Chapter Text
“Your turn!” Julie smiles at Reggie. “Truth or dare?”
“Dare. No wait! Truth! I picked dare last time and almost broke my neck on Willie’s skateboard. I coulda became a ghost all over again.” Reggie chuckles.
“Okay… hm… let me think of a good truth.” Julie says.
“Uh oh, if she has to think about it, no doubt it’ll be a crazy question.” Luke says.
“Good luck, Reg.” Alex says.
Flynn leans over and whispers something in Julie’s ear.
“That’s such a basic question, I’m not doing that,” Julie says.
“They’ve been dead for twenty five years. Who knows what could have went down in the 90s.” Flynn says.
“I don’t like the sound of this. Is it too late to change to dare?” Reggie asks.
“Yup.” Flynn nods.
Julie sighs. “Fine. Reggie, what was your most embarrassing first date?”
“Oh, easy, I’ve never had a first date,” Reggie says. “Luke, truth or dare?”
“Wait, like actually?” Flynn says, jaw dropping.
“I just never really wanted to, so I never went out with anyone,” Reggie says. “Why are you looking at me like you’ve seen a ghost?”
The room goes silent.
“I guess that joke isn’t as funny anymore now that we’re alive, huh…” Reggie fidgets with his fingers.
“Oh, Reg, it was never funny.” Alex pats his shoulder. “I say it with all the love in my heart, though.”
“Reggie, weren’t you literally trying to get that Dirty Candi dancer’s number? You mean to tell me that you have never been on a date?” Julie asks.
“She’s a lifer, I may be a little dull, but I’m not dumb. I only asked for her number because I knew she couldn’t hear me.”
“I’m not following how that doesn’t make you the dullest bulb in the chandelier,” Alex says.
“Aren’t you guys seventeen?” Flynn asks. “Have you had an embarrassing first kiss or something if not a date?”
“No…” Reggie fidgets more with his fingers. What he thought nothing of before was now making him extremely uncomfortable. He’d never had a date, never kissed anyone, and never had a romantic partner. Of course, Alex and Luke already knew all of that.
Flynn and Julie, however, were staring at him like they first did when they found out he was a ghost. Luke and Alex weren’t shocked—but they almost looked at him with pitty. Was it bad he never did any of that stuff? He never wanted to… so why would it be bad?
“What about a crush?” Flynn asks.
“Ooh! What about that Cassidy chick from home room!” Luke says. “Back in 1995 you two were pretty close, hey?”
“We were friends, but I didn’t have a crush on her.” Reggie says. “I actually feel bad… she stopped talking to me completely when she asked me out and I said no.”
“She asked you out!?” Luke asks.
“And you said no?” Alex asks.
“I thought we were friends, I never wanted to be anything else.” Reggie says. He had moved from fidgeting with his fingers to tugging at his necklace. “She asked if I wanted to be more… and I just… I can’t give more. I give absolutely everything to my friendships, how can there be more?”
“Guys, let’s stop bombarding Reggie with questions about his romantic life.” Willie cuts in. “Not everyone is about that stuff. It’s completely fine.” He looks to Reggie with a nod.
“But, Reggie’s always flirting.” Luke points out. “It’s not like he’s not into it.”
“But… I’m not.” Reggie admits. “I’ve never wanted to go past flirting. That’s why, when we became ghosts, I only flirted with lifers. They couldn’t hear me. Giving a simple compliment would never amount to anything I didn’t want it to…”
“Like it did with Cassidy.” Willie says, knowingly.
“I feel so awful for rejecting her. I honestly didn’t think I was leading her on…” Reggie says, his voice shaking. He continues to tug and twist at his necklace as if each tug pumped oxygen into his lungs so he could breathe. “I… I need some fresh air,” Reggie says. He doesn’t get up right away, trying to poof out. “Ignore that. I’m going now.” He stands up and walks out the door, letting it close behind him.
He sits down in the grass and begins pulling at the blades, ripping them from the dirt.
The way they all were looking at him, interrogating him… all because he didn’t have any experience in romance. It made him feel ill. What was so weird about him never having gone a date?
Reggie knew the answer to that. He thought he unlearned that mentality. Luke and Alex were the ones who helped him… but maybe his parents had been right all this time. The reason Reggie never had a first kiss, or been on a date, or had a romantic partner, was because he was unlovable.
And that’s how they were looking at him just now. Not with the same disappointment and disgust his parents looked at him with, but it was a look that said the same thing. That he is unlovable. Pitiful. Embarrassing. Pathetic. Childish. Stupid.
1995
“Pathetic! You are nothing but a pathetic and stupid child! That’s why no one loves you!” his dad yelled. “Useless!”
That’s not true. That’s not true. You know it’s not. Remember what Alex and Luke said… they still love you. You don’t need anyone else as long as you have them. You don’t have to prove you’re loveable. Not to him. Not to anyone.
