Chapter Text
Danny was whistling as he swung out of the Jeep and headed towards Chloe's school. He and Kara might not have gotten much sleep last night, but it had been worth it. For the first time since he arrived in St. Louis, or perhaps for the first time since he learned about the virus, Danny thought that everything might just work out. Things with Kara seemed to be back on track and, while there were still moments, Chloe seemed to be adjusting more and more to life here in St. Louis.
Or maybe he was just getting better at this substitute-parent thing.
This time when he took his spot near the school entrance, there were a few nods. Nobody approached him, but Danny now understood that it had nothing to do with either him or his uniform. The virus had impacted them in ways that he never would have imagined, and one of those ways was the slight suspicion of others that now seemed prevalent. Trust was more difficult when you had seen neighbor turn on neighbor over the last can of beans, just as helping a casual acquaintance felt much more dangerous when doing so might result in the death of your entire family.
"Hi Uncle Danny!" Chloe called, tripping down the steps.
Danny gave Mrs. Jenkins a wave as he took Chloe's hand. "How was Mimi's house?"
"Mimi let me stay up late and watch a movie. We had pizza and popcorn. I suggested that we play a game of chess but Mimi doesn't know how to play!" Chloe shook her head. "Can you believe that?"
Danny had no problem believing that Debbie did not play chess. He opened the door to the Jeep, tossing Chloe's backpack into the back seat. "I guess you'll have to teach her."
"That's a great idea!" Chloe replied, practically bouncing up and down. "Where did you and Aunt Kara go for dinner? What did you eat? Was it good? Aunt Kara sometimes takes me to The Hangout for lunch and Bacon always makes me macaroni and cheese just the way I like it."
Danny chuckled as he imagined Bacon making Chloe macaroni and cheese from a box, which she continued to insist was the best kind. "Slow down, Hi-Lo. Let me answer one at a time."
Chloe was still asking questions when they arrived at the house. As Danny leaned into the backseat to get her backpack, Chloe gasped. "I almost forgot! I made you a birthday card."
"Do you want me to look at it now or later?" Danny asked. He and Kara had deliberately planned their birthday celebration a week early so that they would be here, with Chloe, for Danny's actual birthday — which was also Zack's birthday obviously. But he wasn't sure yet how Chloe imagined that day going.
"Now!" Chloe pulled something out of her backpack. She grinned as Danny took the small book, clearly made out of folded paper. It was immediately evident that she had put a lot of work into each page, outlining the pictures with pencil and then coloring them in. Underneath each picture were the words Uncle Danny loves...
"I drew all of your favorite things!" Chloe explained, bouncing up and down. "There's Aunt Kara, and Halsey. And that's you in your uniform. Then I drew the Yankees, because you love them. Also, a bunch of green things, since green is your favorite color. We're the green Greens! Oh, and those are the people from Game of Thrones. Although I don't really know what they look like since I wasn't allowed to watch that show."
As Danny flipped through the pages, listening to Chloe's chatter, he felt himself growing colder and colder, until he was completely numb, the sense of contentment he had felt thirty minutes earlier gone as though it had never existed. There was a pause, and Danny glanced up to see Chloe looking at him expectantly. Her smile dimmed slightly. "Don't you like it?"
Danny thought about how much work Chloe put into this book, forcing himself to smile. "I love it. You're getting really good at drawing dogs, too. I'm super impressed by how you drew Halsey." He narrowed his eyes at her, before reaching forward and pretending to grab her nose. "Now the big question is where I should put it so everyone can see."
xxxxx
Danny was in the bathroom when he heard Kara come in. He quickly finished brushing his teeth, slipping into bed. Although they were supposed to have the day off, Kara had gone into the office for a few hours while he picked up Chloe, and had seemed exhausted when she got home.
"I saw the book that Chloe made you for your birthday," Kara said as she changed into her pajamas. She chuckled. "Kids are so funny. Imagine thinking that you actually liked the Yankees."
