Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

White poison slithering through the veins. Breathing hives of worms. Gunshot behind the jaw. Snow. Bitter snow. Sour, bitter snow. Red paint. Pulsating eyeballs. Guillotine piercing the sternum. Eels. Eels of static. Fire ants interpolating the brainstem. Eels and ants of static squirming through veins. Barking thunder. Chewed-through nerves. Incisors in the wrist.

Slumped on his knees on the floor, Todoroki’s body was crushed by the conglomerate of shadow peeling off his father, Enji Todoroki, otherwise known as Endeavor. Todoroki was silent, but his chest, ankle, and wrist screamed in the sound of red. He dared not twitch, even as the figure standing before him turned its back to him.

“You’re feigning exhaustion again?” spat the vitriolic, baritone voice of Endeavor. “We’ve only trained for an hour. An hour, Shouto. I ask so little of you, and you deliberately try to get out of doing the work. Do you understand how selfish you are? I sacrifice all this time and effort for you and only you, and all you can ever think about is yourself. You play the victim, you never respond when I speak to you, you’re too lazy and disrespectful to say more than one-word answers when you do speak, and I’m sick of it. I am sick of your bullshit, Shouto!” Endeavor whipped his head around as the orange flames writhing by his lips flared up into serpents of fire; the flames threatened to singe his short crimson hair.

Keeping his gaze on the tatami mats below his throbbing ankle, Todoroki thought, There’s no use trying to explain myself, even though you couldn’t be more wrong, or the outcome would be worse for us both if I didn’t do those things. It doesn’t matter. Just accept it—the ‘truth’ he fabricated. I wish I hadn’t seen that text from Tenya… He winced.

“Sorry,” murmured Todoroki with cold, frangible words as he bowed his head, digging his nails deeper into his left wrist.

Last week, you told me my best would always be enough, Todoroki muttered to himself without speaking. Now, you chastise me based on the false assumption that I’m pretending to be at my limit. This is my best. ‘Your best will always be enough, Shouto. I mean that.’ Right. You’re right. I’m just pretending. I’m unconsciously trying to get out of the work and blame you instead. It’s my fault, in reality, and I just don’t want to accept that. That has to be it…right?

Crossing his arms, Endeavor squinted his fierce, turquoise eyes. “If you pull this again, I will take every last thing from you. Do you hear me? I will not be disrespected like this again.”

Todoroki nodded, and thus, he soon found himself at his dorm at U.A. High where he’d planned to spend the evening with Iida. His ankle gnawed at itself from the inside, his chest bore a red-tinged splotch of aching discoloration, and his left wrist was still nicked by the marks of his nails.

Why does something like that always have to happen whenever I go home? pondered Todoroki, who stood by the door to his dorm. I wish I could’ve explained, but I know he wouldn’t listen. Nothing would change his mind, even if the evidence was damning. Once he’s convinced himself I’ve done something wrong, that’s that, and any extra words are just shot down and ridiculed. And I’m the only one to blame. I should’ve just kept my mouth shut all those times I said anything more than necessary. All the things I could’ve avoided if I’d done something as simple as that… He pulled open the door once he heard a firm knock weave through his skull. Tenya. Reset. Forget. Just focus on Tenya.

After welcoming Iida into his dorm, Todoroki sat atop his futon with Iida at his side. A pane of saffron was reflected off of Iida’s glasses, and bathed in that same saffron hue was Iida himself. As Todoroki’s hand was gently enveloped by a blanket of warmth, Todoroki also felt his lips dissolve into Iida’s lips.

Twined, glistening fingers wove out a heart of flesh underneath the midafternoon threads of gold piercing the window in Todoroki’s dorm. Scarlet passion tingled across Todoroki’s lips as he pulled his head back from his deep, loving kiss with Iida. Todoroki’s heart galloped in his chest like a thunderstorm of horses. As the tempestuous beat of his heart continued to throb through him, his half-squinted, gray and turquoise eyes glimpsed into the navy-blue eyes shielded by Iida’s glasses.

To think it was a year and a half ago I met him, Todoroki reminisced, flicking his eyes to Iida’s short hair that was colored in the night sea.

Iida whispered, “I think it’s cute whenever your expression changes.” He smiled when Todoroki’s lips curved up ever so slightly.

I automatically smiled, Todoroki realized. This keeps happening. I guess it’s fine, but… He wrapped his arms around Iida’s chest and faltered into the latter’s lap. So warm. Comfy…

With a soft grunt, Iida remarked, “You’re a bit heavier than I thought.” He returned Todoroki’s embrace. “Of course, I don’t mean that in any negative way.”

I’m heavier than I should be? wondered Todoroki, who listened to Iida’s long, steady breaths. I guess it’s been a while since I last weighed myself. When was it? Two years ago? I was one hundred and forty pounds. So, how much do I weigh now? Endeavor says I’m fat. Then again, he’s always said that. Even when I’ve cut down on calories, it doesn’t change a thing. But if two people think similarly, I’m inclined to look into it.

Letting out a long sigh, Todoroki augmented the tenacity of his hug before sliding back onto his futon. “Do you—”

Todoroki’s voice was like a trail of white orchid petals dissolving into the waterfall of ringing from Iida’s phone. Iida patted around his left jean pocket until he extracted the buzzing device. Promptly scanning the illuminated screen, Iida glanced up at Todoroki with lowered brows.

“I apologize, but I have to leave.” Iida brusquely stood up to his feet. “Tensei requested I come to see him. He’s in the hospital again. I’m terribly sorry, Shouto.” He bowed repeatedly to Todoroki.

You promised today was reserved for just us. I can’t blame you for your brother’s condition, but…

Something in Todoroki’s chest shivered, hardening into a cold lump. “It’s okay,” he reassured Iida as a thin smile forced its way onto his lips. “Do what you need. You have my support.”

I did it again.

Iida nodded. “Thank you, Shouto. I’ll see you tomorrow.” With one final bow, Iida took his leave.

Silence burned through Todoroki’s ears as he stared at the door to his dorm. I hope his brother is fine, he thought while lifting himself to his feet. Everything feels so much different when he isn’t around. I feel heavy. Oh. He plodded into the bathroom and flicked on the light, watching as the white tiles on the floor were mottled with waves of yellow. Would he prefer it if I lost weight? Maybe that was his way of implying it. Again, if multiple people are telling me, and if what I’ve done up to this point hasn’t made much of a difference…

Todoroki stepped onto the cold surface of the white and black scale by the door. He shifted his weight evenly onto both feet, watching from the corners of his eyes how the numbers at the top of the scale skyrocketed up and began to flicker. He felt as though his hands and feet were buried in the snow, and yet, he also felt a throbbing, liquid heat amalgamate in his forehead.

Then, the scale let out an electric shriek.

One hundred…and fifty-seven? Todoroki’s heart gasped, drilling into his ribs. When did I… So Endeavor wasn’t lying. I do weigh too much. I haven’t grown, but I’m almost twenty pounds heavier. And that’s with restrictions on what I eat. Exhaling sharply, he stepped off the scale and scrupulously examined his body from the mirror behind the sink. I’m not fat, though. Right? It’s just muscle mass, surely. But then again, I have been eating more lately. He rolled up his shirt, revealing his protruding abdominal muscles. Despite what Endeavor’s said, I don’t think I look that bad. But… No. It shouldn’t matter. I’m sure he’d love me regardless of my size.

Would he really? Would he say it’s fine now just to shove it down my throat that ‘you’re fat’ later? Why am I even questioning him? Of course he wouldn’t do that. Then again, that’s what I thought every time before…

Todoroki’s gaze fell to the floor as he released his grip on his shirt and picked off a piece of skin from his left thumb. He shook his head and swiftly strode out of the bathroom, grabbing his earbuds from his desk. Popping the cord of the earbuds into the headphone jack of his phone with a metallic click, he began to scroll through his music playlists.

I’ll do an extra lap around U.A., Todoroki told himself while slipping out of his dorm. I already exceeded my step goal, but I can’t stand barely exceeding it. If I’m going to go over it, I want to at least get to a nicer number. Another five thousand steps. I should at least be able to do that much. Any less, and… No, five thousand still isn’t enough. If one hour of training isn’t enough, how could five thousand steps nearly be enough? He tapped on the most recent music playlist he’d organized. I feel like the number of dark songs I have is starting to outweigh the upbeat ones. When did that happen?

After arriving at the common floor of the 2-A dormitory, Todoroki was met with a living mountain of textbooks and other books of varying sizes. Supporting that walking mountain of books was a robust pair of arms, a staggered pair of legs, and ash blond spikes of hair. A sharp pair of crimson eyes peeked through the peak of the books.

“Do you want me to carry some?” Todoroki offered to the figure quaking under the weight of the books in his arms.

Todoroki could envision Bakugou’s scowl as the latter growled, “Shut up and take half, Halfy.” Bakugou’s eyes rolled back in relief when Todoroki scooped a large chunk of books into his arms. “Ugh.”

“Why do you have all these books?” queried Todoroki, who walked behind Bakugou as the two approached the elevator.

Bakugou narrowed his eyes. “Studying for midterms.” He lumbered into the elevator and smashed the button for his floor with his fist, backing up against the wall with heavy breaths.

Todoroki tilted his head. “Already? Don’t we still have six weeks until midterms?” He could see the translucent beadlets and rivulets adhering to Bakugou’s forehead.

“By then, I’ll have forgotten what we did last week,” murmured Bakugou, whose legs began to sink. “Gonna refresh my memory of the beginning of the year and do daily recaps of past stuff.” He grit his teeth.

“I guess that’s a smart thing to do,” Todoroki uttered while observing as Bakugou readjusted the books in his arms. “You can put the books on the floor and rest for a moment.”

“No,” snapped Bakugou.

“Why?”

Bakugou furrowed his brows. “Stop looking down on me.” He rested his elbow against the hand railing behind him.

“Stop playing the victim, Shouto,” hissed Endeavor with rancor seething from his words like smoke from a fire.

“I’m not,” Todoroki assured his classmate. “It doesn’t make you weak to take a break when you’re exhausted. I think you’re already pushing yourself enough, Bakugou.” He locked eyes with a familiar pair of cerise, scorn-filled eyes.

Brandishing a coruscating glare of fire like two shurikens, Bakugou spat, “What do you mean by that?” His voice was a gravelly pit of jagged rocks.

Suddenly, the elevator jerked to a stop, and as a ding reverberated through the chamber, Todoroki set his mound of books on the floor outside. “I think you know what I mean,” he replied, gathering up another chunk of the books in Bakugou’s arms.

“Oi!” protested Bakugou like an irascible security guard, scrambling out of the elevator with Todoroki. “Tch. Whatever. I’ll do the rest. Just leave.”

Todoroki espied the reddish-pink lines cutting through Bakugou’s arms that gradually faded back to his natural, pale skin tone. “It’d save you some time and likely be more optimal for you if you’d let the people around you help, you know.” His eyes drifted to Bakugou’s slender waist and lithe physique.

Bakugou scoffed, “I don’t need to accumulate any more debt than I already have.” His brows twitched when a pair of silver doors severed the yellow vein of light leaking from the elevator like scissors cutting yellow paper. “For fuck’s sake. Fine. I don’t owe you anything, then, if you’re so damn insistent on it. Get moving.” He trudged towards his dorm and unlocked the door, kicking it open with his foot.

Todoroki followed suit after Bakugou with a handful of books, and for the next few minutes, the two hauled the remainder of Bakugou’s books into the dorm. Once all the books had been transported into Bakugou’s room, Bakugou closed the door with squinted eyes and a deep lour that wrinkled his visage.

“Oi…” muttered Bakugou, who kept his open palm against the door. “Take out the earbuds for a sec.” Once Todoroki followed Bakugou’s command, the latter whispered, “What’s the real reason why you helped me?” His eyes were red knives.

The real reason I helped you? Todoroki reiterated to himself while canting his head. I don’t understand.

“I wanted to help you?” Todoroki uttered in an inquisitive sigh. “You look bothered. Do you want to talk about it?”

Bakugou shifted his jaw. “Is it because of what you know about me?”

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

Ah, cogitated Todoroki, who lifted his chin ever so slightly. I get it now.

Todoroki shook his head, keeping his cold gaze on Bakugou. “No, you looked like you were going to drop everything in a few minutes. I think if I were doing this because of what happened before, I'd have offered to ‘study with you.’”

Bakugou lowered his brows. “Then why’ve you been offering to help me more? Offering to do shit? Offering to get me shit? Just being so damn extra nice for no reason?” His hands curled into fists.

Blinking in silence, Todoroki’s eyes migrated to the ceiling. “I guess I have been offering to do more things with you. I honestly didn’t notice.” He sieved the empty space on Bakugou’s desk where a picture frame once stood. “I’ve just felt like it. You’re my closest friend.”

Bakugou pressed his foot to the door and rested his back against it. “Really? ‘Cuz it feels like you’re just pitying me. There’s another part to it, but I’m not gonna say it.” He cracked a broken smile. “This was exactly what I was afraid of. I never see you treating anyone else so nicely so often.”

There’s definitely someone I treat even more nicely even more often, Todoroki thought to himself while Iida’s image surfaced in his mind. I never thought I’d feel this way towards another guy, and I never imagined that guy would confess to me. I almost forgot the reason I left my dorm. Maybe I should work on getting back to the weight I was previously at. I want to look good for him. I don’t want to disappoint him. I don’t want to make him think I’m just choosing not to listen to him. I don’t want to be fat.

“No wonder you’re overweight when that’s how much soba you eat.”

“Bakugou, I think there’s a misunderstanding,” Todoroki admitted in a long, glacial sigh. “I can see how you came to that conclusion, but I’m not pitying you or trying to treat you any differently.” He nodded firmly, holding his gaze steady on Bakugou’s bleak, burning eyes.

Bakugou crossed his arms. “Tch. You swear on that?” He expelled a hefty sigh when Todoroki nodded. “Fine. My fault for makin’ assumptions.” Then, his eyelids lowered while Todoroki shook his head. “This is gonna sound random, but if I don’t remember to give Shitty Hair back his stupid hoodie shoved in the back of my closet here”—he pointed to his wardrobe—”after midterms…remind me, will you? It’s the only hoodie in the back, but I never see it, so it slips my mind.” His voice was extinguished into embers by the end of his sentence.

“Sure. And if it gives you some peace of mind, I haven’t told anyone about what happened back then, and I don’t ever plan on it.”

A subtle smirk tugged on the edges of Bakugou’s lips. “Heh. I’ll just wait until you change your mind and use it as blackmail material.” His eyes were splatters of blood in Todoroki’s pupils.

This reminds me of how Endeavor will tell anyone and everyone extremely personal details about me to others without my permission, Todoroki recalled. Even when I asked him not to, he did anyway. Or how Fuyumi said I could tell her anything, and that she wouldn’t tell anyone, and the one time I did, everyone in the family and even people outside our family knew. I’m not like that.

Shaking his head, Todoroki replied, “You have my word that I won’t do something like that. If I break it…” He tilted his head. “Everything you spend at the arcade from then on would be coming out of my pockets. Even if you go without me, I’ll still pay for it.”

Bakugou’s brows wriggled, and his lips curved between a smile and a frown. “Damn. First time anyone’s actually put something at stake instead of just spouting the bullshit of ‘I promise’ and leaving it as an empty, broken promise. Sounds like a deal to me.” A smirk finally possessed his lips. “I will beat your ass at that fighting game.”

So it’s the same for you too? Todoroki caught a glimpse of a familiar, silver sheen on Bakugou’s bedside table. And so this is still a problem. Bakugou… It hurts that there’s not a lot I can do. Should I remind him that he can always talk to me, or would that seem like I’m already contradicting myself? He could remember the sensation of a paralyzing, scorching leech of pain writhing on his skin. Don’t say unnecessary things, but make sure you come off as inoffensive and neutral as possible.

“I’m glad you decided to talk to me about all this,” Todoroki replied, noticing how Bakugou’s arm twitched. “For now, ‘Soba Kingsjf’ remains the top scorer.”

A faint cackle jumped from Bakugou’s lips. “I always forget the typo is there.” His eyes flicked to his bedside table for a transient moment.

“Because you were trying to sabotage me, and that led to the typo. But can I also ask you something?”

Bakugou nodded, and the subtle motions of his chest hastened. “What’s up?”

“Do I look okay?” Todoroki inquired, lowering his eyes to the floor.

“Eh?” Bakugou arched a brow. “What do you mean by that?”

Todoroki felt as though the hilt of a blade was wedging into his stomach. “Do you think my body looks fine as it is?”

I’m already a terrible significant other, so I wouldn’t put it past myself to have been blind to Tenya trying to imply that he wanted me to lose weight before this. That has to be it. Now, he’s getting upset that I haven’t picked up on it, so he made it obvious. How am I always fucking everything up?

Bakugou glanced at his white bed with straightened pillows and sheets. “Yeah, I mean, yer hella fit,” he commented, soon scrutinizing Todoroki’s figure. “Why? Got yer eyes on someone?” His brows raised up.

Todoroki shook his head. “No, nothing like that.” He envisioned his reflection in the mirror, overlaying his mental image with the physical image of Bakugou standing before him. “I was just curious.”

“Y’know, I never could tell if you were into girls or guys,” Bakugou remarked. “You already know I’m completely gay.”

For a moment, Todoroki was silent. “I think I swing both ways.” He checked the time on his phone. “But I’ve taken up enough of your time.” He approached both the door and Bakugou.

“Oi.” Bakugou’s voice was an arachnid’s fang as he pushed off the wall and began rummaging through his closet. “Get it out of my sight.” He pushed a bottle of vodka into Todoroki’s arms, tossing a sweatshirt over it.

Although taken aback by the brusque request, Todoroki nodded. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Bakugou.” He wrapped the sealed bottle of vodka into Bakugou’s sweatshirt.

“Later.”

With that, Todoroki stuffed the sweatshirt and vodka into the drawer in his dorm that contained his socks. Sorry that I lied, he thought while breaking into a jog in the late afternoon sunlight outside the dormitory. A lot, actually. 

Todoroki kept a mental record of how many steps he’d taken on his brisk jog around town and the campus for U.A. After stamping down ten thousand steps, Todoroki could feel his lungs begin to ache and burn, and he felt like his bone marrow had been squeezed into boiling water. Yet, he found himself pushing into a sprint as he began his lap around U.A. once again, counting each smack of his feet against the ground bestrewn with crippled leaves. His vision swiftly blurred into a smeared, doubled stain, his legs screamed like beheaded worms, and his throat was sliced by the sharp, rapid breaths he took in the dimming twilight.

I can get to one hundred and fifty pounds in a week, right? Todoroki cogitated as his legs quaked beneath him. So tired. Almost done. Don’t slow down. Keep going. The somber music in his ears was drowned by his gasping that scraped through his skull and wrung the moisture from his tongue. Almost. Just a few… One, two, three, four, five… He skidded to a halt, panting breathlessly against the outer wall of the 2-A dormitory. It hurts. My stomach is twisting. My head is pounding. My legs are burning. I feel like my ankle is going to explode. I feel faint. But it’s not good enough. Then again, when has it ever been enough? But I want it to be enough. I just want it to be enough. Is that so much to ask? Please…

After gasping furiously outside for another few minutes, Todoroki hobbled back into the dormitory and poured himself a glass of water in the kitchen. He could remember the cold, thick fluid snaking down his throat and hitting his aching stomach. Leaning against the wall, he winced at the intermittent pangs of dull pain squeezing through his head.

Then, Todoroki heard a familiar voice that conjured up the image of green, bushy hair, emerald-green eyes, and freckles. “Todoroki-kun? Are you all right?” Midoriya walked up to Todoroki with a harrowed expression.

Don’t give anyone a reason to worry, Todoroki reminded himself, don’t stand out, say what they want to hear, and don’t reply with unnecessary information. Show interest, even if you aren’t interested in the slightest. He nodded, still reeling from the numb ringing and tingling in his veins. He isn’t truly concerned. I know there must be an ulterior motive. But what?

“I just finished a run,” Todoroki huffed, tilting his head down to meet Midoriya’s eyes.

Midoriya’s visage immediately brightened. “Oh, I see,” he sighed in relief.

I can’t understand what he would want from me, though, Todoroki realized, taking another sip of water. If I can’t understand that, then, once again, I’m just proving how useless I am.

Todoroki asked, “Are you doing all right?” He paused his music and tugged his earbuds out.

“I’m doing great!” Midoriya chirped with a beatific smile. “Thanks for asking. I went to visit my mom, and she made katsudon for me. It’s my favorite food, and it was so good.” He clapped his hands together.

I see now.

Another serpent of a smile slithered onto Todoroki’s face. “That sounds fun.” He paused, attempting to pluck another sentence from his jittering mind, but he was unable to catch anything.

I keep doing this.

Midoriya nodded fervently. “It was. How was your run?”

“Good,” Todoroki answered, once again failing to fish up another conversation topic from his mind.

As long as it burns off even a sliver of my uselessness, I’d call it a ‘good’ run, Todoroki thought while exchanging farewells with Midoriya. Even if every choice I make is my own, somehow, it still feels like my life isn’t my life to live. It feels like it belongs to everyone around me, and all I do is try to pick what would please the most people. He returned to his dorm.

Why can’t I get what he said off my mind? Todoroki sighed to himself while collapsing into his futon and popping his earbuds in again. I’m overthinking it. But I’m almost twenty pounds heavier than when we first met. That’s a lot. Is that why Endeavor’s been commenting on it more? I don’t know what you want from me. I’m always told one thing, but once I give that thing, the request gets changed, and I was expected to know about the change before it even happened.

Maybe if I cut down even more on how much I eat… No. That sounds like a bad idea. But how much would it hurt to only cut back a little? Just to see the numbers drop to one hundred and fifty. That’s a nice number. I can get there. I'd just be a failure at yet another thing if I couldn’t. Everything I do somehow always ends in failure. Todoroki plucked off a thread of skin from his left thumb around the cuticle.

“Shouto?” asked Iida, who sat behind Todoroki on the former’s bed. “For our next date, where would you like to go?”

Todoroki shrugged. “Wherever you’d like.”

Iida’s brows drooped. “There’s nowhere you’d like to go? I feel a bit guilty for always being the one to choose our destination.” He rested his chin on Todoroki’s shoulder.

Nothing really sounds appealing anymore. Not that it ever has. I’m too tired for it most of the time anyway. I guess school is taking a toll on me.

That was at the end of the year last year. Why am I still not really interested in the things that I should enjoy? It feels like, day by day, I want to get up less and less. I guess it’s just all the work. Just a bit longer, and I’ll finally achieve the dreams I’ve had since I was a child. It’s in my grasp. I’m almost there. Yet… Somehow, that thought isn’t comforting anymore.

If I closed my eyes now, and I never woke up again, would I even have any regrets?

Chapter Text

Tenya Iida

It was Saturday, twelve days after Iida was first summoned to the hospital for his brother, and lunch period had just begun. Iida had mentally noted how, after sacrificing his planned day with Todoroki to visit Tensei, Todoroki had chosen to accompany Bakugou for lunch and in-class activities more often. He also observed how Todoroki commented on fewer things whenever he and Todoroki were together.

I know they’re only friends, Iida reminded himself while waving at Todoroki in the hallway and receiving a wave in return, as well as a crack of the neck from Bakugou. Despite that, I still can’t help but wonder if Shouto is losing interest in me. I can’t recall the last time he proposed we go on a date. He doesn’t text me as often, and in general, he’s been much more distant. I’m sure I must be overthinking things, but it bothers me to no end. Perhaps I’m simply stressed about Tensei. He seemed fine yesterday, but…

“Tenya?” asked Tensei from his hospital bed.

“Yes?” Iida stood beside his brother.

A poignant smile creased Tensei’s lips. “I can’t use my left arm anymore.” His words were a needle slowly drilling deeper and deeper into Iida’s abdomen. “I apologize for telling you I’ve still been able to use it. I thought I might be able to, but there was a mishap from the surgery.” He grasped Iida’s trembling hands with his right hand as colorless drops shattered on the railing of the bed. “They offered to try a prosthetic arm, but I turned it down. I’m already paralyzed and can’t walk. I might as well go limbless, at this point.” His levity was a talon piercing through Iida’s tendons.

Iida felt something inside him splinter and ignite as he hissed, “Why? Why did you turn it down?!” His tears did not distort the heavy, rippling scowl on his face.

Tensei ran his thumb over his younger brother’s knuckles. “There are many reasons, but the main reason is that I don’t want the expenses to take away from your journey, Tenya.”

“I would have no issues finding jobs to—”

“It wouldn’t be fair for you to have to do that for someone who’s a retired Pro Hero anyway.”

“It isn’t simply that! Your own quality of life, Tensei!”

Yet, Tensei smiled once again at his trembling, tear-stained, gasping brother. “Yours is more important. I’ll be fine, Tenya. You’re the one who can keep saving people. Me?” A soft laugh spilled from his lips. “It sure did cost me an arm and a leg just to make it out of this, and I’m not about to make that debt carry over to you more than it already has.”

To impair your own quality of life for me… Iida shook his head, holding open the door to the cafeteria for Todoroki and Bakugou.

“You’re not also planning on studying during lunch, right?” Todoroki asked Bakugou as the three entered the cafeteria.

“I ain’t wasting time on just food,” groaned Bakugou, whose left hand was jammed into his pocket.

I feel as though I shouldn’t be here, Iida realized, but he remained by Todoroki’s side. I should have no problem allowing him to have his own time dedicated to friends, just as he has no issues with my leaving him for Tensei. Yet, he spends less time with me now. He’s never done this before.

Todoroki abruptly yanked the textbook in Bakugou’s arms away. “Take a break,” Todoroki sighed while Bakugou flailed to reclaim his stolen book. “Did you sleep last night? You look terrible.”

Bakugou curled his hands into fists. “Damn, don’t have to be so blunt about it. I slept fine. Gimme that back.” He jumped up to reach the book wavering over his head, but Todoroki pulled the book back. “Fuck you. We’d be the same height if I smashed your ankles.”

Iida swung his arms at Bakugou in a slicing motion. “Bakugou, please refrain from making such threats,” he asserted.

Bakugou slapped his hands to his sides and let out a sigh. “It wasn’t a damn threat,” he growled.

“Perhaps not in your eyes, but Todoroki may feel differently.” Iida’s heart began to pound.

Todoroki tilted his head at Iida. “Oh. I know Bakugou well enough to know what he does and doesn’t mean,” he assured Iida, but his words were bullets ripping through Iida’s chest cavity.

Iida felt a cleaver of molten lava gouge through his neck, sending a scorching shockwave through his body. “Todoroki?” he queried as he, Todoroki, and Bakugou filed into a line to purchase their lunches. “Can I speak to you about something after we get lunch?” His frigid digits began to tremble.

Todoroki nodded, and thus, the three ordered their lunches. Iida immediately raised his brow when he heard Todoroki order a salad rather than continue his renowned daily streak of a bowl of cold soba. Once Iida received his tray, he and Todoroki headed outside to a nearby bench.

This is also highly abnormal behavior for him, Iida noted, sieving the bowl of salad in Todoroki’s hands. Why? Everyone in the class knows that’s the only menu item he’s ordered since day one last year. Suddenly breaking his streak? It’s unfathomable. Not to mention how often he seems to smile now. At first, it felt good to see him smile more often, but now…

Iida felt Todoroki’s shoulder reel back at his touch. “My apologies. Are you hurt?”

A thin smile stitched itself over Todoroki’s lips. “It was just from training. It’s sweet you’re always looking after me, though.”

Why did I feel uneasy seeing him smile at that?

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Todoroki asked, taking a bite out of his salad.

Iida took a sip from his water bottle. “Before that, you bought a salad? You have over a year-long streak of ordering cold soba.” He scrutinized the bowl of greens with white dressing and sliced tomatoes.

Todoroki nodded and crunched down another bite. “I don’t want to get tired of cold soba, even if it costs me that streak.” He pinched off a small fleck of skin from his left thumb.

Iida nodded. “That is completely understandable.” He stared down at the bowl of beef stew sitting on his lap. “I apologize if I’ve hastily made a conclusion, but…it feels like you aren’t particularly interested in me anymore. I understand you’ve also been busy training with Endeavor, however. Again, I apologize if it’s a misunderstanding, but it’s been bothering me for quite a bit now.” He pushed his glasses back up.

Todoroki glanced around before twining his hand with Iida’s hand and shaking his head. “No, I think I should apologize.” He held Iida’s hand fast. “I love you, but I don't know how to express it well.” He gulped down some of his water. “Does it bother you when I talk to Bakugou?” His dull eyes met Iida’s flickering eyes.

Iida’s stomach fully yanked itself into a knot. “I won’t lie… It does. I know you don’t feel that way towards him, and I know it’s selfish of me to be bothered at all when nothing is wrong with it. Even though I’m cognizant that you’re simply living your life and enjoying your friendships…” He shook his head, feeling a wave of shame bite his guts.

Yet, much to Iida’s stupefaction, Todoroki smiled. “It’s sweet you care about me enough to think like that. But I can assure you it is just platonic friendship. I can’t imagine a relationship with Bakugou working out when all we do is argue.” He swallowed down the remainder of his glass of water. “All I want is you, Tenya.”

The discomfiture boiling in Iida’s soul began to dissipate. That’s a relief, he thought as his cheeks were mantled with a rosy warmth. But I’m still worried about him. Am I overthinking those worries as well, though?

Iida breathed out the remaining particles of dubiety clinging to his lungs. “I’m happy to hear that, and hearing you say that makes me feel much better. Thank you, Shouto.” He scooped up a spoonful of beef stew and chewed down the mildly hot, salty mix of beef and boiled vegetables. “Sometimes, it’s exceptionally difficult to refrain from kissing you at school.” His cheeks remained pink as he sank into the fire ravaging his chest.

Todoroki’s brows lifted. “I’m glad we worked this out.” He poked at his bowl of salad, skewering a tomato with his fork. “A kiss does sound nice.” He smashed the tomato between his teeth.

I’ll ask him anyway. My gut tells me something is wrong, but my mind tells me I’m simply misunderstanding him.

“Shouto?” Iida’s voice was like a rainless, dark gray cloud.

Todoroki tilted his head. “Hm?”

Inhaling deeply, Iida replied, “Are you doing okay?” His eyes sank into the brown broth of his lukewarm stew.

Then, Iida felt something warm cradle his hand. “I’m doing great, Tenya.” Todoroki’s smile was shattered by the feather of sunlight striking his face.

The mire of emotions asphyxiating Iida’s stomach did not drain away like he’d anticipated. “You’re happy and healthy both physically and mentally?” he asked.

“Tenya, I would tell you if I wasn’t.” Todoroki nodded, leaning back against the bench; the gold spear severing his lips sliced through his throat.

Iida’s smile was like a limb of light torn from the sun. “All right. My apologies for the misunderstanding.”

But I still feel so uneasy…

By the end of lunch, Iida finished off his bowl of beef stew. Todoroki, on the other hand, had only eaten half of his salad. Iida had commented on Todoroki’s bowl being left half-full, but Todoroki explained that he wasn’t very hungry, and that he didn’t expect the salad to be as big as it was. At first, Iida saw nothing in Todoroki’s response or general behavior that elicited much worry or suspicion, but he would eventually come to wish that he could rewind time and rewrite his own reaction.

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

Two weeks remained before U.A. midterms began. Todoroki spent his weekend reviewing material from the beginning of the year, occasionally asking Bakugou for assistance on a few topics. He could remember waking up, lying in bed for three hours, and finally getting up to relieve himself before crawling back into bed for another hour. Although he abhorred the thought of it, Todoroki finally forced himself out of bed and spent the remainder of his day studying. He’d texted Iida twice, but he couldn’t recall whether or not he’d left his dorm that day. All he could remember after studying was remembering that he was supposed to head home the next day for training with his father, and then, he woke up.

Grogginess perforated Todoroki’s veins like hooked claws as he lifted his head from his math textbook. What? he immediately pondered, poking around his pocket for his phone. It’s five in the morning. Monday. School. I don’t want to. He lowered his cheek to the warm right-hand half of the textbook. I really don’t want to. So much is going on. Projects, studying, essays, tests, pop quizzes… I handled it all last year. I can’t be tired yet. It’s only halfway through the year. And then…another year of this. Fuck. His hands clenched into fists. Just the thought of getting up is too much. Showering, drying off, getting changed, brushing my teeth, making food… Basic things everyone does without complaint, and yet, here I am feeling like they’re the equivalent of working a nine-to-five job…that I don’t even have, unlike many others my age.

Then again, I guess this is just me exaggerating and making a big deal out of nothing. Even Bakugou isn’t cracking under all this. I can’t, either. I have to do well. I can’t afford to dwell over trivial things like showering. I didn’t exercise at all yesterday. I’ll have to double it today. I almost feel like I’ve gained weight. I haven’t checked the scale since then. I don’t want to know. I ate a lot a few days ago. I guess I didn’t eat much yesterday. But aside from a few days where I’ve eaten a lot, I’ve cut back the calories a lot, and I’m exercising more. I’m so hungry. Maybe I’ll just eat a granola bar, and then get to exercising. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to shower or do this daily morning routine. I’m so tired. It doesn’t even take very long. What’s wrong with me? Other people have a daily struggle of making ends meet and putting food on the table, and my greatest concerns…

While writing a mental list of all the reasons why he didn’t want to get up, Todoroki felt his phone buzz. Reluctantly, he picked up his phone to see a text notification from Bakugou.

Bakugou
Oi.

I guess I’m not surprised he’s awake this early in the morning, Todoroki thought while his thumbs hovered over his phone.

Todoroki
Hey

Bakugou
I’m surprised your ass is up.

Todoroki
Did you need something?

Bakugou
Just felt like talking to someone.

I’m pretty sure it’s more than that.

Todoroki
Is everything okay? You seemed pretty down yesterday

Bakugou
Yeah, fine.

Todoroki
It doesn’t seem that way to me. What happened?

Bakugou
Nothing. So, did you figure that problem out?

I know you’re lying.

Todoroki
I’ll be here if there’s anything you want to talk about. And yes, I figured it out. I mistook my “t” for a plus sign

Bakugou
K. You dumbass. Sounds like a mistake you’d make.

Todoroki
I won’t deny that. But I’m going for a run soon. Text me if there’s anything else you want to talk about

Bakugou
K. Is it just me or are you running a fuck ton nowadays?

Don’t give him any reason to worry.

Todoroki
It relaxes me from the crippling amounts of work we’ve been getting

Bakugou
True. It’s even worse than last year. This shit’s ridiculous.

Todoroki
Agreed

I wish I could hibernate through the exams, Todoroki began to fantasize. Throw away all my studies and just sleep. But then I’d have to deal with it all after waking up. If I never woke up…

Collapsing from exhaustion after having spent the afternoon, night, and morning studying for his exams, Todoroki awoke to a searing pain reverberating through his skull.

“First you ignore my texts, then you sleep in past noon, and now you’re pretending to be asleep just so you can skip your piano lessons?!” snapped Endeavor.

White panic gouged through Todoroki’s chest. My alarm… I forgot to set my alarm. I fell asleep. I didn’t… I spent all this time studying.

“I forgot to set my alarm…”

“Forgot? Your memory is too good to forget! You are not stupid, Shouto!”

When Todoroki returned to his room after his piano lessons, he found that his phone was gone, a notepad with a pen was sitting on his desk, and his painting of All Might that he’d painted for art class the year prior was torn and burned to scraps and ashes in the trash.

No… I spent a month painting that. You said you were so proud of me for painting it. Why did you… Todoroki examined the notepad left on his desk. ‘Write down your phone password. You aren’t getting this back until you can learn to respect me. You will never be playing games on your phone again.’ That’s not what I was doing… I wasn’t playing games. But there’s nothing I can do. You wouldn’t listen. I know how it goes. I try to explain anything because you always tell me I can tell you anything, you’d be happy to work things out with me, and you promise you want to hear my opinions because they’re important to you, and the moment I believe you… Why? Why? Why… Whatever… It’s my fault for wanting to believe that I could believe those words. It’s always my fault. Always…

My mistakes only happened because I woke up. And as long as I wake up, they’ll keep happening. Despite that, I keep waking up. Every day, I just keep waking up. Why? Because of my goals. My future. My dreams.

But they aren’t so much my goals, future, or dreams as they are his. But who am I to complain? I’m just a spoiled dog on a leash that can’t be grateful for anything, despite having everything spoon-fed to it. No wonder I’m fat.

Todoroki swallowed thickly and slowly pulled himself up to his feet, begrudgingly capitulating to the signals firing through his nerves. Despite his efforts, he still felt a writhing deluge of lightheadedness jolt through his skull like a chilled poison. He steadied himself against the wall with labored breaths.

Lumbering into the bathroom, Todoroki brushed his teeth and washed his face. He eyed the scale on the floor, and then, he stared at his reflection in the mirror. Todoroki had never paid much attention to his appearance until roughly one year into hearing Endeavor’s remarks about his weight, but as he began to gaze into his reflection with critical eyes more often, he found himself pointing out details he didn’t like just as often.

The more I look at the burn mark, the uglier it looks, Todoroki inwardly maundered. It’s even raised a little bit. It’s a little lighter here and a little darker there. I hate it. He tore his eyes away from the sanguine-colored splotch surrounding his left eye. Bakugou is more muscular than I am, yet, he’s also thinner. His waist is so small. Mine… An acerbic emotion stabbed the back of his tongue like a pen injecting its ink into him. The more I look at myself, the less I want to see myself, but the more I can’t help but do it anyway. What I’m doing now isn’t enough. He stepped back to scrupulously examine the whole of his reflection again. I see why Tenya would want me to lose weight. I’m disgusting. I didn’t pay enough attention to myself before to realize it. I’ll change to someone he can be proud of. Please accept me, Tenya. I’m trying.

“I’m trying…”

“You’re obviously not trying hard enough. Stop pretending!”

After finishing up in the bathroom, Todoroki ran for an hour before his body forcibly intervened. In the blaze of pink and orange scorching the sky, Todoroki fought for his breath on the pavement just outside of U.A. The cold morning air whipped a few skeleton leaves by his feet as he lowered himself to the ground. Pulsing lightheadedness cut through the folds of his brain and cracked through his skull. Despite that, Todoroki planned to run twice more that day.

Once the blistering fog in his brain had cleared up enough to allow him to stand without immediately dropping back to his knees, Todoroki shambled back to his dorm for a shower. Then, he stopped by Iida’s dorm, as per their routine in the mornings.

“Good morning,” Iida greeted Todoroki with a wave rather than a bow. “Are you perhaps using a new shampoo?” He inhaled Todoroki’s scent of a cool, blue richness before ensconcing Todoroki into his arms.

Todoroki nodded. “I’m surprised you noticed.” He felt his body melt into his boyfriend’s warmth. “My sister sent it to me. Do you like it?”

“I think it smells wonderful,” Iida remarked with a nod. “However, it isn’t as wonderful as you.” A smile curved onto his lips.

Todoroki habitually returned the smile as he and Iida brought their lips together, tracing their hands across each other’s sides. “Do you like it more than the other soap?” he queried once their lips retreated.

Iida tilted his head, keeping his hands on Todoroki’s sides. “Hm, I think both smell wonderful. But I do like this one a lot.” His hands traipsed from Todoroki’s shoulders to his hips. “Have you lost weight?”

Did I lose weight? Todoroki asked himself as a shiver of emotions raked through his blood. I don’t feel like I did, despite my efforts. ‘Have you lost weight?’ So he does want me to lose weight. If I’d just been a good enough boyfriend to have realized the obvious… I have to make up for it. I’m sorry I was too fucking selfish and only thinking about myself to have noticed.

Todoroki shook his head. “I don’t think so?” A serpent of heat wriggled through his chest, thrashing against his nerves.

Iida paused. “Ah, I think you’re perfect the way you are.” He grinned and brought Todoroki against his chest again. “As long as you’re happy with your body, that’s all that matters.”

Something bitter and cold oozed down Todoroki’s throat as he processed Iida’s words. You must be lying to avoid hurting my feelings. I’ve seen myself, and where I am right now is disgusting. Why wouldn’t you want me to lose weight? I’ve stared at myself for hours trying to figure out what to believe, and after dedicating that much time to it and having the evidence to back it up, I know I need to lose weight. Besides, I’m not happy with my body. If I could just get back to where I was, I’d be content, right?

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

Midterms are tomorrow, Todoroki sighed to himself while staring at the bowl of salad in front of him. I’m so hungry, but I don’t want to know I’ve eaten so many calories. Just healthy things. Just water. I still look disgusting. I don’t like how I look at all. My eyes are too far apart. My nose looks weird. My ears are shaped badly. I hate the small hairs on my knuckles. I hate the burn mark. He slowly drove his fork through a few pieces of lettuce; the snapping of a whitish-green spine split the air. Tenya could never be content with how I look. I know I’m not. How was I so blind that I wanted to believe I looked fine when it’s just a fact that I’m disgusting like this? I can tell I’ve lost weight now, but it’s not enough.

What’s worse is when I have to eat in front of others. Todoroki set his fork down and observed how his hand trembled over his desk. I’m not going to do well in the training battles if I don’t eat. I already fainted yesterday. ‘Training,’ he calls it. It always feels like an excuse to take his anger out on something. My ankle is still swollen. He stood up to his feet, plodding over the tatami mats in his room until he entered the bathroom and faced the scale by the door. Why am I so reluctant to see? My heart is pounding. This is the most alive I’ve felt all week. I’m terrified. Why? Get on. It’s cold. Ah. One hundred and forty-one. I lost sixteen pounds. But…why do I still look…

Inspecting his body in the mirror, Todoroki shook his head and closed his eyes. Why? he wanted to hiss. Why do I hardly look different? I thought I'd look a lot better. I don’t. I've barely done anything, despite all my efforts after all this time. Fuck… He hobbled back to his desk and sieved the packet of math homework he’d finished half of. I don’t want to. I just want to sleep and pretend like it doesn’t exist. It took me three hours to finish half. I’m so tired of this. I’m so tired of studying. I’m so tired of spending all my time outside of school doing work or training. I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore. I just feel empty and tired. Picking up his pencil again, he scanned the next question he’d yet to answer. Volumes of revolution questions…

Then, Todoroki’s phone buzzed.

Bakugou
Get ie t ehf

Todoroki arched a brow. What? He’s probably high. He let out a sigh, but his breath was severed in his throat when his phone began to vibrate in his hand. He’s calling me now?

Todoroki accepted the call, but before he could open his mouth, a faint, ragged voice gasped, “Help.”

Before he could think, Todoroki was bounding down the hallway and diving into the elevator for Bakugou’s floor. “Bakugou, what happened?” he asked, suppressing the stutter that reared its head in his trembling throat.

“I…” The sound of long, deep breaths met Toodroki’s ears. “I tried… Fuck. I-I overdosed. Hah… It’s all…blurry.” Bakugou’s words were slow and brittle.

Todoroki’s heart lunged at his ribs. “I’ll be there soon. Take some deep breaths.” His body swerved the moment the elevator began to move.

“Don’t look…at the counter,” Bakugou huffed.

I should have realized this was coming, Todoroki lambasted himself as the groan of the elevator filled his ears. I should’ve been able to prevent this. I call myself his friend, and I failed to do something as simple as help and support him? He leaned back against the metal handrail. Endeavor is right… I’m too absorbed by my own selfishness to realize I’m not the only person in this world. I always do this. Always. Always. I let everyone down when they need me the most. No wonder I’m always yelled at. No wonder everyone wants something out of me. No wonder he always takes and breaks my things.

“So, you’re trying to skip your chores? We have a schedule, and slacking off playing games with your brother is not on the schedule!”

But you said the schedule was flexible if it didn’t work for me, I never see Natsu, and what does it matter if I do my chores an hour late? Natsu wanted to spend time with me, and you said I don’t spend enough time with family. Isn’t this what you wanted?

“I asked Shouto to play a game with me,” Natsuo, Todoroki’s older brother, admitted. “I haven’t seen him for half a year.”

“I don’t care. He should know better than this. He’s trying to take the easy way out and avoid his chores!”

Thwack!

“Father!”

No wonder he hits me.

The ding of the elevator pierced Todoroki back into reality like a hole-puncher as he stepped out of the elevator. “I’m right outside. Take a deep breath.” He careened around the corner of the hallway and sprinted for Bakugou’s dorm.

Then, Todoroki jerked open the door in front of him and stepped inside the room. Frantically glancing around Bakugou’s dorm, Todoroki turned his attention to the bathroom. Bakugou was sitting on the floor against the bathroom counter and sink, shivering with his phone face-up on the floor. The odor of stomach acid and sour, partially-digested food permeated the air.

Todoroki’s limbs went numb as his guts screamed at him. “I’m here,” he assured Bakugou, crouching down and glancing at a pair of pupils that had shriveled into a round sea of red. “I’ll take you to the infirmary.” With a grunt, he gathered Bakugou into his arms, inadvertently catching a glimpse at a white piece of paper on the bathroom counter.

‘I can’t do this anymore,’ Todoroki read before briskly making his way into the elevator.

“I can’t fucking do this anymore. And now you know about not just one thing, but two things you were never supposed to know about. I can’t even lie my way out of this. Hah… Lemme guess, you’re gonna send me off to a psych ward and let them deal with me instead.”

And I actually know of a third thing, based on this odor. I’m sorry.

“No. If you’ll see Recovery Girl with me for the wounds, and you promise to truly make an effort to stop, I won’t. I don’t know what you’re going through, but please, Bakugou, don’t end things like this.”

“Fine.”

Todoroki expelled a soul-rippling sigh of utter relief. “If you’re feeling up to it, let’s go to the arcade tomorrow.” He extended his hand to Bakugou.

Bakugou raised his brows ever so slightly. “Really? With me?” he asked, glancing away.

If it gives you at least one reason to get up tomorrow and keep pushing on…

“This is what friends are for, right? I’ve obviously been a neglectful friend. This is the least I can do to make up for it.”

A subtle smirk poked at Bakugou’s cheeks as he shook Todoroki’s hand. “Fine. If this’ll keep you quiet about all this, fine.”

“Then it looks like we’ll be frequenting the arcade, as a new stipulation.”

“Hah? Fuck you. Fine.” Bakugou paused. “Yer a good person…”

“Bakugou? Can you hear me?” Todoroki asked, but although Bakugou blinked, Bakugou was unresponsive. “Bakugou? Bakugou? Shit.” He grit his teeth, attempting to stabilize his breathing while his pulse reverberated through his wrists, eyeballs, and temples. “Don’t die…”

I’ve tried to convince you to get help ever since that day, but you never wanted it, Todoroki thought as the whirring of the elevator scraped through his ears. I knew I should’ve gotten help for you. Don’t die on me, Bakugou. You’re one of the only reasons I… No, that’s not true. He swallowed thickly when the elevator bobbed to a halt. I gave you the numbers to all the helplines I know of, but you never used any of them, did you? He tore across the school campus for the infirmary, biting down on the cramps in his legs, the stabbing in his ankle, and the constriction in his chest. I wish you wouldn’t pretend like you’re happy when you’re not. I’ve been able to see through it, but I never know how to help. I wish I did. I’m sorry I failed you, Bakugou… 

Stumbling into the infirmary, Todoroki expeditiously laid Bakugou on his side on the nearest bed. Recovery Girl scrambled to reach the two from the opposite end of the room, causing her gray bun of hair to bob.

“It’s an overdose,” Todoroki panted, forcing out the words his mind kept a transparent leash on. “I don’t know what substance, though.” He attempted to recall Bakugou’s bathroom, but he was unable to pick out any felicitous details. “I don’t know when he took it or what amount it was taken in. He did throw up at some point.” He clutched his freezing fingers together, warming them ever so slightly with his Quirk.

Having confirmed that Bakugou had a pulse and was breathing, Recovery Girl promptly began to sterilize Bakugou’s arm. “Do you know if this was an intentional or accidental overdose?” She inserted an IV into Bakugou’s arm.

Todoroki vacillated over his response. He’ll be pissed if I say the truth, he thought. But I want him to get better. I don’t want this to happen again.

“I’m…not sure,” Todoroki replied, feeling his head pulsate with a sharp coldness. “Ah. Can I speak with you outside once he’s in a stable condition?” He turned his back to the living corpse of his friend.

Recovery Girl nodded, and with that, Todoroki stepped out of the infirmary and sank down against the wall. He breathed heavily, clearing his throat every now and again while his heart kicked at his core. He felt as though his stomach had shriveled into a raisin, and yet, his appetite had been drowned.

I’m so glad he called me. Todoroki’s fingers began to tingle. Why did he? What made him change his mind? ‘I can’t do this anymore.’ Every time I remember that, it hurts. I know he’s hurting a lot. Damn. But I can’t even blame him. Leaving it all behind doesn’t sound too bad right now. He mulled over his thoughts for a second. That’s…not a good thing.

“I've given you everything like the ungrateful, spoiled brat you are, and it’s still not enough for you?! You didn’t even thank me for letting you stay after school to finish your project you procrastinated on anyway!”

“I didn’t procrastinate on it…”

“Yes you did. Don’t pretend like you’re too stupid to have needed all this time to finish it!”

“I didn’t… I was busy with my other classes and piano less—”

THWACK!

“And now you’re trying to blame me for your own problems?! You are not dropping those fucking piano lessons, Shouto! You are the only one to blame for all of this!”

That’s not what I said… That’s not what I said at all… Why won’t you listen? Why? I should’ve known it was useless to try and defend myself. I wish I hadn’t. I’m so fucking stupid…

Or maybe…

Once Recovery Girl peeked out of the infirmary, she said, “Bakugou should make a full recovery. He’s currently unconscious, though.” She stood in front of Todoroki, who rose up to his feet. “What did you want to ask?”

Todoroki kept his eyes glued on the wall beside him. “Is it possible for you to set someone up with a therapist?” he asked in a low whisper.

Recovery Girl nodded. “Yes, typically in extreme cases, though, and it’s a process that requires parental consent.”

Todoroki’s heart thundered in his throat. “Can you do that for him?” He ensured his voice remained as a whisper. “I don’t know how to help, and he refuses to get help for himself. He’s not in a good place, and I’m worried he’ll do something like this again.” He exhaled a long, shaky breath.

“Bakugou, don’t.”

“I don’t fucking care anymore. There’s no point in continuing. All I’m gonna get is loss after loss after embarrassment after failure.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Recovery Girl reassured Todoroki with a soft smile. “I’ll check in with him and offer support, and if he doesn’t accept, I’ll contact his parents about the situation and go from there.” Her smile faded.

“Thank you.” Todoroki nodded and lugged his heavy body back to his dorm with ponderous steps. “I’m curious about what his letter says, but I’ll respect his request.” He cast his gaze to his phone when another notification popped up on the screen.

Tenya
Once midterms are over, would you like to go on a date to celebrate?

Shouto
That sounds great

I’m already dreading it, Todoroki internally muttered. I love you, Tenya, but I don’t want to look like this on our dates. I’m ashamed of myself. I don’t want to let you down as well. That’s all I ever do—let everyone down. No matter what I do or how hard I try to be an ideal friend, I fuck it all up. Do I even try to be an ideal friend for their sake, or am I just doing it to not be selfish, and ultimately, it’s for my own selfishness anyway? I don’t know. Either way, I hurt them all the same. Just by occupying space in the world, I hurt them. I feel like…they’d all be better off if I just erased the thing bringing them all this unnecessary pain already.

Chapter Text

Tenya Iida

Iida had been plagued with a thick layer of worry for the past week as though it had been grease on a frying pan. Regardless of how he attempted to cleanse his mind of his qualms, the oily residue remained. As the days went by where he was unable to remove the grease from his mind, the sticky layer only thickened.

When Todoroki arrived at Iida’s dorm on Monday, the first day of midterms at U.A., thirty minutes earlier than anticipated, Iida’s heart ruthlessly quaked. Todoroki’s lightless eyes drooped, and his frame seemed ever so slightly thinner than what Iida remembered. Not only that, but rather than waving as he did every morning, Todoroki swiftly hobbled into Iida’s chest, silently initiating an embrace.

Did something happen? Iida immediately wondered while holding his lover fast. His behavior has been all sorts of abnormal. What do I say? Should I say anything? Shouto… A fiery twinge of electric pain swished through his chest when Todoroki abruptly flinched, contorting his expression into a scrunched, sweaty fold.

“I’m here, Shouto,” Iida assured his boyfriend, steadying his breaths. “It’s all right. Did something happen?”

Todoroki sharply exhaled, but he did not speak. Instead, his tenacity around Iida’s waist tightened. Exhaling again, his stomach expelled a whine.

I can tell he’s been eating less and less, Iida thought, massaging Todoroki’s shoulders and back with the palms of his hands. Not only that, but he’s only been eating ‘healthy’ foods. He’s been exercising much more frequently. He’s taken much longer to respond. He’s declined more activities. He’s spaced out more. He’s not himself. But…every time I ask about it, he says he’s fine. I’m at a loss. I keep stumbling back here. I’m immensely worried, but I don’t want to pry. He uttered again that it would be all right. What should I do? I still have no answer. I’m unsure. I’m incredibly unsure. What can I do for him?

“Is there anything I can do for you?” inquired Iida in a soft whisper, but Todoroki shook his head. “Would you like me to make cold soba for you? No? Are you hungry? Shouto, I feel like you’ve lost a considerable bit of weight over this past month.”

For a while, Todoroki held his silence. “I just…haven’t been hungry,” he murmured.

Then, a revelation incinerated Iida’s psyche. “Have you also felt like you’re tired and don’t have much energy?” His chest was squeezed by a vice of arrant trepidation when Todoroki shrugged. “I’ve noticed you haven’t been as talkative lately, either. Have midterms been stressful?” His hands slowly rubbed towards Todoroki’s neck.

Todoroki shook his head. “It’s not that they stress me out. I’m just…tired of studying. Tenya, I’m all right.” He pulled back from Iida, but Iida denied his endeavor.

I know you aren’t… Why is it that you keep lying to me? If you truly love me, you should trust me, right? That’s how it should be…right?

“Shouto, please don’t lie to me,” Iida beseeched, gently pressing his fingers into Todoroki’s flesh. “I love you, and I hate to see you not as yourself. You don’t have to say anything you’re not comfortable with, but I want to help, and I want you to trust me.”

Each second of Todoroki’s silence was a needle in Iida’s temple. “I don’t know what to say,” Todoroki finally uttered under his breath. “Even if I wanted to say something, the words wouldn’t come out. I don’t know. Sorry…” His chin buried deeper into Iida’s shoulder.

Iida closed his eyes. Even if it’s selfish of me, I wish you knew. I can’t blame you whatsoever, but I wish I could do something more. It pains me, Shouto. I want to fix your problems. He ran his hand through Todoroki’s hair and placed a tender kiss on the side of Todoroki’s head. I feel like there’s a strong chance you’re struggling with depression and aren’t aware of it. Loss of appetite, constant tiredness, poor sleep, loss of enjoyment… Is that why he exercises more often?

“How do you feel right now?” Iida asked.

Todoroki replied with silence for a few seconds. “Really, I’m fine. I’m more worried about you. Will you be okay with the exams today with your brother’s condition?”

“Tenya,” Tensei sighed, “don’t look at me like I’m a dying man. I’ll—”

“Please stop lying to me… I understand you want the best for me, but that is exactly what I wish for you as well. I can’t help you at all if you keep lying to me. That… I’m not a blissfully ignorant child, Tensei. Lying isn’t going to protect me from anything. All it’s doing…is creating this immense guilt, and this rift between us that I don’t want to see. 

“Ten—”

“If you were to die tomorrow, and I'd wholeheartedly believed you… I don’t…”

Iida’s words drowned in the tightening of his throat, and the liquid dolor swimming in his eyes.

You were nearly murdered twice, and the first left you in a coma, but you want me to believe you’re fine? You never did anything to warrant this kind of hatred. If anything, they are the ones who deserve to… No. No one deserves that. But deep down, I still wish I could avenge you.

Iida held his tongue, letting out a sigh as his chest convulsed with pain. “I’ll certainly manage. I know he’ll recover, as unfortunate as it is that he was attacked again.” He nodded, listening to Todoroki’s typical breaths against his chest. “But… Shouto, I don’t want to dismiss this. I feel like you might be depressed, based on what I’ve seen. I don’t mean that to sound like I think you’re sick. I’m simply worried about your health.” His voice hung in the air like a fir tree covered in snow.

Todoroki shook his head. “Tenya…I know I’m not depressed. I’m not sad. I’m not angry. I’m not depressed.” He lifted his head, donning a fragile smile. “You’re very sweet for worrying.”

Like rust eroding metal, Iida felt his throat sour with a snarl of emotions. “Depression can present itself in various forms,” he uttered while his heartbeat bashed into the rhythm of Todoroki’s heartbeat. “Have you felt empty, hopeless, or numb?” His pulse quickened.

Once again, Todoroki shook his head. “No. Tenya, I’m all right.” His fingers traced over Iida’s cheek as his shoulders began to sink. “I just wish I could…make my homework disappear.” He took a breath in and gazed into Iida’s eyes with a smile that drove needles into Iida’s nerves.

I don’t believe you… Iida’s lips were swept under a familiar wave of warmth. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to help. What do you say to someone who is almost certainly depressed? His hands gradually traipsed over Todoroki’s shoulders, soon beginning to slide down.

