even more than they already were. Although his parents and brother were no longer around to provide him with an actual family, the loyal servants always gave Thor a feeling of having loved ones near him once again.
In the company of these good, simple people, he could almost forget for a moment that he was quite alone in the world. His heart would be light and gay for a little while, and he enjoyed being a part of this nurturing world.
But it was not long before solitude came crashing down on him once more with a cruel vengeance. Goodness only knew how lonely the royal palace felt since Thor was living in it by himself! How he ached for his own kind. But that could never be again. For his own kind was dead and quite beyond his reach.
Even the Warriors Three, that loyal threesome who had always had Thor’s back in battle, were not present at the moment as they had taken the opportunity during such peaceful times to visit their own families and friends in the new colony. They even had some old acquaintances scattered far and wide around the Known World. So, at any given moment Thor had no idea exactly where his friends were located in the universe.
And the thought of being able to do that sort of thing sounded so freeing to Thor. To be able to pick up and leave without a care in the world lured him like a breath of fresh air beckoning at the end of a fetid swamp. He realized with regret that he had once been able to do that sort of thing also. But that had been back when he was younger... a thousand years ago. In truth, it had been only a few short months. But it seemed so much longer ago than that that he had lost all of his will to live with Loki's tragic death.
"Come with us, Thor," Fandral had urged, his handsome face conflicted with his desire to be on to new adventures and his concern for his leader and friend. "It will be ever so good for you just to be on the trail again."
"That is right!" Volstagg had chimed in before Thor could answer. "There will be new foods to be eaten! I am always up for a good feast!"
"Yes, we know that, Volstagg," Fandral had agreed. "If we had any doubt of that fact, all we would have to do would be to look at your waistline for confirmation."
"Ho, ho, ho! That is correct! And I am eager to be at it!" Volstagg had answered as he held a hand on his quivering belly as it jiggled up and down with his laughter.
"And I am ready to check out the young ladies beyond our settlement," Fandral had shared with Thor. "I understand that Norwegian women are uncommonly pretty also. Just so they are uncommonly friendly to go with those fair maidly charms. All I need is a little encouragement, and I will be quite willing to spend a little time with any of them," he had said with a wink that made his handsome features a treat to behold.
"I wish you much success on your quest. All of them," Thor had told Fandral sincerely. "But you do not need my company. For I fear that I would only spoil your pleasures."
"It is not my pleasures which concern me," Fandral had told him soberly.
Thor had been touched. "Thank you for that. And there will be a time in the future when maybe I can join all of you again and be as we once were together. As for now--" He had shrugged. "I just am not up for it right now."
"I know. Just do not wait too long," Fandral had advised. "For Time runs out for everyone-- even gods."
So the Warriors Three had left New Asgard to add new excitement to their lives again. And their absence made Thor feel lonelier than ever. Therefore, forays into the village, especially into its pubs and brothels, were not half as much fun for Thor without anyone to accompany him to share in the boozing and skirt-chasing. So, Thor stayed a lot of evenings in the royal palace by himself.
And calling the structure that he inhabited a royal palace was something of a misnomer. It was actually just a simple three-story house that would hold the servants on the highest story and royalty on the first two floor. The bottom floor was the more public area for official meetings while the second story consisted of bedchambers and a private sitting-room for the royal family itself. The third story was for the house servants. Thor could have been contented with a straw mattress in a back corner in the top of a barn somewhere, but the people of New Asgard would not hear of it. And Thor realized that the Asgardians needed to have the surviving member of their royal family housed in something a little more splendid than the accommodations that they inhabited. So, he stayed in the royal "palace" whenever he was in residence in New Asgard.
But he really didn't belong in the royal palace, either. He had turned down the kingship in favor of Valkyrie being the new colony's leader. She had found that getting back with the Asgardians and fighting for their survival had given her a new purpose and a new pride. She took to the new responsibility and found her real calling in life. She was the only other member of the royal "family" in permanent residence and resided in a chamber far removed from Thor's.
But even Valkyrie, that fabulous ruler of New Asgard, was absent at the moment. She was on a girl's trip with Sif to some of the fashion capitals of Europe. Valkyrie had happily left the management of New Asgard in Thor's hands and had gaily departed without a backwards glance. Odd how the ladies had hit it off, especially since Thor believed that he had once been intended to establish a married relationship with one of them by his parents and had even considered bedding the other after being enslaved by her on Sakaar. Thor felt that the women had even been willing to be in a relationship with him, but something had always held him back and had prevented him from making a binding commitment with either one. And now they had gone off together. He supposed that even willing women would not wait forever. His loss, he supposed. And someday he might regret losing his chances with either one. But that would have to come at a time when he could feel again. And right now, he was still too numb to know what he had missed with either of the ladies.
Before she had left however, Sif had tried to appeal to her friend and fellow soldier. "You really need to come with Val and me," she had told him. "The change will do you a world of good."
