Chapter Text
The kiss wasn’t soft.
It wasn’t particularly romantic either. It was rushed and frustrated and full of an emotion so lost that it broke his heart.
By the time he pulled away, eyes downcast and face full of shame, Alberu had already made a decision.
He closed the gap between them again, causing the despondent emotions to fly away from Cale’s pale features.
This kiss wasn’t soft either. It probably wasn’t romantic.
But it meant everything to him to be closer to this precious person.
Alberu woke up with a start.
…was that a dream? A memory? A fantasy?
He couldn’t be sure.
It was awkward, now that he was awake, because the man in his dream had his dongsaeng’s face. Or at least, the face that he recognized as such.
But in the dream he only recognized it as Cale Henituse, not the one he’d come to think of as a brother but the one who had become a central feature of his thoughts for the past few days.
It made neatly dividing up the two in his head more complicated as well.
In the dream, or memory, or whatever it was, he’d felt that swelling emotion that was impossible to control. Associated it was Cale and lost himself inside of it.
He’d never felt such an emotion with his dongsaeng and he wasn’t sure how to reconcile the dissonance that was beginning to make a home inside of him.
These incongruent emotions about Cale, a past he had little to knowledge of, and the ‘body’ that had held such different people inside of it.
He’d thought ever since the first time he found out about his dongsaeng’s transmigration that he’d never be able to consider another person as the ‘owner’ of that body because he’d only ever met one Cale.
It was getting complicated and strange and he still didn’t know how to address the feelings that were leftover from the ‘dream’.
The emotions that were so vivid he could cry.
He felt that it had to be a ‘memory’ because even if he were to fantasize about Cale, he would likely think about the man in the appearance of Kim Rok Soo. And the emotions were just… too much for just a dream.
But how would he get a peek at a future that didn’t even exist?
Why was any of this happening to begin with?
…why did he want to see Cale so badly that he could cry?
It made sense to him, at least for now as he soaked in the intensity of those emotions, how he might have broken his promises to himself. He didn’t know why or how or when they would have developed, but the emotions were too undeniable to resist.
It only made it more confusing because they weren’t truly ‘his’.
The person who had looked at Cale with such passion and sought out his lips in a desperate frenzy of emotion hadn’t been ‘him’. While they were the same person and could potentially walk the same path, Alberu hadn’t currently developed any such emotion towards Cale.
At the best, he could label his current interest as a ‘crush’. A simple attraction towards a person he enjoyed the company of.
It was absolutely nothing to the fervent and wholehearted love that tore him up inside.
It scared him too.
Whatever emotions he might develop for Cale, whether it be a crush or eventually that same passionate love, it would always be a doomed romance.
Even putting aside the mystery of how their relationship had ended, a mystery that he now could not understand at all because that brief memory had established quite firmly that he wouldn’t ever want to let Cale go, they didn’t even live in the same reality.
Cale was living as Kim Rok Soo in Korea with an adopted child-mother and Alberu lived in Roan preparing to take the throne.
It just wasn’t practical.
Who knew how long the strange reality teleportation would last either. Perhaps it would continue for years without solution or perhaps last night was the last time and he would never again see that place or Cale again.
That was probably the best solution.
Alberu didn’t want to fall in love. Not that scary overpowering love that he’d felt so strongly as though it was his own.
He didn’t want to experience what it was like to fall that hard for Cale and then lose him.
Alberu sat up in bed, leaning against the headboard with his fingers tracing his lips.
It felt real.
Why had Cale looked so upset after kissing him?
Why was the scene so bittersweet?
Was that the first kiss? The last?
Why the hell had they broken up to begin with?
He’d promised himself that he wouldn’t spend so much time thinking about these unimportant details when there were so many real and important matters to settle. He’d promised himself he’d set aside whatever ‘relationship’ he’d had with Cale to focus on what mattered .
He realized belatedly that this mattered to him.
He wasn’t so cold-hearted that he wouldn’t care about this. Nor was he so disinterested that he didn’t want to know.
It wasn’t important. He knew that. He knew that on the grand scale of things that everything else that was happening at this point of time was important . He wasn’t just anyone, he was the future ruler of a kingdom. He needed to have proper priorities to ensure the happiness and safety of his people. Or even just the success of his own political ambitions.
He knew.
But he couldn’t help himself.
Even more troubling than the memory, his lack of focus, or his uncertain future was that he was still in Roan.
