Chapter Text
Technoblade was about ninety-nine percent sure that this was not normal.
To be fair, he was not sure what was normal for his species. Growing up as a Piglin among humans in the Overworld had never been an issue until now. What would he give to know how to speak his species’ language to ask, "Hey, what the hell is going on?”
While he could not prove it, Techno was certain his Nether portal had something to do with this, what with how the portal had shattered the second he attempted to step out of it. The way the magic swirling around him had shifted, then sharpened, then dug itself into his skin and tore him out of its threshold sent shivers down his spine.
Only once he could taste ash in the air did the portal collapse against him, crumbling into chunks of obsidian and wisps of useless magic.
Now, with the portal in shatters and Technoblade shuddering pitifully at its base, he could see just what it had done to him.
He could just barely make out his reflection on the obsidian surface.
It was him, technically, if he was large and piggish, covered in a dusty pink coat of coarse hair with two sets of ivory tusks protruding out of his bottom lip. His irises were lost in the glowing white sclera of his eye, and he could feel a long and thin tail whipping back and forth at the base of his spine, irritable.
A Hoglin. Something in the portal had turned Techno into a Hoglin. Or something else; he could not rule out a possible curse from that witch he had crossed a few days ago. She had been awfully adamant that he would live to regret stealing from her. Techno did not think it would matter much once she was dead.
Perhaps it was the Illagers chasing him just moments before that did this. The Vindicators could not possibly harness this kind of magic, but maybe an Evoker had picked up a new spell or two. Techno had never heard of an Evoker transforming another creature, but he had seen weirder things in his lifetime.
Nevertheless, he was a Hoglin now, unable to muster even a few words of disdain out of his maw.
Grumbling, Techno scraped his hooves into the soul sand beneath him and tried to get up, falling back into the sand when his new weight toppled him over. Even without the difficulties, Techno could tell he was massive, much larger than a normal Hoglin. He was almost afraid to stand up, fearing his legs would be unable to support his new weight.
‘Thank Gods, no one is here to see me like this,’ He prayed silently.
He took the time to take a look at where he had landed. New portal, new spawn point, and all that. When he looked over his shoulder, he could see the faint glow of a lava pool behind the expanse of soul sand. There wasn't a man-made structure for miles, and any sign of human life was nonexistent. Only the distant screeches of ghasts filled the silence around him.
‘Could you be any more dramatic?’ he asked himself, mockingly.
‘First things first, get up,’ he thought. He heaved out a sigh and shakily lifted himself to his knees and then to his hooves, only to fall back into the sand in a shuddering heap.
‘Easier said than done.’
Every time he attempted to lift himself, Techno's mind would smolder like glowstone dust, leaving him aching, but he ignored it. He just had to ignore everything wrong with this until he could get to the Overworld and figure all of this out in the safety of his own home.
Techno grunted and tried again, shaking the clumps of sand from his hair-- fur? Slowly– incredibly slowly, in his opinion– he rose and took a few trembling steps away from the portal.
He stumbled over his hooves, cursing the weight that rolled him on top of himself with each step. And this heat! It was like the Nether was trying to boil him alive. If anything, he needed to get out of this hell hole to prevent a heat stroke.
After a few more tries and subsequent tumbles, Technoblade was able to meagerly walk around without stumbling and falling to his knees. With a triumphant grunt, Techno turned to look at what remained of his portal.
Much to his dismay, the portal was in ruins. Any chance of salvaging anything from its remains was unimaginable. Even if he had hands, the chunks of obsidian were either too small or too misshapen to mold into a new portal. He did not even have flint and steel to light it.
Even worse, underneath the rubble, Techno could see the tattered remnants of his bright red cloak and the burnt edges of its lush fur. He could barely make out the gold of his crown under a particularly large chunk of obsidian, but the scattered shards of the precious gemstones that had once been embedded into it all around him were proof enough: his clothes were good as gone.
Techno's ears flattened against his skull. He had really liked that crown. It stung to see both of his favorite accessories demolished like that, and it only added to the hopelessness of the whole situation.
He nosed the ground and dragged his front hoof through the dirt, pacing in a circle as he gathered his thoughts.
So, he was in the Nether. Fine. He had no portal. It could be worse. There were plenty of portals scattered around the Nether, not to mention the few left by L’manberg’s citizens. If Techno chose a direction and started walking, he would come upon one eventually. It was leagues better than sitting here with his head in the ground. If he followed the lava shore, he should find something– anything. He could deal with the Hoglin nonsense once he was home.
Techno took one last somber glance at his portal and began walking.
‘Really, how hard could this be?’
