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Evan Buckley had a secret.
A secret that he hadn’t ever told anyone. Not Bobby, not Chim or Hen, not Eddie, not even Maddie.
Three people knew the truth.
The truth being; the lightning strike wasn’t the first time he had died.
On Christmas morning when Evan was twelve, he’d ripped the wrapping paper off a snowboard from Maddie, who didn’t come home for Christmas for the first time. Doug wanted to see his parents and it was their first Christmas as an engaged couple, so Maddie had agreed.
Evan had opened his presents alone- his father was watching the news in the lounge and his mother hadn’t left bed all day. His parents had gotten him a new winter coat and gloves. The gloves were green and Evan hated green, but they were warm and coupled with the snowboard from Maddie, he knew what his afternoon was going to be.
Without a word, he put his new coat and gloves on, his snow pants, and boots, then took off into the beautiful untouched snow of the early morning. He walked by a few houses, seeing families sitting around trees together and kept walking.
This hill was the best in the neighborhood. It went all the way down to a wooded area, complete with a little creek at the bottom. All the kids around him always went sledding here, he even joined them a few times. But now, he sat on the top of the hill alone, fitting his feet into the little slots. He wiggled until he stood properly.
It had to be like riding a skateboard, right?
He only made it five feet before he fell over, snow flying around him like dust. He huffed, pushing himself back up. He tried again and his board got stuck on a piece of wood.
Eventually, he made it all the way down to the bottom without falling. He ran back up the hill, went back down, and went until his lungs felt like they were going to burst from the cold air.
“Last time,” Evan murmured to himself as he stood up. He maneuvered his weight and started down the hill again. Only this time, a rabbit jumped right into his path and he gasped, shifting quickly to avoid it.
The next thing he knew was a biting cold and then… nothing. He’d never been so cold before and then it was just numb. He wasn’t sure how long he drifted in the darkness before a voice, familiar but not known was pleading.
C’mon kid, wake up. Don’t do this. Wake up, kid! Don’t die on me! Really wish you’d open your eyes! Open your eyes!
A weird sparkly feeling filled Evan’s chest, a weird itch entered his skin, and he could feel the words in his fingertips. His whole body wanted to give this person what they wanted, so… he opened his eyes.
He saw his neighbor, Mr. Highland. A guy around his parents age- no wife or kids. He was the gym teacher and driving instructor at the high school. Maddie had really liked him. The hill was right next to his property.
Mr. Highland gasped out a sob and pressed his hands to Evan’s face. “Kid, can you hear me?”
Evan nodded, wanting to sit up but his whole body felt like it was going to turn into lead.
“You weren’t breathing,” the man whispered, mostly to himself. “I thought…” He shook his head. “Let’s get you home.”
Mr. Highland pulled Evan’s new winter coat off, tore his gloves off, and draped his own coat over his shoulders, shoving Evan’s shaking blue fingers into warm wool mittens. Mr. Highland looked a little stupid walking around in just a sweater and winter cap. His parents’ Christmas gifts stayed at the bottom of the hill. Mr. Highland carried Evan up the hill with one arm, dragging the snowboard with the other.
Looking back, he wondered if the man would’ve made a good firefighter. Or maybe it was the pure adrenaline he’d been feeling.
But Evan had just tucked his head down, feeling like a very small child once again, and allowed himself to be carried back home.
And then he was sitting in his kitchen, a warm cup of tea in front of him, and he was wrapped in thick clothes and bundled in blankets. He heard bits and pieces of the conversation from the living room as Mr. Highland spoke to his parents.
“- he wasn’t breathing. He didn’t have a pulse-”
“- he’d been in the creek for almost two minutes before I could get him out-”
“- he was nearly all blue-”
His mother had been hysterical for a few minutes, his father had said a lot in his silence, and then Mr. Highland was leaving and the house went quiet again. Evan poured his full tea cup down the drain and put it in the dishwasher before going up to his room.
~
Let’s get the record straight, okay?
Buck did not report to Santa Claus.
If the guy existed, Buck had never met him and he didn’t want to. Keeps the spirit alive. They were in different sectors, he always joked with himself. Wish lists and wishes were two different things- two sides of the same coin.
And look, he’d tried every address online to get in touch with the man himself. He’d used up all his mother’s stamps when he was eighteen and had locked himself in his room, feeling like a complete fool as he wrote out Santa Claus on the front of the envelopes.
He just thought, you know, his Christmas Magic, and Santa’s Christmas magic, maybe they could join forces for the greater good!
He never got a response. He wasn’t bitter, really, he wasn’t. But fuck Santa, if he existed, just a little bit. If he was real, Buck had questions about Christmas magic and he had never gotten any answers.
All he knew was that from the first second of December First to the last second of Christmas Eve, he could grant Christmas wishes. A little bit of magic lodged in his being.
It had taken him a hell of a long time to figure it all out. The itching under his skin, the words he could hear, the way he could make it real.
I wish my mom felt better.
I wish that my sister’s life is better next year.
I wish-
I wish-
I wish-
Really wish you’d open your eyes.
The first wish Evan Buckley had ever granted was from Gerald Highland. Who had seen a young boy swerve into a creek and not come back out. He’d run down the hill and dragged the kid’s body out of the water and used every ounce of his CPR training to bring him back. He’d cried and made a wish that Evan Buckley would open his eyes.
