Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dark blue eyes stare back at Drew from the scratched mirror, pale skin bright in the dark room. He hasn’t been having a good day today. His stomach hurts and his throat is rubbed raw. Cloying chocolate clings to the roof of his mouth. He feels sick.

His fingers curl around the edge of the sink as he heaves, saliva falling from his bottom lip and slapping against the inside of the sink. Dirty.

Beneath his hoodie, his stomach folds in rolls. His thighs are streaked with stretch marks and scars. Disgusting.

Sweat clings to his skin in the summer heat. He needs to shower. He doesn’t want to see them.

Throwing his hoodie over the mirror, Drew twists on the shower and waits for it to warm up whilst trying his best not to glance down at his body.

+ + +

The shower didn’t help. The dirt that clings to him is deeper, below his skin and deep inside his very bones. His nails dig into his forearm, ragged skin burning. He can still taste chocolate.

…

His head hurts. The steam of the shower did help at first, but the cold of the bathroom air soon cut through it. Slumped on the bathroom floor, all he can think of is the knife squatting downstairs. It sings to him like a siren’s song, promising freedom from his ugly flesh. Promising salvation, an escape. He tries to ignore it - it’s been so long since he messed up like this.

But its been so long since he’s been alone either.

Danny’s going to be here tomorrow. But tomorrow might as well be forever for Drew.

He find himself in the kitchen again, gripping the knife handle with the blade pressed against his wrist. It hurts. He slowly draws it sideways as he exhales a deep breath, shoulders shaking slightly as he watches the blood rise to the surface. It beads along the  cut, slowly pooling before starting to drip down his arm. The knife falls to the floor with clang! hands frozen as crimson slinks towards his elbow.

His knees buckle, slowly falling to the polished floorboards as he stares numbly at his arm. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Not again. He’s so stupid. So fucking stupid. His chest tightens, eyesight beginning to blur as he clutches at his side. Tears drop to the floor, head between his knees.

His wrist stings, the only thing pulling him back from the blackhole of his mind. And now he has to hide this from Danny tomorrow.

He wearily drags himself to his feet with trembling hands, rinsing the knife and slipping it back into the knife block before wiping the cuts clean and staggering upstairs. He barely remembers to bandage his arm before collapsing into bed.

+ + +

When he wakes up and looks under the bandages, the cuts are mostly scabbed over. The sight of them fills him with guilt. He tucks the bloodied bandages under a pile of tissues, careful to not let it be seen by an outside observer or worried Danny.

He pulls on a clean hoodie, wincing slightly as it pulls on his wrist. Ow.

Knock knock. Danny must be outside.

Staring at himself in the mirror, he can’t help but be disgusted by the bags beneath his eyes and the spots dotted across his chin.

But there’s nothing he can do about it now, so he just heads towards the door.

+ + +

Danny’s being weird today. He’s staring at Drew a bit too intently for his liking. Drew wonders if he knows, if some part of Danny’s mind is right now screaming at Drew, letting him know how weak he is. After all, Danny was here the first time.

Danny’s always been there for him.

Some part of Drew wants him to find out, wants Danny to tell him that everything’s going to be okay. But it’s not.

“You there Danny?” Drew says, much larger part of him praying he hasn’t noticed anything.

“Uh, yeah.” Danny mumbles. Drew smiles at him, trying to hide his fear. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Let’s just get back to the video.” Drew shrugged, glancing down at his script and praying Danny hasn’t noticed the way he flinched when Danny grabbed his arm earlier.

Or the fact he’s wearing a hoodie in the height of summer.

Drew finishes his delivery with only a few minor errors, glancing expectedly at Danny for him to continue his part of the skit. To his surprise, Danny is looking at him already. He feels his heart flutter in his chest.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Danny seems to awake with a jolt, shaking his head slightly as if to clear his thoughts.

“Yeah, I’m just tired. Sorry. Do you mind if we postpone until tomorrow?” Drew’s hand twitches. They were meant to record this today.

“Don’t burn yourself out.” Drew’s fingers drum against his leg with nervous energy as he tries to appear normal.

“Yeah, I won’t.” Drew feels Danny’s hand rest on his own for a second, baby-blue eyes staring into his own as fear pulses in his stomach. Danny seems to be thinking for a moment or two, before realising what he’s doing and quickly pulling away with flushed cheeks. Cute. “Uh, sorry-“

“It’s fine-“ Drew quickly assures.

“Yeah, I’ll- I’ll just take a nap.”

+ + +

Drew tugs at his sleeve unconsciously, winding it around his fingers as he worries his bottom lip with his teeth. Danny was acting really weird today. He hopes Danny’s okay.

