Chapter Text
“We’re going to be late.”
A Hydra goon toppled over from the force of a red, white, and blue shield slamming into his side. Two more were taken out in the ricochet.
“It’s barely—” Tony glanced at the clock on the computer console he was currently cracking. “Noon.” They were technically supposed to have arrived at the venue fifteen minutes ago, if they had been living in an ideal world. Sadly, Hydra had proved this was not the case.
“I don’t want to be late to our wedding,” Steve said, catching the shield. “Again.”
Tony smiled. “Relax, we knew this might happen. That’s why we booked the place out for the day. We’re on a rolling schedule, nothing starts until we’re there and ready.” They had made enough attempts at a wedding to realize they needed to be a little bit more flexible at how it was going to go.
“Just tell me you’re almost done.”
“Five more minutes, tops,” Tony said, typing the last few lines of code needed to take over Hydra’s systems and get the data they needed.
Tony's ears popped.
Then came a sudden, disorienting change in perspective. Tony shook his head and realized he was looking up at the console instead of down at it. The musty smell of the base was now overwhelming, eliciting a sneeze from Tony and as he went to cover it, he registered tiny, grabby hands on a pointed nose. If that weren’t enough, his undersuit now pooled around him, leaving him bare but for a coat of fur that had sprung up all over his body.
Tony screamed—or rather screeched.
The sound was cut short when a blond raccoon, twice Tony’s size, barreled into him. On pure instinct, Tony screeched some more and tried to bite it. They tangled for a few minutes on the dirty floor before the raccoon—the other raccoon—pinned Tony down.
Heart pounding, Tony struggled in the hold. The giant raccoon didn’t seem to care in the least that Tony had his tail in his mouth.
Then Tony’s brain caught up with him. An over-sized blond raccoon.
Huh.
Tony stopped fighting and let the other raccoon’s tail drop from his mouth. The other raccoon— Steve—didn't seem to know what to do now Tony head stopped biting him.
To be fair, Tony didn't know what to do either. The universe wasn't just allowed to turn him and his husband-to-be into raccoons, not on their (fourth attempted) wedding day. Hydra didn’t usually deal in magic; they were usually a lasers-and-stolen-space-technology type of outfit. Why the hell were they adding magical defenses to their systems?
The gross injustice of it all weighed Tony’s tiny raccoon body down so much he melted into a furry puddle. Steve nuzzled him. Tony sighed and nuzzled Steve back. If Tony believed in a higher power, he’d be starting to suspect that it didn’t want him to marry the love of his life.
Wait.
The wedding.
Thor and Strange and Wanda and potentially a dozen other magic users were going to be there. Probably. One of them would be able to pop them back to their human selves no problem, possibly even in time for the ceremony. They just had to get there.
Problem #1: Piloting the suit.
The suit was currently their best way out. Unfortunately, Tony did not look like himself and raccoon chitters wouldn’t cut it for an override code.
Tony got up and started nosing around for other options. Steve trailed behind him. The bunker was rather musty, but well stocked for illegal tech operations. There was even a Twinkie hidden in a desk drawer, a siren call so powerful Tony stopped everything he was doing to scuffle with Steve over it.
Steve hissed at him and scurried away with the snack clutched between his hands. Tony bolted after him, determined to claim the golden prize for himself. The two of them tussled, biting and scratching and tearing at the wrapper until the treat itself popped out and onto the floor. Tony scarfed it down in one bite while Steve looked on in pure jealousy.
Not very fitting for a husband, Steve.
Eventually, Tony (and only Tony as Steve was sulking in a corner) was able to pull out the necessary cables and connections to hook up the suit. If he used the console as an intermediary and gained access to the systems, he could easily reprogram the suit to be raccoon-friendly and get them out of there.
A big jolt caused Tony's back paw to slip and land on Steve's face. Steve grumbled.
Even with Tony's modifications, it wasn't exactly easy to pilot the armor. It simply wasn't built to be controlled by two raccoons in a (metaphorical) trench coat. Thankfully, they were almost there.
Which is how they came to Problem #1B: Landing.
Landing was a more delicate operation than many realized. Tony had to maintain a careful balance of different forces, avoid obstacles, and crucially, check that whatever he landed on could take the weight of the suit. Tony did it as easy as breathing these days, thanks to a combination of practice and automated systems in the suit.
