Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“—and that was how the students of Hope’s Peak Academy had fallen into despair.”

An unknown person with a mask on their face in front of me was giving me a presentation. Apparently, I was the only survivor of the mass Reserve Course self-elimination program that the Ultimate Despair had set up for the school. I, too, had felt despair. It runs through me. But somehow, I still survived, and that brought me even more despair.

“…So? What do you want me to do about it?”

“What I want you to do is find one of the missing Remnants. Do you know of a guy named Nagito Komaeda, the Ultimate Lucky Student?”

“…Yeah, I toooootally wouldn’t know about the very same guy who broke my classroom’s window in the middle of my math quiz with a baseball once…”

“Enough with your sarcasm. Be serious.”

“Okay, fine, geez. Yes, I know of him. A general idea, at least. What do you want with that info?”

“Nothing. I just want you to find him, and get to know him. Then, once he lets his guard down, you have to take his life.”

“…You want me to manipulate him, and then kill him? You do realize that you’re making me stoop down to the same level as my mother, right?”

“I know. But I don’t care about that right now. Morally correct or not, it has to be done. He’s too strong for any of us to take out bare-handed. This is the only way. And you, being a Reserve Course student, can easily fool him.”

“I doubt it’ll be that easy, coming from someone like you…”

“It won’t. You got me there.”

The unknown person simply smiled calmly.

“Now, go. I’ll await your results.”

“…”

I had no choice. I didn’t want to find him, and I didn’t want to even see him. I didn’t want to be on the same level as my mother. The thought of it disgusted me. But I knew that I had no choice if I wanted to stay alive.

After all…

They’d installed a bomb on the collar around my neck, before blindfolding me and taking me outside. I never got to see where the base was. I was in a slight panic, but I took a deep breath, and went on with my mission.

Chapter Text

I felt in my blazer’s pockets for a weapon to use. Luckily, they’d provided me with a solar-powered laser gun.

“Whoa, cool tech…”

I was impressed. Despite the weird nature of the situation, I guess they decided to use more sustainable energy. I also had a dagger in my pocket, which was my default weapon. I never went out without it. I took a deep breath, and went off to look for my assigned target.

The world around me was nothing short of destroyed. Buildings were crumbling, rubble was blocking my path, the sky was red, and the air was covered in a thick smog. I had to tear off a part of my shirt to use as a face mask, though it didn’t help much.

I started to feel a little hopeless as the day went by. Would I ever be able to find my target? I wanted the bomb around my neck to go off already. It was so uncomfortable to wear. I fidgeted with it a bit. Guess I’d have to get used to it… I was a little hungry, but I pushed that feeling aside, and slept in the reception of an old apartment.

I woke up early the next day and began the next part of my search. It was the same thing everyday, but I was gradually growing weaker. I didn’t know how much longer I could last. My eyes had begun to see stars, and my body felt light, as if I were drunk. The world had begun to spin more and more by the day, until one night, I couldn’t wake up in the morning.

But I didn’t die. I ended up awake in a place with an unfamiliar ceiling. I had a warm bed, and there was something in my arm— wait, was this an IV drip!? Or maybe it’s a drip for supplements… maybe I was hospitalized? I didn’t know. The world wasn’t making any sense. Then, that same unknown person from before walked in.

“We didn’t see you moving from that spot in the morning. Thought you might’ve overslept. But here you are… seriously, give us a call when you feel you’re low on resources. I gave you a phone for a reason.

“Huh?”

They reached into my blazer pocket and pulled out a small cellphone.

“You didn’t look in your pockets properly or what?”

“…”

I didn’t remember there being a phone before. I was sure that I’d checked every pocket back then. But all I could do was hang my head in shame and mutter a simple “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. You’re alive, at least… I do worry for you.”

They spoke in a parental manner. I couldn’t help but shudder a little.

“I was planning on giving the assigned person a much better ranking if they finished this task, but it also requires them to be at a high level of skill. If you’re unable to do it, that’s still okay. I can choose someone else.”

“No, I’ll do it.”

I spoke immediately. I wanted to be at a higher rank. I wanted to be praised. I didn’t know why this person was able to make me feel like that. But they seemed pleased enough, so I was relieved.

“I look forward to your results.”

“…”

I said nothing more, and they left the hospital ward.

Chapter Text

All this in the name of praise. I sighed. I was discharged from this hospital some days later, and I felt much better. I checked my pockets for everything, including the cellphone, and like before, they had me blindfold my eyes, before taking me outside the place, and uncovering my eyes.

I looked around the area again, calling those strange people whenever I was hungry. The phone was solar-powered as well, so I didn’t have to worry about getting new batteries. Seems like they knew how to use sustainable tech… I kept searching for my target.

All of a sudden, something was behind me. I turned around, and there was a hooded figure! Panicking, I took out the first weapon I could reach (my dagger), and tried to fight, but they were too fast. They disappeared somewhere, and while I was looking for them, I accidentally let my guard down. I got hit on the head. Hard.

“AAAAAGH—!”

I passed out.

…

“Mama?”

I called out into the void. My mother was in front of me.

“Mama… I’m scared…”

“Being scared is for those who are weak. You’re a strong girl, aren’t you?”

Girl? I’m… a girl…? No, I’m a guy… Mama, you have a son…

“I want this bomb to kill me already, Mama… I feel so helpless, so weak…”

“How disappointing. I didn’t raise you to be like that. You’re not my child.”

“No, Mama! Don’t leave!!”

She walked into the empty void behind her, while I tried to chase after her.

“MAMA! NO, PLEASE! I PROMISE I’LL BE STRONGER! MAMAAAAA!!!”

But my cries were in vain. She was gone.

…

“…up. Wake up. Are you in a coma? But there’s no hospitals nearby… Haha, this must be an act of despair!!”

What…? Which crazy person was talking right now…? I could barely understand their nonsense. I opened my eyes, groaning, and tried to get up, despite my weak body.

“…!?”

It was my target. The man named Nagito Komaeda was right there, with that irritating yet creepy smile on his face.

“You’re awake! This must be an act of hope! As I thought, hope always prevails!!”

“…Shut up. I don’t have time for your drivel.”

All he did was laugh. I took in his appearance. A dark green jacket with some red squares on the right shoulder, with a white shirt that had a red symbol on it, and dark green pants, and those white sneakers that didn’t match at all with the rest of the outfit… I also noticed that there were a few rips and tears in his clothes and some dirt stains on both those and his body. What had he gone through? I didn’t know. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to know. Then, I moved my gaze to his face. His grayish green eyes looked so devoid of life, so hopeless. His smile looked automatic rather than genuine. It felt like it was done out of habit or courtesy rather than him being genuinely happy to have me around. His white hair was so messy and tangled that it made me wonder if he took care of himself at all. The strands shone in the light, making it seem oily, which it probably was.

Cautious of his presence, I backed away a bit.

“…You.”

“Yes, me. You seem like you recognize me. Have we met before? If so, I’m sorry, but I don’t remember you at all.”

His smile remained even with that half-assed apology, that felt like it was done out of pure courtesy.

“I don’t need unnecessary apologies if you can’t even make them genuine.”

“Is that so? I thought you were desperate enough to take everything you could get. After all, this is a world infected by Enoshima’s despair… unless, you’re an exception?”

“What nonsense are you spitting out?”

“I know all about your life. In fact, I was warned that there was an assassin after me. An informant told me about your life. I couldn’t help but think that perhaps… I could empathize with even an assassin. For that, too, is an act of hope, no?”

“Where did they get that info?”

“Oh, they have their ways. But all I’ll say is… it seems like neither of our mothers knew how to raise us, did they?”

“!?”

That struck a nerve. How did he know about my mother? It didn’t make sense! I didn’t even know him personally!!

“Did that hit the bullseye? I truly am lucky! Was my guess correct? Did I somehow dig so deep without expecting it? So, that means that the assassin sent to kill me was you?”

He kept pressing me for answers, while knowing that he was right. It irritated me to no end. I chose to be honest enough for him to finally silence himself.

“Yes, so? Why make the effort to get to know me when you know that I’m about to kill you? You’re the strangest guy I’ve ever met.”

“Haha, well, the thing is… I can’t die.”

“What?”

“If it’s not old age, I can’t die. If it’s not by my own hands, I can’t die.”

“What do you mean? You’re immortal?? That’s bullshit.”

“No, I’m as mortal as you are. But the difference between you and me is that… I’m an Ultimate student from the academy. You’re a student from there, too, but you’re from the Reserve Course. I can tell by your uniform, and your constant expression of disdain.”

“I know already that you’re an Ultimate! Do you have to rub it in my face!?”

He only laughed at my irritation.

“That’s an expected reaction from a Reserve Course student right there! I’d be surprised if you were unfazed by it. Though, if you were looked down upon by Ultimates a lot before, it wouldn’t have fazed you now. Seems like keeping both sectors separated really has its perks on your end, no?”

I said nothing in response. I didn’t want to lash out, lest it made him gain more material to make fun of me with.

“So, tell me. How does it feel to be in a position lower than the lowest Ultimate? How does it feel to be utterly worthless, to the point where even your own mother doesn’t praise you?”

“Why should I answer?”

“You don’t need to. I know that people like you are obsessed with keeping up whatever pride and dignity you have left. But in this world filled with despair, you can just let it all go. You don’t need to be afraid of anyone judging you. The only person who will be looking at your pathetic self in disdain would be yourself.”

“…”

I couldn’t understand him at all. He had no filter, no sense of etiquette or courtesy. I wondered what he’d have been like, had it not been for the despair that had overtaken him.

“Anyway, make yourself at home. Unfortunately, the showers in this place are broken, so neither you nor I will be able to clean ourselves for who knows how long. It’s a bit irritating, but you’ll get used to it over time.”

It was right then that I looked around the place we were at. It seemed to be an old, run-down house, but it was still in livable condition. The place had the basic rooms; a master bedroom, a kitchen, a living room, a dining room, and two bathrooms. One was inside the master bedroom, and the other near the kitchen. There was a section outside that seemed like it was supposed to be used for laundry, but the washing machines were all busted, and so was the garden hose.

“…How long will I have to stay here?”

“Depends on how long it takes for you to find your true ‘hope’.”

“My true what??”

“You heard me. Your true hope. Assassination isn’t a task of hope, it’s a task made from despair, rooted in despair. While it may bring relief to me, and while it may bring you praise and pay, it won’t bring hope into the world. You’d only be giving into the despair of killing other humans. Do you want that, when you’re potent enough to give rise to the absolute shiniest light of hope?”

“Start speaking in something that isn’t nonsensical bullshit. I genuinely don’t get what you’re saying.”

He stood up. Then…

“Is that so? I suppose hope is a difficult concept to explain. But think of it like this: you’re an assassin, someone whose task was assigned due to someone’s disdain for me. Disdain is an emotion rooted in despair. While I may be fine with you killing me in the name of hope, can the same be said about anyone else? Everyone else sees killing as ‘wrong’, even if it’s for the betterment of the world. So, would it really bring hope into the world, or an extra amount of despair? I see a lot of despair written on you, and I know that from that despair, the finest hope can rise. You’d make a worthy candidate. So, do you get it now?”

“Shut up for a bit… I can’t understand anything you’re saying, it’s too much to take in!!”

“Haha, I understand. Everyone is overwhelmed by this topic when they first encounter it. Take your time. Tell me your thoughts after, no matter how long it takes.”

He was casual about it. But then I remembered, only the master bedroom exists. Where was I supposed to sleep?? I wanted to be near him to keep an eye on him, but I also didn’t want to be close to someone I distrust.

“Something bothering you?”

“Where am I supposed to sleep?? There’s only one bedroom.”

“I could take the living room! A potential hope candidate should have access to the absolute best, don’t you think?”

“Seriously, speak in words that I can understand!! I can’t be away from you when you’re a target that I distrust so much!”

