Chapter Text
Losing absolutely sucked. And against Washington? God, the day could not have been worse.
Shane slumped against his locker, shutting his eyes as his mind wandered into its usual checklist.
He had to call/text Ilya (he’s going to have a field day when he sees the score) - but he was flying later. He had to take a shower, but maybe an ice bath was better? Maybe he should foam roll? Did the hotel even have a decent foam roller?
“Whoa, whoa, whoa - fuck, guys. Centaur’s team were in a plane crash.” J.J. announced loudly.
Shane jerked his head around. J.J was clutching his phone, his thumb rapidly scrolling through the article. His brows knit as he brought his thumb to his mouth and started biting on his nails.
No.
“What did you say?” Shane asked, standing up and feeling his heart rate start to pick up. He looked over to find Hayden walking over slowly to the duo. His eyes darted between the two players.
“ESPN just posted that there was a plane crash. No other details.” J.J said, looking up to see team members starting to form a circle.
There was a cold dread blooming in Shane’s stomach. His mouth had gone dry, as if the water bottle he drank right after the game didn’t exist. But if there was a plane crash, that meant, that meant that-
Shane’s hands started to shake, he tried flexing his hand to calm his nerves. He had to ask, he had to fucking ask if Ilya was alive.
He tried opening his mouth, but every time he tried to get a word out, his brain would whisper:
Ilya’s dead.
He died thinking you were ashamed of him.
“What do we know J.J? Is there…. Are there any deaths being reported?” Hayden asked, his hand landing on Shane’s shoulder, squeezing it slightly. Shane dropped his head to stare at the dirty locker floor, drops of water mixed with the discarded dirty towels.
“No deaths being reported according to ESPN, but looking at CNN. Looks like they crashed somewhere near Georgia.” J.J. mumbled, and Shane could hear the clicking sounds of the keyboard. Focusing hard on the water droplets hitting the ground.
“New York Times is reporting that there are several injuries…. Lots of critical and severe injuries.” Yelled out Comeau.
There was a sharp intake of breath from J.J. “They’re all getting airlifted to Savannah, Georgia. No deaths are being reported at this time.”
“So… they’re, they’re-”
“It’s too early to tell - families are being contacted right now. All games are on pause.” J.J said gently, a look passed over to Hayden before to Shane. “Do you, do you want to read?” J.J asked quietly as he held out his phone to Shane.
Shane took it, biting his lower lip hard as he started to scan the article. An official announcement from the league. His vision was blurring as he felt the tears threaten to spill, but he was in the fucking locker room. And he was trying to focus on the words printed on the screen but everything in him was screaming.
“I know you’re friends with Ilya… I’m sure he’s fine… he’s a fighter.” J.J said quietly, patting Shane on the shoulder as Shane looked up as he stared directly into the lights. That had to be the trick, right? To stop crying?
He had to fucking move. He had to get out of the room before he exposed them. But did it matter? Ilya was hurt. Ilya was alone. And Shane wasn’t there. He had to move. And the absolute fear of it all was keeping him locked in as his teammates started to mill around. Whispering as if speaking loudly was a disrespect to the tragedy.
“I have to, I have to go-” Shane mumbled as he shoved the phone back to J.J, avoiding his gaze.
“I’ve got your stuff Shane, here, let me walk you out.” Hayden said, jerking his head to the door, both of their bags slinged over his shoulders.
Shane nodded, quickly matching Hayden’s pace. As soon as they were out the door, Hayden pivoted into the emergency stairway, looking behind him as the two entered the stairway.
As soon as the door latched behind them, Shane dropped to his knees, and started to hyperventilate. He dimly heard Hayden as he started to sob, trying to get as many breaths as he could in.
He’s dead.
“Breathe, breathe, it’s going to be okay-”
“Don’t fucking say that.” Shane snapped as he snarled, looking up at Hayden’s panicked gaze. “We don’t know if it’s going to be okay. I don’t know where he is. FUCK.” He slammed his fist on the ground.
An echo rattled off of the walls in the stairway.
Hayden took a shaky breath as he dropped each of their bags one after another. He slowly got down onto the stairwell floor, bringing up his own knees as he stared concerningly at Shane.
“I don’t know how to get there.” Shane blabbered, as he felt a new wave of tears swelling up. Do I fly? Is that safe? Do I go home first to get stuff? Will they… will they even let me see him?”
Suddenly, Shane couldn’t get enough air into his lungs. Hayden was speaking, but Shane couldn’t hear a word as he ducked his face down between his knees.
Oh my god, was Shane even Ilya’s emergency contact? Who the fuck was Ilya’s emergency contact?
Shane let out a wail. How unbelievably stupid they have been. And they were going to pay the ultimate price.
“Shane, Shane, buddy - your mom is calling.” Hayden hesitated before going, “Here, let me just take it.” Hayden said hurriedly, a panicked tone. And Shane could hear the swish in the track pants as Hayden stood up to take the call a bit further away.