Instead of going to Korea like the previous two times he’d fallen asleep, this time he’d woken up in his own bed after that vivid dream.
The cool night air marked that he hadn’t even been asleep that long but he didn’t think he’d be able to make it back to sleep after that dream.
It was probably for the best. He hadn’t managed to find any answers in the daytime and seeing Cale would have only confused him further. His dongsaeng was currently unreachable, something that concerned him but it happened frequently enough that he knew better than to question it, and he’d already dredged up all the information he could possibly find on the original Cale Henituse.
He didn’t dare ask Cale’s loved ones, he had no intention of revealing the issues of transmigration to people who might have more complex feelings about it than his own. Choi Han and Raon had both only ever met one Cale, the same as him before this incident.
There was no one with answers. Alberu had a feeling that even when he finally got ahold of his dongsaeng that he might have all that many answers either.
He was this close to dragging Saint Jack over to question the Sun God because that entity surely had something to do with the state of his body.
“...why did he look ashamed?”
It bothered him. The Cale he’d come to know in their brief interactions was the epitome of shamelessness. He moved at his own pace and didn’t wait for the world to follow him. He treated Alberu with a level of contentious friendliness that most people wouldn’t dare.
And yet, his face had simply fallen apart after kissing Alberu. Miserably wretched and daring Alberu to mock him for being so pathetic.
It hurt to think of that face.
Whatever had been between them was doubtlessly complicated, Alberu knew that from the beginning, but he hadn’t felt it like he did now.
He hid his face behind his arm, letting out a frustrated sigh. “...I want to see him.”
The love wasn’t his. He knew that and even now, it faded from his heart as the borrowed emotion that it always was. But his attraction, affection, interest, curiosity, and longing were all decidedly his own emotions.
Cale had made an impression in such a short period of time.
It made Alberu realize how screwed his other self had been from the beginning. Alberu had two days of Cale and the man haunted his thoughts. Twenty some years of Cale? Alberu didn’t know how the other him had managed.
Perhaps that’s why they’d ended things. Cale had driven Alberu to a point of madness that could no longer be tolerated. He chuckled at the bizarre concept.
‘Ah, he’s not coming, is he?’
Alberu startled at the unexpected voice, suddenly alert and searching his room for the source.
There was no one there and… he recognized the voice.
‘Bastard could have at least returned my jacket. Haaa, why the fuck did I bother cleaning? I’m an idiot.’
It was definitely him. Alberu’s brow furrowed as he pinched himself, testing to see if he was still within the confines of a dream.
…was he now going to hear Cale’s thoughts across dimensions? What sort of bizarre twist of fate was this?
He would definitely need to interrogate the Sun God… somehow.
‘...he shouldn’t have come to begin with if he was going to just disappear like this…’
Alberu felt his insides knott. There was unmistakable pain to the thoughts. He suddenly wished very much that he could control this aberrant ability. This felt invasive.
Cale didn’t know he was listening. Alberu couldn’t attest to knowing Cale very well but he knew that the man was intensely private. He definitely would not be okay with Alberu peeking in on his thoughts like this.
‘Bastard never bothers to consider how he affects people. What a dick. Look at me, I’m King Alberu Crossman, I know how to push people away and manipulate them for the greater good or some shit–oooh, what’s this? Cale Henituse? Let’s fuck with him for a bit to get a good old laugh. Seriously, fuck that guy.’
Some of Alberu’s guilt faded at the unfair depiction of his character as presented by the bitter thoughts of Cale. Or perhaps he was just miffed that while he’d been agonizing over Cale, the man was cursing him.
Really, what had his other self done to deserve such condemnation?
He stood up from bed and headed to his desk. He definitely wouldn’t be getting any more sleep so he might as well get a headstart on work.
‘I bet that bastard is working the night away without a care in the world. Work-a-holic is going to send himself to an early grave but does he listen to me? No –seriously do I have to suck his fucking dick to get him to go to bed ?!’
Alberu wanted earplugs. Badly. Unfortunately he was already aware they wouldn’t do anything for his situation. What was more upsetting? The fact that Cale had somehow accurately divined his current intentions to work through the night or the vivid imagery that Cale’s crude words attempted to form inside of his brain.
He didn’t need to become haunted by those sorts of thoughts on top of everyone else.
… had Cale done that before?
No. It didn’t matter. He wasn’t going to think about it.
He really, really, really wasn’t going to think about it.
Red faced and embarrassed, Alberu tried very hard to focus on the trade agreement he’d been reviewing on his desk.
