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Jason had a hard life. That was obvious to everyone he met. He had scars along his body, stab wounds, bruises, and the crowbar scars,the burns from the explosion.
He wanted to love past it ,truly, he wanted to but through the years it had become a worse and worse trigger for him.
Everytime he thought about the Joker, about Batman, and Nightwing, he couldn't help but feel rage. At first it wasn't that bad. When he was in the league of assassins, right after getting resurrected he felt absolutely nothing.
Emotionally, physically, he didn't have the ability to feel. And when he was he was just hurt. He saw the scars of jokers torture. His skin itself was a reminder, a taunt.
When he moved away from the league, he felt better. Not that he was well adjusted, his life had been a series of extremes. Extreme poverty and insecurity when he was in crime alley, when Bruce took him in, he saw extreme wealth, his life was still dangerous, but…
He'd always felt like he'd be ok. Up till he actually died he healed faith. In his ability to escape, in Batman saving him, in the idea that he'd be ok.
Then he stayed with Talia and the league of assassins, it was a rigid environment. Expectations were high, they wanted him to be the greatest fighter to exist.
When he started living on his own he didn't know how to act. He traveled a lot, he felt like he couldn't stay in one place too long. Everywhere no matter how open it was he felt the need to flee.
He had made friends, he'd met people, he'd gotten to know them. Saw people in every stage of life,he could see them, understand them. And he started to feel like they could understand him too. At least at a human level. They couldn't
Why would they, he was barely a person. He was a zombie. He'd wondered how much of himself he'd lost when he died. He started to think that the person he was before death needed to die.
He considered that he might have been the reason for his death. He knew he acted brashly, he hadn't listened to Batman. He had decided that he needed to meet his mother,save her, even if it cost his life.
He didn't know her. He wouldn't have even known that she existed, that she was his mother, his biological mother at least, if he wasn't snooping.
He wanted to stop thinking about it all. Move on, have a normal life. So why on earth did he go back to Gotham.
He had traveled, from Nanda Parbat though the middle east, through Africa,then decided he felt like he needed to go back to Gotham. He didn't want to, but he felt like he needed to see how Gotham had changed. Talia let him go, though she said he should conceal his identity.
He hadn't wanted to make himself known regardless. He just needed to know that Batman had made progress on cleaning up Gotham.
He knew he couldn't expect Gotham's issues to be solved but he hoped it was at least more positive. He hoped people had enough trust in Batman that they would feel safer in Gotham.
What he saw was devastating.
That's when he lost faith in Batman. When he saw his city, the exact same as it was when he'd left years ago. Some of the buildings were different,sure. But the gloom, the dread, the fear was visible from miles away.
The people were as hopeless as ever. The city was the same as he had left it. That crushed him.
He trusted Batman, his methods and his rules. He'd questioned them sometimes, sure, but that was to be expected. No man is perfect, no rules as rigid as the bats would work in every circumstance.
He tried to move past it. He created the outlaws and he built his friendships. He started to live with Roy. but he couldn't help but return to gotham. When Roy got full custody of Lian again , \he offered to move to Gotham. Jason took up the offer.
He didn't want Lian to be involved whatsoever . Neither did roy,and if roy was directly involved lian would also be dragged into it. He still wanted to see Roy and Lian, but he did not want Arsenal to be involved with redhood- not anymore.Redhood was the new crimelord looking after the alley.Arsenal had taken an indefinite break from vigilantism.
One impulsive decision, to fight Tim, prove he was the better Robin, led to staging his death. It caused him to be physically hunted down by the justice league. He went into hiding in a sense, tims phone was left in his place so it wasn't secure anymore. From the second they found out Roy offered to live with him and Lian. He declined.
They hadn't showed up there, even a week after the incident,but he was worried. Roy asked him if he wanted to move in with him and Lian and he took up the offer, he just wanted to feel safe.
Logically he knew if they hadn't gone to his apartment a week after he was safe there but he didn't want to stay. Roy offered to let him stay with him and Lian for awhile.He agreed to it.
He didn't permanently move in till about a week later. When he moved in he wanted to take some time to make sure no one would find out he was living together. Create a new identity, find somewhere to put his things he wouldn't be using, or anything too dangerous to have around lian.
He stored his weapons throughout his safehouses but he took the rest of his things and placed them in storage rooms in several cities outside Gotham. Hell he'd gone all the way out to star city for some of it.
Obviously he kept some of his favorite books,and just a few shelves. That and some of his plans,and his cloughs were the only thing he kept in Roy's apartment. It was fine
He enjoyed living with them. He liked taking care of Lian while Roy was at his day job. He loved spending the afternoons with them. They felt like a family
Roy had lots of visitors after Tim's “death” and the heroes were worried. Hell he and Roy would be worried if he thought that was real. He didn't mind hiding when they were over.
The issue was that everyone that visited seemed way too interested in their relationship, starting with Dick Grayson…
___________________________________
The day after they faked Timmy's death, Dick came by and Jason had just agreed to stay with them for the night and was getting changed in Roy's bedroom.
