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Chapter Text

The younger boys still hadn't found a way back to their dimension, and while leo thought he and his brothers counterparts were pretty cool people, he was at his wits end. 

They had been stuck here for over a week, and despite having two donatellos, their resources were still limited. 

Even his own brothers were bothering him. All of them had been throwing 'slumber parties' and then proceeding to sleep all day, mostly the michelangelos, but the others had contributed. 

And while yes, leo did join in with them a couple times, he was so tired. 

He hadnt told anyone, but they had been keeping him up all night with their noise, with their constant energy. 

He knew they could be slightly impulsive, so if someone wasnt playing mother hen then they could probably get into trouble. 

And that fact gave him immense amounts of paranoia, that was only amplified by not sleeping. 

Everytime he turned around he saw someone running around a corner, zipping past him. He didnt know which turtle it was, but it was always someone. 

There was always someone doing something that looked like they werent supposed to. Ruining something.

And he couldnt tell anyone about it, because they would say hes being dramatic! That nothings actually wrong because they're surprisingly chill for have their dimensions crossed at the moment. 

They would think hes crazy, leos not crazy? Hes just tired of everything buzzing around so much! Thats all it was.

He couldnt sleep during the day. He can only nap when completely alone, or in the comfort of somebodies embrace so he had a constant, concrete reminder that everything was going fine. 

Usually it was with casey, but the humans hadnt been down in the lair as much this week because it was already overcrowded. 

Occasionally he would pass out, but not for long, and that apparently wasnt proper rest.

So it was just an insanely stupid loop, as per usual. 

The only difference is, their counterparts arent accustomed to an insomniac leo with 'symptoms of psychosis-- schizophrenia' ? or whatever donnie said. Leo cant remember, and refuses to listen because donnies wrong wrong wrong.

Obviously.

It was the afternoon, which weirdly enough was always when the leader felt most tired. 

Leon, which was the nickname they used to call the leonardos different names, had watched one training session and begged leo to show him his personal training methods. 

So he has been, almost every afternoon. If the slider was awake, he would join leo in the dojo. 

Today was a day where leo only stretched and meditated, which never went well. Leon didnt usually have the patience to sit and meditate for hours at a time, but instead of leaving, he would often just try to annoy the fuck out of the older until he showed him something else. 

The thing is, leo didnt have the patience for him today. 

He was at his breaking point. There was too much happening. 

"Oh my god leon, can you actually just shut your mouth?" He had started to raise his voice, standing up from his position on the floor to match the other. 

There was like this weird cloud around the slider that made him look evil - it was overwhelming. 

"Why are you being such a grumpy bum today big blue, do you need a nap?" Leon smirked, trying to make him more frustrated. He doesnt know leo well enough to be able to tell when hes genuinely angry, to notice the signs. 

"Because you're being fucking annoying!" Leo yelled, getting more worked up by the second. His fists were clenched by his sides and shaking.

Leons face contorted into something annoyed as well, voice changing. "Dude, you're being a boring old asshole!"

"Oh boo hoo," leo mocked him, rolling his eyes in annoyance. "Piss off."

The slider didnt like how heated this was getting, trying to defuse it with a joke and not get too serious. It was supposed to be funny, he was in a good mood. "Bro you're bein' real mean right now. You'll make me cry." 

The older wasnt having any of it though, he was overstimulated and unable to regulate himself at the moment. "Go run back to your dad then, you stupid child."

Leons emotions often bounced off of others, easily influenced, and he couldnt help what came out of his mouth next, feeling overly defensive for no real reason. "Atleast i have a dad to run back to!"

...

"Leo I--" He tried, face dropping in instant regret. He could hear the others urgent footsteps, listening as they got closer.

"get out." 

"Man Im--" He shrinked back as he watched leos face change--

"GET OUT GET OUT GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING DOJO!" The older screamed in his face, squeezing his eyes shut and his hands flapped violently. 

The doors burst open and leon whipped his head around to see donatello and raphael, his brothers counterparts. 

"GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT" His head snapped back to the other blue turtle in the room, eyes widening at the sudden screaming. 

Then he started hitting himself and leon couldn't help but reach forward to try and stop him. "Woa--" 

Someone taller grabbed him from behind, turning around and being met with donatello. 

"Dont try it, he'll rip you to fucking pieces and you'll just scare him more," the scientist said gently, offering a small smile that looked more like a grimace. 

"Im sorry," was all he could think to say, gulping and noticing his own brothers peeking in. 

Donatello pulled him behind him, looking at them all before ushering them out. "Best to leave, mikey will fill you guys in a bit." 

"Are you sure you have him?" Michelangelo asked worriedly, glancing back inside. 

Raphael had moved past to grab his brother, practically wrestle him away from himself before he ended up bleeding, or worse. Leo still screamed, flailing and wailing frantically as if something was trying to hurt him. 

His raph had done the same, pulling leon in close when donatello moved him away from the eldest. "Are you okay leo? What happened?" The slider just nodded in response, unable to take his guilty eyes away from leo.

"Ill call out if we need you mike, please get them out of here." 

...

"What was that?" Donnie asked, brows furrowed as they all sat down in the pit, occasionally glancing back at the dojo when hearing noises. 

Michelangelo took a deep breath before answering, expression almost blank. "Leo gets like that sometimes, sometimes its over different things, has different... levels, I guess." 