Iida ran his hands along Todoroki’s sides, but he withdrew his hands when Todoroki winced again. “Are you hurt? Did someone hurt you?” His voice attained a harsh varnish.

“No, I just have some bruises from training,” Todoroki uttered with hollow words.

Something slippery and wreathed in fire squirmed through Iida’s core. “I understand your training must be incredibly intensive and made to be more realistic to a true fight, but it does concern me every time I see you with new injuries. Do you…dread the training sessions at all?”

“I used to,” Todoroki admitted, “but there’s no better practice than one where I truly feel threatened. Learning techniques and executing them against another person are two different things.”

I suppose he’s right. But it pains me that he has to suffer all these injuries for enhanced training. Iida unwound a lengthy sigh from his throat. What do you do when the person you love isn’t themself, but they won’t say what’s wrong? I don’t know. I wish I knew. Tell me. Please tell me… What am I not understanding, Shouto? It’s like being with Tensei… His brows twitched.

Then, after being submerged in silence for another minute, Todoroki murmured, “Tenya?”

“Yes?” Iida’s heart was like a ricocheting ball.

“If there’s something you and someone you trust both have a problem with, it’s sensible to fix the problem, right?” Todoroki lowered his head to Iida’s shoulder.

Iida raised a brow. “I suppose so? Is there something bothering you?”

Todoroki shook his head. “Someone asked me that, but I didn’t know what to say.” He fell into silence again. “I’m sorry I’m so bad at picking up on the things that should be obvious.” He wriggled free from Iida’s arms. “I guess we should head to class. Sorry for taking up your time.”

Iida followed Todoroki out of his dorm and into the hallway. “Not at all. It’s always a pleasure seeing you, Todoroki.” His stomach wrapped around itself when he noticed the faint limp in Todoroki’s step. “Did you eat?”

Todoroki nodded. “Did you?”

I’m not sure if I believe you, Shouto, Iida thought while nodding as well. It’s weighing on me that you aren’t honest with me. Have I done something to break your trust? Am I not treating you well enough? I’ve spent countless nights worrying over things like that. He forced out the air occupying his lungs. Perhaps it’s the pressure and anxiety from midterms that’s been eating away at his mental health. I highly doubt it’s the full reason, but if I don’t see improvements a bit after midterms are over, I’ll confront him again.

Then, as Iida took his seat in class 3-A, he realized that Bakugou’s chair was vacant. Bakugou had never missed a day of class, and he always arrived at least five minutes prior to the initial warning bell for homeroom. Yet, as the warning bell droned through the walls, Bakugou had yet to arrive.

Is he truly missing an exam day? Iida wondered while Aizawa began to speak to Todoroki. I hope nothing happened. His eyes followed Todoroki and Aizawa to the hallway door. What are they discussing? They’re gone. Shouto… What do you do when someone you love seems to be masking depression? What do you do when someone you love seems to be slowly dying in the hospital? He buried the liquid sprouting from the depths of his eyes with his eyelids. What do you do…when all of it is too much to handle?

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

Todoroki didn’t know how to describe the feeling asphyxiating him like a child’s hand around the neck of a doll. His guts hung heavy, and yet, his breaths and movements were like feathers in the wind. He felt the world flicker by and fizzle out into a distant memory as though sitting in the back seat of a car. A sleep-inducing fog circulated through his head, and although he was acutely aware of the ramifications of performing poorly on any of his exams, his brain had gradually drained away like water in a clogged drain.

It’s over, Todoroki thought while handing his math test up to the front of the class. At least I finished and had a few minutes left to check my work. I don’t feel confident about it, and math is one of my best subjects. That’s just the first of five. Science is next. He stood up from his desk, but he swiftly faltered back into his seat when his skull was seared with a throbbing pain. I don’t want to eat anything. I get full quickly now, and I hate feeling full. But Aizawa already asked about it. Slowly staggering up to his feet again, Todoroki walked up to Bakugou, who was slumped over on his desk. I’m astonished he showed up, albeit late.

“Bakugou, are—”

“Go away,” hissed a muffled, baritone voice from Bakugou.

Todoroki stood still and stared at his friend. “Come with me to my dorm after school,” he sighed in a whisper, stepping back after a few seconds without a reply.

I’m sure he will, Todoroki told himself while turning around to see Iida standing a few feet away from him.

“Bakugou, are you feeling unwell?” Iida asked from beside Todoroki.

Bakugou clenched his hands and pushed himself out of his seat. “Fine,” he grumbled, briskly thumping out of the classroom.

“I feel that he’s been more irritable lately,” Iida uttered with a crestfallen expression. “I wonder if something happened.”

“Help.”

Todoroki’s stomach tightened. “Maybe,” he murmured. “How do you think you did?”

Iida straightened his posture. “Very well, actually,” he replied with newfound verve in his words. “I’ve been studying quite a bit on the problems that used to be difficult for me, and they’ve been much easier. Do you think you did well?”

A smile slithered onto Todoroki’s face. “I’m happy it went well for you. I think I did all right.” He refrained from joining his hand with Iida’s as he tore off a small chunk of skin from his left thumb.

“Shouto, even if you didn’t get straight A’s, I’d still be proud of you. You know that, right?”

Right…

“You got a B on your test!? You only have the freedom that you do around here because you have good grades, and a B is not a good grade!”

The class average was a D plus…

Iida returned a smile. “Wonderful! However, I don’t think I’ll have this kind of confidence for our next exam.”

Todoroki held up his empty smile. “You’ll do great, Iida.”

With that, Todoroki soon turned over his packet for the last exam of the day: science. He neither liked nor disliked the subject, but he could only grit his teeth when the first section of the exam was a lengthy portion that he’d forgotten to study for outside of the review packets he’d received. He promptly turned the page and began his work, but although he was familiar with the process to achieve his answers, he quickly realized he’d forgotten one of the crucial equations for the section. Shaking his head, he repeated that everything would be fine to himself while his body shivered and secreted more sweat than usual.

This headache isn’t helping, Todoroki inwardly groaned while scratching down his work for another problem. It’s fine. It doesn’t matter. Three, two, six. Just write what you can. Dammit, what do I do with this? I can’t remember. It’s fine. Ah, finally one I’m confident about. Converting this is… Sixteen, one hundred and sixty… How much time is left? No. I don’t have time to think about that. It’s fine. It’s fine.

Is it?

“Shouto? Shouto, open the door this instant! You are not skipping school! You have five seconds to get out here! Do you hear me?!”

All Todoroki could do was stifle the sobs pouring out of his throat with a pillow under the covers of his futon. Even as Endeavor began a countdown that reverberated through the walls and pierced deep into his temples like wavy bullets of sand, Todoroki was paralyzed.

BAM!

Todoroki’s heart was torn open by a frothing, white poison.

“And now you’re pretending like you slept through all of that?! Unacceptable! Get up. GET UP!” Endeavor ripped away the pillow shielding Todoroki’s red, tear-stained face. “You were crying? Crying, Shouto?!” He bashed his foot into his son’s chest. “Unbelievable… THIS IS NOT OKAY AT ALL, SHOUTO! Stop acting like your life is miserable! Because it isn’t!”

I… Todoroki’s organs were writhing and undulating at the memories beleaguering his head. I forgot about that happening. And then he… No. No. Don’t. I don’t have time to get bogged down by the past. Forget. Move on. ‘You have no right to keep holding a grudge, Shouto. That happened yesterday. Move on.’ Whatever. Round it to one decimal place? That’s unusual. One? Am I reading this wrong? It’s fine. 

Hyperventilating at the kotatsu after having been hit and vilified by Endeavor, Todoroki could remember only two things:

One, how Endeavor stood up to his feet, slapped his hands against his hips, and muttered, “Unbelievable…”

Two, how Endeavor threw a paper bag at the kotatsu before walking away, leaving Todoroki to struggle for oxygen by himself.

Stop. Stop remembering. Stop… I could have gone my whole life without remembering that, but I just had to remember. Forget it. It’s fine. Stop fucking shaking. You’re pathetic. He can hit me if he wants. I just want to be done with this and sleep. I can’t sleep after this. Three point zero eight. Is that right? I can’t second-guess myself now. Hurry up. I’m wasting time just by thinking about how much time is left.

Once Todoroki’s test had been collected, he peered out the window to the gray, cloudy skies. He wasn’t sure whether to feel relieved or anxious, but what he did feel aligned with neither of the emotions he presumed would be appropriate for the situation. He classified that emotion neither as happiness nor sadness, and beyond that, he was uncertain of how to label it or delineate its properties.

While Kaminari tapped Bakugou on the shoulder, Todoroki walked up to Iida with a narrowed gait. “Was it all right?” Todoroki asked his significant other.

Iida released a protracted sigh from his lips. “Well, it certainly isn’t one I’m confident in.” He nudged his glasses back up and straightened his posture. “But I have faith I still did well. How do you feel about it?”

Like I got everything wrong. “All right, I guess,” Todoroki replied.

“Would you like to stop by the bakery in celebration of getting through today?” Iida offered with a radiant smile.

Todoroki’s stomach twisted at the thought. “I actually planned to speak with Bakugou after school, but maybe later.” He and Iida simultaneously espied Bakugou, whose jaw was shifted and expression was wrinkled as Kaminari flailed his arms around.

Iida nodded. “Understood. I’ll text you later, then. Lo…” He pursed his lips as a thin red glow adhered to his cheeks. “Lovely…weather,” he chuckled nervously.

Todoroki raised a brow. “I don’t see how this weather is lovely.” He glanced outside to see translucent droplets bleeding down the classroom windows.

A soft laugh burst from Iida’s mouth. “Sh… Surely not. I was being sarcastic.”

His laugh is cute. “Oh.”

Then, a repetitive motion arrested Todoroki’s attention, and from behind Iida, Ashido was waving at him. “Todoroki-kun, over here,” she whisper-shouted, twirling onto one leg as Todoroki approached her. “So, I’ve been dying to know…” She covered the left side of her mouth with her hand and softened her voice to a whisper. “Are you and Iida…a thing? I’ve seen you and him go lots of places together, and you’ve even shared the same ice cream cone.”

“I never want you to be around those disgusting things known as homosexuals. It’s wrong, and it’s disgusting. I don’t want them tainting you, Shouto.”

It’s not wrong, and it’s not disgusting. I’m not gay, and I don’t see anything wrong with it.

A hot eel wriggled through Todoroki. “Oh,” he said, glancing down at Ashido’s pink legs. “We’re just friends.” He held his breath.

Even if our relationship wasn’t private, telling you the truth would only come back to bite me in the ass later.

Ashido snapped her fingers. “Aww, I thought I was onto something. Kaminari brought it up to me, and I started seeing more signs too. Rats.” Her grin was like the arc of a flower petal. “It’s fun seeing you smile for him. I’m happy you have a close friend like him!”

Todoroki’s lips snaked into a smile. “I’m grateful for the friends I’ve made here. It’s thanks to all of you that I am where I am now.” He cast his gaze to Midoriya, who was scribbling something down on a piece of paper for Uraraka.

I hope I can face off against him again with my full power. I’ve grown a lot. But…it feels like I’m stagnating and getting weaker. I don’t want to eat more when I’m already fat. I’d go as long as possible without eating, but if I did that, people would worry, and I’d be even weaker. But I want to…

“Same here!” chirped Ashido, who began waving in Kaminari and Bakugou’s direction. “Denki, I don’t think Bakugou is budging.”

Kaminari poked Bakugou’s forehead, but Bakugou kept his arms crossed and a sour lour on his face. “Yeah, I can’t get a word out of him.” He let out a sigh and shrugged his shoulders, walking up to Ashido and Todoroki. “The guy probably aced the exams anyway. Dunno why he’s a recalcitrant today.”

I do, Todoroki sighed to himself. I can tell today has been nothing but hell for him. I thought today was exhausting, but I’m sure it’s a thousand times worse for him. He began to walk back to his dorm.

“A recalci-what?” Ashido asked, but her voice had already been muffled in Todoroki’s head.

I trust he’ll go. Todoroki left the door to his dorm slightly ajar and plugged his phone into the charger by his bed. I’m so tired. The training battle is tomorrow. I don’t fucking want to. It’s hard enough just to get up. How pathetic. He lifted his shirt ever so slightly to examine the burn wound and bruises on his stomach. Shit. It looks terrible. Endeavor calls this ‘going easy.’ Burn me while I’m down and then punch me there. ‘You can’t expect a true villain to let you get up and recover.’ Tenya, you think I’m depressed, but I’m not. If anything, Endeavor is. It was bad enough when Mom was here, but then…

“IT’S YOUR FAULT, SHOUTO!”

How did I not realize it? Because of me… Todoroki’s eyes outlined the wounds on his stomach. I deserve it. I fucking deserve it. I understand. Everything makes sense. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Mom. I’m sorry, Endeavor. I’m sorry… ‘I’m sorry’ isn’t enough. It never was. It never will be.

“I love you, Shouto,” Rei, Todoroki’s mother, whispered. “I love you and all your siblings so much.”

Why did I have to exist? Todoroki wanted to cry as he recalled the expression of his mother when a kettle of boiling water was poured down his face. If I never fucking existed…you would’ve been happy. Everyone would’ve been happy. It’s only because of me that this family fell apart. He’s right… It’s my fault. And yet, he’s the one who—

Todoroki instinctively jerked his shirt down when he heard something thump nearby, but once he turned his head to the sound, he was met with a crimson glare.

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

Subzero shock wrenched Todoroki’s ribs apart like a beast’s fangs cracking through bone. His throat was sealed shut with a searing line of burning rubber, and his pulse exploded through his body like fireworks. He didn’t know what to do as the door clicked shut, leaving him ensnared by the blood-colored eyes in front of him.

“What was that?” growled Bakugou, whose menacing aura eclipsed Todoroki’s veins with acid.

Todoroki swallowed thickly. “It’s nothing,” he muttered as Bakugou took a step forward. “Really.” He could hear Bakugou’s foot hit the floor again. “What do you want?” He finally took a step back when Bakugou had stepped within two feet of him. “You’re getting very close.” His spine hit his desk when he shuffled back another step, but Bakugou only stepped closer; he could feel the heat emanating from Bakugou’s body.

What am I supposed to do? Todoroki cerebrated while gazing into Bakugou’s eyes. I don’t think he’s high. I don’t like this. Is he going to hit me? What—

Then, Bakugou’s lips parted, and in a gravelly voice, he sibilated, “You look thinner too.” He stepped back.

Todoroki closed his eyes and let out a long, audible sigh. “I wanted to speak with you about what happened yesterday.”

Midoriya also commented on my weight. I haven’t lost enough to make myself look presentable. How? How much more do I need to cut the calories and exercise just to do enough for you?

Bakugou clicked his tongue. “I feel like talking about this first,” he retaliated. “Are you trying to lose weight?” He rubbed the dark bags under his eyes.

Absolutely. But why does it feel wrong to say that? I can’t say that. He’ll think I have a problem. I don’t. I just want to lose a bit more. Enough to be okay with my body. Enough to see the numbers drop. Enough to know that this was enough. No matter how much I have to sacrifice…

Who are you really doing this for?

Todoroki swallowed the words crawling up his throat. “No.” His voice was like a snowflake in the wind.

Bakugou’s expression contorted into a scowl. “Really?” He drummed his fingers against his arm. “I’m not stupid. Is it just a coincidence you started to lose weight and change your diet right after you asked me if I thought your body looked fine as it was?”

Shit. I didn’t even realize the implications of what I’d said at the time. Why do I always regret everything I say, even now?

“It’s for the midterm battle,” Todoroki explained, keeping his frosty eyes locked on Bakugou’s fiery eyes. “It wasn’t my goal to lose weight, but I do feel better with the change in diet and the additional exercise, so I’ll probably stick with that.”

Bringing his palm to his face, Bakugou sighed, “You swear yer not trying to starve yourself? This is hella unusual for you.” His eyes were blood daggers.

Without thinking, Todoroki nodded. “I like food too much to do that,” he said with levity. “As Kaminari says, I’m a ‘bottomless pit’ with cold soba.”

It’s true, and I hate how true it is. No wonder I gained so much weight. I love cold soba. I like food. But if killing those desires will satisfy you…

“Fine, I’ll believe you,” Bakugou begrudgingly conceded. “Now what’s the thing on your belly?”

Although incertitude fogged up Todoroki’s mind, he slowly lifted his shirt to reveal the dark burn mark surrounded by a lake of purple bruising on his stomach. “Endeavor went overboard and accidentally burned me. He didn’t want me to tell anyone he made the mistake.” He nodded, unfazed by his prevarication. “So, what happened yesterday, Bakugou?”

“Tch. You probably read the note, didn’t you?” Bakugou averted his eyes to the floor.

“I accidentally read the first sentence when I picked you up. That’s all I saw.”

“Well, then that’s all you need to know,” Bakugou hissed, donning a lour.

Todoroki squinted his eyes. “Bakugou,” he protested. “I’m not asking you to say your life story. I just want you to feel like you can talk about it. I’m here for you. I won’t judge your answer.”

“Shouto,” sighed Endeavor, “you know you can talk to me, right?”

Once I got the courage to, you didn’t care that I was hurt. You found a way to blame it all on me and then get mad at me for talking to you. I was hurt, and you knew that, but you still hurt me again and blamed me for it when it was out of my control.

Bakugou pulled his lips back. “It doesn’t matter why I tried. I called you cuz…” He paused as his apoplectic expression wilted. “For one thing, I was sick to my stomach, and I kept getting chills and other shit I was tired of putting up with. It was selfish, but…I wanted to see if anyone would care. I didn’t do this as a sick, twisted test or anything, but in that moment, I felt like no one would care. If you picked up, I'd keep living, and if you didn’t, I’d just die there, knowing no one cared. Obviously, one phone call can’t be the judge of how much everyone cares, but in my high, panicking state, it felt like it.” His voice had softened, smoothing the edges of his words.

Todoroki was soused in silent ambivalence for a moment. “I’m so glad you’re alive right now, Bakugou. I’m very grateful you called me. If I’d missed your call and knew I could’ve prevented that…I would’ve been beyond devastated.” He locked eyes with Bakugou. “I don’t know what you’re going through, but your being alive is enough to put me at ease and put a smile on my face. I’m sorry I failed to—”

Bakugou tore his eyes away. “Shut up… You didn’t fail at anything.” He squeezed his hands into fists. “You were always there for me. Even in the background, your stupid fucking ass was there. You always gave me a reason to get out of bed.” His eyes began to fill with a glassy film. “You were the only person who saw through my bullshit…and actually did something instead of just letting me destroy myself. You did something instead of just standing by and watching me go down a shitty path, not caring or doing shit until I was at my worst. Everyone else just watches, and then when it’s impossible not to notice, they look at you like you’re this sad, pathetic thing.

“They act like they’re so concerned, but if they were really concerned, they’d have done something ages ago. Don’t bullshit me… You only care cuz you’ll look like the asshole for not at least doing something. It’s not about me. Hah. It’s about you and how other people will look at you, so, if anything, you’re capitalizing on my misery to make a good impression.” He exhaled a shaky breath. “To be clear, I wasn’t referring to you. You did what everyone else never would. Despite all you’d done, I…” Todoroki offered his open arms to Bakugou, but Bakugou pulled away with bared teeth. “Why’re you still being so goddamn nice to me? Fuck off. I don’t…”

Todoroki stood beside Bakugou and placed his hand on Bakugou’s shoulder. The moment he did, Bakugou's eyes overflowed with glistening, silver streams, and Bakugou coiled his arms around Todoroki. Disgorging a ragged sob into Todoroki’s shoulder, Bakugou held Todoroki with shaking arms.

Deep down, you want this kindness, don’t you? Todoroki realized while rubbing Bakugou’s back with familiar hand motions that he couldn’t quite remember the familiarity of. Even though you hate yourself, you don’t truly want to be alone. 

“A-After all the shit I’ve put you through,” Bakugou sobbed, “you still…haven’t left me. I don’t… I don’t fucking want you by my side! Just…leave like everyone else…” Despite his words, he strengthened his grip around Todoroki.

“It’ll take a lot more than that to make me leave you, Bakugou,” Todoroki assured his friend whose abject sorrows had finally begun to be vomited up. “Even when we argue, I’m still having a good time. I know I don’t show it, but some of my fondest memories at U.A. are with you.” He gently swayed his hips to the sides, rocking back and forth in a gentle cadence with Bakugou.

“I hate you…” gasped Bakugou, who sniffled and loosened his grip around Todoroki. “All this time, you’ve just… You’ve been so damn patient. You never step over my boundaries. Even though I’ve kept everything from you…and I was this close to doing something so fucking selfish…” He shook his head, curling his fingers into the fabric of Todoroki’s uniform. “I…tried to end it all because nothing is enough to fix me anymore. There’s not a single fucking day where I… Where I don’t feel miserable and like I want to die. I’ve fucked my body with drugs and alcohol…and it’s not even enough anymore, but it’s unbearable without them. I’m so fucking stressed over midterms that I can’t hold any food down. My old hag’s been reminding me I’m not enough and not working hard enough, and my dad just goes along with what she says.

“I even have antidepressants… Yeah, I’ve fucking been to therapy. I’ve fucking seen a psychologist. I never told you…because I’m fucking ashamed of it.” Bakugou exhaled sharply. “My parents found out I was on drugs, and they forced me into it. It didn’t help… I’ve had to pretend like I’m not constantly wanting to fucking kill myself so they won’t put me back in therapy. The antidepressants haven’t done shit, and I’m too ashamed to say they don’t work. I’d fucking had enough…so I overdosed. I wanted to die so badly…but I’m so useless that I couldn’t even do that.” His tears had slowed, and his breaths began to return to a natural rhythm. “I feel like my whole life is just a waste. No one actually cares. I’ve fucked everything up for myself. Despite that…I still had the audacity to let myself fall for someone. How worthless am I to fall for the only person who gave me their hand? Yeah, I fucking fell for you, Todoroki…”

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

You fell…for me? Todoroki’s pulse quickened, rattling through his bones like a screw clanking between ribs. But I’m with Tenya. What do I say? If I say I don’t feel the same, I’m sure he’d perpetually beat himself up for asking. Wait… Todoroki recalled one specific sentence Bakugou said. I knew I should’ve lied then. Dammit. But I thought he was planning to get back together with Kirishima. I do share many of the same feelings I feel with Tenya around him. I’ve also randomly thought about how it’d feel to kiss him. If I wasn’t with Tenya, I think I’d say I like him as well. But I’m staying loyal to Tenya.

Todoroki could feel the warm wetness of his uniform around his left shoulder. He could feel Bakugou’s unsteady breaths against his chest, and he could feel the tremors rushing through Bakugou’s body. He wasn’t sure what to say, but as the growing silence in the room began to suffocate him, he finally parted his lips.

“I feel like it could work,” Todoroki hesitantly whispered. “But…” He paused as his heart flailed in his chest. “Bakugou, I’m in a relationship with Iida. Please don’t tell anyone else about it. But either way, I think I’d want you to be able to love yourself first before you start a romantic relationship. A platonic friendship is another story, and I think that could honestly help a lot. I’m more worried about the imminent problems, and I’d like you to focus on yourself rather than someone else. And you’re not selfish for wanting to escape from so much pain that it’s pushed you to this point. That’s not selfish at all.” His fingers twitched.

Don’t start remembering. Forget.

Bakugou blinked slowly, but he did not stray from Todoroki’s arms. “Hah…” he chuckled half-heartedly. “Kinda expected something like that. Had no idea you were with Glasses, though.” He shook his head. “Ain’t this just awkward as hell now… And if yer wondering about the plans I had with Shitty Hair, he did what I wanted him to do: he found someone that’d actually make him happy and treat him well. I said I fell for you more just to get it off my chest, and less to actually start another relationship. Cuz yer right… No one deserves to be with a sack of shit like me. Doesn’t really hurt to get rejected when I would’ve rejected a relationship anyway if you’d reciprocated.” He pulled away from Todoroki.

Walking over to his bedside table, Todoroki plucked a tissue from the box sitting by his lamp and handed the delicate sheet of white to Bakugou. “I hope you’re not interpreting what I said in a negative way, though.” He watched Bakugou turn his head away and blow his nose. “I don’t mean that I’d never want to be with someone who has problems. Everyone has their own problems, and I just want you to be happy.” He nodded while Bakugou tossed the tissue into the bin beside Todoroki’s desk.

“Oi…” Bakugou rubbed his red, swollen eyes with his sleeves. “Thanks…” He didn’t deign to look Todoroki in the eye. “I’ve never been able to tell anyone. That’s not even half of it, but I’ve just kept it all inside for years. It’s hard letting yourself be vulnerable when all you know is to just suck it up and stop being a whiny bitch because you’re not allowed to have any troubles if you’re a real man. Hah. Shitty there’s so much shame in being human because of humans.” A somber smile materialized on his tear-stained countenance. “Guess we both know what it’s like to have controlling parents. You ever wanna talk about your situation, I’ll listen. Now I owe you extra. Fucking hell.

“God, I told myself I’d never let anyone know shit about me, but then you found out about my plans, and ever since… I dunno. It’s weird.” Bakugou scratched the back of his head. “It’s like, I’ve told myself more than usual not to say shit to you, but because you already knew so much, I guess it kinda felt like it didn’t matter. Even if it’s supposed to be good for me, I still hate myself for saying a thing. None of my shit was ever meant to be known. But here I am, still going off with my shit.” He shrugged, glancing up at the ceiling. “Look down on me all you want. I know. I’ve always known… I’m the weak one.”

Todoroki shook his head. “If anything, I look up to you.” Bakugou briefly flicked his eyes to Todoroki. “It takes a lot of willpower and strength to talk about things like this. As cruel as it is, it’s like trying to win a rigged war just to be human sometimes.”

“Ow,” Todoroki hissed after stubbing his toe on the door to the training room at his home.

Stop…

“Hah,” Bakugou’s watery, drowned voice replied. “Y…” His voice was swallowed up by the hands of Todoroki’s memories squeezing Todoroki’s brain.

“Absolutely not,” spat Endeavor. “You will not do that ever again, do you hear me? There is absolutely no reason for you to be so rude and disrespectful to overreact so angrily!”

“...itty, and…”

You always say ‘ow’ even stronger than me. And you always sound even angrier. I wasn’t angry. It just hurt…

“You’re grounded.”

Over feeling pain and having an immediate reaction I couldn’t control? Not to mention you set that example for me, and any time I did it in the past, you never had a problem with it…until you suddenly did. That’s always how it is.

“Ugh, it boils my blood. Y’know?” Todoroki nodded his head at Bakugou’s question. “Like…”

You teach me everything is acceptable and allow me to do it my entire life without consequence—or even by praising me for it and reinforcing the behaviors—just to backstab me for it one day and act like I’m stupid for thinking it was ever acceptable.

“...who demand respect who never respect any…”

You’re right. I guess I am just stupid for feeling pain and not knowing what I had no way of knowing. ‘I know you don’t say a lot, but you’re an excellent listener, Shouto. I’m proud of you for that.’ And once again…you backstabbed me for the very thing you praised me for and blamed me for it. Yeah, I guess I just should’ve known your praise was bullshit. How foolish that I believed even things you promised with such sincerity. Fuck. I haven’t been paying attention to Bakugou at all.

“Still, all that really matters is that you know, and what you know is too much. But I’m going back to my dorm. I’m…grateful for this, Todoroki. Later.” Bakugou briskly marched for the door.

I fucking hate myself…

“I’ll be waiting for you before class tomorrow,” Todoroki chimed in, observing as Bakugou halted his movements for a moment before closing the door behind him.

I’m sure it must kill him to know that I know something no one was supposed to know about him, Todoroki sighed to himself, sitting at his desk. How fucking selfish I am for letting my thoughts take my focus? Like Endeavor says, I have no excuse for holding onto the past. ‘Today is a new day, and all that stuff is in the past. Move on. Do you hear me? Move. On.’ He eyed the scissors sitting in his pencil holder. Is it so wrong if I… Reaching out to the dual blades of silver, Todoroki tore open the scissors and ran his finger over the upper blade. No. That wouldn’t be good, and I can’t leave scars. He reluctantly returned the scissors. My life also isn’t miserable. I’d just be insulting those who do it because their lives are unbearable.

After Bakugou received medical aid from Recovery Girl for his wounds, Todoroki sighed, “Is it okay if I ask why? It’s just hard to imagine being able to do something like that to yourself. But you don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to.” He nodded.

Bakugou offered Todoroki a side eye before closing his eyes and exhaling a hefty breath. “Just don’t ever do it. I don’t really wanna talk about it, but it’s a distraction—it’s all you focus on. All the other shit in your life temporarily gets muted. Yeah. Lotta damage for a little reprieve. Do your skin a favor and don’t. You saw the scars. Plus, even if it’s been years, they randomly itch like motherfuckers sometimes.”

I understand why that ‘little reprieve’ is so enticing, Todoroki realized, scrunching his eyes closed and drilling his hands into fists. Trying to stop thinking about everything is like trying to stop the water bursting from a broken pipe with my hands. But why? I should be able to just ‘move on’ and stop thinking about it. After all, I’m the only one capable of thinking about it. I just… 

Since you always tell me I hurt your feelings…

“You…hurt my feelings.”

“Really? Well, I’m glad I hurt your feelings.”

I was four. I… No. Stop. Stop fucking thinking about it. Stop… It’s only me who’s doing this to myself. ‘It is your choice to keep holding on, Shouto.’ It’s my own self, but I can’t even stop myself. Why? I know it’s my choice…

Todoroki slowly opened his eyes, and his eyes immediately locked onto his right wrist.

But I’m so selfish that it doesn’t feel like it’s my choice.

Taking a deep breath in, Todoroki crunched his right hand into a fist tight to the point of shaking and aching.

Anything to ‘move on’ and forget…

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

Fuck, it hurts. God, it hurts…

Todoroki grit his teeth, curling his arms and knees towards his chest as he clutched at his throbbing wrist. He felt like a pair of bellows was slowly being jammed into his veins by a hammer and nail, pumping cold yet burning pockets of pulsating air into his blood until his veins threatened to rupture. It was like something was alive inside of Todoroki’s swollen skin, lunging, writhing, and kicking in an attempt to chew its way out. Yet, Todoroki gulped down the words, gasps, huffs, and desperate vocalizations of pain clawing at his throat. All he could do was silently tell himself that the pain would go away in a few minutes.

Isn’t this what you wanted, Endeavor?

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

As the volcanic surges of pain gushing through Todoroki’s wrist began to subside into a constant ache like a needle in a vein, Todoroki pondered, Now what’s my excuse for this? ‘Todoroki-kun, your hand…’ ‘The hell is that?’ ‘Shouto, you’re hurt.’ It was to simulate getting grabbed from behind. Sure. He shook his head. I wonder what it’s like to be inebriated. But I hate the idea of drinking. After all…

Crash!

And now that the pain is in the background, I’m already back to getting caught in a web of memories. Todoroki gripped his desk with his left hand, pursing his lips as he raised his right hand and balled it into a fist. I just want to forget. I want to make it go away. I want to move on. If this is the only way… He gulped down a sharp eel of air, listening to the thunder in his chest before slamming his wrist down again. Why? His trembling arm hovered over the desk. And now I’m too much of a coward to do it again? I want the pain, but I’m afraid of the pain? Pathetic.

“Shouto, look me in the eyes. Don’t look away. I know the piano competition is scary, and if it’s too much for you, tell me, and you don’t have to do it or any other competitions. Am I clear? You don’t have to do this if it’s horrible, Shouto. I promise. Come here.” Endeavor firmly embraced his youngest son.

Lowering his forehead to his desk, Todoroki dug his nails into his thighs. I did it. I got through it, even though I wanted out. I hated it. The attention, the silence, the applause, the stakes, the people… He brought his hands to his ears. I messed up at the beginning. I’ll never forget that. I’ll never forget how I nearly broke down in the middle of it and started panicking because my tears blurred the notes. I’ll never forget how ashamed, terrified, and embarrassed I was from being on the verge of actually crying on stage in front of everyone and Endeavor. I’ll never forget how I sobbed in the bathroom and pretended like I hadn’t just bawled my eyes out afterwards.

“I don’t want to go to more competitions…”

“But you did wonderfully, Shouto.”

Just because I’m good at something doesn’t mean I like it.

“I hated it… I don’t want more.”

“‘Hate’ is a strong word. They’re good for you. You’ll get over it and get used to it. It’ll take time.”

You said I don’t have to do more. You promised…

“But—”

“I want you to keep doing them.”

You’re trying to talk me into doing it once I take you up on your word to not do it? Why did you tell me that just to not mean any of it? I can’t even think about it without feeling like I’ll break.

“You… You said I don’t have to do more…”

“Well, I changed my mind. This is for your own good.”

And that wasn’t even the only time you did something like that to me. Far from it.

“But—”

“No. You’re competing in more competitions. It’s not that bad, Shouto. Not every kid gets these opportunities.”

You don’t understand… You don’t know how I felt. You know it was horrible because I wanted out of it, but you don’t care. The way I feel never matters to you…even when you promise me it does.

“I—”

“We’re done talking about this. You’ll be grateful for this later.”

Tell that to how I broke down before and after every single competition after that, Todoroki internally hissed. How it only destroyed our relationship more. How I started peeling my skin. How I slept just to not have to relive those competitions. How I tried to find any opportunity I could to kill myself. He pressed his right fist into the burn on his stomach, reeling at the immediate burn. What a stupid thing to want to die over.

Right, Endeavor?

But you’ll never know it was bad to the point where I wanted to die. You still think I was exaggerating. Even if I wanted to tell you how it hurts, I just can’t say a thing. You’ll never know how bad it was, but I just have to let you believe it wasn’t anything, you knew how I felt, and I’ve always been perfectly fine. I just have to play dumb and let you stroke your ego, no matter how much it hurts, how wrong you are, or how much you’ve twisted my words. Telling the truth is worse than holding my tongue. Where I looked to you for help, you only hurt me instead.

“Your family is all you have, Shouto. You need to respect me.”

If family is all I have…why is my family my greatest reason to die?

“Selfish, spoiled brat.”

Right… I’m making a big deal out of nothing. It’s not true. They have nothing to do with it. I’m just selfish and stupid. I’m just blaming everyone else for my problems. Right. You never did anything wrong. It’s all my fault. Well, not that I have any other choice but to convert the truth into a lie and go along with it. You’ll never acknowledge it as the truth, so, therefore, it isn’t. It’s not in my place to argue. Whatever you want.

After all, animals are too stupid to understand what humans are saying, so I must be an arrogant, self-conceited, self-centered fool that’s misunderstanding you who is all-knowing, Endeavor.

Later that evening, Todoroki accompanied Iida to a nearby bakery. Todoroki couldn’t deny that his sweet, moist lemon bread with a sticky yellow frosting tasted sublime, but after eating three bites of the palm-sized loaf of bread, he set his plastic fork down. He could picture the fattening mush from the dessert clogging up his stomach in the shape of countless numbers. He’d seen the caloric content for the lemon bread, and the more he brooded over it, the more bitter the saccharine, lemony aftertaste of the dessert became.

All the sugar, fat, and carbs… Todoroki internally shuddered as Iida finished off his raspberry scone. I feel sick just seeing him eat all that. But he looks good. Why? Why don’t I? He swallowed thickly, inquiring as to whether or not Iida enjoyed the scone. I hate this. He smiled when Iida nodded. How can everyone else eat all these fattening things and look so good? He ripped off a small piece of skin from his right thumb; he’d kept his right hand under the table and at his side while in Iida’s presence. 

But even when I hardly eat anything, I’m still too fat? It’s not fair. But obviously, I did something befitting of this punishment. Todoroki inhaled deeply when Iida brushed his hands off on the sides of his pants. You aren’t going to wash your hands after that? Why? They’re not clean. You can’t just wipe them off and call that ‘clean.’ I know they’re still sticky. I know it’s under your nails. I know it’ll smear sugar and grease over your phone if you touch it. I hate this. Don’t touch me.

Iida didn’t raise any questions regarding how much Todoroki had eaten. Todoroki never ate many sweets, and he typically nibbled away at desserts rather than eating any in large portions at a time.

After returning to his dorm, Todoroki once again attempted to bash his wrist into his desk, but his body denied his endeavor. It shouldn’t matter, so why am I so caught up in it? Why? Why won’t it go away? He forced his fist into his stomach again, pushing deeper and deeper into the searing pain that caused his lips to tear back and his eyes to scrunch shut. Ow, ow, ow, ow. Fuck. Whatever it takes. Whatever it fucking takes…

Then, Todoroki rammed his fist into his stomach, grimacing and hissing at the pain in his stomach and wrist. He mercilessly punched himself in the gut at the heart of his burn again and again and again until one wrathful punch forced a shower of stomach acid and brownish-yellow mush to splatter onto the floor. Coughing, huffing, and wobbling, Todoroki grit his teeth and raked his nails across his burn wound; shallow rivulets of blood leaked from the first inch or so of the ravines of torn flesh.

Shit. That’s not good. I can’t ever fucking make good decisions. Now I have to clean this up, find another excuse, and it just hurts. At least all this is out of me, even though it’s not what I meant to do…

The next day, however, Todoroki realized that all he’d recently eaten was a few bites of lemon bread from the day prior. Despite that, Todoroki repeated to himself that everything would be fine. Although his stomach ached and grumbled, his body was shaky and weak, and his head throbbed with a foggy lightheadedness, he pressed on to his midterm mock battle.

The objective for the battle was to take turns in the position of a hostage bound at the hands and feet by chains with the opportunity to utilize their Quirk to retrieve a key from an opposing staff member, the position of someone attempting to halt the advances of the opposing team through direct confrontation and battle, or the position of a rescuer tasked with locating and retrieving the hostage in enemy territory. Class 2-A was divided into four teams of five, and Todoroki found himself paired with Sero, Satou, Bakugou, and Aoyama. His rival team was composed of Iida, Kaminari, Jirou, Midoriya, and Asui.

Todoroki could foretell that Bakugou would excel as someone on the front lines, but much to his astonishment, Bakugou was the hostage for the first of two matches. Todoroki and Aoyama were assigned as the rescuers, and Sero and Satou were assigned to the front lines. As for the opposing team, Kaminari was the hostage, Iida and Midoriya were the rescuers, and Jirou and Asui were assigned to the front lines.

Once the first match began, Todoroki could remember weaving through a forest terrain for a few minutes before encountering a long, pink thread that abruptly cut through his vision. Stumbling back, Todoroki engulfed his body in a burst of orange fire, surveying his surroundings for the disappearance of the pink, wriggling creature.

I couldn’t see what it was, Todoroki berated himself as the ground began to vibrate in intense, consistent waves. That must be Jirou. I can’t use my ice to stabilize me here, or it’ll just be a detriment trying to escape that thing. I’m already tired. There. He narrowly evaded the swing of something long, thin, and wet. It’s Asui. It disappeared. Dammit. But it came from that direction. No. I’m sure she’s moved by now. She’s likely closing in on me and circling around me from the trees. There’s a swamp nearby. She could be trying to lead me there and fight me in close quarters. If so… Another flash of pink darted for Todoroki, causing him to leap back in the direction of the swamp. Seems like it.

The tremors shaking the earth slowly fizzled out, leaving Todoroki to dodge the swift jabs of the tongue that flew at him from every direction but below. He could see and hear the faint rustle of the trees as Asui’s camouflaged body leapt from tree to tree. Then, as the swamp came into view, he felt a vibration at his hip.

Todoroki read his text message from Endeavor: ‘Be in the training room in fifteen minutes.’

Bakugou? Todoroki pondered, noting where the rustling in the trees ceased. Did he beat Present Mic? It’s his location. He’s not too far. Asui’s pulling me away from him. But if I pretend to drop my guard like this, she’ll eventually—

Todoroki felt his ankles smash together as a pink serpent coiled around them, knocking him to the dirt-covered ground. His body was jerked towards the swamp, grinding his chest and limbs against the ground as Asui’s tongue climbed further up his legs until his lower half was completely coiled up in her tongue. He let out a guttural hiss of pain when the formidable tongue crushing his body slapped over the burn and the bloody flesh on his stomach.

I’ll be five to eight minutes early just to be safe.

Then, as his body was yanked into the air above the swamp, Todoroki sent a breakneck flurry of ice across the entirety of Asui’s tongue. Suspended in the air by Asui and his own ice, Todoroki only augmented the sheer coldness of those sky-blue fractals. The swamp promptly began to freeze over; ice crystals ate away the mud from around Asui in a ring until the entirety of the swamp was encased in ice.

Todoroki checked his phone for the time, but the moment his eyes read his unread text message, his heart was clamped into dust.

Panting furiously, Todoroki squirmed free from Asui’s frozen tongue, utilizing his Quirk to descend on a ramp of ice that shattered behind him as he slid down. Gathering his breath on the ground, Todoroki continued lowering the temperature of his ice around Asui before picking up his phone from the ground with his left hand. When he tapped on the screen, he blinked heavily, but the blurriness of the screen remained.

My job isn’t to finish her off, Todoroki reminded himself while breaking into a fast jog and wincing each time his damaged right ankle bashed against the ground. Fuck, it hurts… Not to mention my wrist still hurts just to move it. Bakugou hasn’t moved. Where’s Midoriya? He staggered and collapsed to the ground when another series of tremors pulsed through the ground. Ouch. Jirou can definitely free Asui if she gets close enough. But I have to find Bakugou. He grimaced as he forced himself up to his feet. It’s so blurry. Fuck. I feel so faint. I can’t let my team down. Get over it.

‘Training room in two minutes before I take everything from you.’

While trudging past the forest and into an open field, Todoroki glanced around. I don’t have time to be distracted by the past. He paused for a moment to catch his breath.

Checking the time on his phone again, Todoroki thought, It hasn’t even been ten minutes since you told me ‘fifteen minutes.’ He slid open the door to the training room to see a tall, broad-chested figure crossing its arms with a deep, rancorous scowl. I’m still early, though…

From the corner of his eye, Todoroki caught a white streak of movement.

“So, you think it’s okay to disrespect your own father like this?!”

Todoroki ducked, swerving to the side, but he grit his teeth when something hard slammed into his arm. Sent tumbling across the ground, Todoroki picked himself back up to see Iida charging at him like an irate bull.

I can’t dodge, Todoroki realized, instinctively forming a barrier of ice between him and his assailant.

Thwack!

CRACK!

Kicked into the air with shards and chunks of zircon ice, Todoroki felt as though the kick to his stomach had scrambled his guts like eggs in a blender. His back collided with the grass in the open field, strangling his lungs in a white, bitter barrage of breathlessness. He gasped for air with wide eyes, trembling as coughs began to break through his rapid gasps. His head pulsated with cold heartbeats of pain, and the old, recent, and fresh wounds on his stomach shrieked with an inferno of flames.

You would’ve taken everything from me if I didn’t get here five minutes earlier than you said? Stop yelling… I didn’t see it immediately. My phone didn’t go off… What if I didn’t have my phone?

Despite how his senses disparaged and churned at his next action, Todoroki clawed his fingers into the dirt beneath the grass and dragged himself up. He could see two Iidas swaying towards him, and thus, Todoroki cocooned himself into a barrier of ice. He thickened the ice enough so that its cloudiness obscured even the light that could no longer penetrate through completely. He listened to the thunder of footsteps against the ground while continuing to expeditiously chill the air within his shell of ice.

Once there’s a split second more silence, I’ll know he’s leapt, Todoroki thought as ice crystals began to devour his skin. Then… His heart’s ticking was eviscerated when an especially forceful push shook the ground, and an additional fraction of a second of silence accompanied it. Now! Unleashing a tsunami of fire from within his subzero cocoon, Todoroki felt as though the earth had split.

BOOM!

An explosion of fire and ice ejected azure fangs into the air that sliced branches and leaves from trees. Todoroki had grounded himself within his cocoon to the grass and dirt beneath him with a thick layer of ice strapping his body to the earth. Iida, on the other hand, hurtled into a tree, and with a loud smack, his spine crunched into the trunk.

I can’t keep going like this, Todoroki realized as his body was enveloped by a constricting, acidic sensation. Shit. Vomiting up a mix of stomach acid and water, he thawed out his feet and hobbled up to Iida. I can’t see. It’s almost all white. My ears are ringing. I can’t stay standing. He wrapped his hands around Iida’s neck and slowly began to encompass Iida’s body with a layer of glistening ice. I’m sorry, Tenya. My wrist is on fire. Everything hurts. I have to do this. Get over it. Get over it, Shouto. Todoroki could no longer see any of Iida’s body, save for Iida’s face, and thus, he slowly limped in Bakugou’s direction. I’m so faint. I can’t…

“Stop pretending.”

Todoroki’s knees buckled, and as he crumpled to the ground beside the living ice sculpture of his significant other, his world was dyed in black.

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

Light. Sunlight. White sunlight reflecting off of snow. Cold hand sanitizer. Rubber. Tidal waves in the eyes. Needles lancing through nerves. Teeth scraping the skull. One dry river, two dry rivers. Pixelated sea of light.

Where? was Todoroki’s first question when he blinked open his eyes to a white room with white overhead lights. The infirmary? What happened? Oh. Tenya. I passed out? No… I barely did anything. Get up. He sat upright, but his movements were stifled when a throbbing pang of pain jolted through his core.

“Oh, T-Todoroki-kun, you shouldn’t be moving just yet.” Midoriya waved his hands back and forth beside Todoroki. “Do you feel okay?” Solace laced his soft voice.

Todoroki nodded. “Is the battle still…” His words dried up in his throat when Midoriya shook his head.

“It’s almost midnight,” Midoriya replied, directing his forest-green eyes to his phone. “Your team won, by the way. Um. But it’s really unlike you to go down so quickly. Are you okay?” He pressed his thumbs together, lowering his brows.

So, in the end, my teammates never needed me… I was just deadweight, as always. Why? Why? Don’t. Don’t start remembering. You already know where that got you.

CRACK!

One memory cost me an entire battle… 

“Yeah,” Todoroki sighed, plastering on a slim smile. “Just disappointed I couldn’t do more. I guess I used up too much energy too quickly.” He stared at his right wrist; the red and purple splotches had vanished along with the pain. “I was looking forward to going all out against you with everything I've learned and accepted these past two years.”

Smiling, Midoriya tucked his phone into his pocket. “I still get chills every time I see you unleash so much firepower. Literally.” His smile faded into a gray line. “But…is everything okay with Endeavor?”

Don’t.

“Get off your ass and exercise.”

Stop.

You say that while drinking beer and watching TV on the couch.

Hypocrite. Todoroki nodded, twisting off a flap of flesh from his left pinky finger. You drink even more now too. He patted his pocket for his phone.

Tenya
Shouto, please text me when you wake up, and I’ll be at your side as soon as possible.

Bakugou
Text me when you see this so I know your ass didn’t die on me.

Yaoyorozu
I hope you’re doing all right after that fight. Don’t push yourself, and rest well

Why do I just feel emptier after reading those? cogitated Todoroki. I don’t know how to respond. If I just say ‘thank you,’ that’s disrespectful. If I wait too long, if I send the message at night, if I send the message too early in the morning…that’s disrespectful.

“You ignored your sister’s text, Shouto? Unacceptable. Give me your phone.”

I genuinely forgot… I was going to reply, but I got busy with school, and I hardly text anyone anyway…

“See this, Shouto?” Endeavor held up the blanket Rei handmade for Todoroki with his first name stitched into it.

No… No. Please don’t. No. No… 

All Todoroki could do was stare at the plume of orange and yellow engulfing his favorite blanket.

“This is what happens when you disrespect your family. Now apologize.”

You never pick up your phone, but whenever someone brings that up… ‘Get over it.’ ‘I missed one call. What about it? I have my own fucking life. The world doesn’t revolve around you.’ ‘I was busy.’ You never apologize. It’s fine when you do it all the time, but when any of us do it even just once…

Midoriya shifted in his seat beside Todoroki as the silence thickened like coagulating blood. “Endeavor stopped by just a bit before I got here, and, well, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but…” His brows sank further. “He called you useless and pathetic, he said he raised you better than this, and he said you’ve thrown all his hard work away. It really doesn’t sound like everything is okay.”

‘Treat others how you want to be treated.’ Right… I guess you want to be treated like shit, but you demand the utmost respect. What was Bakugou saying about respect?

Todoroki felt his stomach tighten. “He’s somewhat like Bakugou when he talks about me—he doesn’t mean the cruel things he says,” he assured Midoriya. “Sorry if that worried you. I guess it would sound concerning to anyone who isn’t aware.” He began to text Iida.

Even if it’s not true, it has to be true, so I’ll make it true. Burn your ego, Shouto. Don’t be self-conceited. It has to be true. He’s only human. He’s just going through a difficult time. He’s doing it for you, you selfish, spoiled lapdog. 

Shouto
I’m awake, and I’m okay

Tenya
I’ll be over at once.

“Well, if anything happens, just know I’m always happy to hear you out, okay?” Midoriya wore a desolate smile.

“If something happened, would you tell me, Shouto?”

Shut up. Stop invading my head. I hate that this can go on for hours. How much of my life have I been wasting by dwelling over the past? 

“Thank you, Midoriya.” Todoroki watched Midoriya wave and take his leave.

No. “Yes.”

“Good. I care about you, and you can tell me anything. You know that, right?” Todoroki nodded as he was pulled into his father’s arms. “I love you.”

Then why…

“I don’t understand how you got that answer…”

How am I supposed to do this entire worksheet if I don’t know how to do any of the problems?

“Figure it out.”

Todoroki ripped off a chunk of skin from his left thumb, wincing as a river of blood immediately oozed down his flesh.

Todoroki could remember crying at his desk over the math worksheet Endeavor assigned to him while Endeavor sat beside him with a salad. Even as Todoroki’s sniffling gradually intensified into light sobs, Endeavor continued to scroll through social media posts on his phone while munching away at his salad. Roughly fifteen minutes later, Endeavor let out a vexed groan and slammed the door behind him with his belongings in hand. All Todoroki could do was continue to cry by himself, drowning his desk in a lake of his tears.

You even had the audacity to eat and entertain yourself while your son cried his eyes out because of you. No. Stop trying to paint yourself as someone worthy of respect. Don’t be self-conceited. It was all for me… He was just teaching me a lesson and giving me tough love. Just like a dog. A puppy will cry itself to sleep in its cage at night, digging at the bars and squealing to be saved, but it’s just tough love so it learns to sleep comfortably by itself. The humans will watch and listen, but they don’t do anything, and ultimately, they get tired of the whining and just drown it out.

An hour later, Endeavor returned to Todoroki’s room. “You’re still crying over this?” muttered Endeavor, who eyed the wet, shriveled corner of Todoroki’s worksheet. “Absolutely not okay, Shouto.” He ripped the paper off the glimmering desk and slapped Todoroki’s red cheek. “You do not cry all over your homework!”

“What’s going on?” asked Fuyumi, who stepped into Todoroki’s room.

He wouldn’t help me, he got fed up with me for crying because he wouldn't help, and then he got angry that some of my tears got on the paper… It’s not fair…

Who wouldn’t get annoyed at a crying animal? I should’ve been able to figure it out. I should’ve been sensible enough to move the paper so it wouldn't get wet. It was completely fair. It’s just like me: too stupid to see the obvious.

Endeavor scoffed, “He cried all over his homework. It’s unacceptable.”

I cried useless tears and wept over nothing, acting like I was miserable when I knew nothing of misery. Todoroki felt the heavy sea of silence grow with only his thoughts to accompany him. I thought so highly of myself that I called that ‘misery’ and wallowed away in it. Even now, I have no right to say anything is miserable—I don’t know anything about it. You’re right. My tears are worthless and unacceptable. There’s nothing worth crying over. I was weak then, but I haven’t cried in forever. I’m stronger now.

So…why can’t I control these memories?

Then, after absentmindedly staring at the white sheets of the infirmary bed, Todoroki’s attention was snapped to the door being yanked open. Panting and hunched over, Iida promptly teetered up to Todoroki.

“Shouto…” huffed Iida, who was in his pajamas and slippers. “Are you okay? I know you said you are, but…” He readjusted his crooked nightcap.

Todoroki’s lips wriggled into a smile. “Tenya, I’m fine. It’s sweet you’re this worried, but I don’t want you to lose sleep over me.” He grasped Iida’s large hand.

Abruptly, a revelation pierced Todoroki’s psyche: Why was Midoriya the one who waited for me all this time…and not my boyfriend? No. Don’t be self-centered.

Iida hung his head. “I couldn’t help but worry.” He inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. “You quite literally blew me away with your surprise attack. When I came to, I certainly wasn’t expecting to be frozen against a tree. Midoriya helped me break out, but by then, Aoyama had already secured Bakugou. It was a swift defeat…” He lifted his head and gazed into Todoroki’s eyes. “Your eyes are stunning, as always.”

I hate my eyes, Todoroki thought, glancing away from Iida. It’s just a perpetual reminder of why I was brought into this world and what my purpose is. Besides, they’re ugly. You must be lying to make me feel better about myself. I don’t think anyone could like my disgusting body. The image of his reflection bubbled up from his mind. I feel sick just thinking about how much I’ve overeaten before.

“You’re too sweet, Tenya…” Todoroki whispered, feigning a smile. “My last attack was a final gambit. I just got lucky. But really, I don’t want to keep you up any longer. We still have one more day of midterms.”

No more.

“You can’t possibly be burnt out.”

Focus on Tenya. Don’t be bitter. Don’t be narcissistic. Don’t exaggerate how ‘bad’ it was. Todoroki noticed Iida reluctantly nod his head. You’re the one choosing to get dragged around by the past at every waking moment.

“...right,” Iida said.

It’s like my memories are a bag of expired snacks I just can’t stop eating.

“...tact me if you feel…”

All day every day…all I do with my life is bloat myself with those fattening calories. Todoroki felt something warm press against his lips. I want to vomit it all.

“I love you. Sleep well, Shouto.”

Just how much do I love myself to prioritize my thoughts over my boyfriend? And you think I’m depressed?

“I love you too. Sleep well, Tenya.”

I wish I wasn’t gay. What’s wrong with me? Am I just so fucking narcissistic that it’s even tainted who I’m attracted to? I’m fucking disgusting. I call Endeavor an egotistical hypocrite…but really, that’s what I am. If I could just kill off my selfish, foolish desires, I could smile at the ashes of my ego. But I can’t. All along, I’ve really just been a narcissist rotten to the core where I blamed everyone else and saw no wrong and no hypocrisy in what I did? I hate myself… But I guess there’s a reason why love and hate aren’t too far apart, huh?

Before Todoroki knew it, morning had arrived, and his last day of midterms began. His classmates swarmed him once he dragged himself into class on an empty stomach. He’d assured his peers that he was fine, but the feeling he had no name for continued to digest him from the inside. Aizawa had also mentioned Todoroki’s lackluster performance and weight loss to Todoroki in private.

By the time the last day of hell came to an end, Todoroki wanted nothing more than to sleep. I feel so heavy, he internally maundered while flopping into his futon. I feel like I don’t feel anything. Like I just feel empty. Like nothing matters, and I don’t care what happens. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t get any enjoyment out of anything. I don’t see a point in doing anything. I don’t want to get up. Why bother? School. Grades. Don’t make anyone worry. He formed a microscopic smile. So no one thinks something’s wrong. So I don’t draw attention to myself like an ‘attention whore.’ But I guess I want to see my goals through since I’ve worked so hard to get this far.

Do you really?

Todoroki closed his eyes. Do I really want to live? He shook his head. That’s a stupid question. Of course I do.

But I don’t really think I do.

It doesn’t matter. Just smile when appropriate and say what they want to hear. Just be obedient and do as you're told. Just say it’s fine and that you’re happy until it’s the truth. Even though it is the truth.

Is it?

It is. How could I not be? I’m just drained from midterms. It’s nothing more than that. Just like losing a little more weight. I’m just trying to be comfortable with myself. That’s a good thing, right?

“Now say you’re sorry and that you were wrong.”

After a few minutes, Todoroki was proven to be objectively correct by Fuyumi and Natsuo.

But you won’t apologize or admit that you were wrong. If I tried to call out your bullshit, you’d do something I’d regret. I hate how egotistical you are.

Whatever, Todoroki sighed to himself. It doesn’t matter. None of it does. I can’t change the past. There’s no use dwelling over it. Move on. Get over it. You hate in others what you hate about yourself. Stop projecting. Don’t try to frame yourself as superior to him. You let your ego show, so he showed you humility. Be grateful. Find no satisfaction in being right. Feel no urge to prove you’re right. Feel no shame in admitting when you’re not right.

The next day, Todoroki did not leave his dorm. There was no school for the remainder of the week, and for the first day of that extended weekend, Todoroki spent the bulk of his day sleeping or attempting to sleep. He’d neglected picking up his phone, despite the barrage of vibrations that urged him to bring the screen to his face. He couldn’t quite recall his thoughts, but he described them as brief, nonsensical words or images staining his head.

Once the dawn bled into the gray afternoon of the next day, Todoroki finally broke through the invisible hands chaining his body down. He slowly reached for his phone, squinting at the light pouring from the screen.

Tenya
Shouto, I’m going to your dorm if you don’t answer within the next few hours.

