Chapter Text
The light crept in the next morning, trickling around the edges of the curtains. Oscar was already half-awake when Lando stirred, scrolling aimlessly on his phone with the brightness turned down low. One arm was still draped protectively around Lando’s warm weight curled into his side.
Oscar felt Lando wake. A faint catch of breath, a twitch of his fingers. A little noise in the back of his throat. Oscar rubbed circles on his back.
‘Good morning,’ he said, his voice barely above a whisper.
Lando blinked up at him, eyes still heavy with sleep. He was in the liminal space between big and little, and he could physically feel the pull of his two headspaces. He whined and buried his face in Oscar’s shoulder, like the day might go away if he didn’t look at it.
Oscar bent to press a kiss on the top of his head. ‘We’ve still got time, there’s no rush.’
The problem was, Lando knew they didn’t have time, not really. And while the tug between being big and little ached at the base of his skull, he also knew that the decision had been made for him. Even though he wanted nothing more than to stay in this syrupy, warm morning, curled against Oscar feeling small and safe, he had to be big today. Had to be brave and remember how to function out there in the world, away from this safe little bubble Oscar had created for him. For them, he supposed.
But he wasn’t really sure how to articulate that in words, so instead he sighed and fiddled with the hem of Oscar’s t-shirt. He could feel the littleness seeping out of him, feel the tension building under his skin.
Oscar was still stroking soft circles on his back. ‘Do you want anything?’
Lando shrugged without moving his head. He made a quiet, almost guilty sound. He was’t sure he was still allowed the comfort now that he was almost feeling big again.
‘Hey, look at me.’ Oscar shifted slightly so he could tilt Lando’s chin up with one hand.
Lando did, reluctantly. He couldn’t quite meet Oscar’s eye though, and he wasn’t really sure why. He was embarrassed, even though he figured he should probably be past that by now. Oscar had made him feel so safe, even though he didn’t have to. Even though there were so many moments he could have walked away, could have left Lando to it. And anyway, he was almost all the way out of his little headspace, or at least nowhere as deep as he’d been the last couple of days. He didn’t need Oscar the way he had done.
Oscar smiled gently. ‘You don’t have to earn this, you know,’ he said, softly. ‘You don’t have to be little to want a cuddle, and you don’t have to feel guilty for wanting to stay close.’
Lando wondered how he did it - how he could reach into his mind and pull back the curtains and just… deal with what he found. Make everything feel better. He sighed through his nose, and ran his thumb nail over his bottom lip. The urge to suck his thumb was almost overwhelming, but he had to be big, had to be good, had to be ready for the day.
Oscar tapped the small of his back gently. ‘I don’t think your thumb is healed enough yet, do you want me to find your dummy?’
Lando shook his head, but kept his thumb resting on his chin. He desperately wanted to say yes. But he knew that saying yes would also mean saying yes to trying to hold on to the last scraps of his little headspace.
He opened his mouth to let Oscar know that he was ok, he was big now and he didn’t have to look after him any more, but he suddenly realised he hadn’t really said anything since yesterday, since before Oscar found him in his driver’s room and brought him back. Fleetingly, he wondered if he remembered how to talk. He cleared his throat. Oscar’s hand stilled on his back.
‘I’m going to have a shower?’ His voice was scratchy and it came out like a question instead of a statement. He wondered if Oscar would think he was asking permission.
‘Yeah, course.’ Oscar’s hand started moving again, tracing gentle circles. Lando resisted the urge to nuzzle into his chest. ‘Do you need anything?’
‘No, I, uh, I’m feeling… I’m not feeling little? Any more. I’m feeling ok. Back to normal.’ He tried to laugh at the end, but it came out sounding a lot sadder than he’d intended.
‘There’s nothing not normal about any of it, you know that right?’
‘Mmm. Yeah. But, like…’ Lando pushed himself up so he was face to face with Oscar. ‘It’s not though is it? Like… all of this.’ He gestured vaguely. ‘It’s not really… normal.’
‘From what I can see, the least normal part of it all is how much you can’t see how normal it is.’
Lando blinked slowly. ‘What?’
‘I just… I don’t think I’ve ever met a little before who’s wanted so much to change. Not like you. That’s the bit that doesn’t feel normal to me, Lando. You can’t help it, it’s part of who you are. It’s like, I dunno, hating your eye colour or thinking that your feet should be a different size.’
Lando felt his eyes burn and a lump start to form in his throat.
‘There’s nothing wrong with being a little. I wish you could see that.’ Oscar’s voice was gentle, and Lando knew he was being kind, but every word felt a little to Lando like he was being told off. He sniffed. He didn’t want to cry.
‘I’m going to have a shower.’ His voice cracked in the middle. He hated how little he sounded. He slid off the bed and squeezed his eyes shut as he turned away from Oscar. He didn’t want to cry.
‘Lando, wait.’
He stopped, his back still to the bed. He could hear the rustle of sheets, heard Oscar’s feet on the floor. Felt his hand on the small of his back, felt his breath close to the nape of his neck.
‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.’
Lando let out a shaky breath he hadn’t realised he was holding.
