Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Moonlight painted the country road. Ellie’s worn sneakers bounded along the yellow painted stripes. An hour ago, some headlights had passed by. She’d held her breath, praying quietly that they would keep driving: they had. She was only four. Well, four and a half. The black pavement held all forty pounds of her. She didn’t measure up to the occasional highway signs that she passed by.

Ellie’s little hands hung against the planet-decorated straps of her backpack; her thumbs rested on Venus. She didn’t know where she was walking to, especially at this hour of the night. Her near-toddler mind was too preoccupied with what she was running away from. 

Ellie found the shadows of what had been her bedroom an hour ago in the darkness of the night. Creeping footsteps, the sharp stench of her foster-father’s funny juice, a palm twice the side of her belly hanging over her bed joined by soft whispers. She’d kicked him between his legs and ran out the front door dressed in her pajamas and her school backpack; luckily enough, it held all she owned, because she’d only been in that house for two weeks.

Ellie hadn’t lasted a month in the home before that. 

The one before that, not a week. 

Maybe she just wasn’t meant to have a home. She hoped not. 

Ellie wasn’t old enough to know what she’d escaped tonight. She just knew it’d scared her, and she was glad that she was walking in the opposite direction now. This dark, lonely road wasn’t much better though. She was dwarfed by the street signs she passed, and by the street itself. The houses in Wyoming were miles in between. She was probably even more alone than she felt. 

The moon lit the silhouette of a farmhouse in the distance. 

Ellie’s eyes lit up. She tightened her palms around the embroidered patches of Mars, Venus, and Earth on the straps of her backpack and then quickened her pace as fast as her little legs could take her. The image of the house grew closer. 

It was an old farmhouse. Vines clung to the faded, wooden siding. A porch wrapped around it, the paint chipped. There was a large willow tree in the front yard. A tire swing hung from an especially large branch. Ellie’s thoughts were immediately consumed with how much she wanted to ride it. The night breeze brushed her bare arms, nudging her along. 

I’ym cold. 

There were no lights on inside the house, and no vehicles or other signs of life. It looked empty enough. Ellie bit on her bottom lip, thinking as hard as she could. I wanna go in. Her belly rumbled, supporting her choice. Maybe they have foud. She tiptoed up the old porch steps, hopeful. For anyone else, they would’ve broken, but she was only four: the planks weighed more than her. 

The front door was locked shut as Ellie approached, and sealed further behind a second screen door. With the first tug that she gave against the handle, they both swung open, like a breeze had come along and let her in. But it hadn’t. Her eyes shone. “... magik house,” She cooed in a whisper. 

Something inside the house seemed to shift, like an expression softening. 

The door shut gently behind Ellie, making her giggle. She panned her large eyes over the mudroom she now stood inside, as well as the kitchen and living room beyond it. “Helo?” Undisturbed dust smothered her surroundings. Old family photos hung on the walls, though they were glazed so well with dust that she couldn’t make out the faces, only the blurry form of a young girl, and sometimes a man beside her. 

It felt like something lived here. Still, the house was so empty, except for the four-and-a-half-year-old girl that now explored its kitchen. 

The cupboards were too tall for Ellie to reach. She fussed and rubbed her hands over her aching belly. Her doe eyes locked onto a chair waiting by the closeby kitchen table. She took five large steps and then wrapped her little palms around the wooden legs of the chair. She dragged it back to the kitchen with great effort. “... up,” She narrated softly as she climbed up the body of the chair. 

The house seemed to watch Ellie as she pried open one of the kitchen cabinets. She squinted and peered inside despite the low light. There were cans. She fussed, not realizing food waited inside. She snatched a bag of chips instead, and then scaled down the chair, satisfied. The house groaned. 

Ellie waddled through the kitchen to the living room, and then finally to the couch. She brushed her palms over the dusty cushions before climbing atop them. Her bags of chips waited in her lap, half the size of her. They tasted stale, but she didn’t have anything else. She tried to make herself believe they were tasty. 

Something started hissing from the kitchen. 

Ellie’s eyes lifted. She sprawled over atop the couch to see into the kitchen again. Something was cooking on the stove. She tilted her head. Her belly rumbled at the sudden, steaming aroma filling the first floor of the house. An empty can waited beside the stove; its contents cooked in a skillet pan. “Helo?” She cooed again. No one responded. 

Ellie hopped down from the couch. As she waddled towards the kitchen, her eyes caught a brief glimpse of a man, and she stopped. His hair was dark brown and teased with silver edges, making him appear in his forties or so. His eyes were dark, but gentle, and focused on the brewing meal beneath him. He glanced her way. As soon as their eyes met, he was gone, like she’d blinked, having never seen him in the first place. 

But she had. 

She was sure she had. 

Ellie stared, curious. “Helo?” She waddled through the kitchen. Small, grubby hands reached out for the empty space where she’d seen the man. She hoped to find a leg to hug onto, but all she got was air. “Wereyd you go?” She fussed, disappointed. 

A phantom pair of eyes watched on softly as Ellie toddler-stomped through the rest of the house in her search. She climbed up the staircase to the rest of the house, scaling each step like a mountain. A hallway waited at the top of the steps. Four doors stared back at her. One had flowers on it. She cooed, and tiptoed closer. 

The door was ajar when Ellie approached it, though as soon as her little hand stretched up towards the knob, it slammed shut in her face. The rattle spooked her, and she jumped back. Tears immediately began to billow in her eyes, and she whimpered, beginning to cry like any toddler would. 

Another door down the hallway whined suddenly as it opened, like the house was in a mad scramble to soothe the tears spilling down Ellie’s freckled little cheeks. She brushed her sleeve across her nose, sniffling, and then waddled forward, exploring the new bedroom. It looked like it had been a man’s. 

The walls were painted a soft, warm brown, which matched the oak bedside dressers. Unlike the rest of the house, there were fingerprints drawn into the dusty furniture. Ellie fit her hand into a palmprint waiting on one of the drawers. Her little hand was swallowed by the silhouette. She cooed. 

The room’s bed was unmade. Its blankets were a deep, forest green. A coffee-colored throw blanket laid disturbed atop it. Ellie’s eyes shone at the sight of the blanket. She’d abandoned her own when she ran. She pried open one of the dresser drawers and rested a foot atop it, then managed to climb onto the bed with the added leverage. She bounced atop the mattress when she landed, giggling. 

Ellie’s little fingers grabbed at the warm brown throw blanket at the end of the bed. She wrapped herself in it like a burrito, and squirmed inside the warmth. A smile spanned her face, and she giggled. Curious, her focus wandered back to the drawer she’d opened. She leaned forward and tilted her head at what she found inside. 

There was a revolver inside the drawer. Ellie’s toddler-brain recognized it as a toy. She freed one of her arms from her blanket-burrito and wrapped her fingers around the handle of the gun. It was heavy in her grip. She struggled with the weight but managed to bring it closer to herself. She didn’t know to be careful about where it pointed. She turned the gun over, preparing to stare right down the barrel. 

“Put that down.” 

Ellie’s eyes soared. A man stood in the doorway, the same man she’d seen in the kitchen. She pointed her finger at him in recognition. His eyes crinkled, though mainly he was focused on the revolver in her little hands, its tip pointed against her belly. “Helwo.” 

The man stepped closer. Ellie watched him behind curious eyes. “Put that down,” He repeated gently, bowing his eyes towards the gun in her hands. “Now,” He added, maintaining his even tone. He watched her from the edge of the bed. 

Ellie’s eyes traveled down to the revolver. “Yeah, that gun,” The man narrated. “Put it back where you found it.” That order was too complicated. She furrowed her brow, confused. “The drawer,” He corrected. “Put it back in the drawer now.” 

“Ookey,” Ellie cooed. With great effort, she lifted the gun in her hands and then let it sink into the drawer. The man sank, too. He hid his hands inside his pockets. In the absence of the gun, her attention settled on him. The man took a step back when she crawled closer. She peered up at him from the edge of his bed. He returned her gaze. “I’ym Ellie.” She waited. 

The man’s breath waited inside his chest. His eyes were sad against Ellie’s face. Mournful. “Whatz your nayme?” She pressed, pouting. 

“Joel,” The word was pulled out of the man’s chest before he could stop himself. This kid was so cute. He couldn’t say no to her, just like he’d never been good at saying no to his own toddler. She stuck her hand out to shake. He tried a smile, but didn’t move. “I’m not any good at handshakes,” He lied.

Ellie’s face softened. “Oh. That’s oh-kay,” She comforted, thinking Joel was anxious. He felt his phantom heart shift. “I’ym Ellie,” She repeated. She pointed again. “You’re Joel.” 

“I am,” Joel didn’t let his lips curl. He lowered himself down to Ellie’s height atop the bed, and met her doe eyes, across from his own. “Where’s your mama, Ellie?” Her brows furrowed, like she didn’t know what that word meant. “Your mom? Mommy?” She still didn’t understand. “What about your daddy? Where’s he?” 

Ellie stared up at Joel like she’d never heard those labels in her whole life, however short it was. His features softened. “Who takes care of you?” She pressed her finger against her own chest. “You?” Her chin bobbed in confirmation. He frowned. “How old are you?” 

Ellie counted on her fingers. “I’ym foyur.” 

Joel’s heart sagged. “How did you get here tonight?” 

“I walkded,” Ellie answered loyally. She’d never had someone ask so many questions about her before. 

“You walked all by yourself?” Joel frowned again. His eyes were softer than he’d like against Ellie’s little face. “Do you know where you walked from?” 

“Ther… thur… um, Thurmopolice,” Ellie babbled. 

“Thermopolis?” Joel translated. He recognized the town name, a small dot on the land in Wyoming about twenty miles east. “You can’t have walked all that way by yourself,” He dismissed gently.

“I didt,” Ellie declared, offended by Joel’s doubt. She crossed her arms across her chest, very official-like. He watched her, entertained. “He chased me for a little, but I walkded awl by myself afftur that.” 

Joel’s brows furrowed. “He?” He echoed. “Who’s ‘he’?” 

“My fawster daddy,” Ellie replied. “He wohke me up.” Her face scrunched. Joel braced across from her, holding his breath suddenly. “Hiz hand wuz really big on my belly.” She planted her palm against her own stomach. His heart softened at how small she was.  “He smelt funny,” She remembered too. “He sed he thought I’yd have secks with him.” 

Joel felt his heart plummet into his stomach. Nausea filled the wrinkles in his face. This little girl was barely three feet tall. She didn’t even know the meaning behind her own words. His stomach churned. “Then you ran?” He pressed softly, managing to cover the disgust and rage building in his chest. 

“Uh huh,” Ellie bobbed her chin. “He smelt weird.” That seemed to be her chief complaint. Softness brewed in Joel’s eyes. “I’ym sorry,” He furrowed his brow, confused. “Your door opended for me,” She emphasized, promising. “I didint mean to brake in.”

A shallow huff left Joel’s nose. “The door opened for you,” He repeated calmly. “I know you didn’t break in, Ellie.” Delight pooled at the bottom of her eyes. He’d remembered her name. No one had ever remembered her name before. “How about you follow me downstairs, okay?” He was still conscious of the gun a foot from her grasp. 

Ellie sniffed the air. “Food,” She remembered, her belly growling at the delicious smell that was filling the house. Whatever had been cooking on the stove was done now. “I’ym hungry.” 

“I know,” Joel almost smiled. “C’mon down now.” 

Ellie freed herself from her blanket burrito, though her tiny fingers still dragged the fabric behind her as she scaled down the bed. It collected dust on the wooden floors. She reached up, trying to grasp Joel’s hand as he led her down the stairs, but he pulled it away just in time. She pouted, but continued to waddle behind him. 

The plate was already waiting on the kitchen table for Ellie when they made it downstairs. Silverware adjourned its place. A giggle fell from her lips. The sound melted Joel, despite how hard he tried not to let it. “Your house iz magik,” She confided as she climbed up onto the kitchen chair. 

The wrinkles beside Joel’s eyes crinkled with a shallow smile. He turned his eyes over as Ellie scarfed down the bowl of canned peaches, finding her backpack waiting on the couch. Embroidered planets lined the straps. She followed his eyes. “I liyke space,” She volunteered. 

“I can see that,” Joel answered. Ellie noticed that he didn’t sit down with her, or rest his hand on the table or anything like that. Her attention moved past it fast. She peered up at him, waiting. He recognized that look. “Well, what’s your favorite planet, then?” He gave in. 

Ellie lit up like a spark. “I liyke Mars,” She declared. “And the moon’s nawt reely a planit, but it’z my secund favrit.” Joel smiled despite himself. “What’z yourz?”

Joel smiled again. Don’t, he warned as he considered his answer. Don’t get attached. “Jupiter,” He shrugged. 

Ellie approved. A smile erupted over her face. Joel smiled back, smaller. Any chance at chaining his heart away from this toddler that had stumbled upon his house in the dead of night was disappearing fast. 

“Joel?” He hummed in acknowledgment. “Cayn… cayn I sleep over?” His heart melted. “I’yll leave,” Ellie promised after. “... but maybe when it’z nawt so dark out?” 

Joel never had a chance of telling Ellie no. Still, he pretended otherwise, and lingered a moment before he nodded. “Sure, Ellie.” He wasn’t going to cast a four year old back into the black night. It was a miracle she’d made it here at all without being run over or taken or worse; he ended that train of thought, he didn’t want to think about it. 

“... cayn I keep your blankie?” Ellie’s fingers tightened around the throw blanket she was still clinging onto. 

Again, Joel didn't stand a chance. “Sure, Ellie,” He granted again, amusing himself with the idea that she thought she had ‘his blankie’ in her hands. She balled the fabric in her little fist, content. 

Joel led Ellie back up the steps. Again, she grasped for his hand, but again he dodged it. She pouted once more, but trailed right after him like a duckling. The gun drawer was closed now. “How about that one?” He pointed to the drawer beneath it. She bobbed her head, and opened that one instead to climb onto the bed. “There you go.” 

Ellie held her palm up and waited expectantly. Joel just frowned. “You don’t liyke high-fives?” She thought aloud, remembering his hesitance with the handshake. 

Joel’s lips curled. “Exactly,” He praised. 

Ellie’s face lit up. She slumped back against the layer of pillows then, and burrito’d herself with her blankie again. Joel watched on with a fondness that he’d never claim. Her eyes wandered over the bed in an abrupt search for something. “What?” He nudged. 

“I lefted Blue,” Ellie lamented. 

Joel’s brow furrowed. “What’s that?” 

“Blue,” Ellie repeated, upset. “She’z a puppy. She’z mine.” 

Joel put two and two together. “Your stuffed animal?” 

Ellie bobbed her head. Tears started to billow in her large eyes, making Joel’s expression sag. He felt his heart move inside his chest. Fuck. “I hope my fawster daddy duzn’t hurt her.” 

Jesus Christ. 

Joel began a hunt over his own bedroom, desperate suddenly to fit a plushie into this little girl’s hands, though he already knew he wouldn’t find anything. Reluctantly, his eyes crossed the hallway and landed against the flower-painted door. Sarah. The little girl, burrito’d on his bed, continued to cry underneath him. His feet carried him past Sarah’s door. 

Something soft pushed into Ellie’s hands. Her sniffles paused, and she looked up. A plush giraffe stared back at her from the edge of the bed, meeting her gaze with dark, plastic eyes. Her heart immediately adopted him. Tears forgotten, she pulled him close to her chest, inviting him into her blanket-burrito.

Joel watched softly from the bedside. Sarah’s door hung in the corner of his gaze. Walk away, he ordered himself, feeling his heart shift as he watched Ellie cuddle with her new giraffe. Vanish. He couldn’t make himself do it. Don’t get attached. That was becoming impossible, if it wasn’t already. 

Ellie dozed off in Joel’s bed, wrapped in his blanket, snuggling Sarah’s plushie. He clawed down a breath, and then leaned down, drawing his other blanket over her tiny body. She snuggled under the added warmth, content. He watched over her until the sun rose.

Sunlight streamed in through the windows, slowly rousing Ellie. She picked her bed-head up from the pillows and relaxed underneath all the blankets. Her belly rumbled inside her cocoon. “... peaches,” She hungered, remembering last night’s dinner. 

Ellie wormed her way out of the blankets and scaled the bedside dresser. Her small, socked feet padded against the floors as she ventured downstairs. The house was quiet again. She trailed her eyes over each room, searching for Joel. Her giraffe joined her in her search, hanging from her grip by its hoof. “Joel?” 

I didint dream it, Ellie dismissed, squeezing the stuffed animal in her grip. Still, the house seemed so lifeless. With the sun up, all of the dust was much more obvious. Old photos hung on the wall. She stood on her tip-toes to try to see them. A man stared back at her. “Joel,” She grabbed up at his face. He looked younger. He looked happy. 

Joel still was nowhere to be found. 

Ellie fussed in disappointment, and then waddled to the couch where her backpack still laid. She dug inside and emerged with a scroll, tied closed with shiny red ribbon. She flattened it out over the kitchen table with tiny hands. It was a map, clearly handmade, clearly made by her or another toddler. Two names were scrawled at the bottom corner: 

Elly. 

Rylee. 

Bright red marker made up the general shape of Wyoming. There was a sticker in the top left corner, a gold star. Jaxun, someone had scrawled beside it. A bright blue line spanned from the bottom right corner to the middle. It looked like a path almost: Ellie’s. She dug out a purple marker from her backpack and then continued the line. 

Joul’s howse, Ellie added a label to the map. She let the marker hang over the page for a moment before randomly adding a dot to go along with it. “There,” She declared in a babble. Her mind wandered then, and she started to doodle.

Ellie felt someone watching over her shoulder as she began a crude drawing of a dinosaur in the corner of her map. She waited under the feeling, and then threw her eyes up, figuring she’d catch Joel, but the room was empty. “Mmph,” She fussed, and then returned to her drawing. 

“He leaved,” Ellie huffed as she colored in her dinosaur. “Every wun duz,” She reminded herself, annoyed she’d thought differently. The house seemed to shift in the wake of her words, like it’d sagged. She picked her head up, aware. “... helwo-”  

“What’re you drawin’?” 

Ellie jumped so hard that her marker flew. She whipped her head around and realized Joel, standing beside her in no rush, as if he’d been there the whole time. She gaped up at him. “Where’d yu come frum?” 

Joel managed to subdue the tug of his lips. “What’re you drawin’?” He repeated gently, lowering himself down to Ellie’s height. She continued to stare up at him. For once, her mind stuck to something, and she crossed her arms across her chest with a humph. “What?”

“You’re magik!” Ellie accused, casting her finger against Joel’s chest. She didn’t touch him though. She could see her finger pressing his shirt, but she didn’t feel anything, only air. Her eyes narrowed. 

“Ellie,” Joel backed away an inch, hoping to excuse his lack of matter. 

Ellie grasped after Joel. Her hand sailed right through his chest. He became fuzzy, still there, but like static. She touched air. Her face lit up. “Ellie-” 

“You’re a ghowst!” Ellie pieced it together surprisingly fast. Joel’s brows furrowed in an attempt to look confused, but she was sure.  “Take it!” She demanded, presenting another marker in her grip. 

“Ellie,” Joel began. 

“Grab it, Joel,” Ellie pressed the marker into his hand, but it sailed right through him like he was made of air. She gasped softly, delighted. A second later, she scaled down the kitchen chair. He watched her, his features bittersweet. He expected her to run out of the house, terrified; instead, she made herself as tall as she could, and then stole one of the family photos with him off the wall. 

“What’re you doin’?” Joel watched on, curious. 

“Nine… nineteen,” Ellie squinted at the label on the back of the frame. “Nineteen ninetey!” She held the photograph up like it was cold, hard evidence. “That was forever ago! You haveta be dead!”  

Joel actually chuckled.

“Don’t laf!” Ellie protested. Despite the excitement, she made sure to delicately put the photo right back where she’d found it. Joel’s heart squeezed. The rest of him was still busy smiling. 

“How old do you think I am?” Joel nudged. 

“At leest twenty!” Ellie declared. Joel laughed again, despite himself. She didn’t know the rareness of the sound. She only crossed her arms across her chest, feisty. “Whut?”

“Nothin’,” Joel chuckled one last time. He watched Ellie climb her way back into her seat. She’d accepted him being a ghost very fast. She was four. “What’s this you’ve got here?” He touched her paper with phantom fingers. 

“My map,” Ellie babbled. “My bestest friend made it.” She pointed down at the names in the corner. Elly and Rilee, Joel’s lips tugged. Neither of them had spelt their name right. “Rilee’s mommy lives there.” She pointed at the star on the map. Jaxun, its label read. “We wur gonna walk togethur. But now it’z just me.” 

Joel frowned. “Where’s Riley now?” 

“She's dead,” Ellie shrugged. Joel’s face fell. Immediately, he pictured some other four-year-old little girl like the one before him, dead. How little was her casket? His heart strained. “Do you know her?” He found Ellie’s eyes. “Do awl ghosts know each uhther? Cayn you tell her I say hi?” 

Joel’s features melted. “I will,” He lied. 

“Thank you,” Ellie gushed. Her face lit up. 

Joel’s throat closed. “You’re welcome,” He managed. “Now, what’re you drawin’?” 

Ellie smiled. “A dinosaur,” She continued to fill in her doodle. A purple, spiky trail protruded from her drawing. “It’z a T. Rex.” She looked up from the paper and eyed Joel’s gray hairs. “Did you evur meet a T. Rex?” 

Joel’s lips tugged. “No,” He admitted. 

Ellie deflated with disappointment. “Oh. Okey.” Her stomach growled under her space-themed shirt. “Can I have more peechiz?” 

“Okay,” Joel agreed. Ellie’s eyes trailed after him to the kitchen. When he reached for one of the cabinets, it opened, like it would for her. Her mouth fell open. He returned her gaze. “I can only move anythin’ that was in this house before I… ‘fore I was like this,” He explained calmly. 

“How do yu know?” 

“Believe me, I’ve gotten real familiar with the rules.” Joel opened the can of peaches in his grip. He poured the contents out onto the pot on the stove. It began to steam, no doubt offering some sweet smell. He couldn’t savor it. 

“How long ago wuz nineteen ninetey?” 

Joel’s lips tugged. “I didn’t die in nineteen ninety, Ellie,” He shushed. 

“When then?” Ellie pushed. Joel didn’t answer. The hissing of the peaches cooking atop the stove filled the sudden quiet inside the house. “You’re sad,” She realized, face flooding with guilt. “I’ym sorry.” 

“It’s okay," Joel soothed, the words leaving him before he could hold them back. “What’s your favorite dinosaur?” 

Ellie’s toddler brain managed to capture the sudden shift. She accepted it. “Anklee-o-sawrus,” She answered fast. Joel glanced over, amused. “I read they were good to their babies.” 

Joel’s heart squeezed. There was yearning in Ellie’s voice, even if she didn’t realize it. He wondered if this was the first time she’d run away all by herself. He suspected not. “How d’you know all this?” 

“I lyke to read,” Ellie’s lips tugged. “But I lefted awl my books with my fawster daddy.” She huffed, and pouted. “I don’t think hey’ll read ‘em.” 

Joel’s heart sank again as he remembered everything Ellie had told him the night before. He prayed for her foster-father’s sake that he didn’t try to follow her here. This house didn’t need another ghost to crowd it. “Here you go, kid.” She picked her eyes up from her drawing and lit up at the fresh plate of food that he set down before her. 

“Thank you,” Ellie cooed, her mouth already stuffed. “Yfur a gyood cook ffor a ghost.” 

Joel blinked away the softness in his eyes. “Don’t talk through your food, Ellie,” He lectured gently. She smiled again, surprised that he still remembered her name. Her bowl was already half empty. He felt like he’d taken in a stray cat. “You’ll choke like that.” 

“Iff I choke, will I be a ghowst too?” 

Joel’s heart skipped. “We ain’t gonna find out,” He answered calmly. Dread coiled around his chest with that image. He wouldn’t let anything happen to this little girl while she was in this house. He couldn’t. Not again. “Finish your food,” He tapped the table when she retreated from her plate, not yet empty. 

Ellie complied. Joel’s features softened. He’d have to offer Sarah the whole world to get her to finish her plate sometimes. On the other hand, it seemed like Ellie was a stranger to the concept of having someone stick around long enough to talk to her, so much so that she jumped when he asked her anything. “Joel?” 

“Mm,” Joel hummed in acknowledgment. He watched Ellie return to her doodles.

“Cayun I draw you?” Ellie cooed. 

Do not let that happen, Joel’s heart chanted. If that happened, he was a goner. There’d be nothing left between his heart and the little toddler gawking up at him. He pretended like there already wasn’t. “You don’t wanna draw me,” He shushed. “How… how ‘bout how about an ankylosaurus? You said that’s your favorite dinosaur, right?”  

“I did,” Ellie gushed, her face lighting up at the fact that Joel remembered. She set onto the paper. Her markers began the crude outline of an ankylosaurus. He watched softly. “I’ym reely happy you’re a ghowst, Joel.” 

Joel tried not to be offended by that. “How’s that?” He pushed, amusement waiting in his dark eyes. 

“‘Cauz now I cayn stay.” Before Joel could interrupt, Ellie began to explain why he might ever want her around. “I doyn’t know how lowng you’ve bin a ghowst. But I bet it’z lonely. So I can stey. So you woyn’t be awl by yourself.” 

Ellie’s doe eyes waited against Joel’s face. They looked sad, even if she didn’t realize. I’m awl by myself, they announced. His heart strained. 

“I cayn clean awl the dust,” Ellie added. She already had a prewritten list. Joel wondered how many grownups she’d performed it for. “And I’yll make you drawings.” She held her doodles up to his face. “Theyull make the house pretty. I promis.” 

Joel’s heart melted. “You can’t stay, Ellie,” He shushed. His tone hung with a fraction of the same disappointment that immediately washed over her face. Her lip puffed. “Don’t do that,” He begged softly. He couldn’t handle the puppy-dog eyes. Sarah’s had always ruined him too. 

“Why cayn’t I stay?” Ellie fussed. Her little hands found her giraffe plushie. She gripped it in her fist, squeezing any comfort out of it. “Pwease?” 

“I can’t take care of you, kid,” Joel managed. His voice came out soft, like an apology. “I can’t even breathe air.” His phantom eyes wandered over the house and the dust that blanketed it. His gaze hung on the family photos. “This house is a tomb. You can’t stay in it. I won’t let you.” 

Ellie put her hands on her hips. “Whadryugonnadoaboutit?” 

Joel’s lips tugged. “Ellie,” He lectured. “You’ve gotta go. I’m sorry.” 

Tears billowed again in Ellie’s eyes. Joel tried not to see her puffed lip. “Pwease don’t make me go bayuck on the rode, Joel.” Jesus Christ. A breath left his chest. “I liyke it here. Pwease.” She grasped for the end of his shirt, but her fingers sailed through him. He became fuzzy like static. 

“See, Ellie?” Joel backed away from her. “I can’t take care of you. So you’ve gotta go.” She pawed after him again, but he was out of reach now. She hid in her giraffe instead. Her nose tucked into his soft neck. “Kid,” He mourned. “Don’t cry.” She didn’t listen. A sniffle fled from her plushie. “Don’t. Don’t do that.” 

Ellie’s giraffe muffled her tears. Joel turned his eyes up to the chipped ceiling, searching for willpower there. Don’t, he lectured himself. Don’t. Don’t you dare. He prayed for the ability to turn his ears off. Don’t give in. She continued to cry underneath him. Fuck. 

“Okay,” Joel relinquished. “Okay, okay.” 

Ellie’s wet eyes darted up with near suspicious speed. “Ay can stay?” She sniffled. 

“Only until I find you someplace," Joel prefaced. “You hear me, Ellie?” She didn’t. All she heard was that she had a Joel, and a place, and a bed, and warm food. She’d never had all that before. “This ain’t permanent.” That word was too big for her.

Ellie’s face lit up with a smile. She stood up on the kitchen chair, steadying herself with the table like she was about to jump forward and tackle Joel with a hug. “Don’t.” He managed to stop her. 

