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Mike plops down on the grass when he reaches the summit at Weathertop. Cerebro stands tall, sturdy, like the day it was built. A reminder that not everything has fallen apart. He’s been using it to reach out to El a lot. Not every day like he’d promised, but they write letters too. He hopes that El thinks he’s a good boyfriend. Being in a relationship is a lot more difficult than Mike thought it would be. He’s not always been the best but he’s trying. It feels like he’s trying so hard. He just hopes it’s enough.
El responds back right away, like she always does. It’s a good thing, of course. It would really suck if he trudged all the way up here for nothing. But sometimes Mike wonders if El always being so available means that she’s giving up on better things she could be doing besides talking to him. El’s not a total wasteoid like Mike, she’s been making a lot of friends in California. Meanwhile, Mike feels like he’s just waiting around for Dustin or Lucas to not be busy all the time. To be honest, they’re not as close as they used to be, and it’s his own fault. But Mike’s got no one else. And Will never answers the fucking phone. But whatever. More time for Mike to talk to his amazing, superhero girlfriend. Is Mike keeping her away from hanging out with her friends, though? Then again, she always has a new story about something she did with her friends Angela and Stacy, so Mike’s probably worried about nothing.
“Things are really great here… in Lenora,” El is saying. There's a pause when Mike thinks her sentence is complete and she’s forgotten to say ‘over’ like he’d taught her, but then she continues. “But sometimes I do wish that I could go back to the beginning of last summer… Over.”
Mike swallows something bitter, wondering what she means by that. He should ask her. The thing is Mike desperately wishes the same thing, but if he could go back he would’ve done things a lot differently. For one, he wouldn’t have lied to El about his nana being sick, it seems so stupid now after everything that’s happened. But mostly, if he could go back… he would spend a lot less time making out with El and more time with his friends and with Will. He doesn’t think El would like it if he admitted that. Mike shakes his head at himself. El’s probably not thinking about how she wishes she could go back to the beginning of the summer just so they could have long makeout sessions either. She’s probably wishing that she could be back in Hawkins in that brief period of time when they thought the gate was closed and things were safe, when El could hang out in the mall with Max and nothing bad happened, when Hopper was alive. Mike can be so damn self-centered sometimes.
“Me too,” Mike finally says. “Over.”
If there was more that either of them wanted to say about that, they chose not to go there. It’s for the best. After all, Mike thinks, why ruin a perfectly good conversation by bringing up depressing shit? El is doing her best to be happy, and she’s got real problems, actual trauma… so Mike should do the same.
El moves on to talking about her classes and Mike thinks he interjects at the appropriate points and does his best to seem interested. He is interested. It’s just that sometimes he doesn't know how to show it right. Sometimes Mike feels like he can’t do anything right.
When there’s a lull in their conversation, Mike takes a deep breath and asks the question that’s been on his mind this whole time. “Uh, is Will there? Over.”
“I’m not sure. Will…” El says, then she repeats it louder a few times like she’s calling for him, but it cuts out when she’s remembered to take her finger off the walkie when she’s not talking directly to Mike. There’s a long stretch of silence when Mike holds his breath and wonders if the connection is lost or if El got distracted by something else. Mike holds the walkie close to his heart, waiting. But it’s El’s voice that finally comes through. “He’s not here,” she says. “Over.”
“Oh, uh, where is he?”
“I do not know,” she says. “And you forgot to say ‘over’. Over.”
Mike rolls his eyes, it’s a good thing she can’t see him. He’s feeling really annoyed but it’s not El’s fault. It’s not Will’s fault either, if he’s honest.
It’s Mike’s fault that things are weird between them. Ever since that day, in the rain… If Mike could take one thing back it would be the words he said to Will.
“It’s just… I tried calling...” Every day, Mike doesn’t say out loud. “But I couldn’t get through. Over.”
“Oh,” El says. “Well, Mrs. Byers is on the phone a lot. It is for her job. Over.”
“Right, yeah.” Mike knows that but phones work both ways. “Well, can you tell Will to call me?... Over.”
