Chapter Text
25th December 1976
Regulus wakes up and could promptly fall back asleep again, why when he is in this much pain should he even try getting up. His bones feel as if some had just dipped them in molten hot lava and then proceeded to give them back to him.
He would do it all again though, to get Sirius out of here.
It was probably a poor decision on his end to let Sirius drag Regulus with him, but he wasn’t really paying attention at the time, was he? You wouldn’t if your brother was almost dead in your arms.
He had flued back to Grimmauld place almost as soon as he had left and merlin, that was an even worse idea. The anger his mother had held wasn’t directed at Sirius anymore, since he was nowhere to be found, it was directed now at him. It was a bad idea to come back but he can’t change anything now. He can’t change something that has already happened, there’s a lot of things that he wishes he could do that with but this? This isn’t very high up on the list, at least one of them got out.
It was the worst pain he had ever felt, and it seemed never ending. It felt as if it went on for hours and like it wouldn’t ever stop. Regulus hadn’t begged like Sirius did, he knew it wouldn’t do anything to change what his mother was doing.
But by the time Walpurga had finished and ordered Kreature to bring him to bed, his throat was red and raw from overuse. It was as if someone had scraped sandpaper down his throat. It hurts to speak still so he tries to refrain from doing it as much as humanly possible, that is with his mother and father trying to drag every little word that comes to his lips.
Though begging wasn’t an option, it was a free screaming time you could say in the moment. Everyone that was once in the dining room had left as soon as they had heard his mother ask or rather shout questioning where Sirius was, and with Walpurga not wanting to make people feel uncomfortable with her practices she likes to do on her children it was a greatest thing they could do.
It was not for Regulus at all.
When he opens his eyes there’s a sharp pain that is sent through his skull, the light coming from the window illuminating through the almost dark room. The open curtains an invitation to just blind Regulus. Groaning, he attempts to get up onto his feet to get ready for the day ahead of him, which is essentially dealing this his family’s bullshit. It’s something he has to prepare himself for every day he’s at Grimmauld Place.
Regulus inhales and exhales looking around his room, nothing really feels different. Aside from the pain, everything is the same as it was before Sirius left or rather Regulus had got him out. It feels as something is missing though, like someone just took a chuck of his life out of him. Most of his rememberable memories from when he was younger are with his brother, every little thing down to the nights that one of them would sneak into the others bedroom so that neither of them would have to sleep alone. He helped him through the things their parents did, and Regulus helped Sirius through the things they did to him.
Regulus knows it was mostly for his sake, but Sirius knew what to do when Regulus couldn’t sleep, had a nightmare, or just wanted him there, to not be alone in the darkness he couldn’t get rid of. Almost like he was filling in for their parent’s roles.
He slips into the bathroom to brush his teeth and looking at the mirror, he wouldn’t be able to tell you who it was in front of him. He knows it’s him but its like someone had sucked the life out of him, he looks like a living zombie. Its not as if he hadn’t slept, he had, just this time with pain, and that doesn’t really get you a nice night’s rest. Let alone sometimes not a rest at all.
But I guess that’s what life does to you.
Sighing, Regulus finishes up in the bathroom and rummages through his draws until finding some clothes his mother and father would approve of him wearing.
He goes back into the bathroom to turn on the shower; he wouldn’t want to stink for the time he has to be downstairs. He may be in pain but its not to the point he could go out smelling rancid, if he ever did Regulus wouldn’t ever go out again.
The water cascades down his back once he’s stripped and gotten into the shower, it’s a relief on his aching muscles. The aftereffects of his mother’s curses loosening up under the heat. He sighs in pleasure as he rolls his limbs out. He’s needed this.
It doesn’t take too long for him to be done but long enough that he’s fully clean and dressed. Opening the door, Kreacher is cleaning outside his bedroom, and he greets him with something hidden in his voice, it’s something Regulus can’t decipher with the exhaustion plaguing his mind.