Ellie giggled. 

He already had his hands full.

Chapter Text

Ellie kicked her little feet back and forth. She sat inside the tire-swing outside the farmhouse. An empty plate laid under the soles of her shoes, the crumbs of a long-gone sandwich dusted over the smooth paper. No one had ever made her lunch before. She’d always made it herself. And she’d slept in a real bed last night. Again.

Ellie smiled. 

A large willow tree shadowed the tire-swing, hiding Ellie’s pale, freckled face from the summer Wyoming sun. The wispy leaves bristled around her in the soft wind. The edge of Joel’s boots waited in her peripheral vision. “Joel?” She lifted her large eyes. 

Joel was watching the swing’s old rope,  frowning when it groaned: still a dad at heart, despite everything. “Mm,” He hummed. His voice seemed a little quieter beyond the confines of the house, like it was more of a strain to be here. 

“Why cayn’t you leeve?” Ellie cooed. Her little sneakers tickled the ends of the grass. Joel pushed the swing, and she giggled, and grabbed onto the rubber edges. She felt like an astronaut.

“I don’t know,” Joel admitted. “Reckon I’m stuck here.”

“Iz this where yu dyed?” The quiet settled over Ellie’s shoulders. A wince flashed over her face. “I’ym sawry.” 

“It’s okay," Joel shushed. He pushed the tire-swing again. The corresponding giggle settled in his chest. He considered it his turn to ask a question now. “Where’s your mama, Ellie?” He’d asked her that two nights ago. Maybe he’d get an answer now. 

“Whutz that?” 

Nope. 

“Your mommy,” Joel answered. Ellie turned her little head around on the swing and stared up at him like he had three heads. He gave up. “You really don’t got anybody takin’ care of you?” 

“I’yve got you,” Ellie’s brow furrowed. 

Joel felt his heart squeeze. “What about your foster daddy?” 

Ellie’s tiny shoulders drooped inside the confines of the swing. “I down’t wanna talk abowt him.” Her nose twitched at the memory of the long, dark hours she’d spent running away on the unfamiliar road just two days ago. She gripped the rubber tire, feeling her old sheets twisted around her and a hand creeping up her spine. 

“He smellded funny,” Ellie confessed, the usual chirp gone from her voice, replaced with a smallness.

Joel’s features softened. “How’d he smell?” He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know all of the details. But he was the only ear for miles for Ellie to talk to, and he’d be that, when she needed it, for however long this lasted. 

“Like the funny stuff grownups drink,” Ellie answered softly. 

A sigh fled from Joel’s lungs. He found a dark part of himself praying Ellie’s foster-father showed up here, just so he could drag that man down into whatever pit of hell he resided in. The rest of him was glad she was far, far away from that man. 

“But he wuzn’t the meanist.” 

Joel frowned. “Who was the meanest?” He nudged gently. 

Ellie kicked her feet back and forth as she thought it over. “My mommies and daddies liyke to lock me places sumtimez.” Joel stilled behind her. She kept kicking her feet, oblivious. “But I gueyss I’ym used to it now. So iyf yu do it, it’z okay.” 

Joel’s heart sagged. “I’m not gon’ do that to you, Ellie,” He shushed. 

“Oh, yeah,” Ellie babbled. “I gueyss yu cayn’t huwt me.” Her fingers passed through Joel’s phantom flesh. “That’z good.” 

Joel’s features melted again. How much had this literal toddler been through to think that the only reason he wouldn’t hurt her was because he physically couldn't? 

“Tell me somethin’ about dinosaurs,” Joel pushed. He wanted to see the spark in Ellie’s face return. She looked so glum now; too sad, for a face so small. 

Almost immediately, Ellie’s face lit up. The speed of the change, and her pure excitement, made Joel smile. “I red about brackyasawruses one time,” She confided. 

“Oh, really?” He entertained her. 

“Uh huh,” Ellie bobbed her head all the way up and down. “Their necks wur supur long. Like skyscrapers.” Joel let her talk. He had a feeling she’d never had anyone listen before. “I’yve nevur seen a skyscraper befor,” She moved on. “Iz thayt weird?” 

Joel’s lips tugged. “That ain’t weird,” He soothed. “I’ve never seen one either.” He offered a push of the swing. Ellie’s giggle rang out into the summer air. He tried not to let the sound become tattooed inside his heart, and failed. “I don’t think we’re missin’ out on much.” 

Ellie had never belonged to a ‘we’ before. Her smile grew. “I wanna fly, Joel,” She nudged suddenly. She kicked her feet underneath her. 

Joel’s lips tugged. He remembered similar requests from Sarah, her lifelong dream to go so far on the tire-swing that her daddy had made for her that she’d soar right over the tree. “No flyin’,” He denied. Ellie pouted atop the tire. 

“Cayn you fly?” 

Joel’s lips tugged. “No,” He denied. 

“Well, hayve you tryded?” 

Joel smiled again. “No,” He admitted. Ellie whipped around on the swing and eyed him. “Don’t give me that look,” He warned through a reluctant, pinching grin. “I ain’t tryin’ for you.” 

“But pwease?” Ellie’s fingers tugged against the swing’s worn rope. “‘Cause iff yu can fly, then you cood go to the moon, and bring me space rocks!” 

Joel almost chuckled, just barely managing to stop himself. “I can’t leave,” He denied gently. “Remember?” 

“Oh,” Ellie remembered, slouching. “Yeah.” She kicked her feet. “But it’z okey,” She comforted them both. “‘Cauz now I’ym here. And yu woyn’t be lonlee anymore.” 

Joel offered a gentle glance. “You ain’t stayin’, Ellie,” He reminded. He felt the words, like they were glass shards ripping their way up his lungs. He felt even worse when he saw the rawness spread over her little face. “Someone else is gon’ come and take you away soon. Find you a home.” 

“Oh,” Ellie murmured. Her tone was small, like the rest of her. “Yeah.” 

Joel felt his heart squeeze inside his chest. It’s the truth, he reminded himself. The first person that found this place, the first person he could trust with this precious little girl… she would be gone. And the house would be empty again, the rooms quiet. Pretending otherwise would just make it sting in the long run. 

She isn’t your kid. 

So why did it already feel like he was going to lose something? 

“Hey, c’mon,” Joel tried to nudge Ellie’s little shoulder, but his hand passed right through her. He’d forgotten for a second, looking at her, that he wasn’t alive. “The sun’s comin’ down. You know what that means?” 

Ellie perked up. “Wut?” 

“Means it’s bedtime,” Joel finished. 

The excitement left Ellie’s face, making his lips twitch. 

“C’mon.” 

She tried to hold his hand as they walked inside. He passed right through her. 

Joel watched over Ellie through another night in the house. When the sun fell, she curled up underneath the blankets of his bed, Sarah’s giraffe cradled in her little hands. On the third day, the dust on the furniture sent her into a sneezing fit, and he decided there was no other option but to baby-proof the house. 

Joel didn’t let himself think of how this was directly violating their temporary situation. 

Ellie sat criss-crossed on the kitchen floor. A soapy bucket of water waited beside her. A rag floated on the top. She giggled at the feeling of the foamy suds rising up to her elbows as she delved her hands inside. Joel waited above her with warm eyes. “Down’t spill,” She babbled, repeating his previous order as she slapped the soapy rag onto the dust-blanketed countertops. 

“That’s right,” Joel confirmed. It was a team effort. His phantom hands dragged a wet mop across the tile. Ellie’s little circle escaped his path. She scaled one of the kitchen chairs and brushed away any dust she could find on the countertops. “Good job,” He praised with a casual glance. Her heart snatched up those two little words; the meaning they bore shone in her eyes. 

Joel tried not to see it. This ain’t permanent, he chanted his own words. Still, the house soon looked like a home again, for the first time in twenty years. The dust was gone. Ellie had brushed out the dirt and leaves with a broom twice her size. His bed was hers now, and it was made, and decorated with the appropriate amount of stuffies and blankets. For the first time in twenty years, a little girl lived here. 

Joel tried not to think about it. The first person that finds here, he ordered himself. The first woman. A safe-looking adult that he could trust with Ellie for the few hours it’d take to get her to the closest town. Any family that looked at her would want to take her in. She’d have a real home. 

Until that moment, Ellie was Joel’s. And he was hers. 

That was why she was wearing Sarah’s overalls. 

The dirt and dust from the day smudged over Ellie’s face and hands. So, it was bathtime. She watched with wide, curious eyes as Joel poured something into the tub. A sea of bubbles joined the hot bath. She giggled, excited. His heart squeezed, despite himself. “How’s it feel?” He beckoned her over towards the water. 

The bubbles swallowed Ellie’s hand. “It’z hawt,” She exclaimed, giggling. 

“But it ain’t too hot?” Joel pressed. During bathtime with Sarah, he’d always check the tub, make sure it wasn’t too hot or too cold before he let her down. Now, he couldn’t feel the water anymore, couldn’t feel mostly anything. 

“No, it’z good,” Ellie chirped.

Joel smiled. “Okay. Why don’t you get on in then?” 

Ellie was dressed in one of Joel’s old t-shirts, that way he could watch over her and make sure she didn’t drown herself in the tub. That image was sour in his head. “Careful,” He nudged as she scaled over the porcelain edge like it was a mountain. She sank into the bubbly water after, already giggling. 

Joel’s lips tugged. “How’s it feel?” 

“Bubbles,” Ellie’s giggle ran out over the house. She scooped the foam in her tiny palms and then spread it over her face, imitating Joel’s beard. He let himself chuckle. The sound scared him after. “I wanna swim,” She lamented. 

“No swimmin’,” Joel denied gently, but seriously. The fact that he wouldn’t be able to reach out and actually pick Ellie up if he needed to hung fresh in his mind, and scared him almost as much as his own fondness. “I don’t want to see that face go under the water, alright?”

Ellie huffed. “Okey,” She agreed. “I doyn’t no how to swim enyway.” The information claimed a place in Joel’s head. “... bubbles,” She repeated, cooing to herself as she gathered more of them and sat them atop her own wet head. A giggle rang from the tub. He tried not to let his features soften the way they inevitably did. “‘M awl clean.” 

“Uh uh. Got twenty years of dust on those hands,” Joel pushed, making Ellie giggle. She lathered her little palms in the bubbles in response; the dirt and smudges washed away. “Hey,” Her chin perked up. “Want to see somethin’?” 

Ellie bobbed her chin. Curious eyes trailed after Joel as he dug something out of the bathroom’s closet. He returned with a box in his hands. When he turned it over, about twenty bath toys shared the tub with her. Her face lit up, followed by a soft gasp. 

“Joel,” Ellie squealed. His features softened. He watched her little hands move from toy to toy: first the small, plastic ship, then a little foam whale. She settled on a yellowed, plastic spaceship. It crashed through the bathwater in her hands. He watched her play with a reluctant fondness; each giggle settled across his face. “I’yve never had this menny toys before.” 

“Well, now you do,” Joel offered gently. Happiness swarmed Ellie’s face. 

Ellie took a set of plastic, letter magnets from the floating offering of toys. Elly read across the bathroom wall fast. Joel watched, bittersweet. He couldn’t count how many time Saruh had shared that same tile. 

“Thank yu,” Ellie gushed as she circled all the toys in her arms, pulling Joel from his thoughts. 

“You’re welcome, kid.” Joel noticed the blue shade starting to claim Ellie’s lips. “Let’s get you out of here now.” 

“But bubblez,” Ellie protested, grasping at the foam.

“Well, hey, if you wanna clean the cellar next, you could have another bath tomorr-” 

Ellie splashed in Joel’s direction. The water sailed right through him, but still he chuckled, interrupting his own sentence. “C’mon.” He fetched the towel hanging over the door, Sarah’s from when she was a toddler. Two plastic, beady eyes hung from the edge of the fabric hood. Puppy ears dangled on each side.

“Doggy,” Ellie grasped at the towel as Joel shrouded it around her shoulders. She clung onto the warm fabric, giggling at the fabric ears that fell beside her own. The hood shadowed her face, so much so that he could squint for a minute and see his own baby. His heart strained with the image. 

“C’mon,” Ellie’s eyes trailed after Joel as he left her alone in the bathroom. The smile on her face blinked. She waddled after him, a puddle silhouetting each of her lonely little steps. Wud I do? 

Bedtime chased bathtime. 

Ellie liked Joel’s t-shirt so much she didn’t want to take it off, even after she’d taken a bath in it, so he sacrificed another. It was soft and light blue with long sleeves that swallowed her arms. It fell on her like a dress. She craned her head over and struggled to read the back. “Mill… millur construcshun?” She found him. “What’z that?” 

“Construction,” Joel corrected. He bowed his eyes to the blankets, prompting Ellie to tug them up around herself. Her hair was still wet over her shoulders. He’d always braided Sarah’s hair after bathtime. His fingers would pass right through Ellie. 

“Iz that wut you did when you wur alive?” Ellie tiptoed. She snuggled underneath her blankie, formerly Joel’s, and settled on her bed, formerly his. “Construcshun?” 

“Contractin’,” Joel corrected. “My brother and I did it. Had our own shop.” 

“Contractin’,” Ellie repeated, accidentally mimicking Joel’s accent. Amusement lined his face. “Brothur?” 

Joel’s features softened as his baby brother’s face claimed his thoughts. His heart strained as he wondered what Tommy looked like now. Probably not much different, a little grayer maybe. He hoped he was happy. He’d visited the house a few times over the years, but Joel had never made his… presence known. 

Tommy had still talked to him every time. His eyes would always be foggy with guilt, and grief. A lump would fill his throat with the first glimpse of the farmhouse, the place of his family years ago. He’d hang on each of the family photos, tears blurring at the smallness of Sarah’s face, and then falling at the memory of his brother’s. 

Tommy would think he was better. Think he’d moved on, the only surviving member of their little tribe, and then he’d step into that house and be fighting sobs until he left. He’d worn a wedding band during his last visit. His final visit, it seemed. 

“... Maria says… she says I have to let you go now,” Tommy had croaked, speaking to his big brother, who’d looked after him since they were boys and whom he still thought of every damn day. “... ‘it ain’t healthy to be holding onto all this.’” 

Tommy had brushed his fingers over the dust of the walls, trying his hardest to steal the feeling of his niece’s palm one last time, or his brother’s. “Te quiero mucho, hermano. Espero que ambos estén juntos en alguna parte.” 

Joel’s heart sagged as that goodbye played between his ears. He cleared his throat of its sudden lump. Ellie was staring up at him, waiting for something. “What?” 

“Whutz hiz nayme?” Ellie repeated. 

“Tommy,” Joel granted. Tomasito. He couldn’t help the fondness that spilled over his face. In his heart, Tommy was his first kid. He’d raised him, accepted fist after fist from their father so that they never touched his little brother. “He’s, what… forty now?” His heart strained. 

Joel hadn’t made it past forty five. He was sure that deadline was hanging in Tommy’s heart, wherever he was now. 

“He’z old,” Ellie exclaimed, granting Joel a much needed chuckle. 

“He is,” Joel agreed, smiling like a vindictive older brother. A squeaky yawn escaped Ellie’s lips then, drawing his gentle brown eyes. “Sounds like it’s time for someone to go to bed now,” He drawled. 

“I’m nawt tired,” Ellie protested through another yawn. Joel raised his brow then, which made her giggle. She sank under the blankets in retreat. Sarah’s giraffe hid inside her small grip. “Joel?” 

“Mm,” Joel hummed, softening his tone and watching the way Ellie’s eyelids dipped in response. 

“Cayn… cayn you read me a story?” Joel’s heart melted. Immediately, dozens of nights filled his memories: a book shared between Sarah’s hand and his own, pages telling tales of dragons and princesses, her little face eventually settling against his chest. The silhouette of where she’d once cuddled felt blaringly empty. 

Ellie squirmed under the dragging quiet. “... Rylee sayd daddies read storys sumtimez before bed,” She tiptoed. 

That word threw Joel back into the present. “I ain’t your daddy, Ellie.” The dread from that label got the best of him. It was a cold, harsh reminder thrown Ellie’s way in a cold, harsh tone. The first glimpse of her little face immediately made him feel like an asshole, because he was. 

Ellie’s lip trembled. Still, she tried her best to blink away the sudden wetness in her eyes, because she didn’t want to be too much. Annoying. “... I’m sawry,” She attempted. 

“No, don’t… you don’t have to apologize, Ellie,” Joel spoke through the strain in his heart. His voice was soft, like it hadn’t been a moment ago. Ellie hid a sniffle in the belly of her giraffe. Christ. “I’ll go find a book right now,” He offered, desperate to wipe away the shine in her eyes. “Stay right here, okay, honey?” 

“... okey,” Ellie agreed, her voice muffled inside her plushie. 

Joel passed through the door like it was nothing and then disappeared behind the one with the flowers. When he returned, he carried options in his hands. “Look here,” He soothed, kneeling by Ellie’s bedside, where she was still curled up under her blankie, still clinging to her giraffe. She didn’t budge when he presented their potions, too afraid now of being too clingy. “Take your pick, honey,” He managed above his own loathing. 

Ellie smeared her wrist across her eyes, and then stared down at the three children’s books laid out on the bed. A black and white puppy claimed the first cover, eight monkeys the second. Her face lit up at the third, a little teddy bear with green overalls. 

“That one?” Joel read, pointing to the bear. Ellie bobbed her little head. “Okay.” He took up the edge of the bed. The mattress didn’t sink under his phantom weight. He parted the book. A friendly, small bear with a button missing waved from the first page. 

Ellie giggled down at the bear. Joel listened, and fucking loathed himself for all but raising his voice at the little girl whose fingers passed through him because she was trying to cuddle. “Jooel,” She whined, leading him back to the page. 

“Corduroy was a bear who once lived in the toy department of a big store,” Joel began softly. Ellie listened, delighted, though her eyes hung on the illustrations. “Day after day he waited with all the other animals and dolls for someone to come along and take him home, but no one ever seemed to want a small bear in green overalls.” 

Ellie saw herself in the little bear. She offered a knowing, kind glance. Joel saw. His heart strained in his chest. When he flipped the page, the bear was riding an escalator from his own department store, and waiting in front of another shop. 

“‘This must be a palace!’” Joel put a voice on for the bear, making Ellie giggle. “‘I guess I've always wanted to live in a palace.’” He flipped, and the bear was inside the store. Pastel furniture decorated his surroundings. “‘This must be a bed,’ he said. ‘I've always wanted to sleep in a bed.’ And up he crawled onto a large, thick mattress.” 

Ellie’s eyelids felt heavy. Joel watched the slow blink she gave, his heart inside his throat. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d told a bedtime story. He’d missed it. 

“‘Corduroy was just waking up when the first customers came into the store in the morning. And there, looking at him with a wide, warm smile, was the same little girl he'd seen only the day before.”

The description made Ellie think of Joel. She cuddled into him, mistaking the air she grasped for his shirt. “‘I’m Lisa,’” He put on another voice. “‘... and you're going to be my very own bear.’” Her eyes dipped, offering her a squinted view of the bear. He was in a house now.

“‘There was a chair and a chest of drawers, and alongside a girl-size bed stood a little bed just the right size for Corduroy,’” Joel continued to read. The bed felt heavier underneath him. Ellie was falling asleep. ‘‘This must be home,’ he said. ‘I know I've always wanted a home!’” 

I waynt a hoyme. 

“‘You must be a friend,’ said Corduroy.’” Joel’s voice was soft now. He watched Ellie’s eyelids sink in response. “‘I've always wanted a friend.’ ‘Me too!’ said Lisa, and gave him a big hug.’” Her fingers sailed through him as she finally fell asleep, a failed attempt to recreate the ending of her bedtime story. 

Joel’s eyes were gentle against Ellie’s little face as she slept. She looked so relaxed, like she felt so safe here, with him. 

But no one ever seemed to want a small bear in green overalls.

He didn’t understand why.

Chapter Text

“Joel?” Ellie’s voice hid under the bristle of the grass as she hopped around in her too-big rubber boots, hunting for a bunny they’d spotted almost an hour ago. Expired sunscreen painted her pale little face. The wheat fields sailed around the house.

“Mm,” Joel hummed, offering a lecturing glare when Ellie stuck her nose just above an ant-hill. 

“How lawng have you bin a ghowst?” Ellie asked about a million questions a day. Joel was slowly letting her ask more, even if she didn’t realize it. 

“Longer than you’ve been alive,” Joel answered confidently. 

“Well, duh,” Ellie giggled. Joel’s heart squeezed at the sound. “How much longur?” 

Joel pushed out a breath. “Twenty years,” He admitted. 

Ellie’s eyebrows flew to her forehead. “Twenty yearz?” She threw her arms out. “That’z forever!” She forgot the bunny she was hunting and waddled back to the porch step Joel was watching her from. “Wur you frends with dinosaurz?” Amusement clouded his face. “You can tell me,” She whispered. 

“I’ve got one little trike right across from me,” Joel returned. Ellie sat her hands on her hips. “She’s got a horn right here-” 

Ellie giggled before Joel’s fingers could vanish through her button nose. The sound bounced inside the walls of his heart. He swallowed, and tried and failed to ward it out. “When wur you bornded?” She plopped beside him on the step. 

“Nineteen eighty,” Joel admitted, a chuckle leaving his throat when he saw Ellie’s dropped jaw. “When were you born?” His shoulder passed through hers as he nudged her. 

“Two… two th,” Ellie sank, already admitting defeat. “Sumthin wif a two in it,” She shrugged. “My bestest frend, Rilee? She wuz born to a mommy. Isn’t that cooyl?” 

The wrinkles beside Joel’s eyes deepened. “You were born to a mommy, too, Ellie,” He shushed. 

“That’z not what Beffany sayd,” Ellie argued. 

“Bethany?” Joel translated. “Who’s that?” 

“She wuz my sistur fowr a little,” Ellie replied. “Ecsept our mommy and daddy wur really herz. I was juzt put theyur.” Joel felt his heart squeeze as he listened to her describe how she’d never belonged to anyone before. “She sed my mommy didint weally have me. She sed they cut me owt ewrly ‘cauze she wuz drinking funny juice when I was iyn her belly.” 

Joel’s heart sagged. He glanced over Ellie’s frame then. It made more sense now, how small she was. Sarah had been a premie too. That girl had his heart chained to all four pounds of her when she was born. She’d been the smallest thing he’d ever held, and also the most precious. 

… miss you. 

Like Ellie, Sarah’s mother had also been drinking during the pregnancy. She got one look at her little baby girl before the nurses took her away forever, and then her father and her uncle. He imagined Ellie’s mother got around just as much. He hoped. 

“It don’t matter how you came into the world, Ellie,” Joel soothed. She listened closely below him. “It took two people lovin’ each other to make you. It’s what made your hands, and your legs. Your eyelashes. You have that. Same as Bethany.”

“... but Beffany’s mommy and daddy loved hur,” Ellie pointed out. 

“Your mommy loved you too,” Joel shushed. “If she made you, she loved you.” 

Ellie wasn’t convinced. “How do yu know?” 

Sarah claimed Joel’s mind. He remembered how tiny she’d been the first time he’d held her. Her little hand could barely encompass one of his fingers. Soft wisps of hair had tickled her head. She’d been nothing more than a bundle cradled away against his bare chest. The most precious thing in the world. If he’d lived just to make her, that was okay. 

“‘Cause mommies and daddies love their babies.” 

Ellie watched the sadness on Joel’s face. It was new. “But how do yu know?” She pushed. 

Joel almost flinched. “‘Cause I do.” 

Quiet claimed the porch step. Ellie didn’t mind. She liked just sitting here with Joel. He was enough for her, and he could tell. 

Joel could tell that Ellie thought the world of him. It scared him, and made him feel alive for the first time in twenty years, all at the same time. 

It’s temporary. 

It’s temporary. 

Ellie didn’t tell Joel, but when she closed her eyes at night, she prayed no one ever found them, just in case God was real. Joel was the first grownup to never yell at her, or hit her. He couldn’t, but also he wouldn’t. She really liked it here. 

Giggles rang through the refurbished house. 

Joel tried not to feel the smile hanging on his face as he patrolled the first floor: the living room and the kitchen, the porch that wrapped around the house. Meanwhile, giggles sprang through the house, muffled through the floorboards. He’d learned over the last week that Ellie’s favorite game was hide and seek. 

Ellie bragged that she was best at hide and seek. Joel’s stomach would roll whenever he let his mind wander as to why that was; scenes of foster-parents and big grownups hunting for her while she hid made him feel nauseous. When she played with him, though, she had a blast. Her giggles gave her away every time. 

Joel didn’t have the heart to tell Ellie. Besides, he was too busy pretending every giggle didn’t sew itself to his heart. The trail of laughter led him up the steps. His eyes strayed while he passed Sarah’s door. Another volley of giggles drew him forward. A smile tugged over his face when he placed them to a door at the end of the hallway. 

Tommy’s old room. 

“Anyone up here?” Joel droned. A giggle emerged, muffled behind Tommy’s bedroom door. “Ellie?” She giggled again, having the damn time of her life. She’d never had a grownup who wanted to play with her before. He was so nice. 

“Yuyur nawt gonna find me,” Ellie’s little voice taunted from behind the door. 

Joel crossed his arms over his chest, easily making out her little silhouette hidden underneath the crack of the door. Soft amusement hung over his face, despite his best attempts. “Oh, is that right?” Her shoulders shook with an airy giggle. He settled his grip on the knob then, and met her eyes. 

“No,” Ellie planted her face in her knees, like if she couldn’t see Joel, he couldn’t see her. A smile curled over his lips, despite himself. She was curled up in a little ball in the doorframe of Tommy’s room. 

“Ellie,” The crack of Joel’s knees announced his descent to Ellie’s level. She peeked her face out of her knees. When she saw him smiling, she smiled too.

“Cayun we play agen?” Ellie moved on fast. She planted her hands on her little hips as she stood, determined. 

Joel’s heart clenched. Ellie always asked after every ‘round’ they finished, like he’d have gotten bored already and moved on. “We can,” He confirmed. She clapped her hands together, delighted. “You want me to hide?” 

A giggle claimed Ellie’s throat. “Yuu cayn just go innvizible,” She complained. “It’z nawt fair.” 

The wrinkles beside Joel’s eyes crinkled with a smile. “I suppose it ain’t,” He drawled. “How ‘bout you hide then?” 

Ellie was gone down the hallway before Joel finished asking. He chuckled, and then started after her after thirty seconds. 

The first floor was empty. 

Joel returned to the second floor. He peeked his head into his room, Ellie’s now, then again Tommy’s old room. The guest room and the bathroom. He didn’t bother with any of the small places. 

“My mommies and daddies liyke to lock me places sumtimez.” 

Ellie didn’t so much as tiptoe towards any confined spaces in the house. Joel double-checked the dust on Sarah’s door. 

The absence of giggles haunted the house. 

“Ellie?” 

Something brewed in Joel’s chest. A long dusted-over instinct, ‘daddy’s superpowers’ was what Sarah used to call them. His ability to instantly know when something was wrong.

 “Ellie,” Joel repeated, checking over all of the rooms with a hastier pace now. “Ellie, c’mon out now!” Silence smothered the house. He felt it choking him. “Kiddo?” Nothing. “Fuck,” He checked everything again, and then began to panic. 

 Tire-swing, Joel jumped, carrying himself outside on rushed feet. As soon as he stepped out the porch, his features settled, and then tensed again. He could see Ellie’s sneakers swinging atop the tire-swing tree. She was sitting on one of the branches, steadying herself only with the ridged wood underneath her fingers. 

Joel felt his hair gray in real time. “Ellie,” He rushed forward, swallowing down the sudden lump in his throat as he examined the ten or so feet between her and the ground. “How the hell did you even get up there?” 

“I climbded,” Ellie declared proudly. “Look how hiygh I aym!” 

“Yeah, I’m lookin’,” Joel choked. “Come on down. Right now.” 