Shane looked up, Hayden’s back was turned to him, but he could see his head nod.
Was this the call?
A minute or two passed before Hayden turned around and held out the phone. “Shane, your mom wants to talk to you.”
Shane grabbed the phone. “Mom?” He asked, his voice breaking as he started to cry again.
“Shane, Farah called us - your dad is already on the way.”
“On the way where? And Farah? My agent?”
“Yes, Farah, your agent. Ilya has been listing her as an emergency contact. She called us as soon as she started getting the call. She’s also on the way to Savannah, but your dad is going to get there first.”
“Dad’s flying to Ilya?”
“Dad’s flying to Ilya, he’s already at the airport.” His mom said hurriedly, slightly out of breath.
“Are you,” Shane paused, his stomach twisting, “Are you going to go too?” he asked hopefully.
There was a pause, and an angry huff on the other end of the line. “Shane, of course I am.” His mom said exasperatedly. Shane’s shoulders relaxed a bit as his mom rattled on.”I’m packing up stuff right now so we all have clothes. I’ve got stuff for him, me, you, and… Ilya. He, uh, has been leaving things here lately.” She said quietly.
“Does that mean… he’s still alive?” Shane choked out the words, as he stared up Hayden who had his fist to his mouth.
“He’s still alive. But he’s in critical condition.” His mom said and Shane took his first real breath that settled his lungs and soul.
“He’s alive. Oh my god, he’s still-” Shane panted as he felt his hand shake.
“And Dad will be there soon enough. I have your ticket already bought and as far as the league… games are suspended for the next week. Farah is going to release a family emergency statement if your absence is noted.”
“Okay. Okay.” Shane paused before diving into the next question.
“Mom… Ilya is going to be okay, right? He’s going to survive this?” He cringed at how pathetic he sounded. But he just really needed his mom to reassure him that it was going to be alright. As if this was a bad nightmare she could soothe away.
He heard his mom take a sharp breath, “God, I hope so Shane.” And on the other side, Shane could hear her crying. And it was too much to think of her heart break on top of his.
“Okay, I’m going, I’m going to the airport then. Let me know when you’re boarding.” Shane said, wiping the tears from his face as he nodded towards Hayden.
“Yeah, of course.”
“Mom - I love you.”
He heard her laugh softly, “I love you too kiddo, I’ll see you soon.”
-&-
Hayden drove him to the airport. They sat in silence as they weaved through traffic. At one point, Hayden turned on the radio but the news started blaring about the plane crash and Shane had to turn it off.
There was no need to speed to get to the airport since the flight was later in the evening, but it felt like they were speeding through time. As Shane stared at his phone, flipping through the screens, he noticed he had a notification on Instagram.
He only had his notifications turned on for one person.
Grinding his teeth, he looked over to Hayden who was staring at the road ahead. Both hands on the wheel.
Before he could psych himself out, Shane pushed on the app. Opened it up to the messages, and felt his stomach curl. His eyes kept skimming the lines. And his heart thundered in his chest as he read the last message, his breathing quickening.
Thank you for those.
Whatever happens, I am with you. Safe in your heart. I believe it.
No. No. No. No. These couldn’t be the last words.
Shane could feel the saliva pool in his mouth, he only had seconds before his body reacted.
“Hayden, pull over.” Shane croaked out.
“What?”
“Hayden, pull over now.” Shane cried out.
Hayden swore under his breath as he quickly weaved into the emergency lane. There were honks and swear words hurled at them but Shane couldn’t care. As soon as the car stopped, Shane shoved the car door open and vomited out into the asphalt. His seatbelt was still on, restricting him from face planting into his own sick.
Maybe that was for the best. But maybe, maybe, that’s exactly what Shane deserved.
“Oh, Shane…” Hayden said softly, reaching over to rub his back in small circles.
Shane couldn’t find it in himself to even feel shame over this. And instead, he cried for what felt like a millionth time for the day.
“He sent me… he sent me a message before… before.” And inhumane sound escaped him. And he pulled himself up, shut the door, and looked at Hayden.
“I don’t deserve him. It should’ve been me on the plane.” Shane said as Hayden's eyes widened, his face paling.
“No, no. Shane, please don’t say that. Ilya would actually murder you for saying that. You two deserve each other-“
“We got into a massive fight.” Shane cut him off. “He wanted me to go to a party with him and his team, and I said no. And it just spiraled. And I was such an idiot. I made it sound like I would actually choose hockey over him. And I didn’t realize just how much he gave up so that I could be happy. So that I can continue to play with the team. That I can have my cake and eat it too.”
Shane sighed, he could feel his face grimace as the shame washed over him. “We did talk. We did say sorry. And we were going to have a bigger talk, and my grand gesture Hayden… you know what I fucking had planned?” Shane snapped.