“Master Regulus is expected in the lounging room; his cousins are here on his mother’s orders.” Kreacher informs Regulus, the news almost makes Regulus groan, Bellatrix aways makes his time dealing with his actual family ten times worse.
“Okay, thank you Kreacher.” He says with actual gratefulness for the information. If Regulus had walked down those stairs and had seen his cousins without knowing they were there he probably would have walked right back up the stairs and then proceed to fling himself down them.
Kreacher doesn’t respond and instead ambles into his open door leading into his room, going to clean the mess Regulus had surely left behind him in his wake. He walks the opposite way Kreacher had, to the stairs, this time luckily feeling less like a death trap waiting for him to fall down into. He deeply hopes whatever he is needed for won’t take long or else Regulus may just collapse to the floor in pain and exhaustion.
He walks through a door he had just dragged his brother through only just a couple days ago, he doesn’t think he’ll ever look at this part of the house the same way again. Every part of this house has bad memories. This part is just the one with the worst ones.
“Mon Fils, come sit.” Regulus practically snaps his neck at the suddenness of his mother’s voice, this time its just without the rage. He tries not to make his surprise linger on his face not wanting to make anyone know a weakness.
“Yes Maman.” Regulus notes the wrapped gifts on the table in front of them, the wrapping paper plain and simple, almost lifeless.
He didn’t even realise what day it was, let alone it being Christmas.
He sees the presents his peers get, the paper around the gifts all colourful and filled with love instead of an expectation. The presents are the same every year, clothes, things he may need for school. It could be one of the reasons he’s never been excited for this holiday, his friends call him crazy, it’s like “what’s not to love about Christmas Reggie?” but never “why don’t you like Christmas?” he’s not surprised at their surprise. Practically everyone he knows has some sort of love for the holiday.
But when you spend it at Grimmauld Place, he thinks they’ll understand his point of view.
“Regulus you open yours first.” Narcissa, his favourite cousin by far, turns to him a smile on her face as she hands him a neatly wrapped present.
He takes it with steady hands, settling it in his lap. He carefully rips the paper off not wanting whatever is inside to get broken. It probably would be fine anyway, it feels like some sort of a clothing item.
When it finally unwrapped, it’s revealed to be a scarf, a deep green colour with the ends being black and small bits of red. It quite a nice scarf not just because of its design but also because of the texture, its not scratchy at all and he can tell whoever made it had spent a long time on it.
“I made it, but if you don’t like it that’s fine though.” Narcissa says into the silence.
“How nice, Regulus must be so grateful Narcissa, it’s a great gift.” Walpurga replies before Regulus gets the chance to, her voice genuinely happy for once, well not happy but some sort of content. That’s the most you would get out of her. She wasn’t like this any other year, and you could imagine Sirius played a part in that.
“Now Bellatrix come over here so you can open your present.” Orion tells his other cousin beckoning her over with a finger. Bellatrix bounces over with enough energy of two people, as usual.
In his distraction he doesn’t realise a person sitting beside him, that is until they put a hand on his arm. He almost jerks out of his seat but manages to steel himself enough to not make that action a reality.
“If you don’t like your present, I ca-“
“Stop.” Regulus interrupts her coming spiel. “I love it Narcissa, thank you.”
“Good. I’m so glad.” She sighs like she wasn’t expecting Regulus to say that. It’s surprising to him that she thinks so lowly of him, but he doesn’t really have the right reactions to things like he probably should have.
Bellatrix lets out a delighted squeal and Regulus knows this is going to be a long, long day.
It is indeed and by the time their done he is fighting the urge to strangle Bella, her voice is graining against his ears combined with how loud she is twenty-four seven. Yeah, he believes the feeling is deserved.
“Now one more thing, if everyone will follow me.” His mother asks once the gift giving and receiving is finished.
They all get up to follow her into a room opposite the one they were in currently, the drawing room.
