Chapter Text
Mimi: Hey guys, I found a spider. Cool little lad. Thanks for eating the mosquitos.
Mimi: Oh no, where did it go?
Nastasia: MIMI WHAT THE FUCK?!
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Laura: It’s the gift that keeps giving!
Mimi: It’s the flower that keeps blooming!
Nastasia: It’s the boat that keeps sailing!
Dimentio: It’s the serial killer that keeps stabbing!
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Laura: If a demon possessed me, I’d just be like, “Okay, take it from here, good luck man.”
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Count Bleck: I currently have 7 empty notebooks and I have no idea what to put in them. Any suggestions?
Mr. L: Put spaghetti in it.
Count Bleck: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone but you.
Laura: Put spaghetti in it.
Count Bleck: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone but you two.
Dimentio: Put spaghetti in it.
Count Bleck: I am no longer taking suggestions.
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Nastasia: Who the fuck-
Count Bleck: Language!
Nastasia: Whom the fuck-
Count Bleck: No.
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Mimi: What are you guys playing?
Dimentio: Go Fish.
Mimi: That’s a nice, safe game.
Mimi: But don’t you need cards?
Dimentio: Where do you keep the spear gun?
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Dimentio: Protip, you do not feel good about yourself after eating tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce.
Laura: What's wrong with you??
Dimentio: I literally JUST said I ate tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce?? Pay attention.
Count Bleck: No, they mean other than that.
Dimentio: Ohhhhhh.
Dimentio: I haven't slept in 4 days.
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Laura: I’m sick and tired of being called 'mortal' like, you don’t know that. Neither do I. I have never died even ONCE. Nothing has been proven yet. Stop making assumptions. It’s rude.
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*In a group chat*
Count Bleck: A pegan just flew into my window.
Nastasia: Pegan?
Dimentio: A what?
Mr. L: Ah yes, my favourite bird, the Pegan.
Laura: I thought you said penguin for a second, LMAO!
Mr. L: Just a normal day with flying penguins crashing into my window.
Laura: You have pigeons flying into your window? Can't relate, I have penguins flying into my window.
Count Bleck: I literally just made a typo-
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Laura: "Go hang a salami" backwards is "I'm a lasagna hog".
Dimentio: How did either of those sentences occur naturally for you to discover this?
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Dimentio, holding a gun: If the conspiracies about life being a simulation are true, WHOEVER IS CONTROLLING MY SIM, I JUST WANNA TALK.
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Laura: If I run and leap at Dimentio, they will most certainly catch me in their arms.
Laura, running towards Dimentio: Coming in!
Dimentio: No! I’m holding coffee!
Dimentio: *Drops coffee and catches Laura*
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Laura: Fight me!
Dimentio, standing behind them and holding a knife: *mouths* Do not.
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Laura, looking at a map: It’s a barren, featureless wasteland out there, isn't it?
Dimentio: Other side, Laura...
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Laura: *accidentally eats something too spicy so their eyes start to water*
Mimi: Laura, look at me. It's okay. I would die for you. I love you so much. You're the best person I know.
Laura: I'm not crying?
Mimi, hugging Laura's head: Shush baby, it's okay. Dimentio is here and they love you with their whole heart.
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Laura: Unfortunately, due to several experiences in my youth, I cannot just 'walk up and join a circle of people talking', but it does sound lovely, thank you.
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*playing twister*
Mimi: Right hand red.
Laura: *ends up on top of Dimentio*
Dimentio: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
Mimi: I stopped spinning like 15 minutes ago. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice.
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O’Chunks: Don't go to the kitchen.
Mr. L: Why?
O’Chunks: I saw a spider.
Mr. L: Well, did you kill it?
O’Chunks: It has 8 arms and I only have 2, it's not fair...
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Laura: Vegetable oil is made from vegetables, coconut oil is made from coconuts, so BABY OIL-
Nastasia: CAN'T WE JUST HAVE A NICE FAMILY DINNER FOR ONCE?!
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Laura: Advice of the day kids, if you ever meet someone who calls Gatorade flavors the actual name of the flavor instead of just the color then they are a certified nerd.
Nastasia: Yeah but you have to specify, frost glacier or cool blue? You can’t just say blue because there’s more than one blue.
Laura: Blue and light blue, nice try nerd.
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Nastasia: Your lover doesn't have the mental strength to caramelize onions.
Laura: Your lover thinks it takes 5-10 minutes to caramelize onions.
Mr. L: Who's fucking caramelizing onions? Have you all forgotten that apples exist?
Mimi: Do you think caramelizing onions is putting caramel on onions.
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O’Chunks, gesturing to Count Bleck: Mimi, look what you did! You made Mom upset!
Laura: Mom, please don’t cry, we’re sorry!
Mimi: I’m sorry Mom... :(
Count Bleck, near tears: I DON’T REMEMBER GIVING BIRTH TO ANY OF YOU!
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Mr. L: Do you take constructive criticism?
Laura: Not without crying.
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Mr. L: What are you writing?
Dimentio: The government wants to know what kind of weapons we have in the house. I'm letting them know it's private information.
Nastasia, looking over Dimentio's shoulder: This just says 'fuck around and find out' in calligraphy.