Disappointment wedged over Ellie’s features. “Okey,” She retreated, glum. She swung her leg over the branch with a casual pace and stretched to reach for a knot in the tree. Joel felt his heart lurch. 

“Be careful,” Joel pleaded, watching every hair on Ellie’s head as she scooted off of the tree trunk and hung only from her grip on the tree. Toddlers, he chanted in his head. Sarah had put him through similar antics at this age. He’d barely survived then. Luckily, he didn't have to worry about having a heart attack now. Probably. 

“I’ym fiyn,” Ellie giggled at the rampant worry in Joel’s voice. No one had ever worried about her so much, or at all. It was cute. “No wunder yur hair’z so gray-” 

Ellie slipped. 

“Ellie!” Joel raced forward before Ellie could even scream, but she fell right through his arms, a stinging reminder that he was nothing but air. She hit the ground underneath him, elbows first. She was quiet for a moment, sitting in the wake of the seven or so foot fall. Then she began to cry. 

“Ellie,” Joel moved so that he wasn’t phasing through Ellie, and then knelt down by her side, frowning at the hot tears streaming down her cheeks. “Hey, hey,” He reached out for her, eyes locking onto the elbow that she was cradling to her chest, but his fingers passed right through her. 

Fuck.

Ellie whimpered. The sound reached right through Joel and took a grip on his heart. “Honey,” He soothed. “Hey, hey, look at me. C’mon.” She sniffled wetly, and then turned her face away from the fresh scrape on her arm. His eyes were like a warm shelter to hide in. “Let’s go inside. Okay, sweetheart? You’re okay." 

Ellie’s heart waned at that name. “It hurtz,” She held out her arm, sniffling. Scrapes matted her elbow and her forearm. Blood swelled in the shallow gashes. Tears billowed at the sight. 

“I know,” Joel soothed. “But think about the cool scar you’ll get when we’re done. Hm?” 

Ellie’s lip trembled. “Like a superhero,” She fawned. 

“Like a superhero,” Joel repeated gently. “So let’s go fix you up, huh?” 

“O… okey,” Ellie sniffled, and then grasped for Joel’s hand. She sailed right through him. It hurt more than usual. Her lip puffed in response. 

“C’mon,” Joel mourned. “Just one foot after the other, sweetheart. Just like that. Follow me.” Ellie waddled after him, still clinging to her scraped arm. The sight of fresh blood welling up in the shallow cuts made her whimper again. “Hey,” He drew her eyes away. “Just look at me. Okay?” 

Ellie hung her eyes against Joel’s face as he led them up the steps, treating him like a sanctuary. She kept trying to reach his hand. Her fingers passed through his phantom flesh each time, and she sagged more and more. He did too. 

She ain’t mine. 

She ain’t mine. 

So why did he feel alive again for the first time in twenty years? 

Ellie sat criss-crossed on the cold bathroom tile. Her eyes trailed after Joel as he fetched some anti-bacterial ointment from the medicine cabinet, along with some band-aids, superhero-themed. Her face lit up at the sight of them. 

“Hold on,” Joel managed a smile. “We’ve gotta clean this first.” He set the container of ointment beside Ellie. He couldn’t clean it himself, couldn’t press a bandaid on her booboo and kiss it better like he would’ve twenty years ago, even though suddenly he wished he could. “I’m gon’ tell you how to do this, honey, okay?” 

Ellie sagged a little. “Okey,” She acted big anyway. 

Joel wanted so badly to be able to do this for Ellie, to take care of her, but his fingers passed right through her because he was air: she’d have to be bigger than she was. 

“All you’ve gotta do is just take some of this ointment here,” Joel led Ellie’s eyes to the ointment. She held that blank, toddler-stare. “And rub it where it hurts. Okay?” 

Ellie took in the information. “O… okey,” She stumbled, grasping for the jar of ointment. She glossed her fingers with a sufficient layer and then touched it to her arm. A whine immediately left her throat. 

“I know,” Joel soothed. “I know. I know it hurts, but you’ve gotta clean it, sweetie. Alright?” 

Ellie fussed, but complied, and continued to spread the ointment into the scrapes. A burning sensation tore through her nerves, deep into her arm. Joel frowned at the sight of the pain ripping through her face. “Mm,” She whimpered in complaint. 

Joel felt his heart commit itself to Ellie. “You’re doin’ good,” He praised softly. She clung onto those three little words and winced again. “Now, here’s the most important part.” She listened in. “Who do you want on your band-aids?” 

Ellie’s eyes lit up as she remembered the cartoon superheroes waving at her from the box of band-aids. “S… Spydur-mayn,” She decided in a babble. 

“Good choice,” Joel praised. He unwrapped each of the band-aids for Ellie and then passed them over as she pressed them against her scrapes. Before long, they were done. “Good job,” He praised again. Quiet filled the bathroom. He sat in the aftermath of how soft he’d let himself be. 

Ellie mistook Joel’s quiet for anger. “I… I woyn’t climb thu tree agayn,” She offered meekly. 

Joel huffed. “I hope not,” He replied with a tone that would suggest he had his hands waiting on his hips. “How bad does it hurt, kiddo?” He nudged after. 

Ellie tilted her head and batted her best attempt at puppy-dog eyes. “Ay think it hurtz weallyy bad,” She began. “So… can you make me peaches?” 

Amusement filled Joel’s face. “Little barterer you are, huh?” 

Ellie didn’t know what that word meant, but she nodded dutifully. “Yes, I aym.” She waited after for her answer. 

“Fine,” Joel agreed. 

Canned peaches filled Ellie’s tummy as Joel watched her tuck herself into bed. She felt warm and fed and safe, and the house was quiet and calm amid the gentle light of the bedside lamp. She watched the band-aids on her arm. “It still hurt?” He prodded gently, frowning when she nodded.

If Joel had done that when he was Ellie’s age, he’d have heard no end of ‘I told you so’ and insults. He’d have earned it, to climb up that tree then fall right off. His father would’ve laughed. It felt peaceful, to be the exact opposite with Ellie, as he had with Sarah, and Tommy, for that matter. 

“No wun’s evur given me band-aids befur,” Ellie whispered, peering at her arm behind large, dark eyes. She was so cute. 

“They ain’t all that,” Joel offered softly. 

“... but no wun’s evur given me them befour,” Ellie cooed.

Joel felt his heart clench. Well, I have, he thought, but didn’t say it, because this was temporary. Ellie wasn’t his. With some luck, soon enough, she’d be somewhere else, in a home with a family and not a ghost… away from him and this tomb of a house. 

“... Joel?” 

“Mm,” He hummed. 

“... cayun you tell me a storey?” 

Joel found himself nodding. “You want the bear one?” He nudged. 

Ellie’s little chin shook. “... tell me wun,” She protested softly. 

Joel’s features changed with understanding. “Alright,” He agreed, moving closer atop the bed. The mattress refused to sink under his phantom weight. “Any story?” He tried his best to be bad at this. Really, he’d played out this scene a million times, in the room across the hall. 

“... mhm,” Ellie babbled from Joel’s side. She was trying her hardest to snuggle into him. Her little shoulder passed right through the hiding spot under his arm; she pretended the pillow she was cuddling into was him.

“Alright,” Joel repeated softly. “Once upon a time, there was a triceratops.” Ellie lidded her eyes and listened. “She was little-” 

“... how little?” Ellie interjected softly. This was the first time she’d ever been told a bedtime story before. 

“Like this,” Joel held out his fingers in front of him and held an inch of distance between them. A small giggle rose from Ellie’s chest. His heart clenched. “One day, she was chased out of her home by a… a T. Rex. He was big and mean, and he wanted to hurt the triceratops.” 

“... oh, no,” Ellie worried.

Joel’s heart squeezed in his chest. “It’s okay. The triceratops ran away from the T. Rex. She was fast and smart, and she made it far until she stumbled on an old cave.” Softness hung in his eyes while he reproduced the image of her tiptoeing her way into the house for the first time. “A bear lived in the cave. He was old and strong-” 

“... like you,” Ellie nudged. 

“Like me,” Joel echoed. “He let the little triceratops into his cave. She took the mud and painted the walls, and built a big fire so the cave became warm again.” He watched the auburn top of Ellie’s little head while he made the story up. “And she made the bear laugh again. He hadn’t done that in a long time.” 

“... why not?” Ellie whispered, her voice painted with slumber. 

Joel’s heart caught. “He… he’d had a cub, long ago,” He confessed softly. Ellie was too small to understand. “She was little and happy, like the triceratops. And kind. All the critters in the forest loved her. And she loved them.” He traced his eyes over the painted flowers on the door across the hall. 

“... what happened to hur?” Ellie murmured. 

Heat welled inside Joel’s eyes. “One day a hunter came,” He spoke through the strain in his chest. “And he took the cub away from her papa.” He cradled his breath inside his chest without notice, like it was Sarah, and he could hide her away this time like how he hadn’t before. “So, the bear was sad.” He cleared his throat. “For a long time.”

Ellie’s lip curled against her pillow. Joel watched behind soft eyes. Some bedtime story, he lectured himself, frowning. “Whhen the triceratops came,” He began again. “The bear was happy again. For a little bit. She made him laugh like the cub had, and made him smile. The cave wasn’t lonely anymore.” 

“... do they live happely evur aftur?”

Joel’s features caught. “The bear was old,” He began. “And slow. And he couldn’t protect the triceratops.” His eyes fell to the series of band-aids on Ellie’s little arms. Weight shadowed his face. “He prayed and prayed for another critter who’d find the cave, and bring her to a new home, where she’d be happy and safe with peo… critters, who love her.” 

“... what about the bear?” 

“He… he cares about her,” Joel shushed. “But he can’t take care of her. His paws are too… big.” He watched his fingers pass right through Ellie’s frame. “And his claws get in the way. He doesn’t mean to scratch her… but sometimes he does.” 

“... that’z why she has to leeve?” 

“Yeah,” Joel frowned. “Because the triceratops needs a family. She deserves one. And the bear shouldn’t keep that from her. Right?” 

Ellie thought hard. “... I guess,” She mumbled, unsure. “... but what about the bear?”

“What about him?” 

“... woyn’t he be lonely?” 

Joel swallowed down the lump inside his throat. “He just wants the trike to be happy.” He tried to brush his thumb along Ellie’s bandaged arm; he passed right through her. Weight claimed his face, and made his shoulders sag. “She deserves better than the bear.” 

Ellie was quiet under her blankets. The first time Joel had ever been able to think that about her. “... Joel?” She whispered. 

“What’s up?” Joel murmured, drawing Ellie closer to sleep with the gentleness of his voice. Stop, the back of his mind pleaded. This wasn’t going to end well. He was going to get hurt. Still, his eyes looked at her softer than they had anything since he’d buried his baby girl. 

“... you’re the bear,” Ellie whispered softly. “... aren’t yu?” 

Joel’s eyes sank. Ellie’s eyes were half-lidded, heavy with slumber. “... I am,” He confessed gently. 

A curl tugged over Ellie’s lips. Immediately, Joel knew why. She was picturing him as a great, big grizzly bear. She giggled at the image. Though soon after, her little brows entered a furrow. “... who’z the cub?” 

Joel felt his heart lurch inside his chest. Ellie peeked at his face, but he didn’t return the gaze. She followed him to a door down the hall: the one with the painted flowers. Dust on the handle, like it hadn’t been opened in twenty years. 

“... d… did yu hayve a… mm,” Ellie fussed. She couldn’t remember the word. 

“A daughter,” Joel finished gently. Ellie babbled in satisfaction. “I did.” His voice was softer than she’d ever heard, like it’d break with just one push. 

Ellie cooed. “... what’z her nayme?” 

A breath slipped past Joel’s lungs. All of a sudden, his heart felt the gaping hole Sarah had left in it. “Sarah,” He whispered her name. Ellie giggled underneath him. 

“When iz she coming home?” 

Joel’s eyes misted. “She…” He cleared the lump in his throat. “... she ain’t, Ellie,” He whispered. “... she’s passed on now.” 

Ellie’s lips dragged down in a sad pout. She fussed. “... I’ym sorry,” Joel heard her sniffle. His heart moved. 

“... that’s okay, honey,” Joel soothed. “... it’s not your fault.” Ellie melted underneath the sentence, like no one had ever told her that before.

“... wuz she nice?” 

Joel blinked away the heat in his eyes. “Yeah,” He choked. “Yeah. She was kind. We used to have some horses ‘n some cattle. I used to think she could talk to ‘em, she was so good with ‘em. Spent more time with them than her school friends.” A smile graced his face. “Sang happy birthday to ‘em like they’d understand her.”

Ellie giggled. As she did, Joel realized he hadn’t talked about Sarah out loud in twenty years. Until now. Until this little trike. 

He just didn’t want to get hurt again.

Chapter Text

Halfway through Ellie’s second week in the farmhouse, someone else came along, ending Joel’s torture; that’s what he told himself. Her bedtime prayers to stay here ‘fowevur’ went unanswered. 

Joel was watching Ellie draw on the porch when they saw the plume of dust rising above the dirt road that led to the farm house. Both of their eyes latched onto the corresponding truck. The sunset glared against its hood. He straightened. Meanwhile, she shrank, and sent out a second attempt at prayer. I hope it’z a ghowst truck. 

It wasn’t. 

Two boys’ faces flickered behind the dusty windshield. From what Joel could see, what with the truck bouncing down the road, they were both young. One in his twenties, the other a child, his face small and innocent like Ellie’s. But they were driving too fast for his liking, like they were being chased. And he wasn’t taking any chances. 

It wasn’t lost on Joel that anyone that looked Ellie’s way would see only her, a defenseless little girl tens of miles away from the closest town. 

“C’mon in the house, Ellie,” Joel lowered his hand out of instinct before pulling it back. Each time her fingers sailed through his now, it stung, because she was becoming more than the stray he’d taken in over a week ago, and he couldn’t hold her: couldn’t braid her hair or tuck her into bed. 

Couldn’t do anything but stand by while two strangers raced towards the house. 

“I thawt you wantid people,” Ellie remarked, confused as she trailed after Joel and disappeared behind the shoddy protection of the worn screen door. 

“Let’s just meet ‘em first,” Joel dismissed, maintaining a convincingly casual tone. On the inside, his heart hung, unsure of how to react. He watched the two boys approach the house, their old, beaten-down truck parked halfway into the grass behind them. His eyes waited on the older one. “Ellie,” He grasped. 

“I’ym hungry,” Ellie was already distracted. 

Joel swiveled. “Let’s play a game,” He caught her attention. 

“Whych?” Ellie perked up.

“Hide and seek,” Joel answered, lighting a smile over her face. “I’ll cou-” 

Before Joel could even finish, Ellie was gone, enveloped in the game. She disappeared up the steps with a smile on her face. He let out a sigh of relief, and then focused on the man and the child approaching the house. The porch groaned under their weight, a quiet reminder of how much smaller she was than them. 

“Hello?” A heavy fist beat against the front door. A little face bowed over the windowframes; dark, young eyes peered inside. “Is anyone in there?” The man knocked again, cautious. When no one answered, he rammed his shoulder against the door and forced their way inside. 

Joel watched, nervous. He left his spot in the corner and started up the steps in a mission to find Ellie. The stairs groaned under his phantom weight, sending the boys’ eyes reeling after him. “Hello?” 

Joel was grateful for the laziness of Ellie’s hiding spot. He found her fast, merely bundled underneath the blankets on his bed. She giggled as he pulled them away. “Yu fownd me-” 

“Shh, sh,” Joel shushed, incidentally drawing Ellie’s attention to the footsteps now coming up the steps. He saw the brief swell of fear on her face, the little twitch of her button nose. “C’mere,” He reached out, and her fingers passed right through him, both of them forgetting. 

The door opened a second later and Joel was gone. 

Ellie panned her eyes over the bedroom, searching for Joel, but she only found two faces waiting in the doorway: a boy, not much older than her, and a man, big and strong. She straightened on the bed and met their stare behind bright, anxious eyes. “Joel?” 

The man stepped closer. Ellie inched back in response, scared. “Hey, hey, it’s okay,” He soothed, refunding the distance he’d stolen. “We’re not gonna hurt you.” He held his hands up like an expression of peace. “What’s your name, huh?” She blinked. “I’m Henry,” He touched his heart. “This here’s Sam.” 

Ellie’s eyes dipped to the little boy hiding behind Henry’s leg. His face looked like her own, young and nervous. “Joel?” She grasped the air as she again called out for him, unsure of what to do. 

“Is that your dad’s name?” Henry nudged. Ellie’s eyes darted his way, and then searched again. “Is he close by?" 

Joel appeared in the corner now, nothing but empty air to anyone except Ellie. He nodded his head, leading her to nod her own. “What’s your name, honey?” Her eyes returned to Henry. His face was gentle. She was just noticing that now. He looked nice.

“Elly,” She admitted softly. 

“Ellie,” Henry repeated. “That’s a cool name. How old are you, Ellie?” 

Ellie lowered her eyes to her hands and counted on her fingers. “Foyur,” She presented her hands. “And a hayf.” 

“Four.” Henry’s shoulders fell. He didn’t know if he believed that Ellie’s dad was close by. The house seemed so empty. But surely a four year old little girl couldn’t be left here all by herself. Sam was only six. “Where’d your dad go? Is he in the house?” 

Ellie hesitated. She found Joel’s face in the corner of the room, and then remembered his harsh lecture the first and only time she’d incidentally assigned him that label. “He’z nawt my daddy,” She corrected. The seriousness in his face billowed, leaving a soft look in its place. “He’z Joel.” 

Henry followed Ellie’s eyes and just found air. “Are you related to him?” Suspicion weighed his voice as he turned back to her. Joel watched, grateful. Even if he was the subject of this man’s suspicion, it assured him that this man was decent enough to find a little girl and see just that, a little girl. Something to protect. 

“No,” Ellie shrugged. “But he’z my new best frend.” Joel crossed his arms across his chest; amusement hid the fondness underneath. “My last wun died. Joel sayd he’d tell hur hi for me.” 

Joel didn’t blame the knot that formed across Henry’s face. “How long have you been with him, Ellie?” 

Ellie again counted on her fingers. “Um, thru… thurteen.” 

“Eleven?” Henry translated the toddler-speak. “Days?” Ellie nodded her little head. “Did he take you here?” While this entire conversation was transpiring, Sam hid behind his older brother’s leg, quiet and shy. Meanwhile, she loved to chat. 

“No,” Ellie shrugged. “I walkded. From… um, Thermapolice.” 

“Thermopolis,” Joel corrected from the corner. 

Ellie stuck her tongue out at him. 

Henry watched the gesture, amusement and confusion mixing on his face. “When’s Joel coming back?” He cradled his palm against his little brother’s head, wary now of some possible predator lingering outside the house. He didn’t get an answer. Ellie just pointed to the air in the corner, and then focused on the stuffie in her lap. 

“He duzn’t wawnt me to stay,” Ellie admitted, slinking away from the sigh that reverberated across the room.

“What does he want?” Henry led Ellie through the conversation and savored whatever he could decipher. 

“He just wantz me to hayve a famlee,” Ellie accepted. She knew that was why Joel was pushing her away, because she was alive and he was a ghost, and she could do better. As far as she thought, though, he was the best. He was her favorite person. “He’z a good not-daddy.”

Joel felt his chest squeeze from his corner. He cast soft eyes over his bed, where Ellie settled underneath the gentle weight of his gaze. A smile claimed her face. “I sed not-daddy,” She pressed. “So you doyn’t haf to be mad.” His chest swelled again. 

“Ellie,” Henry drew her eyes. “How about you come with Sam here,” He brushed his hand over his brother’s head. “And me tomorrow? We’ll find you somewhere at the closest town.” 

Joel straightened in the corner. He paced forward then, lecturing Ellie with the firm expression on his face. “O… okay,” She agreed, sad. Her giraffe drooped in her grip.

“How about you come downstairs with us?” Henry stretched his arm out, his other hand tethered to Sam’s little fingers. “Sam’s got some fruit snacks stuffed in his bag. Bet he wouldn’t mind sharing.” 

Ellie’s eyes shone as they revisited Sam. He looked nice. She could count on one little finger how many nice kids she’d ever met. Joel watched from the corner behind soft, phantom eyes. She bobbed her little head.

“Yeah?” Henry translated. 

“Yeuh,” Ellie chirped. 

Sam and Ellie shared fruit snacks on the couch. Joel listened to her giggle alongside him. He watched them play like the little kids they were. This is what’s waitin’ for her out there, he told himself, hopeful. Why you’re makin’ her go. 

“How oyld ayur yu?” Ellie spoke through the fruit snacks she was chewing on. 

Henry cast his eyes over from the window he was staring through and smiled gently. “He can’t hear you, Ellie,” He confessed, crossing the room to kneel in front of the two toddlers. “Sam here is deaf. Do you know what that means?” 

Confusion scrunched Ellie’s face, answering Henry’s question. He smiled again. She was cute. “He can’t hear,” He explained gently. “Hasn’t been able to since he was your age. That’s why we have to talk to him with our hands.” 

Ellie’s little nose scrunched again. “Handz?” 

“That’s right,” Henry praised. He signed each word now. Ellie watched the sure, fluid movement of his fingers, curious. Sam watched too. “Do you want to learn how to say hi?”  

Excitement filled Ellie’s face. “Uh… uh huh,” She babbled. 

“Alright,” Henry scooched in. Joel watched silently, but didn’t budge. Henry seemed good. Kind. He wasn’t worried. “‘Hi’,” He narrated, and moved his fingers. “Hi. Like that, see?” 

Henry watched Ellie try to recreate the sign. “Almost there,” He praised. “Just move your thumb here a little.” He adjusted her fingers. “Like that. Try again.” 

Ellie repeated her attempt. Immediately after, Sam lit up beside her, and signed back. A giggle slipped past her lips. Henry smiled, watching either of them. 

Then he went back to watching the windows. 

Henry was cautious. That was the only thing Joel was cautious of. He prowled the house. His eyes were glued to each window, and to his watch, ticking away against his dark wrist. He rifled through their backpacks, like he was making sure they’d be able to go at any second, if need be. 

Ellie and Sam played together with his coloring books as Henry kept watch. 

Joel presumed that Henry was looking for him,the unrelated, nice man that Ellie had incidentally described; that was why he looked so cautious, his eyes so fast. Right? 

When night fell, Joel talked Ellie through telling Henry and Sam that they wouldn’t be sleeping right across the hall from her, and no, it didn’t mattur how Sam wuz her newest best friend after him. Plus, the couch downstairs was probably more comfortable than Tommy’s stiff, old mattress. The boys set up camp in the living room with their own blankets; they seemed to have their whole lives packed in their bags. 

Joel wondered why. He watched them as they settled in, Ellie stowed away safe upstairs. Henry was anxious. His backpack also hid a pistol, which Joel had managed to empty out without being noticed. He stowed the bullets in his own gun-drawer, and wondered why Henry had it in the first place. 

It wasn’t just because of him. 

Why had they been driving so fast earlier? 

Henry tucked Sam into the sofa. His little body fit well under the several blankets waiting around the living room. “All snug?” He signed with his hands. Sam saw through the shadows adjourning the room and nodded. “Go to bed then-” 

“Henry?” Sam signed his big brother’s name. Henry returned his gaze. “What if they find us here?” 

Softness claimed Henry’s face, only barely covering the rampant fear underneath. “That won’t happen,” He hoped he was a good liar, because in reality, he wasn’t sure, or even confident. “We’ll be moving again tomorrow,” He soothed them both. “We’re safe here.” 

Sam sank down a little under his blankets. “Okay,” He signed tiredly. 

Henry’s lips tugged as he watched his baby brother’s eyes drift. “Go to sleep,” He signed with gentle hands. “I’ll watch us the whole night.” 

Joel couldn’t understand what their hands meant, but he understood the look on Henry’s face: fear. He’d stuffed it down himself dozens of times, for Sarah’s sake, or Ellie’s, just like Henry was for his little brother. He was wary of the fear, and its origin. What did he keep looking around for? 

Was something chasing them? Someone? 

“Jowl,” Ellie tried to grab onto his shirt as she burrito’d herself inside her blankets. He met her gaze, and then felt his heart soften against the misery on her face. The moon painted her face from the window, making her eyes shine even brighter with waiting tears. “I doyn't wanna go,” She pouted. “Pwease?” 

“Ellie,” Joel shushed, because he knew he couldn’t make it through many more of her little pweases.“This is a good thing. Okay? You’re gon’ find a real family tomorrow. Doesn’t that sound good?” 

Ellie’s eyes shone in response. “Wuy cayn’t yu be my famlee?” 

“Ellie,” Joel lectured gently. “You know why.” He felt the weightlessness of his own fingers, his flesh that would pass right through her if he tried to hold her. 

“Who’z gunna be nice to me?” Ellie sniffled. “Yur the onlee wun.” 

Joel’s heart sank. “Ellie,” He shushed, lowering himself to her level beside the bed. “Listen to me. Henry’ll bring you to the closest town. I bet there’ll be so many families there. The first one that looks at you’ll want you. I bet the whole town’ll have a biddin’ war.” He sounded so sure. “Now, you pick the one with the biggest pool, you hear-”

“Joel,” Ellie whined, interrupting his tease. “No wun’z gunna wayunt me.” She said it like he was so stupid to think so. 

“Ellie,” Joel felt his heart sink. Those words didn’t belong in a four-year-old’s mouth. In her heart, as little as it was. 

“It’z true,” Ellie fussed. “Mommies and daddies get payud to luv me. Rilee nevur wantid me to know… buyt I knowed.” 

Softness spilled through Joel’s face. Still, he was valiantly fighting the growing urge to just forget this whole plan and keep Ellie forever. “Ellie,” He shushed. “You’re gon’ get to that town tomorrow and find someone who loves you more than anythin’. More than money. Like mommies and daddies do.”

“Mine doywn’t,” Ellie slinked down in the bed, defeated, and facing away from Joel. She buried her little cheeks into her giraffe. “... I’ll just gwow up fast,” The sureness in her voice managed its way through the plush. “... so I doyn’t need anywun.”  

Joel’s expression melted. “... listen to me, Ellie,” His voice fell out softer than he meant. “... somewhere out there, there’s someone who’s gon’ cherish you,” He soothed. “... you’ve just gotta find ‘em first,” He tried to brush the hair away from her face and watched his fingers phase right through her. 

… and they ain’t me. 

Ellie wasn’t getting her hopes up. Instead, she prayed extra hard when she closed her eyes that night, and hoped as hard as she could for Henry and Sam to vanish with the morning the night like the evening moon.

… I wayna stay. 

… I waynt Joel. 

Joel waited by Ellie’s bedside the entire night and watched the giraffe in her hands; her little fingers hid in the fluff. How could he already miss a kid that was still right here? A kid that wasn’t his? He tried to evict her from his heart. It didn’t work. 

She’s temporary. 

She’s temporary. 

A kid could never be temporary. 

Ellie couldn’t. Not to Joel. 

Ellie tried to hide in her blanket-burrito the morning that she was supposed to leave. She felt Joel’s eyes watching her softly from the corner of her his bedroom, and fought herself not to settle under their weight. She had to put up a fight. She didn’t want to leave. He couldn’t make her. 

The blankets were pulled from her grip. 

The darkness left the world, and Ellie took in the sight of Joel’s face waiting above her. “Ellie,” He lectured, letting out a soft sigh as she turned away and buried her face into the soft giraffe plush in her grip. The sight threatened to undo him. “You have to go now. Henry and Sam are wakin’ up downstairs.” 

Their names were like threats.

“I don’t wayna go,” A little sniffle rose up from Ellie’s plushie. Joel swallowed down the sudden lump in his throat. “Doyn’t mayke me go,” She pleaded. “... I’ll be weally good. I pwomiss.” 

Nausea raced over Joel’s face. Jesus. “Ellie,” He shushed, frowning when his palms pressed right through her little shoulders. “Ellie, honey. Listen to me. I know you’re good. It ain’t ‘cause of that.” She sniffled wetly, and lifted her eyes. He held her gaze. “You’re a good girl. Do you hear me? But you can’t stay here. Alright?” 