Leave me alone, Todoroki internally muttered. I didn’t mean to worry you. Why are you even worried? I’m so fucking tired. He’ll probably be here soon. Get up. Come on. Get up. Why is this so difficult? Just lifting my body… It’s pathetic. After another twenty minutes of lying in his futon, Todoroki managed to push himself upright and bite down on the ringing flood of lightheadedness commanding him to drop to his knees. 

I don’t want to get ready. It’s so much work. And for what? Get over it. It’s not a big deal. Stop acting like such paltry things are miserable. You’re just mocking those who are truly depressed. Like Endeavor… He brushed his teeth and washed his face, stepping onto the scale immediately afterwards. One hundred and thirty-eight…and a half. I want to get to one hundred and thirty. Surely, I’ll look better by then. Disgusting. How prideful was I to have liked how I looked before? I feel sick just thinking about how I thought about myself.

Then, while reviling his reflection, Todoroki thought, Selfish when I try, selfish when I don’t. Selfish no matter what. Stop making everything about you. Burn it all and be content living to please everyone else. He suddenly remembered how his body forcibly expelled everything in his stomach during his fight against Iida, and how the same result ensued after ramming his fist into his stomach. Throwing up before I can digest all the fat… If I did that, would it finally be enough for you?

Chapter Text

Katsuki Bakugou

Gray carpeting, white walls, a blue sofa, and a large window overlooking the vertical ants shuffling along the slate-gray street. Bakugou couldn’t recall many other details from his therapist’s office. Even the appearance of his therapist, Suremi, had been watered down to “a woman with short black hair and glasses.”

“So, your parents forced you into therapy?” asked Suremi.

Bakugou nodded. “I’m not gonna sugarcoat it: I don’t want to be here at all, and I don’t plan on doing shit here.”

“How come?”

“I have more important shit to do. As long as they’re forcing me to do this against my will, I’m not gonna cooperate. I’m doing fine anyway. They’re creating a problem where there was none.”

“Have you thought about how concerned they are for you?”

“Concerned? They’re the reason for most of this shit. They’re too blind to see it.”

“Try thinking about things from their perspective. I know they’re deeply concerned about you, Bakugou. It’s difficult on them as well. Imagine trying to do what’s best for your child, but your child isn’t happy about it and won’t cooperate. You would feel awful, wouldn’t you?”

Shut up… 

“Guess so. But they’re the reason why I’m here at all, in just about any sense.”

“And you’re sitting in front of me now because they love you. Imagine how stressful it is for them, knowing their only son is struggling. They’re only human. Sometimes they won’t say the best things, but in the end, they still love you, and that’s something to be grateful for.”

Shut up.

“If they love me, how come they kick me when I’m down and shame me when I get up?”

“Because your general behavior is like this, I don’t think they noticed what they were doing. They had their own struggles as well. This isn’t something anger will fix. They had a reason for doing what they did, so I wouldn’t get too hung up over it.”

Shut the fuck up! You don’t know anything about any of us! I’m the one you should be concerned about, and yet you’re just like her—you’re more concerned about everyone but the person right in front of you who is clearly not doing fine! Not only that, but you’re basically also telling me this is my fault, and I should feel sorry for the shitheads who drove me to this shitty point in my life! Not even bothering to hear jack shit about me before jumping to the conclusion that, just because my parents put me in therapy, they give a shit about me. I want to die. I want to fucking die. Even more than before I was forced into this bullshit, I want to fucking die…

Prying open his boulder eyelids, Bakugou rubbed his eyes. Even when I escape from that hell, I’m still chained right to it, he grumbled to himself, sitting upright in his bed. My head is so foggy. I feel like shit. Midterms are over, and I’m not even relieved. Why’d I have to be so stupid and call him? His fingers crushed the soft corner of his pillowcase. Putting all that shit on his shoulders, breaking down in front of him, crying, confessing… And now having to go back to that hellhole. Saiji’s probably gonna be the same as Suremi, and it’ll be the same story all over again. God… 

“Your parents didn’t know everything about you, Bakugou,” said Suremi. “Your resentment seems to be contributing a lot to your current state, so I think it would be beneficial for you to learn to forgive them. You’re resenting them for things they weren’t aware of. You say what they’ve done isn’t fair, but neither is blaming them for things they shouldn't be blamed for.”

No, they didn’t know everything, but once again, you aren’t listening to a goddamn thing I say, and you only care about how my parents felt. Even if they didn’t know everything about me, they had no fucking excuse to knowingly watch me destroy myself because of them and not do anything about it until it started affecting them. And what’d they even do? Berate me for not being myself. No concern for the fact that I wasn’t myself. They knew I wasn’t myself, and they knowingly rubbed salt in the wound instead of ever stopping to wonder why or hear me out. 

I told you that. I told you, and you just keep trying to shove it down my throat that what they did was acceptable because they just ‘didn’t know,’ and I need to stop being so ‘bitter’ about it and just learn to forgive them. At this point, it doesn’t even hurt anymore to get told that the people who hurt me were justified when that’s the exact thing I was supposed to heal from. Instead, it’s just getting reaffirmed all over again, and this time, by a ‘professional.’ What do I know? Guess I am just stupid not to believe what this ‘professional’ tells me. My shit’s insignificant in the grand scheme of things anyway. That’s always how it’s been, huh?

Batting around his bed for his phone, Bakugou promptly sent a text message to Todoroki:

Bakugou
What’s up?

Once I start remembering, it just doesn’t fucking stop, Bakugou inwardly hissed. Todoroki’s like the only good thing in my life right now, and I had the audacity to do all that shit to him. He says he’s fine and happy, but I get the feeling he’s full of shit. His smiles are just sad most of the time, he didn’t reply to me yesterday, he hasn’t texted to check in with me today like he usually does, he’s getting thinner by the day, he picks at his fingers more, and just… No way it’s just a coincidence he suddenly asked me if his body looked fine, and now he’s all set on this ‘diet’ and excessive exercise.

If you ask me, that just kind of sounds like a general description for an eating disorder. Bakugou mentally noted that he had roughly forty minutes before his therapy session. But Todoroki? An eating disorder? Worrying about his body? Just doesn’t seem like him. He’s never given two shits from what I’ve seen. And like, why? If it were a disorder, why? The fuck could’ve caused that? The expectation is for men to be muscular, and he’s going in the opposite direction of that. I don’t get it. Maybe it’s linked to some other problem. He felt his phone vibrate.

Todoroki
Sorry I missed your text and didn’t check in. I spent the day with my sister and got so tired out that I took a nap for 11 hours. But yes, I’m doing fine. Thank you for asking. How are you?

Dunno if I believe that.

Bakugou
Damn, 11 hours? I started to wonder if something happened. I’m doing fine. Probably gonna hit the gym or something soon. You?

Todoroki
I’m about to go on a date with Iida in celebration of midterms being over. Was there anything you wanted to talk about?

Bakugou
Then get going on your date. It was just unusual for you not to reply, so no, not really.

Todoroki
Thanks. You should also do something to celebrate getting through midterms, even if it’s small

An empty smirk tore through Bakugou’s lips. “Celebrate? Celebrate what?” he chaffed, inhaling deeply and sliding his phone back into his pocket. “How shit I did? The shit I put you through? The asshole I was to everyone? Like hell I deserve that.”

“Katsuki, your entire room reeks of weed!” Mitsuki hissed. “I can smell it from the living room! Give me all your devices, and don’t you even think about leaving the house for the rest of your break. There is no reason for you to be poisoning your body, Katsuki. And if anyone else finds out, your dad and I will be the ones held responsible. You’re getting a therapist. Period. You are not using drugs, and the next time I catch you using them, I’m taking everything from you. Do you hear me? Everything. I will not tolerate this, Katsuki.”

And you don’t even care about why I’m ‘poisoning’ myself. You’d rather kick me when I’m down and take everything I have than show a shred of concern. You let me get to this point. It’s because of you that I’m like this. You’re supposed to be there for me and help me when I’m hurt—which I clearly am if I’m ‘poisoning’ myself—and all you’re doing is taking away what few sources of joy I have in this shitty world. I hate you. I hate you…

“So you’re taking away everything that’d keep me from doing it? Wow. And you were a psych major? My ass. You make me do summer school when I already get the grades you never did on my own, but you’re the one who needs to go back to school, cuz clearly, you didn’t learn shit, and no one in their right mind would say you deserve that fucking degree. Go back to the street dealer you got it from.”

Bakugou felt something crush his wrist with enough strength to cut off his blood flow.

“Out of my house.”

“And once again, you’re a hypocrite. Hah. Whatever.”

Better than being trapped in a box with you for the next two weeks. Guess I’ll go poison myself more. Great parenting, ‘Mom.’ I don’t fucking care that wow, you make dinner most days of the week. Not a fucking excuse for the shit you’ve done to me. ‘I make you food, so you don’t have the right to be mad about anything I do’ is what this is. Fuck off. You know I’m at my lowest, and what do you do?! What are you concerned about?! Doesn’t take a goddamn psychology major to realize that, y’know, doing something as fucking simple as showing concern goes a long fucking way! But no! You can’t even be a parent and care about me…

If this was how things were gonna be, why’d you give birth to me?

The next thing Bakugou could remember was staring down at a line of scarlet. Like a strand of red lights hugging a Christmas tree, that scarlet line adorned his left upper thigh. Yet, that line was also like morning dew on a spider web; glimmering beads of crimson gradually consumed each other, soon forming a red river. One strand of lights became two, and two rivers became one. One river of pulsating adrenaline became a raindrop of countless memories in a spring storm.

And I’m so pathetic that I did this again when you don’t want me to do this to myself, Bakugou lambasted himself. What’s a few drops of water when I’ve got an entire ocean to lose, and it feels like I’d lose a stream if I didn’t lose a few drops first? ‘It’s terrible for you.’ ‘It’s dangerous.’ ‘It can easily spiral into a web you can’t seem to escape from.’ I know… I know that… He washed his hands at the sink in his bathroom. Ironic how the thing supposed to help me has only caused me problems and cost my parents money. But when I think about it, my parents still aren’t even that bad. They aren’t even abusive, and thank fuck they aren’t. Despite that, I’m still like this, and I’m still standing here. It’s just pathetic. Maybe Suremi was right.

Flopping back onto his bed, Bakugou huffed out a protracted groan. If I just killed myself, I wouldn’t even have to think about this shit. I can’t do that, though. His heartbeat began to resonate in his ears. Is it even that I like him, or am I just bitter about Shitty Hair? Still haven’t given that damn hoodie back. But no matter my feelings for him, I’m just repeating history if I don’t somehow get out of this addiction hellhole. You were the last person I ever thought would backstab me and leave me for it. He grit his teeth, clutching at his chest as he recalled his memories of Kirishima. You’d think it’d make me get my head on straight and open my eyes, but instead, I spiraled even further into it. Everything got worse.

The one person I trusted turned his back on me and left me when I was already at such a low point. There was nothing. I didn’t have anything anymore but all my rage, sorrow, and pain. Family fucked me up too, and there was nowhere to run and no one to turn to. The ‘safe spaces’ I was supposed to be able to rely on and feel safe in backstabbed me, and the person whose one job was to help me also made things worse for me and retraumatized me instead. All that because I did drugs? Bakugou’s hand faltered to his side as he closed his eyes. But then…that motherfucker changed everything. I told myself not to believe it, and that I’d just get my ass left behind again, but every time, he just… Why won’t he leave me?

This arcade thing is just a one-time guilt gift. He’s just tolerating me. He just doesn’t wanna feel guilty, so he’s doing this for me for himself. Just tantalizing me with the promise of multiple visits to make up excuses ‘til the end of time after this.

Once Bakugou and Todoroki finished up at the arcade, Todoroki said, “That was fun. When do you want to go again?”

What? No way. Just wait. We’ll plan a date, and he’ll make up an excuse once it nears. Just like…

“Uh. I dunno.”

“How about next weekend?”

So, once the anticipated day arrived, Bakugou was left in electric stupefaction when he found himself walking to the arcade again with Todoroki.

Beginning to trudge forth to his scheduled appointment, Bakugou thought, I hate the fact that him doing all this shit for me ultimately has made me wanna change for the better. I hate it. It feels like he’s pitying me. But that pity…is exactly what I complain about otherwise not getting. Then again, he’s just a friend—not the goddamn person who gave birth to me. What bullshit that I’m so attached because he gave me something so simple that everyone should get for free anyway. What a surprise that not fucking someone over helps them. What bullshit that that's apparently so hard to understand… I can’t tell if, for once, he’s the only one who isn’t oblivious or ignorant, or if he gets it because he’s been through similar shit.

Once Bakugou found himself seated on a soft gray couch in Saiji’s room with beige carpet and white walls, he simultaneously felt as though his entire body was paralyzed and being torn apart into a volcano of ants. His heart thrashed in his chest, and yet a subzero vice clamped down on his chest like the jaws of a crocodile.

Crossing his arms, Bakugou mumbled, “Is therapy really all just about forgiving the people who did shit to you and seeing from their perspective that you also did shit to them?” His voice was like charcoal in a fire pit.

Saiji tilted her head, causing her pink ponytail to spill over her shoulder. “Not at all,” she replied in a soft, cotton-like voice. “Did someone tell you that’s what it’s like?” She sat on the gray couch on the opposite side of the wooden coffee table dividing the two.

Bakugou squinted his eyes and gazed out at the brilliant red beginning to bleed from the distant sky. “That’s all that happened with my last therapist. She’d take anything I said and make it all about anyone but me. She ignored my problems and basically told me every time that my problems weren’t problems, the people who hurt me were justified in hurting me, all I did was wrongfully make problems for the people who hurt me, I was resenting those people over nothing and just needed to let go and forgive them, and all that shit. I told my mom about it, and she gaslit me into thinking I was just being stubborn, and my therapist was just doing her job.

“Kept telling me I was exaggerating and just holding a grudge against her. But I knew it was bullshit. I drew the line when my therapist said my mom had every right to lash out at me and kick me out for doing drugs when she didn’t know anything about why. She cared more about being an invisible therapist to my parents than me. Tch. Defending their every action and shaming all of mine…” Finally, his vermillion eyes met the silver eyes of Saiji. “So, I’m basically wondering if this is a turning point in my life where I’m actually gonna be grateful I got forced into therapy again, or if I got roped into some bullshit that’s gonna fuck me up for the rest of my life.”

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

I’m so hungry, Todoroki muttered to himself once he and Iida were seated at the dumpling house Iida picked for their celebratory date. I’ll just raise more suspicion if I pick at my food, and especially since he knows the wounds on my stomach are still here after the mock battle. I’m sure he can put two and two together. He’s already worried about me and keeps asking if I’m okay. Same with Midoriya, Bakugou, and Aizawa. He gazed around the room half-filled with people and hushed chatter. I like this place. The food is always delicious. But it’s so fattening.

“So, what looks good to you, Shouto?” Iida asked, glancing up from the menu in his hands.

Todoroki’s eyes darted to the option for cold soba. “Cold soba.”

Iida smiled. “I figured. Anything else?”

There are lots of dumplings. Xiao long bao, gyoza, steamed dumplings… They all sound good. But I’m sure they all have plenty of fat in them. They look so innocent, but if you let the fat cool, you can truly visualize how much more fat was in it than appearances would suggest.

“I guess the steamed chicken dumplings,” Todoroki replied as a waitress set two glasses of water on the table. “What do you want?” He scrupulously examined his glass, rotating it a full three hundred and sixty degrees.

“Thank you,” Iida thanked the waitress before casting his gaze back to Todoroki. “By all means, if there’s anything else you want, we can get it. But I think I’ll try the tempura.” He set his menu down, raising a brow at Todoroki. “Is there something wrong with the glass?”

Todoroki shook his head. “Oh, no. But I think this should be plenty.” He took a sip of his water, feeling as his stomach clawed at itself for sustenance.

I’ll exercise twice as long tonight, Todoroki told himself. That is…if I can get myself to do that. That’s so much work. So much time. So much effort. I really don’t feel like it. Damn. But I have to do something about all the calories. He picked off a thin band of skin from his left index finger. While you gain weight, exercise less, drink more, and eat more, you force all the exercise, dieting, and weight goals onto me. It’s ridic… No. Stop. Your ego is showing again.

After a few minutes, Todoroki and Iida received their dishes and promptly began to pluck samples of each dish for themselves. Todoroki filled the majority of his plate with cold soba, and Iida filled his plate with an even distribution of each menu item.

It’s so good, Todoroki internally said in awe as he slurped up a few cold soba noodles. I haven’t eaten cold soba in a while. I missed this. It’s so good… 

“Is it good?” queried Iida, who was dabbing his lips with his napkin.

Todoroki nodded. “Very.”

Within a few minutes, Todoroki consumed all of the cold soba on his plate. His stomach began to ache, but he lifted a pale, glistening dumpling into his chopsticks nonetheless. Then, he ate a second dumpling. He held his stomach at the sensation of being stuffed full, but after glimpsing at Iida, he slowly crunched down on the tempura in front of him; he could feel the oily residue of the deep-fried batter clinging to his lips.

I’m so full, Todoroki snarled at himself while lowering his chopsticks. I’m sickeningly full. I used to eat even more than this. How? Why? No wonder I got so fat. And all the fat in this food is now in me. He swallowed thickly, brushing a napkin over his lips. Why did you have to get something that was deep-fried?

“Oh, is that all you’re having?” Iida plucked another dumpling from the dark brown platter in the center of the table, leaving one piece available.

Todoroki closed his hands into fists under the table. You want me to eat more? Fuck it. Fine. As long as it makes you happy… Is that it? Are you like Endeavor where you’ll go so far as to pay to watch me indulge myself with all the things I hate, getting upset if I express the slightest bit of disapproval even if you’re acutely aware that I hate it? He picked up his chopsticks again. I feel like throwing up.

“Oh, no,” Todoroki murmured, scooping up the last of the cold soba onto his plate.

I feel uncomfortable and sick. So sick. Todoroki noticed how Iida set his chopsticks down to take a sip of water. Why? It’s sitting in a smudge of oil where you’ll touch when you pick it up again. You always do this—dirty your hands, not wash them, and cross-contaminate everything. Everyone does, and especially Endeavor. At least you wash your hands after using the bathroom, unlike him. And you cover your coughs and sneezes, also not sneezing into your hands like he does. And then he still doesn’t wash his hands. He’s disgusting. Stop judging, Shouto. Pay it no mind. It doesn’t matter. Move on. He munched through another clump of soba. All of this is sitting in my stomach. I’ll gain so much weight. I’m so full. Just stomach the rest of it. I hate this.

Throw it up when you get back.

Choking down the remainder of his cold soba, Todoroki sighed, “I’m full.” He suppressed the gag threatening to spill from his throat as he recalled everything he’d eaten and estimated the total calorie count.

Iida nodded. “I am as well.” He pulled out his wallet. “I’ll pay this time.”

“No, I’d like to,” Todoroki requested with cold digits. “To make up for not replying for so long,” he swiftly added.

Lowering his brows, Iida let out a sigh. “All right. But I’m paying next time—no exceptions.” He nodded and tucked his wallet back into his pocket.

I’m just going to throw it up anyway, Todoroki inwardly sibilated. You shouldn’t have to pay for wasted food. No matter what I do, it’s selfish. He envisioned Iida’s wallet slicked over with a faint sheen of oil. Please just wash it off… I can’t stand this. But why? Why do I get so distressed over such insignificant things? What’s wrong with me? Or am I the only normal one? I feel like it should just be the standard to wash your hands when they get dirty. That’s normal. That’s just being hygienic. But…no one but me seems to do it, and I get weird looks whenever I’m seen washing my hands a lot, even though that’s just when they get dirty.

Maybe being sanitary isn’t a problem, but I must have a problem to wish everyone else shared the same mentality.

Before long, Todoroki paid for dinner and returned to U.A. with Iida at his side. However, Iida mentioned that he would be visiting his brother in the hospital again, so he parted ways with Todoroki once the two arrived at U.A. Todoroki hastily walked back to his dorm and locked himself in the bathroom. His stomach was heaving, and he could vaticinate his body’s eventual reaction.

I know it’s a matter of minutes before I end up throwing it all up, Todoroki realized, thoroughly scraping his hands with soap and water. I ate so much. Why? Why did I eat so much? Right. That’s what they want, even though they’re the same people who didn’t want that. Sinking to his knees in front of the toilet, Todoroki gagged up a bit of his dinner soaked with stomach acid. Disgusting. It burns. I want this out of me right now. I’m so sick and uncomfortable. I chose to do this. I hate myself… I forced myself to eat all this, and now, I’m going to force myself to throw it all up. It sounds terrible, though. I can’t imagine it’s very difficult, but just the thought of it is making me even more nauseous. Just get it over with.

Todoroki could never forget what next ensued. He could remember how his left hand was coated in a thick, sticky film of saliva. He could remember how his middle and index fingers ran over warm, wet, and slimy parts of his body he’d never explored before, and how each motion of his hand brushed against the large bumps scattered across the back of his tongue. He could remember gagging, the feeling of wanting to gag, and heaving forward as he repeatedly jabbed the back of his throat with his fingers. Yet, even after twenty minutes of gagging on his fingers, Todoroki had only accomplished creating a mild, burning pain in his wrist, causing droplets of his own saliva to wind down his arm and drip from his elbow onto the floor, and searing his throat with the small bursts of stomach acid he’d gagged up.

I already feel sick to my stomach, and now I’m just making it worse, somehow, Todoroki lambasted himself as he removed his fingers from his mouth and began to cough and gasp for air. My jaw is sore. My eyes feel like they’ll pop out of my skull every time I dig around. My hand hurts. It’s so fucking gross. But I can’t stop until it’s out of me. I’ve already done this much. I’ve already spent thirty minutes on this. Why? I should’ve naturally thrown it up by now. Is it because I’m so desperate for it that I’m denied it? But, then again, because it’s so awful…it’s all I can focus on. Even if I’m failing at throwing up…

You wanted this. You drilled into my head to do this. I’m giving you what you want. You have to be happy now. Right? I’m doing everything… Swallowing the pain, abandoning my emotions, holding my tongue, severing attachments, refusing to ask for anything, giving you what you want to hear, no longer saying unnecessary words that would anger you, surrendering my ideals, starting to kill off all my desires and burn my ego… What’s left of me? Me, of course. But you want me to erase that too. So, really…you’re asking me to hurt myself and destroy my body in every way possible until nothing is left?

So be it.

Then, after another twenty-five minutes of shoving his fingers down his throat, Todoroki vomited up more of his dinner than he could recall eating. His stomach still ached, his throat screamed at him, his hand and wrist were sore, and his jaw had been exhausted as well.

I hated that… Todoroki scrubbed his hands with soap and uncomfortably hot water three times for thirty seconds each, ensuring he washed under his fingernails each time. But all that is finally out of my body. It was so much… Seeing it all practically undigested… He gagged again at the imagery of a brown swamp of stomach acid, dissolved remains of fats and carbohydrates, and mushy, bubbling pieces of everything he’d eaten. Is this how bulimics feel? I had no idea purging was this fucking long and disgusting… I always heard about it, but nothing I heard can compare to actually experiencing it.

After rinsing out his mouth with water, mouthwash, and even soap, Todoroki peered into the eyes of his reflection. Tenya would think I’m repulsive. But how else am I supposed to lose weight if starving myself makes it too obvious? I don’t want attention. I don’t want to be asked questions. I don’t want to worry anyone. He lifted his shirt and flexed the muscles on his front half. I’ve lost muscle mass, and I’m still fat. Why? Isn’t this enough? What more can I do without turning the world’s eyes on me? I hate this. I hate myself. I hate dealing with this every day now. I think about this more than I think about Tenya or Bakugou, or even school. ‘Disrespectful.’ In the end, all I’m ever thinking about is myself. I just…

I wish someone would kill me so I wouldn’t have to think about the damage I’d do to everyone by committing suicide.

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

It was early December, and classes had been in session again for roughly one month after midterms. The trees were practically barren, and only a few laggard leaves clung to the trees. Dawn finally poked through the murky horizon past six in the morning, and the drops of sunlight dispersed into the sky around four in the afternoon.

Having finished an hour-long run in the tangerine blaze of twilight, Todoroki collapsed into his futon with his earbuds still in his ears. He’d been exercising in bulk intermittently; the days he had not exercised were days he spent the majority of his day in his futon. As for his eating habits, he’d shifted to only eating lunch during school unless Iida coerced him into going out to eat, and either eating a small snack on Sunday, or starving himself for the day.

I’m almost at one hundred and twenty-five pounds, Todoroki consoled himself while listening to the lyrics about never amounting to enough cutting through his ears. I’m so close. I have to get there. I have to keep up the step goals. I have to… But I’m so tired. I feel like everything but this undying desire to reach my weight, step, and calorie goals is meaningless. I don’t feel anything but this one single desire. When will it be enough? Haven’t I done enough? I’ve worked so hard for this, and yet, it feels impossible to get.

“Oi, Icyhot. C’mere.” Bakugou pulled Todoroki into the bathroom during their passing period. “Yer way thinner than you were a few months ago. You sure nothing’s going on?”

“Bakugou, I’m fine,” Todoroki uttered with a plastic smile. “I feel better now that I’ve been exercising more and changing my diet.”

I’d rather die than let anyone know what I’m doing to myself. It’s shameful. It’s appalling. It’s just a sign I’m weak. And yet, I deserve it.

“Do you?” countered Bakugou, who raised a brow. “Cuz it looks to me like you’ve been doing hella worse in combat. Y’know, it’s fine if you don't want to tell me, but I’m not fucking blind. Todoroki, I used to be able to see all your muscles through your shirts.”

“Really, there’s nothing going on. I’ve just been tired and less motivated to work out.”

“I really don’t fucking believe that.”

“I guess there’s no changing your mind, but I can assure you I’m fine. I think you have more important things to worry about.”

“Tch. Well, y’know, you’ve got the whole class worried. So, just remember yer not the only one affected here.”

In the end, everything is somehow my fault.

I feel like every day is the same. Wake up, force myself to get out of bed because skipping school will only make this hell even worse, think about eating all day from being hungry, try to get extra exercise and steps in whenever possible, think of lies and excuses to please everyone, mindlessly do my homework and study, sleep so I don’t have to be awake any longer than I have to be. I’m not even interested in being romantic with Tenya anymore. That eagerness I felt seeing him is gone, even though this is all for him. All I care about is myself, and yet, I’m the person I treat the worst. Ironic, isn’t it? I’m tired of this. I’m so tired of this. I don't feel sad at all. I’m just tired and empty with only one thing controlling me. But I’d just be selfish not to call this happiness.

Todoroki couldn’t remember falling asleep, but when he awoke, he blinked his heavy eyelids open to the sound of knocking. His head throbbed, and his stomach had shriveled into a knot inside him, but he fought against gravity itself to hobble over to the door. He rubbed his eyes and slowly unlocked the door, nonplussed when he had to tilt his head down to meet the eyes of the person standing before him.

“Oh, sorry, were you asleep?” Midoriya sheepishly asked.

Todoroki murmured, “It’s fine. Did you need something?” He rubbed his bleary eyes again, but the leaden wall of grogginess weighing his eyelids down would not budge.

Midoriya nodded. “Um. I wanted to talk to you, if that’s okay.”

Gesturing for Midoriya to step into his dorm, Todoroki closed the door behind the former and sat on the tatami mats on the floor. I can already guess where this is going. ‘Todoroki-kun, you’ve lost a lot of weight, and I’m really worried.’ Something like that. You’re annoying. Leave me alone. 

“I even see Aizawa-sensei…” Midoriya’s voice was like the ocean mist on the wind.

‘Disrespectful.’ But I can’t help my thoughts. No one would know. Still, it’s the principle that matters. ‘Shouto, the Bible says…’ No, it doesn’t. You say that. His stomach growled at him, poking him back into reality.

“...outside of lunch?” Midoriya’s soft voice trembled with a blue, liquid emotion.

Todoroki nodded. Once again, I’m too self-absorbed.

Midoriya furrowed his brows and glanced away. “But…I don’t ever see you out of your dorm anymore. It’s impossible not to see how much weight you’ve lost. Is everything okay?” He met Todoroki’s empty eyes.

“Yeah,” Todoroki replied with achromatic words painted in cracked, pastel paints. “I appreciate the concern, but I’m completely fine.”

Curling his hand into a fist, Midoriya formed a lachrymal smile. “I really don’t think I can believe that… And it makes me very sad to think you might be struggling with something on your own and acting like the pain doesn’t exist. You’re my friend, and it hurts me to see that you haven’t been yourself, and you’ve lost a lot of weight pretty quickly.” His green eyes flicked from the floor to Todoroki.

I’m so sick of dealing with someone’s worries over me every day, Todoroki thought while plastering on a smile. I’m sick of waking up. I’m sick of everything. It’d be so much easier to just sleep it all off.

Death is just an overdose away.

“Midoriya, I’m fine,” Todoroki reiterated emphatically, injecting his words with artificial emotion. “I promise. That might be difficult to believe, but I’ve just found a way of living I’m more comfortable with.”

There’s nothing wrong with me. Don’t imply that there is. I’m reminded enough by my damn old man that I have no right to have any problems or be anything but happy. He tells me I’m fat so much more often now. So, I know it’s true. If more than one person in my immediate life thinks I’m fat and need to lose weight, it’s just the truth. I’m fucking fat. I’m disgusting.

Midoriya remained silent for a few more seconds. “Are you happy with your body, Todoroki-kun?” His voice was like a maple leaf drifting in an icy river.

Why would I be when I’ve been told and have seen for myself that I’m fat? But saying that would worry you. You’d think I have an eating disorder. I don’t.

“Y’know,” Bakugou sighed, “anorexia’s no laughing matter. Men suffer from it too.”

“Bakugou, I’m not anorexic. You watch me eat every day. If I were anorexic, I’d be dead by now.”

“Hah… Not necessarily.”

With a nod, Todoroki replied, “I don’t particularly care about my size. I’m just doing what’s most comfortable for me.” He noticed Midoriya’s subtle, extended blink, and slow exhalation.

“All right… Just make sure you’re eating enough, okay? Um.” Midoriya dragged the nail of his index finger over his kneecap. “I had a friend who, well, passed away from an eating disorder. So, I’m very paranoid about it happening again. My biggest regret was believing them when I could see they clearly weren’t okay. I didn’t want to be skeptical. I didn’t want them to be mad at me. I didn’t want to be wrong and assume something about them that was completely wrong.” He stood up to his feet with a tattered smile. “So, I might be a little annoying with this. Because…I really care about you, Todoroki-kun. I’m not trying to pity you or anything like that. I want my friends to be happy. I can’t…bear the thought of another friend dying like that in front of me. I won’t ever let it happen again.”

A frigid scythe sliced into Todoroki’s psyche as he watched Midoriya wave and head towards the door. Even though that makes complete sense, I don’t want to stop until I’m okay with my body, Todoroki cogitated. Is it so much to ask that I feel comfortable in my own body? I guess so, because ever since Tenya made that comment, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I guess I manipulated myself into thinking I wasn’t fat when Endeavor started commenting on it. It’s the only thing I think of when I’m not thinking about how much I don’t want to do things, how annoying things are, or how much I wish I were dead. 

Todoroki closed his eyes when the door closed behind Midoriya. I couldn’t even say anything. I’m a terrible friend, a worthless son, a dishonest boyfriend, and a fuck-up of a human being. I’m only human, but I don’t think I deserve a title as grand as that. I want to be considered ‘underweight.’ Surely, I’d have to look okay by then. I have to do this. I owe them all at least this much. More and more, I just feel like an animal that only knows how to get what it wants, regardless of how the humans around it feel. After all, I’m the reason why Mom… Forget. Don’t start remembering now. It’s my fault. If I were human, she never would’ve…

Before Todoroki was cognizant of his own thoughts, he locked the door to his dorm and ripped out the scissors from his desk. No scars, he reminded himself while his heart thrashed in his throat. Somewhere people won’t look. Somewhere easy to hide. No scars. I’ve never had an impulse like this before. He angled the metal blades at the center of the top of his left foot. All the veins there… What if it doesn't stop? What if I puncture a vein? He ran his fingers over the tips of the scissors. They’re great for piercing, and they’re small and thin. It won’t leave nearly as noticeable of scars as cutting would. It’s fine. What am I talking about? How is stabbing myself fine?

“Move on.”

Sucking in a chilling breath through his teeth, Todoroki squinted his eyes, tightened his jaw, and strangled the scissors in his grip. Then, before he knew it, he felt something ache, throb, and burn across his flesh. He felt something strike through his flesh and reverberate through his bones. He felt the cold sweat searing his forehead as he reeled back at the sight of a fountain of dark red gushing from his foot. He felt his heart palpitate and shrivel in the taste of electricity. He felt his breaths slicing against the dry back of his throat.

Shit, shit, shit… Todoroki frantically glanced around his room for a fraction of a second before bolting into the bathtub in the bathroom. It’s still gushing. I feel… He felt his stomach drop, his vision blur, and his brain wrap around his lungs. I can’t breathe. He sat at the edge of the bathtub, panting with his head lowered as his warm blood snaked down his skin and dripped into the tub. What’s happening? I can’t see. I’m so lightheaded. My stomach is turning inside out. It’s so uncomfortable. What is this? Get over it. He rinsed off his wound and wrapped it up with cold, numb, and shaky hands. My chest is so tight. I can’t breathe. Just breathe. Calm down. The bottle of soap Todoroki was unconsciously staring at doubled.

The next thing Todoroki could remember was waking up on something cold, hard, and slick. He blinked his eyes open to a white, glossy wall staring at him. Slowly, he lifted himself to his knees, wincing at the throbbing pain in the side of his head as he realized that he was in his bathroom. Todoroki rubbed the side of his head, and the moment he espied the floor by his feet, he noticed the bandaging around his left foot.

I…passed out? Todoroki buried his face into his knees. I hate myself. Wait. The blood. My floor. Shit. Shit. After Todoroki scrambled to scrub out the blood that had seeped into his tatami mats, he slowly pulled off the bandages for his wound. I can hardly tell anything is even there. I hated every part of this. But that’s why it’s perfect… Why did I do this again? No. Don’t think about that. It works. This works. I’ve never been queasy with blood before. Maybe it’s from not eating all day and then suddenly losing a lot of blood. I’m just glad it worked in my favor. If passing out makes me forget, even if only temporarily, and the act of getting to that point clears my head…

Why is it that the only way for me to feel normal and comfortable is for me to hurt myself first?

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

After forcing himself to gag and cough until he retched up the salad he’d eaten for lunch, Todoroki winced at the rawness of his throat. He felt as though a metal pole burning in white and orange and coated in stomach acid was searing through his esophagus. Gasping as he flushed away the contents of his stomach, he utilized the wall as a crutch and rose from his knees.

Two fucking hours to get rid of one salad, Todoroki snarled at himself. It burns so much. I hate it, but it’s the only way. It has to be enough soon. Everyone is worried. I can’t keep reusing the same excuses. My lies are falling apart. Tenya’s texting me every few hours to ask if I’ve eaten. Midoriya leaves food outside my dorm. Bakugou yells at me and calls out all my bullshit. Aizawa contacted Endeavor about it twice, and he buys lunch for me. Endeavor keeps telling me I eat too much. Yaoyorozu asked me if I’m starving myself, and that I shouldn’t do that. Everyone… Just leave me alone. Let me be alone for the rest of winter break.

With shaky steps, Todoroki stepped onto the cold metal scale on the floor. One hundred and twenty-two. I’m nearly underweight. This? Impossible. I don’t look remotely close to being ‘underweight.’ He turned to face the mirror again, pulling up his shirt and examining his sides. I have a little curviness now. Just a little. But it’s nothing like Bakugou. So, I have to be thinner. Thinner than him. How much does he weigh? Surely less than this if I'm this fat. He lowered his shirt and stared at his hands as his phone vibrated. My hands are so dry from constantly washing them, but I hate the feeling of lotion.

Bakugou
I finally got new antidepressants a few weeks ago, and this time, they’re actually working.

Todoroki
That’s good. I’m glad to hear there’s a positive in your life

Bakugou
Yeah, they really numb the shit I was feeling without them. But they don’t mix with some of the other drugs I have. So, I’m trying to stay clean from those and just fucking hope it’ll be worth the withdrawal.

Todoroki
That’s fantastic. I guess it’s killing two birds with one stone? I’m happy you’re making progress

Bakugou
Yeah, same here. Anything going on with you?

Todoroki
No, not really

Bakugou
You know that’s bullshit, fatass.

Todoroki’s phone nearly slipped from his hands as a pulsating explosion of cold electricity shot through him. So you’ve been hiding how you really feel about me too? His digits quivered, and his heart began to tumble. I should’ve known. 

Todoroki
You don’t need to remind me

Bakugou
So you admit that you think you’re fat?

Fuck. I fell for the trap. I typed without thinking. Shit… I never change. I try so hard not to repeat past mistakes, but all I ever do is repeat them again and again.

“I’m going to the store,” Endeavor said. “I’ll bring you cold soba from your favorite restaurant for dinner.”

Once Endeavor returned home, Todoroki assisted in putting away the groceries. Yet, after all the groceries in paper bags were gone, Todoroki felt his chest sink when he realized there was no cold soba.

I want to ask, but… Maybe he just forgot. Just ask. He said he would.

“Did you get the cold soba?” Todoroki asked.

Immediately, Endeavor’s visage soured as he spat, “I never said I’d get you any.” He stepped closer to Todoroki, tipping his head down with a virulent glare. “I said I ‘might’ bring some, and I had more important things to do anyway. Don’t put this on me, Shouto. I didn’t promise anything, and it’s your fault for not paying attention when I said that.”

But I know you said you would… Why did I ask? I knew he’d just get mad at me.

Bakugou
And just so we’re clear, I only said what I did to get a reaction out of you. You’re not fat, Todoroki.

Todoroki
I don’t want to talk about this

Bakugou
So, I’ll take that as a “yes.” Unless you wanna explain yourself.

Once again, I can’t say anything. You back me into a corner and try to pry the truth out of me, but the moment I utter even a shred of the truth, you use my cornered position to backstab me. If I don’t say the truth, you just keep me trapped there until I do, and it ends the same, but with even more pressure and guilt. At least your accusations are right, unlike Endeavor, where all I can do is pretend to be the accusations, no matter how wrong or damning they are.

Todoroki
I don’t. I’ve heard it plenty, though

Bakugou
Who the hell is calling you fat?

Todoroki
It doesn’t matter

Bakugou
Why’re you trying to lose weight for these sick fucks if you don’t think you’re fat?

Todoroki
I’m not talking about this anymore

I would rather play the therapist and stay as the one that’s yet to open up than crumble in front of the person who poured his heart out to me, Todoroki thought to himself while swiping back to his message history with his father. He’s gotten angrier and more violent, particularly with me. Fuyumi said he’s eating dinner normally with her one minute, and the next, she accidentally sets a dish on the table too loudly, and he lashes out at her. Then again, what’s new?

Bakugou
Fine. But it’s not gonna do you any good to bottle everything up. Trust me, learned that the hard way. I’m fucking sick of hating myself and digging myself deeper into a hole because of it. It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? I’m the one doing this to myself and locking the exit, but I complain and yell about how I can't get out. My choices aren’t just fucking me up. They’re affecting everyone else, including you. What right do I have to bitch about shit to the people I’m choosing to hurt because I don’t want to fix the problems I bitch about? I’m just a hypocrite. And y’know, you’re always the one telling me not to bottle everything up, to say what’s on my mind if I’m troubled by something, to stop pretending to be someone I’m not, blah, blah, blah. Kinda seems to me like you’re giving me all the advice you need but won’t take.

I can’t even hold up my lies in front of him, Todoroki scolded himself. I can’t be my facade, I can’t be the real me, I can’t be anything without him seeing through something I don’t want him to. No matter how hard I try, I can’t completely fool anyone anymore. Everything’s coming undone. I can’t adapt fast enough. My efforts just aren’t enough. I don’t know what to do.

Todoroki
Bakugou, I’m fine. I’m relieved you’re doing better and have made personal milestones despite all the hurdles it took you to get there. Just the act of saying all you did is something to be proud of. You’re very strong, and you’re also a very nice person, deep down. But I have to go. I’ll talk to you later

A part of me is screaming to put an end to this endless cycle of trying, failing, envisioning, repeat. Todoroki sat in front of the bathroom sink. I’m more self-absorbed than ever. I don’t even want to be with my boyfriend. I just want to be alone so I can obsess over everything without scrutiny. No one telling me to lose weight, no one telling me to eat more, no one being worried, no one opening the door for me to make more mistakes just by talking, no one judging me, just… Todoroki began picking at the skin around the nail and cuticle of his left index finger. I feel like I’m going insane. Who obsesses this much over numbers and perfection? It has to be the way I want. It has to be perfect. It has to be enough. But it never is…

If I sacrifice and submit it all, would that even be enough?

My friends are all improving in one way or another, and I’m… Todoroki pressed his hand to his stomach. I want to die. I just want everything to stop. It’s too much. I don’t want another morning to exist. I just want to lie in my futon and fade away, doing nothing in an endless night. I don’t even want to dream. I don’t have anything I’d want to dream about except for what I can’t have, so, I don’t want to dream about that either since it won’t ever be anything more than a dream. All I really want…is for this all to end. He sucked in a scaly whip of air when he tore off a long piece of skin around his cuticle that immediately flooded the edges of his nails with red. I used to dream of all these things, but I learned they’re not even options for me, or they’re just out of my reach. No matter how hard I fought for those dreams…

“Do it again. You’re not even trying anymore!”

“I am!”

“Do not raise your voice at me!”

Thwack!

No matter how much I begged…

“No, because I said so! I’m the parent, Shouto, and you do as I say, no questions asked! Period!”

No matter how much I believed…

“Guess what, Shouto? Rock climbing starts tomorrow morning, and you’ll do it twice a week. Now get ready for your appointment.”

Why? Even though you know how much I don’t want to do that again. You said I didn’t have to. Why? This isn’t fair. And it’s an hour-long commute. I don’t have time for that… Over four hours of my day gone? Twice a week?

“You said I didn’t have to.”

And what appointment? You never tell me until the last minute. You tell everyone in the family but me. Why? You promised you’d get better about this.

“Too bad. You didn’t want to do anything else, so I picked for you. Now get moving, unless you want me to take your phone for a month.”

Anything else? You mean the two other options you gave me? I picked going to the gym—which you offered—but then you changed your mind. Why? We planned for that, and I was glad about it, but you…

No matter what…

“I don’t care.”

I don’t have a fucking say in anything… 

“Shouto, I love you. Remember, I’m only doing what’s best for you. I have far more life experience than you do, so trust me.”

My life isn’t mine. You’re the one controlling it. I’m just a dog on a leash obeying your orders and getting dragged wherever you drag me. I tried so hard to get out of my collar, but you just scold me, insult me, and tighten it even more. It might as well be a noose. But it’s all for me, and I’m just a spoiled dog. I just can’t appreciate everything you’ve done for me, like a dog screaming at its nails being trimmed or thrashing at its teeth getting brushed. It makes a big deal out of nothing while you roll your eyes and say, ‘Whatever.’ ‘Oh, please.’ ‘Pathetic.’ You’re right.

Animals will never understand.

The next afternoon, Todoroki forced himself out of his dorm to exercise for a few hours at the gym with Bakugou. Todoroki hadn’t eaten anything that day, and he could only frown when he pushed himself to the point of collapsing before reaching the exercise goals he’d set for himself. Not only that, but Bakugou had yet to display the familiar redness of his face, breathless gasps from both his lips and chest, and colorless smears of sweat mottling his forehead.

“Stop pretending.”

It’s nowhere near what I’m usually capable of, Todoroki reminded himself while Bakugou handed him a protein bar. It’s humiliating. It feels like they’re all judging me. Like they’re all silently disappointed in me. Like they all expected more from me. Who wouldn’t? They know I can do more. It’s pathetic, and especially with Bakugou as a direct comparison. I always let everyone down. I can never fulfill their expectations. I’m so tired of it… He waited until Bakugou remarked that he’d refill their water bottles to scour the caloric content of the protein bar. That’s so much sugar. So many carbs. The unhealthiest fats. I don’t want this. Two hundred calories… That’s probably how much I burned, if even. He shook his head, pondering whether or not Bakugou would force him to consume the bar or not. Even if I exercise enough to burn it off, that’s still moving my goals further away. I hate this. I don’t want to eat this. What, am I going to have a mental breakdown over a fucking protein bar?

Once Bakugou returned and handed Todoroki his water bottle, Bakugou sighed, “Listen, you gotta eat something. Yer burning through muscle, Todoroki. You aren’t gaining any from this.” He ripped the bar out of Todoroki’s hot, sticky hand, peeling the wrapper down and shoving the brown bar between Todoroki’s lips. “Eat.”

I want to die. I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t fucking want to… Stop being childish. Just do as you’re told. There’s a collar and leash for a reason. No complaining. No opinions. No questions.

After finishing up at the gym, Todoroki parted ways with Bakugou and walked to a few stores in an endeavor to locate one that sold what his mind supplicated for him to secure. Yet, before Todoroki could obtain the slender object that hovered in his reveries more and more frequently, he glimpsed at something that was similar enough to pique his interest: a jump rope. He’d spent quite a few minutes deliberating over which was most felicitous for his future plans, but Todoroki ultimately decided on purchasing both types of jump ropes offered: one with wiring between the handles that was encased in plastic, and one with an abundance of plastic strands all braided together between the handles without any casing.

It’s less disconcerting this way anyway, Todoroki assured himself while beginning to walk home with the jump ropes in his side bag. I can make up better excuses, and by appearance alone, there are fewer implications for my actual intentions. Once he arrived at his dorm, Todoroki stuffed the red and yellow jump ropes into his closet. I don’t know why, but just knowing I have a viable and immediate option now puts me so much more at ease. He let out a long sigh. But the real question is… Will I and when do I put these to use?

Chapter Text

Katsuki Bakugou

Bakugou could remember spending his Wednesday night chugging alcohol until he had no memory of what transpired before waking up with a throbbing headache. He spent the majority of his morning groaning and tossing in bed. However, by noon, Bakugou begrudgingly began his day.

I knew high school romance was a terrible idea, Bakugou inwardly growled as a torrent of memories pulverized his brain. Now I need to text some people to get Shitty Hair’s conversation out of view. I can’t stand the fact that I still have to work with him in class and see him every day. At least it’s break now, but it’s almost over. Only good things disappear too quickly. And yet I fell for another person in my class. He sat down on his bed and sent Todoroki a text message:

Bakugou
Hey.

‘Hey, it’s me.’ Bakugou read Kirishima’s text to himself. ‘I know this is really awkward, but I just wanted to check in. Are things any better for you?’ He grit his teeth, digging his fingers into his palms. If you really cared, you would’ve done this a long time ago! It’s your fault everything went in an even sharper downward spiral! When I needed you the most, and you were all I had… You promised you’d love me and stick it out at my lowest. Bullshit. He clawed open a can of beer. But how can I even blame you for getting fed up with me when I was a burden on you?

But I hate you so much for leaving me. You were all I had! You were everything to me! You were my whole reason to try and sort out my shit! Bakugou slammed his fist against the side of his desk. You knew I had a lot of shit going on! You knew I didn’t have anyone else! You knew I couldn’t even get support from my own family! But you pulled the rug out from under me anyway… He began rapidly gulping down another can of beer. Everyone who was supposed to be there for me stabbed me in the back and left me.

It feels like all I can fucking do is slowly kill myself with the things they all backstabbed me for. That’s the only way to cope with it. How fucked is that? You were the ones who left me with no other choice… Therapy is still just a waste of time. I tell Todoroki the pills work, but really, it hasn’t even been long enough to really notice the effects. I just want him to be the weak one for once. I want him to be vulnerable. I want him in the position they all put me in just to mock me for and leave me. A part of me wants to fuck him up like they all did to me…

Bzzt.

Todoroki
Hey. Is everything okay?

I feel guilty for it, but…

Bakugou
Honestly, not great. A lot of shit happened yesterday.

“ My old hag pays so much attention to random bullshit that she can’t ever see the glaring problems,” muttered Bakugou to Saiji, “and instead, she assumes a fuck ton of bullshit based on bullshit. And she always thinks she’s right, but ninety-five percent of the time, she couldn’t be more wrong! She won’t admit she’s wrong and won’t believe she’s wrong either.”

Todoroki
Do you want to talk about it?

“That’s frustrating…” Saiji replied. “How do you normally handle the situation when she makes those incorrect assumptions?”

Get pissed, tell her off, get my ass handed to me even though she’s the one that fucked up, and then go cut out the rage.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Bakugou
Not really.

I know you’ll press me to answer. The more you press, the more shit I remember. I hate this. I don’t want to remember! And I’m not about to tell you I cut. Just Todoroki knowing is too much.

Todoroki
Want to go to the arcade?

Bakugou let out a rueful yet scornful scoff. So you can beat my ass since I can’t concentrate on shit?

Bakugou
Doubt I’d be able to focus on anything, but if you wanna go, we can.

Lemme guess, you’re gonna be all polite and say it’s fine, and that if I don’t want to go, then we can just go another day.

Todoroki
No, it’s fine. If you aren’t feeling up to it, we can always go another day. Is there anything you’d like to do?

Read you like a fucking book. Y’know, we never do anything you wanna do. We only do what I wanna do. Why?

Bakugou
I dunno. You down to grab lunch or something?

And now you’re not gonna make up an excuse like you usually do nowadays.

Todoroki
Sure. Where do you want to go?

Oh my fucking God. Bakugou shook his head, silently face-palming. I hate that this is all according to plan.

So, Bakugou walked with Todoroki to a new restaurant specializing in sandwiches and soups. Bakugou had received a call from his mother during the walk about needing Bakugou to come home for the weekend to take care of their cat, Zeus. Bakugou could remember biting down on his tongue and wringing his palms with his fingers throughout the conversation.

Don’t make a fucking scene in front of him, Bakugou scolded himself. God, shut up already! Stop acting like he’s my cat! You wanted him! I had no fucking say in it, I literally didn’t want him to begin with, and I’ve seen him all of one time!

Once Bakugou and Todoroki were seated by a large window, Bakugou excused himself for the bathroom. He locked himself in the single-person restroom, immediately fishing out a few wrapped edibles from his pocket and chewing through them.

Forgot to take those damn meds this morning anyway, Bakugou told himself, glimpsing into the mirror behind the sink. I’m fucking pathetic. Imagine being so weak that intangible things that have no meaning on their own fuck you up. Wish I’d died then, but I had to be pathetic there too. He promptly began to relieve himself. ‘Katsuki, I’m still livid we had to take you to the hospital for an overdose. Do you ever think about how your actions affect other people?’ Go fuck yourself. He turned on the tap to the sink. 

I could’ve died, and you’re more concerned that you got dragged into the mess. No ‘are you okay?’ No ‘why would you do this?’ No ‘I’m here for you.’ Nothing. Nothing! It’s your fault things went to shit. Bakugou washed his hands with a scowl. It’s your fault I picked up a blade. It’s your fault I have so many scars. It’s your fault I got into drugs. It’s your fault I can’t stop doing them. It’s your fault I’ve never had stable relationships with anyone. He began to meander back to his table with Todoroki. It’s all because of you, and yet…

The hospital bill’s through the goddamn roof. I wish I’d just fucking died. Why? Why didn’t I just die?!

“Since you aren’t covering the bill, you can apologize for it,” Mitsuki muttered.

It’s your job to help and support me! You’d rather make me apologize for almost dying than show a shred of concern?! What the fuck is wrong with you!? I’m better off dead to my own mom.

“Sorry,” Bakugou scoffed.

Why am I always the one suffering the consequences of your actions?

Bakugou sat opposite Todoroki, squinting his eyes at the afternoon light beaming through the window. “Figured out what yer gettin?” queried Bakugou as he picked up his menu.

Todoroki nodded. “The chicken lettuce wrap.” He scraped the nail of his left middle finger across the cuticle of his left thumb.

Literally the healthiest thing here. Bakugou skimmed the menu and watched Todoroki drink half of his glass of water. His eating habits are just painful to see. How long has he been called fat to get to this point?

“I’ll probably get the club sandwich,” Bakugou murmured, arching his brows as Todoroki took another swig of water. “Wanna try it?”

Todoroki shook his head. “I’m good. Thank you for offering.” He nodded.

Oh, fuck off with that politeness, Bakugou wanted to groan. Just tell me how you feel. That’s what you always want from me. How is it fair for me to still be the only one who’s opened up? Say something, you coward. Stop making me the weak one! Just for once…can’t I be the one someone depends on? Can’t I be the strong one entrusted with bearing the brunt of things? Can’t I be the one…who isn’t pitied or having salt rubbed into the wound for being human?

“You sure you’re doin’ all right?” Bakugou asked, briefly flicking his eyes to Todoroki.

Todoroki nodded with a pleasant smile. “Yeah. It’s a nice day out too.” He lowered his hands under the table, twitching his left eye within moments.

“It’s such a nice day out,” Mitsuki chirped. “Come eat dinner outside, Katsuki.”

No. You’re gonna find a bone to pick with me if I’m around you for more than a few minutes.

“Pass,” Bakugou muttered.

“You don’t want to spend time with the people who love you the most?”

Fuck off. Shut the fuck up! And stop guilt-tripping me with bullshit! How the absolute fuck do you have the audacity to say that to my face when all you ever do is live to make me suffer?! If you’d died giving birth to me…I’d have been so much better off. Every day, I wish something would happen to you. I wouldn’t be sad. How fucked up is that?

Bakugou couldn’t remember how much time had passed until he and Todoroki were served their orders. Nor could he remember if he and Todoroki had any other conversations.

While tearing through his large sandwich, Bakugou sighed, “I feel like you talk less than you used to. Is there, like, a reason for that?”

Todoroki’s eyes drifted from his green wrap to the side. “Not really.” He took a sip of water.

“Kinda sounds like there is. Talk about yourself for once.”

Todoroki stared down at his untouched wrap for a while. “I don’t know,” he finally mumbled, reaching for his wide loaf of lettuce and taking a small bite out of it.

I know this never works, but one day, it’s gotta work. Show me who you really are, Todoroki. You broke me. It’s my turn to break you.

After a moment of silence, Bakugou uttered, “Y’know when I was on the phone on the way here?” His voice was soft, low, and strained ever so slightly. “I gotta head back home next weekend to take care of our cat since my parents are gonna be out.” He shook his head. “Tch.”

“Oh my God,” hissed Mitsuki. “Katsuki, stop exaggerating. You complain one more time today, and you won’t be going to the dorms. You’ll stay at home with me for the rest of high school.”

BECAUSE I SAID I HATED HOW FUCKING HOT IT WAS IN THE CLASSROOM?! YOU’RE FUCKING WITH ME, RIGHT?! YOU ASKED ME HOW CLASS WAS, SO I TOLD YOU, AND THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR IT!?

“Can I go with?” Todoroki suddenly asked.

Bakugou’s neck wound back. “Why?” His heart kicked at his stomach.

“In case something happens.”

Not that I wasn’t considering ‘accidentally’ overdosing. Just so no one would know if it was an accident or a suicide… Bakugou sank into the fluttery, syrupy beating of his heart. But basically having a sleepover with him? Hell yeah. No. No. You already know what happened the first and last time you got attached to someone. If feeling like I’m cared about by anyone at all is just gonna put me through the same hell all over again, I’d rather never get attached ever again.

Bakugou pushed out a throaty sigh. “Fine. But, only if you say why you haven’t been as talkative.” His bones froze with lightning when Todoroki’s eyes met his.

Todoroki shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said again. “Really. I just…” He closed his eyes. “I guess I’m at a loss for words. Sorry.” He turned his head away.

Bakugou felt like a leech had ripped its writhing body into his aorta. “Hey. It’s fine,” he assured Todoroki with a nod.

Slowly and subtly nodding in return, Todoroki replied, “Thank you.” He parted his lips again, but all Bakugou could hear was the hum of voices blended together and the near and distant clinks of dishes and silverware. “Sorry, I’m just not used to hearing that kind of response. Either way, I’m looking forward to seeing your cat. I’ll just ask Iida about it first to make sure.” Todoroki’s neutral expression was smeared into a smile.

I hate that obligatory little smile. I hate those sweet little filler words and soft language. I hate that peaceful tone. I hate everything about how you talk. 

“Don’t you need to go home too?” Bakugou asked, crunching his teeth through the lightly buttered and toasted sourdough bread of his sandwich.

Todoroki shrugged. “This is more important.”

Or are you just finding an excuse to not go home? Bakugou squinted his eyes. Cuz I totally get that.

Bakugou watched Todoroki reluctantly take another bite of his wrap. “Well, speaking of home stuff,” Bakugou commented, “how’s everything with Endeavor?”

Come on. I want something out of you. Something that isn’t just generic, obligatory, and or vague. The hell do I gotta do to get you out of you?

Todoroki raised his glass of water to his lips. “I guess it’s just how it usually is?” He shrugged again. “What about you?”

Immediately, Bakugou’s brows twitched together, and his lips receded to the side. “Hah. Same here.” He dug the nail of his right pointer finger into the arch of his thumb. “Old hag told me I need to put myself in her shoes and listen to someone else complain for once. Kinda fuckin’ hard to do that when the only two fuckers that’ll complain to me are complaining about me.” He rolled his eyes.