"What does that mean?" Raph asked, still holding his younger brother close to him. "Hes a cool little guy, seems chill but then all the sudden just--" 

"He is a cool guy and hes an amazing brother," the orange turtle quickly defends. "He just struggles. A lot. Our splinter wasnt the best dad, especially to him. But leo still loved him, and hes trying his best to be a great sensei and dad for us, even though we dont want him to. He always has." 

Leon clicked guiltily, fiddling with his fingers. "Im sorry for what I said, I snapped and--" 

"Its okay. By the sounds of it, it wasnt your fault. It would've just stung a little," the orange turtle explains, offering a small smile. 

"Then why," donnie pushed, eyes calculated as he leaned forward slightly. 

"Usually because he hasnt been sleeping. Insomnia, nightmares, stuff like that. He gets real extreme without sleep, and has done some crazy things. It makes the psychosis worse," michelangelo hummed, looking down at his lap. "This family has their fair share of issues, especially lee." 

"Oh same, dont worry!" Angelo piped up, offering his most comforting smile. "Leo here has a whole list of things goin' on in his head." He looks to his brother to continue, not wanting to reveal anything he didnt want told. 

Leon nodded his head, grinning and attempting to keep the mood semi-light-hearted. "Mis hermano is right. Bit fucked up." 

Michelangelo seemed to relax a little more at that. "My leo has always had really bad signs since he was little, and hes autistic, but we were little and didnt know. Other things developed later, when we were fifteen and just slowly got wor--" 

"MIKEY." 

"Shoot," the orange turtle muttered, getting up and offering a wobbly smile. "Ill be back, just stay here. Sorry." 

He ran into the dojo, taking in the sight infront of him. 

Leo was on the ground, arms raised as his hands were palming the sides of his head over and over. His kees were raised while he rocked, eyes wide and murmuring about danger and people doing things they're not supposed to. 

Raph was sitting a few feet away, holding his cheek that had nasty red scratches dripping blood. 

Donnie was infront of the blue turtle, also a few feet away, hands out as he tried to talk to his brother. "There is nobody here but your brothers. We are not doing anything. We are not in danger. There is nobody out to get us." 

"You're wrong you're wrong you're wrong YOU'RE WRONG," leo suddenly screamed through ragged, uneven breaths, hitting his head harder. 

"Donnie," mikey breathed out, making both middle children snap their head to him. 

The purple turtle gave raph a look, getting up as he took his place and hurried towards the youngest. "When was the last time you remember leo taking any of his medication?" 

Mikey had to search his brain. He had no idea. 

"Fuck," donnie cursed softly, flinching when leo screamed again, thrashing violently. "I need you to go get a midazolam injection. He wont calm down and hes going to seriously hurt us or himself." 

"Fuck, leo-- shit! Its fine! STOP." 

The taller rushed back over to his brothers when leo wailed over his twins words, being held tightly by raph. 

Mikey panicked when he saw donnie kick a bloody tantō across the room, reaching for leos bleeding and quickly bruising arms.

Fuck. Fuck-- He hasnt been this bad since--

"Mikey get it NOW." 

He raced out of the room, seeing the four other turtles up and watching him worriedly. "I--I--" 

"What do you need?" Leon asked, assuming it was some kind of medical equipment that he needed to get. 

"M--midazolam inje-- je-- je--" Even though mikey couldnt get the words out through his weeping, the slider rushed into the med-bay, knowing what he was talking about from his extensive medical research. 

His red brothers counterpart scooped him up close, comfortingly as he tried to get himself under control. Angelo offered words of comfort, patting his shell and showing him breathing techniques. 

"Its okay little man, you're okay buddy." 

Don had stood close by, unapologetically wanting nothing to do with this entire situation. 

Leon ran out of the med-bay, seeing Michelangelo preoccupied and deciding to go into the dojo himself. 

When he entered his eyes widened; it was so much worse than he had thought. 

He felt like he was looking at himself, through the eyes of his brothers after the kraang invasion.

"Donatello!" He called out, seeing all three boys heads snap towards his, even leos. 

But the blue turtle didnt notice the shot, growling and whining at the same time at the sliders return. "You're out to ruin everything! GET OUT OF MY DOJO! HE HATES YOU" 

It was all a blur; suddenly leonardo punched his purple brother in the face, kicking his twin and swatting at him. They, out of accidental surprise, loosened their grip on him and he sprang up, leaping straight towards leon. 

The slider tried to dodge, but the older was faster and stronger, more experienced, pinning him to the ground by his shoulders and screaming over and over. 

Leon tried hard to ignore the similarity flashing in his mind, not hesitating to stab the needle into the leader and watching as it dropped to the floor and rolled away, blood dripping off of his body and onto the smaller. 

He didnt even seem to notice the injection, continuing to scream delusional claims that made no logical sense in leons mind.

It was only a few seconds before his counterpart was ripped off of him, the slider quickly scrambling backwards and hitting someones legs as he tried to calm his breathing. 

Looking up he saw his brothers, as well as michelangelo. His twin took a second to look at him before sitting down and bumping their foreheads together, letting the slider keep his flapping hands as he squeezed his eyes shut tightly.

"You're okay, you're in the sewers, with your brothers," donnie promised gently, having gone through this countless times. 

Leon took a shaky breath, nodding his head a few minutes later as his brother pulled away. "I-- Im okay. I just... got a bit funny," he murmured, reopening his eyes. 

