Chapter Text
Looking back on his life, Mike felt like he probably should’ve figured out his feelings for Will a little sooner. It was something that felt so obvious, so inevitable.
But, as he was actually living through it, it was anything but obvious.
“You rush into the ballroom and see that it is completely wrecked,” Will narrated. He gestured with his hands as he spoke, the overhead light making the shadows on his face look super dramatic. “Tables and chairs flipped and crushed, drinks and food spilled. And … blood smeared on the floor.”
“Holy shit,” whispered several of their friends.
The whole Party was gathered in Mike’s basement. They sat around the small table they’d been playing D&D at since they were little kids. Will was on one end, Max with her wheelchair on the other. Mike and El were on one side of the table, Lucas and Dustin on the other.
“Can I make an investigation check?” Mike asked, leaning closer to Will. “I wanna look around, try to find out what happened.”
Will smiled. “Yeah, go ahead.”
After rolling a 17, Will informed them that there had clearly been a battle here, and most people seemed to have fled a while ago. Everyone around the table — Dustin, Lucas, Max and El — listened intently to him as he talked.
Mike listened too, of course. He loved the confidence Will had when he was the Dungeon Master, and the way he had with words. Mike had just also noticed that Will had a speck of dust on his lashes, and his fingers itched to brush it away. For some reason.
“And Mike,” Will added, “as you search the ballroom, you come across a figure huddled under a table.” Mike leaned even closer. “It’s a regal-looking elf; his hair is long and dark and his skin is perfectly smooth. A small crown sits ajar on his head.”
“Is he a prince?” El asked.
Will shrugged. “You’ll have to ask him.”
“‘Sir, are you all right?’” Mike asked in-character.
“‘I-I don’t know,’” Will replied as the elf. He made his voice deeper and smoother, and it made something light up inside of Mike. “‘I have no clue what happened. I was just having a nice time, enjoying the party, and suddenly… we were attacked!’”
“Is he hurt?” El asked, who was playing a cleric. “I can heal him.”
“He thanks you,” Will said as El rolled the dice to see how much she could heal him for.
Max sighed, clearly bored of this NPC. “I wanna try to see if there’s any loot.”
It was almost a miracle that they had gotten Max to play with them. But this was the last few weeks they would all be in Hawkins: after New Year’s, El and Will would once again move. And after everything they had been through in order to finally kill Venca, it had been easier to convince her to do mushy nerdy stuff with them.
And, though no one said it, Max was probably a little bored now that she couldn’t do most of the activities she used to when her legs and eyes still worked. She was still getting used to life now, and that meant trying new ways to have fun. And it did seem like she was having fun! They hadn’t turned her into a full nerd yet, but they were well on their way.
“I’m also going to look for loot,” Dustin announced.
“Yeah, me too,” Lucas said.
“Roll investigation checks, then.”
After they had rolled, Will narrated what each of them found. It wasn’t too much, since the attackers had probably taken all the good stuff, but Max found a cool magical item, and Lucas found a Potion of Healing. Dustin, who had rolled a 1, found a dead rat.
“I put it in my pack,” Dustin said.
Lucas looked at him. “What?”
“That’s disgusting,” Max said.
“I wanna give it a proper burial!” Dustin exclaimed.
While his friends were bickering, Mike looked over at Will. That speck of dust was still in his lashes.
“You have something in your eyelashes,” Mike said, gesturing to Will’s eye.
“Oh. Thanks.” Will rubbed at his eyes. “Better?”
“Yeah,” Mike confirmed, almost a little disappointed. He had kind of wanted to wipe it away.
Which was a really weird thing to want.
“I go talk to the elf,” Mike said. “I help him up and ask if he needs anything.”
“‘Thank you, sir,’” Will said as the elf. Once again, that deep voice made Mike’s stomach light up in a really weird way. “‘I … I don’t know if there’s anything I need. My whole family is gone. I…’”
“‘You can come with us!’” Mike said. It took a second before he registered the words coming out of his mouth. They didn’t usually adopt NPCs into the Party. It would be too many to keep track of, and they liked being just them.
“What did you say, Mike?” Dustin asked. The whole Party turned to look at him. Mike could feel himself turning a little red.
“I asked the elf if he wanted to come with us,” Mike mumbled.
“I thought we didn’t do that,” El said, who had wanted to adopt approximately fifty NPCs into the Party since they'd started playing.
“Well, not usually, but he’s all alone!” Mike defended. “And you asked Jim to come with us, remember?”