The wishes had to be of pure intent. Buck couldn’t hear them if they were of superficial means. Wants of a sports car, a designer purse, a CEO raise- no. He could only help with wishes if they were said with love and kindness.
He could only grant wishes if they were said directly to him. It was one of the reasons he’d gotten a job as a bartender so often. Drunk thoughts were true thoughts, people say. But he heard more drunken confessions than anything. But when he saw firefighters on TV, a light bulb lit in his head.
He could be around the greater public, doing a good job, hearing people who would want good things with pure intentions. It’s a win-win in his book.
It worked, too! He’d granted so many wishes on the job in the past nine years, more than he’d done before all combined. He’d made a good choice almost a decade ago when he applied for the LAFD fire academy.
Now he was here- sitting at the table of the Diaz kitchen, writing his list of Christmas gifts. Eddie was out in the backyard, on the phone with his parents, breaking the news that he would not be coming back for Christmas with Chris this year.
“Do you think Christmas makes Dad sad?” Christopher asked suddenly, looking up from his math homework.
Buck looked up from his little notebook, pencil eraser in his teeth. “Hm?”
“I don’t know,” Chris mumbled, shoving his own pen into the paper so hard that he was worried it would break. “Sometimes I worry that he hates Christmas and is just placating me.”
“Your dad doesn’t hate Christmas,” Buck said. “I think it’s just hard when your family is spread out, you know? Wanting to be with some of them means you can’t be with all of them.”
“Is that how you feel about your parents? Since they’re in Pennsylvania, I mean.”
I died on Christmas and my parents didn’t give a fuck.
“No,” Buck said carefully. “But we never really did holidays at my house, when I was growing up, not really. After Maddie moved out, especially, they were just another day. She was always the one setting up the tree, doing the decorations and stuff. But I didn’t really celebrate again until I found the 118.” He nudged his elbow into Chris’s. “And you and your dad.”
A faint smile spread across the teenager’s face. “I like when you’re here for Christmas.”
“That’s good,” Buck teased. “I was hoping to be invited again.”
“I think you’ll always be invited.”
Christopher’s words warmed a still frozen part of Buck’s heart. He swallowed thickly, looking down at his notebook for a minute before he reached over and gave his arm a squeeze. “You’ll always be welcome wherever I am too, kid.”
Silence fell between them for a moment and then Christopher heaved a sigh that was too heavy for a boy his age. “I just…” He looked up at Buck. “I just wish my dad was completely happy.”
~
The thing about the Diaz boys is that they had a lot of pure intention wishes. Like, so many. They were just both so naturally good that a lot of what they wished for was said purely. It was almost annoying.
Granting wishes wasn’t like a lot of people thought. He had a certain… magic that followed him during the month, but he couldn’t really snap his fingers and make things happen. Sometimes, he could. It drained him, though. Like he’d run a marathon while holding two baby rhinos. Like one year, a woman had lost her engagement ring in a drain pipe (I just wish I had it back! It was his grandmother’s ring and she just died and-) and he’d just concentrated really hard and then it appeared in his palm. He’d pretended like it had rolled around the edge of the grate and was sitting on the pavement and she had thought it went down, but she’d been so relieved that she didn’t even question it.
Other times, it took a little more thought. A solider at a bus crash, trying to get to his daughter’s choir recital before her solo to surprise her (I just wish I could see her sing on stage) and in the back of his head, he could hear the choir start their piece. It had been Eddie’s idea to take him in the engine, but Buck had carefully manipulated traffic and green lights and everything in between to make sure they were in the parking lot as she had stepped up to the microphone.
It wasn’t a science, Buck wasn’t going to pretend it was. He wasn’t sure how it worked, what he was actually capable of, and at this point, he wasn’t going to try and find answers.
But wishes like this one? A lot harder than anything else.
As always, when the wish was said to Buck, he felt it. Like words being woven into a tapestry of his being. It itched. Just under his skin. The relief of granting the wish was working hard all day and sinking into warm bathwater to soothe your joints.
Diaz Wishes, as he affectionately called them, were never for things. Nothing physical. Sure, occasionally Buck would hear a “I wish I could get this game” from Chris, but since it wasn’t a pure wish, it never bothered him.
The first wish he’d granted for them was Shannon.
They’d been out to see Santa, Eddie had unloaded his situation about them sleeping together, and then when they’d gathered Christopher from the line, he’d been tight lipped about what he’d asked for. It was just an hour later, when Eddie had gone off to get them hot chocolates, that Chris had let it slip.
“I wished for my mom to come back.”
Subtly, Buck had nudged Eddie in the way of letting Shannon back in. He was always going to, always going to let Shannon be a part of their lives again, but in the New Year. But then, Buck had told him to ask Christopher about the Santa visit and…
Anyway. He’d just been happy that they had one last Christmas together before Shannon passed.
The following year, two wishes, said in the same day, just minutes apart.
I just wish I could be with my kid for Christmas.
I just wish my dad could be with me on Christmas.