He glanced around donnie, noticing there was no more screaming. 

Raphael had leonardo held protectively, curled into his plastron as he rocked back and forth softly. The blood on his cheek was mostly dried, and his eyes held the most softness any of the younger boys had seen in the last week.

"Everything's okay leo. Everythings okay." 

Donatello was very close to the both of them, tears falling down as blood trickled from his nose in the same direction. 

And leonardo? The leader had finally stopped screaming and thrashing, resting limply as his glazed, teary eyes stared at nothing. He sniffled and hiccupped, but had stopped fighting. He was still covered in blood; his hands, arms, face. 

Leon watched as donatello took a deep, shaky breath before standing, walking out of the dojo. It didnt take him long to return, holding a bag and taking the position he had earlier. 

He startes pulling out medical supplies and leon couldn't just sit there, getting up and going to help. "Let me give you a hand," he said gently, taking a seat and offering a small smile. 

Donatello shook his head. "I--I can do it." 

"I'll do whatever you tell me to do, but dude theres a lot going on and my raph has the mikeys who are both scared of blood, and tello literally wants nothing to do with any of this, the new environment is already too overwhelming," leon explained, unpacking the bag to see what supplies they were dealing with. "Let me help." 

"Fine," the purple turtle breathed out, glancing at his brothers. "Can you look at raphs face while I plug my nose a--and make sure leo doesn't need stitches?" 

The slider merely nodded in response, scooching over to the hot-headed version of his own eldest brother. The red turtle was eerily quiet, ceasing his rocking but still holding his twin protectively. "Its nothin'."

"Hush mister macho man, let me do my thing," leon teased lightly, a faint smile resting on his face when raphael growled but turned his face closer, closing his eyes when the younger turtle started to clean the scratch. 

"Is it bad?" Donnie asked, sounding slightly nasally with tissues temporarily shoved up his nose. 

Leon assumes he was referring to his older brothers face. "Nah, the bleeding stopped. A couple pieces of tape and he'll be fine." 

"Tol'ja," the red turtle murmured, making both the others roll their eyes. 

Leon now switched his attention to what donatello was doing with leonardo, seeing that he was readying a needle. "He needs stitches?" 

"Just on his hand," donnie mumbled, squinting his eyes.

"Let me do it, you took a pretty good hit to your face." Leon took the equipment and set it up easily. "Are you the medic?" 

Donatello shook his head. "Leo is. But I learnt a lot because he almost dies all the time and was in a coma for three months." 

Leon nodded his head, not commenting and working on the olders hand while the taller moved to clean the blood off of... basically everywhere on the leaders body.

His eyes were still open, despite being heavy and droopy, still hazily focused on nothing as he laid silently. Raphael had sat him up, still holding him, humming softly in his ear a tune leon registered as familiar, but not knowing what it was. 

"Hey raphie," there was a sudden mumble, michelangelo appearing behind his older brother, still sniffling. "I--I called april and casey, and they'll be down here in'a minute. Is that okay?" 

"Thats fine mike," Raphael quickly assured, giving a gentle smile. "Good job today little brother. You did good." 

The youngers bottom lip quivered, voice wobbly. "Buh--but I did barely anythin' to hel'p."

"You did what I asked you to do, which was more than enough," donatello piped up, shuffling over so he could take the smaller into his arms. "Everythings okay." 

"Tha' was rea--really bad dee," the orange turtle mumbled, hiding his face. 

Leon finished with the stitches, now able to wrap leos arms and hand in bandages to cover up the all too familiar wounds. 

They heard footsteps and voices calling out, suddenly seeing their two human friends appear at the door. "Boys? God, what happened?" 

April and casey walked past the younger turtles, the red head stopping to say a quick hello and check on them before running to Michelangelo and Donatello. Casey went immediatly to Leonardo and Raphael, checking on them immediatly. "What happened?"

"Your boyfriend and my brother got into an idiotic fight about something and then he went into a violent, almost psychotic episode and had to be sedated." 

"Donnie!" 

"Dee, stay out of it." 

"I was just answering his question." 

None of them minded that donnie answered for them; casey wasnt going to be impressed with any answer he got. "Fuck. How bad was it?" 

Silence. 

"How fucking bad was it? Don?" 

"I--I--" 

"Bad," Raphael huffed out, answering so the others didnt have to. "Real fuckin' bad. Split. Just take a look at my scratched up face, or Don's bleedin' nose, or his own arms, or ask Leon about how he made one comment about dad and he lost his shi--" 

He cut himself off when he heard a small, barely noticeable whine come from his twin. 

Casey wasted no time, moving directly in the sedated blue turtles line of sight and cupping his face, trying to see if he was focused or completely out of it from the medication. "Bluebell? Hey baby, you're okay, its case, yea?" 

Leonardos eyes were heavily dilated and glassy, but somewhat focused as they drooped, continuously rolling backwards and reopening. "Mhmmm... aoogh... 'ase..." he tried to speak, words slurring. 

"Ask him if he's slept or taken his medication recently," donatello told the vigilante quietly. 

"Hey love, have you been takin' your meds and sleepin' okay recently?"

His eyes drooped heavily again, reopening them briefly. Raphael was still softly rocking the two, holding him tightly as he was mostly limp. "Nnne've'or," he slurred, eyes rolling back once again. 

