Archive of Our Own ^beta

oh, you're spiraling again

the moment right before it ends, you're most afraid of

but don't you cancel any plans

5 new notifications - messages

from: spenceyyy :)

tommy, i’m sorry

everything’s just become too much

i know i told you i’d stop -  but i lied

it’s bad, but i love you, okay?

i have to go, but i’ll see you around

'cause i won't let you get the chance to never make them

stayed on the line with you the entire night

until you let it out and let it in

to: spenceyyy :)

spencer please

don’t let this darkness fool you

i need you

i’m on my way

just hang on a little longer

spencer?

please answer me

i’m calling amanda

don't let this darkness fool you

all lights turned off can be turned on

i'll drive, i'll drive all night

i'll call your mom

calling: mandy lc <33

“hi, honey, what’s up?”

“amanda you need to go to spencer’s now,” tommy says into the phone resting between his shoulder and cheek.

“hey, what’s going on?” amanda’s voice crackles from the other line.

“i- i have a really bad feeling and you live closer to him than me. please go check on him, i’m- i’m on my way but please , mandy, please ,” tommy practically begs.

“okay, okay, i’m on my way over there and i’ll meet you there. what- what do you think is happening?” amanda asks as tommy hears rustling and the jingling of keys.

“he- he sent me a text that was practically a goodbye message, and, and mandy, i’m so scared,” tommy’s voice breaks with a quiet sob. 

“okay, honey, i need you to breathe for me, okay? in for four, hold for four, out for four. you won’t be any help to spence if you wreck on your way there. keep breathing, honey.” the blond man manages to calm his breathing through the help of his friend, although his thoughts were still going a million miles-per-hour. 

“hey, hun, i’m turning onto his street now. do you know where he keeps a spare key?” the brunette asks tensely, yet keeping her calm demeanor.

“um, there should be one on the top of his door frame in a groove, or something, i think, unless he moved it in the past few days. he’s apartment 4C,” tommy says while trying to regulate his breathing.

“okay, hun, thank you. i’m gonna hang up now just in case i need to call someone else.” the ambulance, tommy thinks. “is that okay? will you be okay if i do that?”

“yeah, mandy, i’ll be okay as long as he’s okay. please, go to him. i’m still like five minutes out, depending on traffic. i need him to be okay. i love you amanda. thank you.”

“i love you too, and there’s no need to thank me. i care about you both. i’m gonna go now, i’ve made it to the lobby. bye, tommy.”

“bye,” tommy whispers as amanda hangs up the phone. once faced with the silence of his car, tommy starts spiraling.

oh dear, don't be discouraged

i've been exactly where you are

i'll drive, i'll drive all night

i'll call your mom

i'll call your mom

“what if he isn’t breathing? what if i’m too late? i need to go faster. i need to get to him. why couldn’t i save him? i thought he was getting better. i should be better at reading people. what if-” tommy mutters to himself as he speeds through los angeles. 

then, tommy starts remembering how he was in the same scenario once. it was back before he left florida, and one of his only friends there called the ambulance and saved his life after he tried to take it. he was mad at the time, and unfortunately lost contact with her, but he still thanks her everyday. tommy now understands how she felt at the time - driving across town without knowing if they’re breathing.

his thoughts distracted him long enough to make it to spencer’s apartment complex in record time. he jumps out of the car as an ambulance from the station a few blocks away pulls up. 

together, they run up the stairs to the fourth floor to find a door slightly ajar with a phone thrown on the ground just inside of it. amanda’s phone. her sobs can be heard echoing through the small apartment, coming from the main bedroom. 

tommy takes off running, not bothering to take off his shoes like normal, and is faster than the paramedics. he hates the sight he finds.

spencer is laying on the floor near his dresser on his side. a broken bottle of pesticide is resting near his left arm. he is foaming at the mouth and amanda’s sitting by his back, trying to get as much foam out of his mouth as possible. his arms and legs are covered in red, presumably blood from cuts that went a little too deep.

the paramedics rush past tommy, who stopped in the doorway at the sight of everything. they push the brunette woman away from the man in need and towards the doorway of the room. 

tommy embraces amanda, who has tears streaming down her face, mirroring his own. “i tried so hard to save him, tommy. i tried so hard,” amanda says in between sobs.

