Chapter Text
In high school Jared was terrible with feelings and even sometimes empathy. It was difficult for him to see the seriousness of things at the time and he spoke without thinking, which led to many unpleasant situations. Those situations grew even more after the famous printer incident. Jared joined the mockery and occasionally spilled a joke on the subject.
That also increased when on his senior year Connor grew his hair out and started painting his nails.
After that there weren't many more interactions, Jared regretted all of those things. The strange rivalry he had created with the Murphy - and his pride - kept him from admitting his guilt out loud. He knew that once he entered college, he would be able to forget all those years and "run away from his past." All the unnecessary teasing, all the tacky jokes. Connor Murphy wasn’t the best person in the world, but he didn't deserve any of those things either, and Jared knew that.
On the other hand, because of the friendly family ties between the Kleinmans and the Hansens, he was forced to put his pride aside and apologize to Evan -and he also apologized to Jared-. There was an emotional peace between the two after that, but they didn't maintain much contact at first, either. It was not easy to reconnect after so many years of bad relationship.
Jared for a moment believed that it would be the only problem he would have to deal with about his past. And he was wrong.
A week before starting his sophomore year, Evan accompanied him to move to the campus. They had been trying to mend the relationship for a long time, and their mothers thought it would be good to spend more time together. With a big box each and Jared also pushing a suitcase, they entered the new room. He knew he would have a roommate, but unfortunately it was not someone he could choose.
“Look at the positive side” Evan said trying to cheer him up “You have two weeks of trial to ask for a room change. There is always someone else who asks for it, too” That made him laugh. Evan Hansen was the most pessimistic person he knew, and yet he was the one trying to cheer him up.
The side of the room that his roommate had already chosen didn’t give him bad vibes, but not very positive ones either. He hadn’t a single poster or photograph hanging on the walls, the bed sheets were dark blue and totally flat, the desk was full of books and the only thing that could give him clues of his tastes was a laptop full of stickers of things that he did not recognized first. He had probably been paired up with a nerd.
Stop being so judgmental, Jared! There's nothing wrong with being a “nerd”.
And as soon as he stopped mentally gossiping about his roommate, he started taking his things out of the boxes and ordering them with the help of his friend. Perhaps he would have a roommate with whom he could get along, or at least ignore each other.
(. . .)
And the option was probably the second. His roommate arrived before dinner time and it was none other than Connor Murphy. Who, for some reason, decided to ignore him from the first encounter.
It can't be that he doesn't recognize me, I look totally the same.
Although he also did not dare to start any kind of conversation. Half the time they avoided each other. Their biggest interactions were things like "Can I borrow a pen?" or "Today I will not sleep here." The second one usually used by Jared, as Connor did not warn when he disappeared for a few days. He wasn't going to complain either, but sometimes he couldn't help but worry. He got used to it at some point.
The months passed and their interactions did not increase at all, Connor disappeared a lot, and Jared was unable to concentrate in class. That year he had decided to choose more classes than the previous one, which was a mistake. He had entered by scholarship and thought if he chose more classes he could end up with a better average. But everything was increasing his stress. Some days he even left the house in pajamas without realizing it. Other days forgot his computer and had to continue the notes on a new sheet to clean them later. Other days he would get up late and could only hope that his class didn’t start yet.
This day was not very different from the rest. It was the beginning of the second quarter and they had decided to start strong with exams and classes, so Jared had already woken up quite distracted. He put on the first clothes he saw scattered around the desk, grabbed his backpack and went to his classes. He only shared one with Connor, pedagogy. "You used to miss class so much that I couldn't imagine you being a teacher" Jared tried to joke once, but of course Connor didn't answer him. He didn’t even knew why he had said that.
In his pedagogy class that day, Connor didn't show up. Although he did not give it much importance, his head was almost exploding from so much information and classes.
That was why, when he stretched out on his bed out of exhaustion he didn't even realize that Connor was at the desk writing in a notebook.
“Hey” Connor greeted.
Jared hit his head on the wall jumpscared. “Shit...” he murmured rubbing his head “Hey, hi” It was a little tense. They didn't usually greet each other.
Connor was about to open his mouth when Jared interrupted.
“Today I didn't see you in pedagogy” Silence fell again.
“I know” He thought for a while before continuing “Had an appointment at the doctor, am copying notes from the classes I've missed”
Oh. Jared just assumed that every time he didn't come or disappear it was to do skip school, just like High School.
“I know what you are probably thinking and no, every time I skip a class is not to go to the doctor” he took a deep breath “Sometimes I just need some peace”
“Is it bad?”
This conversation was the only one they had had for more than 5 seconds since they entered.
“Excuse me?”
“The doctor. Is everything ok?”
Connor bit his lip, as if doubting whether or not he should answer.
“Psychologist, actually” He didn't look him in the eye, he seemed embarrassed “I used to go to a psychiatrist, but I've been improving a bit so...” He started playing with his own hair "That's why I entered college one year late”
Jared nodded, surprised that he had opened up to him.
“From time to time I also go with a psychologist” Jared spat almost without thinking “When I can afford it, of course. Although I understand that we don't have the same reasons, I am not trying to compare it, just...”
“I understand. Thank you”
And for once he seemed sincere.
“Why did you say hello to me?”
Connor tensed a little.
“Shit, sorry” he approached him a little without getting up from the bed “I didn't want to sound mean with that, I... We have been avoiding each other, especially you. Why today was different?”
“I...”
“Is it because of High School?” He was getting nerveous, and the accumulated stress of classes did not help “I feel horrible for everything that happened, I never told you anything because, well, you were a little scary, and besides I was a very proud person and apologizing would be admitting that I am very impulsive when I speak and that I was not that different from Evan, who sometimes I made fun of for the same things that I did and...”
“God, shut your mouth”
“Sorry”
Connor pushed all of his hair back and sighed loudly.
“I didn't want to be the one who sounded mean now. M’sorry” He moved the chair he was in to Jared's bed “Look, I've been thinking about it for a while with my therapist and yes, I wanted to talk about this issue because it's obvious that there is an unresolved negative tension between us that is affecting the convivence, but I have not greeted you to talk about that- not now, at least”
Jared looked at him confused.
“Then?”
Connor pointed him.
“Your clothes. You have on my dirty clothes” He tried to hide his laugh.
Jared looked down at himself and definitely, that huge black Beatles t-shirt and those ripped long jeans that for some reason he hadn't realized were not his size, were Connor's.
He blushed in embarrassment at the situation.
“I’m dumb...”
“Don't worry” he laughed a little more freely this time “I just had them on for a bit to go out, I didn't even had time to sweat them”
Jared laughed with him.
“I'm really sorry for putting on your clothes, I saw them on the desk and I was late so I didn't stop to think.”
Connor shook his head.
“It doesn't look bad on you. A little big and it doesn't seem like your style, but...“ He got up to open his closet, a little tense still “I have a lot of long skirts and T-shirts from emo groups, you really were lucky with the choice”
“Sorry, but bold of you for assuming that I would not look as stylish as you with those skirts!”
That comment automatically relaxed Connor.
“We'll see”
“Yeah. We'll see”
As soon as Connor sat back in the chair, silence reigned in the room.
“Um, Jared...” He murmured, not trusting his voice “Going back to the other subject...”
“Sorry”
“We should talk about it some day, calmly. I can invite you to coffee if you want. Or tea. Or beer. Whatever you like” They both nodded. “I feel like we could end this silly tension between us, plus you don't seem like a bad guy...” He shrugged “Maybe we'll even get a friendship out of here”
For some reason, Jared smiled like never before.
“Seem right to me. And a little break from studying will do me good, really”
And they smiled.