Thor had smirked. "Yes, that is what you two need with you, by all means. A moping sad sack like me would really liven up your holiday."
But Sif would not join in with his jest against himself. Instead, she had given him a sobering look. "You worry both of us, Thor. We hate seeing you this way. You have always been so mighty before in your actions and positive before with your thinking. And now to have you so sorrowful makes us feel so very sorry for you."
"I know," Thor had agreed with a sigh. "I am sorry that I have given either of you any concern. You are both been good friends to you. I will always remember that."
"Stop talking as if you are about to undertake a journey of your own from which there is no returning. I want you eventually to go to Valhalla, but I am not finished with having you in my life here just yet. So, stop talking as if you have no other plans in store for yourself except the one that finally come to us all," she had ordered lowly.
"Sorry if have caused a moment's concern in that area," Thor had apologized sheepishly. "But it is very difficult to keep up any optimism in the light of my present circumstances."
"I know. I sympathize." Then Sif had given him a level look. "I know that you feel as if you have nothing to live for anymore. But Loki would not have wanted you to die with him. He would have wanted you to live for yourself and for the people of Asgard who still need you to lead them in battle," she had told him and had gotten to the very heart of Thor's problem with a few piercing words.
"Oh, do you really think that, Sif? Do you really and truly think that he wanted me to live?" Thor had whispered and had felt his easy tears pricking at his eyelids. He hated how readily his easy emotions could betray him and reveal themselves to others, but he felt safe enough around Sif to be able to do that sort of thing. The two of them had been in too many battles together and had been in too many trying situations together to let false pride trip them up now.
"I do," she had answered. "You know that I was no fan of Loki's. He had proven himself to be calculating and two-faced and out to have the Asgardian throne for himself, especially after that business with the Jotuns at your coronation. And he was always faking his death to get out of a sticky situation that involved you. But in the instance of Loki's demise by Thanos's hand, Loki was more concerned about your welfare than about his own, and that saves him for me somewhat. Because he saved you for the rest of us. And for that sacrifice, I am indebted to him forever."
"Oh, it would be so wonderful if you are right," Thor had breathed in hopeful expectation.
Sif had cringed. Thor wanted so badly to believe in what Sif was telling him.
"Thor, there is no greater thing that one person can do for another person than to die for him." She had paused. "There is no greater love that can be shown than that, for it is so final."
At those words, Thor's face had threatened to collapse as he had screwed his eyes tightly shut and had allowed his anguish to roll over him for once. "Oh, Sif! I have lost him for all time!" he had moaned. "And he never knew! He never knew that I... I--"
"He knew, Thor," she had reassured him. "He knew. For, despite everything, there is an unbreakable bond between you two. That is what brought him back the other times. And if he can, he will return to you again." But she could not let him cling to false hope if there was not a basis for any. "IF he can, Thor. Just remember that he might not ever be able to do that." She had hated to see the light go out of his eyes like that, but he had to be realistic.
He had slowly nodded his head to her logic just as he waved goodbye to her and Valkyrie a few days later as they had joyously set out on their girls' trip to all sorts of exciting spots in Europe. Thor had wondered if he would ever be that enthusiastic or as excited about anything again.
So, Thor was very much on his own for companionship that day. But a ride out in the fields and hills after breakfast with his favorite stead under him was always pleasurable and diverting from his harried life full of dangers and responsibilities that faced him as a soldier and warrior. Besides, it was a necessary chore of his to check with the crops in the fields and the livestock in the pastures and up in the hills growing fat on the fair grasses of summer.
At midday, he had shared a simple meal with a small band of shepherds with their sheep high on a mountainside. He had enjoyed the pleasant scenery and chummy small talk that he had exchanged with the shepherds as they had shared their bread and cheese and wine with him. It was so good to be a part of their world for a short time. It was so good to be a part of something again! Anything! Just so he didn’t feel so isolated and alone.
When it was time to leave, he had almost hated to mount up and leave the shepherds. But they had their lives, and he had his-- skimpy and bare and cold as it was. It was still his, and he had to live it. But, oh, how he envied them their peace of mind and contentedness!
Was that what life was becoming for him, he wondered, as he rode slowly down the mountain and headed toward the lonely palace once more. Was this to be his lot in life now? Borrowed moments from other people’s senses of security and peace? If so, he envied them all! And damn the lot that had fallen upon him! A man without a country, a man without a home, a man without a family-- because he would not allow himself those luxuries. And now he might lose the opportunity to have anything good in his life again, because he mourned for something that could no longer be his.
Even his trusty stead had a life that Thor could envy. For the animal, sensing that its own warm stall and supper of oats was awaiting it, increased its pace almost to a trot to get back to its home once more. With a sad smile, Thor allowed the animal its head. At least, the creature had something pleasurable awaiting it. That was more than Thor had waiting for him. So, he was almost envious of his horse for its own simple pleasures. Zorns, he was a pitiful mess if he was now low enough to envy a dumb creature its base life!
