Chapter Text
As the middle child of the King Boos, Marge isn’t expected to do much. He doesn’t have the authority of the eldest King Boo, and he doesn’t have the expectation to prove himself the youngest suffers from. Instead, he’s free to command his Boos to do what Boos do second best after scaring others…
And that’s pranks and pleasure.
Haunting hotels and casinos, drinking booze, terrorizing buffet lines… It’s the high life for his undead existence.
Which is why whenever anything decides to get in the way of it, it pisses him off. He can’t counter his eldest brother when that King Boo decides to boss him around, but poking fun at the youngest, playing keep away with his toys…?
That’s fair game. Too bad that nice mortal he had as a bartender for a spell didn’t see it that way. Didn’t get that it was all just to mess with the King Boo he was so afraid of…
Weird, then, how they seem close now. Marge sips his drink, musing on the apparent friendship between his youngest brother and that Luigi… Being the indulgent type, Marge knows a thing or two about how mortals tend to court each other… How different it is from Boos.
He thought Luigi being mortal meant he wouldn’t want to be courted the way a Boo would… That his fear meant he didn’t like Youngest and would be on board to mess with him. That Luigi wouldn’t want to be friends with Youngest…
And yet here they are, with the youngest spilling his ectoplasm out to him and the eldest about whatever the hell happened after that Jamboree, slapping at a letter that Luigi supposedly wrote, and talking about conspiracies involving some clown…
Maybe the same clown who the youngest accidentally got tricked into pissing dear ol’ Mom in the Underwhere off by making her give him an extra life? Eh, Marge stopped paying attention three drinks in.
“Can you believe this idiot?” Marge asks the bartender. “I came here to get away from these losers, away from my usual bars so they won’t look for me, and they follow me anyway.”
“Like a couple of ducklings,” the bartender agrees.
“Do you mind?” the youngest demands. “This is serious.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Marge says. “You let your stupid green guy get away again or something. Hey, look, just forget about that guy. Waluigi, you looking for a partner? My stupid little brother’s favorite color is purple.”
Waluigi, their bartender for the evening, waggles his brow and produces a rose from behind the bar. “I am on the clock, if you wanted a little flirting…?”
“No,” the youngest hisses. “You’re not fun to scare!”
Waluigi laughs. He hands the rose to the oldest King Boo who blushes and covers his face to disappear. “Just as well. I’m in a relationship already.”
Marge snickers. “Oh yeah? Good for you. I’m telling ya, lil bro, the best guys you can get are great bartenders. What kinda person are you dating, Wally?”
Waluigi winks. “Wah… Not my job to kiss and tell. I keep my private life to myself. You never hear about me going on these wacky adventures like those Mario Bros and Bowser or whoever, right?”
The eldest King Boo reappears. “Oh, right… I usually only see you at the same games I’m also invited to…”
“I make time for my friends.” Waluigi motions at another patron who sits at the bar and raises a hand to call for a drink. “But this is my night job. I’ll be right back. Don’t kill each other.”
Marge snickers and nudges the youngest sitting next to him as Waluigi slips off to serve the other patron drinks. “See, why can’t you be chill like this guy? Stop trying so hard. It’s not like you could do any better than the Old Boo here, and he’s gonna be single forever.”
The youngest glares at him. “This isn’t about my romance with— You tried to take him away from me! You’re only here because the oldest said you should be in on this. I didn’t even know why you started flirting with him. Is green your favorite color or something? Lousy jerk— You only can see colors because you do sooo many—”
“Not in front of Eldest, ya little brat,” Marge growls. “Besides, my favorite is actually red.”
“…Oh, so you rather get with Mario?”
“Ugh! No way!” Marge snorts. “That guy threw peppers at me. What an asshole.”
“You didn’t have to eat the peppers,” the Eldest reminds.
“He was hand feeding me free food!” Marge counters. “It was cute! Then he threw peppers in my mouth. Multiple times! What a jerk— I wasn’t even doing anything. I was on vacation.”