Although Todoroki plunged himself and Bakugou into silence for a while, after a few minutes, he finally remarked, “That’s not fair to you. I guess…” He paused for a second, exhaling slowly. “It kind of reminds me of something Endeavor does. I don’t know if I’d say it’s annoying or anything, but he sometimes complains that all I do is complain, even though he’s the one always complaining.” He shrugged again.

Bakugou’s eyes widened by a sliver. That actually fucking worked? Holy shit. Well, now I just feel guilty, but whatever. He sat up straight as his heart rapidly thumped in his chest.

“Nah, that’s annoying as all hell,” Bakugou half-chuckled, noting how Todoroki glanced up from the table. “My old hag does that to me all the time. Pisses me off. Tch. Bullshit is what I call it, and especially in your case. You never complain about anything.”

“I try not to,” Todoroki replied, pulling his phone out of his pocket. “But I’m sorry you have to put up with that.”

“It’s fucking annoying to deal with hypocrites,” Bakugou said with a lour, clearing his throat and straining his voice a few notes higher in pitch. “‘I’ll support you in whatever path you take.’” He forced his lips to contort into a smile before promptly twisting his expression into a vexed frown. “Only things you ‘supported’ me for were the things you made me do. Bitch.”

A faint grin materialized on Todoroki’s face for a transient moment. Before he could speak, Bakugou sibilated:

“What was that smile for?”

“Well, first, that must be beyond annoying to have to deal with her. She should be supporting you regardless and allowing you to live your life.” 

I’m so fucking glad that he at least just gets it. He doesn’t brush it off, he doesn’t interject, he doesn’t use it to make everything about himself…

“Ugh, tell me about it… Now what about the smile?”

Todoroki’s smile widened. “I just like hearing you complain about things. Sorry, the ‘bitch’ at the end was just very you, and it reminded me of you saying that when I broke your high score on the… The tappy rhythm game machine.”

“Well, at least I beat your ass on the one that’s a full-on workout.”

God, I love bantering with him like this… Bakugou internally mused as Todoroki gently tore off another piece of his wrap. Just the moments where he actually says something he wants to say feels like I just had a great meal.

Todoroki nodded. “True.” He wiped his lips with a napkin. “I’m amazed at how good you are at that one. My eyes can’t keep up, and neither can my legs.”

Wait, Bakugou realized. Once again, we’re back to talking about me. Don’t fucking tell me he just did that to divert the conversation. Todoroki, I swear to fucking God… Just give him the benefit of the doubt. Don’t be your old hag and jump to wild conclusions based on nothing.

Bakugou clicked his tongue. “Y’know what’d probably help you improve?” He watched Todoroki cant his head. “Eating.” His eyes were stained with Todoroki’s reaction: Todoroki lowered his chin by a fraction, glanced away, and then plastered on a weak smile. “It’s seriously not a secret that you don’t eat shit. The whole class is aware.” He could make out how Todoroki gently bit the inside of his mouth below his lips.

I’m starting to get on your nerves with this now, aren’t I? I’m willing to try whatever to get you to talk about it, asshole.

Although Todoroki parted his lips, Bakugou’s acrimonious voice clobbered Todoroki’s. “You want everyone’s sympathy, don’t you?” Bakugou’s eyes were chains of blood glaring back at him from Todoroki’s wide eyes. “Getting on everyone’s good side so they’ll spill their secrets to you, and then deliberately keeping everything to yourself so they’ll feel bad for you…” Bakugou turned his nose up. “You’re disgusting.”

Now break.

Todoroki’s jaw hung slightly open, his eyelids were peeled back, and he faced both the table and the floor, but after a few seconds of remaining like that, he spat out a soft laugh. “I am, aren’t I?” He lifted his head, locking his dim, empty eyes with Bakugou. “How does it feel to be the victim of my selfishness?” Despite the grim smirk on his face, his eyes began to scan the restaurant.

Bakugou’s shoulders jerked back as he raised his furrowed brows. Where the fuck did this come from!? T—

“Sorry,” uttered a familiar, monotone voice, “I just wanted to see your reaction to that.” Todoroki nonchalantly tipped the remainder of his water into his mouth.

All Bakugou could do was stare at Todoroki as he attempted to process what he’d witnessed. What…in the fuck was that? he cerebrated, shaking his head. I’m so fucking lost. What? I don’t even know where to begin. What the hell even happened? It’s all a blur now.

While Bakugou continued to dwell on Todoroki’s reaction, Todoroki said, “I think I made things too awkward now, so, I’ll just head back.” He stood up from the table and plopped a stack of yen on the wooden surface. “Sorry…” He briskly walked off.

You… Bakugou inhaled deeply. What the fuck? What the actual fuck? Then, a revelation sliced through his brain stem. Wait. You fucking… All this!? All this just to avoid talking about it!? He pressed his hand to his forehead. You sick, clever fuck… It’s that hard to talk about, huh? Well, I’m not giving up. When you come over, you’re not gonna have anywhere to run.

Just you wait, Icyhot.

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

It feels like the only thing I do is sleep or try to sleep when I’m not at school, Todoroki thought while nestling into his futon. I guess I went out on Sunday for lunch with Midoriya, and I also went out with Tenya for my birthday and our anniversary…just for me to purge it all. I’m not bulimic. I’m not anorexic. I try to starve myself, but I can’t. I don’t want attention. I did this for you. He rolled onto his right side and winced. Ouch. At least Fuyumi finally said to your face that you need help. You even try to control her life when she’s an adult living with her fiancé. 

Threatening me that you’ll do something to her if I don’t do as you say… Threatening her that you’ll do something to me if she doesn't do as you say… Why? You weren’t this bad when we were younger. I… It’s my fault. You’re just hurt. It’s because of what I’ve done to you, isn’t it? It’s because I wasn’t the child you wanted. It’s because I defied you and couldn’t do the things you asked. It’s because I’m so fucking selfish and self-centered. I’m just an insult to injury to you. You treat me like a little lap dog because I stole the freedom from your life, so you’re just showing me tough love and re-teaching me the meanings of ‘respect’ and 'gratitude.' If I die, will you finally be happy?

I wish I’d just suddenly die in my sleep. That would be the best time to die, before the morning can look at me with that bright, blithe smirk. I can’t be like the sun—shining in all its gaiety above the clouds, regardless of the weather, the season, the time, the pain, the cruelty… No matter what happens, it still smiles down on us all, providing the heat and light we all need. In comparison, I’m just a weed in a flowerbed. Todoroki’s hands touched as he repositioned himself. My hands are dry again. I’m too tired to get up. Every day just feels like it was copy-pasted with a few minor adjustments made. I spend so much of it in bed. I’m so tired. My life really came to this? This is who I am? This is my daily routine? It’s pathetic. All of my fingers are either scabbed over or bloody. It’s usually just two or three. I can't stop.

I hate throwing up since it’s disgusting and almost always ends up taking over an hour to do, but I can’t help it. Once I get the urge to, it takes complete control over me. It’s like a parasite clinging to my nerves. I waste so much time just trying to get it all out of me, and the worst is when it doesn’t work. I spend all that time making myself feel like throwing up just to not even be able to have that. Even now, I’m wasting my free time. I’m just complaining to myself and reliving the past instead of being productive or working towards the goals I complain about never being able to reach. I’m so tired, but I’m restless. I’m so hungry, but I don’t want to eat. I’m so pathetic, but I don’t want to get up. I’m too tired to even put those jump ropes to use.

I’m one hundred and seventeen pounds. I’m ‘underweight.’ I’ve lost so much of the muscle mass I spent so long building up. If Tenya hadn’t told me I’m heavy…would I be here right now? I want to blame him, but it’s my fault. I did this all to myself. That was the final straw that made me go down this rabbit hole. I’m weak. I’m still too heavy. I still take up too much space in the world. I still don’t have the body I want, even though I’m underweight. I’m a little curvier, but it’s not enough, and it just gets harder and harder to not only keep the weight off but also keep losing more.

I feel like I’m just living in another world inside my head most of the time. It’s easier that way. I can be myself, and no one is there to say anything about me for just living as whatever I’ve become. Maybe I could try writing again like Bakugou does, where I could dissociate into another world and vomit some of my true thoughts here and there. A place where I don’t have to hide everything but the things people want to see in me. A place I have complete control over, and where I can do as I please without anyone else dictating my life and my choices.

“You will be attending summer school and taking piano lessons during summer break.”

But I got straight A’s. I’m not interested in playing the piano.

“Can I learn another language instead of piano lessons?”

“You will do both alongside summer school.”

“I—”

“It’s good for you, Shouto. Life isn’t all fun and games. You need to do something with your life, and you should be thanking me. Other kids don’t get these opportunities. I never got these opportunities when I was a kid. Do you understand how lucky you are, Shouto? Stop being ungrateful. This is for you.”

Not everyone wants those things… I asked if I could take a creative writing class outside of school, and you wouldn’t let me, but now you’re making me do these things? That’s what I wanted to do with my life, but you… ‘Stop being ungrateful.’ I guess I’ll at least learn some Spanish.

“Thanks… Can I learn Spanish, then?”

“I've decided that you will learn French.”

Todoroki twisted onto his back and opened his eyes, staring up at the silhouette of the circular ceiling light. He placed his hand on his stomach, tracing each fingertip over the protrusions of his ribs, the depression of his abdomen, and the ghosts of the muscles that once formed a wall around his body. Then, letting out a long sigh, he created a note on his phone and began to type:

The Stained Glass Cup
Peeks from the kitchen cabinet
Like someone watching you
From Who Knows Where.
I run the glass under hot water,
Firmly wiping it with a towel.
The stain smiles back at me.
I scrub with soap and water,
Run it through the dishwasher,
Soak with sizzling baking soda
And every homemade remedy,
Dissolving it with chemicals,
But that damn stain remains.
Wait, there are more stains now.
I scrub the discoloration again,
But this time, the glass snaps
In two. I grab the glass, smashing
It into thin, jagged fragments.
It lies broken among the shards 
Of countless other glass cups
Sitting unchanged in the trash.
Knowing all the stains remain,
I reach for the next peeking cup

I don’t like it, Todoroki realized. Bakugou is a lot better at this than I am. He pulled up the poem Bakugou texted him:

Counting Marks

White paper clawed
With dark red streaks;
Fine-tipped pen dripping
Crimson from the tip;

Masking tape concealing
Faded tally marks.
Peel off the adhesive,
But the stains remain.

Another line slashed
To tally your bullshit.
I'll run out of space
Before you shut up.

I didn’t even realize I basically used the same line that he did… I don’t know what it is, but his is just structured so much better, and it says what it needs in much fewer lines than mine. Wait. I never really analyzed his poem, but now that I look at it… I see. I know what it’s about now. Ah, and every stanza being four lines long with the title… He put thought into this. I…didn’t. I just wrote what I wanted. I hate that I feel similarly to what he wrote, but in a different way. I have no reason to.

I don’t even see a point in living. I don’t want to be alive. It’s nothing but proof that I should’ve died long ago, before I could cause any of the damages I’ve been responsible for. I just live to be someone I’m not, please the people around me, obsess over worthless things, hurt myself, find more reasons to die, waste my time and life on trivial things, and just waste the world’s resources. I fail at everything I try, failing disappoints everyone else, and by the time I’ve finally done the things they want, they don’t want those things anymore—nothing but a waste of time and another definitive failure.

I want to die, but I’m afraid of failing to do it like Bakugou. I’d rather die than have anyone find out I even want to die. But I do… I want to fucking die. Every day… Every day, I fantasize about it. I look for every opportunity to do it. I plan out methods in my head and everything…so why am I still here? I don’t have anything left but this desire I can’t kill and these lies that I’ll pave into the truth. I want to die, but I want to find proof I didn’t live just to die. I want a reason to live. I want those beautiful days back. But it’d be so much easier to end it all. I take up too much space in this world, and yet, I’m also wanted by the people I care about.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I want something, but someone else wants something different. I work to achieve a goal, but I’m wrong for wanting that goal or trying to achieve it. I’m told this, and then I’m told the opposite. I go for one just to have my hand grabbed and taken in the direction of the other. I do something for someone because they imply that I should, and suddenly, I’m doing the wrong thing, but is it for myself or for that person I’m doing it anymore? I don’t know. It’s like being on an endless shopping spree. Even if you get everything on the list, you still disappoint someone. Go back to the store with a new list. Now you got the wrong type, the wrong brand, the wrong color…when they never specified which, but it’s your money that’s going down the drain.

I’m told I’m too heavy, but when I work to shave off the weight and please you, you tell me I’m getting too thin. You’re the reason why I did this, Tenya… I’ve done all this just for you to change your mind? To be angry at what I’ve done? To shun the progress I’ve made for you because of you? What do you want from me? I can’t accomplish both, but I want to keep pursuing the goals I’d set because it’s what I want to do. But that’s wrong of me too, isn’t it? I can’t have anything I want anymore, can I? You’ll tell me something you want me to do instead of what I want, won’t you? Once again, I just have to burn my ego and kill the desires I have. All that matters is what everyone else wants.

Fine. I’m used to holding my tongue for Endeavor. I’m used to never being listened to, and having all my hopes turn into false hope because he’s a hypocrite. I’m used to being the one that has to accept it’s always in the wrong because its father refuses the notion that the adult figure could be wrong against something younger than it. I guess that’s just my punishment for existing. I’m not allowed to be myself. Everyone pushes me to be myself, but I know that the moment I let myself drop the act, they’ll just turn their backs on me, ostracize me, and pin the blame on me, disguising disdain with open arms. That’s always how it goes:

Encourage something with a smile and such reassuring words with an amiable and sincere tone, and lash out and say how wrong it is, how wrong you are, and how selfish you’ve been once you do it.

There’s not even any room for sadness or anger. It’s just laughable how ridiculous it is. I can’t even remember…what being sad or angry feels like. I know how I physically acted as a kid, but even in the most intense moments, the feelings are just a blur. It’s better this way. Ever since I stopped really feeling anything, everything has been so much better. But once I started thinking about things rather than objectively remembering how they went without any second thoughts…something changed. Something changed, and I don’t like it at all. I want to go back. I don’t want to think about these things. I just want to shrug it off like I’ve always done. ‘It doesn’t matter.’

It doesn’t matter, and yet…those are the same things that make me want to escape from this life.

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

It was Saturday afternoon, and Todoroki had just finished stuffing his toothbrush and toothpaste into his side bag. Although he felt a cramped stirring in his gut as he slung his satchel over his shoulder, Todoroki nonetheless made his way to the common area of the dormitory.

I should text Tenya first, Todoroki abruptly realized.

Shouto
I’m leaving with Bakugou now. I’ll see you tomorrow, Tenya. I love you

With a sigh, Todoroki dragged his aching right ankle over to Bakugou, who was standing by the entrance to the building. “Ready?” Todoroki asked, pushing his shoulder against the door.

Bakugou nodded. “No shit,” he spat with a smirk that followed his scowl. “Yer sure you wanna do this?” He slid his hands into his pockets.

“Yer sure you wanna forgive me?”

“Mm. You were drunk.”

You needed an outlet—not a depressant. It’s better than if you’d hurt yourself instead.

“That’s not an excuse… I chose to do that, and then I said those things, and…” Bakugou glimpsed at the bruise on Todoroki’s bare shoulder, gritting his teeth. “It’s not okay, dumbass… I can’t just take things out on you. Now I’m in yer debt again.”

“I think realizing and admitting all that is your greatest takeaway from this. What happened then, if you remember? Consider this paying off your debt.”

“Oi?”

Bakugou scrunched his eyes closed. “Picked a fight… Some of Shitty Hair’s fans came up to me and started saying bullshit. Gaslighting him, using him, never loving him, just wanting his wallet… Shut up when you don’t know a fucking thing!” He curled his hands into fists. “Bashing me for hurting him when you’re the pieces of hypocritical shit attacking me? Fuck off…” He shook his head. “But I’d be the hypocrite to say they weren’t kinda right. That pissed me off. So much…that I engaged them, cuz…I needed something to hate. If I didn’t… Hah. Story of my life.” 

Bakugou exhaled slowly, pausing for a while. “Y’know, it almost pisses me off more that you aren’t like her—telling me this is all my fault, shame on me for losing control, how dare I take things out on people uninvolved, there was nothing for me to get so pissy about in the first place, stop exaggerating, if you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say it at all…without ever knowing why I did. Never caring about why I’m fucked up, and only caring about the messes I make from being fucked up… Why does it piss me off? I realized something I didn’t want to, and that’s somethin’ I’m not gonna talk about.”

“...use. If…to say…whatever.”

Todoroki nodded. “That’s okay.”

“Hah… I hate yer guts. Now c’mere!”

Todoroki flailed as his sides were tickled and his hips were caged by Bakugou’s legs. “Ah! Bakugou! Stop!”

“Nah, you were picking yer fingers the whole way through. Die!”

“Yeah. Iida’s fine with it,” Todoroki finally said, inhaling the cool, crisp air that carried the sweet scent of recent rainfall on it. “I want to see the cat anyway. I’ve never held one before.” He stifled a wince, attempting to minimize the intervals in which his right foot pressed into the concrete.

“The hell were you spaced out for so long for?” groaned Bakugou.

Todoroki offered a sheepish grin. “Remembering something about you. But really, I want to do this.” He nodded. “What’s your cat like?”

“This little fucker is high maintenance,” Bakugou sighed. “He’ll be lying on the floor one second and flying into the curtains the next. He’ll find anything and everything to play with and destroy.” He shook his head. “Anyway, what do you want for dinner?”

I don’t want to throw up at his house, Todoroki thought. I also can’t exercise as much today. I’ll have to make up for it next week. I’ve been trying to make up for this in advance, but it just hurts to see any progress be stunted.

Shrugging, Todoroki unconsciously began to peel a thin flap of skin on the left side of his left thumb. “What do you feel like eating?” He flicked the skin shaving onto the ground, tearing another protruding piece of skin from his thumb.

“I don’t care. Long as you’ll actually eat it.”

“I’ll eat whatever you want.”

“You wouldn’t complain if we had hamburgers?”

Todoroki’s stomach shivered. “No,” he sighed, wincing as the strand of skin he peeled from his thumb began to tear into territory that caused his digit to ooze with blood.

Bakugou arched a brow. “Really?”

In one swift tug, Todoroki ripped off the remaining piece of flesh from his thumb. “Really.” He glanced down at his hands; his left thumb had a small beadlet of crimson growing on the side, and his right thumb and index fingers had splotches of blood clinging to the nail tips.

Narrowing his eyes, Bakugou uttered, “And just so you know, since you’re being cautious and coming with me, I’m gonna be cautious and not let you use the bathroom for a while after dinner.”

I hate you, Bakugou, Todoroki inwardly sighed. I don’t, but you never cease to inconvenience me at every turn. Just like the entire time at the restaurant, and even while we were texting. It was so fucking hard to get out of my futon for that, and then put on the persona you’re used to. I thought for sure I’d fucked up our friendship completely.

But, then again, if I did…would I really be upset?

Todoroki pressed the side of his thumb underneath his belt around his hip, but he began to pick and peel at the skin of his left index finger. “That’s fine with me,” he replied, flinching when he felt something warm clasp onto his right wrist.

With a burning side glare, Bakugou murmured, “‘Kay.” He released Todoroki’s wrist. “Then hamburgers it is. And I expect you to at least eat half of it. You’re starting to get too skinny. You don’t look bad or anything, but you really should be packing some muscle back on.”

And now you want to try to control my life too? Todoroki thought while returning his right hand to his side. I’m not too skinny. Have you even looked at me? I’m still fat. It’s disgusting. I don’t want to eat such fattening food.

“Fatass.”

“I guess,” Todoroki sighed.

“Shouto, you keep losing more weight,” Iida sibilated. “You tell me everything is fine, but clearly, it isn’t. Why? Why are you doing this to yourself? Shouto, I want to help you…”

I can’t tell you. I don’t want you to worry. Stop. Stop being concerned. But…I want that. I want you to do something. You should know by now, Tenya… How…can you still believe me? You’ve seen the signs for a while now. I need you to do something, Tenya.

I need you to stop me.

“I’m just…not hungry. I never feel like eating.”

“I understand, but even when I ensure you’ve eaten, you lose weight regardless. There’s something more going on that you aren’t telling me.”

Todoroki’s chest convulsed with fire as he bent his lips into a somber smile. As if I could tell you the truth… Leave me alone. Our relationship… Where did it go? I barely even spend time with you anymore. I spend so much more time with Bakugou.

“It’s truly noth—”

“Shouto…” Iida curled his arms around Todoroki. “Is there a lot on your plate right now?”

No. Not at all. But I’d rather you think that than think there’s something wrong with me.

“I guess?”

“If you’re too stressed to eat, and stressed to the point of excessively exercising, please talk to me. I love you, Shouto…”

You don’t, do you? Todoroki nodded, returning Iida’s embrace. This is just pity. It’s not any of that, Tenya. Now you probably think I have an anxiety problem. I don’t. I’m never anxious. He pulled away ever so slightly when Iida’s hand slid to his abdomen. Am I enough for you yet, Tenya?

“Shouto…” The next words to fall from Iida’s mouth branded themselves into the folds of Todoroki’s brain. “Are you…throwing up after you eat?”

I can’t stop myself. I can’t. I’m repulsive. Men don’t do this. Men never do this, and yet…

I guess it makes sense since I’m not a ‘man.’

“No.”

Please don’t worry. Please just be your normal self. Please just be happy…and forget about me.

Once Todoroki and Bakugou arrived at Bakugou’s house, Bakugou unlocked the front door and stepped out of his shoes. Todoroki followed suit, closing the door behind him.

“Zeus?” Bakugou called out to the kitten Todoroki had not yet seen.

“Zeus?” Todoroki asked, glancing around the living area. “I’m not particularly surprised that the name has an explosive connotation.”

Bakugou rolled his eyes and walked into the kitchen as the rattling of something plastic and metallic rang through the air. “My old hag named him.” He bent over and scooped up the gray, black, and white Maine Coon kitten nibbling at a plastic ball. “Already causing trouble?” He rubbed his thumb over the cat’s head.

“I guess the name will suit him more when he isn’t a kitten,” Todoroki remarked while Bakugou handed the puddle of monochrome fluff to him. “He’s so tiny. And soft. Am I doing this right?” He adjusted his grip on the squirming furball before swiftly lowering the cat to the floor. 

“He’s the kind that just wants to play all day. But yeah, he’ll be a monster once he’s fully grown.” He turned on the tap to the sink. “When do you wanna eat? I was thinking we’d just order online.”

Todoroki shrugged. “Whenever you’re hungry.” He watched as the Maine Coon kitten bounded out of the kitchen and sprang onto the coffee table in the living area.

“You’re useless with this shit,” Bakugou groaned. “It’s four-thirty. Guess we can order in like forty-five minutes.” He gestured for Todoroki to follow him. “I had a futon shipped here in advance, if you wanna use that.” He opened the white door to his room.

The first thing that captured Todoroki’s attention was an empty bottle of vodka sitting on Bakugou’s desk. The next was Bakugou’s plain white bed with a single pillow and a pale yellow blanket. The beige carpet sank under Todoroki’s weight as he walked up to the vodka bottle and picked it up, presenting it to Bakugou with a deadpan stare.

Bakugou closed his eyes. “Listen, I haven’t been here in months,” he muttered, grabbing the empty bottle and setting it in the bin beside his bed. “Dammit, I forgot to take out the trash too. Tch. I must’ve been drunk when I left. Whatever. I think the futon’s somewhere in the living room.” He pulled open the doors to his closet and reached up to the top shelf, rolling a black blanket out. “Eh?” He tossed the blanket onto the bed and reached for the top of his wardrobe, extracting three joints and a bottle of whiskey. “How much shit did I leave sitting out? Pretty sure I have more alcohol in my dresser too. Yep. For fuck’s sake.”

Todoroki sieved the certificates, gold medals, blue ribbons, and gold trophies lining Bakugou’s wall in front of the desk. Honestly, I’m curious… he thought, turning around to face Bakugou, whose hands were occupied with alcohol and drugs. What’s it like?

“Can I try one?” Todoroki asked with achromatic words.

Bakugou furrowed his brows. “Why?”

“I’m curious.”

Letting out a sigh, Bakugou handed Todoroki a joint. “You promise me yer never gonna do drugs after this, and I’ll give you one just to experience it.” He received a nod in return. “I’m gonna feel hella guilty if you get addicted to this shit. But I don’t want you to try drugs on your own and end up getting ones laced with shit, so I’ll give you this, but I’m only letting you have one. Trust me, Todoroki. Don’t do drugs. When your life is shit, shit fixes like these become addictions just like that. You finally taste a high, and you’ll do whatever it takes to keep scraping for more. Unless the actual problems get fixed, once those addictions form, it seems impossible to stop. So just don’t be stupid like me. Save yourself the hell.”

After flooding his body with the chemicals contained within the joint, Todoroki exhaled slowly. He smacked his lips at the residual taste, and he coughed a bit soon after. Bakugou detailed Todoroki in on more effective ways of achieving the results he presumed Todoroki sought, and thus, Todoroki unabashedly followed Bakugou’s advice and instructions.

Within a few minutes, Bakugou popped open the bottle of whiskey and joined Todoroki. Todoroki could recall Bakugou offering the fresh bottle of whiskey to him, to which Todoroki took up the bottle and poured a waterfall of the cool, burning liquid down his throat. Immediately, Todoroki began to cough and gasp at his sizzling tongue, the back of his throat being savaged by what he described as gasoline, and the residual fumes singeing his sinuses. Bakugou was unable to stifle the cackle that crackled from his throat as he stood up and motioned for Todoroki to follow him back into the kitchen. Bakugou proceeded to pour Todoroki a small glass of whiskey with water added to it.

Then, Todoroki and Bakugou returned to Bakugou’s room. Together, the two intoxicated themselves while polluting the air with a skunk-like scent. Both Todoroki and Bakugou sat atop Bakugou’s bed, remaining silent for quite a while as the chemicals in their bodies circulated through their systems and clung to their stomachs. Only the sounds of their long, hefty breaths, their faint gulps, the sloshing of liquid in a bottle with a long neck, and the whirring of the air conditioning could be heard.

Finally breaking the silence, Bakugou queried, “Feel any different?” He tilted his head and cleared his throat, lowering his joint and setting it beside the empty one he’d gone through.

Todoroki shrugged, staring at a blank section of the wall in front of him. “I guess I feel kind of calm, but at the same time, my heart’s starting to race. It’s like I’m sitting somewhere else, but I’m not there, but I’m not here. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s not bad, I guess. I guess… I don’t know.” The white wall became a slab of snow.

Bakugou let out a soft cackle. “Well, don’t do drugs or get hooked on alcohol. You already know how I turned out. Getting addicted to numbing everything… Ain’t I just running away like a coward?” He cracked his knuckles. “‘Katsuki, it is not okay for you not to feel.’ Right, right… Says the one who laughed at me and recorded me when I was mad or bawling my eyes out, showing all her friends and getting a laugh out of it in front of me. Rain on my parade when I’m happy, tell me to get over it when I’m hurt, throw things at me cuz I was negative…” He took another swig of alcohol. “Yer the opposite of her. Hah.”

A smile wormed its way onto Todoroki’s lips. “Mm…” He stared down at Bakugou’s hand for a few seconds. “Can I have another?” He placed his hand beside Bakugou’s hand like a puppy begging for food.

“Aww, aren’t you cute,” Bakugou chuckled, pushing Todoroki’s hand with his index finger. “No more.” His finger was swallowed up by Todoroki’s hand. “I’m not giving it to you. Probably too much for ya anyway. ‘Sides, you got alcohol in you too.”

Todoroki ran his fingers across Bakugou’s rough knuckles, picturing dunes of sand and ant hills. “I feel like I’m aware of everything going on, yet, like it’s all blurry.” His fingers twined with Bakugou’s fingers, locking their hands into a webbed dome. “Usually, I just feel numb and have no true interest in anything but selfish, trivial, unattainable things. But this is nice… I just feel relaxed, like I’m sitting in a daydream. Your hand is very warm.” He lifted his head when Bakugou placed his hand on Todoroki’s shoulder; Bakugou’s eyes gleamed.

Badump, badump…

“Even if this makes you feel good, there are other ways you can get a natural high,” Bakugou explained with a nod. “Don’t be stupid like me and get artificial ones.” His hand slid from Todoroki’s shoulder to Todoroki’s chest. “Heh, what the hell’s that face?” He leaned forward ever so slightly, scanning Todoroki’s tranquil yet gleeful face. “It’s cute.” His hot, sticky hand tightened around Todoroki’s hand. “Real cute…” Pink mantled his cheeks.

Todoroki offered a soft smile, eyeing Bakugou’s lips. “You’re one of my natural highs,” he whispered, tightening his grip around Bakugou’s fingers as his pulse hastened under Bakugou’s hand. “It feels good.” He couldn’t quite describe the feeling inside him, but his body yearned for physical touch.

His touch is amazing, Todoroki inwardly cheered as the hand on his chest snaked up to his cheek. More. It feels like he’s touching deep into my soul. It feels special. It feels addicting. It feels satisfying.

“You know what’d feel extra good?” Bakugou asked as he and Todoroki slowly leaned closer together.

“A kiss?” Todoroki chuckled, rubbing his cheek against Bakugou’s hand like a cat.

“Damn, ain’t that blunt,” snickered Bakugou, but his smile quickly faded into a vacant yet complex longing as his brows curved down and lowered.

Badump, badump, badump, badump.

Todoroki and Bakugou both tilted their heads, and with labored breaths, they brought their lips together. White passion beamed from their flesh as their hands squeezed together, and before they knew it, their hands began to venture beyond the barriers of clothing. Soft whines escaped their throats between kisses as they gasped for air, soon stripping each other’s shirts off.

Oh, God, it feels so good, Todoroki groaned to himself as Bakugou sank his teeth into Todoroki’s shoulder. Fuck. I want more. It hurts. It’s hot. Everything’s hazy. So distant. So mellow. So burning. It just feels good. Too good. More. Oh, God… He felt Bakugou’s lips envelop his again, immediately forcing another whine from the depths of Todoroki’s being.

Thus, Todoroki was left with pink cheeks, a gleaming, heaving chest, and a white, euphoric haze clouding over his mind. He couldn’t remember what transpired once he and Bakugou slipped back into their shirts, but he could remember Bakugou later dropping a burger wrapped in silver foil onto his lap.

What Todoroki could not forget, however, was taking a bite out of the hot hamburger and melting into the sea of flavors tingling on his tongue; a bed of lettuce created a firm crunch, and the bun smeared with ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, and pickles slowly dissolved into a tangy mush. He’d never tasted a burger as flavorful as the one he began shoving into his mouth before. From what he could recall, he hadn’t been particularly fond of the burgers from the place Bakugou ordered from, but that night, he found himself stuffing every last shred of bun and lettuce into his mouth. The slightly soggy and floppy fries that came on the side were swiftly vacuumed up as well, even though Todoroki had a distinct memory of handing off his fries to Midoriya when he’d last eaten them a year prior.

Did they change the recipe? Todoroki wondered while scrubbing under his nails in the bathroom with the door open at Bakugou’s behest. I’ve never eaten something so damn addicting before. I’m overly stuffed. Just half of the burger was enough, but the whole thing was gone, and then the fries… I feel sick, but it was so good… He pumped more soap into his hands after rinsing off the soap and grease from his second round of intensive scrubbing. Why am I here? Oh. His cat. But sleepy.

When Todoroki returned to Bakugou’s side on the bed, Todoroki ripped away the whiskey bottle in Bakugou’s hand. Todoroki could vaguely remember gulping down the inch-tall disc of alcohol remaining before pushing the bottle onto Bakugou’s desk. Despite Bakugou's irate sputtering, Todoroki curled up at Bakugou’s side and bathed himself in the prominent warmth spilling from Bakugou’s body. 

The next thing Todoroki could remember was waking up on a foreign surface to his futon. Soft, springy, and lumpy, he soon realized the surface he’d been sleeping on was a mattress. His body was heavy, his stomach throbbed, and his mind swirled with a cloudy mist.

Right, I’m at Bakugou’s house, Todoroki realized while inhaling deeply. Wait. Why am I in his bed? He slowly sat upright as a cold sweat enveloped his body. We didn’t… That’s right. Relief surged through his chest like the feeling of moving one’s leg after holding it in one position for an extended period. We only kissed. That was it. I think I’d have gone home and used those jump ropes if we'd done more. But Tenya. How do I explain this? Why did I do that? Why did I make out with another man behind Tenya’s back? I hate myself… I think I’m going to be sick.

Chapter Text

Katsuki Bakugou

Bakugou awoke from his slumber with a film of grease clogging up his brain. He let out a soft grunt and reached for the phone sitting on his bedside table. Squinting his eyes, he checked the time and glanced around the room for Todoroki.

My head’s foggy as hell, Bakugou sighed to himself while forcing his heavy, wobbling body out from under the black and yellow blankets. We got high, drank, ate food, and I guess we both got hella tired. Then, he remembered the sensation of Todoroki’s hot, sweaty body in his arms, and his teeth and tongue scraping into Todoroki’s flesh. Oh, Jesus Christ… I knew this was a horrible idea, but I just didn’t want him to fuck himself up later down the line. Fuck. Where the hell is he?

Peeking past the open door to the bathroom connected to his room, Bakugou turned around and exited his room. He meandered into the kitchen and living area where Zeus was curled into a ball on the gray couch. While walking towards the front door to flick on the exterior house lights, Bakugou noticed that the bathroom to the left of the living area had yellow light pouring out from the closed door.

Bakugou covered his mouth when the sound of gagging filled his ears like a wet clump of maggots. I fucking knew it, he cerebrated, staring at the bathroom door. I mean, could be that he ate too much, or maybe the food and alcohol didn’t sit well with him, but I’m guessing this is self-induced. Goddammit, Todoroki… He flicked his gaze to Zeus. What am I supposed to do? This is awkward for more reasons than one. Should I just leave it be for now, or should I focus on this and pretend like I forgot about all the shit we did? It’s uncomfortable no matter what option I go with.

With a silent sigh, Bakugou took a seat beside Zeus and gently lifted the long-haired kitten into his lap. Guess I’ll give him the option. He has a fucking boyfriend, and we made out. Even if we didn’t have sex or anything, still… He came here to make sure I wouldn’t kill myself or overdose accidentally or intentionally again, and this is what he gets for it? He ran his fingers over Zeus’ soft, silky back. I figured it’d be better to make sure he only had some in moderation rather than letting him try to experiment on his own, but look where that got us. Fucking hell.

“You really think you deserve a relationship with Kirishima when you’re like this?” spat Mitsuki. “All you do is drink and get high with your friends, and when you’re not, you’re glued to your phone.”

Shut up. I wish I had friends. And you say this shit when you never fucking see me. If you’re so pissed about this, then, oh, I don’t know… DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!?

I know I didn’t deserve it…

“Dude,” gasped Kirishima, “I’ve been worried sick! You haven’t answered all day! Something happen?!”

I didn’t want you to be around me. Not when I’m like this.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

I don’t want to burden you. I don’t want you to be exposed to this side of me. Who the hell shoplifts just for the adrenaline rush? No matter how much I destroy myself and the people around me, I can’t break the feelings breaking me. All I can do is temporarily drown them out.

But I might as well be trying to prevent my house from flooding by throwing a few buckets under a massive leak. Bakugou closed his eyes as a series of coughs rattled from the bathroom. They teach you about addictions, drugs, depression, suicide, eating disorders, and all that in school…but they never tell you how to get out of them. ‘Get help.’ ‘Stop.’ ‘You need help.’ ‘Tell someone.’ That’s all they ever say. How? How do you get help? How do you stop? How do you tell someone? How can you even be sure you’re not gonna be shamed just for doing it? It’s not that easy.

It just adds to the shame when you can’t do any of those ‘simple’ things.

“Give me your devices,” barked Mitsuki, who extended her hand to Bakugou with a scowl.

Why!? What the fuck did I do!? This is the third fucking time you’ve taken my shit this month over absolutely nothing!

“Why?”

“Don’t answer my question with a question. You know what you did. Now, Katsuki.”

Shut the fuck up. Not to mention you do that all the goddamn time! Oh, but it’s perfectly fine when you do it!

“Literally what did I do?” growled Bakugou as he handed his phone to his mother.

“What do you think?”

I DON’T FUCKING KNOW! My day was just fine for once in my life until you came along and fucked it all up! ‘It’s all about how you choose to react to things.’ Then tell me why that never applies when you’re the one reacting like a piece of shit!

“I don’t know.”

“You were stomping around like a child and slamming your door.”

YOU MEAN WALKING HOW I ALWAYS FUCKING WALK!? YOU MEAN CLOSING THE DOOR HOW I ALWAYS DO!? FUCK OFF. YOU ALWAYS ASSUME HOW I FEEL, AND YOU’RE ALWAYS WRONG, AND YET I PAY THE PRICE FOR YOUR OWN STUPIDITY THAT YOU THINK IS ‘WISDOM’ FROM THAT GODDAMN ‘DEGREE.’ AND JUST LIKE HOW I KNOW IT’LL GO FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME, I’LL TELL YOU HOW I REALLY FELT, AND YOU WON’T FUCKING BELIEVE ME.

“I wasn’t angry,” Bakugou sighed, clamping down on the apoplectic denigrations pricking his skin. “I was just in a hurry when I got home, and I left the window open, so it made the door slam.”

It should be as simple as that, and you apologize, and it’s all good. But no, such ‘simple’ things don’t fucking exist in my life.

“In a ‘hurry?’ If you’re going to make up excuses, at least make sense, Katsuki. Besides, you sounded like you were going to split the floor in half. I can believe the window being open, but I know you slammed the door anyway from angrily walking to your room.”

Then you had the audacity to exaggerate it by that much, Bakugou scoffed to himself. I only got pissed off because you assumed I was ‘angrily’ doing shit when I wasn’t, and the cherry on top was how you wouldn't believe that I wasn’t angry. And you wonder why I have anger issues. Literally because of you, the biggest mistake here for choosing to have me. God…

For the next thirty minutes, Bakugou felt a sour pang of pain cut through his chest and sink through his ribs each time Todoroki’s gagging and coughing drenched the air. He held fast the numbing reprieve that surfaced when the toilet flushed, and soon, the hiss and splash of water swam into Bakugou’s ears. The water ran for a few minutes before abruptly vanishing into a hazy memory. Moments later, the click of the door ground against Bakugou’s jaws.

“So, what do you wanna talk about first?” sighed Bakugou a few seconds after the bathroom door creaked open. “What happened between us, or this?” He rolled his head back to face Todoroki, who unhurriedly hobbled around the couch with his nose pointed to the floor. “I know all of it’s uncomfortable shit, but it’s gotta happen.” He scooped up Zeus from his lap and lowered the warm, fuzzy feline onto Todoroku’s lap. “Probably the only chance you’ll get to hold him without him squirming away two seconds later.”

Todoroki’s hand trembled as he gently caressed Zeus’ head. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to explain what happened to Iida,” he sibilated, shaking his head. “He already didn’t like how much time I’d been spending with you. I love him… Why did I do this to him behind his back? I suggested it—all of it. Why?” He placed his hand on his forehead, pulling back his hair.

Bakugou’s eyes flicked to the white rug under his feet. “You weren’t in a state to be making choices,” he murmured, clenching his hands as another image of Todoroki’s shirtless form besieged his mind. “That ain’t something I can really work out with you. Guess the question is if you still wanna be friends after that.”

“I do, even if things will never be completely the same.” Todoroki paused. “I guess it’s just an incentive for me to never drink or get high again. And I’m sorry this happened when you’re interested in me. It must hurt, and maybe it was a false sense of hope in the moment. It just felt good. I can look past it because it’s entirely my own fault, but I think the better question is if you still want to be friends.”

I don’t want that. I want to be more than that, dumbass. And it hurts. I know I don’t deserve you anyway, but fuck…

Lifting his head, Bakugou nodded. “Yeah. And… Tch. It’s also my fault for letting you get into all this shit.” He eyed Todoroki’s neck, and what awaited him was a plethora of purple splotches. “If you ask Ponytail for some makeup, I can try to make it blend in.”

Todoroki shrugged. “Maybe.” His eyes fell to Zeus.

The silent tension in the room began to strangle Bakugou’s lungs. It’s so fucking awkward, he thought while observing as Todoroki began to pick at his left forefinger. He didn’t even do it because he wanted to be with me. We were just two gay idiots doing stupid, gay things. I can’t help but wish he meant it. It’s killing me that, even after getting a taste of him, I still can’t have him. I only want him more now, knowing how good it felt. How shitty am I for having a part of me that wishes he’d break up with Glasses? I should just be happy he’s even in a loving relationship. He gently placed his hand on Todoroki’s hand.

“Is that a nervous habit or something?” Bakugou asked, withdrawing his hand.

Todoroki shook his head. “I do it no matter what’s going on. It’s usually unconscious until I start drawing blood.” He rotated his thumb, which was speckled with flecks of open, pink flesh, dark brown scabs, and jagged barriers where large pieces of skin had been torn off. “I can’t stand being able to feel the slight bumps or see those tiny, sliver-like pieces of skin sticking out. I have to peel it off. I want it all to be uniform, but obviously, peeling just makes it worse.” He tucked his left hand under his leg when he began to pick at his fingers again. “That was unconscious.”

At least he’s talking about it, but it’s probably just buying time, Bakugou thought. Kinda sounds like it could be a form of OCD. He does also wash his hands a lot, but that’s one of the classic stereotypes, so I don’t know.

Bakugou ran his fingers over the leathery cushion of the couch beneath him. “Seems hella infuriating when it’s a self-sustaining cycle like that. You want it to be perfect, or the way you want it to be, but as long as you keep trying to make it right, it’s never gonna be right.”

Todoroki nodded. “That’s actually very accurate. It drives me crazy sometimes. I don’t know what the right word is, but I almost feel upset when I know there’s some skin not how I want it. So, I start peeling it, but it makes it worse, and I start doing it more, and the feeling just intensifies. And in the end, my fingers always bleed.” He pursed his lips once he started using his right thumb to pick at his right middle finger. “I can’t stop.”

“Damn. So, doing it and also not doing it makes you uneasy?”

“I guess so.”

“I see. Well, a therapist might be able to pin down the causes and triggers, and find ways to try and break the habit.”

Todoroki was silent for a while. “Maybe.”

“Have you used any substances this week?” asked Saiji.

Bakugou exuded his silence for quite a few seconds. “Maybe.”

“How come?”

“I don’t know.”

“Did something happen with your mom?”

“Just…remembered somethin’ about her.”

I’m not admitting that I cried then. I know you’re gonna ask what happened. How do I say it without saying the whole thing?

“Would you mind sharing?”

Bakugou stared at the floor that was splashed with a glittering pane of tangerine. “Long time ago, she came to watch me during a track and field event. I was getting over the flu, school was crushing me, and people were starting to treat me like shit and spread rumors that I was gay, so I was fucked up in more ways than one. Needless to say, I did shit. And I was upset I even had to go—old hag forced me to, knowing I was still fucked up from being sick. Couldn’t even eat that day. Still just acted like I always did during events, though.

“After bombing the hundred-meter dash and feeling like I was gonna vomit and pass out, I went to sit down and get water. Tch. She started chewing me out and screaming at me in front of everyone there. My coaches, classmates, everyone… Telling me how I was a ‘bitch’ and how fucking horrible I was… ‘Disrespecting’ my school, ‘choosing’ to be grumpy and not give it my all… Hah… Motherfucker went through the trouble to tell my dad to take away all my things before she even started her lecture bullshit. 

“Detailed me and everyone around us on how I was a ‘selfish piece of shit’ and ‘rude, bratty bitch’ that was gonna be grounded, have their devices smashed, never have any privacy… Kh.” Bakugou’s chest sank into a burning lake of stomach acid. “I can’t even remember most of it… I know there was a fuck ton more. Threatening me with all this shit, yelling about how fucking horrible, shitty, and selfish I was, spitting out all my punishments and why I was getting them…in front of everyone. Everyone!

“And over what?!” Bakugou grit his teeth, lowering his head as his eyes were seared by a torrent of emotion. “Why?! And I was trying to hide how fucking shitty I felt! Motherfucker slapped me in front of all those people too. Why?! How could you?! You didn’t even care that I was sick and not doing okay, but I gave it my all anyway and let you have your way, despite it all. You could see I was struggling, no matter how hard I tried to hide it when I was running. ‘It’s your fault if your team loses.’ I just… How… How could you?”

Everyone saw me break down into tears. No one did anything. They all just watched. I cried in front of all those fucking people… Do you understand…how much that fucked me up?

It was then that Bakugou felt the soft dampness clinging to his knees and thighs, and the liquid snakes slithering down his cheeks. Yet, he curled his fingers into his jeans and pulled back his lips. Before Saiji could finish asking if what happened hurt, Bakugou hissed:

“I hate you…”

Just like then, I’m crying for no reason. I’m not sad. I’m just angry. That’s all…so why am I crying?

“It was painful, wasn’t it?”

Another wave of warmth trickled from Bakugou’s eyes as he shook his head. “I’m just…angry. Whatever… I don’t… I don’t fucking care…”

No, I just don’t want to admit it, Bakugou realized. It did hurt. I can’t even be honest with myself about it. I know… I know, dammit. But there’s no way I could ever admit that all this rage has just been a lid to seal the truth. It’s not. I never felt anything but anger. Deep down, I know I’m just lying to myself. 

But all I can do is keep deceiving myself until it’s the truth so I can run away like the coward I am.

It has to be anger, Bakugou thought while watching Todoroki wordlessly knead his fingers through the fur covering Zeus’ neck. Cuz if it wasn’t… He let out a sigh. And this fucker still won’t talk. It’s almost too awkward to say anything now.

Then, Bakugou shifted his jaw and crossed his legs, and with coruscating, needle-like words, he uttered, “So, was this enough time to think of an excuse for throwing up?”

Chapter Text

Katsuki Bakugou

Todoroki lowered his brows. “I don’t appreciate the accusation.” He rubbed the bend of his index finger over Zeus’ head. “I just didn’t feel good after all that. I still don’t.”

Bakugou cocked his head, narrowing his crimson eyes. “Yeah? I don’t appreciate how you lie to my face about everything while telling me I shouldn’t lie.” His voice was like a charred bone. 

Keeping his gaze on Zeus, Todoroki muttered, “It’s usually the truth. Like now.”

Bakugou rolled his eyes and expelled an exasperated sigh. “Uh-huh. Right. It seemed self-induced to me.” The shadows of his eyelids slithered deeper into his red irises.

“It wasn’t. Why would I do that?”

“To cut the calories.”

“Go through all that effort to drop a negligible amount of calories?”

“Ain’t negligible for how little you eat.”

“Don’t skew your image of me to be someone with an eating disorder. I eat plenty.”

“Sounds like even more of an incentive to purge it all.”

Todoroki let out a sigh. “Believe what you will. I can tell I’m not changing your mind.”

“Cut the bullshit and just get this shit off your chest,” Bakugou grumbled.

“No.”

“Why?”

“You don’t need to know.”

Bakugou dug his nails into his palms. “Then you need to get help. If you don’t, I’m doing it for you.”

Visibly discountenanced, Todoroki shifted his position, but he did not speak. He parted his lips, but he glanced away and sealed his lips together.

You’re pissing me off so goddamn much, Todoroki. But at the same time, I get it. You’re doing exactly what I did to you.

“Do you not trust anyone to know?” Bakugou asked, gritting his teeth when Todoroki shook his head. “Are you afraid of being vulnerable?”

No one ever sees how fucking weak I really am. If I let myself be weak, all faith would be lost in me. That’s all they’d see anymore. All that would matter would be those flaws I’m trying so hard to fix.

And then you humiliated me in front of all those people…

Todoroki shook his head. “I’m not talking about it.”

“Why?”

“I’m not obligated to tell you anything.”

Bakugou could feel crescent blades beginning to puncture his palms. “Do you understand how selfish this is?!” he snarled, baring his teeth. “Are you sure Glasses really loves a shallow, lying motherfucker like you?! When you don’t say anything about yourself, you might as well be telling even the people you love that they aren’t good enough to know you. That no matter how much they care about you, you’re never gonna reciprocate any true bonding and care. That really, you don’t care about them as much as they think you do, because all you’re giving them is your bullshit!”

And now I’m just doing the same bullshit she does to me, Bakugou hissed at himself. Why am I so bad at trying to say how I feel? Oh, that’s right. It’s because of you.

Todoroki shook his head with a broken, quaking smile. “You’ve got it all wrong…” he whispered, finally turning to face Bakugou. “I’m doing this because I care.”

“Really? So you’re saying who you really are is so sick and fucked up that you’re trying to do everyone a favor and conceal that person? Hah. Then show me. Prove to me you’re a sick, reprehensible piece of shit. If you’re that sick, you’d be doing it all for personal gain. So, you can’t possibly be as bad as you make yourself out to be.”

Todoroki closed his eyes. “I don’t know anymore, Bakugou,” he sibilated under his breath. “I just can’t.” He pushed out a protracted sigh. “Even if I wanted to, I’d fail to find the words, and by the time I might’ve been able to do that, it’d be too late. Besides, it’d only end up as a regret.”

I knew I’d regret so much as going into the kitchen when you were there, but shame on me for wanting to think that things would be different this time! Not even thirty seconds there, and you were taking your anger out on me, despite how you always fucking burn into my head how it’s never okay to take my anger out on anyone! And the one time I called you out on your bullshit, you smashed my phone and yelled at me for an hour about how ungrateful and bitchy I was.

And you wonder why I never leave my room and never wanna be around you.

A revelation scorched Bakugou’s sternum as his ire began to cool. Did he try opening up in the past, and it left him broken? If it’s something like that, I’m starting to understand. It’d explain a fuck ton. But he opened up about shit to Deku, and he didn’t know the nerd at all. 

“Why would it be a regret?” Bakugou inquired, softening his words. “Did that happen in the past?”

“Kind of.” Todoroki’s empty eyes peered down at the warm, purring Maine Coon in his lap.

“Kind of?”

“I’ve already said too much.”

Something hot writhed in Bakugou’s chest. “I’m not letting you leave until you say at least a little about it.” His stomach tightened when Todoroki’s vacant expression morphed into a thin smile.

“I see. So you just want to break me so you can force your ‘help’ onto me and tell me ‘I told you so’ with some holier-than-thou bullshit when you caused the whole fucking problem?” Todoroki leaned back against the couch. “I should’ve known. What else did I expect? I thought maybe you’d understand more than some other people, but you’re exactly the same. I’m sick of it.” He covered his face with his hands, slowly dragging his fingertips down. “Or maybe you are different. Maybe you want to make me vulnerable so you can try to win me over from Tenya. Maybe you set all this up to try and play the hero and do something Tenya couldn’t. How does it feel to have such damning assumptions thrown in your face? Because if you deny it, I don’t know if I can believe you.

“You’re just as guilty. How does it feel to be in a position where, no matter what you say, it doesn’t fucking matter, and the only thing people want is to be right about you, even if they’re completely wrong? Everyone makes assumptions, and everyone wants to assume they’re right about something for the self-gratification of it, whether or not they’ll admit it or even be aware of it. In the end, they’re always ‘right,’ and you’re always ‘wrong.’ Even when they couldn’t be more wrong, they won’t believe you. All you can do is bite your tongue and accept it. No explanation can change their minds. They don’t know the first thing about you, and yet, they think they know everything, no matter how wrong it is.”

Bakugou bit his lower lip as he digested Todoroki’s jagged words. So, he finally broke and stopped giving ambiguous answers. This is how he thinks? Jesus Christ. No wonder he’s like this. It’s obviously happened a lot—so much that this is ingrained in him. This makes so much more sense. Damn. I understand now…

“You know, you’re so much nicer to me when I take all your devices. Maybe I should smash them all again.”

YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING STIPULATION FOR GETTING THEM BACK WAS BEING NICE TO YOU! AND YOU’RE A GODDAMN PSYCH MAJOR?! EVEN AN ELEMENTARY KID COULD TELL YOU HOW BULLSHIT THAT IS.

I hate these fucking flashbacks, Bakugou snarled to himself while Todoroki vacantly stared down at Zeus. I’ll never forgive myself for being so fucking weak that I cried over remembering shit in front of Saiji. He sieved Todoroki’s blank expression. You can’t be yourself either, can you? You can’t say or express your true thoughts or feelings. Cuz if you do…

“How was school, Katsuki?”

They’re all making fun of me for crying because of you at the track meet yesterday. ‘Pushover.’ ‘Weak.’ ‘Pathetic.’ That motherfucker who got up in my face and started imitating you with that mocking, domineering tone… How worthless am I for shoving him into a desk, calling him a worthless waste of my time, and then ditching school to go fucking cry again?

“Shit,” Bakugou spat, immediately walking past Mitsuki for his room.

“No, you get back here this instant, Katsuki Bakugou,” snapped Mitsuki. “Do you think this behavior is okay? Because it’s not, and I’ve had it, Katsuki. What did we talk about? You have no excuse for coming home angry and negative every single day!”

I’M BEING HUMILIATED AT SCHOOL BECAUSE OF YOU, AND YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO SAY THAT TO ME?! EVEN BEFORE YOU DID THAT, I’VE HAD TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE TELLING ME TO KILL MYSELF FOR BEING GAY! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ASK ME HOW ANYTHING WAS JUST TO GET PISSED OFF IF I DIDN’T HAVE A GOOD TIME? WHY ARE YOU PISSED OFF AT ME FOR GIVING YOU AN HONEST ANSWER WHEN YOU’RE THE ONE WHO KEEPS FUCKING ASKING WHEN YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT THE ANSWER IS? IT’S NEVER CHANGED. EVER!

“Oh, so it’s illegal not to enjoy every fucking thing in my life?!”

“Do not talk to me like that, Katsuki. By the way, I took all your things while you were gone, and you won’t be getting them back for a long time. You don’t have to enjoy everything—don’t put words in my mouth—but you don’t need to be negative about it all the time. It’s your choice not to look at the positives. I’m not doing this to you—you’re bringing this all onto yourself. And just because you said that so angrily, and I’m already in a bad mood, you’re grounded too.”

What the fuck? Are you fucking kidding me? So it’s fine when you lash out, when you’re pissed off the whole day, when you take your anger out on me and blame me, when you say nothing but negative shit… You never get punished or acknowledge your own hypocrisy. But I do it one time, and you take my whole life away and tell me it’s my fault when I was answering your question honestly?! You’re the one who praised me when I was honest as a kid! You’re the one who told me to be myself!

Despite the impulse to vociferate the thoughts screeching through his mind, Bakugou swallowed down his voice and cut it free from himself in the form of a red, writhing liquid.

I get you, Todoroki. That’s something you wish you could say to the people who hurt you, isn’t it? Something you’ve just had to keep inside, no matter how much you wish you could say it to them. Okay…

Blinking back into the tide of reality, Bakugou placed his hand on Todoroki’s shoulder. “I see where you’re coming from now,” Bakugou sighed. “You were never allowed to be yourself. Sounds like you got branded the victim or the one at fault only when it benefited those around you, or it agreed with what they thought. That’s fucked up. You’ve kept this all in because you figured history would just repeat itself? Can’t blame you. It’s hell when people wanna think they know more about you than they actually do.”

Todoroki shrugged. He briefly made eye contact with Bakugou before averting his gaze to Zeus.

And now if you agree with what I said, you’d just be seen as selfish, huh? I get it… But the fact that he can keep a cool head pisses me off. I can’t, no matter how hard I try. Destroy my body before the lid completely blows, but the heat just keeps rising.

Bakugou relaxed his arms and legs, expelling a sigh. “‘Damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ situation, eh?” He frowned at the subtle smile tugging at Todoroki’s lips. “Same thing with my old hag.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Bakugou squinted his eyes. “If you talk about your shit.” He sighed again when Todoroki nodded slowly. “I’m a piece of shit for having emotions, and then I’m a piece of shit for drowning them all because I was a piece of shit for having them to begin with.” He clicked his tongue. “All my feelings got invalidated, spurned, laughed at, scoffed at, whatever. Drown ‘em all, and suddenly, I’m a piece of shit for that too. The fuck do you want from me?”

And it pisses me off that much more because you’re a psych major, and you have the audacity to flaunt it, use it to stroke your ego, and decide that having the degree makes what you think right. What do we know? We aren’t the ones with the degrees. Fuck off. You’re the one who gets pissed off at her kid and chews him out and takes all his things because he was listening to music while doing homework!

“That’s awful…” Todoroki finally remarked in a low voice. “I can see why you find that the ‘lesser of two evils’ here is trying to suppress everything. It hurts less when you can’t feel the pain.” He lifted his chin, facing Bakugou.

“Tch. Exactly. Can’t hurt me if I don’t feel shit.” Bakugou glimpsed at the bruises splattered across Todoroki’s neck. “But I know that’s also just making an even bigger problem. Whatever. You talk now.”

Todoroki audibly exhaled, sinking back against the couch. “In the end, no one is selfish…except for me. I just have to go with the flow, pretending to be oblivious to any hypocrisy, regardless of how unfair it might be. They’ll tell you to speak up and state your opinion or what’s on your mind, and that if something doesn’t work, things can be worked out. But the second you take them up on that offer, you’re selfish, ungrateful, and rude. 