They don’t enter this room often, but when they do its usually for important reasons, its one of the reasons he feels like something big is going to happen. He can see it on his mother’s face that she’s planning something, and when his father raises the wand in his hand, he knows his suspicions are correct. He’s learnt to trust his gut feelings. Their usually correct.
They’re at the black family tapestry, a tapestry that shows the Black family’s family tree. Showing his mother, his grandmother and so on and so on.
“Since recent events that I know you have all heard has happened, we are burning a blood traitor off of our sacred family tree.” Walpurga explains without a sound of regret in her voice, like she wanted it to happen.
“It is a necessity that the people who are lucky to be in this family,” more like unlucky “remain loyal to their blood line, toujours pur Regulus, Bella, Narcissa. Rememberour family motto. It is the backbone of this family, one that will stay with you for the rest of your life.”
“Toujours pur.” They all say in unison, it’s something that has been practices and never feels authentic. It always feels so fake when they have to say it, it’s more like forced though.
‘Toujours pur’ to be pure, Wanting, and repeating the need to be pure shows all the purity you crave isn’t something you will ever acquire.
Regulus knows this, he knows this well, but his family doesn’t realise their mistake of thinking. A mistake that will lead to a life of impurity.
A life of being a blood traitor, they would say.
Of being human, imperfect. Regulus would correct.
_
2nd January 1976
“So… how’d it go Reg?”
“I got sent to play with fairies and live a happily ever after, what do you think Barty.” Regulus looks up from his book; another one Pandora had kindly gifted him for Christmas. The train rocking on the track like a white noise in the background.
“Yeah... Sue me for trying to think of a more positive experience!” Barty exclaims, putting a hand to his chest dramatically. Regulus rolls his eyes, too tired to deal with the amount energy all his friends have. Well, most of them at least.
“Oh yes as always cueing the dramatics, and Dorcas still calls me more dramatic.” Regulus grumbles in annoyance, letting no other emotion slip onto his face, like usual the blank mask is fitted snug on.
“I heard what happened with Sirius.” Dorcas mutters looking anywhere but at him, her eyes flitting around the small train carriage.
“Yeah.” Regulus remarks right back. “Can we not talk about it; I’ll tell you later.”
“Yeah, okay, but make sure there is a later.” Evan nudges into the conversation when he sees the opening, his face pleading in a way Regulus doesn’t see very often.
“Sure.”
The rest of the train ride moves slowly but surely, the carriage full of loud conversation. At one point Pandora falls asleep, her head rested on Dorcas’s shoulder, so they do calm down enough as to not wake her. Regulus wonders absent mindedly what got her so tired to fall asleep on a train, though knowing her she probably stayed up all night working on her new potion inventions. He wouldn’t be surprised if that was the reason.
When they arrive at Hogwarts it’s practically a mad dash to be sure to avoid the crowd of people running to their rooms, the good thing is it’s always been like this so people have become accustomed to the mad rush people have to run through. Its crowds of groups in every hall and corner going from first years all the way to seventh years trying to carry all their luggage up the stairs.
Regulus gets to the front of the Slytherin door, well wall, with Barty, Evan and Dorcas -Pandora had gone to put her things away in the Ravenclaw room she lives in- and luckily, they are one of the last groups to get there so there isn’t any pushing and pulling to get in there first.
“Serpent.” Barty blurts out, waiting for the entrance to be revealed to them so they can put their things and get something to eat in the dinner hall. Though by now it’s getting late, way past the usual time to have dinner, so its more of a supper kind of thing.
“There was a new entrance password, last time we did it was Felix Felicis right?” Evan questions the group three beside him.
“Yeah, some Gryffindors broke in.” Barty then looks at them with a knowing look on his face. It would take an idiot not to know who had pulled the prank, it was so obvious that it was his brother and his stupid group of friends that it was almost funny. “They didn’t want the same problem to happen again, and thankfully enough, neither do we.”
