Chapter Text
15th best Metro: ways to sex when they cannot look at screens and shares house with parents
Hayden: this isn’t Google.
Hayden: get a life
15th best Metro: my dick isn’t out for the season
15th best Metro: is still in the playoffs
15th best Metro: how did your dick do?
15th best Metro: is your dick still in playoffs? I forget...🤔
Hayden: fuck off
Hayden: you know I have to delete these
Hayden: the playoffs lost a dick tonight 😢
15th best Metro: You have been thinking about that all week
15th best Metro: You were hoping for a loss so you could say that
15th best Metro: There’s still the old man dick left
Hayden: I know I'm not supposed to talk about your theories
Hayden: and I know I’m not the one to ask
Hayden: but really Hunter? I just don't see it
Hayden: speculating about that is the most interesting part of this game
15th best Metro: I know 🤣
15th best Metro: it's so boring
15th best Metro: am literally packing for Russia while the game is on
15th best Metro: but look what I founddddd
15th best Metro: [photo]
Hayden: is that a Boston onesie???
Hayden: you can fuck right the hell off with that
Hayden: if that enters my house I will burn it.
15th best Metro: she will look so cuteeeee
Hayden: she will look cute in literally anything
Hayden: she will not be wearing that.
Hayden: what the fuck I look away for thirty seconds and Scott Hunter is kissing a dude???
15th best Metro: I can not believe this
Hayden: ?? You knew about him already
15th best Metro: no that was guessing
15th best Metro: didn’t know anything
Hayden: who’s next? Anyone we know?
Hayden: just saying he was not kissing V**ghn so I hope you didn’t place money on that theory.
15th best Metro: no that little guy was cuter than V*****
15th best Metro: must have a grandfather fetish
Hayden: ok d*de you can't follow me on instagram anymore
Hayden: you definitely can't comment "mine" on my newborn baby post
15th best Metro: oh J*** is social media tsar too now?
Hayden: no that command is just for me
Hayden: but Jane doesn't like that you follow me on instagram either
Hayden: the optics
Hayden: omg I see you're also following Jackie
Hayden: you commented "can't wait to spoil my niece" on hers
Hayden: that's a public profile!!!
Hayden: why is Jackie not more freaked out about this!!!
Hayden: ok all your comments are deleted but how long before this gets picked up by stan tumblr
15th best Metro: who is stan tumblr
Hayden: no one nevermind
15th best Metro: I am on stan tumblr
15th best Metro: I love it
15th best Metro: we must never tell Panic Attack about this
15th best Metro: #hollanov????
15th best Metro: they know everything.
15th best Metro: I have heart eyes
15th best Metro: delete everything
15th best Metro: they will take the smallest clue and run
15th best Metro: maybe does Panic Attack already know about this?
15th best Metro: is stan why we text like this?
Hayden: just overheard someone tell their parents they are taking a two-week “silent retreat” to their cottage next month.
Hayden: I thought you were going to Russia but this has sex vacation written all over it.
Hayden: romantic vacations are very, very casual, no feelings involved there.
Hayden: it’s not fair when I’m going to be changing newborn diapers
Hayden: other people shouldn’t be allowed to have sex when I’m not.
15th best Metro: ???
15th best Metro: who is?
15th best Metro: I am in Russia.
Hayden: fuck... maybe it’s not a sex retreat?
Hayden: it’s really not you?
15th best Metro: no I am kidding
15th best Metro: of course I am doing 2 week sex trip
15th best Metro: maybe come to the cottage during the second week of sex trip?
15th best Metro: would be fun
15th best Metro: could just be regular trip that day
Hayden: I literally will have a month-old baby?
Hayden: I absolutely can not do that
15th best Metro: she is the reason you are invited
15th best Metro: need to meet her 😭
Hayden: you know what's wild?
Hayden: I told Jackie you said I should go to the cottage
Hayden: like because it was funny and ridiculous?
Hayden: and she said I should take Amber and go for a night
Hayden: she said it would be a good night's sleep for her and good for the kids to get mom's attention again?
Hayden: it was almost like she wanted this?
15th best Metro: 😇 this is why I am J*cki*'s favorite
15th best Metro: let me ask J*ne
Hayden: you didn't ask her first???