“But then he died,” El said, still with some sorrow in her voice. Jim had been a talking mushroom who had fallen off a building during a battle the same session El had adopted him.
“Well, yeah, but…” But what? But Mike wanted to hear Will do that voice again. What the hell was wrong with him?
“Sorry,” Mike said.
“No, it’s fine,” Lucas said. “He can come with us and help us find out who did this, and then he can leave.”
“‘I would love to help you find the attackers,’” Will added as the elf.
“It’s settled, then,” Max said. “Let’s get the hell out of this castle. It’s super creepy.”
Mike nodded, both relieved and scared. Although he wasn’t sure exactly what he was scared of.
“Mike?” El said after the D&D session. Hopper was waiting for her in his car outside, and she was just putting on her jacket before leaving. “Do you want to do something together tomorrow?”
“Eh…” Mike said. A small weight settled in his chest. “Sorry, I was going to watch some movies with Will.”
“Oh,” El said. “Can I join?”
“Uhm…” The weight started jiggling around in his chest. Why wouldn’t he just say yes? What was wrong with him?
A loud honk sounded from outside. El jumped a little, then laughed. She took a step closer to him, gave him a soft kiss, then said, “We can do something another day.”
Then she hurried outside, lest Hopper honk again.
Mike stared at the door long after she had closed it, wondering when he had stopped feeling things when they kissed.
Mike stared at the space between him and Will on the couch. It was not a huge space, but it felt like a whole universe. Mike wasn’t sure why.
Mike couldn’t focus on the movie. The only thing he could focus on was the infinite space between him and Will on the couch.
Mike looked up at Will, but he was watching the movie. Of course. Because Will was a normal person. Not normal, maybe, but normal in the sense that he didn’t obsess over the small space between him and Mike.
Suddenly, Mike desperately wanted Will to look at him. So he said, “That was a really great session yesterday.”
Will looked at him, blushing a little. He always blushed a little when Mike complemented him, which always made something warm blossom in Mike’s stomach. This time was no different.
“Yeah?” Will asked.
“Yeah! I mean, the whole battle on the way to the castle? Amazing. And the reveal that the castle was empty?! I mean, holy shit!”
“Not totally empty,” Will reminded him.
“Y-yeah,” Mike agreed. “That was a, uh, cool voice you did, by the way.”
“Thank you,” Will said. “I’ve been practicing some new ones, ‘cause I felt like my NPCs all sounded the same.”
“They don’t,” Mike assured him. “But, uh, that’s one you can use more, for sure.”
Will smiled. “I will. Thanks.”
Mike opened his mouth to say something, although he wasn’t sure what. Probably something embarrassing about the cool voice Will did. But he was interrupted by Robin and Steve — who had been hanging out with Nancy in her room — coming down the stairs.
“Are you leaving already?” Will asked, getting up from the couch. He suddenly only had eyes for Robin, which he seemingly always had in her presence.
“Already? It’s almost ten!” Robin said, grinning at Will.
Robin threw her arms around Will, squeezing him in a hug. Mike’s mood soured significantly.
He was pretty sure there wasn’t anything romantic between them, since she was a fair amount older than him. Plus, Will would have told him, right? Either way, it didn’t matter, because Mike had no business caring about who Will dated or didn’t date.
What he did care about were people trying to steal Mike’s best friend-status from him, which it sometimes seemed like Robin was trying to do. But she had Steve, and they were inseparable, almost more than Mike and Will, so it didn’t make sense to him.
What did she want with his best friend?
Embarrassingly, Robin caught him staring at them, and raised an eyebrow. Mike looked away, grabbing the remote and pausing the movie.
Will and Robin whispered something to each other that made them both giggle. Mike tried not to glare.
Steve walked over to Mike, leaning against the wall next to the couch. “They’re cute, huh?”
“What?” Mike asked, alarmed. Were they actually dating?!
(Why did he care?)
“I think he’s like the little brother she never had,” Steve said fondly.
“Oh.” Mike relaxed. So it was like a sibling-bond. That was… fine. A lot better than something romantic.
For some reason.
“How are you doing?” Steve asked Mike.
“Uh, I’m fine?”
Steve shrugged. “Well, I’m not. I can’t wait to get out of here.”
Oh. Steve had asked genuinely. How was Mike genuinely doing? He … He had no clue, honestly.
He wasn’t sleeping too well. He wasn’t eating as well as he used to. He kept looking at the spaces between him and his best friend.