He hopes Danny thinks Drew is okay. He’s not quite sure he could deal with the other man’s concern right now. His chest feels tight as he struggles to maintain steady breathing. He’s gonna be okay. His nails bite into his leg once more, straining to become calm as his muscles twitch. Everything’s going to be fine!

He doesn’t want Danny to be dimmed by his shadow. He’s too bright to deserve that. Beside him, Drew’s a black hole greedily absorbing his light. Danny’s like the sun, whereas Drew has already collapsed.

His hand rises to his neck, trying to stall his whirling thoughts. He pushes; hard - head beginning to hurt as his vision starts to fade around the edges. His blood boils under his skin, shaky breaths silent beneath the buzz humming in his ears. Maybe this time he’ll finally die. Maybe this time he won’t wake up and he won’t have to deal with this fucking life ever again.

His hand goes limp as he collapses in his chair, static slowly bleeding from his vision as he comes back to reality.

He’s still here.

Fuck.

God, he’s so tired.

+ + +

Standing in front of the bathroom mirror again, he pulls off his hoodie. Danny’s asleep in his bedroom, and Drew’s lived alone ever since Amanda died in Afghanistan.

His shirt is short-sleeved, but he can’t be bothered to change. He’ll wake up before Danny anyways.

Stepping back into the bedroom, he grins at Danny’s sleeping face. He looks like a child, curled up tightly under the blanket. To be fair, Drew always has the house quite cold now he has full control of the temperature. Laying down beside Danny, Drew only stares at the ceiling for a few minutes before falling into a dreamless sleep.

+ + +

Drew wakes to the feeling of fingers wrapped around his wrist, immediately pushing his heart into overdrive.

“Danny? Wha’s happening?” He says, trying to twist his arm out of Danny’s grip without hurting himself further.  He pulls his arm towards his stomach, trying to shield the shameful marks. Maybe Danny hasn’t seen them yet. Maybe.

“Why?” And Drew know’s it’s all over. “Why would you do that?” Danny’s voice breaks and Drew’s sorry, so sorry.

“I- I don’t know what you mean.” He can’t think of an alibi, mind too full of whirling thoughts and the loud thud of his heart. Danny looks so sad, wringing out Drew’s stomach. Drew’s disappointed him. I said I’d do better.

“This.” Danny grabs Drew’s wrist again, this time too firmly for Drew to break free. He twists his arm into the moonlight, revealing Drew’s mistakes. “These.” He runs his thumb over the dark lines, tender as a bruise.

“I- I- I- “ His words seem to catch in his throat, excuses falling apart before they can even reach his lips. Danny smears into a blur of white and brown and baby-blue eyes. God, he’s pathetic. His ribs seem to constrict, strangling him from the inside out. Drew’s shoulders shake and it hurts how Danny is staring at him and holding him and caring for him.

“You’re going to be okay. You’re going to be fine.” Drew can’t help but stare up at him in disbelief. He can’t even stop himself from hurting him, how the hell will he be fine?

“I-I-I’m sor-sorry!” Drew needs to let Danny know that he doesn’t want this, that it’s all a terrible mistake.

“Sh, shh… It’s okay, don’t be sorry…” Drew sniffles into Danny’s shirt, pressing into his warmth with his whole body. “You’re going to be fine. Just try to breathe.”

After a while of hiding from the outside world, Drew finally feels the tears begin to dry and sobs fade, now only quivering slightly.

“I’m sorry.” He still clings to Danny, not willing to let go of the brief comfort he’s been offered.

Danny is silent for an awful second, before finally saying

“It’s okay. You’re trying. And it’s been ages, you haven’t.. fucked up like this for ages. You’ve been clean for four years, Drew. You’re going to be fine.” Drew is too tired to respond, quietly humming assent. He collapses in Danny’s arms, about to fall asleep again.

“I love you.” He says, voice muffled by the fabric of Danny’s t-shirt. He closes his eyes, not expecting a response.

“I- I love you too.” Drew smiles, and falls asleep.

Chapter Text

Something about Drew just seems… off today. Although Danny can’t tell exactly what it is, he’s noticed quite a few strange actions by the other man. Nothing that would be especially concerning in isolation, but together they cause a pit of uneasiness to open up in the bottom of his stomach.

“You there Danny?” Danny focuses back to find Drew staring at him quizzically.

“Uh, yeah.” Drew smiles at him, and Danny feels his heart beat slightly faster. Anddd theres the other problem. Fuckity fuck fuck. But he doesn’t have time to delve deep into his possible homosexuality right now - they’re on camera after all. “Yeah, yeah I’m fine. Let’s just get back to the video.” He’s not sure if Drew was quite convinced, but he just shrugged and glanced down at the script again.