Hayden: hahaha they just cut to you texting at the MLH awards
Hayden: MVP couldn't go to anyone but Hunter right?
Hayden: these speeches are long af
Hayden: I would be asleep
15th best Metro: I think I am going to speak with him
15th best Metro: Angry Kitten thinks he already knew when she fought him
15th best Metro: love that fight. I want to pull it up on my phone and show him
15th best Metro: but I think I should tell him he made me cancel my Russia flight
Hayden: aww that's why?
15th best Metro: 🤷♂️
Hayden: wait were you lying when you said he heard you two doing it?
Hayden: I think if he knew anything, it was because of that
Hayden: not bc he was gay too
Hayden: you were just lucky he was gay too
Hayden: also how did you know he was listening in??
Hayden: I need details
15th best Metro: she said he had the hotel room next to ours
15th best Metro: but then she was super loud anyway like she always is
15th best Metro: because I am very good at head
15th best Metro: I was also probably loud because she is also very good at head
15th best Metro: I think there was also hand stuff and rubbing
Hayden: I am blocking your number.
15th best Metro: you said details!
Hayden: gross. sorry I asked.
15th best Metro: anyway he probably did not hear over his crying
15th best Metro: we both broke his shot record that day
15th best Metro: great day
Hayden: wtf
Hayden: god you couldn't be talking about rookie season all star weekend
Hayden: that's the last time anyone but you two have had that record
15th best Metro: is when I met Panic Attack 🖤
Hayden: I thought you knew each other before then??
Hayden: you hooked up the weekend you met??
15th best Metro: No I knew S****
15th best Metro: very well 😋
15th best Metro: but it was the first time I met Panic Attack
15th best Metro: and then I got Jane's number
15th best Metro: actually Angry Kitten was there too bc of the old man
15th best Metro: all my favorites
15th best Metro: very very good day
Hayden: ah yes everyone has a favorite casual sex partner of 7? years
Hayden: when I go to the cottage I am sitting you both down for a detailed timeline.
Hayden: NOT DETAILED I didn't mean detailed
15th best Metro: there will be details
Hayden: did you get to the cottage?
Hayden: I'm assuming yes bc no one has answered a text in 2 days and or asked about the baby even once
15th best Metro: yes we are here
Hayden: wow two more days later and still nothing from anyone else
15th best Metro: been busy with gendered genitals
15th best Metro: and non-gendered genitals
15th best Metro: have you heard of a loon or is she making it up?
Hayden: Like the bird?
15th best Metro: Jane enjoyed your phone call 😂
Hayden: you know
Hayden: the whole time I kept thinking
Hayden: there’s no way they’d actually be doing this
Hayden: when I’m on the phone
Hayden: holding my newborn daughter
Hayden: that it couldn’t actually be happening.
15th best Metro: a gentleperson never says 🤐
Hayden: you can't be coy about it now, asshole!!!!
Hayden: I already heard the worst things a person could hear!
Hayden: was it not enough to include me in your sexting???
Hayden: I had to be there for the actual thing??
Hayden: I am NOT going to the cottage anymore
15th best Metro: omg Panic Attack II !!
Hayden: all along I've thought
Hayden: ok so Lily is a sexual deviant
Hayden: but Jane is so innocent and hates these antics
Hayden: but no
Hayden: I can't BELIEVE Jane let that happen
Hayden: fully wanted to believe it was literally anything else happening over there
15th best Metro: I am the innocent one here
Hayden: WHAT??
Hayden: there is no innocent one here
Hayden: an AMAZON DELIVERY???
Hayden: is what he said
Hayden: I need a stiff drink
Hayden: how the fuck did you go years of this without someone to harass with your sex secrets?
15th best Metro: You love us 🖤 💛
Hayden: get fucked
15th best Metro: No, it has been the other way around
Hayden: 🤢 🤢 🤢 🤢 🤢
Hayden: I need Jane's weird Russian safe word, please!!!!
Hayden: I'm cancelling my trip
15th best Metro: you would never
15th best Metro: you sent me a Venmo request for therapy???
Hayden: because why did Jackie come home laughing at me!!!!
Hayden: I am never contacting either of you again
15th best Metro: Truce?