“Fair enough… in the master bedroom, there’s a sofa. You could take the bed, and I could take the sofa.”

“No, I’ll take the sofa.”

“…Very well, then.”

He accepted. And that was how I settled in for the night with this man that I distrusted so much to the point where I wanted an opening to kill him as soon as I could.

Chapter Text

I couldn’t help but observe him as he slept. At first, it was just me watching him sleep from the sofa (that was placed under the window). Then, I followed my urge to get up and kneel on the floor next to the bed, to observe him from a closer angle. He looked like he was at peace, but tired at the same time. His face held no smile in his sleep. His breathing and heart rate were slow. I occasionally tilted my head to observe him from other angles. I somehow felt a bit curious about him. Not that I’d ever admit that to him directly, which assigned assassin does that to their assigned targets? That wouldn’t make any sense.

But one thing I was really curious about was his ‘informant’. Where did they get the info on both me AND my home life? Who were they? And who was that unknown person who had assigned me? Why did they put a bomb around my neck? I had so many questions, yet no answers.

I observed the sleeping Nagito for a while longer, before I went back to the sofa. There, I buried myself under the old blanket that he’d managed to dig out for me. My head was on one of the cushions, as I lay awake. The moonlight shone through the curtain-free window, casting a soft glow upon the rundown floor, which snapped me out of my curiosity. I saw a shadow amidst the light for a moment, but when I blinked, it was gone. I looked behind me, at the window. Nobody was there. I was beginning to feel a bit afraid, but I took a deep breath.

“It’s okay… you’ll be okay.”

I whispered to myself. I had to get this job done, no matter what I encounter. I stared at the sleeping Nagito some more, and slowly pulled out my dagger. I slowly got off the sofa, walked to the bed, and held up my weapon, aiming for his chest. Taking a deep breath, I made my move. But the dagger missed.

“!?”

That’s weird… I clearly aimed for his heart! I tried again. And again. And again. Every time, the dagger would either end up on the mattress, or it would stab the blanket. At one point, I even dropped it.

“!!!!”

I quickly bent to pick it up, but he was already stirring in his sleep. Seems like my opportunity was wasted… either I was clumsy, or there’s something that’s not right with him. That’s when he woke up.

“Hm…? Oh, it’s you! Couldn’t sleep?”

“What? No!”

“Ohhh, I know! You were trying to kill me while I was asleep!”

I couldn’t disagree.

“But you know, my death would only bring you the despair of regret. I can predict that much from your expression and your behavior. My luck is a 50-50 game. If something bad happens, something good will happen after. Your dagger missing me is a good luck sign. But the rage you gain from those failed stabs is the bad luck, since it makes you stronger. If you want to kill me, be sure that you do it in such a way that it would bring you hope, that it wouldn’t make you so hesitant, because right now? You’re only doing it to gain praise from someone else. You don’t want to do it from the bottom of your heart.”

I couldn’t answer him. All he did was smile at me creepily. Then, we both went back to sleep. Though, I stayed awake for longer, thinking about everything that had happened.

Chapter Text

The morning felt like my arch enemy. I didn’t want to wake up. I hadn’t slept the whole night, thinking about Nagito’s ‘luck’, and also of my own fears. Would my mother stop calling me her child if I couldn’t prove myself to someone more powerful than either of us? I didn’t even know where she was, yet, I couldn’t feel free. The bomb around my neck felt uncomfortable. I fidgeted with it.

“Tch… why did they do this…”

That’s when I heard the ruffling of Nagito’s blanket. He was waking up.

“Hnnngh… good morning!”

He stretched and greeted me, though that was something that I felt he was doing out of pure habit and courtesy. I reluctantly got up.

“…Morning.”

“So, breakfast?”

“Right… I need to call them u—”

“There’s no need to.”

“What?”

“I still have supplies in the pantry in the kitchen. We can use those. You don’t need to call up that top-secret organization that put that thing around your neck! I’m guessing it’s a tracking device.”

“…It’s a bomb.”

“Did they tell you?”

“No, it’s an inference I drew. An organization so top-secret would do anything to ensure that their employees don’t disobey. A tracking device isn’t enough for that.”

“I see… so it’s an educated guess. You seem to know a lot about this type of thing. Care to share your source of info?”

“Novels. TV shows. Anime. Fanfiction. I don’t have any real-life experience.”

“Still, this much knowledge is impressive. You sound like an experienced agent in this field.”

“Don’t try to flatter me. I’m still willing to kill you at the first chance I get.”

“And I won’t go out until I know that it’ll bring you and the world hope.”

So, the deal was set. This was a case of assassination like no other. I could only dream of this task being easy for me.

I went to the dining room after fixing my hair, and saw a pair of simple plates of buttered toast and a couple of fried eggs on the table. I sat down, and took a quick whiff of the scent of the food, just to make sure that it wasn’t poisoned. I distrusted him THAT much. When my suspicions were confirmed false, I took a few bites. I didn’t even realize how hungry I was until I saw that the whole plate was gone in seconds.

“Ah…”

Just then, he walked in.

“You finished it that fast? Was it that good, or were you just hungry?”

“…Both.”

“I see! Then, it’s an honor to have served a potential hope candidate!”

He seemed pleased enough, despite me not understanding what his whole deal with me as a ‘hope candidate’ even was. I decided to call up the organization in secret at night, just in case.

When he went to bed, I pulled out my cellphone, and searched for the contact. But right when I was about to press ‘call’, he woke up.

“Were you about to call up the organization? We can’t have that, can we?”

“I was not—!”

But he took the cellphone from my hands.

“HEY! Give that BACK!!”

He held it up out of reach. Unfortunately, I was shorter than him by 16 cm. He laughed at my irritation.

“This will be in my custody now. You don’t need to call them up, and if they can track cellphones, they won’t be able to do so if this phone isn’t with you. Wouldn’t that be the best taste of freedom?”

I could do nothing but give in. I sighed, and stopped reaching for the phone.

“Tch… no wonder they didn’t assign anyone else to kill you, you’re so annoying…”

He simply smiled at my insult and watched me as I got into the sofa-bed that he’d set up for me. Seriously, what was his deal? As I asked myself that, I heard the sounds of the sheets on the bed ruffling a bit. He was getting into bed, preparing to shut down for the night. I couldn’t help but let out a breath that I didn’t know I’d been holding. He’s seriously the worst… and yet, at one point, I found myself turning to look at his sleeping form. He looked so very peaceful, and yet, I saw signs of fatigue on his face. I wondered about what he’d been through. He did mention before that ‘neither of our mothers knew how to raise us’. Did he have similar issues to me, regarding his parents? Did he, too, have a desperation to be loved, to be praised? Is that why he seems like the type to let people walk all over him? But if that’s the case, why is his demeanor so unsettling to the point where it just seems like he’s deliberately pushing everyone away? Maybe he wants someone to be desperate enough to chase after him, the same way he’s been chasing after everyone else… I couldn’t help but empathize a little.

I unknowingly hugged myself lightly under the blanket, as if I were beginning to feel lonely myself. If all my guesses about him are correct, then that means… I’m not so different from him after all. I shouldn’t have any reason to be so irritated by him, and yet, I am. Maybe it’s because he’s my assigned target, or maybe it’s because of his luck that makes me miss opportunities to gain praise from that unknown person. I didn’t know. I didn’t understand. Neither did I understand myself, nor did I understand him. But I understood those problems he faced, and that alone was enough to make me have an internal battle with myself about what I should do with him.

I found my hand subconsciously reaching out from beneath the blanket, towards the bed where he slept, as if it were trying to remove the distance between the two points. My logic and empathy were warring with each other. While the former said, “Don’t do it”, the latter said, “It’s a good decision.” I closed my eyes tightly, getting frustrated at this whole fiasco. But then, I felt some fingertips brush against my palm. I opened my eyes suddenly, and there he was, reaching back to me with his right hand. Before I could pull my hand away, he’d already begun to massage and try to soothe the tense muscles in my palm. It oddly felt nice. I allowed him to do that for a while. But the second he intertwined our fingers, I wasn’t about to have it. I pulled my hand away immediately, to which he stared at me with a slightly bemused smile.

“…You do realize that you’re not being subtle about wanting to connect with me, right? I’ve never seen that face on anyone else before. Except maybe one guy. But that’s not the point.”

“Don’t just do that without my consent, geez!”

“It’s nothing too bad, is it? I mean, it’s not the 1500s anymore. Handholding isn’t really an inappropriate action if done in general without meaning. But if that’s the case, do you see it as more than just an action? Are you the type who sees handholding as a form of intimacy?”

“What!? I do not!!”

“Sure you don’t. Seems like you seriously need to think about what you think of me. From your reactions, I’d say that you’re having a crisis trying to figure that out. Was that a lucky guess for the bullseye, or is there a mistake in my guess?”

I couldn’t even answer. He seemed to see right through me, through every wall I put up. It was infuriating, and yet, it felt oddly good to be seen as ‘myself’ for once, instead of just ‘what I show’. It was conflicting. I both loathed it and wanted more of it.

“…Your face is a bit red. Are you embarrassed?”

“What!? Am not!!”

“Sure, whatever you say.”

He smiled at me again, and went back to sleep, retracting his hand. But I kept staring at his sleeping form. I kept thinking… that smile just now, it felt ‘true’. It didn’t feel like it was out of habit or courtesy. Wait, why was I bothering about this!? This is so weird!! I put away those strange thoughts in frustration and turned my back to his sleeping form, and went to sleep myself.

Chapter Text

“…Mama?”

I woke up in my bed at home. My mother was next to me, her back turned.

“Mama… I feel sick…”

“What happened this time? Oh, you haven’t been sleeping on time again. It’s your own fault.”

“But my assignments always keep me awake! You know I ca—”

“Listen, I can’t keep spending thousands on your medication whenever you’re sick. Think about me, too. I work for hours everyday to earn enough money to support both you and your sister. Be useful enough to help me save money. It doesn’t fall from the sky or grow on trees.”

I said nothing more as she irritably gave me my medication and grumbled on about my expenses. It was always my fault, wasn’t it? After all, I’m a failure to the core…

I woke up in a cold sweat on that sofa, sighing with relief as I realized that I wasn’t living with my mother anymore. But somehow, I still felt scared. The bomb around my neck could be detonated at any moment. As much as I wanted to die, I didn’t want to die. Since I was a child, I had a phobia of death. That was one of the reasons why my attempts at it had been unsuccessful in the past. I sighed as I remembered those times.

“I’m seriously an idiot…”

I looked towards the bed, where my assigned target, Nagito, was still sleeping. He looked so peaceful. I wish I could say the same for myself. Part of me was envious of that peace, but another part of me knew that there could be struggles he had going on which I wouldn’t know about, since neither am I him, nor do I truly know him. It hadn’t been long since I’d come here, after all… yet, I wished that I could’ve come here before I became the way that I am now; this cowardly man who constantly has nightmares of past memories with his mother. I often had dreams of her yelling at me, berating me, and every time, I’d wake up in a cold sweat, with unshed tears in my eyes. Sometimes, if I was too tired to wake up, I’d often sleep in, and wake up with a wet pillow. I hated the way I was now.

Pushing all my previous self-deprecating thoughts aside, I lay back down and stared at the ceiling. I couldn’t help but think about how life would be like if I were just… better. Better at schoolwork, better at university work, better at remembering things, better at even my hobbies… I thought about what it would’ve been like to have talent, just like all the Ultimates, instead of being a talentless Reserve Course student. Would mama have been proud of me then? Would she have praised me? Would she have accepted my identity as her son rather than as her daughter? I lost track of time the same way I lost myself in those thoughts, all those ‘what-ifs’. Until…

“How long have you been awake for? Breakfast is ready.”

“Huh? Oh, sorry.”

I got up. How long had I been thinking for? He tilted his head at my response, but chose not to pry.