The youngest rolls his eyes. “Eh… Can we get back to what I wanted to talk about…? Eldest, tell Marge why he should listen.”
The Eldest hums. “You ought to listen, Marge… Because if you don’t, I will cut you off.”
“I don’t drink and drive,” Marge counters.
“Bartender,” the Eldest says. “No more drinks for Marge until I say so.”
Marge gasps. “Oh! You—!” He recoils as the Eldest glares at him. “A-Ah… Right… Alright, I’ll sober up for this, but I won’t be happy about it.”
“Now, youngest,” the Eldest nudges the Boo in question. “Repeat what you said. It seems Marge wasn’t listening.”
The youngest grumbles before sighing and smacking the letter again. “That clown’s manipulating Luigi still, somehow, even after I cut the strings he had on him. And he might not have been dead the entire time he was in the Underwhere since he had sent Luigi and Mario there while they were still alive so he may just have been a prisoner. And also Luigi and Mario aren’t from this side of the world, they’re from that ‘real’ world place.”
“Oh,” Marge says. “Is that all? So, what, the contract lawyering was just a jail break?”
“No,” the Eldest says. “I reviewed it, even if you two were content to just skim. He had died, but wasn’t anymore. The phrase ‘extra life’ popped up…”
“Eh…” Marge stares longingly at his drink. “What do Mortals use for extra lives again…? Those green mushrooms?”
“Sometimes,” the Eldest nods. “But also Hearts.”
“Like that weird Chaos Heart Luigi has?” Marge fiddles with the bar napkins, starting to fold them like origami. “What, did resetting the timeline give him an extra Heart?”
The Youngest squints. “Did that guy have one to start with…?”
“The Chaos Heart,” the Eldest says. “He shared that with Luigi, remember…? It was in that story of how he and Luigi met…”
“Oh.” The Youngest shakes his head. “Nah, that’s stupid. He didn’t get a full Heart back, when the timeline reset. Luigi would have gotten his half back…”
Marge takes the two origami swans or cranes or whatever bird it is he made and crushes them together. “Two halves make a whole. There’s your problem. One half of his heart is still alive. Of course he’d want the right to reunite with it. It’s, uh…” Marge squints at his swan/crane mess. “Soul mate rules, I think. Old guy, is that soul mate rules?”
“That’s…” The Eldest sneers at the swan mess. “Stop playing with trash, Marge.”
“You take my drinks, I play with trash, old man!”
“Alright,” the Eldest groans. “One drink. For now.”
Marge flags down Waluigi. “What’s the most alcoholic single drink you have on the menu?” He grins at the Eldest’s annoyed expression.
“Wah…” Waluigi scratches his neck. “Eh, I’m legally required to warn you about the dangers of—”
“I’m undead,” Marge says. “Just give me a slip with the details on it to cover your ass and give me that drink.”
“Okay, okay…” Waluigi flips a card out of his pocket and slides it over. He goes to pour the drink, doing his usual show of dancing and theatrics as he mixes liquids together.
“…Wow,” the youngest says. “You’re into weird things.”
“Hey, you get the Scares market, I get the Pleasures market,” Marge says, watching Waluigi work. “You know that guy does dance lessons too?”
“You sure you don’t want to get with him?” Youngest asks, snicker at Marge. He takes the card with the drink info and slides it to Eldest.
Marge scowls. “No. I’m not bothering with Mortals. That’s weird enough.”
“This is just a business card for Dr. Mario,” Eldest says, squinting at the card. “With a note that says ‘Let them suffer the consequences of their own choices.’”
The youngest howls with laughter, smacking the bar top in delight. “Really?! What kind of doctor…”
“Oopsie!” Waluigi snatches the card back and switches it with a different one. “Wah, sorry! That one is for Mario if he and Kamek come in.”
The Eldest reads over the new note. “Marge, you should not drink this.”
“Unless it’s got Pure Water in it, I’m drinking it,” Marge scoffs.
“Fine,” the Eldest says.