‘What a bastard.’
Could he just stop insulting for just one minute? Alberu really wanted to chime in to defend his honor. Or to even just inform Cale to be careful with his thoughts because Alberu was privy to far too many of them.
‘Haaa… what am I doing focusing on him again… it’s not like he ever fucking cared about me.’
“Excuse me!?”
Alberu stood up from his desk, palms slammed down on the table and glared at the wall.
He’d taken the other insults in stride, mostly because he knew it was directed at his other self and he really didn’t know enough about their history to comment but that–
–that was wrong –
‘Used me, got what he wanted, and dipped out. Good to know he’s still just as good at pretending to give a fuck.’
What.
What the fuck had his other self done ?!
He was at least ninety percent sure that the ‘dream’ had been a ‘memory’ from the other life. Only lacking absolute certainty because Alberu didn’t easily assign absolutes without hard evidence.
He knew the emotion that had surged through him because it was still lingering inside of him and playing havoc with his heart.
That aside, he knew that he’d already grown fond of Cale in the short time he’d known him. If nothing else, at the very least as a friend.
‘What did I expect? He saw trash and trash is all there was. I was an easy person to fool. What a fucking bastard–I should just kick him to the street if he shows up again.’
“...this is driving me crazy.” Alberu rubbed his temples. Was this going to be his whole night? Listening to vague accusations against a future him who apparently played with Cale’s feelings and left him hanging?
He couldn't imagine it. For starters he just wasn’t that sort of person. Even if he had disliked Cale, something he was certain he didn’t, Alberu wasn’t the type to lead people on like that.
If any of that was true, he was seriously starting to doubt that Cale’s ex was even him.
‘...fuck it, that’s too much work. Who the fuck am I kidding? If I could kick him out, I would have already.’
The thought was wretched.
It felt like it belonged to the face that had looked so ashamed after one hurried kiss.
It hurt to hear.
Was there really no way to stop himself from hearing this? Guilt gnawed inside of him. Cale wouldn’t want anyone to hear this. He hadn’t consented to sending Alberu his thoughts. He hadn’t agreed to share his pain.
As curious as Alberu had been just a bit ago he realized with sudden clarity that he wanted to hear it from Cale.
Not like this. Not in this intrusive invasion of Cale’s privacy.
He wanted Cale to talk to him. To trust him with this information. To be able to apologize for the messy misunderstanding that his other self had clearly created.
‘It sucks when you’re the only one in love.’
Ow.
It hurt.
He couldn’t even say why exactly it hurt so much but it hurt . A stabbing pain in his chest that made him want to rush to Cale’s side and shake him silly.
A pain that filled him with energy but made him feel so pitifully weak at the same time.
It hurt because it was true. At least at the moment, if what Cale felt towards him was truly love, then it was at least currently one-sided. And if Alberu had his way, it would remain that way so that he wouldn’t be dragged into the inevitable heartbreak.
It hurt because it wasn’t true. Not in the past that Cale experienced. Even setting aside Alberu’s aberrant memory, he knew that he wouldn’t break his own rules for anything less than love. In fact, it would take more than love to make him break his promises to himself. He knew that the pain Cale was experiencing was unwarranted.
…so why had he broken his heart?
Why couldn’t that have been the memory that Alberu had experienced? He couldn’t help but feel bitter that it had been only that contextless kiss and nothing else.
He wanted to hit himself but he couldn’t even say why. Just for hurting Cale? He had to have had good reasons, even if he couldn’t imagine what those reasons would be.
It was complicated and messy and painful and he couldn’t focus on this damn trade agreement because Cale ‘I live to be an enigma’ Henituse was quite literally haunting his thoughts.
His thoughts were silent for a long time after that though. So much so that Alberu thought that he’d finally been mercifully released from the purgatory of listening in on Cale’s thoughts.
He’d even managed to review the paperwork after calming his nerves down and then after he’d calmed them down twice more, he was able to actually understand what he’d reviewed.
‘...I miss his touch.’
“Oh god no.”
What was he supposed to do if Cale’s thoughts continued down that direction? Face hot with fearful anticipation and embarrassment, Alberu dropped the paperwork down onto his desk.
‘For a heartless bastard, he gave really good hugs.’
“…”
Alberu buried his face into his hands.
“Haaa… I really am going crazy…”
What did he think Cale was going to say? Was he hoping for that ? His face colored with mortified embarrassment as he realized how dirty his thoughts had become. He really was–
‘A good fuck too.’