We went to the dining room, where he’d set out plates of fried beef and bread. Wait, beef? Where did he get this from??

“Oh, the beef? I got lucky when gathering rations this morning. Found some cans of it at the old supermarket, can you believe it?”

He smiled brightly. Again, it seemed out of habit. It wasn’t ‘true’ like the one I’d seen last night.

“…I see.”

I took some bites from the bread the beef. It wasn’t half bad, I was just more used to my mother’s fresh, homemade cooking than I was with canned food.

“So, what do you think of this new edition to the menu?”

“…Not bad, really. I’m just more used to mama’s homemade beef than to canned beef, y’know?”

“Did your mother make good food?”

“She did, whenever she cooked. She works as a doctor, see… so whenever she comes home, she’s always tired. On weekends, she’d either take me and my sister out somewhere for lunch and a fun trip, or she’d have us stay home, and then she’d cook for us. I always liked her cooking.”

“Do you miss it?”

“…A little.”

“Do you miss her?”

“Absolutely not.”

I snapped without hesitation. He blinked in surprise.

“You guessed before, right? That ‘neither of our mothers knew how to raise us’. You were right. I hate mine. No matter how good her cooking is, no matter how much I enjoyed those trips outside, I still hate her for the person she’s made me into.”

Before I could stop it, everything came pouring out of me.

“I still seek praise from people because I never got any from her. Even now, I try to get whatever I can, no matter who it’s from. This assassination I was assigned to do… this too. All this, in the name of being praised. It makes me feel ashamed of how pathetic I am.”

He listened to me quietly.

“What’s even the point if I don’t get praised? What’s the point if I’ll never be good enough to the point where I can praise myself?”

Before he could say anything, I snapped out of it.

“Forget everything I just said. You heard nothing.”

I hurriedly finished my breakfast and dashed out from the dining room, leaving a rather dumbfounded Nagito behind.

I retreated to the living room, where I explored the old bookshelf. Luckily, I found a few copies of Shakespeare plays in there. I picked up the book and sat on the sofa, and began to read through them. The whole time, I imagined it all as if it were a proper onstage performance. There was a modern translation of the text next to the original text, so it was easier for me to draw inferences of the expressions being used. As I immersed myself in the play collection, I didn’t notice him watching me from the doorway of the living room. But when I did notice his presence, I chose to silently observe what he’d do in secret. All he did was watch me, seemingly curious. I pondered about why I even said all that in front of him. What made me blurt everything out like that when I was so distrustful of him? I could simply blame it on his luck, but there had to be something else. Something on my end, something that I couldn’t figure out as yet.

“…What a pain.”

I closed the play collection book and placed it back on the shelf.

“I know you probably think of me as pathetic. Not only am I talentless, but I’m also so desperate for praise to the point I’d kill for it. You don’t have to tell me that.”

I told him, my back still turned to the doorway.

“…That’s typical behavior of a student from the Reserve Course. Honestly, you guys don’t really have any hope. You don’t have any talents or any interesting qualities about you. You don’t stand on the same level as the Ultimates.”

“Are you saying you’re superior to me? When your talent is only about luck?”

“I doubt luck can even be considered a talent. So, no, I unfortunately am not saying that I’m superior to you. I’m below the other Ultimates, yet, I stand in the same class as them, breathing in the same air as them. I’d say I’m a waste of their precious oxygen. But I can make myself useful by being their stepping stone so that they can all shine in the light of absolute good, of absolute hope.”

“…Seriously. I speak English, not nonsense.”

“I know you won’t understand all of this now. But maybe later, when you see some form of light amidst your despairing eyes, you’ll see what I meant.”

“Maybe.”

“Anyway… I found a bathhouse some distance away, hidden from everyone’s eyes. Somehow, it’s still undamaged. It’s a lucky find! Do you want to go there to relax and get cleaned up? The hot water still works, fortunately.”

A… bathhouse? Really?”

“…Sure, I guess.”

It had been a while since I’d last taken a bath. I found myself looking forward to it.

And that was how I ended up at a bathhouse. But I lagged behind the entrance to the actual bath.

“Hm? What’s wrong?”

“You’re not telling me that I have to SHARE a bath with you??”

“I mean, we’re both guys, so… it’s fine, isn’t it? Or would you rather not have your bath water contaminated by me? Either way, we don’t have much of a choice. This is a once-in-a-lifetime find in this despair-ridden world, so we might as well enjoy it while it lasts.”

I opened my mouth to rebut his words, but I couldn’t think of a good argument against him. I sighed, and stepped inside.

“Just… don’t look at me.”

He was a bit confused, but he complied either way. In the locker room, I undressed myself. My body was visible in the reflection of the metal door. I hated looking at it without my binder on. I lightly washed the dirt off of myself with the shower, before tightly wrapping a towel around my body, and stepping into the huge bathtub.

The hot water felt… good. I instantly relaxed, as if nothing had gone wrong in my life at all. I curled up my legs, holding them with my arms, and placed my forehead on my knees. This was to hide my body from anyone who dared to look. As much as I wish things were different for me, I also couldn’t change what had already been determined. Lucky for me, my target didn’t pry about the dysphoria I was going through. Knowing him, though, that bastard should’ve probably seen through it already. The thought of it filled me with irritation, and admittedly, a bit of anxiety. I didn’t want him to see me as anything more than an assassin. Why did I reveal myself to him that morning? Why did I imply so obviously that I didn’t want anyone looking at my body? Why could I hide nothing from him? Did his luck bring out this bathhouse so he could see deeper into me and dig up every last detail about me? I hated it. I held my head in my hands, scratching against my scalp a bit roughly. In this moment, all I could think of was…

“I want to disappear.”

“Hm? What did you say?”

I heard his curious yet confused voice speak up.

“You heard that??”

“Heard what? What did you say?”

“Shut up! I wasn’t talking to YOU!”

He only laughed at my snapping.

“I’ll get you back for this, just you wait…”

I muttered out loud.

The bath time passed without any other incident. He waited outside while I soaped and rinsed myself, and then we headed back. But then…

“!?”

The place had been completely destroyed. There were remnants of a missile in there.

“What…”

“Man. Just my luck.”

He spoke as if this was normal. I stared at him in disbelief.

“You genuinely scare me.”

“Do I? I’m sorry!”

He nervously laughed.

“I’ve just been through a lot worse. Bunch of plane crashes and all, y’know?”

“…”

That didn’t make it any better. I stared at him with the most dumbfounded expression.

“And… how, exactly, are you handling those incidents?”

“Well, I survived, didn’t I? So, that proves that hope is a real thing! And my luck works like a gacha game’s pity system. If something bad happens to me, something good of equal value will happen next. Kind of like losing your 50/50, y’know?”

“…Dude. Seriously. You NEED to stop downplaying your issues.”

“Look who’s talking.”

“YOU—!”

He seemed smug enough, catching me off guard like that. It infuriated me. I wanted to smack that stupid smile off of his face.

“But anyway… let’s search around the area, see if we can find anything.”

“Be careful. The remnants of the missile may have wires and smoke coming out of them.”

I nodded and began my search. Then, I found a note.

“Hm? Look at this…”

I spoke to him. He turned to face me, then came over to look at the note.

“‘Gotcha’… huh?”

Right then, we were surrounded by a bunch of members of that strange organization.

“…! Get behind me!”

I took the initiative to shield him.

“It’s me you’re after, isn’t it!?”

But they all moved too quickly. They blindfolded us, despite my resistance. Then, they took us away, to wherever their headquarters was. And all I could think was…

“I wish I were stronger.”

That was before I was knocked out.

Chapter Text

“Mama… mama, please…”

I was begging to someone. My mother. I remembered this memory too vividly.

“Mama, I’m sorry… I failed the course, but please, don’t abandon me…!”

I desperately reached for my mother’s back.

“You’ve disappointed me. I spent so much on your university tuition, and this is all you could give me? You should be grateful that I was even willing to invest in a professional course at one of the top-ranked universities in the country.”

“I’m sorry, mama! I’m sorry…!”

“You’re undeserving of my praise. If you fail your next course, I won’t help you with whatever you do in life. You can rot in the streets for all I care.”

“Mama! No, don’t stop being my mother! Don’t stop caring about me! MAMAAAAAAA—!”

I woke up in a cold sweat, in an unfamiliar room. I tried to move. No… I was chained to a chair.

“…!! LET GO OF ME!! I… I’M SORRY FOR NOT LIVING UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS!!!”

I wanted to cry. I was about to get berated, wasn’t I? I hated it. I hated when that happened. Just then, the door opened. In walked that unknown person.

“I’m surprised they haven’t detonated your bomb already, after you disobeyed so much. You’ve gotten too friendly with your target.”

“What!? I did not—!”

“Don’t lie.”

The person spoke in such an authoritative tone that I was reminded of my mother. I shuddered. My breathing was uneven, shaky, and I couldn’t breathe through my nose. It had to be from my mouth, as if I were trying not to let my heart pop out of my chest. I began to feel a bit nauseous.

“What’s wrong? Are you that afraid of authority? Hate having your freedom taken away? But this is exactly what your mother used to do, no? Also, weren’t YOU the one who was so desperate for my praise that you sought this mission, while knowing that you couldn’t do it anyway?”

“Gh—!”

“You’re a disappointment. A true failure in flesh and blood. Recruits like you are why I proposed having a training program in this organization.”

“No, WAIT—!”

They signaled at some guards to drag me away, before I could protest. I wanted to cry. They took me to what seemed to be a prisoner’s bedroom. Pushing me inside roughly, they locked the door from outside.

I banged on the door.

“LET ME OUT!! I’M SORRY, I’LL DO BETTER, I SWEAR!!!”

But it was in vain, no matter how much I screamed, the unknown person didn’t come back for me. I began to shake. There was a bed in the room that was a little away from the wall, so I shakily walked to it, and sat down on the edge in the small gap between it and the wall, my back to the rest of the room. I stared at the floor. My breathing was shaky and unstable. All I could think was…

“I want to disappear.”

“That’s the second time you’ve said that.”

“Huh!?”

I looked behind me. Seems they even locked Nagito in here… what a pain.

“Oh… you…”

I turned back to the floor. I didn’t want to look at him right now.

“…As you always say. ‘Just your luck’, right?”

“Mhm! Just my luck.”

“Yeah… just your luck that we got captured and I won’t receive praise due to not being able to kill you. I don’t even have a weapon with me. They took my gun, my dagger… only let me keep the phone since they wanted me to call them and humiliate myself by begging for praise. But I don’t feel like it. All just your luck, right? That stupid so-called ‘50/50 pity system’ luck?”

He didn’t say anything for a while. He must’ve noticed the hostility in my tone.

“And I have a bomb around my neck that who knows when they’ll detonate. Could be now, could be tomorrow… I don’t know. I don’t care. I just… I just want them to do it already. I want to disappear so badly that I don’t care if it’s through despair.”

My voice began to shake along with the rest of my body. I was struggling to not cry in front of him, but it was getting difficult.

“What’s even the point if I don’t get praised? I’m just a pawn made to serve in order to receive praise and appreciation from those who are greater than me. To be labeled ‘useless’, it… it just makes me wish I were someone much better at what I’m supposed to be good at, and… and—”

Before I could speak another word, my cries interrupted me. He watched me pull at my hair and scratch my scalp while I screamed and wailed pathetically like a toddler. I probably looked like a mess to him. I wasn’t worth turning into an assassin with my current indignant appearance. I hated it all; myself, the world, and him, for being so difficult to kill. All I could think was…

“I WANT TO DISAPPEAR, I JUST WANT TO DISAPPEAR ALREADY!! WHY DIDN’T MAMA DROP ME AS A NEWBORN IF I WAS ABOUT TO BE A USELESS WASTE OF AIR!? WHY AM I STILL HERE!? I DON’T DESERVE TO BE ALIVE IF I CAN’T DO A SINGLE THING!!”