At the stable, Thor unsaddled his stead and spent a long time rubbing it down and talking lowly to it while its ears twitched with interest. This was, after all, the animal’s master, and it loved its master as any good horse should.
But at last, even Thor could not put off the inevitable. Finally, he had to turn his steps toward the lonely palace once more. At least the servants would be there to greet him with a warm supper and inquiries about his day. And he knew that their concern and inquiries would be sincere. He just wished that someone was waiting for him whom he deeply loved and who loved him back with all the sincerity that can be contained in a beating heart. But he did not know if anyone like that existed for him anymore.
Chapter Text
And then, as Thor stepped out of the stable into the gathering twilight, his fondest wish came true. For there, just outside the door and not five feet away from him, stood Loki. And Thor’s wildly beating heart soared nearly out of his chest. He hoped like hell that this was not an illusion. If that was all it proved to be, it was a damned good one! But what an aching disappointment for him!
But it was not an illusion nor was it a figment of Thor’s imagination born of endless hoping. For it was Loki in the flesh, returned and looking fit as ever. And not showing any sign of ever having had the lifeforce snuffed out of himself by Thanos or anybody else.
“Returned from your errands at last, I see,” Loki said. “I began to wonder if we would have to send the dogs out to track you down. Working out in the fields and meadows, I understand. Seeing to the first crops of this colony and planning for a bountiful harvest so that all may eat over the Norwegian winter. Just like a proper landlord should be doing for his people.”
“Well, someone must see that the business of the farm is seen to,” Thor muttered while his heart throbbed wildly in his throat. He could not have said anything more, anything important, for the life of him. He was too busy trying to stay upright and make sense of what was happening right before his eyes. And trying to figure out why his rascal heart had suddenly decided to leave its cozy home deep in his mighty chest and relocate for some reason high in his throat. If it intended to stay in that location though, there would be no room for the passage of air, and Thor, mighty Thor, would die of suffocation before too long. And that probably wasn't enough of an elegant or heroic way to die to get him into Valhalla. He'd never heard the mistrals singing of anyone achieving that hallowed destination by checking out at the stable door in peacetime by a vision that his inventive mind had conjured up to placate his tortured soul.
But Thor didn't have the time right now to determine the odds of his reaching Valhalla today on such a flimsy petition. After all, a brother returning from the dead didn’t happen every day. True, it seemed to happen to Thor a lot more than it did to other people, but that still didn’t make it any easier to experience anytime it happened. And now his world seemed to be turning an uneasy shade of black at its edges began rushing headlong toward its middle with an alarming speed. Thor knew when that collision happened, he would crash to the ground in compliance with it. Maybe he was suffocating already from that renegade heart that had blocked his throat passage so unexpectedly. If so, it would make perfect sense.
Thor closed his eyes to regain his frail hold on reality. Then he took two steadying breaths (Hurrah, his throat was clear!) to regain control of himself and to prepare himself for his coming disappointment. For he knew that when he opened his eyes again, that Loki would not be standing there anymore. And what Thor had seen and had been conversing with was truly only a figment of his starving imagination. So, with that reassurance that all would be right again with his world when he opened his eyes, and Loki would no longer be there, Thor braced himself for being disillusioned again and opened his eyes.
But Loki was still there and looking rather puzzled by Thor's odd behavior.
Then Thor remembered about Loki's tricks, except that the universe might be playing the trick on Thor now instead of a departed Loki. So, Thor bent, picked up a small rock, and threw it at Loki's forehead. If there was any sense in the universe anymore, the rock would fly through the mist that was Loki's head and land on the ground several feet behind his apparition. Then Thor would know for certain that Loki's presence was merely a trick of his senses and not an actual fact.
So Thor let loose with the small rock and waited while logic would win out by proving to him that all he was seeing were his fondest hopes playing tricks on him again.
But the rock struck Loki above his right eye and fell to the ground in front of him.<.p>
Thor sucked in his breath! It couldn't be!
"Ouch," Loki protested as a tiny drop of blood appeared above his eyebrow. He reached up, blotted the spot, then studied the stain as he rubbed the blood out of existence between his thumb and forefinger.
Norns! It was no illusion.
So Thor had to face the truth. Loki was there. Loki was really and truly there with him.
And Thor wasn't crazy or delusional! Loki had come back from the dead again!
Thor grabbed onto a nearby post to keep from falling. He had just suffered a tremendous shock and did not know if he would be able to stay standing or if he would fall face-first into the hardpacked ground beneath his feet in a dead faint.
For standing in front of him was someone he thought that he would never see again in this lifetime. None other than his brother Loki, long thought of as being lost to him forever, had appeared before him as if he had just been gone for a moment and now had returned to resume again the activity that they had been engaged in doing together just the moment before.
