Chapter Text
It’s about 2:00 in the morning when Jensen wakes abruptly, an inhale stalled in his lungs. The only light in the room is a faint green glow from the clock, the only movement light breeze from the ceiling fan. One leg is hanging out from the sheet but he’s still sweating. Blinking away the remnants of another nightmare, he presses on his eyes with the heels of his palms. After a moment, he pulls his hands away and waits for his eyes to adjust to the darkness; once they do, he instinctively looks at Jared. His hair is strewn all over his pillow, mouth slightly ajar. He looks so youthful and unbothered in his sleep. Jensen gently sweeps a few errant hairs from Jared’s face and allows himself a moment to drink him in before he moves quietly from the bed.
He walks in the darkness to the living room, taking care to move quietly. There he finds Harley and Sadie, blinking at him on the couch where they had been sleeping until he disturbed the peace. He beckons them with a soft whistle as he leads them to the guest room. They follow happily and look at him expectantly as he stands at the door for a moment and watches them stare up at him with their big, dark eyes. He gives them each a good rub on the head before he leaves, pulling the door closed behind him.
Back in the living room, he pauses and looks over the room. The house is still new to them; there are still little things they’re learning about it, trying to get used to. But it already has their prints all over. Jared's Xbox and games, a shelf of their favorite books, pictures of their families, Jensen’s guitar in the corner. His eyes fall on a picture of his parents. He doesn't know why someone put it out.
The scripts on the table catch his eye and his chest constricts to the point of pain. The thought of going back to set so soon steals the air from his lungs. He tears his eyes away and they land on a picture of Jared and himself from the year before on a ski trip. Their smiles huge and blinding, Jensen’s arm slung easily over Jared’s shoulder. He might as well be looking at strangers; he can’t look away from the photograph soon enough.
The next step has to be a note. Riffling through a drawer, he finds a pen and a pad of paper and scrawls a hasty message.
After he pulls on a pair of shoes, he quietly slips out the front door. It's dark and still outside, the air heavy with humidity; he takes a deep breath, but still feels like he can’t get any air. He pushes the achy twinge in his chest to the back of his mind; a constant companion. He walks slowly along the sidewalk before veering off the path when he comes to the park they frequent. His hand is wrapped tightly around the black case in his pocket and aches to pull it out. He knows there's more than enough medication there. His eyes slip shut and he leans wearily against a tree, and takes his phone out instead.
"Hello?" The voice is sleepy on the other end of the line and receives no answer. "Who is this?"
"It's me," Jensen says in a voice he barely recognizes as his own.
"Jensen? It’s the middle of the night." Donna tuts.
"Why didn't you do anything?"
"What are you talking about?" She asks, a hint of frustration lacing her tone.
"The photographer, Sean. Why didn't you do anything? I need to understand," He goes quiet, waiting for an answer that finally comes after a pregnant silence.
"I was taken aback. I knew you were different, no girlfriends, shy. So when I saw you two, it just made sense of so many things. I didn't want to stir up trouble. Some things are better left alone."
"You assumed I wanted it because I was different? I was fourteen years old. He was in his thirties,"
"You know your kind, things are different."
"My kind." He says quietly, tipping his head back and staring up at the branches above him.
"I was right, wasn't I? You did end up being a- a...well, being homosexual! I could smell it on you after you were with that man. I couldn't even bear to look at you."
He laughs, a hollow, brittle sound and shakes his head, refusing to give in to the sudden swell of emotion her dismissive words stir up. "Right. Right, of course not."
"Jensen, I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, but don't try to make me out to be something I'm not. I've accepted what you are-"
"That's really big of you, Mom. But just so you know, I didn't want it. Either time. So thank you for looking out for me." He hangs up before she can respond and hits his forehead with his phone before dropping it by his side with a frustrated groan, feeling so stupid for calling. So stupid for hoping she could offer him anything but more pain.
He looks down at the black case now out of his pocket and slides down the trunk of the tree to the ground. When he opens it he finds a pre-filled syringe that Jared always has ready, along with the vial containing the rest of the Dilaudid. He might as well just use all of it, just to be sure this time. Slipping the needle in, he stares at it for a moment before injecting the medication. As he slides the needle out, he watches a bead of blood, black in the moonlight, well up on his arm. He fills the syringe again and takes a measured breath as he stares into the night; straightening his arm, he slides the needle in a second time. His thumb twitches on the plunger as he stares at it, trying to ignore the little itch in his mind keeping him from pressing down.