Human Tony did it as easy as breathing. Raccoon Tony had a slightly different experience.
Tony didn't think he did too bad, all things considered. He might have wrecked the patio chair and put a minor dent in the floor, but that was just cosmetic (probably) and the streetlight outside could be replaced.
Popping open the suit, Tony and Steve poked their heads out of the armor just in time for Pepper and Rhodey to spill out of the main hall and onto the patio.
"Tony, what the hell is going on? Where is Steve? Are you—" Pepper stopped mid-sentence when she saw two raccoons stacked on top of each other inside the armor.
Rhodey started laughing. "You've got to be kidding me."
Pepper stood there in open-mouthed shock. "Tony?"
Tony made some vaguely affirmative noises at her and hopped down from atop Steve. Raccoon vocal cords left something to be desired.
"That's really you?” Pepper looked at Tony and then the larger blond raccoon emerging from the armor. “...and Steve?"
Steve made raccoon noises.
Pepper groaned. "What are we going to do? I don't want to cancel another wedding."
Tony had to agree. He put too much effort in for their wedding to end like this. Everything was lined up; they just needed to be human again.
The door to the main hall opened again.
"Everything okay out here?" Sam said as he and Bucky took in the scene. They looked like they didn’t know what to make of it: the (minor) patio damage, the empty armor, and two raccoons out in broad daylight.
"No!" Pepper shouted.
Rhodey grimaced and made a so-so motion with his hand.
"Where are they?" Bucky asked. "And what's with the raccoons?"
"Maybe back up a bit. I’m not driving anyone to the hospital if they get rabies," Sam said warily.
Tony chirped angrily at him. Rabies? How rude!
"They’re right here." Rhodey gestured to Steve and Tony’s raccoonish selves. “They’ve found yet another way to sabotage their own wedding—becoming small and furry.”
This required an even louder, angrier chirp in response. It wasn’t like the had done this on purpose.
"How sure are you that that's them?" Sam asked.
"Uhhh," Rhodey said. “We could be a bit surer to be honest.”
"It does look like them," Bucky considered
“Well, that’s number four in the dumps. It’s a good thing Stark has money to burn because I don’t want to think about how much even one of these weddings would set me back.” Sam shook his head with far more judgment than was warranted. Tony would have liked to have gotten married the first time around, but unfortunately, the chaos that comes with being an Avenger got in the way.
Bucky stared at Steve and Tony intently for several moments, before offering, "Maybe we should just stick them in bow ties and put them in front of the altar."
Pepper pinched the bridge of her nose. "Don't even joke about that. Do you know how much work I've done coordinating four weddings for these idiots? if this it ends up in the papers as a—a—trash panda wedding, I'm done."
"Let's call it a backup plan then,” Rhodey said glibly. “Anyone see Strange or Wong?"
Tony chittered gleefully. This was why he was friends with Rhodey.
Pepper shook her head. "Last I saw, they were on the news fighting...something in London. It had too many faces."
“I haven’t seen Wanda either,” Bucky added.
Sam said, "Thor might know something. Come on, he’s been hugging the buffet table pretty hard."
"Well, worth a try." Rhodey shrugged and opened the door for Tony and Steve.
Inside, they, indeed, found Thor by the buffet table, eating lamb chops and pastries and whatever else Tony had signed off on with the caterer. Just like with the Twinkie, the food smelled so irresistibly good to Tony's raccoon nose that his brain immediately switched tracks. He climbed on the table, Steve right beside him.
"That is rude, dear rabbits." Big, burly arms wrapped around Tony and Steve, lifting them from the table.
Tony bit the nearest scrap of bare skin he could reach, albeit to little effect.
Frown more than evident in his voice, Thor rumbled, "You're not being good guests."
"Thor, that's Tony and Steve." Pepper grimaced. "Probably"
Rhodey added, "Do you know anything about how to turn them back?"
Thor shrugged, tilting his arms enough that Tony and Steve almost spilled out of them. "My knowledge of shape-changing magic leaves much to be desired. If my brother were here..."
Pulling himself loose from Thor’s embrace, Tony dropped to the floor and began to chitter angrily. Steve joined him, nibbling on his ear, which was kind of nice. Too bad it wasn't helping the fact they were stuck as raccoons for the foreseeable future, unless Strange or Wong or Wanda decided to actually show up. They RSVP-ed; they should be here.