When his eyelids didnt flutter back open this time, casey sighed, letting his face go. 

Raphael pulled him close to his plastron, inspecting his twin closely. 

The three boys at the door of the dojo felt it was okay for them to come inside now, taking a place with their own brother. "Im so sorry. He got angry, so I got angry and we just..." leon felt all sorts of guilt eating him up. "I shouldn't have said that." His fault. Again. 

"Its okay... It was juh--just like a small... trigger? I think. And uhm, any one of us would have done i' somehow a--a' some point," michelangelo explains through little hiccups, voice very small. 

He turns to donatello and the taller nods his head in agreement, hugging the younger closely. 

The slider then directs his attention towards the red turtle waiting a few moments. "Raphael?" 

"Ask him when leo being in his arms isnt the only thing stopping him from snapping someones neck," casey hummed, offering a lopsided smile as his bestfriend stood up and took the blue turtle out of the room, carrying him while he slept as if he had done so many times before. 

"Its cool dude. He probably wasnt even mad at you, his head just fucks with 'im a lot." 

Leon accepted that answer, but he would still feel guilty until he spoke with leonardo. Will he even be okay after this? Will he want to speak to him? Will he speak to anyone? 

They all left the dojo, heading out to the pit. Michelangelo held donatellos arm needily, while the genius had his arm wrapped around aprils shoulder because when he first stood he felt slightly light-headed. 

Casey had gone to leos room, wanting the red turtle to socialise and not minding snuggling with his boyfriend despite the fact he had been sedated.

When raphael returned, he had brought micheangelos tablet with him, handing it to the smaller as he took a seat next to his sister. 

"You guys... dont think we're a'oll... weird?" Michelangelo asked with a small voice, smooshed between donatello and april, holding onto both of them tightly as he sniffled. "Do you?"

"Course not buddy!" Raph quickly piped up, earning a very insistent nod from angelo. 

"Hey! Why dont we play a game of 'whats your damage'. Basically we just take turns and list the stuff muddling up our mental health," the box turtle suggests. It might be helpful for them to grow closer, and also have everyone not feel as judged - especially michelangelo at the moment. 

"That sounds like a good idea," april hummed, helping mikey get into toca world on his tablet. "Who wants to go first?" 

Nobody offered to go first, and april sighed at the awkward silence. Boys. 

"Fine, I'll go first then," she breathed out, smiling. "Sexual assault trauma turned me asexual, and now instead of just not being attracted to men, I'm scared of them too," she revealed. 

"Its one of the reasons im so comfortable around these boys, they're like my brothers. They're the most genuine group of guys I've ever met," she finishes, letting donatello reach for her hand. 

"And caseys mum was abusive, so hes got that." 

"Our casey senior was raised in the foot like a weird cult baby, and casey junior was raised in an apocalyptic timeline.

"damn."

Aprils trauma is one of the reasons that when donatello had an infatuation with her, she would get so anrgy and defensive. But he hadnt known any better, and when she had a conversation with him about boundaries, he immediately respected them. Now the two are close as ever, sharing everything with eachother.

The taller sighed and decided he would go next. "Obsessive compulsive disorder," he mumbled. "I have a cupboard filled with every single bo staff I've ever damaged, among other things, for illogical reasons. I isolate myself in my lab and obsess over tiny details of anything, running through it over and over to the point where I dissociate and forget what day it is." 

"I am similar, but I just have very compulsive tendencies. Asd, and have very bad food sensory issues," donnie went next, not looking up from his phone. "Communicating emotions is quite difficult for me, so I offer my condolences if I sound insincere." 

"Raph goes savage if hes left alone for too long," the snapper says, a small, embarrassed smile on his face. "Its some kind of separation anxiety, mixed with dissociation... its a bit weird I know." 

"Its not weird," april quickly assures. "These four have seperation anxiety as well, especially this little one," she pauses, giving michelangelo a squeeze and a kiss on the crown of his head while he focused on his tablet. "He cries whenever he doesnt know where leo is. He also has adhd, and dyslexia." 

"Me and lee have adhd! I get really impulsive, and it gets me in dumb situations a lot," aneglo says from his spot on raphs shell, drumming into his shoulder. "I struggle to focus really bad unless im hyperfocused or have some kind of stimulation to keep me still. Since im sort of spacey a lot, it makes me really jumpy and easily scared." He didnt seem embarrassed or ashamed in the slightest. 

There was a moment of silence before donatello nudged raphael with his hand, reaching around his siblings, who had been silent the entire time. The red turtle groaned and sent his brother a glare, who just rolled his eyes and gestured for him to speak. 

"Intermittent explosive disorder. Sometimes I can control it or know when its gonna come. Sometimes I black out." His voice was quiet and grumbly, arms crossed as he leaned against the lounge. He put his head on aprils shoulder when the girl bumped him gently, offering a comforting smile. "And asd." 

None of the three elder boys seemed to want to hold a conversation at all at the moment, eternally grateful that april was there with them.

"Dude! Double autistic twins, nice," leon says, grinning. Everyone looked at him, silent as if waiting. "Oh, my turn? Okay, uh. Asd, adhd, ptsd, insomnia, anxiety, histronic personality disorder, disordered eating... I think thats it." 

"Thats basically the same with leo, but swap hpd and adhd with schizophrenia and psychosis," donatello mumbled, tapping on mikeys tablet when he whined and turned the screen to him. 