“They’ll stop you before you can explain yourself, listen without listening since they never would’ve considered anything different despite what they assured you of, take what you said as fuel for some other future instance where they can find a way to turn your words against you, promise something will be worked out just to backstab you and act as if they never said any of the kind things they did… They’ll do anything to blame you and never take any of the blame. Always…

“Yet, they’re the very same people who might as well be guiding you to the gates of Hell and then wondering how you got there, blaming you as if they weren’t the ones to push you down that path and watch everything unfold. Then, by the time you’re at Death’s doorstep, they shame you for being there, expecting you to grovel at their feet for telling you how horrible you were to go down that path—the path that they sent you down—as if they’re saving you. 

“But once you try and crawl your way out, you’re shamed for that too, and in the end, it’s all your fault, you’re selfish, and all you can do is play along with it and let them have what they want.” Todoroki shook his head. “And usually, all over some false assumptions about you, but they won’t believe that they’re wrong.” His eyes were frigid claws ripping through Bakugou’s chest. “They’ve chosen your own thoughts and feelings. You have no right to correct them. Are you satisfied now?”

Damn, was Bakugou’s first thought as Todoroki’s vitriol-soaked words sizzled through his core. I really did not expect all that to come out of his mouth. I know what he means. Probably not as well as he does, but I get it…

“Katsuki, you’re making me mad. You are not skipping your therapy appointment again. Do you hear me?! Your dad and I have to pay for those, and as always, you can’t even be grateful that we put you in therapy. Not everyone even has access to it. This is a privilege.Do you know how hard it is to get a therapist? How expensive it is? What we went through to get one immediately just for you? If you hadn’t been so selfish, we wouldn’t have had to do this. 

“But you think it’s okay not to show up, and to defy us when we tell you to go. You’ve only been a few times. It can’t possibly be as bad as you say. We’re doing what’s best for you. You’re being selfish, rebellious, and rude, Katsuki. It’s unacceptable. And frankly, I’m over it. This is childish behavior. Are you five? Do we need to spank you and put you in the corner again? If you’re going to act like a child, we’ll treat you like one.”

Oh, yeah, and you’re the one telling me that no one is ‘making me’ mad, and I’m just ‘choosing’ to be angry, ‘blaming’ other people, ‘deciding’ to react negatively… But I’m just exaggerating. I’m just projecting. I’m just a piece of shit for not being grateful that you forced me into this against my will when I’m even worse because of it. You don’t even care. Stop pretending like you’re saving me when you put me here, and things never had to be like this, but you had to fuck everything up and be a selfish piece of shit that couldn’t be bothered to hear me out.

You say you listened to me. No, you didn’t. And now you’re just mocking me and calling me childish when I’d rather fucking die than do this shit anymore… This bullshit you call ‘necessary’ when you’re the one who needs it the most. You tell me everyone needs therapy, but you won’t even consider doing it too. You don’t even know what it’s like, but you have no problem telling me I exaggerate how bad it is. It makes me wanna die even more, but you don’t care. You know best. I’m just rebellious. Sorry I’m ‘childish’ for protecting myself.

Clearing his throat, Bakugou finally replied, “That’s fucked up. If yer able to, ditch the fuckers doing this to you. The red flags are off the charts, and in general, that’s just a hella toxic environment to be in. You shouldn’t have to hold your tongue and be gaslit into both doing it and not doing it. God… Just so you know, yer one of the least selfish people I know.” He nodded and met Todoroki’s empty eyes. “And I make the assumptions I do because I don’t know jack shit about you, but I’m not heartless. 

“It’s not cuz I wanna be right. I mean, yeah, it’d be gratifying if I were, but I’m making these assumptions to try and help you. Cuz I don’t think you realize how much you’re destroying yourself. If you swear you’ll be honest and explain why you’ve been losing so much weight, I will listen, Todoroki. I’m not gonna tell anyone else. I’m not gonna try to turn your words against you. I’m not gonna try to force you to say anything. Unless you tell me the truth, all I can do is make assumptions. The choice is yours…”

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

The last time I was told reassuring words like that, I paid the price for choosing to believe them, Todoroki reminded himself after Bakugou allowed Todoroki to make his decision on what to say. Was it so wrong that I wanted to believe my boyfriend? That I wanted to be wrong for once, and I was ready to be proven wrong? That I was starting to change, and I was starting to force myself out of my comfort zone? Even the person I decided to try opening up to because I loved him did the same things as everyone else… But I can’t say a thing. I’m not allowed to object or be upset. I really am just an animal.

It’s fine if you don’t hold up your end of the deal that you made for ‘my sake’ because I’m too stupid to understand—incapable of it. I’m expected to give unconditional love no matter what, and I simply won’t remember any bad things you’ve done to me. I was bred for perfect traits and born to obey the life I have no say in. If you’re this unhappy with me, if you just keep putting my toys in sight but just out of my reach, if you keep dangling treats over my head just to take them away and yell at me… If I’m that defective, worthless, and burdensome to you…please just euthanize me already.

Todoroki took a deep breath in. “I’m grateful you’re trying to be considerate, but I’m not saying anything. I’d rather you continue making assumptions.” He deftly stroked his hand through the warm fluff on Zeus’ neck.

Bakugou held his breath for a few seconds before exhaling sharply. “I don’t even wanna know how much emotional trauma you’ve been through to get to this point. But fine. Since yer not gonna talk about it, lemme just tell you that you are never going to be satisfied with your body if you keep going down this path.”

I know I’ll never be satisfied, but I want to prove myself wrong. Todoroki was silent, espying the white stack of coasters on the dark brown coffee table. I want it to be enough. I want to know my efforts weren’t wasted, and the pain wasn’t for nothing. He closed his eyes. Everyone says life will be worth it, to just keep at it, and to never give up on yourself or your dreams. Tell me that when you aren’t towering over me with all your success and happiness. Because I’ve dreamed, believed, kept at it, and followed my dreams…I had it all taken away from me and used against me.

If I knew this was how it would be, I wish I’d never had any dreams so I’d have nothing to lose and nothing to be backstabbed with.

After a few moments of silence, Bakugou stood up and gestured for Todoroki to follow him. Todoroki placed Zeus on a gray, velvety pillow before returning to Bakugou’s room.

“There’s no way in hell living like this makes you happy,” sighed Bakugou as Todoroki sat on the bed. “Is this how you wanna live the rest of your life? Feeling fat, always wanting to lose weight, skipping meals, not letting yourself eat unhealthy things unless someone else forces you to, making yourself throw up, watching how much you eat, and probably obsessing over it all? Doesn’t it get tiring and painful? Don’t you wanna find some other way to be happy with your body?”

I do, but I can’t fucking stop myself anymore, Todoroki wanted to vociferate. I’m so sick of being trapped in this cycle. I thought I could control it, but now, it’s the one controlling me. He opened his mouth, but as he scavenged for something to say, he provided a shrug.

Bakugou growled, “So you wanna stay like this?” His words were matches to the gasoline in Todoroki’s veins. “You wanna suffer alone forever? This is how much you hate yourself?”

Lowering his gaze, Todoroki uttered in a low, somber whisper, “That’s not it at all.” He lifted his head and swiftly stitched a smile onto his face. “I am happy with my body. You don’t need to keep worrying about me.” He nodded.

Bakugou slammed his hand against the wall above Todoroki’s shoulder. “If you really care about your friends, stop giving them more reasons to worry by pretending to be fine and normal when you aren’t.” His voice was like a plume of smoke from a gun. “How’d you feel when I kept saying I was fine, and then I tried to kill myself twice? If I’d died, how would you have felt knowing that you could’ve prevented it if I’d just been honest?” He scrunched his expression into a lour.

It’d just be better if I died, Todoroki told himself while Bakugou sat beside him. I hurt everyone when I lie, and I hurt everyone when I don’t. I wouldn’t have to wake up anymore. I wouldn’t obsess over food, exercise, calories, and my weight. I wouldn’t have to listen to the random urges to just slit my wrists and let it all be over. No school. No worries. No pain. Nothing. He rested his hand on Bakugou’s shoulder.

“Please don’t ever die on me,” Todoroki said in a strained huff. “I want to continue bickering and hanging out with you in the future.”

Bakugou closed his eyes and let out a brisk snort of air from his nose. “Always helping everyone but yourself. Geez. If you really wanna make me happy, then, for once in your life, would you try making yourself happy? Do something you like.” He tossed his hands to the side with a shrug.

I don’t know how to feel happy. I don’t know what I like. I don’t know what I truly want. Even those romantic moments with Tenya are becoming things I don’t want. It has to be a lie. The number of times you haven’t kept to your word, you’ve told me one thing just to change your mind like that, you’ve implied I’m flawed, just… I love you, Tenya. I do. But…

You were right.

“I’ll try,” Todoroki replied. “But do you really think… Never mind.” He plastered on a microscopic smile. “Let’s throw out the alcohol and drugs.”

Do you really think I deserve any happiness when existing is all it takes for me to hurt everyone?

Bakugou crossed his arms. “Yeah, fine. Bet you can see why it’s so easy to get hooked when you’re not in a good state of mind.” He walked over to the bin that had a layer of foil, grease-soaked papers, and another plastic bag sitting on top. “You actually did eat everything.” He tied up the garbage bag over the clank of empty glass bottles.

I really can, Todoroki thought while tearing off a flake of skin from his left index finger. I won’t do it again, though. Lose weight, gain weight, eat less, eat more, do what you want, but actually, I’ll decide what you do instead…

“Are you interested in being a part of a play this summer?” asked Endeavor.

“Maybe?”

“All right. It’s your choice, Shouto. Remember that.”

As summer approached, Todoroki could hear Endeavor speaking to Fuyumi. “No, Shouto won’t be home. He’ll be working on a play over break. It’s from eight to four every day.”

“I don’t want to do that,” Todoroki chimed in.

Endeavor rolled his eyes and let out a sigh of disdain. “What do you mean? You told me ‘yes’ before.”

“No, I didn’t. I—”

“Too bad. I already signed you up. You need to spend your summer doing something productive anyway.”

You told me it was my choice, and I never said I wanted to… Why? Why did you sign me up without giving me the choice like you said I had? My entire break…

I can’t even choose my own bedtime. Not even during breaks. What point—

“Oi, can you carry—”

Smack!

All Todoroki could do was watch as the glass bottle that was once gripped in the hand above his head collided with the carpet, letting out a muffled thud and tunk. His heart was a frenetic animal in its death throes, and his entire body was consumed by a cold, bitter paralysis.

“All the misfortune that’s been coming my way is all your fault, Shouto!”

Crash!

Todoroki parted his lips, but he was unable to cough up any words as he met Bakugou’s wide, scarlet eyes, and twitching, furrowed brows. He glanced at the bottle on the floor, and then, back at Bakugou. As a swirling mix of thoughts muddled together in his mind, his body was clawed down by sour waves of heat.

Then, Todoroki brusquely formed a smile and pushed out a faint chuckle. “Sorry, you startled me.” His pulse squirmed through his eyeballs.

Bakugou set the garbage bag in his hand on the floor and sat beside Todoroki on the bed. “Y’know, you just make it more obvious you’re hiding something when you start smiling and chuckling way more often like this.”

Again with the clashing ideals. What do you want? I can’t fulfill them all.

Todoroki retained his plastic smile. “That’s just my first reaction. Really.”

It’s not a lie. I can’t stop the fake smiles and fake reactions, even if I never feel the way they’d imply.

“If you show anyone that resting bitch face,” hissed Endeavor while pointing at Todoroki’s face, “I’ll make sure you hate your punishment.”

This is my normal expression… It’s been my normal expression for years. Why is it suddenly a problem when it was never one before?

“Takes a liar to know a liar,” Bakugou sighed, tilting his head. “Turn towards me.”

Doing as instructed, Todoroki turned his body to face Bakugou. “Wh—”

Todoroki’s pale, withering body was ensconced into a robust pair of arms, a wide chest, and a fervently-beating heart. He flinched, swallowed up by dubiety as the arms around him held him fast. Yet, he felt something deep inside him begin to shake and crack.

“It’s okay…you dumbass,” Bakugou whispered, pulling Todoroki into his chest. “Whatever you’re going through, it’s gonna get better. But you gotta be the one to decide to try and make it better. I know it’s hell when you can’t really get away from the people fucking you up, though.” His hands were butter butterflies around Todoroki’s sides. “It’s hard…isn’t it? Like yer trapped. Like you can’t breathe. Like even if you wanna scream, your voice won’t come out.”

Slowly wrapping his arms around Bakugou, Todoroki listened to Bakugou’s breaths. It’s just like that. It’s exactly like that… It’s also like there’s a pair of hands wrapped around my snout. I want to escape, but I also deserve to keep hurting myself since I was stupid enough to drive myself into this corner. I’m tired. I’m so tired, Bakugou… I know I’m loved. I know that. But I can’t accept it. I can’t bring myself to truly believe it. I’m useless. I’m pathetic. I’m selfish. I’m not really needed, no matter how much anyone insists that I am.

Bakugou continued, whispering, “Whatever you feel… Listen, it’s valid. It’s your pain—no one else’s.” He nodded. “I won’t judge you, ‘kay? Yer not alone, and your words haven’t fallen on deaf ears. Your words aren’t just flecks of dust to be swept away, or the nails in your own coffin. Anyone who thinks or treats you otherwise doesn’t deserve you. Hear me? You better have, or I’ll tickle you ‘til the sun comes up.” He pulled back and cracked a smirk.

You say I’m always there for you, Todoroki thought while plastering on a smile in return, but it’s the other way around. Even when I try to help others, I can’t even do that right. I cheated on my boyfriend because of it. I left you with a guilty conscience because of it. I disobeyed my father again because of it. And yet I have the audacity to complain that I’m the only one that’s selfish. I knew I shouldn’t have spoken. I never learn. Once again, I’m just being an attention whore and a narcissist. I hate myself.

Todoroki melted back into the sugar-scented warmth of Bakugou’s arms. I deserve to starve. I deserve to be punished just for existing. I deserve to hurt myself. I deserve to be toyed with and taken advantage of. I deserve to be dumped and to lose all my friends. He listened to Bakugou’s deep, steady breaths. Despite that, and despite how I deserve to die, I’m so fucking selfish that I can’t bring myself to try out of the fear of failure. Here I am, leeching off his kindness like a newborn to milk. I just…

I want to fucking die…

“And just so you know,” murmured Bakugou, “I know Glasses loves you. Long as yer happy with him…I’ll be content. Heh.” He paused. “Neither I nor Shitty Hair were happy with each other, at some point. I think we both knew things were gonna end, but we kept hanging on. Or I was just making him feel too guilty to leave when he should’ve. I wanted to love him like he deserved, but I couldn’t, and I knew I couldn’t the moment we got together. But I wanted to think it’d fix me. 

“I was so fucking lonely. I was so fucking desperate to have someone there for me. I needed that thing to hold on to and center my world around, cuz without that…” Bakugou let out a sigh. “But it wasn’t fair to him, and I treated him like shit. I knew I would…but I wanted to believe I was stronger than that. I wasn’t. I’m still not. Be grateful yer with Glasses, cuz if you were with me, I’d make you regret it.” Despite Bakugou’s baritone utterance, his words carried an eerie wind of levity with them.

Am I even happy with Tenya? Todoroki realized, tightening his embrace around Bakugou. No. Don’t question it. There’s no reason for me not to be. Don’t. Stop trying to make me feel better. Not after what I’ve done to you all. I don’t want this. I don’t want reasons to be forgiven. I don’t want reasons to live. I don’t want reasons to fuel my ego. I like it more when you yell at me and call out my bullshit. I don’t want you to be kind to me. Even if it’s selfish of me again…

I want to be the target of your rage for validation to finally end this.

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

It was early March, a bit over five weeks after Todoroki spent the night at Bakugou’s house, and Todoroki had yet to inform Iida of what transpired between himself and Bakugou. Todoroki had lost seven more pounds, and he’d been personally escorted to Recovery Girl by Aizawa three weeks prior. Recovery Girl verbally and physically assessed Todoroki for potentially having an eating disorder, and although Todoroki primarily prevaricated while being asked questions about his mental health, his physical condition did not lie. However, Todoroki still had yet to be diagnosed with an eating disorder.

Todoroki was visited at his dorm by each of his classmates at least once, but as his classmates began to reach out to him more often, Todoroki found himself leaving his dorm even less often. Moreover, Todoroki began to ignore most of the calls and texts he received. Iida had reprimanded Todoroki’s behavior and elucidated that it would be virtually impossible to maintain a relationship if the two seldom interacted. Although Todoroki apologized and claimed that he had been feeling under the weather, the distance between him and Iida only grew.

Yet, where a rift forged itself between Todoroki and Iida, a bridge continued to strengthen between Todoroki and Bakugou. Todoroki and Bakugou had begun exchanging poems via texting, and Todoroki mentioned that he once intended to indulge in the arts of creative writing when he was younger. Bakugou remarked that, in a way, poetry to him was like stitching his screams together.

Queen Bee

First rule of the hive:
Thou shalt have no other queens before me.

Bow before Her,
Fulfill Her every order,
Breathe Her pheromones
'Til the world's a blur.

Bury yourself
In Her sweet, intoxicating scent.
Barrel yourself
Into a ball of your brethren bees.
Bake yourself
Beside the queen at Her behest.

Make the queen fall.
End the hypocrisy!
Kill Her with Her workers' loyalty.
Phony! Sham!
Burn Her at the stake of the mob.
End Her reign!

Bask in the blood
Of the fallen queen.
After all,
This is the unfaltering devotion
Our beloved queen so desired.

I’m assuming this is about his mom, Todoroki could remember thinking. The first two stanzas remind me a lot of Endeavor. ‘Beloved queen.’ It’s fitting, a play on words, and a bittersweet insult. Sweet? Honey. And it’s a ‘sweet taste of revenge.’ Why can’t I think of things like that? He reluctantly sent his own poem:

The Ostrich in the Sand
Hears the thunder
Of a lion's paws pounding
Into the Earth.

Feathers fly as it tears
Down the bank 
Of salty, golden scales.

The lion bounds
Behind it, roaring out
Its Killer's Call.

Cornered at the shore,
The ostrich drills
Its beak into the sand.

No light penetrates
Its ears.
No noise escapes
Its throat.

But the ostrich
Is no tortoise.

Fangs in the ankles,
Claws in the spine,
Blood in the bones.

Its screams are swallowed
By the Earth
As its body is shredded
Into feathers.

Then, ten days later, Todoroki received a text from Iida that he was unable to ignore:

Tenya
Shouto, are you interested in me anymore? I feel as though I’m the only one attempting to keep this relationship going. You avoid me, you ignore my calls and messages, and when we’re together, you don’t show any interest in me. So, please answer this. Do you still want to be together?

Todoroki crushed his phone between his fingers and buried his face into his pillow. I do, he wanted to hiss as he gripped his futon with his spare hand. I want to give you a relationship you deserve. But I can’t. I don’t have time. I’m only ever thinking about myself. But I did this all for you. Why aren’t you happy? Why am I not happy? Where did I go wrong? He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. I don’t want you to love me anymore. I only fuck things up for you. I can’t make you happy anymore. There’s a reason why you’ve hurt me so many times. I’ve always been the problem. If I’d rejected you on that day, would you have been happier?

I want you to hate me, and I want to be left alone. I don’t want you to care about me. That way, it’ll be easier on us both. I can’t stand hurting you any longer. It’s just another reminder that I was a mistake that never should've been born. But I don’t know how to tell you anything anymore. I don’t want to hurt you by leaving, but I don’t want to hurt you by staying. I don’t know… I can’t do this. Whatever you want, Tenya. I don’t want to be responsible for this decision because I always pick wrong, and it’s always my fault. Even Fuyumi snapped and said all the things I’d done to burden her with no return for it. It’s all my fault… 

“Shouto, you absolutely swear on your life that you’re happy?” asked Iida.

“Yeah. I couldn’t ask for much more in life. It’s been wonderful. Soon…”

I don’t see a point in doing anything. Maybe that’s part of the reason why… No. Surely not. I want to die. I want to die, Tenya… How can you still not see that if you really love me so much? You’ve even asked me before, and I jokingly said it’d be a dream come true. When I said I was joking with that fake, automatic smile, you got mad at me. Why did you believe me? I’m almost begging you at this point, and you still can’t see it. Spring is just around the corner, and while the world heals, I’m just sinking deeper into this hell.

“Soon?”

A pink serpent curled into a smile. “Soon, we’ll start a new year together. I’m excited for that day.”

I want out. I count the steps, the calories, the number of bites I take… I’m either hungry or too full. I’m either starving myself or losing control and eating more than I should. I feel like I throw up everything I eat. I always feel guilty for eating, but I also feel guilty for refusing to eat. I feel guilty when I don’t run, and when I can’t get out of bed. I feel guilty for so much of my life being dedicated to this. Why won’t you be as pushy as Bakugou? Why do you believe me when it’s all a blatant lie? Why? I don’t want you to know, but… Please help me, Tenya…

“Why am I just useless?” Todoroki spat into his pillow. “Why is everything always my fault? Why am I allowed to be alive?”

You’re just better off dead.

Todoroki let out a long, shaky breath. I can’t do anything right. I can’t please anyone, no matter how hard I try. I’m the reason why my boyfriend isn’t happy with himself, our relationship, or me. I’m the reason why my own father is depressed. I’m the reason why my sister gets hit at home. I’m the reason why Mom divorced him, and why she… I’m the reason why my oldest brother died. I’m the reason this whole family fell apart. And what am I concerned about? Losing weight. 

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Without thinking, Todoroki slammed his fist into his stomach, recoiling and gasping at the sheer impact of the hit.

I hate myself.

Todoroki lifted his shirt and began to viciously rake his nails into his stomach, clawing and peeling as blood and skin alike were torn from his body. He wasn’t sure if he was conscious of it at the time, but he perniciously formed daggers of ice on his nails. Yet, Todoroki did not stop. As crimson tears slinked down the rivers of flayed flesh, Todoroki coated his right hand with ice and shoved the fractals into his open wounds. He winced and panted as scalding waves of agony coursed through his bones, but he continued to exponentially decrease the temperature of his ice. Before he knew it, Todoroki was simultaneously severing and burning both his skin and insides with his ice. Even the taut muscles in his right arm burned with his screaming lacerations.

Then, grinding his teeth into the visceral cries of pain bubbling at the back of his throat, Todoroki slowly stood up from his futon and hobbled over to his desk. Fuck, it hurts so much. My vision… He covered his mouth as another eruption of agony scorched his insides. It hurts so much. I can’t see. It hurts. He grabbed the precision knife on the desk. I’m not needed by anyone. No one could truly care about me. He gnashed his teeth together and bashed his wrist against the corner of the desk. Fuck. I closed myself off, and they stopped trying so hard to reach me. I’m glad. That way…

Todoroki lowered the trembling, silver blade to his wrist.

No one will be sad when I’m gone.

Shhk!

Slicing through the thin layer of flesh concealing the veins in his left wrist, Todoroki felt a hot surge rush through him, benumbing his senses. Pursing his lips through the relentless beating of his heart, Todoroki tightened his grip on the blade and slashed into his wrist four more times. The second laceration he’d torn into his wrist proved to be the deepest, and as he vacantly stared at the blood that had begun to stream from his wounds, his chest sank into his stomach.

I’m dizzy, Todoroki realized as two of his cuts swiftly oozed out puddles of crimson that leaked into the open wounds nearby. Shit. I didn’t say any goodbyes. I didn’t apologize for anything. I just… He pressed his right hand to his forehead as his breaths thickened. I really am weak. It’s just like me: running away from my problems and creating even more in the process. He reached for his phone.

Todoroki
Thabk you for egruthing. I’m sorrynI only hurt you

Please don’t see my message. Todoroki lowered his forehead to his dark brown desk, panting heavily. I know you’ll know immediately. You’re the only person who truly would. Then why did I pick you? If I’d just hanged myself like I wanted to, I wouldn’t have been able to do this. He shook his head, biting his lower lip and gritting his teeth when his phone vibrated.

Bakugou
Don’t you fucking dare die. I’m going to your dorm

The door’s locked… Todoroki closed his eyes and slowly forced himself onto his wobbling legs. I can’t even feel the pain right now. I’m so shaky. I’m freezing. I don’t want you to blame yourself for my death. I know you will if I die. I’ll be burdening you, even after I’m dead. I shouldn’t have texted you. I knew, but… With ponderous steps, he lugged himself to the door, leaving a trail of blood on the tatami mats.

Despite how his frigid hands trembled and bled with sweat, Todoroki managed to twist the lock on his door with a clunk. He swerved towards his futon, but as the lightheadedness coiling around his brain began to repeatedly squeeze waves of hot shock through him, Todoroki felt his neck tip to the side. Then, in the direction of his neck giving out, Todoroki collapsed to the floor. The blood gushing from his wrist coated his palm and fingers, and some of the stains on the top of his hand had begun to dry.

I’m finally…free? Todoroki wondered as the world around him became blurred, growling static. I can’t open my eyes. I can’t move my body. I feel like throwing up. Just let me die already. I feel so sick. I can’t do anything. I just want it to be over… Through the waves of his mind, Todoroki could make out a drowned voice. Is that him? Just let me die. Please, Bakugou. He felt something wrap around his wrist, and then, something warm lifted his legs. Please stop. All I am is a wasted life. I want it to end. Please… I can’t… Please, I don’t want to wake up again…

Without being spared another shred of thought, Todoroki’s consciousness was cut.

Chapter Text

Katsuki Bakugou

Finally, this shitty essay is done, Bakugou inwardly groaned, leaning back in his chair and letting out a sigh. Still not done with my homework, and I have to study. It’s getting so fucking tiring. Sit through all my long, boring classes I don’t give a fuck about. No time to do work in class, and they assign projects but explicitly say there won’t be any in-class time to work on them. Go to my dorm and drown in at least four hours of homework. Then also have at least an hour or two of mind-numbing studying. Couple that with an hour for working out, and there’s no time for shit.

Bzzt!

I just wanna be done with my work, and I feel no satisfaction when I’m done. Drumming his fingers on his beige desk, Bakugou placed his hand on his phone from beside his math worksheet. Saiji says I’m burnt out, but how the fuck is that possible? We haven’t even gotten to our final exams yet. He skimmed the message Todoroki sent, and immediately, Bakugou’s organs were minced by arrant, pulsating fear. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. You tell me not to kill myself, and you’re just the same as me! Don’t fucking die, you bastard!

After relaying that he was heading to Todoroki’s dorm, Bakugou soon found himself panting in front of Todoroki’s door. Glacial fangs punctured his jugular vein with a paralyzing venom. Grinding his teeth together, a shivering torrent of stupefaction plowed through Bakugou when the door handle sank fully in his grip.

Rushing into Todoroki’s dorm, Bakugou’s stomach imploded at the sight of Todoroki lying on his side at the foot of the green futon in the room with a pool of blood steadily expanding under Todoroki’s left wrist. Bakugou was unable to make out any individual cuts on Todoroki’s arm—the scarlet streaks of blood pouring from Todoroki’s wrist had all oozed into one body of blood. What Bakugou could make out, however, was the ghastly hue of Todoroki’s skin and lips.

“Oi!” cried Bakugou, who dialed for emergency services with quaking hands. “Icyhot?!” He swallowed thickly and checked for Todoroki’s pulse and breath, closing his eyes once he confirmed both to be present.

While explaining Todoroki’s situation to the operator on the phone, Bakugou frantically stumbled into the bathroom and ripped out a hand towel from beside the sink. He wrapped and compressed Todoroki’s wrist with the towel, grabbing the math and history textbooks sitting on Todoroki’s desk afterward. Stacking both books on top of each other by Todoroki’s feet, Bakugou elevated Todoroki’s feet and legs.

Why?! Bakugou wanted to scream as the muffled operator on the line informed him that an ambulance would arrive in roughly eight minutes. Always too busy thinking of other people, pushing the pain away, and masking the problems killing you… Why? Why wouldn’t you just tell me?! Maybe not even me, but someone! Your own boyfriend? He set his phone on the floor that was still connected to the female operator. I pestered you more than anyone else to try and get you to just spit something out already. I tried the hardest. I did everything I could think of…just like you did for me. And yet, why is it not enough for you?! Why am I not enough to save you?! Why am I always somehow inferior to you?

Bakugou checked for Todoroki’s pulse and breath once again. Even when I won against you in the Sports Festival, all the attention and recommendations went to you, someone who’d only been using half of his power through practically the entire thing. You’re always the talk of the town, even when I prove through grades and fights that I’m better. But really, I’m not fucking better. He clenched his hands into fists, gazing down at his unconscious classmate whose lips were white like a sheet of paper. I can’t help you at all. I get envious of the fact that you can just be fine with never talking about your problems. I’m jealous of your relationship. I’m bitter that you’re not with me.

“Did somethin’ happen between you and Glasses? You’ve been avoiding him a lot.”

“There’s something I want him to understand.”

“Hah? How the hell’s he supposed to get it if you basically ghost him?”

“I’m sure he’ll get it.”

I want you so badly, Bakugou suddenly thought while gently clasping Todoroki’s hand, but neither of us is in the place for it. I know that. I know how it went with Ei. Our relationship became me being high all the time, and him just taking care of me like a good boyfriend would. I took advantage of that. I told him he should leave me just to guilt him into staying longer. But a part of me meant it, even though I’m still so bitter and hurt from actually being left behind. I have no fucking right to be this upset, but I’m pissed about it. Despite that, and despite how much of a mistake it is to even think this, I just…

No matter how much it hurts, I want someone to cling to and blindly attach myself to all over again.

I think I’ve figured it out, Bakugou thought after speaking with Saiji. I pushed everyone away to look strong…was what I thought it was. No, there’s more to it than that. I didn’t think I deserved anyone, despite how I acted. I wanted people to think I was invincible and confident. I wasn’t. Hell no. But show any sign of weakness, and be humiliated for life. I couldn’t even let myself think I was doing it for any other reason than because I didn’t wanna be bossed around or slowed down—I was stronger.

All I knew was that I didn’t deserve shit because of her. I was worthless. I never amounted to anything. I burned my whole personality into myself…just to live with what she told me. I pushed everyone away to try and prove to myself that I was strong, but it was also a defense mechanism. I was so used to being hurt by her that I was terrified of other people. Ei… You were just there for me, and not in a way that made me feel like I was being pitied.

It felt like I was healing and being put back together. I wanted to have that person in my life to stitch the void closed. Deep down, despite pushing everyone away, all I wanted…was something as simple as being loved, and being appreciated for who I was. But I was terrified of it too. Once I got that and thought I could trust him…there was no going back. I dug my own grave and ripped all the stitches out. That’s how desperate I was to have someone to finally cling to, live for, and be loved by. All that…because of her.

Once a team of paramedics arrived at Todoroki’s dorm, Todoroki was lifted onto a stretcher while Bakugou began to debrief the situation. Bakugou was also invited to accompany Todoroki during the ambulance ride, and thus, Bakugou provided as much information as possible to the medical personnel present. He could remember witnessing as three out of the four self-inflicted lacerations on Todoroki’s wrist were flushed out and stitched up, and how Todoroki’s prominent veins bulged as an IV was inserted into his right arm.

Then, after a room in the hospital was made available for Todoroki, Bakugou sat in a black chair beside Todoroki’s bed. He’d been asked if Todoroki had a preferred family member to contact, but Bakugou begrudgingly explained that it was likely in Todoroki’s best interest to decide for himself after waking up. Bakugou had also been asked about the bruises and burns on Todoroki’s wrists, as well as the cuts and burns on Todoroki’s stomach, and Bakugou replied that the injuries might have been from training with Endeavor. However, Bakugou also noted that Todoroki never seemed to be suffering more than one or two injuries at a time from training.

Then, after twenty minutes of waiting at Todoroki’s side, Bakugou watched Todoroki’s eyes slowly pull open. Bakugou slid out of his seat and placed his hand on Todoroki’s while the latter’s eyes darted across the room.

“Oi, it’s Bakugou. Just stay still,” Bakugou sighed, removing his hand from Todoroki’s thin hand. “Yer in the hospital. You remember why?”

“Good, you’re awake,” sighed Mitsuki. “You’re in the hospital. Remember why? You overdosed. Even after we told you that you’re never doing drugs again, you disobeyed us, and look where that got you. Admit it: you were wrong.”

Funny how I feel so much better when I’m ‘poisoning myself’ since it kills all her bullshit too. Fucked up that it just exacerbates the wound. No shit, but it damn well feels like an instant cure. It’s like choosing to always inject a wound with some local anesthetic or try to close it up without any. Longer the wound’s open, the more infected it gets, and at some point, might as well just go for an amputation. Healing’s impossible now, even though it wasn’t before—it was just too painful to try and heal.

After waiting another few seconds for Todoroki’s reply, Todoroki glanced at his bandaged wrist and lowered his eyes. “I’m sorry…” he murmured in a hoarse voice, slowly turning onto his side.

A twinge of pain squirmed through Bakugou’s chest. “What made you do this?” He felt the roots of the pain jolting through him dig deeper into his veins when Todoroki did not reply. “Todoroki… I’m not gonna tell anyone else or use it against you.” His chest only tightened when Todoroki shook his head. “All right. Let’s talk about something else first. Doctors said you have bruises and burns and cuts and shit all over you. Those…from Endeavor?”

Nodding slowly, Todoroki sighed, “He tries to have me counter all different types of attacks. Clearly, I’m not great at fighting fire with fire, or hand-to-hand combat.”

“So, he even brings real-ass blades at you?” Bakugou’s point-blank question shot through the silence in the room, piercing it with an even greater silence.

“There wouldn’t be much pressure to take it seriously if he didn’t.” Todoroki’s eyes did not stray from Bakugou.

I can’t tell if he’s being truthful or not. I never saw the wounds they talked about. But if you aren’t hurting yourself, getting cut by Endeavor seems excessive.

“Oh my God. Katsuki, you’re still angry about what I said yesterday? Get over it. Today is a new day, and you have no reason to still hold a grudge. Do you hear me? You’re done with this childish grudge-holding.”

SAYS THE MOTHERFUCKER WHO STILL HOLDS A GRUDGE AGAINST ME FOR SHIT I DID WHEN I WAS A FUCKING CHILD! You even use shit from years ago to harshen my punishments! And I’m not allowed to hold a grudge for not even twelve fucking hours!? I have ‘no reason’ for anything, according to you, the fucking psych major. YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN ANYONE THAT EVERYONE HAS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING! You’re just too selfish to consider that anyone but you has a reason for anything you don’t like or agree with!

“Then you have no reason to still be a shitty parent who never learns anything!”

“You will never speak to me like that, Katsuki. Be thankful I’m not slapping you again. I’m not being a shitty parent, and you wouldn’t know anything about being one, so don’t imply that I’ve been a shitty parent. I haven’t been. You’re just overreacting. You know, I feel bad for you. I genuinely do. You have it even more rough than I did, growing up with all this social media stuff and higher standards.”

YOU WANNA SAY THIS SHIT TO ME WHEN I FUCKING CUT MYSELF BECAUSE OF YOU!? YOU’RE NOT A SHITTY PARENT FOR THAT ALONE? AND IF YOU REALLY FUCKING FEEL BAD, THEN HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT I HAVE ‘NO REASON’ FOR ANYTHING!? IF YOU FEEL SO BAD, WHY DON’T YOU HELP ME INSTEAD OF FUCKING UP MY LIFE!? IF I HAVE IT EVEN WORSE THAN YOU DID, WHY DO YOU EXPECT EVEN MORE FROM ME AND THEN GET PISSED OFF AT ME AND SHAME ME WHEN I’M STRUGGLING!?

Blinking heavily, Bakugou let out a sigh and replied, “Well, the staff’s also concerned about the massive fucking dip in your weight. It’s kind of not feasible to lose so much weight in a few months without starving yourself. You already exercise a lot, so…” He recalled a conversation with Midoriya. “Deku’s worried sick. He keeps asking me how you’re doing cuz he doesn’t wanna bother you. Know why? You ignore everyone, ghost us, and avoid us.”

Fuck, I’m literally doing the same bullshit she does, Bakugou rebuked himself. I did the same shit to Ei, I realize now, after Saiji pointed it out. God…

Todoroki shrugged. “I’m just…tired.” He started picking at the nail of his left thumb.

“Of being alive?”

“No. I just don’t have the energy. Then all the texts pile up, and it’s suddenly a massive chore, and it becomes too awkward to say anything in person when I’ve ghosted everyone.” Todoroki closed his eyes. “It’s different with you since we’ve established daily check-ins.”

“Okay, that actually makes a lot of sense,” Bakugou remarked. “Wouldn’t have known that if you didn’t tell me.” His eyes lowered to Todoroki’s left wrist. “So, you ready to talk about that yet?”

Chapter Text

Katsuki Bakugou

Todoroki shook his head. “I can’t say. No matter how hard I try, I can’t say it.” He closed his eyes as his body began to shake. “I’m sorry. All I do is just…fuck everything up for you, don’t I?” With a plaintive smile, he opened his eyes again. “Not even this could stop me from it.”

“Stop hating and blaming yourself for everything, dammit,” growled Bakugou, whose shadow engulfed Todoroki’s pale, trembling figure. “Everyone’s got their own barriers. It’s fine if you’re not able to say.”

“Have you ever tried to hurt yourself because of her?” questioned Saiji.

It feels like you always ask this, but even if I wanted to admit it already, I’d never be able to. One part of me is always pissed at her and thinks all her bullshit is beyond unfair and shitty, and another part of me knows I don’t even fucking have it nearly as bad as other people, so I have no right to be feeling like it’s that bad.

Todoroki’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly. “Tenya told me something similar.” The light in his eyes drained away like water washing down the drain.

I feel like there’s something you’re trying to convey, Bakugou realized while letting out a sigh. You can’t say it, but you want it out there. Kind of like with poetry… You can’t say it yourself, and you don’t know how exactly to say or convey it, but you want it out there in some way.

“You always get this weird look whenever Glasses is brought up,” Bakugou commented. “I know you said nothing happened between you two, but did something happen to you or to him specifically?”

Todoroki kept his gaze lowered. “Something like that. Maybe.”

“Does it have anything to do with your eating habits?”

“Somewhat.”

“What’s he told you about that?”

Todoroki’s limbs shifted beneath the white blanket covering him from chest to feet. “First…that I was heavy.” His voice deteriorated into a burning flake of ash. “Then…that I wasn’t eating enough. Now… Now…” He shook his head.

Bakugou sat in the chair beside Todoroki again and let out a long breath of air. That makes so much fucking sense. He lifted his head.

“So—”

“But…he didn't exactly tell me I was heavy. Just…heavier than expected. So, it’s fine. I know he didn’t mean it like that.”

Bakugou nodded. “M’kay. So you unconsciously distorted his words to mean you were too heavy, and then you felt guilty because you knew he didn’t mean it that way, but you couldn’t help but view it that way?”

Todoroki gripped the blanket into his hand. “Kind of…” He bit his lip and parted his lips to speak, but after a few seconds, he pressed his lips together again for a while. “He’s not to blame for any of it. It’s all just me. It’s all in my head. I’m overreacting. I know that, but…” He winced, pulling back his lips a bit as his eyes began to glisten. “He’s never hurt me. All he’s been is a wonderful partner. He’s always been there for me. So, why…” Another broken, desolate smile twitched onto his lips. “Why can’t he pick up on the only things I want him to? I know it’s my fault, and he’d know if I just said something, but I… I just can’t… The words won’t come out.” He focused his gaze on the wall.

Bakugou crossed his arms. “So, he isn’t noticing your signals when you don’t know how to say it otherwise, and those signals are the things that you actually give a damn about him knowing?” He observed how Todoroki’s shoulders lifted a bit. “Do you feel like he should be able to pick up on them since he’s the closest to you?”

Todoroki nodded. “Yeah…”

“And you feel like it's imperative he knows? Like you’re doing everything you can to get him to notice, but it’s not working?”

The crestfallen expression on Todoroki’s visage folded into a lachrymal smile. Yet, he did not speak.

“Got it.” Bakugou cleared his throat and waited until Todoroki met his gaze before speaking again. “Has one of those signals been continuing to lose weight and eat less even after he disapproved of that?” His brows sank.

A faint smile wove onto Todoroki’s lips again. “It hurts that you can pick up on the things that the person closest to me can’t.” He relaxed his shoulders.

Bakugou shrugged. “Guess I’m just perceptive. But so, this whole time…it’s basically been a call for help?” He glanced at the IV in Todoroki’s arm while awaiting Todoroki’s response.

Using drugs and not even knowing how much I use them was what tipped you over the edge and made you force me into therapy?! Nothing about how I’ve clearly not been myself, all the other glaring red flags, and how you literally think I’m depressed anyway?! THIS IS WHAT YOU THINK I NEED HELP FOR?! And it’s not even for the help, is it?! You just don’t wanna admit that your son did drugs! You don’t want people to think you’re a bad parent if they find out! That’s all it is, isn’t it?!

You care more about your reputation than me. You only do good things for me only because you want something out of it from me or because it benefits you.

Finally, Todoroki muttered, “Not exactly. It wasn’t…for a while. But eventually…”

Bakugou thought stood up and approached Todoroki. I get him now. So even though this person in front of me tries to lie about everything to hell and back and can’t bring himself to admit the truth… He flicked his eyes to the floor and leaned over Todoroki, opening his arms up. I hate getting all soft like this. Fuck you.

Todoroki’s expression flickered as he slowly reciprocated Bakugou’s gesture. “I don’t know how to fucking stop.” His barbed words hung heavy against Bakugou’s shoulder, seeping down into Bakugou’s bones like hot charcoal. “I thought this would please them…but it’s never enough. Even when I see all these people worrying about me and telling me not to starve myself, I just… I can’t stop. I can’t get out. It’s like an obsession, and I just can’t stop myself. But it’s better than obsessing over… Never mind. 

“Losing weight is like an addiction. I can’t stop. Even when I know how bad it could be, I just don’t care. I need that kick from losing weight. If the numbers aren’t dropping, it’s like not drinking enough to at least get buzzed. Even though everyone tells me not to do this, I do it anyway, knowing what everyone tells me.” Todoroki tightened his grip around Bakugou. “How selfish am I…for all these people to do so much for me, and yet, it doesn’t mean anything to me? I don’t know what to do…”

Bakugou could feel Todoroki’s chest spasm as the latter dug his nails into Bakugou’s shirt. You’re finally talking about it… Bakugou realized, continuing to hold Todoroki fast. Damn. This had to have taken every ounce of strength to finally admit. It’s just that bad, huh? This is you. Beneath all your bullshit, this is you. I hate myself for getting an ego boost from your vulnerability.

“Yer not selfish for feeling or not feeling whatever you do,” Bakugou assured Todoroki. “You can’t change what your true, initial feelings on something were once you already felt it.” He squinted his eyes when the sound of a door sliding open caught his attention. “I know this stuff’s become a habit, but it ain’t impossible to break it.” He flicked his fingers out to the side in a sweeping motion until the door slid closed again. “I never talked about this, but Recovery Hag and my parents forced me back into therapy. 

“I still dread going, I hate talking about my problems, and I hate the thought of looking weak or letting any vulnerability show. But it has been helping me cope in better ways.” Bakugou pulled back from Todoroki and lifted the latter’s red chin. “I want you to try. If you really feel selfish for so much, do all of us a favor and give it a try. We want you to live, dumbass. Maybe it’ll help you find the words to say to Glasses so he knows how to help. Couples therapy might also be worth a shot.”

Todoroki lowered his forehead to Bakugou’s shoulder. “I’ll think about it,” he whispered. “I really do mean that. But…I don’t think I want to be with Tenya anymore.” He swallowed thickly. “I love him, and he never did anything to hurt me, but…”

“I get it. Not saying what I did with Shitty Hair was the right thing, but I get where you’re coming from. Talk it over with him, and see where things go, ‘kay?” Bakugou felt as though a waterfall of steam evaporated from his body once Todoroki nodded. “It’ll be okay. Don’t die on us, you dumb fuck. Get up and fight. We won’t leave you behind.”

A steady stream of air escaped Todoroki’s lips. “Thank you, Bakugou… Let’s go to the arcade once I’m out of here.” He pulled back from Bakugou with a glimmering smile and red, squinted eyes.

Bakugou felt a smile tug at his lips. “Yeah. Sounds like a plan. Can’t wait to beat your ass again.” He forced his smile into a smirk.

Guess there’s some merit in us both not wanting to be weak, cogitated Bakugou while handing Todoroki the phone that had been lying on Todoroki’s desk at the dormitory. But, at the same time… His eyes briefly flicked to Todoroki’s bandaged arm. It really fucks us both over too, huh? Is it that you’d rather die than keep having to live with an eating disorder? Plus Endeavor. It’s bugging me that I don’t know what triggered this. It takes a strong resolve to cut that deep that many times. His memory of hearing Todoroki coughing and gagging in the bathroom drowned his senses.

“Let’s get you somethin’ to eat,” Bakugou commented, immediately detecting the sag in Todoroki’s expression. “I know, but if yer sick of dealing with it, it ain’t gonna improve by feeding bad habits.”

Although Todoroki did not reply, a staff member later handed Todoroki a juice pouch, a small package of senbei, and a wrapped taiyaki. Todoroki drank a few sips of the juice, but after a few minutes, he still had yet to touch any of the food.

It pains me to see this, Bakugou sighed to himself. To drive someone who ate a fuck ton, was jacked as shit, and didn’t care about his weight or appearance to someone who struggles just to eat a tiny bag of crackers, throws up meals, and is obsessed with losing weight… He tore open the packaged taiyaki and shoved the fish-shaped delicacy between Todoroki’s lips.

“Eat, or I’ll drink when I get back,” mumbled Bakugou, who noticed how Todoroki raised his brows and shook his head.

Todoroki pulled his head back. “That’s not—”

“Not fair?” Bakugou finished for Todoroki, who glanced away. “Not doin’ this to scare you or hold you accountable for my own shit, but it’d probably help you to realize what you’re doing—you aren’t the only one affected.” He noted how Todoroki’s eyelids sank, and Todoroki’s lips sagged as well. “Tell me what yer thinkin’.”

Todoroki shook his head. “Nothing.”

“Bullshit.”

“I…” Pursing his lips, Todoroki let out a long sigh, shaking his head. “Think whatever you want.”

“I just did, and you obviously didn’t like that.”

Amidst Todoroki’s silence, Bakugou thought, You never say any of your thoughts or opinions. Never! You’re undeniably a people-pleaser, and I hardly know what any of your interests are. I know you’re scared, and it’s always just the ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ situation to you, but for God’s sake… Then, an epiphany scorched Bakugou’s brainstem. All day every day, you’re obsessing over things everyone wants from you. Even your words, and every single conversation. No matter what, you can’t please everyone, it’s never perfect, and your plans constantly get thwarted. 

Just like that poem with the glass cups, you’re always trying to achieve perfection, but you just cause more damage, and you’ve always got a cabinet full of imperfect shit to fixate on. So, for now, maybe the solution isn’t so much trying to change how you look at the glasses, but how to close the cabinet so you can’t see, damage, or access any of it. That ain’t too far off from what I’ve been having to do. If the broken bottles in the cabinet can’t be fixed right now, lock it up, and once I finally have the shit to fix those bottles, then open it back up. Well, that’s the ideal picture, but things never go that smoothly.

With a sigh that was thick like a cloud, Bakugou uttered, “You just want me to decide your thoughts and feelings for you when you obviously hate that too?” He narrowed his eyes. “You’re kinda diggin’ your own grave here. If you hate it so much, you can’t just let everyone walk all over you. You’re doing this to yourself.”

A dubious smile wove its way onto Todoroki’s lips. “Yeah, you’re right. It’s all my fault. Everything is anyway. Even if I had nothing to do with it, it’s my fault. Even if I’m the one that… Never mind. I’m not going to ramble again.” He shook his head, drumming his fingers against the back of his phone.

I hate doing this to you again, but I can tell you’re desperate to just have it out there. This is your way of trying to ask for help, isn’t it? It’s been like that all along, and no one realized because you can’t say it outright and don’t want to imply it. I’m guessing you tried standing up for yourself and got punished for it, so you’re not even bothering to try and tell me you’ve tried, or not to assume you’ve just never tried to do anything about it. Because if you say you’ve tried…

“You didn’t try hard enough.”

That’s all you’re gonna be told. End of conversation. You know that too, don’t you?

“You know that’s bullshit, don’t you, Todoroki?” murmured Bakugou, whose chest began to tighten as he locked eyes with Todoroki. “You know how hard you’ve tried to express and straighten out your thoughts and feelings, but over and over again, you’ve been punished for it. In the end, like you said, you have no right to correct them, and it’s not your choice to make.” A bolt of pain drilled through his chest when Todoroki smiled faintly again. “But it’s not completely your fault. You’ve done everything you can. You know that. But even though you have… Help me understand here, Todoroki. What is it that makes you give up on trying again?”

“I don’t know.” Todoroki’s voice was like a threadbare quilt.

“Bullshit.”

You’re just afraid I’ll use that information against you, aren’t you? Bakugou leaned up against the wall, crossing his arms. You know. You know damn well what the answer is, but you’ll just tell me you don’t know and can’t say, no matter how many times I ask. All this shit… It’s a defense mechanism, isn’t it? In itself, it’s a cry for help. Fuck. Fuck, I get it now… He expelled another hefty sigh. At least, that’s what I’m guessing. I can only guess as much…cuz I get it too.

Bakugou tipped his head back and pressed one foot up against the wall behind him. “Whatever your reason is, just know that I’m not the person or people who did this to you, ‘kay?” He tilted his head, casting a glance at Todoroki, who was staring down at the screen of his phone. “You can tell me on your own terms when yer ready. But answer me this now: did you tell me everything you did just to say it when you have no intention of changing, or do you actually wanna find a way out of this?”

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

Todoroki stared down at the message Iida sent, which had yet to receive a reply. His fingers were like icicles, and his left wrist was completely numb. The glow of his phone screen cast a white rectangle into his eyes.

How do I talk it over with him? pondered Todoroki while glimpsing over at Bakugou, who asked why Todoroki had told him all that he did. I still don’t know how to feel. I’m relieved, I guess, but overall, I just don’t care. I would rather have died than have been saved. ‘Saved.’ Right. I want to live now. It’s as easy as that. What more could I ask for? I'd just be selfish to not want to live.

But I really don’t want to live.

“I do want to find an escape from this,” Todoroki admitted, swallowing thickly.

Death is the easiest escape of them all, and yet, I couldn’t even do that. It was right there. I even planned to hang myself, but somehow, I was so fucking worthless that I couldn’t do any of it right.

Bakugou nodded, peeling himself off the wall and brushing his hands together. “Got it. You have my word that I’ll do what I can, ‘kay?” A subtle smirk graced his lips as Todoroki returned a nod. “Glad I finally got to meet you, Todoroki. But so, I know you probably don’t wanna answer this, but what do you feel when you’re in a situation where you have to eat in front of someone?”

Like I want to die just to get out of the situation altogether. I feel like I’m going insane every time from trying so hard to figure out the perfect or most discreet times to do things without being noticed while also trying not to look suspicious by always being aware of what the other person is doing.

Todoroki’s phone screen dimmed as he replied, “I don’t know. Just…not good.” His pupils wandered to the floor as his mind was strangled with his memories of eating out with Iida.

I don’t want you to know, but I know you should know. Just like I don’t want Tenya to notice, but I need him to notice. Nothing makes sense. As always, I’m just being an attention whore, even though I don’t want any attention at all.

Bakugou lifted his chin. “Does it make you feel sick at all?”

Absolutely. All I can see is a pile of fat and calories. I want to vomit just from seeing it. I just…can’t.

“Kind of.” Todoroki shivered as he visualized how much fat he’d consumed in his life. “This might be a dumb question, but does the idea of sobriety ever scare you?” He glanced back up at Bakugou and tapped the screen of his phone, drawing up a deluge of light.

Scratching the back of his head, Bakugou let out a sigh. “When you put it like that, I mean… Well, yeah. That’s where all the pain and bullshit is. It’s kinda like soaking in a hot tub. You get used to the heat, but even though you’re fully aware you should get out, and your skin’s startin’ to prune and everything, it’s fucking cold. Your relaxation is done. Back to your shitty life. So, just keep soakin’, no matter how bad it fucks your body. The relaxation only ends when you get out.” He slapped his hands to his hips. “Hence why it’s nearly impossible for me to only drink a little bit. Why just stick your feet in the hot tub when you could soak your whole body?”

Todoroki pressed his frigid thumbs to the keyboard on his phone. “If you’d like, you can always ask me to moderate how much of something you take. Or, you can just tell me to tell you a limit of your choice.”

While Todoroki typed out a message to Iida, Bakugou nodded his head. “That’d probably be helpful, as much as I hate to admit it,” he muttered, watching Todoroki’s thumbs tap at the phone screen.

Shouto
I’m still interested in you, but that’s why I think we should be apart for a bit. I don’t know whether or not to call it breaking up, but I’m not someone worthy of your love right now. I feel terrible for never getting back and never interacting with you much. There have been some things going on that I’m not able to talk about with anyone just yet. I want to make it up to you, though

It’s not your fault that I resent a lot about you, Todoroki thought to himself as he took a deep breath in. I hate myself for hating these things about you. It’s not right. It’s not your fault. Even though I forced myself to be more vulnerable around you, you still didn’t get it. I only felt worse. It only exacerbated the pain. I’m not asking you to ask me what’s wrong or why I’m doing the things I’m doing, Tenya… His body began to tremble when he noticed that Iida was typing. I’m asking you to help me figure those things out. I’m asking you to intervene. I’m asking you to figure me out. Please…

Tenya
I understand. Perhaps it would be for the best if we both sought to resolve some of our own problems that are complicating this relationship. But I’m still incredibly worried about you and your health. You’ve lost a significant amount of weight, and I’m very concerned about how thin you’re getting. Is there anything I can help with? I need you to know I’ll always be here for you.

Todoroki tightened his grip on his phone and closed his eyes. I’m grateful, but it just makes it worse for me. If you’re truly worried, why aren’t you making sure I’m eating more often? You’ll always be here for me? You’re never there in the ways I need you to be. I’m sure you say that, but really, you’ll just use that as leverage to try and make me do something against my will, or you’ll just prove that you don’t mean it. That’s always how it goes. He skimmed over Iida’s message again. I’ve practically stopped eating in front of you. You’ll notice it. You’ll notice every detail, and yet…

“You okay?” Bakugou asked in a soft, deep whisper.

Todoroki nodded. “You don’t have to stay,” he commented. “I’m not saying that to get you to leave. Knowing you, you were probably studying before this happened.”

Bakugou cracked a smirk. “Bingo. But eh, it can wait. I was burnt out anyway. Story of my life.” He patted his back pocket. “Damn.”

Shouto
You’re sure you’re okay with this? I feel like it’s very selfish of me to ask this out of nowhere when I’ve clearly been neglecting you. But I’m doing all right

Picking at the rough, microscopic needles of skin jutting out from his left thumb, Todoroki set his phone on his knee. “I can only imagine how stressful this was for you, but don’t blindly start going through your supplies.” He winced, tearing off a long strand of skin from the side of his thumb.

“I won’t, I won’t,” groaned Bakugou. “Oi.” He walked up to Todoroki, and then, he abruptly jabbed Todoroki in the side of his ribs before tickling along Todoroki’s sides.

Stifled chuckles began to spill from Todoroki’s throat as he flailed from Bakugou’s touch that caused his body to jerk and thrash. “Ah! Stop!” he cried, toppling back against his pillow with a rippling smile. “Ah… What was that for?” His voice had regained its usual monotony.

Bakugou crossed his arms with a smirk. “Every time I catch you picking at your skin or nails, that’s what’s gonna happen.”

Todoroki let out a sigh. “Then every time I catch you intoxicated or zoned out from taking something, I’m going to ask you to give me a compliment.” He nodded while Bakugou’s garnet eyes twitched.

“Asshole.”

Tenya
I’m certain. I believe this would be beneficial for us both. I will admit that I don't like how you’ve been so distant and haven’t been willing to talk about anything, but I understand that it may be asking too much for you to open up about what you’re currently going through. I respect that. But in general, I would greatly appreciate it if you were a bit more open about your thoughts and feelings.

A groan boiled up from Todoroki’s stomach. Why do you keep insisting on and pressuring me to open up more? he inwardly maundered. The more you bring it up, the less I want to, and the more difficult it becomes. Yet, you’re also basically saying I’m too weak to do it. I know you don’t mean it that way, and I know you mean well, but it feels like everything you say to me is either a lie or an insinuation. It’s not your fault. It’s completely my own. It’s just another reason why we need to end things before I fuck them up beyond repair. It’s selfish…but I don’t want to lose you. Not now. Not yet. Not soon. But at the same time…

There’s clearly someone else who’s been doing everything I’ve wanted from you but that you’ve never given.

Shouto
I’ll keep that in mind. I love you

Tenya
It means a lot to me, Shouto. Thank you. I love you too.

I can't tell what I should be doubting anymore, Todoroki realized. Do I doubt his love for me, or do I doubt the fact that I’m doubting that at all? What’s more realistic? What’s more selfish? I don’t know. He swiped to his messages with his father, re-reading the most recent conversation.

