Chapter Text
Shane gets worse in ways they don’t want to talk about, but there’s no hiding it.
The headaches come more often now and the dizziness lingers. Sometimes Shane can’t make it up the stairs without stopping halfway, forehead pressed to the wall while Ilya waits behind him, his hands hovering, ready to catch him.
They spend most of their nights curled together on the couch with the lights off and Shane tucked against Ilya’s side, dozing. Tonight, however, Shane is restless
“Ilya.” He says.
“Yes?” Ilya hums softly, thumb tracing slow circles into Shane’s arm.
“Preseason starts soon.”
Ilya doesn’t respond right away and Shane is almost scared to continue, knowing neither of them will like where this is going.
“Obviously, I’m going to be out for a while.” Shane continues. “But you have to go back Ilya. People will wonder where you are.”
“I’m not leaving.”
“You can’t stay here forever.” Shane shifts to look up at Ilya. “And you can’t tell them why.”
“I don’t need to,” Ilya says. “I say I am helping friend recovering from illness. That is allowed.”
“People won’t buy that.”
“I do not care.” Ilya says.
“I don’t want you making excuses for me. Sneaking around and lying to everyone.”
“I would lie to entire world,” Ilya says without hesitation, “if it keeps you safe.”
“I know you’re scared, and I am too.” Shane admits. “That something might happen and you won’t be here.”
“Which is exactly why I will be here.” Ilya says firmly.
“What if it costs you?”
“Then that is price I pay gladly.” Ilya leans his forehead against Shane’s.
“That’s not fair.” Shane says. “You shouldn’t have to choose between your career and—”
“And loving you?” Ilya finishes. “That is not difficult choice.”
“I don’t want to be the reason you lose everything.”
“This is my choice to make, no?”
“This is still new, Ilya.” Shane hesitates. “Now is the time, if you want to back out.”
“Hollander.” Ilya sighs. “Shane.. if I did not want to be here I would have gone already. I know what I want.”
“If you stay…” Shane says. “Promise me you won’t regret it.”
“I promise.” He says. “I will regret only the things I do not do for you.”
“I love you”
“I love you too, moya lyubov.”
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Shanes parents arrive the next afternoon. Yuna immediately settles herself down on the couch next to Shane, smoothing his hair back with one hand and wrapping the other one around him, almost as if she’s reassuring herself that he’s still there. David stands behind them for a second, watching them closely with watery eyes, before clearing his throat.
“Ilya.” He says. “Walk with me?”
Ilya hesitates, instinctively glancing at Shane. Leaving still feels wrong, even for a few minutes.
“Go.” Shane catches his eye and gives him a small smile. “I’ll be fine. Moms got me.”
“Okay.” Ilya nods. “Just… call if you need me.”
“I will.” Shane promises.
They walk in silence for a minute. The air outside is cool and the sky is bright, almost too bright for Ilya who feels like he hasn’t left the house for anything other than doctor’s appointments for weeks.
“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to,” David says eventually. “I just thought we could talk.”
“Of course.”
“You’ve been here a lot.”
“Yes.” Ilya says. “I want to be.”
“Shane leans on you.”
“He is… very brave. But he does not like to be alone.”
“Never has. Not when he’s sick.” David hums. “I know you two haven’t always gotten along. At least, that’s what the rest of the world thinks.”
“True.” Ilya smiles. “We are very convincing.”
“My son loves you.”
“Yes. I love him too.”
“Good” David nods. “Then I just want you to know, you don’t have to carry this alone. You don’t have to be the strong one all the time.”
“I am not sure I know how not to be.” Ilya looks down at the pavement
“You’re doing right by him, that’s what matters to us and we are here for you as well as Shane.”
“Thank you.” Ilya swallows hard.
“How long do you have left till the end of the break?” David asks.
“Not long.” Ilya admits. “Preseason starts soon.”
“That’s what I thought. We’re grateful you’re here, Ilya. But you cant put your career on hold forever.”
“I know.” Ilya stops walking. “We have been talking about this too.”
“Hockey careers are short. Sometimes if you lose a season, whether through injury or something else, you don’t always get it back.”
“I understand. I have worked my entire life for this.”
“So what’s your plan?” David asks gently.
“I do not have perfect plan. I know I cannot stay forever. But right now—” Ilya gestures vaguely back toward the house. “He is not stable. Some days he cannot walk straight and he wakes up confused. I cannot leave him like that.”
“That makes sense.”
“But when surgery happens.” Ilya continues. “There will be recovery. It will be weeks… or months and he will pretend he is fine before he is.”
“Yeah. That sounds like my kid.” David exhales. “So what happens when the team calls?”
“They already have,” Ilya admits. “They ask when I am returning and I say soon. I say I am dealing with family issue.”
“You’ll have to go back eventually, even if it’s hard.”
“I know,” Ilya says. “But I need him to be safe first. With you and with his mom or with doctors. Not alone.”
“You’re not abandoning him by going back to work.”
“It feels like it.” Ilya meets his gaze.
“Nothing bad is going to happen to him because you get on a plane.”
“Maybe not. But fear does not listen to logic.”
“No. It doesn’t.” David smiles faintly. “Alright, lets head back in, before they think we’ve been kidnapped.”
The house is quiet when they step back in. The tv has been turned off and both Shane and his Mom have disappeared from the couch, leaving Shane’s blankets laid over the arm.
“Shane?” Ilya calls.
“I think she took him to bed, he looked tired.” David says.
Ilya moves down the hallway, shoes still on, slowing down automatically when he hears low voices coming from behind the slightly open door. He’s about to go in when something, he doesn’t know what, in Shane’s voice makes him stop.
“..I know.” Shane says. “I know its not what you want to hear, Mom. But I need you to promise me.”
“Sweetheart.” Yuna’s voice wobbles.
“Mom. Please.” Shane says, sounding firmer that before. “Promise, if I don’t make it through the surgery, you need to look after Ilya.”
The words hit him like a physical blow, his hands curling into fists at his side. If Shane didn’t make it, Ilya wouldn’t need to be looked after because he would have no interest in staying in a world without Shane Hollander.
“He won’t ask,” Shane continues. “He’ll say he’s fine and then disappear back into himself. He won’t let anyone help him. You have to make sure he eats and that he sleeps. He doesn’t have anyone else and he’s giving up everything to be here.”
“You’re not going anywhere.” Yuna whispers.
“I hope not,” Shane says. “But promise me anyway.”
“I promise.” His mother says. “I’ll take care of him. I swear.”
That’s when Ilya breaks.
He turns his face into his sleeve as the sob tears out of him completely uncontrollable. He slides down the wall until he’s sitting on the floor, knees drawn up, arms wrapped around himself like it might hold him together.
If he dies.
The words loop cruelly in his head.
He had known Shane was scared. He hadn’t known Shane had already started preparing for a world without himself in it.
He doesn’t know how long he sits there like not, how long until the voices inside quieten and he forces himself to stand up and knock gently on the door.
Inside the room is dim, curtains drawn halfway against the afternoon light. Shane is asleep on the bed, turned slightly onto his side. Yuna is sat next to him, one hand resting gently on Shane’s arm.
“He wore himself out.” She whispers. “Come sit with me, Ilya.”
Ilya crosses the room being careful to not make too much noise and wake shane. He perches on the other side of the bed, close enough to feel Shane’s warmth but not touching yet.
“He worries about you,” Yuna says quietly.
“I know.” Ilya swallows.
“You’re not on your own, you know.”
“We will take care of him together.” Ilya whispers. “For as long as we can.”
He watches Shane’s chest rise and fall.
Alive. Here.