I didn’t notice anything else around me as I screamed out everything that had been plaguing my mind.

“If my love always goes unrequited, what’s even the point?? This world is devoid of anything that will truly fill that void, and I… I CAN’T DO ANYTHING TO BE WORTHY OF LOVE AND PRAISE!!”

The more I screamed, the more hoarse my voice went, until I stopped crying and screaming completely. I stared at the floor in a dizzy daze. That was when I felt a presence behind the bed. Of course that idiot would’ve taken the time to take his place behind me. He’s probably about to yap about that stupid ‘hope’ of his, right?

“Feel any better?”

“No. I feel even worse.”

“I see… then…”

In an instant, I felt something on my neck. It was the feeling of… hands. His hands. They were oddly soft and gentle. Then, the feeling of the bomb around my neck… disappeared? I looked behind me, and he put the bomb around his own neck.

“You idiot! What are you—!?”

“Now, you won’t have to live in fear of them detonating the bomb to kill you, right? They’ll end up assassinating me instead. Isn’t that what they want? They’ll have to let you go after this, and you can live, and find your own hope, right?”

“No, that’s—!”

I gave up trying to reason with him.

“Take that bomb off.”

“Whoops, forgot how I took it off!”

“YOU—!”

I wanted to punch him so badly. But I held back. I knew it would be futile. Instead, I punched the pillow on the bed.

“Ghh!! I seriously hate you to the core!!”

“All the more reason for me to have the bomb, no? Isn’t it hopeful, to see a person you loathe so much die before your very eyes, knowing that you will neither see them again, nor will you ever have to deal with their antics again?”

“That’s just bullshit! Ugh, I give up trying to reason with you!! If you want to die so badly then just go ahead and die!!”

I snapped at him. He seemed unfazed by it. A rather uncomfortable silence followed. I lay on the bed with my back turned to him. I couldn’t bear to look at him, knowing that his current liabilities were my fault. All my fault. If I’d kept quiet about how I felt inside, if I were able to act more apathetic to everything… It was completely quiet. I didn’t know or care if he was watching. I only heard him break the silence with an unusually serious tone of voice.

“I’d like to tell you a secret before my inevitable demise.”

“…What? What do you want now?”

“After all this, are you sure that you want to be so distant and hostile towards me?”

“Seriously… get to the point. What do you want to tell me?”

“Well…”

He sat beside me on the bed, and lifted his sleeve. I noticed that his left hand was different from his right one. It had long, red nails, and was attached to his arm weirdly… wait—

“Is that…?”

I sat up in the bed suddenly, startled by the revelation and the sight in front of me.

“A symbol of me being one of the Remnants of Despair. This is the hand of the mistress of absolute despair, Junko Enoshima, who is now dead.”

“But… you haven’t acted much like a Remnant these past few days. I wouldn’t have been able to tell.”

“Despair only exists when there’s no hope. I saw hope in you, a potential candidate, and so, my despair… faded, gradually, as I bore witness to how much more you opened up to a worthless person like me. To have gained this much trust from someone who was assigned to kill me, it truly is a symbol of hope, isn’t it?”

“…I really don’t understand you.”

“You don’t have to. All you need to understand is that everything is temporary, and that everything is a matter of just how much hope you can hold onto when things get difficult.”

I didn’t answer him. He only sighed, and faced the floor.

“I know it’s hard to understand now. It’s not a logical thing. It’s irrational, and goes against what you’re best at understanding. But not everything in this world is made from logic. The sooner you realize that, the better you’ll be able to accept everything. A lot of things happen due to chance, sometimes even without anyone wishing for it. Chance is all it takes for everything to change. It’s just a matter of how you handle that change made by chance. For every chance is an opportunity for hope to bloom, but at the same time, it’s an opportunity for despair to seep further into people’s hearts. In the end, I only want hope to win. I want hope to be the sole shining light upon this world.”

“But why call me a ‘hope candidate’? You’ve seen my level of despair, haven’t you? I have nothing bright to offer. I’m just a background character.”

“Only in the darkest despair can the brightest hope shine. Everyone wishes to be a protagonist in some way. Even me, a worthless piece of garbage, wishes to be a protagonist in some way. But the best way to go at it is that everyone is writing their own separate story. I’ve never taken that approach, but you definitely should.”

He only smiled at me expectantly. It didn’t look forced.

“…Tell me something. When I first met you, was your smile ‘real’?”

“Was it? Hm… I’d like you to explain your suspicions.”

“Well… it’s mostly intuition from personal experience. Did you force yourself to smile out of courtesy? Or am I reading too much into it?”

I knew he wouldn’t give me a straight answer, and yet, I persisted.

“Whether it was real or not is for you to find out. But you can do it with all that hope you have inside you. I know that for certain.”

“…I told you to stop speaking nonsense.”

He only laughed at my irritation. But this laugh sounded… lighter. It felt as if a weight was lifted off his shoulders. I found myself mesmerized by just how light and carefree it sounded, as if he himself were shimmering in my eyes. Even when he stopped laughing, I couldn’t take my eyes off him. Why was I feeling like this? It felt as if something had melted inside me. I couldn’t understand it. I couldn’t understand myself. It was terrifying, not being able to point out parts of me that should be obvious to myself. I didn’t realize I was staring at him, til he blinked at me, and then smiled at me, with a smile that I couldn’t take label as ‘true’. All I could do was give him an irritated face and avert my gaze to the floor, at which he chuckled.

Somehow, this was a peaceful moment that I wished would last forever. Maybe the world wasn’t so bad after all. Maybe I didn’t need praise to be able to live. Maybe it’s not just praise that makes me feel warm inside, because this whole time that I’ve spent with him has melted me down, bit by bit. I could feel my despairing self collapsing the more he smiled and laughed in ways that I could tell were ‘true’. I found myself not worrying about what he thought of me, or what I thought of him. Appraisal of one another wasn’t needed in a moment of peace like this, where both of us were equal. With my despair having slowly melted away, I felt more at peace than I ever had in my entire life.

Chapter Text

We spent the night in that prisoners’ room. Since there was just one bed, Nagito suggested that I take it, while he slept on the floor.

“I’m used to it, being a piece of trash and all…”

“No. I’ll take the floor.”

“Now that’s unacceptable!”

We argued about it for a while, until we had to agree to share each half of the bed. Honestly? It wasn’t too bad. The bed wasn’t too small, so we still had a little bit of distance between us. Neither of us was facing the other, so it wasn’t too awkward.

“…Hey.”

“Hm?”

He responded curiously.

“Uh… Ah…”

I couldn’t bring out the words on my lips, but I still tried.

“I’ve… been a jerk to you, I know that. I’m the one who caused you to end up in this whole mess. I was so focused on gaining praise from that other person that… I didn’t see what was in front of me. And… just… I’m sorry for all of that, alright? I’m sorry I was acting like a sore loser towards you the whole time, trying to put down your talent, and overall just not acting like a good person. You were right. We Reserve Course students don’t really have any hope with our lack of talents. But you still chose me as a candidate for your ‘hope’. Why? Why choose a worthless person like me for it?”

“Hm… well, your despair was so strong that I felt like it could be the perfect place for hope to start brewing up, kind of like how it’s the perfect time to add in the tea leaves when the water starts bubbling while boiling. Does that make sense?”

“I… guess?”

“It’s a lot more complicated than that, but this is the general gist of it.”

“I see…”

There was a moment of silence between us, but it wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable. His presence felt less disconcerting; more familiar, and… admittedly, warm. Much warmer than my mother whenever she praised me. Much warmer than any other person I’d ever had a ‘connection’ with. It felt so warm that it was unreal. I could feel myself relaxing, little by little.

“…You remember the bathhouse?”

“The bathhouse? Oh! That one… yep, I do. Why do you ask?”

“Well, how do I tell you this… I actually did not want to show anyone my body since… well, it’s not a proper guy’s body…”

“Ohhh, I see! They call it dysphoria, right?”

“Right…”

“That’s fine. I knew there was some sort of insecurity, but I had no idea it was that severe. Anyhow, you’ll get your ideal body someday. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but maybe the day after, or next month. Never lose hope, remember that.”

He spoke like a kindergarten teacher trying to hype up his students. It was a bit humiliating, but at the same time, I couldn’t help letting out a snort.

“Pshh, shut up…”

He laughed at that. The same light, carefree laugh that made me feel warm inside.

“Say… what’s something you wish for?”

He suddenly asked.

“Huh? Me?”

His question surprised me.

“Well… I guess I just want to be happy with myself. Maybe… find love. Genuine love, no matter what kind, instead of chasing conditional praise. I just don’t wanna feel alone anymore, y’know?”

“I see… I hope you find that one day. Never lose hope, remember?”

“Shut up… anyway, what’s your wish?”

“Mine? It’s… not exactly different. I just don’t want to die alone. If I have to die, I want to die knowing that someone was willing to be there with me, that someone understood me, even if just a part of me. I want to die knowing that maybe… just maybe, my presence was able to bring someone closer to their absolute hope.”

“That’s… deep… I hope you find that kind of love, too.”

We didn’t say anything more in the following comfortable silence, and he eventually fell asleep, with occasional, light snores. I found myself sitting up to look at his sleeping form. He looked much more peaceful up close… I found myself automatically smiling slightly at the sight. When I realized it, I quickly shoved it down, and lay back on the mattress.

The morning arrived without any incident. He woke me up, and the guards took us to freshen up. While we were walking through the halls after our showers, he nodded at me. I had no idea what that meant, but then, he made the guard behind him trip onto the floor.

“Whoops! Sorry!”

I was dumbfounded to the core at how daring he could be. But while the other guard was distracted, I snagged their taser, and knocked both guards unconscious. Then, we both ran through the hallways. He made sure I kept up, despite my fairly low stamina.

The alarms sounded. I was panicking from their noise. It was giving me a headache, and yet, I continued to follow after him, as if he were the only thing guiding me. We encountered the unknown person all of a sudden.

“Trying to escape, are you?”

With a couple of lucky hits, my taser was able to provide support for him. He took the remote of the bomb from the person’s pocket. More guards started rushing after us, so he took me and ran. He tried to take the bomb off his neck, but it was no use. The remote only had one button, and that was the detonator.

“Tch, just my luck…”

He muttered. The guards were increasing in number, and the unknown person had woken up. I was panicking. He quickly pushed me inside a bomb-proof room, but closed the door without coming inside.

“!? What are you doing, you idiot!? Get inside!!”

The guards were getting closer. I watched him from the door’s window.

“Wait, don’t tell me—!”

“I’m sorry, this wasn’t the happiness you wished for.”

“HUH!?”

“Don’t forget me, or the fact that I have yet to witness the uprising of the hope inside of you.”

“NO, DON’T—!”

But my yelling was in vain. I had to watch as he placed his finger on the detonator, ‘truthfully’ smiling at me one more time, before everything was covered in bright flames, smoke, and ash.

“…Ah…”

My voice trembled. I could only stare in pure horror as everything unfolded. My body was trembling. The scene that had previously played… it replayed in my head over and over again. His smile, his finger on the detonator, and those last words.

“I’m sorry, this wasn’t the happiness you wished for.”

“Don’t forget me, or the fact that I have yet to witness the uprising of the hope inside of you.”

My trembling body, still frozen in sheer horror, fell to its knees on the floor.

“…You idiot… you absolute, complete, utter DUMBASS!!!”

I slammed my fists on the door.

“WHY DID YOU DO THAT!? WHY COULDN’T I HAVE GONE INSTEAD!?”

I kept slamming the door and screaming in agony. The scene wouldn’t stop replaying in my head. I don’t know how long I stayed there for, until I got up, and managed to open the door a bit.

