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Chapter Text

Chapter One 

“If I’m Ever In The Way”

Buck

Buck rolled his eyes, stifling another groan in hopes to preserve the night's silence. He knew the housing market was in a whole other world at the moment, but this? This was bad. He banged his fist on his laptop before slamming it shut.

So much for "preserving the night's silence." 

He planted his nose between his tented hands and forced himself to breathe. He rubbed his face, combed back his curls. And then, finally, his racing, frustrated heart began to slow. 

"I’ve earned a beer," he thought. 

He couldn't care less that it was well past nine o'clock on a weekday. 

Within the next minute, the promising beverage is his. Buck tilts his head backwards to let the subtle burn and sharp taste of the drink take over. While it already felt like the alcohol was working, Buck knew that that was likely just a placebo effect. But again, he couldn't find the energy to care. Instead, Buck leans against Eddie's kitchen counter and lets go of alllllll his mental ailments. 

Eddie enters the kitchen with a chuckle,  presumably laughing at how Buck is drinking well after nine o'clock on a weekday.

"That bad?" Eddie teases. 

"Mmm-hmm," Buck hums, nodding his head, his eyes closed for optimal frustration release. 

Eddie snorts, followed by the clinking and clanking of the fridge opening and closing. 

Buck opens his eyes and sighs, watching Eddie grimace as he dealt with his stubborn bottle cap. Then, the two raise their beers in a loose "cheers" and take swigs, relishing in the sweet, forgiving quiet together.

Work had run late, and, while they loved being first responders, right now everything was ten times as hard. But, on the plus side, overtime tended to look good in the form of a paycheck.

"You doin' alright Buck?"

Buck hoists himself onto the counter behind him and rests his head on the cabinets.

He shrugs.

"Maybe you should go to bed now? Instead of doom scrolling for apartments?" Eddie suggests, putting the finishing touches on the sandwich he was packing for Christopher’s lunch. 

Buck shakes his head. "I've got no use for sleep right now Eddie. I need to be on the hunt for apartments as much as I can be. You know, so I can get out of your hair as soon as possible," he says, waving his hand as he takes another sip.

Eddie frowns. "Get out of my hair?" He slips the lunchbox into the fridge.

“Yeah I mean. I can't stay here forever."

"Well, I guess not, but—"

“I was just subletting so you could come back."

"I know, and that was—" 

"I just don’t want to interrupt you and Christopher’s whole ‘settling-back-down’ process or impose on your routine." He swallowed. "I'll find—"

"Evan!"

Eddie's snap — much less the sound of his name, — causes Buck to stop short. And when the silence falls around them, Eddie lifts his hands to talk.

"You're right, you can't really stay here forever, I guess. But—imposing on our routine? Interrupting our routine? No, Buck, you're forgetting that you're the whole reason we even have a routine here."

Buck opens his mouth to talk—

"No, stop it, okay? You gave up a lot for me—for us," Eddie corrects. "You do understand that, right? It's important to me that you understand that."

Buck is quick at attempting to counter Eddie's lecture. "I mean, it wasn't that big of a deal. Sure, I… I loved that loft, but I just, I don’t know."

Spiraling is a good word for what Buck is both feeling and doing in this moment. 

"Point is," Buck tries again, willing his thoughts to slow down. "Everything is back to normal now. So, I need to find a new place soon."

Looking at Eddie, Buck wonders how someone could appear so baffled and yet so understanding at once.

"Alright, fine. How about this," Eddie breaches, placing a palm down on his kitchen island. 

"Yeah?" Buck tenses, his shoulders locking uncomfortably. 

"Just listen to me for a moment," Eddie urges softly, his floating hand slowly dropping. 

"For one, I need you to accept the fact that I am beyond grateful for you subletting in the first place. Accept the fact that it was a kindness that I never thought anyone would do for me, okay?"

Buck draws in a breath, and submits to the fact that Eddie's words fought against a few layers of his insecurity.

They always did. 

"Really?" 

Of course, Buck knew that not everyone had the luxury to just move themselves into their best friend's place to hold down the fort for them, but really? Eddie didn’t believe anyone would do anything remotely similar? 

"Really," Eddie repeats.

"Okay fine. I'll accept the fact that I did you a huger kindness than I realized," he tries, wincing at the attempt. 

"Perfect," Eddie beams, causing Buck’s worry to fade. "Now the hard part," he continues, which latches the worry right back onto Buck’s mind. "I need you to listen." 

Buck scoffs and rolls his eyes, amused. "Dick."

Eddie allows himself to laugh, the corners of his mouth raising. "Yeah, sure, call me a dick. Whatever makes you feel better, bud. Anyway. I want you to take as much time as you need with everything."

Buck blinks, then frowns. "What?"

Eddie closes his eyes and purses his lips, and Buck watches his shoulders rise as he draws in a wisp of air. 

"I said—" he starts, voice lower than before "—I want you to take as much time as you need. Take as much time as you need to find a place, Buck. Another week, two months, a year. I honestly don't care. It's my way of thanking you, alright?"

Oh. 

"Oh… I mean…" Buck trails off, struggling to find a rebuttal. He chews at his bottom lip, rubs the back of his neck. "You’re sure?"

His shoulders fall in surrender, deciding for him that he's done arguing. If Eddie is being serious, then he wins this round.

Eddie nods. "One hundred percent sure, Buck. There's no way I'm letting myself pressure you into moving out anytime soon. Especially after what you've done for Chris and I these past few months, okay?"

Reluctantly, Buck nods. "Okay," he sighs, throwing up his hands in defeat. 

The change in Eddie’s demeanor is nothing but relief, but Buck still can't help but feel bad that he had stressed his friend out, that he had worried him. He felt even worse knowing that his rush to get out of the Diaz residence didn’t just come from feeling like he was inserting himself into the wrong dynamic, but somewhere he shouldn’t be entirely. 

“I mean, you’re living in the guy's house!”

Tommy’s words had done nothing but haunt Buck for the last month, and Buck was getting tired of feeling pathetic or having his actions attached to reasons that didn't correlate. So, at the end of the day, this was Eddie's house, and it was time that Buck started acting like it. 

"Okay, well," Eddie sighs, looking down at his beer and frowning again. "I don't really know why I got this out."

"Are you going to bed?" Buck dangles his legs over the counter, palms folded over and gripping the edge of the polished stone.

Eddie nods. 

"I'll just finish it for you," Buck offers, reaching out a free hand to take the bottle. He places it beside him, where it is destined to be forgotten. 

As Eddie passes Buck on his way to bed, he pauses, taking a moment to meet his friends gaze. Buck shivers under his stare.

"Goodnight Buck," Eddie bids, squeezing Buck's shoulder. 

"Goodnight Eddie," Buck whispers in return, to the man that was already gone from sight.

Chapter Text

Chapter Two 

“Here and Now, Going and Gone”

Eddie 

It has only been a month since Bobby's death, but has felt like eons longer. Without him, the station froze over and trapped workers below a thick, vicious ice. But now, despite what the world took, the 118 Firehouse is finally starting to warm up again, starting to buzz with life. Each sunrise since that terrible night brought fresh air to breathe, allowing each survivor a chance to both feel and be alive, because of what they'd overcome. It was empowering, to say the least. 

At the dining table, Eddie finds himself lounging back in his designated chair, contemplating his newfound gratefulness. He taps an empty cup to the wood mindlessly, making thuds in beat with his internal thoughts. 

He was home.

Home.

What a word. Seven, eight years ago, he would've never thought to call Los Angeles home, but oh how things change. Eddie indulged in a private smile, thinking back to how Hen and Karen had teased him, how he tried to mark it off as just a slip up. Not that they had even believed him anyway. 

Eddie's thoughts are bracketed by a yawn, and he brings his free hand up to his mouth to conceal it.

This shift was a long one. The bells had gone off more times than he could count, and it was only 2:00 PM. But, he'd be lying if he said he hadn't missed the chaos of the 118. 

A large part of Eddie was truly relieved that he didn't get to step foot into the El Paso Fire Station as officially one of theirs — it would've felt like betrayal, he thinks. However, he does sincerely hope they found a new recruit to replace what would've been his spot. He feels a bit guilty about bailing on the Captain.

“It’s been good having you back Eddie,” Ravi sighs, drumming his hands on the table, equally mindless. 

The confession comes out of nowhere, and Eddie is snatched away from his deepening thoughts in a snap. He hadn’t even noticed that Ravi had sat down in front of him until he spoke. 

“Uh... Thank you?” 

“I mean it man!” Ravi upholds. 

“I wasn't saying you didn't," Eddie chuckles. "I was just caught off guard. I'm thankful, I promise."

“Ahh,” Ravi smiles, nodding and letting his eyes wander elsewhere.

Eddie smiles back.

Ravi was a respectable addition to the team, one of his favorites. He had instincts you can't teach and skills he had sharpened over the years. And as much as Eddie hated to admit it, Buck had done a brilliant job at showing him the ropes, even though it wasn't in his job description. But that's just Buck, isn't it? 

“What’s the best part of me being back?” Eddie inquires, leaning forward to cross his arms over the table. 

Ravi took the opposite approach, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms over his chest. He squints his eyes as he ponders the question. And after a moment, when Ravi begins to laugh to himself, Eddie is suddenly actually curious to know the answer. He cocks his head in confusion.

“Well, for one, Buck was insufferable without you,” he shouts, turning his head towards the kitchen to see if his insult landed. It did, and Ravi was rewarded with a glare from the chef. 

Eddie throws his head back in a laugh, and watches Buck go back to chopping greens. The sight of him — an apron tied around his waist and neck, towel tossed over his shoulder — it's grounding, familiar. Buck worked so absent mindedly now, cooking having become his second nature. 

When a cloud of steam rose and hissed from the pan behind him, Buck swiftly turned and smacked it away with the cloth off his shoulder. He would then grab the pan's handle and gently toss the veggies and meat inside it, watching them fly above the skillet’s rim before disappearing below it. 

Eddie smiles again, and adds “Chef Buck” to his mental list of things to be grateful for. 

“Well,” Eddie sighs, shifting back in his seat, “I'm not very hard to miss.” 

Buck now points a glare towards Eddie, and rolls his eyes when Eddie and Ravi burst into snickers and giggles again. 

—

After a few more minutes of banter and chit-chat, Buck finally rings the dinner bell. The crew jumps at the meal, voraciously craving Bobby’s mouth-watering Chicken Stir Fry. Buck has to hold the bowl high above his team to stop them from taking any before he even reaches the table. 

Buck heaves a sigh when people take up portions for themselves and walk off from the dining space. But Eddie waits until Buck finds his gaze, and pats the chair beside him when he does. Buck takes the hint and nods as he moves to slide in. 

Ravi stays seated where he is, across from Eddie. They both sit one row from the Captains seat, which Hen fills when she's back from the restroom. And when he arrives, Chimney swiftly claims the last empty seat next to his best friend. 

Buck seems to perk up at their company, which relieves Eddie. The rest of the team has scattered, but, thankfully, a handful of them have at least choosen to stay in the loft to eat.

Eddie knows Buck is grateful for everyone's reunification attempts, but he also knows how badly Buck wants things to return to normal, permanently. Even if that wasn't possible.

“So Eddie,” Chimney starts. “Glad you stayed?” 

Eddie grins. “Yeah, yeah I am.” 

“I’m gonna start calling you fomo,” Hen says matter of factly, pointing with her empty fork. Eddie scowls at her teasing. He's beginning to regret cracking that joke on scene. 

It's Buck’s turn to snicker. “He was so eager to leave us, and look what happened,” he smirks. 

“Whoa there Buckley. Let’s not forget you almost jumped ship too,” Chim points out. 

“That’s different!” Buck protests, his mouth full. 

Immediately, he's met with a unanimous opposing hum from everyone at the table. Buck scoffs at their disapproval. 

It wasn't different, not really. But again, Eddie knows why Buck was a hair away from transferring out. He had felt everyone he loved slipping away from him, and he had just been trying to do what was best for him in the moment: Leaving first, and not staying in the shell of a firehouse recently stripped bare of the light he thrived in. 

Eddie remembers being glad Buck had folded and stayed too. That everyone did, even himself. 

"So Ravi—" Eddie swallows a piece of chicken "—tell me about Buck's insufferability." 

Buck rolls his eyes again, but Ravi looks up to the ceiling as he sorts through his mental folder for the perfect story. 

"Well," he sighed, "for one, no one could remember my name. They all thought I was you. I mean, even Bobby couldn't remember you were gone." 

Hen and Chimney shake their heads in amusement. 

“I personally thought it was funny,” Chim says, his mouth full. 

Ravi shoots him a glare but continues. "However, I think the worst moment was when I agreed to go out for drinks and ended up just hearing about yours and Buck's dates." 

Eddie didn't feel it, but Buck tensed beside him. 

"Dates?" Eddie chuckles, feeling his cheeks begin to warm.

Ravi laughs at his own joke, clearly not meaning it. "I don't know. But anyway, he just kept rambling on and on about the night you guys went to see that basketball game—" 

"—The one where we used the anniversary tickets to go see. You're talking about that one?" 

"Was that the one where Buck got a boot on his Jeep?" 

"Yeah it was." 

"Then yeah. Well anyway, it was all, 'Eddie changes my tire with the spare!' and 'It’s not illegal! Eddie has a Silver Star, he'd never do anything illegal!' And I'm getting sick of it. I go to buy us more drinks, and guess who I run into?" 

Eddie is grinning, enjoying innocently ripping into Drunk-Buck's rambles. "Who?" 

"Tommy!" Ravi exclaims. 

Something in Eddie twists, and he hesitates before taking his next bite. He chews slowly, mulling it over. 

He himself had loosely mentioned the man a moment ago, but now he wasn’t just a small detail in this story. He was a moving character,  and Eddie wasn’t sure how to feel about that.

Buck abruptly pushes back from the table, shooting Ravi a daggered glare, and the feeling in Eddie's stomach worsens. 

As he opens his mouth to ask Buck "What's wrong?" the bells ring. Buck is quick to discard his plate in the sink and shoot off below deck.

"At least we got to eat," Hen sighs, abandoning her fork like everyone else. 

Eddie is a notable three seconds slower than his crew, still processing Buck’s angered reaction as he stumbles down to the engine bay. 

What the hell just happened?

It was only ten minutes ago that he was appreciating the station's security and finally feeling at peace with being back in L.A. 

Was this the price of his self enjoyment? For the rug to be pulled out from underneath his feet if he enjoyed himself too long? 

Chapter Text

Chapter Three

“I've Known How Your Heart Beats”

Eddie

As soon as their feet hit the engine bay, the 118 split between vehicles. Eddie caught the last moment of Buck hoisting himself into the truck while he and Chimney sprinted to the ambulance. 

Eddie clicked in his seatbelt and shook off the unfamiliarity of being paired with Chim. The partnership was still new and Eddie was unsure if it was a welcome change. Not that working with Chimney was bad, it was just… he missed the chemistry with Buck, that’s all. 

Eddie snapped out of his mini spiral when he noticed the engine speeding out of the station. This is a part of the job he's grateful for, how in a matter of seconds, it forces you to lock away your distractions. Everyone latches into their seats and you're on the move, no time to think about anything else but the emergency ahead of you. 

Moments after the vehicles’ sirens were flicked on and their wheels touched asphalt, dispatcher Josh Russo’s voice crackled through the radios.

Russo, J: “Alright 118. You’re responding to a two-car crash on the West Washington Boulevard and Arlington Avenue intersection. One truck and one minivan. Collision is potentially fatal, bystanders report smoke and no one can get a good visual on the truck driver. The minivan driver appears unconscious. The total number of passengers is unknown.”

Han, H: “Dispatch, what other details can you give me about our minivan driver?”

Russo, J: “There’s blood on her forehead, likely from her airbags being deployed. She remains unmoving, leading our bystander to think she’s unconscious. There’s not much else I can give you at this moment.”

Han, H: “Okay thank you dispatch. Two minutes out.” 

The rest of the drive goes by in a blink. Before Eddie can fully register it, him and other first responders are on scene. 

“Chimney! Eddie! You check the minivan driver. Buck! Panikkar! You’re with me at the truck. Get a line and Jaws!” 

The team dispersed to their respective assignments. Eddie slung a medic bag over his shoulder and followed Chimney to their assigned vehicle. 

“LAFD, can you hear me ma’am?” 

When no response comes, Chimney makes quick work of the car door. Eddie snaps a pair of familiar blue gloves over his hands and reaches for the woman's neck. 

"I've got a pulse!" he shouts. He pivots and hovers his fingers underneath her nose and focuses on her chest. "And signs of breathing!" 

To combat the unconsciousness, he attempts a sternum rub. It only takes a moment for her eyes to flutter open lazily. 

"Ma'am, this is LAFD. How do you feel?" Chimney opens. 

Her gaze darts from place to place — the medics, her cracked windshield, and back to the medics. 

"Wha-what happened? Oh-oh my God oh my God I was in an accident wasn't I?" 

"Ma'am, ma'am!" Eddie holds out his hands reassuringly, dropping his voice when she finds his eyes. 

"You have, but let's slow it down for a minute. What's your name?" 

"S-Sasha," she stutters out, tears threatening to spill over her eye rims. 

"Nice to meet you Sasha. I'm Eddie,” —he gestures to himself— “and this is Firefighter Han.” 

"Hey Sasha, do me a favor and try not to move too much. I'm just going to put this c-collar around your neck, okay?" 

"Okay," she whimpers. Chimney is done in a flash and she seems to relax when he finishes. 

"Alright Sasha. Where does it hurt?" 

"Uhm, I uh... my head," she reaches up to the gash on her forehead and hisses when her hand makes contact. 

"Okay. Anywhere else?"

"My-my chest, it hurts a bit," she gasps.

"Dispatch was probably right about the airbags then," Chimney whispers. Eddie nods in agreement. 

"Yeah, I think I was close to the wheel when I crashed," Sasha confirms. 

Chimney grimaces but brushes past her overhearing his comment.

"Alright, well that helps us a lot. We're going to get you on a gurney now, okay? To take you to the hospital. Just give us a moment."

It's Sasha's turn to nod. Eddie notices that she begins to tremble again, and he grabs her hand in an attempt to comfort her. A tear slides down her face, but she responds with a grateful smile. 

While he waits, Eddie looks around at the rest of the scene to catch himself up with the other half of the emergency. A bigger, mid thirties man is also being lifted onto a gurney, but the real sight is what Buck holds in his arms. 

Eddie has to squint to really understand the situation, but he realizes he's cradling a baby. The sight makes his heart catch. It's always worse when kids are involved in calls — his paternal instincts start running rampant when he and the team move to save one. 

He watches how Buck carefully holds the baby to his chest and thinks he can hear it wailing over the sirens and local chaos. Then he goes to hand the child off, and he can see the moment Buck wavers. 

He lifts the infant into another medic's arms, and as he gives her the rundown, Eddie can see his heartbreak. Not because he thinks anything is wrong, it's just... Buck loves kids, and he knows whenever he meets one on a call, during any safe moment they get, it always seems like he forgets they're on call. Hell, sometimes mid emergency, if the situation isn't too dire. Like whenever he coaxes younger kids off trees, how he drowns out the rest of the world and slows it all down for them, giving each child a gentler perspective of the situation. 

Eddie knows how much it sucks for Buck to walk away from the kid afterwards. To see them run to their mom or dad and break down sobbing in their arms. There's always a faraway look in his eyes, and Eddie knows Buck’s mind is momentarily deep in his childhood.

Eddie sees that now, watching the medic rush away to the ambulance, and he observes Buck as he stands still in the middle of the street. Then how he snaps out of it, taking a deep breath and coming to terms with his surroundings again. Part of that happens to be his old partner, Buck's eyes landing on Eddie's watchful gaze. 

Eddie gives him a smile and a nod, “You're doing good,” the gesture assures. 

Buck gratefully nods back, wiping at his face as he shakes off the interaction, falling into his next assignment via Hen. 

"Alright, one gurney for you Sasha," Chimney announces. Eddie blinks, adjusting back to his position. He reaches inside the car, one arm underneath her legs and the other twisting between her arm, back, and arm again. He extracts Sasha from the van and lays her gently over the gurney. 

As they both wheel her into the ambulance, a fresh set of tears flood her cheeks and Eddie waves over a female co-worker in hopes that at least her presence will help for comfort. He gives them all a wave as he slams the back doors shut and moves to the front of the vehicle. 

One quick sweep of the scene fails to produce a last view of Buck, and Eddie has to force himself to laser back into his current task. He swallows back his disappointment and reminds himself he'll see him back at the firehouse when the scene finishes up. 

—

And he does, about a half an hour after the truck pulls back into the engine bay. But Buck heads straight for the bathrooms and Eddie finds himself disappointed again. So he waits, leaning on the glass railing of the loft until he sees him again. 

But then he doesn't. Ten minutes go by and the station is becoming crowded with B-Shift members, but he still doesn't spot Buck. 

As Eddie checks his watch, realizing it's clock out time, he feels a hand graze his shoulder. 

"See yah next shift, Diaz. Great work out there!" Chimney compliments, smiling as he strolls away. 

"Yeah! Thanks Chim. It was good working with you today," Eddie returns. He spares one more look to the crawling lower floor and decides to follow. 

When they reach the locker room, they pass Ravi on his way out and Buck not making much of an effort to leave. 

He's leaned into his locker, scrolling on his phone. Chimney frowns but minds his own business. Eddie, on the other hand, doesn't know how. He undresses and changes, keeping an eye on Buck. 

Eventually, his friend clicks off his phone and changes too. Chimney leaves with one more departing phrase, and Eddie's heart begins to beat a bit faster. He isn't sure if he should touch this, but he knows he's not okay with Buck's discomfort, and he's tired of not making enough of an effort. So, here goes nothing. 

"Buck?" 

Eddie watches as his shoulders tense.

He knows. 

"Yeah Eddie?" 

"What happened back at dinner?" 

Buck sighs, leaning his forehead against the lockers rim. 

"Buck I mean, did..." Eddie trailed off. He didn't really know how to ask about these things, let alone comfort a person. Buck, in his own way, was usually better than him at this. 

"Did Tommy do something to you? Are you... doing okay?" 

"No," Buck whispered softly. 

"What are you answering?" Eddie asked gently. "I asked two questions." 

"Both. Both questions," Buck clarified. "He didn't... do something to me, but he did say something to me. And no, I'm not really okay right now." 

"Do you want me to talk to him?" The words left Eddie before he realized what he said. 

For a moment, it looked like Buck considered it. But he shook his head. 

"I don't think that's a good idea. He told me you basically cut him out after he and I broke up."

Damn it. Yeah. He had done that, hadn't he? Wasn't that what he always did, blindly follow Buck's lead? 

Eddie wasn't exactly thrilled about how Tommy broke up with Buck. Sure, Tommy had some valid reasons, but why let a relationship with a newly out queer person go so far? No, no. He couldn't think about this too much. The break up was nothing more of his business than Buck made it. But Eddie really didn't like Tommy, did he? 

"Maybe not," Eddie caved. But he hated seeing the light leaving Buck's eyes as he said it, as if Buck had secretly wanted him to push and do it anyway. Clearly, whatever Tommy said in that interaction made Buck feel small, and Eddie loathed people who made Buck feel small. 

"I just. I talked to Maddie about it already, so I'm not like, shutting people out I just..." Buck shook his head. "It's hard to explain." 

Eddie gnawed at the corner of his lip. “Even to me?” he thought selfishly. 

"Alright. I won't push," Eddie decided. 

Buck softened at that, nodding into the metal and relaxing his shoulders. 

"Sorry," he whispered weakly. 

Eddie shook his head. "Nothing to be sorry about, Buck. You come to me when you're ready. I'll see you at home?" 

Buck opened his eyes at the mention of home and sighed. "Yeah, I might be late though. I think I need a moment." 

"Alright no worries. See you soon. I'm sure Christopher will have lots to unload onto you when you walk through the door," Eddie adds lightly. The smile Buck gives back might have been weak, but it was genuine. 

And so Eddie leaves Buck behind, feeling unsatisfied. Like a part of his heart is wounded.

It's hard for him to get that comparison out of his head.

Chapter Text

Chapter Four

“My Wounds Don't Have to Be Yours” 

Buck

Even after the accident from earlier that day, Buck still decided driving with an occupied mind  was a safe idea. It wasn’t, but he was lucky as to not end up in his own car crash. Because, like his steering wheel, his head was spinning.

He doesn't remember how he ended up at the beach — just that he did, and that he doesn't go any further than the parking lot. He doesn't know why he's at the beach, just that he kicks off his shoes and sits cross legged on the hood of his Jeep, letting his thoughts go in and out like the ocean's tide. 

He didn't have to tell Eddie about Tommy's slight, right? God. He was really starting to hate him. So much of what Tommy had said in the past weeks? Months? However long it's been, none of it has added up. And then, he had the audacity to say he was glad Eddie was gone. All because he was jealous. 

Jokes on him, Buck laughed to himself. The "competition" is back, and there's nothing you can do about it. Then he frowned, confused at himself, and brushed the thought away with a grimace. 

What had Tommy thought was going to happen anyway? As if he hadn't said it enough, Eddie wasn't even close to an option. For one, Eddie was straight. 

"This doesn't change a thing between us." 

That's what Eddie had said when he came out to him last year. So again, what did Tommy think was going to happen? He had called Eddie competition... did Tommy think Eddie was going to win Buck over and snatch him away? Did Tommy think Buck would cheat? 

The last hypothetical made Buck's blood boil. It was hypocritical of him to get mad if that's where Tommy's head was at though. He didn't exactly have a clean record in the loyalty department, but he was trying so damn hard to keep himself on the right path. 

Buck leaned back against his windshield and exhaled deeply out his nose. Deciphering Tommy's jealousy was beyond exhausting. Buck didn't entirely know what to make of his ex's comment, but he did know it was insensitive, and he had been well within his rights to let him know that. 

"I don't have to have feelings for everyone I sleep with and I don't have to sleep with everyone I have feelings for." 

What the hell did that even mean? Buck had regretted spewing the insult the second it left his tongue.

For one, it didn't get his point across, not really.

For two, he had hurt Tommy's feelings, without getting a chance to apologize. Sure, he had kind of wanted to knock Tommy down a peg, but seeing how his face had gone slack punched Buck in the gut. 

As he replayed the moment in his head, Buck's chest started to tighten and his eyes started to water, beginning to feel all the betrayal weigh down on him. Not only had Tommy viewed Eddie as competition, but he was adamant that there was something between them both and he wanted him out of the way. And with everything Eddie was going through too.

"Sir?" 

A nearby voice snapped him out of his thoughts. He flicked his eyes open to face it. 

A woman dressed in a black one piece and a blue baseball cap stood a few feet away from his car, concerned. 

"Uh... hi?" 

"Hi, sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, but I saw you were crying but didn't have anything with you. Here's some water, to stay hydrated."

She held out a cheap, plastic, water bottle slick with condensation to him. Stunned, he almost forgot how to reach over and accept items handed to him. She gave him an amused smile when he stumbled to grab it.

"I hope it helps, and I hope whatever is on your mind passes," she wished, turning back to the beach.

The woman walked away, but Buck remained dumbfounded. 

"Uh, thank you!" he called out, hoping she wasn't too far to hear him. 

His mind settled when she turned back and smiled again, the man beside her also giving him a polite nod. Buck looked back down at the water bottle and twisted off the cap. He let a tear fall down his face as he took a drink, letting the cold liquid overtake everything he felt, for just this second. 

At the same moment, his phone pinged. In the "Fire Fam" group chat, Maddie sent a picture of Jee holding baby Robby. Buck smiled down at his niece and nephew, before "hearting" the picture. 

Maddie's photo was immediately followed with goofy .5's of the Wilson kids. Mara had her tongue sticking out, Denny copying the pose. 

Then, Eddie jumped on the trend. The picture he sent was a selfie of him and Chris, but only one of them was smiling. Christopher was just giving his father the signature annoyed teenage stare, peering at him over his glasses. 

Buck couldn't help but laugh as he wiped off his face. While he gave everyone else hearts, Eddie's picture earned a laughing emoji from him. 

Buck slipped his phone into his pocket and slid off his hood onto the burning pavement. Hissing, he scrambled for his shoes and jumped in the Jeep. 

As he moved his phone to the center console, he watched a new text appear on his lockscreen. 

Eddie: On your way yet? 

Buck opened the message.

Buck: Yeah, headed your way now 

When Eddie hit him with his signature "thumbs up" emoji, Buck couldn't help but laugh again. Eddie was such a dad; not that that was a bad thing. Being a father was easily one of his best qualities. After all, it was a big reason Buck even respected Eddie in the first place, and it was the reason Buck had a temporary home to get back to. So on he drove, back home to his Diaz boys. 