"Question, is michelangelo currently regressed?" donnie asked randomly, squinting his eyes. 

April nodded her head. "Yea, leo regresses too," she explained, turning her gaze to raph. "Thank you for being so gentle with him earlier, he told me big red helped him out." 

The snapper simply melted at the reveal, saying it was no problem and if the smaller ever needs help with anything hes always here. "Are any of you guys regressers?" April asked curiously. 

"The disaster twins," raph said, pulling both of them in. Donnie hissed but eventually accepted the affection, while leon just crawled into the olders lap. "Raphie just babies us too much, cant help it."

"Nardo, raph babies angelo and I too much, you have significant trauma." 

"So do you!" 

"I beg to differ." 

"Can you guys shut the fuck up?" Raphael muttered, scowling. "Can we stop now? Im tired, leos asleep, caseys with 'im. Im done bondin' for the night." 

"T'an we wa'sh a movie?" Michelangelos tiny, tired voice rung out. 

The others agreed, all getting comfy infront of the TV while raph scrolled through netflix, looking for sonic and clicking play. 

They're all a lot more alike than they thought. 

Chapter Text

Leo hadn't stirred for sixteen hours, which was to be expected, but his family was anxiously waiting; how was he going to be when he woke up? 

Casey had barely left his side, sleeping with him and only leaving the warmth of the bed when he needed the bathroom. 

Leo whined quietly, stretching his legs and nuzzling closer to his boyfriend, who simply held him. "You awake leo?" 

The smaller clicked in response, making casey smile and sit them up slowly, cradling the blue turtle close. "Think you could open those pretty eyes for me love?" 

Leos face scrunched up slightly, in a way that made the vigilante fall in love with him all over again. 

Eventually his eyes fluttered open, resting heavily as he glassily stared up at his boyfriend. "Morn'n." 

"Mornin' bluebell. How're ya feelin'?" Caseys voice was quiet and velvety in the blue turtles tired brain, humming comfortably through his tympana. 

"Like I jus' woke up from an'u'va coma," he mumbled, leaning into the warm hand caressing his face as he unconciously itched at the bandages on his wrists. "M all... muddled." 

Casey huffed out in disbelief, unable to not smile at his boyfriend despite feeling a lot of emotions at the moment. "Well, when was the last time you were sedated?" 

"Mhm... I dunno, a while," leo murmured, yawning and then frowning. "Huh?" 

"The guys had to sedate you, leo. Here, take these and then tell me wha'cha remember." Casey reached over to the night stand, grabbing a few pills and a bottle of water. 

Leo took the tablets without a second thought, putting them in his mouth. He hazily let casey help him take a sip out of the full bottle. "What even were those..." 

Casey put the water bottle back, rubbing the smallers shoulder absent-mindedly. "The meds you havent been takin', and shit for pain." 

Leos foggy brain must have skipped over the first part, squinting his eyes. "Why for pai-- ow what the fuck." He interrupted himself when he went to adjust the positioning in caseys arms, leaning on his bad hand without realising. 

When he raised his own arms, gaze landing on all the bloody splotching bandages, his eyes widened. "What... oh shit."

Casey hummed, eyes hardening. "Oh shit is right. When was the last time you took ya meds?" 

Leo tried to search his brain for a specific time, day. But he couldnt find one. "Before the boys showed up... fuck-- case," he whined, eyes getting teary. 

"How much do you remember." Caseys voice, his hold on the blue turtle, was so unbelievably gentle that leo knew for sure he didnt deserve it after whatever had happened.

He fucked up again. 

"I got mad at leon... raph tried to help, everything else is blurry..." he mumbled, shaking his head and rubbing his eyes. 

"Yeah, mike called me and april after it happened." 

When his hands pulled down away from his face, big, sad ocean eyes stared up at casey. His voice no louder than an ashamed whisper. "I didnt hurt anyone did I?" 

The vigilante almost didnt want to reveal the truth, knowing that the already incredibly sad eyes looking up at him would grow into something unbearably miserable. 

"You got mad at leon, and lost your shit. Ya cut your hand and wrists on'a sword, freaked more when leon came back in to help, and they had'ta sedate you." He tried to dance around the topic, knowing that nobody was mad at the leader for hurting them. 

"Did I hurt anyone." 

...

"Little dudes got some bruises, same with don, ya gave him a bleedin' nose. Raphs got a nasty scratch on his face, mikes ended up slippin' - but everyones fine babe. I promise." 

Leos breath shuddered as he immediately hid his face, tears falling down his cheeks while he tried to keep his sobs silent. 

Casey just held him close, reaching for his phone to let donnie know that the blue turtle was awake, quickly putting it back down once he pressed send because he felt his boyfriend start to push him away. "Nah bluebell, let it out. We're not playin' that game." 

Only did he let him turn away when the door creaked open and shut, footsteps slowly sounding until reaching the bed. "Hey leo. How are you feeling?" 

He immediatly turned around, his glossy exhausted eyes meeting donnies. He scanned his brothers face, tears dribbling down his cheeks when he noticed a very faint bruise below his right eye, close to his nose. 

He shakily reached for donnies face, the youngers heart simply shattering and crouching down to let the blue turtle cup his cheeks with a feather light hold. His thumb traced the bruise carefully, hiccuping and pulling his hands back shakily. "I--Im s--so so--so--rry," he wept. 