The smoke and flames had subsided, and the whole place was burnt down and blown up, save for the bomb-proof room. I looked down at the doorstep, and saw a piece of dark green cloth, with red squares on it. It must’ve been from his jacket. How it survived the flames, I knew not. Must’ve been his luck again. All I could do was hold that cloth tightly in my hand, and fall to my knees again.

“You idiot… why…”

My voice began to tremble again, before I started to scream and wail like never before. I didn’t even care if my throat went hoarse, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. The explosion played in my head over and over, til it was completely ingrained in my memory. I got up and dusted myself, and wiped my face. Keeping the piece of cloth in my pocket, I went to find the exit.

I did find the exit after searching for a while, but my legs were still shaking. I still couldn’t breathe normally due to that explosion. The world looked even more filled with despair than ever. I decided to climb atop a skyscraper, to the rooftop, and look at the view. It was… nauseating. Not at all what the current Nagito would’ve liked. I kept thinking back to his last words.

“I’m sorry, this wasn’t the happiness you wished for.”

“Don’t forget me, or the fact that I have yet to witness the uprising of the hope inside of you.”

I thought about his wish.

“I just don’t want to die alone. If I have to die, I want to die knowing that someone was willing to be there with me, that someone understood me, even if just a part of me. I want to die knowing that maybe… just maybe, my presence was able to bring someone closer to their absolute hope.”

“…You didn’t die alone. I was there with you. I somehow get you, kind of. So… does this mean that your wish came true…?”

I asked the air, as if he’d answer me.

“I don’t need mama’s praise anymore. You taught me that. And now… I killed you, without meaning to. Why did it end up this way? And here I am now, wishing you’d come back, despite you already having died before my eyes.”

I held the piece of cloth tightly in my hand.

“I’d even allow this world to die, if it meant being able to be by your side again. If I could, I… I’d have removed all the despair of the world, and… I… I’d have been a bit nicer to you. Would you have liked that? Is that what your ‘happiness’ is?”

I stood there for a while, until I heard footsteps.

“Grieving over a dead human, while making such unrealistic wishes? How typical.”

A cold and detached voice spoke up. I looked behind me, and there was a (rather gorgeous and beautiful) man with piercing, radar-like red eyes and long, black hair. I almost felt my heart stop at the sight.

“And… you are…?”

“My name isn’t needed. Anyhow… you wish for a way to create a new world, right?”

I nodded without hesitation. He tossed me something, and I caught it. It seemed to be a wristband with a clock on it.

“This here is a time travel device. Use the buttons on the back to travel back to whatever time you want. But if you want a parallel universe, press the rewind and fast forward buttons at the same time. Understood?”

“Understood…”

“Good. I’ll be off, then. Make this interesting for me.”

And so, he was gone. Shame. I half-wanted to ask him out, but I was also busy with my grief. Crazy.

So, following his instructions, I used the device.

“I won’t fail this time. All despair… it’ll all be reduced to dust.”

Chapter Text

It was a pleasant, sunny day outside. The birds were singing, the flowers were blooming, and I was heading for school. Oh, me? I’m just an ordinary guy studying at the great Hope’s Peak Academy! I don’t have anything about me that stands out as a ‘talent’, but anyhow, it’s not like I need it here. I manage just fine without one.

At the school gates, I met my best friend, Nagito Komaeda.

“Heyyy! Good morninggg!!”

He waved at me with his usual stupid-looking smile, at which I couldn’t help but give a bemused expression.

“Shut up, you’re embarrassing me…”

In truth, I really didn’t mind him embarrassing me like this. We went to class together, had lunch together, even walked home together. Sometimes, he’d hang out at my place, just to bother me. Not that I minded. Those were fun times.

…But did you really expect this to be the end of the tale? I actually lied to you. I’m not just some ordinary high school guy. No… I was actually selected as the Ultimate Time Traveler. And I’m here now, to get a second chance at being by Nagito’s side.

“Now, the promised time has come, Nagito Komaeda. This time, I’ll definitely make you happy.”

This was a parallel universe to the last one I was in, so I chose to keep my talent hidden. However, I also didn’t have the wristband device that I’d gotten in the previous universe, so it would be easy to fake being untalented. Right…? I met up with Nagito, as usual. We did our routine; going to class, having lunch, and going home together after school. On the way home, I decided to ask him something casually…

“Hey, tell me…”

“Hm? What is it?”

“How do you feel about talent?”

“Ahahaha! ‘Talent’, hm? That’s an odd question.”

“Haha… yeah… I was just curious.”

“Well, here’s the thing.”

His smile suddenly faded, and his face seemed to hold a look of pure disdain and hatred.

“…I hate talent. Those with talent shouldn’t even exist in this world. All they do is bring despair to everyone else.”

I shuddered. This edition of him was… different… to say the least. To mess up here would be messing up everything I ever worked for. I couldn’t tell him that I had one, or else…

“I see… well, that’s true. They don’t last very long, anyway.”

“Right? Haha, I knew you’d get me!”

He seemed happy again. Good save, self…

He dropped me off at my place, and I went inside. I flopped onto my bed, and stared at the ceiling.

“…He hates talent, huh…”

I began thinking back to the other Nagito’s last words.

“I’m sorry, this wasn’t the happiness you wished for.”

“Don’t forget me, or the fact that I have yet to witness the uprising of the hope inside of you.”

I sighed shakily, wanting to cry. The current Nagito… I was hiding things from him. That’s not what best friends do. I felt like a traitor. It didn’t even grant his wish of ‘love’.

“…I’m sorry… this isn’t the happiness you wished for.”

I whispered those words to myself, as if the Nagito of this universe could hear me. Would he even forgive me? I didn’t know. I couldn’t even forgive myself. How did I end up like this? Well, no use dwelling on it now. I still owed him a trip to the bathhouse— well, at least I owed the previous version of him one.

The next day, on the way to school, I looked up names of bathhouses nearby. There was one which seemed decent. I decided to invite him there, just to make myself feel better. Right on cue, there he was, walking out of a park area with brown spiky balls stuck in his hair, scratches on his face, and yet still upholding his stupid smile.

“Another hopeful morning, eh?”

“…What the hell happened to you?”

“Oh, this? Nothing much, just ran into this girl, then a truck hit me, then I landed against a tree, which then led to these things dropping into my hair, and then a cat landed in my hands, which scratched my face up plenty.”

“…Dude. Seriously. Are you okay?”

“Never been better! All this horrendous luck will make way for an extra good day, right? That’s what hope is all about!”

…Wow. Okay. Not even I was that delusional, and neither is the writer of this work, despite how much he daydreams about kissing fictional men everyday. Despite how dumbfounded I was, I decided to just leave it as it is. I shifted the topic to inviting him to the bathhouse.

“Since when did you get interested in bathhouses?”

“Unimportant. Do you wanna go or not?”

He laughed at my insistence on getting to the point.

“Alright, calm yourself. Sure, I’ll go.”

And so, the day went as usual. We went to the bathhouse after the school day ended. Though, this time, I didn’t feel the need to hide. I was able to sit in the tub without a towel, despite the fact that I still sat with my body curled up to hide my chest. He noticed, and tilted his head curiously.

“You look even more tense in here. Aren’t baths supposed to be relaxing?”

“Can’t really help it if your body isn’t ideal, y’know?”

“Your body isn’t… ideal?”

“I mean, look at me. My entire build is feminine. Not very ‘male’ of me, right?”

Somehow, I didn’t feel the need to beat around the bush. I’d revealed this to his other version already. Despite the fact that they weren’t the same, I somehow still felt a sense of safety. Though, I still wasn’t about to tell him about the fact that I was assigned a talent…

“No, screw that… my body is entirely like a girl’s. I hate it.”

“But you’re a guy, right?”

“…Feels like I am one, just in the wrong place.”

“Well, it’s just like renovating your house. You add or remove things you like or don’t like, respectively, in order to make your house more comfortable for yourself. Isn’t this the same thing? If you know you’re a guy, but your body isn’t fit for you, then your goal should be to renovate it in the future, whenever you can.”

I listened carefully.

“…Wow. You sure are a lot less of an idiot than I thought.”

“It’s the power of hope. That’s why it’s the most superior power to ever exist! Hope is like the god of the entire universe, and beyond it. Only through hope has this world progressed, and only through hope will it progress further!”

“Okay, okay, I get it!! Shut up already…”

I couldn’t help but give him a bemused eye roll, at which he laughed. But there was a strange warmth in this very moment that I shared with him. He wasn’t the same guy I knew from the previous universe, but it felt like I was being given a second chance. Though, I still wouldn’t tell him about my talent. That was a different story altogether.

After that time, I suppose we became closer. I wouldn’t know, I couldn’t tell just how much distance had been removed. The writer of this work has always been bad at social cues and relationships in general, so he wouldn’t know, either. But anyway, we joked more with each other, and somehow, I began to smile in front of him, bit by bit, no matter if it was sarcastic, bemused, amused, or if I was simply finding peace in his company. But it didn’t matter.

“You’ve been smiling a lot more lately. Had more dopamine dosages?”

“…Shut up. I can smile if I want to.”

Nothing else mattered, because I was happier here, with him. I was happier without telling him about my assigned talent, no matter how much it ate away at me inside.

If I want to stay with him, I’ll go as far as to never tell him about it.

Chapter Text

I’d fallen asleep on the bed before I knew it. I was THAT tired. But the strangest thing was that… the (extremely beautiful) man from the previous universe appeared in my dream.

“So, you’re here.”

“…Yes. Did you need something from me? Is that why you’re in my dream?”

He was as detached as ever.

“Is this how you really want to stay; in secrecy, with the person you consider to be your ‘best friend’?”

“It’s for the better. If he knows, he’d likely despise me. I can’t lose him again.”

“So, your secrecy is performed as an act of love. Humans are so predictable that it’s painful. I asked you to make this interesting for me, didn’t I?”

“…I’m sorry. You’d be better off taking an interest in someone else.”

“No. I want to see just how far you can go in the name of that ‘love’.”

That’s when the dream ended, and I woke up. There was still two hours til my alarm was supposed to ring. I sighed and thought back to the conversation from the dream.

Love.

He said that my secrecy was an act of love. But what kind of love was it, if it really was love? I had no idea, myself. Gah, emotions are way too complicated for my brain to comprehend!! But I put it all aside, and tried to go back to sleep. Which I did, eventually…

I woke up an hour late.

“Ack—! I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!!!”

I reached school much later than I’d have liked. But surprisingly, Nagito was absent. And… I didn’t even know his address. Or his number. I was so stupid.

“…Shit.”

I facepalmed.

“Well… guess I’ll have to rely on the chance that he might come tomorrow, if he’s only sick…”

I sighed, and continued with my (rather lonely) day. After school, I decided to stop by the nearby bakery. The little bell rang when I opened the door.

“Welcome! Please take a seat!”

The waitress welcomed me, and I bowed back. I sat at one of the tables, and flipped through the menu. I selected a slice of strawberry shortcake; my absolute favorite.

After I finished my cake, I went home. On the way, I got a notification. It was a text from an unknown number…? I checked it to be sure.

“…”

This idiot.

After a bit of convincing, I finally got him to send me his address. At one point, he did text me my own address, just to mess with me. It was infuriating.

I took the train to his place, which wasn’t very boastful, despite his inheritance. I couldn’t help but be a bit impressed by his modesty. Taking a deep breath, I steadied himself, and rang the doorbell.

“…No answer…”

But right then, the door opened. He looked alright, except for his messy hair and slightly red nose.

“Oh, you’re here! This must be a call from the deities of hope themselves! Perhaps they’ve finally seen some worth in me?”

I stepped inside. This place was much more different than I imagined. In the other universe, I didn’t even visit his real home. It was just a place he was taking refuge in, which just so happened to be rather intact. But this place felt more homely… I felt something unfamiliar tug at my heart.

“…Shut up.”