He couldn't help but smile the whole drive there, and he couldn't help but smile even bigger when he walked through the door. A warm, fuzzy feeling developed when he spotted Christopher on the couch and Eddie walking in from the hallway. Joining Christopher on the couch, Buck let himself forget about Tommy. 

Because him and Eddie were just friends, right?

Chapter Text

Chapter Five 

“I'll Love You Relentlessly, Even When You Don't Want Me To” 

(Dual P.O.V.) 

It was the morning after Buck's emergency beach visit when he woke to sounds of movement in the kitchen. Groggily, he pushed off his pillow and onto his elbows to rub at his face. As he adjusted to the morning, he realized the sounds of cabinets and the fridge closing meant someone who wasn't him was attempting to cook. He pushed himself up enough to peer over the back of the couch and squinted at the kitchen. 

“Eddie?” 

The man in question muttered something underneath his breath that Buck couldn't hear but assumed were curse words. 

“Did I wake you?” Eddie whispered back. 

“Uh, ha, yeah, you did. But it's"—Buck interrupted himself with a yawn—“ah, fine.” He let his face plummet back onto his pillow as he exhaled any last bit of fatigue. 

“Sorry.” 

“Iz fine,” Buck slurred into his pillow. "What are you making? Eggs and toast?” 

“Uh, no…” 

Buck frowned. “Eddie…” 

“I'm making pancakes…” 

And suddenly, Buck didn’t feel so sleepy anymore. 

“Uh-uh. No, no. Pancakes? Eddie. Get out of that kitchen!” 

“Oh c'mon! That was one time Buck," Eddie whined. "I can't be that bad at making pancakes."

Buck laughed and shook his head. “Yes, Eddie, you can.” He recalled the lumpy messes Eddie made one unfortunate morning and shivered. “If you want pancakes, I'm making them.” 

He rolled off the couch and stretched, releasing another loud yawn. 

“I'm going to go to the bathroom and then I'll get started. And for God's sake, don't touch a single utensil while I'm gone!” 

“But what if-” 

“Nuh-uh, leave that kitchen, right now!” Buck ordered, barely able to contain his laughter. 

—

A few moments later, Buck was in the kitchen absolutely zoned into pancake making. He was cracking eggs and whisking batter left and right, blissfully unaware of how at home he looked. 

Eddie smiled to himself. What Buck didn't know wouldn't hurt him. 

Knock knock. 

Eddie rapped his knuckles against his son's door. 

“Chris! Buck's making pancakes.” 

He heard the boy groan from inside. Not because of the pancakes of course. He just hated when his dad woke him up this early on a school-less morning. 

“Be up soon, okay?” 

“Yeah yeah,” Chris sighed. 

Eddie was beaming as he walked back towards the kitchen.

He had set Buck up. There! That's the big secret. Dios, Eddie felt like a kid the way he was giggling to himself. 

Eddie knew Buck wasn't letting him anywhere near the kitchen when it came to pancakes, so he devised a plan. Make some noise in the kitchen, wake Buck up, and act “sorry” about it. (Of course, he would've liked to let Buck sleep in, but there were things that needed to get done today. Buck would live.) 

Then, Buck would predictably demand to take over breakfast. It would be a fun start to the morning — Buck playing in the kitchen, Chris and Eddie getting one of their favorite meals. 

The execution rolled out flawlessly. 

“Okay, what do you have for uh”—Buck whipped his hands in a circle—“What’s the word? Mix-ins! What do you have for mix-ins?” 

Eddie startled, and scrambled for the fridge. 

“Uh, we have strawberries and blueberries.” 

“Perfect! Should we use both or…?” 

“I like blueberries,” Christopher offered. 

Both adults turned their heads to look at the teen, not realizing he'd entered the room. 

“Blueberries it is,” Buck smiled, accepting the carton Eddie handed him. 

—

After a couple more minutes of waiting, Buck is plating stacks of the fluffy pastries and grabbing more toppings.

The trio ate in silence for the first few bites, relishing in the safety of the home they'd created. None of them could remember the last “pancakes and pajamas” morning, but it wasn't something they chose to mention. They were all thinking it, and they didn't want to feel guiltier than they already felt. So, Eddie broke the sound barrier in a different way. 

“Alright guys. I figured, since Buck will officially staying with us for a while, we'd discuss some ground rules.” 

Mouth full of blueberry pancake and facial hair spotted with powdered sugar, Buck frowned at him. 

“Dad, what?” Christopher judged.

“Okay, ground rules is a weird word for it," Eddie admitted. "But, I'm just saying, we should implement some good boundaries and habits into this household. To respect each other.” 

Christopher stared at him blankly, while Buck looked a little taken aback. It made Eddie squirm. 

“I mean, o-okay? I think that makes sense,” Buck supported, tho he didn't sound very confident. He cursed himself for it. He just was a little shocked that Eddie would take such an initiative. Normally, his extended sleepovers went without saying. But this time, Eddie was treating it differently. Taking it seriously. Was it really that serious to him?

“So, what do you have in mind so far?” Buck inquired. 

Eddie shrugged his shoulders. “A few things. For one, we should eat dinner at the table most nights.” 

Buck and Christopher nodded in unison. 

“Without using our phones,” Eddie added, waving his fork at Christopher's pinging device. The teen rolled his eyes and drug it off the table, presumably putting it on silent before dropping it in his lap. 

“We're not eating dinner, Dad,” he countered. 

Buck laughed to himself, as he tended to whenever he found himself witnessing their Father and Son banter. 

“Yeah yeah,” Eddie brushed off. “It's fine for now.” 

Buck smirked and shook his head. 

“I uh. Speaking of dinners,” he started. Both Diazes shifted their gazes to him. Buck cleared his throat before continuing. 

“I just wanted to say again I really enjoyed that night with your aunt. Thanks for inviting her.” 

Eddie grinned. “That's the other thing. She agreed to joint dinners every Friday.” 

Buck's eyebrows raised and Christopher gasped excitedly. 

“Tía Pepa is gonna come over again?” 

“Mhm,” Eddie confirmed. 

He had called her last night, before Buck had gotten home and when Christopher was out of earshot. She had agreed, but on one odd condition. Apparently, they needed to have a “serious conversation.”

Her wording had immediately concerned him. Was she okay? Did something happen to Abuela? Pepa had quickly diffused those worries, but Eddie was still skeptical that nothing was wrong. Still, he obeyed, and said all three of them would be looking forward to the next Friday and each one after. The smile on Buck's and Christopher's faces proved him right. 

“I hope she lets me help cook this time,” Buck murmured. 

Eddie chuckled at that. “Oh I have a feeling you're about to learn a plethora of family recipes.” 

“I think I should go buy myself a binder for a makeshift cookbook,” Buck said decidedly, pushing back from the table and rinsing his plate off. 

“You can buy one today. We're going to the mall," Eddie announced proudly.

“Well aren't you full of surprises,” Buck muses. “Are you done with your plate Chris?” 

“Uhm, can I have another pancake?” 

“Yeah I'll get you one bud.” Buck looks over at Eddie's plate, which is also empty. “Do you want more as well?” 

Eddie gives him a big toothy grin in response.

“You two are bottomless pits,” Buck chuckles. But he fills their plates again, and decides not to question Eddie until later. He knows he's up to something, but he won't push.

—

The mall in question was really just a department store, but those might as well be a mini mall. However, that's the farthest extent to what Buck knew of this surprise trip. Being the designated driver wouldn't be much use if he didn't know where to take them. 

“What are we looking for?” 

Department stores had supplies. What weird supplies could Eddie possibly need? 

Eddie shrugged, casual and unbothered, just like with the previous conversation. 

“Just a few items for the house and maybe some new things for Chris. Don't worry about it, Buck.”

Buck gave him a suspicious side eye, but Eddie just smiled and messed with his phone. Buck tried to peek at his screen, but Eddie kept it angled in a way that Buck couldn't safely spy and drive at the same time. He readjusted in his seat and pouted, all the while Christopher snickered at the defeat. 

—

The trio pulled into the parking lot soon enough, and two of them blindly followed the other inside. 

“Alright, first things first," Eddie started, clapping his hands together. "Air mattress. Where do you think they have them?” 

Buck's eyebrows furrowed. “Why do you need an air mattress? And why don't you already have one?” 

“I did, but when I pulled it out last night, it had a gigantic hole in it. Which, I have no idea how that happened, but whatever. Anyway, where do you think they'll be?” Eddie asks again, pointedly avoiding Buck's first question. 

“Eddie--” 

“Actually, I'll just ask a worker. Hey ma'am!” He pivots and flags down a woman wearing an ear piece and red shirt, who cheerfully beeline towards him. She ends up directing him to the Outdoor and Camping section. He returns the retail smile she gives him, and grins even wider when he hears Buck sigh. 

“After this, we'll go get your cookbook!” Eddie teased. 

And they do. Buck picks out a light blue binder that matches his eyes (Accidentally of course, but Eddie notices the similarity) Then, in addition to the binder, Buck also picks out new baking and cooking tools.

This particular aisle brings Dinner Time back up, and they all decide that on top of Friday night dinners with Pepa, Saturdays could be movie night. Saturday evenings will be spent eating dinner on the couch, where the dinner will likely be some sort of take out. (When they could afford it.)

To Eddie, it felt like everything was finally clicking into place and slowing down. But to Buck, he's a little unsure about the new pacing.

As they approach the mall's bookstore, this comes to a head. Chris veers off on his own, leaving his guardians to themselves. Eddie skims over book titles, despite never really being one for reading. 

“Hey Eds?” 

Eddie takes a deep breath. He can't keep dodging Buck's suspicions all day. Time to face the music.

“Yeah?” 

“What is all of this about?”

Eddie meets his friend's gaze, who is popping his knuckles in a nervous fidget. 

“I was serious about what I said, you know.” 

Buck squints suspiciously. “What do you mean?” 

“You staying. At our house.”

“Okay, yeah I mean, I figured you were but… how does that explain this? The ground rules, the dinners. And what the hell do you need an air mattress for?” 

Eddie laughs at the comment, wrestling a mervous chuckle out of Buck too. 

“I'm doing this to make you feel a little more welcome, and to make it feel a little more like home. For all of us. God knows we need it.” 

Something in Buck's face shifts. 

“Oh, Eddie, that's… wow.” 

“I know. Not used to generosity, hmm?” he jokes. 

Buck laughs again. “No, no not really.” 

“That makes two of us,” Eddie says solemnly. “But as for the air mattress question"-- he snaps his fingers at Buck--"its for you. I know you like to make a fuss about how sleeping on the couch is just fine, but that ends today. I've got floor space in my room. We'll just blow it up and you can sleep on that while you're here."

Buck puffs his cheeks with air, like he's holding something back. 

“You're trying not to argue that the couch is fine, aren't you?” 

Buck gives him a shy smile, which makes them both laugh again.

“I told you, Evan. You're welcome in my home. You always will be.” 

There's tears forming in Buck's eyes, Eddie can see that now. Buck nods, trying his best to keep them at bay. 

Eddie holds out his arms with a smile, and Buck accepts the invitation. They hold each other just for a moment, but they hold each other tightly. 

They only pull away because Christopher is calling Buck over, and Buck won't ever not answer his summons. Eddie feels a little sad letting Buck leave his arms, but he's not sure why. As to not give it attention, he shrugs off the feeling and instead focuses on the fuzzy, warm one that replaces it when he sees his two boys chatting about books. 

Home. What a word. 

Chapter Text

Chapter Six

"To Let My Love Breathe" 

Buck

Buck fought back sob after sob for the rest of that day. But, in spite of the tears, the outing was blissful. He was excited to fill his binder, he was excited to use his new baking tools, and he was... nervous, about sleeping in Eddie's room. 

He picked at the sticker on his DIY cookbook. He didn't want to make it weird. Buck tried to convince himself that it shouldn't be weird because "it was his own room at one point too," but his logic bit back. "It's weird because it's his again, and now you're sharing." 

Buck sighed, ripping the sticker off. He grabbed at the air in silent anger when it ripped in half before moving onto his new baking utensils next. The flimsy cardboard connecting the new mixing spoons together was easily tearable, and he shredded it more than was necessary. 

"Okay, this is not his house. He was a renter. 

"And he's straight." 

Tommy scoffs. "Okay."

Eddie wasn't doing this because he saw Buck as anything more than his best friend. Buck tore into the cardboard again. Why the hell did Tommy have to ruin another moment? 

He discarded the trash and laid his palms down on the chilly kitchen counters. He sucked in a breath and tried to focus on the better things. 

How the three of them had laughed while eating Chinese in the Food Court, how excited Christopher was to have found a new book on animal facts. How Eddie had hinted that his Tia might teach him family recipes, how they were going to have dinner routines together. 

He let his mind flood with positive after positive. Maddie and the baby were doing great. Hen and Karen had officially adopted Mara. Christopher and Eddie were home. 

Finally, he felt like he could breathe again. But it wasn't fully better yet. 

While his phone rang into his ear, Buck stepped onto the back porch and slumped into a cushioned chair. One ring, two rings. 

"Evan?" 

"Hey Mads," he sighed. 

"Hi, what’s up? Everything all right?" 

He scratched the metal frame of the furniture. 

"Just thinking about Tommy again. It's not good." 

"Ah." 

"I hate how I keep letting him get into my head. You know? I keep letting him ruin good things." 

"Yeah," she sighed. "I know it's not the same, but it’s similar to how I felt with Doug." 

The name sent shivers down Buck's spine. 

"I'm sorry Buck. What happened today?" 

"Uhm," he wiped away a stray tear. "Like, what am I spiraling about or what am I trying to focus on?" 

"Uh, anything good. Like, you said he ruined something. Tell me about it. Try to get it back." 

"Okay," he whispered. "Well, I made us pancakes this morning. Blueberry pancakes. Chris wanted blueberries over the strawberries." 

"Ohh, pancakes sound nice. I should bully Howie into making some.” 

Buck let out a chuckle. "Yeah, you should. They were really good. Both Eddie and Chris wanted more. I don't know how they could eat so much, but there was enough, so. Uh, and then we went out to the mall. And that was after Eddie started implementing these new rules. He called them ground rules, then changed their title to 'boundaries' when Christopher made fun of him." 

"Rules?" Maddie laughed. "What kind?" 

"Eh, just basic ones. Said we should eat together at the table, and also no phones at dinner. He said that since we were all going to be living together for a while, we might as well figure out ways to respect each other." 

"Huh." Maddie clicked her tongue. 

"What?" 

"Oh, nothing. Its just..." 

"New?" Buck laughed.

"I was going to say smart, but that too. But I mean, if I had just wrangled Jee away from our parents? I'd also want to strengthen my household too." 

The comparison went straight over Buck's head. 

"Whoa whoa, Mads, she's never going to run to Mom and Dad like that. And I'd never let them take her. You don't need to worry. You're a great parent!" 

Maddie's side of the phone went quiet. 

"Buck that's... that's not what I meant. I was explaining Eddie's situation as if it was my own. I don't actually think she and I will ever go through that." 

Buck snapped his mouth shut and rubbed his cheek. 

"Shit. Sorry," he muttered. "That's not what I meant." 

"It's okay. I know it's not," she comforted. Silence again. 

"Thank you," she whispered. 

"For what?" 

"Saying that I'm a good mom." 

"Oh, haha. Well, I'm not biased by being your brother. Jee's not the first kid you raised." 

The next moment of silence was all smiles. She shouldn't have had to, but Maddie raised him with tremendous effort and he was forever grateful. 

"I respect Eddie a lot." 

Buck's grin grew wider. "He's pretty great, isn't he?" 

"Seems like he always has been." 

"Yeah. Christopher leaving was rough on him but I think he'll start believing that soon." 

"That's good." 

"It is. He's a really good dad." 

"Mm. Sooo... you said you're going to be staying with Eddie for a while? Still having trouble finding your own place?" 

"Pretty much. I freaked out about it a couple nights ago and Eddie told me he didn't care how long I stayed." 

"That's nice of him. Is that why he took you and Chris out, and started implementing the rules? Because of your episode?" 

Buck laughed nervously. "Uh, I think it's more so because of my other freak out." 

Chimney had been there when he gave Ravi the cold shoulder over his and Tommy's hook up. Did he tell her what he witnessed?

"What happened in that one?" Her tone was precise, but he was two steps ahead. 

"I think you know," he whispered. 

"Chim only saw so much," she reminded him gently. 

He sighed again. And just like that, she was back in the lead. 

"I haven't told Eddie about the hook up. Or anything.... he said." 

He heard her sharply inhale. "Why not?" 

"Because, Maddie! He has enough on his plate, and I don't want Tommy to ruin anything more than he has. How am I supposed to tell Eddie the person who was supposed to be his friend viewed him as competition for a race he wasn't even in? That's weird. Like, what if that messes us up?" 

"Buck, I don't think it will. And I don't think it's too much for him to handle. Clearly he knows something is up and he's trying to give you the space you need to tell him about it. I don't think he's going to let one of your exes get in between you both." 

He knocked his head back onto his chair. 

"Ow," he muttered. "You really think so?" 

"Yes. I do. And I… I, actually, never mind." 

Buck furrowed his eyebrows. "What is it Maddie?" 

"You… You never answered my question that night." 

"What?" 

"That night. When you came over after your hook up. You never really answered me when I asked if you had feelings for Eddie." 

"Maddie! What? Yes! Yes I did!" 

"Not directly," she countered. "You just talked about being frustrated that Tommy and, well, you-said-everyone-but you were frustrated that people thought you were pining after Eddie." 

Buck moved to protest, but snapped his mouth shut. 

"I mean, what's that even supposed to mean? I'm-I'm living in Eddie's old house, therefore, I must be in love with him? 

Are you? 

In love with Eddie? 

It wouldn't be so crazy. 

Except that I'm not. As much as everyone seems to want me to be hopelessly pining for my straight best friend, it just isn't like that. I mean, does-does not having him in my life-- and in the field-- leave a big hole? Yeah, it does. Sure." 

"What are you implying, Maddie? Are you siding with Tommy?" 

"No, Evan. God no! I don't side with people who hurt you, okay?" 

Buck hesitated, but broke. "Okay." 

"Just… listen to me for a sec?" 

"I'm listening,” he promised. 

Buck swore he could hear her nod on the other side of the phone. 

"I feel like its important to mention that I've always had a suspicion you were queer. I wasn't sure, but just, you know. You were a charismatic kid. I'd see you with some of your friends and just... wondered if maybe there was something there." 

"But-" 

"Shh, just let me talk." 

He pulled back. 

"When we were apart, I didn't really have any reason to think about it. And even the first few years I found my way back to you. I mean, there were a few times. But last year or so, when you came to me about your first date with Tommy, it caught me off guard. Because I tried not to think about it anymore. Not for bad reasons, by the way. But at the same time, it clicked for me. I had a new piece of you and who you are. But do you remember that conversation? And what you were actually worried about?" 

Buck's stomach twisted. "I was worried about Eddie." 

"You were. And I'm not saying that means you're in love with him. I know some part of you was worried about being judged by him. But I think maybe some other part of you knew something else." 

Buck didn't know how to talk. 

"I don't know what to do with that Maddie," he said quietly. 

"I'm sorry Evan. I didn't mean to just dump that on you. I don't think any of this has been fair to you." 

"I let my boyfriend down," he whispered. 

"I think he put himself in that situation. It's not your fault. You're still learning about your sexuality." 

"Still though! That doesn't excuse the fact that I was a bad partner." 

"You think you were a bad partner?" 

"I mean, yeah. Seems like it." 

"You know same sex relationships aren't supposed to be different from heterosexual ones, right?" 

"Yeah? I don't think that they are." 

"Okay, good. But, Tommy didn't tell you he was uncomfortable around Eddie until after you broke up. Isn't that bad communication?" 

Buck swayed his head as he soaked that in. "I guess so?" 

"Okay. When you're in a relationship with someone, you communicate. Tommy had a problem, and didn't communicate it. In fact, he left. And you were hurt - rightfully so! - when he tried to come back in an awful way. That doesn't make you the bad partner, or a bad partner in general. He should've talked to you." 

Buck felt the tears start stinging again. 

"Also, like, Tommy knew how close you two were. I mean, when you two set up that date, wasn't he literally coming over to apologize about getting in between you and Eddie?" 

"Yeah, he was." 

"And he kissed you, right?" 

Buck sat up straighter at that. 

"He did..."

“You see what I’m saying? He put himself into that situation. So just… we can work on moving away from Tommy, okay? Whatever you need. But please just try to remember you weren’t the problem, alright?” 

“Okay. I will,” he said. 

“Good. Now, can we-” 

“Buck?” 

Maddie’s line went quiet. 

“Eddie!” Buck startled, his eyes widening. 

 “Uh, hey. Sorry, am I interrupting?” Eddie stood in the door frame with one hand on the knob and the other against the house. He leaned out into the warm L.A. air. 

“No, no you’re not. Hey Mads? I’m gonna go.” Buck turned away from Eddie and cradled his phone closer to his ear. 

He heard her sigh. “Alright. But do you want to pick up this sometime soon?”

“Yeah, yeah we can.” 

“Okay. I love you, Evan. Don’t be too hard on yourself about this. Any of it, alright?” 

He nodded, even though she couldn’t see it. 

“I will, I promise. I love you too. Say good night to Chim and the kids for me?” 

“Of course. I’ll talk to you soon.” 

She hung up before he could, so he pocketed his phone and met Eddie's gaze with a shy smile. 

“Maddie?” 

“Yeah. I was just talking to her about some stuff.” 

Eddie nodded carefully, and let Buck take the door behind him. He clicked it shut and watched Eddie's behavior. 

“I'm okay, I promise.” 

“I know,” Eddie sighed. “I'm glad you have her to talk to. I should call my sisters. Check in on them. I haven't since we left Texas.” 

Buck nodded. “That's a good idea. I still haven't met them yet.” 

“Which is crazy! We've known each other for over seven years and you still haven't met my siblings. You haven't even met my parents. Or have you?” 

“No, I haven't. But I've met your Abuela and Tía!” Buck laughed. 

He noted Eddie's words. He had avoided calling them friends. He'd said they'd known each other for seven years. Or was he avoiding calling them friends? What he said was just one of many ways to word that. Buck sighed. He was going to exhaust himself if he kept on like this. 

“True that.” 

There was a beat. 

“Where’s Chris?” 

“In his room,” Eddie shrugged. “Hey, we should go set up the air mattress. Or at least get it ready to inflate it.” 

~~~

So they did. As they worked it out of the box, Buck had the intrusive thought of Eddie asking him to sleep in his bed. He was glad he didn't, because if he had, it would've terrified him. They had slept in his bed together before, but it was different then and it was different now. After recent events, this was a perfect middle ground. 

“It's weird how much floor space I have in here.” 

Buck laughed. “Yeah. You're about to lose all of it.” 

Eddie chuckled. “Are you messy? I feel like you kept your loft pretty clean.” 

Buck shrugged his shoulders. “Its a fifty-fifty. But don't worry, I'll try not to be. I actually respect my roommates.” 

“Good. Go grab the sheets you like,” Eddie ordered, smiling. 

~~~

Later that night, when Buck's new sleeping quarters were arranged and Christopher was tucked away in his own room, the two friends found comfort in each other's comfort. The lights were off, the fan was spinning, and each of them were on their phones. 

Buck laid on his stomach with his arms and hands laying off his pillow while Eddie leaned against his head board with one leg propped up. 

Buck was trying hard to not think about his and Eddie's friendship, but his doomscrolling wasn't a good distraction. Maddie hadn't really gotten to finish her thought, but she was definitely implying that she saw something between the two of them. And the worst part was, he kind of understood. 

He and Eddie had never had a simple friendship. Between all of their near death (and actual death) experiences and their arguments, their friendship wasn't traditional. He knew that. And up until recently, he saw nothing wrong with that. Wrong was the… well, wrong word, but whatever. He didn't have an issue with his and Eddie's friendship. Why was that so different for everyone else? 

“Pfft.” 

Buck flicked his gaze up to Eddie. 

“You good?” he asked through his mouth being smooshed into his pillow. 

Eddie nodded, smiling. “Just a video. Oh! But I saw this a few videos back. I'll send it to you, hang on.” 

“Mmkay,” Buck responded. He didn't catch the soft look Eddie gave him when he turned back to his phone. 

He scrolled through his F.Y.P. for a bit longer until the attachment showed up. 

It was a video showing off a campsite in the winter. Snowy. Buck felt guilty that it reminded him of Big Bear, and Maddie's incident. 

“Ooo,” was what he responded with instead. 

“We should take Chris sometime. Or try to plan something as a team.” 

“Yeah! Have you ever taken Chris camping?” Buck inquired. 

Eddie sucked on his teeth and pondered the question. 

“I've never taken him, but I don't think anyone else has.” 

Buck looked a little shocked. Sure his parents were emotionally unavailable, but he still had gone camping. 

“Your child is fourteen and he's never been camping?” 

Eddie threw his hands out in offense. 

“Listen here Buck,” he scolded. 

Buck broke out in a giggle, and Eddie rolled his eyes. 

“Well, at least you didn't wait until he was an adult. I'm sure he'll love it. We should try to go early in the fall. Camping isn't fun in the heat but also, I don't want to go when it's super cold. Hurts my leg,” he notes, lifting up the healed crush injury. 

Eddie's expression dampened. 

“Makes sense. I'll talk to Chris about the trip and we'll go from there?” 

“Sounds good to me, Eds.” 

Eddie's smile returned. Buck clicked off his phone and set it on the floor next to him. He yawned, and that was both their cues to go to bed. 

“Good night Eddie,” Buck bided, snuggling into his covers and pillow. 

Eddie returned the phrase, and Buck slipped off into his sweet sweet dreams.

Chapter Text

Chapter Seven 

"When Love Hurts" 

Eddie

The next morning is slow. Christopher is awake first, followed by Buck and then Eddie. Sleep seemed to differ for everyone in the group, from the way Chris peacefully enjoyed his cereal and the way Buck rubbed his eyes. 

Before he woke, Eddie had dreamt of Afghanistan. Thankfully, the dream had cut off before he stepped foot into any desert or helicopter, but still. He splashed sink water onto his face to wake himself up and shake off the faux heat. As he patted a towel to his skin, he took notice of Buck's sluggish movements. 

“You sleep okay Buck? The air mattress too uncomfortable?” Eddie tossed the towel on the counter. 

“Eh, I don't think it was the air mattress. Just some really weird dreams.” 

“Yeah, I-” his sentence was punctuated by a yawn. “I had the same issue.” 

“Mm,” Buck hummed, nodding off into his hand. 

Christopher and Eddie exchanged glances before stifling their giggles.

“How'd you sleep Chris?” Eddie fills two mugs of coffee and sits at the table with the rest of them. He nudges one over to Buck, who perks up at the smell.

“I slept fine. I feel good,” he responds. 

“Eugh,” Buck sputters, grimacing over his mug. He flushes with embarrassment when the Diazes pin their gazes on him. 

“Sorry, Chris. That wasn't directed at you. Just my hatred for black coffee.” 

He pushes away from the table and Eddie snickers. 

“Dad drinks black coffee,” Chris points out. 

“Yeah, and he's a freak for it,” Buck slights as he grabs his favorite creamer. He drowns his coffee in the extra liquid, before quickly pouring some in Eddie's mug. 

Eddie tries to whisk the cup away from Buck's reach, but he isn’t fast enough. By the time it's up in the air, there's already a few ribbons of the cream swirling around his drink. Eddie frowns and gives Buck a dirty look, but sips anyway. 

“Don't make that face at me Diaz. You don't even like black coffee. I don't know why you drink it,” Buck chastised, smiling into his mug. “Ah, perfect.” 

Chris laughs at the display while Eddie folds into himself. Buck is right, Eddie dislikes black coffee.

“Stop denying yourself joy,” he hears Father Brian say. 

Eddie gently swirls his mug and watches the cream blend with the darker mix. It barely lightens, and his eyes flick to the jug on the table. He begrudgingly reaches for it, and Buck watches with wide eyes. Staring straight at his face, Eddie pours more of the Cinnamon liquid into his mug and sips it. 

“Wowww!” Buck gasps. “He actually did it! You see that Chris?” 

Eddie rolls his eyes and Chris looks between the two of them. 

“You two are so weird,” the teen mutters.

Buck laughed. “Welp. I'm gonna go shower. I'll leave you both to it.” 

