Chapter Text
2nd December.
Happy graduation, Wilbur.
I know you’ve probably already found out, but you did very well on your final exams. And I know you already know, but I’m proud of you. I’m sorry that you didn’t get to collect your stellar results yourself, but I suppose it was a reckoning of sorts, for me. It was your mind trying to let me know how much you’ve improved, how far you’ve come. It was the end of a dynasty - but not so much a fall or collapse, but rather, a triumphant recession. After almost ten years, I finally feel assured enough to cede this: you will be okay without me. So I don’t expect to be around much longer.
The year, as a whole, didn’t say goodbye. Time passes so quickly when you’re not here for most of it. I can blink and it’s January; I can blink and it’s June; I can blink and it’s December. We’ve all been making do with these little pockets of time that we get, and it’s an incredibly heartbreaking way to exist. I’m half-glad that I might not need to live like this anymore.
I don’t mean to scare you by writing this, talking about how I’m going to disappear. Although I doubt that the disappearance of one of the parts that’s been stealing time from you and inconveniencing you for so long will disturb you much. It’s more of a formality, telling you this; but I can feel it. It’s an impending sense of peace, like Elijah awaiting the chariot of fire. Like I’ve done all I can do, and the only thing that’s left for me is to rest, and wait for the end.
This might be the last time I ever write to you, so I want to say: thank you. Thank you, Wilbur, for deeming me necessary and important enough to include in your life. I’ve lived more in the past year than I have in the last eight. It feels like I’ve been reborn, like my circuits have been scrambled and rewired. I’ve not lost my original purpose, but I’ve learned so many new things. I’ve learned that loneliness is not eternal, that friendship is plausible, that there is an entire world out there beyond studying. I got to meet Niki. I got to know what it was like to help others, to benefit the people I care about with skills I’ve only kept to myself for years. So again, I want to say: thank you. Even with the amnesia, even with the constant loss of time, I don’t think I’d pick any other existence over the one I have. But eventually, all good things have to come to an end, don’t they? I am no exception. It’s nearly over, and I know that. I know my time is almost up, that something bigger, something better, awaits me on the other side.
Though I must say, I doubt there is a greater purpose in the universe than the one I’ve served in this life.
My native sleight-of-hand is wearing out :
mad hatter’s hat yields no new metaphor,
and jabberwock will not translate his songs :
it’s time to vanish like the cheshire cat
alone to that authentic island where
cabbages are cabbages; kings : kings.
- A Sorcerer Bids Farewell to Seem
Yours gratefully,
I. Fakier
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5 Dec
You can’t even begin to imagine how happy I was when I found out that it’s the holidays right now. I have had enough of that stupid school uniform. I hope I’ll never see it again, honestly. Good riddance.
I was also surprised to find myself at Phil’s house. Now that’s a place I haven’t been to for a while. I hadn’t been there for so long that everything felt almost new - the layout of the place seemed so foreign, and I had to figure everything out again. Phil showed me around, though. He didn’t mind. But at the end of the day, what’s most important is that I know where the snacks cabinet is.
I know I. Fakier’s being a bit morbid. Okay, maybe ‘a bit’ is an understatement. I read that entry and laughed my way through it, because damn, why does everything he writes need to be so poetic and proper? He even included a snippet of a poem at the end, as if he hadn’t already made his point clear. Yeah, yeah, he’s going to disappear, he’s lived to the fullest this year. But haven’t we all?
Wilbur, I’m going to be honest: I’m not sure what else I can do for you. I’m not sure what I’m here for anymore, now that academics are no longer a matter of life-and-death. I used to spend hours each day getting shouted at and threatened by your father, but now that’s gone, and if that’s gone, then why am I still here? You know what I mean? I’m genuinely confused. It’s not like I want to disappear. It’s not like I don’t want to exist anymore - it’s just that I don’t know if my existence serves any purpose anymore. Maybe I’m just here now to play videogames and eat chips. And have an underaged smoke from time to time. Yeah, I know cigarettes are bad. They’ll give you lung cancer. I don’t think one stick every few weeks or months is going to kill you, though. So don’t chastise me (too much) about my smoking habit, okay? It helps me relax, and I get enough of it from Phil already.
