Chapter Text
Dorian
“Commander,” I ask him one day, as we take our regular constitutional along the battlements (I asked him one evening and he clearly couldn’t think of an excuse to say no - but now he comes willingly a few times a week. As it were.) “You were a Templar.”
“I was.” His tone grows guarded. He seems completely taken aback by my next question - though it’s a natural enough one, I think.
“Does that mean you’ve taken a vow of celibacy?”
I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone blush so fiercely. It’s quite charming. “I…Well, no. I don’t imagine that-”
“That it’s any of my business? You’re quite right, of course.” I pause. “So you haven’t?”
He clears his throat. “It’s not…required. If one chooses to, one can…”
“Aha.” I raise my eyebrows. “I imagine the ladies of Kirkwall were most relieved.”
“Dorian…”
He looks so extraordinarily uncomfortable that I take pity on him. And he hasn’t contradicted or corrected me about ladies, which leaves me feeling rather flat.
We continue our walk - I compliment him for the well turned out appearance of the soldiers we pass on the walls. He seems pleased, but also a little distracted. Is he offended by my teasing?
I try to find another avenue of conversation, because the air between us is awkward in a way it has never been. Just as I open my mouth to comment on the lovely weather, he turns to me.
“What about the ladies of Tevinter?”
I frown. “The…?”
He already looks like he regrets starting this. “You said the ladies of Kirkwall must have been pleased that I…” He clears his throat, avoiding eye contact.
I put two and two together, and him out of his misery. “So you were wondering how the ladies of Tevinter feel about me?”
He nods. We’ve stopped walking by this time, and I face him. “I like men, Cullen. Always have. Romantically,” I add, in case there’s further room for ambiguity.
His eyes meet mine, finally. “Oh.”
“I was under the impression that you knew that,” I say softly.
He swallows hard. “I think I did.”
His eyes are fixed on mine now, and we seem to have drawn closer, somehow.
“What do you like?”
His lips part, but he says nothing - and for a moment I could have sworn he was going to kiss me.
Instead, he draws himself up like the soldier he is, and gives me a tight smile. “I should get back. Thank you for the walk.”
Cullen
I don’t think walking with him is a good idea. I cannot allow myself to be distracted now. Especially not by those eyes, or the thought of kissing him. Or the velvet of his voice as he asked me what I want. I am here for a reason, and it is not Dorian Pavus.
I have resolved to tell him as soon as I can, and I have only to steel myself as I walk towards him, waiting on the battlements. Trying not to notice that smile as he sees me.
Things are off between us, after our last walk - I notice him looking sideways at me today.
“Are you quite all right, Commander?”
I nod, forcing a smile. I want to be back at my desk, looking at my plans. Safe. I need to get on with this. “Things are getting serious,” I say. “We’re very close to Corypheus now.”
“And you’re doing a sterling job, as always,” he says smoothly.
“Thank you.” I stop, looking over the battlements to the snow covered mountains. I love this place. I feel at home here, perhaps more than anywhere else. More than Kirkwall. I think he might be part of the reason for that, and the thought fills me with trepidation. “So I don’t think I can go on our walks anymore,” I say. I try to meet his eyes, but mine stop somewhere around his moustache. “I’m very busy.”
There’s a silence that actually forces me to look at him. I wonder if he’ll be annoyed, or disappointed, even. But there’s nothing but concern in his grey-brown eyes. I would know those eyes anywhere, I find myself thinking. I would know his voice anywhere.
“Have I caused offence somehow?”
I have the ridiculous urge to tell him everything, but I draw myself up. “I simply don’t have time to socialise at present.”
“Is that what we’re doing?” I don’t think he’s moved, but suddenly he seems far too close. Not close enough.
I find myself looking at his lips. They part under my gaze and I hastily look back up into his eyes, which doesn’t help.
“You don’t want to see me anymore?”
“I…” He smells so good. I want to see all of him. I close my eyes briefly, because I need to stop this. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.” I swallow hard. “If I’m going to send you into the field - not just you, obviously, all of you, I mean - then I need to make sure the plan is sound.”
“It will be sound,” he tells me, and his hand is on my upper arm with just a little pressure. It feels so good that I know I need to get away. “It always is.”
“I lost her in the Fade, Dorian!” I didn’t mean it to come out so forcefully.
A crease forms between his brows. “You can’t control everything, Commander.” It’s oddly gentle, for him. “We survived, didn’t we?”
I need to be gone. I reach to remove his hand from my arm - another mistake, because my hand lands on his, and his fingers twine with mine as I remove them. So now we appear to be holding hands.
He sees my distress, of course. For someone so outwardly carefree, he is surprisingly astute. And he can read me in a way that’s unhelpful.
Pull yourself together, Rutherford.
He doesn’t let go of my hand. “I’m worried about you.”
“Please, don’t.” I need to be able to walk away, but I’m still holding on to him, too. “There’s no need.”
“It’s snowing,” says Dorian, and suddenly it is, thick flakes falling slowly all around us. We both look up at the swirling sky, and when we look back there is so little space between us.
He’s looking into my face. “Cullen. What is it that you want?”
“I want to kiss you.” I freeze. Maker’s balls, I did not mean to say that. My heart is pounding like I’m in battle.
Dorian’s smile is slow. “I knew it.” There is real desire in his eyes now, not the flirtatious echo.
I am terrified, but that has never stopped me entering the fray. “So…may I?”
But something in his face abruptly changes. He steps away. “Cullen…I-”
“Oh.” My stomach drops. I am horrified. “Forgive me,” I say, looking down. “I’ve clearly misread the situation, I do apologise.”
I turn on my heel and stride away, heart pounding. Dorian calls my name, but I don’t stop. I just want to be away, as far away as possible. I don’t stop until my office door is closed behind me - and then I stand in the middle of the room, reliving our conversation, wishing the rest of the ceiling would fall down on me.