He promised. He promised. He hates himself for promising. But, he picks up the phone again.
"Jensen?" Dr. Wells asks, picking up after a single ring. "Are you there?"
"I’m here,"
"Where is here?" She asks.
"I-,”
"Where are you, Jensen? Are you safe?"
"At the park."
"Talk to me,”
"I don't know what you want me to say.”
"Whatever pops into your mind. What are you doing at the park?"
"I had to get out of the house. I just took a dose...I want to take more. I’m, I’m-," He closes his eyes and exhales shakily.
"Alright, I’m glad you called me. Can we talk before you make any decisions?”
“Okay,”
“Okay.” She agrees softly. “Why did you have to get out of the house?"
"Because...I couldn't let Jared be the one- couldn't let him find me. You can call the police, right? I don’t want anyone else to find me,"
"Whether or not you're in the house, whether or not he finds you, your actions are still going to impact Jared."
"It’s for the best in the long term. I’m so bad for him, I’m so bad-, he’ll get over me," Jensen chokes out.
“Jensen…there is no reality in which Jared will ever get over losing you.”
His eyes well up as he lets his head fall back against the tree. "I just- I don’t know how to keep doing this, ’m so tired,"
"I know you're tired and I know you're hurting. But this feeling right now? That this is your only option? It’s going to pass. It’s going to pass soon. So, while you wait for that to happen, talk to me and focus on step one. Get up.”
"Just get up," Jensen says.
"Just get up, you know the way home."
"Okay,"
"Good, how about we keep each other company as you walk back?"
Jensen pulls the needle out of his arm and zips the case up. He stands and shoves the meds in his pocket. "Not much to say."
"That's okay." She says easily.
"I called my mom." He offers.
"Oh?"
"I didn't mean to. I guess I just needed to know why. She knew everything...she just assumed I was into it since I was gay,"
"That sounds like a difficult conversation."
"I didn't realize..." He mutters to himself, raising his eyebrow at his phone when he hears Dr. Wells ask what he means. "Jared said she's a bad mother, and she is. But she’s really just a bad person and just 'cause she was nicer to Mack or Josh doesn't mean she was a good mom to them. She twists everything."
"Yes, and her failures and flaws are her responsibility and hers alone."
"I’m just about home, I need to go."
“Can you please have Jared call me?”
"Sure." He buries the phone in his pocket and stares up the path to the front door. Just as he's worked up the courage to go inside, the door flies open and Jared rushes out. He doesn't even notice Jensen at first as he slams the door shut behind himself. And then he looks up and stops dead in his tracks.
"Oh fuck," The air rushes out of his lungs as he hurries to Jensen, pulling him into a hug tight enough to hurt. "Oh my god," Jared mumbles into Jensen's hair. "Are you okay?" He asks, suddenly pulling away and scanning Jensen from head to toe.
"I'm okay,"
"Come on," Jared says, ushering him into the house. "What happened?" Jared pauses and takes a deep breath, tamping down the anxiety raging inside.
"I- I woke up...wished I hadn't. I couldn’t imagine a time when it’d be different, a way things could ever be okay. I didn’t want to ruin home for you again, so I left. I just walked. Ended up in the park."
"And?" Jared prods after Jensen goes silent.
Jensen sits on the couch and hugs his knees to his chest. He stares at some fixed point in the distance, stubbornly refusing to meet Jared’s eyes. "I called Mom...not a good idea. I was so close, Jare," He says, eyes flicking to Jared so briefly that Jared almost missed it. "Figured I had enough meds to do the job. But, here I am. Still here,"
"Thank god. When I woke up I looked everywhere for you and then I found your- your note." Jared’s voice breaks as he sits heavily in the chair next to Jensen.
"What'd it say?" Jensen asks.
"What?" Jared asks. "What did the note say?"
Jensen squeezes his eyes shut. "I can't remember."
"Uh," Jared's voice is pained. "Not much. 'please don’t be mad. remember Harley's appointment, love j’ ."
"Oh,"
“I was so scared,” Jared has to look away from Jensen before he really loses it. "I- I know you-, it's okay. You're back, you’re okay. What can I do?"
"Call Dr. Wells, let her know I’m here."