Ellie’s lip puffed. “Okay,” She admitted through a sniffle. The word struggled past her lips. 

Joel’s heart tugged again. “Henry’s gon’ find you someplace safe and warm. I want you to make him promise you that, you hear? Don’t let him go until he does.” 

Ellie bobbed her little head. “Okay,” She sniffled again. 

“Okay,” Joel hushed. He watched Ellie’s little fingers wrap around her giraffe,  the only gift anyone had ever given her. “You’re going to be okay, Ellie.” He wished he could hold her, imbue the promise into her frame with a tender hug, but he couldn’t. “Do you hear me?” 

Ellie smeared her sleeve over her own wet cheeks. “Okay,” She believed him, because it was him. 

Joel watched Ellie’s little fingers grasp for her his own and pass right through as he led her downstairs. 

This is for the best. 

He knew it was true, because he kept chanting it. 

Ellie’s eyes were foggy when Henry looked at her. Her fingers were clenched and grasping onto air as she trudged towards them from the base of the steps. 

“Morning, Ellie,” Henry greeted with a friendly tone, though she didn’t answer, only sniffled and then plopped onto the sofa beside Sam. He offered her a half-empty, sticky packet of fruit gummies in his grip. She accepted it with little hands and then nibbled on a berry-shaped gummy. “How’d you sleep?” 

Ellie cast her eyes over the room and searched for Joel. He was suddenly missing. It felt like something inside of her was missing too. She sank in her seat, and felt the house wane too. 

“Ellie?” 

She glanced over, and then refocused on Henry’s face. “How’d you sleep, honey?” 

“Okey,” Ellie admitted, taking a sad look over the house. 

“Glad to hear it,” Henry smiled. His dark brown eyes lingered against the inexplicably sad expression over Ellie’s face. She just seemed like a really sensitive kid, not so different from his own. “I’m going to find you someplace really nice in the next town over,” He announced gently. “How’s that sound?” 

It’z nawt Joel, Ellie thought with a pout. But Henry was nice, so she gave him a little nod. He seemed pleased. 

Ellie’s and Sam’s little feet dangled beside each other as they ate breakfast. He held a crayon in one hand, a fruit-snack in the other. She doodled wildly across his coloring book, but he didn’t seem to mind. He thought the colors were pretty. 

Joel watched them as softly as Henry did. 

Then something made a noise outside. 

Henry’s eyes drifted to the windows. Through the old glass, he realized a brigade of three, dirty old pickup trucks speeding towards the house. Joel watched his face pale from across the room. Then he jolted, like a gunshot had gone off, and tore the shutters of each window down with such force that each of the children jumped. 

“Henwy?” 

Ellie flinched at the slam. Sam felt the vibration. He soon read the expression on his brother’s face and then straightened like a beam. The markers in his little fingers crashed with a clatter. 

A failed attempt at speech escaped Sam’s lips, and came out like a babble. Ellie was oblivious. “Whut’z goeing-”

“Shh,” Henry rushed forward, clasping a palm over Ellie’s mouth before she could utter another word. From the corner of her gaze, she saw Joel appear. His face looked tense, worried. The rest of him shared the boys’ stiffness. “Shh, okay?” Henry softened his grip. He looked outside then. 

A sudden crack reverberated through the early morning sky. It sounded like a car or a truck backfiring, and judging from the clammy, porcelain wash claiming Henry’s face, he was more than familiar with it. It was right outside the house. 

Ellie felt Henry’s fingers sweating against her lips. She fussed at the sensation, and managed to break her face away. He was too caught on the sudden echo of footsteps to even notice. He looked terrified now. She’d never seen a grownup look so afraid before. It made her afraid too. 

Whut’z happining?

“... Henwy?” He didn’t answer, flashed across the room like lightning, and peeked through the corner of one of the front windows. His entire body tightened like he was made of concrete. 

Ellie found Joel. He was waiting across the living room, and watching Henry and the approaching silhouettes outside with very careful eyes. She crossed the room then, and tried to hug onto his leg, immediately making herself his only focus in the world.

A knock rapped against the door. 

“Henry,” A muffled voice boomed through the old wood. It was a man’s. Ellie’s small mind conjured an image of a burly face with a thick, dark moustache and a beard. Tattoos rapping his knuckles, muscles big enough to choke her. “This is your truck out here. We know you’re in there. Open this fucking door.” 

Ellie’s little palms began to sweat at the venom in the man’s voice. She lifted her chin and sought out the gentleness behind Joel’s eyes, but he was watching the door. 

“Henry.” 

The door shook with the force of the corresponding knocks. 

A flinch shook Ellie’s body. Joel watched softly, and then felt his mind scramble for solutions. Henry stole her away before he could even try. Sam was clutched tightly in his other hand, and he led both of the children upstairs, cringing at each thump, thump, thump that their little feet made against the old wood. “... shh,” He pleaded above them. 

The knocks continued outside. 

Joel lingered on the first floor, and looked through the windows with no reflection. Five men waited on his porch. Their faces were dirty and rough, their hair greasy and thinning. Old, misshapen clothes clung to their bodies, undoubtedly stolen. Immediately, he felt his gut twist. These men looked familiar, not them but their type. 

Joel’s heart ached with Sarah’s loss. Soon after, rage billowed over his face as he thought of the man who’d taken her. 

Ellie was just upstairs. Barely twenty feet away from these men, and their greasy hair and dirty clothes. A mission settled over his face, underneath the rage. 

“Henry!” One of the men bellowed through the old floorboards. He tried the knob, but it didn’t even jiggle. “Open this fucking door!” A click shadowed his warning, the unmistakable cocking of a gun. “Listen! We won’t kill the kid too if you open up! Just come fucking outside!” 

Joel felt his jump jolt inside his chest. 

Ellie. 

Ellie. 

Her name was immediately Joel’s only thought. Her name, along with these men, and the sudden mission of dragging them into whatever haunted dimension he currently resided in. 

Henry scooped Ellie up under her arms and then let her down into the bathtub. Sam scampered in right after. He made a verbal attempt at his big brother’s name, but Henry didn’t join them. “... stay right here,” He ordered in a whisper, signing each word too. “... hide and don’t make a sound, okay?” 

Ellie’s eyes felt wet. The air felt so serious and scary. “... whutz going on?” She whined, drawing a violent shush out of Henry’s mouth. “... iz pepul owtside?” Her little face was crinkled with confusion.

“... yes,” Henry confirmed in a hush. “... so, you’ve gotta stay and hide here with Sam, alright?” He pressed his palms against Ellie’s little shoulders and forced her down when she tried to perk up above the cover of the porcelain tub. “... I bet they’ll go away as long as we’re quiet.” 

Henry suddenly seemed like just as much of a kid as Ellie and Sam, who were both shaking in the tub, both of them jolting with the loud and sudden bang that rattled through the floorboards. 

The front door was in splinters now. 

Joel watched with wild eyes as five graying, weapon-clad men made their way into the house. He manipulated the house and sent the sofa careening towards the last man like a raging bull, though he jumped away at the last second. Five pairs of eyes stared, wide, at the corresponding mess. 

“What the fuck?”

Voices drifted upstairs. 

“... Joyl,” Ellie protested, trying to scale over the bathtub edge as she worried. 

“... Ellie,” Henry stopped her. “... shh, you have to be quiet, okay?” 

“... Joyl,” Ellie fussed again, mind plagued with the idea of him all alone down there with bad men. Before Henry could stop her, she scrambled over the porcelain tub and disappeared beyond the bathroom door. 

“... Ellie,” He hissed after her, but she was already gone, waddling down the hallway despite the loud thuds downstairs. Her eyes searched for Joel. 

Her Joel. 

The house smelled sharp, like gunpowder, though Ellie didn’t know what that was. She just knew it burnt her little nose. Joyl, she babbled inside her little head, hoping silently that it was his feet she could hear moving up the steps. 

“... Joyl?”

Joel’s face lifted over the top of the steps. His whole head practically grayed in real time as soon as he met Ellie’s young, frightened eyes, waiting out here right in the middle of the hallway. Her little hands reached for him. His heart ran for her. “... Joyl-” 

“Shh,” Joel rushed, making the distance between them disappear. “Ellie,” He fought for her attention. She was already focused on his hands, and trying to make them hold her own. His heart raced. “Ellie, hey. Look at me. Right here.” 

After a second too long, Ellie refocused. “... peepul,” She repeated Henry’s warning. 

“Uh huh,” Joel rushed. “So you’ve gotta play hide ‘n seek, alright? Make it a really good spot, honey. You hear me?” 

Ellie was gone in a flash. The closet door squeaked as she hid behind it. Her favorite spot when they played. And now she was hiding from men with guns. Four and a half years old, or ‘foyur and a haf yeerz oyld’, as she’d put it. 

Joel’s eyes waited against the closet door, wild and worried and terrified, as heavy footsteps thumped against the old wooden steps behind him. Three men started down the hallway. Ellie hid at the other end, cocooned amongst old clothes and dust boxes. Slits of light painted her face. 

Joel felt his heart hang in his throat. He watched the men approach the end of the hallway. 

Don’t let them find her. 

Don’t let them find her. 

Joel managed to claw down a breath when the men turned, and knocked against the bathroom door. 

The floorboards whined outside the bathroom door. Henry listened, his heart threatening to explode inside his chest. Where was Ellie? Had they hurt her? No. He would’ve heard screaming, right? That thought made him nauseous. He gathered the courage to spread his arms as far as they’d go, protecting his baby brother behind him. In the back of his mind, guilt hung over him. 

“Will they find us here?” 

Henry and Sam had been on the run. 

And Ellie hadn’t. 

Who knows, maybe she’d been at peace before they came. 

And now there were men with guns waiting beyond the bathroom door. 

Maybe she was out there too, in a puddle. 

Henry couldn’t think through all of it right now. He just knew this was all his fault. He clung to the empty gun hidden in his pocket, the bullets in the next room over unbeknownst to him, and prayed that the men would go away. 

In the same moment, the bathroom door broke open. 

Ellie peeked through the slits in the closet. A jolting volley of pops exploded throughout the house right after, and she shrank down. A yelp slipped past her lips, though it was hidden underneath more gunshots, much to Joel’s relief. He lingered in the closet beside her, trying his hardest to make his arms hold her; they refused. 

Another volley of gunshots filled the cramped hallway. 

Ellie curled up as tight as her legs would let her, shrank down as small as she could. She butted her chin into her knees, muffling the high-pitched whimper slipping past her lips. Lowd, she lectured herself, flinching at her own breath. Too lowd. The gunpowder smell burnt her nose. 

Theyur gunna find yu. 

Ellie whimpered again, the sound small and scared; the muffle of her own little knees were barely enough to keep her hidden. She hid from the men inside the darkness of her palms. Her mind led her back to every time she’d been this scared before.

Parents and belts. The bed she’d run from that’d brought her here. Bruises on her little face and arms. A closet much like this one, in foster-houses that all blended together. 

Ellie’s face was a stricken-white when she peeked up from her knees. Joel recognized the panic in her eyes. “... Ellie,” He pressed softly. “... Ellie, you gotta stay in here, okay?” He tried to nudge her, but he sailed right through. “... listen to me, honey.” 

“... wanna… wana go,” Ellie panted, the breath needed for a word suddenly impossible. Her tongue felt like lead in her mouth. Her little brow furrowed with confusion, amid her dread. 

“... you can’t go,” Joel refused. “... you can’t go out there, honey, okay?” His eyes were desperate against Ellie’s little face. “... you gotta stay in here with me.”

That won something in Ellie’s face. “... keep yu sayfe,” She whispered without breath, breaking Joel’s heart in two. 

“... that’s right,” He played along. As long as it kept her in here, hidden and the safest she could be. “... I’m right here, sweetie,” He chased her eyes. “... I’m right here, okay?” 

Ellie tried to grasp for Joel’s hand. She sailed right through him though, and fussed after the denial with what little breath she had. He lifted his gaze, verifying that the silhouettes beyond the door hadn’t heard. 

“Take a picture," A gruff voice ordered from the bathroom. 

Joel swallowed. 

“Not of the kid,” The same voice hissed. “Fuck,” It almost sounded guilty. “Of him.” 

Breath left Joel’s nose. He didn’t think Henry was alive anymore… or Sam. His stomach turned with the thought. … Jesus Christ. Who the hell had they been running from? Who the hell was beyond the door? 

“Kathleen’ll want to see it,” Another voice agreed. 

Joel didn’t recognize the name. He moved on fast, making himself busy with chanting each passing second inside his head and waiting until they left. The hallway was a mess behind the men, living proof of his best attempts to take them to whatever haunted dimension he lingered in. 

There was the snap of a camera, and then footsteps. 

“Should we leave them here?” 

The voices were further now. They didn’t return, so Joel assumed the answer was yes. The second floor of the house stank of gunpowder in their wake. The silence was loud, and missing gunshots. He swallowed, and waited until he heard the sound of an engine outside, then finally let himself move. 

A little whimper drifted beside him. 

Joel’s heart broke with the sound. “... Ellie,” He whispered, not meaning to. “... Ellie, it’s over, okay?”

As soon as those words left Joel’s mouth, Ellie broke past the confines of the closet door. Her breath zipped in and out of her chest in a panic. He shadowed her with a soft expression. “... I cayun’t,” She panted. “... cn,” She found his eyes, terrified and desperate for help. 

“Breathe,” Joel soothed. “Look at me. Ellie, hey.” She couldn’t hear his voice, too focused on the absence of her own breath. He watched her face turning blue with a panicked gaze. “Hey.” He clasped his palms against either of her cheeks and felt her tears smear underneath his skin. 

They both froze, and stared at his hands, holding her cheeks. 

Ellie’s panicked little breaths hid between them among the shock. 

Joel stared, wide-eyed. He offered a gentle brush against the tears on Ellie’s face, and watched them smudge underneath his thumb. Swallowing down his shock, he focused on her breath, and addressed her with gentle eyes. “Hey,” He repeated softly. He had her attention now. “Just focus on me. Okay?” 

Ellie felt Joel’s palms, rough but gentle and warm, move against her face as she nodded. He flattened his palm against his ribs and then moved a slow, calm breath out of his chest. She watched, enamored. “Can you do that for me, honey?” She tried, and failed. “That’s okay,” He soothed. “Try again. You’ve got it. C’mon.”

Ellie’s next breath was a whimper. “That’s good,” Joel soothed anyway. “That’s real good.” She seemed to melt under the praise. He watched another trembling breath tiptoe through her little ribs. “You’re doin’ great, honey,” He encouraged. “Just breathe with me now. C’mon.” 

Ellie’s bright, terrified eyes shadowed Joel’s chest. She practiced his breaths, and slowly crawled her way out of a panic attack. Four years old, he chanted in his head, sick with guilt. “Good girl,” He praised after each breath. “There you go. Good job, sweetheart. Just keep breathin’.” 

Once Ellie knew she could breathe, she swiveled her head over and stared at the bathroom door. A red puddle was spreading underneath it. She whimpered, and then clung onto Joel’s leg, not used to the actual weight that she felt cradled under her little arms. “... Joyl,” She babbled in a sniffle. 

“Shh,” Joel soothed. He smoothed his palm against the top of Ellie’s head. Her auburn hair moved under his fingertips. His eyes were wide, and enamored. 

I exist.

Joel felt Ellie’s auburn hair tickling his nerves. I can feel. It’d been so long since he could do that. Had she given him that back? Of course she had. 

A puddle of something was creeping out from the bathroom door. Ellie saw it first, her doe eyes misting over with confusion. Joel’s face aged when he realized it next. “Hey,” He prodded. “Look at me, okay?” Her eyes found his, sad. He frowned. “... let’s go downstairs, sweetheart.” 

Joel’s voice came out softer than he meant it to. Maybe because there were two bodies beyond the bathroom door, and he was pretty sure Ellie hadn’t realized that yet. Couldn’t. 

“... Saym,” Ellie grabbed at the door with empty hands. She didn’t understand. “Henwy,” She pointed. 

“They… they ain’t in there anymore, Ellie,” Joel soothed. He was almost relieved that she was too young to comprehend what had just happened in this house… to know why the hallway stank like gunpowder and something copper-like. Her eyes clung to the blood. “Ellie. Hey, look at me, sweetheart,” He shushed. 

Ellie’s eyes stayed waiting on the puddle of blood. “Ellie,” Joel hushed. “I don’t want you lookin’ at that, sweetheart. Okay?” 

Her little brows furrowed. “Whuy?” 

Joel’s heart tugged inside his chest, reminding him suddenly he had flesh. With gentle hands, he scooped Ellie away from the gunpowder-dusted floorboards and held her against his chest. Her large eyes slanted away from the blood, distracted now. He felt her little fingers test their weight against his chest. No one had ever held her before. 

“Jo,” Joel felt Ellie shift herself against his chest in an attempt to snuggle closer to him. His heart shifted with her, holding onto her like a shadow. “Mm.” She settled her face against his neck; the short hairs of his beard scratched her little cheek. He watched her behind soft, terrified eyes. 

She was so precious. He’d never held anything so precious before. Only once before. He couldn’t lose her. He couldn’t lose her again. 

The weight of Sarah’s door hung over Joel as they passed it. He held Ellie closer, as if he was hiding her away from the same fate. 

The gunpowder lingered in the house, a very real reminder that Ellie could’ve so easily joined the two bodies in the bathroom upstairs. Joel imagined her like himself, see-through and made of nothing but air: a four-year-old little ghost. He tried to hide her from that idea, cradling her closer to his chest. 

This was the first time anyone had ever held Ellie with gentleness. 

She wrung her little arms around Joel’s neck, making herself as close to him as she could. She could already feel his weight beginning to fade, the swell of pure panic that had made him able to hold her washing away, so she snuggled in now. 

My Joyl. 

She clung on. 

Joel felt himself let her. 

Sarah’s door weighed over him, along with the two bodies upstairs. 

You’re going to get hurt. 

Still, Joel held Ellie closer than he had anything in twenty years, and declared himself her Joel. His heart rattled inside his chest, ten years after his death, because she held it now, in the little hands that clung to him.

Chapter Text

Joel held Ellie against his chest the day after. His temporary flesh lasted long enough to drag Henry and Sam outside: two shallow graves developed beyond the front door. She watched through the windows while he dug, even though he’d told her not to. Her large eyes watched the bodies disappear. 

Saym. 

Ellie mourned the final glimpse of Sam’s little hand. Guilt rolled in her little stomach. She shrank away from the window and sniffled, then stared blankly at the room. She remembered praying for them to disappear. So she could stay with Joel. Her young mind clung onto the memory, horrified. 

Joel’s footsteps made weight against the floor as he re-entered. He was fading. “Hey,” His knees made an old croak as he lowered himself down before the couch. “Hey, hey.” He caught Ellie’s eyes. She readjusted, sobered under the sight of how sad his face was. She wished she was bigger, like him. So she could understand. In the same second, he frowned. One word he never thought he’d use for her: quiet. 

“Listen to me, Ellie.” The innocent curiosity of her gaze, her eyes trailing after him like a puppy, pummeled Joel. “You’re safe now. Okay? D’you hear me?” 

Ellie’s face stayed still. “Saym,” She denied in a babble, making Joel sink. Guilt hid under her words. It didn’t belong there. “... Joyl,” She whispered, sinking down like someone laid a weight atop her.

“Hey,” Joel returned softly. He physically braced. 

“I…” Ellie hung her finger from her teeth, like she was trying to physically block the confession from making it past her lips. “... I prayded,” She whispered. “... for theym to go uhway.” Shame waited deep in her eyes. I’m guilty, her face implored, ashamed, and too small. 

“Ellie,” Joel shushed. “Honey. Listen to me. Hey.” He clasped his palm against Ellie’s cheek. For the first time in an hour, he passed right through her. His eyes melted under the realization. Immediately, he mourned the weight of her little frame carried against his chest. Her arms tying themselves around his neck. She fussed too. 

Joel was the only one who’d ever held Ellie gently. 

She grabbed out for his hands, and passed right through. 

“It wasn’t your fault, Ellie,” Joel moved on. His voice was soft, and determined. He held her eyes, and didn’t let her stray away. “Do you hear me?” 

Ellie shifted. “But I prayded,” She disagreed, shrinking. 

“You didn’t mean it, Ellie,” Joel shushed, shaking his head. “You didn’t want anythin’ bad to happen to ‘em. You didn’t want ‘em to get hurt.” He held his pinky finger out, and held her eyes. “I promise. It weren’t your fault. Do you trust me?”

Ellie cooed, and then took Joel’s finger. With the last of his flesh, they pinky-promised. A second later, he was air again. 

The house was quiet that night. Even if it’d only been the two of them many nights before, it seemed so much emptier now. Ellie’s eyes waited on the closet door at the end of the hallway as she tiptoed towards Joel’s bedroom. He shadowed her, letting his palm hang beside her own, as if he’d actually be able to hold her. 

Joel felt like more of a ghost than ever he had in twenty years. 

Ellie winced like there were gunshots going off again. “Hey,” Joel soothed, kneeling beside her. His joints didn’t creak anymore. “We’re safe. You’re okay. D’you hear me, kiddo?” 

Ellie made a fuss. “They were loud,” She lamented in a sniffle, reimagining the pops. Her voice was small, like the rest of her. 

“I know,” Joel soothed. His eyes followed Ellie like a shadow, all of his focus dedicated to her. “But they ain’t here anymore. It’s just you and me now. Okay?”

“Saym,” Ellie mourned again, trying and failing to tug at Joel’s pant leg. 

“Sam’s gone too,” Joel admitted, his voice low. “It’s just us now.” 

Something bloomed in Ellie’s face at that. “... I doyn’t haf to go,” She cooed in a whispered realization. 

Joel’s heart clenched. “You don’t,” He granted gently. At the same time, he began to wonder what the hell his next plan was. No more strangers. His heart clenched at the memory of Ellie, so close to the gunshots. What if no one came? What if that was okay? 

The first time the outside world entered their little world, it’d almost taken Ellie’s life. She’d been safe, here, with him for almost a month. What if it stayed like this? What if he could watch her grow? Here, where no one could hurt her? Her own little world. The parent she craved so badly.

“Joyl,” Ellie drew him out. He met her eyes, and offered an attempt at a smile. “Are the bad men gonna come back?” 

Joel’s heart caved for Ellie. “No, sweetheart,” The word slipped past his lips like venom. He winced underneath its softness. “No,” He corrected hoarsely. She watched curiously, tilting her head like a puppy. “No one’s gon’ hurt you. We’re safe here. Okay?” 

Ellie believe Joel, because it was him. “Okey,” She sank under his blankets, in his bed, comically large for her little body. His fingers ached to tuck her in. “Cayn… cayn you stey awake if I fawl uhsweep?” 

“Why?” Joel prodded gently, already accepting of the request, just curious. Ellie had never asked that before. 

“So yu cayn see them,” She admitted. “Iyf they come.” 

Joel’s expression softened. “No one’s gon’ come,” He promised again, his voice painted with warmth, and care. Ellie settled underneath both. Her large eyes watched him in the dark night. Her fingers twiddled with his blankets. “But I will,” He agreed anyway. “I’ll stay up all night and make sure you’re safe, kiddo. I promise.” 

“... you safe too,” Ellie reminded in a little whisper. Her voice was sleep. 

“I’ll stay safe too,” Joel soothed. “Now, you just close your eyes,” The softness of his voice lured Ellie closer to sleep. He watched her eyelashes fall underneath the weight of her slumber. “You’ve had a long day, sweetheart.” His heart clenched with the sudden memory of the bodies buried outside. “I’ve got you now.” 

Ellie fell asleep trying to grab onto Joel’s fingers. 

He kept his promise, and watched out for the bad men. 

Nothing would hurt Ellie. 

He wouldn’t let it. 

Ellie tiptoed past the doorframe the next morning. She carried her blankie with her from the bed, still half-consumed in the blanket burrito she’d slept in. Joel tried not to let the sight own his heart, failing with flying colors. She was so precious. And she owned him, whether she knew it or not. 

“C’mon,” Joel tutted, taking a step in front of Ellie, leading her on. “We’re okay. ‘T’s just you and me here, kiddo.” 

Ellie batted her large, toddler-eyes at Joel, thus melting him. “Pwomiss?” 

“I promise,” Joel’s voice was a soft hush. He waggled his fingers then, pretending she’d be able to grab them, and she followed him down the steps. 

Ellie’s eyes peeked anxiously around every corner of the first floor. She searched the rooms for invisible men and shrank a little under phantom pops. Finally, she was convinced it was really just Joel and her, and she settled. 

“Hey. You want to play?” 

That got Ellie right out of her shell. 

Joel lay flat on his back on the floorboards. He caught glimpses of Ellie in his peripheral vision, and smiled. A toy stethoscope, formerly Sarah’s, hung around her neck now. The only white shirt of his they’d been able to find absolutely drowned her. She knelt down beside him, very professional-like, and sighed. 

“I’yve been working fowevur,” Ellie lamented, feigning the tire of an actual doctor as she began to assess Joel’s symptoms. His lips tugged beneath her. He wondered where she’d heard that. “Joyl,” She noticed. “Yuyr supposed to be unconshus!” 

“Sorry,” Joel drawled, and then closed his eyes. His smile remained on his face. The wrinkles beside his lips from his smile had returned in the last few weeks. “Go on now, kiddo.”

Ellie refocused. She took the stethoscope from its place around her little neck and hovered it above Joel’s chest. He waited patiently. “The payshent duzn’t have a heart-beat!” He chuckled underneath her. 

Fast thump-thump-thumps sounded through the house. 

Joel opened his eyes at the sound, and watched Ellie run to the kitchen. She returned with a pair of oven-mitts, swallowing her arms up to her elbows. She rubbed them together as if they were electric paddles and then held them above his chest, letting herself believe he wasn’t air. “Cwear!” 

Joel pretended to react when Ellie pushed the mitts down. He feigned a breath of life, and then opened his eyes, already cracking a smile. She giggled in success, and then threw her oven-mitts off, pleased. “He’z awive!” 

“Good job, Dr. Ellie,” Joel praised. Ellie grinned, content. No grownup had ever wanted to play with her before. He was almost better at it. He had more practice. 

There was a noise outside. 

Some critter scurrying around the house. A squirrel, maybe. 

But Ellie’s spine straightened like a beam. She popped up like a prairie dog and searched through the windows, the grin she’d been wearing a moment earlier absolutely gone. “Ellie,” Joel shushed beneath her. “Hey, hey.” He sat up, entering the corner of her gaze. “Look at me, honey. Look at me.” 

With a small whimper, Ellie swiveled her gaze. Joel physically shrank under the sound. Meanwhile, she didn’t even notice she’d made it. “Hey,” Hey repeated softly. “It’s just you ‘n me, okay? No one’s out there.” 

“But… sownd,” Ellie pointed to the windows. 

“C’mon,” Joel lectured softly. “I bet it’s just that bunny that hangs around the porch. Hm?” Ellie followed the logic, and then shrank a little. That made sense. He offered a gentle attempt at a smile. “You’re okay,” He soothed. “Just a little bunny.” 

“... juwst a bunny,” Ellie repeated back to Joel. 

He nodded. “You got it.” 

After a few days, it became clear to Ellie’s little mind that the bad men weren’t coming back. Instead, she realized that she was here to stay. At least, Joel hadn’t said otherwise. 

Did she have a home now? 

A person? 

Ellie’s eyes stole glances at the door with the flowers on it every day now when she walked up and down the hallway on the second floor. She also made more drawings now, because Joel made her hang every one up like they were gold. She’d never had anyone want anything she’d made before. She’d never had anyone want her before. 

“... Joyl?” 

Joel lowered his gaze to the top of Ellie’s head. He sat beside her on the porch steps. Dusk lit the evening horizon, and above that, the beginnings of stars. She watched each of the constellations with a little smile; he watched her with his own. “What, kiddo?” 

“I… iyf I’ym staying herwe, duz that meen yuyr my daddy now?” 

