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Kris was staring at the computer's screen, unable to make a choice.
School had ended earlier than usual today, so Susie and them had decided to go to their house and play some video game. They couldn't use the old console since they didn't have a TV anymore, so the only games available were the ones Asriel had installed a while ago on the computer.
Susie saw the Sims and thought it seemed fun, as she had heard of it before, so now they were playing this. She had suggested they both made themselves in the game, and she already had spent a lot of time on making her sims to make it look like she wanted. And it did resemble her. She was very proud of it, and she called it "Mini-Suzy". She even swore to protect it with her life.
Kris, however, had more trouble creating themselves in the game. First, it had taken ages to find the "human" option, even though they didn't really want to take it. But if Susie had spent so much time creating Mini-Suzy so she looked like her they had to at least try to do the same.
The second issue, harder to find a solution for, was that there was only to sex options. They knew it was possible to choose their own pronouns, but still, they had to choose what the body looked like. They had to choose between a feminine or masculine appearance. They had to choose between male and female. They had to choose between boy and girl. They had to choose.
They didn't want to. They had struggled with this so much, before figuring out their gender. And when they did, they were so relieved there was another option, that fit them. But, like always in video games, this option wasn't here, and they had to take one that didn't fit. Usually, they flipped a coin and tried to not make a big deal out of it, acting as if the character was someone else.
But this time, it was different. Susie was here. And they were supposed to make themselves. A sims that looked like them. And the one the game had randomized did not look like them at all.
They glanced toward their friend; she did not seem to have noticed their discomfort yet. Maybe they could figure out what to do with this sims before she started to wonder if something wrong with them. They didn't want to bring the mood down now.
They looked back at the small character. Its sex had randomly been chosen. "Female." Of course, to twist the knife, it had to be their birth gender. They couldn't escape it, not even playing a video game. Maybe they could change to "male", at least it wouldn't be them at all, and it would feel a little less bad. But Susie would see what they chose. Maybe she would assume it was their sex. But after all, it was less bad if she believed it was the contrary of what it actually was, right ? Still, they didn't want her to think of them as another gender as they really were.
But at the same time, if they kept it like that, they could just lie and say they didn't care much about it. And Susie wouldn't ask questions. They hoped.
They decided to keep the character's sex as it already was and to only change the body. The game had a lot of customization, maybe they could still make it look like them. And when they'd actually play, since it had the right pronouns, they'd forget about it.
They started by shrinking the chest. It was the one thing they didn't want to have, nor in the game nor in real life. But even then, it was still here. Small, but they couldn't completely remove it. Was this game stupid ? Not even all women had a chest ! Why would they be forced to have one ? They didn't bind for days just for their sims to still have a chest !
They tried making the character more muscular and fat, hoping it would at least hide it, but now it didn't look like them at all.
"What are you doing ?"
"Just trying out the customization."
"Oh, okay. Makes senses. There's plenty, it fun."
They undid the last actions. Then stared at the screen. It didn't look like them now either, except from someone else's point of view. Maybe they could simply hide the body with baggy clothes, just like in real life.
They hated how close to home this game hit.
They opened the clothing panel, only to find shirts modeled for chests. They searched a while for something that would work, and that wouldn't be ugly, but they couldn't. There wasn't a lot of clothes to begin with, especially since they didn't have any DLC. After a while, they noticed the filter "feminine" was automatically selected. They removed it, and it gave them access to better clothes. They chose a baggy hoodie. Like the one they were wearing right now.
They then stared at the character. It still didn't look like them. Susie didn't say a word about it, so they moved on to the face. There wasn't an option for totally red-eyes, but they guessed it wasn't the worst part about all of this. The face was also too feminine. They tried changing the jaw, the nose, but it was still looking too girly.
They attempted for a while to make it look like them, but nothing worked. They were switching the options every few seconds, they moved the different parts of the face, but nothing changed. It wasn't them. Even though they put every single one of their features on it, it looked so weird, with its long lashes, its soft skin, its pretty lips. It was someone else. But it was supposed to look like them. This was a girl, and they weren't, they weren't, they weren't.
Maybe it did resemble them, and the view of themselves they had was fake, and really, they just were like this, and everyone telling them they looked androgynous enough lied. Their fingers clenched on the computer mouse. They bit their lip.
No. They didn't look like that. The game just didn't have the right options. Maybe they could switch the sex, maybe it'd work better.
But then Susie would know it was intentional and they couldn't lie about it. Could they tell her ? Could they trust her with this kind of information ? She was the one fucking person in Hometown who didn't know about it, and now she would because of this stupid game. The only one who never considered them as anything else than non-binary, and now she might see them differently. Maybe she'd treat them differently. They didn't want that. They liked their relation as it was right now.
But this sims was so feminine, even though it was supposed to look like them, even though they had put every effort to make it this way. They wanted to puke seeing it.
So they changed to "male", reluctantly. Hoping Susie wouldn't comment on it. It didn't look like them now either. They tried changing it too, but now it was too masculine, and they couldn't make the face less square, they couldn't give more eyelashes, they couldn't make it like them.
"Kris, are you okay ?" asked Susie.
They looked at her. What could they even say ?
"Do you have a problem with the game ?"
They hesitated for a bit, then nodded. They had no reason to lie anyway.
Susie didn't seem to get why at first, so she just stared at the screen, trying to figure out what made them uncomfortable.
"Oh, is it because of…" she didn't finish the sentence, but she pointed at the small gender icons.
Kris nodded again, more hesitantly this time. Susie would understand, right ?
"Oh."
She was fidgeting, seeming unsure what to say. Kris removed their hands from the desk and put it around their knees.
"It doesn't look like me."
"Yeah, not really," she answered. "I think the character customization sucks anyway."
"But you managed to make your sims look like you."
"You know, it's not that similar to me. It's just purple."
Kris nodded. They didn't know what they could say. Only a few minutes ago, Susie was bragging about how much her sims was pretty and looked like her. She probably was lying to make them feel better, and even though they knew it wasn't the truth, it was still working. Susie looked back at the screen.
"You know, maybe we can make Ralsei and Lancer instead, this way they'd be with us even in the light world ? What do you think of that ?"
"Mmh," Kris said as they nodded.
"Cool."
Susie deleted both of the characters they had created, including Mini-Suzy. The sims she had spent so much time and effort on. She made a new one.
"Who do we start with ?"
"Ralsei ?"
"Okay !"
Susie started making the sims, asking for Kris's opinion for some of the clothes. When he was done, they moved on Lancer, who was harder to make since he didn't look like any monster in the game, but they managed to do it in the end.
"Okay, ready to build them a super-cool house ?"
"Yup."
Susie started typing the cheat codes for money.
"Thank you."
"Huh ?"
"For not judging me, earlier."
"Oh. Of course, I would never."
Kris smiled at her. The monster slightly blushed, but maybe they were simply imagining it.
"You know, if you have a problem, you can ask me for help. I'll always be here."
"Thanks."
Kris had this weird feeling in their chest, like all the time when they were with Susie. They were pretty sure it was joy, or warmth. Either way, they loved it.