Getting the troops together to throw a party in the firehouse loft had been easy, but the look on Eddie’s face when he’d realized what Buck and Athena had done? Well. It made dying as a kid worth it, really.
Little wishes had been granted through the years. Their wishes said to Buck were usually about the other. Chris wished things would be easier for his dad, so Buck stepped in to grant those wishes. Eddie usually wished that Chris was happier, so Buck made sure to take them out on fun day trips to keep spirits high. Nothing was a hard ship and the itching under his skin was gone, usually, within a day or two of being there.
This, though? This was different.
The itching under his skin hummed in a slightly off tune. When Buck was outside the Diaz door, he could physically feel Eddie’s happiness, without seeing him. Here, on the porch, he could feel that Eddie’s happiness was at about… 78%. High, honestly. Through the closed door, he could hear music playing softly and Chris yelling at a video game in his room.
When he opened the door and stepped in, he headed toward the kitchen where Eddie was, predictably, washing dishes with his phone in his pocket, playing a Christmas album in Spanish. When Eddie turned to look at him, a smile on his face, his happiness went up to a 98.4%.
Buck stumbled into a kitchen chair, nearly folding in half over it, huffing out a loud oof.
Eddie’s eyes went wide and he turned off the faucet, rushing over. “What the hell, man? You just totally-”
“Lost in my head,” Buck mumbled, cheeks ablaze as he righted the chair and himself. “Just knocked the wind out of myself, ignore me.”
“Hard to ignore when you’re stumbling around like a baby elephant.”
98.9%.
Buck got over his humiliation and looked up at Eddie.
Eddie’s face was relaxed, eyes gentle and so warm. His teasing words were said from a place of love, of a fondness that had been between them for almost a decade at this point.
He must’ve been staring at Eddie for a hot minute, because Eddie’s eyebrows furrowed on his forehead and he stepped forward, placing his hand on Buck’s shoulder, thumb pressed into his bare neck. “You alright?”
Could Eddie feel the way his pulse raced under the touch? Probably not. If Eddie knew about the love that thrummed in Buck’s heart, his happiness would drop like lead in water.
Buck gave his best friend a small smile, gently shrugging his hand off his shoulder and gave his elbow a squeeze. “I’m good, Eds.”
Eddie gave him a smile, but it was weird…
The second his hand dropped from Buck’s shoulder, Eddie’s happiness dropped to 96.3%.
~
Falling in love with Eddie Diaz was like the first fall of snow.
Quiet, slow, and all surrounding.
Something he didn’t realize was happening until it was already done.
Evan Buckley had always loved the first snow.
It all made sense somehow.
~
“Okay, picture it,” Christopher said, walking into the kitchen where Buck and Eddie were sitting, cards in hand.
“This ought to be good,” Eddie muttered, placing his cards face-down on the table.
Buck kicked his shin under the table and dodged the returned blow. He put his hands over his eyes dramatically and said. “Okay. Empty slate. Picturing it.”
“All three of us, Christmas day, in New York City. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York style.”
“If we’re doing Home Alone 2, shouldn’t Buck and I stay here?” Eddie asked.
Buck laughed, dropping his hands back to the table. “Or go to Florida? That’s where they went in the second, right?”
Chris groaned dramatically. “C’mon. I’m almost sixteen and I’ve never had a snowy Christmas. That’s child neglect.”
“I had plenty of snowy Christmases and tons of child neglect, trust me, the two do not go hand in hand,” Buck said, taking a sip of his beer and Eddie snorted.
“Can we at least think about it?” Chris pressed. “I keep seeing videos on TikTok about snowy New York.”
“And as we know, everything on TikTok is completely accurate,” Eddie said, with a grin.
Kicking out the chair between the two, Christopher heaved himself down with a heavy sigh. “If we act now, tickets are at their lowest,” he added.
“Buck and I work the week of Christmas,” Eddie reminded him gently. “We’re only off Christmas Eve and the actual day. It’d been a really short trip.”
“Maybe we can start planning for next year,” Buck jumped in. “We can put in the requests off now, and take your entire winter break in the city.”
Chris split into a huge grin, the kind that took up his entire face. It was hard to look away from that kind of happiness. But from the corner of his eye, Buck felt Eddie’s eyes on him. When he glanced over, he saw Eddie, eyes a bit glassy and lip tucked tightly between his teeth.
He turned his head in question, but Eddie blinked himself out of it and shook his own head. But he was smiling still, picking up his cards to resume their game. His foot came out again, but not to retaliate this time. Eddie just hooked their ankles together and played his next card.
99.01%.
Hm. Maybe Eddie wanted to go to NYC a lot more than he was letting on.
~
Being around Christopher was a main part of Eddie’s happiness. They would be at work and his happiness level would be around a 40%, mostly. Eddie loved his job, but if they arrived to the Diaz house together, Eddie’s happiness always shot up to the high nineties.
But at the end of the night, when Buck would get up and do his going-home routine, he’d open the front door of the South Bedford house and feel the happiness drop back down to the seventies.
He wondered if the house had a weird draft. He’d look into getting Eddie a little heater for the hall.
~
“-and then the deer ran into the window and it went all over the place!” The girl was exclaiming, sitting on the curb of the road outside her house with Buck. She was gesturing wildly, eyes wide and face flushed with adrenaline. “Mom grabbed me! But the deer was still running!”