“What is wrong, brother?” Loki asked, somewhat puzzled by Thor’s pale face with its strange look of disbelief, horror, and relief on it. “You look as if you are about to fall on the ground in a dead swoon.” He looked concerned. “You are not about to do something silly like that, are you?”
But Thor kept staring at him as if he had not heard Loki’s question. “Y-you’re here! You’re r-really here!”
“Yes, yes, I am.” Puzzlement was present in Loki’s voice as well as on his face. “Why are you stammering? This stammer... is this something that has developed in you lately? I do not recall you being so prone to such a condition before." He shrugged. "Before, you know, Thanos and all of that mess."
Thor put a shaky hand to his forehead, frowned, and turned aside. "No, it seems to be a quite recent phenomenon," he muttered.
Loki's puzzlement changed into concern as he realized that Thor might be truly ill. "Perhaps you need to be bled by the palace physician so that you can rid yourself of all of the impurities in your system.”
“But, but, but… how?! How are you here?! I saw you die! Again! Like so many times before! You, you… died! Right before my eyes! And now, here you are! Back again!”
“Yes. Yes, that is correct.” Loki could not seem to understand what the problem was.
“But, but, but, you... died!”
“Yes. And now I am back.”
Thor placed a shaky hand on his forehead and turned aside. “I am hallucinating. Yes. That is what this is. A hallucination. And a damn good one at that! You are simply a hallucination. When I turn back, you will not be there. Nothing will be there except empty space where my fondest hopes had once created you. Yes. Yes. That is what will happen. Even the rock striking your forehead was somehow an illusion,” he reassured himself with a quivering smile. “Your phantom will not be there. Only an empty place where I had hoped for you to be.”
But when Thor turned, Loki was still there, waiting patiently to try to get Thor’s attention away again from Thor’s wandering speech about hallucinations.
Thor paled, more shaken than before. “I, I… do not… understand! How… how can you be here, now, when I saw you die?!”
Loki shrugged. “I do not know. I simply know that I left when Thanos crushed my neck… and now I am back.”
Thor turned away again. “I do not know how this can be.”
“I do not, either. I simply know that it is.” Loki held out a hand. “Can you accept that it can be? Can you believe what you see before you now? Can you believe that I am really here and not a phantom meant to deceive you?”
“How can I when I saw you die?” Thor snapped as he turned with anger on his face. “I had to accept your death, because it happened right in front of my eyes. And now I am supposed to accept your return just as easily?!”
“I do not know,” Loki replied with exasperation sounding in his own voice. “I am just asking that you do.”
Thor looked down and pursed his lips. “I do not know if I can do that or not.”
“Perhaps I should not have come here,” Loki said with disappointment. It showed in his face and in his very demeanor. "I can see that my coming here was probably a mistake."
“Don’t,” Thor pleaded as he looked up and held out his own hand. “Don’t disappear again so readily. I beg of you. Please, please stay right where you are. I, I do not know if I can tolerate all of this constant popping back and forth in and out of existence by you anymore. It is very disconcerting and getting more difficult to handle every time it happens.” He frowned as he thought his statement over. "Which has gotten to occur more times than I care to remember. It is rather disturbing, to say the least."
“Sorry,” Loki mumbled. “I did not intend to inconvenience you.” He was somewhat miffed by the reception that Thor was giving him. First Thor did not believe what he was actually seeing, then he threw a rock at him that had caused blood to bubble up out of him, and now Thor was concerned about his own fragile emotions more than Loki's return. When this situation ever going to be about HIM? After all, he had been the one to undergo the fear and pain and frustration of dying so tragically. When was Loki going to be the important one here? He just wished that Thor would be kind enough to answer THAT question to his satisfaction!
Loki caught ahold of himself. If he was not careful, he and Thor would be quarreling again. Something like that always seemed to happen when a disagreement should not be the important thing occurring between them. There should be a reunion, a happy reunion, filled with thankfulness and gentle peace. Not this petty spatting back and forth happening between them so easily again.
"I am sorry," Loki apologized with downcast eyes. "I know that this is very difficult to you to accept." His head shot up, disclosing his startled eyes. "Norns, it would be very difficult for you to even understand!" he realized with sudden insight. He tried to imagine what it would be like to have somebody pop up in front of him that he'd considered long dead. "No wonder you are frustrated."
“Where were you?” Thor whispered. “When you were... dead?”
“I do not know. In a sort of limbo, I suppose. There was no measurement of time… or distance… or space. It was like holding the breath, except I was not aware of breath. Or breathing. Or anything. But when I had the opportunity, I came back. I do not know how exactly.” He looked up happily with a weak smile. “But here I am.”
“But for how long? Until the next time it is convenient for you to die?” Thor asked in a sarcastic voice. He was beginning to feel an anger gathering inside himself that he did not want to feel. And yet he was. Loki always had had that sort of effect on him.
“I do not understand why you are so angry. I came back,” Loki pointed out as if Thor had not quite realized that fact.