Despite my irritation, I did take care of him, from dinner time to bedtime, and his medicines. But he was still sniffling a bit due to his nose running, so I called up home, telling them that I’d be staying with him for the night. I did get yelled at by my mother on the phone and all for ‘not informing her a day in advance’, but whatever. I had more urgent matters.

He showed me an extra mattress under his bed, which I pulled out.

“But you can sleep in the bed instead. A candidate for hope like you deserves nothing less than the absolute best.”

‘Hope candidate’. I felt my heart stop momentarily. Wasn’t that what the other version of him in the other universe had called me? I felt like crying, but I held it in.

“No, you can take the bed. You need all the warmth you can get. And I won’t take ‘no’ as an answer.”

He sighed, though it was playful resignation.

“Alright, then. If you insist.”

He slumped onto the bed rather indignantly. Of course, his cold probably exhausted him. I took care of his tissue supply, while he relaxed himself.

“So… tell me about yourself.”

“Myself? No, I’m not worth talking a—”

But I cut him off by clearing my throat. He sighed in playful resignation again.

“Alright, then…”

He stared at the ceiling, and told me everything; about his childhood, his mother, the lack of praise he received, and how his ‘luck’ wasn’t even a real talent to him. He told me about his illnesses, about how he wanted to be of use to those who are greater than himself.

“…But my greatest wish… is to not die alone.”

I felt those words deep in my soul. Deep down, I knew that he and I weren’t exactly different. It almost felt fated for us to meet. I felt bad for lying about being talentless, but it was for the best. When he turned back to me, I was facing him in the eyes. Then, I found myself saying something strange.

“…Was I born just to meet you?”

I asked something so weird with a thoughtful smile, not meeting his gaze and instead facing the pillow beneath my head, leaving him confused.

“What do you mean by that?”

“…Disregard that. I say weird things sometimes.”

I brushed it off with an unconvincing laugh, which only confused him more.

But after that night, I’d begun to question everything. What really was the purpose of my existence? Why was I allowed to try to bring him happiness again, in a new universe, despite my previous hostility towards him? I couldn’t understand. And why had that man who’d given me that wristband device called it ‘love’; those complicated feelings of mine? What kind of ‘love’ was it in his eyes, anyway? I longed to know what he thought, just so that I could have an easier time understanding myself.

A few days passed since that night. Nagito was a lot better in terms of health, and he’d started coming back to school, and hanging out with me. Neither of us brought up what I’d said that night, which I was thankful for. But I kept thinking about the times I’d had with the other version of him, which had begun to warp my vision of him, even if just a little.

He noticed that I was more reserved than usual, and tapped my shoulder.

“Something bothering you?”

“Hm? Well, they’re personal.”

“Oh! In that case, it’s better for me to wait for you to tell me yourself, right?”

I shrugged. I didn’t know what to say to that. As much as I wanted to reveal the truth to him, I blatantly chose not to. I couldn’t risk his unhappiness, I couldn’t risk this bond, and I couldn’t risk this chance of living a normal life with him. I couldn’t understand him and stay with him in the previous world, and now that I’d gotten a second chance, I wasn’t about to give it up. Somehow, these feelings felt familiar, as if I’d gone through them before; deja vu. But I sighed, telling myself that I’d probably felt like this in a dream. I couldn’t recall any memories in reality, after all…

“Hey, are you really alright on your own?”

“Hm? Ah, yeah… I was just spacing out…”

He tilted his head at me, not convinced. But then, I asked him…

“…Do you want to go to the hot springs?”

Chapter Text

“…Do you want to go to the hot springs?”

And that was how I ended up in a hot spring with this guy. All because I opened my mouth and blurted that out. I seriously need to learn to control my impulses…

So here we were, in a hot spring, with him having a towel around his waist, while I had my whole self covered in one.

“Still not confident in how you look?”

“I doubt I’ll be confident til I can renovate my body…”

“Hm… well, then. Hold out hope until that day, and don’t give up on it.”

He said it so casually, just like his usual self, as if it was easy. But for a guy like him, who’d suffered so much and still somehow survived, it was definitely easy for him. At least, I thought it was… and that made me envious. It was so easy for him to hide away behind a facade that nobody would dare to question. It frustrated me to no end, and yet, I felt bad for him. Then, I remembered his words.

“…But my greatest wish… is to not die alone.”

Those words rang in my head. I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. He looked relaxed, much opposed to me. And yet, he was an enigma; I couldn’t take anything he said or did at face value. Were all those smiles from him even real?

“…!”

I thought back to the other universe. When I’d seen his true smile for the last time, it was—

“Gh—!”

I felt my blood starting to pound in my head. I held it in my hands, my fingers digging into my scalp, as I bent over my folded knees. I tried to breathe normally, but…

“I’m sorry, this wasn’t the happiness you wished for.”

“Don’t forget me, or the fact that I have yet to witness the uprising of the hope inside of you.”

“I’m sorry, this wasn’t the happiness you wished for.”

“Don’t forget me, or the fact that I have yet to witness the uprising of the hope inside of you.”

“I’m sorry, this wasn’t the happiness you wished for.”

“Don’t forget me, or the fact that I have yet to witness the uprising of the hope inside of you.”

“Ah… ah…”

I was about to panic and lose it.

“Ah…”

I was shaking badly. So was my voice, as I thought back to the explosion that followed those words.

“I’m sorry, this wasn’t the happiness you wished for.”

“Don’t forget me, or the fact that I have yet to witness the uprising of the hope inside of you.”

Kaboom.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”

I let out a scream loud enough to drown my voice in my throat. It felt scratchy, but I couldn’t stop screaming.

“AH… AAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Tears followed. I scratched and tore at my scalp desperately, pulling at my hair, trying to cancel out that ache in my head. It didn’t work. I screamed more, and more… until I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“…?”

Amidst my panic attack, I hadn’t noticed that he’d moved to be next to me. I was startled out of my panic attack the second his hand was placed on my shoulder. Coming back from that panic, I took a deep breath.

“…I’m sorry. I truly am a weak guy. I don’t know if I’ll ever be a ‘real man’.”

“Guys can panic, too. It’s how you deal with it that’ll bring out whether you’ll go for the side of hope or despair. With that in mind, you already know which side is better.”

“Geez, you’re so cringe even during bad times…”

But I wasn’t annoyed at him, even if I acted the part. Maybe all I needed was that type of cringe from him. It felt… so warm. I began to like it. But I didn’t want him to get too close to me, lest the incident that happened in the other universe were to repeat. I sat a small distance away from him.

“Do you want to be away from me that badly?”

He asked with his typical smile.

“…I don’t know. One half says ‘yes’, the other says ‘no’.”

“Is that so…”

He then tried to hold my hand that was resting on the bottom of the water. But of course, I pulled it away.

“No.”

“No? I thought you wanted a bit of hopeful company and reassurance…”

“Just… don’t. It feels weird.”

“Hm… are you, perchance, afraid of intimacy?”

That was enough to tick me off.

“SAYS WHO!?”

I snapped back, not realizing how flustered I looked. He laughed heartily, which irritated me, but… the sight of genuine laughter made me feel a bit warm inside. What was this feeling…?

“Seems like I hit the bullseye! How lucky, I found out more about you!”

“Shut up!! Not a word of this to anyone, or I’ll kill you. Got it!?”

He laughed it all away, as if I wasn’t the one being picked on. Not that I minded, since it was only friendly banter… but still! It caught me off guard!!

I acted as though I were mad at him, even when we got out of the hot spring and went home, no matter how much he tried to start a conversation with me. But sometime after, he made such a pitiful face of dramatic despair. It made me laugh a little. And that was what got me to stop acting mad at him.

Once I got home with him by my side, however…

“…Hey.”

I called out to him softly, my back facing him. He tilted his head.

“Hm?”

“Do you think… that a person can truly be understood? And when they’re truly understood, do you think that they can truly be loved, or at the very least, accepted, or tolerated, for who they are?”

I gradually turned to face him. His smile faded when he saw my serious expression.

“That’s… a deep query…”

He seemed to be rather confused by my question, but he thought about it all the same.

“Well… I can’t say for sure. Only the being that created things like ‘fate’ and ‘destiny’ would know. There are some who are fated to be loved, some who are fated only to be tolerated, and others would have the destiny of being unloved forever. What makes up these fates, these destinies? I wonder… would the creator of those things be a believer of hope?”

“I see…”

It was a rather vague answer, but it was still an answer nonetheless.

“Ah, but don’t listen to this drivel from an insignificant pest like me! If you want a more hopeful answer, then perhaps, everyone has the chance to be loved. It’s nice to hope, no?”

“…”

I averted my gaze to the ground. The street lamp above us shone upon the street, like a miniature sun.

“Are you okay? You seem down.”

“…Why do you care?”

“It’s not like you to ask such broad questions out of the blue. There’s something buried deep within you, isn’t there?”

“Don’t bother.”

“But I want to understand what it is that’s hurting y—!”

“Forget it already! I don’t want you to understand it!! And even if I did tell you, you wouldn’t get it because it’s ridiculous!!”

I snapped at him. It hurt to push him away, but a part of me knew that it was for the best. After all, if he were to look into the deepest parts of my soul, I…

(“I can’t tell him about my talent.”)

I thought that to myself as I rushed inside my house, leaving him confused and worried outside. It hurt, having to put up a wall like this… but I knew why I did it. I alone knew why.

“I can’t bear to lose him again.”

It was ridiculous, childish, even downright stupid. But I had nothing else. I had no one else. I didn’t want to lose this warmth that I’d been searching for, for so long.

I rushed back outside, despite my mother yelling at me to go to bed, and spotted him walking away. Part of me wanted to call out, to have him stay just a little bit longer, but nothing came out of my throat. I felt dizzier with every step he took, as if he were growing further away from me by a kilometer with every step he took. I shakily lifted my hand towards his back, that was now so far away that my hand could almost block my view of him fully, or at least, that’s what my blurring vision told me. The last thing I remember was…

“…Don’t go… not again…”

I muttered that, before it all blacked out.

When I woke up, I was in a seemingly familiar place. It felt… warm. It wasn’t like my supposed ‘home’. The blanket on top of me was warm, and there was a cool, wet cloth on my forehead. I closed my eyes again, as if I’d lose this warmth if I came back to reality. I felt a warm hand check the pulse on my neck, and couldn’t help but tilt my head towards that warmth. I heard a sigh next to me.

“You’re awake… that’s good…”

They sounded relieved. That warm, soft voice was so very familiar, but my mind was so fuzzy that I couldn’t point out who it was.

“Open your eyes, you’re safe here.”

Eventually, I obeyed.

“…Ko… ma…”

I tried to speak, but only half of his last name came out.

“What happened? I heard something falling, and it was you on the ground… You passed out all of a sudden. Why?”

“I…”

I couldn’t reveal such an embarrassing thing to him. But while he was looking at me which such concern, I couldn’t just NOT tell him.

“…I guess… it may have been stress from mental turmoil?”

“Mental… turmoil… what’s causing that?”

“…Well… I came back outside since I didn’t see you off properly, and… you were already leaving…”

I made up a half lie, half truth. He seemed to buy it.

“You’re afraid of being alone?”

“I’m afraid of losing people.”

That was the only truth I revealed to him. His concerned expression became determined.

“We’re best friends, right? I won’t leave your side.”

“…Is that so?”

“That is indeed so.”

His hand felt warmer on my neck’s pulse point, and I couldn’t understand why. Why was this presence so warm, yet, so painful? Maybe because I’d lost him before, though that was a different version of him. Even so, I didn’t want to lose him, not any version of him. I found myself shakily reaching for his hand on my pulse point, which surprised him a bit.

“…I’ve been thinking… about you. Specifically, how I feel about you.”

“How you… feel about me?”

“Right. I feel as though you’re someone that I don’t want to lose, someone who’s worthy of my empathy.”

“Empathy?”