The mother in question was sitting in the back of the ambulance as Hen stitched up her arm where the deer antler had tore her skin open.
“That sounds crazy,” Buck said, legs stretched out in front of him and arms propping him up from behind. His turnout coat was over little River’s shoulders and she was swimming in it.
“I was good, though,” River informed him, hitting a fist into her palm. “Mom told me to stay calm and I did. And she told me to stay away and I did.”
Buck nodded seriously, “You were very good. It’s always important that you listen to your parents- they’re just trying to keep you safe.”
“And for Santa,” River added.
“Oh, and for Santa,” Buck agreed, fighting the wrinkle of his nose. “Have you written him a letter yet?”
River gasped, sitting up straight, clutching the edges of his coat. “Yes! I sent it two days ago!”
“It should just be getting there now,” Buck said. “Plenty of time for him to go over it.” He assumed. Different sectors.
“Do you think it’s snowing in the North Pole?”
“I think it’s always at least snowy there, yeah,” Buck said. “I think to keep up appearances and stuff.” He waved a hand in front of him.
River’s bottom lip pouted out and she folded her arms over her knees. “I’ve never seen snow,” she mumbled. “Lived in stupid California my whole life.” Her whole life of six years. She sighed heavily, with the weight of many lives lived. “I wish I could see snow.”
The itch spread under his skin, smooth and instant. He glanced over, to each side. Hen was still stitching the woman’s arm, Chim was giving her an IV, and Ravi was sweeping up the broken glass as Bobby checked the yard to make sure the deer was long gone. He wasn’t sure where Eddie was, but he assumed he was in the ambulance.
“Can you keep a secret?” Buck whispered.
Kids were easy in this way. If they saw magic, no one believed them and it gave them a beautiful moment to look back on.
River nodded quickly, “I’m a good secret keeper,” she informed him. “I didn’t tell anyone that Mom got Grandmama a new scarf that’s pink. I didn’t tell anyone.”
Buck smiled softly, “Can you hold out your hand?”
She thrust a hand out and he turned it lightly so her palm was facing up. He held his own hand above hers. Snow began to swirl between their fingertips and River gasped, sitting up fully. His turnout coat fell to the sidewalk.
River’s eyes were wide as she stared at the snowflakes falling into her skin, melting almost as soon as they touched down. “You’re magic,” she whispered. “Are you Santa?”
He laughed, “No, I’m not Santa.”
“But magic,” she said, unable to look away from the small snow storm between them.
“Magic,” he murmured.
River reached out and pinched one of the snowflakes between her fingers, a soft giggle leaving her. The itching subsided from her wish.
“Buck?” Came a quiet, gentle voice from behind him.
He dropped his hand, grateful that he’d kept their moment of magic away from prying eyes. He felt tired now. He looked over his shoulder to see Eddie standing there, eyebrows furrowed.
“What’s up?” he asked.
“Um, Georgia is all good to go. Her husband just got here and he’s gonna drive them to the hospital to stop the ambulance charge. We can-” As he spoke, River jumped up and ran to her father, already going a million miles a minute about what had happened.
Buck stood, brushing the grass residue from his pants and he gathered his coat.
76.5%.
He looked up to see Eddie looking at him, a soft mix of confusion and fondness on his face.
“You okay?” he asked him.
Eddie blinked a few times, smiling softly. “Yeah, c’mon. Let’s go. Bobby promised to make chicken stew for lunch.”
~
“I usually wait til Christmas Eve to wrap presents,” Buck informed Eddie as they sat cross legged in Eddie’s living room.
95.2%.
The Christmas tree was the only light they had- beside the TV that was open to Buck’s wintery vibes playlist. Buck was keeping his gaze down on the ribbon that had somehow wormed its way into some very impressive form of bondage around his legs. But the bow on top of Maddie’s new set of soft blue cookware said that the battle was worth it. If keeping his gaze down meant he wasn’t seeing the way the soft gold lights reflected in Eddie’s brown eyes, it was just an added bonus. It just meant that Buck wasn’t going to do something stupid, like confess his love or try to kiss him.
“Christmas Eve?” Eddie echoed and the disbelief in his voice was so palpable that Buck had no choice to look up. Eddie’s face was covered in horror. “You- what? Doesn’t that give you anxiety?”
Buck flexed his muscles teasingly, using the empty tubes as weights as he lifted them up. “It’s what I thrive on. Chaos.”
Eddie reached over and grabbed his own completely empty tube of wrapping paper and whacked it on top of Buck’s head. “No wonder you look so exhausted every Christmas! You’re up all hours of the night, probably covered in tape and paper cuts!”
“All night?” Buck asked. “How long do you think it takes me to wrap?”
Leveling him with a deadpan look, Eddie said, “Last year alone, you bought Chris- just Chris- fourteen presents.”
The loud sputter that left Buck didn’t stop Eddie from continuing, “And you bought Jee like… half of Toys-R-Us.”
“Toys-R-Us went out of business like fifty years ago-”
“And you got everyone on A-Shift at least one gift- you got me like six, Maddie got like ten and-”
“Okay, okay! I have a spending problem and procrastination issues! This is the season of giving and you are not giving me any grace.”
