Chapter Text
The face paint on Hunter was dripping off in dollops of green down his chin. He wiped at it, rubbing off the extra paint on his pant leg. He laughed when Darius groaned, ‘Gross, stop that.’ Hunter made an extra show to wipe the sweat off his forehead and swipe it across his chest, making sure Darius saw the paint get all over his shirt.
“Stop that, it’ll stain.”
Hunter stuck his tongue out, “I’m sweaty.”
Darius only sighed at him, “I know, I know,” he opened the front door, stepping aside and letting Hunter walk in. “You’d better shower.” Darius removed his cloak and herded Hunter to the kitchen.
Hunter caught his reflection in the window, he was practically melting with the sweat dripping off of him. His face was flushed bright pink, his chest still rose and fell like he was panting. He had buzzed his hair recently, and it was already starting to grow back. It was… nice. That the feeling of adrenaline and hard work was positive. That he wasn't alone stumbling home red in the face, exhausted. Seeing his reflection filled him with pride rather than shame. He pulled himself out of his thoughts.
Darius was looking at him funny; he did that a lot. He had this thing where, if Hunter wasn't looking, Darius would stare. “What would you like for dinner? Victor's choice,” Darius said when he noticed Hunter was watching him.
Hunter grinned, “I don't care,” and he really didn't. He’d eat anything on a plate that was given to him. He was still learning about all the flavors and options the world had to offer. He was beginning to develop a taste, and find things he liked more than others. All he knew currently though, was that sugar was too sweet and he would eat salt raw if given the chance.
Darius sighed, “I guess I can't say you're being difficult,” Darius turned to open the pantry and look at what was in the house, “You won your championship, you get to do whatever you want.”
“It wasn't the championship Darius, it was just the first game of the year! That's why it's still so hot outside.”
Darius nodded along, “Of course, of course. Championship, game, whatever you want to call it.”
Hunter groaned, “You choose not to know anything about sports.”
Again, Darius nodded, “That would be correct, little prince.”
Hunter frowned, scowling though he didn't actually care enough to be angry about it. He didn't care if Darius didn't understand, he cared that Darius showed up. And Darius promised to go to every game of the year, and he said Hunter could make him an Emerald Entrails shirt for Darius to wear.
Darius straightened his back from looking in the pantry, “Alright, I think I got something that will work,” he pointed at Hutner, “Now please shower.”
Hunter nodded and turned to leave, Darius spoke up again, “Wait.” Hunter paused and spun back to attention on his heel. He tilted his head at Darius, something he picked up from spending too much time with Luz.
Darius crossed to Hutner and placed a hand on his upper arm, “I’m proud of you,” he said quietly, “That was some of the most impressive flying I’ve ever seen. I was thinking after dinner, we could do something to celebrate? Just me and you?”
”I’m proud of you, Hunter. You did good,” A hand brushing against his face, “I think you deserve something good, hmm?” This time, the hand lingered, “I appreciate when you succeed me and the Titan.
It was instant, like a hand wrapped itself around Hunter's mind and yanked back. Like the air that surrounded his body pulled him away before he could really understand what was going on. Without his mind, his body went cold and stiff. Hunter shivered, goosebumps running up his arms, the noise of the house replaced with soft ringing. He was freezing. Despite his mind now being a foot behind him, Hunter's body had not lost the ability to move or speak. “What?'' It was a choked little noise, full of hurt and disbelief.
Darius blinked, noticing the discomfort, the chill. He stepped back, “We don't have to, I just thought it might be nice. I know you said it's just a game but- ack- '' Darius rolled his eyes and smiled, “I guess I'm getting soft. I want to support you, you know?” Darius was working hard to be the number one supportive dad in the world. “It doesn't need to be anything big, or even tonight.”
Hunter was gone, completely. He was no longer able to feel. The clothes on his skin had no texture and the air produced no breeze. Something in Hunter had wrapped him in safety and taken him far away from the rest of the world, leaving his body to run on autopilot. Leaving it to be used without damaging himself.
Hunter's words were soft and distant, said from a mile away, “Camila said-” he cut his whisper off. He blinked once, then twice. Darius took another step away from him. “Can I shower first?”
Darius’s eyes widened, “Of course, you reek.”
Hunter thought of laughing, of saying he was perfectly smellable. Instead, his body pushed itself to turn around and hauled its heavy bones up the stairs, and into his room.
With the feeling of danger gone, Hunter's mind re-fused with his body. Like whiplash, Hunter's head fell forward, he caught himself on the wall, kicking the door closed behind him. He stumbled, one foot after the other to his desk, onto the corner. He wasn’t hyperventilating, not yet. His breath came out in silent small puffs. The space around his eyes was dotting black. He shut them.
He was shaking, just a little, enough to make his fingers twitch and be almost unusable. The excitement of earlier was crashing on him, leaving him with complete physical and emotional exhaustion. His hands ached from holding onto his staff and reaching for flags. From exercising and training that morning, to the game in the afternoon. And after the game, being crushed in a pile by his teammates and lifted into the air by Darius. The cheering, the yelling, the laughing. The way Hunter retold the whole game from his perspective to Camila for almost an hour before Darius had to drag him home.