He patted Eddie on the shoulder as he stood, placing his mug in the sink and bouncing off. The silence between him and Chris hung for a moment, and Eddie willed himself to speak. 

“So uh, last night I found this web page for a campsite. Figured the three of us could go this fall.” 

Chris nodded. “That'd be fun. I've never been camping.” 

Eddie chuckled. “Yeah, Buck made fun of me for never taking you.” 

“Sounds like him,” Christopher teased. 

The silence hung again. 

“We never talked about it,” he whispered. 

Eddie's chest heaved as he sucked in a big breath. 

“Yeah, I know.” 

“Can we?” Chris asked gently. 

“Yeah, Chris, of course we can. I think Buck is going to go grocery shopping today. We can do it then,” Eddie offered. 

Christopher accepted it with a nod. 

“Then it’s settled. We'll talk when Buck leaves.” 

~~~

Buck doesn't leave immediately after his shower. He lingers around the house, unaware of the building nervous tension between teen and father. Chris hides in his room for the time being, but Eddie stalks around the living room. 

“Hey uh, tomorrow after dinner I’m going to Maddie’s,” Buck informs. 

Eddie freezes, caught off guard. He takes a bite of his chips and nods tightly. 

“Spending the night?” 

“Yeah. I’ll drive to work from there and then come back here that afternoon.” 

Eddie nods again. “Sounds good.” 

There’s a beat of silence. 

“You okay, Eds?” 

The man sucks in a breath and crunches down another chip. 

“Chris and I haven’t talked about Kim yet.” 

Buck’s eyes widened. “Are you waiting for me to leave?” 

Eddie’s face tightens and he gives him a shy smile. “Sorry, it’s not you it’s just-” 

“The waiting,” Buck finishes. 

“Yeah,” Eddie sighs. 

“Alright hey. I’ll head out now! Anything else you can think of that I can grab while I’m out?” 

“No, I think that’s all.” 

Buck nods and sucks in a breath. “I’ll go tell Chris I’m heading out.” 

As Buck disappears down the hall, Eddie pours the chip crumbs into his mouth and crumples down the bag. 

“Done,” Buck says as he returns. 

Eddie stares at him blankly, feeling tears prick his eyes. Buck notices. 

“Hey, Eds,” he says gently. “You two will be alright. Are you sure you don’t want me to stay behind?” 

“No, no it’s okay. I should probably do this on my own. I appreciate it though, truly. I’m just nervous,” he whispers. 

Buck smiles softly. “I get it. Listen,” he reaches out his hand and places it on Eddie’s shoulder. The gesture hits Eddie hard, but he isn’t sure why. 

“He already ran off once, and he just got home. I doubt he wants to go back to Texas anytime soon, okay? He’s not going anywhere.” 

Eddie nods stiffly, because if he lets any muscle in his body go fluid, he’ll break into tears. He can’t cry. Not right now. Not yet. 

“You got this,” Buck, whispers. 

Eddie takes a deep breath and visibly strengthens his stance. 

“Good luck, soldier!” 

Buck dips out the front door, leaving Eddie chuckling and wiping off his tears. Christopher peeks out the living room, his hand curling around the wall. 

“Buck gone?” 

Eddie nods. “Yeah he left. We should give him a moment to pull out the driveway though. He probably forgot something.” 

As if on cue, Buck appears through the front door again, dawning a shy smile as he looks between the two of them. He snatches his phone off the coffee table and holds it up awkwardly. 

“Okay,” he mutters. “Bye for real this time!” 

The two of them wave him off, all smiles. Eddie knew part of the reason was because of the conversation to come, but the house felt off when Buck stepped out the door. But he knew couldn't ruminate on that. Not right now.

“So… where were we?” 

The question sticks like hot wet air on their skin. 

“Who was she?” Christopher asks quietly.

“Her name was Kim,” he begins. 

Christopher looks at him for more. 

“We uh…” Eddie gulps, immediately feeling the weight of guilt because of how they met. “I spotted her in a shop window. On one of the days you, I, and Marisol went out.” 

Christopher's eyes widened. “So you didn't even know her for that long?”

Eddie shook his head. “No. It all happened pretty fast.” 

Chris quiets for a minute. “Did Buck know?” 

Eddie feels his shoulders tense. “Eventually he found out. Kim showed up to the fire house and it took him by surprise. He immediately confronted me about it. He saw the resemblance.” 

Christopher slumps, and Eddie starts to panic. 

“But hey, none of this is his fault. He pushed me to…” he trailed off. “End things? I don't know. But he was worried about me. He didn't support what I was doing.”

Christopher nods through teary eyes. “I wouldn't ever blame Buck. I just wanted to know if he knew. I'm glad he cares about you,” he said softly. 

His confession hits Eddie like a truck. 

“Im glad he cares about you.” 

Being a parent causes you to both be constantly aware of how observant kids are, but simultaneously miss just how observant they are. Buck has been in their lives for seven years, and yet it never fails to surprise Eddie when Christopher points out the deepness of their friendship.

“Yeah, me too bud. He was my rock through this whole thing,” Eddie laughs, feeling tears prick his own eyes. 

“Grandma and Abuelo told me I shouldn't talk to him. And they didn't let me talk about him.” 

Eddie furrowed his eyebrows. 

“What?” 

Christopher went silent. “I don't know how to talk about it. But I don't think they like Buck very much.” 

Eddie forgot how to speak for a moment. 

“Dad?” 

Eddie shook his head to snap out of his shock. 

“Sorry mijo. That took me by surprise. We should talk about that too, soon. That's uh… yeah. I want to know what happened.” 

Christopher nods. “Okay. We should finish talking about uh… Kim?” 

Eddie nods. “Kim.” 

“Did she know about mom?” 

“I told her the day before you…”

“Saw you two kissing.” 

Eddie sighs. “Yeah. I… after Buck confronted me,” he looks his son in the eyes. “I took his advice and finally told her. He had asked me what I wanted from hanging out with her, because up until the kiss, I hadn't done anything to cheat on Marisol, except I guess emotionally.”

As he spoke, Christopher lay his head over his eyes and listened intently. 

“And I told him that I didn't know. I didn't know what I wanted out of whatever that was. But deep down? I wanted a… well, what, third chance by now? God it was probably more at that point. Mijo, your mom and I had a lot of problems.” 

Christopher nods. “I remember,” he whispered. 

Eddie gulped and bit back his tears. 

“When she died, we hadn't been in a good place. Both in our marriage and personally. She… wanted a divorce. But she died before we could even really talk about it. I just…” he feels the water finally run down his face. “I wanted to be there for her. I wanted things to work out. But instead,” he shrugged his shoulders, feeling his body shudder. “We didn't get to.” 

He rubs his hands over his face, wiping at his tears. 

“I told Kim that. I showed her pictures of Shannon, so she had the full context. It shocked her. Then the next day… she just. Showed up at the house, having dressed herself like your mom and I just… broke.” 

He was fully crying now, and didn't realize that Christopher had approached him until he pressed himself into his back and wrapped his arms around his father. Eddie held him close, rubbing his arms with his hands. 

“I'm sorry Dad,” Christopher wavered. 

“It's not your fault, Chris. None of this is.” 

“I know. I don't fully mean it like that anyway. I'm just sorry you're hurting.” Eddie could tell Christopher was crying now too. He gently released his son's arms and turned around in his chair. 

“Thank you, Chris. I'm sorry that you got caught in the middle of all of this. I didn't mean for you to be affected by any of it.” 

“I know. I believe you Dad. And I forgive you. For everything,” he promised through tears. 

Eddie pulled him in close, hugging him tightly. He kissed his son's curls and whispered affectionate words. 

“I love you kid. I love you so much.” 

“I love you too Dad,” Christopher laughed, the sound wet and vulnerable. He pulled back from the hug to wipe at his face, and Eddie kept his hands on his arms to keep him stable. 

“Hey, why don't we go visit her?” Eddie suggested. 

“Visit mom?” Christopher asked. 

Eddie nodded. “Yeah.” 

“Okay,” Christopher nodded, eager. “I'd like that.” 

“Alright mijo. Where are my keys?” Eddie stands, patting down his pockets and darting his eyes across the room. 

Christopher chuckles. “You're just like Buck.” 

~~~ 

The drive to the cemetery is short and quiet. Eddie glances up at the rear view mirror every so often to see Christopher leaned against his window, flicking his eyes between every other vehicle they pass. Both of their faces are red and puffy, stained with tear trails. Like father like son, they grieve the same, but Eddie finds comfort in the fact that they can do it together. 

They sit cross legged alongside Shannon's grave. For the first few moments, neither of them say a word. Christopher breaks the silence, and begins telling her about the happier moments of his trip to Texas. Eddie idly runs a hand through his son's hair as he talks. None of them seem to mind the other's actions. 

Time passes, and passes, and suddenly Eddie registers someone approaching. He brushes it off, figuring it's someone else coming to visit one of the many graves, but frowns when he realizes he hadn't paid attention to them when he did. He turns his head, and parts his lips in shock when he spots… 

“Buck?”

Christopher whips his head around, mid story, and lights up at the sight of him. 

“Buck!” 

The blond smiles brightly at their mentions of him, and Eddie realizes he's holding flowers. 

“I cut grocery shopping short when I got your text. Don't worry, I have the essentials for dinner tomorrow, but I figured I'd bring you guys these.” He hands the bouquet off to Eddie, who is still a bit shocked. 

“They're pretty,” Christopher compliments. 

“Yeah, they are,” Eddie murmurs in agreement. 

The arrangement is certainly store-like, but still personal and thoughtful. The combination of purples, yellows, and greens speaks to the person she once was. Eddie leans over and places the vase at the base of her headstone.

Buck clears his throat and claps a hand around his fist.

“Alright, well. I'll go take the groceries home and let you guys hang out here.” He turns to leave, but Christopher shoots out his arm. 

“No!” he demands. “Stay, please.”

Eddie looks to Buck for his response, only to find him silently asking for permission to stay. To which Eddie nods with a small smile, and he sees Buck visibly relax. 

“The groceries can wait,” Eddie states. 

Buck sits behind them both, and Christopher takes it as an invitation to lean against his shoulder. 

“I missed you Buck,” Christopher admits, tears welling up again. Buck frowns sadly, and holds out his arms. Chris inserts himself between them and slumps into the hug. 

“Just like with me,” Eddie thinks. He watches them, and how the sun hits both of their curls just right and shimmers them golden. He watches how Buck gently cradles his son in his arms, aware of the size difference, but not to make Christopher feel fragile. It makes him cry too. 

Buck reaches a hand out and places it on Eddie’s shoulder. 

“Thanks Buck,” he whispers. 

Buck nods through his own sensitivity, sniffling. 

“Anything for you guys.” 

Chapter Text

Chapter Eight

“The Only One I see”

Buck

Buck couldn't stop moving all day. His mind was just running too damn fast for him to be able to sit down. In stark contrast, Eddie could. While Buck frantically moved about the house, Eddie slumped into various chairs and looked faraway. For most of the afternoon, Buck was too wired to notice. 

“I have everything for enchiladas, right?” 

Eddie's eyes shot open. “You said you got the essentials,” he reminded. “Did you follow the list my Tía sent over?’ 

“Yeah.” 

“Then you're good,” Eddie dismissed, waving him off. 

Buck watched as Eddie returned to his previous state, back leaned onto the couch with his eyes closed. Resting, but not quite relaxed. Eddie swallowed, and peeked one eye open. 

“What?” 

Buck narrowed his gaze. “You okay?” 

Eddie sighed out his nose and let his head hit the couch. 

“How much did Chris talk to you while he was gone?” 

“Uh… I don’t… let me look. I know it wasn't much.” Buck fishes out his phone from his pocket and opens Christopher's contact. 

Eddie perks up and Buck takes that as a sign to join him on the couch. As Buck scrolls through bleak texts, Eddie watches them pass by intently. 

“Did I do something wrong, Eds? Say something wrong? I-I promise whatever it was-” 

“Shh, no. No it wasn't anything you did. Chris just… mentioned something and I can't stop thinking about it.” 

Buck frowned. “Oh. Well, he didn’t message me much over the break. It looked like he tried to initiate some conversations, but yeah… I remember he was pretty spotty about it.” 

He glanced at Eddie's face; his pursed lips and his furrowed brows. 

“Should I send you screenshots…?” Buck suggested. 

“Maybe. I'm not really looking for anything specific like that though, so. I'll let you know if I need any.” 

“Alright.” 

They fell into a familiar silence. Most times, it was a blessing. But for Buck, it felt like every time he wasn’t talking, it was a chance to spiral. 

“Ughh.” Eddie rubbed his face and eyes. “I slept like shit last night.” 

“Again?” 

Eddie nods. “I don't know. Sleep hasn't been my friend for a while.” 

Buck laughs at that. “I feel you man. Weird dreams?” Because I've had some, he thinks. 

“Something like that,” Eddie whispers. And then the realization hits Buck. 

“Shannon?”

With tears brimming at his eye rims, Eddie nods again. His mouth is curved in a small, sorrowful smile. Buck's heart plummets to his stomach and his face falls. 

“I'm sorry Eds.” 

Eddie just shrugs it off, wiping at the tears. “You-” he points, “-have nothing to be sorry about. I'm the screwup husband.” 

“No, but I do feel like a screw up boyfriend,” Buck replied. When he realized what he said, he cocked his head to the side and frowned. “Sorry. That just kind of slipped out.” 

Eddie laughed, and Buck relaxed. “Yeah I guess our love life has been pretty shitty lately. I don't know, I just…” he shrugged. “I was talking to Chris, when you left.” 

Buck nods. 

“We had so many issues. God, I mean, she wanted a divorce. And then she died. Died before we could truly try and fix things. Before we could try to find something else that worked. She died, but I failed her.”

Mildly shocked, Buck's eyebrows knit. “Failed her?” 

“I was a horrible husband. And co-parent!” His arm flings out to gesture towards Christopher's room. 

“Oh,” Buck sighs. “You guys got married when she got pregnant, right?” 

Eddie nods. “Yeah. Why?” 

Buck hesitates. “And how old were you?” 

Eddie hesitates too. “Nineteen.” 

“Okay, I thought so,” he muttered, taking a sip of his drink. 

“What does that have to do with anything?” Beside him, he felt Eddie getting squeamish. 

“Listen, Eds I… I don't know how to comfort you in the right way, or tell you what you did and didn't do right in your marriage. I've never been in one. But I mean. You were both forced into that life, and you were still in personal survival mode. Yeah, you probably should be sorry for how you may have hurt her, or treated her. But I don't think you should be sorry for trying to keep yourself afloat.” 

Buck rambled on, not even realizing he was doing it. But when he finished saying his piece, he took a deep breath and turned to Eddie. When their gazes met, Buck's face fell. 

“Shit- Eddie, I didn't- oh my god. Did I overstep?” he breathed. 

Lips parted, Eddie went to say something, but shut his mouth instead. 

“No,” he finally whispered. “You didn't. You just… keep taking me by surprise. That's all.” 

Buck sucked in a breath of relief. Then, perked up in confusion. “Wait, what do you mean?” 

Eddie shrugs. “I don't know man. Ever since you subleased you've just… been really awesome. I mean, you were always awesome. I think that just really hit me. You know?” 

Buck chuckled, relieved. “Oh, yeah. I guess that's fair.” 

“Mhm. But yeah. I guess you're right. I just… I miss her. She deserved a better life…” 

Buck reached across the couch and placed his hand on his friend's shoulder. “Maybe you should start talking to Frank again,” he suggested lightheartedly. 

Eddie groaned. “Please God. I don't want to go back to therapy.” He pressed his forehead into his palms. “Ugh. You know what? Fine. I'll set up an appointment with him now.” 

Buck perked his head back, impressed. “That was easier than I was expecting,” he murmured. 

“Whatever,” Eddie dismissed, waving him off. He stood up front the couch and beelined for his- thier? room. “Oh,” he added, pausing at the doorway. “If I haven't made it clear enough, I think Tommy was the bad partner in that relationship. But that's just my opinion.” 

Eddie shrugged his own comment off and disappeared into the bedroom, leaving Buck's not even a second to soak it in. Oh, if only you knew how bad he was. But he wouldn't tell Eddie. Not yet. Not while his dreams were full of Eddie, and not of Tommy. Damn it. Maddie had really dug deep into his head, hadn't she? 

Buck set his cup down on the coffee table and let the midnight images flood his mind in recall. 

In the short two nights since the call with his sister, his brain had concocted quite the series of events up in his sleep. 

The first dream took place when Eddie was being discharged from his gunshot wound. They were sat on his hospital bed, where Buck was getting an earful from his partner.

“It’s in my will that if I die you become Christopher’s legal guardian. So, if one day I… don’t make it, Chris will be taken care of. By you.”

Those words never failed to leave Buck’s head. Ever. They were practically tattooed across his heart. But the dream… it feels vastly different but exactly the same at once. 

As Eddie was boring into him, telling him he wasn’t expendable, he reminds how embarrassed he felt. It had been bad enough with Bobby, seeing the fear and the disappointment in his eyes after lecturing him about his recklessness on the crane. But with Eddie, and everything he did in that moment, it ripped open the curtains and let the sunshine pour into his heart. 

Buck remembered feeling so lost in that moment, learning that it was penned in ink that he was to be a part of Eddie’s family, even in his death. Embarrassed, sheepish, but safe. 

In the dream, Eddie had finished his statement, stood, kissed him on the cheek, and walked out of the room. Buck had sat in shock, and the dream ended before he knew what happened next. 

The second dream shouldn’t have felt like anything special, but he had woken up this morning with a warm, fuzzy feeling in his chest that made him feel shy. 

At first, he thought it was real. He had woken up in his bed, the actual bed, not his blow up mattress, and had gone about waking up by himself before stepping out of the room. When he did, nothing had seemed out of the ordinary. Christopher was chowing down a bowl of cereal, and Eddie was pouring out mugs of coffee. 

Eddie passed off one of them to him with a smile, and Buck realized Eddie was wearing an L.A. Zoo shirt. 

Eddie didn’t own an L.A. Zoo shirt, and it fanned out a bit too much on the sides. 

“You’re wearing my shirt,” he observed. 

“I always wear your shirts,” Eddie beamed. “They’re comfy as pajamas,” he shrugged. 

Buck nodded silently, his cheeks flushed pink. He lifted the mug to his lips, and caught a flash of metal and frowned. He pulled the mug away from his face, and turned his hand, only for his heart to stop when he saw it. 

Wrapped around his finger was an engagement ring. 

“Something wrong, cariño?” Eddie drawled, his brows knitting in concern. 

“Uh-no, hah… Just, you know, admiring my ring,” he laughed off. 

Eddie’s grin returned, wider than before. “They do look pretty good, don’t they?” 

Buck’s heart stopped again when Eddie held out his hand next to Buck’s. 

In his dream, they were married. 

Suddenly, Buck became very aware of why he had slipped up at the start of their conversation. That entire morning Buck hadn’t stopped thinking about Tommy and his break up speech. 

“I’m not your last.”

And now Buck was dreaming of marriage with the very man his ex thought he would cheat with. Shit. He didn't really want to dwell on whether or not he loved Eddie. Not now at least. 

“Phew,” Eddie sighed, flicking off the bedroom light and shutting the door. His emergence shut down Buck’s thoughts. Quickly.

Buck blinked. “I still can't believe it was that easy to convince you to see him, but you know what? I'm proud of you,” he said. 

Eddie grinned sheepishly. 

“Thanks,” he muttered. 

“You're welcome.” 

Buck gulp down another sip of his drink and stretched. 

“When's Pepa getting here?” 

There was a knock on the door barely a second after he asked. 

Eddie flicked his wrist and stared at his watch. 

“4:26pm,” he teased. Buck rolled his eyes with a grin and went to grab the door. 

Chapter Text

Chapter Nine 

"To lure You In Closer" 

Buck

"Look at all this!"

Buck watched Pepa tear through the plastic grocery bags, inspecting the haul he had claimed the day before. 

"This is some high quality stuff sobrino," Pepa praised, holding up the green pepper she unbagged. 

Buck bowed his head bashfully. "I uh, I wanted to be well prepared," he laughed. 

"And you did just that," she affirmed. "Did our Eddie help you any?"

"I didn't do much," he called from the couch. "I did have to keep reminding him that he was worthy of your lessons though."  

Buck felt his cheeks flush red. 

"As if he would know anything about being worthy," Buck retaliated. "That man can barely cook microwaveable mac n' cheese!" 

Pepa let out a snort, and even Chris laughed from his room. 

"Hey! I was being nice!" Eddie whined, ducking when Buck threw a crumpled and balled grocery bag in his direction. 

"Sure you were," Buck dismissed. He turned back to his mentor. "What first?" 

"First—" Pepa reached into the lunch bag she brought with her— "the chicken needs to be reheated. I'll take care of that and cutting the vegetables. You get started on the sauce." 

The two quickly honed into their tasks. Buck leaned over the table and crossed his ankles as he scanned the recipe on her phone. Thank God he had restocked on cumin after the last time. The sauce probably wouldn't taste right without it.  

He made the roux first, (made of flour and olive oil), then added ingredients like the cumin, more than a pinch of salt, and a heaping amount of chili powder. The spices hitting his nose made it tickle and his stomach grumble greedily. 

Once the sauce was a thick and smooth consistency, Buck called Pepa over. She took the spoon from him and sloshed the liquid around. She gave him an impressed pout and nod. 

"You're learning Evancito," she complimented, patting his arm. "Now, take that chicken and put it into that bowl," she directed, pointing to a large red mixing bowl on the counter. He set the sauce down and obeyed. 

"Good, now take part of that sauce and combine it with the chicken." 

While he stirred the two parts together, Pepa warmed the tortillas over the stove. 

"Taste that," she ordered, gesturing to the bowl he worked on. He took out a seperate fork and tried it. "Does it need anything?" 

He frowned and pondered it. "Maybe a bit more pepper?" he said after a moment. 

She nodded. "Add a dash more. Then we'll start assembling the enchiladas." 

And so they did. Pepa had Buck put them together, walking him through each step of the process. Tortilla, chicken, veggies, cheese, roll. Tortilla, chicken, veggies cheese, roll. They did that a number of times before the glass baking dish was full. 

Buck poured the remaining sauce over the wraps, and used a untensil to make sure they were fully coated. Then, he tore open a new bag of Fiesta Blend cheese and shook it over the dish until it was empty. Pepa opened the oven, and he slid the meal inside. 

"Now we let it cook," she said, clapping her hands. Buck threw his oven mitts onto the table and undid his apron. As he struggled to untie the knot, Eddie materialized in the doorway. His ftiend flashed him a smile. 

"Hey," Buck greeted. 

"Hey," he returned, grinning. "Is it time?" he asked Pepa. 

Buck frowned. "Time for what?" 

"It is," she mused, smiling mischievously as she wiped her hands on a towel. 

Eddie's face lit up. "Chris!" 

Buck finally pulled the knot loose and folded the apron nervously on his arm. He heard Christopher's crutches approach, and then saw the beaming teenager when he entered the kitchen. 

Pepa turned to Buck. "In our family, when you learn your first recipe, everyone who will eat it needs to celebrate you are as you recieve it," she noted. 

"Like an awarding ceremony?" Buck chuckled. 

"Exactly," Christopher confirmed, drawing out the 'y' sound. Eddie laughed at his sons reply.

"Okay," Buck laughed, bowing his head bashfully. "Let's get started." 

Pepa clapped her hands and rummaged through her purse. After a moment, she materialized a piece of folded paper for it. 

"Evancito," she began. "I am very proud to present you with your very first Diaz family recipe. You've earned it, cariño." 

With a wide smile, she passed the document over to him. His cheeks were flushed red, and heated even further when she gave him an affectionate kiss without warning. 

"Woo!" Chris applauded proudly. Eddie cheered alongside him. 

"Go Buck!" he hollered, followed by a few whoops and fist pumps. 

"Oh, put your apron back on. I need a photo for mama," Pepa informed. 

Eddie laughed at that. "For abuela? Did you tell her about all this?" 

"Yes, for your abuela. She was delighted to hear about our Buck wanting to learn our meals," she informed casually. 

Our Buck. 

Buck's heart fluttered a little. He realized she had said the same thing about Eddie not once, but twice. She had said it before they had even started cooking. How had he missed that? 

"Ah, well. I hope she knows they're in good hands," Eddie nodded. 

"Of course she knows that," Pepa waved off. 

At this rate, Buck didn't think the redness in his cheeks would go down. As Pepa positioned her phone and said 'smile!' Buck couldn't help but do so, holding the paper up to his chest and grinning wildly. 

"Baby's first recipe," Eddie joked. 

"No!" Buck laughed, launching a paper towel at his face. He went to undo his apron for the second time, but got stuck again. "Ugh," he grimaced. 

"Here, I gotcha," Eddie offered, his cheeks red from the excitement. Buck turned his back to his roommate and allowed him to help. The knot was untied in seconds, and Buck felt a shiver run up his spine. 

"Thanks." 

Eddie just shrugged, stuffing his hands into his pockets and leaning against the counter. "No problem." 

Buck hung up his apron and let his thoughts fill the silence. "Hey, what does sobrino mean?" 

Eddie smiled softly. "Nephew." 

Buck faltered, his eyes going wide and his lips parting. 

"She means it," Eddie said. "She adores you, Buck." 

Buck laughed. "It's weird when people older than me show that much affection," he confessed softly. He felt a pang of sadness in his gut when he thought of Bobby. 

He watched Eddie's smile slip. "I'm sorry, Buck." 

For his two shit parents. For the exceptional one who died. 

Buck shook his head. "You gave me this," he acknowledged. "It helps." 

Eddie nodded, and took a deep breath. "Okay," he sighed. "Because you always have a home here," he reminded. 

Buck nodded silently. "I know," he whispered. 

"Good. Now come on. If I leave that woman alone too long God only knows what she'll do." 

Buck laughed. "She told your abuela about me," he whispered. 

Eddie nodded proudly. "She did." 

Buck pondered the idea, smiling. "Yeah. She did." 

—

Chris rejoined the three of them, and they spent the intermission catching up on notifications on phones to prepare for a text-less dinner. Pepa went as far as to get Chris to help her set up a photo rotation on her lock screen, one of the photos being Buck's new portrait. He blushed again. Eddie bumped his shoulder to tease him. 

Luckily, the timer chimed. Buck shot up from the couch and sprinted to the oven, clicking it off "Bake" and grabbing his oven squares. 

"I'll grab the plates," Pepa stated, reaching into the cupboards. 

Buck pulled down the oven door and felt the blast of heat hit his skin. He grimaced, but grabbed the dish with ease and kicked the appliance door closed again. He set the meal down on the counter and fanned himself off with his hand. He bounced on the tips of his feet and grabbed the dish again, this time heading off to the dining table. 

"There's dinner!" Eddie beamed. He pushed a few items out of the way so Buck could set his creation down. 

"Ooo!" Chris giggled. "It smells great Buck." 

"Thank you! I hope the taste also meets your standards," he laughed. 

"As if it won't," Eddie teased. 

Pepa laughed, dishing out the meal to Buck's plate first. 

"Oh, usually I serve Chris first," he mentions. 

But Pepa waves him off. "Chris didn't make dinner," she told him.

The teen shrugged. "I don't mind anyway." 

Buck squirmed in his seat, but settled down a little when his knee knocked into Eddies. That was familiar. 

He waited until everyone had food in front of them to dig in. He took a small bite at first, but caved and took a bigger portion. 

"Oh damn," Eddie groaned, drooping his shoulders as he chewed. 

Chris giggled. "It tastes yummy Buck," he said for the both of them. 

Eddie nodded, his mouth full and his fork already cutting into a second piece. "Mhm," he mumbled. "S' good." 

Pepa whacked his arm with the back of her hand. "Manners Edmundo," she scolded. "Mind them please." 

"Sorry," he grumbled.

Buck chuckled. "Glad you like it, Eds." 

"Like it? I love it. Enchilada's are one of my favorites. And your food is usually heaven," Eddie noted casually. 

Buck's mind went blank for a moment, and all he could come up with was: "Okay." 

Eddie barked a laugh. 

—

Dinner went well. Everyone was stuffed and satisfied, and the glass dish was almost as clean as it had been less than an hour ago. Almost. 

Buck reached for Eddie's plate, but his hand was swatted away. "Let me help a little. You go get ready for Maddie's," he ordered. Buck obeyed. 

He hurried off to their bedroom and dug out his work duffel. Inside, he stuffed an outfit, his work uniform, and his toiletries bag. On a second sweep around the room, he threw in his phone charger and a book. He didn't need to bring a pillow, Maddie always supplied that. He didn't need blankets either, so all he needed now was to bring himself. He fished out his phone from his pocket. 