96.8%.
Eddie laughed and he grinned at Buck and oh, this is exactly what Buck had been trying to avoid. Eddie was surrounded in Christmas light, eyes sparkling and all of that was directed completely at Buck. Couple that with the soft, fond look on Eddie’s face? What was a heartsick man to do?
Well, maybe not what Buck did.
He slid his hands down to the end of the empty tubes and started whacking them against Eddie’s knees to a very familiar beat. Bun duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nah nah psh. “I can feel it, coming in the air tonight, oh lord. I’ve been waiting-”
“I am not a drum set, Buckley,” Eddie laughed, snatching the opposite ends of the makeshift drumsticks. “Especially if you’re gonna butcher my man Phil Collins like that.”
“I forgot about your close personal friendship with Phil,” Buck conceded. “I forgot you get nightly, intimate performances where he croons at you over the phone.”
“Tarzan on repeat,” Eddie confirmed.
Buck tugged on the tubes, trying to pull them free of Eddie’s grip. But Eddie’s brow lowered and he pulled back. Buck tilted his head and yanked. Eddie scooted across the rug and clenched his jaw, yanking back just as hard until their knees were pressed together. Buck tightened his grip, leaning back as he jerked backwards, using the force of his body to pull the tubes free.
But Eddie was also a firefighter with a very strong grip and instead of the tubes ripping in half, or Eddie letting go, or anything like that, Eddie tumbled forward as Buck’s back hit the floor, landing on top of Buck with a very loud hrmph. His chin dug into Buck’s chest.
Buck lifted his head, arms splayed out on his sides. “Huh. Hi.”
Eddie snorted, tucking his face down into Buck’s sternum. “Hi.”
99.0%.
“Come here often?” Buck could feel Eddie’s soft, warm breaths against his thin sweater. It made him want to shut his eyes and fall asleep.
“My house? More often than you think.”
Buck released the wrapping paper tubes and slung his arms loosely around Eddie’s shoulders. He felt a small shudder leave Eddie and his hands slid to Buck’s sides, gripping the material between his fingers, all tension leaving his body. A soft hum left Eddie.
99.6%.
Buck let one hand slide from his shoulder to Eddie’s hair, scratching gently at his scalp. “You good?” he whispered softly.
99.8%.
He could feel Eddie’s heartbeat, sure and strong against his tummy. Eddie slowly lifted his head, meeting Buck’s gaze. “Buck, I need to tell you something,” he whispered back.
With their eyes level now, Buck slid his hands to Eddie’s cheek, without a thought to it. “What’s wrong?” he asked, trying to read the answer on his face.
“Nothing’s wrong, I… Buck, I’m-”
“Can I come out now or are you still wrapping my presents?” Christopher called down the hall from his partially cracked door.
Eddie sat up, cheeks pink. He ran a hand through his hair and offered his hand to Buck to lift him upright. But he let go as soon as Buck was sitting up.
“Yeah, Chris, we’re working on Jee’s gifts now,” Eddie said back.
91.3%.
Buck didn’t really have an answer for that drop.
~
A week before Christmas, Buck felt like he’d rolled in fire ants. He’d never gone so long without granting a wish and god, this was torture. He wasn’t sleeping. He would just sit in bed and stare at the ceiling.
He was getting a bit snippy, but luckily everyone thought it was just holiday anxiety, which Buck was prone to getting. He’d start rethinking his gift ideas, questioning if he’d bought enough, or if he should just go out and get Chris one more present-
But this wasn’t holiday jitters.
He felt a bit like a creep. He was staring at Eddie almost every second they were near each other, so much so that his eyes were likely to start watering whenever they hung out because he felt like he would blink and miss the answer.
He was dropping hints, asking questions in a very subtle and nonchalant way;
“Hey, Eddie, do you think true happiness is achievable? And if so, what does that look like for you?”
Eddie had given him some diplomatic answer in the firehouse loft, saying that if he had a roof over his head, a happy son, and good friends and family, then blah blah blah, boring ass shit. Clearly not true! Because Eddie had all those things and he was still sitting at an average of 98.4%!
And it was even worse now because they were sitting on the couch in the Diaz living room, a movie on the TV, a beer in front of each of them, and Chris down the hall, playing League of Legends with his friends, and Eddie was sitting steady at 97.2%.
Buck’s knee was jumping. He could see it. He knew he was losing his mind, he knew that he was going to fuck this up, god, why did this have to happen? What would even happen? He’d never not granted a wish in time for Christmas, so what was the outcome going to be? Would he just start to drown on land, the stream finally claiming its prize since he didn’t do his job that it had bestowed? Was the stream even the answer to this all? Would something happen to the wish granter? Oh, shit, he hadn’t even thought about that. Would Christopher be able to make anymore wishes? What if-
“Buck, Jesus-” Eddie’s hand was warm on his knee, even through the woven blanket. “What’s wrong?”
Buck blinked himself back to the present, seeing a very distressed and concerned look on his best friend’s face. “What?”
85.2%.
“I’ve been calling your name for like… five minutes,” Eddie said, his hand still on Buck’s knee. “You were just staring at the end credits, not even… Buck, what’s wrong?”