“It means, I—”

I cut myself off. I couldn’t just blurt out something like that so casually. No, I still didn’t know what type of ‘love’ it was… it’s better to play it safe til I figure it out.

He was rather confused by my sudden cutoff.

“—No, disregard that. I tend to say weird things out of impulse.”

I brushed it off with an unconvincing smile, which left him more confused than ever before.

Chapter Text

I’d started feeling weird lately, as if something was wrong with me.

Not only had I been blurting out weird things about my feelings, but I’d also begun to feel a strange sense of deja vu every time I hung out with Nagito, as if I’d been here multiple times before. But as much as I tried, the memories wouldn’t come back to me at all.

But that aside, I’d also been held down by a load of confusing and unnecessary feelings that I couldn’t understand!! Why was so desperate to not lose this guy!? We might be friends now, but this is all just too much!!

“Aghhhh!!!”

I slumped onto my bed and screamed a little into my pillow. I couldn’t do this anymore. This couldn’t go on for much longer, lest I start failing in life! This day’s been filled with trying to suppress my emotions, it was tiring… I fell asleep a few minutes after.

“…Mh?”

I found myself looking across a street in the sunset. The clock on a pole next to me said ‘5:00 pm’. Then, I spotted Nagito walking along the sidewalk on the opposite end of the street, a bounce in his step. When he spotted me, he waved at me and began to cross the street to get to me. But then…

“—!”

A truck had crashed into him. I couldn’t only stare at the sight before me. It was a hit-and-run. I wasted no time in calling up an ambulance, but I was shaking.

“Ah…”

I could barely breathe. Then, the world began to warp a bit, and I was in the hospital. The doctors gave me the report about him.

“We’re sorry, he didn’t make it.”

“…Ah…”

I began to shake more. He was dead. I didn’t know why I was grieving so much, b I was.

“Ah… ah…”

By the time I’d processed it, it was already too late.

“AAAAAAAA—!”

I woke up on my bed in a cold sweat, breathing heavily. I sighed with relief when I realized that it was just a nightmare. It was still the middle of the night, but I’d lost all my sleep. I sighed, and turned on my phone. Surprisingly, Nagito was online on the SNS app that we use. I gave him a call.

When he picked up, he was certainly confused.

“You’re up at this time?”

“Yeah, sorry… but what are YOU awake for?”

“Nothing, had a nightmare, is all…”

“Coincidentally, me too… I had a nightmare that you got hit by a truck and died in the hospital.”

“Huh? That’s the same dream that I had!”

“That’s… it can’t be a coincidence, can it?”

“Or maybe fate wants us to match dreams?”

“Geez, this is a serious matter!”

I sighed.

“Look… I don’t know how or why we got the exact same dream, but let me ask you this. What time was it in your dream?”

“Around… 5 pm?”

“That does it… my dream also had 5 pm on the clock. It’s not a coincidence. We’ve been connected, somehow. And I’m going to figure out why and how.”

“Huh!? But you can’t go by a baseless theory! I know that your hope is strong, but rushing in without a definite plan is too risky!!”

“Sometimes, you just have to risk it. I’ll be okay. Just take care of yourself, I don’t want that dream to come true…”

I didn’t understand why I said that. Why was I risking it for something that just… wasn’t written in stone? I didn’t know, but I chose to find out with time. I hung up the phone, and lay awake in my bed, thinking…

“Connected dreams… what does this mean…?”

I spent the whole night wondering about what it could all mean. This couldn’t be a coincidence… surely, something was wrong. Unless the universe wanted to play an unfunny joke on me so I’d think it was destiny? This isn’t a romcom, obviously it wouldn’t be like that. It was something much, much worse.

“…I’m overthinking it. I’ll find an answer someday…”

I closed my eyes, and as I fell asleep, suddenly, I saw something glowing in the darkness inside my closed eyes. I swam closer, and it was a person! A glowing person, without any clothing, and their body was glowing… I swam closer and closer, until I saw their back up close. It was… Nagito, in my dream. Curious, I swam closer, aiming to reach him. I saw that he was curled up into a fetal position, his arms around himself, his knees curled up into his chest. I swam closer and closer in the darkness, until…

“…!”

The second he turned to face me, his eyes were red, and a rather psychotic smile creeped up on his face, before he rapidly swam towards me, as if wanting to kill me. Right as he got to me, I woke up in a cold sweat, panting heavily.

“Gah— another nightmare!?”

I sighed, frustrated. I’d been having so many nightmares lately, and they all involve him… I decided to listen to some music to fall asleep.

Putting in my earphones, I played a soft and chill song that I randomly selected from my playlist. It felt so much better after muting my negative thoughts. The image of Nagito in my head was no longer as horrifying as before. I yearned to keep it this way; to keep him happy and alive like this. I didn’t understand myself, but that didn’t matter for now.

I closed my eyes again, and went back into my dream world. I was in some type of empty space, kind of like the moon’s surface. But the place was tinted in red and indigo, and in the sky above lay a medium-sized hole, big enough for a person to fit inside, surprisingly close to the surface of whatever planet I was on. I saw what seemed to be a nebula inside, but it was, in fact, a marker for the emptiness that lay on the other side. The hole led into… nothing. That alone terrified me. I had no idea where this place was, and now this… but I couldn’t wake up. It was as if I was supposed to be here, as if I was supposed to see all this.

That’s when I heard footsteps.

“Look at this. You did this, by carelessly going back in time to ‘fix’ your unfixable reality…”

“…”

It was… me, but that version looked colder.

“I suggest that you wake up and bid everything in your world a ‘farewell’, lest you lose it with regrets.”

“Huh!?”

I immediately woke up. Lose it?! I wasted no time in rushing out the door, dialing up Nagito’s number.

“The number you have called does not exist in the register. Please, double check, and try again.”

“WHAT!?”

The sky was turning red, yet, I kept running to where I presumed his place would be, not bothering with the train. As soon as I reached, I caught my breath, and rang the doorbell once, twice, thrice… rapidly.

“Komaeda! Answer the door!!”

I banged the door, but to no avail. It was the middle of the night, and yet…

“KOMAEDA!!!”

I rammed myself against the door, forcing it open, rushing upstairs to his room. Taking a deep breath, I gently opened the door…

“Koma—”

What I saw was…

“…!”

His clothes were on the bed, but his body was nowhere to be found. There was just a load of red glitches, solely in the spot where I supposedly would’ve found him in, had it not been for the current turn of events.

“What the—!?”

I rushed outside, and ran through the streets, noticing those same red glitches everywhere, with people’s clothes on the ground. That was…

Then, I saw a living person in front of me.

“Excuse me! Can you tell me abo—”

But a light immediately flashed in front of me, warping the person’s form a bit, turning them into that same set of red glitches that could no longer be recognizable. Huh…? What?

“…!?”

I thought back to the sight on Nagito’s bed.

“So… that means…!”

Suddenly, a new scenario popped up in my head, making it ache like crazy.

“Agh—!”

I shut my eyes tightly, clutching the top of my head in agony. The scene laid before me… it was of Nagito turning into those same glitches. It was gross… it was disturbing… it scared me to know… that he was no more.

“NO—!”

He was dead.

“NO, NO!!”

I’d failed to save him in time.

“I never even got to tell him that I have a talent…”

Nagito Komaeda… no longer exists in this world as I know him.

“NOOOOOOOO—!”

I fell to the ground in sheer agony. In front of me, someone had walked over.

“A ‘despair-free world’, huh…”

That cool, detached voice… it belonged to that man who had given me the device before.

“…You…”

“Look in your pocket.”

I did, and…

“…! The device!”

“You can choose to use it, or you can choose to live in this despair. I don’t care, as long as you make it interesting for me.”

He walked away, not explaining a thing. I got up and dusted myself, and put the device on my wrist.

“…One more time…”

This time, I’d find out what was going on, and save Nagito from his impending doom. I swore it to myself, and pressed the button. But perhaps the device malfunctioned, because I ended up in the same space as the one from my dream. The crack in the red sky had gotten bigger now. It felt like the world was about to end.

“…!”

Suddenly, footsteps.

“A double-sided hedgehog’s dilemma, huh?”

It was the other version of me! Though, it felt like he was an illusion… with those red glitches around him.

“Huh? What?”

“You and Komaeda are both like hedgehogs, in the truest sense of the word. You both want to be loved, but you push each other way, hurting each other, but also yourselves. He gets hurt when you put your life on the line for his ‘meaningless’ self, but he also hurts himself by thinking of himself as ‘worthless’. You get hurt when you fail to save him, but you also hurt yourself by beating yourself up over it in the first place.”

“…Ah…”

“This exact dilemma is what’s caused reality to shatter so much.”

“Huh?”

“Every time you change to a parallel universe or go back in time, that crack in reality becomes bigger. If you didn’t interfere with the true reality of things, nothing would be out of order.”

“Who even ARE you!?”

“Oh… you don’t remember? Let me enlighten you…”

He took my hand, and I was suddenly flooded with memories, making my head hurt.

“Ack—! AAAAAAGH—!”

They all flooded in hurriedly… How many times I’d befriended Nagito, how many scenarios and circumstances we were in, how many times I pushed him away with my aggressiveness, how many times he pushed me away with his self-deprecation, and… how he’d died in every scenario, one way or another. I’d used the device on my wrist so much, just to get him back… Those connected dreams we had, could those be…?

“But how!? How do I not remember any of this!?”

“Because you refused to accept the pain and move on. That ‘despair-free world’… you replayed that scenario over and over ever since you’d gotten that device from that guy— Kamukura. Hundreds of times, in fact… even I can’t count them. You never once told Komaeda about your talent. You kept the secret of your gender from him in every other timeline except for the one you were previously in. You kept going, and before you could completely lose yourself, you chose to seal away most of your memories of your failed timelines in this device. That Kamukura guy had done it for you, after you begged him to do so for nearly an hour. His memories remained intact in every timeline. In the previous one, the device wasn’t with you, because Kamukura trapped your memories in here, before he kept the device with himself. He was able to make it reappear in your pocket that time because of how badly shattered reality is to the point where anyone can do things that don’t make sense to a regular person. Does that answer all your questions?”

I remained silent. He gave me a nod.

“So, while pursuing your goal, you ended up breaking reality apart completely. Do you feel good now; letting your selfish selflessness take over you and make you do stupid things that you otherwise could never fathom yourself doing?”

“…No… this… this alone is true despair.”

Chapter Text

“This alone is true despair.”

I found myself wanting to give up on it all. I fell to my knees, wanting to cry, but no tears came out. I felt like I was being painted in the role of the villain, and yet, part of me wanted to refuse the idea of being like that…

“…You really can’t do a thing, can you?”

I heard my mother’s voice. There was an illusion of her in front of me, glitching. Yet, it felt so real…

“Mama…?”

“You aren’t my daughter. You’re a disappointment, a waste of space, money, time, and air. Think about what you’ve done. You’ve forever tarnished my image!”

“No… mama… it hurts…”

“It hurts!? When I was your age, the teachers used to literally smack the students’ hands with rulers! God, you kids are so ungrateful…”

“Mama… no… please…”

But she was gone, leaving a sobbing me behind in the empty space. The hole had grown big enough to swallow me and everything else, which it did.

I curled up into a fetal position. My clothes weren’t there anymore, and it felt like I was a near-comatose patient; so vulnerable, possibly on the brink of death altogether.

“…I thought I didn’t need mama’s love anymore… I thought that I’d finally made everything right, that I could finally save someone and be loved in return while I loved them… I thought… I finally had it… what I truly wanted…”

I kept muttering to myself.

“…I just want to have someone say ‘I love you’ to me, even at my worst, even at my weakest, even though I’m not a ‘real man’… I don’t want my love to be one-sided all the time, I’m sick of it…”

Without knowing, I’d begun to sob softly. How I wished mama would look at me with pure, unconditional love in her eyes, how I wished that my love was reciprocated, and for reassurance that the one who I’d been chasing after in every universe appreciated my efforts to save him. I felt… lonely here. I felt unloved, as if I were a virus that everyone took vaccines to avoid.