Drew had a few lines in a row, so Danny took a couple moments to catch his breath again and think about Drew’s anxiety-inducing behaviour. He’s wearing long sleeves today; something that hasn’t happened for quite a while. Of course, Drew can wear whatever he wants - but still, as his friend, he’s worried for him. And it’s literally August. He also seems.. well, skittish. His leg is shaking under the table and his eyes are darting from place to place. Drew’s skin is pale aswell - though that may be more indicative of his job than any specific illness.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Fuck, Danny’s been zoning out again. And now Drew’s also worried. Shitttt…

“Yeah, I’m just tired. Sorry. Do you mind if we postpone until tomorrow?” Drew’s hands twitch slightly, but he nods.

“Don’t burn yourself out.” Drew’s fingers are drumming against his leg and at one point they brush against Danny’s thigh and his heart jumps in his throat. He’s the one meant to be worried about Drew, for fuck’s sake. And not mildly obsessing over the man’s grin and care for him and sense of humour and Danny’s sooo dead.

“Yeah, I won’t.”

Almost instinctively, Danny rests his hand on the other man’s to try to still him. He can feel Drew’s nails digging into his own thigh, he realises with a jolt of alarm. As soon as he realises what he’s doing, he quickly pulls away. “Uh, sorry-“

“It’s fine-“

Danny can feel his cheeks burning as he hastily stands up and leaves.

“Yeah, I’ll- I’ll just take a nap.”

+ + +

Danny stares up at Drew’s ceiling, heart only just starting to calm down. Because of how far away from each other they live, Danny’s staying at Drew’s house for the next few days. Which is definitely not helping his homosexual shenanigans, by the way.

The bedsheets smell like Drew. Apple and cinnamon. Danny rolls over and buries his face in the pillow. It doesn’t help.

To be fair, he wasn’t lying about being tired. His head is still spinning and he can feel a migraine coming on.

He turns his head to the side and breathes in deeply, letting his mind wander as his eyelids droop. God, he really is tired.

+ + +

Danny wakes up disorientated and bleary-eyed, hair messed up and shirt wrinkled. He groans quietly as he leans on his elbows, glancing up to the window above. It’s night outside. Shit. He didn’t mean to sleep that long. He sits up and rubs his eyes, looking around the room.

Everything seems slightly surreal in the dark, Drew’s sleeping body curled up beside him. His face looks so peaceful in sleep, free from all the stress he carries in everyday life. His hair is falling over his face and Danny carefully tucks it behind his face. He looks… beautiful.

Drew seems to be shivering slightly, goosebumps dotting the pale skin of his arm and shoulder. Danny lifts his limp wrist to pull up the blanket and-

Oh.

Fuck.

He inhales sharply, pit in his stomach falling again.

Not again. Not now.

Well, atleast he knows why Drew was acting weird now.

His thumb traces the thin red lines streaked across Drew’s wrist, gripping his arm perhaps slightly too hard.

“Danny?” Drew slurs, arm twisting in his grip. “Wha’s happening?” Drew pulls his arm away, cradling it in his lap as he groggily sits up.

“Why? Why would you do that?” Danny’s voice breaks, vulnerable in the almost-black room.

Drew seems to shrink below his gaze, shoulders rising and nails digging into his thigh.

“I- I don’t know what you mean.”

Danny’s gaze softens. “This.” He leans over and grabs his arm before Drew can react, pulling his wrist into the thin stream of moonlight falling from the window. “These.” His grip is firmer this time, not allowing the taller man to escape.

“I- I- I- “ Drew’s breathing is unsteady and fast, other hand aggressively clawing at his leg. His chest begins to heave, eyes unfocused and wide. His body is shaking hard, and Danny can’t seem to get him to reply. Shiittt.

Hesitantly, Danny reaches over and wraps his arms around Drew, trying his hardest to comfort him.

“You’re going to be okay. You’re going to be fine.” Drew merely looks up at him fearfully, curled protectively around his forearm.

“I-I-I’m sor-sorry!” Tears streak down his cheeks.

“Sh, shh… It’s okay, don’t be sorry…” Danny can feel Drew’s tears seeping onto his shoulder, shaking hands wound in his t-shirt. “You’re going to be fine. Just try to breathe.”

After what feels like an eternity, Drew’s tears start to dry and his sobs are reduced to sparse tremors. “I’m sorry.” He mumbles, face still buried in Danny’s t-shirt.

Danny pauses for a second. “It’s okay. You’re trying. And it’s been ages, you haven’t.. fucked up like this for ages. You’ve been clean for four years, Drew. You’re going to be fine.” Drew sniffs.

“Mhm.” Danny relaxes slightly as Drew finally stops shaking and sits up again. He takes Drew’s hand in his own, rubbing the back of his hand slowly with his thumb. Drew slumps in his arms, drowsily nuzzling into Danny’s neck. “I love you.” He murmurs, half-asleep, and Danny’s heart skips a beat.

“I- I love you too.” Drew is already asleep.