"I forgive you," donnie said, voice as gentle as his brothers touch a few moments ago. "How are you feeling?" 

Leo simply crumbled in on himself, continuing to cry. All the overwhelming feelings had piled and overflowed, splashing with the added guilt and self-loathing. "I--Im so--sorry." 

Donnie looked to casey, seeing the boy shake his head and taking a seat on the bed next to leo. He brought him into his arms, rocking them softly as the older wept. "Its okay aniki, we're okay." 

It didnt take long for leo to fall back asleep, always exhausted after any kind of breakdown, meltdown, etcetera etcetera. 

It was hard to have a lot of actual conversations with him for a day or two after, even a few days sometimes depending on what had happened, because of how tired he was. He was always spacey and anti-social, but that was normal. 

"Did he take the medication I left?" Donnie asked quietly, unwrapping the bandaging to check on the stitches on his brothers hand. 

"Yea man. He remembers gettin' mad, but everythin' else is blurry," casey said, quickly reaching for his phone. "Shit, don my dads blowin' up my phone. Somethin' about babysittin' angel and her friend because he got called int'a work." 

"Go, its fine. Ill tell him you said bye." 

- 

Leo had floated around for the next two days, barely leaving his room and usually in the company of one of his brothers, april, or casey. Karai came down once to check on her favourite baby brother after hearing from april that somthing had happened, which the blue turtle appreciated. 

When he did leave his room, he was hidden, using distractions as a way to slink past everybody so nobody noticed him, especially their guests, specifically his counterpart. 

He felt awful. It was all his fault. If he had just been taking his meds like he was supposed to, then he wouldnt have gotten so wound up and started seeing the red earred slider as someone form of unearthly evil and set to destroy him and his family. 

Crazy, right? 

But while his self-worth is still an empty bottomless pit, he has gone through enough 'talk-therapies' with his family to understand that while he can be sorry, he cant change what happened and its illogical to wallow and hide. 

Hes still going to hide, (he isnt the champion of turtle hunt for nothing), but wallowing? Hes trying not to. Hes trying to focus on not causing another scene while the boys are here. 

Because as much as leon was annoying leonardo, and as much of a shitty jab it was to say something about his dead dad, the younger didnt deserve any of what had happened, despite it being out of the older turtles control. 

God. He doesnt even know. 

There had been another miniature guilt-fest-crying-session with raphael, and the two ended up watching some shitty movie that they dont even remember the name of. 

And then one with michelangelo, which had ended in both brothers whiney, clinging to eachother and regressed. 

Leo had regressed far younger than his usually younger brother, to around two or three compared to the orange turtle slipping to around age six. He was non-verbal and easily entertained by a few episodes of bluey until he fell asleep cuddled into mikey, who was also easily made to nap in the warmth of leos bed, also surrounded by their older brothers making sure they were safe.

All things considered, the boys were almost relieved at how the eldest was acting.

Now it was around four in the morning, and the leader was sneaking around the lair silently. All his brothers were sleeping, and by the lack of noise echoing through the sewers, the others were all asleep as well. So he decided he was safe to not get lectured for being awake, and able to make tea in the solitude of an empty kitchen. 

He was wrong. 

When he walked into the room, ignoring how the light was on considering its almost always left on by someone, he froze. 

Leon made eye-contact with him, sparkling magenta meeting deep calming blue. 

Leo immediately went to leave, deciding he didnt need tea when-- 

"Hey dude-- wait. This is your kitchen, you dont have to leave." 

Leo turned back around, eyes still wide, but now slightly squinted. "I'll go, dont worry about it." 

The slider grabbed his mug and begun to walk towards leo, out the exit when the older stopped him. "Wait, I--" he sighed. "You dont have to leave, its okay." 

Leon seemed surprised, eyes widening as he stopped in his tracks. "What?" 

The older sighed again, hand flapping lightly by his side as he attempted to not vomit through his words. "For the time being, this kitchen is as much yours, as it is mine... so you dont have to leave." 

"Bro--" 

"Im okay with it," leo insisted. "Im not going to lose my shit and attack you again." He tried to smile, far too out of his comfort zone at the moment. "Im really sorry for that happening. Despite you pissing me off I shouldnt have reacted that way-- I wouldnt have if I had been sleeping and taking my medication like I was supposed to. It was not your fault and you didnt deserve that." 

Leon could tell just by looking at the older turtle that he clearly wasnt one to open up about anything, especially to anyone who wasnt his immediate family. 

Knowing that, he decided to simply grin and go sit down at their kitchen table, legs crossed and elbows resting on the surface. 

He didnt want to make this even harder, knowing that his counterpart was probably having an awful time mentally after it all. He knows that from some experience. 

"Its all good big blue, I forgive you. You weren't all there, and I shouldn't have tried to piss you off more anyways, I just let peoples emotions influence mine way too easily. Im sorry too, we're cool if you dont hate me."

He still didnt seem overly convinced, shuffling nervously and holding his breath as if he was going to throw up. 

Leon rolled his eyes. "Dude. I have a personality disorder and a brother who goes savage. I understand."

A visible weight lifted off leos chest as he walked further into the kitchen, going to make tea without saying another word, merely nodding. 

Leon didnt like the silence though, ever. Especially when he still felt so fucking guilty for being a trigger for a psychotic episode. "So why arent you asleep?"