“Wait,” the youngest says. “Why do Luigi’s brother and…” He leans over to the Eldest. “Who’s Kamek?”
“Bowser’s father, I think?” the Eldest whispers back.
“Why do Luigi’s brother and Bowser’s dad get a special card?”
“I dunno,” Waluigi shrugs, sliding Marge his drink. “Patient-Doctor confidentiality. Doc wouldn’t tell me, just said if they stop by and ask for anything weird to give ‘em that.”
“Huh…” Youngest squints. “Hey, are you from that other world like Luigi and Mario…? Are you related to Wario…?”
“Wah? No? Neither?” Waluigi grabs a towel and starts to dry a freshly rinsed glass. “I’m from this side. I met Wario at a mixer. We hang out, but I’m not involved in any of their business. My only connection to the Mario family is by marriage.”
“What?”
“But I kept the name Waluigi, so no one bothers me about that.”
“That’s not your first name?”
“Antonio Waluigi,” Waluigi winks.
The youngest squints. “Are you lying?”
“I might be,” Waluigi laughs. He eyes Marge and bolts.
“Huh…?” the youngest looks up at Marge, whose face is very gray all of a sudden. “What’s up with you…?”
The Eldest pulls Youngest back, turning the two of them intangible when Marge suddenly spits out a lot of fire. Waluigi comes back with a fire extinguisher and hoses down the flames. The other patrons at the bar stare until the commotion finally calms down. They return to their business while the Eldest and Youngest come back into sight and Marge gratefully takes a bucket of ice from Waluigi and sticks the entire bucket into his mouth to chew on.
Youngest looks up at Eldest. “Spice?”
“Spice,” Eldest says. “I warned him.”
Youngest hums. He grabs his letter from Luigi. “Think I should talk about this with Queen Jaydes, or…?”
“Yeah, that might be better than asking us,” Eldest says. “Tell Mom I said hi.”
“Can I tell her about…?”
“Oh, please tell her what Marge just did.”
The youngest cackles. “Good night,” he says, flipping in the air and diving down through the floor to leave.
Marge spits out the bucket. “I’m gonna quit eating AND drinking. What do you mean drinks can be spicy too?”
“And that’s why I think we should try putting maple syrup into the penne arrabiata,” Mario finishes explaining to Kamek who nods in equal consideration.
The door to the kitchen slams open.
“MARIO!” Mr. Luigi shouts before shouting more in Italian with the occasional English thrown in. Mario holds up his hands in peace, stammering back in his own Italian with the occasional English.
Kamek stands to the side, watching and smiling as he mentally takes notes on the two brothers. He isn’t quite sure what they’re saying, but it’s fascinating none the less, between the rapid speaking and wild gesticulations from the two of them. He catches a few words in English that pique his interest, but he isn’t sure the context with how angrily Mr. Luigi speaks and how timid Mario is in return. “Data maps” and “Bowser” and “Code”... Whatever the conversation may be about, Kamek doesn’t get the chance to figure it out.
“Out!” Mr. Luigi finally says, pointing towards the door. “Both of you!”
Kamek startles. “Me?” he asks, innocently pointing at himself. “Why?”
“No maple syrup in the penne arrabiata!” Mr. Luigi says. “Out, out, I’ll cook it myself!”
Kamek pouts. “Fine. Though what is wrong with your hat?”
“Out!” Mr. Luigi says again.
Mario sighs and shakes his head. “Come on, Kamek, let’s go— He’ll be less frustrated if we give him space.”
“Alright, if you say so,” Kamek says, grabbing Mario by the collar to pull him onto the broom. They fly out of the kitchen, giving Mr. Luigi space to cook. “But about his hat,” Kamek says to Mario.
“Ah, yes, he just explained,” Mario says. “King Boo’s handiwork, apparently. That’s the only part of the Mr. L outfit he can’t take off right now…”
“So like the wedding ring from before,” Kamek hums. “Hmm, I believe your brother may be a little too trusting, to fall for the same trick twice… And this time from the person he knew pulled the trick the first time and not an impostor…”
Mario shrugs. “He’s kind, and he’s friendly. And King Boo has been friendlier, so I believe he wants to see the good in him.”