The fire had been felt very quickly but drakemanor was burnt to a crisp. Nothing was identifiable so they didn't have to worry about the bats finding out that he wasn't actually there, it was all ashes and most of it had blown away. Nothing would be identifiable.
The clouds had returned to Gotham, it was a shame, they'd had clearer than normal skies for the last few days. Jason and Roy had spent the last day making sure they couldn't be traced. Jason hoped bats were going to look for Redhood soon, after all he'd killed one of them. He was trying to stay out of areas where anyone, even his own men could see him. The only place they would not be looking for him was in their own homes and the homes of their allies, like Arsenal. Or at least that's what Roy had told him, he'd simply chosen to believe him.
Obviously he didn't know Dick was going to be there, but he was and it seemed better to stay than to leave. He sat against the wall and wanted to listen in as soon as he heard Dicks faint voice.He couldn't so he texted Roy.
What's he doing here
Apparently he's checking on me
Does he have to be here right now
I can't control him.
I feel bad, he looks sick
Like he's barely realizing
that there's people around him
Alright, can you at least call me,
I wanna hear what he's saying
Jason knew he was being paranoid. Roy could lie. He still felt guilty, he knew he didn't actually kill Tim, but Dicks presence felt like a physical embodiment of his regrets facing him directly
Jason put in his earbuds. He was just hearing shuffling and movement. He could hear Lian running around and blabbing about something he couldn't quite make out.
Roy asked “ so… tell me why your here again”
Dick replied sounding like he was on the verge of tears “I told you I'd visit you guys”
“Yea, I guess you did, but we're not going to the water park today”
“ Why not?”
“ No reason in periocular, I'm just tired”
“ I could take her, and you get rest”
“ No, it's fine, she doesn't seem to mind”
That's when he heard a knock on the door. He stood as still as possible, every hair on his body stood straight.
Thankfully Roy called her back “I think he's asleep baby, we should stay out of the bedroom for a bit”
“ But my book is in there” Lian explained
“ look in your room, I think it's in there” Again there was the pitter-patter of little feet
“Who's in there” Dick asked
“ Oh uh, my boyfriend,”
“Since when did you have a boyfriend?” He seemed genuinely alarmed
“A while, sorry I didn't tell you” he sounded so nonchalant Jason could have believed they were in a normal partnership.
Lian ran back up to roy “it's not in there”
“Alright, I'll get the book” he heard Roy walking towards the door. He hid behind the door just in case Dick was peeping, from what he remembered Dick was noisy . Roy closed the door after him and whispered to him “are you still here?”looking around ahead of him. He hugged Roy from the side, and said “of course” he wasn't obviously he wasn't but that wasn't what they should focus on at the moment.
Roy sighed deeply, “ where is Lian's new book?” he asked. Jason held his waist and guided him towards the bedside table. “ Thanks, I know this is hard on you” Roy whispered as he held his face.“I'll try to get him out”
With that Roy left.he gave a sympathetic smile. Jason didn't know what to make of himself at the moment.
It was about 4pm, they were planning to have a peaceful night, they definitely doubted that was actually going to happen, Lian was super excited to have him over. To try and get her to wind down before bed they were going to have put on a long documentary, one about Disney princesses so she'd actually try to pay attention. After Lian fell asleep, Jason thought would sneak out for his crimelord business and come back before she woke up so he could look after her while Roy went to his work.None of the plans he and Roy discussed that day involved Dick Grayson.
Lian's voice broke through his thoughts “ why'd he go asleep already? It's still day, does he not know to supposed to sleep at night?” he couldn't quite tell if she was actually asking or just trying to make Roy laugh
“He was up late sweetie, you know this, let him rest” Roy responded, taking it seriously
“I know, but I was too, and I'm still awake, and so we're you and you're still awake,” she pressed, now it was clear she was just questioning him to be silly. Unfortunately she didn't know that they were supposed to keep secrets from Dick, including his and Roy's relationship.
“I know, but everyone is different, he just needs more sleep than us, besides you have Uncle Dick to play with today” he continued treating it seriously though he did chuckle a little during his response.
She grumbled “is he going to stay tomorrow too?”
“Yea, he's staying for a while”
“ Really!” She perked up “ is he going to stay with us forever?”
“No, just a few weeks”
“ Why doesn't he want to stay with us forever?” She sounded genuinely hurt. It almost made him feel bad.
“ It's not that he doesn't want to its that he lives on his own”
“Why does he live on his own when he can live with us?” Jason imagined that she'd cocked her hip and crossed her arms by now, really playing it up.
“Well uh, I haven't asked him to live with us, so he probably feels like we don't want him to”
She gasped dramatically and yelled at Roy “that's so mean, tell him to stay with us, for ever, tell him right now”
“I- uh - he's still asleep honeybun, I'll tell him when he wakes up”
“Good, what about you Uncle dick, are you feeling sick?” Jason was glad she moved on rather than demanding they wake him up, dick would have probably encouraged her and well… he wasn't ready for the bats to see him yet.