“Okay. I will tell him when he gets home. Over.”
It seems like Will’s made new friends in Lenora, too. Mike knows he should be happy about that, he should want Will to be happy… and he does. But what if Will’s found a new best friend?
Mike just wants to fix things between them, but how can he do that if they never talk? Mike’s started writing letters to Will, but they all end up shoved under his mattress when he reads them back. There’s something about writing that just feels too exposing for Mike, like as soon as he puts the pen to the paper he finds himself writing words that feel too much, too needy, too weird. One of these days he’ll write Will a letter that he can actually send without wanting to immediately die after.
“Okay, well, bye Mike,” El says when Mike’s been quiet for a while. “Over.”
“Bye El. Talk to you soon. Over and out.”
Before Mike can turn off the radio though another transmission comes through. “Wait Mike,” there’s a pause and Mike can hear El take a breath before she says. “I love you… Over.”
It catches Mike so off guard that he just looks down at the walkie in his hand like it’s a bomb that’ll explode if he touches that button to speak. And he’s actually the worst boyfriend in the world because he doesn’t respond. Instead, he turns off Cerebro and hopes that El will believe him if he claims to not have heard her. But really he prays she just won’t bring it up. What the fuck is wrong with him?
“I’m such an asshole,” Mike says out loud to the air.
He cares so much about El and he’s going to end up losing her because he’s a shit boyfriend. Lucas probably wouldn’t have trouble telling Max that he loves her. Hell, even Dustin probably tells Suzie that he loves her all the time and they haven’t even known each other that long. So why can’t Mike just be normal about this?
Mike’s said it once before, though it just kind of came out in a moment of desperation. He’s not sure if he even meant it in that way. But just thinking about his relationship with El is driving him kind of crazy, and they do say that it makes you crazy, so he probably does love her in that way, right? Mike’s not sure, he’s just never been in love before. He just has to grow the fuck up and say it. Maybe next time.
He hopes El’s not too upset. He hopes she remembers to tell Will to call him.
Will doesn’t call him that night. Mike wakes up in a sour mood the next day, a Sunday. Mike’s mom tries to drag him to church along with his dad and Holly, but he pretends he’s got a big paper to write for school. He’s not sure she buys it but she lets it go. Nancy rushes out to her job, grabbing a piece of toast and saying she’s running late. Mike pushes some runny eggs around with his fork before asking to be excused to “get a start on that paper”.
Instead, Mike’s staring down at a different page. It’s blank except for two words:
Dear Will,
Mike’s not sure what he should write.
Why won’t you call me?
Why do you hate me?
Did you forget about me?
Mike crumbles up the paper and throws it in his wastebasket. He’s so dramatic sometimes. Maybe El just forgot to talk to Will. Or maybe she’s pissed off at Mike and didn’t tell him on purpose.
Or maybe Will never came home. Mike takes a sharp inhale at that thought. He knows Will’s older now, he can take care of himself. Besides, the gate is closed and Will is far away from Hawkins. He’s safe now. If he never came home last night, it’ll be because he’s stayed over at a friend’s house. Mike doesn’t much like that idea either, though it’s definitely preferable. But it makes him really miss his sleepovers with Will.
Well, at least Will staying over at a friend's house last night is a better option than the final possibility: that Will did come home last night, El did tell him that Mike asked him to call, and then he just… chose not to. Because he didn’t want to, or because he had better things to do, or because he’s still pissed off at Mike for their fight even though he pretended like things were okay the last time they spoke.
It feels like so long ago.
Mike grabs another blank sheet of paper and starts over:
Dear Will,
I can’t stop feeling like you’re mad at me. It’s okay if you are. I don’t blame you. I just wish you would talk to me. I wish I knew what you were thinking. I feel like I’m going crazy. Do you remember when we said we’d go crazy together? Well, guess I’m just going crazy alone these days. Hawkins just isn’t the same without you. I never thought I’d be starting high school without you. I miss you.