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Laura: ATTENTION: I HAVE BREACHED CONTAINMENT.
Laura: DO NOT PANIC, I AM SIMPLY GETTING A SNACK.
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Mr. L: See, the problem is, O’Chunks, you’re playing 3D chess. I’m playing 4D chess.
O’Chunks: I’m playing checkers. I don’t know what the fuck you’re playing.
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Laura: Why be bored when you can be taped to a ceiling?
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Laura, taping a knife onto a Roomba: Be free, my child.
Dimentio, entering the room with a small cut on their ankle: Who the f-
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Mr. L: *venting endlessly to Mimi about their week*
Mimi, every once in a while: *in a monotone voice* Wow, that is so wild.
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Laura: I want to be like a caterpillar.
Dimentio: Explain.
Laura: Eat a lot, sleep for a while, wake up beautiful.
Nastasia: You know they have a lifespan of a week, right?
Laura: …
Laura: That's just another highlight!
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Police: You’re under arrest for trying to carry three people on a single motorcycle.
Laura, with Dimentio and Nastasia behind them: Wait, what do you mean THREE?!
Police: Yes…three.
Laura: Oh, my God—What the fuck!?
Police: Wha-
Laura: MIMI FUCKING FELL OFF!
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Laura: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute.
Nastasia: No, that's not how you make cookies.
Mr. L: FLOOR IT!!
Mimi: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!?
Nastasia: YOU'RE GONNA BURN THE CASTLE DOWN-
Laura: I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES!
Dimentio: DO IT!
Nastasia: NO-
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Laura: Where’s Dimentio?
Mimi: Around.
Laura: Around?
Laura: You don’t have any idea, do you?
Dimentio, dropping down from above: Did you know there’s a space above the ceiling?
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Laura: I wanna sleep for 40 hours.
Mr. L: You know that's called a coma, right?
Laura: …
Laura: That sounds so refreshing, I could totally go for a light coma right now.
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Mimi: How did none of you hear what I just said?!
Laura: I've been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.
Nastasia: I got distracted halfway through.
Dimentio: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.
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Mimi: Being gay is a constant battle between "I wish to sit on a window bench with my lover, our legs tangling as we listen to the birds" and "Hey, let's go throw rocks at fascists", and I think that's very sexy of us.
Nastasia: If the window's open and you time it right, you can do both.
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Count Bleck, pointing to the wall: What color is this?
Mimi: Gray.
Laura: Gray.
Count Bleck, turning to O’Chunks: Now tell them what color you think it is.
O’Chunks: Dark white.
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Laura: Good morning.
Mimi: Good morning.
Nastasia: Good morning.
Dimentio: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit.
Mr. L: MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS!
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Count Bleck: Mr. L got into a fight.
Laura: That’s bad.
Laura: …
Laura: Did they win?
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Mimi: We’ve been conducting an ongoing study to see what O’Chunks will and will not eat.
Dimentio: Grass? Yes!
Mimi: Moss? Yes!
Dimentio: Leaves? Ohh, yes!
Mimi: Shoelaces? Strange, but true!
Dimentio: Worms? Sometimes!
Mimi: Rocks? Usually nah.
Dimentio: Twigs? Usually!
Mimi: Count Bleck's cooking? Inconclusive!
Nastasia: How did you…test this?
Mimi: We just handed him stuff and said ‘eat this’ and if he eats it, he eats it.
Nastasia: ...I don’t know how to feel about this.
Laura: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT?!
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Mr. L: I hate to say ‘I told you so’—
Dimentio: No, you don’t. You would marry 'I told you so’ and have a baby with it and buy adjoining burial plots.
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Dimentio: I’m a reverse necromancer.
Laura: Isn’t that just killing people?
Dimentio: Ah, technically.
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Laura: When I get Doordash, I order 20 cheeseburgers at a time. I heat them up throughout the week, so I don’t have to pay the delivery fee multiple times.
Mimi: I hope you understand how food poisoning works.
Laura: I hope food poisoning understands how I work. I’ve never met a burger I couldn’t eat.
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Count Bleck: Man, it smells like wrongdog out here.
Laura: …
Laura: Count Bleck, are you alright?
Count Bleck: *sobs*
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Mr. L: Well, needless to say. Uh-oh Spaghetti-os.
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Laura: It’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s free: pouring river water into your socks!
Mr. L: Why would I do that?
Laura: It’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s free!
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Mr. L: The waiter at Olive Garden has been grating my cheese for 6 hours now, waiting for me to say when. Customers are screaming. Three people have died.
Mr. L: I will not yield.
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Laura: It is 6:09.
Laura: I am wondering why I’m still alive.
Laura: Send Wendy’s.
Dimentio: The whole restaurant?!
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Count Bleck: So, Laura is no longer allowed to take the trash out at night.
Nastasia: Why?
Count Bleck: Because I've caught them trying to train raccoons to fight five times in a row.
Laura, arms crossed and pouting: You'll be thanking me when the third raccoon battalion saves your ass.
…
Nastasia: Stop setting things on fire because you're curious about what will happen. What will happen is fire.
Laura: But what if something else happens just this one time.