“You might not have been experiencing the passage of time while you were gone, but I was,” Thor snapped. “I mourned you. I wept for you. I MISSED you!”
Loki was slightly rattled that Thor was so emotional about the whole situation. “Thank you,” he said, not knowing exactly what else to say. He was not used to Thor being so fragile and displaying such easy emotions.
Thor tried to control his anger but did not have much success. “And now I suppose I will have to wait around until you decide to fake your own death again and then return again… or not. Whatever pleases you at the moment."
Loki studied him with solemn eyes. "You have been so very hurt by all of this... haven't you?" he asked, hitting on the truth.
"What was your first clue?!” Thor spat out while deep anger flashed around his face. He fought to bring himself back under control, and that was not one of Thor's strengths for his temper was very volatile. But he was determined to try, even though he knew he had a losing battle before him.
And that struggle won Loki's pity. He stepped toward Thor, and Thor nearly backed away. But Loki might look upon that move as a rejection, so Thor held his ground although Loki was uncomfortably close to him now. Even when Loki reached out toward him, Thor held his ground, but it took a lot of effort to do so.
“Oh, my beautiful blonde buffoon,” Loki murmured softly as he gently brushed the backs of his fingertips across Thor's left cheekbone. His heart was in his long-suffering eyes, and no one could doubt that he was speaking a truth that he believed deep in his soul. "You have been so very hurt by all of this... haven't you?" he repeated.
Not even Thor could deny that he was witnessing something very heartfelt. And it bothered him a little to be seeing so deeply into someone else’s soul. But then, Loki had a habit of exposing his emotions at times when he really shouldn’t. It gave him a vulnerability that almost made him seem naked in Thor’s eyes. And oh, so, so very needy! It also made Thor strangely want to protect him. He did not know if Loki would even like it if Thor tried to do that, and Thor had to admit that he had no idea where such a feeling like that was even coming from. But that was what he was feeling.
“You are wise and heroic in so many things, but blind in so many others,” Loki told him. "And you cannot see what is plainly in front of you."
Thor turned away from the intensity and honesty of that look and of words that contained a brutal truth. Plus, he was reluctant to learn what it was that Loki thought he was too blind to see. And then in the next moment, Thor found that he had a new concern about Loki.
“Do not turn away, brother,” Loki cautioned. “I might not be here when you look back again.”
Thor wheeled. “That is the problem!” he thundered. “You have left so many times! In such horrible ways! Can you imagine what it does to me to have to witness something like that?! You die in front of me, and I cannot do a thing to prevent it!”
“No, I don’t what it was like to have to see that,” Loki answered softly with a small smile. “I only know that I could not bear to witness your demise the two times that I sacrificed myself for your sake. I could not imagine a world without you in it, so I took myself out of it instead. Perhaps that makes me a coward, but it was my choice to make. And I made it.”
Loki had made the supreme sacrifice so that Thor could live. There is no greater love than that, Thor remembered Sif telling him. So Loki must love Thor more than his own life to have done what he did for him-- twice.
But Thor could not bring himself to examine a subject that was so tender to both of them. Not now. Maybe in time. But not today. No, today he had another question that was begging to be answered.
“Then you can understand why the world has been so empty for me,” Thor said. “I felt as if I had no future in it, only a past. And there was nothing to look forward to. And now, when I have almost gotten used to being alone in a colorless, two-dimensional world, you appear again. As if by magic and with no explanation other than a grand announcement that you are back again. What I want to know is why do you do that? Why do you always return to plague me again?”
Loki had a tired look on his face as he smirked. “Because I cannot stay away. I must be where you are.”
“Aaggg!” Thor roared as other thunder echoed in the distance. Lightning flashed blue streaks in his eyes as copycat bolts of electricity danced along a mountain crest and frightened some sheep a few miles away. He was feeling such anger that he could barely contain it, but it was definitely boiling in him.
“I cannot take this! I cannot take this torture anymore!” Thor proclaimed. “You are a devil in the guise of my lost brother!” He bellowed his angst so that no one would have a doubt about the turmoil that he was suffering, and he sounded like a bull bellowing before it began a thundering charge at what it considered to be an invader.
Loki decided to ignore Thor’s display that was so embarrassingly like a child’s temper tantrum that Loki did not wish to give it any more justification than necessary. Loki did not add “brother” for he sensed that Thor did not wish to be called that at the moment.
When Thor did not immediately give him permission to do so, Loki asked anyway, “Why are you so angry with me? You say you missed me and that your life was empty and meaningless while I was gone. But when I finally appear, I cannot seem to please you.” Loki lowered his head. “Perhaps it would have been better for you if I had not returned to you in New Asgard. You have a new life here, and I have no part of it anymore. Perhaps I should simply be a part of your past and you a part of mine. Perhaps I should seek my own life elsewhere as I should have done a long time ago. Perhaps that would be the best for both of us.”