15th best Metro: because David Hollander walked in here and saw
15th best Metro: panic attack is getting dressed and we go to their house now to talk
15th best Metro: i can’t tell him I am also mr. panic attack right now
15th best Metro: fuck pike
Hayden: oh my god!!
Hayden: how did it go??
Hayden: are you still there?
Hayden: no one is answering me
Hayden: remember to delete those texts btw
15th best Metro: I did
15th best Metro: it was soooo good
15th best Metro: the pasta was everything
15th best Metro: and dad had Russian vodka
Hayden: you are the worst
Hayden: anything BESIDES the food and drink??
15th best Metro: parents are good
15th best Metro: best day of my life
Hayden: wow
Hayden: very casual
Hayden: very rivals-with-benefits
15th best Metro: ehhh no we are b*yfriends now
Hayden: !!!!
Hayden: !!!!!
Hayden: we have to delete that text and that makes me sad
Hayden: screenshotting and putting it in my locked folder.
Hayden: leaving now, Jane's not answering
Hayden: do you need anything at the house?
15th best Metro: last time you didn't like it when Jane answered
Hayden: please I am trying so hard to repress the memory
15th best Metro: bring one baby please
15th best Metro: only one, not the others
Hayden: I mean from the store asshole
15th best Metro: [photo]
15th best Metro: [photo]
15th best Metro: [photo]
15th best Metro: [photo]
15th best Metro: my favorites from yesterday
Hayden: just got home
Hayden: wait these are actually very cute
15th best Metro: I really don't want to leave the cottage ☹️
Hayden: I regret adding your boyfriends text to my locked folder when I went to jerk off yesterday
15th best Metro: that was like weeks ago have you not jerked off?
15th best Metro: if you wanted nudies you could have asked
Hayden: I have a newborn baby
Hayden: no I’ve seen enough of your nudies to last me a lifetime
15th best Metro: you said you scrolled past!
Hayden: I did. It was still too much.
15th best Metro: because it was too big?
Hayden: no ew god
Hayden: asshole
15th best Metro: You can ask someone else for pictures of those
15th best Metro: he will say no ☹️
15th best Metro: let me know if he says yes
15th best Metro: and send it to me
15th best Metro: I will pay
Hayden: why haven't I blocked you yet?
15th best Metro: you love me
15th best Metro: you both love me 😊
15th best Metro: I miss the cottage
15th best Metro: I don't want to go to stupid hockey practice
15th best Metro: picture of my baby?
Hayden: [photo]
Hayden: someone said you're coming over for dinner when we play you next month!
15th best Metro: yes I have already been given a list of very boring rules
Hayden: and they’ve assured me that you’re weirdly good with kids
Hayden: no clue when they've seen you around kids but ok.
15th best Metro: we have 3 secret children
15th best Metro: 2 girls and a boy, ages 8, 6 and 1.
15th best Metro: Jackie, Lily, and baby Hayden Pike
Hayden: omg imagine
Hayden: I never want know what kind of children you would raise
15th best Metro: Hayden Pike is very bad at hockey
Hayden: well he's 1
15th best Metro: weird I thought you were older
Hayden: fucking delete this.
15th best Metro: Hayden Pike is always crying 😭
15th best Metro: is my child ok?
Hayden: yes it was just a fever
Hayden: how did you know we took her in?
Hayden: Jane was in shoots all day
Hayden: ok I’ve slept on it and I still want to bring it up
Hayden: this is like the 20th time you've known something about my home life I didn't tell you
Hayden: both you and my wife have said some weird shit about each other
Hayden: so I asked her
Hayden: she said it was nothing that you just saved her number after we switched phones
Hayden: but like
Hayden: you're not using her number right??
15th best Metro: we have been texting daily since phone accident
Hayden: ???????
15th best Metro: kidding!!
15th best Metro: only like once a week
Hayden: ?????????
Hayden: When???
Hayden: ?????
15th best Metro: ok we have decided I can tell you
15th best Metro: it's not often
15th best Metro: just before my games
15th best Metro: and whenever Jane is at your house
15th best Metro: twins birthdays
15th best Metro: whenever real housewives of New Jersey is on
15th best Metro: during your cup run and when you won
15th best Metro: and I got some pregnancy updates for Artyusha
15th best Metro: none from you thank you very much
15th best Metro: I sent him a baby Russia outfit last summer but Jackie said no before you saw it 😭
Hayden: wtf???