"Okay." Jared says, grabbing his cell phone. "Can you get some sleep?" Jared asks softly when he gets off the phone a few moments later.
Jensen shakes his head.
"Alright. Can I sit with you?"
"Yeah." Jensen mumbles into his knees. Jared sits next to him, close enough that their bodies are pressed lightly together. He closes his eyes and lets Jared’s body heat to seep into his skin.
"Were-," Jared starts and then stops abruptly.
"You can talk to me,"
"Were you serious? Were you really going to do it?"
Jensen knows what Jared wants to hear and he wants to lie, just to offer him any bit of peace he can. But he can’t do that anymore, he’s too tired and Jared deserves better. "Yeah. It was close. Part of me still wishes I’d just gotten it over with."
Jared nods, an uncontrolled jerk of his head, and swallows around the painful lump in his throat. "Why didn't you?"
"I promised Dr. Wells I’d talk to her first if I ever felt that way. So I called her, and then I thought of you. And I'm supposed to be your partner...I can't-, I don’t want to do that to you," Jensen’s breath stutters and he clears his throat. "I'm trying, Jay. I know I keep saying that and you deserve so much more, but I- I keep trying so hard to be- to be better, to be,"
"Hey, hey.” Jared turns to Jensen and holds his face in his hands to help ground him and stave off the panic he can hear in his voice. “I know you are,"
"My mom..." Jensen says suddenly, turning away. “She knew both times. She figured out I was a fag and that's what fags are after right? So I had to want it. She basically said that, right- directly to me. And you were right, she’s a bad person. I never really thought of her that way before. I knew she wasn't perfect, but it just kind of hit me at that moment how cruel and selfish she is. She might have screwed me up more than Mack or Josh 'cause I was different and my problems were so big. But she wasn't a good mother to any of us. It was a relief. That it’s not me, it’s not me that there’s something wrong with. And my dad he-, he just goes along with everything she wants. He doesn’t care enough to fight for anything. Anyone. I don’t think I realized how much that weighed on me all these years,"
"I'm sorry, Jen."
Jensen shakes his head. "I don’t need them. We have your parents."
Tears pool in Jared's eyes and he nods, wishing all of the sudden that his mom and dad were there. "Damn straight."
"Think I'm ready to go to bed." Jensen says, exhausted.
"C'mon." Jared helps him up.
In the bedroom, Jared makes sure Jensen is settled and lies down next to him. He sighs and his eyes fall shut as he tries not to think of how the night almost went. Of what it would have been like to wake up in the morning to an empty bed and that phone call. He shivers involuntarily as he feels Jensen shift next to him, then a warm hand on his chest.
"I'm sorry." Jensen says on an exhale. He focuses on Jared's heartbeat beneath his fingers and tries to stay in the moment. It's so easy for his thoughts to stray right now, to places he definitely isn't in any shape to handle. He can feel Jared take another deep breath and forces himself to mimic it. "You can be mad,"
"I'm not." Jared replies, too quickly.
"You are. And it’s okay," Jensen pauses and bites his lip. "I wanted...I wanted to stop existing. Just, blink away, like I was never even here at all. So you could be happy and I could be free,” His voice breaks and he takes a deep breath to steady himself. “I wish that was possible. But the only way to get out of all this right now is to die, and leave an even bigger mess behind for everyone else. And that’s not what I want. Just a transference of suffering, an endless cycle. I was ready to go tonight. Last month. When I was seventeen. And for each of those times there are thousands of other times where I only thought about it or wished for it. It crosses my mind every day, most days more than once. It would be so easy. This weight, the memories, the pain. All gone. Nothingness scares people, but it- it sounds like heaven to me,”
“‘Cause every morning I wake up and the first thought that runs through my head is ‘God, it hurts.' and the second is 'I can't do this anymore.’ But tonight, I didn't do it, and last month, I didn't do it. All the times I think about it and it doesn’t go further than that…it’s because my next thought is always-, it's always-," His breath hitches as Jared's hand closes over his. "It's always about you. It's why-,"
"Why you put yourself through hell," Jared says roughly.
"You’re worth it.” Jensen says. “You’re worth all of it. And I have to believe that eventually, I’ll want to stay for myself. That it’ll be worth it for me. "
Jared’s grip on Jensen's hand tightens. "What happens if it’s not true at some point? If you don't- if you can’t think of me after you think of those other things?"