“Anyway, if we’re not going to cook tonight’s dinner, would you like to see a fun maze I set up~?”
“Not yet, I want to see if Bowser knows what happened with Dimentio first.”
“Oh, right,” Kamek hums. “I suppose that is more important…”
They find Bowser by the warp pipe that leads to Luigi’s mansion, tapping his foot as he waits for something. He looks up, pulling a look of disgust at Kamek and Mario riding together on Kamek’s broom.
“He’s not your new son, is he?” Bowser asks. “I’m still your favorite, right?”
“Oh, of course, your nastiness,” Kamek says.
“Do I gotta start giving you bugs too? You want, uh… some for your birthday or something? I can find something with fleas, maybe.”
“No— No, thank you, your vileness.”
“Maybe some roaches? I bet King Boo has some roaches in his mansion.”
“I appreciate the offer, my liege, but that is unnecessary…”
Bowser snorts as the warp pipe activates and a pair of princesses jump out. “Oh, so you don’t like my gifts, but I bet you’d like it if Mario gave you fleas.”
“Woah, what are we talking about?” Daisy asks. She laughs when Mario blushes and covers his eyes with his hat. “Does Mario have fleas? What?”
Peach sighs. “Bowser, do I want to know the context…?”
“Mario gave Kamek a weird beetle!” Bowser says. “Now Mario is his favorite!”
“My Lord, please,” Kamek sighs. “Mario wanted to know what you found out about Dimentio. You did punch his checkpoint, so I assume it led you to him.”
“Oh, yeah.” Bowser laughs. “Unlike you nerds, I actually figured out a way to keep him captive. I’ll show you over dinner. You didn’t put something weird in it, did you?”
“No,” Kamek sighs. “Luigi intervened before we could try putting Maple Syrup in it.”
Peach squints. “Mario, whose idea was it to put Maple Syrup in… What are we having?”
“Penne arrabiata,” Mario mumbles.
“Whose idea was it to put Maple Syrup in penne arrabiata?”
“Wow,” Daisy says. “No wonder you two wouldn’t have worked out.” She grins and grabs Peach to pull her in, pressing their cheeks together and winking at Bowser. “That means I’m better than both of you.”
“Let’s just go eat,” Bowser says. “You nerds are gonna flip when you see what I did.”
Soon after, everyone is seated at the table. Daisy looks around.
“No kids today?” Daisy asks.
“Oh, the kids are way too messy,” Bowser says. “They get their own dinner table in the next room when I’ve got guests over. Kammy and Kamek make sure they get fed, but someone decided to let it just be Kammy’s job today.”
Kamek looks at Mario. “Mario, how could you?”
Mario snorts and snickers. Peach hums and lifts her brow.
“Oh, you are a dangerous couple,” Peach hums. “We’re going to have to draw up new regulations for you two specifically.”
Kamek frowns. “Your highness, we are not a couple.”
“They’re just nerds,” Bowser says. “Now—” He pauses and grins when Mr. Luigi walks in and takes a seat beside him. “There you are! I was wondering if you were gonna let my minions serve us or do that job too.”
“Oh, no,” Mr. Luigi smiles. “After I got Mario and Kamek out of the kitchen, I gave the correct recipe to the chefs and then went back to trying to get the hat off…” He looks at Peach and Daisy who both eye the hat warily. He points at it. “King Boo. I’m still just Luigi— Mr. Luigi if you want to play along.”
“I probably will not,” Peach says. “Especially since Dimentio is still at large…?”
“I know where he is,” Bowser scoffs. “Give me a moment! I want to try this pasta first. Luigi’s been raving about since I got him back…”
Some of Bowser’s minions wheel out the pasta and serve it to everyone. Mr. Luigi watches Bowser take the first bite…
Bowser’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. He grins at Luigi. “You like this kinda stuff? That’s good! Who told you Koopas love spice?”
