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It was a familiar setting.
The two of them in the same coffee shop, the same window seats, the same reason for being there.
Subaru had asked Saku if they could study together again, and of course, Saku said yes. How could he say no? Asking friends to study together was normal. So was agreeing to help them study. Nevermind the fact that Subaru could have totally asked Kaoruko instead, or have her join the two of them. Wouldn’t it be more efficient to have all three of them, anyway? Rintaro did mention that Kaoruko was the top scorer in their grade.
Seriously, how was Subaru always so damn casual? It made his heart quiver a bit when she asked him to study together again. He was supposed to suppress his feelings, lock his heart, yet everything she did threatened his security. He couldn’t just decline her request either—not like he wanted to, anyway. All he could do was act normal.
Saku was currently waiting for Subaru to solve a few problems. They were reviewing a tedious concept, one that involved time-consuming problems. Subaru was completely focused, pencil scribbling across the page. A few strands of hair fell, blocking his view of her face, and Saku fought the urge to reach out and tuck her hair back behind her ear.
Keep it together, man.
She then put her pencil down and slid the notebook over to Saku for him to check it.
“I’m not sure if this is right,” Subaru admitted, with a sheepish look on her face. “I had a bit of trouble with this part.”
Subaru pointed to the corresponding line of her work, but all Saku could focus on was the nude pink shade her nails were.
“Natsusawa-kun?”
Shit. “Sorry. Which part?”
“This one.” Subaru pointed again, and Saku avoided looking at her hand.
He quickly scanned the previous work leading up to the part Subaru had trouble with and noticed the error. It was so minuscule, and if left unchecked, could result in a final answer that was almost the same as the correct answer.
“Yeah, you made a mistake here.” Saku slid the notebook closer to Subaru so she could see, and continued talking. “You forgot to….”
Saku began explaining every step of the problem; he went over why each step was done and what came out of it. He scribbled his own work next to Subaru’s, circling the important parts and ensuring Subaru understood completely before moving on. He continued with his teaching for the subsequent problems Subaru did, and she nodded along.
Entirely unaware of his surroundings, Saku instinctively leaned in closer as he always did with Rintaro and the others, failing to notice Subaru leaning in as well, intently listening to him.
After a few minutes, they finished debriefing the set of problems. He turned to face Subaru.
“Alright—”
The rest of his words die in his throat as he is met with Subaru’s face, much closer than he expected.
Everything around him is unimportant, and time stands still. His eyes meet hers. He can clearly see her pupils. They’re such a lovely shade of green, he thinks. Saku stares dazedly at her, unable to pull away. He can count the eyelashes that adorn her pretty eyes. He notices how long they are, how luscious they are, and are they curled? He knows that sometimes girls curl their eyelashes; his sisters like to do that. He can’t help but continue to look. Her hair cascades down her face, nearly occluding her right eye. Damn, he really wants to tuck that strand of hair behind her ear. He takes in her entire face, and finally dares to sneak a peek at her lips.
“Natsusawa-kun?” Her voice is barely a whisper.
He is snapped back to reality. The glass shatters, the moment is gone. Shit. Shit. Shitshitshitshit—
Saku turns away, suddenly filled with shame. What did he just do? Why did he do that? His heart pounds against his chest. It rings so loud in his ears, he’s sure Subaru can hear it too. His face must be beet-red, he thinks. His cheeks were definitely burning. Can he die now? He needed to get ahold of himself.
He retreats to the safe haven of his folded arms on top of the desk, placing his head down.
Saku was avoiding her.
Subaru noticed it after White Day. Granted, everyone was busy as it was now their third year, but when she did hang out with Kaoruko and the rest, it felt like Saku had become more…restrained? Held back? It was odd.
It was very odd, and she didn’t like it. She found herself itching to speak to Saku, hell, even just stand next to him every time the entire group was together, but it wasn’t as easy as before.
So she had asked him to study together again, a way to isolate him. She supposed she could use the extra studying, anyway.
But then…
It happened so fast.
Subaru didn’t realize how close they were, not until it happened.
Saku’s face was only several centimeters away, catching her off guard. The sudden proximity drowned out everything else around her, and she could only focus on Saku.
She was no stranger to the fact that Saku was attractive. Despite his gloomy aura, girls were always looking at him. Even today, when he was walking towards their meeting spot, she noticed a couple of girls pointing and staring.