“Were you… were you going to propose?” Hayden asked hoarsely, his eyes trailing down to the center console.
Shane laughed, because fuck that was a better idea than what he had. “No, that wasn’t even it! It was that I was going to see if he wanted to host another team party and that I would ‘randomly’ stop by! And we could stand next to each other as everyone else makes mindless small talk. And even if I couldn’t hold his hand, or touch his waist while going to the kitchen… I was going to be there. That was my grand, pathetic excuse of a gesture.” Shane shook his head, breathing heavily through his nose, staring straight ahead because he wasn’t going to be able to stand Hayden’s own judgement.
“Ilya will still like the gesture.” Hayden said softly, his arm going out to pat Shane on the shoulder.
“I don’t deserve him.” Shane whispered again. And this time, Hayden unlocked his seatbelt and threw his arms over Shane. Shane didn’t even realize that Hayden was crying until he felt the shaking of his body and cracking of his voice.
“You deserve him. He deserves you. You two are madly in love. It’s fucking obvious when you’re in a room together which is probably why no one who knows your secret would condone the whole, ‘yeah party together’. You’re going to work this out. It’s going to be okay. He’s going to be okay.”
Shane squeezed his eyes shut as he let out a shaking breath. He grabbed on to Hayden’s arm that was wrapped around his neck and just rested his head. Trying to get himself to believe.
“Just… did the party have a theme? Feel like we can gussy up the party, ya know?” Hayden said lightly, and Shane was able to let out a genuine laugh, as he pulled his hands away and Hayden was able to lean back.
“No… I’m actually terrible at party planning. I just know to make sure the fridge is stocked with coke and to grab anything sugary and colorful at the grocery store for him.”
Hayden laughed, “He’d love that. And… maybe ask Jackie for some party planning tips, she’s got a whole Pinterest board for that shit.” Shane nodded his head, smiling a bit as Hayden started to put his seatbelt on.
“I do want to propose to him.” Shane said, looking at Hayden. “I just… I have all these half baked ideas. And it was always, ‘when the time is right’. I keep going back and forth if it should be in the summer, or maybe the winter as a surprise? Because he loves surprises. Should I have a dog do it-“
“Absolutely yes to the dog. Ilya would lose his shit-“
“But what if he’s so distracted by the dog he doesn’t even realize that I’m down on one knee?”
“Hm, yeah, that’s a real valid concern for him.”
“I just… I don’t want to do it if he thinks I’m doing it out of fear of losing him. Before, that meant after a big fight or something…. Now.... That takes on a whole new meaning.” Shane blew out a breath as he heard Hayden start the car again.
“You’re going to figure it out. But now, let’s get you to the airport.”
Shane nodded his head and crossed his arm. It was going to be a long night.
-&-
Shane boarded his flight with no problem. Luckily, his hat and baggy sweatshirt hid him enough that no one realized it was him on his flight. He was even luckier that there was no one sitting next to him and he was able to snag a window seat. He immediately purchased the wifi, but he promised Hayden (and his parents) to not read the news and to let them text him updates.
But, at this point, the adrenaline had worn enough and though he was crashing… his mind was in full anxiety. He had no idea what to do with that energy, locked in a plane, with several hours to go.
His flight entertainment system had the map up. As if staring at the plane making small movements would spur the pilots to go faster, or cause time to move faster. But he knew, after countless flights chasing Ilya, that nothing would spur on time.
But sitting here, doing nothing was killing him. If he couldn’t scroll through his phone for news and if he couldn’t physically help the plane go faster… What could he do?
He wasn’t sure if he believed in God. His parents never discouraged him from going to church but they were never one to fully endorse the spiritual life either. Should he pray to God? Or was that frowned upon?
Staring at the window, the thought struck him of who he could pray to. Someone that felt right.
Mimicking the cross movements he’d seen Ilya do, he closed his eyes and clamped his hands together.
Irina. Hi. It’s me… Ilya’s boyfriend. I should have maybe prayed to you sooner? He would want me to pray to you more than to God.
Ilya talks about you all the time, and if there was someone I could trust to guard while we all rush towards him… it’s you.
I love your son and I want more than anything for him to be alive.
And healthy.
Preferably both at the same time.
Please, protect him and save him. I’ll love him forever.
Just- please make sure he’s alive when I land.
Amen.
Shane slowly opened his eyes, blinked a few times, before redoing the cross sequence. He looked around to see if other passengers saw him, but they were either sleeping soundly with their eye masks or glued to their screens with the latest bad film drop.
It felt insane to Shane that his entire life was falling apart, that his entire world had been tilted on its axis, and no one on the flight bothered to look up.
And while he didn’t feel completely better, he did feel like he at least did something right. And right on cue, his phone buzzed. It was from his dad.
Dad: I’m at the hospital. He’s still alive.
-&-