Chapter Text
Shouto Todoroki
Light. Sunlight. White sunlight reflecting off of snow. Cold hand sanitizer. Rubber. Tidal waves in the eyes. Needles lancing through nerves. Teeth scraping the skull. One dry river, two dry rivers. Pixelated sea of light.
Where? was Todoroki’s first question when he blinked open his eyes to a white room with white overhead lights. The infirmary? What happened? Oh. Tenya. I passed out? No… I barely did anything. Get up. He sat upright, but his movements were stifled when a throbbing pang of pain jolted through his core.
“Oh, T-Todoroki-kun, you shouldn’t be moving just yet.” Midoriya waved his hands back and forth beside Todoroki. “Do you feel okay?” Solace laced his soft voice.
Todoroki nodded. “Is the battle still…” His words dried up in his throat when Midoriya shook his head.
“It’s almost midnight,” Midoriya replied, directing his forest-green eyes to his phone. “Your team won, by the way. Um. But it’s really unlike you to go down so quickly. Are you okay?” He pressed his thumbs together, lowering his brows.
So, in the end, my teammates never needed me… I was just deadweight, as always. Why? Why? Don’t. Don’t start remembering. You already know where that got you.
CRACK!
One memory cost me an entire battle…
“Yeah,” Todoroki sighed, plastering on a slim smile. “Just disappointed I couldn’t do more. I guess I used up too much energy too quickly.” He stared at his right wrist; the red and purple splotches had vanished along with the pain. “I was looking forward to going all out against you with everything I've learned and accepted these past two years.”
Smiling, Midoriya tucked his phone into his pocket. “I still get chills every time I see you unleash so much firepower. Literally.” His smile faded into a gray line. “But…is everything okay with Endeavor?”
Don’t.
“Get off your ass and exercise.”
Stop.
You say that while drinking beer and watching TV on the couch.
Hypocrite. Todoroki nodded, twisting off a flap of flesh from his left pinky finger. You drink even more now too. He patted his pocket for his phone.
Tenya
Shouto, please text me when you wake up, and I’ll be at your side as soon as possible.
Bakugou
Text me when you see this so I know your ass didn’t die on me.
Yaoyorozu
I hope you’re doing all right after that fight. Don’t push yourself, and rest well
Why do I just feel emptier after reading those? cogitated Todoroki. I don’t know how to respond. If I just say ‘thank you,’ that’s disrespectful. If I wait too long, if I send the message at night, if I send the message too early in the morning…that’s disrespectful.
“You ignored your sister’s text, Shouto? Unacceptable. Give me your phone.”
I genuinely forgot… I was going to reply, but I got busy with school, and I hardly text anyone anyway…
“See this, Shouto?” Endeavor held up the blanket Rei handmade for Todoroki with his first name stitched into it.
No… No. Please don’t. No. No…
All Todoroki could do was stare at the plume of orange and yellow engulfing his favorite blanket.
“This is what happens when you disrespect your family. Now apologize.”
You never pick up your phone, but whenever someone brings that up… ‘Get over it.’ ‘I missed one call. What about it? I have my own fucking life. The world doesn’t revolve around you.’ ‘I was busy.’ You never apologize. It’s fine when you do it all the time, but when any of us do it even just once…
Midoriya shifted in his seat beside Todoroki as the silence thickened like coagulating blood. “Endeavor stopped by just a bit before I got here, and, well, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but…” His brows sank further. “He called you useless and pathetic, he said he raised you better than this, and he said you’ve thrown all his hard work away. It really doesn’t sound like everything is okay.”
‘Treat others how you want to be treated.’ Right… I guess you want to be treated like shit, but you demand the utmost respect. What was Bakugou saying about respect?
Todoroki felt his stomach tighten. “He’s somewhat like Bakugou when he talks about me—he doesn’t mean the cruel things he says,” he assured Midoriya. “Sorry if that worried you. I guess it would sound concerning to anyone who isn’t aware.” He began to text Iida.
Even if it’s not true, it has to be true, so I’ll make it true. Burn your ego, Shouto. Don’t be self-conceited. It has to be true. He’s only human. He’s just going through a difficult time. He’s doing it for you, you selfish, spoiled lapdog.
Shouto
I’m awake, and I’m okay
Tenya
I’ll be over at once.
“Well, if anything happens, just know I’m always happy to hear you out, okay?” Midoriya wore a desolate smile.
“If something happened, would you tell me, Shouto?”
Shut up. Stop invading my head. I hate that this can go on for hours. How much of my life have I been wasting by dwelling over the past?
“Thank you, Midoriya.” Todoroki watched Midoriya wave and take his leave.
No. “Yes.”
“Good. I care about you, and you can tell me anything. You know that, right?” Todoroki nodded as he was pulled into his father’s arms. “I love you.”
