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It started off like any other afternoon: Kris and Susie, heading into the forest for some private quality time. Aimless small talk that evolved into flirting, and again into making out. The longer it went on for, the hotter and heavier it got. Then, Susie tackled Kris to the grass. They yelped, undignified, their usual low and mumbly voice rocketing in pitch the way it only did when they were caught off-guard.
Susie straddled Kris’ hips, pinned their hands above their head with one of her own—it was easy, when her palm eclipsed their bony wrists—and grinned down at them. They stared back at her with wide eyes, their freckled face flushed almost as red as their irises, while their chest heaved with every heated, trembling breath.
God, Kris was so cute. Susie wanted to devour them.
Instead, she lowered her head and nuzzled into the collar of their oversized hoodie. It gave way with little effort, allowing Susie to slide her teeth against the skin of Kris’ neck, inhale the sweet scent of apples mixed with their sweat. Kris turned their head to give Susie better access, shivering and whining softly underneath her. The sound arrowed right between Susie’s legs, and she throbbed in approval.
Susie switched to lapping at Kris with her tongue, long and slow, leaving behind reddish and sticky trails of her saliva across their skin. Kris gave her what she wanted—more needy whining, interspaced with breathy sighs and gasps—even as they sank their teeth into their lower lip to try and muffle the sounds escaping them. Susie’s grin widened.
She lowered her free hand to their stomach, readying to pull up their clothes, and that was when Kris began to mumble indistinctly under their breath. Gradually, it coalesced into something coherent: a single word, repeated over and over. “No,” they were saying, “no, no—”
They may as well have punched Susie in the gut. She reeled back onto her haunches, releasing Kris’ wrists and holding her hands up as she spluttered, “Okay, okay! I’m stopping, I’m stopping!”
Kris stared at her, eyes wide behind their hair. “Wh-what?” they murmured, slow and uncertain. “Why are you…”
“You said ‘no’! I stopped!” Susie exclaimed, still high on adrenaline. Her heart was pounding hard and fast in her chest, and it was no longer because of the physical excitement; it was almost painful, now. A cold dread was creeping over her, like rain soaked into the collar of her coat, as her brain raced to process the sudden turn of events.
Kris continued to stare blankly. “I…did?” they asked. Their right hand sunk to fall on their own chest, rising and falling in time with their quick, dissonant breaths. “I said that?”
“Yes, you did.” Susie knew for a fact she hadn’t imagined that, because Kris had never protested, before. She’d tripped them over, kicked their school desk chair to wake them from a nap, yanked on their sweet-smelling hair, shoved them against lockers, and not once had Kris said a word.
Kris’ eyes slid off Susie as they gazed up at the sky—no, rather, they weren’t gazing at anything at all. Their stare was unusually, creepily unfocused.
“But,” they mumbled, words mixing together like meltwater, “that doesn’t…I’ve never…why would I…”
Susie carefully lowered her arms to her sides, moving against the tension that’d worked its way into her fists, her jaw. She was edging closer to a horrible realization, and rather than face it head-on, she wanted to run. Only, she knew that even if she did, it’d stalk her from the shadows to pounce on her as soon as she thought she was safe.
Instead, she dismounted Kris to kneel in the grass beside their limp, supine form. “You okay, dude?” she asked, weak and hesitant. She felt stupid for asking—Kris was obviously not okay—but she didn’t know what else to do.
“That wasn’t me,” Kris went on, still looking off into space. “That couldn’t have been…”
Susie waved her hand in front of their face. This finally recaptured their attention: Kris’ eyes flicked over to her, and they blinked, once, twice, as if they’d only just realized she’d moved.
“Hey. Kris.” Susie picked up their left hand, lying within the blades of grass like a slain beast, with her own and squeezed it delicately. Their hands were so small in hers. So thin. Fragile. “You still here with me?”
Kris continued to stare, but eventually, their hand squeezed hers in return. Susie took that as a silent “yes”.
They swallowed, throat bobbing as they forced themself to speak. “You didn’t have to—” Kris broke eye contact, looking back up at the sky. “I didn’t think you’d actually stop,” they whispered, nearly inaudible.
Acidic heat spiked up Susie’s spine. She dug the claws of her right hand into her thigh, not caring if she tore the denim of her jeans further; she’d gladly sacrifice it to redirect the urge to crush Kris’ hand in her fist.