"I don't know. I hope that will never happen. If it does...I think it's safe to say I wouldn't- wouldn't really be me anymore. I know it's not fair, but I hope you’d forgive me. You have to know how bad it would have to be, how messed up I would have to be, for that to happen. And I know I'd be sorry. I would be not- not the me that left,"
Jensen takes in a deep breath and tries to push away the tightness in his chest. He lets out a shaky breath. "I love you, Jay. I really, really do."
Jared kisses Jensen’s forehead. "I know. I love you too, Jen. No matter what happens."
________________________
When Jensen wakes up the next morning, it's to the sound of Jared speaking on the phone in hushed, irritated tones. He can't hear everything Jared is saying, he must be pacing because his voice keeps fading in and out. He isn't thrilled with the bits he does manage to catch. Things like "I know he's at risk-" followed by, “He'd be worse off!” and "That's not what he needs!". He sighs and rubs his eyes, relieved that if nothing else, his shoulder isn't too bad.
A moment later, Jared walks into the bedroom just as Jensen is pulling his sling off. "Hey," He says, clipped.
"'Mornin'" Jensen rasps. "Doc pushin' meds or the funny farm? Both?" He asks, not making eye contact.
Jared moves the sling aside and sits next to Jensen. "I wish you wouldn’t call it that. She suggests you consider an inpatient program."
"She pretty much has to say that."
"Yeah." Jared yawns and rubs his eyes.
“You’re exhausted,” Jensen says.
“Nah, just a little tired.”
“You stayed up all night, didn’t you?” Jensen asks.
“I-, yeah. I couldn’t get back to sleep.”
“Did you even try?”
Jared shakes his head.
“You know, you can’t watch me all the time.”
“Wanna bet?” Jared snaps.
Jensen shakes his head. “I know I scared you and you’re worried. But you can’t drive yourself into the ground. You can’t look after me all the time.”
“If our situations were reversed you know you’d do the exact same thing,” Jared says. “Anyway, I’m fine. It was one night.”
Jensen watches Jared carefully for a moment before speaking quietly. “Dr. Wells might have a point,”
“What?” Jared asks, surprise and…something else, washing over his features. “You think-, you want to go into a program?”
Jensen blinks at him, taken aback by the heat in Jared's voice. "No," he says carefully. "I don’t want to, I’m not too fond of the idea of being sent off to be fixed, considering my past experiences. But…more importantly, I don’t want any of this to be on you.” He pauses and shakes his head. "We’re partners. S’posed to be, anyway. You shouldn’t have to take care of me,"
Jared is silent for a moment, fingers working nervously. “I’m terrified all the time,” He admits, looking anywhere but at Jensen. “I might blink too long and miss something and lose you forever. But I want to take care of you, just like you’ve always taken care of me. That’s part of what being partners means, Jensen. Good times and bad. We help each other carry the load. Right?”
“Yeah. Yeah, right.” Jensen takes Jared’s hand, fingers tightening anxiously. “I think…I need to tell you about the camp. I’ve been holding on to it for so long, I’ve never told anyone anything about it, besides how it ended. But it’s eating at me, you know? I need to get it out of my head. Or just...if it's not a secret, maybe it won't feel so huge. And then we’ve gotta figure out what’s next. ‘Cause if me being here isn’t good for you then I-, I’ll do whatever I need to do. One of those programs, whatever.”
Jared swallows around the lump in his throat. “Jen,” He rasps. “Just being here, fighting as hard as you do…is good for me. And you never need to thank me, we’re in this together. We have been from day one. That’s never gonna change.”
Jensen swipes a tear away and takes a measured breath. "I need you to let me get through this. No interruptions, okay?”
Jared nods, a knot already forming in the pit of his stomach.
"Okay. Okay. I-,” Jensen’s chest heaves and he flounders. “I don’t know if I can,”
“Hey,” Jared holds Jensen’s face between his hands. “I’m right here with you. You got out, Jensen. You’re in control,”
Jensen nods and takes a deeper breath.
“You know you don’t have to do this now, it’s been a hell of a day,”
“No, no, I need to. I have to.” Jensen steels himself, and takes the plunge. “That day...it was just me and my dad. He dropped me off. He didn’t come inside. Said ‘Here we are. Go on, boy.’ And I did. I went inside, walked in of my own accord because I was- I was so scared, but I knew if I didn’t go in they’d drag me in or wouldn’t let me ever go home. There was an old woman with bad teeth at the front desk and she smiled at me and asked my name. A big guy in a white uniform took me to my room. I shared it with another kid, he was probably 15 years old. The room was empty except for two beds and a closet. There was a window with metal grating over it and a fluorescent light that never stopped buzzing.”