He was tired.
And there were hands on him.
Hands and hot breath and weight.
Involuntarily, Hunter gasped and covered his mouth. He was trying to think, but thinking wasn't happening. Nothing was happening. He was just at his desk, hunched over, trembling, panting. With the little bit of energy he had left, he pushed himself off of the wood and swayed to the middle of his room.
He needed to undress.
The reason why he needed to undress was avoiding him.
If Darius tried to touch him, Hunter wasn't sure he would have it in him to fight back.
That thought caused another sharp gasp and Hunter shook his head.
A last drop of sweat finally made it down his face and off his chin. That was right, he- he needed to shower. He needed to shower because he had been out in the sun all day. His fingers struggled to grab hold of his shirt. His arms felt weak and heavy, it took a great effort to lift his shirt over his head and drop it to the floor. Trying to untie his shoes was out of the question. He kicked them and the rest of his clothes off, leaving them in a dirty pile on the floor.
Hunter walked to the bathroom, the one that was his. It was shocking, when Darius had first shown him. Hunter had his own room and his own bathroom. Both of which were stocked with more things than Hunter could ever use in his life. At the castle, he was given one bar of soap a month for cleaning purposes. If he wanted anything else, he'd have to go buy it. Darius however, had stocked Hunter's shower with dozens of products, most Hunter had never seen before. Two kinds of body soap, shampoo, conditioner, whatever ‘body scrub’ was, lotion, and that wasn't all of it. Even Luz had laughed when she saw it.
”Jesus dude,” Luz whistled, “You’re spoiled rotten.”
After a few months, Darius had managed to get Hunter's military five minute showers up to eight minutes. It took more time to wash hair than Hunter thought.
Today, Hunter turned the shower to its coldest setting and stepped in.
The noise and feeling of water hitting his skin brought a little more life back to Hunter. He blinked at the shower floor, watching puddles of water go down the drain. He shivered, the cold was helping. A little. The cotton that had replaced his brain was slowly fading away, disappearing like the water was.
That was nice. It was easier to think.
He looked to his side.
Darius had got him two soaps. One that was a liquid, scented with red grass and sugarplum. The other was an unscented bar, Darius said something about comfort in familiarity. Hunter didn't understand, until now. He picked up the bar, and let himself be weighed down by it. It sat perfectly in the palms of his hands.
Reward, celebration, pride.
Hunter flinched, curling his fingers into the bar, soap pushing itself up underneath his fingernails. His breathing still had yet to become panicked- he was just wheezing through pants, keeping them quiet. Darius wanted to do something with him. It was the worst thing the man had ever said. Hunter squeezed his eyes shut, trying to bask in how the cold water felt on his flushed skin. He was probably sunburned, he sunburned easily, cold water always helped.
He couldn't hide in the shower forever, he couldn't hide longer than twenty minutes without Darius getting concerned. He had to think, and he had to think fast. The first thing Hunter's brain supplied with him was the direct correlation of ‘If he's happy with you, he wants to reward you. Reward means sex.’ The second thing his brain told him was, ‘Thats fucking digusting, Darius does not want to have sex with you. He probably just wants to get a desert and watch a show, stop making everything gross.’
Neither of those thought processes were helping.
So Hunter laid out his options.
The first option was that Hunter was correct, Darius meant sex. The second was that it was something else entirely, something normal. The third was running away and killing himself in a cave where his body would never be found. Or… some secret fourth thing Hunter wasn't thinking about at the moment.
He wasn't going to kill himself, he had fought tooth and nail not to be killed. He had wanted to live and wasn't going to throw that away. He wouldn't mind a kind of celebration that included a little bubbly drink or getting a new poster for his room. He did not, under any circumstances, want sex, and that…
That was the weirdest thought he had ever had.
For most of his life, what he wanted was never a factor in any decisions around him, so he never paid attention to it. What he wanted wasn't going to change anything, so he didn’t dwell on it. Now, though? Now, what he wanted was brought up all the time. In his weekends spent with Camila, the food for dinner, the color of his bed, the comfort after a nightmare- all of those were directly decided based on what he wanted.
This though, was different. Hunter had never wanted sex. It was something he put up with to make his uncle happy. It was something he ground his teeth while doing for the chance he might get a hug after. Even the times it felt good were not worth the complete devastation and disgust he felt in his body afterwards. He had never wanted it, it just never mattered.
Until now.
Now, Hunter could go downstairs and say he didn't want it. And if Darius tried to push, he had a whole ‘support group’ full of people who ‘loved him’. He wasn't stuck with one person who forced him to swallow anything he had to say for himself. If Hunter didn't want to have sex, he didn't have to. And the realization was making his knees shake.
The bar of soap in his hands was beginning to look blurry.
He was crying, though it was hard to tell. The mix of cold water and heat exhaustion made it near impossible to decipher if he was actually tearing up, or if his body just felt like it. But no, he was crying, he knew when he sniffed and a gross string of snot fell down on his lips.
Hunter could try and do that, could tell Darius he didn't want to. That created a dozen more problems. Hunter didnt want sex, but he also didn't want to hurt Darius’s feelings. He didn't want Darius to think he didn't appreciate the support and love he was given. Whatever Darius wanted, he wanted Hunter to know that he was proud the most. Hunter didn't want to ruin that.