Regulus had found the antidote to the itching spell they had put on each Slytherin members bed almost as soon as he itched his arm two times. The next couple days he practically had the other people in his house on their knees for the antidote. He had reluctantly given it to them when the begging had stopped becoming so amusing. Even Snape and Mulciber had come to him and that brightened his day up significantly.
Regulus walks past the common room full of his peers, younger and older ones. They don’t spare his little huddle of people any glances, too engrossed in what they were doing; Whether it was talking or doing work they may have missed over the holidays.
When the three boys said goodbyes to Dorcas until they next see her which really depends on if she goes down to the dinner hall, they enter their own dorm, it the same as when they left it just without the feeling of a soul living there. It feels like this for a few weeks until they have a time with each other that could be considered memorable.
“Ugh I am so hungry! Regulus you coming with me and Barty?” Evan grumbles settling his bag down on his bed.
“No thanks, I’m not hungry”
“Suit yourself.” Barty shrugs throwing an arm around Evans shoulders before promptly shoving him out of the room. Regulus watches them leave with a faint smile on his face. Even though he’ll never admit, it it’s nice to see his two best friends so likeable -lovable- with each other. It’s better than seeing them fight or ignore one another.
Sighing and shaking his head Regulus pulls open one of his muggle books and settles himself on his bed, it’s another one he got from one of his friends, this time it was surprisingly from Dorcas.
The author is Fyodor Dostoevsky, Dorcas had said one of her siblings had recommended he read. She had supposedly told them about his interest in muggle literature, and they felt the need to provide some recommendations. Weirdly they had gone out of their way to buy it for him, it was a gift so thoughtful he wasn’t expecting it at all. But the name did make him want to read it, ‘crime and punishment’ would undoubtedly be expected to be something that would spark his attention.
He reads for a few hours and by that time his friends have come and gone to sleep, he now lays in bed not knowing what to do that would calm his racing thoughts that keeps his mind awake.
He does know one thing that would calm his mind though.
_
James cannot get to sleep.
No matter how many times he tosses and turns in his bed the luxury that would be sleep refuses to let itself bless him.
He grumbles and opens the curtains around his bed, grabbing the marauders map and his glasses from his desk, maybe (hopefully) this will make his eyes tired from reading the words on the paper. It’s what Moony says helps him, and James thinks that’s why he glares at James and Sirius when they’re both being loud before bed. His designated reading time you could say.
“I solemnly swear I am up to no good.” James whispers into the night, letting the words bleed onto the pages in his hand.
There's not really anything interesting happening aside from filch and his stupid cat doing his nightly patrols through the castle.
He does see a name that sparks his interest.
Regulus Black
He is one of the reasons James is unable to sleep, the night Sirius and him had appeared in his living room late into the evening still lingers in the front of his mind to this very day. Even though it was a couple weeks ago it feels as if it was only yesterday that he was being handed his best friend’s unconscious body and being told the reason was because of the cruciatus curse. That night haunts him even in his dreams, the blood that had coated his best friends arms from some kind of fall still feels like it’s on his hands.
The boy is somewhere in the forest and James’s mind immediately goes to the worse, what if he’s in danger or is lost. James doesn’t think he would be able to live with himself if he just let his best friends brother die, the forest isn’t a safe place to be especially this late at night.
James would know from personal experience.
He could go down to the forest just to check Reggie hadn’t got himself killed in the spam of how many hours he’s been down there.
It wouldn’t be a stupid thing to do surely; he can go in his stag form to make sure nothing can and would be able to kill him. Nothing in that forest aside from maybe the pixies are kind. At the most they are bearable of you, at the most.
James pulls the covers off of himself revealing his red and gold pyjamas, the curtains around his bed being slightly nudged open in the process.
He steps out into the cool air of the dorm, winter being blatantly obvious during the nighttime and its cool. He can hear Pete’s snores even through the silent spell he puts on the bed every night, Sirius and Remus and both deep asleep in their own respective beds.
James knows they won’t be able to hear him going out the door, except maybe Sirius so he knows he has to be extra quiet going past his bed to the door at the end of the room.