Chapter Text
Thor paled. “Do not say anything of that nature. That would be a terrible thing to happen. I cannot stand not knowing where you are and how you fare. The last few months have seemed like they would never end, and the years-- the years since you have been lost to me-- have been insufferably long and filled with a chill that has iced my heart over far worse than any kind of frigid weather that we ever experienced on Asgard or anywhere else that I have ever been, for that matter.”
"I had no idea that you had to undergo such a trying experience," Loki said in awe. Thor had never come out and said so graphically before just what Loki meant to him. It both impressed Loki and made him a little cautious. Meaning that much to someone else might be more than Loki could handle.
"Of course, I did!" Thor snapped. "Did you not consider that your death would have an adverse effect on me?! That really is unfeeling of you, brother!" He put his hands to his tempers as if a great pain was hurting him inside his head, and it probably was. "I cannot be plagued with this wonderment anymore. I have suffered too much in my concern about where you were."
Loki held out his hand. “Then how-- Why? Why do you--” He stopped. "Sorry," he apologized, not knowing quite what to say next, but making an attempt at explaining his position also. "Perhaps I need not understand your reasoning either. I do not live in your heart and soul, as no other man can ever do with any other man. I am curious, though. As far as your behavior goes, one moment you are welcoming to me as if you have pined away for me since Thanos dispatched me, and the next moment you treat me roughly as if the very sight of me angers you." He gave Thor a penetrating look with his eyebrows forming an almost perfect "V" above his eyes. "Forgive me, brother, but you do seem to blow hot and cold."
"I could ask you the same question. Can you explain yourself?"
"I do not know if I could do that to your satisfaction," Thor hedged. "It is difficult to explain."
"Try," Loki prodded.
Loki could be such an annoying little ass when he wanted to be!
"Well? I am waiting, brother," Loki prodded once again.
And that was once again too much for Thor. He felt his trademark anger threatening to spill over. But at this point, he was beginning not to care again.
“Just why do you keep coming back, anyway?" Thor demanded suddenly. "Why don’t you stay away from me and stop this marathon of living and dying that you insist in engaging in?”
“That is simple, Thor. It is as I said a moment ago. It is because I cannot stay away from you,” Loki answered softly.
“Likely story!”
Loki shrugged. "I do not know what I can do to convince you that what I am saying is the truth. Just know that I am truly here."
With a roar that revealed his inner turmoil, Thor grabbed Loki’s shoulders. When he felt yielding, living flesh and solid bone beneath his grasp, he cooled somewhat in his amazement. “You feel real!”
“I am real.”
Thor dropped his hands. “But… but… but how can that be? How... how... how is that even possible?”
“Thor, you are beginning to sound like an outboard motorboat that needs a good overhauling,” Loki said with the slightest exasperation sounding in his voice. “I have a question of my own.”
"Yes?"
"Why are you so angry with me? If I can believe what you tell me, you pined away while I was gone. And now that I am here, you are displaying all sorts of anger toward me. It has happened before when I returned from my other deaths. I got mixed messages then also about your sorrow over my absences and my reappearances. Because what I saw when I returned was first your shock and then your anger."
"I believe that you are mistaken by that," Thor hedged.
"And I believe that you are avoiding the question," Loki insisted.
“Well, you've got to remember that you have put me on a terrible rollercoaster of emotion with your departures and arrivals."
Thor's answer was almost delivered with a sniveling, whining voice. It was as if his frayed emotions were about to be spilled out all over the place in an unmanly show of what might happen if he let himself go. Loki half expected that crocodile tears would be displayed by Thor next.
"How are you even here?" Thor demanded. "That is what I wished you would explain to my satisfaction and curiosity. Thanos said that there would be no resurrection for you this time, and I believed him.” he reminded looking at Loki solemnly.
“And he was almost right,” Loki said with a solemn tone now in his own voice. But he would not be diverted by Thor's evasive tactics. He had come to say something to Thor, and he would not leave until Thor had acknowledged the whole truth about the matter between them. And it was high time that Loki got on that subject and stayed on it.
“It took something mighty strong to overcome Death, Thor. I choose to think that thing was sentiment."
Thor frowned. "The sentiment that you once denounced because you considered it a sign of weakness?"
"Yes," Loki answered levelly. "For now, I believe that it indicates strength. Would you not be willing to share that belief with me so that it will give me purpose for still living?"
"Ah--" Thor was embarrassed by what Loki had said. Guys didn't talk that way to other guys. Then he reconsidered.
Guys might not talk openly about loving each other.
But brothers might.
And they were brothers.
In practice, if not in fact.
In theory, if not by blood.
But that still didn't placate Thor. He had to dig deeper. He just sensed that there was more to Loki's story than he was saying, and for once Thor was going to get to the bottom of the matter. He had a feeling that it was very important to the both of them.
"I know why you 'die,' Loki. But why do you keep coming back? What could possibly be that important to you that you cannot stay away? I just wish that you would explain that for once so that I can understand. Why do you keep coming back?"
