Archive of Our Own ^beta

Kaeya had always trusted his instincts.

This was, in hindsight, his first mistake.

The leather trousers looked perfect in the shop window. Soft black, fitted just enough to promise trouble, expensive enough to hurt a little when he paid. The shopkeeper had raised an eyebrow when Kaeya said they were for a date. Kaeya had winked back. Confidence was part of the outfit.

Now that same confidence was pooling uselessly around his ankles.

Kaeya stood in Albedo’s bathroom, one socked foot braced against the tile, hands yanking upward on the waistband with increasing desperation. The trousers did not move. Not a inch. The leather clung to his thighs like it had made a personal vow.

“No…Oh no, no, nooo!” Kaeya muttered, trying again.

He twisted, tugged, sucked in his stomach so hard his ribs ached. The mirror reflected a man halfway dressed and fully betrayed. The leather had gone on easily enough when it was cold. Then the walk to Albedo’s apartment. Then nerves. Then warmth. The sweat. And now…

Now he was stuck.

Kaeya leaned back against the counter and closed his eyes.

It was not ideal to be trapped in a pair of pants on a first official date.

Outside the bathroom door, Albedo’s apartment was quiet. Soft lamplight, the faint clink of wine glass from the table he had set. Dinner was cooling. Kaeya had excused himself with a smile and a joke about wanting to wash up. he couldn't keep saying 'absence makes the heart grow fonder.' He had been gone long enough now that the joke was wearing thin.

“Kaeya?” Albedo called. His voice was polite, faintly curious. “Everything alright in th-?”

“-Yes!” Kaeya called back too quickly. “Marvelous. Simply communing with the sink!”

A pause.

“…Alright then… Take your time?” Albedo replied.

Kaeya exhaled. He wiped his palms on his shirt and looked down at the problem again. The leather gleamed faintly, smug. He even swore it twinkled at him.

“Alright…” He whispered. “Let’s be sensible now.”

He tried sitting on the toilet lid and standing again. He tried lifting one leg, then the other. He tried a careful squat that nearly ended his dignity entirely. Nothing.

The leather did not budge.

His phone buzzed in his pocket, which was at least reassuring proof he had not been swallowed whole by the trousers yet. He fished it out with some effort from the tiny pocket and stared at the screen. 

A text from his best friend, asking if his date was going well. 

{🌹Rosie: K, don't forget, if you don't have protection 🍆- blondie must have a pocket protector.}

There was only one reasonable course of action.

Kaeya scrolled and hit call.

Rosaria answered on the third ring. “You better be bleeding.” She said over the noise of the tavern. “Or dying. Or both.”

“I’m suffering.” Kaeya said solemnly. “Dear Archons…Rosie I’m in agony.”

There was a snort. “You sound sober. What did you do?”

“I…” He whimpered. “Rosie I can’t… I can’t.” He choked. “Get them up.”

A beat.

Then laughter. Loud, unrestrained, immediately joined by another voice.

“Did Kaeya respond yet? Why are you laughing?”

The sound of a glass shuffling as the voices got louder. “I’ll put it on video call wait.”

“Oh? Alright, Hey Kaeya!” Venti said cheerfully. 

“You didn’t need to do that!” Kaeya said as Rosaria complied.

“Oh yes I did.” She replied. “Explain. Are you that nervous about that blondie? Is it your first time?”

Kaeya lowered his voice despite the door between him and Albedo. “I'm currently in Albedo’s bathroom. On a date. And I can't pull my trousers up.”

“Oh you meant your trousers…Wait you’re in his bathroom? Archon’s how long have you been in there?”

Venti gasped theatrically. “He’s naked in the bathroom.”

“I’m not naked!” Kaeya snapped. “I’m partially dressed and fully humiliated.”

Rosaria laughed into her drink. “Leather sticks when it gets warm. Rookie mistake.”

“I was assured this would make me look impressive.”

“It does.” Venti said. “Just not functional.”