Eddie was rubbing his thumb against his leg. His brown doe eyes were wide and his lip was caught between his teeth. He was looking at Buck with so much love that it made tears well in Buck’s eyes. Eddie trusted him so much and he was failing him.
“Shit,” Eddie whispered, scooting forward on the couch until he was pressed up against Buck completely. His hands went to Buck’s head, guiding him down into his shoulder and into a tight hug.
Buck nearly collapsed into him, letting out a shaky, wet breath. He wasn’t sure he deserved this affection and comfort. Eddie was tied for first for people Buck cared about and he couldn’t figure out how to make him completely happy.
“I don’t know what to do,” Buck let out, unsure what else to say.
“With what?”
Shaking his head, Buck gripped the blanket tightly. “I can’t tell you,” he whispered. “I-I just… I keep trying and it’s not working and I’m sorry, Eddie, I’m sorry-”
“Hey,” Eddie lifted Buck’s head from his shoulder and brushed his thumbs over his cheeks. “Did you hurt Christopher?”
Buck almost reeled back in shock. “What? No.”
“Did you hurt anyone on the team? Anyone in my family? Yourself?” Eddie prompted.
“No, Eddie-”
“Then you didn’t do anything that warrants an apology.”
“If you knew-” Buck started.
“Buck,” Eddie whispered, leaning forward and pressing their foreheads together. “Breathe.”
Buck finally allowed himself to touch. He reached up and looped his fingers around Eddie’s wrists. He took a ragged breath in, shutting his eyes tightly. Eddie’s thumbs kept up their ministrations on his cheeks and he slowly felt his heart rate slow.
“Whatever it is,” Eddie whispered, his breath gently washing over Buck’s lips and chin, “whatever you’re struggling with doing, I know you’re trying your best. Right?”
Buck swallowed. “Right,” he breathed.
“Then that’s good enough for me.”
Even through his shut eyes, Buck could feel the tears well in his eyes. “Eddie, I’m so tired,” he said, voice drifting into a whine. “I’m so tired.”
Eddie’s hands slid back to his shoulders and pulled him closer, until they were both lying flat on the couch. With Eddie’s heartbeat loud in his ear and his hands tangling in his curls, Buck found rest for the first time in nearly two weeks.
94.0%.
~
On December 21st, a donation center went up in flames. Faulty wiring. Luckily, it had happened so early in the morning that the only person who had been in the building is the one who called it in. It took hours to put everything out. It was the afternoon when the flames were finally stamped out and Buck saw what kind of donation center it was; A Gift Drive.
He felt his stomach drop as he remembered the room he saw with so much shiny wrapping paper and had just assumed it was storage. After everything had been cleared, he made a bee-line to the lady who was crying to Chimney and he was patting her arm.
He passed Eddie, who looked at him quizzically but followed him anyway.
“It’s just- we’ve been working all year,” she was sobbing, eyes puffy and nose running. “We passed our last donation goal! We were going to-”
“It’s a shame,” Buck interrupted, though he felt bad. “Bet you wish you could fix it.” The words made him sound like an asshole, he assumed, and he was right because Chimney stared at him like he’d kicked a puppy.
The lady, whose name tag read Barb, stopped crying in shock. She blinked up at Buck, shock written on her face. “Excuse me?”
“Don’t you?” he pressed, shrugging off a hand that Eddie had put on his arm to try and pull him away. “Wish it was different?”
Say it, he pleaded with his eyes. Use the words. My magic isn’t strong enough by itself. Say it.
Barb scoffed at him, wiping angrily at her eyes. “Of- are you insane? Of course I do!”
“You do what?” He asked dumbly.
“I wish the presents were there!”
The words flew under his skin and this was going to exhaust him. He’d never tried something this big before, and if it didn’t work, he was going to the seventh ring of hell- scratch that, they were going to create something specifically for him in Hell.
He felt his hands tremble as he focused on the words, on the wish. He stumbled back a step, into Eddie’s chest. Eddie’s hands shot out to steady him and the itching was gone from him almost as soon as it was there.
He smiled brilliantly at Barb. “Good news, ma’am! That room was okay!”
Eddie grabbed his arm and hauled him back a few steps. “Buck, everything is gone,” he hissed. “We checked every room.”
Buck shook his head, bouncing on his toes. “Nope! Follow me!” He didn’t even think before he grabbed Eddie’s hand. “We’ll go get them!” he called to Barb.
“I’ve gotta see this,” Ravi muttered, trailing behind them. The building was all internal damage- the structure was still sound but the walls and ceilings were blackened by the smoke and flames. Buck led them to the room he’d seen the wrapping paper in.
“Buck, everything’s gone.” Eddie’s voice was sad, but his fingers intertwined with Buck’s. He pulled Buck to halt. “Everything inside is-”
“Holy shit,” Ravi gasped, stopping in the doorway of the room. “Eddie.”
Eddie was looking at Buck, an almost pleading expression on his face. When he looked to Ravi, he said, “Rav, it’s-” He blinked, taking a few steps forward, letting Buck go.
The room was untouched. The presents were bright and shiny, piled high with little notes saying where they were going.
“What the fuck?” Eddie breathed.