"You will not accept what I have just told you and allow us to go on from there?" Loki asked, hoping that Thor would not press the issue any further.
But this time, Thor was stubborn about the situation. He crossed his arms and tried to look stern. "No."
"Oh, hell," Loki muttered. He glanced at Thor. "Are you certain?"
"I am certain," Thor declared and took much pleasure in being stubborn.
"Remember that you asked for it."
"I certainly did," Thor affirmed with great satisfaction.
“Here. Allow me to show you then... if I must.”
"You must," Thor insisted, figuring that this was where he had successfully called Loki's bluff.
"Remember that you asked for it," Loki reminded him, hoping that Thor would back off.
But Thor was going to do no such thing. "I most certainly did," Thor agreed.
Loki made a show of sighing deeply. "All right," he said. And with that, he stepped forward and gently kissed Thor fully on the mouth. The encounter was over in a moment, and then Loki drew back and studied Thor for his reaction.
He didn’t have long to wait. Thor uncrossed his arms and turned all sorts of interesting colors from bright red to an ashen white. That was when Loki grew worried that Thor was going to try for another face-plant with the hard ground again. Thor seemed to be having trouble breathing, too, but Loki noticed that he himself was suddenly having the same trouble breathing.
But Loki ignored his own agitation and plowed ahead. "Are you going to be all right, brother?" he asked.
Thor's only answer was to stare at Loki and shake his head rapidly up and down.
“So now you know all of it, Thor. That is the reason I keep coming back. You,” Loki explained. "You are my home. A place isn't. It used to be. For both of us. And now all we have is each other. And I so earnestly hope that you feel the same way. Because I earnestly need to be wherever you are, brother. I really and truly do."
Thor pushed back further and stared at Loki. He frowned as he studied Loki's face full of pleading and the impossible hope that could be seen there.
How could Thor deny any of that? He couldn't, so he pulled Loki back into his arms.
That embrace felt so good to Thor! And now he understood what he'd been missing all along.
Loki.
Thor growled near Loki's ear. "And I need it, too! I need to be wherever you are! And then I can finally be at peace with myself and feel whole again!" And then the confession came pouring out of him in a torrent. It felt like a dam bursting loose inside and cleansed him all the way through. "I didn't hug you the one time I had the chance, and I've regretted it ever since. My arms have ached to hold you. They felt so empty so many times without you being in them. And it was my own damned fault that I had cheated myself out of something that I believe that we both wanted to experience! Well, no more! No more, I say!" Thor bellowed, and the sound of his voice echoed over the faraway mountains of Norway.
"Brother, you take my breath away," Loki admitted from deep within Thor's embrace. "l gasp like a young maiden in light of what you are telling me. Your words are beyond my wildest dreams."
"I know it is an emotional moment, Loki. It is for both of us. But I have longed for it to happen ever so long. I do not ever want to let you go," Thor told him. "But I do not understand why you are beginning to fight me to release you. Have you changed your mind about me already?"
"It isn't that so much," Loki gasped. "I cannot breathe."
"Oh, I am sorry. I am squeezing you too hard," Thor apologized as he loosened his grip. "I apologize for my roughness."
Loki breathed deeply with pleasure. "Much better!" he announced. "Your arms are like a couple of relenting pillars, you know," he teased."
Thor really relaxed his arms. "I hope that I have not injured you in my eagerness," he said with concern and a wrinkled brow.
"But did I say for you to stop?" Loki protested shyly, then smiled with happiness as Thor tightened his arms around him again. "I have waited ever so long for something like this to happen between us. Long before, I fear, that you even considered that something like that could occur, I had the dream of it in my heart. And, oh, it is so wonderful when it became something in my reality."
Thor's eyes sparkled, and he grinned shyly which was a mannerism he almost never used unless he was discovering new love-- which he was now. "Really?"
"Really. Now put your arms around me like you mean it again and make me know that I am truly home at last."
Thor embraced Loki more gently but still held him. "Better?" he wanted to know.
"Just about perfect," Loki admitted as he snuggled into Thor's mighty chest.
"What can I do to improve it?" Thor shrugged. "You know... the situation that we're in. I almost ruined your homecoming with my anger, and I want to make amends for that shortcoming."
"I thought that perhaps you could make amends for that later on." The shy look was back on Loki's face and sounded plainly in his hesitant voice, but Thor could tell that this was something that Loki was truly wishing would take place. "You know, when it gets dark... and it is time for slumber. You know, for the rest of the world but not necessarily for us. You know," he said, quite breathlessly now, "the time when you truly welcome me home again." A pulse seemed to be beating in the vein in his neck as he snuggled back into Thor almost in embarrassment for his forwardness.
But Thor was insistent as he tried to push the burrowing Loki backwards. “Loki, you need to talk to me now. What is the trouble with you? Why are you being brazen and coy by turns? Look at me and answer me.”