‘You get to do this however you want to. I’m here to support you and I can’t pretend to understand why you want to get rid of a part of who you are, but it wasn’t fair of me to say that.’ His hand was still on Lando’s back, not moving. Just a steady, warm weight. ‘But there really isn’t anything wrong with being a little. And I’m looking forward to getting to know that part of you more.’
Lando could feel his eyes burning. He squeezed his eyes closed. He didn’t want to cry.
Oscar pressed a soft kiss against his shoulder, and Lando shivered slightly.
‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered.
‘What for?’ Oscar’s voice was close. Not demanding, just curious, like he couldn’t imagine what there could be to apologise for. Lando could feel the warmth of him behind him. He didn’t want to turn around, didn’t want to look Oscar in the eye.
‘I dunno,’ he whispered again. ‘For everything, for asking so much and needing so much when I can’t even give you anything in return…’
‘Hey, shh shh shh.’ Oscar put his hand back on Lando’s back. ‘You don’t have anything to apologise for.’
Lando’s throat tightened. He still couldn’t turn, but he leant a little into Oscar’s gentle touch.
‘I mean it,’ Oscar continued, in a soft voice. ‘You’re not too much, you don’t need too much. I know it doesn’t feel like that, but you’re not this… this weight I have to carry. You’re not a burden, Lando. You matter to me. All of you. Even the part you keep trying to push away. Maybe even especially that part.’
‘I don’t want it to matter to anyone.’ Lando’s voice cracked. ‘I don’t want it to be something people have to… have to look after.’
Oscar shifted slightly behind him. He stroked his hand up and down Lando’s back. The touch was so gentle, so tender. Lando felt overwhelmed by how safe Oscar could make him feel. ‘It’s not something I have to do, Lando. It’s something I get to do. Do you… do you understand that?’
He took a deep breath.
‘Looking after you, it’s not some… some obligation. It’s not something I’m, I dunno, that I’m tolerating. It’s something that makes sense. It’s right. It’s something I’m made to do. And it’s you, Lando. It’s got to be you, it’s never made more sense than it does with you. So you have nothing to apologise for because looking after you is the first time I’ve ever been sure I’m doing the right thing.’
Lando took a deep breath, turned so he could look at Oscar. His eyes were shining, and he could feel the way his breath shook.
‘You mean that? Like, really?’
Oscar gave him a small smile. ‘Lando, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.’
Lando nodded slowly, just once.
‘I just…’ He rubbed a hand over his face, ‘I just feel stupid for needing it, you know? And for not knowing how… how to do it, like, properly.’
‘There isn’t a right way,’ Oscar smiled again. ‘We’re figuring it out together. This is our first time doing it, right? We’re still getting to know each other.’
‘I think I’m scared, Oscar.’ Lando bit his lip. ‘It was just…like, easier before. When you didn’t know. When no-one knew. Cos even when it was hard or whatever, I didn’t have to worry about what people thought, or what anyone saw. I just got through it and that was it and I don’t think you’re gonna, like, judge me but I just…’ he trailed off. ‘It feels like a lot. Letting someone in.’
Oscar nodded, slow and thoughtful. ‘That makes sense.’ Another beat, then, quieter, ‘It’s ok to be scared.’
He reached out, palm up. Lando hesitated, then slipped his fingers into Oscar’s.
Oscar squeezed his hand gently. ‘Can I ask you something?’
Lando glanced up at him. He felt his throat tighten, but he kept hold of Oscar’s hand.
Oscar took a breath. ‘It’s about the blockers.’
Lando stilled. He looked at the floor, and pressed his thumb against Oscar’s palm.
‘I know now’s probably not the best time, but I’ve just… been thinking about it a lot. I don’t want to push you or tell you to stop or anything like that. I just want to understand. I don’t want to be someone you have to protect yourself from.’
Lando frowned up at Oscar. ‘I’m not trying to protect myself from you.’
‘I know. But you’ve been protecting yourself around me. Around everyone.’
Lando looked away again. ‘It’s easier.’
‘Is it?’ Oscar asked softly.
Lando winced a little. He was still looking away, but his hand was still in Oscar’s, his thumb still pressed against his palm.
‘I keep thinking how badly yesterday could have gone, if I hadn’t found you.’ Oscar’s voice was still gentle, but it trembled at the edges. ‘You weren’t safe Lando. And I know you’re used to dealing with everything on your own, but you don’t have to anymore. You don’t have to push everything down.’
Lando closed his eyes. ‘It’s not that simple though. I don’t want to need help.’
Oscar nodded. ‘I know. But maybe it’s not about needing help all the time? Maybe it’s just… I dunno, letting someone in so when you do, you’re not…alone.’ He paused. ‘I’m not trying to force anything here, Lando. It’s your choice and I know you’re not my little…’
Lando blinked. He thought about Oscar calling him his. My good boy. ‘What if…’ he whispered. He took a deep breath. ‘What if I was? What if I am?’