“You and Robin are going to New York, right?” Mike asked, desperate to think about something else.
“Yup,” Steve said. “Me, Robin and Vickie.”
“Vickie?”
“Oh, uh… Just a friend of ours,” Steve said. It was clear that he was lying, though.
“Is she your girlfriend?” Mike asked teasingly.
Steve let out a surprised laugh. “No, she– She’s a friend.”
“Mhm,” Mike said, not believing him. But it was fine; he was allowed to hide the relationship if he wanted to. Mike was honestly just glad Steve had stopped going after Nancy. It had been exhausting watching him and Jonathan compete for her attention, like she wasn’t perfectly capable of choosing for herself.
“Let’s go, Stevie boy,” Robin said.
“Coming.” Steve smiled at Mike. “Take care of yourself, okay? You don’t have to get stuck in bad memories just because you’re staying here.”
Mike nodded, feeling a little sick at those words.
He wished his family could move like the Byers would, but his parents just weren’t in shape for it. Not now, maybe not in a long time.
No, Mike would stay here, while Will and El left. Max and Lucas would probably leave soon, too. Mike knew Lucas had been talking to his parents about it. Dustin would probably leave too, eventually.
Why wouldn’t they? Everything bad that had ever happened to them had happened in Hawkins. There was no reason to stay. Mike should leave too. He wanted to.
But he knew, deep down, that he wasn’t going to leave Hawkins.
He didn’t have the guts to do it.
Will sat down on the couch. This time, he sat an inch or two closer to Mike. His hand rested against his leg. It would be so easy for Mike to take it, like he might have when they were little kids watching a scary movie.
He didn’t. Of course he didn’t.
Their characters were by the campfire, taking a long rest after a difficult battle. As Max and Dustin bickered about loot, Mike kept stealing glances at Will. He really wanted to go talk to the elf NPC, who they had found out was named Myrith. Mike couldn’t quite figure out why he was so obsessed with this NPC. It wasn’t his usual playstyle. El was way more fond of NPCs than he’d ever been, but she didn’t really care about Myrith.
Mike was the only one who cared about the elf with the smooth voice.
“I walk over to Mike,” El announced. “I sit down beside him.”
“Okay,” Will said. “You sit down beside your boyfriend, and feel the warmth from the fire wash over you.”
Yeah, El and Mike were dating in D&D too. It really annoyed Mike for some reason. But what could he have done, when El asked if they could be boyfriend and girlfriend in the game? He couldn’t say no, of course. But why had he wanted to say no?
“‘I want to give you something,’” El said in-character. “‘It’s a necklace I got from my mother right before she died.’” El mimed taking off a necklace and giving it to him.
“Oh.” Mike mimed accepting the necklace. A deep pit formed in his stomach. “‘Thank you.’”
“And then I kiss him,” El announced. And then she did kiss him. In real life.
And she was his girlfriend, so he should be happy about that. He should be happy that his girlfriend was enjoying D&D and was kissing him and that she loved him.
Instead, he just felt a deep pit in his stomach.
Mike waited a few seconds, until Max and Dustin had resumed their bickering, before he turned his attention away from El and toward Will. But he only managed to wait a few seconds. Because he was an asshole, apparently.
He just desperately needed to feel something else.
“I go talk to Myrith,” Mike said.
“Okay,” Will said with a smile.
Mike spent the next ten minutes listening to Will, as Myrith, talk about his past. Will was so mesmerizing, the way he weaved stories, the control he had over his voice, the passion in his eyes as he created this world of fantasy. Mike could listen to Will talk like that forever.
Eventually the others got impatient, though, and he had to go to bed and let the next day start.
Robin and Steve had invited them all to Steve’s house for a movie night. They were watching a comedy, because more than a few people in the group couldn’t really handle Sci-Fi right now. Even though, as Mike tried to argue, Star Wars was very different from what they had been through. He didn’t fight it too much, though.
Steve had a big couch, but they still had to smush together to make room for everyone. Mike ended up between Will and Robin. It was cozy enough, but Will and Robin kept making small comments and looks only meant for the two of them, and it made Mike more than a little annoyed.
He had enough to think about, though, with Will’s body pressed up so close to his. He didn’t know why, but it made his brain a little mushy. Like he couldn’t think straight.
Will was warm beside him. Strong. Safe. Mike wanted to…
He wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. His brain wouldn’t let him go there. Go where? Fuck, Mike needed to stop thinking.