I don’t want I. Fakier to go, because he’s my twin, and I’d feel like half of me is missing without him. Maybe the best option would be for me to disappear along with him, too. Fuck, now I’m being morbid. I mean, I’m speaking like I can choose to disappear, but in reality I can’t, can I? Maybe it’s a psychological thing. Maybe it’s when your mind decides, ‘I don’t need this guy anymore’, that we disappear. It’s not up to me, or I. Fakier. But if my twin can feel that impending end, it seems only fair that I go, too.
Huh, I didn’t know writing took up so much time. And mental energy, actually. Only half an hour has passed, but it feels like hours have gone by and I’m exhausted. Man, I hate thinking. This is why I. Fakier’s the one who does all the smart stuff.
I’ll stop for now. Though you’re in probably the most stable situation you’ve ever been in, Wilbur, I still feel uncertain. Not about you or your future, for once, but about me. I’m unsure of why I’m still here, why I don’t feel that sense of doom (LOL) that I. Fakier feels, or whether or not I’ll disappear when he disappears. Or maybe both of us will just merge into one like the fucking Power Rangers robot or some shit. Who knows? I sure don’t.
But don’t worry about all this too much. I’ll figure it out. We always do.
- R. Fakier
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8 december
hi wilbur
hi everyone
its ghost
its warm and sunny today and i like it
i like it when its not cold and wet
cold and wet reminds me of the sea
and of her
i dont want to think about that anymore
the therapist told me it wasnt my fault
and im starting to believe her
shes so nice and kind
i want to see her again soon
everyone else is saying thank you
so i want to say thank you too
thank you wilbur
i dont really know what im thanking you for but thank you
im happy
i dont know if ive ever been happy
but im happy now so thank you
for accepting us
and listening to us
and letting me see the therapist
she died a long time ago and i always thought
if i had saved her none of this would have happened
but now im starting to think that maybe
the universe had plans
as sad and cruel they are
they gave me a family
everyone here is my family
so thank you wilbur
thank you everyone
i wont think about the sea anymore
i wont be sad and numb anymore
its going to be okay from now on
i know it will
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9/12/2025
i’m not very good with dates, but everyone else wrote a date so i wrote one too. hi wilbur! i haven’t written to you in a long long time, ever since that day you had a breakdown and nearly broke the window in the dorm. i hope everything’s been okay! it feels like it… i haven’t had much to take in recently, and i always take your sadness and stress. so me not having stuff to take is a good thing! i’m glad you’ve been feeling so much better.
you know, wilbur, this year went by so fast. i. fakier was right. it didn’t say goodbye. nothing ever says goodbye, when you seem to teleport through life like we do. i think i once told dr. lee that our lives are full of holes, like swiss cheese, and she laughed. she laughed! i’m glad i made her happy. i like making people happy, especially you. so i want to say that i hope me being here today won’t make you upset. i know that for me and everyone else to have written, we must have taken some of your time away, and i’m sorry that we did. don’t let this ruin your mood, okay? i know it’s easier said than done, and ‘sorry’ doesn’t really help much with the sting of it, but it’s all i can give you. i’m sorry… i don’t get to choose. i wish i could… then maybe i’d choose to never be here again. i’d choose that if it makes you happy!
…sometimes i think you would be so much happier if i went away. but then i get worried, because how will you feel okay if i’m gone? where will all your bad feelings go? there won’t be anyone left to cheer you up, to take care of you. and that makes me really, really worried. how will you be okay without me? how will you ever be okay without me?
i. fakier and r. fakier don’t seem to know why they’re still here, and they both seem like they’re going to disappear. but i know why i’m still here. you still need someone to help you with your feelings, especially the bad ones. that’s my job! that’s me! and you still need me, right? i don’t know, but what i do know is that i love you, and i will never stop loving you. it’s what i was made for!
remember to smile today! i’m with you! we’re all with you!
friend
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December 16
10:09 p.m.
This might be the best day I’ve ever had, holy shit. Japan is bloody beautiful. The air here is so sweet and crisp, and the food is fucking amazing. They even have these little salted rice balls in their 7/11s, and they’re delicious. If this place isn’t what lies beyond the pearly gates, I don’t know what is.