Sorry. All I ever do is whine and complain. How are you? I hope you’re liking Lenora as much as El is. I hope you’ve got plenty of new friends. But also, I kinda hope that you don’t like any of them as much as me. Sorry, I know I’m selfish.
Then again, I don’t even know if you like me at all anymore. I don’t know if I even like me.
I wish I could take back what I said to you that day, Will. I would’ve never fought with you at all, I would’ve played your campaign for real. It really was a cool campaign. I’m really sorry that I suck so much and ruined it. I feel like I ruin everything these days.
I’m probably ruining things with El but it’s just so hard. Ugh who knew having a girlfriend would be so difficult? Maybe you had the right idea by not being focused on girls. Are there any girls you like in Lenora? Sometimes it feels like when I focus too much on El, I end up losing you. Is that stupid? I wish I didn’t have to choose between my best friend and my girlfriend.
But I’d choose you.
You’re still my best friend, right?
I’m sorry.
Love,
Mike
Mike stops scribbling out the words and just shoves the letter under his mattress where the rest of his aborted feelings go to rot. He definitely won’t be sending that.
He groans as he lies back on his bed and throws the covers over himself. He didn’t sleep well last night. He hasn’t slept well in a long time, actually.
Every time Mike closes his eyes to try to sleep, he’s haunted by memories. Sometimes it’s the body, sometimes he’s falling and El isn’t there to save him, sometimes it’s Will’s eyes turned dark looking at Mike like he doesn’t know him.
But lately, it’s Will’s hazel eyes brimming with tears after Mike said those words he can never take back.
It’s not my fault you don’t like girls.
He’s still not really sure why he said that. He was just angry and confused. Mike hadn’t realized that Will was so upset about the party spending less time together. He would’ve noticed, if he hadn’t been so focused on El.
Mike’s sorry. He’s so fucking sorry. He’s never been more sorry about anything in his life. Sometimes he thinks the universe took Will away from him as some kind of cosmic punishment. It’s not fair. He never got to say he was sorry. He tried. But then everything happened.
Mike wonders if he’ll have to wait until Christmas when the Byers come to Hawkins to visit before he can properly apologize to Will. Maybe a phone call isn’t good enough anyway. Maybe writing it in a letter doesn’t mean as much. He wishes he could do something to show Will that he’s sorry, that he can be a good friend again, that he loves cares about him.
Mike jumps out of bed when the idea hits him. His body suddenly zapped with energy— electric and activating.
He throws on some clothes and runs into the garage to see if his dad has the right tools. Mike’s not even entirely sure what the right tools are or if he even knows how to use them, but how hard can it be?
Mike shoves a hammer, work gloves, and some nails he hopes are the right ones in his backpack and hops on his bike. He leaves a note telling his mom he went to the library to work on his paper.
It’s a lie, of course. Mike bikes across town into the woods near the Byers old house. For a moment as Mike rides past the house, he gets a stupid urge to knock on the door as if Will might answer. As if he’s not over a thousand miles away.
It’s weird seeing Castle Byers like this: half-standing, split open, abandoned. Will never told Mike what happened, but he knows. It’s his fault. This is physical proof of how Mike Wheeler destroys everything.
There isn’t really an entrance, or even a roof, anymore, but Mike still whispers the password as he steps inside. “Radagast.” Like Will might know if he broke the rules. He’s broken enough things as it is.
Mike gasps as he spots the ripped up photo and Will the Wise drawing on the ground. His heart clenches as he picks up the pieces trying to see if he could put these back together also. Mike shoves what he can find in his backpack, some pieces are missing like they’ve been blown away with the wind. He’ll keep looking later. Right now he’s got a mission and he needs to get started while it’s light out and he still has energy. He probably should’ve radioed Lucas and Dustin for help, but that feels wrong somehow. This feels like something he needs to do himself. Even if he’s got no clue what the fuck he’s doing.