Joel braced like the question was a slap, because it terrified him. What if he was someone’s daddy again? Would he fail her? Again? Let her slip through his grip, that of which should’ve protected her? 

“I don’t know, Ellie,” Joel was honest, like his daddy had never been, like he’d tried to be with Sarah, and Tommy. 

Ellie gave a little shrug. “It’z okey.” Joel’s features softened against her face. “I juwst liyke being herwe.” 

Joel wished he could hold her. In his heart, he did. “I’m glad, kiddo.” 

“Nobawdy’s evur been nice to me wike yu,” Ellie admitted, picking at the wildflowers by her sneakers. Joel watched her softly. His heart squeezed when he realized the tears billowing in her eyes. 

“Hey, hey,” Joel soothed. 

“Yuwr just weally nice, Joyl,” Ellie sniffled. Joel managed a smile, though the rest of him was melting. 

“That ain’t anythin’ to cry about,” Joel shushed. “C’mon.” He ached to lift his finger to Ellie’s cheek and brush away the tears he’d find underneath, but unfortunately he was air.

“I didint think anybawdy wiked me,” Ellie sniffled again, this time breaking Joel’s heart. 

“Ellie,” He shushed. “I like you, sweetheart. I like you so damn much. You hear me?” 

Ellie mewled. The sound pierced Joel like a spear, like she’d been waiting patiently her whole damn life for someone to tell her that. He shrank an inch. “Ohkay,” She echoed, half-crying still. He let his arm fall down over her shoulder in response, surprising both of them with his sudden, tangible weight. 

His heart and his body almost seemed one in the same now. 

If that was true, he was even more afraid. 

Ellie cuddled herself underneath Joel’s arm, and reminded him of how worth it she was. 

Joel bounced Ellie on his knee as the sun set to the west. The porch waned underneath him. Again?, it seemed to ask, because it’d seen this image before, only now the head of hair against his chest was brown instead of blonde. 

But just as small. 

Joel brushed his fingers over Ellie’s hair, unsure of when he would become air again. She snuggled against him, and bought him at least another minute. 

His heart and his body seemed to be the same now. 

And his heart was her shadow. 

Ellie’s name was strewn across the bathroom wall in plastic, toy letters. The bullet-holes that had barely missed the bathtub weeks ago had torn through the shower-curtains. There were only a few, and she didn’t notice them, much to Joel’s relief. 

Time was leaving Henry and Sam behind. The house kept on without them, as well as its inhabitants. Eventually, they’d be ghosts, like Joel, only more invisible than him. 

Ellie was covered in one of Sarah’s bathing suits. An old one, with brightly colored planets and constellations sewn into the fabric. She’d lost her mind when she’d seen it. And it’d just been sitting for dust in twenty years, so… 

Joel was slowly becoming gladder to unbox Sarah, piece by piece; to unbox himself. 

“Joel,” Ellie babbled as she played with her large, inherited collection of bathtime toys. 

“Mm,” Joel hummed in acknowledgment. His eyes followed her softly, his gaze gentle and weightless, like she was the most precious thing in the world.

“Did yu have horsez?” Ellie let the small, plastic horse in her even smaller hands gallop across the warm, bubbly bathwater. Joel listened to her imitate their sounds with a chuckle waiting in his throat. 

“I did,” Joel confirmed. “S… Sarah loved ‘em.” Old habits died hard; he’d found her name still stuck behind his throat in the last few days. But he’d been speaking about her in the last few days, for the first time in two decades. “She remembered every one of their names. Even though they were always comin’ and goin’.” 

“Sarruh,” Ellie babbled her name. Joel’s heart sewed itself to the word, painted in her little voice. “I bet she wood’ve been niyce to me,” She decided.

Joel knew how rare that was in Ellie’s little life. He felt his heart squeeze in his chest. “I know she would’ve been,” He confirmed softly, his eyes hanging on her wet face as he said it. “You deserve it,” He nudged after. 

Ellie didn’t say anything. The smile that claimed her face said enough. She returned to her toys then. “Horsiz,” She babbled again, playing. 

Joel swaddled Ellie up in a warm towel and they went to bed. 

It was a week later when a truck appeared on the road. 

Immediately, Joel realized it. The tire-swing whined underneath him, Ellie’s little feet kicking back and forth atop the rubber. His eyes missed the plucked dandelion she tucked behind her ear, his attention instead snared by the truck. A plume of dust chased after it. He couldn’t help but think how familiar it looked. 

Fuck.

“... Joyl,” Ellie fussed, tugging the swing when he stopped pushing her. She noticed the quiet and found his eyes, then followed his gaze to the approaching truck. 

Amid the sight of the truck, Joel noticed the immediate tension that filled Ellie’s frame; her little fingers clenched against the swing until her knuckles turned white. His heart sagged. “Joyl,” Her voice was scared. “Iz it the bad men?” 

Joel’s heart clenched at the idea. “I don’t know,” He admitted, much to Ellie’s fear beneath him. She gave a small fuss, and then stood, ready to run inside and find a spot to hide. 

“C’mon,” Joel confirmed. He wasn’t so surprised anymore when his fingers managed to actually tie with Ellie’s. His body followed his heart now, and his heart followed her. 

Little, panted breaths fell from Ellie’s lips as she rushed up the steps to the second floor. The truck outside had stopped, replaced now with big, heavy, close footsteps. She yanked open the first door she saw, not noticing how it was the one with the flowers. 

Joel’s feet hesitated in the doorframe. His eyes wandered over the room for the first time in twenty years. The dust on every surface was thick and undisturbed. He heard Ellie give a little cough as she dashed underneath the cover of the bed. He managed a step after her, but nothing more. 

Ellie realized how stuck Joel was. And then she realized that she’d opened the flower-door. Sarruh. An apology started over her face, one that he instantly began to dismiss, but then the footsteps downstairs thumped even closer, and she disappeared completely underneath the bed. 

Joel appeared by Ellie’s side a few seconds later. There was an ample amount of room under the bed, as the mattress rested high up. A bedskirt hid both of them away from the footsteps, growing closer. 

Joel felt Ellie’s little arms manage to wrap their way around one of his. Shh, he wanted to whisper, but he couldn’t risk the noise. It’s okay, he tried to transcribe, settling his palm over the top of her with gentle weight. She tried to snuggle into his side, scrunching up more and more underneath each approaching footstep. 

The door whined. 

Someone had noticed it was ajar. 

Joel felt Ellie hold her breath against his side. His heart clenched, and he brushed her head again, trying his hardest to soothe away the tears he could see brewing in her eyes. The bad men, she listened to the footsteps inside the same room as her. The bad men are here. 

A thud sounded right in front of the bed. 

Ellie’s fingers twisted in Joel’s shirt. She hid behind his bicep, and hoped it would stop the pops that she knew were coming. The holes that had been left in the bodies that he buried. Bad men, she chanted in her thoughts, afraid. Bad men-

“Hello?” 

A voice sounded beyond the bedskirt. It was gentle. There was a subtle twang to the word, a ‘cowboy voyce’, like Joel had. Still, the voice meant nothing to Ellie, even if it didn’t necessarily sound like a bad man's. 

Beside her, Joel had straightened. 

Tommy? 

Joel waited. 

“Is anybody under there?” 

Tommy, Joel confirmed, his heart lurching but also falling with relief at the same time. No bad men. Only his hermanito. 

A hand lifted up the bedskirt. 

Ellie scampered back, and met the gentle eyes that stared back at her own. It was quiet for a few moments as they both stared at each other, surprised by the other’s presence. The wariness on Tommy’s face disappeared at the sight of the smallness of her face. He’d thought there was a burglar, maybe. Instead, he’d found a toddler.

Joel watched the interaction, glad. No more waiting on a stranger to come along. This was the best case scenario. His baby brother, who’d treated Sarah like his own. His eyes found Ellie with a soft gaze. He would take good care of her. 

“Hello, little miss,” Tommy greeted gently. “And who are you?” 

Ellie wetted her lips. Tommy noticed her fingers seem to clench around nothing in particular before he returned his gaze to her little face. “I… I’ym Ellie,” Her voice came out shy. 

Tommy sat down on his heels, immediately stolen by that little voice. Like his brother had been, unbeknownst to him. “Hi, Ellie,” He offered out his hand. The curl of Joel’s lips was invisible to him. “My name’s Tommy.” 

“Tomasito,” Ellie repeated before she even remembered that Joel had told her the name. Little brothur, she remembered next. She lifted her gaze up and checked his face for confirmation, which he gave. 

Some of the tension in Ellie’s frame dissolved. Not all of it. 

A smile flickered over Tommy’s face. “¿Hablas español?” 

Ellie returned the question with that empty-headed, toddler stare. Tommy chuckled after. No, then, he answered his own question. How’d she know that name? It felt like weight underneath the roof of this house, his brother’s house. 

Only Joel had ever called him that. 

“How old are you, Ellie?” Tommy nudged. His voice stayed in that calm, gentle tone; it seemed easier in this room, his little niece’s. 

Ellie counted on her fingers. Tommy watched with a trailing heart. “Foyur,” She finally decided, holding her fingers up as proof. 

“That’s a big age,” Tommy praised. A smile curled over Ellie’s lips. She sat proud. “Ellie. Can you tell me where your mommy is?” 

The kid tilted her head like a damn puppy. 

Joel watched the adoration wash over his brother’s face. Like looking into a damn mirror. Ellie giggled suddenly, drawing either of their warm-brown eyes. Tommy smiled. “Why’s that funny?” He nudged. 

“‘Cause Joel alwayz asks me that,” Ellie giggled again. 

Tommy’s face dropped. Joel’s heart lurched across from him. He studied his brother’s face, and watched as he did the same thing with Ellie’s. “‘Joel?’”

Ellie noticed the sudden shift. Her smile blinked. She shrank a little then, and pulled herself into a ball. “... diyd I say sumthing bad?” 

“No, no,” Tommy shushed the thought away like Joel would’ve. “You said Joel,” He repeated calmly, gently, chasing away the doubt in Ellie’s heart. His brother watched, grateful. “Do you know a Joel, sweetheart?” Confusion painted his face. 

Ellie bobbed her chin. “He’z right here,” Her fingers clenched around nothing. Tommy watched the air that she’d gestured too. Joel stared back at him, frowning. “Joel,” She tugged his shirt. “Cayn’t yu see him?” 

“No,” Tommy managed. His voice was stuck in his throat now. He stared at the empty space, and hung on Ellie’s every word. “Did you see some photos around here, sweetheart? Is that how you know Joel?” 

Ellie’s brow furrowed. “No,” She pouted. “He’z right here,” She said again, tugging nothing. “Joel. Make him see yu.” 

Tommy retreated an inch. He felt a chill rushing over the hairs on his neck. He didn’t know how, he just knew that some part of Ellie was telling the truth. He didn’t know how. He just knew that his brother’s eyes were staring back at his own. “Joel?” 

Tommy looked over the room, unnerved now. This is fucking insane, he chastized himself. Still, he didn’t stop looking for his brother’s face. “Joel,” Ellie repeated in a whine. Her eyes hung on air. “Yes, you cayn.” 

Jesus, it was like the kid was having a conversation. 

A conversation with Tommy’s dead brother, who’d been gone nineteen years. Still, he found himself staring: waiting. 

“Joel,” Tommy nudged. He was standing now, and searching over the room, trying to place the weight that he could feel against his face, like a gaze. “Ellie,” He sought her out again. “Hey, can you tell me somethin’ about Joel? Somethin’ only you know.” 

Jesus, Tommy was just going crazy. 

Letting himself hope against hope, just for the mere idea of being able to see his big brother’s face again. 

The kid had probably just seen photos around the house. Joel’s name on various objects. She was probably just going a little stir-crazy, being in this big house all by herself when she was so little. 

“He sayz yu used to put newz papur in your shoez,” Ellie giggled. Tommy stared back at her behind bright eyes. She turned her head then, like someone was whispering in her ear. “Becauze yu wantid to be bigger.” 

Ellie giggled again. 

Meanwhile, Tommy stared, holding his breath without realizing it. No picture could tell her that, no name. “How do you know that?” He rushed forward an inch, incidentally spooking her. 

Ellie fussed and hid behind a sudden shadow underneath the bed with her. Tommy squinted at it, and then realized it was a chest. And arms and legs. And a face. 

His brother’s face. 

His dark eyes and the hints of a beard that he’d never bothered to shave. The warmth in his eyes. The gentleness that he had hid in every time their father hit him. 

“Joel,” Ellie presented happily, still clinging onto his sleeve, barely measuring up to his shoulders. 

Tommy felt a breath leave his throat. He wasn’t sure if it sounded like anything, if he’d managed his brother’s name. He just gaped as the mirage of his brother emerged from Ellie’s hiding spot under the bed, and then he sank into the embrace that followed. 

“Joel.” 

Weight. 

The ghost of his brother had weight. 

Tommy swore that he felt Joel’s arms against his own. He felt the fabric of his shirt, and tried to convince himself he wasn’t dreaming. “What… how the fuck,” He ignored the little gasp that Ellie gave by their feet. 

“... bad word,” She tugged Joel’s pant leg, the little snitch. 

“Joel,” Tommy repeated in a croak. He separated them then, and tried not to go manic at the feeling of his hands resting against his dead brother’s shoulders. “How the fuck are you here? How the fuck am I looking at you?” 

Just saying it out loud seemed crazy. 

Joel let out a breath. A breath. “I don’t know,” He admitted, stealing the air in Tommy’s lungs with just three words. “I don’t know.” What else was there to say? In what world would this ever make sense? 

Joel felt Ellie hug onto his leg. He dropped one of his hands down to cup her head then. “It’s a long story," He clawed for words. Including her, the gesture added gently. 

Tears swarmed Tommy’s eyes, blurring Ellie’s little image underneath both of them. He pouted then, feeling like nothing more than the little boy that had grown up under this same roof, the one who’d run to his big brother’s bed when the Wyoming thunder got too loud. 

“Hermano mayor,” A sob threatened to follow Tommy’s words. “Estás aqui,” He pushed himself back into his big brother’s arms. “¿Cómo carajos estás aquí?” 

No entiendo. 

Joel held his brother for the first time in twenty years. “Lo no sé,” He returned gently. Tears threatened to claim his face, too. He didn’t feel Tommy in his arms, not the forty-year-old man, anyway. He saw his baby brother, who’d barely measured up to his shoulders. And he felt Ellie, hugging onto his leg. 

“Ella,” Joel theorized in a breath. “Lo no sé. Cuando ella vino.” 

Tommy sniffled against his brother’s shoulder, and then found the sight of the kid by their feet. She returned his gaze, playing nervously with his big brother’s pant leg. “Ella,” He repeated, laughing through a sob. 

Before too long, the feeling of Joel’s weight began to fade. Tommy separated them, suddenly terrified to lose the brother he’d just gained back. “It don’t last,” His brother explained, almost flickering now. “But I ain’t gone.” 

Tommy fought to understand. His brow furrowed, and he shifted. “Tell me everything.” 

Chapter Text

Ellie hid behind Joel’s leg for the first minutes after Tommy arrived. The weight of his flesh was fading underneath her, and she fussed, drawing his gaze halfway through their ongoing conversation. Tommy watched the softness in his brother’s eyes, placing it immediately. Death hadn’t changed him. 

Tommy still couldn’t believe that he was looking at his big brother, his dead big brother. Who could? Maybe he’d crashed his truck on the way here. Maybe he was just dreaming. He half expected Sarah to walk down the stairs next. No. She wouldn’t. 

“Joel,” The name felt foreign on Tommy’s tongue. He’d done his best to bury the memory of his dead brother, and his little niece. Now, he was looking at him. “How the hell are you…” He watched his brother’s pant leg clenched in Ellie’s tiny hands. “... you’re tellin’ me you’re dead,” He narrated grimly. 

Joel nodded slowly. Neither of them dared to face the last living memory they had of each other, not with Ellie scribbling in her color book at the same damn table. “Weren’t anythin’ more than air until…” He glanced her way. “... until she came.” 

Ellie’s eyes perked up. Me? Her little face read, though she almost immediately grew bored, and returned to her book. 

Joel felt himself flickering. “Still ain’t,” He added. “Not for very long, at least.” He brushed his thumb over the top of Ellie’s head while he could. She giggled, blind to the fact that she’d melted both the brothers with the sound. 

Tommy’s eyes left Ellie’s little face. He glanced over the house, and remembered every time he’d come here since his brother’s death; the visits had gotten sparser over the years, the goodbyes he thought he’d said to no-one more raw. Still, he’d never sold it. “You were… were you here the whole time?” 

Joel frowned. He recognized the accusation in Tommy’s question. “I didn’t want you comin’ back here,” He suddenly fled from his brother’s eyes, their warm brown gaze weighed heavy with sorrow. “Ain’t no place to waste your time.” 

Disagreement stormed across Tommy’s face. “You wouldn’t have been alone,” He fought, failing to smooth over the hoarseness in his voice. 

Joel sank his eyes again. He found Ellie then, staring up at him, done with her coloring book. A pout sagged over her face suddenly, and he didn’t know why. Then he felt her fingers passing through his sleeve: air again. 

“Joel?” Tommy straightened in his chair. He tilted his eyes over and realized Ellie, seemingly still meeting his eyes. “Sweetheart, hey,” She cooed at that name. “Where’d Joel go?” 

Ellie pushed out a huff. “He dissapeerz,” She lamented, pouting. “But he’z still here.” She tilted her head like a damn puppy, again claiming both of the brothers, unbeknownst to her. “Cayn’t yu see?” 

Tommy’s heart sagged a little. “No,” He admitted. 

Ellie found Joel’s eyes. “Joel,” Tommy watched her lecture the air, presumably his older brother, a smile tugging at his lips; there was so much fire in her, only four years old. “Don’t be shy,” She fussed. 

Bossy, Tommy’s lips curled. 

“He sayz it’z hard,” Ellie turned away from the empty chair beside her.

“What’s hard?” Tommy nudged. 

“Making see,” Ellie explained like a toddler. Tommy was used to translating; his heart tugged with memories of Sarah, and his own little girl, waiting for him at home. Sofia. She’d wanted to come with him here. But, Jesus, she was barely four years old. 

Ellie’s age, Tommy realized softly. Too young to deal with all of the ghosts in this house. He hadn’t known they were real until today.

“I guess he duzn’t have practiss,” Tommy refocused on Ellie’s little voice. He watched her color a dinosaur inside her book. “It’z alwayz just me.”  

His brow furrowed. “‘Always just you?’”

Ellie nodded her head all the way up and all the way down, like a kid. “Sam was my frend,” She disclosed randomly. “But now he’z outside.” 

Joel felt his heart fall by Ellie’s side. He watched her behind soft eyes, and made himself nauseous with the way that she was recalling the bodies outside while also filling in a coloring book at the same time. 

Tommy seemed to understand that he’d heard only a glimpse of something much darker. “What do you mean, honey?” He pushed gently. 

Ellie’s eyes darted up fast and then fell to her dinosaur again. She fidgeted inside her chair. “The bad men came,” Her voice became smaller. “Joel sayd they made Henry and Sam like him.” A disappointed pout tugged her lip. “But they don’t come see me.”  

Ellie didn’t realize the shift in Tommy’s face. He only shared a glance with the empty chair beside her, imagining the sad, worried eyes that he could feel looking back at him.

“Ellie, how long have you been here by yourself?” 

Ellie smiled like Tommy had told a joke. “Joel’z here,” She disagreed.

“Right,” Tommy pretended to agree. Pretended like the only company inside this house wasn’t air half the time. “But how long have you been here, hon’?” 

“Mm,” Ellie dropped her crayon, thinking hard now. “Two,” She decided. 

“Two weeks?” Tommy hoped, but Ellie shook her head. “Two months?” She nodded her head then, and he felt his heart sink. He didn’t need to see his brother to know the lecture he’d be getting right now. 

Take her. 

Get her out of here. 

Get her away from me. 

“Ellie,” Tommy asked softly. She looked up at the gentleness of his tone, a curl spreading over her lips. He was nice, like Joel. He reminded her of a big teddy bear. “D’you think you could go on and run upstairs so I could talk to Joel now?” 

Ellie’s face scrunched, like Tommy was gonna hog Joel. He smiled. “Five minutes,” He bargained. “Okay?” 

“Four,” Ellie crossed her arms over her chest. 

Tommy chuckled. “Four,” He agreed. 

“Go on now,” Joel nudged beside Ellie, invisible to Tommy. She nodded dutifully, and then disappeared up the steps with fast, little footsteps. It wasn’t long before he reappeared at the dining room table. 

“Joel,” Tommy let out a breath. He still wasn’t used to seeing his brother’s face again. He refocused then. “She-” 

“She can’t stay here,” Joel finished the sentence. “I know.” He bowed his eyes down to the dinosaur in Ellie’s book. A smile curled over his lips. She never colored inside the lines. 

Tommy watched the adoration in his brother’s face and thought about how he’d seen it before, and how it’d ended. The scar in the side of Joel’s head wasn’t there. A small gift from death. “How’d she get here?” 

“Walked,” Joel answered. “From Thermopolis.” 

“Walked?” Tommy repeated. “Joel, that’s almost a full day,” He stressed his doubt. “That girl barely measures up to my knees.” 

“I know,” Joel frowned. His voice was low. 

Tommy read the look on his brother’s face. “What made her run that far?” 

Anger rolled over Joel’s face like thunder. “Her foster daddy,” The words felt nauseating in his mouth as he remembered the rest of what Ellie had told him. It showed on his face, louder than words. “I don’t gotta tell you, do I?” 

Tommy’s eyes misted over. He held his arms over himself without realizing, the entire time imagining his own little girl, just as small, waking up to a man in her room in the middle of the night: walking for hours all by herself. “... Sofia’s her age,” He whispered softly. 

Joel’s eyes shone. “Sofia?” 

Tommy managed a smile. “She’s four now,” He disclosed. “I love her so damn much, Joel,” His teeth gleamed with the might of his smile. “She’s so smart.” A chuckle fell from his chest. “I don’t know where the hell she gets it from.” Maria, he realized immediately after. “I wish you could meet ‘er. Y’all would be thick as thieves.” 

Joel’s wrinkles creased with a smile. “I’m sure,” He granted gently. He leaned forward then, refocusing on his the little girl upstairs. “You’re a good dad, Tommy. I don’t gotta see it to know.” He struggled against the sentence that left his chest. “You would take good care of her.” 

Tommy’s eyes softened. He let his gaze wander up the steps, trailing after the little girl that had clambered up them. “I… I gotta talk to Maria first,” The words left his lips, though no real commitment to them followed. That girl melted him like she melted his brother. She deserved a good home. 

And he knew he had one waiting. 

Tommy listened to the quiet of the house. He lifted his eyes then. “Has… has Sarah ever-” 

“No,” Joel read the question on his brother’s face without him needing to say a single word. His eyes fell to the table. “I waited. Tried so goddamn hard to leave here for her.”

“You can’t?” Tommy pushed. 

Joel shook his head. “That’s why…” He cradled his breath in his chest. “... if she were anywhere, I think she’d still be there,” His eyes were wet. “... like how I’m stuck here.” 

Tommy mirrored the despair on his brother’s face. The idea that Sarah, their Sarah, his little niece, was stuck forever in the same field she’d been murdered in was almost too much; almost as much as the idea of the man that killed her still drawing breath, even if it was in a six by eight foot box. 

“I’m… I’m hopeful it ain’t like that, though,” Joel murmured. “... Henry and Sam never came back, and they died here.” His heart sagged a little. “... I died with a sin,” He muttered then.

Maybe that’s why I’m like this. 

And they ain’t. 

She ain’t. 

They hadn’t done what he had.

He couldn’t even kill himself right. 

God was laughing at him somewhere. 

Tommy just sighed. “What happened to ‘em?” He pushed softly, trying his hardest to move past the memory of finding his brother in a bloody puddle just upstairs. He’d seen war, bodies. Seeing his own brother’s had scarred him more than anything else. And his niece’s. “Henry and Sam?” 

“Found the wrong type of people,” Joel shrugged. He rubbed his palm over his face, trying to brush away the exhaustion underneath. “... Ellie was damn near ten feet from ‘em when it happened.” 

“Christ, Joel,” Tommy murmured softly. 

“She can’t stay here,” Joel repeated, despite how his heart was complaining against his own words. “I can’t… I can’t touch her half the time. Can’t hold her. If those men’d found her, I wouldn’t have been able to do a damn thing.” He terrified himself with the image. 

“I know, Joel,” Tommy agreed sadly. “But… Christ, I don’t think you could get that kid fifty feet away from you. She’s damn near attached at the hip.” 

Like Sarah was, the sentence followed quietly.

“I know,” Joel mourned, because he knew part of it was just because no one else had ever cared about Ellie. The first time anyone paid her the attention she deserved, she clung to him. “But you gotta take her. Make her forget about me. Make it so she never knows any of this happened. Just give her a normal life. Please, Tommy.” 

Tommy’s eyes shone. “What about you?” He pouted, much like the little kid upstairs waiting for him. “You’re not… you ain’t breathin’, but you’re still some type of alive, Joel. You’re still here. I can’t leave you like this, all alone here-” 

“You’re gon’ do just that,” Joel argued. “You did good, not comin’ back here the last few years.” Guilt painted Tommy’s face. “You’ve been happy. You had a little girl of your own. You keep doin’ that, and do it for her too, and y’all let me go.” 

Tommy parted his lips, but a thump upstairs interrupted him. They both looked upstairs, and frowned simultaneously at the space-themed, fuzzy socks disappearing up the steps. 

Ellie claimed the spot underneath Sarah’s bed again. Tears brewed inside her eyes, threatening to spill over her freckled cheeks, and she sniffled. She’d been listening from the top of the steps, to each word. She didn’t want to go. She didn’t want to leave Joel. What if he got lonely? What if he missed her? 

Gentle knocks wrapped against the flower-painted door. 

“Ellie?” 

Ellie curled up tighter inside herself. She watched a finger lift up the bedskirt behind large, sad eyes. She felt a small relief that it wasn’t Tommy. She liked him, but he wasn’t Joel, who stared back at her now with a sad, gentle gaze. 

“Hey,” Joel shushed at the sight of Ellie’s wet, freckled cheeks. “What’s goin’ on, kiddo?” 

Ellie sniffled again. “You sayd I coud stay,” She fussed. 

Joel’s features softened. “Ellie,” He frowned. 

“I don’t wanna go,” The tears in Ellie’s eyes swarmed and spilled down her cheeks. “Joel,” She made his name a whimper, tearing his heart out in the same second. “Pwease don’t make me go,” He joined her under the bed.

“Ellie,” Joel soothed. 

“Pwease,” Ellie fussed again. She tried to cling onto Joel’s shirt, but he was only air, and she passed right through him. A displeased whimper slipped from her lungs. 

“Shh,” The sound ran past Joel’s lips. “Shh, sweetheart.” The pure strain in his heart, listening to Ellie’s little sniffles, manifested physically and let him put his palm down against her hair. Her fingers scrunched in his shirt. “Ellie,” He soothed. “Listen to me, honey. Hey.” He lifted her chin up and let it settle on his finger.

“You promissed,” Ellie sniffled. “You sayd I wouldn’t go.” 

Joel swallowed down the sudden shift of his heart. “I know,” He admitted in a throaty tone. “But I wouldn’t be doin’ it if I didn’t know it was the best thing for you.” He brushed his thumb over her little chin. She snuggled into him, upset. “Tommy’s gon’ take you out of here, and he’s gon’ take such good care of you.” 

“I don’t waynt Tommy,” Ellie wept. 

“You will,” Joel soothed. “All you need is some time to forget me.” He tried to offer a gentle smile, but failed. Ellie pouted up at him. He frowned, and pressed his palm against her little cheek. “Listen to me. You’re so smart, and so kind. You’re such a good girl, Ellie. And you deserve a life out there, where you can get every damn thing you want. You don’t wanna waste your time here like me.” 

“I do,” Ellie cooed. 