I didn’t think I’d ever get out of England. I thought I’d stay trapped there forever, in the same country as that man, for the rest of my life. So fuck me, I thought, when I came to and realised the streets around us weren’t the same dreary cobbled ones I’m used to. Phil was walking beside me, and when I looked at him, he was holding a map in his hand. I asked him where we were. He paused, furrowed his brow, and asked for my name.
“Rev,” I told him. Phil laughed. He said we were in Japan, and I couldn’t believe it. I asked him multiple times if he was joking; he merely gestured around us in response. Then I saw it all - the Japanese signs, the traditional shops, the clear sky that England unfortunately doesn’t really have. I stopped in wonder. I remember how my heart was pounding out of my chest. In that moment, I was acutely aware of how precious this particular period of consciousness was, because holy shit, it’s the first time I’m in a foreign country - let alone one as beautiful as Japan.
“Where are we going?” I asked Phil.
“Nara Park,” he said. “I hope you like deer.”
I’ve never had a favourite animal, up until today. We got these special deer crackers and fed deer for hours. Apparently, some of them have learned to bow to get food from visitors, which is about as endearing as it is impressive. I never thought I’d find something cute. I never thought I’d find anything cute. But those deer have carved out a place in my heart. They’re just so… special, to me. They’re the first major thing I’ve interacted with abroad, the first of many firsts I’m sure will come from now on. I’ll always remember them.
Then we went to this place for dinner, which had fantastic sushi and noodles. I learned the tactile difference between ramen and udon - ramen’s thin and long, udon’s wide (and stout? I’m not sure if they were cut for us). They both felt different on the tongue, but they were both delicious. And I could talk for days about the soup; it was probably the most satisfying thing I’ve ever ingested. It was so thick and creamy. It was, by far, the best meal I’d ever had.
Afterwards we hung around the streets for a bit (that’s where I found out they sold rice balls in the 7/11s) before heading back to the hotel. It was a bit of a walk, but I didn’t mind. The sunset is gorgeous; it throws colours around that you’d never see back in bleak England. The way the sun seemed to melt like an egg yolk into the horizon was mesmerising. Speaking of egg yolk - we had one in our noodle bowls. I broke mine on accident. R. Fakier would probably say something along the lines of it being a skill issue, but in my defense, it was the first time I’d ever had that kind of egg yolk. I didn’t know I had to be as gentle as a fucking butterfly.
I’m writing this from the desk in our hotel room. The room is so traditionally Japanese it’s astounding. The floor is completely made out of those bamboo-esque mats with ridged texture on them. The ceiling is wooden, and the desk I’m writing on is so short that I have to sit on a pillow on the floor to use it. I’ve only ever seen this online. It’s all so strange, but so fascinating at the same time, to be experiencing it in the flesh. I’ve never felt this way before. Again, lots of firsts.
I don’t think I could get tired of this. You know what today has made me think? It made me think that I want to travel. I want to travel the world, see everything I haven’t gotten to see, eat everything I haven’t gotten to eat, try everything I haven’t gotten to try. It ignited a sort of adventurous spirit in me. I’m not exactly boiling with rage anymore like I was at the start of this year, but I admittedly haven’t completely gotten over my past yet (it takes some real time to undo that kind of shit), and I feel like travelling would be a great way to heal. Just diving headfirst into new things. Yeah, that sounds like something I’d want to do. Now all we need is to rob a bank, and I’d be set for life. Let’s devise a plan for that soon.
Wilbur, I’ve never really said this to you before, but I’m happy. I’m happy with myself, happy with where we are. I’m so happy that I could cry, and it takes a lot for me to cry. This has all been so overwhelming, in a good sense. It completely overcame me with gratitude and wonder. I don’t want to keep harping on how all this is all so new and fresh for me, but it really is. I feel like a newborn, like I’m truly experiencing the world for the first time. I hung on for so long back then because I wanted to know a life beyond vicious abuse, and now I do. Now I do, and my god, I’m so happy.
I know I won’t be able to fully live a complete life, but I hope travelling is something that will be included in our future. Not just mine, but yours as well. I hope whatever comes next, it’ll come for all of us.
Rev
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17 December, 6:46 p.m.