-*-
With the lava ocean shore on his left and the suffocating heat on his back, Techno felt like he had been walking for hours. The seas of sand blurred over his vision like static. If he had to stare at another grain of sand Techno swore he would tear out his eyes.
He had gotten so used to the silence that it had twisted itself into a constant ringing in his ears, only drowned out by his own thoughts.
‘Just a bit more,’ Techno thought to himself, ignoring the persistent howling, ‘I’ve got to find something eventually.’
Techno winced and whined as the ringing got sharper and louder, almost like a cry. Perhaps his ears were overly sensitive now, but it felt like the noise would split open his skull at any moment.
It was an embarrassing minute before Techno realized that the ringing might not have been in his head. He paused, ears flicking, and he waited for the sound again. Techno stepped away from the shore, tail jerking anxiously against his flank like it knew something was wrong. Then he heard the wail.
Techno reared back and started running, but he could hear the ghast chasing him from above, its hisses and wails echoing off the Nether ceiling. Techno shrieked when the ghast began spitting fireballs at him, using his massive body as glorified target practice.
How could he have been so careless? How had Techno been completely oblivious to the creature? These thoughts rushed through his head accusingly as Techno made a mad dash out from under the ghast's gaze.
Techno felt his lungs burn as he scrambled for any semblance of cover, dry heat ripping down his throat and settling in his lungs bitterly. He stumbled over loose soul sand and his own hooves as he tried to dodge the ghast’s attacks. When a fireball landed too close for Techno's taste, he jerked away violently, rolling over himself into the sand. He lifted his head with a groan, only to see the ghast charging up another fireball. Techno squealed and scrambled forward before it could hit him. He could feel its heat singing the tips of his hair.
Techno pulled himself up and tore his hooves into the sand in a frantic escape, searching for something– anything– that could be used as a shelter.
When the sand broke into stone under his hooves, he allowed himself a little bit of hope. Stone meant basalt, and basalt meant caves to hide in.
Techno snorted and pushed himself to go faster, just a little longer, and then he would be safe.
His hooves beat against the hard stone, and he could make out the outlines of the basalt mountains. On his tail, the ghast charged up another fireball, flying ever closer and whistling ever louder.
Techno closed his eyes, prayed, then twisted himself out of the line of fire and into a basalt wall. Just a few feet away, basalt crumbled under the fireball, but Techno paid it no mind as he clawed his way up and ducked under some of the rock.
Techno held his breath as he dragged himself into a small divot in the wall, ears turned back as if that could block out the ghast’s confused screeches and whimpers. Techno waited tensely for the ghast to leave, only taking a breath when he could hear the ghast fly away.
Techno slumped against the floor, breathing heavily. He choked on sand and chips of basalt, but, Gods, he could care less. The stone cooled his skin ever so slightly, and he was finally off his feet. Nothing could take this away from him.
“Um,” a voice echoed from the back of the cave, “how’d you do, mate?”
Techno looked up and squealed. Curled in on himself only a foot away from Techno’s snout was Philza, clutching a simple iron dagger to his chest like it would protect him from the giant Hoglin that just tore through his sanctuary.
He was panting and his feathers were ruffled up anxiously but, despite his fear, there was a familiar sea blue determination in Phil's eyes. Something you only earned when you'd lived long enough to know you could survive anything.
Like the rampaging Hoglin barely two feet away from him.
As Techno sat up, he had to muffle a snort. Of all the people to find out in the Nether’s wastelands, it had to be Phil. The one person who could help Techno, yet he could not recognize him under the curse.
Techno stood and stepped toward Phil, only to flinch back when Phil jabbed his dagger at Techno's broad chest.
Phil fumbled backward, putting some distance between him and Techno.
“Listen, I’ve-- uh-- had a long day and, from the look of it, you probably have too,” Phil rambled, a soft and nervous chuckle under his words. “I’d really like to catch my breath before you chase me out of here. So, truce?”
Techno huffed in agreement, shuffling closer. He should not have been surprised when Phil's dagger met his chest, the other hand shakily pushing his tusks away.
“Now come on, I don’t want any needless trouble.”
‘Yeah, me neither,’ Techno thought, rolling his eyes.
He lowered his head and rumbled low in his throat, motioning for Phil to move over. It took a few painstakingly slow moments, but Phil eventually relented and scooched over to give Techno some much-needed room.
Content with the current situation, Techno nosed his way beside Phil and curled in on himself, flopping onto the floor with a heady huff.
Phil was uncomfortably stiff for a long while but eventually relaxed against the wall. He looked as exhausted as Techno felt.
Phil asked, "I guess we can just wait here for a bit, right? Just until we can get up on our feet?"
Techno hoped he wasn’t expecting an answer.