“You don’t,” Joel chuckled wetly. “And you’ll understand when you’re older.” He amused himself with the annoyed groan that Ellie let out beneath him. He lowered his head then, and pressed a kiss against her auburn head. “I promise.” 

Ellie just fussed again, and tucked herself underneath the flickering weight of Joel’s arm. Her tears smeared against his shirt. “... the bad things are out there, Joel,” She whimpered. “... they’re gonna get me.”   

Joel felt his heart break inside his chest. “Nothin’ is going to get you, Ellie,” He spoke through the sudden lump in his throat. Jesus Christ. “What are you afraid of?” 

The answer scrawled itself over Ellie’s face. Joel’s softened in response. “Ellie,” He mourned. “Your foster daddy ain’t gon’ come anywhere near you.” His voice was softer than it’d ever been. “You’re goin’ with Tommy. He won’t let anything happen to you. Do you hear me?” 

Ellie didn’t settle. 

She wasn’t big enough to have the words that would match this fear. 

But she was just scared. 

“C’mere,” Joel soothed. He scooped Ellie up and held her against his chest. She melted into him, her little fingers clenching inside the fabric of his shirt. He rocked them. “Nothin’ is goin’ to happen to you,” He chanted like a lullaby. “Nothin’ is goin’ to get you.” 

After a sad amount of time, Joel felt Ellie settle. She believed him. And the idea of leaving was beginning to take grip in her little head, only because she knew they weren’t giving her a choice. “... what if he doesn't wayunt me?”

Joel shook his head. “He’d be an idiot not to.” Ellie just sniffled against his chest. “Now, you give him trouble, you hear? But not too much.” 

A mischievous smirk tried on Ellie’s face, despite the tears on her cheeks. “Am…” It whittled away. “... am I gonna have a mommy, too?” 

Joel’s heart clenched. “Yeah, honey. You are.” He brushed a stray, wild hair behind Ellie’s little ear. “Her name’s Maria. I haven’t met her, but I know she’s real smart.” His lips curled. “And I know you won’t get away with as much with her,” He whispered smugly, which made her giggle. 

Ellie cuddled suddenly into Joel’s side. His expression softened, and he held her closer, trying to remember her little face, her voice. He didn’t know how many more years he’d be alone once Tommy took her, how long it’d be until this was all over. All he could do was trust that he’d give her a good life. This little oasis of theirs was over.

It’s for the better, Joel chanted as he stroked his thumb over Ellie’s little head. It’s for the better. He shut his eyes, and felt her settle into his side. They both sat in the last few minutes they had before neither of them ever saw each other again.

She’s going to be okay. 

Joel watched Ellie begin to doze off against him, her cheeks still wet with tears. 

That’s all that matters.

Slowly, Joel began to be nothing more than excited for Ellie, glad she’d have a loving home: the closest thing to a mom and dad she’d ever had in her life. Hell, a sister. A bed her size. Toys and new clothes. School. 

Joel smiled. He was excited for Ellie, now more than anything else. 

That’s all that matters. 

Ellie still hid behind Joel’s phantom leg a little while Tommy helped her pack. She didn’t have enough clothes to pick and choose, so their mutual priority was her ‘stuffies’, as she called them. 

“Which ones do you wanna bring, hon’?” Tommy waited, kneeling in front of the wicker basket that held Ellie’s meager collection of stuffed animals; all she’d bothered to take with her from her foster father’s house. 

“H… how menny can I?” Ellie hung her thumb from her mouth, anxious. 

“However many you’d like,” Tommy shrugged. “Got plenty of room.” His heart shifted at the way Ellie’s eyes lit up, despite herself. She tiptoed closer to the wicker basket. “Who’s your favorite?” He tried to help her decide. 

“I always get wun when I get new parints,” Ellie disclosed. Every time her social worker dumped her in front of a new front door, she’d get a complementary stuffed animal. It didn’t make it feel better, but she liked how soft they were. She had so many. “I like him the most,” She admitted, grabbing and cradling a large, soft teddy bear. “Do… do yu wanna know his name?” 

Tommy’s heart squeezed. “‘Course I do.” 

Ellie’s lips curled. “Bear.” 

“Bear,” Tommy echoed, smiling under the simplicity of the name. “That’s a good name.” Ellie squirmed happily underneath the scrap of praise. “Bear should have some friends,” He nudged then. “Who else do you want to take, honey?” 

Joel watched as Ellie introduced Tommy to each and every one of her stuffed animals. He let her take every one of them. 

Tommy assembled each of the soft plushies in the backseat of his truck. Ellie giggled as he strung the seatbelts over each of their tiny chests. The smile flourished on her face as he walked her back inside, until slowly their pace slowed, and she realized it was time to say goodbye. 

Her smile vanished. 

Joel’s heart sank at the immediate tears that welled in Ellie’s eyes. “Hey, hey,” His heart sank with him as he knelt to her level. “C’mon. You’re goin’ to a good place, sweetheart. A really good place. Okay?” 

“Why cyan’t yu come?” Ellie whimpered. 

“You know why,” Joel shushed softly. “But you don’t need me. You got Tommy and Maria, and they’ll take real good care of you.” His body granted him one last chance to hold her. He brushed his palm over her little head, and melted at the way she pushed herself closer. “I’m really proud of you, Ellie. Do you hear me?” 

Ellie’s lip quivered. “Cayn’t yu try?” She pleaded. Joel’s heart sank. “Maybe yu can leeve now,” Her voice wavered. “Please, can yu try?” 

Joel shook his head. “This is where I stay, Ellie,” He denied softly. 

“Joel,” Ellie wept. He frowned at the tears spilling down her freckled cheeks. “Pleez,” She grabbed his hand, refusing to let go. “Pleez don’t leeve me. I cayn be better.” It was like she stuck a knife through him. Even Tommy braced, watching the scene. 

“Ellie,” Joel shushed. His brows were drawn together with protest. His heart hung heavy inside his chest. “Listen to me, baby, hey,” He pressed his palm against her cheek, catching her doe-brown eyes. “You don’t need to be better. That ain’t what this is. Do you hear me?” 

Ellie just sniffled, and thought about all of the stuffed animals in the truck outside, a physical manifestation of all the times she’d been given up. Joel followed the thought on her face with a bleeding heart. 

“You’re a good girl, Ellie,” Joel soothed. “You’re everythin’. But you can’t stay here,” He shook his head. “Not with me. Okay?” 

“No,” Ellie fussed in protest, feisty as ever.

Joel managed a sad smile underneath his wet eyes. “Tommy’s gon’ take good care of you now,” He found his brother’s gaze, and led him on to take Ellie’s hand. “You’re a good girl,” He talked above her sudden protest. “Remember that.”

Ellie fussed, and grabbed out for Joel, but she passed right through him, no longer anything more than air. Tommy’s eyes claimed the same, sad look as hers did beneath him, but still he took her hand and began leading them away. “C’mon, honey,” He encouraged softly. “We’ve gotta go.” 

“Joel,” Ellie fussed. She ducked her eyes under Tommy’s arm and searched for his face, but he’d already disappeared. Her heart plummeted inside of her tiny chest. “Joel,” She knew he was still there, just hiding, just air. She fussed again, but he didn’t come. 

Betrayal lit Ellie’s eyes. 

It speared Joel, who didn’t let her see him.

“Ellie,” Tommy soothed. “Hey. C’mere, honey.” Ellie sniffled as he picked her up, though almost immediately after she circled her arms around his neck and cuddled closer. His heart melted against her. “It’s okay,” He shushed, rocking her gently like he would his own little girl. “It’s okay. We’re gon’ take a drive now.” A sniffle snuck from his chest. “Hey. You wanna ride with your stuffies? Hm?” 

Ellie shifted a little at that. “Mhm,” She sniffled against Tommy’s chest. 

“Okay,” Tommy soothed. He positioned Ellie on his hip as he opened the backseat of his truck. Sofia’s car was still waiting in the back. She fit into it like a puzzle piece. “Hey,” He grabbed what he remembered to be her favorite stuffie. “You want Bear to sit with you?” 

Ellie’s eyes lit up a little at the sight of her puppy. She nodded, and then cradled it against her chest, settling a little. “Tommy,” He lifted his eyes away from the door. “... he’z all alone,” She pouted. 

Tommy’s eyes inherited Ellie’s sadness. “I… I know, honey,” He murmured. She watched him after, waiting for any comfort, trusting him enough now to give it. “Look at me. The best thing for Joel, the best thing… is knowin’ you’re headin’ somewhere better. I bet he’s smilin’ right now.” 

“Promiss?” 

“I promise.” Tommy offered a gentle smile, and then let the mask slip when Ellie’s eyes fell to her puppy. “We’re gon’ head home now, honey. That sound okay to you?”  

“Okay,” Ellie finally agreed, her tone still glum. 

Tommy didn’t take it personally. “Okay,” He echoed softly. He checked each of the buckles on Ellie’s car-seat one last time, and then sealed her behind the truck’s door. She watched him reappear in the driver’s seat a moment later. The truck rumbled as he started the engine. 

“... bye bye,” Tommy heard Ellie’s little voice from the backseat. His heart sagged inside his chest, and he spared a glance into the rear-view, savoring one last look at the house. 

Bye-bye. 

Joel watched the truck move down the road. His heart ran after it, claimed in Ellie’s little hands. Meanwhile, the rest of him was still chained to this house. Before long, he couldn’t see them anymore. And the house was quiet again. 

Joel had forgotten what quiet sounded like. 

He hated it. 

But he didn’t want Ellie back. Not with anything more than his heart. 

She’d be happy now. 

And that was enough for him.

It had to be.

Chapter Text

The tears on Ellie’s cheeks dried as the miles grew from the farmhouse. The afternoon, country sun soothed her in the backseat like a soft blanket. Tommy spared gentle glances at her through the rearview mirror until finally, her eyes were closed and she was asleep, still hugging her precious bear plushie. 

Joel’s kid. 

Tommy tried to scrub the label away in his mind. Ellie was his to look after now. He’d given Joel his word, and he wasn’t breaking it. He understood how much he’d been trusted with. Besides, she was precious. Three feet and two inches of space facts and giggles. His heart melted for her the minute he saw her, like his brother’s had. 

Tommy knew Ellie would make Maria swoon, too. They’d been talking anyway about trying for another, once Sofia grew out of her diapers, and she had. Maria also worked with foster children. She knew better than him what they’d be saving Ellie from. 

Tommy’s stomach twitched at the memory of what Joel had told him about Ellie’s last placement. Her foster father. We’ve got you now, he promised the little face in his rearview mirror.

He just had to get them home. 

Ellie stirred briefly at the feeling of the truck coming to a stop. It was a few hours later now, and nighttime claimed the Wyoming sky. Pinpricks of stars blinked amid the black. She blinked back at them, and wondered if Joel was looking at the same ones. Her little heart missed him. 

“Hey,” Tommy knocked gently on Ellie’s window. The neon lights of a gas station lingered outside the safety of the truck. “Dinnertime,” He undid her carseat with gentle fingers and then scooped her up against his chest. Missing Joel, she snuggled into him. 

“Don’t tell Maria the first meal I gave you was gas station food,” Tommy attempted a joke, his tone soft. “Deal?” 

A little breath fell from Ellie’s nose, and she stuck out her pinky. Tommy smiled too, then intertwined his finger. “Pinky promiss,” She cooed. 

Jesus, Tommy smiled against the top of Ellie’s head. He’d sure gotten lucky with the kid his brother had given him. “... you ‘n Sofia are gon’ give me hell,” He murmured to himself. 

God, Tommy didn’t stand a chance against them. 

Ellie dozed off again once they got back on the road. Low country music spilled from the radio, and made Tommy think of Joel. He imagined how full of life the house had been the last two months with her there. He imagined how quiet it was now, and dead, like his brother. A ghost in an empty house. Forgotten again. 

Ellie’s fingers clenched onto air in her sleep. 

Like Joel was still there. Maybe just hiding. 

Jackson’s mountains hid in the darkness, the sky-scraping walls of rock and snow completely invisible. He spotted the lights some miles out, and started wondering which details he was going to leave out to Maria. He wasn’t going to ask Ellie to lie to her. But he imagined how she’d react to their new kid constantly talking about his dead brother. 

Maybe Maria would believe that Joel was just an imaginary friend. He let himself huff at the thought, amused. 

Tommy had moved from one ranch to another. He’d just downsized a little. The house was made up of soft, baby-blue siding. A gentle collection of vines hugged onto the metal; he hadn’t torn it down yet, only because Sofia loved the critters it attracted. Warm light bloomed from the windows. 

Ellie frog-blinked and stared groggily through the windshield as Tommy came around to collect her. The house looked so… warm. It was a far cry from her typical placements: dilapidated roofs that looked like they’d collapse any minute, thick walls that would muffle the yelling yet to take place inside. Here, it looked like there could actually be a family. Love. 

What was that like? 

Ellie’s little palms started getting clammy as they first entered the house. She was yet to meet her new mommy, Maria. What if she didn’t want her? She imagined stepping inside, getting just a glimpse of what a loving home looked like, and then being sent out again. She didn’t want that. 

Tommy noticed the tense, little grip on the pant leg of his jeans. His heart softened at the sight of how straight Ellie was standing suddenly, like she was about to be presented. “Hey,” He lowered himself down to her level. “Maria’s gon’ love you. Okay? Don’t be nervous.” 

Ellie tried to listen. Still, her grip on Tommy’s pant leg didn’t waver. Especially as the sound of footsteps started down the staircase, spurred on by his call. A woman appeared at the top of the steps. Her skin was dark, like her eyes, which looked kind. Her hair fell down over her pajama top in thick braids. She looked groggy. 

Maria narrowed her eyes, and found the little toddler hiding behind her husband’s leg. “Tommy,” The tire left her. “What am I looking at right now?” 

Tommy pressed his palm against the top of Ellie’s head. She peeked behind his knee, and anxiously met Maria’s eyes, whose expression softened against her little face. “Who is this?” Her tone was gentler now. 

“Ellie,” Tommy brushed his thumb over her hair. “Hey, you wanna introduce yourself, honey?” He was trying to get just a word out of her. 

Ellie’s little brow furrowed. “What’s that?” 

Tommy’s lips tugged. Maria’s too. “Say hi,” He nudged in a hushed tone, as if Maria couldn’t hear them. It made Ellie smile, a little bit. Hesitantly, she lifted her eyes and found Maria’s face; all she found inside it warmth, and patience. Nothing that she was used to.

“Hi,” Ellie peeked out from behind Tommy’s leg. Her fingers still kept their grip on his denim; he was the only piece of Joel she had anymore. 

“Hi,” Maria returned softly. She spared an inquisitive glance with Tommy above her before kneeling down to Ellie’s level. “Your name’s Ellie?” She received a little bobbed nod in response. “And how old are you, Ellie?” 

A gentle smile claimed Tommy’s face as he watched Ellie count on her fingers, just as she’d done with him. “Foyur,” She eventually calculated. 

“Wow,” Maria praised softly. Ellie squirmed happily underneath the compliment. Maria lifted her eyes again then, and sent another questioning look Tommy’s way. He nodded, and reclaimed Ellie’s hand. 

“Hey, Ellie, I bet it’s past your bedtime, huh?” Tommy brushed his thumb over the smallness of her palm. She shrugged, unsure. She’d never really had anyone give her a bedtime before. No one had ever cared enough. “Well, let’s get you set up,” He nudged. “Lord knows you’ve had a long day.” 

Maria saved that remark for later questioning, and then followed on Tommy’s heels as he led Ellie up the steps. She climbed up each one like the toddler she was. Maria watched behind her, her heart already claimed, her mind full of questions. Tommy kept sparing her small glances. 

Later, they pleaded. 

Okay, her silence granted. 

Joel was the only one who had ever put Ellie to bed before, though most nights he’d never been able to hold her. Tommy held her. With gentle arms, he lowered her into her bed, another guest room for now, and then tucked her into the soft blankets. Maria watched from the doorway. 

“All snug?” Tommy quizzed gently. Ellie felt so warm. She’d never felt so warm before. The glee on her face said enough. “Good,” He offered a smile. “You’re safe here, sweetheart. Just get some shut-eye now. Okay?” 

“Shut-eye,” Ellie babbled the word. 

Tommy offered one last smile. “Goodnight, honey.” His fingers found a nightlight waiting on the wall on his path towards the door; Sofia was afraid of the dark, so they filled the house. Ellie cooed in delight, and then turned over in her bed. In mere seconds, she was asleep. 

Maria was waiting in the doorframe. “... Tommy,” She questioned in a whisper. 

“... downstairs,” Tommy nudged, wary of the first toddler sleeping over their shoulder, and the second right down the hall. 

Maria sat beside Tommy at the kitchen table. Her eyes searched him across the polished wood. “Where did she come from?” There was confusion in her voice, but no anger. As he’d predicted, Ellie had won her heart already. Still, he’d shown up with a toddler in the dead of night. She had questions. 

“My… my brother’s house,” Tommy admitted. He bore his eyes into the coffee mug between his palms and tried to plan how he’d survive this conversation without sounding like a lunatic.

“Joel’s?” Maria questions. 

Tommy nodded. “He sa…” He caught the words on his lips. “She must’ve snuck in there at some point,” He continued, ignoring the very deserving squint Maria cast his way. “There was some canned food ‘n things there. Runnin’ water. Reckon she’s been holed up there for a few months.” 

“Months?” Maria gaped. “Jesus, she’s four years old.” Stress painted her face. It was a miracle that little girl hadn’t starved, or died of thirst. How did a four-year-old figure out a can-opener? “Where are her parents?” 

“I don’t know,” Tommy shook his head. “But she couldn’t tell you what the word ‘mommy’ means, Maria.” Nausea painted either of their faces. Tommy’s moreso, because: “She… she told me she ran away from her foster father’s.” Maria matched his expression. “I don’t know the whole story. Just know whatever happened scared her bad enough to walk from Thermopolis to Shoshoni.” 

“That’s almost a full day,” Maria repeated Tommy’s initial reaction, sharing his same horrified tone. “... four years old,” She murmured again. “S-” 

“Sofia’s the same age,” Tommy finished, grimacing. “I know.” He leaned forward and found Maria’s hand. She pressed her fingers against his knuckles. They both found solace in the other’s grip. “Maria,” He asked. “I… I brought her here ‘cause-” 

“I know why you brought her here,” Maria shushed. Her mind was already made up. Tommy’s eyes went soft against her face. He loved her so much. “We’re not putting that baby back in the system,” She declared, her stomach turning just with the thought. A four year old having to run away from her father’s house in the dead of night. 

Absolutely not. 

“Ellie can stay in the guest room for now,” Maria was already forming a plan. “You love a project.” She smiled against Tommy’s face. “We can make it more her age in the next few weeks. Right now, we should just get her settled. Let her realize this is home now.” 

Both of them smiled at the sentence. At the word ‘home’. It’d turned from a discussion into a real thing, their new toddler sleeping upstairs, across the hall from their first little girl. 

Weight sank over Tommy’s face. “Maria,” He watched his fists. “I… I promised ‘er her foster daddy would never get her again.” He lifted his eyes then, questioning. 

“He won’t,” Maria vowed. Venom lined her eyes. Sharing it, Tommy knew if that man ever showed up, they would bury him in the backyard and never tell a soul. “I’ll sort it all out tonight. Fill out all the paperwork.” She ran her fingers through his hair as she passed. “That way we can tell Ellie in the morning that she’s home.”

Again, they smiled. 

“How do you think Sophia’s going to react?” 

“You jokin’?” Tommy’s lips tugged into a grin. “You know, she broke down cryin’ to me the other week because she wanted a sister so bad.” He remembered the meltdown with a smile on his face. He’d been chuckling then, which she’d fussed at him for, which had only made him laugh more. 

“They’ll own me by the end of the week,” Tommy warned as he went up for bed. 

“Oh, I know,” Maria drawled, already working on making their new toddler theirs. 

Ellie woke up the next morning in a warm bed. Winter had fallen over Wyoming, so it’d grown cold in Joel’s house the last few mornings. Not here. A big metal box in the corner of her room spilled out heat with a soft, hissing sound. She perched before it with her blankets still burrito’d around her shoulders. Her hair sat messy from a night’s good rest. 

It wasn’t so bad here. 

Ellie didn’t know what Tommy made. Pan-cakes. She just knew she loved them, and the chocolate chips he hid inside. She also got to meet her new sister over breakfast. Sofia giggled at her from across the table. Her hair was dark and made up of wild curls; small clips hid inside, shaped like beavers. She filled breakfast with noise. 

“Did she come from Mommy’s belly?” Sofia tilted her head curiously. 

“I didn’t,” Ellie furrowed her brow. 

Maria and Tommy shared an amused glance across the table. “If yu didn’t come from Mommy’s belly, are you still my sister?” Both of the girls turned their heads then, awaiting the same answer. 

Tommy’s lips tugged. “She is,” He granted. “Ellie’s stayin’ with us now.” She met his eyes across the breakfast table, like it was news to her. He offered a gentle smile. 

Sofia giggled in delight. “I asked them for one,” She leaned in close, thinking that meant only Ellie heard her: she talked a million miles a minute, in a rather loud tone. “For my burthday.” 

Ellie smiled back. She wasn’t as chipper as Sofia. Not that she wasn’t excited, she was, but she was much more used to having a new sister or brother practically every week: new parents, too. “What’z your birthday?” She chirped curiously. 

Sofia’s eyes fled to Maria, who smiled. “November sixth, baby,” She answered as she began cleaning up their plates. “When’s your birthday, Ellie?” 

Ellie tilted her head, like she was suddenly deep in thought. Tommy’s features softened against her little face. Before she even said it, he knew: “I dunno.” She shrugged after, like it was the littlest thing. 

Sofia’s eyes were wide. “You down’t know when your birthday is?” 

“Sofia,” Maria warned from the kitchen. 

“¿Qué dijimos con las preguntas, hija?” 

Ellie just shrugged, not realizing the importance. Wasn’t a birthday just that? A day? She hadn’t been let in on birthday songs or cakes, wrapped presents or parties with smiling children. A day all about her. “I know Sally Ride’s birthday,” She volunteered randomly. 

“Whoos that?” 

“An astronaut,” Ellie answered through a mouthful of pancakes. She squared her shoulders, making herself taller. “I’ym gonna be like her when I grow up.” 

“I’ym gonna be a cowboy,” Sofia declared in response. “Like Daddy.” 

Maria and Tommy both smiled at both of their girls’ sureness. They didn’t doubt either of them. And already, their house felt fuller, like it’d been missing something and they’d only just realized it now once that something had arrived. 

Tommy drove Sofia to school after breakfast. Maria had taken the day off of work to stay behind with Ellie, as she would until she started going to school, too. Maria’s time working with foster kids paid off now. She knew how important it was for Ellie to have stability, time to get used to her new home as it was.

Ellie needed to know she was safe, more than anything. 

Maria showed Ellie all of the paperwork she was filling out. She also found out that Ellie loved to sit in her lap as she worked: she loved cuddling, only because she’d gotten it so little in her short life. “Is thayt my name?” Her little finger pressed against one of the sheets of paper. 

“That is,” Maria confirmed. “And this is mine,” She pointed to another scribbled line of text. “And Tommy’s,” Her finger moved again. 

Ellie squinted down at the clump of paperwork. “Does this mean my fawstur daddy can’t take me?” 

Maria’s heart squeezed. “That’s exactly what it means,” She promised. “Once this paperwork is all done, it’ll go to a judge. Do you know what that is, honey?” Ellie bobbed her little head. “They’ll make someone come and check our house. They’ll probably ask Sofia and you some questions.”

“Will they ask me abowt him?” Ellie’s gaze fell to the polished, hardwood floor, and the soft, warm carpet laid atop it; it hid there. 

“They might,” Maria admitted softly. “But they can’t make you answer any questions that you don’t want to, Ellie. Only say what you feel comfortable telling them. Alright?” 

Ellie offered a small fuss. “Okey,” She still eyed the ground. “... are you sure he cyan’t get me?” 

Maria frowned. “Has it been a problem before, Ellie?” 

Ellie hid her focus in the adoption papers, shying away from Maria’s gaze. “He made Rilee dead,” She confessed in a toddler’s voice. The fading image of Riley’s face flickered in her mind. Every day, she remembered her best friend less. “I told awl the grownups. But he sayd she drownded. But Rilee knowed how to swim. I don’t.”

Maria’s heart lived in her stomach. “Did you see what he did to Riley, sweetheart?”

Ellie nodded her head. “He squeezed her neck real hard,” She recounted calmly, not realizing the seriousness of her own words. “Then she nevurr woke up.” 

Maria watched Ellie behind a horrified expression. “Oh, baby,” She mourned. “Come here.” She pulled Ellie against her chest and wrapped her up in safe, loving arms. Ellie clung back, though her eyes remained on the adoption papers on the table. She wanted them to be real so bad. “No one’s going to hurt you here, sweetheart. Do you hear me? We’ve got you now.” 

Ellie didn’t respond, only snuggled suddenly into Maria’s chest. Her arms cradled her in response, which made Ellie settle. “Hey,” She nudged. “You know what all this paperwork means?” 

“What?” Ellie pouted. 

“It means you’re home.” 

Home. 

Ellie thought of Joel. 

The next few days were peaceful and uninterrupted. Ellie was so unused to the tranquility, though she adored it. The walls didn’t shake with angry voices, and they didn’t have the silhouettes of fists in them. She had her own room, her own space. Tommy had already gotten her a comforter with spaceships on it. She liked spaceships. 

It meant something that Tommy had bothered to remember that. 

He was good like Joel.

And they loved Sofia so much. 

Ellie didn’t know parents could love that much. 

Ellie listened to the hushed voices from the open-crack of her door. Shadows painted her room, save for the warm blossom of light coming from her moon-shaped nightlight. She squirmed contently under her blankets, and soothed herself under the bedtime story that Maria and Tommy were putting Sofia to bed with. 

“Goodnight, moon,” Their voices were so soft against her little ears. “Goodnight cow jumping over the moon.” 

“... can cows really jump over moons, Daddy?” 

A soft set of chuckles jumped over from across the hall. Gentle and tender, and everything Ellie had never known two months ago. “What do you think, sweetheart?” 

“... I think they cayn,” Sofia decided, her voice heavy with tire. 

“Then they can,” Tommy answered softly. He watched the delighted smile that painted Sofia’s face until it slipped away, claimed by her slumber. Maria shared the fondness in his eyes. 

Ellie listened to the resounding quiet, wondering if they’d gone to bed. She didn’t let herself pout against her space-themed pillow. She was used to it. Sofia was their real daughter. She was the monthly check. No. Maria and Tommy were nicer than that. But still, she wasn’t the same-

A gentle trilogy of knocks sounded against the door. 

Ellie met Maria and Tommy’s gaze behind dark, curious eyes. “Hey, honey,” Maria greeted warmly. “Can we come in?” 

Ellie didn’t realize she had a choice, though she immediately knew what her answer was. She bobbed her little head, and watched Maria and Tommy come past the door with gentle feet. He filled the toddler-sized chair waiting by her bedside. She giggled at the image, melting either of them with the sound. 

“A… ayur you gonna tell me goodnight too?” 

Tommy and Maria’s eyes betrayed them. Yes, they pleaded, but still, they gave her the choice again. They wanted her to know that she had control over what happened to her. In this house, at least. “Would you like us to?” 

“Yes,” Ellie’s eyes betrayed her now too. 

“Okay,” Maria offered a smile. “Do you want to help me pick out a book to read?” Ellie squirmed out of her blankets and joined Maria in studying the small bookshelf beside her bed; already, space books and paper spines silhouetted with dinosaurs were beginning to fill the shelves. “How about this one?” 

Maria pressed her finger against a book with an indigo cover painted with stars. A raccoon lent down on the front, kissing its cub’s palm. Ellie agreed with a pleased nod. 

Joel used to read it to her. 