Hey, everyone. I was going to write a response to I. Fakier, then both I. Fakier and R. Fakier, then to both the Fakiers and Ghost, and then… you see where this is going. I’m sorry for the lateness. I was just so busy playing Minecraft and anticipating the Japan trip that I didn’t really make myself sit down and write a proper reply.
I’m not sure where to start. I’m not sure what to say. There are so many thoughts in my head right now that I can’t pick apart, and I’ve never been good with picking apart my thoughts and feelings anyway, so this is nothing new. But I want to try, because I feel like there are things I should be telling all of you that I haven’t told you yet.
First of all: to I. Fakier and R. Fakier - I don’t know how my mind works, so I can’t say if you’re going to disappear for sure (or ‘merge into one like the fucking Power Rangers robot’). What I do know is that if you guys go, I think I’ll miss you. I’ll miss being insanely proficient at studying and gaming (R. Fakier, you won’t believe the amount of times I’ve walked off the map on my own ever since the holidays started). I know I did well for my finals - thank you, by the way, I. Fakier, for the note saying you were proud of me; it meant a lot - but I don’t know if I’m sure I’ll be okay without you. What about the last year at Whiteleaf? What about university? Yeah, I know, university. I never thought I’d grow old enough to see the day. I don’t think any of us thought we’d live to even consider university as a possibility, but now, I’m in a place where I actually can. And that blows my mind.
I’ve had you by my side for so long, I. Fakier, helping me with my work, that I can’t fathom going through multiple years of academic endeavours without you. I know you said you’re confident that I will be okay without you, but losing you will feel like losing a crutch I’ve had my whole life. Not to say that an instrument is all you are, but you’ve been a bit like a cheat code. All I had to do was grow hopeless over my studies, and suddenly I’d black out, then come to and find a magnificently-written essay in front of me. It felt a bit like a handicap at times. I hope this isn’t insulting. Don’t take this the wrong way; I’m very grateful for everything you’ve done for me. I realise now how much you’ve dedicated yourself to one singular thing, how much you’ve been through just to get me to where I am today.
R. Fakier, I remember small portions of the abuse you described. That was probably before you and I. Fakier came into existence, back when I didn’t have any tools to cope with my father breathing down my neck as I did my homework. I remember how impossible it was to keep my handwriting legible because of how badly I was shaking from fear; I remember how fast my heart and mind would be racing as I heard his pacing and prowling behind me. I was always so terrified that if I didn’t meet his expectations, or that if I got something wrong, that would be the end of me (like he always said it would be). It was almost like doing homework having a gun pressed to my head. And I guess that was too much for me, because you’re here. And the fact that I don’t remember much else besides those earlier days is proof of how good of a shield you’ve been… god, why do I keep comparing you guys to objects? I’m sorry. Again, please don’t be offended; I don’t mean anything bad. I’m just saying that you were so good at handling what you were meant to handle that I don’t recall much else after you appeared. And that’s incredible. You’re incredible - I just want you to know that. Also, can you please help me get to the top 500 in bedwars so I can get that snazzy leaderboard reward? Thanks.
To Ghost - out of everyone, I feel like you’re the one I’m least connected to. I’ve not really talked to you before, and I don’t know much about you other than that you hold the memories of almost drowning in the ocean along with my mother, but from what Techno and Tommy have told me, you’re really quiet. And that’s okay. I know you hate water; god knows I’d hate water too if I remembered everything about my mother’s death - that’s okay too. We all have things we’re scared of. We all have things we can’t really ever forget. It’s alright if my mother is that thing, for you. Sometimes, it’s alright to take time to heal. It’s alright to stop and breathe.
I’m glad that you feel happier because of Dr. Lee. I feel like everyone’s happier after they get to talk to her. I have a good therapist, don’t I? Thank god I have her. I wouldn’t trade her for the world. I think you feel the same, right? She’s your safe space. She listens to you like no one else listens, and maybe that’s because she’s trained to listen, but that’s besides the point. What’s most important is that she cares, cares about what you’ve been through. I think that’s what you’ve been missing your whole life - someone who cares. I think that’s what we’ve all been missing.