Then why…
“I don’t understand how you got that answer…”
How am I supposed to do this entire worksheet if I don’t know how to do any of the problems?
“Figure it out.”
Todoroki ripped off a chunk of skin from his left thumb, wincing as a river of blood immediately oozed down his flesh.
Todoroki could remember crying at his desk over the math worksheet Endeavor assigned to him while Endeavor sat beside him with a salad. Even as Todoroki’s sniffling gradually intensified into light sobs, Endeavor continued to scroll through social media posts on his phone while munching away at his salad. Roughly fifteen minutes later, Endeavor let out a vexed groan and slammed the door behind him with his belongings in hand. All Todoroki could do was continue to cry by himself, drowning his desk in a lake of his tears.
You even had the audacity to eat and entertain yourself while your son cried his eyes out because of you. No. Stop trying to paint yourself as someone worthy of respect. Don’t be self-conceited. It was all for me… He was just teaching me a lesson and giving me tough love. Just like a dog. A puppy will cry itself to sleep in its cage at night, digging at the bars and squealing to be saved, but it’s just tough love so it learns to sleep comfortably by itself. The humans will watch and listen, but they don’t do anything, and ultimately, they get tired of the whining and just drown it out.
An hour later, Endeavor returned to Todoroki’s room. “You’re still crying over this?” muttered Endeavor, who eyed the wet, shriveled corner of Todoroki’s worksheet. “Absolutely not okay, Shouto.” He ripped the paper off the glimmering desk and slapped Todoroki’s red cheek. “You do not cry all over your homework!”
“What’s going on?” asked Fuyumi, who stepped into Todoroki’s room.
He wouldn’t help me, he got fed up with me for crying because he wouldn't help, and then he got angry that some of my tears got on the paper… It’s not fair…
Who wouldn’t get annoyed at a crying animal? I should’ve been able to figure it out. I should’ve been sensible enough to move the paper so it wouldn't get wet. It was completely fair. It’s just like me: too stupid to see the obvious.
Endeavor scoffed, “He cried all over his homework. It’s unacceptable.”
I cried useless tears and wept over nothing, acting like I was miserable when I knew nothing of misery. Todoroki felt the heavy sea of silence grow with only his thoughts to accompany him. I thought so highly of myself that I called that ‘misery’ and wallowed away in it. Even now, I have no right to say anything is miserable—I don’t know anything about it. You’re right. My tears are worthless and unacceptable. There’s nothing worth crying over. I was weak then, but I haven’t cried in forever. I’m stronger now.
So…why can’t I control these memories?
Then, after absentmindedly staring at the white sheets of the infirmary bed, Todoroki’s attention was snapped to the door being yanked open. Panting and hunched over, Iida promptly teetered up to Todoroki.
“Shouto…” huffed Iida, who was in his pajamas and slippers. “Are you okay? I know you said you are, but…” He readjusted his crooked nightcap.
Todoroki’s lips wriggled into a smile. “Tenya, I’m fine. It’s sweet you’re this worried, but I don’t want you to lose sleep over me.” He grasped Iida’s large hand.
Abruptly, a revelation pierced Todoroki’s psyche: Why was Midoriya the one who waited for me all this time…and not my boyfriend? No. Don’t be self-centered.
Iida hung his head. “I couldn’t help but worry.” He inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. “You quite literally blew me away with your surprise attack. When I came to, I certainly wasn’t expecting to be frozen against a tree. Midoriya helped me break out, but by then, Aoyama had already secured Bakugou. It was a swift defeat…” He lifted his head and gazed into Todoroki’s eyes. “Your eyes are stunning, as always.”
I hate my eyes, Todoroki thought, glancing away from Iida. It’s just a perpetual reminder of why I was brought into this world and what my purpose is. Besides, they’re ugly. You must be lying to make me feel better about myself. I don’t think anyone could like my disgusting body. The image of his reflection bubbled up from his mind. I feel sick just thinking about how much I’ve overeaten before.
“You’re too sweet, Tenya…” Todoroki whispered, feigning a smile. “My last attack was a final gambit. I just got lucky. But really, I don’t want to keep you up any longer. We still have one more day of midterms.”
No more.
“You can’t possibly be burnt out.”
Focus on Tenya. Don’t be bitter. Don’t be narcissistic. Don’t exaggerate how ‘bad’ it was. Todoroki noticed Iida reluctantly nod his head. You’re the one choosing to get dragged around by the past at every waking moment.
“...right,” Iida said.
It’s like my memories are a bag of expired snacks I just can’t stop eating.
“...tact me if you feel…”
All day every day…all I do with my life is bloat myself with those fattening calories. Todoroki felt something warm press against his lips. I want to vomit it all.