Maria sat on the edge of Ellie’s bed. Ellie snuggled her chin into Maria’s forearm while Tommy and she took turns reading. She felt so safe. “‘Chester Raccoon stood at the edge of his forest and cried. ‘I don’t want to go to school,’ He told his mother. ‘I want to stay home with you. I want to play with my friends and swing on my swing. Please, may I stay home with you?’” 

“Mrs. Raccoon took Chester by the hand and nuzzled him on the ear,” Maria felt Ellie snuggle closer to her as she said that. The same warmth that filled her face showed on Tommy’s. “‘Sometimes we all have to do things we don’t want to do,’ She told him gently. ‘Even if they seem strange and scary at first. But you will love school once you go.’” 

Ellie’s sleep-lined eyes followed the pictures in the book as Tommy took it. “‘You’ll make new friends. And swing on new swings. Besides,’ She added. ‘I know a wonderful secret that will make your nights at school seem as warm and cozy as your days at home.’” 

Tommy put a voice on for the raccoon, which made Ellie giggle. “Chester wiped away his tears and looked interested. ‘A secret? What kind of secret?’” 

Ellie planted her chin deep into Maria’s side, and felt gentle fingers comb through her unkempt hair in response. “‘The Kissing Hand,” Tommy read. “‘What’s that?’” He made his voice higher again to represent the cub, again making her giggle, though it was sleepier this time. 

“‘Mrs. Raccoon took Chester’s left hand and spread open his tiny fingers into a fan. Leaning forward, she kissed the center of his palm.” 

Ellie’s eyes lifted up from the illustration on the page. Maria met her large, dark eyes, and smiled. Then she took Ellie’s little palm, and pressed a kiss there just as the mother in the book had. She giggled contently under the feeling, then squirmed under her blankets. 

Tommy continued. “‘Now,’ She told Chester. ‘Whenever you feel lonely and need a little loving from home, just press your palm to your cheek and think, ‘Mommy loves you, Mommy loves you.’ And that very kiss will jump to your face and fill you with toasty warm thoughts.’” 

Ellie fell asleep with her palm pressed against her cheek. As she snored softly in her space-themed bed, she thought of all the kisses Joel had pressed against her head. She tried to feel them now. 

Tommy and Maria both watched her, sharing the same softness that’d claimed their eyes in the room across the hall. “... I’m not moving,” She announced with a smile. Her fingers combed with a gentle place through Ellie’s hair, whose little head was settled against her chest. 

Tommy smiled with his whole face. “... see you two in the mornin’, then,” He pressed a kiss against Maria’s cheek as he stood. “... goodnight.” 

“... goodnight,” Maria bid softly, not daring to wake the toddler in her lap. She lowered her gaze then, and fell asleep against the sight of Ellie’s little face. 

The house felt so much more full. 

The next day, it would feel empty again. 

Ellie woke up to what’d become an unfamiliar sound: arguing, muffled through the walls. Her little heart sank inside her chest as she roused herself. Were Maria and Tommy fighting? She saddened at the thought, and then conjured something even more horrible. Were they yelling at Sofia? 

Ellie slipped out of her toddler bed and rushed to eavesdrop. Sofia’s door was ajar as she bolted by. Her new sister was fast asleep in her own little bed, and none the wiser to the raised voices downstairs. 

Ellie sat at the top of the steps, and recognized Maria’s voice downstairs. The other voice was a man’s, but his accent was flat and unfamiliar. It wasn’t Tommy. Was someone else here?

“He absolutely shouldn’t be here. He is not coming inside this house.” Maria sounded so angry. Ellie hoped it wasn’t about anything she’d done. “I don’t understand. I have worked with specifically children inside the system for fifteen years. She would have two parents here, a sibling. And you want to put her somewhere you know she’s run away from in the past?” 

It was too many big words all at once for Ellie to understand, but still she knew it was about her. Holding her breath in her chest, she tiptoed down the steps and found the kitchen table full. 

Tommy found Ellie’s eyes almost immediately; the pure softness inside them caught her attention. It looked like pity, almost. Sadness. Beside him, Maria was still embroiled in an argument with the unfamiliar man sitting at their kitchen table. Wrinkles lined his face, matched with receding gray hair and sagging skin. A cross hung around his neck. 

“Maria,” Tommy killed the argument. She glanced his way, then found Ellie waiting by the steps. The same softness filled her eyes. 

“Ellie,” Maria made her name sound sad. 

Ellie shifted her weight underneath how weird everything felt. She eyed the man at the table, and panicked a little at how familiar he looked: not him specifically, but he looked like every social worker she’d ever met. She returned her gaze to her new parents. “... awr you getting rid of me?” 

Tommy and Maria’s faces fell at the question. He raised himself from his seat and crossed the distance between Ellie and him. She watched him with a caution that hadn’t been there last night. “No one is getting rid of you, Ellie,” He shushed, scooping her up into his arms. 

Ellie hung her arms around Tommy’s neck. She leaned into him, and again watched the social worker at their kitchen table. He could feel the tension in her little frame. “C’mere,” He rocked her slowly. “It’s okay.” 

Maria caught Tommy’s eyes across the room. It certainly wasn’t okay. But he didn’t have the heart to tell Ellie that. 

“Can’t you see that she belongs here?” Maria rekindled the argument in a softer, exasperated tone. The social worker just stared. “With us?” Her eyes darted towards the window with the speed of a dagger. The coldness of her gaze whittled down the silhouette of a man standing on their porch. “We filed all of the proper paperwork. You are not giving our child to that man.” 

“She isn’t yours,” The man droned. “Look, on paper? You don’t have court-appointed visitation. Prior to last week, he was her full legal guardian. He still is. He has prior foster experience. He knew the biological mother. He was very concerned when she ran away, he followed up many times-” 

Ellie felt a huff leave Tommy’s chest. “You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me,” He growled from across the room. Despite the rage in his voice, he still rocked her, gentle as ever. 

“I’m very serious.” The social worker pushed back a clump of paperwork Maria’s way, presumably Ellie’s adoption papers. “It’s not a definitive no. Apply for visitation. Show the Court that you really care, and they’ll give her right back. Right now, they prefer him.” 

Ellie smeared her cheek against Tommy’s shirt. Who were they talking about? She found his eyes. The pure apology that was written in his face made her worry. Three knocks sounded against the front door then, and she turned her head. 

Tommy felt Ellie stiffen like concrete against his chest. She stared, paralyzed suddenly, at the man looking back at her through the glass panes of the front door. Her foster-father. David. His razor-like, pale eyes whittled into her. She didn’t realize that she wasn’t breathing until Tommy nudged her. 

“Hey, hey,” Tommy’s voice was soft, but not enough to pry away the overwhelming dread suddenly spreading through Ellie’s entire body like veins. “Sweetheart, breathe,” He rubbed his palm over her back, trying and failing to get her to just take in one breath. She was physically frozen inside his arms. “Ellie. Look at me.”

Tommy shared a sad glance with Maria, and then carried Ellie up the steps, putting that man out of her sight. He felt her hold herself to him as tight as she could in his absence, still holding her breath like he’d hear. 

“Ellie,” Tommy tried to let her down on her bed, but she refused to leave his grip. “Okay,” He relinquished softly. “Just look at me. Look at me, sweetie, hey.” He moved a deep breath out of his lungs, holding her eyes the entire time. “Can you do that?” 

Ellie whimpered a little as she shook her head. Her knuckles were white, her fingers twisted tightly in Tommy’s shirt. “You can,” He shushed. “You can. We’ll do it together, okay?” He rubbed her back as he breathed again. “Just look at me. Just do what I do.” A trembling breath fell from her nose. 

“There you go.” Tommy praised. Meanwhile, Ellie whimpered again, and then smothered her face inside his shirt. He felt a wetness spread against his shirt as she cried. “I know,” He mourned. “I kno-” 

“Pleez don’t let him take me,” Ellie whimpered, muffled. He listened with a sad, furrowed brow. The promise he’d given Joel hung over him just as much. He’d been asked to do this one thing, look after this precious kid, and in one week he’d lost her. “Pleez, Tommy.” The wobble in her little voice drew him back. “Pleeze. Pleeze.” 

Joel hadn’t told Tommy anything specific about why Ellie had run away from her foster-father. The insinuation had been enough. Now, he didn’t know whether or not he regretted that, because she was terrified. She was trembling, just after seeing him behind a thick, locked door. 

And they wanted to give her to him. 

To let her stay in that house alone. 

How did he stop it? 

“This ain’t permanent,” Tommy soothed. “Listen to me. We’ll get you back as soon as we can-” 

“Pleez,” Ellie whimpered again. “I don’t wanna go.” Maybe if she begged hard enough, they could keep her. She knew that they wanted to. She knew this wasn’t their fault. But she also knew that she belonged again to the man downstairs. She imagined the bed she’d run away from the first time, his hand creeping over her bare spine. 

Ellie didn’t hear her own whimpers. Tommy heard every one. 

“... where’z Joel?” 

His heart broke inside his chest. 

“Ellie,” Tommy mourned. “Listen to me, sweetheart. C’mere.” He managed to peel her away from his chest, instead sitting her on his leg and rocking her slowly. Her fingers still clung inside his shirt. “I know you don’t want to go. More than anythin’, I wish I could make you stay here with us. But we are going to get you back. As fast as we can.” 

“Can you come wif me?” Ellie pleaded. 

Tommy’s eyes watered. “I wish, sweetheart,” He mourned. “But we ain’t givin’ you up. In a few days, maybe a week,” Ellie’s pout deepened with each word. “You will be back home with us. With your family. I promise.” 

“I don’t wanna go wif him,” Ellie whined. “Pleez.”

Tommy’s heart broke. “I know, sweetheart,” He stroked his palm against her wild hair. “I’m so sorry.” 

“... he huwrt Rilee,” Ellie whimpered. “... he’z gonna huwrt me.” 

Tommy’s brows furrowed. “Ellie,” He mourned. “What do you me-”

“Tommy,” Maria’s voice beckoned from downstairs, clipped. 

Bring her down here, it translated. 

Tommy wetted his lips. Beneath him, Ellie whimpered and tucked herself under the weight of his arm. He forced himself to pick her up and bring her downstairs, like a lamb to the damn slaughter. He grabbed her favorite stuffie on the way out. “You can take Bear with you, sweetpea.” He still remembered the name. 

Ellie held her stuffie close as Tommy carried her down to the kitchen. Her foster-father was still only on the porch, but still, it felt like she was trying to hug his arm off. Her grip was as tight as her little fingers could manage. “It’s okay,” He lied as they approached the table. 

Maria frowned at the wetness of Ellie’s face. “Can’t you see that you can’t let her go with him?” She pleaded a final time. 

The social worker acknowledged the clear terror in Ellie’s entire frame. Tommy’s sleeve bunched underneath her death-grip; she was so small, to him it only felt like a tickle. That was what haunted him, because the man outside was so much bigger. She didn’t stand a fucking chance if anything happened. 

And clearly it had before. 

Tommy imagined if Sofia were to go with that man and it made him want to pummel the stranger standing on their porch until he was only a puddle, as Joel would. 

“Ellie,” The social worker called her name. She stared back, reluctantly. “Hey. Could you tell me specifically why you don’t want to go with your foster father?” 

Almost immediately, Ellie disappeared behind Tommy’s bicep. She couldn’t. She didn’t know why, but she just couldn't get the words to leave the darkest corners of her little mind where she kept them. She didn’t even have the words. She was only four years old. 

“Ellie,” Maria tried softly. “Hey, it’s just us, okay?” She tried to draw Ellie’s little face out of Tommy’s arm, but she wouldn’t budge. She met his eyes, and shared the sadness inside them. “Do you think you could write it down? Could we try that, honey?” 

Ellie fussed and shook her chin, still hiding away in Tommy’s bicep. Maria and Tommy both frowned. She spared a glance towards the social worker, and then made herself lean closer. “Ellie,” She tried again. “Hey. Can you tell him about Riley, baby?” 

Tommy felt Ellie’s grip on him tighten tenfold. “Hey,” He soothed, but she didn’t lift her face out of his shoulder. Each of her breaths dragged out into a whine. A storm billowed over his face. “You can see how fuckin’ scared she is,” He argued softly. “Please, can’t that just be enough?” 

“It’s the Court’s decision,” The social worker denied. “Unless there’s proof of imminent harm, like the child telling me of a prior event herself," His eyes slanted Ellie’s way. “Then she has to go with him today.” 

Across from her, a storm raged across Tommy’s face. Still, he held Ellie with gentle hands, and let her hide behind him for however many more minutes she’d have him. 

“Please,” Maria tried pleading. It didn’t work. 

When it came to actually getting Ellie to walk towards the door, she wouldn’t move an inch. She clenched one fist in Tommy’s shirt and wrapped the other around the edge of their chair and refused to budge. “Ellie,” She made sure she was holding on. “It’s time to go now, okay?” 

“Don’t touch her,” Maria swatted the social worker’s hand away. Her eyes became soft again against Ellie, her little face still planted inside Tommy’s bicep. He looked up at Maria. He couldn’t. He couldn’t move her, the little girl supposed to be theirs, knowing it was only to put her inside that man’s car. “Come here, Ellie.” 

Maria untwisted Ellie’s fingers from Tommy’s shirt, and then the chair, and then lifted her to sit against her own chest. She clung on, terrified. “... cann you read me again?” She tried to bargain another bedtime story, another night here where they’d tuck her in and she’d be safe and sound. 

“Soon, honey,” Maria promised, despite the lump in her throat. She forced her feet forward, and carried Ellie beyond the safety of their front door. Her little body became concrete again with the first glance that her foster-father sent over; he was no longer behind a thick door and lock. She couldn’t stop thinking that. 

“Hey,” Tommy shadowed Maria, and caught Ellie’s cheek against his palm as she walked. “Just look at me, sweetie,” He shushed. “Look at me. C’mon.” She hid inside his gentle brown eyes, and stopped herself from warning him when her foster-father stepped too close.

She shook her head. 

He wasn’t going to hurt Tommy. 

Tommy was too big. 

She wasn’t. 

“You don’t have a carseat?” The venom dripped from Maria’s tone as she addressed David. His skin was tight over his face, like a halloween mask. His eyes were a steely-blue; they always reminded Ellie of razor blades, mainly because they cut into her in the same way. 

David performed a smile. Ellie screwed herself deeper into Maria’s collarbone in response. The smile vanished as soon as Maria turned. She cast a glare the social worker’s way as she stormed towards their truck, passing Ellie over to Tommy. “Are you writing down that he doesn’t have a carseat?” 

Tommy lowered Ellie down into David’s truck, now equipped with a borrowed carseat. Her hands gripped onto the hem of his t-shirt as soon as he tried to pull away. “Tommy,” She protested. Her eyes were foggy and wet with tears. 

“I know,” Tommy mourned. “I know, sweetheart. Let me just buckle you in.” He imagined his brother’s ghost over his shoulder, watching him as he locked the little girl that he’d sworn to protect in a strange man’s truck. I’m sorry, he apologized to both of them. “I’m so sorry.” 

Ellie began crying again. Her little hands twisted inside Tommy’s shirt. “Pleeze,” She hiccuped. “Pleeze, pleeze don’t let him-” 

The front door made a sound as it opened. David climbed inside, and turned his gaze into the backseat. Tommy grimaced as he felt Ellie smother herself in his shoulder. “Shh, sh, it’s okay, alright?” He tried to soothe her. “We’re gon’ see you in a few days, honey.” He stroked her hair. “You hear me? Just a few days and then you’re home.” 

“Ellie,” David interrupted, watching. “Are you done?” 

Tommy lifted his gaze from Ellie’s head and cast a glare into the front seat. “Ellie,” Maria arrived beside him. “Look at us, sweetheart, hey.” She peeked out from Tommy’s shoulder. “We’ll see you in just a few days, baby. This isn’t permanent. Do you hear me?” 

“Purrm… purrmanint,” Ellie repeated. Her voice was shaking. 

Tommy and Maria both tried to put on a smile. “We’ll see you in a few days,” She hushed. “Okay, baby?” 

Ellie made a sound in response, half a hum, half a whine. She was trying to memorize the softness in their eyes: the warmth there. She also clung onto the hand that Maria was offering, and remembered her bedtime story from the previous night. 

“‘Whenever you feel lonely and need a little loving from home, just press your palm to your cheek and think, ‘Mommy loves you, Mommy loves you.’ And that very kiss will jump to your face and fill you with toasty warm thoughts.” 

Ellie still felt Maria’s fingers. Even when they were miles away.

“You sure got a long fuckin’ way. Huh, Ellie?”  

Ellie stared out the window at the distant, desert mountains and wished to become a ghost. That way nothing could touch her.

Chapter Text

The drive away from Tommy and Maria’s was quiet. Blue ridge, desert mountains drowned the backcountry road, making Ellie feel even smaller and more alone. Maybe if she stared out the window hard enough, she could vanish from this truck and be somewhere else. It didn’t work. 

“You walked this whole way,” David applauded from the front of the truck. His voice was airy and old, like a wheeze. It made Ellie cringe. “Aw. Do you really think I’m that bad, Ellie?” 

Ellie didn’t answer. She stared out the window and again tried her hardest to disappear from this truck, but still it didn’t work. Joel, she wanted him. She tried to make his farmhouse appear on the side of the road, but despite how hard she stared, it didn’t work. She was still here. Caged in this truck. With him. 

“We’ll see you in a few days. Okay, baby?” 

Ellie repeated Maria’s voice inside her head. That little name granted her a scrap of comfort, even while she was hundreds of miles away from another living soul. Mostly, she thought of Joel. She wanted Joel. He thought she was somewhere safe right now. How far away was he? 

Ellie searched the road for any hints of familiarity. I cayn run agenn, she hoped. She’d even know where she was going this time: Joel. She made herself look at David in the front seat, then the corn fields all around them. Maybe it’d be easiest now. She watched the door. 

Ellie thought of Riley. Of the big hands she’d seen wrapped around her little throat. The bed she’d run away from also haunted her. How quiet it had been, no one in the house except them. The sound of her own muffled, terrified breath as David’s fingers crept up her spine. She hadn’t been able to get a scream out. Couldn’t move. 

Ellie tried the door handle, but it didn’t do anything. A pale complexion spilt through her face. She could pull it, but still the door wouldn’t move, like the universe itself was laughing in her face. 

“They’re locked,” David was watching from the rear-view mirror. Ellie let her fingers slip away from the door handle. Defeat pooled in her eyes. “I’m not making it so easy this time, Ellie,” His chuckle rang through the truck. “You aren’t getting away from me again.” 

Ellie’s little brows furrowed. That’z not true, she wanted to argue. Maria and Tommy told me that’z not true. It wasn’t true, right? They’d promised. 

The sight of David’s farmhouse wasn’t a welcome one. Ellie glared up at the crucifix that watched her from the top of the house. The paint on the wooden siding was worn and old, like its owner. Cornfields drowned the flat, eastern Wyoming terrain. There was nothing in sight for miles. 

If Ellie screamed as loud as she could right now, it wouldn’t matter. She was too young to be thinking about things like that, but she was. 

An old wooden barn hid behind the main house, the only part of the property that Ellie liked. David had some cows. They’d become her closest, her only, friends anytime she was here. She still remembered her names, since she’d given them. Jupiter, the mama, and her little runt, Pluto. She was proud of that name. 

David unlocked the doors. His fingers hung a second too long over Ellie’s body as he undid each of the buckles on her carseat. She sank underneath the lingering glances. She wanted Joel.

David walked Ellie to the door. He pressed his palm flat against her back as they walked, shoving her along. The front door clicked behind with its heavy lock that she couldn’t even reach. Immediately, whatever mask he’d been wearing fell. He shoved her again, harder. “Get,” He growled. 

Ellie scampered away and hid behind the shelter of a coat-hanger, barely shorter than her. “First chance you get you run your fuckin’ mouth, huh?” She winced at the sound of something shattering behind her. Tiny fractions of a glass jutted by her feet. “Two months. Lord only knows where you’ve been. Sinnin’.” 

Ellie’s little brows twisted with anger. “I wuzn’t,” She denied. 

David’s palm struck Ellie’s cheek with a smack before she could scamper away. She fell back with a yelp, her hand already rushing to the sudden raw spot on her face. “Are you talkin’ back to me?” He stood over her, aware of how much bigger he was. “‘Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.’ Have you forgotten your verses, Ellie?” 

“You’re not my daddy!” Ellie wailed, still clinging to the handprint on her cheek. 

“Oh, is that right?” David growled. He swatted down at Ellie again with his hand, but she scampered away fast enough this time. Her socked feet pounded against the old floorboards as she fled through the house and disappeared out the old doggy door in the back. His roars followed her. “Ellie! You get back here!” 

Ellie kept running. The tall grass whipped her skin as she fled to the barnhouse. Her vision was blurred with hot tears, but still she managed to find the loose plank in the locked, looming doors, so much taller than her. The familiar sound of moos welcomed her inside. She whimpered with relief, and then ran to her only friends. 

“Jupiter,” Ellie sniffled through an introduction. “Hewo.” She climbed up onto the old wood that made up their pen and stretched her palms out to the cows. One was bigger, the mama. The other was still just a calf. “Pluto,” She cooed, stroking behind the calf’s ears. He turned his head joyfully. “You growed.” 

The mama mooed back a greeting, which managed to put a smile on Ellie’s stinging face. “... iz he feeding you?” Her voice shrank with the mention of David. “... hm?” 

The mama brayed again, which Ellie took as a no. Armed with a new mission, she collected what little hay strands waited across the barn’s floor and then stuck it in front of the cows’ faces. They ate gratefully. “There you go,” She cooed. The calf’s tongue slathered over her little hand, making her giggle. 

Ellie watched them, but mostly the door. “I mayde a friend,” She volunteered to the cows. “His name’s Joel.” Her little heart clenched inside her chest with longing; the stinging on her cheek only spurred it along. Joel would never hit her, and he’d bury anyone who did. “He’s weelly nice,” She told them. “And I’m gonna find him agenn.”

Ellie looked over her shoulder and double-checked they were still alone. “... but don’t tell David,” She lowered her voice to a whisper. The cows stared back at her, oblivious, not that she saw. To her, they understood every word. “... promiss?” 

The mama mooed. The calf followed, his more high-pitched. Warm gratitude swarmed Ellie’s eyes. She watched the littler cow cuddle up to his mama then, and thought of Sofia and Tommy and Maria. She missed them. She missed how safe she’d felt there. 

David made hamburgers for dinner. Ellie didn’t catch on. He was watching her the whole dinner, amusing himself with each swallow she made. A practical joke she had no idea she was partaking in. “You enjoy it?” He only spoke when she finished her plate. 

Ellie avoided David’s eyes. The butt of his large palm was beginning to bruise across her tear-dried cheek. “Thank you,” She said what she knew wouldn’t get her hit. 

“You’re very welcome,” David was still smirking. “Y’know, I can’t remember. What’re the names for your friends out there?” 

Ellie stared at her empty plate blankly so that she could watch the peripheral, blurry image of David. “Jupitur,” She mumbled. “‘Cause she’z so big.” That would’ve gotten a smile out of Joel, or Tommy or Maria. But he just smirked with his ashen teeth. 

“And the little one?” 

“Pwuto.” 

David chuckled. Ellie met his eyes. He looked so pleased with himself; whenever he was happy, it was usually at her expense. Finally, she lowered her gaze to her empty plate, and immediately felt its prior contents churn inside her stomach. Understanding overtook her. He smiled at the corresponding horror on her face. 

It wasn’t just the cow. 

Something inside the meat tasted off. 

Tainted. 

“I cut him up in the barn,” David shared happily. A sound fell out of Ellie’s mouth. She rose out of her chair and stood, her limbs stiff like cement. He held her wide-eyed gaze. “He wouldn’t stop screeching the entire time. His mother neither.” The meat in her stomach churned: her friend. She was digesting him. 

“He’s hanging out there if you’d like to go see. He doesn’t got any skin on, though.” 

Ellie felt the cow meat rush back up her throat. She sank to her knees then on the hardwood floor and threw up with a pained moan. David performed a disappointed noise. “Ellie,” He hissed. “You’re wasting him.” 

“I hate yu,” Ellie cried. She wanted to scream at the top of her lungs, but more than that, she didn’t want David to hit her again. Her mouth tasted bitter and acidic. Hints of her friend still hid behind her molars. The tears spilling down her cheeks made the palmprint on her face sting. His poor mama. 

“Well, get used to it,” David gritted back. “You’re stuck here.” 

“That’z not true,” Ellie fought. She was quick on her feet as she did, like she was anticipating the hand that was going to come from across the table. “Maria aynd Tommy want me, and they’re gonna get me back, and then yu’ll nevurr see me again!” 

David chuckled. “Oh, they want you?” He quoted. “Nobody wants you, Ellie. That’s why you’re here.” He shoved the dinner table aside. The plates and glasses on top slid off the surface, making a clatter as they smashed against the ground. Meanwhile, he was left with a clear path forward. “I thought you knew that. Are you stupid? Is that it?” 

“No,” Ellie pouted. “I’ym smart.” 

“Then you realize you’ve just told me I’ve only got you for so long,” David snatched Ellie’s little wrist in his grip before she could run away. She fussed, and tried to screw herself away, but only dug his nails further into her skin. “Glad I gave you that dinner now. Better make the best of it. Huh?” He began to drag her towards the steps. Towards the bed she’d run away from. 

Ellie screamed, and fought harder. She threw her body weight away from David. Then, she went slack, but that didn’t work either. He was just too big. “Quit fighting.” He dragged her up the first step. She thumped against it, hanging against his grip now, which dug into her wrist. 

“Let me go!” Ellie screeched. She kicked against David’s ankles, which did nothing more than piss him off more. His grip left her wrist, and instead tightened in her hair. She hissed in complaint. Meanwhile, they were almost to the top of the steps. She could see that bed peeking from the end of the hallway. “Fuck yu!” 

David spat out a laugh. “Gonna fix that damn mouth of yours,” He promised in a huff. 

Ellie wound her feet back and then kicked as hard as she could. With some luck, David’s knee buckled underneath the impact, sending them both crashing down to the bottom of the stairs. He landed on top of her, but still she was able to squirm her way out. His fingers captured the ends of her hair just as she broke free. 

“Ow!” Ellie squealed. David tore her hair back as hard as he could and sent her to the floor with a thump. Her brain rattled inside her head in response, giving him a few moments to kneel on top of her with all his weight. A pained wail fell from her tear-wet lips. “Get awf!” 

“You want to go right here, Ellie?” David growled atop her. His knee dug into the center of her back with a sharp, painful weight. She couldn’t breathe, despite how she was crying. “You want me to show you what I showed Riley?” She screeched in rage underneath him, but still, she couldn’t even move, much less fight. “You want to end up in a ditch like her? Keep fightin’.” 

For the first time, Ellie complied. She grabbed one of the shattered plates on the floor around them and thrashed it back into whatever she could reach. David roared above her, and grasped at the glass shard protruding his bicep. She scrambled up, given the chance. 

“Ellie!” 

David threw another plate as hard as he could at Ellie’s head. It missed, but the corresponding shatter of the glass caught her bare feet as she disappeared past the doggy door. She yelped, but didn’t let herself stop running. This was familiar now. She’d done this before. She even followed the same path she had last time. 

Ellie ran into the cornfields that drowned the house. “Ellie!” Enraged screams chased after her and haunted the moonlit, cold night. She didn’t know where she was going. She didn’t remember which way it was to Joel’s. She just didn’t stop running. 

The husks of corn slapped Ellie’s face as she ran away. She didn’t know where the field ended. She just knew each step she took was one further from David. Was he sprinting after her as he had last time? The thought made her push to go faster. Little, bloody footprints chased her path. 

Ellie didn’t know how long she ran. By the time her feet touched pavement, the breath in her chest was gone. Short, terrified huffs racked the silence of the night as she looked up and down the road. All she found was darkness. That comforted her. 

“... Joel,” Ellie whispered, scared David could still be hiding in the surrounding fields somewhere. 

Where arr you? 

