Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Childe did not sulk, he told himself. But of course the moment Lumine walked into the Golden House for their weekly spar she dematerialized her sword.

“Alright, the fight’s off. Something’s wrong,” she signs.

“Whatever do you mean, comrade? I’m still raring to go if you are!”

She makes a suitably unimpressed face and soon enough as if sensing the disturbance, Paimon is popping out of thin air.

“What’s going on? Paimon thought you needed to get that sword billet for Ayaka.”

“Childe’s upset.”

“A-and he still has his weapons out?!” she shrieks, hiding behind Lumine’s shoulder.

Childe sighs and dismisses his water blades. “Fine, fine. If you’re so intent on just talking today I digress.”

“Oh no, something really must be wrong with Childe.” Paimon floats over and puts a hand on his forehead. “Are you sick? Paimon’s never seen you back down from a fight!”

Childe bats her away gently while scrunching up his face.

“Paimon, I think you should leave this talk to the adults,” Lumine suggests.

She gasped dramatically. “Paimon is much older than– Childe, at least!”

Choosing not to question her obvious hesitation, Childe digs a small pouch out of his pocket and holds it out for her.

“Here, you can take this and buy some snacks while we talk–”

“Paimon is offended you think she’s so easily swayed!”

“Unless you want to hear about my love life.”

In a flash, Paimon grabbed the pouch and began flying for the exit.

“Nevermind! Thank you, goodbye! Just meet Paimon at Wanmin when you’re finished!”

They watch the door slam behind her and Lumine can’t help but chuckle.

“That was good. You really are a pro at dealing with kids.”

Childe shrugs. “Comes with the territory. Plus, didn’t she say she was older than me?”

“She’s in elf years or something,” she signs with a bit of a shrug. “I don’t think it really counts.”

Well, Tevyat has certainly seen stranger things.

“So, trouble in paradise?”

Childe groans as he takes a seat on the stairs and begins to explain, Lumine quickly joining him. 

“He’s– 90% of the time he’s perfect but sometimes he’s just really really dense and I have no idea how to bring it up to him.”

“ Please ,” she signs with a bit of extra force. “ Please tell me this has nothing to do with your sex life.”

“NO oh archons no, Lumi, you’re like a sister to me. And by that I mean I rather drown than tell you a single word about that.”

“Oh, good. Also, that was sweet.”

“Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything,” she signed smugly. 

All Childe could do was give her his best glare of brotherly disapproval, which of course she was absolutely immune to. 

“Anyway, something obviously happened, so give me the deets.”

“Well, I was out getting lunch with Zhongli…”

Childe was engrossed in one of Zhongli’s typical info dumps while they ate. He was awfully beautiful when he talked, and also distracted enough to not notice he was struggling with his chopsticks again.

Suddenly a gasp was heard from across the plaza, and a short man was bounding over and waving his hand to get their attention.

“Zhongli is that you?! Yoooohooo! It’s me!”

Zhongli turned and suddenly the stranger was launching himself at his husband full speed. He expected a shield, or maybe a single hand to catch him by the scruff, but instead Zhongli let the man throw his weight on him with nothing more than a slightly ruffled look.

“Venti, is it? It’s been a while.”

“ A while ? It’s been ages! What have you been up to besides the whole– you know.”

No, Childe did not know but it seemed Zhongli understood him just fine and was soon depositing him on the stool beside him and fixing the hat that had fallen off his head while this Venti preened under his attention. 

“I’ve been working at a funeral parlor as a consultant. I’ve found something of a home there.”

“Aww, I’m happy for you. You’ll have to invite me over some time so we can truly catch up!”

Childe choked on his tea. He didn’t know how long these two had been out of contact but surely he’d at least ask about his relationship status before flirting with him so openly, right? Zhongli must've mistaken his choke for a purposeful cough as he suddenly turned his attention back to Childe.

“Oh right, how rude of me. I forgot to introduce you two. Childe, this is a friend of mine, Venti. Venti, this is my partner, Childe.”

“Husband,” he elaborated with a pleased grin. There will be no mistake about who Zhongli’s heart belongs to. “I’m his husband.”

“Childe, huh?” 

Instead of offering his hand, Venti merely scrutinized him. Not one to back down from a challenge, he glared right back.