Ravi laughed, glee written into every inch of his body. “It’s a god-damn Christmas miracle!” he said, grinning so widely it took up his entire face.
Buck was grinning, despite the sleepiness that was starting to take over his body. He slumped into the doorway. When he looked over, hoping to see that joy reflected on Eddie, he saw Eddie already looking at him.
Wonder, confusion, and… something else.
“Miracle,” Eddie echoed, never looking away from Buck.
~
Buck spent Christmas Eve with the Diaz family. They had dinner, opened a few presents, and drank some egg nog (some spiked, some not). They all piled together on the world’s most comfortable couch and watched A Christmas Story and Buck kept pointing out how the movie was the epitome of childhood and Chris asked if Buck had been alive in the 1940s and the rest of the movie was three loud voices play-arguing.
Despite it being one of the best Christmas Eves that Buck had ever had, he did spend the whole time feeling like a pig roasting over a spit. His skin was burning and he knew that after Chris went to bed, he had been creepy. He had been staring at Eddie, who was sitting at a beautiful, yet frustrating 97.9% of complete happiness.
He really wasn’t sure what would happen if he didn’t grant the wish. He hoped it just transferred over to the next December and he had that month to try and complete it. Maybe he’d have to deal with the buzzing under his skin for a whole year and that sounded like complete torture.
Even in his creepiness of watching Eddie like he was planning how to best kill him, Eddie didn’t mention it and his happiness never dipped below 95% the whole day. Buck had gotten there early, making French toast and hashbrowns. They helped Chris wrap the few presents he’d gotten for his friends and one for Jee. (If Buck teared up at the thought of Christopher finding a perfect gift for his niece that was between him and God. And Eddie, who saw the whole thing and his happiness had gone up to 96.3% at that point.)
“You’re going to Maddie’s in the morning, right?” Eddie asked, gathering the few pieces of wrapping paper that had been left on the floor by Chris’s feet.
“Yeah,” Buck said. “We’re doing brunch and presents, then-”
“You’ll come back here, yeah?”
Buck’s heart warmed and it had nothing to do with the near allergic reaction he felt under his skin. “Yeah, Eds, if you want me here, I’ll be here.”
“I always want you here,” Eddie said, under his breath, so quietly Buck wasn’t sure he was meant to hear it.
99.4%.
“I always want to be here,” Buck whispered back, unsure if Eddie would hear him.
But Eddie’s steps to the kitchen, hands full of Snoopy wrapping paper, faltered.
99.7%.
Then Eddie turned around and god damn, Buck was gonna unplug those Christmas tree lights because never before had Eddie Diaz looked more like an angel than at that moment. He stared at Buck, eyes bright and glittery, a rosy hue to his cheeks. His hair was falling in his face and he kept opening his mouth to say something and shutting it, looking a little like a large mouth bass, but Buck had always thought fish were cool so it didn’t matter.
“Buck,” he said, taking a step forward and then a loud reverberating THWACK filled the living room as Eddie’s knee hit the edge of the coffee table.
“Oh shit,” Buck said as Eddie dropped what was in his hands and yelled, “Ah fuck.”
Jumping to his feet, he grabbed Eddie’s hand and guided him to the couch. “Hold on,” he murmured, going into the bathroom and opening the mirror to grab the Arnica gel. He walked back into the living room and plopped on the ground by Eddie’s legs.
Eddie had already pulled up the leg of his sweats, the skin on the side of his knee already swollen and red.
“And you said I walk like a baby elephant,” Buck tsked, squeezing some of gel onto his fingers and rubbing it on the spot gently. Could Eddie do it himself? Obviously, but he hadn’t reached for the tube and it felt like second nature to do it. Being an EMT and all, nothing to do with being able to touch Eddie.
Eddie huffed at him, but there was no heat behind it. His leg tensed slightly under Buck’s touch, so Buck made his fingers even more feather light. “I got distracted,” Eddie mumbled under his breath.
“By what?” Buck asked, looking up.
Whatever Eddie had been planning on saying seemed to die on his lips as he met Buck’s eyes. “Nothing,” he said softly. “Don’t worry about it.”
And as Buck left that night, he stood on the sidewalk, staring out at nothing. Unsure of what was going to happen tonight, unsure what this meant for Eddie, for Christopher, for himself.
But he’d failed.
He failed both of them.
~
Buck had been home for nearly three hours, watching the clock tick closer and closer to midnight. The first failed wish. A failed wish that would’ve improved the lives of two of the most important people in his life. He felt like was burning alive.
A few minutes before eleven PM, he got out of bed, not bothering to change into normal clothes, just rushing out the door in his slippers and a ratty sweatshirt and matching pants. He drove without much thought, hands shaking against the steering wheel. He threw the Jeep into park, haphazardly and stumbled up the walk to the only place he’d really ever called home.
With trembling fingers, he messed with his keys until he fit the right one in and quietly walked into the Diaz home. “Eddie?” he whispered, voice hoarse like he’d been screaming for hours. “Eddie, are you still up?” He shut the door behind him, flicking the lock back into place.
A moment later, the hall light was burning his eyes and he flinched back from it.