“Dinner was soup and crackers. Every night, soup and crackers, every lunch, soup and crackers. Every morning oatmeal. No time outside unless you earned it, which nobody ever did. No one was good enough. There were fluorescent lights everywhere. Everything was old and worn, and white or green. At night, the same fluorescent lights. They never turned them off, not even to sleep. Bedtime at 8:00, breakfast at 5:30. No personal items, no books, no paper, no games, no TV, no music, except hymns. Everyday we’d have individual therapy and group therapy. Go around in a circle. State your name. State your age. State your condition. Recite the pledge. I still remember it; still catch myself reciting it.”
“‘I am remorseful and repentant for my deviant thoughts and unnatural behaviors. I acknowledge the grave sin I have committed; that I am sick and unworthy of God’s love. God will forgive and heal me, and save me from damnation if I open my heart and soul to his word, his servants and the counsel of my elders.’ ”
“Say the pledge upon waking. Say the pledge before meals. Say the pledge before therapy. Say the pledge before bed. Read the bible and their literature between breakfast and lunch. Every other day, test for homosexual tendencies and administer electroconvulsive therapy. Apply appropriate punishments for inappropriate responses. Even a blink would be taken as a sign of attraction. Appropriate punishments include one or more of the following, based on how inappropriate the response to the test: loss of meal privilege, sleep deprivation, shock treatments."
“I’d always blink. I’d always blink,” He says, emotion flooding back into his voice. “I think I- I lost something in there. I never felt quite the same again,”
Jared stares at him, his expression full of compassion and concern. "I’m so sorry, Jen No one should ever have to go through something like that. I don't know what to say."
“You don’t need to say anything,”
“Can I touch you?”
Jensen nods and Jared immediately wraps him up in his arms, wishing he never had to let go.
++
Jared’s nerves are frayed and after the events of the previous night and Jensen’s confession about the camp, he’s not sure what he should be doing. Jensen’s been acting strange since their talk; floaty and disconnected. So, he calls Dr. Wells.
"Jared?" She answers, sounding surprised. "You weren't too happy with me all of 30 minutes ago, what's up?
"Jensen told me about the conversion camp.” Jared spills.
"Alright...how’d that go? Should I come over?"
"I don't know. I don't know-,"
"Tell me what happened."
"He said he needed to talk about it, he went through the whole thing. Kind of…emotionless, mostly, until the end."
Dr. Wells hums. "This was a big step for him, Jared. I had a feeling he was going to open up about it soon. I hoped it'd be in a session, but I'm not surprised he needed it to be you."
"He asked for some time alone, in a safe room with the door cracked.” Jared says. “But I’m still scared,”
"Just stay close and we'll see what we're actually dealing with."
Jared shakes his head. "That camp…it sounded more like a prison, a nasty one."
"And we'll help him deal with that."
"He said I can’t be responsible for him. Can’t watch him all the time,"
"Some people have needs too complicated for a loved one to handle. But, Jensen’s…coming to a turning point, I think. Not to sound cliché but, there’s a reason they say it’s darkest before the dawn."
He clears his throat and brushes away a few stray tears. "Yeah," He says roughly. "It’s just- after that night, it's just been one awful revelation after another. And each time I think 'How can this be real? How is this his life? And then I think, 'Okay, it's awful, but we can get through it together, he's come this far. We've come this far. It has to get better from here.' but then...a day later, a week later, a month later, another kick in the teeth. Everything gets thrown off balance again. My chest feels like it's being ripped open, again . It just doesn't stop. Sometimes it's so heavy and moving forward feels impossible. And then I think, 'This is how I feel? How does he even make it out of bed? Why hasn't he just gone through with it and ended it all?' What kind of assholes are we for trying to keep him here when he’s in this kind of pain? When his whole life, he’s been in this kind of pain? It's all fucked up, it's so fucked..." He wipes away more tears and tries to even out his breathing.
“Jared. He has so much life to live and so much to look forward to. You both do.”
He nods jerkily through his tears. “I know,” He breathes. “I know.”