"I just can't, so I've come for tea," the older explained softly; the slider admired how gently he spoke despite how much they should hate eachother. "The guys are all sleeping, so that means I wont get lectured again." 

"Oh dude I feel that. The only time Im not being lectured is when I'm up with one of them," leon groaned light heartedly, getting a small scoff and out of the older, his lips quivering up slightly. 

"Yea, the difference is you're the second youngest though," leo hums gently, calmly as he mixed tea in a way that the younger hadnt seen before. "You undoubtedly have awfully crushing responsibilities as a leader, but you have your elder brothers and father to look after you as they should do." He paused. 

"Im the eldest. Our eldest sibling is our sister who hasnt been in our lives until two, maybe three years ago. My father is dead, and when he was alive he barely cared for me as one of his sons anyways." 

Leo was so used to not knowing why splinter treated them the way he did, so he has a tendency to overexplain himself in situations such as this. 

Leon was everything he wished he could have been, what splinter never wanted him to be. "Im glad you have that." 

"Im sorry you never did." Leo was everything leon might be, everything his family has wanted him to grow into.

They held eye-contact for a moment before the elder looked down, smiling lightly to himself before sitting down across from the younger. "Im sorry I called you a stupid child. You aren't." 

"Its okay," leon hummed, taking a sip from his own cup of tea. "Thats all my family has ever really thought of me anyways, that I was just some irresponsible, stupid, selfish child." 

He sounded so content with what he was saying, and it confused leo. 

Despite leon coming off as a very carefree, bubbly and childish person - taking the time to observe the slider, leo could see that it was a lot deeper than that. 

He isn't as superficial as his brothers had thought, and once the older realised that, he felt unnerved, almost guilty for avoiding him. 

Thats why he lets the younger train with him, despite the both of them wanting nothing more than to stay away from eachother because they know they can see right through one another.

They both shared that burningly passionate care for their family no matter what, and bare all their families safety and happiness as their responsibilities on their shoulders. 

"Do they really?" He couldnt help but ask, because even his own brothers had learnt that he wasnt a stupid, whiney, teachers pet, stuck up prick at some point, maybe just before or after his coma?

"Wellllll...." leon hummed, look up at the roof. "Not anymore, I think. But growing up they did. I know that because its what they told me. But then they listened to me for once and we defeated the shredder, I became leader, and then also the kraang - after I caused it I guess..." he trailed off, making leos eyes furrow. "It was all my fault." 

"Anyways! They take me seriously now! They may sometimes think that im seriously suicidal, but not stupid or irresponsible. So I called it a win." Leon shrugged and took another sip out of his mug. 

"I dont see you ever being any of those things. You just pretended because it was easier for you to help them while being what they thought you were," leo thought outloud, sparing a glance up and then resting his gaze on his mug. "Am I wrong?"

There was a silence after that, both turtles knowing it was true. 

Leon had so much he wanted to say, to ask about the older, different version of himself. 

He hadnt ever gotten the chance, its as if when he and his brothers first got here, leonardos family did everything to keep them a part, as if the older was uncomfortable around him. 

He guesses it was fair enough, he wasnt entirely jumping for joy to hang out with an older, wiser, absolutely just as fucked up version of him because phew! It would trigger all his childhood issues big time. 

Then again, besides trying to figure everything out, the leader avoided everybody. Even when casey came down to the lair, leon could just tell the blue turtle was being overly reserved and snippy. 

"Say whatever you want to say." The slider looked back to his counterpart, eyes wide and mouth slightly parted seeing he was met with a lopsided, slightly awkward smile. 

"We're both medicated at the moment, I wont like, attack you again. Thats what happened, right?" Leo tried to make a joke, to try and clear the air, because thats what his younger counterpart did all the time.

It worked though, and a still slightly anxious relief spread through his chest when leon spoke: "You dont mind if I ask questions about it?" 

Of course he minded. But it was also a... weird feeling. 

He almost felt like he was speaking to his younger self. 

It hurt.

"I dont mind." 

... 

"You were angry with me," leon started quietly, hesitating. "So... why did you hurt yourself?" 

Leo guesses he should have expected that. The sad part is that he hadn't hurt himself like that in a long time - months even. 

He sighed quietly. "The guys told you that I'm..." 

"Autistic? Traumatised? Schizophrenic? A bit psychotic? Insomniac? Depressed? Severely anxious?" 

He huffed out of his nose, a silent little show of amusement as he chewed on the skin around his nails. "All of the above." His voice was so gentle, so naturally soft-spoken that it made leon wonder how anyone could ever think awfully of him. 

"It comes with a really warped and slightly disturbed sense of love, control, and balance. How can someone love me if theyre not using me, what do I do if I'm not being controlled by someone, and if something messes up I have to restore balance," he explains, noticing the confused look on the sliders face, still curious but so obviously non-judgemental it ached. 

He knows he feels it too. 

"So," he continued, resting his head on his good hand, elbow propper up on the table. "When something goes wrong, or balance is broken. I need to do something to restore it, to take back some form of control and show that not everything is going unbalanced." 

Leonardo laughs, and the youngers eyes furrow at the irony - big blue doesnt seem like the type to cope with humor. "So I hurt myself. Crazy I know." 