“GODDAMNIT!”
There was probably at least one guard outside of Alberu’s room that was wondering about his sanity right now. Or at the very least considering coming in to check on the crown prince’s health and well-being.
Alberu had no space in his thoughts for that though. He was pacing his room with desperate fervor in hopes of finding a way to plug these one sided thoughts.
So their relationship had been intimate. He’d already considered that possibility. They would have both been healthy adults at the time, Cale was well aware of his true appearance, there was no reason their relationship wouldn’t have been a bit… sensual.
But there were just so many reasons that Alberu didn’t want to think about the details of that entire vague possibility.
Just so many reasons .
Alberu let out a shaky sigh, leaning against a wall as he prepared himself for the worst. What sort of horribly carnal details would be forever trapped in his mind because of this unbidden connection?
‘Bastard really made me feel like he actually… ha, well, he’s a good actor in bed as well.’
…damn. Just damn.
Why was that so much worse than hearing strange sexual details?
He clenched his jaw and closed his eyes.
Cale hadn’t even been able to bring himself to think that Alberu had feelings for him. Cale thought that even during such intimacy it was all some sort of scheme. Cale…
…Cale hadn’t been truly unkind to him a single time…
It struck Alberu like a slap to the face.
If Alberu had experienced the same. Felt so used and abandoned by someone he truly loved, he couldn’t imagine opening his home to them the way Cale had done. Yes, he’d been rude and bitter and a bit discourteous but never once was he truly unkind.
He thought deep in his heart that Alberu was the sort of man who would do such a thing to him and still …
“Dammit…”
He’d taken Alberu around town, laughed with him, showed him around, indulged his invasive questions, and saved his life.
“...are you just an idiot?”
Who would do that for someone who hurt them like that?
Alberu felt bitter. He wanted to meet his other self, he wanted to slap some sense into Cale, he wanted to go back in time to a few days ago. Before he knew any of this.
Ignorance truly was bliss.
And the same way that he wanted to eradicate this miserable misunderstanding, he knew that it wouldn’t do any good.
If he confessed to Cale that he’d been listening to his thoughts it would only cause the man further pain. If he explained that, actually, Alberu had loved him despite the ending, what would that give Cale?
The knowledge that the man who broke his heart had done so while caring about him? How did that make anything better ? Besides–there was no future to this ‘relationship’.
Exhaustion weighed down Alberu’s body as he sank back onto the mattress, clenching his eyes shut to block out his own thoughts about giving Cale false hope or damaging his heart further.
Why was it so complicated ?
Why couldn’t it just be simple?
What he would give for a world where there was no reason to consider any of these complications. A time or place where he was just Alberu and Cale was just Cale and there wasn’t a complicated past or future hanging above them.
It was a silly thought. Clearly even when there had been less complications between them, it hadn’t worked out. And besides, Alberu wasn’t in love.
He just knew that he would be if it kept going like this.
‘...I want to see him…’
“Yeah. Me too.”
At the very least, they had reached agreement there.
Confusing, painful, frustrating, and agonizing and all he wanted was to see Cale. He didn’t know what he’d say or do. He didn’t know what the right thing to do or say was.
He just wanted to see him.
‘Fuck you, Alberu Crossman. I hope someone throws a wine bottle at your head.’
Alberu snorted, it was such a specific curse that he wondered if it had anything to do with their past. Or maybe it was simple because the ‘trash’ Cale had thrown lots of bottles at people before.
“Yeah, I probably deserved that.” He chuckled, closing his eyes in hopes of getting at least some sleep before dawn. He knew he wasn’t getting any work done at this rate.
Crude. Dishonest. Blunt. Elegant. Fashionable. Secretive. Expressive. Cale really was a contradiction.
Alberu liked it though. He was a bit of a contradiction himself.
They would have made for a funny couple. Impossible and foolish.
“I think I’d want to kiss you, if I had the chance.”
How crazy was that.
This wasn’t love. Not yet. Hopefully not ever.
‘I’m never falling for that bastard again.’
“That’d be the best for us both.”
‘And I’m not wasting any more thoughts on him either.’
“I’d be grateful if you wouldn’t. I’ll do the same.”
‘Even if he begs, I’m never kissing him again.’
“Good. We need to establish a proper distance between us. I’ll make sure not to beg, just to make it easier on you.”
‘It’s over between us.’