Hayden: that's a lot!
15th best Metro: and then also when you had the panic attack over the summer
15th best Metro: all of my games this season
15th best Metro: when her grandmother died 🙁
15th best Metro: after you told me there was my Amber in her womb
15th best Metro: she let you tell me that in person bc you have the cutest wife
Hayden: fucking never say my wife is cute
Hayden: she is!
Hayden: but you don't get to say that!!!
15th best Metro: then Christmas she wanted me to come there bc I had no where to go
15th best Metro: I said no thank you
15th best Metro: then she shared her shopping list with me to buy one thing for the baby
15th best Metro: and she was very mad I bought it all
15th best Metro: I think she might have DMs with Rose Landry about Jane
15th best Metro: delete that
15th best Metro: When i went to Russia for my fathers funeral she FaceTimed me with Artyusha
15th best Metro: and then when I came back she had food delivered to my house
15th best Metro: She visited Jane’s condo with me when Jane was in the hospital
Hayden: what????
15th best Metro: it was nice of her
15th best Metro: then during this years cup
Hayden: ok I get it!
15th best Metro: After I talked to Scott Hunter
15th best Metro: Artyusha’s birthday
15th best Metro: And then she asked if we would take you and the baby off her hands for a night 🤣
Hayden: she asked you to do that????
15th best Metro: [screenshot]
Hayden: omfg
Hayden: what?
Hayden: are you like
Hayden: ??? Fucking sexting my wife???
15th best Metro: noooooo omg no p*ke
15th best Metro: lmao
15th best Metro: no thank you
15th best Metro: she’s very pretty
15th best Metro: but I like my Jane thank you
Hayden: you didn’t though!
Hayden: before
Hayden: when it wasn’t serious
15th best Metro: it was always serious
15th best Metro: Jackie has been a good mother to Jane
15th best Metro: and now me
15th best Metro: would be incest
Hayden: mother??
Hayden: she’s younger than you!
15th best Metro: that’s what she always says too 😂
Hayden: I just read through your whole thread.
Hayden: ngl I thought the worst when I saw your name is "Not Hayden"
Hayden: but you were not kidding.
Hayden: this is very sweet
Hayden: but I noticed you don't scar her brain with your sexual filth
Hayden: which a) thank you for that
Hayden: and b) can I please sign up for that version of you??
15th best Metro: no sorry the sexual filth must come out somewhere
Hayden: how did this become my life?
Hayden: We are very excited to have you two in our home for dinner tonight.
15th best Metro: can not wait to see my goddaughter
Hayden: she is not your goddaughter
15th best Metro: fine.
15th best Metro: I cannot wait to see my daughter.
Hayden: ???
Hayden: even niece would be stretching it.
Hayden: secret partner’s teammate’s daughter would be most accurate.
15th best Metro: 👎
Hayden: I know someone gave you ground rules
Hayden: I feel I have to remind you
Hayden: 1. My kids don’t know what sex is. Please be well behaved.
15th best Metro: because their father is virgin?
Hayden: I have like 12 kids wtf
Hayden: 2. my wife is not interested
Hayden: I know she sexted for y’all once but that doesn’t mean you can make her uncomfortable tonight
15th best Metro: is ok she loves me
Hayden: I will change her number.
15th best Metro: you wouldn't dare.
15th best Metro: Hollander will not have threesome anyway he is so boring
15th best Metro: delete that.
Hayden: I will delete any text about you having a threesome with my wife.
Hayden: 3. we have a swear jar
Hayden: cursing will cost you money.
15th best Metro: I will just not talk
Hayden: if only
Hayden: 4. I can’t believe I am saying this to an adult grownup
Hayden: delete this: you’ve said things about the ugliest pike child, my favorite pike child, how amber is “yours” and the others are not
Hayden: thats not really how you talk to kids.
15th best Metro: Lord there are so many rules
15th best Metro: feel like I’m sexting with Shane Hollander
Hayden: ...
Hayden: actually not sure you have to delete that one
Hayden: that’s a very good burn
Hayden: could be on either of our phones
15th best Metro: see you tonight 😘