He couldn't go downstairs and say ‘Hey, I don't know what you meant by celebrating just me and you, but if you try and touch me I will freak out’. There was also the chance if that wasn't what Darius meant, that this was how he was going to find out. It wasn't that Hunter wasn't ready to tell Darius, he wanted Darius to know at some point, but was that point now? Telling Camila had her in tears. She was horrified. Hunter didn't want to ruin Darius’s night by bringing up another kind of trauma he had. Telling Darius that Belos used to hit him was bad enough, and Darius had already figured it out before Hunter told him.
Not to mention Hunter still wasn't completely convinced that what had happened to him was that bad. Well, he knew it was bad, but he was still refusing to use the words ‘rape’ and ‘sexual abuse’. What if that was just a human thing? None of his friends, to his knowledge, ever did anything like that with their parents. That didnt mean it was any kind of abuse, Hunter's general discomfort could be as simple as the fact that he didn’t like it.
This all brought him back to square one.
He would have to go down stairs at some point.
He could let whatever was going to happen, happen. Whatever that meant, only facing the consequences when they happened. But that was a dangerous idea, he’d throw up with the kind of anxiety that would bring him.
He could just ask, ask Darius if he meant sex or something else entirely. But that caused the issue of hurting Darius’s feelings by rejecting him and damaging their relationship. Or if Darius was thinking of something else, it would ruin Darius’s night. He’d probably do that thing where he melted in sadness and whispered, ‘Oh little prince,’ and both of them would cry.
He had to think of something else, something that didn't involve making Darius sad in any way and kept Hunter from having anyone use his body. There had to be something.
Hunter shivered. His legs were starting to hurt, really hurt. He had no idea how long he had been standing in this cold shower just thinking. Long enough to give his body goosebumps and for his chin to start shaking from the low temperature. He didn't want to think, didn't want to do anything, he just wanted to go to bed. To get warm and clean himself tomorrow. To deal with this at a completely separate time.
There it was. The perfect solution. Hunter could avoid the topic throughout dinner, and when Darius brought it up, Hunter would say he was too tired to do anything. Darius had always prioritized his sleep, encouraging Hunter to rest whenever he wanted to. If Hunter explained how exhausted he was he could get out of doing anything, at least for the night.
Hunter set the bar of soap down, he hadn't cleaned himself and he wasn't going to. He turned off the water and found that the bathroom air was freezing. He wrapped his arms around his torso and stepped out. Darius had nice towels, the extra soft ones that were gentle on skin. Hunter always liked them, preferring the texture to most blankets. Now though, he didn't like it at all. He’d prefer for nothing to ever touch him again.
Like most times, he waited to be dry and dressed before looking at himself in the mirror. He couldn't stand looking at his brown eyes or the scars that stretched raw against most of his body. It was easier to handle in small doses, most of it hidden by his clothes.
He picked his favorite pajamas, as his own kind of self controlled reward for not freaking the fuck out. He only violently dissociated!
The clock in his room told him that he was in the shower for nearly fifteen minutes, he cringed at that. He hoped Darius wouldn't try and ask for an explanation. He wouldn't be able to answer.
Hunter was shaking as he went down the stairs. Some of it was because he was still cold, the shower was freezing. The other part was a sick feeling of dread that was pooling in his stomach. He felt so unbelievably sick, like even a brush of a shoulder would cause him to spiral and bring up this afternoon's lunch. He sat himself on the couch, not announcing his presence to Darius who was in the kitching humming while he cooked. He buried himself under the blankets Darius kept around, trying to bring warmth back to his body.
Hunter was sure that he had successfully made it to the main level of the house unnoticed, but his hopes were crushed when Darius’s whistling stopped. “Little prince?” He called. Hunter flinched.
“Yeah?”
Darius walked into the living room, he had changed his clothes from earlier and put on an apron to cook. “You broke your record,” he said, smiling, “Longest shower you've ever taken.” Darius perched his arms on the back of the couch. His face was soft. He looked happy, and for some reason, that made Hunter feel worse.
“Ha, yeah,” was all Hunter could force himself to say. He kept his eyes on his hands where they sat in his lap, fingers rubbing against the soft texture of the blanket. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Darius frown, exactly what he was trying to avoid. This was going horribly.
“Are you alright?” Darius asked, he reached his hand over to ruffle Hunter's hair. A normal thing that Darius did all the time, a thing Hunter liked. He liked Darius’s acts of affection, no matter how small. In the moment though, the second Darius’s hand reached Hunter's head, he flinched. Violently. His whole body jerked forward and his hand went up to cover the back of his neck.
The two of them stilled. Darius retreated, his movements much slower than before, he spoke in a whisper. “Are you alright?” he asked again. More careful now that he realized Hunter was feeling jumpy.
“Yeah,” Hunter said, his voice completely monotone, “I’m just tired.”
Darius huffed, trying to change the mood. “I thought so, I found something to heat up quickly so you can eat and go to bed.”
Hunter did his best not to cringe, his grip on the blanket tightened. “Yeah I- I’m probably too tired to do anything. After-after we eat.”
