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The last night in the hospital wasn’t what he thought. Lightning had really wanted to visit that night. He had told himself all day that he would drive up to the hospital later. He had spent the entire day running around Radiator Springs working on all the simple things that were coming in the upcoming season. It had been a lot. He had put it off for such a long time due to Doc still being in the hospital. He had wanted to wait for his pit chief to recover before getting everything ready for the next season. It hadn’t felt right that day doing all the paperwork and watching Luigi and Guido work on his car without Doc beside him. For the past four years Doc had been right beside him through the entire process, joking along the way.
It had been lung cancer. Lightning had noticed the older man sleeping more and seeming more exhausted when he was awake. He had lost enough weight for Lightning to notice even a couple months ago. The cough had been persistent enough that Lightning had forced him to get checked out.
When the diagnosis had originally come back as lung cancer, Lightning had been terrified. He had just about worked himself into an anxiety attack. Doc had tried to calm him down. He had tried to tell him that they caught it early enough and that the odds were he would be okay. Lightning had been skeptical, but if he didn’t cling onto it, he would have lived all those days in fear.
Doc had laughed when he heard, saying that the old smoking habit had finally caught up with him. Said that Smokey was right about him being a dumb brat. Lightning had begged him to promise to never smoke again when he got better. Doc had said he would try. Lightning was satisfied enough with that.
While Doc was still just taking meds and living in his house, Lightning came downstairs more. He played chess with the older man at the kitchen table. He helped cook dinner every couple of nights, laughing at whatever stupid joke Doc had to tell him. He sat on the couch pressed up against the man and watched old documentaries, and when Lightning got bored of those, Doc would kindly stay with him when he turned on something about dinosaurs.
They went to the butte about every day until Doc was coughing too much to get all the way out there in the dust. Lightning told him it was okay. That they could just come back when he was better. Doc had smiled at him, assuring him that they would be back.
It was only two weeks after that when Doc had been too sick to stay in the house anymore. He was breaking out into coughing fits that left blood splattering his lips and mustache. The man’s chest would ache from the moment he woke up until the early hour he would retire back to bed. Lightning tried to help him with tea and heating pads, but the pain never really went away. It was when the man started having trouble breathing on his own that Lightning had finally put his foot down.
The hospital was about 30 minutes from Radiator Springs. For the first week, Lightning visited him every single day, talking with him about every single thing that he could. About how he slept and what Cal and Bobby were up to that day. Doc listened every single time.
The next couple of weeks, he only came every other day, or once every three days. He got busy with life back in Radiator Springs. The season was starting back up shortly and he needed to get all his paperwork done.
He should have known something was up when at each of his visits, Doc told him a story from his youth. Stories of Thomasville and running moonshine for an old tow truck driver named Smokey. Doc never talked about his past. He never talked about Thomasville. Lightning wished he had thought about it more as Doc laid back in the hospital bed, telling him about old racing stories.
It was a Tuesday. He had spent the entire morning working on paper work for the upcoming season. Medical forms, signatures, sponsorship deals. The amount of paperwork that he had to read had been exhausting. It made his head ache. By the time lunch came around, he didn’t have time to eat before Luigi and Guido were calling him over and asking him about The 95.
Lightning had spent until 7:00 that night in the shop with the two men. They had booked the cars up with new tires and a new engine for the new season. They had also added a couple additional parts that would make it even quicker, but still fit rules and regulations.
He had gotten a small bite to eat before Ramone was asking him about paint jobs. They had gone over design ideas until 8:30. Lightning was exhausted. He wanted nothing more than to go to bed, but he had promised Doc he would go see him tonight. It had been a couple days since he had been to the hospital and the man had been asking for him since yesterday.
By the time he had gotten home at 9, he was too tired. He sent Doc a quick apology text, promising he would be there tomorrow. He had plugged his phone in beside the bed and gone to sleep.
Paul Hudson passed at 11:14pm, Tuesday, February 17th.
Lightning had woken up with a phone call that had crashed his whole world down around him. Doc was gone. His mentor was dead. He hadn’t gotten to say goodbye. Or tell him he loved him one last time. He was just gone.
The first week hadn’t felt real. It couldn’t be real. He thought back on the last couple months all too much in that first week. He tried to think of the last time that Doc had been driving in the Hornet beside the 95. He couldn’t even remember the last time that they drove the butte together, which did make him cry pretty hard.
He didn’t think he would ever forgive himself for being too tired to see Doc that night. He would never forgive himself for the text that he sent. Doc had known he was dying. The nurses had told him that when he went to the hospital the next day. It had only broken his heart more than it already was. Doc had known that he was going to die and he didn’t tell any of them. He asked for Lightning to come, but didn’t tell him it was because it would be the last time.
And Lightning hadn’t come. Sally held him carefully as he sobbed into her arms. She cried into his blond hair as they tried to comfort each other from the death of someone they loved so dearly. The whole town seemed to be sad. Gray.
It had rained for one of the first times in months. Arizona hardly got any rain during the year, so it happening to rain now felt like some kind of mocking sign.
He hadn’t wanted to help plan the funeral. It hurt too much. He didn’t want to think about the fact he would never be shaken away by Doc again telling him it was time to practice. Or that he would never coach him through another race. Or how he would never make another dumb dad joke. Or hug him.
Lightning wished he had gotten one last hug. One last moment with the man. He hated himself for giving up his chance. Doc had died alone. He knew he was dying and when he asked for them, they didn’t come. He had died alone.