You: On my way soon. Wrapping things up here 

Maddie responded with a picture of her and Jee sticking their tongues out. 

Mads: We'll be here waiting 

He smiled and clicked off the device. He slung the bag over his shoulder and dropped it onto the couch when he entered the room. Eddie walked out of the kitchen looking a little… frustrated. 

"You alright?" 

"Hm? Oh, yeah. I'm fine. Got everything you need?" 

Buck nodded. "I think so. Do you need anything else before I head out?" 

Eddie smiled and shook his head. "You did your part tonight Buck. Go be with your sister," he urged. 

"Okay," he sighed letting his shoulders fall. "I'll go say bye to Chris, then Pepa before I leave." 

Eddie nodded. "Sounds good." 

Buck made his way down the hallway and knocked on Christopher's door. It gently drifted open. He waved and stepped inside the bedroom. 

"Leaving?" 

Buck nodded. "Going to Maddie's in a minute," he reminded. 

Christopher let out an "ah" and worked his way to his feet. He took a few steps forward without his crutches, and Buck met him in the middle. The two wrapped themselves in a hug, Buck patting him on the back. 

"Thanks for dinner, Buck." 

"Ha ha, you're welcome kid. I'll see you soon, okay?" 

Chris nodded into his shoulder and pulled away. "See you soon." 

Buck gave him a last little wave before returning back to the hall and meeting Pepa in the living room. He lit up into a smile when she did, holding his arms out for an inevitable hug. 

"You stay safe out there," she told him. "Can't let anything happen to your pretty face Evancito." She pat his cheek. "Have fun with your sister." 

"Thanks Pepa. Same time next week?" he joked. 

Eddie laughed, holding a beer to his lips. 

"Drinking without me?" Buck feigned surprise and shock. 

"You could stay," Eddie pressed. 

Buck shook his head. "Nope," he said, popping the p. "I've got a niece and nephew to see." 

Eddie shook his head in disappointment. "If you say so." 

Buck rolled his eyes and turned back to Pepa. 

"I'll see you next week cariño. Tell Maddie I say hello," she told him. 

"Yes ma'am," he chuckled. "Bye Eddie," he waved, picking up his bag and heading for the door. 

Eddie waved back, and Buck was gone. 

Chapter Text

Chapter Ten 

"Love Always Hurts" 

Eddie

Eddie watches the door close behind Buck, and waits for a moment before approaching the front window. When he does, Buck has already made it to the driveway and is throwing his duffel into the backseat. He presses his baseball cap over his hair, his blond curls spilling out at the sides. Eddie presses the beer bottle to his lips. 

He tilts the drink up as his eyes track the jeep pulling of the driveway. Eddie sighs and pulls the curtains closed, blocking out the harsh rays of the setting sun. When he finally turns away from the window, he sees his aunt waiting patiently on the couch. 

She gives him an expectant smile and pushes herself off the furniture.

"Come come," she beckons, heading for the backdoor. Eddie swallows another swig of bear and abandons the bottle on the counter. 

Eddie follows his aunt, and let's the door softly crash behind him as he takes a seat on his porch chair. Pepa joins, lowering herself into her own. For Eddie, the outstretching silence is suffocating. 

"So?" He asks. 

Pepa stares out at the yard like nothing bothers here. "Your parents are coming to visit in a few days." 

For a moment, Eddie forgets how to breathe. His eyes go wide and he can hear the violent pumping of his heart in his ears. 

His parents are coming to L.A. 

And they didn't tell him. 

He feels skin slide over his hand and looks up to see Pepa taking his in her own. 

"Breathe Edmundo," she orders. 

Eddie inhales a sharp breath raising a fist to his mouth. He exhales slowly, squeezing his eyes shut. 

"How soon?" He forces the words out. 

"They'll be here Wednesday," she answers calmly. 

"Wednesday." The date is bitter on his tongue. "Do you know why they didn't say anything?" 

"No, and I haven't asked yet. I just had a suspicion that you didn't know." Her words were genuine. They always are. 

"And why did they tell you? What did they tell you?"   

"In Helena's words, they want to visit you and Christopher in L.A., 'now that you have left again.'" Pepa hesitates, and Eddie gives her a pleading look to continue. "Eddie, what happened in Texas?" 

Eddie curls into himself and crosses his arms. 

"They took care of him. He had a bed to sleep in, a roof over his head. A birthday party, food in the table. Then he moved in with me. Then we came home," he detailed.  

Pepa raised an eyebrow. "That's all that happened?" 

Eddie tucked his bottom lip underneath the top and stared at her like a dog with it's tail between it's legs. 

"I'm looking for honesty Edmundo," she lectured. 

He sighed and hid in his hands, before option to lean his cheek against his fist. 

"They took him to Texas, he barely texted me, or Buck, I went to Texas, they actively left me out of his life, mom was more condescending than she used to be, and the story goes on." 

Pepa sighed too. "Ramon disappoints me." She shook her head. "And that woman—" she shook her finger. "She should know better as a mother." 

Eddie nodded, feeling like he had regressed back into a whiny child who only complained about his parents. 

"I think he told people he was Christopher's dad," Eddie mentioned quietly. Thinking about that made him want to puke. When he flicked his gaze to his aunt, he felt even worse. 

"He did what?" Her lips were parted in shock and controlled rage. 

"That or he didn't correct or elaborate. One of the women at the chess tournament called him his father. 

"His father?" 

"Ramon!" 

The memory filled him with dread, and he felt a tear slide down his cheek. He wiped it off quickly. 

"You didn't confront him about it?" she pressed. 

He shrugged. "Never got around to it I guess. Haven't really talked to him since that day, so. I took Chris and left the tournament, which left him behind because of the bus situation. That day was pretty much the last time I talked to mom too." 

Pepa rubbed her temple. "Your parents are a mess," she muttered. 

Eddie snorted. "A big mess." 

"How long ago was the chess tournament?" She folded her hands across her lap. 

Eddie sat back in his chair and puffed out a breath of air. His eyes dart around the scenery as he pieces together a timeline. 

"The tournament was right before Bobby died," he said, trying not to think of the weight of those words. "Then I had to wait two weeks for the funeral. And I guess it's been basically another two weeks since then. So a month?" 

Pepa nodded slowly. "Okay," she sighed. "Sounds like they have a lot of explaining to do." 

Eddie didn't say anything. He didn't really want to see his parents right now. He had been proud of how he handled his leaving — it had felt mature. He felt mature. Helena and Ramon Diaz left scorch marks in their wake but he had begun to feel like he had broken that cycle. For all he knew, they were about to set his home ablaze. Again. 

"I don't want them here," he said. 

"I know." 

Eddie looked to his aunt, hopeful. 

"They're going to stay with me. You and Christopher can come over to my place for meet ups." 

Eddie nodded and let go of a breath he didn't realize he was holding. 

"You could even bring Buck. So I have company in the kitchen," she teased. 

Eddie laughed, but he picked up on the undertones of her words and playful wink. 

"What?" he asked. 

Pepa looked at him curiously, pursing her lips. "What's going on with you two?" 

Eddie felt a shiver run over his spine. "Nothing?" Not convincing. 

She raised her eyebrows. "Nothing?" 

"Tía, what are you trying to ask?" 

"How long have you known that man?" 

"Roughly seven years," he replied simply. 

"Mmm," she hummed, nodding slowly and sending a piercing gaze. "Alright, different question." 

Eddie raises eyebrows. 

"How long are you two planning on him staying here?" 

Eddie's jaw ticks and he is failing to form words. 

"We don't know," he admits. When she folds a hand under her chin, he knows he needs to keep going. "A little while ago he was panicking about the housing market. And then I got him to talk and he… he said he didn't want to be in our hair Tía. I couldn't let him think he was," he murmured. 

"And you invited him to stay," she concluded. 

He nodded guiltly. 

"Are you okay Eddie?" 

No. No he wasn’t. He shrugged his shoulders and folded into himself. 

"I think what you did was the right thing to," she started. "In fact I would both be concerned and disappointed if you hadn't offered for him to stay." The last part felt exaggerated, like whenever people were about to deliver a judgement but were trying to butter the person up first. 

"So you're not mad at me for having him stay?" The words came out broken and cracked. He felt shame and foolishness burn his shoulders. A tear fell from his eye. 

"Eddie, cariño," she reached out for his hand again. "This is your house. I have no right to be mad about who you let stay. Worried about? Or other feelings? Maybe. But I won't ever be mad at you for who you invite home." 

He pressed his other hand to his face and glued his shut. The burning in his throat turned to burning in his eyes and he felt more cold drops stain his face. 

He finally finds the strength to nod, sucking in a shaky breath. "Okay," he accepts. Pepa gives his hand a squeeze. 

"He was really stressed out about getting in your way?" she asked. 

Eddie nodded in a somber manner. "Yeah, he did. After everything he did for Chris and I, he thought he was in the way." He shook his head. He still wasn't able to understand why. 

"Eddie," she started, then pursed her lips. He felt a familiar shiver creep up his spine. 

"Just say it Tía," he said softly. 

"You don't want to let him go yet, do you?" 

That's when he broke. His wavering speech turned to breathy sobs. Shame washed over him again. 

"I don't know why," he admitted. "Something's different but I don't know what and I can't figure it out and I just—" 

"Shh," she soothed, wrapping her arms around her nephew and running a hand through his hair. 

He obeyed, immediately shutting off his thoughts and letting himself cry. 

___

They stayed like that for awhile, Eddie pressed into his aunts shoulder as she rubbed his back and ran her fingers along his scalp. 

"I just don't know what to do," he confessed, having spent all his tears. Eddie wished he could trade them for answers. 

"Well, Edmundo," she pulled away from the embrace and brushed a strand of his hair from his face. "I think admitting that aloud was the first step in understanding this new change." 

He swallowed. "Maybe," he whispered. 

"I'm sorry this is bothering you, sobrino." 

Eddie just shrugged. 

"Is there anyone else you could trust with this feeling? Someone who could help you understand it?" 

Eddie frowned. The first people who came to mind were Hen and Karen. He wasn’t quite sure why them, but he had gone to them about Bobby and Buck. Could he trusts them with this too? 

"I might have someone," he answered. 

She met his gaze with a small smile. "Good." She leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Will you two be okay if I leave now? I need my beauty sleep," she joked. 

He let out a wet laugh. "Yeah, we'll be fine," he said, peering at the closed curtains of Christopher’s room that swayed behind the window. 

She saw him looking. "He's happy to be back," she assured. "I can tell." 

Honest. Genuine. Like always. 

"I think I'm finally starting to believe it," he confessed. 

"I'm glad, sobrino. I'll go tell him goodbye before I leave. Te amo, Eddie." She gave him another cheek kiss and stood. 

She groaned as she lifted out of her seat, muttering Spanish words like vieja under her breath. 

Eddie chuckled. "Te amo, Tía." 

She gave him a big smile as she disappeared into the house. 

___

Eddie didn't reenter the house until he heard his aunt pull out of the driveway, and he felt like a ghost when he finally did. 

It was quiet. Too quiet. Without Buck, there wasn't high enough ratio of heartbeats to bones. The three of them kept the house alive, but tonight the structure was missing a vital part of it's body. 

Christopher broke out into a laugh, likely at his friends and game, and Eddie felt a jolt of energy. They could keep breathing with Buck gone. He was sure of it. 

Eddie grabbed the beer bottle he had abandoned on the counter and walked to his sons room. He lightly nudged the cracked door open a tad more, and Chris exposed his ear to his father. 

"I'm gonna head to bed now, so. You know where to find me if you need me. Good night mijo," he turned back into the hallway. 

"Good night dad," he said back. 

And then— 

"I love you!" he called. 

Eddie stopped short. The corner of his lip quirked up and his heart felt warm. 

"Love you too, Chris," he called back. 

He walked off to his room without another word. 

___

Eddie tried to turn his brain off for the next couple of hours. 

6:00 pm was emptying his beer into his mouth and bedrotting to a cop show. 

6:30 pm was reheating a plate of tonights leftovers and shoveling it into his mouth. 

7:00 pm was doom scrolling on the couch. 

7:30 pm was back to bedrotting to a true crime documentary. 

8:00 pm was the turning point. 

He hadn't been able to get into the true crime, so he sifted through other options. Somehow, he stubbled upon a marine themed documentary. He gave up fighting the television and let the fish swim across his screen. 

Defeated, he flopped his head back onto his pillow and crossed his ankles. Every thought he had pushed away in the past two hours began to make another appearance. 

His parents were coming. 

His parent's would be here Wednesday.

He will have to face his parents in T-Minus five days. 

Shit. 

Then there was the other thing. 

Eddie turned his head and tried not to cry at the sight of the messy, unmade and empty blow up mattress. 

He looked away and curled into himself. Shame shame shame. 

Eddie thought back to the bar night right before he left Texas. The fury, anxiety, and pure exhaustion he had been holding back when Buck had shown up at his door. 

He'd been so mad at Buck, how alone he had been him feel. 

"If you're going to make this between me choosing you or my son, you're going to lose every time."  

He repeated those words to himself, alone in the dark, and tasted how they felt on his tongue. Bitter, foul, and sharp. He felt like an idiot. No, a jerk. Buck loved Christopher as much as he did, if not more. It was Eddie that felt like leaving Los Angeles was choice between his two favorite people. All Buck had wanted was to be acknowledged. They had both made mistakes, but Eddie had projected his own insecurity onto Buck and it almost cost him that friendship. 

Almost cost him Buck. 

Buck. 

Evan. 

The man who always watched his back. 

The man who'd fight tooth and nail for his son. 

The man who knew where to bite if he wanted to draw blood but never dug his teeth in that far. 

The man who knew his heart inside out and vice versa. 

The man who watched him walk away and the man who offered to leave when he came back. 

Buck. 

Evan. 

Buck. 

His Buck. 

Eddie felt his heart start to race and his mind begin to spin. He shot up from his pillow and leaned over his legs, stretching out his body as much as possible and forcing himself to breathe. 

No panicking. 

No panicking. 

No panicking. 

When the room stopped spinning, he slowly pulled himself back to reality. 

The reality in which he was sprawled over his bed, crying in the empty dark room he shared with the man he wished would confide in him. He felt as blue as the light the television casted over the room. 

He needed his best friend. 

But he'd have to get the next best thing. (Besides his son.) 

He threw on a pair of his basketball shorts and snagged the nearest jacket. 

It happened to be one of Buck's hoodies. He chose to ignore that detail. 

Knock knock. 

"Dad?" Chris frowned, and pulled off his headset. "Weren't you going to bed?" And then, with eyes widened: "Have you been crying?" 

Eddie gave him an apologetic look. "Yeah, I have. I'm sorry, I can't be in the house right now." 

"You're leaving?" Chris scrambled to pause his game. 

"Just for a little bit. I'll be back tonight. I'm going to go to Hen and Karens," he explained. 

Something seemed to click for the boy, his lips parting into an 'o' shape. 

"Will you be alright by yourself?" 

Chris nodded. "I'm good." 

"Okay," Eddie sighed, exasperated. "I'll be back in a bit, I promise." 

"I believe you Dad." 

Eddie nodded, and stared at his kid blankly. Then he closed the space between them and pulled him into a hug. 

He felt bad, realizing he could've broken boundaries, but the worry washed away when Christopher reciprocated. His son squeezed him tight, and pressed his face against his. 

Eddie moved to kiss his forehead, and took a second to breath the moment in. 

Christopher's hair smelled like sour apple shampoo, his curls were beautiful and golden, and his embrace was warm. 

One thing he had gotten back. 

One thing he wasn't currently losing. 

One thing he hadn't lost for good. 

"Alright," he muttered, rubbing Christophers back and pulling away from the hug. "I love you, call me or Buck if you need anything." 

Chris nodded. "I will. I love you too, Dad." 

Eddie nodded and forced himself out of the room. He slid his keys off the counter and sent a silent prayer to God that the beer he drank was already out of his system. 

He hopped into the front seat of his pathetic ass vehicle and pulled into the pitch black night. 

He felt like he was driving for hours, white-knuckling his steering wheel and straining his eyes by blowing them wide open, focused on the road. But finally, he reached the Wilson's neighborhood and allowed himself to relax. When he pulled into their driveway, he let himself breathe. 

With trembling hands, he killed the car's engine and unclicked his seat belt. 

He glanced up in time to see Hen swish back her curtains, her eyes blowing wide when she saw him exiting the car. 

He jogged up to the door, at the exact moment she swung it open. 

"Eddie?" Hen's voice was her special mix of concern and confusion. Karen joined the scene with an expression that reflected her wife's. 

For a moment, Eddie stood frozen, feeling another wave of shame and sorrow crash over him. 

But then, with every tear stain on his face and every bullet scar on his body, he found the words to break him out of hiding

"How did you know you were gay?"

Chapter Text

Chapter Eleven 

"Exposed and Bleeding, Just For You" 

Eddie

"How did you know you were gay?" Eddie blurts out. 

Hen and Karen gape at him with raised eyebrows. It takes her a moment, but Hen snaps herself out of her shock enough to talk. 

"I... Uh, just-just come inside," she sighs, ushering him in with both hands. 

He steps into the home, combing back his hair with nervous fingers and catches Denny's gaze. He mirrors his mothers' shock, mouth hung open and frozen. Eddie simultaneously freezes, and Karen catches the chill. 

"Don't go talking!" she warns, pointing her finger at her teen. He throws his hands up in defense, dropping his ceramic mug mid act. 

His face soon falls to guilt and fear as he shrinks in on himself. 

"Sorry mommas," he says softly. 

"Its okay honey," Hen reassures, while Karen pinches the bridge of her nose in silence. "I'll clean it up and get you a new one. Just give us a minute okay?" 

He nods quickly and scurries off, but before he disappears into the hallway, he turns to Eddie. 

"I promise I won't say anything." Denny's eyes are wide and truthful. 

"I know buddy. I trust you," Eddie reassures gently. 

Denny turns to Karen before leaving and he seems at ease when she nods. With all three adults validation, he finally dips off to his room. 

Eddie puffs out a sigh of relief and runs his hands over his face. 

"I am, so sorry-" 

"No! No," Karen orders, snapping her fingers in his face. It's Eddies turn to throw up his hands in defense. 

"Okay," he whispers in surrender. He stands there, in the entryway, feeling displaced. 

"You, sit on the couch," Karen orders. Eddie shoots her a thumbs up and backs into the living room. He's grateful for the direction. 

He plants himself onto a piece of furniture and shrugs off the hoodie. Running his fingers over the fabric is the only thing that keeps him grounded while the two women work. He watches, smiling at the frantic rhythm the two create in attempting to clean up after their child. It's a chaos he's familiar with. Eddie goes back to the hoodie. 

After a few minutes, Karen sits on the couch across from him with a huff. She crosses her legs, the fabric of her dress swaying as she does, and rubs her temple. 

"Crazy night?" Eddie jokes. It lands flat, but Karen nods. 

"Mara got triggered, and it was a whole thing. She's okay now, but it’s a routine shaker when it happens." 

"And then I showed up," Eddie muttered. 

"Breaking one mug isn't the end of the world Edmundo," Hen teases, settling beside her wife. "Just because tonight was crazy doesn't mean our doors aren't open to our loved ones." 

"I thrive on the chaos anyway," Karen admits. 

Eddie rubs his hand down his cheek and swallows, eyes closed. 

Don't cry. 

Don't cry. 

Don't cry. 

The mental chant doesn't work and he can feel his control slipping. His heart beats a little faster, his skin heats up, his throat burns, and tears are working their way past his eye lids. 

He feels the couch dip on either side of him, just seconds off from each other. From his left, a hand lands on his knee. From his right, a hand glides soothingly down his back. 

"To answer your question," Hen starts. Eddie opens his eyes and looks to her. He slides his hand over to hers, which she takes off his knee and holds tightly. "It took awhile, but I just never found guys attractive. It was frustrating for a while, until I began to realize what women meant to me. I dunno," she sighed. "The internet helped near the end." 

Eddie nodded, drawing in a shaky breath. "What about you?" He turned to Karen. 

She smiled, and stared off to formulate her thoughts. "It was a rough transition. I dated boys, hated it but didn't realize that, and then you know, all of a sudden I realized women were really pretty, and finally I dropped men all together. It was weird for a while," she admitted. 

Eddie nodded again, slower this time. "I think that's what I feel," he confessed. He feels Karen move her hand from his back and stroke his hair. She takes his empty hand in her free one and squeezes. 

"How long have you been feeling this way Eddie?" The question comes from Hen, whos brows are furrowed in concern. 

He shrugs. "Since Texas. Everything started falling apart the second I got there. I don't know if you've noticed, but it's nothing like California." 

"Yeah," she replies. He knows she remembers the free time they had back in Austin. The remarks she'd received from locals. 

Eddie brought his right arm up to his eyes and squeezed them shut. He wiped away his tears with another shaking breath. 

"I repressed so much there," he started. "But it's like, the longer I stayed, the more they all effortlessly unraveled about me." 

"What do you mean?" Karen asked. 

Eddie sighed and pulled both his hands from the women. 

"I can't be myself in Texas," he stated. 

Karen and Hen nod. 

"Fair. What exactly is stopping you?" Hen urges. 

"The community. My parents." 

"Well don't I know a thing or two about that," Hen mutters. 

Eddie feels his heart pound out of his chest. He isn't really listening to their conversation. 

"She's better now though. I'm grateful for it," Hen continues. She falls silent and Eddie stares at the hoodie in his lap. 

"They'll be here in a few days," he croaks out, before clenching back more tears. His eyes and throat and legs burn but he hides his face in his hand. He might puke. 

The hand on his back returns and he feels Hen's weight leave the couch. Karen scoots closer and holds him, as he awkwardly leans into her shoulder. He lets her cradle him. 

As the next few seconds tick by, he exhales shaky breaths, desperately trying to calm himself down by intaking air through his nose. It doesn't work. 

After a minute, two beverages are set down in front of him. A cold glass of water and a warm mug of hot cocoa. Likely left overs from the kids. He opts for the water. 

Karen gives him space as he chugs it down, and feels his body shudder from the sudden chill. He swallows, and sets the cup back down on the coffee table. 

"When are they arriving?" 

"Wednesday." Wednesday. It tastes bitter on his tongue. 

"Do you know why they're coming?" Karen inquires. 

Eddie laughs to himself. "They're pissed because of how quickly I 'snatched' Chris from them. How quickly we moved back." 

"And you think they think they're entitled to an explanation," Karen finishes. 

"I know that's what they think," he corrects. 

The pair sigh. "They've always sounded exhausting." 

Eddie nods. "And they always have been. You know, normally its just my dad that's the issue. But it's like. When they band together, and direct all that control and guilt onto me, it just... god I don't know." 

"Brings you down. Knocks the wind out of you," Hen suggests. 

"Yeah..." he whispers. "I'm just not ready to face them." He shakes his head. 

"I wouldn't be either," Hen agrees. 

A moment of silence passes. 

"Is this Buck's?" Karen asks, trailing her fingers down an exposed seam of the hoodie. Eddie watches. 

"It is. It was the first jacket I saw so I took it. Didn't realize it was his until I was halfway out the door." A lie. 

"Ah," Karen replies. She knows. 

"Is he why..." Hen starts. She trails off. Abandons the thought. 

Eddie nods. "He is." He swallows, his throat beginning to burn again. 

"How'd you piece it together?" Hen asks. 

Eddie thinks back to the night he called Pepa, the night he decided to make part of his home belong to Buck. 

"You know how I can tell he means a lot to you?" 

Eddie laughs. "How?" 

"Because of Christopher." 

He frowned, and because she couldn't see it- "What do you mean?" 

"Christopher is your heart Edmundo. He always has been. And there is only one person you've ever fully trusted with him." 

Christopher is your heart Edmundo. 

"A few nights ago, my aunt called Christopher my heart. And then she said there's only ever been one person I've fully trusted with him," he relayed softly. And then with a chuckle, "I didn't realize what she meant until tonight. Until I was spiraling thinking about how I almost lost him before I moved to Texas. How I could've lost them both." 

"Wow..." Karen murmured. 

"I flew Christopher out for him as an apology," he muttered. 

"That's not what you told us!" Hen gasped. 

Eddie flinched. "...whoops?" 

"Edmundo Diaz! You told us you flew Chris out to see everyone one last time before you entered the El Paso Fire Station, and now you're telling me you fly him out as an apology for Buck?" 

"Yep." He popped the p. Shameless. 

Karen busted out laughing. "Oh lord," she wheezed." 

Eddie flushed red. 

"I shouldn't be surprised," Hen sighed. 

Eddie frowned. "What?" 

"Eddie," she chastised. 

"Hen, I'm over thirty and am just now coming to turns with not only being gay but being hopelessly in love with the same guy for seven years. Do me a favor and enlighten me please?" 

"He likes you back." 

Eddie feels a wave of dread drenched him. "No, no he doesn't." 

Hen's face twists into what's less of confusion and more of concern. 

"And it's not a good time to even put that on him, whether or not he likes me back. He's dealing with enough at the moment." Eddie shakes his head and subconsciously pulls Buck's hoodie closer to his body. 

"Wait, yeah, Buck has been off these past few days. You know what's going on?" 

Eddie shakes his head again. "He won't tell me. All I know is he's been talking to Maddie about it, so apparently he's not not dealing with it, and that it..." the words die on his tongue. Hen tilts her head and stares into his eyes. "It has something to do with Tommy." 

Hen throws her head back and groans and Eddie swears he can feel Karen roll her eyes. 

"I knew he hadn't changed," Hen muttered. Eddie felt his eyebrows furrow. 

"What do you mean? Has he always been a problem?" 

Hen and Karen exchange glances. 

"He was one of the bad firefighters I worked with under Gerrard," she sighed. 

Eddie's eyes blew wide. "Ohh..." 

Hen nods. "Yup." 

"Wait, does Buck not know that? How did either of us not know that?" 

Hen shrugs. "Chim and I don't like talking about it." 

Sighing, Eddie leans back against the couch. "I liked him at first," Eddie murmured. "He was chill, you know? We had a lot of similarities; the army, fights," 

"Buck," Karen teased. The other two couldn't help but bark out a laugh. 

"That's horrible," Hen sputtered. Karen wheezed harder. 

"Anyways," Eddie interjected. "I just wish he was better." 

"Did he take you to that street fight via helicopter?" Karen inquired, sneaking a sip of Eddie’s hot cocoa. Hen sent her a pointed look. "What? He's not drinking it." She shrugged her shoulders. 

In an act of defiance, he snatched it from her and took a sip, staring straight into her eyes. 

"Never mind," she shrugged. 

"Give me that," Hen ordered, and he obliged. 

"To answer your question, yeah, he did. And it was cool! It was really cool! And then he... dated Buck and was just a jerk." 

"Wait, he actually took you up in a helicopter?" Hen said over the rim of the mug. She passed it back to her wife. 

"Yes, Hen. That's what I said," he sassed. But he froze when he saw the look they shared. "You guys have got to stop doing that." 

"Sorry, Eddie. That's... he really did that?" 

Eddie went quiet and flicked his gaze between the couple. "Is... is that bad?" 

"Eddie, I think he was hitting on you," Karen clarified. 

Eddie choked on his drink. He shoved the mug into Hen's hand before he could spit into it, coughing and beating his chest to breach the surface for air. 

"You can't be serious," he sputters. 

"Listen, I don't like it any more than you, but that doesn't change the fact that that's what it seems like," she states. 

Eddie exchanges a look with Hen, who just grimaces. He looks away into his lap and thinks. 

The helicopter. That was big, but it didn't feel crazy. 

The fight. He didn't remember anything other than having a good time. 

The basketball games. They had good chemistry on the court, like Buck and him on the field. Again, nothing out of the ordinary. 

"I don't know," he sighed. "I don't see it." 

"Well maybe that's just it. You didn't have any reason to see it like that. I just find all of his behavior weird to be honest," Hen shrugged. 

Eddie chewed his lip. "Maybe." 

But then he got to thinking. 

If he was hitting on Eddie, but then got with Buck... 

"What the hell?" 

Hen and Karen snap their heads to him. 

"Speak!" Karen commands. 

Eddie furrows his eyebrows and glares at nothing in particular. 

"If you're right," he starts. "And he was trying to get with me--" the woman lean in closer, "--and he got with Buck?" 

He watches it click. Hen's jaw drops and Karen covers her mouth. 

"Oh my god," she says to her palm. "Oh my god." 