About halfway through the movie, Will yawned and stretched his arms. Then he let his arm rest on the back of the couch behind Mike. Almost as if he had his arm around Mike’s shoulders. For some reason, it made Mike’s cheeks heat up.
Robin shot Will a look, then burst out laughing. Will shot her a look back, then started laughing too. He pulled his arms away, muttering, “Sorry,” without even looking at Mike.
Mike was caught halfway between annoyed at whatever was going on with Will and Robin, and disappointed that Will no longer had his arm around him.
“I’m just going to the bathroom,” Mike whispered.
In the bathroom, he splashed some water in his face. He needed to get his shit together. Will was allowed to have another best friend. Like Steve had said, it wasn’t even romantic! And that shouldn’t even matter anyway!
Mike needed to let Will have other friends. He would have tons of other friends when he moved away. He had to get used to this.
Suddenly, Mike felt a little nauseous. Imagining Will surrounded by friends that weren’t Mike. Surrounded by girls that loved his hair, his eyes, his strong arms. Girls that would take all his attention. Girls that would make him forget all about Mike.
Why did he care this much?
When he exited the bathroom, he almost walked straight into Robin.
“Oh, sorry,” she said. “Just gotta pee.”
She started to move past him, but for some reason, Mike didn’t let her. Robin stopped.
“Uh, hey? Is everything okay?”
“I…” Mike wasn’t even sure what he wanted to say. Well, that wasn't true. He wanted to yell at her to stay away from his best friend, but that wasn’t really fair. “Do you have a crush on Will or something? ‘Cause he’s too young for you.”
Robin blinked at him. Then she started laughing.
“What?” Mike demanded.
“Sorry, I just… Sorry. Sorry.” Robin just kept laughing, and it was getting on Mike’s nerves. He’d asked a serious question! “No, I don’t. Like, I really don’t.” She gave Mike a meaningful look that made absolutely no sense to Mike.
“Really?”
“Yeah, really,” Robin confirmed. “Look, we just… found out that we have some stuff in common, okay? That’s all.”
“Like what stuff?” Mike demanded. Why couldn’t he have that stuff in common with Will?
“Like…” Robin gestured with her hands. “Stuff. Okay? We both… We both feel a little weird, a little different sometimes. So we’ve bonded. That’s it. But trust me.” She punched his arm playfully. “He likes you way more.”
Mike blinked. What did that mean? In what way were Will and Robin different? Will was different, obviously, because of his powers and everything he’d been through. But Robin? She was just… there was nothing special about her, was there?
And … was she serious about Will liking him way more? Mike hoped she was.
“If you’ll excuse me,” Robin said, “I really do need to pee.”
Mike and El were making out.
They didn’t do it as often as they did when they were younger, which was probably weird. But Mike blamed it on their trauma. They had to take things slow after everything they’d been through.
But, right now, they were making out. They were in Mike’s bed, El in Mike’s lap. The door was closed, because there were so many people living in the house right now that no one had time to uphold rules like that.
El was warm. Her lips were soft. They had done this a hundred times before.
Mike kept wondering when this had stopped making him feel giddy.
“I’m going to miss you,” El whispered. She pulled away and looked at Mike.
“I’m gonna visit,” Mike said.
“Will you write?”
Mike thought about all the letters he’d sent last time El had moved away. “From Mike. From Mike. From Mike!”
“Yeah, ‘course,” Mike promised.
El nodded, satisfied. She shouldn’t be satisfied. She shouldn’t be satisfied with him at all. He was an awful boyfriend.
Then they were kissing again. Mike moved his hands to El’s hair. It was soft and smooth, but it was too long. El’s weight in his lap was too light. Her hands were too soft.
For a brief second — just a millisecond, less than a millisecond, such a small moment that it was barely a thought at all — Mike wondered what it would be like to kiss Will. What it would be like to have Will in his lap, Will’s hair in his hands, Will’s lips on his.
Mike froze.
What the fuck? What the actual fuck was wrong with him?
El pulled away. “Mike? Are you okay?”
“Y-yeah,” Mike said, even though he was the furthest thing from okay.
Because now that the thought was in his head, it didn’t want to leave. He tried to push it away, but it just kept coming back.
Will in his lap. Will on top of him. Him on top of Will. Will’s lips on his mouth, on his jaw, on his neck. His lips on Will’s mouth, on his jaw, on his neck.
Will. Will, Will, Will.