“It never even began.”
‘I don’t love him anymore.’
“I don’t love you either.”
The strange non-conversation brought Alberu a strange peace as he continued to reply to Cale’s thoughts, assuring himself of the non-relationship as much as Cale was attempting to assure himself.
It helped, strangely, to know that they were both here in this moment. Together haunted by thoughts of one another and trying to will away the treacherous emotions that started from the heart and flooded through the body like a poison. The bubbly feeling of being near someone you love who understood how you felt.
Like this, surely these feelings would end.
The gentle non-conversation lulled Alberu back to sleep. Comforted by the knowledge that they were in agreement at least on this one thing.
He really should have anticipated what would happen once he opened his eyes. Or at least, he should have anticipated that it wouldn’t be that easy.
Cale was slumped over his desk.
Alberu recognized the office from the time he was here before. Although unlike the previous times he’d been to this world, it was late at night judging from the scenery outside the window.
Cale spent so long cursing him for overworking and here he was at his desk fast asleep in the middle of the night.
Alberu sighed, sitting at the desk across from him and resting his chin on his palm.
He didn’t want to wake Cale up.
For starters, his heart wasn’t ready to deal with any of this. As much as he’d wanted to see him, he wanted more time to sort himself out. Really take the reigns on his rampant feelings and put a stop to it all.
Besides, the best solution to this whole problem was for him to never again appear in this world.
He considered just leaving the office. There was no reason he had to stay here. He could spend some time wandering Korea before he woke up back in Roan and avoid having to face Cale altogether.
That really was the best solution.
‘What a hypocrite. How long has he been working? Those are some dark circles under his eyes.’
This was exactly why Alberu wanted more time. He didn’t want to walk away. He just didn’t.
He didn’t want to leave Cale alone. Didn’t want Cale to be left to those wretched and painful thoughts. Didn’t want to lose the momentary opportunity he had to spend time with him.
What a hopeless feeling.
“You seriously make things complicated…”
“You’re one to talk.”
Alberu startled at the reply but settled down his emotions quickly as Cale sat up, running a hand through his hair with a glower.
It didn’t bother him as much to get that look from Cale, now that he had an idea as to why. But it also bothered him so much more.
It was a complicated feeling.
“Well, what have I done to earn the presence of his highness, the sun of the Roan Kingdom?” Cale asked, sarcasm dripping from his every word.
“I haven’t found a way to stop this from happening yet.” Alberu said apologetically. “I’m working on it.”
A strange emotion crossed Cale’s features before he smiled wryly. “Work harder.”
“As you wish.”
Cale frowned, concern knitting his brows as he looked Alberu over. “You’re strangely compliant… did something happen?”
Alberu kept his poker face, held back from grimacing or panicking at how quickly Cale caught onto his changed behavior. He had a plausible explanation and there was no reason to reveal anything. “It’s a bit difficult to get a restful sleep lately so I’m lethargic.”
“Ah.” Cale’s expression didn’t improve. “You’re lying to me.”
“Excuse me?”
“That’s your lying face. You use it all the time when you’re playing politics.”
“I do not have a lying face–since when did you become the nosy one?”
“Since you lied to me.” Cale looked him over coldly, as though searching for an injury. “Now fess up.”
Alberu knew he shouldn’t have a strange swell of emotion over Cale’s overt concern for him. But he did. At least he had a sure-fire way to end the interrogation. “I’ll tell you what I’m lying about when you tell me what you’re keeping from me.”
“Easy enough. I think you’re a prat. There. Done. Now what’s wrong with you?”
Alberu couldn’t help the laugh that huffed out of him at the petulant insistence. Cute. It wasn’t the first time he thought Cale was cute, it probably wouldn’t be the last. “I already knew you think I’m a prat, you’ve never properly explained why though.”
“Because I’m not blind and that’s what you are.” Cale stood up from his desk, apparently satisfied with his visual observation that Alberu wasn’t hiding some serious injury. Or whatever he’d been searching for so intently. “If you’re well enough to continue asking about all that meaningless nonsense I guess you really are fine.”
“I really am.”
“Haa… again with the lying face.” Cale shook his head, gathering some documents on his desk absentmindedly. “Are you hungry, your highness? We’re getting ramen on the way.”
“Why bother asking if your plans won’t change regardless of my answer?” Alberu felt secretly pleased about the ‘we’. Despite all his protestations otherwise, Cale was prolonging their contact as well.