Loki lifted his head. “My feelings may not be the same as yours. I need to be cautious, and so must you.” He did not want Thor to be disappointed with what he might say next.
Thor smiled. It was probably the first genuine smile he had displayed in months. That was because it was the first time in months that he had felt lighthearted and full of hope and an enthusiasm for life again.
“Try me,” Thor said with the smile lighting up his eyes with pleasure. “I am so happy to have you back with me that I am game for just about anything that you have in mind.”
“You may change your mind when you hear me through," Loki cautioned. "My feelings may be different than yours. They may be... deeper.”
Thor felt uneasy, not knowing if he wanted to explore what Loki was hinting at. And he had good reason to be leery. Anything that had Loki this cautious must be serious indeed.
“Explain,” Thor ordered, determined to get to the root of the situation. Besides, the suspense was killing him.
“There is an old song. Perhaps its lyrics will help. I love you. I need you.” He stared intently at Thor. “I want you."
Loki paused, and Thor frowned.
"I turned the lyrics around," Loki explained. "But I thought that you could understand my reasoning better that way.”
Thor felt himself blush and flush all over. Loki was right. Even Thor now understood that Loki wanted a physical relationship with him.
“Well?” Loki asked with burning eyes. He sounded gruff and almost angry.
Thor could relate. He was rather overwhelmed himself by Loki’s request.
“I don’t know, Loki,” Thor finally answered as diplomatically as he could. “It’s a lot to ask.”
Loki deflated, and he lowered his eyes. “I supposed you wouldn’t want something like that, simply because it was me proposing it.”
“It is not that, Loki,” Thor answered softly. “It is just as I said. It is a lot to consider, not because it is you asking for my favors. In fact, I think I’d consider you over most anyone else who asked me-- if someone was to ask me something like that.”
Loki looked up with relief on his face. Then he grinned shyly. “Really?”
“Well, maybe Heimdall,” Thor answered as if he had just been reconsidering his earlier decision. "He does offer quite a package."
But Loki was not fooled. He had seen the tenderness for himself in Thor’s eyes.
“Now you are teasing me,” Loki accused.
Thor smirked with joy in his heart. It felt so good to be doing something like that after so many months of gloom and doom had been his lot. And it felt so good to be looking that way at Loki again. Or to be looking at Loki with any kind of look again.
“Yes, I am,” Thor assured him, and his heart felt so light he wondered if it might float away from him on the Nordic breeze.
“So this is really important to you?” Thor asked. Then to get Loki to talking once more, Thor added, “These feelings that you have for me.” He figured that Loki’s musical lyrics reference pretty well covered the subject of what Loki wanted, but Thor had another reason for getting Loki to repeat himself. He just needed to hear again how necessary he was to Loki’s existence. And if Loki hadn’t used exactly those words, that was what his answer had certainly said.
Loki wanted to get down and dirty with him!
“Those feelings got me to come back to life,” Liki answered solemnly. “What do you think?”
“I think it’s pretty great...” Thor’s eyes were twitching with delight. “...what you’re suggesting… for us.” He looked Loki up and down as if he was appraising the merchandise. “And I think you’re pretty great-- to be offering it.”
“And I think I’ve unleashed some sort of demon on myself.”
Thor breathed in and out deeply. Then he grinned broadly. “Oh, yeah. At least.”
Loki did some deep breathing of his own as if he was fighting down some intense emotion-- and he probably was.
“Just so you promise to love me,” Loki stipulated.
“I can guarantee it!” Thor vowed with almost a cheer. Then he frowned. “Loki, I loved you a long time ago.”
“You have an odd way of showing it,” Loki challenged.
“You have an odd way of inspiring it,” Thor challenged back. “You’re not the most stable creature in my world nor the most predictable.”
Loki thought that statement over, then shrugged. “I’ll give you that.”
Thor’s eyes twinkled again. “But you are certainly one of the most interesting persons I have ever known.”
“Well, I’m good for something then,” Loki said placidly.
Thor studied him with appreciative eyes. “Oh, for much more than you could ever imagine. I cannot wait to get started.”
“Nor I.”
“The future looks rosy and bright once more,” Thor assured him. “And it is all because you are part of my life again. Now what can I do to truly make you feel welcomed? You never did answer that question satisfactorily.”
Loki smiled and said hopefully with the same, shy look of hope back in his eyes again, "For starters? Kiss me back."
Thor grinned. "My pleasure." And then he did his level best to let Loki know that he was truly home at last with all of the kisses that he had been saving for someone special. And he hoped that Loki understood just how special he was to Thor and how happy that Thor was to have Loki back with him again.
But the final convincing did not come until later on that same evening when they retired into Thor's bedchamber together. And Thor's bedchamber suddenly did not feel so empty anymore now that he could share it with Loki. And it really and truly felt like a bedchamber at that time.
You know, it's that time when the rest of the world is sleeping and leaving the night to the discovery of love and desire by Thor and Loki.