Will.
“Sorry, I just…” Mike cleared his throat. “I just started thinking about Vecna, and…”
“Oh.” El immediately climbed off Mike’s lap and sat down beside him instead.
This was not unusual for any of them. Sometimes thoughts just drifted, or noises sounded too similar to other noises, or whatever else, and their brains just … stopped. Mike had calmed El down from several panic attacks, and she had calmed him down from just as many.
El started rubbing Mike’s back, just like she always did when she got like this, and it made something break inside him.
The world shrunk in on him, until it was just him and El and his thoughts about Will. His chest felt tight. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe. He started hyperventilating, trying to take in more oxygen, but it didn’t fucking work.
“Breathe, Mike,” El said, but her voice was far away. “Breathe.”
He couldn’t.
Because what the hell was wrong with him? How could he think things like that about a guy? And not just any guy, his best friend. What was wrong with him? He was disgusting. He was perverted. He was dangerous.
He’d seen it on TV. AIDS.
He was going to die.
He was going to die.
He was going to die, but not before he’d infected all his friends, and then they were all going to die too. They had survived the Upside Down, survived Vecna, and now they were going to die because Mike was… because Mike was… was a…
“Mike, you need to breathe!” El was in front of him now, her hands gripping his arms, almost shaking him. “Mike!”
Mike tried to heave in a breath, but it came out as a strangled sob.
How could he think these things about Will? How could he want these things?
Because, oh, he wanted it so badly.
He wanted Will so badly.
He was disgusting.
He didn’t know how long it took, but he eventually started breathing properly again. When he did, El was still crouched in front of him, her eyes full of worry. This was probably one of the worst panic attacks of his that she’d witnessed.
Because, apparently, the thought of Vecna killing him and his friends was easier for him to process than the thought of him being… being a…
“I’m fine,” Mike managed to whisper.
El didn’t look like she believed him. “I can make hot chocolate.”
Mike forced a smile. He didn’t deserve her.
After El left, Mike vowed to never speak to anyone ever again.
He wasn’t sure how he would do it, but he was going to find a way.
He was going to lock his doors and pretend he didn’t hear people knocking. He was going to ignore El’s phone calls. He was going to sneak out in the middle of the night to get food. And other than that, he was going to stay in his room day in and day out until he died of AIDS or dehydration — whatever got him first.
Mike lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling.
He wasn’t in love with his best friend. He couldn’t be. It wasn’t allowed. It was unnatural. It was disgusting. It was deadly.
But, now that he had first had the thought, it also felt like the most obvious thing in the entire world.
Of course he was in love with Will. Of course.
Of course, out of anyone on the entire planet, Will was the one he had fallen for. It was the only person it could’ve ever been. Despite how unnatural and gross and perverted it was, it was also so… beautiful.
Will was going to hate him, of course. Will was going to find him so utterly disgusting.
The thought hurt so much Mike couldn’t help the tears that streamed down his cheeks. So many of his thoughts hurt so much, he spent most of his time sobbing into his pillow.
Will was going to hate him.
And not just Will. Everyone would. Of course they would! He was a fucking freak!
Lucas would hate him. Dustin would hate him. Max would hate him. Nancy and Holly would hate him. His parents would hate him.
El… God, El would never forgive him. Had he really strung her along all these years? Or had there been something real there, at some point? He really hoped there had been something there. If not, he would never be able to forgive himself.
Mike cried and cried and cried. Cried for all the people he would lose. All the years. Everything. Everything he would lose because he was a…
Because he had been created wrong.
“Mike?” It was Nancy, pounding on his door. “Mike! What is going on?!”
Mike didn’t answer. This was his second day of solitary confinement, and his family and the Byers were starting to worry.
“Are you sick or something?” Nancy’s voice was starting to get high with worry. “Did something happen? Mike, if you don’t answer me right this second, I’m gonna get Dad’s axe and chop down this door!”
Oh.
Mike recognized the tone in her voice. This wasn’t normal older sister-worry. This was older sister who had been through unimaginable trauma-worry.
“I’m okay!” Mike yelled, the first words he’d said since El left.
“Then why the fuck won’t you come out?!”
“I can’t!”
“What do you mean you can’t?!”
“Just leave me alone!” Mike yelled.
He heard Nancy sigh on the other side of the door. Softly, she said, “Mike, whatever’s wrong… please talk to me. I can’t…”
She didn’t finish the sentence, and Mike didn’t answer her.