“Who says ramen is food?” Cale teased, beginning to pack his things.
“Context clues.” Alberu could feel his lips twitching upwards. He wouldn’t really care even if ramen wasn’t food and this was the set up for some elaborate prank.
Relief.
It was relieving to see Cale. To see that their tenuous connection hadn’t been broken yet. To know that despite the bitter cursing that he’d been privy to, the man looked alright.
It was just good to see him, full stop.
‘...I’m already halfway to the wind already, aren’t I?’ Alberu didn’t even mind. He just wanted a few minutes to relish in the simple enjoyment of Cale’s company.
Was this the hedonistic impulse that had led him to break his rules? Alberu could never truly know but he suspected as much.
It probably started just the same as this. Feeling drawn towards Cale despite knowing better, just wanting to spend a bit more time with him with nothing but harmless intentions, and slowly but surely succumbing to the magnetism that drew them together.
“You’re being uncharacteristically quiet, your highness.” Cale said flippantly as they made their way down the bright streets of Korea’s nightlife. Quiet residential districts, comparably noisy bars, and the gentle lighting offered by the lamps overhead.
It wasn’t the first time that Alberu felt that Korea and Roan weren’t all that different.
“I’m thinking about a lot of things.” Alberu confessed, impulsively wanting to just tell Cale everything. He wouldn’t, of course, but it was such a tempting thought.
Alberu had never felt quite like that before. Well, there were a few times where he’d chosen to expose his secrets to his friends and newfound family in a bid for the support he craved from them. This was a bit different though. It wasn’t like he wanted anything from Cale in response, he just wanted to share the feelings dancing around in his heart.
What a strange compulsion.
“Hm. You really are a bit strange today.” Cale lapsed into silence again, taking the pair of them to a surprisingly busy ramen shop. One would think that at this time of night you’d only find drunks trying to fill the gap created by alcohol with steaming hot noodles, but contrary to those expectations there were lots of people like Cale. Haggard looking men and women of varying ages, wearing suits and clearly only just getting off of work.
People who were so exhausted they hardly paid Alberu any mind at all as he took a seat next to Cale. They were tired, hungry, and they weren’t paid enough to care about some random foreigner in their usual spot.
Alberu couldn’t help but wonder if Cale was a regular here. He didn’t bother to listen in on whatever Cale was ordering for them in Korean or what the man behind the counter said, he was in a strange mood that made suppressing his emotions uniquely difficult.
It was something in the doubtless Cale -way that the overworked man retrieved utensils for the pair of them, raising one manicured eyebrow at Alberu’s silent look.
“You’re staring.” Cale pointed out.
“I am.” Alberu admitted. He let his eyes wander around the establishment again, the inviting smell of ‘ramen’ filling the air. “I was thinking about how well you adjusted to living here.”
A small fib but Alberu wouldn’t be tormenting Cale with the truth. He still had enough sanity to understand that saying things like ‘I was struck by how really remarkable you are and considering the pros and cons of kissing you’ would be a cruel thing to say.
Cale shrugged. “It’s not that hard. You’d probably never manage, your highness.”
“And why is that?”
Cale broke apart his chopsticks, welcoming the offered ramen bowl and gesturing for Alberu to accept his as well. “You crave love and respect, your highness.”
“Aren’t those normal things to want?” Alberu didn’t know quite how to feel about that assessment of his character or the idea that it might be difficult to achieve those things in this world. It was hard even back home where he was the future leader of his kingdom.
Cale hummed flippantly. “For you, maybe. I have other priorities so this suits me fine.”
Liar. That was Alberu’s first instinct. Everyone, to some extent, craved love and respect. He worked back over Cale’s words again though and found himself frowning thoughtfully.
He didn’t say he didn’t want them. He said he had other priorities.
It brought his mind back to the ‘trash’ of the count’s family.
“What are those priorities then?” Alberu struggled with his chopsticks. He’d been observing the other patrons using them and hoped that he’d be able to get the hang of them before Cale took notice.
He couldn’t quite figure out how he was supposed to hold them though.
“The safety of the people I love.” Cale reached out without any hesitation. Maybe it was just a natural act for him now that he was raising a child. It felt strange, Cale’s hand on his, repositioning the chopsticks with gentle care. “Like a writing instrument, your highness.”
Cale’s hand was calloused and scarred. It wasn’t soft or beautiful.
Alberu still felt the loss when Cale pulled away, wishing he could have somehow prolonged the contact.