The marauders map in one hand and his wand in the other he slips on his shoes skilfully without putting the two objects down. James opens the door as silently as he can even though it basically sounds ten times louder in the still room.
The common room is bare, a weird place to be without the ruckus of the other people in his house, most of the time being filled with laughter and games being played.
Its one of his favourite things at having a place to stay at Hogwarts, a home.
James grabs the door that leads to the hallways in the castle, slipping though completely undetected. He’s lucky no one else is like him tonight, unable to sleep, most exhausted from the day of travel.
The fat lady is asleep in her painting; she probably wouldn’t expect anyone to want to come in or out the door she occupies at this time of night. Well, neither would James, but he has to do this every month, so he’s used to it.
He follows one of the ways on the map, that by now he has memorized, to a hidden passageway that he’s used so many times to be free, as an Animagus with Sirius and Peter, and free with Remus as moony.
The walk to the forest doesn’t take long since transformed into his stag form midway through, it’s warmer than being human, the objects he was previously holding now being held in his mouth.
He trots through the forest, weaving through the selection of different trees, he had identified where Regulus was from where his name was hovering on the map. It wasn’t too deep into the forest like he was worried about, but it was deep enough so that he wasn’t out of the woods yet.
See James’s joke? Sirius would have found it funny. He is hilarious, honestly.
Well, no he wouldn’t have, he probably would have called him stupid and them gone back to worrying about his baby brother being dead.
Eventually, he finds an opening in the forest different from the others, it has light from the moon reflecting on the water and luckily a person. That suspiciously looks like Regulus Black.
James transforms back and puts his map and wand into his pocket.
Looking back up, he watches Regulus for a moment
There's a different essence about him, no tense calculated movements or glares that burn holes in the person receiving them.
He looks… soft.
Well not soft, soft in the way he didn’t know Regulus could be.
He looks ethereal with the moon reflecting onto the parts of his face that is facing upwards. He could be a painting, like one of those really old paintings that people beg him to sit still for them to paint.
He looks beautiful.
It’s not like Regulus was ever ugly, not that. It’s just that James has never got this kind of full look at him, he’d always just skimmed past him. Distracted with the chaos that is him and his life.
But now… it’s as if he’s seeing him in a completely different light. One that isn’t reflected in which he’s being entertaining enough or perfect enough. One that lets him look in peace and wonder.
“All by yourself Reggie?” James steps out of the darkness, revealing himself to the person he’d been admiring.
Regulus whips his head around in surprise, seeming to had not noticed James behind one of the many trees surrounding them. The plain mask that he always has on slots into place again and James regrets saying anything. It was nice to see the boy without the glare that he always has on his face, but it was nice while it lasted. He hopes one day he would be able to see that again.
“What are you doing here?” Regulus asks, eyeing James up and down.
“You know, I could say the same about you.” James counters right back at him.
James walks to go sit beside the boy, noticing the eyes that track his movements cautiously.
“So… do you just come out here randomly?” James asks mirroring regulus’s actions earlier and looking up into the bright night sky.
“Why are you here?” Regulus repeats his question from just a moment ago with more force that he had previously put into it.
“Why are you?” James counters right back at the other boy watching his scowl deepen on his face, one that previously was relaxed and content. Anyway, he can’t just admit he has a magical map that he and his group of friends made that allows him to see everyone in the castle and its surrounding areas and where they are now can he?
Regulus sighs, again predictably ignoring his question, and James watches him look back up to the sky like he was a couple minutes ago.
“Again, do you just come out here randomly to star gaze?” James asks for the second time, he wants to get an answer and he hopes Regulus will give it to him. .
“Will you shut up and leave me alone if I answer?” Regulus sighs, looking back down at him with a sudden tired expression on his face. His voice proving that same feeling.
“Maybe.”
After a beat of silence that travels by, he answers, “Yes.”