“Mike?” It was Holly. “Are you okay?”
No.
Mike didn’t answer.
“You’d tell us if Henry was back and torturing you, right?”
Another sister who had gone through unimaginable trauma.
Couldn’t a guy just be extremely self-destructive in peace, without having to worry about everyone else worrying about him?
“... Right, Mike?”
Apparently not.
“I’m okay, Holly,” Mike promised. “It’s… It’s not Henry. It’s something else, okay?”
A small, worried pause. “Okay.”
“Mike?” It was the voice he had been waiting for and dreading the whole time. “Are you okay?”
Why was Will’s voice so attractive? When had that happened? When had it gone from friendly to something that made his knees weak?
Mike thought about Myrith, the elf NPC with the smooth, deep voice. With the sexy voice. With Will’s voice.
How many signs had Mike blatantly ignored, just because he hadn’t wanted to face the truth?
“Mike?”
Mike didn’t answer, and eventually Will left.
“El called,” Nancy told him through the door. It was the third day of Mike’s self-imposed isolation. “She’s worried too. Says she misses you.”
Mike was an awful boyfriend. An awful person, honestly, because the thing that finally made him realize that he was a bad boyfriend was the realization that he was a fucking queer.
Mike hated himself. He really did. Hatred for himself sat deep, deep in his bones. It had been there a long time, but it was now seeping out into his whole body, mixing with disgust and loathing and shame.
Late at night on the third day, someone knocked on his door again. “Mike?”
Shivers ran down Mike’s entire body. Full of fear and despair and … something else.
Mike didn’t answer.
“Mike, I was thinking of inviting the others to play D&D tomorrow,” Will said carefully. “You’d come too, right?”
Mike wanted to say no. He had to say no.
But his mind flashed back to all the times he had said no to play D&D with Will in the past. He’d vowed to himself he’d never do that again.
“Okay,” Mike answered.
Will didn’t say anything for a while. Then, “See you then.”
Everyone was walking on eggshells around him when Mike came down for breakfast the next day.
Jonathan saw him first and sent him a careful smile.
Will did the same, although his smile was a lot more nervous. He looked worried. Concerned. (Beautiful.) He would not be concerned if he knew the reason why Mike had locked himself in his room. He tried to tell himself that as he looked at Will, because the dominant thought in his brain was to just go kiss him already.
Then Nancy threw her arms around him and squeezed him tight. “Don’t ever fucking do that again. You’re allowed to be an angsty teenager or whatever, but do not make me worry for your fucking safety, okay?”
Mike felt extremely guilty — but not as guilty as he did when he looked over Nancy’s shoulder and saw Will stretch into a yawn, revealing bare skin underneath his shirt as it rode up.
“Okay, I promise,” Mike said, tearing his eyes away from Will.
D&D was… fine. Everyone kept sending Mike worried looks — apparently everyone had been told about him locking himself in his room for three days straight — and Mike kept getting distracted by Will’s beautiful eyes or their knees knocking together under the table.
He was not at the top of his game, to say the least. Everyone seemed to go easy on him, though, probably because they all thought he was having a mental episode or something. And maybe he was.
A crazy queer. Yep. That was him.
“Crazy together.”
Fucking hell, he wanted to kiss Will so badly it might kill him.
Mike didn’t say much as they were roleplaying, but he did take his turns in battle and tried to heal and fight as best as he could. Towards the end of the battle, the dragon they were fighting grabbed onto Myrith, as well as El’s character, and started to fly off with them.
“No!” El exclaimed.
It was Lucas’ turn next, and he shot the dragon with an arrow through the heart. Everyone cheered as Will announced that they’d killed it.
“But,” he said dramatically, “El, you and Myrith are released from the dragon’s grasp, and you start plummeting towards the river far below.”
El looked desperately at her character sheet. “But… I can’t fly.”
“Mike, it’s your turn,” Will said gently. “What do you want to do?”
“I try to catch him,” Mike said, almost automatically.
“What?” El said, at the same time as Will asked, “Him?”
Oh.
Him? Yeah. Him.
Mike was a boy, and yet it had always been a him.
“S-sorry,” Mike stuttered. “I meant her, obviously. I try to catch El.”
“Okay. Roll an athletics check for me.”
Mike managed to catch El’s character at the edge of the cliff they were fighting at. El narrated hugging and kissing Mike’s character, but she thankfully didn’t do it in real life. (When had it become thankfully?)