"He used him," Hen muttered. "I knew there was something wrong with him!" 

Eddie groaned and hit his head on the back of the couch. "I'm over this shit." 

"Well. Thank god for Maddie I guess," Hen sighs. 

Eddie nibbles his lip. "I wish he would talk to me," he whispers. Karen rubs his shoulder and Hen gives him a pitying smile. 

"I know bud." 

"At least he has her tonight," he sighs. 

"Ohh," Hen realizes. "That makes more sense. I was wondering how you slipped out of the house without him noticing."

Eddie chuckled and wiped at his face. "Yeah, uh, he's not... he's not at our place tonight." 

Hen gives him a slow nod. 

"I should probably go back. Promised Chris I'd only be gone for a little bit." 

Silence. 

"You're welcome back any time Eddie." 

He nods, curt and brisk. "Thank you. For everything," he emphasizes, sliding his gaze to each woman. 

"We know," Karen assures. She rubs his knee. 

"Let us know if you have any more questions," Hen added, standing. 

"Yeah, I will," Eddie accepts, following her lead. 

"And-" Karen starts, wavering a little as she stands. "Tell Buck." 

Eddie feels all the muscles in his body lock and he can't hold off the wave of fear that washes over his body. 

"Wait, no, not you liking him. Just that you're gay," Karen quickly clarifies. 

Eddie feels his features fall. Oh. 

"Oh, yeah. No I uh... Yeah. I will. Chris first, though." 

Hen chuckles. "Of course," she says. 

"You're a good dad Eddie," Karen smiles. 

He gives her a shy one back. "We were talking about Shannon recently. Because of Kim," he explains. "I think it's only fair he knows." 

Hen frowns. "I don't think that's the only reason he'd want to hear that Eddie. He loves you. And to know you trust him with something like that? That's life changing for a kid." 

That hits Eddie like a truck. "I didn't think of it that way," he admits. 

Hen's frown returns to a smile. "Let us know when you tell him. Both hims." 

Eddie nods. "Yeah, I will." 

Within the next moment, he's enveloped into a messy hug. Each woman presses themselves into one of his sides, leaving him an awkward giggling statue of T-Rex arms. He throws Buck's hoodie over his shoulder and waves as he walks out of the Wilson house. 

Some parts of him feel lighter and others feel heavier. But he is certain of a few things. 

He is gay. 

Eddie starts the engine of his car. 

His son loves him as much as he loves his son. 

He pulls out of his friends driveway. 

Buck will come back to him in his own time. 

He turns out of their street and into the busy roads to his neighborhood. 

And finally, 

He slows, reaching the turn to his street. 

He is in love with his best friend. 

When Eddie falls asleep that night, he has his arms wrapped around his stolen hoodie. If asked- not that he ever would be- if he sprayed an extra spritz of Buck's cologne onto the fabric, he'd never admit it. 

Chapter Text

Chapter Twelve 

"The Vulnerability in Healing" 

Buck

Maddie's driveway was an ominous invitation. By pulling his jeep into it, Buck was agreeing to wreck the knowledge of everything he'd ever known. He knew he had no other choice though. She'd already sent him into a downwards spiral about Eddie. Might as well rip off the bandaid as soon as possible. 

Buck shuts down the engine and yawns, lifting his hat to run his hands through his curls. He steps out of the vehicle and stretches. The late August heat swirls around him, one of the last ones they'll have as fall approaches. He retrieves his bag from the backseat and steps up to the house door. Maddie always leaves it unlocked when he's visiting. 

"Uncle Buck!" Jee squeals, running straight into his arms. 

"Hey big girl!" he greets, lifting her up to his height. "I missed you," he tells her, patting her back. 

"I missed you too. We're watching Finding Dory," she informs. "Are you making cookies tonight?" 

Buck throws his head back in a laugh. "Yeah, I am. Good old chocolate chip cookies," he specifies. 

She gives him another squeal and claps, running back to the couch to cuddle with her mother. 

"Hey Ev," she greets, holding her arms out in a hug. He fits himself inside the gesture, and feels her kiss his cheek. "Dinner go well?" He pulls away, running his hand down the duffel strap. 

"Yeah, it went great actually. The enchiladas were a hit," he beams. He slips the bag off his shoulder into a corner of the room and joins the girls on the couch. 

"Did you bring any for us?" Maddie teases. 

He chuckles. "No, Eddie is hoarding the leftovers." 

"Of course he is," Jee-Yun mutters. 

"Hey, maybe one night, I'll come over and make spaghetti you like," he suggests. 

Jee-Yun's eyes go wide in excitement and she clutches onto his arm. "You promise?" she asks. 

Buck looks to Maddie who is beaming. She shrugs in "its no big deal either way." 

"I promise," he swears. When she sticks out her pinky, he links it with his own. 

The three of them turn back to the movie, but only one of them truly lets it steal their attention. Buck can feel Maddie watching him, and Buck can't bring himself to watch a fish reunite with her family when his is a mess. But neither adult complains, for the sake of Jee-Yun. The rest of the film is spent in giggles, the faint crying of the baby, and cuddles. 

As the credits roll, Jee-Yun slides off her mother's lap and stands in front of the TV. 

"Cookie time!" she declares, on hand on her hip and the other waving a finger in the air. 

"And what's the first thing we do before we bake?" Buck asks, also sliding off the couch. 

"Wash hands!" She takes off into the kitchen, almost colliding with her unsuspecting father. 

"Whoa!" he exclaims, barely dodging the accident. "Watch where you're runnin' flash!" he warns. 

"Sorry Daddy," she giggles. 

"You're giving her more sugar?" he sighs, turning to Buck. 

"Mm, sorry, what was that? Sounds like someone doesn't want cookies," he tests. 

Chimney frowns. "Watch your back Buckley. Watch your back." He shakes his head and steps into the living room. "Give him trouble Jee!" he permits. 

"Never!" she declines. 

Buck throws his head back in a fit of laughter. God he loves his family. His niece bounds up to him in a flurry of joy and holds out a bright pink hair tie. He accepts, and she spins her back towards him. He's become a master at tying up children's hair because of Jee-Yun. 

"Ta-da!" he declares. 

The two bakers set up their work space, pulling out large bowls and measuring cups as if they were long lost tomes holed up and layered with dust. The night comes alive and Buck feels like he can breathe again. He spends half the session with his hand over Jee's as she stirs, and lets go only when she whines that she's got it down. She does. Another part of the session is spent coaxing her away from the chocolate chips, reminding her they'll taste better in the cookies (truthfully, he's just trying to stay on Chimney's good side and limit her sugar intake), but he loses the battle and she ends up with smears around her lips. He doesn't even realize it reminds him of Christopher, and the night carries on. 

—

"That's the last of em," Buck states, pushing a cookie tray into the oven and tossing the door closed. 

Jee's cheer turns into a yawn and Buck smiles. 

"Thanks for helping me out kid." He raises his palm and she smacks it lazily. 

"You're welcome Uncle Buck. Your cookies are always yummy," she smiles. 

"Our cookies. You get some of the credit for all that stirring you did tonight," he points out. 

She giggles and holds her arms out for a hug. She yawns into his shoulder and allows him to pick her up. Buck tosses his oven mitt onto the counter and walks out to the living room. Maddie pouts her bottom lip and Chimney lets out a small 'aww' when they seem them. Jee doesn't see her mother grab her phone, but Buck does, and gives the camera a small smile. Maddie grins down at the capture, and Buck feels light. 

Chimney stands, and beckons for him to pass over his daughter. He obliges, reluctantly, handing over his niece. He gives her a small kiss on the head before she's fully out of reach. 

"You can tuck her in for bed if she doesn't pass out immediately," Chimney whispers. Buck nods. As his brother in law pads off to the hidden parts of the home to take care of his daughter, Buck turns to Maddie. She gives him that look, and he turns on his heel back into the kitchen. 

"Buck," she tests. He picks up the oven mitt he'd abandoned moments ago and tosses it into a drawer. 

"Buck," she repeats. He sighs, and pulls the strings of his apron loose. 

"Yeah?" 

Her eyebrows raise. The language asks every question, yet none at all. 

"I dream about him now," he said softly. 

"What kind of dreams?" She steps to him, lifting the loop off his head. He takes the cloth from her and sighs again. 

"One where we kissed. One where we were married," he admits. 

Her eyes widen, but not in surprise or shock. "So…?" 

"I want it," he blurts. His brain explodes at the confession, sending sparks and debris and dust to his skull.

"And what is that? What exactly do you want?" she asks. 

"I think you know," he says quietly. 

"Only so much." The reminder is gentle. Always gentle. 

He draws in a shaky breath and looks up at her. She reaches out and brushes back one of his curls. 

"I think I need to leave," he sighs. 

Her brow furrows. "Why? Where would you go?" 

He shrugs. "New house might work, but even the east coast doesn't feel far enough."

"Buck," she says. 

"I can't lie to him Mads," he breaks. "If I'm in love with him—if that's what this is, I can't wake up in his bedroom every morning, make his coffee at the firehouse, or have movie nights knowing what every thing could become, and even worse, wanting what it could become." 

"So don't lie to him, Ev. Tell him, the full truth." 

"I can't," he whispers. 

"Why?" 

He starts to cry, and he feels the tears slidling down his face before he feels the burning in his throat. 

"He'd listen if you did," Maddie claims. She strokes his curls as she hugs him. 

"He won't reciprocate," he claims. For some reason, it sounds weaker than hers. 

"You don't know that." 

"He's—"

"Don't, say it," she grumbles. She sucks in a breath. "Sorry. I just mean, well, look at you. How long did it take for you to realize you were bi?" 

He swallows back the taste of salt. "More than thirty years," he admits. 

"What makes you think that couldn't be the same for him?" 

Buck frowns. "That he's bi?" 

"Bi, gay, I don't know. And it doesn't matter. My point is," she pauses, and forces his eye line to meet hers. "You don't want to lie to your best friend. You don't want to lose him or the home you've created with him. I wouldn't either. But you aren't giving him a chance to answer." 

There's a moment of silence before Buck speaks again. 

"What do you think he'll say?" he asks. 

"Something you won't expect," she shrugs. He gives her a look similar to that of a glare. "I don't know! I just…" she smacks her hands on her thighs. "I get that you're anxious," she tries again. "But if you don't give him a chance to hear what you're going through, you won't ever get to know how he could help you get better." 

Buck took a deep breath, and Maddie matched his exhale in support. 

"I don't even know how to tell him." 

Maddie tilted her head back and forth. "Yeah. It won't be easy," she sighed. 

Silence. 

"I still want that break," Buck stated. 

Maddie nodded slowly. "I think that's healthy." 

Buck made a light scoff. "Didn't seem like it a moment ago." 

"Well a moment ago, it sounded like you were running from your problems, and that's not a very Buck thing to do. You're not allowed to steal my brand little brother," she teased. 

He laughed, a wet, hearty laugh that shook his shoulders as he wiped tears from his face. "Sorry," he joked. 

"That's okay," she said softly, wiping one of his tears for him. "Where do you think you'll go?" 

Buck shrugged. "Might hit Minnesota. I miss Bobby." When the words came out of his mouth, it's like he could feel his sisters heart break. 

"Oh," she squeaked. "That's understandable, actually." 

He nodded through another wave of tears. "Other than that," he shook his head. "I just need to get out of L.A. See more of the world." 

"Get a new perspective," Maddie whispered. 

"Something like that." 

She nodded. "Okay." 

"Ugh," Buck groans. 

"What?" 

"I don't want to go to work tomorrow," he chuckled. 

"Oh!" Maddie laughed, caught off guard. "I'm actually looking forward to going back," she admitted. 

"That's fair actually," he laughed. 

She nodded. 

"Listen, I don't mean to ruin this moment, but Eddie wasn't all we talked about on the phone," she notes. 

"Tommy," Buck sighs. 

"Tommy," she repeats. "Have you told Eddie about what he said?" 

Buck's head shot up quickly. "About the competition comment?" 

"I'll take that as a no," she decides. 

"I didn't want to make things weird between us," he states. "I hate thinking about it." 

"I don't think it would make things weird between the two of you," Maddie contradicts. 

"But what if it does?" 

"Didn't he stop talking to Tommy?" she asked. She moves from her bar stool, and begins picking up dirty dishes. 

"Did I tell you that? I don't remember telling you that." 

"So yes," she presses. 

"Yeah," he sighed. 

Silence swirls around them for a moment. 

"He knows something is wrong," he finally admits. 

Maddie set a bowl into the sink. "Eddie does?" 

"Mhm," he hummed. 

"He's your best friend Buck. You deserve to be able to tell your best friend everything." 

That's the comment that really does it for Buck. He feels things slide into place, and he nods. 

"Look, if Eddie doesn't feel the same way, I truly believe he'll be mature about the situation and give you the space you need. He has his right to feel however he feels about it, but it's not going to be negative," she says firmly. 

"You really think so?" 

"I know so," she emphasizes. "Call it an older sister instinct." 

Buck snorts. "Sure," he chuckles. 

"You'll be okay Buck. I promise." 

"I know," he says weakly. 

Maddie steps in front of him and gently presses a kiss to his forehead. 

"Hey uh, could I stay another night? I won't stay any longer than that, I promise. I just. I think I need another night before I can go back." He looks up at her, deploying the puppy dog eyes. Only, he really is worried about going back to Eddies. 

She sighs and gives him a worried smile. "Sure. I'll let Chimney know. Plus, Jee always likes having you around. You can stay here another night, Evan." 

"Okay," Buck exhales, relieved. "Thank you." 

Chapter Text

Chapter Thirteen 

"You Don't Know What You'd Be Taking From Me"

Eddie

The next morning, Eddie inhales the scent of Buck and feels a bounce in his step. He feels lighter, and he decides he's going to ride out the high as long as he can, because: 

He's gay. 

He's a father to the greatest kid in the world. 

He loves his best friend. 

All good reasons to keep going and enjoy life when he finds the moments to. 

So he does. He rolls out of bed, parting with the soft fabric of his snuggle hoodie and dresses for the day. Somehow, despite his draining excursion last night, he's awake before his alarm. He shuts off the ringing swiftly. 

The house is still silent when he enters the living room. Chris is likely awake, but he's not out and about yet. Eddie goes to the kitchen alone, thumbing through breakfast options in the fridge. He settles on a yogurt cup. He eats it slowly, enjoying the strawberry flavor. He tries not to think as he eats. 

By the time the cup is empty, he hears Christopher's crutches softly clacking down the hall. Chris spots him, and gives him a wave mid yawn. 

"Morning," Eddie greets. "How late were you up?"

Christopher shrugs. "Long after you got back home," he says. Eddie catches the searchful once over his son makes. He scrapes the remaining yogurt from the sides of the carton and savors it. 

"You want to know what happened?" 

Christopher shrugged again. "You seemed upset. I just want to know you're okay," he states. There's a hint of softness in his voice, that careful tone a child shouldn't have to use around their parents. Eddie takes a breath. 

"I'm okay, I promise. I just. I got some news yesterday, and it upset me, and then I figured something out about myself that threw me for a loop. But I'm okay. I just needed to process it." 

Eddie wonders if he should tell Chris about his family. He omits the detail for now, but Christopher's silence isn't convincing him. 

"Okay?" Chris tries. 

Eddie sighs. "Your abuelo and grandma are visiting soon." 

Christopher's appearance changes in a million ways at once. His shoulders stiffen, his eyebrows raise, and his pupils shrink. "When will they be here?" 

"Tia Pepa said they're flying in this Wednesday." Eddie searches his sons eyes, but it just looks like preparation. "Maybe we should talk more about what happened in Texas," he suggests softly. 

Christopher clears his throat. "You have work today," he states. 

"I do. I meant some time after." 

Christopher slumps in his seat. "I don't want to go back." 

Eddie reaches over and rubs his arm. "You won't Chris. You're staying here, in L.A., in this house, with Buck and I. Not El Paso." 

Chris gulps. "You promise?" 

"I promise," Eddie says softly. 

Chris nods. "Thank you." 

Eddie smiles. "You're welcome bud." He removes his hand from his son's arm and pushes back from the table. He tosses his spoon in the sink and the plastic in the trash. 

"Did you want me to make something before I leave? I know Carla usually makes your breakfast, but I thought—" 

"Dad?" 

Eddie stops short of his question and looks to Chris. This time, the look on his face isn't preparation or fear. It's curiosity. 

"Hmm?" 

"The other thing," he says. Eddie squints and cocks his head. "You said there were two things you freaked out about last night." 

Oh. Eddie closes the fridge, pushing it closed instead of just letting it swing. "I did." 

He felt his heartbeat pick up, and he wrung out his hands. 

"Am I allowed to know?" 

"I'm gay."

He clamps a hand over his mouth after he says it, realizing it slipped out before he could think about it. He removes it after a moment, and clears his throat. 

"Let me try that again—" he says, avoiding Christopher's face. "Last night, after talking to Hen and Karen, I decided that I'm not a straight man. I'm gay." 

He finally allows himself to meet Christopher's gaze, only to find him halfway to his side. He blinks, confused, but accepts his sons hug when he reaches out for one. Eddie clears his throat again, feeling tears prick his eyes. 

"What's this for?" he jokes, weakly.

Christopher pulls back and shrugs. "Some of my friends say this is scary. Hugs help, I think." 

Eddie nods. "It does," he whispers. 

"Okay," Christopher says. "I'm proud of you, kid." 

Eddie laughs at that. Definitely not a kid, but it works. "Didn't you say the same thing to Buck?" 

"I say it to everyone," and he shrugged again, taking his seat back. Eddie mirrors the action,

There was silence again. 

"What are thinking about?" Eddie poked. 

Chris drew in a breath. "Mom." 

Ah. 

Eddie clicked his tongue. "I'd say that explains a lot," he confessed. 

"Yeah," Chris sighed. "I think she'd be happy for you," he added. 

Eddie tried to push words out. Because, would she? Would she have supported? Would she have helped him through this? He leans back in his chair. Shit. Maybe she would've. 

"Dad?"

Eddie blinks, snapping out of his daze. "I guess I can only hope she would've," he replied. 

Chris nodded. "I really believe it." 

Eddie bit his lip. Chris usually saw the good in people, and very rarely did it backfire. And well, he probably knew his own mother better than Eddie knew his own wife. 

"I'll take your word for it then," he smiled. 

Christopher grinned. A burst of warmth spread across Eddie's skin. 

A knock at the door ensured that the conversation ended on a good note. Before anyone could get up to answer it, the door knob turned and Carla let herself in. 

"Good morning boys," she sang. 

"Hi Carla," they waved. 

"It feels like a good morning, wouldn't you agree?" She approached the table and set down her bag. She leaned in to kiss Christopher's curls, and patted Eddie's shoulders. 

Father and son shared content looks. 

"Agreed," Eddie nodded. She seemed happy with the answer and moved over to the sink. 

"Now you know I would never kick you out of your own home," she started. Eddie shut his eyes and his mouth quirked up. "But you know you have work today right?" 

Eddie laughed. "Yeah. I should get going now. You got breakfast?" he sighs. 

"I've got breakfast." 

Eddie stands from the table again and crosses over to Chris. They share a hug, and Carla squints her eyes as she looks between them. Eddie just grins even bigger. She resumes her mission of breakfast making. 

"See you both later. I get off at 6," he reminds. 

"Stay safe Eddie," she bids. 

"Love you dad," says Chris. Eddie allows himself another smile. 

"Love you too bud," and he leaves, duffel in hand. 

—

Eddie allows himself to take up space. He turns up the pop channel on the radio, thrums his fingers on the wheel. Even a few stray lyrics slip past his lips. The weird, lasting headache he's had since nineteen disappears. He lives. 

He circles into the fire station, and feels excited for work. He hasn't felt like that in a while. 

As he steps out his truck, a few more lyrics dance off his tongue. He whispers them, the sound disappearing when he attempts a higher note. He hears a snicker approach. 

"Hosting a concert over there Eddie? Care to tell me where I can buy tickets?" Chimney stops in front of the car next to Eddie's truck, squinting from the early sun. 

Eddie squints too. "Sorry, shows all sold out." 

Chimney smiles. "Damn," he sighs. "Guess I'll just have to tell everyone you're a pop star in disguise." 

"No one will believe you," Eddie laughs. 

"Hen will. She knows I'm terrible at secrets." 

Eddie snorts. "Fair point." 

The two walk into the station, past yawning C-Shift firemen leaving for home. 

They change in silence, excluding Eddie's singing. He can't help it, but thankfully, Chimney doesn't seem to mind. It helps. 

When the pair reaches the loft, Eddie breathes in the smell of coffee. He spots Buck at the bar, already sipping from his own mug. 

"You're here early," Eddie teases. Buck doesn't really react past pouring Eddie a cup. 

"I felt like it today," he says flatly. "I brought cookies," he redirects, nudging a Tupperware container their way. 

"I already had some," Chimney gloats. 

Eddie glares like a school kid. "Cookies and coffee," he says. 

"Did someone say cookies?" 

Chimney shovels one into his mouth and Hen snorts. He sends her a pointed look. 

"Leave some for the rest us," Eddie lectures, snatching the container. He takes one and holds it out to Hen, who smiles. 

"Thank you Eddie." Her eyes roll to the back of her head as she bites into it. Eddie's do too. He watches how Buck takes their reaction, a smile wrestling its way onto his face, like he's holding it back. "Amazing as always Buck," she praises. The smile breaks through. 

"Can't go wrong with the classics," Eddie agrees. He takes his mug and mixes the coffee with the cookie bits in his mouth. "You forgot my creamer," he notes. Buck looks up at him blankly, smile gone, like it was never there.

"Sorry," he apologizes, reaching for a flavor and passing it over. 

Chimney frowns, and points at the exchange. "Since when did you start taking creamer in your coffee?" 

Eddie shrugs. "I've been doing it for a couple days now." He acts like its nothing, but it's everything, isn't it? 

Hen squints. "Hmm." She turns to Buck. "Are you doing okay?" 

Eddie takes another bite of cookie and listens veryy closely. Whatever break through Maddie made last night—it was big. 

"Had trouble getting to bed," he said simply. "Sugar kept me up." 

"Mhm. You know that's a myth right?" she clocked. 

"I beg to differ," Chimney interrupted.

Hen rolled her eyes. 

"What?" he whined. "You're a parent too, you know what it's like." 

"Still a myth," she remained. Someone called her from the engine bay before Chimney could argue, and so the conversation was over. 

"I'll be on the couch if you need me," he sighed. 

Eddie and Buck watched him trek over. Buck raised the mug to his lips and downed the last of his coffee. Eddie took a small, savoring sip of his own. 

"I'm not coming back tonight," Buck said. 

Eddie felt a prick hit his heart. He snapped his head towards Buck and tightened his grip on the mug.

"Why?" he hoped he didn't sound desperate. 

Buck didn't look him in the eye. "I just need a minute," he said flatly. 

Eddie set his mug down. "Are you alright?" 

"Hen already asked that," Buck noted. 

"Hen's not me," Eddie he argued. 

Buck was silent for a moment. "No, she isn't." 

Eddie narrowed his gaze. "What's that supposed to mean?" 

Buck shook his head. "It's nothing really." 

That felt like the truth, but everything else wasn't. 

"I know you're hiding something from me," he stated. 

Buck met his eyes at that. "I am." 

The confession made his heart shrink. 

"You don't need to worry about me, Eds. Just one more day." He said it like a promise. It felt empty. 

I worry because I love you. 

"You'll miss movie night," he said instead. 

He immediately felt a crash of guilt when Buck's widened. 

"Chris will miss you," Eddie added, his voice barely a whisper. 

Buck swallowed. "I'll text him and let him know. So he can hear it from me." That promise felt full. 

The alarm dropped. 

"Station 118…" 

The conversation ended there, and the station was a blur of motion. 

— 

Chris: Did something happen between you two? 

Eddie sighed, and hovered his fingers over the keyboard. He had a pounding headache and the bright screen wasn't doing much to help. Christopher was probably midway through his lunch, having been left in the dark for hours and trying not to spiral about Buck's note of absence. 

You: No. I think something happened last night at Maddie's 

Chris: What did he tell you? 

You: Nothing more than he told you I'd assume. He's withholding the details.

Chris: Shit.

Eddie was taken aback by the profanity, and began typing out a lecture. Midway through, he decided against it. 

You: Agreed. 

You: I'll let you know if I find out anything more. Enjoy your afternoon

Chris: Okay. And thanks you too 

— 

He got nothing out of Buck. The Lieutenant avoided him every waking second they were at the station, and it was a solid hour before they were called out again. Eddie's heart broke each time he was dodged, and eventually, Hen caught on. 

"What's the trouble?" she asks, planting herself on the couch cushion next to him. 

"He's been avoiding me," he stated blankly. 

"Well I know that. This morning, what happened after I walked away?" 

Eddie sighed. "He doesn't want to come back home tonight," he relayed.

Hen was silent, and he couldn't bring himself to look at her. 

"We both know that's not the end of it," she pressed. "That's what he said, but what are you worried about? Besides him," she added. 

The world started to fade away from him. All Eddie could feel was the pressing tightness of his uniform, the way the station was just a little too hot. 

"I'm worried he'll never come back," he whispered. He tensed his shoulders, like he was holding himself. 

Hen sighed and rubbed his back when he balled his fist and brought it under his nose. 

"I thought things were getting better," he choked, repressing tears. "I know I can never have him how I want, but if he starts pulling away for good, I won't survive it Hen." 

Whether he liked it or not, tears were rushing down his face. They were silent drops, but they spoke volumes. But of course, the alarms spoke louder. 

He went to stand, to wipe off his tears, but Hen's other hand moved to his chest and held him back firmly. 

"Man behind," she stated. 

He slumped back into the couch without a protest. A part of him wanted to fight her call, but the other didn't want to show up to the engine crying. When he thought about that, he thought about whether or not it would've worked to guilt trip Buck into talking to him. He felt sick thinking like that. So much so that he went to the bathrooms and puked into a toilet bowl. 

Because Buck was hurting. 

And Buck was leaving. 

He couldn't let Buck leave. 

Not when Buck was spiraling. 

Even if he wasn't the shoulder he was crying on. 

Pepa had been right. 

Chris was one representation of his heart. 

But there was another bloodier, messy version of his heart. 

And Buck was unknowingly walking out with it in his pocket. 

He couldn't let him go. 

He wasn't safe with anyone else. 

"Come back to me," he pleaded in a whisper. "Come back." 

Chapter Text

Chapter Fourteen 

"I'll Always Come Back to You" 

Buck 

It had confused him, but Buck had noticed how Eddie tightened at the thought of him staying at Maddie's place another night. He spent all day thinking about his reaction; how he whipped his head to attention, gripped his mug a little harder. 

The emergencies were the only time he was able to shut his brain off, but even then, he had failed to realize Eddie was the man behind. He had been doling out orders, per Hen's command, and had subconsciously called Eddie's name. Ravi hit his arm and corrected him, and Buck was left stammering out the last string of orders. After that, he got through the call without another thought of the man. But when he was in the engine headed back to the station? They crept into his mind like old friends. 

As the sounds of the road roared past their ears, Buck thought long and hard how he was going to approach this situation. 

There were a few facts to consider:

1. Buck was undeniably in love with Eddie 

2. Buck still felt gross about potentially telling Eddie about Tommy's comment 

3. Buck felt gross about not telling Eddie about Tommy's comment 

4. Eddie was upset about him not coming home? 

Again, it was all so confusing. But there was more to the situation. If he planned on getting over Eddie, planned on going away and then coming back to start fresh, shouldn't he tell Eddie what was going on? At least what Tommy said? Then maybe they could laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole thing, and Buck could actually mean it. He sighed. It was worth a shot, right? 

The team pulled into the station and Buck felt his heart pump harder. He ignored the heat rushing over his body and undressed out his turnouts. 

Buck scanned the floor, no sign of Eddie. He did a double check of the dressing rooms, the bathrooms. No sign of Eddie. 

Even though he had only searched half of the station, a part of Buck knew he wasn't here. His suspicion was confirmed when his phone buzzed in his pocket. His eyes darted around the building as he unlocked it, only too see a message from over fifteen minutes ago. He had his settings set to remind him of floating notifications — like when he was on call and not realized his best friend wasn't even on scene. 

Eddie: Headed out. See you tomorrow 

Buck frowned and glanced up at the clock. 

6:17 

Shit. End of shift. He had missed his chance. 

As his shoulders dropped in disappointment, he felt a hand grip one. 

"You okay Buckley?" It was Chimney, smacking a piece of gum. 

"Uh, yeah. No I'm good. I just got a message from Eddie saying he headed out a while ago," Buck relayed, omitting the important parts. 