Ellie hung her thumb from her mouth and whined as she cast her gaze to the left and to the right. Which way? Where was Joel? 

Headlights appeared in the distance down the right side of the road. Ellie’s heart froze at the sight. Without hesitation, she turned tail and began running the opposite direction. Pleez, she hoped. Let anything familiar be this way. Anything safe. She whimpered at that word; she wanted safe. 

The headlights faded after a few more minutes of running. Still, Ellie didn’t stop. She didn’t trust that David would just let her go again. He was coming after her. He couldn’t find her. 

“You want me to show you what I showed Riley? You want to end up in a ditch like her?” 

Eventually, Ellie’s run whittled down to a jog, and then a walk, then finally a limp. Her little feet were stained red underneath her. The breath cycled out of her lungs in exhausted huffs. “Five… five one foyur,” She panted Tommy’s phone number that they’d made her memorize for emergencies. “One foyur...” She whined. “... I cayun’t remember it awl.” 

Ellie swayed herself back and forth as she limped on. The night was black around her, and drowned by fields for as far as she could see; every time she heard even the smallest sound, she tortured herself with the idea of what was hiding in them. “... he’s coming,” She chanted in a whisper to herself. “... he’s coming, he’s coming.” 

Ellie panned her gaze over her shoulder at least every minute. She waited for more headlights to appear at either end of the road. With the blood under her feet, and her now limped gait, she wouldn’t be able to run. She chanted that fact in her head and made herself even more scared. 

“Don’t think about that,” Ellie imagined what Joel tell her. “Just breathe for me, kiddo.” A shaky breath fell out of her lungs, the first real one she’d managed. Just then, headlights flashed on the road behind her. 

Ellie forced herself to start running again, despite how it hurt. A new sense of panic had surged inside her without explanation; in its wake, she knew it was David on the other end of the road this time. She ran as fast as she could manage, making sure to keep out of his headlights. 

Still, David’s truck was getting closer. And closer. 

Finally, when Ellie could feel the warmth of David's headlights, she tumbled into the cornfield and hid from the road. His truck sped past her, fast enough to make her nothing more than a puddle if he’d really hit her. She hid her face in the mud and waited for the sound of his engine to disappear. 

After too long, the night grew silent again, except for the crickets. 

Ellie stayed still for a few minutes, not willing to risk the sound of a mere breath. Eventually, she decided that David was probably gone, for now. She limped out of the ditch she’d climbed in and slowly continued along the road. Her breath began to cloud in front of her as the temperature of the winter night fell further. 

How much longer? 

Where even was she? 

Ellie shivered through another few miles. She practiced what she’d done in the car, hoping and staring as hard as she could just to make Tommy or Maria appear in front of her. Joel, the frozen tears on her cheeks rekindled with his name. Where was he? Was he far? Why wasn’t she there ye-

Ellie realized the familiar, dirt side-road approaching in front of her. She stopped in front of it, dreading the sudden swell of hope inside her chest. She was almost too afraid to continue, too scared to take a step forward just to realize that there was nothing at the end of the path. 

Pleeze. 

Ellie limped down the dirt path, glad to at least be away from the main road. Her heart lingered at the top of her throat with each step. She watched the shadows, and waited for the rusty, metal rooster that stood on the top of Joel’s farmhouse to appear. 

And it did. 

“... Joel,” His name slipped out of Ellie’s mouth. “Joel,” For the first time in hours, she didn’t mind running. “Joel!” 

A small plume of dirt shadowed Ellie as she sprinted to the farmhouse. Tears began again down her palm-printed cheek. In mere seconds, she’d made it to the porch. The old, splintered wood tore against her bleeding feet, not that she noticed. Before she could even reach for it, the door opened for her, and she disappeared inside. 

“Joel?” Tears blurred Ellie’s vision once inside. “Joel? Joel-” 

“Ellie?” A silhouette appeared in front of her. A man’s. Without thought, she jumped into him. Out of need, his hands caught her. She climbed up his chest, absolutely refusing to settle until she was cuddled as deep as possible against his neck. “Ellie, what are you doin’ here? Where’s Tommy?” 

As soon as Joel held Ellie, she was sobbing. “Hey, hey,” When he tried to break them apart, she all but screamed, and he stopped immediately. “Baby,” He spoke to her so soft, and so gentle, and it just made her cry harder because it was everything the last twelve hours hadn’t been. “Ellie. Baby, can you talk to me? Hey, hey. Just talk to me.” 

“He,” Ellie hiccuped the word through her own sobs. “H… he,” Her breath trapped itself in her chest. 

“Hey, shh, shh,” Joel rocked Ellie slowly in an attempt to calm her. “Just take a breath for me, sweetheart.” He brushed his fingers through the unexplainable mess of her hair. “Just breathe for me. Can you do that, baby?” 

Ellie shook her head wildly. “You can,” Joel shushed. “You can, baby. Do it with me, okay?” He pulled in an exaggerated breath. She felt his chest lift underneath her bruised cheek. “Just do that,” He nudged. “C’mon. I know you can” Eventually, he felt her reciprocate. “Now, let go,” She felt him deflate, and then exhaled herself. 

“There you go,” Joel praised, rocking Ellie again. “There you go, sweetheart. Just keep doin’ that. In and out. ‘T’s real simple.” 

“... I’ym not stupid,” Ellie remembered the insult David had thrown hours ago. 

“I know you’re not stupid,” Joel soothed. “Don’t ever think that, Ellie.” She just sniffled, and then reburied her face inside the warmth of his neck. Finally, he realized how cold she was. With no other option, he searched over her for clues as to what the hell had happened. Then he realized her feet, smeared in dirt and blood. 

“Ellie,” Joel uttered. “Baby,” He cradled her head in his hand. “Why are you bleeding? What happened?” 

“He threugh it,” Ellie mumbled against Joel’s neck. Even her breath was cold. “... the plate.”

“Who threw a plate at you?” Joel pressed softly. “Tommy?” Even if the image was incomprehensible in his mind, he was ready to believe Ellie. She came first, before anything. 

“D…” Ellie’s cheeks puffed with any attempt at his name like she was gonna be sick. “... David,” She mewled. “... he made me eat Pwuto.” 

Joel almost didn’t want to know what that really meant. “David,” He couldn’t place the name in relation to her. Then, his breath stopped. “Your foster daddy?” His heart sank as Ellie nodded against his chest. Jesus Christ. No wonder she was so upset. “What happened, baby? What aren’t you with Tommy?” 

“... they took me,” Ellie whimpered. 

“What?” Joel mourned. A sad furrow broke across his face. Jesus Christ, he repeated. Presumably, Ellie had been torn away from two homes, practically in a week. His heart sank inside his chest. “I’m so sorry, baby.” He kept on rocking her. She sniffled against the scruff of his beard, and drew his attention back to how cold she was. “Let’s get you warmed up now. Okay? How’s that sound?” 

“... good,” Elllie mewled. 

“Good,” Joel repeated softly. He grabbed a pair of blankets from the couch and swaddled Ellie inside of them. Finally, she felt warm. Again, she started to cry. “Shh, shh,” He pressed his palm against her cheek. She whimpered for a reason he couldn’t find. And then he saw the hand-print forming on her face. 

Ellie felt Joel tense. “Ellie.” With gentle fingers, he lifted her chin, avoiding the sore spot on her cheek. “Baby, what happened here?” His voice was strained inside his throat, like it was taking everything for him not to raise it. God, anger was probably the last thing she needed right now. “Did he hit you?” 

“M… mhm,” Ellie bowed her eyes. “... I talkded back,” She added after. 

“That does not make it okay,” Joel shot that right down. He pressed his palm gently against Ellie’s other cheek, making sure not to hurt her. She returned his tender gaze with a pout. “This wasn’t your fault, sweetheart.” He brushed his thumb over her freckles. “There is nothin’ in this world you could do that would make it okay for somebody to hit you. Do you understand me?” 

“... I undurstand,” Ellie sniffled. 

“Okay,” Joel made sure. He pressed a kiss against Ellie’s forehead, despite the dirt underneath. She settled into him, though before long, he pulled away. “Let me look at your feet now, baby.” He sat her on his hip as he approached the light switch, though as soon as he reached for it, she pulled his hand away. 

“D… don’t let him fiynd me,” Ellie pleaded. 

Joel’s heart shattered for the millionth time. “Oh, baby girl.” He forgot the lights, instead cradling Ellie back to her place against his chest. She settled into him, and twisted her fingers inside his shirt, and vowed to herself that she was never letting go.“I’ve got you now. I’ve got you,” He shushed her softly. “You’re with me now.” 

Ellie would’ve let Joel rock her forever. But eventually he moved them again, and set her down on the edge of the kitchen sink. “Let me see your boo-boo, sweetheart,” He excused gently. 

“Boo-boo,” Ellie would’ve giggled at the word a day ago. Now, she was sullen. Trembling still. While Joel tended to her, she watched the windows for headlights.

Ellie’s little feet were smeared with blood, and then dirt. If it wasn’t infected already, it would be.“We have to wash these, baby,” Joel wetted a cloth in the sink with warm water. “It might sting some, okay?” He planted her hand against his shoulder. “You just squeeze onto me if you need to.” 

As soon as Joel touched the cloth to the cuts on Ellie’s feet, she jolted. “I know,” He felt his heart squeeze at her corresponding whimpers. “I know, baby girl. Just squeeze onto me. You’re doin’ so good.” Her little fist clenched in his shirt. After too long, they were done. 

Joel swaddled Ellie back inside her blankets, then let her return to her refurbished hiding place against his chest. Her fingers were still twisted inside his shirt. She was still watching the windows. “When did you last see him, baby?” 

“I don’t… I don’t ‘member,” Ellie mumbled. Her eyes were glued to the road outside. “... he’z gonna come.” 

Joel frowned. He’d never seen Ellie so afraid before. “I won’t let him in, sweetheart,” He soothed. “‘T’s a magic house. Remember?” She was just a toddler. A week ago, all she’d been was a toddler. Now, she wouldn’t stop shaking. 

“... h’made me eat Pwuto,” Ellie remembered in a whisper. 

“Who’s that, baby?”

“My fwend,” Tears billowed in Ellie’s eyes. She felt a lump growing in her throat. “He’z a cow.” She remembered his large, innocent eyes staring into her own barely an hour before she ate him. He was just a calf, barely not a baby. “He kiwled him in front of his mama,” Her voice shrank. 

Joel’s features softened. He wasn’t above killing cattle. Hell, he’d been a rancher. He’d fed Sarah cows she’d been friends with. But he wouldn’t fuckin’ tell her that. Not when she was four years old. Not in the way that he was sure David had. He’d done it just to torture her with it. 

And the meat had tasted weird. 

Joel didn’t know that. 

Ellie had forgotten it already. But she was getting droopier. 

Joel just assumed she was exhausted. “I’m sorry, baby,” He kept rocking her. The tears on her face had settled, unlike the rest of her. She was still shaking. She was still watching the driveway. 

I need to get Tommy here. 

Joel searched through the house in his mind. His heart shifted as he realized the only phone he’d find in this house was Sarah’s hot pink flip-phone, still decorated with stickers and glitter and hiding in her drawer upstairs. His first baby, helping his second. Thank you, he thought softly. 

“We’re goin’ upstairs now,” Joel narrated as he brought them up the steps. Ellie hid her face in his bicep, stuck inside the memory of David dragging her up the last set. 

“I fewl funny, Joel,” Ellie’s voice emerged from his arm. 

“How do you feel, honey?” Most of Joel’s focus was committed to Sarah’s phone. He pawed through her desk drawers and almost managed a smile at how easy the hot-pink was to spot, even in the darkness of the house. It was so her. “We’ll get Uncle Tommy right here,” He rejoiced as he grabbed the phone. 

Ellie just mumbled against Joel’s neck. He lowered his eyes. “Ellie,” He nudged, though she didn’t really budge. “Hey. Ellie. Can you look at me, baby?”

Ellie blinked for nearly a minute before finally lifting her head. Immediately, Joel’s focus shifted entirely to her. She hadn’t relaxed since he saw her. A minute ago, she’d still been trembling. Now though, she was perfectly settled against his chest. He watched her eyelids droop. 

“Hey,” Joel brushed his thumb over Ellie’s cheek. “Hey, hey.” With great effort, she forced her eyes open. “Are you tired, honey?” 

“Mm,” Ellie mumbled in agreement. Her eyes drooped closed for another few moments, which felt longer than they were. 

“Ellie,” Joel drew her back again. Worry had claimed his dark brown eyes. “Hey, do you know if you hit your head at all?” 

“He… he hiyt my head,” Ellie didn’t understand. The breath seemed to crawl in and out of her lungs now, for a reason she didn’t know. 

“Ellie.” Joel sat Ellie down on the sofa. His worry deepened. She should be clinging to him right now. She shouldn’t let him separate her that easy. But she wasn’t even lucid enough to notice. “Baby.” Her eyes opened a crack. “Listen to me, hey. Do you know if you had any medicine today? Anything funny?” 

Ellie just laid down onto the sofa cushion. “... funny,” She babbled the word. 

Joel’s heart began racing inside his chest. Ellie’s foster-father had given her something. And he had no clue what, which was making him panic more. “Ellie,” He rubbed her shoulder as he threw open Sarah’s phone. “Ellie, stay awake with me, baby, okay? Can you keep talkin’ to me?” 

“... ‘mbout what?” Ellie mumbled. 

“About anythin’,” Joel found Tommy’s contact in Sarah’s phone. Uncle Tommy :) The sound of the dial-tone tortured him as he waited. “About space. Talk to me about space, baby. Talk to me about the moon.” 

“... it’s a big chunk of… of the Earth,” Ellie’s breath fell out in shallow pants. “... I fewl funny,” She whispered again. 

“I know, honey,” Joel’s answer was rushed. “Just breathe for me, baby. In and out, like we practiced.” He made sure he saw breath limping out of Ellie’s chest as he waited for Tommy to pick up the damn phone. C’mon. Finally, something crackled on the other end. “Tommy? ¿Tomas? ¿Puedes oírme?” 

“Joel?” 

A breath left Joel’s chest. “Ellie’s here.” 

“What?” The sleep ran from Tommy’s voice. His heart fell. “What happened?”

“You need to get over here,” Joel rubbed his palm over Ellie’s back, spurring on another shallow breath. “She made it here herself, but he gave her somethin’ and she’s fallin’ asleep on me in a bad way.” The words ran from his mouth. “I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to touch her. Please, Tommy-” 

“I’m on my way,” The sound of an engine turning over rumbled over the phone. “How is she? Is she talking?”

“She’s just wheezing,” Joel watched the breath crawl in and out of Ellie’s chest. Fuck, was it slower now? “Ellie. Baby, hey.” He rubbed her shoulder and managed to rouse her. “Look at me.” Behind crescent-open eyes, she found him. “Keep tellin’ me about the moon. I want to know everythin’ you know. C’mon.” 

“... I’yve nevur been there,” Ellie mumbled. 

“I know that,” Joel’s lips managed a smile. “But just keep tellin’ me.” Mumbled space facts made it to the other side of the phone, over the sound of shallow breaths. “Tommy, how far away are you?”

“Fuck, like an hour?” 

“Goddamnit,” Joel swore. Make it go faster, he wanted to beg, even though he knew that was impossible. Just get here now. Right no-

Headlights flashed outside. Joel’s eyes shot up and widened against the sight of a truck. “Fuck,” He swore. “Tommy, tell me this fucker don’t drive a red truck.” 

“Oh, fuck.” 

Joel forgot the phone. “Ellie,” He shook her. “Ellie, hey, we have to get up now.” She mumbled in complaint, but didn’t budge, only resettled on the sofa. Meanwhile, a truck door slammed outside. “Ellie, we’ve gotta get upstairs, baby, okay? Look at me.” He lifted her jaw with his fingers, but she barely cracked her eyes. 

Then Joel felt himself flicker. 

As Ellie’s consciousness dwindled, so did he. Like he didn’t exist unless she was there to need him. Her chin slipped from his grip as he became nothing more than air. “No,” He choked. “No, no, fuck.” Heavy knocks rattled the front door. “Ellie. Look at me. I need you to wake up and look at me, baby.” 

With the last of her energy, Ellie managed to crack her eyes, then immediately fussed in complaint. Everything was spinning. “Ellie.” Joel’s face formed in front of her. She grabbed out for him, but her hands passed right through. “Ellie, hey. Focus. Focus. You have to get upstairs. I need you to get yourself upstairs, baby. C’mon.” 

Ellie’s little brow creased with a furrow. Then, she heard another series of blasting knocks. Her mind struggled to understand what was going on. “Upstairs,” Joel ordered softly above her. “Upstairs, Ellie. Come on.” 

Ellie managed to flop off of the couch and tumble to her knees. “C’mon,” Joel encouraged beside her. “C’mon, just up the steps now.” She managed a few inches forward.

Then the door burst open. 

Joel’s eyes raced up. He tried to move the furniture or fight with whatever he could move like when Henry and Sam’s killers had broken in, but he couldn’t lift a thing. Ellie laid on the floor under his feet, a puddle of drool spreading from her mouth. His ability to move or touch had become tied to her. With her unconscious, he was useless. 

“Ellie.” His fingers passed right through her. The ones that followed didn’t. 

“Ellie,” David snatched Ellie by the collar of her shirt and lowered himself so that either of his knees trapped her beneath him. She fussed, oblivious. A dark silhouette spun in front of her crescent-shaped eyes. Joel? “You little fucking bitch. Look what you did to my fucking arm.” His teeth bore in a snarl. “You better be careful. Soon enough, you’re not going to be worth this much fucking trouble.” 

Ellie curled up underneath the figure on top of her. “... Joel?” She blinked her bleary eyes and searched the room for him. He was next to her, but he kept flickering in and out. Her little brow furrowed. 

David. 

David lifted Ellie up and threw her over his shoulder. “... nn,” She searched again for Joel. He flickered under her eyes. She grasped out for him, but then he vanished. With his absence, she realized the front door growing smaller behind them. David was taking her from the house. She couldn’t let them leave the house. “... no.” 

“Shut up,” David growled. 

A slow wash of anger stormed over Ellie’s face. She managed her own little growl, and then sank her teeth deep into David’s bare neck, waiting right under her; she dug her canines in as far as they would go. 

“Fuck!” David tried to tear Ellie away, but only dragged her teeth further across his flesh. The metallic taste of blood filled her mouth. “Fuck! Get off!” 

Ellie landed on her feet as David dropped her, but then toppled over with her first attempt to run. The farmhouse lingered in the distance. She army-crawled across the dirt, solely focused on getting closer, within Joel’s reach. Large footsteps started behind her. “... no,” She was almost there. “... no!”

David grabbed Ellie’s ankle and tore her back. “No!” The adrenaline in her veins battled everything else. She kicked and scratched and screamed as he turned her over on the cold dirt. “Get awf!” 

“Quit scratchin’ me,” David hissed. He tore his nails down Ellie’s wrist to return the favor. She yelped and tried to squirm away. “Oh, you don’t like it, huh?” He managed to trap her wrists underneath his palms, despite how she fussed in protest. She swirled her spit up and launched it at his face, but he only laughed. “You just can’t quit fighting, huh?” He slapped her. “Ain’t in your style?” 

David tore the collar of Ellie’s shirt like it was paper. She fought underneath him to squirm back even a few inches. Where was Joel? They were still too far. The feeling of David’s hands groping over her bare stomach snapped her back. Tears soaked her face as she tried to squirm away, to no avail. 

“Hold still,” David lectured. One of his hands captured both of Ellie’s little wrists, trapping her completely. “You owe me this, y’know?” She whimpered underneath the feeling of his other, wandering hand. “After all the fucking trouble you’ve been. This is what I deserve.” 

Ellie squirmed up a few more precious inches. Fed up, David growled above her, and then left her stomach and her wrists for her throat. The whimper in her throat lept out as he began to choke her. “Thought those fuckin’ pills would make this easier,” He growled as he tightened his grip around her throat. “I guess this works, too.” 

Spots danced across Ellie’s vision. The pressure around her throat was all she could feel, and the lack of oxygen in her brain. Everything was spinning again. She squirmed up against the dirt, hoping that it was in the direction of the house. 

David’s eyes shone above Ellie under the moonlight. His eyes were the last she’d ever see. His palms squeezing the life out of her throat was the last touch she’d ever feel. She fought for one more final inch, and then gave up. She couldn’t fight anymore. 

In one second, it was over. 

Ellie felt David’s hands leave her throat. Air flushed into her lungs in his absence, racking her chest with little coughs. She curled up on the dirt and caught a bleary image of two bodies in the distance. Joel, her heart squeezed. And David flat beneath him. 

Ellie watched them until her eyes fell shut. The air limped in her swollen throat.

“Get off me-” 

“Oh, you want me to git off you?” Joel snarled. His fists held David’s collar taut against his throat. It strangled him, as he had Ellie mere seconds ago. Joel spared a fist and slammed it against David’s nose. A snap filled the night, followed by high-pitched yelling. “This is what you fuckin’ deserve.” He began to choke on his own blood. “You hear me? That better be your last goddamn thought.” 

Joel turned David into a puddle beneath his fists. He made it quick, even though that monster didn’t deserve that. If Ellie wasn’t watching, he’d make it last hours, days. But she was, maybe, so he ended it with a final twist of David’s neck. Snap. It broke like putty inside his fists. His head landed limp in the blood puddle beneath them. 

Ellie, Joel pulled himself off of the bloody, beaten body. The rage in his face boiled away when he saw Ellie. She was curled up on the pale dirt, unmoving. She wasn’t even crying. 

“Ellie.” A cloud of dirt swarmed them as Joel slid down and lifted Ellie against his chest. Her legs hung over his arm, limp. “Ellie?” He pressed his fingers against her jaw and tilted her face his way. As soon as he let go, her head fell back. “Baby? Hey, hey, look at me.” He sank his ear to her chest. 

Joel didn’t hear any breath. His heart dropped inside him. “Ellie,” He laid her flat on the dirt and knelt by her side. “Ellie. Ellie,” He performed sternum rubs against the center of her chest, to no avail. With no other choice, he interlocked his hands atop her chest and began compressions.  “Oh, God.” Her body shook. 

“Don’t do this,” Joel made himself nauseous with how easy it was to press against Ellie’s little ribs. He felt them creak underneath his force. “Don’t do this, baby, don’t do this,” He still felt no breath when he listened again. “No. Don’t go, baby girl. Lord, don’t take her.” A sob fell from his chest as he continued. “No. Please, please.”

Joel could feel the house becoming fuller; like he could feel Ellie becoming like him. A four-year-old little ghost, see-through, dead. Tears swarmed his eyes. 

“No, Ellie,” Joel pressed a breath into her mouth. “C’mon,” He continued compressions. “C’mon, c’mon, baby girl. Breathe. Breathe, baby, I know you can do it.” He gave her another breath. He felt his own lungs expand, as if he was reviving them both. “Please.”

Finally, Ellie’s chest sank with a breath. A second later, she was crying. 

Joel let out a croak at the sound. It was like hearing Sarah cry for the first time. I’m alive, it promised as he cupped her little face inside his palms. You’ve got me. Her eyes were open, and flushed with tears. “Breathe, baby girl. Just breathe. Just breathe with me. I’m right here. You’re okay.” 

Hiccuped sobs hid in between each one of Ellie’s panted breaths. “Shh, shh, there you go,”  Joel rubbed a circle over her back. Her little fists twisted inside his shirt in response, the fabric soaked with her own tears. He rocked her slowly inside his chest. “Just breathe, baby. Just breathe. Good girl.” 

I’ve got you, Joel smeared his tears against Ellie’s hair. You’re okay.

Ellie buried her face inside Joel’s chest. The breath tumbled from her lungs; her head soared with the sudden inflow of oxygen. She tried to mumble his name, but her throat practically vibrated with her first attempt at speech. It hurt, so she stopped, and instead solely focused on clinging onto him. 

She was never letting go. 

Joel felt Ellie’s head moving underneath his hand. She was searching. “He’s gone, sweetheart.” The bloody clump in their driveway watched as he carried her away. He smeared his bloody knuckles off on his shirt before he held her again. “He’s gone. It’s just us now. You’re safe, baby.” He held her as close as he could. “You’re safe. You’re safe.” 

Ellie heard Joel. Still, her head was empty of thoughts. All she heard was his heartbeat, thump-thump-thumping against her ear. The sound made her settle. He’d never had a heartbeat before. 

Headlights emerged from the other end of the dirt road and shone against Joel’s face. He squinted under the light, but still immediately recognized Tommy’s truck; flashes of red and blue followed him. He let out a breath of relief. Meanwhile, Ellie became a rock inside his arms. “Shh, it’s okay, baby,” He rocked her gently. “It’s okay, it’s just Tommy. And Tommy’s friends.” 

Ellie didn’t budge. She just clung onto Joel like he was a big stuffed animal.

Tommy’s headlights shone against the bloody corpse in the driveway as he pulled up. His eyes ran to Ellie, who was cradled safely in his brother’s arms. A breath of relief jumped from his lungs. He didn’t know whose name to call first. “Ellie,” He decided as he jumped from the truck. Joel met him. “Is she hurt?” 

“... Tommy,” Ellie realized in a small whisper. 

“Hey, sweetheart,” Tommy tried and failed to manage a smile. Not with the darkening sight of the palmprints spreading over Ellie’s little neck. His eyes lept to his brother’s, who led him to the bloody clump in their driveway. “Good,” He growled. “Sum’bitch.”

“What about them?” Joel watched the approaching cop cars. Plumes of dust erupted around them as they parked at the end of the road. 

“Maybe it’s best you disappear for a while,” Tommy agreed. He accepted Ellie as Joel passed her over, despite how he wished to never let go. She fussed a little, but then settled comfortably against Tommy’s neck. “Joel?” He hadn’t disappeared yet. 

“I…” Joel’s brows furrowed. “I can’t.” A struggle showed on his face as he willed his body to vanish. It’d always been just like flexing a muscle, but now he couldn’t. He stayed right where he was, clear as day. “The hell?” 

Ellie watched with wet eyes. “... you wohn’t,” She theorized hoarsely. 

“What, sweetheart?” Tommy questioned above. He rocked Ellie slowly, just like his brother. She tapped her finger against his heart then. Her little throat hurt too much for her to speak. “Huh?” She knocked his heart again. This time, he understood, as did Joel across from them. His face paled. “Joel?” 

“My heart’s beating,” Joel blurted before he even processed the words. 

Tommy’s eyes widened. “What?”

The thud-thud-thud of heavy footsteps interrupted the conversation. Ellie fussed at the sound of them, paired with the sight of strangers. Joel let her climb back onto him when she reached. “‘T’s okay,” He soothed. “I’m right here. No one’s gon’ hurt you.” 

A pair of flashlights lit up the bloody clump on the driveway, formerly David. The other pair found Ellie. She squinted underneath the paramedic’s light, and hid in Joel’s neck. “Are either of you her guardian?” 

“He was,” Tommy growled towards the body in the driveway.  “My wife and I had prior custody.” He found Joel. “He’s her father.” 

Joel shared a glance with Tommy at that label. It wasn’t untrue. He rocked Ellie inside his arms, and felt her snuggle closer in response. She didn’t listen to the rest of the conversation; Joel and Tommy knew every answer for her. She just clung onto Joel’s chest like a little koala, and peeked over his shoulder so that she could watch the body in the driveway. 

Dayvid.

Ellie didn’t let herself blink, just in case he moved. Her eyes tracked him until they couldn’t. Bright lights and an ambulance’s double doors took away the sight of him. Still, she didn’t stop staring. 

Was he really dead? 

Joel had been, but he hadn’t. 

What if David was like that? 

What if he came back? 

Ellie turned herself inside Joel’s arms. “Shh,” He pressed a kiss against her hair. She was swaddled in a blanket now; she squirmed underneath the warmth. “You’re okay now. We’re okay, baby girl.” 

Ellie closed her eyes. 

Joel held her as she fell asleep.