“Why wouldn’t I stop?” she snapped, unable to help herself. “What kind of person do you think I am?!”
Kris flinched, their brows lowering and mouth tightening. Susie’s chest panged, like a frozen needle had been slid between her ribs.
She sighed heavily, trying to shake off the tension in her body. “Look, Kris,” she began, doing her best to speak gently, if still rough and firm. “You say ‘no’ or ‘stop’ or anything like that, I’m gonna stop. Okay? I don’t—” It was pulling teeth to speak these words, but Susie had to say them. “I don’t wanna hurt you, dude,” she muttered. “Not any more.”
She regretted her past behavior more than she could express. The more time she spent with Kris, the more she got to know them as a person, the worse she felt about it. Susie didn’t know if any apology would sufficiently make up for how she’d treated them, before. Like they were just a thing. Some broken toy to be kicked around, and then tossed aside.
She hoped her words would provide Kris some relief, but their expression only tensed further. They looked…almost angry, now. That—that was probably fair, wasn’t it? Though, Kris had never been angry before. They’d only ever endured her bullying with an empty, worn look of resignation…
Whatever rage Susie felt was quickly dissipating, like wisps of white smoke, as a chasm cracked open inside her. Had Kris—had they actually been expecting her to take advantage of them? All this time? Every time she’d bared her fangs at them, and they’d shown their throat? Staring at her with dull, lightless eyes, silently goading her with the lack of response they’d known would only aggravate her further. Go on, they seemed to have been telling her. Get it over with.
Some part of her had already realized it, long ago, but only now did Susie finally put it into words, rather than shove it into a dark corner where she could ignore it. Kris had been hurt before. Seriously hurt. She wanted to grab them by the shoulders and demand who it’d been, so she could hunt that person—those people?—down and tear them to shreds with her bare hands. Show them the full force of a dragon’s wrath; the reason why dragons were apex predators at the top of the food chain.
She almost missed it when Kris mumbled, “Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize, you idiot,” Susie growled. “It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault.” It’s never been your fault. If there was anyone here that was at fault, after all, it was her.
Kris looked as if they begged to differ, but—to Susie’s relief—they said nothing more.
“Here, let’s just…sit up for a bit,” she suggested, gently tugging on Kris’ hand. She didn’t feel like continuing what they’d been doing, but neither did she think she should leave Kris alone, right now. Susie had seen the scars on their arms. She was still afraid to know how many of them were because of her.
Kris sat up; though, their movements as they let Susie guide them to settle next to her were still sluggish. They remained quiet, right hand held to their chest as if they were afraid their heart would suddenly stop beating, while Susie carefully swiped dirt from the back of their hoodie. She picked a little grass out of their mop of hair, too, with light claws.
Experimentally, tentatively, Susie rested her hand between Kris’ shoulder blades. She watched them carefully, straining her ears to catch another quiet rejection, but they still said nothing, nor did they move.
“Is this okay?” she asked, at last. She needed the clarity, the confirmation. She couldn’t trust that Kris’ silence or stillness was affirmation, not when she couldn’t tell the difference between willing submission and learned helplessness.
Susie was only expecting a stiff gesture or a monosyllabic answer, so she was surprised when Kris shuffled closer, pressing themself into her side, and they rested their cheek against her shoulder. It relaxed her greatly, though. She slid her arm across to wrap it around Kris’ slim, bony shoulders, keeping them in place. It was as much of a hug as she was willing to give; the fluttery, bubbly feeling warming her chest would kill her if she gave in any more.
Kris’ eyes drooped shut, and they laced their fingers together in their lap, as if they were on the verge of falling asleep against her. The bags under their eyes were so dark and prominent, now. Susie had heard somewhere, though she didn’t know how true it was, that people could only fall asleep next to someone they felt safe with. Kris shouldn’t have been able to sleep beside Susie at all, but they had. They did. Some days they both ventured out here into the forest, Kris would lay their head in Susie’s lap and turn off like a light. What had Susie done to earn that? Their trust and comfort? And now, the ability for them to tell her “no”, consciously or not?
Susie didn’t know, but she knew one thing: Kris had finally protested, and she’d listened to them. Backed off, rather than kept going, letting her desires overtake reason. That was progress, if nothing else. Susie might never be able to apologize to Kris for what she’d done in the past, but she could make sure she didn’t hurt them again. She owed them that much.