“Buck?” Eddie whispered. “What- are you okay?” Eddie’s bare feet padded quickly down the hallway. “Jesus, you look like you-” Eddie reached out, hands almost at Buck’s shoulders when Buck stepped away, back pressed into the front door.
Eddie paused, arms still outstretched. He opened his mouth in question, but Buck cut him off, tears springing to his eyes. “I failed, Eddie.”
56.3%.
He failed more than anyone would ever know.
“Failed?” Eddie echoed.
“I-I tried,” Buck insisted, trying his best to keep the tears at bay. “Chris said it on the fifth and I thought- I thought I would have enough time. But I don’t know how to fix it- I don’t know how to help.”
“Chris said what?” Eddie asked. His arms were now crossed over his chest, but the concern was clear on his face.
“He- he said- he wished for your complete happiness.”
Eddie blinked in surprise. “Buck, I am completely happy.”
“No,” Buck protested, pointing an accusatory finger at him. “No, you aren’t. Right now you’re like… just under 60%. I can feel it. You- This evening, before you hit your knee-” Eddie seemed to pale under the warm glow of the hall light. “- you were just about there. And now- now it’s too late. It’s almost Christmas.”
“Buck,” Eddie said, voice gentle and soft. “I am happy.”
“Chris wished for your complete happiness,” Buck said. “Complete. Those were his words.”
“Why is that your responsibility?” Eddie questioned, eyebrows furrowing.
“He wished for it!” Buck had his hands on either side of his own head. “And I grant Christmas wishes!”
Any and all expression faded from Eddie’s face. He stared at Buck, arms falling to his sides. Then his eyes lit up and he pointed at Buck. “I knew it.”
90.4%.
Buck blinked rapidly at him. “Come again?”
“I knew it! The Christmas gifts at the donation center, the snow with that little girl- and that’s just the stuff I’ve noticed this year! I knew it- you’re like, what,” he gestured up and down Buck’s body, “a Christmas Elf?” His voice was getting more and more excited. “Have you met Santa? Is he even real? Is it like a security level thing, are you not a high enough clearance? Or-”
“Whoa, whoa!” Buck held up his hands. “No, I have not met Santa. I am not an elf.” He pushed his curls out of the way. “Do you see any fucking pointy ears here? No! We’re in two completely different sectors! And if it was a security level thing, we both know I’d be running that shop like the navy.”
“Christmas themed clipboard,” Eddie agreed, eyes still wide with delight. “Wait, if you’re not- how do you grant wishes?”
“Oh, I died when I was a kid and the guy wished for me to, you know,” he waved it off, “not be dead.”
“Hold on, you what-”
“But it doesn’t matter,” Buck interrupted. “Eddie, Chris wished for your complete happiness. And I tried, I swear to god, I did. I tried to figure it out, but nothing was ever enough and now it’s almost midnight and I’ve never not granted a wish before and I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know if Chris will ever be able to wish again or if I’ll lose my ability to do it or-”
“I love you,” Eddie said suddenly.
97.9%.
Buck felt like someone had just punched him in the chest. And before he could reply, Eddie continued, “I-I’m so in love with you, Buck. I- I don’t even know how to describe it, I can’t put it into words. It’s this all consuming, all encompassing thing and I-I just… god, Buck, I love you so much. And if you- if you don’t feel the same, I get it, I know I’m a mess and you deserve better than that, but I can’t go another second without making sure you know.” His shoulders heaved and then slumped, like a great weight had just been lifted.
“Eddie,” Buck whispered. “You… I…”
“You don’t have to say anything,” Eddie assured him, stepping forward and putting his hands on either side of Buck’s neck, thumb pressing into his pulse. “Buck, I’m not saying this to pressure you or manipulate-”
Eddie’s words were cut off as Buck surged forward and crashed their lips together. Eddie’s hands slid into his hair and Buck crowded forward until Eddie hit the wall. His fingers gripped his hips, reveling in the heat that filled his whole body.
99.8%.
“I love you,” Buck murmured against his mouth, leaving a trail of kisses from the corner of his lips down to his jaw and neck. “I love you so much, Eddie.”
Eddie wrapped his arms around his shoulders, a trembling breath leaving him. “I love you too.”
100.00%.
Buck moaned quietly as the itch evaporated and disappeared from his skin. The relief was so instant and overwhelming, he slumped forward into Eddie, breathing heavily into his neck.
“You’re happy,” Buck murmured against his skin. “You’re happy. Completely.”
Tucking his face down into Buck’s hair, Eddie whispered, “Of course I am. Chris is asleep in bed, excited for tomorrow, and I have you in my arms. And you…” Eddie laughed softly. “You love me.”
Small kisses were left below Eddie’s ear and Buck whispered back, “I love you so much.”
In the back of his head, Buck heard the clock chime in the kitchen and as if it summoned it, Buck slumped down further into Eddie.
“I wish you would kiss me again,” Eddie said, lips pressed to Buck’s temple.
A grin spread across Buck’s face and he hummed, leaning back slightly. “Sorry, man, it’s Christmas. I don’t have any magic or inclination to grant any wishes, so-” He started to let Eddie go, moving back.
Eddie shot out his hands and grabbed his face, pulling him back in, “I think you can make an exception for me,” he whispered, pressing their lips back together.
And who was Buck to argue with that?