Myrith fell into the river below, surely dead, and Mike didn’t say anything for the rest of the session.
As Mike walked up to his room after the D&D session, he was stopped by Will’s voice.
“Mike.”
Mike turned around. “What?”
Will was at the bottom of the stairs, looking impossibly beautiful. “Please… please don’t lock yourself in your room again.”
Mike didn’t say anything, because that was exactly what he’d planned on doing. After writing a note to Nancy with some sort of excuse about nightmares and panic attacks.
“Mike,” Will said, almost pleading. He started walking up the stairs, until they were on the same step. Just a few inches apart.
It felt like a whole universe.
“Will,” Mike said, trying to be playful.
“We’re leaving soon,” Will said. Mike wanted to cry. “I… I want to spend as much time with you as I can before I move.”
I don’t think you’d say that if you knew the way I think about you.
“Sorry,” Mike whispered.
“It’s okay,” Will said, always so gentle. “It’s just… If you’re having nightmares or … or whatever it is, I can help. We can all help. Locking yourself in your room is only going to make it worse.”
With most things, Will would have been right. But with this, Mike was certain that isolation was the only cure.
… Did he want to be cured?
What he really wanted was to take a step closer and kiss Will like he’d never kissed anyone before.
“Can we watch a movie tomorrow?” Will asked. “Please?”
I’m so in love with you it hurts.
“Yeah,” Mike said. “Okay.”
Nancy knocked on Mike’s door late that night. She opened the door slowly, breathing out a sigh of relief, probably when she realized the door wasn’t locked.
She walked over to Mike, sitting down at the edge of his bed. Mike was sprawled out on the bed, staring at the blank ceiling, trying to figure out how to get out of the living hell that had become his life.
“Hey,” Nancy said softly.
Mike made a noise that could be interpreted as a hello if Nancy was in a kind mood. And it seemed she was, because she put a hand on his leg and squeezed it gently.
“You know you can talk to me about anything, right?” she said.
No, I can’t.
She thought he was struggling with nightmares and panic attacks. And he was struggling with that too, obviously.
But the thing that was slowly killing him right now was not something he could talk to her about. Not now, not ever.
“I just … I guess I’m just struggling to adjust to a normal life,” Mike said eventually.
I’m never going to have a normal life.
“Me too,” Nancy said softly.
They sat in silence for a long time. It was almost comfortable.
“I’m gonna miss you when you leave,” Mike whispered.
Nancy wasn’t leaving after New Year’s like the Byers, because she wanted to take care of their parents a little longer, but she would be moving out this summer. While Mike was staying put. He could already feel her absence.
“I’m gonna miss you too,” Nancy whispered back.
It was January 1st. They’d had a pretty fun party last night, sort of dulled by both Lucas and El having very strong reactions to the fireworks. But it had been a good time.
Mike had stayed as far away from Will as he could, and then almost cried when they didn’t kiss at midnight. Which they obviously didn’t. Because Will didn’t want to, and even if he did — which he didn’t— they still couldn’t. It might literally kill them.
But now it was January 1st and the Byers were leaving tomorrow, so they were squeezing in one last D&D session.
Mike hated that. One. Last. D&D. Session. So fucking heartbreaking.
After a battle, they were resting by the river, when: “Suddenly, you see a figure in the water.”
“I try to help them out,” El said immediately.
“I don’t know… Maybe we should be careful about this,” Max said hesitantly.
“Can I do a perception check?” Lucas asked. “To try to see who it is?”
“Go for it,” Will said.
“Okay, uh… 18!”
“You see, thrashing around in the water, is Myrith,” Will narrated. He looked at Mike and grinned, as if excited that he’d brought Mike’s favorite NPC back. As if he was trying to make Mike happy.
Something tugged at Mike’s heart. Maybe, if he couldn’t have Will, he could at least have Myrith.
“I go help him out,” Mike said.
“You didn’t even see him,” Lucas argued. “Only I did.”
Mike ignored him, looking at Will. “I want to help him out.”
Will nodded, his beautiful eyes sparkling, his lips looking so soft and kissable…
Mike managed to get Myrith out of the water. “‘Myrith,’” he said in-character, not caring how desperate, how queer, he sounded, “‘are you all right?’”
Will smiled. In that smooth, dark voice, he said, “‘I’m all right now that you’re here.’”
Mike’s heart skipped a beat.
“So Myrith’s back. Yay,” Max said sarcastically.
“What’s wrong with Myrith?” Mike asked.