++
Jared finds Jensen staring out the window, still and stiff. He doesn't move toward him, he’d have to be blind to miss the untouchable energy emanating from Jensen. "Are you alright?" He asks quietly.
"Yes." No. "Maybe. I don't know, I just feel..." Jensen trails off as he clenches his fists at his sides.
"What can I do?"
Jensen just shakes his head in response.
"How about a shower? Might help you relax." Jared suggests.
"Okay,"
Jensen doesn't head toward the bathroom, so Jared gently leads him that direction. When they get inside, he turns the water on and looks back to Jensen, still standing just where he left him. "Here," He says quietly as he grasps the hem of Jensen's shirt and carefully pulls it off, not missing Jensen’s grimace as he gingerly lowers his right arm. "Meds?"
Jensen shakes his head as he pushes his sweatpants and boxers down in one fluid motion.
"It's been a while," Jared says.
Jensen huffs. "Not really in the mood at this particular moment." He says, testing the water before stepping in the shower. "But you can join me if you want," He offers.
"No, that’s not- that's not what I meant." Jared laughs, unreasonably nervous. "I meant a while since you had meds, are you really okay?"
"Achy, but I can handle it. Coming?" He asks, motioning at Jared to get in.
Jared doesn't wait to be asked again. He watches the muscles in Jensen's back shift as he drops his head to let the warm water spray over his neck and back. He takes a deep breath and steps behind Jensen, wrapping his arms gently around him.
Jensen tenses, just for a moment before letting his head fall back to rest on Jared's shoulder. He exhales and surprises Jared when he starts talking.
"After the first couple rounds of shock therapy, I started getting awful headaches. So bad I'd end up throwing up until bedtime, so bad I couldn't sleep. After the first week I started to forget things. Where I was, how long I’d been there. Then I started- started missing words. I just couldn't find it sometimes. That never really went away. Filming, when I have trouble with lines? That's usually why. I don't forget the line, I just can't find the word." Jared's arms tighten around him.
"The next day I'd be exhausted, sore all over. After lunch they'd pull me in for behavior modification therapy. They'd show pictures, sometimes videos, of women and men in various states of undress. I guess in a way the ECT was good because I'd be so tired that I wouldn't react to much of anything. But it didn't take much. Sometimes, it didn't take anything. They’d see whatever they wanted. About half the time they'd just take my meal privileges, which was fine 'cause I wasn't hungry anyway. Other times they'd use shock treatment, to the hands mostly, but sometimes...it felt like all afternoon you could hear some poor kid in there, and the other kids were having breakdowns just from hearing them," Jensen shakes his head.
"What?" Jared asks, voice rough and quiet.
"What you said before, about that night? That I handled it well even though I had no training being tortured, guess that's not really true."
"It's still true." He says into Jensen's hair. He unwraps his arms and turns Jensen to face him, cupping his face in his hands and ducking his head so that he's in Jensen's line of sight. "Look at you," He says reverently as his thumb traces a circle on Jensen's cheek. "You're so good and kind; true to yourself. Those things they did, they went through a lot of trouble to take part of you away, to make you something else. But they never could, you didn’t let them. You hear me?"
Jensen nods almost imperceptibly and licks his bottom lip before pulling it into his mouth. He stares at Jared, letting his eyes roam over his face.
"Jen,"
"Quiet." Jensen begs. "Everything else…everyone else, I don't want them here now. Right now, it's just us." He steps closer and places his palm on Jared's face, much like Jared had just done. "Sometimes I forget to really look at you and I start to forget your face. I get lost in my own world and it feels almost like you don't even exist anymore. Like I’m alone," He places a chaste kiss on Jared's lips, pulling away before Jared can even begin to kiss back. "When I come back and you're there, I could just stare at you forever, reminding myself you're real. That feeling- when it's like you're gone? Or maybe never were there to begin with," He shakes his head. "It's the most terrifying thing I've ever felt; it feels real. Makes sense to me, because how- how could I actually have something, someone, so good?"
Jared takes a shaky breath, trying to school his expression, to keep his emotions out of this and just listen. But Jensen sees and reads him so effortlessly.
"Don't feel sorry for me." Jensen says, as his fingers lightly trace down Jared's arm, goosebumps erupting in the wake. "You're here, you're always here. Jared…we're forever, aren’t we?" Jensen asks quietly, searching his eyes.
Jared pulls him a little closer. "Forever." He confirms.