“I love you. Sleep well, Shouto.”
Just how much do I love myself to prioritize my thoughts over my boyfriend? And you think I’m depressed?
“I love you too. Sleep well, Tenya.”
I wish I wasn’t gay. What’s wrong with me? Am I just so fucking narcissistic that it’s even tainted who I’m attracted to? I’m fucking disgusting. I call Endeavor an egotistical hypocrite…but really, that’s what I am. If I could just kill off my selfish, foolish desires, I could smile at the ashes of my ego. But I can’t. All along, I’ve really just been a narcissist rotten to the core where I blamed everyone else and saw no wrong and no hypocrisy in what I did? I hate myself… But I guess there’s a reason why love and hate aren’t too far apart, huh?
Before Todoroki knew it, morning had arrived, and his last day of midterms began. His classmates swarmed him once he dragged himself into class on an empty stomach. He’d assured his peers that he was fine, but the feeling he had no name for continued to digest him from the inside. Aizawa had also mentioned Todoroki’s lackluster performance and weight loss to Todoroki in private.
By the time the last day of hell came to an end, Todoroki wanted nothing more than to sleep. I feel so heavy, he internally maundered while flopping into his futon. I feel like I don’t feel anything. Like I just feel empty. Like nothing matters, and I don’t care what happens. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t get any enjoyment out of anything. I don’t see a point in doing anything. I don’t want to get up. Why bother? School. Grades. Don’t make anyone worry. He formed a microscopic smile. So no one thinks something’s wrong. So I don’t draw attention to myself like an ‘attention whore.’ But I guess I want to see my goals through since I’ve worked so hard to get this far.
Do you really?
Todoroki closed his eyes. Do I really want to live? He shook his head. That’s a stupid question. Of course I do.
But I don’t really think I do.
It doesn’t matter. Just smile when appropriate and say what they want to hear. Just be obedient and do as you're told. Just say it’s fine and that you’re happy until it’s the truth. Even though it is the truth.
Is it?
It is. How could I not be? I’m just drained from midterms. It’s nothing more than that. Just like losing a little more weight. I’m just trying to be comfortable with myself. That’s a good thing, right?
“Now say you’re sorry and that you were wrong.”
After a few minutes, Todoroki was proven to be objectively correct by Fuyumi and Natsuo.
But you won’t apologize or admit that you were wrong. If I tried to call out your bullshit, you’d do something I’d regret. I hate how egotistical you are.
Whatever, Todoroki sighed to himself. It doesn’t matter. None of it does. I can’t change the past. There’s no use dwelling over it. Move on. Get over it. You hate in others what you hate about yourself. Stop projecting. Don’t try to frame yourself as superior to him. You let your ego show, so he showed you humility. Be grateful. Find no satisfaction in being right. Feel no urge to prove you’re right. Feel no shame in admitting when you’re not right.
The next day, Todoroki did not leave his dorm. There was no school for the remainder of the week, and for the first day of that extended weekend, Todoroki spent the bulk of his day sleeping or attempting to sleep. He’d neglected picking up his phone, despite the barrage of vibrations that urged him to bring the screen to his face. He couldn’t quite recall his thoughts, but he described them as brief, nonsensical words or images staining his head.
Once the dawn bled into the gray afternoon of the next day, Todoroki finally broke through the invisible hands chaining his body down. He slowly reached for his phone, squinting at the light pouring from the screen.
Tenya
Shouto, I’m going to your dorm if you don’t answer within the next few hours.
Leave me alone, Todoroki internally muttered. I didn’t mean to worry you. Why are you even worried? I’m so fucking tired. He’ll probably be here soon. Get up. Come on. Get up. Why is this so difficult? Just lifting my body… It’s pathetic. After another twenty minutes of lying in his futon, Todoroki managed to push himself upright and bite down on the ringing flood of lightheadedness commanding him to drop to his knees.
I don’t want to get ready. It’s so much work. And for what? Get over it. It’s not a big deal. Stop acting like such paltry things are miserable. You’re just mocking those who are truly depressed. Like Endeavor… He brushed his teeth and washed his face, stepping onto the scale immediately afterwards. One hundred and thirty-eight…and a half. I want to get to one hundred and thirty. Surely, I’ll look better by then. Disgusting. How prideful was I to have liked how I looked before? I feel sick just thinking about how I thought about myself.
Then, while reviling his reflection, Todoroki thought, Selfish when I try, selfish when I don’t. Selfish no matter what. Stop making everything about you. Burn it all and be content living to please everyone else. He suddenly remembered how his body forcibly expelled everything in his stomach during his fight against Iida, and how the same result ensued after ramming his fist into his stomach. Throwing up before I can digest all the fat… If I did that, would it finally be enough for you?