“I have band practice, so I gotta go…”
“You think they love you?” his dad said. “Don’t lie to yourself! You will never find real love! Who could ever love you? What, you think just because you’re in a band and you play bass, girls will see past your pathetic, stupid, ass and wanna be with you? You think it makes you so cool? It doesn’t!”
Reggie’s throat tightened and he blinked back tears. He didn’t even want to be loved romantically—maybe it was because of how he’s seen it play out with his parents—so why was he so hurt? He didn’t want what his father was saying he’ll never have, so why was he fighting tears?
Because he did. He did want it. Love. And he had it. He had it for his bandmates. He had it for the man who lived across the street and would say good morning to Reggie everyday. He had it for his parents, even if they weren’t good at showing they loved him. He had tons of love. And he truly believed they loved him…
But did it just not count for real love since it wasn’t romantic or sexual?
“Oh! Don’t you dare cry! You’re just like your mother! Pathetic and emotional!” his dad said. “No wonder you think your bandmates love you, you’re an emotional, pathetic, sissy. I knew you hanging around that f** would—“
“Don’t!” Reggie interrupted him. “Don’t say that about Alex. You don’t even know him.” Reggie bolted out the door. After back talking to his dad like that, he wouldn’t want to stick around for much longer.
He ran halfway to the studio before stopping, putting his hand on his knees to catch his breath. He looked behind him. Good—his dad didn’t follow him.
Reggie collapsed to his knees and let the tears he’s been fighting cascade down his face.
Why was this upsetting him so much? It made sense, didn’t it? He never had a girlfriend, so he was unlovable.
But Cassidy had asked him out just last week. Doesn’t that mean he can be loved? Maybe he should have said yes. Maybe he should have just went out with her.
Or maybe going out with her would just allow her to realize she could never love him.
Worse, they’d work out. They’d fall in love. They’d get married and have kids. And then they’d fall apart and ruin that poor kids life. They’d despise each other. Despise their kid.
Or maybe Cassidy never liked him. She only thought she did.
Or maybe Cassidy had asked him out as a joke, thinking he’d be so desperate to say yes. And when he said no, it ruined her plans and that’s why she won’t talk to him now. Because she never wanted to be friends with him in the first place.
Reggie sniffled and wiped his eyes. He got up. If he didn’t get to band rehearsal now, they’ll have a million questions about where he was and what kept him. And he simply didn’t have the energy to lie today if they ask.
He made it to the studio and his bandmates greeted him with a grin.
“Hey man!” Luke said. “Now that you’re finally here, we can get started.”
2020
Reggie’s face became wet with tears as the memory resurfaced. Since he was alone, he didn’t bother to wipe them. He kept his hands busy by pulling up blades of grass.
“If you keep doing that, Julie won’t have a lawn anymore.” Willie walked out of the studio.
Reggie quickly wiped his face. “Willie! Hey! Why aren’t you in there with Alex and the others?”
“The others are pretty hung up on everything.” Willie said. “So I wanted to come out here, get away from it, and see how you were doing.” He sat next to him in the grass.
“I’m splendid.” Reggie forced a smile.
“Look, I may not know exactly what it’s like… but I do understand to an extent.”
“Understand what?”
“You don’t want a romantic relationship, you don’t want to go ‘further’ thab flirting. No romance, no sex. You’ve never… or rarely, felt attraction to do any of that?”
“I guess.” Reggie shrugged. “But, how’d you know what that’s like… no offense! It’s just… you have Alex and…”
“I do. I’m madly in love with that friend of yours.” Willie said. “I love holding his hand, kissing, walks on the beach, cuddles… screaming in museums…” he trailed off. “But, I’ve never really felt sexual attraction. I did once, but it took me a long time of getting to know the person before I felt any sort of attraction.”
“Okay… why are you telling me this?”
“Because, there’s a word for it. How we feel. I’m asexual, I feel little to no sexual attraction. I think you… based on what you’ve said, are aromantic and asexual. Aroace. It means feeling little to no romantic or sexual attraction.”
“Oh…” Reggie nodded.
He could already hear his father’s voice telling him he’s broken. If Reggie ever said “hey Dad, I’m aroace! I don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction,” his dad would slap him in the mouth. Who knows what he would do to try and “fix” him. Set him up in an arranged relationship just so he didn’t have to have a disappointment as a son.
A son who can’t be loved. And a son who can’t love.
Reggie struggled to hold in more tears. “Thanks for telling me,” he said.
“Are you okay dude?” Willie asked. “I… I’m sorry if I—“
“No, no I’m great.” Reggie forced another smile. “Let’s go back to the game.” Reggie got up and headed back to the studio. Maybe all he needed right now was a distraction.