“So, what brings you to Liyue,” Zhongli asked, ever oblivious to the tension. 

Immediately once the attention was back on him, Venti’s features smoothed out and he relaxed. Part of him wanted to interrupt with his own two cents, but the other was too fascinated with the fact Zhongli was friends with such a man to do anything but watch the conversation carry out.

“Oh, you know. Just needed a change of scenery for a bit, and to check up on some friends in the wake of all the craziness that’s been going on over here.”

Zhongli nods solemnly. “You must have been worried. I admit I was as well when I heard about Dvalin’s rampage.”

“Aww looks like the old blockhead is capable of being sweet after all!”

Zhongli scowled. “I won’t be paying next time we go drinking.”

“Oof! So mean to me! Well, lucky for you I actually have some mora to spare for once. So what do you say, tomorrow night at 8?”

The audacity! Right in front of him? And his fried shrimp balls? Really?

“I can do that,” he said with a nod, oblivious to Childe’s seething.

“Yay!! I can’t wait!” 

With another hug and a quick pat on the head, Venti skipped off into the street looking like he just won the lottery. 

“Are you sure the guy asked him on a date?” 

Childe of course had conveniently left out any names, so Lumine had no idea who he was talking about. But she knew enough lovable fools to see how this could all be a mistake. 

“I’m telling you he was hanging onto Zhongli like his life depended on it. I thought he might actually crack with how much he was smiling.”

Lumine whistles. Zhongli is impressively dense for a man so wise.

“So are you going to tell him it’s a date?”

“Shit, I don’t know. Zhongli doesn’t have a lot of friends. I don't want to make him uncomfortable with his friendship. He seemed mildly annoyed but it was in a kind of fond way. I don’t want him to feel like he has to cut him off because of me.”

She hummed. “And you’re not worried about him cheating, right?”

“No. Never on purpose. But the way that imp glared at me,” he shivers. “He totally has it out for me. And that man looked fucking mischievous . I have no idea what he might try to trick Zhongli into just to get back at me.”

“Childe, I think you forget he’s more than 6000 years old. He might stumble into a date that’s purely platonic from his end but he still has common sense.”

“They’re going drinking, Lumine.”

Her hands are still for a moment as she digs through her memories for details about Zhongli.

“He has a terrible tolerance, doesn’t he?”

“I think Paimon could handle more liquor than him, and she barely weighs as much as a few sunsettias.”

“So what’s the plan?”

Chapter Text

Paimon is sent off once again to occupy herself with the warning that they’ll be watching Zhongli on a date. No further words are needed and her lack of stealth is quickly removed from the equation. 

Childe meets her at the bank two hours before Zhongli’s date and pulls her into his office where another person is waiting for them. 

“Nadia? What are you doing here, I thought you only worked at night?”

There’s a slight delay between the time Lumine signs and Childe translates, but as soon as the message is across she flushes. 

“Ah, well, Master Childe has been working on finding more guards for the bank so we have less isolating schedules. It’s given me some free time to enjoy what Liyue has to offer, including the fashion, and well, when I heard him mumbling about needing a disguise…”

Nadia gestures to the clothes rack she brought in with a variety of qipaos, and even a few tangzhuang suits.

“Please, pick whatever you like. There’s a washroom down the hall on the left you can get changed in, and once you’re done I’ll help you put on a wig.”

Lumine looks over to Childe in panic. There’s only one wig, and sure, while Lumine’s style may be pretty distinctive, but Childe’s was much more noticeable. Really didn’t help they were public hero and public enemy #1.

Childe watched her face and smiled, holding up a small jar of hair product. “Don’t worry, I’ve got it covered.”

She looks at him skeptically and signs out an uncertain “if you’re sure,” before picking out a simple blue qipao with flowers like the ones she usually wears in her hair.

By the time she comes back, Childe’s hair is brown and he’s half-dressed in a pair of brown pants and simple black boots. Her eyes nearly bug out of her head.

"Doesn’t dye stain red hair?!” she signs rapidly. “Are you going to be stuck a brunette forever??”

“Don’t worry about it, I did a test strand last night! Now c’mon let Nadia do your wig.”