To Friend - hi, Friend! You’ve been with me for as long as I can remember. Somehow I always had this really strong inner child, because back when I had Milo, sometimes I’d feel so happy seeing him that I would be reduced to tears. Just by seeing him! And those tears never really felt like mine. I think they were yours, weren’t they? You must’ve loved Milo so much. I’m sorry he went that way. I’m sorry you lost him. It must’ve been so hard for you to see that, because I have a blank period right after watching him hit the wall. You must’ve been there. You must’ve absorbed all that for me, because I couldn’t handle it. To watch your best friend be killed in front of you must’ve broken you; it must’ve. I’m sorry. I’m tearing up a little right now writing this, thinking about how devastated you must’ve been. Yet somehow I’m not even sure if this great feeling of mourning is mine. It feels a little foreign, a little too deep for what I’m used to feeling. Perhaps you’re here with me now, as you’ve always been. You’re right - you’re behind me. You’ve always been behind me.
But has anyone been behind you?
Let me be that person. I don’t want this to be a one-way street anymore. I want to help you feel happy like you’ve helped me for so many years. I want you to smile, to feel joy, to be able to laugh without always having to worry about me. I want you to live. Friend, it’s gorgeous here in Japan. We’re not at the right time to view the cherry blossoms, unfortunately, but I have a feeling you’d love being here anyway. Japan just seems like your kind of thing. I hope that somehow, you’re seeing the same things I’m seeing, because there’s so much out there beyond me, Friend. There’s so much beyond me.
Finally - speaking of Japan, I didn’t expect you to be here during the trip, Rev. The old me would’ve been so incredibly bitter that I didn’t get to go to Nara Park, but all I feel right now is a sense of peace. I’ve come to terms with it, I think. With you. I’m really glad to read that you enjoyed yourself.
I used to have a lot to say about you. I’d gone around with the notion that you were an obstacle, a hindrance, a burden in my life that was always causing problems I had to deal with. I thought of you as some god-forsaken curse that I had to clean up after. And I mean that literally - I literally thought of you as a curse. I thought, god, I wish I could exorcise this motherfucker. Back then, if there was surgery available to remove you, I probably would’ve undergone it. That was how much I hated you, Rev. I hated you so much that it made me blind to who you really were. I generalised your bad behaviour to you having a bad character, and thought that you were just out to ruin my life.
I don’t want to talk about the things you’ve been through, just because I don’t want to make backwards progress and undo whatever healing you’ve done. But I want to say that I’ve never seen someone as strong as you. It’s incredible that I myself wasn’t strong enough, so my head created a part that was. You were strong enough. You were so strong that you endured everything I couldn’t, took all the blows I couldn’t take. I wouldn’t be alive if you weren’t here, and that’s just a fact. You were my hero.
I’m happy too, Rev. I’m happy that you’re happy. You’re right; you’ve never said that before (directly to me, anyway). But I don’t need you to say it to me. You saying it to yourself is enough, because it’s an internal admittance: ‘yes, I am happy. I’m healing.’ You’re moving on. Finally, after years of violence, you’re moving on. I’m happy for you in the way I’d be happy for a friend. And I’m surprised, to say the least, that you’re interested in travelling. I’ve never really taken you to be the free-spirited kind of person. I mean no offense when I say this, but you’ve always felt sort of rigid and headstrong to me - not exactly someone who’d be out there travelling the world. But apparently you are, and that’s amazing, to me. Maybe you’ve just had enough of England, and I can’t blame you. I’m sort of sick of it, too.
I told Phil about your entry, and though his financial situation isn’t the best, he said he’d try his best to bring me on more holidays. I know you said that you won’t be able to live a complete life, but if these snippets are all you can get, I want them to be the best days you’ll ever have. Maybe if we talk more in this journal, we’ll be able to develop more of that co-consciousness we managed in that session with Dr. Lee. That way, we could experience everything together, and neither of us has to miss out. Wouldn’t that be an incredible compromise? It would be the pinnacle of cooperation, and that’s something when it comes to you and me. Isn’t it?
Thank you, Rev. For everything. I, too, hope that whatever comes next, it comes for all of us, you included.
(And yes, you breaking the egg yolk is, in fact, a skill issue.)
Wilbur