Endeavor
Shouto, I made cold soba for when you come home tonight.

And then you proceeded to tell me about how fat I am and do me the favor of taking all of it away at the dinner table.

Endeavor
As a reminder, you are my son, and you are my favorite child.

But you blame everything on me, won’t apologize for anything, will never admit when you’re wrong, you never mean any of the good things you say, and you hit me.

Endeavor
Why didn’t you come home?

Endeavor
Answer me this instant.

Endeavor
Shouto Todoroki.

Endeavor
You have five minutes to reply if you don’t want to be punished.

Endeavor
I burned the turtleneck in your closet and removed the door to your room.

The present Mom gave me… Todoroki’s brows sank, and his body began to shake again. I know I didn’t deserve it, but I loved that turtleneck. Just like I still loved all those other things you threw away behind my back because I was ‘too old for them’ or they were ‘unnecessary’ or ‘stupid.’ All the things I’d drawn, all the stories I’d made as a kid, all the things Mom and Fuyumi taught me how to sew, all the things I’d gotten as gifts… I know I probably would’ve thrown them out myself later, but they meant a lot to me when they were thrown away without my say. I know you’re just keeping me humble since I never deserved them, but…

“Oi, you okay?” Bakugou’s voice rent the sea of thoughts and memories drowning Todoroki’s mind.

“Are you ready to give up those mugs yet?” asked Endeavor.

“But I got them last year. They’re just like Mom’s.”

Todoroki nodded. “Yeah.”

Not even a week later, you took the mugs she, Fuyumi, and Natsu hand-made for me and broke them all. I came home from school on that snowy day, ready to make hot chocolate with Fuyumi, and I couldn’t find the mugs. I asked you if you knew, and you said you’d thrown them away. I looked in the trash, expecting to be able to dig them out and wash them, but they were all smashed to irreparable shards. Wait. No… I didn’t even realize it then, but you deliberately did that so I couldn’t put the pieces back together. 

Then you got me new, expensive mugs that were nothing like the ones I had in size, shape, color, or design so I’d feel too guilty to ask for the ‘shitty’ mugs I had before. And what right did I have to complain? You got me nice, expensive mugs. Wait. That means you threw away the simple ones I had that were so much less expensive and only a year old just to spend all that money on new ones? And yet you blamed me and everyone else for spending all that money? Why? You never had to do any of that, but somehow, it’s all our fault?

Then, Todoroki felt something on his shoulder. “What’re you thinkin’ about?” queried Bakugou in a husky yet soft sigh.

I tried so hard to make those mugs myself when I got older, Todoroki thought while shrugging. I was never satisfied with what I made. I know I need to move on, but…it’s hard to let go when you hold on to something so tightly for so long. Logically, holding on isn’t doing me anything but harm, but I can’t let go either. It’s like having invisible, barbed fishing hooks stuck in my skin all over. They easily went in, and they need to be removed since they’re all just getting worse and getting infected, but no matter how hard I pull, they won’t come out. How do I even remove what I can’t see?

Finally, Todoroki mumbled, “Is it normal for someone to sell or throw away the things of someone else?”

Bakugou cocked his head. “Like, without permission for it?”

“Yeah. Someone you aren’t particularly on good terms with, either.”

“Obviously not,” Bakugou immediately replied, sitting beside Todoroki. “What, are you just gonna waltz into your neighbor’s house and start giving away their things? No.” He leaned his elbows flat on his thighs, keeping his head up to face Todoroki. “That happen to you?”

Something in Todoroki’s chest squirmed. “Kind of.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Not really.”

Expelling a sigh, Bakugou said, “Then tell me if you can relate to what I’m about to say. Cuz…that’s happened to me too.” He nodded slowly, locking eyes with Todoroki. “When I was a kid, I had this toy camera I liked a lot. One day, I saw this paper bag sitting on top of a cabinet in the living room that I couldn’t quite reach the top of. Y’know what my old hag said? That it was my toy camera, I’d never have it back, she put it just out of my reach so I could see it and not be able to get to it, and that she was gonna sell it because I misbehaved in some way she didn’t say at some time that she didn’t say. Still, she sold it when I wasn’t okay with that at all. But, as always, motherfucker didn’t give a shit.” He flung his arms out to the sides as though holding a large box.

That’s… Todoroki realized, internally reeling at the mincing of his insides. That’s extremely similar to Endeavor.

“That’s extremely cruel,” Todoroki replied, shaking his head. “She didn’t need to sell it. She could’ve just taken it and returned it when appropriate. She really shouldn’t have done that. I don’t see how you would gain anything from that since you didn’t even know what you did wrong.”

“Yeah, seriously,” groaned Bakugou. “It sounds stupid since it literally happened when I was a kid—like four or five—and it was over a toy I would’ve grown out of within a few years anyway, but it’s just another bad thing that happened to contribute to all the shit I’ve had to deal with more recently.” He nudged Todoroki’s juice pouch towards Todoroki. “Relatable at all?”

With a hesitant nod, Todoroki sighed, “Yeah.” He took a sip from the juice pouch, running his tongue along his teeth that had been coated with a sugary film.

Bakugou’s brows lifted by a fraction. “Damn. How does your own situation make you feel?”

Todoroki shrugged, averting his eyes to a circular analog clock on the white hospital wall. “It’s nothing important, so I guess I’m kind of indifferent. There are other things I should be more—”

“So what if there are bigger fish to fry?” snapped Bakugou with chipped, grainy words. “Doesn’t change what this shit means to you. Cuz, y’know, ain’t it a little strange how you say what I went through was ‘extremely cruel,’ but even though you can relate to the same thing, you say yours is ‘nothing important?’” He squinted his crimson eyes, compressing his pupils into lightless moons on the water’s edge.

“While I can relate to some degree, my experiences aren’t nearly as bad,” retorted Todoroki.

“You really gotta stop underplaying the things you’ve been through.” Bakugou leaned back in the chair and turned his head towards Todoroki. “Lemme just tell you that no one should ever do that kind of shit to you, Todoroki. It’s not okay. And for me, it’s probably just another thing that fed into some of the attachment problems I have. But I’m determined to conquer that shit, and stuffing the bad memories related to it away sure as hell ain’t gonna fix it.”

It was then that Todoroki’s body was dissolved in the silver acid of a revelation. Attachment problems? He began to ruminate over the portent of his realization. It’s not okay? Wait. Wait… His heart throbbed in his chest as he stared down at the sheets of the bed. How did I never connect the dots? Mom… Touya… He swallowed thickly. All my things… All my goals… All my hopes… All of it…taken away from me. Is that why…

“Is something bothering you?” Todoroki asked Iida.

“Oh, my apologies. I’m just…” Iida squeezed Todoroki’s hand. “Honestly, I can’t stop thinking about Tensei. He’s progressively getting worse, and I suppose I’m not…” Todoroki noticed the tears beginning to form in Iida’s eyes. “I’m not ready to lose him, if it comes to that. My only brother, and the person I’ve always looked up to… My hero. He’s always been my hero. 

“But before any of that…he’s my brother. He’s my brother, and yet, I’m so preoccupied with school and all this training…” Finally, Iida’s tears began to pour from his eyes. “Sorry. I-I shouldn’t be getting so emotional over a possibility. But I…” He lifted his head, and locking his red, tear-filled eyes with Todoroki’s eyes, he gasped, “I’m scared.” With a grimace, Iida promptly embraced Todoroki, burying his head into Todoroki’s shoulder.

Tenya… Neither of us is willing to let go. But I just keep treating you so poorly for my own selfish reasons. I don’t want to lose you, yet another important figure in my life that I cherish so much, but now that I’m starting to realize just how bad this relationship is becoming for us both, and knowing we’re the same in wanting to just keep holding on…

For your sake, I’m going to try and figure out how to end this.

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

After one week of being placed under suicide watch at the hospital, Todoroki was discharged. He’d chosen not to disclose his stay at the hospital to anyone, despite being asked multiple times by a few nurses if he was certain that he didn’t want the hospital to contact someone in his family. Thus, Todoroki was also asked if he felt safe at home, to which he simply nodded. Bakugou visited Todoroki daily, oftentimes bringing a deck of cards or a portable video game console for the two to entertain themselves with.

Todoroki could remember being handed a clipboard with two sheets of paper attached during his first day at the hospital. He’d internally let out a long sigh of relief when Bakugou was not present as he circled his answers to the tests for depression and anxiety. He wasn’t certain of his own veracity regarding the questions on the tests, but he’d indicated that his appetite had changed. Thus, when Todoroki was presented with various concerns over his weight loss and eating habits that Bakugou described, Todoroki explained that he hadn’t had much of an appetite, and that he had never purged before. Todoroki also explained that his injuries derived from intensive training rather than abuse or self-harm.

Although Todoroki had contemplated messaging Iida, he ultimately decided against it. Midoriya sent Todoroki a few messages to check in and inquire as to why he was absent from school and never answered the door at his dorm, so Todoroki replied that he was at home for personal matters.

Once Todoroki returned to his dorm, he immediately walked into the bathroom and stepped onto the scale. They didn’t force a feeding tube onto me, Todoroki thought while tearing off a thin sheet of flesh from his left thumb that was roughly the size of one of his pinky nails. One hundred and nine pounds. I can’t stand it. I gained weight. I can’t please anyone, no less myself.

Todoroki toppled onto his futon, sinking into the reverie of memories that hugged his body the moment he felt his weight sink into the futon. I always forget until I’m suddenly reminded of when I was so young that the memories are all blurry, and you would wrap me up in a towel after a bath and plop me onto my futon, tickling me and snuggling me as I laughed and flailed. I always loved it. Mom… Closing his eyes, Todoroki was seared into a pocket of memories from his childhood that he’d forgotten. Why did you have to go? I know why, but… Mom… But even she stabbed me in the back. But I deserved it. That’s always how it is. If Mom had a valid reason, everyone else has to have one too, but I’m just too selfish and ungrateful to see it.

On the bright side, I’m glad Bakugou’s been keeping me up to date with the work and assignments. Final exams are in a week, and then, spring break, and soon enough, 3-A. I don’t want to see a therapist, but I promised him I would, and I won’t go back on my word like that. Unlike everyone else… Todoroki shook his head and pulled out his phone. I can’t sign up for therapy without an adult. I don’t want to burden anyone or let any of them know. But I'd rather ask Endeavor. That way…I can tell him he should get help too. I can’t do that. He’d hurt me. He’d think I’m trying to importune him with nonsense. I don’t know…

“I was thinking about joining the running club at school so I can exercise more.”

“Shouto, your time is better spent studying.”

And then you forced me to join the track team against my will. I wasn’t looking for a competition. I was looking for something to take my mind off of school.

“Shouto, you’re joining the track team.”

“Do I have to? I’d rather join the running—”

“No, you’re joining the track team.”

“But…I’d really prefer to have something that isn’t competitive.”

“I don’t care about what you think. All that matters is what I want for you, because I’m the parent, and I want to see you win first place.”

“I—”

“We’re done discussing this.”

I forgot he said that to me… Todoroki realized as a throbbing bullet of pain sliced through his chest. I wasn’t even sad or angry at the time. I was just stunned, confused, afraid, and in disbelief. Now, all these years later… He closed his eyes. Why did you say that to me? You’ll go off about how disrespectful I am and strip my life away for doing anything you don’t agree with, but you do and say things like that to me as well. I hate your hypocrisy. I hate how two-faced you are. I hate how you only do the things that benefit you. But, then again…I’m the same, but different.

Todoroki opened up his message history with his father while yanking a sliver of skin from his left forefinger. He’d probably tell me I need therapy anyway because a normal human being can’t fuck up as much as I have, he told himself. It’s fine. But what if he forces more onto me as well and uses it to control me? Asking for anything just means I’m selfish, ungrateful, unappreciative, and will be yelled at and lectured for both asking for anything and for things that aren’t even related to it. Once the door opens, anything will come through. Whatever…

Shouto
I’ve been looking into seeing a therapist

Endeavor
Absolutely not.

A handful of scalding worms wriggled through Todoroki’s chest.

Endeavor
There’s nothing wrong with you. I’m not wasting more money on you. You are selfish to think that you would deserve it.

So, I really am just worthless…

Shouto
You might benefit from it

Todoroki swallowed thickly as Endeavor began to type.

Endeavor
You’re implying that something is wrong with me? You are a disgrace to the Todoroki name. You’re fat, incapable of doing well in school, disrespectful to your own father, and you play the victim. Stop acting like your life is miserable. It isn’t. And don’t even think about trying to insinuate that any of your failures are caused by anyone but you. Stop trying to blame other people for your problems when they’re no one’s fault but your own.

You don’t know a single fucking thing about me, Todoroki wanted to hiss as his body began to shake. I’m not miserable, but you tell me that without knowing anything I’ve been through. You don’t know that I tried to kill myself because of you, and yet, that’s my fault too. I wish I’d died. I wish I’d fucking died… He began to formulate a response to Endeavor, but shortly after he began typing his answer, he deleted his words. I can’t even risk trying to imply or insinuate anything. I can’t defend myself. I can’t do anything but hold my tongue. That’s always how it is. It makes me want to die even more so I can finally tell you all the things I’ve kept inside without consequence, and yet, my life revolves around trying not to burden or provoke you.

Shouto
I apologize for saying something easy to misinterpret. I wasn’t trying to imply anything. I just think therapy could potentially be beneficial to everyone, based on what I’ve heard

While Endeavor started typing, Todoroki tapped back to his messages with Bakugou.

Todoroki
I’m not allowed to see a therapist

Bzzt.

Endeavor
And now you’re trying to frame it to make me look stupid? Just how selfish and ungrateful can you possibly be? Not only that, but you can’t do something as simple as read a basic sentence correctly.

All I can do is hold my tongue for anything I want to say… One minute you brag about me to everyone because I’m your ‘genius’ son with all these accomplishments, and the next, you think I’m too stupid to understand basic principles like heat being hot. Your expectations are either through the roof or so impossibly low that only an animal could have such expectations, but those low expectations are always just high expectations in disguise. You say they’re low just to yell at me for meeting them because I somehow should’ve known you didn’t mean what you said to begin with, and you actually had impossibly high expectations, despite assuring me that they weren’t.

Shouto
Is everything good?

I couldn’t fucking care less about how you’re doing. I wish I could run away with Fuyumi, but she cares about you. The only reason I’d care if you died is the lack of income and everything following that, but I know I’m beyond selfish for that. After everything you’ve done for me? When you are in fact providing everything for me? When my siblings and I always get expensive things and new devices that aren’t just for special occasions? It’s funny how often you get me new devices when you only complain when I use them. Yet, if I didn’t use them, I’d be selfish since you spent a lot of money on me that I decided to waste.

Endeavor
Why would things be good when I have to deal with your failures and mistakes? You and your sister do nothing but make more work for me. Especially you. Your sister has a job and does housework, and she never complains. You have nothing to show for school, you’re not doing any extracurricular activities, you always act like your life is miserable and like you’re depressed, and you’ve lived such a privileged life like the spoiled brat you are that all your strength has turned into fat from sleeping and eating all day.

I fucking hate this… Todoroki’s tenacity threatened to crush his phone into a fine powder. Fuyumi isn’t in school. Even if she has her fiancé, of course she has time for a job. She also didn’t have to go through the hell of being in the top schools in Japan, always being expected to score in the top three for any and all exams, and being punished for ‘bad’ grades, despite always being assured that I didn’t need to stress myself out over trying to get good grades because you’d love me anyway. 

And what do you mean I act like my life is miserable? I don’t. The mask falls in one instance because I’m sick and tired of you, and you think I’m trying to look depressed? I’m not even depressed. I’m not trying to act like I am. That’d just be insulting to those who actually suffer from it. But you’re right, I am just a spoiled brat that does nothing. A stupid pet that can’t learn any tricks. A whiny bitch that will never be a man or so much as a human for its petty problems. Todoroki grit his teeth. So why did you let me turn into this?! If you hate me so much for being like this, why didn’t you stop me?! And yet, it’s still my fault, because everything is my fault.

Nothing could ever be your fault. Your parenting could never be wrong. You always know what’s best for me because I’m the child and you’re the parent, and you always do what is in my best interest because you could never be wrong about anything. Feeling his palm vibrate, Todoroki espied the screen of his phone. You won’t hesitate to call me selfish and ungrateful, but you’ll never admit that you’re also selfish and ungrateful. You lambaste me for my minor and major flaws alike, but no one is allowed to call out your flaws, even if they’re the same ones we have that you so despise. Only you are allowed to have flaws, despite trying to tell me I’m not perfect, and that’s perfectly okay.

You justify your bullshit with ‘because I can,’ ‘because I said so,’ ‘because I’m the parent,’ and more bullshit because you can’t even make a logical argument for it. That’s all I want to hear… I want a logical argument. I want valid evidence. I want facts. But you can't even present any of that because you just want to control me since you know ‘what’s best’ for me. Yet, ‘because I said so’ just proves that you don’t care and lack a valid rationale. I’d understand if you gave your rationale with evidence to back it up, but you’re always incapable of that, somehow, despite always demanding one from me, and even if I give you all the damning evidence in the world, it’s just a Hail Mary, and you’ll never listen.

“Do you like celery?” Endeavor asked.

Todoroki shook his head. I don’t hate it, but I don’t particularly like it. I’ll eat it if I have to, but I’d never go out of my way to eat it.

Endeavor rolled his eyes. “I know you like celery.”

Todoroki shook his head again. Then why did you ask if you already knew, even if you actually didn’t know? Stop asking me questions where you’d think you can give any answer, but actually, you’re only looking for me to say what you want to hear. If I don’t say what you want to hear, I’m wrong, even if I’m objectively right. It’s just a waste of time…

“You do like celery. You just don’t want to admit it.”

You always say I put words in your mouth, and that’s part of the reason why I never talk to you anymore, but you’re always the one putting words in my mouth. Despite how much you hate it when you feel like someone is controlling you or putting words in your mouth, that’s exactly what you do to me all the time, but I’m not allowed to say a word about it or so much as imply it’s there to begin with.

You assume everything about me, and you’re almost always wrong, but you won’t believe me when I tell you it’s wrong, even if it’s something so basic. Just like a child assuming the ‘best interests’ for a pet… Todoroki cast his gaze to the unread notification on his phone. Whatever… It doesn’t matter. I’m just being dramatic. Who spends the majority of their day getting caught up in things that already happened that they can’t even change? I have so many other things I could be doing, and yet, I spend all this time on this. I can’t stop myself. It’s just…embarrassing. It’s so fucking shameful. Why? Why can’t I stop? I’m so tired of this…and yet, I’m the only one to blame for it.

Bakugou
Really? You sure you’re not saying that to get out of it?

I want to die…

Todoroki
Really. Here’s proof

After sending a picture of Endeavor’s first reply to Todoroki’s message about seeing a therapist, Todoroki let out a long, fiery sigh as though to liquidate the thoughts beleaguering his mind. I knew I shouldn’t have tried to help Endeavor, either. All that’s ever done is harm. I try being nice to you and helping you, and you find something to tear me apart for. Even if I’m trying to deal with something, I give you kindness and patience anyway. You never do the same, but I’m always expected to give it to you. You always take your anger out on me, but the moment you think I’m angry or upset—whether or not I am—you take everything from me, you yell at me, you lecture me, you hit me, you tell me I have no right to be angry… 

I’m not angry, but your assumption that I am when I’m not that I can’t even challenge is beyond annoying. I tried to work things out with you. I tried to establish boundaries. I tried to just be there for you, even when you broke all those boundaries. I tried. I tried… I gave you all the time, kindness, and patience I had, but it’s never enough. Your boundaries matter. I need to respect them. Mine? Mine are a rug beneath your feet. But no matter how much it hurt, there was nothing I could do but smile as you walked all over me—crushed me and dirtied me—with your ‘love.’ But it’s still my fault you punish me. Shame on me for letting my ego show again. It’s always my fault. No matter what I fucking do, it’s always my fault.

No matter what, I’m always selfish too. I’m selfish for being myself. I’m selfish for needing help. I’m selfish for just trying to keep myself together because I can’t stand you. I’m selfish for trying. I’m selfish for asking. I’m selfish for not making my life revolve around you. I’m selfish for thinking you’re anything but the perfect father. I’m selfish for trying to make improvements in my life. I’m selfish for changing to be what you want me to be. I’m selfish for not changing to be what you want me to be. I’m selfish for trying to help you. I’m selfish for trying to negotiate. I’m selfish for not liking some of the things you say and do. I’m selfish for telling you what I don’t like. I’m selfish for even thinking that some of the things you do aren’t okay. I’m selfish for having my own thoughts.

I’m selfish for not agreeing with you on everything. I’m selfish for remembering. I’m selfish for forgetting. I’m selfish for existing. I’m selfish for not wanting to exist. I’m selfish for wanting to do things with my life. I’m selfish for not wanting to do everything you want me to do with my life. I’m selfish for eating. I’m selfish for not being hungry when you want me to be. I can’t escape… Even when I’m on my knees making myself vomit everything inside me, I’m still left with all the things truly keeping me fat and preventing me from escaping. It’s not the calories, is it? It’s all the things I can’t throw up, no matter how long I spend inducing it. Why? Why can’t it just work? Why can’t I just fucking get rid of these selfish things? It’s like they’ve all become fat, so no matter how much I throw up, the fat remains, but my stomach is empty, and I’m still fat.

Bakugou
Damn, why the hell’s he so against it?

Todoroki
I don’t know. Maybe he thinks I won’t have enough time to study and train

I just want to die.

Todoroki
Do I really matter to you, Bakugou?

Bakugou
You think I'd go out of my way to do all this shit and let myself be a weak, vulnerable piece of shit in front of you if I didn’t care? 

Bakugou
Todoroki, don’t do something stupid.

Bakugou
Anything you wanna talk about?

It hurts so much. I want to drown it out. I want out. I want to die. I’m so sick of this. Why did my life turn out like this? Why am I even asking that? I’ve always known: because of me. I did this all to my fucking self, but I have the audacity to spend all this time constantly complaining to myself about it. So how do I get out? How? Because I don’t fucking know…

Todoroki
Oh, no, but thanks

Bakugou
I’m going to your dorm.

Todoroki slammed his phone on the floor and began to frantically nail the side of his right fist into his right knee.

Tump! Tump! Tump! Tump!

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

Todoroki couldn’t remember how long he’d bashed his fist into his knee, but his right hand trembled in cold, numb, sizzling pain. His knee throbbed, and he could foretell that both his hand and knee would be bruised by the next day. He winced at the scorching waves of pain squeezing through his right limbs, tensing his muscles and panting.

It hurts, but how else am I supposed to deal with all this? Todoroki inwardly drawled while gripping his pulsating right wrist. I’m not allowed to say anything about it. I’m so tired. No break is ever long enough, either. I’m jaded with this same routine of pernicious hell. Right when I think things are letting up, things just go back downhill. It’s always a false sense of hope. Like sticking an animal on a treadmill and dangling a treat in front of them, it’s futile to try. If giving up completely is weak and stupid, getting up and trying would be even more of a challenge. I don’t know what to do…

“I’ll do anything to do something other than join the track team.”

“If you bring this up one more time, I’m taking all of your things. This is for you. You need this. You should be grateful. Other kids don’t get opportunities like this. Your brother was in the track team for years. You’ll be grateful I made you do this.”

“Why do I need it, though?”

“Because I said so.”

For me? Todoroki felt his core swell and burn with a torrent of emotions he could not describe. If it were ‘for me,’ you could’ve at least let me pick something I wanted. You denied letting me sign up for the running club but forced me into track. Not every kid wants to do sports or play them competitively. Natsu isn’t me. Even now, I’m not grateful at all, but how selfish and shallow I must be to think that way. He grimaced and stood up, limping to his door and unlocking it in anticipation of Bakugou arriving promptly. I cried until there was nothing left from all the stress, and you told me it wasn’t okay for me to be crying over it, and that you were angry at me for crying. I couldn’t sleep, eat, or focus. I couldn’t do anything without breaking down. And you…

I’m just a puppet on a pair of strings. It’s like my life is a video game, and my dialogue and pathway options seem like they’d change my fate, but they’re all either the illusion of choice, or the ‘bad’ options. I’ll act on my own, but, ultimately, my life is not mine to live. Todoroki tugged his right sleeve over his swollen wrist. Even after all that, I still can’t stop getting trapped in the past. Get over it, Shouto. You’re making a scene over nothing. The more you think about it, the worse it gets. Forget. Accept it. Move on. Then, you can live your life so much more peacefully. If you’d stop being a narcissist and just move on, your life would be that much easier. As always, you’re the problem, but you want to blame it on someone else. Burn your—

Tonk, tonk.

Feigning a strained smile, Todoroki opened the door to his dorm, allowing Bakugou to step inside. Yet, Todoroki’s smile wavered when he espied the sandwich Bakugou held on a paper plate.

And now this? Todoroki thought as a thick, thousand-degree smog began to asphyxiate his chest. It never ends. I want out. I can't take this. I feel like my skin is peeling off of my soul.

Letting out a sigh, Bakugou set the plate on Todoroki’s desk. “You don’t have to eat all of it. But, oi. You look…” He squinted, scrutinizing Todoroki’s countenance. “You look tired. Something happen?” He crossed his arms and leaned up against the wall beside the desk.

Todoroki sat at his desk and picked up the closest half of the sandwich. “No,” he murmured before taking a bite from the triangular corner of the combination of sourdough bread, lettuce, egg, chicken, and mayonnaise. “I—”

With the sharp tilt of his head, Bakugou spat, “Shut the fuck up.” Vitriol dripped from his jagged words like venom from a crown of fangs.

Glancing away, Todoroki pinched his irises with his eyelids ever so slightly. I thought you… So everything you know about me is just to backstab me? Fine… He bit into the sandwich again, but he began to pick at his left pinky finger around the cuticle with his left thumb.

“Listen, I just want you to cut the bullshit, Todoroki,” growled Bakugou. “I know you aren’t yourself. Is it just hard to live with everything right now?” His brows lowered.

It’s so fucking difficult to keep going… Todoroki glanced up at Bakugou, whose crestfallen expression ruptured a vein of emotion within him. Don’t look at me like that. All I do is hurt everyone. I’m so fucking useless… I want to die, Bakugou. Please make it end. I don’t know what to do. I don’t fucking know! I can’t even get help if I wanted it. What am I supposed to do? Tell me. Please tell me… He felt a smile tug on his lips again as a revelation rent his psyche like a paper shredder to a piece of paper. You’re the only one who’s really done anything to help… Why isn’t the person in front of me Tenya? Why? Why you? The person who says he loves me more than anyone else…

“Being gay is morally wrong, it’s an impediment to human evolution, and it’s a vile act for attention.”

No it isn’t… 

Please fucking help me.

Gazing into Bakugou’s crimson eyes with a glassy set of eyes, Todoroki shook his head. “Not really.” He felt his smile twitch further onto his cheeks as he inhaled deeply.

Please, Bakugou…

“Was it rough seeing me bring the sandwich?” Bakugou’s mien softened.

More than you could imagine. I feel sick just thinking about it.

“Not really.”

“Is it more something or more someone making things shitty?”

“Someone…”

Bakugou pursed his lips and expelled a long sigh. “Endeavor?” He tapped his fingers in a sequential wave against the wall when Todoroki shrugged. “Hard to live when the people you’re stuck with constantly fuck up your life, huh? Seeing other people look up to and love their parents sometimes just makes me mad. I could’ve had that. I should’ve had that. But nah, the people supposed to be the most important to me like I should be the most important to them are the cause of most of my problems. It’s similar for you, ain’t it?” He crossed his arms, casting his sullen gaze to Todoroki.

Yes, but I could never say that outright. I’m not even allowed to think like that. Believing something like that…is just being the same as him and blaming everyone else for my problems.

Todoroki shrugged again, running his index finger along the soft, porous surface of the sandwich. “Not really.” He peeled off a caramel-brown strip of bread crust from the edge of the top piece of bread.

With a light snort, Bakugou raised a brow. “You just don’t wanna admit it, do you?” He squinted his eyes. “I overheard your whole backstory during the Sports Festival when you told Deku. Y’know what we call that? Trauma.” He shrugged. “You ever have nightmares related to your family?”

Even if it were to be considered ‘trauma,’ that doesn’t define my entire view of the people involved. At least you give explanations when you tell me I’m wrong, and at least you were actually right, unlike Endeavor.

“Sometimes.” Todoroki closed his eyes, tunneling through the haze of his memories.

Fuck, I forgot about most of these, Todoroki realized as his blood twisted into barbed webs; each movement sank dozens of barbs into his nerves. Stop. I don’t want to remember. 

“What’re they usually about?” Bakugou asked.

They’re all violent and disturbing. I’m usually getting attacked or murdered, or I’m running away or hiding. So many of them are of me finally saying something about Endeavor’s bullshit, and him yelling at me and beating me for it as I cry on the ground because I’m too weak to fight back.

Shrugging, Todoroki mumbled, “Getting yelled at for something.”

Bakugou lifted his chin. “That makes sense. Can’t even catch a break in your dreams. Further adds to my point. It affects you enough to give you nightmares about it.”

Please don’t psychoanalyze my dreams. I don’t even want to think about what they mean, even if it’s obvious.

“Do you ever have family-related nightmares?” Todoroki figured he’d ask.

Bakugou chuckled a faint, lachrymal chuckle. “All the time. Like last night.” His eyes lowered to the floor.

“Do you mind if I ask what it was about?”

Bakugou audibly emptied his lungs. “It got a little graphic. I was in some garage with my old hag, and she started chewing me out for some shit. So, I punched her in the jaw and grabbed a screwdriver that was sitting out on this dusty, metal table. I immediately started gouging out her eye with it as she screamed and fell back against a metal shelf. Ugh, God, the sound and feeling of the metal screwdriver going right through her eye and stabbing into her skull… That shit’s gonna be at the back of my head for all eternity. I stabbed and swiped down every time, so it also made this awful grating-scraping sound on the bone while her eye was being torn apart like a boiled egg.

“I grabbed her head and bashed it back as hard as I could against the shelf, but it didn’t knock her out. Blood was squirting onto me, and she was screaming, but I was just so angry in that dream that I took the screwdriver and just…bashed it between her teeth and gums to pry out and crack out her front two teeth.” Bakugou let out a long sigh. “They clicked as they hit the floor. Then, I grabbed her wrists and took that screwdriver stained with all her blood, eye fluids, and saliva, and I stabbed it down as hard as I could into the palm of her hand—which ended up being both of her hands since she’d moved her other hand and went to try and knock the screwdriver from me.

“And oh, God, the fleshy yet dull pop that I heard and felt from stabbing her, and then the tip of the screwdriver hitting and scraping against the metal floor… It almost reminds me of…” Abruptly, Bakugou paused, and his scarlet eyes widened. “Never… Never mind.” He rapidly blinked, shaking his head. “Where was I? Right. She… I left the screwdriver in her hands, and I started trying to strangle her, but she just wouldn’t die, so I tried breaking her neck, but that also wasn’t working. So, I…bashed the back of her head into the corner of the metal table, which finally knocked her out. But I kept going. I got a saw from the back of the garage, and I’ll spare you the details, but let’s just say I literally fucking dissected her with it. I… Yeah.”

Todoroki wasn’t sure how to respond. He watched Bakugou comb his fingers through his hair, shifting his jaw in the process. As Todoroki mulled over his words, he envisioned the sanguine scenes Bakugou had described.

“That’s…” Todoroki began, glancing up at Bakugou. “That must’ve been terrifying. Are you okay after remembering it?” He noted how Bakugou’s brows wrinkled, and how Bakugou took a deep breath in.

“Yeah, fine,” Bakugou insisted, despite how he flicked his eyes to Todoroki for a fraction of a second before staring back at the opposite wall. “Didn’t mean to dump that shit on you.”

Todoroki shook his head. “I don’t mind.” He nodded, locking eyes with Bakugou for an ephemeral moment again. “But it did sound like something really bothered you. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

I feel like he remembered something horrific if that made him remember. Bakugou… I can tell it’s killing you to pretend like it’s nothing, but you won’t talk about it. I’ll try this…

“Just some shit from a long time ago,” sighed Bakugou, despite how he tucked his trembling hands into his pockets with a shrug. “Took me by surprise.”

“Bullshit,” Todoroki replied with a cold yet lackadaisical varnish on his deep voice.

Bakugou’s brows peeled up, and he cracked a smirk. “Givin’ me a taste of my own medicine, huh?” he chuckled, but the levity of his words swiftly disintegrated, and in its place, a hefty smog swallowed up his voice and expression. “I’m…gonna have to process it all first. It just…” Trenches of black squirmed over his forehead. “It explains a lot. Fuck. Whatever. I’m sure Endeavor ain’t the only one making things difficult for you.”

Todoroki gradually dug out another piece of skin from his left thumb. “I guess not.”

“Lemme guess, Glasses is also on the list.”

As though an IV had been wedged into Todoroki’s heart, his chest ached with a deluge of frigid, squirming shame. “Kind of…” He stared down at the sandwich in his hand before closing his eyes.

“You’re the most important person to me.”

So why…

“I will make you my first priority.”

Why are you…

“I love you, Shouto.”

“Why hasn’t he…” Todoroki swallowed thickly, but his body urged him to vomit the words rotting in his stomach. “I don’t know…” He set the sandwich back on the plate and tore a strip of skin from his left index finger. “It’s not important. I’m sorry. You don’t have to waste your time on me.”

Bakugou shook his head, pushing off the wall and kneeling beside Todoroki. “It is important, and it’s important to me, Todoroki,” Bakugou asserted with vehement conviction. “You just listened to me say all that disturbing shit, so, really, it’s only fair, ain’t it?”

Why won’t he tell me that? You’re lying. Endeavor’s told me the same thing just to prove his own hypocrisy. I’m not falling for it again. No more. But I want to believe you. I want to believe you so much. That’s what I thought with Tenya too… That’s always how it ends. I want to believe, so I do because I’d be selfish otherwise, and because I believed… 

“I can’t say it,” whispered Todoroki, who hissed in pain when his right hand was grasped. “I can’t…”

But I want to scream it all out. It’s probably the same for you. You want so badly to be heard for once on something weighing on you, but…

Inhaling deeply, Bakugou melted his voice into a warm, poignant hum. “How come?” He scrupulously examined the red, swollen patch of skin on Todoroki’s hand.

You’ll judge me and tell me how wrong and selfish I am. I don’t want you to know or worry. I’m afraid of telling anyone.

“I don’t know…” Todoroki’s voice was like a drifting seed from a dandelion puff.

Please.

“You afraid I’ll tell Glasses? No? Are you trying not to burden me? Figured. Would I be here if you were truly just burdening me? No. I came here for you because I care about you, dumbass. I’m not here to use you. I could’ve just kept texting you, but it seems like actions speak louder than words to you, so I came here to prove a point as well. I’ve been listening, Todoroki. Not just hearing you and pretending to listen or understand, but actually listening.”

Todoroki didn’t know how to verbalize or illustrate the arrant deluge of emotions reverberating through his body like electric waves. His heart throbbed and gasped, his chest was tight and shaking, and his head was drowned with a white sea that benumbed his senses. His thinly-parted lips trembled, and time became a cold bullet puncturing his chest.

No one’s ever done that… Todoroki realized while attempting to cough up a response. No one. No one. You really listened. You followed through on your word. You never judged me. You’ve always… I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to pour everything I’m feeling out. But I don’t know how. I don’t know how… I feel like I’m suffocating. I can’t breathe. All he did was actually listen to me and try to understand me, and yet… His heart was pulverized by the small, gentle smile, and tantalizing, open arms in front of him. I’m falling apart all because someone is doing something as simple as that… Is it…

“...really okay if…” Like a pane of glass shattering from end to end by a nick to the corner, Todoroki’s voice disintegrated into a guttural gasp that faded into an inferno of silence when Bakugou nodded, cocooning Todoroki into his arms.

Todoroki’s expression contorted into a strained, rippling mix of cold stupefaction and unvarnished, unfettered, excruciating pain—the kind of pain that scraped at his soul. His mouth hung agape, translucent droplets clung to the corners of his eyes, and a fiery, pinkish-red suffused his cheeks. Todoroki was paralyzed in the undying flames of Bakugou’s tangible sincerity, unable to speak, breathe, or blink as his body was bombarded with a volley of impulses.

I don’t understand… I don’t understand at all! Todoroki wanted to cry as his mouth was slowly wrenched shut; his teeth ground together as his chin dug into Bakugou’s shoulder. I don’t know what I’m feeling. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know… It hurts. It hurts so much. I wish you were Tenya, but you’re not. You’re not… Why isn’t he here? Why isn’t he the one? Why? Why? I wanted him to break me. And yet… His chest heaved as Bakugou took a deep breath in and a slow breath out. How am I supposed to break up with the person I still live to seek validation from? Am I just supposed to accept…that I did all this to myself for someone I’m just going to leave anyway? Why? Why, then? Why did I do all this to myself?!

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

Todoroki could remember closing his eyes in an endeavor to cut off the thunder of emotion roaring through him. He could remember swaying back and forth in a slow, steady cadence in a warm bundle of fabric, sugar, and flesh. He could remember being lulled into a state of ataraxy as his eyes grew heavier, and the livid wildfire of thoughts and feelings clawing at his mind began to simmer.

When Todoroki opened his leaden eyes, he finally reciprocated the embrace Bakugou had placated his mental entropy with. “Thank you…” whispered Todoroki in a frail voice as he tightened his grip around Bakugou before withdrawing from the hug. “I’m fine now. I just… What have I done wrong? How badly have I treated Tenya to have you notice and act on the things I can’t say, but he hasn’t? I know you can't answer that, but it hurts. I’ve tried to tell him in so many ways, and nothing works.” He rubbed his eyes. “I don’t want to ask anything of him while we’re taking time away from each other. All I’ve been is selfish. I really don’t deserve him. It’s not his fault. It’s all mine.”

Bakugou shifted his position so he sat cross-legged. “It’s not completely your fault, and it’s not completely his fault, damn extra,” he replied. “Why do you think everything is always just your fault and no one else’s?”

“It’s your fault she died. Stop trying to blame anyone but yourself! That’s all you ever do, Shouto! Now say it’s your fault!”

“It’s no—”

Todoroki swallowed his crumbling sentence once he saw his father begin to raise his hand and crouch down. Thousands of volcanic suction cups pulverized Todoroki’s body, ripping his blistering skin from his bones. He felt like an ice cube the size of a golf ball was stuck at the back of his throat, silencing his breaths. Immediately, Todoroki dropped to his knees and cried:

“It’s my fault…”

Later that night, Todoroki discovered that the comic book he’d mentioned to Endeavor that he was considering buying was lying on his desk.

Todoroki pointed his nose to the tatami mats at his feet. “Because I know it is,” he murmured. “It’s been proven time and time again. If I’d just done something differently, I wouldn’t have created my own misfortune. I’ve always been the problem. Even when it feels so unfair and cruel, it’s still my fault.”

“Why’s that?”

“It’s what I’ve been told my entire life.”

“Who’s been telling you that?”

With a forlorn smile, Todoroki sighed, “Endeavor.” The name he’d uttered left hot, bitter acid on his tongue.

“If you’d taken your studies and training more seriously, you wouldn’t have ended up like this.”

Bakugou nodded, closing his eyes for a moment. “What’s an example of him telling you that?” He tilted his head.

Todoroki cast his gaze to the door behind Bakugou. “One day, I got home late from school. I had a track meet after, and I forgot to tell him. He never showed up to any, so I guess I didn’t really think about it. I walked home afterwards, and…” His chest began to convulse with paroxysms of pain. “He kind of hurt me…” He paused, sealing off the words flaking off of his memories as his body flinched from merely the memory of being repeatedly hit. “He told me my behavior was unacceptable. I apologized and explained what happened, and he told me… He told me I was useless, selfish, and disrespectful. He took my phone and my futon, and he cut the power to my room. He also wouldn’t let me eat for the rest of the day. 

“He told me he wouldn’t need to punish me so often if I’d stop fucking things up, and that I’m the only one responsible for my own actions. ‘If only you were the child I wanted.’” Todoroki grit his teeth, sucking in a sharp breath of air that sliced the back of his throat. “No matter what I’ve done, I’ve never been able to be the child he wanted. I don’t know what I’ve been doing wrong. I don’t know why I can’t do anything right. I don’t know how to be that child when every attempt backfires, and once again, it’s my fault. I’m sorry… I’m sorry I’m like this. I’m sorry I’m wasting your time. I’m sorry…I’m even alive.

“If I’d just kept to myself and bled out… If I’d just died there… If I’d just kept the door locked…” Todoroki buried his face into his hands and hissed, “I wouldn’t have wasted the time of the staff at the hospital. I wouldn’t have made others wait. I wouldn’t have put you through that stressful situation. Why did I live? Why didn’t I die? Why? Why, Bakugou?! Why the hell am I even alive?! All I do is fuck things up and make everyone around me miserable. I’m only ever thinking about myself. I don’t deserve to be alive. I’m just a fucking waste of a life. I hate myself… I lived because I couldn’t say goodbye, and where did that get me?” He shook his head, not daring to glimpse at Bakugou’s dejected gaze.

For a while, the room was pervaded by a thick fog of silence, but that silence was set ablaze by a gravelly voice. “It sucks, doesn’t it?” Bakugou sighed. “Just living is a nightmare when everything goes wrong at every turn. I don’t know the hell you’ve been through, but listen to me, Todoroki… Look me in the eyes.” He waited for Todoroki’s red, glassy eyes to meet his. “What Endeavor did to you there was not okay. None of what I’ve heard him do to you has been okay. That’s not good parenting. That’s kinda just brainwashing. We all forget things. It’s okay. But what he did was cruel. You weren’t at fault for that, Todoroki. You weren’t. Any normal parent would’ve given a lecture at most.

“Todoroki, he’s probably never going to say anything is his fault, if that’s how he is. Sounds to me like he wants you to take the blame for everything to ease whatever he’s dealing with. But you’re never going to be the child he wants. Why? Because you’re you, and whoever the fuck he’s looking for doesn’t exist. You can’t be someone you’re not. It’s not your fucking job to please him. That’s not your purpose in life. He’s never gonna be pleased. I can’t tell you why yer alive, but fact of the matter is that you are, so you lived for a reason. Todoroki, I’m just grateful for your being alive. Just knowing you are brightens my day. You’re not alone, ‘kay? Let me help you.”

What Endeavor’s done to me…isn’t okay? Todoroki reiterated to himself while attempting to digest Bakugou’s words. But that’s all he’s ever done. My entire life… This whole time, it hasn’t been okay? Nothing has ever been okay? All those punishments, words, promises… Everything? No. Because if that’s really the case…

Shaking his head with a pulsating surge of vituperation and dubiety boiling over his skin, Todoroki spat, “So, you just want me to believe my entire life has been a lie, I’ve always been a wasted life to the person I’ve lived to mean something to, I’ve been chosen by fate itself to be thrown into a shitty, inescapable family and home that fucked everything up for me… Since the beginning, I had no chance? I was set up for failure by fate itself? The people who are supposed to love me the most and do their best to raise me well… There was never room for me from the beginning? I was betrayed by the same people who promised me time and time again they’d always love me and be there for me? They only promised those nice things, did those nice things, said those nice things…to use me?” His hands curled into red fists.

On one hand, a part of me wants to believe it, but certainly, there’s no way I’m allowed to truly believe it. Everything I know… Everything I was taught… Everything my life was built on… Everything I did and sacrificed for you… Everything I did to myself… Everything I went through… No. I never went through anything. It’s nothing. Any kid would do all this to make their parents happy. That’s just normal. Stop trying to blame him, Shouto. Stop projecting. It’s all your fault. That’s always how it’s been. That’s always how it’ll be. You don’t know your place. He didn’t do anything wrong, no matter how unfair it felt…

Right?

“Now you’re jumping to some wild conclusions,” Bakugou sighed with an undertone of mirth in his husky voice. “But suppose I was saying that. Would you be okay with the conclusions you’ve reached?”

“Not at all…” Todoroki took a few deep breaths in. “Not at all… How could I be?”

Bakugou nodded. “Good. So you still do have some respect for yourself.” He flashed a slight smirk. “But regardless of whether or not it’s true, just know you’ve got people outside of yer family who care. People completely uninvolved with your family and trauma still care, and we’re right here, dumbass. Hate to admit it, but without you, I’d have been dead. I’m glad I’m still here, cuz otherwise, you wouldn't be either, and I wanna keep making more memories with you. We said we’d go to the arcade, yeah?”

But how do I know you’re not just lying to make me feel better? cogitated Todoroki, who plastered on a smile. It hurts. I don’t know what to believe. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what the hell to feel. It’s too much. Have I fucked up my entire life because I can’t do anything right, or did the people who are supposed to love me the most deliberately fuck everything up for me from the very beginning under the guise of it all being for me? No matter what, it’s just… His smile fractured into a thousand fragments as a frigid needle tore through his chest. It’s not even worth it to keep living. No matter how you look at it, I’m a mistake. I’m pathetic. I shouldn’t be alive. I want to die. I want to die, but…I also want more memories with you…

As Todoroki picked up his partially eaten sandwich piece and began to rapidly bite into it, Bakugou placed his hand on Todoroki’s shoulder. “But I’m still not okay with how much weight you’ve lost, so lemme make a proposal: I wanna start making breakfast and dinner with you. I know you clearly aren’t eating enough, and you barely leave your dorm. I’m not just gonna stand by, Todoroki. I’m sick of just letting you destroy yourself behind my back.” He observed as Todoroki began to chomp through the second half of the sandwich. “How long’s it been since you last ate?”

I abhor the idea of it, but, more than anything, I also wanted this more than anything. I thought I’d finally feel relieved to get it. I thought I’d change my mind. I thought… Why can’t I even feel grateful for it? The thing I tried so fucking hard to convey to Tenya… I hate myself. Although Todoroki’s body beseeched that he cease his hasty indulgence by the time he’d eaten the first half of the sandwich, Todoroki soon swallowed down the rest of the lump of calories in his hand. I hate myself so fucking much. I’ll just throw it up later.

“Thank you for being soft, Bakugou,” Todoroki teasingly whispered, feeling a familiar, pink serpent slash through his neutral expression. “Probably yesterday.” He slid the paper plate into the bin beside his desk. “The sandwich was good.”

Bakugou rolled his eyes. “Shut it. But yeah, figured as much. Were you diagnosed with anything at the hospital? You don’t have to say any specifics.”

Todoroki’s stomach gurgled, stretching and squeezing at the mountain of calories he’d shoved into his body. “No,” he replied, standing up and promptly washing his hands in the bathroom.

“Todoroki…you’re not gonna get anywhere if you keep denying everything that’s going on,” grumbled Bakugou. “You know it’s not normal or healthy to obsess over food and calories, right?”

“I don’t.”

“Todoroki.”

Returning to his desk beside Bakugou, Todoroki picked at his left thumb from underneath the canopy of his right hand. “I’m fine, Bakugou.” Todoroki’s voice was like a flake of ash.

“Did Endeavor deny you the right to have any problems too?”

Todoroki’s left eye twitched. “Not really.”

“You should have no problems with your homework. You have no excuse for not knowing how to do it other than choosing not to pay attention in class! Unacceptable. Apologize for your stupidity.”

“I’m sorry…”

“Speak up.”

“I’m sorry.”

“SPEAK UP!”

“I’m sorry!”

Thwack!

“You’re getting the belt this time. Always complaining and angry when there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re far too privileged and spoiled for that. Shape up, Shouto.”

“Oi?”

Tumbling back into reality from the boiling ocean of his memories, Todoroki swallowed thickly. “Sorry.” He closed his eyes, visibly recoiling at the memory of the metal belt buckle cracking against his spine. “I just…” He rested his elbows on his desk, shielding his eyes with his hands. “Please leave…”

“I’m so proud of you, Shouto. You worked hard to win first place.”

But the next day…

“Do I have to take honors for this class too? My entire schedule would be honors classes.”

Last year was difficult enough…

“You’re taking it. My biggest concern is that you won’t have enough work, otherwise. All you do is sleep and eat outside of school. Maybe this will incentivize you to finally take your studies seriously. Your life isn’t difficult. Other people are in clubs or playing a sport, and they manage just fine. Get over it.”

You say that like I don’t already spend hours training to the point of collapsing or throwing up every day…

The muscles lining Todoroki’s face were pulled taut as his brows scrunched towards his eyes. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and immediately, an impulse like molten lava shrieked through his veins. Despite that impulse ringing through his core, Todoroki curled into himself instead. He wanted to rip the memories flooding into him like wires from a computer, but all he could do was sink into the pandemonium crashing through his skull.

“Todoroki, I’m not—”

“I’m serious, Bakugou,” Todoroki uttered without emotion. “I’ll text you every few minutes so you know I’m alive, if that’s what you want.”

Bakugou squinted his eyes and clicked his tongue. “Fine.” Slapping his hands against his pants with a shrug, he exited Todoroki’s dorm.

I’m sorry… Todoroki thought while ruthlessly bashing his right fist against his throbbing knee once again. I’m sorry. If the pain inside won’t stop, I’ll just distract myself with physical pain. He let out a sputtering hiss, shaking his right hand that sizzled at the surface and plunged his nerves into a deep, screaming frenzy at the slightest contact. Damn. It hurts. It hurts. Lock the door. A faint groan escaped his throat as he hobbled to the door and turned the lock with a clunk. Ow, ow, ow. It’s burning. It’s throbbing. I made it ten times worse. Fuck.

After messaging Bakugou that he was alive, Todoroki locked himself in the bathroom. I know you don’t want me to do this, but I want anything but those fucking memories. I can’t help it. He began to abuse his gag reflex, injecting his mind full of memories from his past incidents of finding himself in the same position on the bathroom floor. He’s trying to help me, and he’s trying to get me to stop, and yet, I’m being selfish. I can’t escape. I can’t escape my obsession with losing weight, the urge to die, the constant exhaustion, my family situation, my past, my future, constant work, lying to maintain appearances…

“Stop acting depressed.”

I’m not depressed.

“There is nothing in this world you have any right being angry about!”

I’m not angry.

“You can’t possibly be sad, Shouto. Over this? Get over it.”

I’m not sad.

Todoroki heaved forward, gagging as he repeatedly shoved the tips of his fingers into the back of his throat. I’m just… He coughed and clutched his stomach with his free hand. I’m just tired… Is this even an emotion? It’s like my entire body is wrapped in heavy chains. Just breathing is exhausting. I just want to throw everything up until I’m completely crushed. Todoroki dug his fingers as far as he could into the warm, soft, and slimy tube he’d grown familiar with. The fatter I am, the harder it is to succumb. ‘You’ll starve before you get the body you want.’ Right now, that sounds like the best escape I could hope for…

Chapter Text

Tenya Iida

Ever since Todoroki stayed the night at Bakugou’s house, Iida felt a rapidly growing distance between himself and Todoroki. He’d noticed how Todoroki spent more time with Bakugou, how Todoroki wore more smiles around Bakugou than him, and how, more recently, Todoroki no longer walked to his dorm in the mornings for the two to walk to class together. Although Iida would typically inquire as to whether or not Todoroki was all right, and if Todoroki was eating, Iida refrained from pressing his worries after he and Todoroki separated themselves from each other.

It hurts, thought Iida, who stared down at the picture he’d taken of himself and Todoroki on the first day of school that year. I don’t want to tell you how much it’s been hurting me. I’m sure it’s all just a misunderstanding. Right, Shouto? A small, clear puddle dripped onto the soft glow of his phone. But if he makes you happier than what we had… If you love him, then, by all means, take him, but please don’t give me the false hope that this is only a temporary distance between us. I love you. My feelings for you are still just as strong. I hate the idea of you falling for someone else. 

Mopping up the thin rivulets leaking from his eyes with his sleeves, Iida inhaled until his lungs ached. Did I do something wrong? Have I not adequately been providing for your needs? Why do you prefer him? What is he doing differently from me? He expelled all the air scorching his chest. I’ve always reminded you that you can tell me anything, I’ll always be there for you, I’ll always be happy to listen… I’ve told you my worries, proposed my solutions, and integrated a balance into our schedules, but you’d rather be with him. Is this my fault, Shouto? I don’t know. You won’t say anything. I don’t know what to do. But what I do know…

Is that you seem so much happier with him.

Tenya
Shouto, I love you dearly, but I don’t believe I’m the right person for you, based on everything that’s happened. I think you would be happier with someone else. If you feel similarly, tell me. I don’t want an answer you think I want to hear. I want the truth, no matter what it is. Do you truly still want to be with me?

“Please tell me I’m wrong,” Iida gasped as a flood of tears poured down his pink, twitching cheeks. “Please… I love you. I love you, but that’s why I think we should put an end to this. I’ve never felt the way I do with you before. I love you, but I’m not the person who can make you happy, am I? That’s not me… I want to be that person because I love and care about you, but someone else is doing it better than I can. Please tell me I’ve been seeing it all wrong. That I’m misunderstanding. That…I can keep loving you the way I used to. I don’t want to lose you.” He clenched his sore, trembling jaw when Todoroki began to type.

“Please, Tensei, stop hiding things, and especially from your doctor. What if withholding information leads to serious or irreversible damage? What if…it kills you?”

“It’s insignificant information. You don’t need—”

“No matter what you say, I will always worry, Tensei. You’re my brother. Why are you withholding information at all? You know transparency is critical.”

“Look… All right. I’ll be honest when I say I’m already very ashamed. All the people I’ve let down, the strength I should’ve had, the mistakes I made, the stress I’ve put you through… I don’t want you to worry. You shouldn’t have to be the one taking care of me at all. If I could just look that much stronger, it’d be easier on us all. But I guess I’m not very good at lying, am I? 

“I just… Tenya, I can’t tell you how much I hate myself for winding up like this. I hate that you have to see me like this at all. I hate the concern written all over your face every time you visit. I’m not even strong enough to look strong to give you some peace of mind. Some big brother I am. It’s pathetic. I’m pathetic. Sometimes, I almost wonder if it’d been better if I’d just died then.”

Tensei…

Just tell me you do or don’t want me. Swishing surges of pain rattled through Iida’s chest like a coin in a drying machine. Give me a direct answer. Don’t leave us both in this uncomfortable space where neither love nor letting go feels appropriate. Tell me, Shouto. Tell me…no matter how much it might hurt me. I also can’t stand seeing you starve yourself and lie to my face about it. No matter how much I try to help, bring it up, or provide resources for it, you only get thinner. You won’t be honest with me, and you promised you would be. Are you honest with him? If I’d connected the dots to an eating disorder sooner, could I have prevented this? 

You’ve gotten so concerningly thin, but because of this break, it feels too awkward to say anything. I wish I’d realized sooner. You never would have gone down this path, and perhaps we would have been a happy, functional couple right now. Iida recalled the sensation of his lips meeting Todoroki’s lips. If I had just realized then… I want to rewind time and save you with the information I have now, but that is simply impossible. The warning signs were so obvious. I could have helped you then, but I’m at a complete loss as to how I should help you now. His body was drowned by the liquid breath of the sun when a new message appeared on the screen of his phone.

Shouto
I think this relationship is just hurting us both. I do feel similarly, but I feel the same as you. I think you would be happier with someone else. I know I’ve been selfish, and I can’t express how sorry I am. That’s part of the reason why I suggested we take some time apart. I love you, Tenya, but I’m not able to fulfill your basic needs. If I can be selfish one more time, I have one final request. Please find someone who’s going to treat you the way you deserve, and don’t settle for anything less. Thank you for everything. I’ll forever be grateful for my time with you. Thank you

Covering his mouth with his hand, Iida felt a ragged, whip-like sob rip through his throat. I was beyond happy with you. He read Todoroki’s message again and expeditiously turned off his phone, tossing it onto his bed. Why, Shouto? I wouldn’t be happier with someone else. Have I been too possessive? Is that why you distanced yourself? Was I prying too much into your personal matters? I’m desperate to know, but now, it’s much too late… I should have asked directly before. 

I could have saved this relationship. ‘Find someone who’s going to treat you the way you deserve.’ You always did… I was the one at fault. But if this is what you want, I am in no place to argue… And yet, I still can’t be satisfied with this. Not simply because I’ve only been able to hold myself together because of you, but you’re blatantly suffering. I am not okay with how thin you are, but I could never tell you that… I didn’t want to hurt you. How do I care for you and help you if…

As Iida’s desk was mottled with warm raindrops from his chin, Iida sobbed with the paralyzing waterfall of emotions swallowing up his body. My first love, my closest friend, my current romantic interest… His nails clawed into his wooden desk. Losing you… How am I supposed to be okay with that? I know just how important it is to truly cherish those you love…because you don’t know when you could suddenly lose them. When something will happen to them, and they'll never be the same.

I tried as best as I could to do that for you. Ever since Tensei went to the hospital the first time, I’ve been terrified of losing him. When we became boyfriends, I feared the same thing. I’ve always been terrified, Shouto… If the world can do something like this to my brother, who’s to say my boyfriend won’t be another victim? Who’s to say you won’t both be dead in a matter of months? Who’s to say everyone I care about won’t wind up irreparably damaged? All the scars Midoriya’s accumulated, Bakugou’s kidnapping, Shouto and his family, Tensei, Aizawa, everyone…

If I lose you and Tensei… I can’t… I can’t even bear the thought of that. And yet, Tensei… What have I done wrong, Shouto? No. I’m certain I know already. I made you feel like you weren’t enough for me. I thought I understood you, but I was only thinking of myself. I want to say, ‘Please come back to me, and we can work things out.’ I want this to work out. I want to keep going. 