He pats the seat of his chair and moves aside to let her sit. Nadia immediately descends with terrifying efficiency, trapping her hair in a cap and pinning it down while Childe keeps getting dressed.

“I dunno if brown was the right choice, for both of you I mean. You’ll blend in among the people but you’ll look more like siblings than a couple.”

“GOOD” Childe says at the same exact time Lumine signs it.

Nadia just shakes her head. Of course Childe can’t pretend to be with someone else. Even undercover that boy is hopelessly whipped.

They arrive at Xinyue Kiosk 30 minutes before Zhongli is scheduled to arrive and are seated at a very convenient spot that gives Childe the perfect view through the screen dividing the room to the only remaining empty table. 

“Childe,” she signs, pausing to look around the restaurant. “Is everyone else here Fatui? Did you pay your staff to fill these tables?”

He shrugs with a sly grin. “They needed a treat. It seems I’ll be stationed in Liyue for a long time and the bank is a lot different from the battlefield so I thought I’d try some alternate styles of team building.”

“Bull. Shit.” All the other patrons are dressed like any other Liyuen citizen and scattered throughout the restaurant. “That is all just way too convenient.”

Childe shrugs and Lumine soon finds herself distracted by the menu. It’s his treat after all, and well even if she doesn’t have the alleged 2nd stomach of Paimon, girl’s still gotta eat, and she won’t pass up the chance to do it with someone else’s mora. 

Admittedly, she forgets about the mission pretty quickly. They converse lightly in sign to keep Zhongli from recognizing Childe’s voice, and no one even notices their table is near silent over the chatter of the other patrons. Lumine herself has already tuned the rest of them out, so caught up in telling Childe about the whole specter tree tumor debacle on Narukami Island that she isn’t hearing a single word anyone is saying. The food is also a pretty good distraction, which is why it catches her so off guard when Childe is suddenly darting across the room and knocking over the silk screen.

She turns, and suddenly the dots connect. There, held up by Childe’s hand fisted in the front of his shirt with a hydro blade to his neck.

“Childe!” Zhongli scolds, while all Lumine can think is “VENTI?!”

She rushes over, much more careful of the very expensive decor than Childe where Venti is squirming in his grip.

“Zhongli, call off your guard dog!” Venti cries.

“First explain why the hell you were trying to get with my husband,” Childe growls, pressing the sword closer to Venti’s throat.

Lumine waves her hands frantically to get their attention. “Childe, wait, I think this is all a big misunderstanding,” She signs.

“Yeah, listen to your- wait a second- Lumine?”

She sighs. This didn’t last long.

“You know this guy?”

A steady hand came to Childe’s arm, guiding his blade away from Venti’s neck. He released his grip, dissolving the hydro and slowly lowered Venti to the ground while Zhongli stepped close to him.

“I apologize that my friend has upset you, but perhaps it is best if we resolve this somewhere else. I fear we may be welcome no more.”

Zhongli looks past their little scene to the waitress standing shock still in the doorway with a tea tray in her hands. All of their eyes follow his and Lumine winces while sucking a breath through her teeth. 

“Um. Continue this back at your apartment?” Venti suggests meekly.

“I believe that would be best. Lumine, why don’t you go back with him while me and Childe clean things up a bit here.”

Lumine makes a contemplating face while rotating a hand in the air until she settles on “sure. I’ll keep him out of your wine.”

“That would be much appreciated. We will be joining you shortly.”

Chapter Text

The moment they’re back in Zhongli’s apartment, Lumine has to ask. “How long did you know we were there? I’m surprised we lasted that long without Childe lunging at you.”

Venti laughs nervously. “Well, I knew Childe was there from the start. You, on the other hand, were a bit of a surprise. I was distracted by his murderous intent and you know, the abyssal energy.”

“You can sense that when he’s not in his Foul Legacy transformation?”

“His what now?”

“...Don’t even worry about it,” Lumine signed while they sit in 2 of the chairs around the coffee table. “Actually what I want to know is what made him finally snap.”

“Oh, that’s easy. I purposefully waited until the end of dinner to piss him off. The second I paid the check and we stood up I gave Zhongli a kiss on the cheek while making eye contact with him.”

“ARE YOU SUICIDA- wait a minute did you just say you paid the check?”