"It was Zack's favorite team." Danny heard the bitterness in his voice.
Kara turned towards him, studying him for a moment, before sitting on the edge of the bed. "Kids goof stuff like that up all the time, Danny. Remember when Chloe told Burk that my favorite drink was milk because that's what we always have in the refrigerator?"
Danny swallowed, wanting to believe that's all this was. But he knew better. "Zack loved the color green. He had a dozen green shirts and wore them all the time. He thought it was hysterical to be a Green in green. And Game of Thrones was his favorite show. He read all of the books. I've never even seen it. But Chloe thought that was me. She's forgetting him, Kara. Or," Danny swallowed, wondering if this was worse, "she's ... blending us. Turning us into one person."
Her hand settled on his, and Danny turned his palm until their fingers intertwined. "She's only nine, Danny, and he's been gone almost a year. That's a long time for a child. More than a tenth of her life."
A tenth of her life.
The words echoed in Danny's head. He had never thought about it that way. He had Zack for more than thirty-four years. He could reach sixty-eight and still have spent half of his life with his brother. Chloe would have spent the majority of her life as an orphan before she turned eighteen. By the time Chloe turned thirty-five, she would have lived longer than not just her sister but also both of her parents.
"The person she's describing in that book. It isn't me," Danny said, struggling to explain. "Zack, well, Zack was the one who did everything right. Got married, had kids, did his time in the Navy and then got a safe job back in Connecticut. I was the rebellious one. The one who was always in trouble for pulling pranks. The girls actually used to beg for Uncle Danny stories to make them laugh. And now..."
"And now?" Kara asked softly.
"I feel like I'm stealing his life," Danny admitted.
"You aren't stealing his life," Kara corrected. "You're creating a new one." When he didn't respond, Kara continued. "For what it's worth, the Danny that you're describing isn't the one that I know either — not even the guy I remember from the Arctic. Maybe it was you, back years ago. Or maybe you filled that role around your family because you could. You could be the fun uncle because you didn't need to be a parent. But it doesn't define you."
Danny's jaw tightened. "That book should have been for Zack."
"Yes," Kara said softly. "You're right. It should be Zack getting that book. And Chloe should be in Connecticut with Zack and Mandy and Evie right now. And we should be in Norfolk celebrating your birthday with Benz, Berchem, and Smith. None of this should have happened, Danny. None of it. But it did and all we can do now is pick up the pieces and move on the best that we can."
Danny's chest felt so tight that he could barely breathe. "Kara..."
But she wasn't done, her eyes glued to him. "You can't keep punishing yourself for surviving when Zack died, Danny. It's not fair to you or to Chloe."
"Not fair to Chloe?" Danny repeated, frowning at her.
Kara sighed, looking down at their hands, before meeting his eyes. "Chloe looks at you and sees you, Uncle Danny, not her father. Because you're the one who is here. But you look at Chloe and still see Zack's child. You need to start seeing her as just Chloe."
"You mean that I need to accept that Zack's dead," Danny said flatly.
He heard Kara's sharp intake of breath. "Yes."
"Because it's not fair to Chloe." Danny nodded. He understood that, even without Kara telling him. He wanted Chloe to be happy, not spending all of her time thinking about the family she lost.
"No Danny." When he looked up, Kara's eyes were teary. "I mean, yes, it's not fair to Chloe. But it's also not fair to you. You can't spend your life feeling guilty that you lived when your brother died. Or that you're now Chloe's dad instead of her uncle. Or even that you are no longer the person you became when you were around Zack. If you can't accept that, it will destroy you."
"That's who we are — who we were, Kara. Danny and Zack. Zack and Danny. Six of one and half of the other." He drew in a breath, his chest tight. "I don't know who I am without him."
Kara leaned forward to wrap her arms around him, and that's when Danny realized that he was crying. "You may not know, but I do. You've always just been Danny to me."
As his arms closed around Kara, Danny wondered if he could ever see himself that way.
Just Danny.