I don’t want this to be the end… But that would be more selfish than letting go. Leaving the person I think about every day… The person always by my side. The person I have these overflowing, unrequited, rejected feelings for… What am I supposed to do with these feelings? Even if I sob, cry, and tell myself it’s for the best, the feelings are still there.

Once Tensei went to the hospital again, I felt even closer and more attached to you. I needed you, Shouto. I could only be so strong for Tensei…because I had you. The idea of losing you wasn’t even a thought. Knowing I could lose Tensei at any point, I only held on to you tighter to keep myself together. If I did that, I would never have to fear losing you, surely… If I could just have that one constant in my life that I knew wouldn’t be taken from me for a long time… Even if the fear was always at the back of my head, I could deceive myself by pouring all I had into you. 

But now… What am I supposed to do? If I lose Tensei next… Tensei… No. No… I can’t lose you too. I can’t, Tensei! I love you…but obviously, love isn’t going to stop everyone I love from being taken away from me… No matter how great of a Hero I become, I will never be able to save everyone I love. Even though that became one of my main reasons to pursue being a Hero after what happened to Tensei… I could distract myself from the pain because I loved Shouto so much as well, and the end of our relationship didn’t feel close whatsoever, so I knew I could reliably hold on to him.

It hurts the most knowing that we both feel that the other deserves someone better. It hurts…that I can’t love you enough to rival your friend. But if he’ll make you happy, I couldn’t ask for anything more. Even though it hurts me so deeply…I want you to be happy. Even if he’s taking away another important thing in my life when it already feels like everything I care about is slipping through my fingers… I want you to have that foothold of a reliable, constant variable in your life. You need it more. Because I love you, I want you to be with someone you love, even if it tears me apart. It hurts, Shouto. It hurts…

After soaking up the crystalline smears on the surface of the desk with a rag from the bathroom, Iida dragged the textbook resting in his backpack to his lap. “Finals are in two days…” he sibilated, recalling how he and Todoroki shared a long, melancholic embrace before midterms began. “Tensei hasn’t been improving, either.” Removing his glasses, Iida blinked, pushing another set of silver streams from his eyes; those streams drained into the rag in his hands. “It hurts, but I will keep running…and I will find and become the person I want to be. For your sake, for Tensei’s sake, for my sake… Thank you for everything, Shouto. I suppose this is goodbye, isn’t it?”

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

“Bakugou, look at me.” Todoroki let out a sigh when he gazed into Bakugou’s shriveled pupils. “What happened?”

Bakugou rolled his eyes. “Cut me some slack. Finals are kicking my ass.”

“No. You said it doesn’t mix well with your prescriptions.”

“Nothing bad’s happened to me yet.”

“I’d like to think that that’s what many addicts thought before getting addicted or dying.”

But I’m no better, Todoroki berated himself, hissing through his teeth from the sharp slices of soap and water cutting through the open, bloody wounds on his fingers. I think I feel like I did before. I’ll regret it this time too, won’t I? Right now, I don’t care.

Drying his cracked, white-dappled hands, Todoroki glimpsed at the purple stains on his right hand and wrist. He begrudgingly smashed a thread of lotion between the backs of his hands. His skin radiated a reddish-pink glow after applying the lotion, and a dotted red became more prominent along the knuckles of his right hand.

At least it only took an hour this time, Todoroki sighed to himself. I don’t want to know how much I weigh. No matter how many times you tell me I’m not fat, I’m skinny, I have a low BMI…it doesn’t help, and it just makes me feel guilty. I know that’s the point, but I almost feel more inclined to keep the weight off, and it doesn’t fix how I see myself. I’ll never get out of this if I can’t see what you’re telling me. Glacial worms squirmed into his veins as he faced the scale on the floor, stepping onto the black surface with a box of fireworks exploding in his chest.

Beep!

Swallowing the lump in his burning throat, Todoroki cast his gaze to the floor. A hot, steady stream of gasoline circulated through his body from between his ribs. The panel of black numbers burning into Todoroki’s retinas lunged for his face as his knees collided with the cold tiles on the floor.

One hundred and four… Todoroki dug his nails into his thighs. Why? How much do I have to work just to accomplish this one desire? How long do I have to do this? How far away is my goal really? Damn. Even this gets through. I wanted to forget. Just…float over it all like a log in the ocean.

“Everything I do is for you, Shouto. You believe your father, don’t you?”

“Mmhm.”

“Good. Nothing I do is meant to hurt you. I only want the best for my favorite child. You are so unbelievably gifted, Shouto.”

Todoroki limped to his futon and grabbed his phone and earbuds. He ignored the notifications on his phone and spent the next four hours running through town and back. He could remember passing out in an alley and returning to consciousness a few minutes later during his run.

After Todoroki returned to his dorm and took a brief shower, he sat at his desk and glanced down at his phone, recalling his conversation with Bakugou from the day prior:

Bakugou
You’ve been avoiding Glasses like the plague lately.

Todoroki
I broke up with him

Bakugou
Wait, seriously?

Todoroki
I didn’t want to hurt him anymore. I want him to find someone who can treat him right

Bakugou
Damn, that’s gotta hurt. But you’re way over-exaggerating. There’s no way in hell you treated him as bad as you think. I saw the way he would look at you. And if you wanna talk about it, go ahead.

Todoroki
He directly told me how he felt and made it clear what he was asking of me, but I couldn’t hold up my end of the deal. I know he loved me, but that’s why I wanted to leave him. He was trying to justify all the ways I mistreated him because of it. I wasn’t okay with that

Bakugou
Don’t put all the blame on yourself for what happened. Some of it’s his fault too.

Todoroki
I’m surprised you haven’t taken this opportunity to ask if I wanted to get together with you. I don’t mean for that to come off as offensive

Bakugou
You’re an asshole. Who the hell would ask to get with someone right after they break up with their significant other? That’s just spelling disaster.

Todoroki
I'd imagine more people than you think. But I will say that I’m interested in you. I just don’t think I’m ready for another relationship yet

But I honestly wouldn’t mind kissing, Todoroki mused, running his hand through his hair and raising his brows when a few strands of white and crimson detached onto his palm. It felt good. It was a perfect distraction. Maybe… He unlocked his phone and opened his text messages.

Bakugou
Oi.

Bakugou
Deku’s also been driving me up the wall because he’s worried about you and won’t stop fussing over you.

Bakugou
You just in a shitty mood?

Bakugou
Todoroki.

A new notification popped up on the screen as Todoroki finished reading Bakugou’s second message.

Bakugou
I’m going to your dorm in ten minutes.

Todoroki
Sorry, I was out on a run and ended up falling asleep right after I got back. I just took a shower

Bakugou
You had me fucking paranoid to hell and back, asshole.

Todoroki
Want to come to my dorm?

Bakugou
Fine.

Once Todoroki opened his door to a porcupine of ash blond hair, his heart stretched out over his sternum when Bakugou immediately furrowed his brows and gripped Todoroki’s collar. Shoved back into his dorm, Todoroki tumbled with ungainly legs into the wall adjacent to the door. With a thud and a click, Bakugou closed the door with his foot, digging his fingers into the front of Todoroki’s shirt.

“What happened?” growled Bakugou with jagged virulence as though his words were serrated knives slicked over with poison. “I know that smell anywhere.”

Todoroki felt like sandpaper worms had dispersed through his veins as he murmured, “I didn’t realize. I’m sorry. This is probably a massive trigger.” He shrunk into himself as Bakugou’s sturdy shoulders rose.

“I don’t care about that,” spat the irascible Bakugou at point-blank. “What. Happened?”

“Nothing.”

“Anyone with a brain could tell you that’s bullshit.”

I just wanted a break from everything… Todoroki thought, but he swallowed thickly and breathed out his silence. Tenya, food, accounting for calories gained and lost, Endeavor forcing me to visit, school, losing control from it all, just wanting things to go according to plan, my hands, keeping everything clean, the past, the present… I just wanted a pinch of relief. I thought this would do more.

Exhaling audibly with closed eyes, Bakugou sighed, “I’m not mad at you for doing it. I know damn well that that just becomes another reason to keep going. It’s just an insult to injury. Talk to me, though.” He nodded, slowly releasing his grip on Todoroki’s shirt.

“A lot’s happened,” Todoroki replied, crossing his cool, quaking arms. “I wanted a break, and a distraction.”

“Wanna talk about anything that’s happened?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Hah?”

“I know it doesn’t matter.”

“What doesn’t matter?”

Keeping his palms on his elbows, Todoroki scratched at the wall behind him with his right index finger. “Anything I say, anything I think, anything I feel… None of it ever matters.” A crestfallen smile subtly suffocated his neutral expression. “I don’t know why anyone bothers to ask me questions like that.”

Taking a deep breath in, Bakugou said, “Because most people care. Endeavor doesn’t, does he?” He nodded at Todoroki’s silence. “Did he do or say something shitty to you?”

“So, what time do you go to bed?” asked Endeavor.

Todoroki began picking at a loose knob of skin on his left thumb as he shrugged.

“You need to be in bed by nine. I have no problems charging you for every minute you use that damn phone after then. There’s a setting to track your phone use, right? Turn it on and show it to me every day from now on.”

Todoroki nodded, picking off the piece of skin he’d slowly chipped deeper into. I’m rarely done with my work by then. How do I still have a bedtime when—

Something crushed Todoroki’s right wrist, and his eyes jumped open to see his father’s biting glare. “Stop,” hissed Endeavor, his acrimonious voice crunching into Todoroki’s chest. “I mean it,” he added with an additional layer of venom infesting his words.

I can’t help it, Todoroki wanted to say, but he kept his lips pressed together. I don’t even realize I’m doing it half the time.

“Since you’re here,” muttered Endeavor, “go do the dishes, shake out all the tatami mats, and vacuum. Don’t even think about complaining. Your life isn’t difficult, and this is the least you can do to repay me.” As Todoroki lifted his head to nod, his face reeled to the side as a fiery stab pulsed through his left cheek, causing his hand to fall away from a thin band of skin around the nail of his left index finger. “That’s it. If you’re going to disobey me and misbehave like a child, I’ll treat you like one. How many times do you suppose I should spank you before I stick you in the corner for the next two hours for a time-out?”

I didn’t even know I was doing it… You know I can’t control it. Why? Why is it such a big deal? Whatever… Burn your ego, Shouto. You know better. You were born and bred for one goal…just like a show dog. So, be a good dog.

Spanked ten times, put in the shower with freezing water for an hour while being yelled at, and put in a time-out outside while still dripping wet and freezing. I should’ve disobeyed ‘again’ and just used my Quirk. I wish you were there.

Todoroki closed his eyes, leaning forward and resting his forehead on Bakugou’s shoulder. “No,” he finally whispered, curling into the familiar warmth of Bakugou’s arms. “Mm.” His heart swirled with the memories of being at Bakugou’s house. “Bakugou?”

“Hm?” The warm stickiness of Bakugou’s hands gently folded around Todoroki’s arms.

“I’m not with Tenya anymore,” Todoroki mumbled, exhaling the remnants of his sobriety onto Bakugou and inhaling the intoxicating scent of Bakugou’s saccharine sweat.

Raising his brow, Bakugou’s expression promptly curved into a designing smirk. “Never do drugs again, hear me?” he uttered in a low, gravelly whisper, tracing his left hand to Todoroki’s waist. “Never. Again.” His right hand embraced Todoroki’s cheek.

Nodding, Todoroki could feel Bakugou’s breaths against his nose. “I promise.”

“If this goes against yer better judgment…consider it a little ‘lesson.’”

Bakugou and Todoroki brought their lips together, caressing each other's curves and carving claws into skin. Although ephemeral, their moment of mutual, indefatigable passion left the two desperate for one more kiss. Thus, Todoroki suckled from the euphoria streaming through his body as Bakugou’s skin rubbed against his, and as their digits collided, scrambling to become one.

When Todoroki and Bakugou pulled back with heaving chests and pining fingertips, Bakugou huffed, “Let’s go out and do somethin’.”

“Mm.” With gleaming eyes, Todoroki slowly slipped his fingers free from Bakugou’s hand.

So, both Todoroki and Bakugou departed from U.A. and began to walk through the twilit city streets. Gold glinted off windows, the sky was a fiery nebula, and neon lights flashed and flickered from signs on and near buildings.

Then, a husky voice arrested Todoroki’s attention amongst the convivial streets. “So, wanna, like, do somethin’ more avant-garde for us both? Break the daily monotony a bit?” Bakugou kept his hands buried in the pockets of his blue jeans.

Todoroki nodded. “Sure.”

“Like?”

“I don’t know.”

“Making pottery? Going to an aquarium? An animal cafe? Karaoke? A club? I dunno.”

“I’m fine with any of those.”

Bakugou let out a sigh. “Pick one.”

“I don’t know.” Todoroki gazed up at the vivid rivers of spilled highlighter fluid cresting the clouds. “I guess…maybe the aq—”

“Hey!” shouted the voice of a young boy. “You’re Shouto and Dynamight, right?!” Raw awe emanated from the boy’s words as he approached Todoroki and Bakugou; his hair was short and black, his eyes were brown, and he wore a blue shirt and black shorts.

Todoroki glanced over at Bakugou, who glanced over at him. “Yes,” Todoroki affirmed, “I think we a—”

“Good!” interjected the boy. “I need help. There’s a kitty cat stuck in some trash, and I can’t get it out. Follow me!” He began sprinting towards a dim alleyway down the street and around the corner.

Keep me busy, Todoroki thought while he and Bakugou dashed after the short, petite boy. Just keep the thoughts away. Put a barrier before the memories. Anything.

Entering the alleyway with Bakugou and the nameless young boy, Todoroki swiftly caught a glimpse at something dark shuffling on the ground. He heard the rattling, clanking, and scratching of tin cans, plastic, and papers jostling around the quadrupedal blob.

“There!” hollered the boy, who halted in his tracks and pointed over at the thrashing figure that seemed to have grown another limb; the fifth appendage was eel-like in shape and movement.

Cautiously approaching what Todoroki could only assume was a black cat ensnared in trash, Todoroki lowered himself down and gestured for Bakugou to walk around him. Bakugou nodded, slinking past Todoroki towards the opposite side of the cat.

Yet, when Bakugou descried Todoroki once more, his eyes shot open. As Todoroki made eye contact with Bakugou, all Todoroki could see was arrant, abject terror seared into Bakugou’s red eyes and skin-ripped visage. Before Todoroki could think, he heard an explosion, saw a burst of yellow and orange, felt first like a comet had struck his chest, and then, moments after the initial impact, he felt a stabbing sensation in his left shoulder. Spared not a grain of time, Todoroki found himself barreling across the cold, hard, rough concrete with an immense weight crushing his body.

Disoriented, nauseated, and stupefied, Todoroki promptly attempted to struggle out from the weight pinning him to the ground, but he quickly realized that the figure pressing down on him was an apoplectic yet petrified Bakugou. Despite the frantic thrashing of his heart, the paroxysms of fire devouring his raw skin, and the squeezing of his lungs, Todoroki held his breath, remaining silent under Bakugou’s trembling chest.

Then, a familiar voice snickered, “Aww, I thought I had you a second time.” High-pitched, jovial, and radiating mirth, the voice of Himiko Toga injected itself into Todoroki’s ears. “I thought you would’ve caught on way sooner! Everyone raves about you, Kacchan, like Deku and Ochako. I thought I’d see if the rumors were true! Hm… Maybe you’re not so perceptive after all. How many times have we tricked you? Chu…”

It’s my fault you were captured…

Although Todoroki could not see Toga, he could hear the saunter of her light footsteps hopping from the left to the right. “Aww, are you too scared to fight me off?” Toga continued with domineering gaiety. “Look at you! The terror in your eyes…is so cute. Big bad Bakugou, frozen at the feet of a tiny little girl! Well, it was fun seeing you again, but we’ve got some new toys to play with back at the League. Bang! Bang! Pew! Pew! Shoom! Shoom! Wha-chaw! Shing! Vroom! Vroom! Bye-bye!”

Todoroki couldn’t remember breathing over the thunder of his heart as he slowly directed his eyes to Bakugou’s chin. Without being cognizant of it, Todoroki unhurriedly reached up to Bakugou’s cheek, softly cupping the rounded corner of flesh.

“Are you okay?” Todoroki asked in a compressed whisper.

Continuing to stare off in the direction Todoroki last heard Toga’s movements, Bakugou blinked heavily and took a sharp breath in. “Fine…” he insisted, swallowing thickly and laying his palm over Todoroki’s outstretched hand. “I’m just… I should’ve fucking realized. I should’ve realized, goddammit! Then my body wouldn’t move. I let her get away, and… Shit. Shit, I didn’t even ask you about how she fucking stabbed you! God, what the fuck is wro—”

Before Bakugou could utter another word, Todoroki yanked Bakugou down onto his chest, ensconcing Bakugou in his arms and their lips into one. If I give you everything you want like I couldn’t do with Tenya…will you stay by my side? Or am I just desperate to fill the void? I don’t know. Todoroki opened his eyes, withdrawing from the kiss and glancing around; he saw only Bakugou and the cat from the alleyway.

“I’m fine,” Todoroki assured Bakugou, keeping his hand on Bakugou’s cold, sweat-dappled cheek. “You couldn’t have known. You still saved me from her probably stabbing me in the neck. It’s okay.” He nodded, but he soon felt a warm liquid splash onto his cheeks.

Wiping his eyes with his free hand, Bakugou gasped, “It’s not… You don’t know… I…” His lips contorted into a brambly frown before they parted, revealing his teeth as he struck the ground beside Todoroki with his fist. “Fuck! Fuck… Whatever… Let’s get the cat out and get your wound assessed. We can go to the aquarium later.”

So, Bakugou and Todoroki freed the black cat from what initially seemed to be inextricable chains of trash. They dismantled each piece of garbage that had entrapped the cat, tossing the scraps back in the bin. Afterwards, the two briefly stopped by Recovery Girl at U.A. before heading to the aquarium together. Todoroki could remember Bakugou beseeching that he touch a sea anemone, and while Bakugou initially assumed Todoroki was afraid of the creature’s sting, Todoroki explained that he didn’t want to dirty his hands.

What Todoroki was still left wondering by the end of the day, however, was the question of what Toga meant by a “second time.”

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

Bakugou
Let’s go to the arcade after school on the last day.

Todoroki
Sure

And then…maybe I’ll just end it so I don’t have to endure another year of hell, pondered Todoroki while burying his face into his futon; he’d recently returned to his dorm after his aquarium visit with Bakugou. I don’t know what to do. I want to die, I want to live, I want to give up, I want to push through it… I’m just so tired of hurting everyone and only caring about myself. I’m tired of always being tired and being unable to perform basic tasks. I’m tired of dragging my feet along an endless path that’s just a circle with no exit. He glimpsed at Bakugou’s message again. But…if this will make him happy…

“Shouto, are you happy?” Endeavor asked, sitting outside under the dim, orange sky beside Todoroki.

Todoroki nodded, locking eyes with Endeavor. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

I want to die, but I could never tell you that. Especially when you’re the one making me want… No. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. Why was I even thinking that? That came out of nowhere. After all…you just got me a new phone.

Endeavor lowered his brows. “Are you just saying that, or do you really mean it?”

“I mean it.” Todoroki nodded again.

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

“Come here.” Endeavor brought his son into his arms, letting out a long, slow breath. “I love you. You know that, right?” Todoroki nodded. “And you know you can tell me anything, right? I will never be mad at you. You’re the most important thing to me, Shouto.”

Then why is it that, the day after you had that conversation with me, you screamed at me because I was in my room most of the day? All I was doing was my school work since you would’ve yelled at me for not getting it done immediately. And you took away my things and thought I was angry since I didn’t say anything, and I had my ‘resting bitch face on’ when it’s just my normal expression. I was so fucking foolish…to let what you said get to me. I wanted to believe it… You sounded so sincere… I so stupidly admitted I was falling behind on a project, and you told me I had no right to be angry about anything, and that the Bible says that that’s not allowed. ‘You can tell me anything.’ ‘I will never be mad at you.’ You were angry at me for telling you. I thought that that wasn’t allowed… You’re the angriest person I know, and yet… 

I’m so tired. You say how the Bible says not to do this, and these things aren’t allowed, but you’re the one guilty of the things you scream at me to obey. You say you’re just looking out for me and doing what’s in my best interest, but then when you clearly aren’t doing either of those things, you remind me how the Bible says that I am never allowed to disobey you under any circumstances, I’m not allowed to complain about anything, and I’m not allowed to feel anything but gratitude. Failure to follow any of those iron laws is a grave sin that must be punished accordingly. I stopped believing a long time ago, but I’m inclined to believe the Bible doesn’t actually mean those things in the way you won’t budge from believing—you probably misconstrued the true meanings and shoved those false sentiments down all our throats.

With an insouciant sigh, Todoroki began typing out a poem on his phone that he sent to Bakugou upon completion:

From Behind

My bare flesh rubs
Against the wall,
Burning red
Like bricks.
Stop, I plead,
But why did I think
Begging would work?
My insides scream
For mercy.
You shove my hips
Into stone,
Pushing and ripping
Until my bones break.
I never said
Yes, so don't act
Like I did.
I know you feel good,
You utter. I know you 
Inside and out.

Bakugou
Well that was something to read just out of the blue, no context. I take it it’s not actually about sex?

Todoroki
Right

Bakugou
Two words. Imperious bitch. Not you, obviously.

The next day, much to Todoroki’s dismay, he was forced to eat two eggs and a cup of applesauce by Bakugou for breakfast. The final for Hero training was that day, and Bakugou elucidated that Todoroki would simply repeat history if he refused to eat. Thus, after successfully remaining conscious throughout and after the training battle contained within a lightless labyrinth, Bakugou congratulated Todoroki on managing not to faint. During the training battle, however, Todoroki could only observe the deep, lingering anguish in Iida’s dark blue eyes.

Once school concluded for the day, Midoriya handed Todoroki a small basket of baked goods. Todoroki accepted the gift with a smile, plucking up the resolve to mash a cookie between his teeth. Bakugou commented on how Todoroki was a dumbass for getting chocolate on his lips, so Todoroki replied by shoving a sugar cookie into Bakugou’s mouth. He could remember glancing at Iida unconsciously, tearing his pupils away as Iida briskly exited the classroom.

You were always afraid I was secretly with Bakugou, cerebrated Todoroki as he thanked Midoriya for the gift once more. I’m essentially proving to you that I picked him over you. I’m sorry. He began to return to his dorm with Bakugou at his side. The flowers are blooming, and the cherry blossoms will start flowering soon. But the beauty is ephemeral. Then, all those petals collect on the ground and rot away.

Wincing at the abrupt sting coursing through his left thumb, Todoroki pressed the hot, open wound he’d created against his pants. His eyes fell to the healing, purplish-green bruises on his right hand and forearm, and then, to the wristwatch concealing the scars on his left wrist.

“Oi.” Low and coarse like sand, Bakugou’s voice grated against Todoroki’s ears. “I wanna see how much you weigh.” His fierce, crimson eyes locked with Todoroki’s eyes.

“Why?” sighed Todoroki.

“Cuz,” scoffed Bakugou.

With that, Todoroki and Bakugou headed to Todoroki’s dorm. Todoroki placed the chocolate-scented basket on his desk and tossed his satchel onto the floor beside his chair. Scanning the room, he stuffed the spare watch on his desk into his pocket after Bakugou disappeared into the bathroom. Todoroki clenched his jaw and soon stepped onto the scale, but he swiftly teetered off when Bakugou spat:

“Without the uniform and watch.”

Shit, did he know? I’ll just take the one on my wrist off.

Todoroki squinted his eyes, glimpsing between Bakugou and the scale. “Why? It hardly makes a difference.” He slowly removed the metal watch on his wrist as his heart thrashed at his chest.

Crossing his arms, Bakugou murmured, “Then we’ll do one with everything on, and another with most shit off.” He nodded.

A familiar bile singed Todoroki’s throat, but he did not speak as he stared at Bakugou with raised brows.

“Then I’ll keep my back to you and my eyes closed. You can throw on a towel after that while I look at the scale.”

Todoroki was silent. This is so unnecessary… I don’t want to do that.

“I’ll take the basket of shit off your hands if you comply.”

I hate how good he is at this, Todoroki internally groaned. What’s his goal? Exhaling slowly, he positioned himself on the scale until it let out a beep. One hundred and two. I have to lose more. I’m so close. I know that’s not good, but I—

“Is it more the numbers or your image driving this?” queried Bakugou, whose eyes were fixed on the scale.

“I don’t know.” Todoroki set his watch on the counter. “I’ve never thought about that.”

Bakugou ran his hand through his hair. “Are you more obsessed with lowering the numbers or getting the body you want?”

Todoroki remained silent for a while. “I’m really not sure. Maybe the numbers, but that’s not to say the other part of it isn’t also a major factor.” He picked off a small piece of skin from his left index finger.

“I see. Either way, I’m taking the scale after this.” Bakugou nodded. “I wanna check your weight every now and again without you seeing the numbers. But maybe start counting how many times you judge your body when you look in the mirror. I know this probably seems hella annoying, but I’m not here to be like Endeavor.” He waited until Todoroki’s eyes met his again. “I’m here to help you fight whatever demons you’re facing, Todoroki.”

Pulling his eyes shut, Todoroki expelled a hefty breath. Why didn’t you do the same, Tenya? he couldn’t help but wonder. I begged and pleaded to be saved, but somehow, I still couldn’t get the message across. I was desperate for you, the person who loved me the most, to understand. I did this for you, and now… Incandescent threads rippled through his chest cavity. Everything I’ve done to myself…for nothing? Don’t. Don’t even think about it. It doesn’t matter.

“I don’t understand…” Todoroki finally admitted, shaking his head. “Why are you being so nice to me? I know why, and it’s blatantly, blatantly obvious, but I can’t accept it. I’ve gone along with it because I have no right to deny your feelings, and it seems like you want to do it, but…” He felt his chest ache, leaking under the weight of the spring of complex, nameless feelings that slipped from his grasp like koi. “I don’t deserve it. I don’t want this. It hurts more and more, and I just…” His lungs shattered in the familiar, excruciating heat ensconcing his body.

Why am I still like this when the rest of the world is breaking free from its chains? Todoroki lowered his chin to Bakugou’s shoulder. Everyone else is moving on. Everyone else is growing and improving. Everyone else is overcoming their problems with a smile and without complaint. Why am I trapped here? It feels like my mind and body are buried beneath the sand in the depths of the ocean. 

Like I’ve built a sandcastle beneath the waves for myself, and now, I’ve adapted to living here, where the sun no longer pierces. Maybe it’s just better if I stay trapped here, away from everyone else. And yet… Todoroki’s hand inadvertently brushed over the side of Bakugou’s arm. How selfish am I for wanting to see the spring lights and falling cherry blossoms beyond the shore with everyone? For craving his touch? For wanting to just…be with him?

“You do deserve it,” Bakugou finally whispered with words like white feathers. “Tell me you deserve to be loved.”

Todoroki vigorously shook his head. “I ca—”

“I won’t let you go until you do,” growled Bakugou, who pulled Todoroki tight to his chest.

“Then tell me you deserve it first,” Todoroki beseeched in a harsh, wobbling, tenuous whisper.

Bakugou’s chest expanded against Todoroki’s chest as their hearts leapt towards each other. “I don’t wanna say it either, and I’m also guilty of giving advice I won’t take, but if it’ll prove it to you…” He paused, leaving the two to sway and wade in the warm tidepool of silence and foaming emotions flooding through the room. “Even a shitty good-for-nothing like me deserves to be loved. A selfish, cowardly addict that tries to pin his problems on everyone and everything but himself. An idiot that’s wasted it all on substances, racked up expensive hospital bills, and run away from the things too painful to touch. Even a damn extra like that…deserves to be loved.”

“Shouto, is something wrong?” Iida asked.

Endeavor hit me for ‘playing the victim’ and ‘faking injuries to get out of training.’ I want to tell you, but I’m afraid to tell you. You’re my boyfriend, so I should just be honest.

“No,” Todoroki lied. “Sorry. I was thinking about my homework.” A smile slithered onto his perfidious face.

“Ah, my mistake, then. My apologies!”

No. Please ask me… Please make me say it. But of course I’m fine. How could I not be? I’m just selfish. I’m just overreacting. It’s not his fault. I really am just playing the victim. ‘Attention whore.’

Todoroki swallowed down the fervid emotions searing the back of his throat like lava as Bakugou’s hands massaged his back. “You do deserve to be loved,” he managed to whisper with a fractured voice. “Even if that’s how you see yourself, it won’t change everything you’ve done for me. If you were truly a selfish good-for-nothing, you wouldn’t have gone out of your way to help me like this. That’s what makes you an idiot…” He pulled back from Bakugou, whose tenacity did not waver. “The one standing here…deserves to be loved.”

Bakugou shook his head as Todoroki lowered his hands from Bakugou’s back, and then, Bakugou gripped Todoroki’s shoulders. “You’re really a piece of work, y’know that?” he sighed, furrowing his brows. “Always making things about everyone but yourself. Tell me you deserve to be loved. Don’t put up a barrier by indirectly referring to yourself. Tell me that you, Shouto Todoroki, deserve to be loved.” Despite how his irises were rings of crystalline fire, they housed a certain sweetness like warm milk in the winter.

Todoroki averted his eyes to the floor as discomfiture blighted his blood. “I…” He ripped off a piece of skin from his left thumb. “I deserve to be loved…” The acrid taste of a dandelion’s blood coated the back of his tongue.

A smirk spilled over Bakugou’s lips as his hands slid from Todoroki’s shoulders to the latter’s sides. “From now on, I’m gonna make you say that to yourself every morning.” The tips of his fingers brushed against Todoroki’s fingers, causing the two to swiftly swerve their hands away. “Even if you don’t believe it, it’s better to tell yourself that than to tell yourself self-deprecating things.” Then, he slowly returned his hands to their positions prior to pulling away, and it was there that his fingertips kissed Todoroki’s digits once more.

Slipping his hesitant fingers between Bakugou’s fingers in unison with Bakugou’s movements, Todoroki’s heart throbbed when his hand was united in full with Bakugou’s hand. “I take it back. You’ve always been an idiot,” he said innocuously with a smile.

Bakugou tilted his head, tightening his grip on Todoroki’s hands. “Hah?” His voice rippled like a lion’s crackling roar. “Fuck you. This is the thanks I get for being soft?” He straightened his posture, locking his blazing, imperial eyes with Todoroki’s.

Lifting his chin to maintain his height advantage over Bakugou, Todoroki replied, “Cute. You admitted it.” His designing smile was a spark to Bakugou’s fuse as his back was slammed against the wall. “You’re lucky your sweat smells sweet. Otherwise, I'd be unconscious on the floor right now.” He released Bakugou’s left hand, placing his freed-up right hand just under Bakugou’s collarbone. 

Bakugou tore his lips back like a wolf snarling over its kill. “You’re dead, Icyhot,” he growled with venom dripping from his words.

We’re both desperate for this, aren’t we? Todoroki realized as Bakugou’s hot, heavy breaths saturated his mind. Ever since that night… I can’t help it, no matter how wrong it feels. It just feels so right with him. If going slow and being timid with Tenya ended poorly, is this a better route to go? As Todoroki’s lips bent into a smirk, Bakugou growled that he wasn’t holding back. But would I destroy everything we have…if you knew that I’m really not comfortable with things getting sexual?

Chapter Text

Katsuki Bakugou

“You’re dead, Icyhot.” Bakugou’s body ignited with a scarlet flood when a soft smirk slowly spread over Todoroki’s countenance. “I ain’t holding back, so—”

Slipping the first button on Bakugou’s white uniform free from its loop, Todoroki whispered, “Neither am I, but I’m not going to do anything sexual.” He’d successfully splayed open the first three buttons concealing Bakugou’s chest.

“Hah?” Bakugou felt his shirt drip down his arms, slithering down his spine until it collected at his ankles.

For a moment, Todoroki pursed his lips, but then, with a refulgent smirk, he uttered, “Maybe I just want to tease you first.”

Unable to restrain the impulse tearing through his psyche, Bakugou pressed his lips to Todoroki’s lips, sealing the two into a brilliantly-burning pit of passion. Todoroki released a muffled whine that reverberated between Bakugou’s lips, but all Bakugou could do was swallow both the strained sounds leaking from Todoroki’s body and the vacillation fettering him to sobriety. As flesh grinded into flesh and fabric unspooled to the floor, Bakugou and Todoroki devoured each other’s heartbeats until only gasps and sticky, gleaming skin remained.

Stop thinking about that, Bakugou cursed at himself as Todoroki entered Bakugou’s bathroom. It was just touching and kissing, but it was fucking hot. Even though we’re just friends that had a mutual craving for it, it doesn’t feel weird. The only weird part… He scrutinized Todoroki’s figure as Todoroki stepped onto the scale with his back to the flickering numbers. I can enforce getting him to eat more, but I know he’s been exercising more than ever. And it hurts every time I think about how he just refuses to talk about his purging. I know he does it. One hundred flat. Todoroki…

“You ever feel like throwing up after you eat?”

“No. What happened at your house was genuinely because I felt sick. I’m sure it didn’t help that I was intoxicated.”

No, I’m pretty fucking sure you self-induced it. Not that I can blame you for not wanting to admit it or talk about it. I can’t even imagine trying to find it in me to admit to something like that.

“If you ever do feel like that, you can tell me,” Bakugou reassured Todoroki with a nod. “You don’t even have to tell me if you just want a distraction or something. That’s…part of the reason for all my anger. Sometimes it’s just an unconscious distraction so I don’t even have to talk about the cause of it. Shitty outlet, but you can thank my old hag for unknowingly driving me into a corner where this was all I could do.” He brought his eyelids together, pushing out a long breath. “Crazy what your mind does to you when you can’t handle something anymore, and especially when you don’t even realize you’ve changed until way later.”

“Everything go okay with Endeavor today?” Bakugou asked while Todoroki fastened his watch around his left wrist.

Todoroki shrugged. “I mean, he kicked me out of the house, so I didn’t have to deal with him for long.” He clutched his left shoulder. “It’s fine, though. How’s everything with you?”

Mom… Mom?! No. No. Why’d you leave me out there?! Where?! Mom?! Anyone?!

Bakugou let out a sigh and walked over to his bed; Todoroki followed suit. “Why’d he kick you out? But I could be better.” He hoisted himself onto the mattress, lightly springing up and back down.

“If all you’re going to do is complain in my house, then don’t complain when there’s no roof over your head tonight.”

“I passed out in the kitchen, and…” Todoroki paused, blinking slowly. “He told me to stop trying to make him feel sorry for me. To stop being an attention whore. To stop playing the victim. I’m…too fat and too athletic to pass out. The punishment he gave was something ‘you did to yourself, Shouto.’ Later, I brought up how he promised he would always tell me what I did wrong, but he insisted that he never said anything like that, and to stop putting words in his mouth. To stop trying to manipulate him. To stop gaslighting him. To stop dragging everyone into my problems just so I can blame them on everyone but myself—the only one to blame. I guess he must not have promised that after all.” His dolorous smile was like a shard that had been snapped off of the tip of the crescent moon. “Anyway, what’s stopping your day from being better?”

Bakugou’s brows scrunched together. What the fuck… This is the Number One Hero’s true nature? Endeavor is fucking insane. What the fuck happened to him? Todoroki is literally the opposite of an attention whore. The fact that he gets called fat when he’s already underweight… And just… What the hell? Endeavor is the fucking manipulator, but he’s projecting it all onto his own son. Fuck. No wonder it’s so hard for him to talk about shit.

“I’m not just gonna ignore that,” grumbled Bakugou. “That’s so shitty.”

“Is it? I don’t see it that way.”

“Why?”

“I’m used to it.”

“That doesn’t make it okay!” Bakugou’s hands snapped into fists. “You are the victim, Todoroki. You’re a victim to a manipulator and abuser. This shit’s not okay… He’s pinning the blame on you when it isn’t your fucking fault.” He glanced at Todoroki, whose dull eyes rested on the floor.

Todoroki shrugged. “Regardless…” His thunder-colored and ocean-colored eyes were an empty ocean of monochrome together.

Bakugou felt his chest shiver with pain. “Y’know what, come with me to my house this weekend for dinner.” He leaned back, pressing his palms to the bed.

You spent all this time and effort studying to get your psychology degree, and it’s like the entire reason why you did it was to know how to perfectly fuck up my life. You don’t even understand basic psychology, but no one has any right to tell you you’re wrong because ‘what do we know?’ I’m so fucking tired of your bullshit…

As Todoroki’s chest expanded, he replied, “All right.”

Silence slithered around Bakugou and Todoroki for quite a few seconds. In that silence, Bakugou thought, My parents aren’t the best, but they’ll probably treat him like he’s a new addition to the family. I at least want him to have some adult figure he can turn to if his family isn’t it. Even if I get jealous because they treat him better than me, he needs it. Plus, maybe it’ll distract them from degrading me and fucking up my life more. They’re always the kindest fucks known to exist with guests. Their only child? ‘How can we make his life a living hell every single day?’

Mom… Bakugou’s chest was a reservoir of gasoline, and his eyes were firecrackers detonating beneath the water as he tore down the city street for the store he’d previously been at with his mother. Mom! His heart hammered in his chest when he saw a familiar plume of ash blond hair.

Yet, where Bakugou expected to be embraced by his mother, he instead felt as his wrist was crushed, and his feet tumbled over each other.

“Shame on you,” spat Mitsuki with unadulterated wrath grappling onto her face and scorching her voice. “Running away when I tell you to stand outside…”

Bakugou’s heart was ripped open with a sharp white flame. I didn’t … I didn’t! I—

“When your father hears about this, you are in big trouble, Katsuki.”

I DIDN’T! Bakugou wanted to scream. But how…am I supposed to say that I was stupid and weak enough to have let that happen? It hurts. WHY WEREN’T YOU THERE?! IT’S ONLY BECAUSE YOU LEFT ME THERE! He furiously blinked back the tears beginning to drip from his tear ducts. But it’s almost better this way…so you’ll never know how weak I was… You’ll never know what happened, but I’m getting punished anyway. Then…

…it never happened.

“Bakugou?” Todoroki turned his head to face Bakugou.

“Mm?” Bakugou’s eyes widened when something warm enveloped his hand.

Ba-dump, ba-dump…

Todoroki’s hand swallowed up Bakugou’s hand, twining flesh with flesh. “What are we?” His voice evanesced into a soft wisp of an emotion Bakugou could not discern.

Bakugou was silent for a moment. “Well, did you make out with me for love or lust?” His words were glass daggers.

Lowering his eyelids, Todoroki sighed, “I don’t know. I figured you wanted it, and it felt like the right thing to do. Then, I wanted it too.” He closed his eyes and let out a sigh. “It’s nothing like what I’m used to with Tenya, but somehow, it felt just as natural and right.”

“Haha, Kat, you don’t always have to wait for me to say yes for a kiss,” Kirishima chuckled.

“Shut it…”

“Aww, you being all soft and considerate’s just adorable, y’know?”

“Hah…” Bakugou narrowed his eyes and rubbed his thumb over the pinky finger resting on his index finger. “Well, that’s fine with me. I don’t really care if we’re friends that just wanna make out sometimes.” The pulse ricocheting through his veins began to throb in his temples.

But I’d rather be able to express all my feelings for you as romantic partners when the time’s right. Getting to taste you is simultaneously a dream come true and my worst nightmare. You really did just fucking tease me. Asshole. It all felt so right, but you just didn’t wanna let me have you yet. I hate that that just makes me want you more. Fuck, that was your goal, wasn’t it, you little shit? Fuck you.

Todoroki’s neutral expression suddenly curved into a vague smirk. “Would you like to test that theory?” His pale pink lips beckoned to Bakugou like a drop of water amidst a horizon of sand.

“Fuck you.” Bakugou shifted his jaw. “Y’know what, no. I get the feeling you’re only doing this for my sake. Don’t change who you are just to appeal to someone, dumbass.”

Y’know, that’s all you ever seem to do, Bakugou realized while Todoroki simply existed beside him. Guess it’d make sense, given what he’s said about Endeavor. Even though I’m like the opposite of him, we’re still doing the same thing at the core of it.

“Hey!” shouted a rusty, spry, high-pitched and desperate voice. “My friend’s in d—”

I was so fucking stupid. I wanted to be a hero so bad, and yet…

For a while, Todoroki held his silence. “That’s…kind of all I know how to do,” he murmured at last. “I don’t know how not to do that.”

“What do you like to do, independent of whatever you think someone else wants?” queried Bakugou.

Todoroki’s pupils fell to the floor. “I don’t know.” He blinked slowly. “I don’t…know?” He shook his head, keeping his brows tucked towards each other. “Sorry, that was just an automatic response. I like spending time with my friends.” His smile sagged under the weight of his knitted brows.

Cocking his head, Bakugou lowered his hand to Todoroki’s left shoulder; his eyes widened when Todoroki flinched. “You’re doing exactly what I told you not to do,” Bakugou sibilated, cautiously withdrawing his hand as Todoroki’s shoulders slowly sank. “If you don’t know, you don’t know.”

“I’m not lying,” Todoroki said with a nod, and if Bakugou’s eyes hadn’t deceived him, the gap between himself and Todoroki had increased ever so slightly. “Why else would I go to the arcade with you and usually spend my time with you?”

White, liquid pain drilled into Bakugou’s chest, but he laid his hand on top of Todoroki’s shoulder again, lowering his eyelids as Todoroki tensed. “Feelings of obligation. But, hey, if you don’t like me doing something, or you feel uncomfortable, you can tell me.”

Todoroki nodded, and yet, he did not move. “It’s not an obligation.”

Pursing his lips, Bakugou sighed, “Listen, did something happen?” Todoroki shook his head, pulling up his lower lip a bit. “You’re allowed to not like things, Todoroki. And yer allowed to tell people how you feel.” Bakugou’s hand retreated from Todoroki’s bony shoulder.

Todoroki’s eyes squinted down, and with an enigmatic smile, he whispered, “The only people who say things like that are the people who never mean it.” His lips crumbled down, and his voice was engulfed by a blue wave. “But, in the few instances they do mean it…you never believe them until it’s too late. But I think I want to take a nap. I didn’t sleep well last night. Bye, Bakugou.” Without another word, Todoroki briskly stumbled away.

So, there’s another thing we have in common, huh? cogitated Bakugou, who flopped onto his back and stared up at the white ceiling of his dorm. All you can do is kill yourself and be reborn as someone they’re more willing to accept, breaking yourself apart again and again to live God knows how many lives to get by until you die. The more you reincarnate, the more you lose of yourself, and yet, that’s the whole point of it all. Just die again and again until there’s nothing left of you, and only then will they maybe love ‘you.’ But even then, they won’t believe you suffered through anything at all. You’re perfect, after all, and perfection suffers only from being perfect. Despite that, you’re probably still not enough. Always told I’m not enough, my best still isn’t enough, I’ll never make it like this, all I do is half-ass it all… Put on a mask and drive a fake ego into whatever remains of my actual ego just to hide the tears and the shame while surpassing everyone’s expectations…except for the people I most want to prove my worth to. 

I’ll never be enough, in their eyes, but it only pushes me to break myself even more for the false hope that, maybe, they’ll finally see. And then, I could finally be content. But what would I do after that? What would my motivation to work so hard be anymore? Achieve the goal I’ve spent my entire life chasing, the thing my life revolves around, and the fire that fuels me to be greater than ever before…and where do I go? Who would I be then? What would my reason to live be? If the only way I know how to live is by never being enough, would being ‘enough’ even bring me any satisfaction or closure? Or would I just…really have no reason to live? Why is it like this? Why? If I suffer through hell and back to finally be enough, my reward is just perpetual emptiness until I’m not enough again, and the cycle just repeats? Then…what the fuck is even the point? ‘Just keep going, and it’ll all work out in the end.’ Easy for you to say when it’s all worked out for you already…

Skimming over the poem Todoroki sent him, Bakugou sat upright and found his thumbs flying over the keyboard on his phone.

Embrace the Flames

Orange T-Rex claws
Scorch the walls.
Abyssal thunder seas
Drown the ceilings.
Black vortex maws
Block the doors.

I can't breathe.

A gray, hazy figure
Stares through the storm
Shackling my room.
Red canister in hand,
It pisses on my bed
Like a dog to a hydrant.

Only my room
Is digested in orange.

I sprint
For a window,
But the T-Rex
Wearing beige flesh
Slithers over the rift.

Incisors exposed,
Lips torn back,
Feet bashing 
Into boards.

Holes to the left,
Inferno on the right,
Broken beams above,
Crumbling boards below.

There's nowhere to go.

So I dive
Through the fire,
Screaming, writhing—
'Til I'm Ashes.

Back off
Or burn.

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

I don’t want to eat in front of his parents, Todoroki internally maundered while slipping off his shoes at Bakugou’s house. They’ll tell me I’m eating too much. They’ll see how fat I am and how much fat I’m putting into my body. I’m not thin like Bakugou. I don’t like this. He cupped his left ear when Bakugou’s voice exploded through the house like a bomb.

“OI! OLD HAG?!” Bakugou vociferated, canting his head after Todoroki shielded his ear. “Shit, I didn’t—”

“It’s fine,” Todoroki sighed, shoving down the memory assaulting his mind.

“KATSUKI, I TOLD YOU NOT TO…” A somewhat tall woman with hair akin to Bakugou’s stepped around the bend of the hallway, pausing as she locked her garnet-colored eyes with Todoroki. “Oh, is this Todoroki? It’s very nice to meet you! You can call me Mitsuki.” She waved with a smile.

Todoroki nodded, bowing slightly. “Nice to meet you.” He hesitantly stood up straight, keeping his head tilted towards Bakugou as he met Mitsuki’s eyes.

I wasn’t formal enough. Shit. I didn’t know what to say. I blanked. I’m sorry. Please don’t—

“Make yourself at home,” Mitsuki assured Todoroki with a grin while spreading her hand out as though presenting the living room to a camera. “There are always snacks and drinks in the fridge and pantry. Feel free to rummage around—don’t be shy about it! Katsuki is a vacuum whenever he’s here.”

“I am not!” Bakugou growled, crossing his arms.

Mitsuki narrowed her eyes. “Mmhm… Anyway, Todoroki, the bathroom is over there.” She pointed to the bathroom on Todoroki’s right that dredged up his previous incident in it. “Our cat Zeus is very friendly. There are cat toys everywhere, if you’d like to play with him. Dinner should be ready in half an hour. Katsuki said you like cold soba, so I’m making plenty. You can have it all, if you want. Now, I’ll get out of your hair.” She nodded, soon disappearing into the kitchen.

Todoroki didn’t know how to react. He’d never been to a friend’s house until he insisted on staying with Bakugou to take care of Zeus, and the only interaction with parents outside of his own that he could think of was those he’d rescued, and some of his former teachers. So, as Bakugou gestured for Todoroki to follow him into his bedroom, Todoroki found himself utterly nonplussed.

“Oh. I thought you said we were having cold soba for dinner. What made you change—”

“I never said we were having that.”

“I remember you saying—”

“I never fucking said that, Shouto. I know what I said, and I sure as hell did not say that. Do we need a tape recorder? Stop trying to pick arguments with me and make me look like a terrible parent. Do you know how much I do for you?! And you still want to argue over something so petty to make me look bad?! Shame on you. I raised you better than this, Shouto. Now admit you were wrong.”

But I know you said that… You promised, just like last time when you said you’d get cold soba for me, but you didn’t, and you said you never said you would. I just wanted to know why you changed your mind…

“Sorry, I was wrong. Thank you for the chicken and rice.”

“Unbelievable. Now you’re being rude and condescending? Go to your room and leave your phone outside your door. Write down the password too. Now, Shouto.”

All I did was what you said, and I thanked you. Why? What did I do? I don’t understand… And I just bought this phone with my own money. Why? That’s not fair. I bought it myself just so you wouldn’t take it from me anymore. Now you’re going to put restrictions on my phone all over again, even though I bought it…

She’s not at all how I pictured she’d be, Todoroki realized while stepping into Bakugou’s room—there were no traces of any bottles, cans, or joints. I thought she would be a terrifying woman. I expected to be thrown a thousand rules, questioned about my background because of the burn mark, and overall, be disapproved of. I don’t know how to feel. I feel out of place. He stared down at the white carpet at his feet from Bakugou’s bed. I’m uncomfortable. I just…don’t feel right. Why am I being treated like this? Is she just testing me so she can affirm the belief that I’m just a selfish and disrespectful kid? That must b—

Todoroki’s eyes shot open as a tingling shove to his side caused his entire body to spasm and thrash. “Ah!” he gasped, bringing his hand to the side that Bakugou jabbed. “Sorry. I didn’t even realize I was doing it.”

Bakugou shrugged, dropping to the floor on all fours. “It’s only gonna get better if you stop,” he sighed while beginning to push himself up to complete a push-up. “Oi. Come sit on my back.” He lowered his chest towards the floor.

“You’re sure I’m not too heavy?” Todoroki asked, sliding off the bed.

“You kiddin’ me? You’re a feather compared to when you were ripped. Hurry up.”

Todoroki sat atop Bakugou’s back. “Your mom is…a lot nicer than I thought.” He gripped Bakugou’s shirt when the latter let out a grunt, forcing his arms taut.

“You are the best thing to have ever happened to me, Shouto,” whispered Endeavor. “Come here.”

“Ngh.” Bakugou lowered himself down again. “How does it make you—hgh—feel? Being…treated the way…you are?”

Todoroki took a moment to think while Bakugou continued to perform push-ups. Based on what I knew of her from you, she sounded like a terrible person. So, she has to be putting on a facade. I don’t like it. What’s she really thinking? What do her words really mean? First Bakugou, now Mitsuki… His chest tightened. Why did I agree to come? I can’t stand this. I can’t stand them being so kind to me. It’s…not right. It’s not real. I never did anything to deserve this. When are they going to backstab me? I want out. It’s just another game.

 “I don’t…know,” Todoroki finally murmured with dripping, misty words. “Kind of…”

“YOU WORTHLESS EXCUSE FOR A SON!”

Clamping his eyes shut, Todoroki forced back the hands of the memories clawing at his chest. It doesn’t matter. It’s fine. It was nothing. It doesn’t matter.

“Make yourself at home.”

Home?

“You can have it all, if you want.”

Mom… Why… Why did you… It hurts so much. Once the anger settled, and I realized I didn’t know if I’d ever see you again, I cried every single day. And whenever he heard me cry, he yelled at me and told me I was being disrespectful to him and my siblings. And when I couldn’t stop crying, he’d slap me and keep yelling at me until I stopped. I cried until I was empty and indifferent to everything, just like he wanted…until even that was also disrespectful. I don’t even remember much from then from being numb to it all. I just wished…you were still there. Mitsuki… She’s so, so different from you, but… All I see is you. All I hear is you. All I remember is you. And it hurts… All I can think about is what I used to have, but because of me…

Todoroki shook his head, blinking rapidly. “Just…weird,” he finally sighed. “I’m not used to it.” His chest throbbed out with a squirming tightness. “All I’m doing is invading her space, costing her money, and wasting her resources. Why isn’t she forcing me to compensate her? I will, but… I just don’t understand…” He clutched at the snarl of undulating emotions writhing between his ribs.

It hurts. Ignore it. It’s nothing. Forget. It’s nothing. It doesn’t matter.

“Urgh,” groaned Bakugou, “listen…don’t you dare try to ‘compensate’ her… Hah… For anything. Just yer being here… Hgh. It’s a treat for her, dumbass.” His labored breaths shook Todoroki.

“Thanks for dinner, Mom.”

“Oh, Shouto, cooking for you is a treat to me.”

“But I—”

“Oh my fucking God…” Bakugou lowered himself to the floor, huffing and grunting. “Not everyone wants something out of you. Not everyone wants some equal return for an investment. Not everyone thinks the way Endeavor does. Some of us…are just happy by making others happy. You’ve felt that, yeah? Not everything in life is some manipulation tactic. I know that’s probably hard to believe when it’s what you’ve lived with your whole life, but while humans are selfish creatures of habit, most people don’t want wanna hurt other people.

“I just feel fucking sad when I see how you react to being given kindness. You always have this muted but shocked look, and you just zone out and suddenly look like you’re in pain. You can ask to help out, but my old hag’s gonna hard decline it. You’re not gonna get hurt here, Todoroki. No one’s gonna demand things from you left and right. No one’s gonna gaslight you with kindness just to use you. No one’s gonna victim blame you and drive you into a corner. You’re safe here, ‘kay? You’re safe, Todoroki.”

You did this for me, didn’t you? pondered Todoroki, whose chest was slashed open with the emotions he had yet to define. Why? Why are you so kind to me? A safe place… I like it here. It’s so much nicer than home. I wish this were my home. But that’s why it’s not—I don’t deserve it. I’m stuck how I am for a reason. He dared not meet Bakugou’s eyes in the whetted silence of the room. I want to believe you, but I just can’t. I’m afraid…of believing you. All of this… I’m terrified. What is this? It’s not fucking possible to just be given so much without there being a hidden price for it all that I’ll never be able to pay off. It was even the same with Mom. All she did for me, and I… What do you want from me? Just get it over with. Just hurt me already. Stop pretending to be nice… I can’t stand it.

But I want to believe you. I want that so much. I want this to be real. But I don’t want it at all. I don’t deserve it. I know I don’t, and I hate myself for having a part of me that wants it anyway. I’m terrified of letting myself accept it. I’ll only get backstabbed for it, and I’ll be told how fucking selfish I am. I just want to get away before the facades fall. Before Mitsuki hurts me too. Before I can fall for the same thing again just to shatter like a dysfunctional lightbulb when I’m inevitably stabbed in the back, and all this kindness is turned against me. Not again… It’s the same story every fucking time… Glue me back together just to break me apart into even more shards than before, and the cycle repeats. And every time, I’ve fallen for it. If that’s how it is, then just crush me to nothing already… I just…can’t… I can’t do this anymore… But I don’t want to make you feel bad.

Todoroki curled his arms around Bakugou’s chest. “Thank you, Bakugou…” His words were flakes of dust drifting in a pool of sunlight. “I never even went to Tenya’s house. I never met his parents. It’s…kind of overwhelming.” He felt Bakugou’s heart spring towards his fingers as Bakugou forced himself up again.

“Yer always gonna be—rgh—welcome here,” Bakugou assured his classmate. “Bet it would be overwhelming. Hah… But if you really wanna compensate…for having dinner, then actually eat it.”

But I feel fatter than ever before. I still feel like I’m gaining weight. But if Mitsuki’s putting so much work into it, and she’s practically making it for me… I’d just be insulting her if I didn’t eat it. I don’t want to make myself throw up today. But… I just… I just want out… Their kindness feels like a noose, or like the ocean. It’s so enticing, but the moment you lose yourself in it, it takes its sweet time torturing you as it takes everything from you. If I told him after dinner that Endeavor is demanding I come home, I could escape this time. How many times have I been hanged? More importantly, why am I still alive, regardless of the answer? I see. It was never meant to kill me. That’s half of the point of torture, after all. Fuck, I forgot what Bakugou said. Why do I always do this? What did he say? Food. Dinner. Right.

“I’m not really hungry.” Todoroki’s voice was white paint.

Bakugou audibly sighed. “Yer spacin’ out a lot today. What’d you eat today?”

“Some rice for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch, and an apple before training.”

“That’s barely anything. Hrgh. Especially with how much…you exercise…and train.”

Todoroki was silent.

Bakugou’s body began to tremble underneath Todoroki. “Y’know… Anorexia has…one of the highest—if not the highest—mortality rates…for mental disorders. Hah… Hah… Fuck. I’m not…letting you starve to death.” His arms wobbled like coins attempting to gain equilibrium.

Todoroki’s chest sank. “That’s not what I have,” he sibilated. “If I did, I’d be thin, but I’m not.”

Bakugou collapsed to the floor in a panting, sweaty heap; Todoroki could feel the heat radiating from Bakugou’s back, and he could see the dampness of Bakugou’s shirt. “Y’know what a healthy BMI range is…for the bare minimum? As in, you’re just a few pounds away from being considered ‘underweight?’ Hah… About seventeen to nineteen…” He inhaled deeply, taking a few moments to catch his breath. “Anything less than sixteen…is severely underweight. Well, from what I’ve found… Y’know…what yours is?”

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

Todoroki swallowed thickly, speaking with silence as he sat atop Bakugou’s bed again. I don’t want to know. Regardless of what it is, it won’t change how I want to make the numbers drop. It won’t change how I see myself.

Sitting upright, Bakugou gazed up at Todoroki. “Fifteen.” His voice was a jagged spear ripping into Todoroki’s chest. “Objectively speaking, you’re skinny, and you’re underweight. You’re not eating enough. Todoroki, you’re literally starving yourself. I have to make sure you at least eat something. You’re not eating enough to maintain a healthy weight. Watering it down, that’s pretty much what anorexia is.” He gripped the collar of his shirt, yanking it back and forth.