But now—with this newfound view, Subaru could truly appreciate the handsomeness of his face. It was unfair, really, how perfectly balanced his features were.
His eyes dropped down to her lips. Her heart stuttered. Suddenly, she was all too aware of how close they were, and how damn pretty Saku was, and wasn’t he saying something earlier?
She broke the silence, and now Saku had his head buried in his arms. It was a bit cute, she thought.
But back to the issue at hand. Subaru’s heart still raced, a strange, new sensation for her. And wasn’t it common knowledge that Saku was attractive? Why was that fact throwing her off now?
“I’m sorry, Hoshina-san,” Saku finally spoke. But why was he apologizing? There was nothing to apologize for.
“No…you’re fine…” she replied. “You don’t need to apologize.”
His head was still down. She wanted to see his face again.
“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
No, that’s not what happened…
“You didn’t make me uncomfortable.”
The two of them sat in silence once again, their initial purpose of studying together forgotten.
Saku still had his head in his arms. Subaru fiddled with her fingers, deep in thought again.
What was that all about? For some reason, she wasn’t able to look away. His face flooded her mind and her cheeks suddenly burned. He’s my friend. Why does it feel so different with him?
Her thinking was interrupted by the arrival of her order, a chocolate mochi donut. The noise got Saku’s attention and he finally lifted his head from his arms.
“That looks good,” Saku commented.
“Ah, yeah.” Subaru took a bite of her donut to distract herself from staring too hard at Saku’s face. “It is good.”
Things seemed to have gotten back to normal. Whatever that was, now left behind. A strange interaction—finally an interaction—with Saku.
However, the air was still charged with the electricity from before. She felt tense, like anything she did would cause Saku to turn away again, and her to feel shaky. Shaky, yes, but not unpleasant. It was strange. Very strange.
“Let’s continue studying,” Subaru said, having finished the donut.
Saku nodded. “Let’s do that.”
They fell back into the routine from before the incident, but something was different. Saku deliberately stayed still, not leaning in like he usually did when he started writing on her paper. His work, once in neat, straight lines next to her own work, was now crooked and slightly sloppy.
And contrary to what he apologized for earlier, it seemed like he was the one uncomfortable, not her.
“I can’t read what you’re writing,” Subaru pointed out, trying to make out what his slanted words and messy strokes said.
Saku stopped moving his pencil and took a look at his writing next to hers.
“Sorry. Can I just—” Saku pulled the notebook, which was placed between them, all the way to his side of the table. “Let me just take your notebook real quick.”
Subaru frowned upon seeing Saku’s actions. He wasn’t even facing her. He was withdrawing into himself, pulling away, creating distance between them, and a tiny crack formed on her heart.
Weren’t they considerably close already? Why was he suddenly acting like they hadn’t been friends for practically a year?
If it wasn’t apparent already, it was painfully obvious that Saku was creating space between them. He was being considerate, even, given what had happened only minutes earlier. He was always considerate. Saku never failed to look out for her, something Subaru appreciated greatly.
But right now, Saku was being too considerate. Too considerate to the point where it felt like he was pushing her away.
“You did great on this part, but over here, there’s something you have to watch out for,” Saku began, sliding her notebook all the way back to her.
Saku continued on with whatever he was saying, but Subaru wasn’t paying attention. She focused on the way Saku lifted his hands from her notebook immediately and how he folded them into his arms, carefully maintaining the distance between the two of them. How stiff he was acting around her, and how constrained he seemed to be. The friendly atmosphere that was going on earlier was nowhere to be found.
Subaru didn’t like that.
“And that’s basically it. You got it?” Saku asked. “Hoshina-san?”
“Ah—” Subaru hastily looked over Natsusawa’s scrawl. She did not hear a single word. “Yeah.”
“Okay. Good. Is there anything else you want to work on?”
Yes, there probably were other topics the two of them could go over, but that wasn’t super important to Subaru right now. There was a question she wanted to ask, one that had been bubbling up inside her for months; a nagging suspicion she had since White Day.
There’s something bothering you, Natsusawa-kun, and it has to do with me. Why are you avoiding me?
“Don’t run away, Natsusawa-kun,” Subaru blurted out instead of the question in her mind.
Saku’s eyes slightly widened in shock and he sat up straighter.
“What?”
“You’ve been acting differently. You’re avoiding me. I don’t know if it’s because of something I did, but can you at least tell me? I don’t want you to pull away.”