Darius had come around the other side of the couch, closest to Hunter. He was still frowning, his eyes flickering around. He wiped his hands off on his apron, “What do you mean?”
“The reward-“ shit, “The celebration. I mean, that you were talking about. I’m-I’m too tired to do anything.”
“Oh! That's quite alright. I was just thinking of making a treat for us to have, but if you don’t want to stay up for that I understand.”
“Oh.” An overwhelming feeling of stupidity and grossness washed over him. Of course Darius didn’t want to fuck him. What was wrong with him? To think something so disgusting of the person who took him in.
Hunter also felt relief. Relief so nice it made him feel warm again. He sunk back into the couch as the shaking in his hands stopped. “Oh,” he whispered, again. “I can stay up for that.”
Darius could see right through him, Hunter didn’t know how he forgot that. He didn’t know why he assumed Darius wouldn't notice something wrong. Darius was sharp, of course he’d notice. He noticed now, his face shifting into something serious but soft.
“Hunter,” he perched on the arm of the couch, his hands on his leg, “What did you think I was talking about?”
Hunter's titan damned face betrayed him, he felt the blood rush to his face and knew he was going red. He looked away, leaning as far from Darius as possible. “I don’t know,” he mumbled.
“That's-” Darius was hesitant to call Hunter out, he bit his lip. Then, Darius sighed, “Hunter? What did Belos do to- what did you say- reward you?”
Hunter was an open book. When it came to him, the things that made him uncomfortable, the things that scared him, they all led back to the same person. Darius knew that, and he was good at pointing it out. Many people beat around the bush, trying to get Hunter to open up with gentle prying. Darius never did that, he knew what caused Hunter to be upset, and he would ask it like that. Darius would always ask, up front, if it was something to do with Belos. The answer was always yes.
Hunter felt his skin begin to crawl, and mentally he died right there on the couch. His soul was leaving to find better things. Like a flick of a switch, Hunter went to defense. Protecting himself was all he knew how to do, “Nothing,” is what he went with. Trying to push any more questions Darius had as far away from him as possible.
“...Okay,” Darius did not believe him, not for a second. “Then what did you think I was going to do?” Darius stood again, on the side of the couch. He crossed his arms, but Hunter didn't take it as a threat. Mostly because Hunter wasn't even looking at him, the feeling of humiliation and shame was overwhelming so he kept his eyes on the couch. “Because,” Darius added, “I can tell whatever it was, it was making you upset.”
“Well you weren't going to do that, so it doesn't matter,” Hunter snapped. Darius didn't need to know just how upset he was, so Hunter deflected. He hopped, if he did it enough Darius would drop it and leave him alone.
“If it's something that scares you, makes you feel unsafe, it matters to me.”
Hunter wasn't sure when it happened in moments like these, he’d go from reserved to angry. He had a tendency to lash out, his body harboring years of anger it was never able to let out. Most often it hit the people trying to look out for Hunter, but no matter how guilty he felt later, it never kept him from being mean in the moment. He groaned, “You don’t- it’s fine.” And it was fine. Camila knew about it and he was okay with her being the only person to ever know about it. He’d hide the truth of it all deep inside himself and die with it there.
“I’m sorry,” Darius was getting really good at saying that. Ever since he first apologized to Hunter, it was almost the only thing he did. “I know better than to tell you something without explanation. I guess I just thought that Belos wouldn't be the kind to celebrate your victories, or to support you when you succeeded. I thought- I thought success was expected of you.”
“It was,” Hunter grumbled. He had kicked the blanket off at some point, his knees were up to his chest. He was still pointedly looking away from Darius, glaring at the other side of the room.
“I don't want to push you, little prince. I just want to make sure I dont scare you again. I thought Belos wouldn't mention it if you did something he deemed was ‘right’ or ‘good’. So I didn't explain what I meant when I said we should celebrate, that's on me.” Darius spoke in a calm and level tone. For whatever reason, it made Hunter angrier.
Hunter scoffed and rolled his eyes, “He wasn't just constantly beating me.” Hunter didn’t mention that it had always felt constant.
Hunter watched Darius cringe and pull away from the corner of his eye, “I uh… yes. Yes I know that.” Darius took a moment to breathe and clear his throat. He took a step to the side to be more in Hunter's view. Hunter made a dramatic point of looking farther away. His head practically twisted behind him. “I think my hatred for him clouds my thoughts,” Darius continued, still in that calm, soft voice, “He was a master manipulator, and abuse works in many different ways. My image of him is a cruel and unjust monster, but I know you saw different parts of him. At least, what you thought were different parts at the time.”
Hunter did think they were different parts. As a child, he used to pretend Belos, The Emperor, and Uncle were all three different people. All of whom required different things to keep them happy, things only Hunter could provide. Looking back now, the only thing he could feel was stupid. Belos was using him, the entire time. Using Hunter to get what he wanted. Hunter was always supposed to die. But growing up? Hunter didn't know that. All he knew was the moments he could get any kind of gentle touch were moments he fought for, moments he sought out.
“I took what I could get, when it came to attention,” affection is the word Hunter does not use. “I wasn't supposed to fail so it wasn't like- it didn't-'' He groaned, unsure of what he even wanted to say.