"No, I get it," leon quickly blurts out, backtracking for a moment. Hes tapping on the table, a soft tune that hopefully wasnt annoying the other. "Well, not to your extent obviously because hpd and schizophrenia are uber different - but the whole love thing? I dont understand how I'm supposed to know people love me if they're not using me for something - anything." 

There was a certain underlying tone in his voice, a depseration of not only a neglected child, but of a victim. 

And leo knew that all too well. 

"Like I said aoi," leons chest flurred at the nickname. He heard karai calling leo the very same thing, which gave him some sort of relief and pride. 

They dont hate eachother. 

"Its warped and disturbed. People who love you, dont use you. They hold you, care for you, listen to you." Leos eyes quickly hardened, voice growing lower, but still endlessly gentle. "They dont take advantage of your innocence. Good people who truly love you dont do that." 

... 

"Do you think your dad ever loved you?" It sounded so awful coming out of his mouth, like he was mocking the older almost. But he wasnt, he swears he wasn't--

"He loved... donnie and mikey, but didnt overly care for them outside of being his sons. He cared about raph enough to want to 'fix' him, but never knew him enough to truly love him." That isnt what leon asked, but he waits for more. 

It sounds so lonely, no wonder leonardo feels the need to 'mother hen' like raphie does. 

He grew up as a parent, not a child. He was never a child.

"Splinter used me. Not the same way as other people, he never did that," a pause,  a murmur, "that role was reserved for shredder and his followers."

He skipped over that comment almost immediatly. "But he was the first to really show me what it was like to be used. If I was anything but the perfect soldier he wanted to be himself..." he trailed off, falling into silence. Leon got the message. 

Leonardo grew up thinking he could never be loved unless he was being useful. Leon grew up thinking he was useless, doomed to be unloved because he could never fit his families portrait they painted for him. 

Huh. Guess they both couldnt escape it. 

"When you were..." 

"Acting like a crazy person?" 

Leon felt bad for laughing, but the grin resting gently on the older turtles face told him it was okay. "Yea dude, when you were acting crazy. You were screaming about 'him' hating me." 

A spark of familiarity shines in his deep blue eyes as he sighs for the millionth time that night. "I would have been talking about splinter. Ever since he died, the halluciations havent been my brothers killing me or anything anymore, they've been him," he explains talking with one hand waving gently. 

"He tells me shit. The medication keeps him away majority of the time, but you know, I stopped taking it until a couple days ago. He told me you were evil and out to ruin everything, to disrupt balance and hurt my brothers." 

Leon nodded his head, shrugging as leo watched for his reaction curiously. "Fair enough." 

"Thats it? Just 'fair enough'?"

"Dude," leon grins, rolling his eyes and leaning over the table, resting his head on his arms. "Like I said, I have a personality disorder, a brother who goes savage, another brother with D.I.D but I think he forgot to mention that, and another brother who I'm pretty sure is a deranged scientist possessed by a demon." 

His smile widens when the turtle across from him laughs, covering his mouth to muffle the noise. "Sorry, sorry. Demon possession?" 

"Don ton is literally possessed by a demon! He gets real cranky if I mention it, but I swear its true." Leo scoffs and takes his word for it, falling back into a comfortable silence. 

"Anymore questions?" His head now rested on his folded up arms as well, seeing how comfy leon seemed to look and copying him. 

He felt like a child staying up late with a friend at a sleepover, and it gave him a warm fuzzy feeling. 

"Oh! You probs dont remember because you were heavily sedated and didnt even react to me stitching your hand, but what was that tune raphael was humming? I've heard it before, just not enough to know what it was." 

Leonardo thinks for a moment, eyes widening and smiling when he realises. He pulls out his T-phone and goes into youtube, clicking on something and turning his volume up as he pressed play. "Did it sound like this?"

The tune played for a few seconds and leon immediatly recognised it-- "Yes! Thats what it was-- what is it?" 

"The very first space heroes intro," leonardo hummed, eyes fluttering shut contently. 

Leon smiled as he watched the older quietly. This is the most relaxed hes ever seen him, in the whole time of him being in their home. 

The slider checked his phone, seeing that it was after 6am and the others would be up soon. 

He decided to rest his eyed as well, getting comfy and letting the comfortable silence overwhelm all his senses. 

It wasnt long before he heard a pair of footsteps, deciding to just pretend to be asleep. He was too tired to talk to anyone at the moment, and hes pretty sure leonardo fell asleep as well. 

As they got closer, there was shushing, the footsteps becoming quieter. 

"Are they seriously both asleep at the fucking table." 

"Cant say raphs surprised. Atleast they're getting along?"

He heard a groan; that was definetly their red clad brothers. 

Their dynamic was a bit weird, but they both eventually calmed down and dealt with eachother. Leon thinks its started with raphie talking about how cute chompy is. 

"Raphs not wakin' him up. Any sleep he gets is a miracle." 

"Same. Id rather not wake 'im up and then have'ta deal with his shit." 

"Want me to carry both of them?" 

"Nah, just grab your shithead. If leo wakes up to you carrying him I swear he'll have an anxiety attack. I'll get 'im." 

Leon felt himself get picked up gently, scrunching up his face lightly and hearing his older brother coo at him. "Shh buddy, raphies gotcha." 

He nuzzled into the warmth, hearing a faint voice that was slowly disappearing. "You're fine leo, I've got'ya. Jus' close your eyes and go back to sleep."