Kaeya pinched the bridge of his nose. “Please. I need advice.”

“Have you tried oil?” Venti asked.

“What kind of oil?”

“Any!” Venti said. “Olive. Baby. Maybe tears?”

"Where's he gonna get olive oil in a bathroom?"

"Maybe Albedo planned something weird like spaghetti in the bathroom?"

Rosaria leaned closer to the phone. “Soap might work? Make it slippy?”

Kaeya glanced toward the shower. His heart sank. “Wouldn’t water make it worse?”

“Only one way to find out.” Venti said brightly.

“Stop being amused by this!” He whimpered, trying not to raise his voice and Albedo’s suspicions from behind the door.

“Oh it’s funny!” Rosaria said. “You should see your face.”

Kaeya scowled at his reflection. He did, in fact, look ridiculous.

Another knock at the door. “Kaeya?” Albedo again, closer now. “It’s been a while? Are you not well?”

“I’m fine!” Kaeya called. “Just… Moisturizing!”

There was silence on the other side.

“...Alright, I’ll…I’ll keep your food warm?”

Rosaria hummed. “There’s probably baby oil somewhere. Doesn’t he look after Klee?”

“Fuck you’re right!” Kaeya opened the cabinet under the sink. Bandages. Towels. A small bottle with cheerful stars on it.

“…There’s baby oil!” Kaeya said.

Venti whooped. “Blessed by explosives.”

Kaeya poured a generous amount into his palms and smeared it over his thighs. The leather shone slick and dark. He took a breath and pulled.

His hands slid. One palm skidded free and smacked him directly in the face.

“Oww!” Kaeya said flatly.

Rosaria lost it. “Did you just punch yourself?”

“It was an accident!”

Venti was laughing so hard Kaeya could hear him wheezing. “Again! Do it again!”

Kaeya glared at the phone and tried once more. This time both hands slipped, sending him staggering back into the counter. The trousers did not move.

“Alright haha!” Rosaria said, mercifully. “Too much slip. Dry it out. Powder!”

“Powder?”

“Baby powder, she’s right.” Venti said. “If there’s oil, there’s powder.”

Kaeya mumbled as he waddled around, having to hop over a bathmat and regain his balance as he held the phone.

Venti wheezed. “You’re terrible under pressure.”

He found a tub of baby powder and sprinkled it on his trousers and smeared it over his legs and upper thighs.

“Oh no…”

“What now?”

He looked at the phone again and cried. “The powder and the oils formed into some sort of paste.”

Rosaria took pity. Briefly. “Alright. Sit down. Take a breath. Leather stretches a little if you’re calm.”

Kaeya tried. He really did. He inhaled, exhaled, relaxed his muscles.

The pants stayed exactly where they were.

“Nothing!” He said.

“Okay, you added to much powder, it’s fine, you just need some more moisture that’s not water.”

Kaeya looked around the bathroom. “I…I don’t know!”

Venti rolled his eyes and sipped through his straw. “Soap? It’s slippery. I always slip on soap in the shower.”

Kaeya looked over at the sink. “There’s only bar soap!” Still looking around he spotted a plastic bottle of shower gel. “Wait! Look, there’s gel!”

“Sure give that a try!”

Kaeya rubbed the bar along the leather, leaving pale streaks. He pulled. The trousers crept up perhaps half a centimeter before stopping with renewed spite.

Kaeya stared at them. They stared back.

“Kaeya?” Albedo called once more. “Hey it’s okay if you’re not feeling good about this. It’s fine! Do you want me to call someone for you? Diluc?”

“Fuc-Ah no! No! N-N-No! I’m SO good right now, SO good, I just.. Uh… Hey do we have any dessert?”

“Icecream.” 

“Oh great!” Kaeya tried to shake the worry out of his voice. “How about setting that out so it get’s a little thawed out?”

“Ah… Sure? Okay then?” 

Once Albedo’s voice faded away and he could hear a rumble from the kitchen area, Kaeya picked up the phone closer to him.