Subaru held a fierce gaze on Saku and waited for him to answer. She was dimly aware of the badum badum that rang in her chest, and maybe she’d end up horribly embarrassing herself after finding out she had indeed done something to stir Saku away without realizing, but what mattered more was that she got the question out. She needed to know.
Color rose in Saku’s cheeks, and he began to turn away. Feeling bold, Subaru placed a hand on his arm. She didn’t want Saku to slip out of her reach, and perhaps she’d ground him. Physically. Or maybe she just wanted to hold his arm, for whatever reason that could be.
“I just want to know what’s up with you, Natsusawa-kun. I’d appreciate it if you shared your thoughts.”
“You’ve got it wrong, Hoshina-san, I—”
“So you haven’t been avoiding me? Are you sure about that?”
“No! Not that part, I meant that you haven’t done anything wrong! You’re perfectly fine. You’ve always been great to me, Hoshina-san.”
For some reason, the badum badum in Subaru’s chest grew stronger upon hearing Saku’s last two sentences. But the question was still largely unanswered.
“Then—Then what is it?” Subaru pressed, cringing at how her voice trembled. She tightened her hold on Saku’s arm, more as a way to steady herself rather than garner any reassuring effect on him.
“It’s not that you did anything…it’s more like…” Saku said, face still turned away. Subaru couldn’t pick up the last part of what he said; his voice dropped in volume and confidence halfway through.
“What did you say?”
Saku finally faced her and sighed.
“I’m sorry, Hoshina-san. I admit I’ve been distant lately. You did absolutely nothing wrong, I swear. It’s just…how do I put this?” Saku fidgeted with one of his pencils, tapping it repeatedly. He put the pencil down and placed his elbow on the table, chin on palm, and glanced out the window. “Ah…My heart feels like it’s about to burst around you. I’ve been trying to…calm it down.”
“What?”
Saku’s cheeks bloomed in color, and Subaru tried to understand his words. His…heart? Was there really a problem with that, though? Every time she was by his side, her heart felt full. His presence always put her at ease and made her happy. By just simply being with her, Subaru’s day would instantly get better.
Saku seemed to carefully contemplate what he was going to say next, then he sat up straighter and stared at her with a vaguely apprehensive look on his face.
“You don’t know the effect you have on me, do you?”
“I…what are you talking about?”
Saku smiled ever so slightly and relaxed completely.
“I’m sorry. I’ve been acting strange, and I won’t run anymore.”
Subaru was baffled by the sudden turn of the conversation. “It’s alright…I didn’t mean to pressure you.”
But you’re still running away…
“No, no, you’re fine. Do you still want to study?” Saku asked, gesturing to Subaru’s notebook.
Subaru didn’t know how to feel about what had just happened. Saku’s stiffness from earlier had completely disappeared, which Subaru was happy about, but he didn’t completely answer her question. She knew she didn’t do anything in particular, yet his final answer puzzled her.
“If that’s alright with you,” Subaru responded, addled by thoughts of Saku’s words. She noticed her hand was still on Saku’s arm, and pulled it back, suddenly self-conscious about how she had been holding him the entire time. The shakiness from earlier came back and Subaru felt her face get slightly warm.
“You don’t know the effect you have on me, do you?”
Forget her having an effect on him. You seem to have an effect on me too, Natsusawa-kun…
Saku slumped on his bed, laying his head on his donut pillow. He closed his eyes and heaved a huge sigh, one loud enough that Mio yelled from her room asking if he was okay.
Saku yelled back that he was fine, then got up to shut his door completely. He returned to his bed and stared at the ceiling.
“God, I’m so freaking lame…”
Subaru’s hurt expression from when she asked why he was avoiding her flashed in his mind. He never intended to avoid her, but perhaps in his efforts to hide his feelings, he ended up distancing himself. How pathetic of him. He thought he fixed that terrible habit of his after reconciling with Hidaka, but today proved him wrong. To make matters worse, he was running away from Subaru. Subaru, the girl who always believed in him. The girl who proclaimed he was always honest and upfront with her, and he sure as hell wasn’t honest and upfront today.
Having feelings is a truly troublesome thing, Saku thought. I need to be more careful next time.
He laughed quietly to himself, at the irony of it all. Withholding his feelings in order not to trouble her, at the cost of it troubling him.