He had an idea how to use the chopsticks now though and Alberu had always been skilled with his hands. He followed Cale’s lead, gathering noodles slowly before slurping them up.
It was good.
This was good.
He wondered how many more days he’d be able to enjoy these simple pleasures in Cale’s company.
“You didn’t bring back my coat.” Cale complained after a moment's silence. “Thief.”
“I meant to.” Alberu said honestly. “I was distracted.”
“Work?”
“Personal things.”
It was for just an instant, but Cale’s movements stuttered. Alberu regretted his choice of words but he hadn’t wanted to lie, even though he couldn’t admit that he’d been inundated with Cale’s hidden thoughts and feelings.
“Ah, that’s unusual for the work-a-holic future king.” Cale’s voice held just a hint of bitterness and Alberu wondered if perhaps he was jealous.
It wasn’t fair to offer him hope. Alberu was already suffering enough with a strange ‘hope’ about their relationship and his feelings weren’t as deep as Cale’s.
He still hated to leave him feeling like that though.
He opted for as honest as he could. “I was attempting to get a hold of your counterpart to gather more information about… just all of this.”
The invisible tension in Cale’s shoulders vanished. Now that he had an idea what was going on inside of his head, it got easier to read Cale.
“Is he dodging your calls?” Cale gave him a teasing smirk. “Good to know that you still have the unique ability to provide people with headaches.”
Alberu probably hadn’t been quite so insulted in all of his life. Coming from Cale Henituse , the person who had been the primary source of his headache for the last few days who was currently in Kim Rok Soo’s body, a person who was the biggest source of Alberu’s headaches for the last couple years and on the topic of that same headache…
Oh, the injustice of it all was absolutely intolerable.
“I don’t want to hear that from you.” Alberu said with a frown.
“Why is that, your highness?” Cale looked entirely amused, watching him with remorseless mischief. “Do I give you a headache?”
“You haven’t stopped doing so since the day I met you.” Alberu felt the childish impulse to pout. He fought it away valiantly. “Every single thought I’ve had for the last few days has been…”
He stopped himself.
He wasn’t dumb enough to not know how that sounded.
He flushed red and turned away, attempting to busy himself with his food. It was a clumsy attempt to hide his embarrassment, as a trained diplomat he ought to be ashamed. “–anyway, the point is, I need to figure out why I’ve been coming here. And you haven’t been forthcoming with information which is frustrating.”
That was a believable excuse, right?
His mind was a mess.
“Makes sense.” Cale’s voice was strange but Alberu didn’t dare look to see his expression.
They ate in silence from there, each hampered down by heavy thoughts and complicated feelings.
They stayed in silence as Cale paid and they left, heading off in the direction of Cale’s humble apartment.
It wasn’t tense, per say, but it wasn’t as comfortable as their earlier companionable silence.
Cale stopped.
It was so sudden that Alberu took a moment to realize he’d done it, stopping a few paces ahead of him and looking back at him in confusion.
Cale’s expression was a mess.
“...I don’t understand.”
The words were strangely vulnerable, so unlike the Cale he’d gotten to know in their short time together. Alberu’s heart stuttered.
“What do you want from me?”
Those too brown eyes that searched Alberu for intention were so raw and pained that his breath caught. Alberu wanted to reply but it felt impossible.
“You don’t have anything to gain by pretending–so why are you putting on that act?”
“Act?” Alberu asked, trying to compose himself. Trying to find the meaning behind it all.
The raw emotion in Cale’s eyes hardened into anger and he closed the distance between them, glaring furiously into Alberu’s eyes.
“Don’t fuck with me.” The low and angry hiss was filled with so much genuine hurt that Alberu almost took a step back. “The blushing, the fake bashfulness, the misleading words–you’re not dumb enough to do that shit on accident. What the fuck do you want from me?”
Ah.
He really and truly didn’t believe that Alberu could have feelings for him too.
Alberu ignored the twisting pain in his heart, trying to find the best answer. The best words.
He’d been in so many tense political situations. So many negotiations and emotionally charged battles of words.
…how could he possibly answer Cale’s emotions with anything but honesty though…?
“Nothing.” He met Cale’s with his own raw and honest emotion. “I don’t intend to want anything from you.”
This didn’t assuage any of the anger, the hurt, but Alberu’s candid words did catch his attention. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“I really don’t intend to want anything from you.” Alberu smiled helplessly. “But I find myself wanting everything.”