“Well…” Venti said, “You could always stay there forever! Become a bathroom cryptid?”

Kaeya ended the call.

He stood very still for a moment. The noise of the tavern vanished, replaced by the hum of the apartment and the distant sound of Albedo shifting outside the door.

There was no clever way out of this. 

He had to tell Albedo…

Kaeya closed his eyes. The idea made his chest twist, embarrassment tangling with something warmer. He had wanted tonight to be impressive. Effortless. Instead he was a mess in borrowed plumbing. He stood very still for a moment. The noise of the tavern vanished, replaced by the hum of the apartment and the quiet patience waiting on the other side of the door.

Kaeya straightened his shirt, smoothed his hair with damp hands, and walked to the door. 

“Albedo?”

“Yes Kaeya?”

He sighed. “I need you to promise not to laugh.”

“Kae… Alright.”

His heart hammered as he turned the handle and opened it.

Albedo looked up from the table. He took in the scene in a single glance. Kaeya. The half-fastened trousers. The defeated posture.

Then he laughed.

It wasn't cruel. It just burst out of him, startled and bright, one hand flying to his mouth as he tried and failed to stop it.

“I promised I wouldn’t!” Albedo said, still smiling. “I’m sorry!”

Kaeya leaned against the doorframe. “Just let it out. I deserve it, I'm a joke...”

Albedo approached, curiosity winning over restraint. “You’re stuck.”

“Yes.”

“In the pants.”

“Yes.” Kaeya repeated, all dignity gone.

Albedo nodded thoughtfully. “They look very good on you.”

Kaeya huffed. “They're actively ruining my life.”

Albedo considered him for a moment, then took Kaeya gently by the wrist and guided him inwards toward the bathroom again. “Come on.”

He turned on the shower without ceremony.

“Albedo!” Kaeya started.

“Pants on you are useless anyway. The audacity you have to try to cover yourself in my presence.” Albedo said calmly, and pushed him under the spray.

Cold water hit leather and skin. Kaeya yelped, slipping and falling down on his back on the the floor of the tub in a ungraceful mess, water splashing over the sides.

Kaeya laughed then, shocked and breathless. Albedo was above him, hands braced on either side of his shoulders, hair already damp, eyes bright. Albedo had been holding on to the shower head, but dropped it loudly in the tub, instead grabbing Kaeya and pulling him close.

For a moment they just looked at each other.

“You’d look better without pants.”

Then Albedo leaned down and kissed him.

It was warm and soft and very real. Kaeya melted into it, forgetting the pants, the embarrassment, the ruined dinner. The world narrowed to water and lips and the quiet certainty that some things were worth getting stuck for. He was loving it, fully in bliss despite the sensory overload of the sticky messy wet clothing, as he began to moan Albedo pushed him away.

“Albe…” He paused to catch his breath. “Did I do something wrong? T-too much?”

Albedo frowned and quickly made a move towards Kaeya’s shirt buttons, unbuttoning them much further down than he had already done. “Woah Albed-”

“-I meant it.” Albedo paused, holding onto Kaeya’s cheek and placing another firm kiss to his lips. “Take it off. Everything.”

Kaeya spluttered, eyes widening. “I-in…Starlight! I’m not complaining but, b-but in the t-tub?”

Albedo huffed. “It’s your fault for making me wait this long, we’re already behind schedule. I’m afraid I simply can’t wait long enough to make it to the bedroom.”

“Wha-”

Kaeya was silenced by another barrel of kisses, some not on his lips as Albedo started to trail down his face, neck, chest…then much lower.

“I-I’ll just shut up now…” Kaeya gasped as he closed his eyes with a smile.

“For what it’s worth… I think they look marvelous.” Albedo replied, pulling the leather trousers off, glancing at it, then swiftly throwing them on the tiled floor. “But they look much better over there.”

(A/N: This story ends here unless my dear readers would be interested in a M continuation?)