“King Boo, actually,” Mr. Luigi laughs. “Is it spicy enough?”
“It’s perfect!” He eyes Peach desperately grabbing both her cup of water and stealing Daisy’s after. “But, uh, I think Miss Eats Only Sweets here might be having a hard time.”
“Aw, babe,” Daisy sighs. “We’ll work on your spice tolerance.”
“I can handle spice!” Peach coughs. “You try it!”
Daisy takes a bite. “…Babe, I eat stuff hotter than this all the time.”
“Show off,” Mario mumbles into his water.
Mr. Luigi finally eats some of his own meal and hums. “Ah— Sì, a bit spicier than I prefer…” He coughs a little and goes for his cup. “But, ah, not the worst I’ve had. Mario, remember Nona’s?”
Mario grimaces. “An entire jar of pepper flakes…”
“Forgot her glasses, did not see the lid had fallen off…”
“Now consider if we had put Maple Syrup in this instead…”
Mr. Luigi frowns. “If you were not Kamek’s guest, I would make you leave.”
“Anyway!” Daisy says. “Deets! Where were you after King Boo kidnapped you, huh?”
“Oh!” Mr. Luigi blinks. “I was with King Boo the entire time. Bowser found me right away, and King Boo let met stay until Bowser could deal with Dimentio. He came back to get me after saying it was okay… He hasn’t told me what happened with Dimentio yet.”
“He was sure to have found him,” Kamek says. “We tracked down where Dimentio put a check point in order to use his dimension magic and Lord Bowser, ah… punched the check point and teleported himself to Dimentio…”
“You punched it?” Peach asks.
“He broke it,” Kamek adds.
“Yeah, and?” Bowser says. “I got Dimentio captive.”
“Where?” Peach asks. “Considering how often I’ve escaped from you with or without Mario’s help…”
“Well…” Bowser opens up his inventory space.
“Will you PLEASE let me out now?!” Dimentio yells from the box he’s in.
“Bowser!” Peach gasps. “Is that the inventory from the Jamboree? You aren’t supposed to take that!”
“You put him in an inventory space?!” Mr. Luigi gasps. “I didn’t know people could go into the inventory— Ow!” Mr. Luigi winces as Mario jumps out of his seat and onto Mr. Luigi’s shoulders to peer at Dimentio. Dimentio recoils at Mario staring at him, and Bowser also looks perturbed by how close Mario is.
“Oh, I have to suspect it ties into his dimensional magic capabilities!” Mario gasps. “The inventory spaces are similar to how his dimension boxes work after all, and since he was in Dimension Two before ‘dying’ and coming back in Dimension AO3, that would enable him to ‘fit’ better into the inventory boxes— Does that mean he’s considered an item here? Kamek—?”
Kamek swoops in onto Bowser’s other side. Dimentio looks distraught by the sudden attention. “If not an item, perhaps there’s a glitch to make him act as an item— Which means if we took him and put him into your inventory, we could attempt a Key Item Overflow—”
“No!” Mr. Luigi shoves Mario off his shoulders and onto the ground. “Do not do that one! We are not eating Dimentio!”
Daisy spits out her drink. “What?!”
Mr. Luigi motions at Mario. “It was bad enough when he ate a calculator! And Bowser, you had Dimentio in your Inventory the entire time?”
“Yeah?” Bowser asks.
“Some of the items are sentient! They can see what you’re doing when they’re in there!”
Bowser blushes. “Oh! Uh! Hmm!”
Dimentio grins and leans toward Mr. Luigi. “I admit, I don’t like to play voyeur, but getting a taste of how you act as Mr. L is, well…” He looks past Mr. Luigi at Mario. “…Wait, did you correctly identify not only the dimension where we met but this one…?”
Mario jumps back up and nods.
Dimentio scoffs. “You’re the silent protagonist! Did your strange…” He motions at Kamek. “Whatever this is to you tell you about those or…?”
“Oh, no,” Kamek laughs. “He surprised me too! Did you know he’s the one who researched and helped Dr. Mario write the paper on Integer Overflow Syndrome?”