“he’s not gone, mandy. he’s still fighting. he’ll come back to us. he has to.”

spencer’s cat brushes up in between tommy and amanda’s legs, prompting the blond man to pick her up. you poor thing, tommy thinks. cleo meows, looking over tommy’s shoulder at the paramedics hovering over and around her father. amanda and tommy take a step back, but stay where they can see what’s going on.

after another minute or two, the paramedics load the man onto a stretcher and begin to exit the bedroom. “one of you can ride in the ambo if you want. we’re taking him to southern california hospital if you’d rather just meet us there. we can explain more on the way, but we gotta go fast,” the male paramedic said to the pair of scared comedians.

with a quick glance at one another, it was decided that tommy would ride in the ambulance. amanda would take cleo and drop her off with h on the way to the hospital. amanda would also call ian to fill him in while transporting cleo, despite the fact that it is eleven fifty on a sunday night. she sent texts to a few other people, spencer’s closest friends, to have them meet at the hospital. while she knows that spencer will want to keep this quiet, his friends need to lean on each other at times like these.

waiting room, no place to stand

just greatest fears and wringing hands and the loudest silence

if you could see yourself like this

tommy is pacing back and forth in the waiting room and amanda is sitting in a chair that is facing the doors to the emergency room. the large automatic doors labeled “visitors” open revealing a frantic looking courtney and a worried shayne rushing in hand-in-hand. they let go of each other and each join one of the two people who found the gamer. 

“i’m scared, court,” tommy mutters into the shoulder of his friend who had embraced him in a tight hug. 

before courtney could respond, in rushes ian, kiana, and alex tran, the latter two likely carpooling. amanda and shayne rise from their seats and go to stand with the two friends hugging. the seven friends and coworkers huddle near a wall, wringing hands, and glancing at the door every few seconds.

if you could see yourself like this, you'd have never tried it

stayed on the line with you the entire night

until you told me that you had to go

“we saw him. well, amanda found him first after i called her. he- he texted me to say goodbye. i got there at the same time as the paramedics, but it was bad,” tommy explains, trying to keep emotion out of his voice. “thank you all for coming so quickly.”

they mutter small reassurances to each other. nobody’s sure how much time has passed, but everyone’s too scared to check. it would make it more real. 

the door swings open and a doctor enters the waiting room. “family of agnew, charles?” she calls out. tommy moves to the front of the group.

“that’s me. well, i- i’m his emergency contact, but-”

“all good. i’m dr. johnston, mr. agnew’s team leader. mr. agnew is stable, but unconscious. we have bandaged his lacerations, which, thankfully, should heal relatively easily. there will be scars left over as a result of the lacerations, but we have various options to minimize the scarring once healed. as for everything else,” the doctor trails off as she takes a look at the ipad in her hands. she clicks it a few times before continuing. “we were able to eradicate the majority of the poison from his system, however until he wakes up, we won’t be able to tell the extent of the damage done to his system. he will definitely be weak for a bit, and he will likely have muscle twitches, blurred vision, and chest discomfort among other symptoms when he wakes up that should only last a day or two. whoever reached him first did a great job at clearing his airway, as without that, he likely would have suffocated before we could have gotten to him.”

the people standing next to amanda, ian and courtney, rub her arm and give her side hugs of gratitude. 

“we can take one visitor back to go sit with him, if you would like,” the doctor offers. tommy turns to look at the others and amanda shoos him in the direction of the doctor, telling him nonverbally that he should be the one to go.

dr. johnston led tommy through the doors, past the desk in the center of the room, and towards a pod with a sign that says, “er six - agnew, spencer.” they enter and the doctor leads tommy to a bedside chair, and explains that if anything happens, press the red button on the wall next to the cot holding his spencer. she then leaves, leaving tommy with his thoughts and an unconscious body.

“spencey, you scared me so much. i need you to be okay because i can’t live without you. if you could see yourself like this, you'd have never tried it. i stayed on the line with you the entire night, until you told me that you had to go. i kept trying to call you, but it went straight to voicemail. don't let this darkness fool you. i sent you that over and over. all lights turned off can be turned on. i know you can make it. i need you to make it. i'll drive, i'll drive all night to get to you. i'll call your mom. by mom, i mean amanda, because you always joked that she was your mom,” tommy rambled, playing with spencer’s left hand in his own right hand. 

“ oh bub, don't be discouraged. i've been exactly where you are. i'll drive, i'll drive all night. i'll call your mom. i need you, spence. please come back to me. i’ve never been that scared in my entire life. i don’t know if i ever told you, but i’ve been in the same position before. i tried and failed. i’m so glad i failed because i never would have met you otherwise. please, spencey. i love you. please come back to me. i can’t live without you.”

medicate, meditate, swear your soul to jesus

throw a punch, fall in love, give yourself a reason

don't wanna drive another mile wondering if you're breathing

won't you stay, won't you stay, won't you stay with me?

medicate, meditate, swear your soul to jesus

throw a punch, fall in love, give yourself a reason

“i don't wanna drive another mile without knowing you're breathing, so won't you stay, won't you stay, won't you stay with me? please, i know i don’t pray but if there is a god somewhere out there, save my spencer. please, please save him. i need him to stay with me.”

don't let this darkness fool you

all lights turned off can be turned on

i'll drive, i'll drive all night

i'll call your mom

oh dear, don't be discouraged

i've been exactly where you are

i'll drive, i'll drive all night

i'll call your mom

i'll call your mom

“tommy?”