"Ah. He got lucky today," he tisked. "Got to go home on time. Damn you Diaz." He shook his head in mock jealousy. 

Buck laughed weakly, following him to the dressing room. "Hey uh, did Hen tell you why she had him as the man behind?" 

Chimney shook his head. "No. Just that she was going to buddy up with me this time. Did she not tell you? Did Eddie not tell you?" He frowned, pausing his chewing. 

Buck shook his head. "I only found out after I called out his name and Ravi had to correct me." 

Chimney was taken aback. "Weird," he said. "I hope he's okay. Let me know if you find anything out?" 

Buck nodded. "We'll be in the same house, so…" 

"I thought you were going back to your own couch tonight," Chimney pressed. 

Buck hit his arm. "I sleep on an air mattress now Chim. Keep up!" 

Chimney rolled his arms. "Whatever. Just get off mine little brother." 

Buck rolled his eyes this time. "I'll be gone by tomorrow," he mumbled. 

Chimney patted his back. "I'm kidding Buck. Stay as long as you need." He gave him a gentle smile and removed his hand. 

Buck felt a bit of warmth return. "Thank you." 

—

The two finished changing and walked out to their respective vehicles. Buck felt a familiar ache return when he saw Eddie's empty parking space, but he surpressed it and followed his brother out. 

They arrived at the house one after another, Chimney stepping out of his car just as Buck parked his. He waited at the edge of the driveway until Buck caught up. 

They were greeted by a happy Jee, giving them squeals and kisses and hugs. Her efforts were returned in the double. The pair dropped their duffels onto the couch and followed the child into the kitchen where Maddie was prepping plates. 

"Oh, crap. I forgot you were staying another night. Thankfully, there's just enough for another serving." Maddie reached for an extra dish and slid the first to her husband. 

"Thank you, my beautiful wife," Chimney beamed, giving her a kiss before going out to the living room with Jee. 

Things slowed down at that moment, and the air went still. Buck met her gaze, and she gave him a careful smile. He picked at the meal in front of him, then pushed it away. 

"What happened?" 

Buck sighed and crossed his arms on the island counter. 

"He was upset that I wasn't coming home tonight. And he was gone by the time we got back from our last call." 

Maddie's eyebrow raised. "Oh." She pursed her lips. "But there's more," she added. It wasn't question. 

Buck sighed again, shrugging. "I was going to tell him about Tommy." 

Maddie's eyebrows hit her hairline and she swiftly takes a seat across from him. "You were?" 

"Mhm," he nods. "I was. Missed my chance though." 

Maddie's shoulders fall and she too sighs. "You can still tell him tonight," she points out, staring straight at him. 

Buck draws in a breath, and breaks the eye contact just as he's finished letting it back out. 

"I don't know Mads." Buck drew his arms closer to himself. 

Her face twists from bleak to investigative. 

"What made you want to tell him?" 

"When I leave… I want to have a fresher start when I get back. Figured maybe if I finally told him, we could laugh about it when we I come home." 

Her expression falls again and turns a little… sad. 

"He doesn't like me back," he states, leaning back onto the counter. 

Maddie just stares at him, and he can feel the lasers from her eyes. 

"How long will it take you to get over him? How long until you come home?" 

Buck had been wondering the same thing. Getting over the one Eddie Diaz was not going to be the easiest of tasks, which meant it likely was not going to be cut and dry. 

So he shrugged. "I'll figure it out." 

"Well," she sighed. Buck could tell she was holding back so much more, but he didn't feel like walking into that flood. "If this is what you want, then I shouldn't need to tell you how important it is to do the hard thing." 

It wasn't what he wanted. 

But he had no other choice. 

—

"I thought you were staying an extra night Buckaroo." 

Buck slung his bag over his shoulder. He turned to Chimney and Jee-Yun, who were watching him intently. 

"Yeah," said Jee. 

Buck felt a flick of pain. 

"Sorry," he sighed. "I don't want to leave you guys," he comforted, kneeling in front of her. "I've just got some people counting on me at home," he admitted. 

Jee-Yun's eyes widened and she quickly nodded. "Chris and Eddie," she noted. 

Buck smiled. "Yeah," he confirmed. 

"Uncle Buck has to go back to his other family," Chimney added, rubbing his daughters back. 

Buck's breath hitched, and he stared at his brother in disbelief. 

How much do you know? He asked silently. 

But Chimney schooled his features. "Drive safe Buck," he bidded. 

"Bye bye!" Jee waved, giving him a parting kiss on the cheek. Buck blushed and kissed her forehead. 

"Thank you for having me," he smiled. 

Maddie looked over from the kitchen and gave him a week one back before continuing to move his meal into a container for leftovers. And with that, he channeled all of his energy into walking out the front door. 

Chapter Text

Chapter Fifteen 

"Lean On My Shoulder, Not Someone Else's" 

Eddie

When the clock finally shifted to six, Eddie wasted no time changing out of uniform and darting to his car. He had spent the last two hours crying his eyes out in the shower room, and was just barely able to play it off when B-Shift started rolling in. 

He blasted the A/C and shivered. The radio turned on on it's own, but Eddie was quick to shutting it off, barely a word escaping the speakers. He rubbed his temple and drew in a shaky breath. He really didn't feel like crying again, so he sucked in his chest and bit his lip. His phone chimed, and he spun it in his hand. 

Chris: It's six… any updates? 

Eddie's head hit the back of the drivers seat and he had to fight off another wave of tears, and lost to one. 

You: On my way home 

It was the only thing he could bring himself to type, at least to Chris. Without letting himself think too much, he typed a status update to Buck. If he even cared to know. 

Chris: Not what I meant but good 

Chris: How is Buck? 

Great question. 

You: I don't know. I was man behind and they aren't back yet 

Chris: Okay 

Chris: How are you? 

Eddie huffed a laugh. Here he was, making his son his therapist. He swiped away the message and focused on throwing the engine in drive. His phone chimed a couple more times after that, but they eventually stopped. 

It was about twenty after six when he finally made it home, and he was full-on shaking by the time he shut off the car. He didn't have the energy to do anything but walk, so he abandoned his workbag and only took his keys and phone. 

He stopped at the door, coughing away the feeling in his stomach. Eddie cleared his throat and whispered a string of nonsense reminders.Then he drove the teeth of the key into the lock and turned harshly, driving out any rushes of energy in anyway he could. He couldn't think if he was exhausted. 

Christopher was already looking at the door when Eddie walked through the house. The two of them locked eyes, and Eddie shut the entrance softly. He tossed his keys onto the coffee table and flopped down on the couch next to his son. 

The house was quiet. Carla had already left; it's normal for her to leave when Eddie sends the on the way text. It was just the two of them. Two when it should've been three. 

He sunk his head into his hands, rubbing his skin slowly. 

"No," he finally replied. He removed his hands from his face and turned towards his son. "No, I'm not okay." 

Chris didn't seem to have much to say, but he placed his hand on his fathers back. 

"Somethings different," he whispered. 

Eddie frowned. "What do you mean?" His voice was cracked, and he wiped a tear from his cheek. 

Chris dipped his head, and looked up. "I've been doing some thinking," he confessed. "Something is bothering Buck," he stated. 

Eddie nodded. "Yeah," he whispered.

"Do you know what it is?" Chris inquired. His shoulders dropped when Eddie shook his head. He felt guilty, omitting that he knew it was about Tommy. But that wasn't a big detail in the grand scheme of things. 

"Well anyway," he sighed. "There's something bothering you too," Chris continued. 

Eddie drew in a breath, feeling his shoulders rise and fall. He swallowed and played with his necklace. 

"Dad?" 

"Yeah Chris?" He looked up at his son, his eyes now brimming with tears. 

"Do you love him?" 

The tears escaped him then. Wordlessly, he sat up and held out his arms for Chris to fit into. 

"So much," he confessed. "And I'm scared he'll leave and never come back." 

"Me too," Chris whispered. "Like mom, but before she died." 

Eddie blinked, and pulled out of the hug. Chris wiped his eyes on his sleeve, but Eddie didn't notice. All he could think about was any parallel between the two of them. 

Shannon leaving, Buck leaving. 

Shannon claiming she needed him to have his back, Buck joking that he could have his. 

Shannon begging to see Chris, Buck getting him without asking. 

Shannon dying, Buck dying but coming back. 

"Holy shit," he whispered. 

"What?" Chris asked, putting his glasses back on. 

Eddie shook his head. "I uh, I just hadn't realized how similar the situation was." 

And how this ends, he thought. 

"I just don't want to lose him," Chris sighed. 

Eddie swallowed and sat himself up. "We won't," he said. 

Chris hesitated and looked him dead in the eyes. "You promise?" 

Eddie nodded. "I promise. We're going to fight to keep him here, okay?" 

"Yeah," Chris agreed. "I'll do whatever it takes." 

They connected for another hug, holding the other tight. When they broke out, Eddie smiled. 

"Still up for movie night?" 

Chris gave him a weak smile. "Buck would want us to be happy," he said. 

—

Time had crawled on during their conversation, and it was around seven when they finally settled in for their movie. The microwave and popping kernels were the only sounds to full the room, and Eddie pulled the door when the ruckus began to subside naturally. He shook the bag vertically twice before tearing it open and dumping its contents into a large red bowl. 

Christopher's finger was on the "play" button when the front door lock turned. Eddie's hand was midway to his mouth with a piece of popcorn. Both boys froze.

The door swung open, and Eddie felt the shackles on his heart break apart when his partner came with it. Buck's gaze caught both of their's immediately, and he gave out a small, sad chuckle when he saw the snack and the TV screen.

"I was gonna ask about Movie Night," he joked nervously. 

Eddie watched Chris thaw. "Yep. We were just going to watch Spiderman. That cool with you?" He scooted over into the middle of the couch.  

"Yeah, yeah that sounds perfect," Buck sighed, visibly relaxing as he shrugged off his jacket. Eddie let himself breathe. 

"I'm gonna run to the bathroom, I'll be back in a sec," Buck mumbled. "Hey Eds." He dipped his head and shyly smiled before disappearing. 

Eddie walked fully into the living room and listened. The bathroom door clicked shut, and he heard the fan follow a flicking sound. He loosened his tensed muscles and joined his son on the couch. 

He carefully slid the bowl onto the coffee table, and sighed. 

Chris's eyes were wide and shocked. 

"What do we do?" he whispered frantically. 

"Let's just… see what happens? Maybe?" He shrugged, and felt bad that he didn't have answers. But it satisfied Christopher. 

"Okay," he nodded. "Okay." 

Buck flicked off the fan and walked out into the living room. The two shifted into a more natural position as to not get caught scheming. He sat on Christopher's other side, reaching for a piece of popcorn and a blanket to cuddle. 

"Not that one," Chris said. 

Buck looked over, confused. "What?" 

Chris retrieved the bigger one that was stowed away under the table. 

"This one," he said, and Buck obeyed, seeming dazed. Chris passed a side to his dad, and let Buck take the other as he snuggled into the back of the couch. 

"Better," the boy sighed, and clicked play. 

Eddie couldn't have been more grateful for his son than he was in that moment. 

—

Mixed P.O.V.

Chris was yawning long before the credits rolled and seemed eager to leave when they did. Eddie wondered if the stress had tired him out. 

"I'm gonna get ready for bed," he declared, pushing the blanket off him. 

Eddie discreetly moved his arm back to his side before Buck could notice where it was. He had it draped along the back of the couch, behind Chris and landing right next to Buck's curls. He'd be lying if he said he hadn't teased them once or twice during the movie. 

He helped his son out of the blanket, draping the fabric behind his head as he ducked out. Eddie pulled it back over his lap when Chris rounded the corner of the couch. But the boy paused, and both men looked up at him. 

"I know you guys need to talk about things," he said. Eddie watched Buck swallow and briefly glance down at his hands. "I'll let you do that now. Love you guys," he parted. 

"Love you too Chris," Eddie said. 

Buck looked taken aback, and was struggling to get words out. 

"Uh, yeah, I-I love you too buddy," he stammered. When he grimaced at his reaction, Eddie couldn't help but chuckle. 

"Oh shut up," Buck laughed. 

Both men let the silence swirl around them, unsure what to say next. 

Eddie takes the lead, lowering his feet off the coffee table and reaching for their empty beer bottles. He can feel Buck's unsteady gaze down his back, but he doesn't let the discomfort win. 

"You got the bowl?" he asks instead. 

Buck clears his throat and nods. "Yeah." The un-popped kernels rattle against the plastic as they walk. 

Eddie presses his foot down on the recycling bin's pedal and drops the bottles inside. Buck does the same to the trash and Eddie hears the pieces cascade inside. He turns away and leans against a counter top. 

This time, Buck feels eyes on his neck. He jerks it from side to side, hearing the satisfactory click and pop of his stressed joints. He spins the bowl in his fingers once before dropping it in the sink. 

Buck turns and wrings out his hands. Eddie moves his gaze down to the floor, white-knuckling the counter tops. Buck shifts on his feet. 

"I'm in love with you," is what they want to say. Instead, it comes out as-- 

"I'm going on road trip." 

"My parents are coming this week." 

Both of their heads snap up, an equal flush of concern for the other. 

"When?" they say simultaneously. They both grimace. 

"You first," Eddie tries. 

Buck shakes his head. "Not anytime soon, apparently. When are they coming?" 

Eddie caves and avoids Buck's gaze. 

"Wednesday." It feels bitter on his tongue, and it sounds like nails on a chalkboard for Buck. 

"Yeah, definitely not leaving yet," he mutters under his breath. Buck rubs his temple, trying to soothe the oncoming headache. "Why? What do they want?" 

"Christopher," Eddie mumbles. And then a bit louder- "Just to meddle I guess." 

Buck runs his hands across his face and temporarily forgets about his own problems.

"How long are they staying? Where are they staying?" 

"No idea, and they're staying with Pepa. She's the one who told me. It was last night, right after you left." 

Buck let's out a puff of air. "Chris know?" 

Eddie nodded. "He does." 

He knows more than that, he wanted to say. 

Dust settles between them, and Buck slumps into a chair. Eddie takes his seat across from him. 

"So… road trip?" 

If Buck staying one more night at Maddie's affected him that badly, there was no way Eddie would be able to stomach a whole trip. 

Buck sighed. "Yeah." He shrugged. "I need to clear my mind after Tommy," he confessed. 

Eddie felt a pang of hurt hit his stomach. "Ah." 

"Speaking of…" Buck starts, looking at his palms. "Uhm..." 

Eddie rests his head into his hand, and watches. "Buck, if you're not ready…" 

"No," Buck shakes his head. "I am, I am. I just…" he swallows. "It's not what you're going to expect." 

Eddie squints, and rakes his teeth over his bottom lip. "Alright." 

Buck nods, his shoulders relaxing. 

"He uh, he wanted to get back together, as you could probably guess." 

Eddie tilted his head from side to side, rolling his eyes. "Yep," he popped the 'p.' "But…" 

"But, I said no. I was debating saying yes, you know I was gonna hear him out. But he was happy you were gone," he sighed. 

Eddie's eyebrows raised, and he let out a low whistle. "I mean, thank you for sticking up for me. But I guess the guy had some reason to. I did drop him after you broke up." He tried to be cool about it, but his accent was coming in thick -- something that happened when he started feeling really passionate about something. 

"Eddie, he said you were competition." 

The confession was a gunshot. Eddie slapped his palm onto the table and leaned off of it until his back hit the chair. 

Buck felt a rush of anxiety wash over him and his heart raced. 

"What?" 

Eddie was furious, but Buck didn't realize it wasn't towards him. 

"S-Sorry, I know, it's bad. I swear I didn't know he felt like that," Buck stammered. 

Eddie's mind was reeling, and he didn't comprehend how much Buck had started spiraling until he tried to get up and leave. 

Eddie shot out his hand and caught Buck's arm, gently pulling him back to the table. 

"Buckbuckbuck, stop, stop. It's okay, it's okay. I promise I'm not upset at you," he soothed. 

Buck let out a breath of relief and took his place back at the table. 

Eddie did too, and slipped back into his mind. 

What. The. Actual. Hell. 

Not only did Tommy hit Buck in a sensitive spot when he was already hurting, but he knew he was gay? The thoughts made his heart pound. How long had he suspected? Would he have outed him, given the change? 

"God he's a bitch!" he exclaimed, his voice going a pitch higher than normal.Eddie shook his head. "Are you doing okay?" 

Buck laughed at that, and gave him a small smile. 

Was he okay? 

"I'm trying to be," he admits softly. 

Eddie nods, slowly. "I'm sorry," he sighs. 

Buck squints, cocks his head. "For what?" 

Eddie opens his mouth, then shuts it. For what? "I dunno, just… this whole thing." 

Eddie was never planning on telling Buck he loved him, but damn. Hearing the whole situation be laid out, having another reminder telling him he could never have Buck in that way? 

Buck nods. "Yeah, it's real shitty." 

Once again, silence comes creeping back into the kitchen. Eddie squirms, not being able to handle it. 

"You know you don't have to stay for my parents, you know," he blurts. 

Buck's head snaps up, his eyebrows furrow. "I mean, yeah, but why wouldn't I? I don't want to leave you guys alone with them," he defends. 

Eddie folds into himself, and he can't really fight that. 

"You sure?" he breathes out. 

"Mhm," Buck nods. 

Eddie draws in a breath. "Alright," he sighs. "Alright. Thank you." 

Buck smiles, a bigger one this time. 

"Anything for you guys."

Chapter Text

Chapter Sixteen 

"There Will Always Be Space For You" 

Eddie 

Buck cleared his throat. "I'm going to go hop in the shower, if that's alright with you." He yawned, stretching out his arms. The stress must've been getting to everyone today. 

Eddie nodded his head, snapping out of his daze. "That's fine." 

The other man nodded and took off into the hall. Eddie listened to his movements intently; his footsteps, another yawn, and then the bedroom door clicking shut. 

Quietly, he pushed out his chair and snuck out into that very same hall, and when he was dead sure it was safe, he darted to Christopher's room. All those years of dancing kept him light on his feet. 

Knock knock. 

Christopher's response was almost instant. The door swung open, and Eddie slid inside as soon as the space was big enough. Chris peeked out and then shut it behind his father. 

"Are we hiding from Buck?" he asked, eyes wide. 

"Sort of," Eddie sighed, dropping to the floor. "Phew," he huffed. 

Christopher pushed up his glasses and sat onto his bed. "So?" 

"Okay," Eddie started. And then he paused, frowning. 

How much of this should he tell Chris? 

"Dad?" 

He sighed. "Hang on. I'm trying to find the words for all of this," he reasoned. But Chris saw through his act, and raised his eyebrows. 

"You can't tell me anything, can you?" 

Eddie shut his eyes and pursed his lips. 

"Okay, you know that thing that's been bothering him? What he wouldn't tell me about?" 

Christopher squinted. "Wouldn't…" His eyes widened back up. "He told you?" 

Eddie nodded. "He did. He told me just now. And that… I don't think that's something you should be concerned with." 

He watched his sons shoulders drop for a mere second before they straightned back out. He wanted to tell him everything, but how do you tell your own son that 

1. Someone could've outted you 

2. A grown adult had been so severely insecure that he made a mess of well, everything? 

Chris was fourteen now. Maybe it wasn't as inappropriate to talk about as Eddie thought. But even still, was that something Buck wanted Chris to know? He put a pin in the situation for now. 

"As long as he told you," Chris decided. 

Eddie gave him a soft smile. 

"Anything else?" 

"Yeah, another thing that I can't talk about. I want you to hear it from him," he said. 

Chris grimaced. 

"But," Eddie interjected, shooting his hand out and pointing. "He's going to help us out with your abuelo and grandma." 

"Yes!" Chris cried, falling into his pillow. 

"Thank god for Buck," Eddie laughed. 

"What are we thanking me for?" 

Eddie jumped out his skin when Buck appeared in the doorway. He coughed, and hit his fist to his chest to regulate his heartbeat. 

"Damn Eds. I'm not that quiet," he chuckled. "Can I come in?" He directed the question to Christopher, who nodded. 

"Okay, first of all, you said you were getting in the shower. That was way too fast to have been a productive one," Eddie scolded. 

Buck laughed again. "Decided against it. I just changed and brushed my teeth instead." 

Eddie rolled his eyes. "And second, I'm pretty tired after today. Cut me some slack!" 

Buck broke into a yawn when he mentioned being tired. "I think we all are," he sighed. "Oh yeah. Why were you the man behind today?" He took a sip of his water, not breaking eye contact as he tipped his head. 

Eddie crossed his arms over his chest and cleared his throat. "I didn't feel well." 

It wasn't a total lie. 

Buck nodded, but not in a way that looked satisfied. 

"Anyways," he sighed, sprawling onto his back over Christopher's rug. Eddie watched him relax, and shifted to get more comfortable. Chris took that as a cue to flick off the main light and turn on his desk lamp. That mixed with his night light was enough to fill the room in a softer glow. 

"Hey uh, let's talk about Texas, since we're all here," Eddie suggested. 

Buck rolled his head to each side, looking at the two Diazes. 

"He means about what it was like staying with my grandparents," Chris translated. 

Buck made an 'o' with his mouth and nodded. 

"I really wanted to text you," he confessed, shifting uncomfortably. 

Buck pushed off the rug and leaned against the desk. "I'm not upset that you didn't," he assured. 

"I know that," Chris said softly. "They didn't like that I was talking to you," he revealed. 

Eddie stiffened when the words slipped out Christopher's mouth. The twitching foot on top of his crossed ankles went still, and his gaze when straight to Buck. Buck's went to his. 

"Is that why…?" he trailed off, but Eddie knew what he was asking. He nodded like it was no big deal.

Christopher looked between the two of them, staring at his father with pleading eyes. 

"I asked to see his side of your texts, to see how much you messaged during the break," he explained. 

Chris softened. "Oh, okay." 

"Chris, bud, do you know why they didn't let you text him?" 

He shrugged. "I can tell you what happened?" he suggested weakly. 

Eddie nodded. "That works," he coaxed. 

"It was a few days after I got to El Paso," he started. "I… I wanted to ask Buck to see how you were. I told grandma about it, but she asked who you were," he said, turning to the man who nodded. 

"I explained that you were our best friend, but she told me I probably shouldn't text you. I listened, because she said you were just going to try and get me to come back. But I think she said you'd guilt trip me? I don't know. I think that's what she meant at least." 

Christopher sighed, and squirmed on the bed. 

Eddie went limp at let his head hit the wall. He sucked in a quiet breath, and felt heat spread up his back. He tightened his jaw and exhaled stiffly. What was wrong with people these days? 

"I'm sorry," Christopher whispered, his voice breaking a little. 

Eddie's eyes shot open, but Buck beat him to the bed. 

"Chris, buddy, we're not upset, I promise, okay? This isn't your fault." 

Chris didn't hold back after that, and fell into Buck's arms sobbing. Eddie took that as his cue to jump onto his feet and join, pressing against his boy's back to fully encase him in a hug. He tilted his head towards Buck, who's faced was covered in Christopher's curls. They shared a somber look; when with a little more anger and one with a little more guilt. 

"It's not either, of your faults," Eddie corrected. "You didn't do anything wrong either Buck. I'm his parent, and I trust you with Chris, okay? My parents knew that they were doing by keeping you away from him." 

"I agree with dad," Chris said, his voice muffled from Buck's shirt. 

Buck laughed at that, the noise wet. He sniffled, and Eddie noticed he was crying. Instinctively, he moved to wipe a tear off his face. If it hadn't been just dark enough to cover it, Eddie would've seen Buck break out into a blush over it. 

"Alright," he chuckled. "Point taken." 

A smile returned to all of their faces, and Eddie felt warmer. 

Chris twisted to break the hug, and Eddie quickly shifted further down the bed. 

"Anything else you can think of? Anything they did to make you uncomfortable?" Eddie rubbed his sons back, going silent to give Christopher room to clear his glasses and wipe his eyes. 

The kid sniffled, and rubbed his lenses with his shirt. "I don't really know," he sighed. "They didn't like me talking to or about Buck, I don't like chess…" He shrugged. 

Eddie nodded. "Well if you can think of anything else…" 

"Oh!" Christopher's eyes went wide. 

"Oh?" Buck repeated. 

"They uh… they acted weird anytime I brought up mom, if that helps." 

Eddie stiffened. "That doesn't surprise me," he bit out. "They had opinions about Shannon." Eddie flicked his gaze to Buck, conveyed and unamused, quick raise of his eyebrows. Buck gave a blank nod back. 

"Hmm," Chris hummed. He shrugged again. "Yeah, I don't know. I didn't like it there though. I just wanted to come home," he sniffled. 

"Well," Buck sighed. "You are now." 

"Welcome back mijo," Eddie smiled. "You're stuck with us." 

Chris grumbled, but then mumbled something under his breath. "At least it's not with them." 

Buck let out a snicker, and Chris giggled in validation. Eddie tisked. 

"Hey Buck?" 

"Hmm?" Buck looked down at the teen pressed on his leg. 

"Can you tell me what's been bothering you? And the other thing?" 

Eddie rolled his eyes and sighed. Buck glanced up at him, feeling the tension. But Eddie just shrugged. Maybe there was no reason in keeping it from Chris.

Buck cleared his throat. "Uh, well, I don't know what your dad already told you—" 

"I didn't tell him anything, really. Just tell him as much as you want to." 

Buck swallowed and nodded. "Remember Tommy?" He scratched the side of his neck, covering up his grimace. Christopher nodded. "Well, he said some pretty shi-crappy, things, and we've been broken up for a bit." 

Christopher nodded. "I knew you were broken up. Did he say those things when he broke up with you?" 

Buck shook his head. "After," he corrected. 

Christopher raised his eyebrows for the hundredth time that night.

"Anyway, before I heard about your grandparent's coming to visit, I was thinking about taking a solo road trip, to clear my head." 

Christopher stiffened, and Eddie resumed rubbing his back. 

"Before, he heard, Chris. Before," he repeated gently. 

"Yeah," Buck confirmed. "That was before all this was talked about. I don't even know where I'm going," he laughed. "Well, besides Minnesota, but anyway! You don't have to worry about me leaving, okay? I'm not going anywhere any time soon." 

Chris let out a sigh of relief and nodded his head quickly. "I believe you." 

Buck smiled and Eddie smiled, sharing the moment for a second. 

"Good." Buck wrapped him in another hug, and Eddie moved his hand so Buck could pat his back. "I love you kid," he said. Eddie's heart melted. 

"I love you too Buck," he returned. 

"What about me?" Eddie laughed. 

"I love you too dad," he grumbled. 

Eddie shook his head beaming, and Buck chuckled. 

"You didn't say it Buck," Chris said suddenly. 

Buck and Eddie went still, locked in a stare. 

"Uh, uh you don't have to," Eddie stammered. 

Buck let out an awkward noise, and laughed. "Uh, yeah, okay. Well, I mean, I care about you," he tried, bumping fists with Eddie. 

Chris scoffed, unimpressed. Eddie sent him a pointed glare, but the little shit smirked. 

"Anyway, you should probably hit the hay kid. Bedtime!" Eddie declared. 

Payback, was what was left unsaid. 

Chris rolled his eyes. "Well then you need to leave," he sassed, nudging both adults off his bed. 

Buck obeyed, grabbing his water off the floor and stretching into a yawn. 

Eddie followed, but caught his sons head and kissed his curls. "Buenas noches, mijo. Te amo." 

"Buenas noches," he said back. "Now leavee," he whined. 

Eddie chuckled and followed Buck out. The air went still when he closed the door, and he huffed out a sigh. He pressed his forehead to the door for a moment before he willed himself to walk away. 

He looked to Buck blankly. 

"On a scale of one to ten," his partner started. "How pissed are you?" 

Eddie pushed off the wall and drew in a breath. "A solid twelve," he nodded. 

Buck smiled, amused. "Fair enough, because, same." 

"Yeah," Eddie sighed. "Bed time?" 

"Please," Buck laughed. 

Chapter Text

Chapter Seventeen 

"A Testament to Our Love" 

Buck

Buck isn't quite sure when he fell asleep. Realistically, it was probably as soon as his cheek hit the pillow last night. 

When he wakes, he wakes to the sound of Eddie's and his own alarm ringing in harmony. The sun is just beginning to peek through the windows, and room feels warm. 

The morning passes smoothly. 

The two firefighters slip out of bed with ease, and dress casually. They check their work bags, making sure everything is in order for the day. When Eddie dips into the hall to say by to Chris, Buck takes the liberty of filling their water bottles. 