Dimentio gasps, grinning and leaning towards Kamek, one hand under his chin. “Did he? That’s one of my favorites! It was my inspiration for the original iteration of Dimension D! Have you read the one on the 0 HP glitch? That’s another fascinating one, the legwork to study that one…”
“Oh!” Mario nods. “I loved researching that one— The timing needed to avoid ending your game is precise, but by the time I figured out how to do it consistently, I had enough research for my cousin to write the paper and I was undead for several hours.”
“That poor man,” Mr. Luigi gasps. “No wonder he hates having to treat you.”
“I’m fond of the Endless Boost Effect,” Mario continues. “Where you use certain items that provide a boost to your abilities, get knocked out, and then revive and repeat and can stack the boost until you run out of items!”
“You studied that one too?” Dimentio asks. “I had no idea! What about—?”
“Sorry,” Daisy says. “Are you flirting with Mario now? Peach, I thought you said this guy had a thing for Luigi…”
Dimentio sputters indignantly. “I am not! I—! Who even are you? I don’t recognize you.”
“Hi!” She winks. “I’m Daisy. And you’re that dimwit or whatever, right?”
Dimentio frowns. “I am not—! I am Dimentio, the charming magician! I am…”
“Still in my inventory,” Bowser reminds. “I ought to just close that up now, actually.”
“Wait, no, my liege,” Kamek gasps. “I want to study this more! Mario, back me up here.”
“Yes!” Mario nods. “How did Dimentio get classified as an item? Those inventory spaces are only meant to hold items from the Jamboree. What item number has he been given?”
“Will using him cause the same effect as the item he is replacing?” Kamek asks. “Will he have an effect if we’re not on a game board?”
“Oh, I am in hell,” Dimentio laughs. “This is actually a punishment. Of course coming back to life would not get me what I wanted, all of you are hyperactive dogs distracted by every squirrel to cross your line of sight!”
“No,” Mr. Luigi says, swirling his cup of water while looking at Mario in annoyance. “Just Mario and Kamek. I think maybe I don’t approve of your friendship after all.”
Mario frowns. “Well, you don’t have to be rude about it…”
Mr. Luigi shrugs and takes a sip of his drink before looking up and locking eyes with Dimentio. Dimentio smiles and winks.
“Well, all this talk of glitches reminds me,” Dimentio says. “I did have to set a new checkpoint, and seeing how I have been anywhere Bowser has been since he added me to his inventory, I had plenty of time to slip one somewhere. While I could have pulled a disappearing act…” He snaps his fingers, disappearing from Bowser’s inventory. Two coins drop and hit Bowser on the head and the Inventory space closes up.
“Ow.” Bowser rubs his head and gingerly picks up the coins. “What…?”
“Ah, I see,” Kamek nods. “Loadstone. Mario, take note.”
Dimentio reappears between Mario and Mr. Luigi who both freeze. “Yes, take note, and this.” He hands a slip of paper to Mario. “Let’s chat more, I had no idea you were on my level, do you happen to know about Golden Beetles from Booster Hill? Anyway, call me, I’ll be taking this now.” He grabs Mr. Luigi by the arm and snaps his fingers again.
The two of them disappear before anyone has a chance to react, too stunned by whatever just happened.
Bowser stands up. “Mario, I’m gonna kill you.”
“He gave you his phone number?!” Daisy gasps. “Oh my gosh, what the fu—”
“Just one dinner,” Peach says, rubbing her forehead. “Just one nice dinner, that’s all I want.”
Kamek floats over to Mario’s side and squints at the number on the slip of paper. “He put little hearts on it.”
“Why do you sound jealous?” Bowser demands. “You two aren’t dating! Mario! This is your fault!”
Mario sighs. “…I’mma disappear through the floor now.”
“Wait, what?”
Mario takes several steps back, kicks the floor as if to jump, and falls through instead.
“…Wow,” Daisy says. “Maybe we should let Mario and Dimentio kiss. They’re both freaks.”