“You don't have to talk about it,” Darius was crouched down now, his hand resting by Hunter's knee, a deep frown on his face.
“Camila knows.” Hunter didn’t know why he said that, or why it even mattered. Maybe it was a reminder to himself that if he kept talking it won't just be her. That the more he tries to open up the more people will know. Everytime he tells someone, a new person gets to see just how disgusting and humiliating he is.
Maybe, it does matter that Camila knows. So that if Hunted tells Darius it won’t just be them trying to figure out what to do next. Big support groups were important, or so Hunter had been told.
“Knows what?” And what a great question that is.
Hunter hadn’t decided if he was going to say it or not. Part of him wanted to, because he’s sick. He’s fucked up and every bit as cruel as Belos raised him to be. Part of him wanted to watch Darius’s face crumple, so someone else could hurt like him. To snap it out and make Darius feel bad for ever asking. Most of him, though, wanted to hide away, to go back to defending himself. He wants Darius to still look at him like he's everything and not think of him differently at all. Hunter stood up, the couch and the blanket and Darius was all too close to him. His mind and hands were buzzing. His tongue felt fat in his mouth. There were dozens of words to say and not a single one would form. He felt sick, gross, and violent thoughts forming in his throat. He ran a hand through his hair.
“It wasn't like ‘good behavior’ or completing a mission was the only time it happened.” Hunter was unsure of if he was speaking out loud or not. How much of his now rage filled craze was being shared with Darius who was still on the floor. Hunter began pacing, ringing his fingers together. He was trying his best not to scream. “I- I knew- I at least thought you weren't going to do that- there was just the chance. And I didnt want to upset you but- I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings but- I wasn't going to do that with you.” A growl built in his throat, “You couldn't make me.”
“I wouldn't make you do anything,” Darius whispered and rose to his feet. His face was pinched now, there's something wrong. Deeper than wrong, and he could tell. Hunter could tell that he could tell. “Hunter,” Darius intruded on the part of the carpet that Hunter was working on wearing down. His hands were palm up, showing the lighter part of his skin. “It's okay, It's alright, you can tell me. If you want to, and if you don't, that's alright too.”
Darius was everything soft and Hunter wanted to melt into him. But he was a fire, Hunter wouldn't melt, he would burn.
Hunter looked at Darius and searched for something that would calm him, bring him back to shore. He found nothing. So, instead of trying to explain or calling it a night, Hunter spat, “If I did a job well done- if I was a good nephew, a hard working soldier, I’d be lucky enough to fuck our Emperor.”
Darius startled harder than Hunter expected him too, his back almost hit the wall before he stopped himself and just… stared. Eyes blown wide and jaw hanging open. His pupils were almost too small to see, he went so still Hunter knew he wasn't breathing.
The reaction wasn’t as cathartic as Hunter thought it was going to be. It just made him feel bad that he said anything at all. Heat crept down Hunter's neck and up his ears. He hung his head to the floor. He waited for Darius to say something. To call him gross, to scream, or even to start crying, to try and hold Hunter. None of it happened.
It was silent for a full minute before Hunter got the courage to look up.
Darius hadn’t moved, hadn't made a single noise. He still wasn't breathing. Suddenly, Hunter's anger felt stupid. The reality of making someone else hurt did not have the relief Hunter thought it would bring. He goes from angry to terrified in a second.
When they lock eyes, Darius finally comes back to life.
“What?” He asked, his voice cracked. Hunter had never heard him so quiet, so dejected.
Hunter's frown deepened, there was no way Darius didn’t know what sex was. Hunter was very clear about what he said… maybe it was his language that confused Darius? “Sex,” Hunter mumbled for clarification, “I- It happened for other reasons but- I had sex with him.”
The change of words didn’t seem to help, Darius blinked at him again.
It was the first time in Hunter's life he could say he thought Darius looked old. His wrinkles heavy around his eyes, his shoulders sagged with weight.
”What?”, Darius asked again. His voice was stronger, filled with more horror. “W-when did- what- how have- what?”
Hunter wasn’t expecting this reaction at all, bordering on disgust and full of horror. Hunter wasn’t sure if Darius meant for any of his questions to be answered, so Hunter went with the safe bet of talking. “It uh- I was fourteen? I think?”
His hesitation was faked. Hunter could point out the exact date on his calendar. He knew the year, day, hour, the memory was scratched into his brain. He could recall every moment of it.
It was the evening after he was knighted Golden Guard. After the ceremony and celebrations, after the sun had set and the castle had gone to sleep. He was led to Belos’s chambers. Whispered in his ear, ”I’ve never been more proud.”. The rest of it made Hunter confused, but everytime he tried to push away, Belos would say it again. I’m so proud of you, and Hunter would go still. Because Belos was proud and he would not ruin that, no matter what it met.
He remembered, after it all, not being able to move for hours. When he was finally alone he began sobbing hysterically. Inconsolable and crying until the sun came up.
Darius didn’t need to know that. No one did.
“Fourteen,” Darius repeated. Hunter watched as the man’s pupils expanded and his breathing went back to normal. Darius shifted, looking around the room before landing back on Hunter. They stared at each other for a moment before Darius sucked in a deep breath. “Sorry, I- hold on.” Darius made his way to the couch and sat down.