He's screwing on the last lid when Carla let's herself in. 

"Good morning Buck," she smiles, closing the door behind her. 

"Good morning!" he returns, setting the drink down and embracing the woman. 

"You two are awfully chipper for men about to be on shift for forty-eight hours. I could never do what you do," she chuckles. 

Buck hears Eddie snicker, and turns to see him fixing his watch. 

"Which works out in our favor," Eddie notes. 

"Is that all you see me as Eddie?" Carla shifts and places a fist on her hip, raising an eyebrow. 

He laughs, and reaches out to hug her. "You know we love you," he reassures. 

"Mhm, sure." 

The two pull out of the hug and Eddie turns to Buck. Buck nods, handing Eddie his water bottle. 

"You boys stay safe, okay?" 

The pair nods. "Yes ma'am," Buck salutes. 

Carla turns to Eddie, expectant. 

He groans. "Don't make me do it too," he pleads. 

Buck smiles and laughs, shaking his head as he slings his bag over his shoulder. 

"Bye Chris!" 

"Bye Buck!" 

Carla blows them both a kiss as they head out the door, and Buck blows one back. 

"She's great," he smiles, tossing his duffel into the backseat of the jeep. 

"She's married," Eddie teases, a sly smile crossing over his face. 

Buck tries to frown, but it fights a smile. "You know I don't mean it like that." Eddie hops into the passenger seat snickering. 

As he sticks his key into the ignition, he notices how Eddie chooses the pop station over country. 

"That's new," he notes, wiggling his finger over the radio. 

Eddie shrugs calmly. "They had some good songs."

Buck nods, not wanting to make a big deal out of it. "This is a good one," he murmurs, spinning the volume dial up. He buckles in, and watches Eddie's behavior. He seems lighter than usual. Again, not wanting to make a big deal out of it, Buck doesn't acknowledge it. 

He turns the engine, and pulls the vehicle out of the driveway and into the road. 

—

"So… are you keeping that car?" Buck asks, eyes on the road. 

He hears Eddie chuckle to himself. "I don't know," he shrugs. "Missing the truck?" he teases. 

"Honestly," Buck starts, pausing to turn. "I really am." 

Eddie laughs louder this time. 

"I mean, listen. I love this Jeep. A lot. But I miss our truck drives," he sighs. 

Eddie nods. "I'll look into it. My other truck was paid off when I traded it in, so maybe I'll get a new one." 

It's Buck's turn to nod. "Cool." 

A beat passes, the sound of the radio, road, and air conditioning fighting for dominance. 

"Man," Eddie chuckles. "I can't believe I just bought that truck." 

Buck smiles. "Is it bad that I can?" 

"You would. I'm the sensible one in this rela- friendship," he stammers. 

Buck's heart stutters at the mistake, but he brushes it off. Eddie didn't mean it. 

The man in question clears his throat and turns towards his window. Buck shifts in his seat, gripping the wheel a bit tighter. He can feel the heat spreading over his face. 

"Sorry," Eddie chuckles, a bit awkwardly. 

"All good," Buck says flatly. "You're right, by the way. Or at least, you're supposed to be the sensible one. I just sometimes corrupt you." He loosens his grip on the wheel when Eddie turns back to watch the road. 

"That is very true," he sighs. "I'm just usually not that impulsive," he murmurs. Buck wonders if he was supposed to hear that. 

"Do I think it was the smartest choice?" Buck asks, catching Eddie's attention. His friend squints, and Buck hits his turn signal. "No," he admits. "But you were going through a lot. We don't make the best decisions when we're in a bad mindset," he notes. 

Eddie looks away, shaking his head. "It baffles me how mature you are," he teases. 

"Hey!" Buck laughs. 

"I'm not saying that in a bad way, Buck. I promise," he chuckles. 

"Oh you totally did," Buck argues. 

"Okay, maybe I did. But being mature is a good thing. I swear, if you took a test on therapy, you'd get a one hundred." 

Buck smiles sadly. "I was never good at those," he whispered. 

"Then if someone quizzed you, like on Jeopardy. I don't know. You're good at a lot of things, I mean." 

Buck laughs. "Thanks Eds." 

"You're welcome bud," he smiles, immediately moving onto singing along to lyrics. Buck decides he likes this new Eddie. 

—

"Is it just me, or is he different?" 

Buck sips coffee from the cup Eddie prepared for him and furrows his eyebrows. 

"Who?" he asks. 

"Eddie," Hen says. She turns and nods her head towards the paramedic, who is situatated in the loft conversing with Chimney. 

"Oh," Buck nods, wiping his mouth. "A little. I wasn't going to make a big deal out of it. You notice it too?" 

She shrugs. "He seems happier," she notes. "Did something happen?" 

It's Buck's turn to shrug. "Uh, no?" 

She squints, at him, then cocks her head.

"What?" he whisper yells. 

Hen continues to bore into his soul, and he sighs. 

"Okay, fine. It's just been a rough few weeks, and we finally got to talk about everything," he confesses. But there's still a lingering feeling to her stare. 

"Everything?" she presses, and he squirms. 

"I told him about some stuff Tommy said, he told me his parents were coming to visit, and…" he swallowed, reaching for another sip of coffee. "I told him I'm going to plan a trip for myself." 

Whatever vibe he was getting from his Captain shatters, and he brushes it off. "Oh?" she takes a seat next to him. 

"I was going to tell you about it when I had a better idea of when I wanted to leave, I swear," he emphasizes. 

She waves him off. "I know. I was just surprised you were leaving at all," she clarifies. "Though maybe I shouldn't be…" 

Buck frowns, pouting. "That was different," he argues. "And I didn't go through with it, mind you. This… I just need to clear my mind is all. I'm coming back," he cements.

Hen nods. "Okay. Well let me know when you decide to leave, okay Buckaroo?" 

"I will," he chuckles. 

"Good. Now, I need to talk to you as Lieutenant. There's these…" 

—

Day one of their forty-eight goes smoothly. There are no casualties to report, which is a major win. 

Buck and the team celebrate with a couple homemade pizzas, each member of the house chipping in with getting to dress them with various toppings. Chimney however, groaned about having to toss the salad. And just when Buck was going to swap him out with Ravi, Eddie had laughed and took the task over without another word. Buck let it happen. 

—

The sun has officially fallen under the horizon when Buck makes a run through around the station. He closes windows, locks certain doors, and puts the building on rest. It's secure enough to sleep, but open enough to rush off to an emergency if need be. 

He passes shift mates that linger in the last bright spots, waving to them before heading off to the bunks. It's there when he catches up with Eddie again. 

His friend appears from the side of a vehicle, flashing a tired but content smile and matching his step. 

"Hey Eds, how-" he interrupts himself with a yawn and holds a hand over his mouth. "Sorry. How are you?" 

Eddie chuckles, but it's a moment too soon and he falls victim to the yawn chain next. 

"Spoke too soon Diaz," Buck tsks. 

"Shut up Buckley," Eddie mocks. "Anyway. I'm alright. That was a good shift," he affirms. 

"Agreed," Buck sighed. 

A quiet hush joins their walk, and it's a comfortable companion. 

"I miss you," Eddie says suddenly. Buck's heart rate begins to pick up. "In the field, I mean." 

Buck's heart rate slows at the clarity, and he nods after a moment. 

"Me too. Do you like working with Chimney?" Buck's been dying to know. He forgets to ask by the time they're home, but he's always thinking about it when they're on call. He's just never had the chance to ask until now. 

"I do," Eddie admits. "It's just been a while since I've been a proper paramedic. And also, the chemistry and balanced with Chim is different than it is with you, you know?" 

Buck nods. "I do." At the beginning of things, working with Ravi was a sour adjustment. Not because of anything the boy did, of course not. And then when Eddie came back, he felt a little more okay with the new pairing. Even still, it was a hard thing to navigate at times. 

"How's working with Ravi?" They've reached the bunk room by this point, but they come to a halt. "Want to go to on the roof instead?" Eddie suggests. 

"Yeah, we can." 

Buck pops his head into the room and delivers the notice to Hen, who gives him the okay. The pair redirect their walk. 

"Ravi? He's a good partner. I don't know," Buck sighs. "It's just not the same yet. Maybe it will be. But it's not the same." He shakes his head, suddenly feeling the weight of what he's missing. 

"Mm," Eddie hummed. 

The rest of the journey to the roof was silent. They took the steps in quick succession, feeling the sight chill of the night air. Buck shivered when it hit his skin. He usually ran cold. He looked over to Eddie, who looked at home in the temperature. Any other American would be confused at his attitude, because you'd think a Texan would hate the crisp. But not Eddie. 

Buck reached the ledge first, laying down behind it and pressing the soles of his feet to the concrete. Eddie joined, aligning his head with Buck's, his feet loosely touching edge. 

Buck closed his eyes, and exhaled. He blinked them back open and counted the stars. A breeze flew over them, and Buck crossed his arms over his chest. Eddie shuffled closer, pressing their skin together. 

The blond's cheeks heated, and his heart picked up. 

It's not like that, he reminded himself. But the physical touch between them had been scarce lately. He couldn't help but love that Eddie was touching him. And, not to mention, he knew why Eddie moved. His best friend was all too aware of his behavior, and that didn't stop at knowing Buck ran cold. Plus, Buck knew it made Eddie happy to help. So he let it happen. 

"You doing alright Eddie? I know things aren't going to be easy here soon, with your parents and everything. But I mean… last night was the first time I really heard about Texas since you both got home. What haven't you told me?" 

Eddie sighed, and crossed his ankles. He drew in a breath, stared at the stars, and hesitated. Buck gave him the comfort he needed. 

"It was hell Buck," he bit out. 

"I bet," Buck murmured. 

From the shine of the station lights, Buck could tell he was on the edge of tears. 

"I don't think they wanted me there," he laughed. But it was sad, and wet. He sniffled. 

Buck turned back to the sky. "I don't understand parents," he sighed. 

"Same," Eddie said. "They… it's like… it's like I was some neighbor they tolerated, someone they dug at because it was the only way to get something out of our conversations." He pursed his lips, and chewed at the bottom one. 

"My mom made fun of me getting junk food," he said. 

Buck rolled his eyes. "God forbid a depressed person try to get by," he muttered bitterly. 

Eddie was quiet. "I guess that's one way to put it. I definitely wasn't happy, that's for sure."  

"But hey," Buck brought up his foot to knock Eddie's. "You're back. You can be happy now," he smiled. 

Eddie looked to him and smiled too. "Thanks Buck. For everything lately." 

Buck shrugged. "It-" 

"Don't say it's nothing, or it's no big deal. We know it wasn't. It's like what I told you before I left. 'It's not nothing.'" Eddie's tone was firm. 

Buck bit his cheek. 

"I just knew I was going to miss you. Maybe it was selfish, moving into that house. It's like I was doing anything to keep you guys close." Buck laughed, but his was dry. 

He looked to Eddie, who looked stunned. Immediately Buck felt his muscles lock.

Shit shit shit.

Did he just give himself up? Was Eddie weirded out?

Shit shit shit. 

"Sorry, I wasn't-" 

The tones dropped. 

Everything in Buck's body screamed. On the inside, his mind was wailing with panic. But on the outside, he stayed rigid, calm. 

The two of them jumped to their feet, Buck beating Eddie to the buildings ladder. They scaled down the side of the station and double timed it to their turn outs. Hen jogged up to their side and popped her head in between them. 

"Guess who said the Q-word?" she grumbled. 

Eddie threw his head back and groaned. 

Buck spun and shot a pointed glare at his pro-partner. 

"It was an accident I swear!" Ravi cried, sprinting to the ladder truck before Buck could claw his eyes out. 

When dispatch announced the fire, Buck knew they were in for a rough night. 

Chapter Text

Chapter Eighteen 

"If the Prize is You, the Fight Means Everything" 

Eddie

When the tones had dropped, Eddie knew down to his bones that they were in for a long night. Unsurprisingly, they had been. 

The fire they responded had been claiming a residential home, and they were left with two facts. 

The good news: The family was evacuated. 

The bad news: The house was lost to the blaze. 

At the ambulance, four out of five of the family members were sitting together, (the father was allegedly rushing home from work) trembling in the after shock. The mother and teenage daughter were each consoling a smaller child, which was making it hard enough to check everyone over, but even worse, a police officer had the gull to think he was the one in charge. 

Eddie had done his best to ignore him, and pettily get in his way when he was interviewing the mother, like standing directly in front of him. The officer grumbled every time he did it. 

"Listen, ma'am, every one here is just doing their job," he lectured-no, condescended. 

Eddie rolled his eyes and shined a light in the oldest daughter's eyes. "How we doin' kid?" he asked, satisfied with her pupil response. 

"S-stressed," she stammered. Judy was the name she had given him earlier. 

Eddie nodded. "Understandable. What's your brothers name?" 

Judy brushed her hair out her face and cleared her throat, bouncing the crying child on her lap. 

"This is Jack," she smiled timidly. 

He smiled. "Hey Jack," he greeted softly, giving the boy a wave. The child looked to be about eight or so, and he peered worriedly at Eddie. 

"He's non verbal," she told him. "Mr. Diaz is here to help," she comforted. The boy looked between the two of them, and finally waved back. 

"I need to look into your eyes for a second buddy, can you open them real big for me?" 

Jack nodded, and his crying started to subside. His eyes followed the light, and Eddie was once again satisfied with his pupil response. 

"I don't know!" 

Eddie whipped his head around to see the mother having snapped and breaking into tears. Chimney had winced at her scream, and the officer narrowed his eyes. 

"Officer!" a voice boomed.

Judy began to sit up, seemingly to mouth off the officer, but Eddie quickly stopped her. 

"Just watch," he whispered. 

She frowned and held her brother closer, but stayed seated. 

The officer rolled his eyes and turned towards Buck. "Yes?" 

"Hi, yes I'm Lieutenant Buckley, of the 118." He jogged up to the area, stopping in front of the man. "And you are Officer…" 

"Officer Stanton," he said dryly, tugging at his name tag. 

"Yes, yes. Nice to meet you. But, I'm going to need you to give the victims space. My people need to finish their evaluations and it is not helpful for you to be here while they do that," he asserted. 

"Lieutenant, it's standard protocol-" 

"No," Buck said firmly. He stood tall, towering over the man even though the officer couldn't have been any taller than Eddie. "You will walk away from our patients or I will have you escorted off the scene and replaced." Buck narrowed his eyes and stared menacingly onto him. 

The officer didn't respond with words, but he challenged Buck's order in silence. He straightened his back, but it didn't do anything for him height wise. And, knowing he was being challenged, Buck held his ground. If anything, his face got meaner. And then- 

"Sargent?" he called, his gaze unmoving. 

Eddie wasn't expecting this part, but when Athena stepped into view, he felt like a fool that he hadn't. Judy looked to him nervously, but he smiled reassuringly. She nodded and relaxed. 

The officer swallowed, and his confidence wavered. "Sargent Grant," he greeted. 

"We need to have a talk." Her hand was gripping the front of her belt, and her tone confirmed that her words weren't a suggestion or a question. She turned, and the officer followed uneasily. 

The family and team sighed of relief when they were out of sight. 

The mother coughed and lifted her crying child onto her lap. 

"Thank you," she said her voice wavering. 

Buck waved her off, his face morphing back to a normal version of himself. "Just doing my job ma'am. Are you guys good over here?" He turns to his team, his gaze swapping between Eddie and Chim. 

"Judy and Jack are just fine," Eddie relays. 

"And Mom and Owen seem to be as well," Chimney smiles. 

Buck nods, shoulders falling in relief, but only Eddie notices. 

"Good to hear it," he smiles, dipping his head. He turns to mom. "If I'm correct, Sargent Grant will taking over this investigation in just a moment. And trust me, she is a much more respectful officer than that man. She's a near and dear friend to our team, you can trust her." 

Eddie smiles and turns back to his patients. 

"Are you two friends?" Judy asks as he checks her pulse. "You seem close." 

Eddie chuckles. "We all are," he taps Jack's shoulder, and gently presses the stethoscope to his chest. "But yeah, he's my best friend, actually." 

Judy nods, satisfied. 

"Why do you ask?" He wraps the equipment around his neck, falling into a crouch. 

She shrugs. "Like I said. You seem close."

Eddie clicks his tongue. "Alright." 

"Trinity!" 

A disheveled man in a suit sprints up to the ambulance, and Eddie watches as Judy's mask truly falls. He jumps out of the way as the man settles into the empty space between his family, embracing both females directly. Judy sobs against her fathers shoulder, and he kisses her hair. He rubs her back, and turns to kiss his wife. 

"Danny," she sighs, grabbing his arm with his free hand. 

He turns and wiggles in between his girls, moving the boys so they're leaning on him more than the others. Eddie watches him and all he can think about his parents, his mother raising three children essentially alone. 

"I-Is everyone okay?" he looks between Eddie and Chimney. 

Chimney and Eddie gravitate to the space in front of them and nod. 

"Everyone looks fine. Thankfully, everyone was out in time as to have not gotten burned or taken in too much smoke. Though, just to be safe, we would strong advise letting us take your family to the hospital." 

Trinity and Danny exchange glances and sigh. "Might as well," they decided. 

The pair loads the family into their respective ambulances and do one final round up. 

Eddie drifts to Buck. 

"About earlier-" Eddie tries, only to be- 

"Ready to go Eddie?" - interrupted by Chimney. 

Eddie blinks and purses his lips. Buck gives a sad, smooshed smile. But the way Buck delivers it gives Eddie a spark of hope. 

"After shift?" Buck suggests. 

Eddie sighs, relieved and frustrated at once. "After shift." And to Chimney, "coming!" he shouts.

As Eddie surges into the back of the ambo, watching the back of Buck's turnouts jog away, he feels his heart tighten.  

Earlier that night, when Buck's face had drooped, the stab that sunk into his stomach had pulled Eddie out of his selfish shock and immediately left him wanting to reassure his friend. But then the bells had rung, and Eddie wanted to kick rocks. It had already taken Buck what felt like an eternity to feel comfortable enough talking to him about Tommy; it was not in his best interests if his own actions pushed him away further. 

It was almost as if now that Eddie knew why he kept Buck close all these years, that the Universe was fighting to take him away. Unfortunately for the Universe, Eddie was a fighter at heart. Whether it be with a gun, hose, or stethoscope in his hand, he wasn't the type to walk away when things got tough. 

—

Eddie found some comfort in replaying their promise in his head. It was reassuring that they agreed to talk after shift, because there was no "after this" in terms of any given emergency. Cursed shifts usually ensured that. 

Los Angeles kept them up all night, and Eddie was tortured by the distance the city forced between him and Buck. 

The first emergency had been the fire. (Everyone had gotten out safely.)

The next, a man who OD'd in a park. (They were able to save him.)

After that, it was a woman who had suffered a heart attack. (Chimney successfully restarted her heart with the help of a family member.)

The tones. 

Just kept. 

Dropping. 

It was around 7:00 AM when the calls finally slowed. Between then and 7:00 PM the previous night, Eddie wasn't sure how much sleep he had acquired. All he knew was that Ravi was currently disowned. 12 straight hours of emergencies was certainly one of the worst "normal" shifts he had worked. 

By 7:02 Monday morning, Eddie's head hit the pillow and he was out like a light. 

—

When he woke—naturally, not by the sound of screeching bells—three hours later to the smell of eggs, he couldn't have been happier. Eddie whipped up the steps yawning into the back of his hand and melting into his seat at the table. 

He wasn't totally sure who brought him a plate—possibly Hen—but it was set in front of him the second he slipped into his chair, and he immediately started chowing down on the spread. 

There was no conversation at breakfast, the sounds of crunching toast and metal forks against ceramic was enough to fill the quiet. Though, they were all secretly thanking Bobby for passing down his impeccable cooking skills to Buck. Buck was just focused on shoveling food into his mouth. As one should be. 

—

The final eight-ish hours of shift passed as easily as the first day had. Whenever he is freed from the field or rig checks, Eddie caught cat naps in the bunk room. It helps as much as one thinks it can, but it's something. 

—

When Chimney comes runs up to the loft to announce the end of their forty-eight, every A-Shift member cheers and whoops. Eddie throws his head over the back of the couch and claps before jumping to his feet. 

He's quick to change out of his work clothes and boots, relishing in the feeling of his soft Henley and supportive sneakers. He searches for Buck, finding him planted on the loft stairs, duffel between his feet and phone in hand. Eddie steps up in front of him, and attempts to sneak a look at the screen. Buck clicks it off before he can see so much as a pixel. 

"Hi," Buck greets, his eyes scrunching from the setting sunlight. 

Eddie finds himself lost in the glow of his skin, the shine of his golden hair. 

Buck clears his throat, and Eddie abruptly steps back to let him off the stair case, and his heart skips a beat when Buck is the one looming overhead. The moment shatters when the height difference returns to normal. 

Eddie shakes his head and runs his hands through his hair, trying to ignore the fact that he just admired Buck. Was that something that could be passed off as platonic? He wouldn't want anyone asking any questions, but he's pretty sure Buck noticed. He's worse at this than he thought. 

"Hey uh…" Buck starts, scratching at his neck. 

Eddie's eyes widen. "Nope," he says, shooting his arm out in front of Buck. It nearly topples the man over, which makes them both laugh. Eddie's shoulders fall as the tension breaks. "Sorry," he chuckles. 

"It's fine…?" Buck says awkwardly. "What did you mean no?" 

"You don't have anything to be sorry about," Eddie states, cutting straight to the chase. 

Buck sighs, raising his shoulders and almost rolling his eyes. "Clearly I made you uncomfortable, and I-" 

"Is that what you think that look was?" 

They're at the Jeep now, standing in front of the hood. 

Buck turns away, heaving another sigh. He hesitates. 

"I don't know," he confesses. 

"Mm, no I think you do," Eddie teases, flashing a half smile. "Listen, Buck. I don't want things to be weird between us. Ever. You didn't say anything wrong last night. I faltered because, well… you know. People don't do that for me. Ever. Most will do anything for Chris, but not… not for me," Eddie says shyly, ducking his head as he lays himself out. He tries to convince himself that the burning in his cheeks is from the sun. 

"You know you deserve it, right?"

Eddie lifts his head to face Buck. The man stares straight into his eyes, his gaze full of nothing but sympathy and sincerity. Another thing to love about him. 

"I'm getting there," he says quietly. 

Buck nods. "For the record, I don't want anything to be weird between us either." 

"Good," Eddie groans. He watches Buck snicker and round the Jeep to throw his duffel in the backseat. Eddie mirrors him before sliding into the passenger seat. 

He wiggles against the fabric, pulling his seatbelt over his chest. He runs another hand through his hair, blowing at the stray strand falling over his face. When it doesn't budge, he blows harder. 

Beside him, Buck snickers again. Eddie rolls his eyes. 

"What?" he whines. 

"I overheard some girls talking about that," he confesses, waving a finger at the hair. 

Eddie frowns. "People were talking about my hair?" 

"They uh…" Buck can't finish his statement without laughing. "I don't know if it was meant to be a derogatory comment or what, but they-" He breaks out into another laugh. 

Eddie cocks his head, staring intently at his partner. 

"They called it a slut strand?" It comes out as more of a question than a fact, but it sends them both into a giggle fit. 

"What the hell does that even mean?" Eddie wheezes, coughing into his hand. 

Buck is strawberry red at this point, and Eddie almost mistakes it for sunburn. He shakes his head, and thunks it on the steering wheel. The Jeep shakes with his shoulders from the laughter. 

It takes them a while to come down from the high, but it starts back up again when Eddie realizes he had noticed that earlier in the day, he swore he had seen Buck stifle a laugh. 

"Wait," he wheezes, hitting Buck's chest with the back of his palm. "That call at the cafe, when the espresso machine exploded—"

He turns, and sees Buck nodding his head perfusely. 

"It was the two girls in the matching sundresses," he clarifies. 

"I saw them!" Eddie exclaims. "Man," he chuckles. "Some people are weird." His phone chimes, and he double taps the screen. 

Chris: It's been fifteen minutes. Are y'all are your way home?? 

"Whoops," he coughs, typing back a response. 

You: Yeah we're leaving now 

"Hmm?" Buck says, throwing the car in drive. 

"Chris was hovering," Eddie relays. 

Chris: Okay 

Eddie hearts the message and relaxes into the seat. "We were laughing for like ten minutes straight," Eddie says sheepishly, stifling another giggle. 

"I think it's because of the lack of sleep," Buck suggests, leaning his head to see the road. 

"Probably," Eddie murmurs. 

He reaches his hand over to turn up the radio just as Buck moves for the air conditioning, and Eddie snaps his hand away. Buck pulled away too, but was the first to move back and adjust the dial. Eddie finishes his movement when his partner returns his hand to the wheel. 

"Today, with all the emergencies… did you feel it too?" 

Buck paused, and Eddie suppressed a smile. He knew that hesitation like the back of his hand. 

"How they all had weirdly happy endings?" 

Eddie nodded. 

"I was thinking about it. It kind of felt like our friendship," he started. He felt his hand start to shake, but he swallowed the feeling and crossed his arms. 

"Yeah," Buck said softly. 

"You and Chris mean the world to me," he said simply. "I don't want to lose that." Eddie peered up to look at his driver, who was currently white-knuckling the steering wheel. Eddie had to force out the last couple words because there was a certain voice in his head holding him back. 

"You'll always have a home to come back to," he whispered.

"Are you sure I can stay? When you're parents come, I mean." 

Eddie reared his head back, stunned. "You… you proposed staying…" His heart rate picks up. If Buck isn't comfortable around his parents, he will not force him through that. But maybe some little part of him was relying on Buck's shoulder to lean on.

Buck sighed. "I feel like I'm overstepping though." He presses back into his seat, turns the wheel. 

"In all honesty, I could use the shoulder to lean on." Eddie isn't watching him, but he can still feel Buck perk up at the statement. "If you feel uncom-" 

"I'm staying," Buck interjects. 

Eddie blinks, a bit stunned. He snorts, and raises his hands. "Okay then." 

Buck laughs. "Sorry." 

"Nothing to be sorry about bud. Thanks for prepping for the storm with me." Eddie pats the center console. 

"It's gonna be one hell of a storm isn't it?" Buck spares him a brief glance before refocusing on the road. 

Eddie sighs, slumping into the seat. "It's usually nothing less with them." 

Buck nods. 

"Then I'm ready for whatever."  

Chapter Text

Chapter Nineteen 

"I'll Be In Your Corner, No Questions Asked"

Buck 

When Buck said he was ready for whatever, he meant in terms of shitty parental behavior. But, manic-stress cleaning works too.

Tuesday morning, he wakes to the shout of an aggravated shout. Groggily, Buck shoots out off his pillow and flutters his eyelids. He forces himself out of bed when he realizes the sound didn't come from inside the room, and discovers Eddie flopped face first into the couch.

Buck crosses his arms and leans them against the back of the furniture, frowning down on his friend.

"Eddie?"

The man rolls over onto his back. "I woke you didn't I?"

Buck nods, mouth opening into a yawn. "Yeah," he breathes.

"Sorry," Eddie sighs. He sits up straighter, wrapping his arms around his folded legs. Buck notices the basket of laundry on the coffee table, and frowns again.

"Why are you doing laundry at," --he glances down at his watch— "barely seven in the morning? And why did you shout?"

He uncrosses his arms, planting his hands against the tops of the cushions.

Eddie rubs his brow and settles palms at his hips. "Uhm, well I stubbed my toe," he explains. "As for the laundry…"

Buck raises his eyebrow.

Eddie sighs again. "I'm going to go crazy," he admits.

Buck snorts, and shakes his head. "Stressed about tomorrow?"

Eddie relaxes a little, giving him a small nod.

"If you need something to do, that's fine," Buck assures, smiling when Eddie melts. "But-"

Eddie re-tenses, posture frozen and expectant.

"Did you eat this morning?"

He softens, letting out a dry, cracked laugh. "Uh, no," Eddie says nervously, wringing his hands.

Buck falls victim to another yawn as he turns to the kitchen. "Kay," he sighs. "I'll make breakfast."

"You don't have to, if you're tired just go ba-"

Buck cuts him off, spinning on his heel. He holds out his pointer finger, only for it to land right on Eddies lips. Both their eyes widen, but it takes Buck a moment to snap it away.

He clears his throat. "Sorry."

"It's fine," Eddie whispers.

Buck scratches the back of his neck, and Eddie shifts a little lower into the couch.

"I uh…" he trails off, moving his hands ineffectively. "Breakfast," he states, pointing both thumbs behind him.

Eddie just nods this time.

Buck snaps and spins away, disappearing into the kitchen.