Oscar squeezed his hand. ‘You don’t have to make any decisions right now. But I don’t think anything would make me happier.’ He smiled at Lando, one of his proper crinkly-eyed smiles and Lando thought, yes, I am yours Oscar Piastri, but he couldn’t say anything so he just squeezed his hand back. ‘We can go at your pace, I just… I want to be a part of it. For now, or for however long you’ll let me.’
Lando leaned forward into him, tucking himself into Oscar’s side. His fingers found the hem of Oscar’s t-shirt.
Oscar kissed his temple. ‘You’re…you’re not alone in this any more. I hope you know that.’
Lando exhaled, nodded against Oscar’s chest, and felt the tears that had been threatening all morning roll down his cheeks.
-
They didn’t speak for a while, just stood pressed in close. Lando’s hand still curled into Oscar’s t-shirt, rubbing the fabric between his fingers. He was still processing the conversation, the way Oscar had said I don’t think anything would make me happier when Lando had said maybe he was his.
For however long you’ll let me. Lando wished he had to words to say, I’d be yours forever if you’d let me. He sighed through his nose.
Oscar kept his arms around him. Their breathing fell into sync.
‘I should have a shower,’ Lando said eventually, muffled against Oscar’s shirt.
Oscar hummed, and rubbed Lando’s back gently before loosening his arms from around Lando. ‘Do you need anything?’ he asked softly.
Lando shook his head. ‘I think I’m ok.’
‘Ok, well, I’m here if you change your mind.’
‘I can do it,’ Lando whispered. ‘But…’ he faltered. Oscar waited. ‘Can you stay close?’ He looked at the floor as he whispered, but glanced up at Oscar when he was done.
Oscar nodded immediately. ‘Always.’
Lando felt the rush of relief. He nodded back. ‘Thank you.’
Oscar reached out and brushed a curl off his forehead. ‘You don’t have to thank me for caring, Lando.’
Lando let out a little laugh at that. He thought of Oscar crouching in front of him the day before, saying the exact same thing. He shrugged, again, said, ‘Kind of feels like I should’, again, but this time his lips were curled up in a smile.
Oscar smiled back. He nodded at the bathroom. ‘Go. I’ll be here.’
-
They moved around each other in an easy kind of orbit. Oscar stayed close, like he promised, but Lando didn’t feel suffocated. He let Oscar help him with his collar, let him gently tug down the sleeves of his hoodie down over his wrists. Let him put a new plaster over the not-quite-healed blister on his thumb, let him press a kiss to the palm of his hand and tell him that he was being so brave.
It wasn’t little space, but it wasn’t really big space either. It was just soft. Gentle. A strange in-between space that felt like golden light in curtains or sunlight filtered through leaves. Lando still felt fragile, felt like he was still rebuilding the walls he needed to face the day. Face the world outside this little bubble of safe.
Oscar never rushed him, though. Let him take the time he needed. Made sure he remembered to take his blocker with a gentle smile that Lando thought was sad round the edges. Another time, he thought. We can talk about this again soon.
Lando sat on the edge of the bed, watching as Oscar moved around him, packing his bag and Lando’s bag for the day. He pulled his bunny into his lap without thinking, stroking its soft ears and rolling the seams between his fingers.
‘Do you want to take him?’ Oscar asked, softly.
‘Can I?’
‘You can. Do you want to?’
‘Isn’t it…like…’
‘Don’t overthink it,’ Oscar interrupted. He held out Lando’s bag. ‘He’ll be safe in here.’
Lando held the bunny out. He stroked his thumb agains its paw.
‘Are you sure it’s…’
‘No one’s going to know, except me and you, and it means he’ll be there with you. Just in case you need him.’
Lando gently put it in his bag.
‘I’m sure he’s looking forward to spending the day with you,’ Oscar smiled. ‘He still doesn’t have a name.’
‘I’m working on it,’ Lando replied.
He watched as Oscar zipped the bag up carefully and handed it over to him. He looked at it critically, as though there might be some kind of sign on there that said, ‘This guy is a little and he’s got a teddy with him’. But it looked the same as it always did, so he shrugged and put it on his back.
He slipped his feet into his shoes, let Oscar crouch in front of him to tighten his laces.
‘We’re gonna have to work on how you tie laces,’ he said, with a smile.
‘What do you mean?’
‘The size of those bows, mate. Like clown shoes or something.’
Oscar rolled his eyes affectionately. ‘There’s nothing wrong with them.’
‘You say that, you’re not the one who has to wear them.’
Oscar stood up from doing his own laces up. Lando looked down and fought hard to keep himself from smiling.
‘Ah, actually…’
‘I guess I’m working on it for both of us, hmm?’
Lando laughed. ‘Yeah I guess so.’
‘Alright, enough. Come on. Let’s go,’ Oscar said with a shake of his head, still smiling.
He opened the door and Lando stepped out into the corridor. Everything felt so different outside of their room. Oscar’s room, really, although all of his stuff had migrated there and it felt so completely theirs. He felt Oscar’s hand on the small of his back, already familiar and steady. He took a shaky breath.
‘Ready?’ Oscar asked, quietly.
‘As I can be.’ He tugged up the hood of his hoodie.
Oscar smiled. ‘Good. We’ll get through it together.’