Paralyzed, Todoroki felt as though hot shards of glass were being wedged into each crack and each fold of his lungs. I’m not. Don't compare me to people who truly have a disorder. My problems aren’t nearly as bad as—

“Yer downplaying your problems, aren’t you?” sighed Bakugou. “When you picture an eating disorder or other mental illness, you usually picture the worst, but they aren’t limited to their worst cases. Sure, you aren’t at the point where you look like a living skeleton, but you’re on the path to it, and you’re so much fucking closer to it than you think.”

Todoroki scrupulously scoured the carpet at his feet for the individual tufts of white poking out. “I don’t want to talk about this.” His pale fingers scrunched into the sheets, clawing against each other.

Endeavor would find a way to destroy my life if I were to be diagnosed with anything anyway, Todoroki thought while Bakugou crawled up to his feet. He’d tell me it’s not possible, and that I’m just exaggerating any nugatory issue in my life to get attention and sympathy. I’m just playing the victim.

Bakugou sat beside Todoroki. “All right.” His tender mien impaled Todoroki’s temples with a shotgun shell of fire.

You’re not…pressing me? Todoroki brought his knees to his chin, and his body was gently tugged into Bakugou’s arms. What…is this? I’m so confused. I don't understand. I don’t understand anything. I’m so lost. I’m so overwhelmed. I want to believe you, but I know how it goes every time, but I just… He nestled against Bakugou’s chest as his mind was pervaded by the soothing aroma of burnt sugar. I want to stay like this. Forever… No work, no yelling, no pressure, no violence, no worries… Just warmth. Warmth and safety. Just this…

“Why does he hurt you?” sobbed Todoroki, who clung to his mother’s shirt after witnessing as his mother was beaten to the floor by his father. “It’s not fair…” Silver streams spilled from his eyes as his mother held him tight.

I want to go back to those days when he didn’t hit Mom, Todoroki thought, melting into the velvety blanket of memories whisking through his mind. When I was happy to see Fuyumi and Natsu. When Mom still smiled. When Touya was still alive. When we were all still together… I’ll never have those days back. I’ll never have my family back. I’ll never have that foolish, ignorant happiness back. Why did things have to end up like this? Why? Why couldn’t they stay that way forever?

“Unbearable.”

Just by existing, I ruined the lives of everyone in my family, but I was selfish enough to try and blame everyone but myself for what I did. Just like a stupid dog that can’t understand what it did wrong, snarling and growling at everyone just trying to help it.

Mom… Todoroki sobbed to himself while attempting to finish his homework for the day. I can’t do this without you. I don’t know what to do, and he won’t help me, but if I don’t do it right, he’ll punish me again. Mom… Please come back… Please… But you won’t come back because of me. I… Todoroki felt something warm plop onto his right hand. I promise I’ll be the perfect son. I promise I won’t hurt you again. I promise. I promise… So, please… Please just come back home…

While weeping over his mother, Todoroki suddenly heard the door to his room slam against the frame. With wide eyes, he kept his chin lowered, immediately rubbing away the tears spilling onto his desk.

“Unbelievable,” snarled Endeavor, whose voice shot through Todoroki’s bones like blades of acid. “If you don’t shape up in five seconds…”

“I miss Mom…” Todoroki immediately cried, unable to stifle the sob that followed his words.

“I don’t care if you miss her. She’s gone because of you, Shouto. The world doesn’t revolve around you, and it’s about time you took responsibility for your actions.”

But I still miss her. I don’t know how to stop. I can’t stop. Just tell him how you feel, and he’ll help. Just like Mom…

“I… It just…hurts…”

“Good.”

Todoroki’s chest was crushed into a crimson paste. It’s your fault too… I’m tired of not being able to say what I think. You said it’s okay for me to do that. Just say it, Shouto. Say it.

With a throbbing heart, Todoroki mumbled, “It’s your fault too.”

THWACK!

“You are never to speak to me like that again, do you hear me?!”

“But you said—”

“If you’d never been born, or if that woman aborted you, my life wouldn’t be a fucking mess! All I’ve ever done is give you and your siblings your own fucking spoiled lives, and I gave your mother everything she wanted and more! And what did I get out of it?! I never want you to see your mother again. She never would’ve poured boiling water down your face if you never existed!”

“It’s your fault she did it! You hurt her…”

THWACK! Thwack! Thwack!

“You’re always playing the victim! You are the one responsible for it! You put her in the hospital, Shouto! Stop blaming me for it when it wasn’t my fault! I’ve suffered my entire life just to provide for this family! Day in, day out, I wish I’d just give up on all of you and everything I’ve ever tried to achieve because you’ve all made my life nothing but miserable! Do you fucking understand how much I’ve suffered every single day just for you?! How much pain I go through to give you all I can?! How much I have to work to give you the best life you can have with all these opportunities I never even dreamed of as a kid?! Do you know how fucking broke my family was when I was growing up?! I didn't have anything! I never even knew my mother! And you have the audacity to complain over every little thing in your life?!”

“I’m sorry…” Todoroki whispered as his heart wrenched his ribs apart. “I didn't know…”

I feel so bad… It’s my fault. I didn’t know. I didn’t know… I’m sorry… Why am I like this? I hate myself… I wish I could just stop existing…

Despite that, I want this safe little space that’s far away from all the pain. 

Todoroki couldn’t recall how long he’d enveloped himself in Bakugou’s scent and warmth for, but he was nudged back into the frigid sea of reality when Bakugou gently patted his back. “Oi, dinner’s ready,” whispered Bakugou. “We can stay like this, b—”

Shaking his head, Todoroki slowly lifted his chin from his knees, opening his eyes to the searing filaments of light breaching the room through the windows. He felt as though his ribs were disintegrating, his veins were shriveling into flames, and his heavy eyes were bursting from their sockets. His heart was a water balloon stuck in his throat, and no matter how many times he attempted to swallow down the sac of crimson emotions pulsating inside of him, he was met with the cries of the rubber expanding ever so slowly.

When Todoroki trailed along beside Bakugou to the kitchen, he heard a muffled, exuberant voice say, “Wash up and come sit down.”

“There you are. Wash up, and dinner will be ready in a few minutes. I made your favorite.”

With a beatific smile, Todoroki hugged his mother’s legs, beaming up at her with eyes scintillating with the white light gleaming above. “Thanks, Mom! I love you.”

Todoroki felt his mother’s knees bend as a familiar chin rested on his shoulder. “I am always happy to cook for you, Shouto. I love you more than anything.” Rei gently ran her fingers through her son’s hair, planting a tender kiss on his warm cheek.

It hurts… It hurts? Why? I killed off that pain so long ago, and yet…

After scrubbing away the oils on his hands and under his nails, Todoroki washed his hands a second time before drying them off. He shambled over to the dining table and took his seat next to Bakugou. White clouds crusted over Todoroki’s vision, and he felt like his stomach was being ripped open and closed.

“Before we eat,” Mitsuki commented, “this is Masaru.” She elbowed the man sitting beside her whose hair was chocolate-brown, and a pair of glasses rested on his nose above his thin mustache. “Introduce yourself.”

Masaru nodded with a sheepish smile. “I’m Katsuki’s father. Nice to meet you, Todoroki.”

Todoroki’s throat creaked shut as he frantically groped around his head for the words he’d envisioned himself saying. “Nice…to meet you,” he managed to choke out while bowing his head. “Thank you for the meal.” Reluctantly lifting his chin, his body was shredded by electric needles when smiles and vivid eyes greeted him from around the table.

“Thank you for the meal, Father.”

“The only reason why I did this was so you’d stop eating so much unhealthy food. I took your phone while you were gone as payment. You can thank me for trying to keep the fat off of you.”

“Anytime,” Mitsuki chuckled, and shortly after, the four simultaneously said their thanks for the meal. “Go ahead and grab what you want first.” Her gaze was on Todoroki as she nodded.

Something warm, bitter, and colored like the ocean squeezed Todoroki’s guts. Really? he couldn’t help but wonder as he glanced around the table and picked up his chopsticks. But that’s… His hands began to tremble when Mitsuki mentioned not to be shy, and that Todoroki didn’t have to finish anything if it was too much. They’re all…

“How come we don’t have family dinners anymore, Fuyumi?”

“Shouto, you don’t…remember?”

“No?”

“Dad…hit you for eating first and taking most of the cold soba.”

Todoroki’s heart thrashed in his eyes and temples as he shakily picked up a small lump of cold soba and set it on his plate. Why am I not being scolded? They’re testing me. They have to be. But… He opened his quaking chopsticks in front of the large bowl of dark brown noodles topped with thin circles of green onion, but he glanced up at Bakugou’s parents; Mitsuki gestured with her hand for Todoroki to continue, and Masaru nodded with a smile. But they’re not… I don’t understand. I don't understand. I don’t understand! It hurts. It hurts… I want out. Why aren’t they angry? Just hit me. Hit me already for being so selfish. Why are they…

“Todoroki, what’s wrong?” Mitsuki’s voice cut through the clinking of silverware and porcelain dishes.

A scalding dagger cut through Todoroki’s chest when he heard his name, and his left hand twitched. “Nothing,” he insisted, but he noticed that Mitsuki, Masaru, and Bakugou were all looking at him with harrowed expressions.

Then, Todoroki finally realized why Mitsuki had asked him what she did. Todoroki’s eyes jumped open, he glanced from one figure that swiftly evanesced into light to the next two blurry figures, and then, he reached his hands to the warm streams gleaming on his cheeks. Colorless tears poured from Todoroki’s eyes, dripping onto his lap like water droplets from a leaf bent by the weight of the spring rain.

Why am I… No. Why? Why?

“Excuse…me,” Todoroki gasped, stumbling out of his chair and blindly pushing into the nearby bathroom; a few raindrop-sized puddles shimmered on the floor behind him.

Immediately, a torrent of emotion ripped Todoroki’s lips back, revealing his teeth as his entire body was racked with a barrage of shivers. Mouth agape, he scrunched his eyes closed on the bathroom floor and drove his nails into the fringe of the blue carpet in front of the sink. His tears curved onto his nose and lips like watery wisps of the moon, flooding his dry tongue with a wave of saltiness, bitterness, and the taste of a rich, vibrant blue.

All of Todoroki’s senses were numbed into a burning, glacial sting that rang through his ears and wriggled just beneath his skin. White jaws of incertitude pierced his lungs, and a feathery noose of shame coiled around his throat. All Todoroki could do was weep without a voice at the mercy of his emotions. Gasping, gritting his teeth, wrenching his jaw open, and clutching at his heaving chest, he drowned his body in the melted fragments of his emotions.

Why can’t I stop sobbing? Todoroki wanted to cry as he wiped his eyes with the backs of his hands, feeling new serpents of warm wetness slither from his eyes. Why am I sobbing at all? I got over this so fucking long ago. I don’t cry. That’s not me… He’d yell at me if he knew, like always. They’ll tell him. They’ll tell him… Why am I like this? I can’t stop. The tears just keep pouring from my eyes. I’m not sad. I’m not sad at all. I don’t understand… Why? Stop breaking over nothing. Get a grip. Push it down. Stop being an embarrassment. Just shut off your feelings like you’ve always been able to do, and reset. Yet, another wave of tears rolled down Todoroki’s pink cheeks.

“If you don’t stop crying in ten seconds, I’ll get the belt, Shouto. What are you, three years old?”

No… No. This can’t fucking be happening. Go back to being numb to everything. This isn’t you. This isn’t what your father raised. This isn’t what you spent all that time ripping apart. Stop. It doesn’t hurt. Nothing happened. Nothing fucking happened to you, Shouto! Todoroki inhaled sharply, but his breath was fractured as he yanked his left sleeve and silver watch up, forming a blade of ice with his right hand and beginning to frantically slice through his flesh. You fucking attention whore. Making everyone worry, making a scene, and overreacting… He swallowed thickly and smothered the rivers of crimson on his wrist with a wad of tissues. 

Never again. You’re never crying again. All your pain, all your emotions, all the things weighing you down… You left them all behind so long ago. That was the only way… But seeing Bakugou’s parents again… Nails of hot iron ruthlessly hammered into Todoroki’s sternum as his dark red blood seeped through the white tissues in his hand, melding with the clear shards severed from his eyes. Mom… I can’t do this. I can’t… I’m falling apart. I don’t know what to do. I’m terrified of their kindness. I want out. Please. I can’t take this. I don’t know what the hell is happening to me. I’m not this fucking weak… This can’t be real. It can’t. It can’t. What am I supposed to do? Please tell me… If I just cut deeper, it could all be over, couldn’t it?

Chapter Text

Katsuki Bakugou

“Go ahead and grab what you want first,” Mitsuki told Todoroki with a cordial grin.

Bakugou’s chest was squeezed with a snarl of pain as he witnessed Todoroki’s unequivocal hesitation. It just hurts to watch this, he thought while Todoroki’s large eyes scanned around the table. It’s like he thinks everything comes at a price. Just take the soba already. No one’s gonna hurt you. God, his hands are even shaking… Through the vice sinking into his chest, he reached his hand towards Todoroki from under the table, but he halted his movements at the sound of his mother’s voice.

“It’s okay,” Mitsuki assured Todoroki. “No need to be shy. And don’t feel like you have to eat everything, either. Eat however much you’re comfortable with.” She lifted her glass of water and brought it to her lips, eyeing Masaru.

Wish you’d be as nice to me as you are to him, Bakugou sighed as Todoroki finally scooped up a small helping of cold soba. You’re only ever that nice to guests and friends. They probably think you’re all sunshine and rainbows. Oh, God, Todoroki, the world isn’t gonna end if you take more. He’s probably looking for confirmation that it’s okay again. This is so fucking painful. Finally. He scooped up some cold soba for himself as Mitsuki reached for the miso soup and Masaru picked up some yakitori. 

It makes me so sad to see that this just isn’t normal for him at all. He’s probably used to getting chewed out for any gesture that could be considered rude, and now, when he’s supposed to do shit he’s used to getting scolded for doing… Maybe this was a mistake. Wait. Oh, God, is he crying? Fuck… Todoroki… I’ve never seen him cry. And all that happened…was him being told it was okay to eat first? Something as simple as that…is so far removed from his life that it hurt him this badly? Oh, God…

Bakugou parted his lips to speak, but Mitsuki’s voice severed even the notion of speaking. “Todoroki, what’s wrong?” asked Mitsuki with lowered brows.

“Nothing,” Todoroki uttered in a soft, low murmur, glimpsing at the people around him.

You are such a liar… Bakugou wanted to growl, but his heart was punctured with a serrated dagger when Todoroki’s eyes widened, and suddenly, Todoroki’s fingers touched the rivulets staining his cheeks. No, he didn’t even notice? Fuck. That look… The utter shock on his face. I just want to hug him and tell him it’s okay. He curled his hands into fists.

“Excuse…me,” Todoroki whispered, wincing back the agony contorting onto his face as he brusquely headed into the bathroom.

I can kind of understand why this’d hurt him, but just at face value, what the hell made him cry? Bakugou wondered, casting his gaze back at his parents; Masaru covered his mouth with one hand, and Mitsuki let out a long sigh. I understood his terror when he was told to pick what he wanted, but crying over it? I don’t understand. What happened? Unless he’s just so fucking afraid he’ll fuck up and get punished that this broke him. I don’t know. I don’t know, Todoroki. God, it hurts…

“I overheard some of what you two were talking about,” remarked Mitsuki in a whisper with a hollow smile. “He’s had a rough life, hasn’t he? He even has a limp. Did you bring him here to get him away from someone or some people?”

Bakugou furrowed his brows. “‘Rough’ is an understatement,” he sighed. “He doesn’t at all believe that any of what he’s been through is more than an inconvenience. He can’t even see how toxic his dad is. Or maybe he can…but he justifies it with the saddest reasons. Tch. I’m just sick of him not bringing his best. That’s all.” He drummed his fingers on the table.

“You’re a very good friend to him,” Masaru chimed in, eyeing the bathroom. “I’m proud of you for helping him. He’ll always be welcome here, if he ever needs a place to run to.”

‘Proud?’ My fucking ass. Bakugou narrowed his eyes. Now you’re just gonna make me feel responsible for him. Can’t wait to get guilt-tripped for shit again. Fuck my life. Why can’t you be concerned about me like you are for him? I knew I’d feel this disgusting feeling of jealousy and inferiority. Whatever. I’m not the one who has a broken family and the ashes of a childhood.

Mitsuki’s eyes fell to Todoroki’s plate. “He doesn’t eat a lot, does he?” Her inflection fell flat at the end of her sentence, trailing off into silence. “Was he afraid of taking too much?” 

“I just can’t stop…”

“Wouldn’t doubt it. And he’ll probably pick at that.” Bakugou’s eyes were locked on the few strands of soba on Todoroki’s plate. 

I feel like I’ve tried everything to get him to eat and gain some weight, but it’s not working. I don’t know what to do . Bakugou’s eyebrows kneaded together. I’m not a professional, and he can't even see a professional. But I know he wants to find a way to escape. I can’t fucking imagine how much shame there must be in this, whether or not he wants to admit it.

“Is he why you’ve been slacking in your work and studies?” Mitsuki’s soft, low-burning gaze drifted from the bathroom to Bakugou.

I knew you’d do this shit. “Somewhat,” mumbled Bakugou with a lour. “How can I be my best if I’m not challenged with the best from the damn extras I’m up against?” His scowl deepened with rancor when Mitsuki smiled and closed her eyes. “Hah? Why’re you smiling?”

“You like him, don’t you?” chuckled Mitsuki, who placed her hand on Masaru’s shoulder.

“HAH?!” The pink of cherry blossoms exploded across Bakugou’s cheeks. “Stop assuming everything! Why the hell would I?! Him, of all people?!” His heart trampled his ribs.

“Katsuki, keep your voice down,” Mitsuki sighed. “You were the same way with Kirishima—obsessed and overly worried. I think you two would be a cute couple. Don’t you think, Masaru?” She elbowed her husband.

“Um, well, yes, I can see that,” Masaru replied, adjusting his glasses.

“Fuck off,” hissed Bakugou.

“Language;” groaned Mitsuki. “But you still need to keep your priorities straight. I was not happy with your grades from this last trimester. I know you can do better than this.”

So, what the fuck do you want from me?! Bakugou grit his teeth. Do you want me to help him or help my grades?! You know I have to make sacrifices to satisfy one over the other. My grades are hella important to me, but I’d rather just barely pass my classes than be the reason why he dies. I can’t get him back if he’s gone. Just like you can’t get me back if I’m gone, but all you care about is loading more pressure and guilt onto me.

“You ran off when your mom asked you to stand outside?”

Just tell some of it. It’s all blurry. I don’t know.

“Someone needed my help.”

“Who?” asked Mitsuki.

“A boy. He said his friend was in danger.”

“Oh, I see,” grumbled Mitsuki. “Instead of asking an adult, you took it as an opportunity to run off? You don’t even have a scratch on you. If you don’t tell me the truth in five seconds…”

“It’s the truth!”

“Five.”

I WAS HURT ALL OVER! IT’S ONLY BECAUSE OF THAT OLD LADY AND GUY WITH RED WINGS THAT I DON’T HURT ANYMORE!

“Four.”

“Mom! I’m telling the truth!”

“Three.”

“WHY WON’T YOU LISTEN?!”

“Two.”

“I HATE YOU, YOU STUPID OLD HAG!”

Thwack!

So that’s when it was, huh?

Once Todoroki returned from the bathroom and took his seat, he bowed and apologized. Mitsuki assured him that he had nothing to apologize for, and Masaru inquired as to whether or not everything was all right. Todoroki explained that he was fine, and with a smile, he mentioned that he wasn’t sure what came over him.

Thus, the four ate with small talk being exchanged every now and again. Todoroki was asked about his interests and hobbies by Bakugou’s parents, and Todoroki replied that he enjoyed playing sports. Bakugou offered Todoroki a raised brow, but he remained silent, observing as Todoroki pushed his soba around and instead nibbled on the grapes and apple slices present.

After Todoroki thanked Mitsuki for dinner again, Todoroki and Bakugou returned to Bakugou’s room. For a while, the two were silent, but that silence was broken when Bakugou forced out the dying embers of his voice from his throat:

“If you ever need somewhere to run, you can come here.” Bakugou nodded at Todoroki, who stood beside him.

Todoroki swung his eyes to the awards adorning Bakugou’s wall. “Thanks. I really don’t know why I just…started crying.” He bent his neutral expression into a smile and pushed a subtle chuckle from his chest. “That’s just me, I guess. Anyway, what’s the award you’re most proud of?

Bakugou’s ribs dissolved into venom. “You make it even more obvious you’re hurting when you do that. It’s unnatural for you.” He noticed the familiar, soft clicking of nails scraping and picking at nails.

“I guess, but if the majority think it’s a good thing, that’s all that matters to me.”

Bakugou gripped Todoroki’s right hand. “Why?”

Todoroki’s smile was a ripple of water in a pond. “I don’t want anyone to think I’m trying to fake a mental illness.”

“You don’t have to pretend around me. It just hurts me more to see you try to hide it.”

“I do it without thinking. But enough about me.”

“Y’know, I might have a theory on why you cried at dinner.”

Todoroki tilted his head, glancing over at Bakugou.

“Do you wish…your family was like this?” Bakugou’s question hung heavy in the air like a python resting on his and Todoroki’s shoulders.

When Bakugou’s gaze fell on Todoroki, Todoroki’s eyes overflowed with tears that he immediately attempted to wipe away. “A lot…” Todoroki sniffled in a hoarse whisper. “If I’d never been born…they would’ve been like that. But I…” His chest spasmed, lurching forwards as he inhaled sharply and curled his lips back. “I fucked it up for all of them. A-And it hurts… I don’t deserve to be treated how Mitsuki treats me. I don’t deserve it. I can’t help but think she’s testing me, but I don’t want to paint her like a horrible person when she’s only been kind to me. I don’t… I don’t know…” He closed his red, swollen eyes, silently sobbing into the warm, spring air.

It fucking hurts me too. Bakugou pulled a tissue from the box beside his bed and handed it to Todoroki. Seeing you just so broken and vulnerable… Hearing your story when you wouldn’t tell me a damn thing before… Knowing how the hatred I thought you harbored for yourself ran deep, but only to run deeper than I previously thought. What do I say?

“How do you know yer family would’ve been like that without you?” Bakugou decided to ask.

Todoroki tossed the soiled tissue into the trash. “I’m the reason why everything fell apart,” he hissed.

“You don’t know—”

“I do!” snarled Todoroki, who covered his eyes with his trembling hands. “It’s all my fault! All of it! I-It’s all… It’s all my fault… I’m sorry…” He broke the twitching, thinly-parted frown on his face, carving it into a smile licked by his tears. “I won’t burden you anymore. No more… Never again… I’ll see you…Bakugou.” He waved with his drowned smile, stepping towards the door, but Bakugou pulled Todoroki into his chest from behind.

“No…” huffed Bakugou, who buried his face into Todoroki’s back. “If you do that, I’m fucking joining you… I know it’s rough… I know it’s painful… I know you wanna die real bad, but this isn’t gonna fix anything. It’s only gonna make it harder on everyone you leave behind…” He could feel Todoroki’s frail body quaking in his arms.

Todoroki began to writhe in Bakugou’s grasp. “It won’t. I’m not needed. Just let me have this! That’s all I want…” He bucked and kicked, but he could not rival Bakugou’s iron grip. “Please… It’s the only way I can make things right…” The hot, visceral desperation bleeding from his voice clipped Bakugou’s veins like nail cutters.

Shaking his head, Bakugou clutched Todoroki’s wrists, locking them together against Todoroki’s chest; Todoroki’s left wrist spasmed. “So, you wanna escape your debt to everyone?” Although his voice was like a pumice stone, Bakugou’s eyes began to blur with the watery fangs biting into his lower eyelids. “You can’t pay a single thing off if you die. I know you think you’re doing everyone a favor, but picture it like this: how much you wanna make up to everyone is an amount in cash. If you fucking die…” He snapped his jaws shut, scrunching his eyes closed. “If you decide to be a selfish motherfucker and kill yourself, you’re still leaving everyone in all that debt. Sure, you can’t put them deeper into debt, but it doesn’t erase the debt you already have.” He could feel Todoroki’s heart pounding at his arms.

I just fucking called him selfish, Bakugou immediately lambasted himself, pursing his lips. It doesn’t make you selfish. Fuck. Why’d I say that?

For an ephemeral moment, Todoroki’s eyes widened, but they gradually faded into a set of blank slates. “I guess…” The ghosts of his tears remained on his face, but no longer did his eyes crumble with silver shards. “I just want to go home. Somehow, it’s even more painful to have everything I dreamed of than it is to constantly be in pain.”

Chapter Text

Katsuki Bakugou

I don’t trust that whatsoever, thought Bakugou. You just want me to let you go so you can kill yourself. It’s not happening. I feel guilty as hell for saying you’d be selfish to kill yourself, but it just came out. Fuck. I can’t stop shaking. I know he’s gonna find a place to die if I fuck this up. Deep breaths, Katsuki. Stay calm. He inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. It’s just fucking sad, you know. You’d rather go back to an abusive sack of shit than be around people who care about you and want the best for you? What the fuck did he do to you, Todoroki?

“Since you didn’t trust me to be alone here before, I don't trust you to be alone now,” Bakugou murmured at last, loosening his grip on Todoroki's wrists. “I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt of knowing you died on me. But more than that… I can’t stand the fucking thought of you dying before you’ve ever known what true happiness is like. Don’t you wanna beat me to it? You’ll—”

“Bakugou, I really appreciate that, but in all honesty, I just don’t care.”

“What do you mean?”

“Never mind. Fine. I’ll stay the night.” Todoroki’s quaking body relaxed wholly into Bakugou’s embrace. “Only if your parents are fine with it.”

Bakugou’s hands fell to Todoroki’s sides. “They are,” he sighed, biting down the urge to caress Todoroki’s curves like he had in his pictorial memories. “Your waist is getting so small.” His soft, steaming words flittered through Todoroki’s hair like rainbow-tinted bubbles.

Todoroki wrapped the room in silence like a sultry summer night. “Not as small as yours.”

“Not a chance,” Bakugou scoffed innocuously.

“Take off your shirt.” Todoroki’s point-blank utterance left the taste of gunpowder in Bakugou’s mouth.

What the hell?! I could feel the tension, but that’s hella blunt!

Bakugou pursed his lips. “Why?” he figured he’d ask, despite his every impulse demanding that he shred the fabric fetters constricting his skin.

Todoroki murmured, “So we can compare.”

Wait…what? Bakugou internally face-palmed as he forced the heat rising in his body to simmer. Oh. Of course. For fuck’s sake. Don’t tantalize me like that, you asshole! He expelled a long sigh.

“Normally, I’d tell you no, and that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others, but y’know what? Fine.” Bakugou released Todoroki from his grasp and tugged his shirt over his head, walking towards the bathroom. “C’mon.” Flicking on the light, he stood before the mirror splashed over with yellow light and examined his thin but robust body.

Todoroki hesitantly followed suit, slipping off his shirt and stepping into the mirror’s eye with Bakugou; Todoroki kept his forearms tight against his hips. His frame was much smaller than Bakugou’s, and whereas Bakugou had a broad, protruding chest with defined muscles, Todoroki bore the remnants of what once resembled Bakugou’s chest. There was a slight roundness to Todoroki’s abdomen that was nowhere to be seen in Bakugou, but at the same time, Todoroki’s flesh was tightly strapped to visible ribs.

“You think that’s fat?” Bakugou asked, noting the difference in the size of his and Todoroki’s arms. “You’re smaller and thinner than me in every way, except height. You can literally see your ribs. That’s not healthy at all. If you’re fat, I’m a fucking elephant. But I’m not. I think my body’s fine as it is. I worked my ass off to shape myself to be like this.” He stood behind Todoroki, allowing the latter to have a direct view of their differing sizes. “You’ve also gotta consider that we have different body types. When you were jacked, you didn’t look like me. Your build is yours, and you can choose to accept it and learn to be okay with it. Cuz the body you’re after is one you’re never gonna get, no matter how thin you get. 

“Look at it this way: no matter how much I work out, I’m just not gonna look like how you did. I envied that muscular build all around. You and Glasses have that kind of build, but I don’t. For a while, I hated it. I hated it a lot… I felt more vulnerable, and like I just wasn’t doing enough. I hated the comments on how I looked thin. I was doing everything I could to just look strong—be the spitting image of strength. But I learned that it’s just a part of who I am, and if I keep hating it, obsessing over it, and trying to change it to the point where it’s self-destructive, I won’t be accomplishing a damn thing.” Bakugou gripped Todoroki’s shoulders. “Just stunting my own progress and growth. I have bigger problems that need to be taken care of.

“I was the only enemy in my way, and the only one stopping myself from improving where I needed to be. Didn’t happen overnight or anything—took years. Might look thin, but my strength speaks for itself. Hah. I’ve never told anyone about that.” A subtle smile crept onto Bakugou’s face. “Just cuz I did that, though, it didn’t allow me to love myself. Nah, I still hated myself. But I realized I’d hate myself the most if I kept letting my own hatred for myself be what stopped me from reaching the things I was so desperate to achieve above all else. That was just one of my problems feeding into my self-hatred. I still have so many others, but for me, that was my starting line.”

Bakugou patted Todoroki’s shoulder with a smirk. Even though I’ve been able to focus on other problems, life had to be a bitch and make things even more complicated and shitty. A spiral of bad choices later, and I thought it was all over. He noticed how Todoroki’s eyes fell to the floor. Thought that handling that problem by myself meant I could do it all on my own, but I couldn’t. Not one bit. I wish I’d gotten help then. If I hadn’t hated myself so much and hadn’t felt like getting help would make me weak, would I have been happy by now? Would I have wanted to live because I wanted to live? How many problems could I have avoided? How much suffering could I have skipped? How much better would my life have been?

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

Fuck, no… Oh, God, they were so fucking similar…

Finally poking through the silence, Todoroki lifted his head and parted his lips. “I had no idea.” His eyes traced along Bakugou’s abs. “That must’ve been tough to struggle through on your own. The fact that you did it, and you have such a positive motive despite everything… It’s kind of inspiring.” His lips formed a gentle smile. “I wish I could think like you do.”

Bakugou canted his head. “What do you think when you see your reflection?”

“It’s ugly. It’s—”

“Why?”

Todoroki paused, staring at the tiled floor again in the yellow shower of light raining from above. “Everything about me is all wrong.” His voice was a leaf floating in a river. “My scars, my skin, my eyes, my shape, just… Everything. I hate it all.”

Pressing his chest to Todoroki’s back, Bakugou embraced the person he’d fallen for. “If yer not gonna love yourself, I will.” He slowly slid his hand to the slight protrusion bulging from Todoroki’s abdomen. “Even this cute little gut you have. Heh. I know I say this like I’m your boyfriend, but we aren’t exactly your stereotypical friends.” He unraveled his arms from Todoroki, but the latter promptly brought Bakugou’s arms around himself again. “Do you wanna live the rest of yer life hating your body, destroying yourself over it, and never feeling comfortable in your own skin? Obviously not when you’re doing everything you can to change it. It’s gonna be hella hard to find a comfortable place for yourself if you can’t grow to be comfortable with what you’ve got.”

Todoroki’s squinted, lifeless eyes met the scarlet depths of Bakugou’s eyes through the mirror. “But that’s just what I deserve,” he sibilated in a coarse murmur. “I don’t want the changes I’m ‘supposed’ to want.”

Bakugou shook his head. “Look at yourself. Do you really hate this person? What’s he done to you?” His chest tightened when Todoroki parted his lips and fastened them back up a few times.

“Exist only to fuck things up,” mumbled Todoroki, who averted his eyes from the mirror.

Cupping Todoroki’s chin, Bakugou lifted the latter’s head again. “What were you like as a kid? Like, as early as you can remember.”

Todoroki lowered his brows. “Happy… Smiling, excited, full of energy… What you’d expect from a kid.” His eyes traced out the silhouette of Bakugou’s body.

“Do you really hate him too?”

Closing his eyes, Todoroki fell into silence. “Why wouldn’t I? I never deserved that happiness. I was ignorantly blissful.” All color had been stripped from his voice.

Somewhere, there’s got to be a part of you that doesn’t want to hate yourself… There’s got to be a part that hates your dad. Wait…

“Exactly, you knew no better.” Bakugou nodded. “No child knows better. Would you tell me that I didn’t deserve to be happy as a kid, even though I sure as hell made my parents’ lives a living hell all on my own? I never gave a shit about them. All I cared about was myself. I took and never gave. But my parents loved me anyway. They did some fucked up things to me that’ve created my issues and put me into therapy, but…there’s no changing the past. Even if I wished I could go back to fix the shitty things I did, I can’t, and that’s that. All I can do now is come to terms with it, learn from it, and keep going. If I hate myself for it forever, it’s pointless, because I can’t change a damn thing that happened. But I can make amends in the present and future for what happened in the past.”

Todoroki’s shoulders sank. “But I know I was a mistake. I know that all I did was fuck things up and take the happiness everyone else should’ve had. I know I never should’ve been born.”

Everyone says heaven gives you ‘eternal peace’ and happiness. I want to go there. Can’t I just go for a little bit? Then I can ask why I’m here when all I do is mess everything up. I hate it here. I hate it here so much… It’d be better for everyone if I went to heaven. I could finally be a Hero like All Might, and…they wouldn’t yell at me anymore. They don’t want me. But—

“Hey, kid, you lost?” asked a male police officer. “It’s way past your curfew.”

“How do you go to heaven?”

Bakugou swallowed thickly, attempting to dissolve his memories in a bath of stomach acid. “Why do you know that?”

“I’ve been told that again and again and again by the person who loves me so much that he sacrificed it all for me.”

“Todoroki, deep down, you hate him, don’t you?”

Shriveling into Bakugou’s arms, Todoroki began to shake. “How could I? I don’t have the right. But he’s also done things he shouldn’t have countless times. But it’s never been that bad, and it was all for me…” He shook his head, inhaling sharply.

I knew it, Bakugou growled to himself. I get it now. God, you really have been crying out for help for so long, and no one’s put the effort in to truly find you and help you out. I get it… I get why you were ignoring Glasses too. Fuck…

Bakugou took a few seconds to steady his equilibrium. “Who told you you don’t have the right to hate him? It was Endeavor himself, wasn’t it?” His stomach squirmed when Todoroki nodded. “How the hell is that fair? Imagine if I told Shitty Hair he isn’t allowed to hate me, despite all the shit I put him through. ‘I love you, so you’re not allowed to hate me for anything at all, no matter what.’ I’d just be a toxic, manipulative, narcissistic asshole. That wouldn’t be fair to him at all.

“Todoroki, you’re allowed to hate him. You’re allowed to hate the person who’s hurt you. You’re allowed to feel like you’re the victim. Your feelings are your feelings, and no one’s got any right to prohibit you from feeling them. You can’t even help what you automatically feel. It’s okay to feel, y’know. Do you wanna believe the person who’s given you so much trauma your whole life without remorse, or the person who wants to help you, cares about you and your feelings, and wants to hear what you have to say?”

Once again, Todoroki cloaked himself with a thick veil of silence. “But I know he does love me,” he finally answered with a threadbare patchwork of words.

You’re doing the same exact fucking thing you dumped Glasses for, Todoroki! Bakugou wanted to shout. You’re making up shitty excuses to cover for Endeavor’s abuse because he says he loves you. I’m not okay with that!

“Would someone who truly loves you call you an attention whore and kick you out of the house because you’re struggling?” Frigid vitriol dripped from the red flames of Bakugou’s baritone voice. “Would they hit you? Would they say to your face how you aren’t the child they wanted? Is that what someone who truly loves you would do to you?” His organs squeezed into a pulp as Todoroki’s knees gave out beneath him, but Bakugou’s hold around Todoroki prevented either of the two from collapsing.

Todoroki mumbled, “I don’t… I don’t fucking know anymore… All my life, I’ve been taught what I know, but suddenly, you came along and told me it’s all wrong. What…” He snapped his eyes shut. “What am I supposed to believe? If I can’t believe everything I’ve been taught, then, again, I’d be living a lie. You’re telling me to accept that practically everything I know is a lie, the people who forced me into this world aren’t truly parents, the people who love me don’t really love me, the people closest to me that I should mean the most to…did so fucking much to me for all these years…for their own benefit when they said it was all for me? 

“Just to hurt me? It was all just a lie to use me? All I’ve ever been truly is just a fucking product to be used? How am I… Never mind. It doesn’t matter. Sorry. Haha… He’s right. I just want attention and sympathy, don’t I? Yeah. Sorry, I made all that up.” The melting smile staining Todoroki’s face gleamed like the wax from a lit candle. “All of what I’ve said about Endeavor is a lie. I just wanted you to feel bad for me. That’s all it ever was. So, when you told me I must be so sick and fucked up because I was so shallow about everything, you weren’t wrong. This is the truth—the true me I’ve been hiding from you—Bakugou.”

Chapter Text

Katsuki Bakugou

What…the fuck? was Bakugou’s initial reaction to Todoroki’s abrupt claim that the latter’s outpour of verbalized turmoil had all been fabricated. Made up? No. No fucking way. Todoroki, why the hell are you doing this?! There’s no way in hell you got all vulnerable and opened up about Endeavor just for it all to be a lie. Shut up. That’s not who you are. Shut up. Shut up! He ground his teeth together and punctured his palms with his nails. All this just to keep living the lie that Endeavor isn’t abusive? I can’t imagine how painful and stressful this is for you, but this is all just a facade. I know it is. You never laugh. It hurts how fucking obvious it is!

Turning Todoroki to face him, Bakugou gripped Todoroki’s shoulders and hissed, “Bullshit…” Tears jabbed his eyes like crystalline needles. “Todoroki, it’s so fucking obvious you’re lying. Stop defending that manipulative sack of shit! Do you realize that you’re doing the same thing that Glasses did that made you break up with him?! Look at me.” His heart throbbed when Todoroki flinched. “The biggest lie you could live is staying in denial and believing that he isn’t an abusive sack of shit. He wouldn’t even let you see a therapist. If you told him you want to die, how do you think he’d react? Now how do you think I’d react?”

Todoroki kept his forehead pressed to Bakugou’s shoulder. “At least he’d… Never mind. I’m just tired. I want to sleep.” His warm breaths seeped into Bakugou’s shoulder.

“Ignoring the pain and pushing down the difficult things isn’t gonna make them go away. They’re only gonna build and snowball.”

“You still don't know anything about me. It won’t. There was nothing there to begin with.” Todoroki wriggled out of Bakugou’s grasp, poking his head through his shirt and tugging it over his shoulders. “I’m fine. I’m not talking about this anymore.” He stood up to his feet and ambled back to Bakugou’s bed.

I hate just having to shove down everything I feel so I don’t get my ass handed to me, but because of that, everything muddles into uncontrollable rage that randomly comes out later. Then the punishments are only made that much worse, even though they were what I was trying to fucking avoid in the first place. The shit you get mad at me for is your own fucking fault anyway. All my problems—from how I react to things to my self-image to my coping mechanisms—are because of you. 

But not only would you never believe that, but you’d deny it, get defensive, and then blame me for it and tell me it’s my own fault. Some fucking ‘psych major’ you are. And the fucking nerve you have to flex it and say you ‘specialize’ in it when it comes to kids when you did just about everything right to raise me wrong, fuck me mentally for life, and do all the things that go against both complex and basic fucking psychology alike like the fake-ass bitch you are…

Shhk! Shk! Shk! Shk!

“Fuck you…” Pulling his lips back, Bakugou shoved his nails into the fresh pink lines steadily distorting with red that littered his legs. “Even this is your fault. It’s only because of you that I… Fuck. Fuck you…”

Deep down, you wanna think the same about him, don’t you? With a hefty sigh, Bakugou slid back into his shirt and washed his face at the sink. If you ask me, it’s fucked up how we’re in similar situations with our parents who do a lot of the same bullshit. I know you’re not okay at all. Despite that, you still just keep trying to help everyone but yourself. That motherfucker that’s the cause of most of this… He dried his face on a white towel and returned to his room to see Todoroki curled into a fetal position underneath the bed. I feel like I should just force him into getting help, but that was hella traumatic for me, and it might be even worse for him. I don’t know what to do.

“Not a fucking chance,” Bakugou growled, crossing his arms at the side of his bed. “You’re not sleeping on the floor. I’ll sleep with the dust bunnies if you don’t want to sleep together. Or…I can put your futon under there. You are not just sleeping on the floor. So, pick one.”

“Whichever one is easiest for you,” Todoroki replied.

Oh my fucking God… Bakugou face-palmed and crouched down, dragging Todoroki out from underneath the bed. He is so fucking annoying. I hate him so much. With a grunt, he lifted Todoroki onto the bed. It’s still hella early. I’m not going to bed yet. Ugh, that’s right. I also have to go on that stupid walk for therapy. At least this is one of my better weeks.

Thus, Bakugou proceeded to take a thirty-minute walk around the neighborhood and block. He’d observed the green tendrils slithering from the cracks in the sidewalk, the varying textures and colors of the bark on the trees, and the designs of the stone barriers before each house on the block. After returning home, Masaru inquired as to whether or not Todoroki was with Bakugou, so Bakugou replied that Todoroki was asleep.

Slowly rotating the knob on his door, Bakugou tiptoed into his room. He closed the door behind him and simply stared at Todoroki for a moment; the latter was like a breathing, lifeless doll. Bakugou plopped onto the chair at his desk and pulled out the notebook he used for his journaling.

It was pretty warm outside, Bakugou wrote. Blue, cloudy skies. Faster breeze than normal. He thought back to the things he’d closely examined on his walk. I don’t remember most of what I looked at. Go figure. This is stupid. But I guess I was focusing on the small things that never really get noticed instead of the shit in my life. One crack in the sidewalk had some ants crawling in and out of it. There was this huge red ant that came scurrying to the crack with a breadcrumb or something. Now that I think about it, I didn’t squish the ants like I would’ve otherwise.

Suddenly, a low, hollow voice murmured, “What’re you doing?” Todoroki lifted his head from Bakugou’s pillow.

Bakugou set his wooden pencil down. “Journaling shit for therapy. I thought you were asleep.” He turned to face his heavy-eyed classmate.

“I’m tired, but I can’t fall asleep.”

“Well, I’m gonna take a bath to unwind in a few. If you wanna join, just say so.”

“So.”

“What?”

Todoroki was silent, but he kept his curious eyes on Bakugou.

Then, Bakugou scrunched his eyes closed. “Oh my fucking God. You are such an asshole.”

“I only did what you said.”

“Fuck you.”

With that, Bakugou and Todoroki proceeded to take a twenty-minute bath together in relative silence. Todoroki sat on Bakugou’s left, keeping his left hand and left leg tight together. Although Bakugou wanted to ask about the scars, bruises, wounds, and healing injuries plaguing Todoroki’s body, he remained silent. In that silence, steam, and faint swishing of water, Todoroki mentioned how he was reminded of the time when he invited Iida to bathe together, and how Iida struggled to accept the invitation without thinking he sounded too eager for the opportunity. Bakugou snickered at Todoroki’s tale and remarked that the bath must have been cramped.

By morning, Bakugou prepared a batch of pancakes, tea, and omelets for everyone. Mitsuki chuckled that Bakugou only ever made breakfast when he had a friend over, and after being brushed off by Bakugou, she asked if Todoroki would be comfortable eating together again. Bakugou shrugged, but he was unable to purge the memory of witnessing Todoroki come to the realization that he was crying.

Every time I remember his face, there’s just this jagged heat that rushes through my chest. I couldn’t even help him. I couldn’t do shit.

“It’s sweet you wanted him to stay the night,” Mitsuki said with a grin. “You two didn’t get into any trouble last night, did you?” Her grin snapped into a smirk.

Bakugou grit his teeth while furiously beating the eggs in the bowl he held. “We didn’t do anything, old hag! Don’t make it weird!” He shook his head.

Mitsuki let out a soft laugh. “I’m teasing, Katsuki. I’m sure he appreciates your kindness. You’re so gentle with him.”

“All I’ve ever been truly is just a fucking product to be used?”

“Don’t you dare yell at him,” Bakugou murmured under his breath.

You’d probably confirm all his suspicions. He’s already hella suicidal. He doesn’t show it, but he’s hella fragile.

“Is everything okay at home?” queried the male police officer.

No. I don’t want to go back. The longer I’m out, the angrier she’ll be. So, if I never go back…

“Heaven’s super cool, right? How come we’re all here, then?”

The policeman with short black hair sat beside Bakugou on the yellow park bench. “It’s really hard to get there,” he replied, lowering his head under the amber light of the street lamp nearby; Bakugou vaguely remembered the man’s dark green eyes. “How come you want to go?”

“It sucks here,” mumbled Bakugou, who swung his feet back and forth in the gap between the ground and the bench. “It’s shitty.”

“And where did you learn that word?”

“My old hag.”

“Your old hag?”

“I hate her.”

The policeman let out a long sigh. “Did she do something to you?”

“I was… I got hurt…really bad trying to help someone, and… Someone healed me, but when I went back to her, she wouldn’t believe me. She yelled at me for forever and made Dad spank me. But…”

‘Oh, please. Get over yourself, Katsuki. You’re an embarrassment.’ I just wanted a hug… Why were you so mean? It’s because I was about to cry. I’m not that weak. I’ll never be that weak ever again.

I know she didn’t know what happened, but I was fucking terrified. Fuck, even now, it still fucking haunts me. I don’t know how that shit didn’t completely fuck me up to experience. I’m glad I forgot about it for a while…

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

Bakugou inhaled sharply. All I wanted was a mom to hug me and keep me safe as I bawled my eyes out over what happened, but all I got was a knife in the back from the person I thought I could run to. I was literally breaking down, but I wasn’t even allowed to do that. Instead…

After twelve minutes or so, Todoroki approached Bakugou and Mitsuki with a soft, paper-like smile. “Good morning,” he greeted the two.

Breaking down in anger and tears one moment, and ever since… 

“Good morning,” Mitsuki replied. “Did you sleep all right?”

Todoroki nodded. “Thank you very much for allowing me to stay. How much do I—”

“Nothing.” Mitsuki shook her head and gestured for Todoroki to sit at the dining table while Bakugou began to walk a teapot over to the table before abruptly coming to a halt and turning around. “You’re welcome to stay here whenever you’d like. You don’t owe a thing. We’ll take care of everything for you.”

Bakugou picked up the porcelain cup by Todoroki and walked it over to the teapot on the counter behind the latter. “See? Told you, dumbass.” He poured out a green waterfall of tea into the cup and handed it to Todoroki. “It’s hot. Want it iced?”

Todoroki shook his head with another smile. “Thank you.” His eyes landed back on Mitsuki. “It’s really no problem if you want me to…” His voice trailed off when Mitsuki shook her head again. “Oh.” He brought the steaming cup of tea to his lips with his left hand and took a sip, stifling the wince that rattled across his face. “You’re very nice. I’m kind of reminded…of my mom.” His eyes became two empty voids drifting in the sea of his green tea.

As Bakugou placed two more cups of tea on the table, Mitsuki asked, “Oh? What’s your mom like?” Her tender smile wrinkled Bakugou’s brows.

Todoroki took another sip of tea and plastered on a smile, forcing out a soft chuckle. “She was loving, kind, patient, and always compassionate.” His body became rigid.

So you mean… Bakugou wanted to say while forking a pancake onto Todoroki’s plate. And that fucking fake-ass laugh… He noticed his mother’s change of expression and posture; Mitsuki sat upright and lowered her brows. Don’t press it.

“Todoroki, is everything okay at home?” Mitsuki’s query enveloped the three in a moment of suffocating silence.

Nodding, Todoroki set his cup down and began to pick at the skin on his left index finger from under the table. “Yes. My mom doesn’t currently live there, but it’s nice nonetheless. I appreciate you asking, though.”

You fucking liar.

Mitsuki nodded and cut into her omelet. “If it ever isn’t, we’d all be happy to see you here again.”

Bakugou bit off a piece of his omelet as well, glancing over at Todoroki. Smoother than I thought. Then, his eyes widened when he noticed that there was a bruise on Todoroki’s right wrist that had not been present that night. What? When the hell? How the hell?

“Thank you.” Todoroki bowed his head slightly and brought his cup to his lips again.

“Of course! And you’re free to eat whenever you’re feeling up to it,” Mitsuki reassured Todoroki.

Yet, Todoroki did not eat. He’d assisted Mitsuki in cleaning up the dishes, and afterwards, he was dragged back to Bakugou’s room. Bakugou crossed his arms and offered Todoroki a tilted side glare.

“I’m genuinely not hungry,” Todoroki sighed with glacial words. “Or, more accurately, I don’t have an appetite.”

I mean, I guess it’d make sense after all the stress he went through yesterday, but… Bakugou glimpsed at Todoroki’s right wrist. He kept it hidden for all of breakfast. All with that fake-ass smile.

“What happened to your wrist?” snapped Bakugou.

Todoroki formed a loose smile. “It’s a stupid reason. I accidentally hit it on the side of your table when my phone went off while you were on a walk. I really don’t like loud sounds, but even though I’m a light sleeper, I guess I’m too paranoid to make my ringtone quieter.”

Fuck you. I can’t tell if that’s a good lie or genuinely what happened, because I can see both being plausible. I’d be shitting myself over being jolted awake too if I knew it could be that bastard wanting something from me immediately. Fuck. I don’t know.

“Can’t blame you. And y’know, the smiles are just hella creepy at this point. The laughs are even weirder.”

An empty laugh fell from Todoroki’s lips, shattering on the ground like glass. “It's just how I feel. What’s wrong with that?” He bent his knees and straightened them back out in a slow rhythm.

I am so fucking weirded out by all his weird behavior… Bakugou cogitated. Wasn’t too long ago he was the same person I always knew. Now, who the hell is this?

“What’s wrong with it? It’s not how you feel. You never used to do this, Todoroki.”

“People change.”

Bakugou grated his lips together. “So, you’ve gone back to lying nonstop, huh?” He expelled a long breath. “If you really want out of the shit you’re trapped in, this is only gonna make things worse. You’re such a pain in the ass. But I know you’re doing this because you’re hurt.”

The corners of Todoroki’s lips lifted while his eyes lowered to the ground. “‘Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.’ No matter how much everything changes, nothing ever changes, does it? Everything was fine for so many years until things suddenly changed, and now…” He shook his head. “What…happened to me?”

Chapter Text

Shouto Todoroki

It was the first day back to school for class 3-A, marking the class’s final year at U.A. High. Todoroki found himself staring up at the inky sea above his head, which was gripped by waves of blurry, white light. His alarm had screamed at him to wake up thirty minutes prior, but Todoroki’s leaden body was glued to his futon. He’d been ordered to visit home by Endeavor the day prior, and he could not forget the events that pinched the nerves in his chest.

“Shouto, I bought you a new turtleneck,” said Endeavor as he, Fuyumi, and Todoroki ate dinner together. “The one from your closet was old. I only want the best for you, and you would do well to follow that mentality.”

“Thanks.”

Of course you left out the fact that you burned it. Now it sounds like you truly were just being generous. You could have at least given it to someone who needed it. I’m wasteful for not eating everything on my plate, but burning a perfectly good turtleneck isn’t? Breaking my mugs? Throwing away my things? And yet you always want to paint yourself as someone so generous, kind, and heroic while simultaneously using it to frame me as a selfish, disgusting mutt for things I didn’t even do? No. Don’t even think about it.

“Let me see your phone. I want to make sure you’re using it appropriately.”

Todoroki handed his phone to his father. Shit. Don’t look at my messages. Everything else is fine. When instructed to unlock his phone, he entered the passcode and stood in the silence that tore through his body like acid. Don’t look at my messages. I put off deleting them all one time, and of course…

“Shouto, write down your password immediately. You will not be getting this back until I’m done.”

Fuck. Todoroki wordlessly followed Endeavor’s command and was sent off to his room. What else is going to go wrong? I can't help the feelings I’ve had for Iida, and I can’t help but think Bakugou is incredibly attractive. Nausea punched through his stomach like a boulder. I’m only supposed to feel those things with women, but… He told me that long ago. I’ve always known. I knew before I realized I’d fallen for Iida. And yet, I still let myself…

Todoroki buried his face into his pillow, cutting out the remainder of his memory from his immediate thoughts. “It doesn’t matter,” he hissed to himself. “It’s fine. Nothing happened. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter at all.” A jagged laugh scraped through his throat. “It’s completely fine. It’s nothing. I’m just overreacting.” His fingers raked into his pillow.

I’m getting so tired of putting on this act, but I can’t stop myself from doing it. It’s like my automatic smiling evolved into this. I don’t know why I’m doing it. It just happens, and I can’t stop myself from doing it, even if I don’t at all feel like how my reactions would indicate. Laughing? Smiling? It really isn’t like me at all, and yet, it’s become so normal that I can’t stop it from happening. I can’t stop myself from anything anymore.

After roughly an hour of gagging on his fingers on the floor with his body hunched over the toilet, Todoroki managed to self-induce his own vomiting. He’d forced himself to clean up every last smudge of food he’d been served by Endeavor on the night his phone was confiscated. Soon after he finished rinsing out his mouth, Todoroki met the yellow-tinted eyes of his reflection.

If what I’m seeing is a distorted perception of myself…then just what is it that you see?

Todoroki placed his hand on his stomach where he’d been punched repeatedly and forced to endure the heat of Endeavor’s flames for five minutes that felt like five centuries. A rippling grimace contorted over his face, pinching and squeezing his skin into wrinkles and ravines.

I don’t want to show my face at school, Todoroki wanted to sob as he slowly drove his nails into the raw layer of wounds scorching his stomach. It hurts. It hurts! But I deserve it. I just want to lie here, sleep, and silently disappear into an endless dream. I want out… I want out of this more than anything else, but every time someone reaches out to me, I run deeper into this pit. I’m a coward. That light piercing the waves… It’s too bright. I’d surely go blind. All I know is this endless kingdom of sand. If the light reached through, the world I know would unravel and disappear. Where would I go? Who would I be? What would there be left of me? He craned his neck to check the time from his digital clock.

I need to leave. Bakugou will be here any minute. He’ll be worried if he sees me like this. He’ll probably skip school and tell me to as well because my health is more important. It’s not. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go… I don’t fucking want to go… He tore apart the dolor encroaching on his expression, stitching a smile over it instead. It’ll be a good day. Right. How funny…that I can’t get out of bed. I’m just being lazy. That’s all. I’m happy. This is happiness. Nothing is wrong. Get up so you can brighten everyone’s day.

“I have never been more repulsed. My son? Gay? You chose to be this way to defy me, didn’t you?! You’re disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. I will be restricting all of your devices, you will wear a tracker, and you will tell me every place you go. Did you learn nothing?! I am your father, and you will obey me, no matter what, Shouto Todoroki. Don’t play dumb. You know the Bible says that!”

Where, then? Where? Where does it explicitly say that? Are you talking about honoring my parents? That’s not… How… And you say the Bible says it’s not okay to be angry, but here you are, as always. Whatever… It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. I wish I’d just gone through with it and bled out then. So what if Bakugou and his family would’ve been forced to see my dead body? Because that’s selfish too. But if everything I do is selfish anyway…what the hell does it matter?

Tonk! Tonk!

Internally cursing at himself, Todoroki jolted out of his futon and stumbled towards the door, but within a few steps, he began to swerve. His mind clouded over with a heavy film of dust, his temples burned, and his organs were squeezed together. Dropping to the floor on his hands and knees, Todoroki panted through the sharp ringing in his ears.

I just want everything to fucking stop… Todoroki silently pleaded while staggering up to his feet and teetering to the door. Even more of my hair has been starting to fall out, I’m always exhausted, everything makes me lightheaded… He split his harrowed expression with a smile and opened the door.

“Fuck, you had me sweating bullets,” groaned Bakugou, who raised his hand to his forehead. “But oi, you look like shit. And you…” He arched a brow. “I can tell you haven’t showered. What’s wrong?”

Todoroki shook his head. “Nothing. I turned my alarm off, but I guess I should’ve hit ‘snooze.’ I should have my phone back by the end of the day.” His vision began to blur again, smearing into a hot haze of white.

Stay conscious, Todoroki snarled at himself. I don’t have time for this.

“Can't tell you how many times I’ve done that. But you just look really pale and out of it.”

“I don’t even know.” Todoroki felt his knees begin to sink as his stomach twisted around itself. “I just…” His eyelids were bricks drooping over his eyes.

Then, Todoroki found himself in a black sea of silence. His entire body was set ablaze beneath a curtain of paralysis. He could remember suddenly realizing that his orientation was no longer standing upright, and that he was lying on something soft.

I’m lying down? pondered Todoroki as he slowly peeled open his eyes. Dark. Ceiling. Bakugou. Oh. I fainted? All I remember…is standing there and feeling awful.

“Thank fuck,” sighed Bakugou, who pushed out a long breath from his lungs. “You passed out. It’s just me.” His dark eyes were focused on Todoroki. “Just rest for a minute.”

“I’m…sorry,” Todoroki whispered under his breath, unable to gaze into Bakugou’s eyes. “You can go to class. I’ll—”