“Nothing, he’s just not that exciting, man,” Lucas said. “Like, Will has made way better NPCs than him.”
“Yeah, even Jim was better than Myrith,” Max agreed with a snort. “And he sucked.” She then snorted again when El playfully punched her.
It felt like the walls were closing in on Mike.
“And like, you care more about Myrith than El’s character,” Dustin said with a laugh. “And she’s your girlfriend both in the game and in real life!”
Mike couldn’t breathe properly.
“Stop being mean,” El chastised.
Mike was disgusting. They could all see it. They didn’t quite know what they were looking at, but they could all see that something was wrong.
They could all see that he was wrong.
“Mike?” It was Will’s voice. “Are you okay?”
“I push Myrith back into the river,” Mike announced. He needed to get rid of the elf. He needed to get rid of any and all evidence.
“... What?” Will asked.
“Come on, Mike, we were just kidding,” Lucas said.
“Yeah, you’re allowed to like whatever NPCs you want,” Dustin agreed.
“I don’t like him!” Mike said, probably louder than he should. He turned to Will. “I push him into the river.”
Was it hurt that flashed in Will’s eyes?
“Okay,” Will said softly. “Uh, do an opposed athletics check, I guess.”
Mike rolled his athletics while Will did the same for Myrith. Myrith got a 4. Mike got a natural 20.
“You… You push him back into the river,” Will narrated. “And he gets taken by the strong current.”
Good. That was good. Fuck, why didn’t it feel good?
The table was completely silent, except for Mike’s heartbeat that was so loud surely everyone could hear it. His ears were ringing, and he still couldn’t breathe properly, even though Myrith was dead and gone.
“Sorry, I…” Mike suddenly stood up and rushed out of the basement, up to his room, where he slammed the door behind him.
He was fucked. He was so fucked.
Will was going to hate him for this. Everyone else would think he was weird as fuck. This was their last D&D session in maybe forever, and he’d ruined it because he’d been too fucking … too fucking gay.
A knock on his door.
Mike didn’t answer.
“Hi.” Mike was disappointed that it was El and not Will.
That, finally, was the straw that broke the camel’s back. His disappointment that it was his girlfriend and not his best friend was finally what made Mike realize that he had to break up with her. He couldn’t go on like this anymore. It wasn’t fair to her. Not when he was…
El sat down beside Mike on the bed.
“You’re acting weird,” El said.
“Yeah,” Mike agreed.
“Why?”
“I can’t tell you.”
“But … friends don’t lie.”
“I’m not lying when I say I can’t tell you, El. I really can’t.”
“Okay.”
El took his hand and squeezed it. She was too kind to him. What had he ever done to deserve her?
“We …” Mike swallowed. “We have to break up.”
“Oh.” El pulled her hand away. “Oh.”
“I’m just… You deserve someone better.”
“I don’t want someone better. I want you.”
But I don’t want you. I wish I did. I wish it more than anything in the entire world. (Except for maybe one thing.)
But I do not want you.
“I’m really sorry, El.”
El was silent for a really long time. Then she started crying, and Mike hugged her, and thankfully she let him.
“I love you, El,” Mike whispered into her hair. “Just… not like that. I’m sorry.”
El just kept crying.
The Byers — Joyce, Hopper, Jonathan, El and Will — left the next day. Mike felt like he was on the verge of throwing up the whole day.
Joyce hugged him goodbye and ruffled his hair. Jonathan hugged him and made him promise to take care of himself. Hopper clapped his shoulder, then pulled him in for a real hug.
El hesitated in front of him, her eyes wet with tears. “Will you write?”
“Yes,” Mike promised easily. As long as they weren’t love letters, he could write to her every single day. “I promise.”
“Good.” Then she wrapped her arms around him. “I love you too.”
Then it was time to say goodbye to Will. They stood in front of each other awkwardly. Mike wished more than anything that he could know what Will was thinking. Was he angry about D&D yesterday? Or was he just sad that he was leaving?
Was he going to think about Mike every second of every day, like Mike would think about Will? Was he going to imagine them holding hands, going on dates, kissing, sleeping together, making a life together, doing everything Mike knew they could never do?
“I’m gonna miss you, Mike,” Will said, his voice thick with tears.
They hugged for a long time. It took Mike a few seconds before he managed to push the words out through the knot in his throat: “I’m gonna miss you too, Will.”
And that was almost like saying ‘I love you’, wasn’t it?