James wasn’t really expecting Regulus to just give the answer to his question straight away, so it takes him by surprise when he does so almost immediately. James shuts up for a couple more minutes but doesn’t leave like he was bribed with.
“Why?” James questions, not being able to keep his questions in any longer, he’s never been the silent type, not like Regulus is.
“Why are you here Potter?” The boy asks, genuinely confused by his presence.
“A hunch you could say.” James smiles, a smile that is hinting into a smirk, and laughs at the deadpan look Regulus gives him.
They sit in comfortable silence when Regulus realises James doesn’t plan on leaving anytime soon, James would have expected it to be awkward but it’s almost like the complete opposite.
“Have you ever swum in here?” James interrupts the quite and pulls in hand that is holding him up to lap his fingers in different patterns in the water.
“I don’t particularly have a death wish so no.”
“I mean you kind of do being out here. It is called the forbidden forest for a reason Reggie.”
“Don’t call me that.” Regulus huffs and James swears there’s a hinting of a smile on his face.
“Reg?”
“Regulus.”
“Okay Reggie.”
“Regulus, not Reggie or Reg, we aren’t friends Potter.” Regulus sneers at him his eyebrows furrowing at James.
“I’ve swam in here, it is separated from the rest of the lake, so I guess its like less dangerous.” James starts ignoring the boy’s previous words. It’s true, he had swum in here, both Animagus and not, he had found this place on a full moon when he had gotten lost from the other three. The other boys didn’t really want to know the specifics of where he was as they were more worried about his health.
He later came here and swam, this time not as a stag and luckily, he didn’t die, you never really know what you’re going to get when you go in water that is in the Forbidden Forest.
“That sounds like something you would do, I’m not surprised.” Regulus rolls his eyes, clearly amused at the thought.
“Would you do it?”
“Well, I can’t swim so, no?” Regulus replies and looks at James like he’d just said the stupidest thing in the entire world.
“Oh, yeah, I forgot.” He did forget, Sirius had told him late at night, when they were huddled into his bed back in second year. He had said that his parents never taught him or his brother how and James knows now they were to busy hurting and casting spells on their children to teach them basic necessities for life.
“I could teach you.”
“…”
“…What?” Regulus looks up from the water to look into his eyes, those grey eyes, entrancing in a way if you stare for too long, you’ll get lost in the pool of darkness and light.
“I could teach you. We could come here, like how we are now, and I could teach you how.” James says honestly in response.
“It’s winter.” Regulus mutters staring at the water that is still in the front of him.
“We could do it when it gets warmer or we could cast warming charms on ourselves, we aren’t muggles Reggie.”
“Don’t call me that, and I know that but why?” Regulus grumbles settling himself onto his knees.
“What can I say, a hunch, that or you know I’m just a brilliant, kind person.” James says fake smugness in his voices as he pretends to throw his hair back like Sirius would with his hair.
“You’re so cocky, and really a hunch?” Regulus roles his eyes for the second time that night, looking into the forest around the two of them.
James suddenly sobers up at the look on Regulus’s face, not the same as he was earlier but something that could develop into that emotion.
“It’s because I care, Regulus. I care about you and your brother.”
“You’re weird Potter.” Regulus says finally when he flits his eyes back to his, a scowl set back onto his face like James always gets. He finds he doesn’t mind it though as long as Regulus is looking at him.
“Nothing I haven’t heard before, try harder next time.” James snarks back at him, a bright smile on his face that his friends say could rival the sun, even at night he is the sun.
“I’m going to bed, do what you want to do, if you die out here, I wasn’t a witness.” Regulus climbs up onto his feet and James watches him leave, a laugh bubbling out of his lips and the smile firmly plated onto his face. The boy’s steps are delicate, like Regulus is any time he does anything, that is aside from his personality that is anything but delicate.
When James can’t see Regulus anymore, he looks up to the sky and the stars twinkle brightly back at him, ones more brightly that others but they do all the same.
This is going to be a good year James thinks, he doesn’t know why, maybe a hunch.