Hunter turned to face him, but didn’t follow. He wasn’t going to trap himself by sitting down.
Darius rested his elbows on his knees, hands were clasped together. He wasn't looking at Hunter, instead, his eyes were fixed on the floor. He took another deep breath, Hunter did too. It didn't help. “Okay,” Darius began in a soft voice, “I’m sorry about my reaction, I didn't mean to scare or upset you.”
Hunter wished that he could feel something, maybe more anger or sadness. He wanted to feel like he was on the verge of tears and to break down sobbing. He didn't feel that though, he didn't feel anything at all. There was just… apathy. Like his brain was shutting down before it could begin to feel anything at all.
There was still left over hurt simmering in him, but it wasn't enough to make him feel much. Not enough to yell or cry like he wanted too. Hunter shrugged, “It's fine.”
Darius’s foot started to tap, “Are-” his voice broke. That caught Hunter's attention, Hunter wasn’t crying, or feeling much at all. Darius, on the other hand, was on the verge of tears. Darius shuttered, “Are you okay? I mean-” he huffed, “Bad question. Do you want to talk about it- or?”
Hunter's stomach hurt. It ached inside of him as if it was too big, pushing against his lungs and making it hard to breathe. The steady realization that someone else knew was beginning to form. That finally caused an emotion in Hunter's brain, one of panic. Hunter didn't want to talk about it, but he did have questions, dozens of them. He had to know Darius wasn't disgusted with him, that Darius wouldn't kick him out or hate him or-
“Camila said it was wrong. That-that it happened.” It wasn't much of a question, more of a statement. Hunter's brows were furrowed, Darius’s eyes widened.
“Yes,” he said instantly, “Yes Hunter that's wrong that's- rape Hunter. You were raped.”
Hunter wondered if it was physically possible for him to blow up. He swore to the Titan below that if he heard that word one more time he would rip the Galderstone out of his chest and let himself die. He couldn't explain the rage that filled him when he heard that word applied to him. It felt pathetic, untrue. A dirty lie. He had not been raped, because he had wanted it, at least a few times, and that was enough. He did not want pity he didn’t deserve.
The anger came back tenfold, hot and bubbling up in his body. “No I wasn't.” He was so sure about this. It didn't matter what Camila said and it didn't matter what Darius was saying now. He didn't love it, but it had never been forced on him. He didn't want it to happen again, and sometimes it scared him to think about it. That was it, he was not unconscious and he was not a child.
Darius looked sad, his eyes full of sorrow. Hunter had never seen him look like that before. He had seen Darius cry, but those times did not look so full of distraught. “Hunter,” he breathed, the name spoken with heavy grief. “Hunter- you- Camila was right. That should have never happened to you, I’m so sorry that happened to you-” his voice broke again.
Hunter looked away, unable to see Darius cry, he wasn't sure if he could handle it. Part of him was worried his anger would go away if he realized that he was making Darius cry, and he still wanted to feel something. Anything, even fury was better than nothing. “It's- it's fine. I just didn't-” it wasn't fine. It wasn't fine at all. Hunter wasn’t sure it was rape, but he was sure he didn’t want to be touched like that again. And the thought of it coming from Darius broke him in a way he couldn't explain. He closed his eyes tightly, “I just didn't want you to- to do anything like that. And-” Damn tears, Hunter was angry. All of this, it felt stupid. “I would rather you let me touch you than have you touch me which-which is dumb but I think it would be better.” Hunter kept his glare on the floor, like he could rip the carpet out with his eyes.
Darius choked in a breath, “No- no Hunter-” Hunter heard him stand up.
Part of Hunter felt some comfort that the idea horrified Darius almost as much as it horrified him. Horror meant it wouldn't happen.
“Hunter,” Darius’s voice was much closer than it was before, Hunter didn't look up. “I would never, ever do that to you.” Darius was crying, it was evident in voice and how his words clipped at the end. His breathing was labored. “I’m so sorry I didnt- I never would. I don't know when-or why that happened or what reason he gave but- never. Okay? I wouldn't hurt you like that, for any reason.”
The feeling of anger mixed with relief was a confusing emotion. Filled with biting words and shaking knees. Hunter wanted to collapse, to knock himself out on the way down and sleep until next week. He felt rage bubbling in his chest mixed with dizziness that came with knowing he was safe. It was overwhelming. “Cool,” Hunter said, and closed his eyes again. The black behind his eyelids was less stimulating than the endless colors the world around had to offer.
Hunter didn’t know why he was so angry. It wasn’t like he was angry with Darius, or even with himself. He just was. He wanted to lash out, to place the anger outside of him and let it burn its path. Hunter was feeling an uncontrollable kind of anger, one he had no idea what to do with.
He was tired.
“You- do you want to talk- or- I guess we could-”
Hunter cut him off with a shrug, “I dont care.”
“That's not true,” Darius whispered, Hunter felt him shifting to the side. “I want to know what you need right now.”
Hunter opened his eyes, they instantly started to burn. “There isn't anything to talk about,” he whispered, “I know it was wrong, and- and that it won't happen again. Does anything else matter?”