"Breakfast breakfast breakfast…" he mutters, clicking his tongue and searching the fridge. His watch buzzes, and he closes the door.

Maddie: [Image]

He rolls his eyes, and jogs back to the room for his phone, keeping his eyes away from Eddie's spot on the couch. When he retrieves his wanted item, he opens the photo and is greeted with a sleepy baby photo.

"Aww," he coos, typing his reaction back verbatim.

"Hmm?" Eddie leans back onto the couch, curious.

Buck forgets about the interaction only minutes ago, and turns his phone to show Eddie the photo of baby Robby.

Eddie smiles, one that reaches his eyes. "Adorable." He meets Buck's gaze.

He feels betrayed when his heart skips a beat, the twinkle in Eddie's eyes hypnotizing him like a moth to a flame. He swears he sees a blush before Eddie turns away.

Buck's phone buzzes again.

Maddie: How are things there? You aren't usually up this early.

Buck huffs a laugh at the message and strolls to back into the kitchen.

You: It's fine for now

You: And Eddie woke me up when he stubbed his toe

Maddie: For now, as in you think it'll get worse?

Maddie: Lmao. Is he okay?

You: Yes I think it'll get worse and yeah he's fine

You: Well. Again, he's fine for now. He's freaking out because of tomorrow

Maddie: Don't let him overwork himself

You: I won't. But I'm going to let him do his thing so he can feel, idk. Accomplished?

Maddie: Accomplished, productive

Maddie: I get what you're saying

You: Yeah

You: Gonna go make breakfast

Maddie: Okay. Love you.

Maddie: Best of luck today. I'll send more your way tomorrow.

You: Lol thanks

You: Love you too Mads

Buck clicks off his phone with a small smile. This time, when he checks the kitchen, ideas stand out.

Over the next few minutes, Buck toasts two cinnamon raisin bagels, slathers on peanut butter, and slices a banana for their side dish.

"Breakfast is served," he announces.

Eddie scrambles to clear a spot on the couch, having to relocate a stack of laundry. Buck rolls his eyes fondly.

"Thanks," Eddie breathes, eagerly accepting his plate.

Buck shrugs. "No problem."

The two crunch into their meal, Eddie finishing significantly faster.

"Did you even enjoy that?" Buck laughs, mouthful.

Eddie frowns, pointedly. "Can't understand you with food in your mouth Buckley," he chastises.

Buck glares, and swallows the bite. "I said, did you even enjoy that? You inhaled your food."

Eddie's shoulders droop and he lazily folds one of Christopher's shirts. It's an old, worn out graphic tee. Eddie runs his thumbs across the edges of the fabric and stacks it on it's respective pile.

"I'm too stressed out to enjoy anything right now," he admits. He leans back, crossing his arms over his chest, sighing into the couch.

Buck feels the energy drain from the moment and nods slowly. "I get that."

"I just don't know what they want," Eddie mutters rather bitterly, sitting back up and snatching an article of clothing from the basket.

Buck freezes, then carefully sets down his plate. "I wonder why it's taken them so long," he thinks. Eddie raises an eyebrow as he folds the shirt. "I mean, it's been weeks since you got back. Why now?"

"I don't know," Eddie snaps.

This time, the air goes still. Eddie breathes in deeply.

"Thanks for breakfast. I think I just need a minute," he murmurs, eyes on his lap.

Buck swallows. "I can do that."

So he grabs the plates, stacks them together, and takes them to the sink. He grips onto the counter and inhales a breath.

Eddie needs a minute.

When people say "a minute," they never mean "a minute."

Buck looked over his shoulder and swept the kitchen. He always kept it fairly clean, and it was, but it could use a bit of tidying up.

—

He had just finished wiping down the counters when Eddie appeared in the doorway. He wiped his brow, and noticed his clothing change.

"Going for a run?" He frowned.

Eddie blinked. "I'm… gonna mow. Buck you didn't have to clean," he said, breathless, his earbuds swinging out of his hands.

A wave of anxiety fell over Buck, and he tightened his grip on the dirty cleaning wipe. "Sorry, I know you were doing this to keep busy, I didn't mean to-"

"Not what I meant!" Eddie stammered, holding his palms out.

Buck closed his mouth.

"Not what I meant," he whispered, dropping his hands back down. "I appreciate it."

Buck nodded, twisting the item in his hand.

"And I'm sorry," he continued. Buck when to dismiss it, but Eddie cut him off. "No, Buck. I didn't like snapping at you, and I'm going to apologize for it. Okay?"

Buck sighed. "Okay, okay. I forgive you."

"Good," Eddie breathed. He looked down at his hands and swept his tongue over his lips. He looked back up to Buck. "I might have some things to talk about when I'm done. I just…" he trailed off.

"Need to organize your thoughts?"

Eddie nodded.

"I'll be here," Buck smiled.

Eddie smiled back. "I know."

—

Eddie

Lawncare was no where near as grueling or challenging as most things Eddie encountered in firefighting, but on a day off, it was the farthest he could passively push his body.

He stepped back from the mower and wiped his brow, tilting his head back underneath the morning sun. It's warmth was gentler than that of Texas, and he was grateful for it. After a moment, he gripped the handles of the machine and walked it back inside the garage.

On his way back inside the house, he dabbed his sweaty face with a towel. His gray tank clinging to his skin, and his sneakers and ankles were covered in mush green.

"Are you gonna clean that?" Buck frowned, ignoring his show and staring behind Eddie.

Confused, Eddie spun on his heel. A trail of grass unwound from his toes, thickening the further back into the house it went.

"When I get out of the shower I will," he sighed, removing his sneakers and ditching them underneath a nearby table against the wall. He did the same with his earbuds, but laid them on it's surface.

He could feel Buck's gaze boring into his back as he walked away. At first, he tried to ignore it. Eddie got all the way into their bedroom before he went back on that decision.

He leaned into the living room from the doorway, catching Buck's watchful gaze once more. This time, Buck paused the show droning along in the background and turned his body attentively.

Eddie cleared his throat. "I think I know what I want to talk about."

Buck smiled, and nodded. "I'll be here."

—

When he said here, Buck evidently did not mean the couch. Eddie walked out to find him on the floor, cleaning the grass path Eddie had left in his wake. He stepped up to the man, startling him. Eddie crossed his arms over his chest and raised his eyebrows.

"You didn't have to do that either," he scolded playfully.

Buck shrugged and gave the floor one final wipe. Eddie stepped back when his friend pushed himself upwards, dripped out in cleaning supplies. He took the spray from Buck's hands, and trodded over to the laundry room.

"I figured I might as well," Buck yawned, tossing the dirty towels into the hamper.

"Sure you don't want to go back to bed?" Eddie asked gently.

Buck shrugged again. "Maybe."

Eddie snorted. "Let's go to the bedroom while we talk," he suggests, leading the way. "I wanted to pick out some outfits for when we see my parents."

"You have to pick out outfits? Why don't you just wear your casual clothing?"

Buck dove onto his mattress, and Eddie disappeared into his closet.

"It would make me feel better," —he rifled through a small pile of shirts and jeans on the floor— "if I had one ready." He throws them onto his bed, sorting them out.

Undershirts… flannels… jeans…

"Ohhkayy," Buck accepts, searching for something. He flops back on the mattress with a magazine in hand.

The room falls silent, and for a moment it's comfortable.

It's just Eddie and his Buck, enjoying an early morning together in the bedroom. Buck has got his reading, and Eddie is styling an outfit. The sunshine pours through the windows, illuminating the scene.

But then Eddie remembers tomorrows problems, and the peace shatters.

He feels the anxiety rush through his arms, and he snatches the flannels off the bed.

"Which one?" Eddie asked frantically, throwing both shirts on Buck's pillow.

"Uh," Buck blinked, shifting his attention to the pieces. He stared between the two flannels, his brows knit so tight in contemplation that he looked as though he were glaring at them. Eddie "glared" with him, running through his options.

The first choice had a deep brown base, with a lighter brown shade checkered and intersecting over it. The second had a warm orange base, with a similar light brown over lay.

He didn't know which to wear tomorrow, just that those were the only one's he had swift access to. The rest of his expansive flannel collection were hidden underneath the tape and cardboard of abandoned moving boxes collecting dust in his closet. Eddie prefered to keep it that way as long as he could.

"I don't know," Buck mumbled, sucking his teeth. "Try them on and let me see," he suggested, turning back to his magazine.

Eddie let out a frustrated sigh but complied. He snagged the brown varient first, shooting his arms through the sleeves and tugging the open sides across and down his chest. He then reached for the rim of his shorts, to change into jeans, but felt a flush of embarrassment. They changed in front of each other all the time at the station. Would Buck care? Would that be weird?

Eddie pivoted and stepped into the bathroom, out of Buck's sight, to change his pants.

When Eddie walked out, Buck furrowed his eyebrows.

"Next," he waved off, flipping a page.

Eddie let out his frustrations on the shirts, ripping the first off his body and whipping the second off the bed. He watched Buck's eyebrows raise, but neither the rising rage nor perception was acknowledged.

He spun towards Buck and threw out his hands.

"Better?" The question was practially a whine.

Buck contemplated the outfit, then sighed. He looked Eddie up and down, but the look that crossed his face was one Eddie was intimately familiar with. That look, was one he made when he was about to rip someones delusion to shreds.

"What?" Eddie huffed, letting his arms slap at his sides when they fell. "Do I look that bad in flannels?" He chuckled, meaning for that to be humorous, to shake off the stress, but the joke fell incredibly flat and only strengthened his insecurity.

"On you, they look fine," Buck opened, chewing the inside of his cheek. "It's how you look in flannels that bothers me."

The deliberation of word choice sent shivers down Eddie's spine.

Eddie stared at him blankly. "What does- what does that mean though?"

Buck sighed. "Physically, flannels look alright on you. Not only does it make sense, you being from Texas, but I think you can pull them off with the right one. But you just… you always look miserable whenever I see you in one," Buck confessed.

A truck.

That's what it felt like he'd been hit by.

Any truck would do. A fire engine, maybe.

He didn't say that out loud though. That's not the joke he would want to not land.

Eddie rubbed at the ends of his flannel, squeezing the corners of the thick fabric. When he met Buck's gaze, he gave him a small smile.

"I guess I kind of am," he admitted softly.

Buck finally set down his magazine and moved to sit on the bed, next to where Eddie stood.

"Explain."

Not an order, but not a request either.

An invitation.

Eddie drew in a breath.

"Remember when I said dating felt like a performance?"

Buck nodded, peering into Eddie's eyes softly. "I do. You said that when Pepa had tried setting you up with that one woman," he murmured.

Eddie's heart melted at his observance, and chuckled. "Yeah," he sighed. "It's like that with my parents too."

Buck bowed his head and tightly smiled. "I know that rodeo. Is the flannel your costume?" He wagged his pointer over the outfit.

It was the Texan's turn to nod. "Yeah. It is."

Silence stretched between them as Eddie got the courage to articulate more of his spiraling thoughts.

"I think," he started, still rubbing his fingers over the fabric, "I think I wouldn't mind them so much if they had nothing to do with their expectations," he murmured.

Buck's nod was sad, but not pitying. "Well," —he looked up at his roommate, Eddie meet his gaze— "in this house, you don't have to be a perfect son. This is your safe space. Just be Eddie."

Eddie's breath hitched, his chest rising.

"Can you do that?" Buck asked softly.

It was the way that he looked up, his blue eyes inviting and so damn bright. Every time he looked in them, Eddie felt sad he'd have to look away.

"I can. I can be Eddie," he swallowed.

Buck's face split into a beaming grin.

"Then you've got this," he poked. "Let Eddie decide which flannel works best, or if no flannel works at all." He stood up from the bed and relocated back to his own.

Eddie turned to his mirror.

He swept his gaze all the way down his own body. The loose fitting jeans, the crinkled flannel; it wasn't Eddie. But as he stared at his reflected, sullen face, one truth bubbled up to the surface.

"Eddie's gay," he blurted out.

The room fell deathly quiet.

"I beg your finest pardon?" Buck asked.

Eddie's ears began to ring.

With wet eyes, he chuckles and sniffles.

His heart is racing out of his chest, and he knows that at any moment, his dam is set to burst.

He holds an arm up to his face, burying his nose in his wrist. He stares at himself in the mirror, then at Buck's upright reflection, who's lips are parted and eyes are as wide as the ocean.

But Eddie can't bring himself to say anything.

"Eddie?"

Eddie shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut and feeling every ounce of control he once had slip out of his fingers.

He hears Buck move.

Hears the slick plastic of the magazine hit the floor.

But at the same time, he doesn't. It's not important enough to notice.

He does however, feel the hand Buck places on his shoulder.

"You're gay," Buck repeats softly. Eddie doesn't hear the disbelieving tone behind his words.

He nods into his sleeve.

Without anymore hesitation, Buck steps in front of Eddie and wraps his arms around the smaller man.

"If you need to cry, I won't judge you Eds."

That's all it takes for the dam to break. Eddie sobs into Buck's shoulder for what feels like eternity, and Buck lets him.

"Are you afraid they won't accept you?" Buck asks gently.

Eddie nods into his shoulder. "I don't know what they believe anymore," he choked. "But it doesn't feel good. It never does with them," he shudders.

He feels Buck nod. "Okay. You don't owe them that part of you," Buck whispers.

"I know," Eddie wavered. "But I don't want to not tell them." Eddie pulled out of the hug, wiping his eyes.

"I understand that too," Buck comforts.

Eddie used the break in conversation to close his eyes and regain control of his breathing.

In, out.

In, out.

"Who else knows?" Buck inquired.

"Uhm," Eddie blinked. "Hen and Karen. And Denny," he added, shaking his head in embarrassment. He looked down to see Buck's eyebrows raised in confusion.

"Listen, Hen and Karen make perfect sense," Buck supported, holding up both pointer fingers. "But you lost me at Denny."

Eddie chuckled. "I didn't really check who was around and just kind of… blurted it out when he was there," he confessed, grimacing.

Buck nodded. "Gotcha." Eddie hummed.

"I told Chris next," he continued. He could tell Buck had no intention of holding back the smile that stretched his mouth.

"Aaaannnndddd…?"

"It went perfectly," Eddie grinned.

Buck jumped and clapped, beaming. "I'm proud of you!"

He grabbed Eddie's shoulders and shook, tossing the both of them around the room.

"Thanks Buck," Eddie laughed, wiping away more of his tears. He sniffed and soaked in the moment; basking in the warmth of that smile and feeling alive in his aura of joy.

"Hey," —Buck raised his palms— "you're not the only one who figured this shit out late," Buck laughed. "I know how it feels. I'm sure you'll find the right guy, Eds."

The statement felt... sad.

Eddie's heart shattered again, and he completely missed the glint of pain in his friend's eyes. But Buck noticed how he wavered.

"Sorry, you don't have to go out dating right away," Buck revised. "When it's the right time, I'm saying. You'll find your person."

Eddie shook his head and nodded, eyes closed to reconfigure his thoughts. "Yeah, yeah, no I know. Thank you." He forced a smile, more tears fighting their way out his eyes. 

Buck gave him another smile, but this time, Eddie caught onto the pain that surrounded it. Thinking he'd imagined it, he casted the observation off to the side.

"So… which flannel are we going with?" Buck asked, pocketing his hands.

"Neither," Eddie laughed, the overshirt already halfway off his body.

—

"Was that it then?" Buck asked, laying on his side.

Eddie folded a pair of gray pants and paired them with a white undershirt.

"Hmm?"

"What you needed to talk about," Buck clarified.

Eddie's heart skipped a beat, and he took a breath. "I think so?"

"Mm," Buck hummed.

"That was the biggest issue, I'd say. Everything else, I mean…" Eddie sighed, and nestled in between the outfit's he'd put together on the bed. "My parents. I know they want something."

Buck nodded. "I'd say so."

"I don't think it's to take Christopher, I know I said that but it was a…" Eddie waved his hands around, searching for the word.

"Not a joke but just an initial thought?"

Eddie snapped in his direction and nodded. "Exactly."

"Makes sense," Buck yawned. "Plus I mean… things seem good between you both anyway," he noted.

Eddie allowed the smile to creep across his face. "They are," he confirmed. "I think we're the best we've been in a while."

Buck smiled too. "That's good."

"Yeah," Eddie murmured. He pushed off the bed and started transferring the clothes piles into his closet. "The only thing that's really left is just being worried about what they're going to throw at us tomorrow."

"That's fair," Buck sighs, playing with his sheets. He slid down onto his pillow, releasing a relaxed sigh.

"Thanks for helping me this morning," Eddie says softly.

"Mm, 's no problem," Buck mumbles, yawning when he finishes.

Eddie flicks off the bedroom light and mostly closes the curtains, leaving just enough sunshine for that perfect midday nap. Even if it was still early morning.

When Eddie turned around, Buck was fast asleep. He allowed himself only a moment of observation, watching how he leaned onto his arm, a section of his phrased tattoo visible thanks to his sleeveless shirt. "—set him free," it said.

Eddie's gaze trailed to Buck's face, and he felt an urge to kiss the birthmark that was nestled above both his eye and brow.

He froze at the realization, but was sad that he couldn't.

Eddie stared at the pink spot, and made a decision. He pressed a kiss to his own fingers, and gently pressed the pads to Buck's feature.

It was enough for now.

Eddie removed himself from the room, dragging his feet as he went. He closed the door behind him, and leaned against it.

He hadn't gotten everything off his chest.

But he couldn't tell Buck the truth.

Not right now, at least. If ever.

He could carry the weight.

Buck was worth it.

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty 

"From Where You Came Isn't Who You Are" 

Eddie

Eddie shrugged on his black shirt-jacket in front of his bedroom mirror, folding over the collar, cuffing his sleeves. He glanced at his reflection as he shook his wrists, forcing the fabric to settle over his arms. He inhaled a small breath through his nose.

He ducked into the bathroom next, wetting his fingers and running them through his hair to tame the strands. Per Christopher's recent suggestion, he had decided to ditch the gel.

"Dad!"

Speak of the devil.

"Coming!"

Eddie rushed out of the room, flicking the light off as he went. He passed Buck in the kitchen and threw him a wave.

"What's up?" Eddie asked, slinking through Christopher's open door. Eddie jumped when it slammed shut behind him, blocking his face with crossed arms. His wide eyes met his sons serious ones, and he lowered his hands.

"Family meeting," the teen declared.

Eddie cleared his throat and frowned. "Okay… Is Buck not apart of said family meeting?"

Chris opened his mouth, but closed it and frowned. "Scratch that. Father and Son meeting."

For a moment, Eddie's thought's wanted to stray and say Buck was also a father, but there were reasons why he knew he shouldn't. Instead, Eddie raised his hands in surrender.

"What are we discussing? Dinner?" He squinted. "Something else?"

Chris shrugged, timidly. "Dinner first. It's going to be us three, abuelo and grandma, then tia Pepa, right?"

"Plus abuela, she's joining too," Eddie added.

Chris nodded again, slumping onto his bed. The room fell silent as he fiddled with his fingers. Eddie nibbled at his lip before lowering himself to the ground.

"You don't have to go if you don't want to," he offered gently. "I wouldn't force you into that, bud."

Chris sighed. "I want to see them, I'm just…" He nudged his glasses back onto his nose.

"Nervous?"

The teen nodded, and Eddie mimicked the motion.

"Are you nervous, Dad?"

Eddie sucked his teeth and leaned back, his palms against the floor.

"A little," he confessed with a sigh. Christopher raised an eyebrow. "Okay, a lot. I'm 'a lot' nervous."

That satisfied Christopher better.

A beat.

"You think Buck is nervous?"

Eddie inhaled a breath and pondered the idea.

He thought back to Last-Night-Buck, in his element as he messied the kitchen he had cleaned only a few hours earlier.

Throughout the past few days, Buck had been messaging Pepa, wanting to contribute to the dinner plans. She had ultimately decided it would be best to let her and abuela take care of the main meal, however, she had approved his idea of preparing dessert.

So there he was, making the most of the task by baking mass amounts of chocolate chip cookies at nearly ten o'clock in the evening. (Because of course, whenever Buck baked, there had to be enough for the whole 118 family.)

"He's nervous in his own way I think," Eddie decided. "He doesn't want us to feel alone, but I don't think he really cares about what your grandparents have to say. Just whether or not it bothers us."

"I guess that makes sense," Christopher accepted, perking up at the perspective. "I trust Buck," he said quietly.

Eddie smiled and unfolded his legs, watching his feet as he tapped them together.

"I came out to him last night," he confessed. He couldn't help but blush as his looked back up, his son's eyes bright with excitement.

"Really?" the teen breathed.

Eddie nodded, grinning. "Nothing besides that, but yeah. I did."

"That's good," Christopher said. "That's really good Dad."

"Iiii agreeee," Eddie sighed, rolling his head back.

They caught gazes again, both smiling.

"I'm proud of you," the blond, curly headed boy said.

Eddie swallowed.

"I'm proud of you!" Buck had cheered.

"Are we ready to go?"

"Speaking of which," Christopher mumbled. "Coming Buck!"

Eddie cleared his throat, grateful his son hadn't noticed his falter. He jumped to his feet and swung the door open, letting the kid pass through first.

"Everything okay?" Buck asked, expression skeptical, but forming a smile when they met gazes.

"All good," Eddie hummed. "How many cookies you planning on bringing?"

Buck glanced down to the lunch box settled at his waist and strapped over his shoulder. "Not enough, probably," he sighed.

Eddie snorted. "You know, abuela has been dying to try your baking."

They stepped outside the front door, following Christopher out to the driveway.

"Please tell me we're taking the Jeep," the teen whined.

"Yeah, we are," Buck reassured. He turned back to Eddie. "Are chocolate chip cookies the best option for a first impression though?"

Eddie shrugged. "For your baking it is. I can't speak for anyone else's though." He tugs the passenger door open, and smiles at the way Buck stands just a tad bit taller.

Others might've missed it, but Eddie notices.

He slides into his seat, and mock-glares at the way Christopher raises his eyebrows in judgement.

"Can you hold these on the drive?" Buck folds the lunchbox strap and hovers it over the center console, expectant.

At that same moment, Eddie's phone pings, and he pivots to fish it from his pocket.

New Text from: Mom

"I can," Chris offers, reaching for the item.

"Thanks!"

Eddie swallows, staring at his lockscreen.

"You okay?"

Eddie taps the rim of his phone, then double taps the message. "Yeah it's just…" He makes quick eye contact with Buck before turning back to the device. "My mother," he sighs.

"Ah." Buck clicks in his seatbelt. "What's the address for your aunts?" He flips his phone in his hand.

"I can type it in," Christopher offers again.

Eddie stares at his own device.

Mom: Are you and Christopher on your way yet?

He scrolls further up the chat, at the first message he had ignored this morning.

Mom: Good morning Eddie. Our visit was supposed to be a surprise but your father and I just learned you already knew.

Mom: We're boarding the plan soon. Will you be at the gate?

Mom: We touched down. Will be disembarking soon. Are you and Christopher here?

Mom: See you at dinner tonight. Love you both.

Eddie sighed and rubbed his temple. The sound of the engine roaring to life grounds him as he bullshits a response to her newest message.

You: Yep. Chris, Buck, and I are on our way. Will be there in 15

Mom: Thank you. Your father and I look forward to seeing you both.

Eddie's eyebrows quirk up, and he clicks his tongue. The avoidance isn't lost on him. If he wasn't so sure that his aunt had already mentioned Buck's attendance, he would've given her some benefit of the doubt. Even still, normally she has the grace to ask necessary clarifiying questions.

He clicks out of the thread and clicks on Karen's contact.

You: Please give me the strength to deal with my mother.

You: And father.

Karen: Strength granted. Did she do something new?

You: Won't acknowledge the fact that Buck is in fact coming.

Karen: [insert annoyed GIF]

You: Yep.

Karen: At least let Buck know how she's acting. So he can be ready

Guilt pangs in Eddie's stomach.

You: I will, and I have, but I don't think he cares.

You: My mother could say the most vile things to him, shit that I know would ruin him, but he'd pretend like everything is fine.

Karen: Remind me why you don't think you have a chance with him?

"You still texting your mom?"

Eddie jumps, quickly swiping out of the app. "Uh, yeah. Just saying she was looking forward to seeing us."

Buck nodded curtly, looking at Eddie from the corner of his eye. Unconvinced. Eddie propped his elbow on the window and dug his chin into his palm. He focused on the side of the road. Away from Buck.

"Here Chris, pick the music, yeah?"

Eddie saw the reflection of Buck passing his phone back to their boy.

"Yep."

Eddie inhaled, feeling the knot in his chest grow.

Shit.

—

Buck

The wheel spins underneath Buck's hands as he turns a corner, and he can feel his senses sharpen.

"Yellow house three doors down," Eddie murmurs.

Buck nods, taking note of the tightness in his voice. He slows the vehicle, and pulls in behind abuela's car. When the engine clicks off, Buck hears both Diazes hold their breath.

"I can take you all—"

He's cut off by Eddie stiffly but swiftly unclicking his seatbelt and throwing himself out of the Jeep.

"Ohhkay, never mind. Guess we really are doing this," he sighs.

He glances back to Chris, who shares a similar, mixed expression of confusion and worry.

Buck's movements are delayed as he watches Eddie out of the passenger window. He observes how he stretches, and how he moves his hand down his wrist to fidget with his watch.

Buck steps out of the Jeep and shuts the door. He goes to round the hood of the car, but Eddie cuts him off halfway.

"Buck, I…" the man shakes his head. "I think you should go back home."

Eddie's words are like a knife to Buck's chest, and his mouth opens and shuts, failing to find the words to debate him.

"You don't have to deal with this mess, it's not your's the clean up. And-and matter of fact, just take Chris with you, okay?"

Chris blinks and reels his head back. "Dad, what?"

Eddie ignores him, eyes trained on Buck's. "This, this is my fault, and I don't want to bring you both into whatever the hell shit show is about to go down, okay?"

Buck shakes his head, desperately trying to grab his bearings.

"You guys, you guys are safer at home, just let me—"

"Eddie!"

Buck throws both hands out, gripping Eddie's shoulders firmly, who shuts up and cowers into himself.

"I'm not going anywhere," Buck whispers, his voice and eyes stern.

"No, Buck. You're going to go home, and you're going to take Christopher with you. This isn't your battle to—"

"Edmundo!"

Pepa's hiss causes Eddie to flinch, whereas Buck and Chris snap their heads her way. Buck drops his hands off Eddies shoulders, letting his hands dangle uselessly at his sides. He swallows, exchanging a glance with Christopher.

Eddie sighs, rubbing at his temple and spinning on his heel.

"Tia," he greets.

She stares him down, but not malicously.

"You are not allowed to blame yourself for your parents actions, understood?" She crosses her arms over her chest as she approaches closer.

Eddie hangs his head, clasping one hand over his neck with the other gripping his hip.

"Nor are you allowed to do this alone," Buck adds. There's a light smile forming at the corners of Pepa's mouth. "You don't get a say in whether or not I'm here anymore."

Eddie rolls his neck, then turns to face his partner.

"You're sure?" he breathes.

Buck nods, holding himself a tad taller. "You said I could have your back, remember?"

Eddie frowns, eyes narrowing slightly, before—

He lets out a hearty laugh, shoulders joining in. Eddie's gaze flicks from Buck to Chris, then back to Buck.

"Fine," he sighs, a smile back on his face. He throws out hand. "Lead the way tia."

Eddie and Pepa turn away towards the house, but Buck waits a beat, observing. When Chris crosses his vision, he reaches out to stop him.

"Buck?"

He looks at the teen.

"This morning, I texted Hen and Karen," he started, meeting Christopher's eyes with the same firmness he used on his father. "If things blow up, she will come to pick you up and you will leave with her. Understood?"

Christopher heaves a sigh and rolls his eyes. "Got it," he mumbles. He hands over the cookies, and Buck tucks it under his arm. "You're a good dad, you know that?"

The kid doesn't wait for an answer, already traveling to the door as the words string from his mouth. Buck laughs at first, then the reality of what the teen said hit's him like a tsunami. 

You're a good dad.

Not would be.

Are. As in, already there. And there's only one child he could be that for. His mind races to the will, and the words spin out in his head.

Does that—

No, no it doesn't.

Regardless of how Christopher meant it, if he truly saw Buck that way, the compliment means everything to Buck. He thaws, a smile stretching across his face as he watches his boys walk off. A sense of strength and confidence blooms in his chest, and he takes a deep breath.

They're going to need you.

And suddenly, Buck realizes that Bobby wasn't just talking about the 118 when he said that.