Techno grumbled as he settled his head on his front legs, letting the Nether’s eerie sounds fill up the silence.
Phil coughed awkwardly. “You know, you, um, you don’t act like many Hoglins I’ve met in my day,” he said. Techno flicked his ear in acknowledgment.
“I mean, you're sweeter. Is that bad to say? Sorry mate, you’re just… more chilled out than I was expecting. I was pretty sure Hoglins were inherently hostile.” He chuckled, and Techno could hear the strain in his voice as he tried to make this situation a little better. “I guess you all have got some softies in your ranks.”
Techno scoffed and opened one eye lazily to look at him. He lugged his head over and plopped it next to Phil’s leg, making him jump. He chuffed deep in his belly, just barely a laugh.
Phil tried to push his head away, even grabbing hold of his tusks in a poor attempt to move it.
When that failed, Phil accepted his fate with a groan.
Technoblade could feel the tension surrounding them, and it was so painfully ridiculous. Years of knowing Phil meant nothing to the man now, and it was like they were strangers. Worse than strangers, since Phil thought Techno was no more than a beast.
Which was not entirely untrue, but it did nothing to stop the agitation broiling in his stomach.
Tentatively, Phil placed his hand on Techno’s head, carding his fingers through the coarse hairs. Techno leaned into the touch unintentionally, little pleased grunts escaping his throat. Phil laughed at his reaction, scratching his nails over Techno’s scalp.
“Surely you got some of your own kind around here, eh? Some Hoglin buddies?” Phil asked.
Techno spared him a sad glance, then looked away, unsure how to react.
Phil hummed in understanding. At least, Techno thought he understood. It was hard to know what Phil was thinking on a normal day.
“You know, I’m missing my friend too,” Phil mumbled. Techno raised his head curiously, cocking his head as he listened.
“I’m out here looking for him, actually. He went out on a supply run and hasn’t been home in almost a week. I’ve been looking all over for him. The Nether seemed like the next logical place." Phil sighed, and removed his hat, running his hand through his hair. An anxious tick Techno had long since gotten used to, but not one that was typically targeted at him.
Techno cowered in shame. Had it really been that long since he had been home? He knew he had told Phil he would only be gone a few days– and, sure, it might have gone on longer than expected– but he did not expect Phil would get worried that fast.
The way Phil clutched his dagger or dragged his hand through his hair and toyed with it said otherwise.
The image was reminiscent of his attempted execution. Watching Phil stand by at a window sill, stunned to near silence, as his friend was placed on a podium and put to death was one of the worst experiences of Techno's life.
He had sworn he would never make Phil look like that ever again. Gods, did he ruin that.
Techno looked at Phil now. He looked so tired, more tired than Techno remembered. He did not want to think about how long Phil had been out looking for him.
Techno nudged him in a vague attempt at comfort. Phil looked down at him and smiled a bit, scratching the top of his snout with a chuckle.
“Thanks, mate,” said Phil, leaning back into the wall and looking up at the stone ceiling. Then Phil straightened up, a new light in his eyes.
“You know, you could help me look for him if you have nothing better to do. I would appreciate the help, and you could find some of your buddies to group up with."
As Phil prattled on about everywhere he had searched thus far, Techno desperately wished he could tell him, “I’m right here, you don’t need to find me, I’m here,” but that wasn’t happening any time soon.
Instead, he could work with this. Techno could “search” with Phil, wait until he gave up on the Nether, and led them back to his portal. Then they could go home and solve this Hoglin problem where it was safe. Anywhere was better than the Nether at this point, where one slow move could be his last.
With newfound determination and a shred of a plan, Techno nodded, and Phil’s eyes lit up.
“Perfect, two sets of eyes will be better than one,” Phil replied, turning onto his side and shuffling into a more comfortable position.
Phil placed something under his head, and Techno realized he was using his flimsy hat like a pillow on the stone. He shook his head and nosed Phil up.
Before Phil could complain, Techno curled his body around Phil, settling down on the cave floor. Phil tensed up, then relaxed, leaning back into Techno’s shoulder meat.
Phil grumbled as he got comfortable, but Techno could make out the small sigh of relief. It made his heart swell with pride. He could help Phil out here just as much as Phil would be helping him.
Phil mumbled something soft, something along the lines of, “You’re going to love Techno when you meet him. He’s a big ol’ softie, like you," and, "You’ll fit right in with us, mate."
Techno half-listened to Phil’s slowing breaths until they broke into soft snores. Techno took one last look at the mouth of the cave, watching the ghasts overhead. For the first time since he ended up in the Nether, he truly felt like he could get back home and fix all of this.
With that, Techno allowed exhaustion to take him, lulled to sleep by the sounds of lava.