Looking utterly defeated, Pepper pulled out here phone. "I'm calling this off."
Steve trilled sharply and stood tall on his hide legs.
"Steve?" Bucky said.
Steve shook his head. He took Tony's hand-paw.
Already knowing what Steve was thinking, Tony made an inquisitive noise. Was he sure?
Seeing that the humans weren’t getting it, Steve grabbed a calamari ring off the buffet table and presented it to Tony. Tony snapped it up in a single bite, but it looked like everyone else got it. If they didn't do it now, when would they? Tony didn't mind throwing money at another wedding or five, but they needed to face it: there would always be interruptions. If Steve didn’t mind a trash panda wedding, then neither did Tony.
Sam looked around at the group before his eyes landed on Steve and Tony. "Are we really doing this?"
Steve and Tony nodded together.
"I'll get the rings and bow ties then." Rhodey said.
Pepper, somehow looking even more defeated than before, sighed. "I'll let everyone know the ceremony will be starting soon."
Everything came together quickly after that. Rhodey returned with the bow ties and, together with Bucky, got them on Tony and Steve. They even spent a few minutes giving Steve and Tony a quick brush. When their time was up, they were about as presentable as two raccoons could get.
The ceremony started a swell of music. Despite the many rehearsals, Steve and Tony skitter down the center aisle together, much too impatient to slowly march. They settle on top of the altar much to the shock of Sam, who was officiating.
"Oh hell," Sam quietly swore, before he cleared his throat and spoke directly into his microphone. "Thank you, everyone, for coming out again. You might have noticed we’ve encountered some setbacks today." Laughter filled the hall. Sam relaxed and continued. "But the grooms are intent on carrying on. They can’t tell you themselves right now, so I’ll say it: thanks for sticking with them even when they get themselves turned into backyard pests."
The crowd laughed some more—Thor and Bruce and Clint and even Natasha. Peter and May and Happy and Pepper. Phil and Maria and Fury. Heroes, soldiers, spies, government agents, engineers, and office workers. People that Steve or Tony had saved, people that had saved them. They had all taken time out of their lives to be here for them, many of them had done it multiple times.
Tony sometimes forgot how lucky he was.
Sam opened his book. “Now, we’re gathered here today to finally see these two married, so let’s get to it. Fourth time’s the charm, right?”
There was scattered cheering from the crowd at that and a few whistles, most notably from Clint.
“I have never in my life met two men more married than Steve and Tony. Long before there was even a hint of actual romance, these two were married. Anyone who has heard them bicker knows,” Sam said, pausing for a response he must have known was coming.
Natasha didn’t disappoint. “I had to listen to them for five years!”
“They faced many obstacles to get here, some world ending, some ridiculous”—Sam shot them both looks at that—“but they stuck together throughout it. Even when circumstances tore them apart, they always came back together.”
Tony looked at Steve. He might be a raccoon now, but he was just so essentially Steve in the way he acted, so solid and staid and giving. This was the man Tony wanted to marry and grow old with.
Rhodey came forward with the rings.
“With that in mind, Steven Grant Rogers, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?”
Steve chirped affirmatively and nodded.
“I’ll take that as an ‘I do,’” Sam said, grinning.
Tony snatched the closest ring off the pillow and after some struggle got it on Steve's hand-paw. Steve picked up the other ring and turned to Tony.
Sam continued, “Anthony Edward Stark, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?”
Tony chirped too and held his paw out for the ring. Steve placed the ring on.
“I now pronounce you married,” Sam finished. “You may kiss or whatever it is raccoons do.”
And they did.
Much later, after hours of trial-and-error spellcasting, Steve and Tony were back to normal. They immediately retired to their private rooms for the night.
A while, but not too much longer after that, they collapsed into bed together, sweaty and pleased.
“We could wind things back a bit. Have another go at a ceremony?” Tony offered. The whole thing hadn’t felt quite real.
Steve shook his head, burying his lips in Tony’s hair. “No, this was good. We’re married now. That’s all that matters.”
“Ten years from now, we can renew our vows. Make it properly romantic.” Tony nodded, mostly to himself. He could picture it, even grander than the wedding.
“You think we’ll still be together then?” Steve kissed the side of Tony’s head, pulling him in closer to cuddle. “You must really like me, huh?”
Tony captured Steve’s left hand and admired the gold band on his finger. “Well, I put a ring on it for a reason.”