“It’s all been destroyed because of me… I… did this…”

I sobbed again.

“I’m sorry… I ruined everything, not just for you, but for everyone else who wasn’t even a part of it… all because I could never move on…”

He’d trusted me to move on with hope in my heart, and yet, all I did was go against his wishes. What kind of ‘friend’ was I? Even now, I wished he’d appear from somewhere, and give me one of his cringy pep talks about hope—

“Is someone feeling a little lost? Or should I say… hopeless?”

Oh. Okay. That was… surprisingly on cue, but I’d never admit that. He was here with me, bare, just as vulnerable as I was.

“…You’re here too?”

“Apparently. Somehow, I survived the shattering of reality. Why is that so?”

“I… don’t know for sure…”

“I’ll explain.”

A familiar, detached voice spoke up. It was that man, named Kamukura. He, too, was bare, but he didn’t look vulnerable at all. In fact, his nudity only seemed to emphasize just how strong and confident he was in his abilities, as if I were gazing upon the very existence of a god. I was mesmerized for sure. Though, amidst my regrets, I had the urge to drool at the sight of the (extremely hot) man before me.

“You’re staring.”

He pointed out bluntly with blatant disinterest, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world (which it was).

“Dear god, you’re so hot…”

I blurted out.

“…”

He gave me with a bored look.

“Predictable.”

That was it.

The moment was interrupted by Nagito speaking up.

“So… who are you?”

“He’s the guy who gave me that device I used to travel through time, and to that parallel universe, in order to save you; Kamukura.”

“Kamukura, huh… so, care to tell us how we got into this mess, and how you and I survived the catastrophe that just befell the whole world?”

The man named Kamukura’s sighed, bored out of his mind, before he began to explain.

“In short, reality has shattered. What we perceived as ‘real’ initially has been changed time and time again by the one with the device, to the point where the true ‘reality’ has long since lost its meaning. There is no definition of what’s real and what’s not, because you kept trying to change what the definition of ‘real’ is.“

“I didn’t know that my actions would cause THIS mess!!”

“But you should know that playing with time and space in itself is basically risking everything, including the lives of various unknown people, and the universe itself. Perhaps you were too panicked to think clearly, but still, the thought should’ve crossed your mind at least once, unless you were too focused on chasing after one singular person, who didn’t even know you as the same person from the previous timelines.”

I went silent. I hadn’t even considered the risks, only the benefits… if I’d thought through it more carefully, then— no, if I had the ability to move on despite my grief, then…

“Human selfishness truly is quite an enigma… it can even cause someone to break the concept of reality altogether, just so that the person they love stays alive with them.”

“What? ‘Love’!? That’s—!”

He caught me off guard. There was no way I—!

“There is no need for you to get so defensive. All I did was state something from my own observation. I acknowledge that I may be incorrect with my assumption, but for a long time, all my analytical assumptions have been correct. Thus, I would like you to prove my statement wrong, should it truly be incorrect.”

I didn’t know what to say. It was all so confusing, I just gave up on trying to disprove it. I wish emotions were easier to understand. Not even I knew why I went that far, just for one guy… well, speak of the devil. That very guy spoke up right after.

“I just want to know… why? Why did you do all that for someone like me? If you’d done it for someone like Kamukura, I’d have understood. But me? Someone as worthless as me? Why would you waste your hope on that?”

“…Because…”

I couldn’t even get my words out properly.

“Because… you were worthy of my empathy.”

I’d said this line to him in the timeline before reality's shattering.

“Empathy?”

He responded just as I’d wanted him to.

“It means, I—”

I couldn’t get the words out of my throat. That sentence remained incomplete, even now. But he stared at me with that air of patient expectancy on his face, as if waiting to see whether I’d finish that sentence this time. But I couldn’t… not like this, not when I’d not only hurt him, but millions of others in the process…

He eventually just shook his head, as if telling me that there’s no need to say it right now. I wished he’d push me to say it, to get it off my chest, but I didn’t say anything. His gaze went back to Kamukura.

“And… how come, besides him, you and I survived that shattering too?”

“It’s simple, really. He kept changing reality in order to save you from your impending doom; in your case, your deaths, in every scenario he played. No matter how big or small the matter, he hated it to the point where he tried to prevent it from happening. Thus, since his wish involved you, your fate is tied to his. As for me, I, too, was tied to his fate, as the person who erased his memories and kept the device that time, as per his request. It was both pathetic and predictable to watch, honestly; I knew that the day would come when he’d eventually be on the brink of losing his mind.”

“Losing his mind… over someone like me, instead of someone better…”

“Humans can’t control their emotions, so even I couldn’t predict that he’d target you. But it ended up in your relationship being akin to a pair of hedgehogs; you both wish for love and to love, but you also push each other away through selfish selflessness. One of you doesn’t care enough about his life and throws it away despite the other’s pleas, and the other cares more about the former than he does for himself, to the point where he’d break every law of the universe to save him. Not to mention, you also hurt yourselves. One gets hurt when the other puts his life on the line for the former’s ‘meaningless’ self, but he also hurts himself by thinking of himself as ‘worthless’. The latter gets hurt when he fail to save the former, but he also hurts himself by beating himself up over it in the first place. You both are an accurate, double-sided, real-life example of the Hedgehog’s Dilemma.”

Silence befell the three of us at his bluntness. I was drowning in more guilt by the second. I stared at the device on my wrist, thinking about how I could make this right. Could I even do it? Mama had called me useless, and that’s all I’ve ever been throughout. I straight up broke the concept of reality altogether, just for one person, and here I was, trying to make it right in vain. I truly am hopeless, I couldn’t even finish that sentence I was about to say to him…

“Are you thinking about how to make this right?”

Of course he had to ask me that. How could I face him when I was the one who selfishly kept repeating the same scenario, while trying to keep him from dying, to the point where all this happened?

“…I don’t know how I’m supposed to make it up to you. I know an apology isn’t about to fix it, and I also know that I acted selfishly.”

“That’s true… I didn’t think much of my life in the first place. I was willing to die for the sake of hope, anyway, but that’s a selfish wish, especially when you kept trying to save me, right?”

“But it was truly selfish of me to repeatedly try to change reality instead of moving on so that your soul would be at peace.”

“Well, it’s all been done now, hasn’t it? No use dwelling on what’s already happened, when you still have hope to make this right. Can that device do anything? If it can break reality, then surely, it can fix it too.”

“…It’s worth a try, but it’s also risky… I can’t guarantee that any of us will remember all this, all that we’ve been through.”

“Even so… if I somehow die in the new reality, do you promise to move on?”

That question had me going silent. I couldn’t speak.

“…I can’t promise that, I’m sorry.”

I could feel myself nearing tears at the thought. I did all of that… just to be back at square one?

“There is no such thing as a reality where nobody dies. So, you’d better make up your mind. And don’t even think of sacrificing your own life for his, as you are the original holder of this fate that you’ve dragged him and me into.”

Kamukura’s blunt voice spoke up before I could even form a thought. I didn’t know what to do.

“Hey… listen. Even if I’m not there for good, hope will always prevail, even in the darkest times. You just have to believe in it, since it’s always there. You can’t see it if you don’t believe in it, can you?”

“But how can you guarantee that I’ll be fine with eventually losing you, especially after all this? Is it truly inevitable??”

“I can’t guarantee that you’ll be fine without me, after having seen all this. But all I want is for you to move on with your life, and use the despair of my death as a stepping stone for your hope. Don’t grieve over me forever. No matter what world we end up in, we’ll always end up as friends, and that alone is enough hope for me to sustain myself with.”

I stared at the device on my wrist.

“You were destined for greater heights. I know it, because the hope you’ve shown by trying to save me so many times is so intense. You could achieve so many great things with it.”

He kept saying things to make me feel better, but I was too lost in my thoughts to pay them much mind.

“…Okay… I’ll try using the device one more time. But before that…”

I faced his confused expression.

“I lied to you in every timeline after the very first one. I… I had a talent the whole time; I was the Ultimate Time Traveler. You hated talent in all those timelines, and I didn’t want to be apart from you, so…”

He nodded in acknowledgement with a smile.

“I forgive you. See? You do have hope in you. Now, put it to some good use.”

I sighed, and tapped the buttons on the device in the same order I always used to travel through parallel universes. In an instant, the device began to glow, and all of us were sucked into a portal, leading us to another place, far away from there.

Chapter Text

It was another mundane day; the same sunny weather, those birds chirping, and a school day. I’m a student in the Hope’s Peak Academy Reserve Course. Lame, right? I don’t have a talent, and I don’t really have anything to live by— WRONG! I remembered EVERYTHING. Every time travel scenario, every bit of despair I felt, and of course how much I wanted to save Nagito. During the previous few moments, he, Kamukura, and I had been sucked into a portal created by my time travel device (handed over to me by Kamukura), taking us to a new world. As I walked to school, I noticed that everything was playing out exactly the same as back during the first scenario when I met Nagito. So, it meant that despair would infect the world in this scenario again… and it would be up to be to help in getting everyone out of it. Bracing myself, I headed to the school gates.

Lots of students were entering the gates, for their new year here. But in the distance, I saw Nagito sitting on a bench, watching as the cherry blossoms fell from the trees. He spotted me staring at him, and waved, smiling at me like he always did. So he remembered me after all! I let out a breath that I didn’t know I’d been holding, and waved back with a small smile. We didn’t bring up our previous memories, and just focused on living in the present. After all, that’s what hope is all about, isn’t it?

The day was uneventful. I met up with him after school, and we walked home together, as usual. But when we parted ways, I went in a different direction.

I went to a skyscraper, to the very top (the balcony area), and looked down on the world below me from the railing. All this was about to get destroyed, and be engulfed in despair… people would hurt each other and themselves, including Nagito. It would be up to me to save him, but this time, in the ‘now’ rather than in the past. And if he somehow died, I… I’d have to move on, like he wished me to. I pondered over this every time now, at this very spot, the second I parted ways with him.

At one point, he’d found me there. Maybe he thought that it was suspicious that I was taking a different route, and followed me here.

“So, this is where you are? I thought you finally got a girlfriend or something!”

“Idiot. You know I don’t have any charisma when it comes to women.”

“Haha, fair! Your hope lies elsewhere, after all.”

“Shut up…”

But I wasn’t annoyed. It was just playful banter. He looked over the railing with me, looking at the world below.

“All this will be destroyed someday, huh…”

“Apparently. That’s just how the world is.”

Silence. Then…

“Yeah, it is… but creation can’t exist without destruction, the way hope can’t exist without despair. That’s why I have to place my trust in the fact that hope will always prevail, no matter how horrendous the situation is.”

“You sure are optimistic…”

“Hey, we survived the literal breaking of reality, didn’t we?”

“Touché.”

I shook my head, but I could feel myself smiling, in a rather resigned manner. He always had an answer for everything, huh…

We stood there, watching this world below us as time seemed to stop, for who knows how long. I couldn’t help but look at him from the corner of my eye, noticing his thoughtful expression. Perhaps he, like me, was pondering about it all… the consequences, the person he’d end up becoming… I could understand that. The air was filled with unspoken feelings, mostly on my end. But I didn’t know how to say them, and I wondered if I’d ever be able to finish that sentence one day. But I sighed and promised myself mentally that someday, I’d tell him everything, and finish that sentence from all those timelines ago.

There was only one thing keeping us connected, despite our silence, and that was the realization that deep down, each of us just wanted to be told ‘I love you’ by someone. These unspoken, yet undeniable truths, would they ever come to light one day? Neither of us knew, but what we did know was that in the end, pushing through it all would be worth it.

Fin.