The funeral was nice. Lightning couldn’t bear to see the man in the open casket, so he didn’t look. He stood through the service, tears dripping out of his eyes the entire time, Sally’s hand clutched in his own. They had taken the body away to cremate after that.
Lightning knew that Doc wanted to be cremated for a while. The man always talked about how he didn’t want to take up any space after death. He didn’t want to be in a specific place or for his loved one to hold on to a grave and a lifeless body. He had told them to spread his ashes into the sand when he died.
Lightning remembered leaning into the man as Doc told him that that way, he would always be with him. He would be with him with every dust his car kicked up. He would be with him with every party that left them with dirty boots. He would always be there. He would always be with him.
It didn’t feel like he was here. Lightning was alone. The wheel well was about half a mile back. He had hiked up half the mountain, not paying any mind to the dangers that might come with it. Rattlesnakes and cougars were the least of his concerns right now.
The glass jar in his hands felt like it weighed thousands of pounds. The town had let him do it. They let him go to spread Doc’s ashes, and say goodbye to his old man one last time. The words had made Lightning sob.
Sheriff had quickly pulled him into a hug, telling him that he was there. Not that it was okay, but that they were all there for him. He needed to hear that more than that it would ‘be okay.’ Cause it wasn’t okay. Doc was dead. He was dead and Lightning would never see his face again. He would never hear his voice or laugh again.
His eyes burned as he lowered himself onto a rock. He found one with a smooth surface that wouldn’t irritate his backside. Tears dripped down his face and splashed onto the outside of the glass bottle. He looked at the gray ashes inside the jar. The ashes that had once been the body to the closest man he could call a father. This had been his body. This had been the man who held him as he slept. The man that had coached him through the tiebreaker race. All that was left was a jar of dust. Ashes.
Lightning sobbed, unable to hold back the grief. The sun was slowly setting over the mountains of Arizona. It was beautiful really. He loved it out here. The world seemed so much bigger when you could see so far out. The sun wasn’t just barely touching the edge of a tall rock formation he could see in the distance. His eyes flicked down to Radiator Springs. The town was lit beautifully. His home. Lightning sniffled.
“Thank you for making this place my home,” he said into the silence. He looked back down at the ashes, his hands shaking. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice breaking.
He wondered if Doc had been waiting for him that night. Waiting for his son in everything but blood to come through the door. Slowly watching his heart rate slow and realizing Lightning wasn’t going to be there. The blond’s chest shook.
“I’m sorry,” he sobbed again, head falling, “I’m sorry I didn’t come.” He wished he had been there to hold Doc’s hands through his last moments. That Doc could die loved, not alone. He choked around the lump in his throat. “Why didn’t you tell me you were dying?” he cried into the dusk, “You knew you were.” He wiped his eyes, knowing it was pointless. Only seconds later they were already wet again.
He missed him. He missed him so bad that he didn’t even know how to comprehend the loss. He wanted his crew chief back. He wanted his dad back. He sniffled again, biting his lip. He needed to stop crying. He needed to get this done before the rest of the town started worrying about him being out for so long.
He slowly opened the lid of the jar.
“I wish I was there.” Lightning whispered, “I wish I could have laid beside you as you told me one last story.” He was talking to no one. Lightning didn’t consider himself a highly religious man. He didn’t think about the idea of spirits or ghosts a lot. He hadn’t thought about the afterlife much until someone he cared about so dearly had moved onto it.
He could only pray to whatever was out there that Doc was resting now. That he was happy.
“I miss you so much,” he choked out, staring into the ashes. “I don’t know how I’m going to do any of this without you.” He heard a bush rustle in the wind around him.
“I can’t do this without you,” he sobbed, bringing the ashes to his chest as if he was giving him a hug. One last time. Tears slipped down his cheeks, dropping into the dust beneath him.
“I wanted you to be there when I married Sally,” he whispered, “she wanted you to walk her down the aisle, y'know?" The sun was starting to dip beneath the mountain. He could picture it in his mind. Waiting at the altar as Doc walked his beautiful fiancé down the aisle. It would never happen now. He choked on his breath.
“I love you so much,” he cried, “I don’t know if I told you that enough.” His eyes were starting to burn from the wind. He wished he could hug him one last time. Say he loved him one last time.
“Thank you for everything,” Lightning sobbed, tears streaming freely now. He pushed his body up off of the rock, knees shaking under his weight. The wind was blowing the opposite way of town. Lightning took a couple steps and crouched near the cliff edge that led off into the wilderness. He could see desert and mountains stretching for miles. The last rays of sunlight were glistening off the mountain edges, lighting them golden.
Lightning closed his eyes. He pictured all the times he’d spent laughing with Doc. All the times that he spent hugging the man. Jumping into his arms after winning the first piston cup. Doc ruffling his hair after he did something dumb for the 100th time. Watching Doc laugh with The King while he and Cal ran around like kids. Playing chess with the man or watching him play drinking games with Sarge and Sheriff. Every trick that Doc had taught him in racing. Every lap around the butte that he wouldn’t trade for the world. Even the nights in the hospital where he would just sit beside the man, his hand one Doc’s cooling one, listening to stories of racing from decades ago. Every moment.
He opened his eyes. The wind blew gently against his back. He looked at the jar. He carefully tipped it, watching the ashes catch the wind and blow into the canyon below him. They glowed golden in the glare of the sunlight. Lightning watched the ashes slowly disappear into the landscape around him. He wiped the tears that wet streaming down his cheeks, sobbing softly. He sniffled.
“Goodbye, dad.”