Dick chuckled “no, I'm just- tired”
“Are you going to go to sleep too,?”
“Not right now “
Jason decided at that moment that he actually did want to go to sleep. He really didn't want to have the stress of hearing Dick’s voice. Roy seemed to have the situation under control.He'd trusted Roy with his life and his secrets. He would be happy to let Roy handle it.
_______________________________________
Roy was expecting Dick to just play with Lian but several times though the afternoon he'd asked about Roy's “boyfriend”.
He really didn't know how his relationship with Jason would be labeled . They were close, they liked each other, they had started hooking up when they were still in the outlaws. They were ‘friends with benefits’ but Jason and he shared a bank account. Jason took care of Lian so much, he was practically another parent. He liked being around him, every second they spent together, just them felt peaceful, comforting .He wasn't sure if they were actually dating, that Jason saw them as an actual relationship. There was a real probability that he saw them as fuckbuddies still.
So telling Dick he was his boyfriend did create a crisis for him. He saw Jason hung up the call but he might have still been able to hear them.
Lian fell asleep at about 5pm, much earlier than normal but it still felt way too late under the circumstances.She had her whole sleep schedule thrown up the night they spent with Tim. Then the day after, Roy went to school like normal and she spent the day with Jason in Roy's apartment. She fell asleep mid day and when Roy got back Jason left to get his basics from his apartment. She didn't sleep though the night and woke Roy up really early.She clearly missed Jason and that whole day when Jason babysat again she spent the whole day begging for him to stay.
He was ready to go to sleep right when she did. The last few days had been exhausting.He supposed that Dick would leave soon after she fell asleep. But he didn't, so he decided to pry instead.
As they were picking up after Lian, Dick asked “so when were you going to introduce me to your boyfriend”
“Well, I wasn't” he thought genuinely
“Why not?!”dick seemed offended
“I mean, I'm not trying to keep this a secret really but like I wasn't planning on making an announcement either” he said coyly
“ So can I meet him or not?” Dick asked
“I mean if he wants to meet you, sure” he spaced out his words
“ Why wouldn't he want to?”
“ He's not the most social person” he said quietly
“That's fine, but I want to see what kind of people your with”
“ So this is you being creepy and obsessed”
“It's not creepy, I'm worried about you,your my friend,I want to make sure this guy treats you well”
“He does,” he smiled and tried to assure him .
There were a few minutes of silence while they organized Lian’s toys. Then, out of the blue, dick decides to ask “ soo..how big is his dick”
“What!” The question nearly gave him a heart attack.
“Your boyfriend, is he good in bed”
“why would you ask,Why do you expect me to tell you,” under ordinary circumstances he might have told him, Dick used to be his best friend . But the guy happened to be his brother who was also supposed to be dead .
“ I didn't know how to continue the conversation” he shrugged
“ That's not a good question to ask anyone in any circumstance” he announced like it was a revelation.
“ Alright, alright” there was another few seconds of silence “but can you tell me if your serious about him”
“ Well, I like being with him, I don't know if we're getting married or anything though” it was more because Jason was legally dead so they couldn't, if that wasn't the case he would have proposed ages ago, even though he felt the chance of him saying yeas were slim.
“Thats nice, I'm really happy for you” Dick's smile was genuine
…
“Seriously, you good?”
“Tim died, yesterday morning,”
“Oh…why are you here? You should be mourning your brother” he was pretty supportive of Tim's mission to leave but he didn't like hearing he was dead, or seeing Dick missing him
“I know, I know,” Dick went quiet, he got up and got his keys
Roy knew he should feel sorry but Tim wasn't actually dead, so he was just relieved he wouldn't have to keep up the charade . Still, he hugged dick as he was leaving. Feeling the tears fall down his best friend's cheek put a pit in his stomach.
When dick was out of sight he closed the door and sighed loudly. This was more pressure than he expected. To be fair he hadn't helped anyone fake their death before.
He felt pity. He didn't know why Tim wanted to leave, it was probably a good reason but he had a hard time justifying the sickly sorrow on Dick's face.
He went to his bedroom and saw Jason curled into a ball in bed.He lay next to him. This was going to take more effort than he thought.
He supposed it would be like hiding the connection between himself and Jason. They just had to be careful about being seen together, and leave no paper trial.it was easy enough. They weren't the type of people who went out on dates, both of them were inclined to stay indoors, truthfully the only times Roy went out willing was to take Lian out to play. The other thing, the fact that Roy and Jason shared their bank account, obviously, Jason took time to make sure it was untraceable to his crimes, so it wasn't really cause for concern.
They didn't really have to directly lie to people . Sure Jay was questioned once or twice about why he was obsessed with certain heroes, including Arsenal , but that was not a lie that would hurt anyone.
This time it was lying directly in someone, his best friend's face, about his dead brother no less. He had to see his best friend's tears, and keep lying, keep reaffirming the lie. The stakes were technically lower, for Roy at least, but somehow it was harder.