Mike starts by inspecting the logs that are still standing, studying the way they’ve been placed and tied together. It’s just physics and a little bit of elbow grease, he tells himself. He can do this. Besides, it doesn’t have to get done today. He’ll come back as often as he needs to. It’s not like his dad would really miss his tools. All he does is sit in front of the TV all day.
Mike decides to gather up the broken logs, trying to determine which are still usable and if he’ll need to find more logs to be able to get it done.
It’s in this process that he comes across a thin log with a split in the middle. He’s about to push it towards the unusable pile when he notices a curious marking on it.
A heart carved into the wood, and nestled inside are the initials: M + W
Mike drops the log like it burns to touch and then immediately picks it back up like he can’t bear to lose it. He turns it over and back again as if the markings might change. As if maybe he’s made it all up in his mind.
Could it mean what he thinks it means? What he wants it to mean…
Mike shakes his head, dropping the log again. Stupid.
Why would it mean that? Will’s not… like that. And Mike has a girlfriend. And even if he didn’t he’s not…
It doesn’t mean anything. Lots of names start with M. And maybe Will found the log with the markings already on them, maybe he didn’t even notice when he and Jonathan used them. But then… where was this log before? Mike had been to Castle Byers plenty of times before and he’d never noticed it. Was he just not looking? Was it hidden?
Mike holds the log close to his heart, tracing the engraved letters like they might tell him something. First the W, then the M. Mirror images of each other. His hand lingers too long on the M, lost for a brief moment in a fantasy.
Does Will—
Mike shuts that thought down, shoving it deep inside the places he never lets anyone see. He can’t let anyone see. Not even himself.
Plenty of names start with M, Mike thinks to himself again. But if Will liked a girl, why wouldn’t he tell Mike and his other friends? … Unless, what if Will liked Max? That would explain why he’d been so upset. Maybe their dates to the movies with Lucas and Max had been pure torture for Will.
The thought makes Mike’s esophagus burn with a dark green bile. He remembers Will looking upset at the movies that one time, but when Mike had asked he’d been adamant that he was fine. Was Will thinking about Max then?
Mike throws the log back on the ground and wants to rip out the bark. He guesses Max is pretty. Lucas and Dustin sure both seemed to think so when she first moved here. To be honest, Mike never really understood why they were so obsessed with her before they ever even spoke two words to her. Does Will think she’s pretty?
Mike rubs at his face to find that it’s wet. He’s not sure when he started crying but suddenly he can’t stop. Sobs rack through him until his head hurts and his lungs are gasping for air.
The thought he’s tried to shove down pushes back up like a clogged toilet, flooding him with all the feelings he’s denied himself.
Mike wants Will to think he’s pretty.
Mike wants Will to like him… in that way.
Mike wants to be the M on that stupid fucking log, in that stupid fucking heart next to Will’s W.
If Mike’s really honest with himself, which he never is, he knows why he can’t tell El that he loves her. He tells himself he’s just never been in love before, that he doesn’t know what it’s supposed to feel like, but that’s a lie.
It’s the biggest fucking lie Mike’s ever told himself.
Because being in love feels like whispered secrets in the dark of their bedrooms, feels like holding his best friend’s hand before society told him he shouldn’t, it feels like hazel eyes that see him for who he is, like drawings which give colors a reason for existing. But being in love hurts like a call that never gets answered and letters that never find their home in the envelope. Being in love hurts like words left unsaid and words you can never take back.
For Mike Wheeler, being in love is a broken castle.
Because the love he feels is wrong.
Mike buries the castle inside him, where he prays these feelings will go back to sleep and maybe eventually they’ll die from lack of sustenance. But this love is a wretched creature, surviving in the darkest, coldest place within. A parasite with tendrils which wrap around his heart and suck his vital organs until he’s someone he no longer recognizes.
It’s too much. He has to kill it.
That day, Mike walks away from Castle Byers, leaving the wreck more scattered than he found it. He doesn’t go back the next day or the following. And he doesn’t call Will. Or answer the phone. Or his letters. He doesn’t ask El about him anymore.
Mike is going to kill this monster inside him even if he has to die with it.