Darius was quiet, “A hug?” He asked.
Hunter blindly tilted to the side, trusting that Darius would catch him. And he did. Darius seemed desperate as he wrapped Hunter up into the hug. It made Hunter's stomach hurt more, to know how much Darius had wanted to hug him. Darius squeezed, far tighter than normal, and Hunter didn’t comment on it. He let his head rest against Daius’s chest and let his hands lay limp at his sides. Darius squished him tight, his hands gentle. He pushed Hunter's head further into his chest and rubbed Hunter's back.
Hunter could feel now that Darius’s heart was racing.
Hunter felt guilty, that this was how Darius reacted. He knew Darius would be upset if Hunter ever told him, he just didn’t know how much. It was still weird though… to know that people cared. Hunter had always treated the whole thing like a simple fact of life. No one else saw it that way. Two for two of the people he told were brought to tears.
It was a lot of power for something Hunter never thought too hard about. Though he had been thinking about it a lot more recently.
Hunter was pulled from his thoughts when he felt a small kiss pressed into the crown of his head. He looked up a little, Darius was still crying, his chin was wobbling. Hunter looked back down and brought up one arm to hug Darius back. The other was squished intbetwen their two bodies, it was useless to try and move it.
“Little prince,” Darius breathed, “I’m so sorry.”
He kept saying that, and Hunter didnt know how to respond. It wasn't fine, but it also was. It was a big deal, and it wasn't. There wasn't anything he could say to try and explain that.
“If I knew that he was-” Darius sighed, “I would have killed him.”
Like before, it was as simple as flipping a switch. The last embers of Hunter's anger suddenly sparked to life. A forest fire in his body. Hunter wasn't sure where he got the energy from, or how he had it in him to push Darius away and take a step back.
“That's not true and you know it.” Hunter snapped
Darius’s arms were still hovering like Hunter hadn’t moved. “I- What?”
“You wouldn't have done anything,” Hunter wasn’t sure how his anger was able to come back so fresh. They had fought about this before, that Darius hadn't been there for him. And Darius apologized for it constantly. Yet there were still some days that it was his deepest hurt, today was one of them.
Darius lowered his hands and blinked off the last of his tears, “Hunter, what do you-”
“You wouldn't have done anything if you knew.” Hunter folded his arms, “What- you- you knew he hit me. Didn't you? By the time you had taught me to sew?” Darius had seen how Hunter looked at him every time he did a stitch wrong. Hunter had watched as Darius put two and two together and suddenly wanted sewing lessons daily. “You knew he hit me. Was that not enough? Was that not fucked up enough for you? Would you have only saved me if you knew I was having sex with him?” Hunter was snarling. Hundreds of thoughts and words buzzing in his head he was trying to string together. Trying to explain his hurt with what he had.
Darius blinked. He looked pained, taken back. Deep in Hunter, he wanted to apologize to say he didn't mean it. But he did not have that control over himself, not now. All he was now was angry. He didn't want to apologize, because he meant it. Darius stared at him for a moment, he was lost for words. He had nothing to piece together, trying to figure out what to say as he said it. “No- no Hunter you deserved to get out of that place regardless. But that- that's not what I meant, I only meant that had I known earlier I would have-”
“Done nothing.” Hunter cut him off, again. “You wouldn't have done anything.” Hunter knew that, because Darius didn't do anything before. Darius was only nice to him once he had proved himself, and nothing in the world made him more upset. “You didn't care that I existed until what? A year ago? Maybe two? I wasn't good enough to be saved until I rebelled, remember?” Darius stepped back. “Who cares if the mindless child soldier is being- what? Beaten and- and ‘raped’.” Hunter waved his fingers around. He didn't believe that was what happened to him, Darius did. “No,” he spat, “You only cared the second I showed you what you deemed as a good enough personality. No one gave a shit about what happened before!”
Darius recovered quicker this time. He had been working on not instantly defending himself, understanding deeper the way his actions hurt those around him. He was a good man, open to change and adjustment. “I regret not helping you sooner,” Darius began. His voice was as careful as his words. He spoke slowly, quietly. “At the time, I thought you only existed as an extension of Belos,” Darius stuttered as he tried to breathe, “That wasn't true. You were a person before you showed defiance to me, and that person was worthy of being helped and loved. I didn't see that, and that will always be my mistake, Not yours. I should not have expected you to go against the man who raised you so-“
“No, you shouldn't have.” That's what got Hunter the most. Because Darius had no idea what that little act of defiance might have cost him. Belos would have killed him for that, tossed him aside and replaced him with another copy.
“I know, and I'm sorry that I let my grief hurt you. You shouldn't have had to prove yourself to me to get my attention. You didn't do anything wrong by existing.”
“I did though,” Hunter mumbled as he looked to the ground. He felt tears burn in the back of his eyes and forced them away. He wanted to be angry, not sad. He wanted to scream, not cry. He had spent too much of his life being a pathetic sobbing mess to anyone who looked his way, and he was sick of it. “I didn't do anything right, not by you,” He looked back up, glaring, “I really appreciated the what- two months of kindness you gave me. It almost made up for you ignoring me my entire life,” then he added, “And when you weren't ignoring me you ridiculed me. Just because I wasn't someone else.” That made Darius flinch. Hunter knew it was too far to push, that the topic of his mentor was one still sensitive to Darius. And yet that didn't keep Hunter from doing it.