“Is it really that surprising?!” he asks, clutching his chest in offense. “And that’s the part you're hung up on?”

“You sleep in trees and survive off of stolen wine and apples. You cannot tell me it’s not surprising you paid for dinner.”

Venti throws his hands up in the air in defeat. “Okay okay, you’ve got me there. But hey, I don’t sleep in trees anymore!”

Lumine stares in disbelief. “You got an apartment?”

“Welllll no, not exactly. I’m actually living in the Dawn Winery Estate!”

“With Diluc’s knowledge?”

“Yes! You know how rich people will sometimes pay artists to just kind of hang around their house and make art?”

“No?”

“Well, they do. And that’s kind of what I have going on with Diluc, but not really. Either way, he’s sponsoring me because of all the time I hang out in the Angel’s Share even though I definitely drink more than a paycheck’s worth for free.”

Lumine shakes her head and smiles fondly. “He’s such a softie.”

Venti smiles along with her. “Yeah, he really is. But anyway, where are those two? It shouldn’t take that long to pay for damages, right?”

“Oh, no they’re always late whenever I invite both of them somewhere. They’re probably making out in an alley somewhere.”

“EHHHHHH?! It seems Childe has been a bad influence on him. And after all my hard work of trying to corrupt him myself…”

At that moment the door clicks open and the couple they were talking about walk in, along with Paimon floating behind them.

“What were you guys saying about corruption?” she asks.

Lumine gave Venti a wide eyed look before turning to make eye contact with Childe. He raises his eyebrows and she quickly looks back at Paimon. 

“We were talking about the corruption in the Ley Lines, and I was wondering if Mondstadt might have some issues similar to Inazuma,” she lies quickly. “Anyway Paimon, what are you doing here?”

“We saw her chatting with Granny Shan and decided to take her back with us since the mission is over,” Childe explains.

“Mission? Just what the heck were you and Lumine up to?” Paimon floats forward with her hands on her hips to glare at Childe, only to step dead as she spots Venti sitting in one of the living room chairs. “And the Tone-Deaf Bard?! What exactly is going on?”

Zhongli clears his throat and steps forward. “That’s exactly what we’re here to discuss. I can see you’re missing some context, so why don’t Childe and Lumine catch you up to speed while I make some tea.”

They jumped into explanations and by the time Zhongli returned, Paimon was rolling through the air clutching her stomach and wheezing between her laughter.

“Paimon can’t BELIEVE you felt threatened by the Tone-Deaf Bard of all people!”

“Hey- what’s that supposed to mean?!” Venti cries.

“You don’t get it! He looked very mischievous, I could feel he had it out for me!”

“Thank you, Childe! At least someone here has faith in me.”

Zhongli sets the tea down on the table and joins Childe on the couch with an arm around his shoulder.

“Childe was very sweet to look after me, even if his concern was misplaced,” Zhongli says.

“Really, sweet? Even the part where he almost slashed me?”

“You started it!”

“Right. Venti, maybe you should explain what exactly you were trying to do,” Zhongli prompts.

Venti groans and slumps forward in his chair. “Ughh fine none of you are any fun. It’s pretty obvious he’s a harbinger, right?” Venti gestures to Childe’s head where his mask usually rests.

“I knew Mr. Boytoy over here wouldn’t be able to kill me because Zhongli would stop him before he did, if I didn’t first of course, so I decided to mess with him a bit as payback for when his coworker kicked me in the tummy.”

Childe scoffs. “There was no need to involve me. I hate her just as much as you.”

“Well how was I supposed to know that?!”

“Well, it seems there were some misunderstandings on both sides,” Zhongli interjects. “But you are both very dear to me, so I would appreciate it if you two could get along.”

“Like hell! First I need to put that bard in the bottom of Dihua Marsh!”

Childe lunged, making Venti let out a shriek that quickly turned into a laugh as he was chased around the apartment, leaving Zhongli, Paimon, and Lumine at the table.

“...I think I’ll be taking Venti to our weekly spars now,” Lumine signs.”

“I believe that will be a good outlet for them,” Zhongli nods in approval with a small smile that is quickly broken as a large crash comes from the hallway. All he can do is sigh in defeat.