“You want to say you would have done something if you knew, but the truth is you would have never noticed. You hated me. You can tell yourself that you would have ripped belos apart so you can sleep at night, but you wouldn't have.” A tear fell down Hunter's face, he ignored it. His face was burning, his vision was fuzzy. “If I didnt tell you- if I wasn’t so fucking obvious about all of my trauma you would have never noticed.” Flinching at raised hands and voices. The kneeling or preaching about being useful. Without it, Darius would have lived peacefully never knowing anything was wrong. “You didn't care enough about me to look at me long enough to ever have seen it yourself.”
Hunter was reaching deep in his body and throwing out anything he could that would hit Darius. That would make him feel half as hurt as Hunter felt right now. “And when you did, you were thinking of someone else.”
It worked. There was a flash of anger or pain that crossed Darius’s face, one that was replaced with sorrow. His brows were furrowed, his eyes were sad. It was clear in Darius’s body that he was grieving.
Hunter wondered if there was something he was missing. If it was something he could figure out if he pushed hard enough.
“That's not-” Darius paused, shaking his head. “No, that's fair. That's fair, I understand that you're angry.”
“You have no idea how angry I am!” Hunter finally got out the scream that had been building up in his throat. “I'm so sorry I wasn't your mentor, I'm sorry he died! I'm sorry I couldn't be him! I'm sorry Grimwalkers have to have their own personalities or you could have had him back. It's a damn shame I was the one who got to live right?” More tears, more spit. Some of it landed on Darius’s arms. It made Hunter want to scream louder, to make Darius feel dirty the same way he felt dirty.
“No- no,” Darius’s voice was full of horror, of pain. He took a step forward with his hand out, “Hunter I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're alive. I miss him and- and I let my mourning take over me for many years but I am so glad I have you-” Darius’s voice broke.
Hunter stared at him for a long time, there was something else there. Something Hunter wanted to notice. Something that was making Darius more and more upset. Hunter searched for it, using nothing but their conversation and the look in Darius’s eyes.
It clicked, after just a moment.
Hunter startled back, his eyes wide.
“Oh,” he whispered, “oh...” Hunter paused, letting his brain put the last of the pieces together. He breathed, “You were in love with him, weren't you.”
Darius said nothing.
“You were in love with my predecessor,” Hunter whispered, “You didn't just lose a mentor you- you lost someone you loved-” For a moment all of it made Hunter want to cry even more. Darius lost so much and it was replaced with him. It was relapsed with Hunter. And Darius was heartbroken. Hunter could see it now, it seemed obvious. It all seemed obvious, just how in love Darius had been. Hunter felt stupid for not noticing it before.
“I… was. I was in love with him.”
The shock of it all washed away, and the revelation made Hunter more angry than he was before. Darius didn't get his lover, he got some fucked up kid. And that must have been so hard for Darius. That his beloved Golden Guard was replaced with a brat. Hunter seethed. “Are you mad now?”
“Now? About what?”
It took a moment for Hunter to think of something cruel enough to say. It was not in the heat of the moment, it was deliberate. Hunter wanted to tear Darius apart, and he was going to. Hunter was calm, the only kind of calmness that came with being enraged.
“Are you mad that Belos got to fuck him and you didn’t?”
Finally, Darius looked angry. Hunter squared his shoulders and waited. He waited for Darius to scream at him, to call him every horrible thing he could think of. He waited for Darius to grab the crystal ball or a glass from the other room and throw it at Hunter. He waited for Darius to cross the room and beat Hunter until begging was no longer an option. He waited for Darius to calmly ask him to get out of the house and never come back. Hunter wanted it, he wanted to fight.
Darius turned away, his hands went limp at his sides. He stood still, no shaking or breathing. He said nothing, his body facing the opposite wall.
A good son would have apologized by now. A good son would have apologized thousands of times by now. Saying he didn't mean it and that he was sorry, that he shouldn't have used his hurt against Darius just because he was upset. A good son would ask for a hug and forgiveness.
A good nephew would have already been kneeling. Waiting patiently for a punishment and whispering apologizes the entire time. A good nephew would be on his knees and take whatever happened to him.
But Hunter was an awful nephew, and an even worse son.
“I’m going to Camilas,” he whispered. The house was suffocating him, and if Darius wouldn't kick him out, he would do it himself. Really, it was what he deserved. Hunter was sure if he could never look Darius in the eye again, and he had to leave before that happened.
Finally, Darius turned to him. Tears were dripping down his face one after the other. Almost uncontrollable. His eyes however, were empty, lifeless. Still and unfeeling, “Okay,” Darius paused, “Will you be back?”
“I don't know,” Hunter said with complete honesty. Maybe someday, if he stopped feeling angry. Though he wasn't sure if that would ever happen. He felt certain that he would die in this state of rage, making everyone around him suffer.
“Okay, get there safely.” Darius turned away again.
Without anything but his clothes, Hunter left the house.